An Unpopular Message: Pre-marital Sex and the Biblical Obligations of Men Some time back I was talking with

a young woman who had been intimately involved with a Christian man. She was, likewise, a Christian. But, Christians often fail, especially when it comes to areas involving love and romance. And, these two were no exception. The end result was that the relationship ended, as per his desire. The reason he gave was that he wasnt in love with her and, because he wasnt in love with her, he didnt think he should marry her, even though they had been physically intimate. I remember thinking: Thats odd, he thought he was in love with her when they had sex, but now that its over, hes no longer in love with her? How convenient! Todays society tells people that there is one reason, and one reason only to marry: being in love. The problem with that is, in love often fails or fades. How many of us can look back on a failed marriage, or other relationship, and realize that being in love didnt keep the relationship going? Probably most of us. The sad fact is, you can fall out of love almost as easily as you can fall in love. Ive jokingly said in the past that falling in love sounds like an accident, similar to falling down the stairs. Maybe the joke had an ounce or two of truth to it. Men today are absolved from obligations to women. If she gets pregnant, marrying her isnt the option. Instead, she can abort or adopt the baby out. If she doesnt get pregnant, well, theres nothing to cover up! Just repent and forget it! The message that follows is probably the most unpopular message for single men today but its one that is necessary. SEXUAL INTIMACY AND SCRIPTURE The Bible has many references to sexual activity. Unfortunately, many people do not understand these passages and opt to split hairs. Some of the common hair splits include:

We didnt go all the way

It wasnt biblical intercourse, because we didnt have genital-genital contact We were in love, and if youre in love, its okay God understands that we are weak Strangely enough, we would never apply these hairs to other situations. Could you imagine what would be going through peoples minds if, say, a Christian committed a murder and then said: God understands that I was weak? Or, lets say stealing: I didnt have a coat at the time, and I was cold, so stealing the coat is okay? The Bible doesnt specify which kinds of sex acts men and women participated in, while in the privacy of their beds, though we know regular intercourse was involved, since women did conceive and bear children. Still, the Word is plain that sodomitic acts (and this includes oral sex as well as anal sex) are an abomination (Sodom and Gomorrah were in sin because of their sodomitic behavior, not just between men and men, but we can safely assume, since women were also present in these towns, between men and women as well). Kissing is counted, in scripture, as sexual intimacy as well. When Isaac and Rebekkah were seen sporting (redneck vernacular: sparkin), it was plain that they were husband and wife (Genesis 26), which upset Abimilech, who thought Rebekkah was Isaacs sister, not his wife. Kissing as sexual intimacy? The Bible mentions kissing 46 times. Out of that, only seven are between men and women and carry with them the hint of sexual intimacy. Of course, the Hebrew and Greek authors were not going to describe details of kissing or other sex acts. Their sensibilities would not have allowed for that. However, the Bible is plain that sexual intimacy, including kissing, is not something taken lightly. IF GOD DOESNT TAKE IT LIGHTLY, WHY DO WE? Cultures through the ages have struggled with the placement of sex in the life of the human being. Sadly, we have been told a bundle of B.S. by sexperts and psychologists who seem to think that sex is as important as breathing. We are sexual beings

We cant live without sex Men are sex-driven beings I think that last one is probably the greatest lie ever told about men. True, men do have a strong sex drive. We see ample suggestion for that in scripture. But does that mean a man cannot say no? He can, if he has the right reason. This will be discussed later on. The idea that we are sexual beings comes, not from God, but from modern psychological theory and the development of certain areas of psychiatric study. Sigmund Freud was the first to promulgate the idea that sex is the primary determiner of behavior. Freud first came to this conclusion while treating a young schizophrenic woman. He concluded that she was sexually frustrated and wanted to have sex with her own father. This being left unfulfilled, she developed a catatonic schizophrenia (he didnt call it that) as a way of covering her feelings of guilt. If she was catatonic, she wouldnt act on her desire, was the theory. Well, she died in that catatonic state. So much for analysis, huh? Freud also developed other sex-based theories, including the ideas that boys want to have sex with their mothers (Oedipus Complex), that infants play with themselves to alleviate their phallic instincts, and that men focus in on their penises because they fear castration. Freud was also heavily into dream interpretation, a tool he passed along to his pupil, Karl Jung. Jung was another person who linked many things to sex. His approach was somewhat different from that of Freud, but it still had the same outcome: we are sexual beings. Incidentally, I would find it very hard to trust the theories of someone who, like Jung, spoke with little sculptures on his desk, which he claimed inspired him. Over the years, these theories developed and then, came sexology, the study of human sexuality. Having had to take courses in human sexuality, I can vouch for the fact that much of what is taught is counter to scripture. To begin with, you dont get

