bLAh

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Fuck you very much for not reading this.

Phil Brody

Fuck you very much. Not you. Youre present and accounted for, and Im thankful for your time and consideration. No, Im talking about all those whose attention is far too valuable for the words I ponder, peck, polish, and present as a writer living in bLAh.

Yep, Im the one acting like an asshole for simply asking for five to ten minutes of your day to read something I believe you might enjoy. In fact, in this town, Im being a dick for even thinking of asking. Way it is. Truth told, I realized that fact early on in my LA career, yet here I am, glutton for punishment. When I first arrived in bLAh, I donated the bulk of my time working as a development intern for an agency located in West LA. For six months, I worked for free because I wanted to learn firsthand what happened to scripts after they were submitted to development companies. In retrospect, I did learn a lot, but this is where I was also taught a valuable lesson. Daily, the big boss doled out reading assignments to the three interns on staff and we were expected to return the following day with a detailed summary of the material.

We essentially provided the Cliff Notes he then utilized in his phone conversations to the writers, agents, and managers that had sent the scripts. The funny thing is, this executive was a bad actor, pausing at key moments to peruse our notes before completing his thoughts. I used to chuckle regularly at phone conversations such as, George, I read your script. Promising stuff. It does need some work, though, e s p e c i a l l y w i t h . . . [insert
pregnant pause that lasts so long, water breaks]...the level of conflict in

the story, which is not dramatic enough for a feature film. Hed then add, Does that resonate?

At this juncture, the writer on the line started tap-dancing a politically correct response. After all, they were discussing the lottery ticket that was his script, and writers aim to build bridges versus burning them. Regardless, my boss had already stopped listening and was busy perusing his list for his next call. To move things along, hed say, Lets aim to speak next week regarding ideas for a rewrite. And before hanging up, the writer thanked my boss for his time, to which he always replied, Its the least I could do. It was comicalto say the least. A month in, I apparently proved my worth because my boss took me under his wing and unofficially promoted me to Head Intern. Much to the chagrin of my jealous co-workers, I was excused from my daily office duties and instead attended writing sessions and pitch meetings. My new responsibilities netted me zeropoint-zero added income. However, I deemed the experience invaluable and gave it my all. Truth told, it was a good gig. Even the only paid employee, the Assistant Development Executive, voiced his amazement at my swift rise at the agency with, Somehow you netted the sweetest situation of any intern Ive ever seen. Id like to think I earned the opportunity with blood, sweat, and talentbut, given the competitive nature of LA, no one was going to second that emotion. Way it always will be.

bLAh

Long-story-short, five months later, when my interning stint was coming to an end, I was asked to stay on. However, the meager pay offered versus abundant amount of time required for the job prompted me to decline much to the chagrin of my boss. He expressed his disappointment with, Well, your contributions the past six months have been invaluable. Let me know if theres ever anything I can do for you in the future. That future came two months later, when I finished polishing a screenplay entitled, Triple-X Girlfriend. My sex, lies, and videotape meets Chasing Amy story saw an about-to-be-married guy become obsessed with an exgirlfriend, when he discovered she had become a pornstar. Hey, dont look at me like that sex sells. Eager for feedback, I called up my former boss and asked if hed give the script a read. He gushed, Id be honored. Send it to me and lets talk at the end of the week. On Friday, a few minutes after noon, I found myself dialing my old office to talk with my old boss. He took my call right away, and we got to talking about my script. Its a compelling story, Phil. And you clearly have a grasp of screenwriting technique and threeact structure. I dont want all these compliments to go to your head, though. He laughed. So did I. He continued with, I do have one criticism. Its with your main character. Hes
Phil Brody is a writer living in bLAh.

There was a pausethe type I was all too familiar with. Then I listened to a bad line reading of, a little too dark for a major motion picture, and he needs to be painted in a more approachable manner for the audience. We need to like the protagonist onehundred percent, but in this script, we embrace only seventy-five. Thats when he added, Does that resonate?

It was comical, but I was not laughing. Ball was in my court and I was supposed to start tap dancing but I refused. I gave six months to this fuck and he couldnt give me sixty fucking minutes to read my fucking script. Fuck him. Your words do resonate. Thats for certain. Good. Im glad to hear that. I heard some papers shuffle and knew I was already an afterthought in his afternoon. And fuck you very much for the time you spent on my script. He tuned back in to the conversation to add, Hey, its the least I could do. Realized then and there that was pretty much the most honest thing he could say. It was, in fact, the least he could do. CLICK. Never talked to him again. Learned my lesson and got my bitter writer card stamped in the process. Bitter. Interesting word when discussing writers. I admit I was bitter about this turn of events. However, I am not a bitter writer. Major difference. In fact, I happily burned that bridge because I realize individuals like my old boss make this Hollyworld go round. I simply aim to not waste time with them. End of story. So, thank you very much for reading this. Needed to get that off my chest. And fuck you all very much for not reading this. Sure, ignorance is bliss, but you know who you are.
bLAh
emailphilbrody@gmail.com