TO DATE OR NOT TO DATE Dating (My definition) refers to social activities between two people with the aim

of knowing each other better as a foundation for a closer relationship. There are two widely acknowledged forms of dating: between two people in an exclusive relationship, and general dating where no form of attachments are recognized. I will restrict myself to the first one as think it is more relevant here. REASONS TO BE CAUTIOUS Asked whether young people who are not contemplating marriage in the near future should date, I would advise against this, especially if dating is going to comprise seeing one person over a period of time but without a definite endpoint in mind. It is a little like going on a journey but not defining a destination. Here are some reasons why I would urge caution: 1. Emotional involvement: Dating forms close bonds when two people of the opposite sex meet frequently and exclusively. If this is taken a step further, as is often the case, to the point that the two come to view each other as a couple, there is a very close emotional bond that forms. Within Gods plan, this kind of bond goes over several steps and should end logically in physical intimacy. The first and most obvious case against dating, therefore, is the risk of physical intimacy before it is the right time for this. Of course many young people would say that they do not go all the way and do not intend to. But this likewise has its cons. In a first meeting, just the presence of someone you are interested in can make you have butterflies in your stomach. It gives you a good kind of malaria and you wish the moment could be immortalized. Then the next meeting doesnt quite have this magic- something extra is required. People who date and realize they are getting very physically attracted often realize they have to end the relationship. And if this is sustained over a period of time it will lead to a second concern outlined below. 2. Attach-and-detach: Gods plan, from the beginning, was that a man should leave his father and his mother and cleave to one wife for ever. Dating tends to cheapen the marital relation later in life so that this leaving and cleaving becomes harder. How does this happen? Every time we date we tend to get someone different; we might realize something we do not like and- since this relationship is not protected by the I hate divorce of marriage- we wish to end it for any reason. This leads to a society where perseverance especially in the marital relation is watered down to a large extend. Studies show that the countries with the highest divorce rates are those also where dating begins early and is highly encouraged. The reason for dating is often said to be to help young people be better prepared for the marital relation. Well, it seems this is not working. Once people get into the dating cycle they become so used to leaving a relationship that their ability to stay, for better or for worse, in a future relationship is greatly ruined.

3. Lovesick Sentimentalism: Lets meet and just have a nice time. This is the basic principle of dating. We feel strong drawings to a particular person and wish to spend time with and be associated with them. We have no particular plan for being in a relationship- it just feels good. And since it feels good, it must be good. We mistake life for a soap opera and think it is made up of some fantasy in our minds. Real life is quite different. It has disappointments, heartbreaks and stuff. Dating promotes a view of relationships where lovesick sentimentalism is the key component. Read 1 Corinthians 13 again: few dating people have this as their basis. 4. Delayed gratification: This life was designed to be a training school for character. One of the greatest tools the Lord employs in our training is the enforcement of delayed gratification where we desire something but we do not immediately get it. As we are well aware, our physical bodies become ready for- and crave- close emotional relations way before we are ready for them intellectually, spiritually and economically. Dating says, Lets do what we can now then well add the other stuff later but God designs that he body is brought down under the force of reason and spiritual guidance. The body needs to be helped to pace itself and only awaken love when it is right. BUT DOESNT IT HAVE A FEW ADVANTAGES? A few arguments in favor of exclusive dating have been advanced, such as the view that it helps young people understand the opposite sex better and be well prepared for a serious marital relation later. I am yet to be convinced of any real good from this angle. I know, however, of many pregnancies that would have been avoided, many marriages that would still be intact and many STIs that would have been avoided. When I weigh the pros and the cons, it is a little easier for me to state my position. WHAT TO DO? How, then, should young people conduct themselves so as to avoid getting into exclusive commitments that might be a snare later on? Keep busy with something. What God gave Adam a help-meet, he was busy n the work appointed for him. We need to identify our lifework and be busy doing it. If only we would focus on developing our spiritual, mental and physical powers, we would not be too worried about whether our relationships would work later in life. Nurture healthy friendships. During teenage and early adulthood- before someone is ready to get into serious dating preparatory to courtship- it is best to keep a close circle of friends who will tend the thoughts and associations in the right direction. Peer influence is very strong and persuasive in this time of life and it helps much to have close by people who will encourage you in the right.

State your position clearly. The only way to stand is to, well, stand out. In a world where all manner of relations are advised and encouraged, and where every one has an opinion they believe is right, the only way to stand against the tide is to stand out. When you meet someone who might be interested in you, find a subtle and cleaver way f making your preferences known. Share your convictions with friends who you think might understand and who can help you be accountable over what you do. That way you minimize the risk of backing out somewhere when emotions overtake reason

BUT AM FALLING IN LOVE, HELP! OK, relax, you body might not immediately understand and agree with your mind. In your body there are many little- but very powerful- things called hormones. And hormones dont think. They are the ones largely responsible for what we feel and they can give us feelings that war against our minds. There is nothing wrong with these feelings- God designed us to function that way and our bodies are just being normal. What you need to know might be how to pace a relationship so that you do not get into heavy dating at the outset. Heres a few things that can help: 1. Be clear. There is nothing as good as communicating your values and preferences clearly and early. Even when you feel something for someoneand they seem to feel the same way- do not encourage that feeling. (It might feel good, but maybe its just not time yet unfetter these feelings). 2. Minimize exclusive meetings especially over things or places that are likely to strengthen the bond. There is nothing wrong with meeting, but let it not always be exclusive meetings especially in places where you will quickly lack something to do and be left on the devils enchanted ground. 3. Dont stop associating with other friends. Of course this works best with number one above- talk about it with the friend and agree that you would like to keep things as casual as possible. 4. When you meet, always have something planned, and include other people where you can 5. Inform your accountability partners and ask someone to pray with you, especially if you feel you are being overwhelmed. CONCLUSION This is a rough guide. I have tried to include principles from the Bible and the Spirit of Prophecy although havent had time to look up the references and insert quotations. I will probably follow with a Part Two for this. I do not think dating is wrong- as long as someone is seriously contemplating marriage and is prayerfully seeking a life partner. Then that manner in which it is carried out would be fundamentally different from the manner in which it is done

today. But that is beyond scope for now. I believe that the heart is a feature of our being that we seriously need to guard and keep turned to God. Especially when we still have so much to do.

God bless!