lessons on the mechanics of sex acts. No, you get introduction classes which equate human sexual behavior with that of animals. Already, there is a fallacy: WE ARE JUST ANOTHER ANIMAL. I can recall having to observe animal behavior, mostly chimpanzees, and having to link these behaviors to human behaviors (Jane Goodall wouldve been SO proud!) I can also remember irritating my professor when asking him why it was that we focused so much on chimps, and neglected the Chinese Great Panda, who only mates once every ten years, does it in complete seclusion, and stays with one mate for life? Guess I never shouldve taken a pre-college course in animal husbandry. At any rate, sexology gave an open door to some who have been touted as the worlds foremost experts on human sexual behavior. Among them, was Alfred Kinsey. You all remember Kinsey. Hes the guy who said that at least 10% of you all have had a homosexual encounter in your lifetime. Of course, he forgot to tell the general public that his study subjects consisted mostly of men who were already deviant in their social behaviors (many were in prison). But hey, if you say something often enough, and with enough authority, people will believe it In any event, the feminist movement caught on to the idea, and decided to promote the concept that men use sex as a weapon against women. Radical feminism denounced men as thinking with their sex organ only, and even cited Bible passages to prove the point. After all, Abraham messed with Hagar, David messed with Bathsheba, etc. Never mind the fact that other Biblical males were upright and virtuous, in spite of desires or temptations! We ALL know you guys think with your male appendage. The reason sex is taken so lightly in our culture is, in a nutshell, because we have been sold a bill of goods. We are, however, NOT sexual beings. Certainly, we have sex drives (which are variable from person to person, by the way), certainly women and men BOTH have sexual desires (yes, Virginia, women can give into sexual stimuli, why do you think Paul said not to touch a woman?- 1 Corinthians 7:1- it wasnt because we have cooties, you know!) But we are MORE than sexual beings. We are created complex, beautifully and wonderfully made as body, soul (mind), and spirit. When we get saved, and get the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, we become SPIRITUAL BEINGS, in

that we are now to be guided, not by the lusts of the flesh, but by the Spirit of the Living God. Any Christian man who claims to be a sexual being, denies the working of the Holy Spirit in his life, tossing it aside for psychological and sexology theories which do not profit that man of God. SO, WHAT IS A MANS OBLIGATION? The first obligation of any Christian man is to look after his sister in Christ, and treat her in a Godly manner. Lets say youre in love with her. Okay. Thats good. What does love demand of you as a man of God? According to the famous love passage (1 Cor. 13), it demands some emotional and physical sacrifice: Love does not behave unseemly. Roughly translated, love behaves itself. The word for unseemly is ASCHENOSUNE, meaning, indecent. If you love her, and are acting indecently toward her, then youre not loving her the way God would have you love her. Love seeks not its own. If youre in love, what do you put first? What is best for the other person, or what you want? If youre truly loving the other person, do you do whatever THEY want? Even if it leads to sin? Or, do you place hers, and your, relationship before God in the forefront, because of the love you have for the other person? In 1 Corinthians, chapter six, we are told to flee fornication (verse 18). The first obligation a Christian man has to a woman (and a Christian woman to a man as well), is to flee fornication before fornication happens. Does this mean ending the relationship entirely? No. It does, however, mean resolving to not go there, as the kids say.

In 2 Timothy 2:22, we read: Flee also youthful lusts: but follow righteousness, faith, charity, peace, with them that call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Again, does that mean to toss out the babe with the bathwater? No. Lust is an individual problem until such time as you either a) seduce another person into it or, b) participate, willingly, in lustful thoughts and/or behaviors involving another person. Basically, what is being said in the Timothy passage is this: Stop your childish lusting! Instead, follow the path of righteousness, faith, love, with them that call on the Lord our of a pure heart (the other Christian with whom you are involved). Dont try to seduce. Dont try to involve them in your lustful thoughts and feelings. Instead, join with the stronger person in following the other three things. UHHHHH ITS A LITTLE LATE, WE ALREADY FORNICATED! The first thing that usually happens after two people are convicted that what they did was wrong, is to want to end the relationship. Usually, one person wants to end it; the other sits there and says: Do what???? Brothers, I have heard too many stories from women who, believing their brother in Christ genuinely loved them, ended up confused when the man broke off the relationship after sex. Sometimes, he ends it out of guilt. Sometimes, he ends it because the passion has passed. Sadly, many people are all or nothing at all in their approach to the issue. They cannot stop the romantic behavior, they have to toss out EVERYTHING. But, its natural to want the romance and to express sexually when youre in love, isnt it? Yes, it is natural. Again, however, there is a higher calling for the Christian. We are called to operate, not under the influence of the natural man, but under the leading and guidance of the Holy Spirit. Granted, making the change isnt easy. But an inability to make that transition could indicate a deeper problem within you. Maybe you didnt really love her as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it? So, then, what if you have already entered into fornication? What is your obligation? Marriage.

YIPES! I have to MARRY her? I remember one man saying that was the wrong reason to marry. Unfortunately, hes right, but only to a point. Marriage under duress is never the best option for a couple, and it can bring difficulties into a marriage, IF your concepts of love and marriage are based on the worlds view and not Gods view. The worlds view says you marry because youre in love, remember? But God offers a much different view of things. In Gods paradigm, marriage is for: companionship (helpmeet); childbearing (as possible, not everyone in the Bible was always able to bear a child without divine intervention); and for a demonstration of the ultimate marriage: the bride (church) and the bridegroom (Jesus). Theres no mention of being in love, though there are several mentions of being in lust (Jacob with Rebekkah is an obvious example). Christian apologist, Greg Bahnsen, talks about the situation wherein a man and woman have already committed fornication: If a Christian has committed fornication, he must repent. And if he genuinely repents, he will follow it up by doing whatever is necessary to make the situation right. When Gods holy word lays down moral requirements and we transgress them, our repentance calls for us to go back and rectify the sinful situation - doing everything we can to achieve the conditions which were violated. For example, Scripture requires us to work and earn our money for spending; if someone has resorted to stealing, he must not only confess the sinfulness of theft, but show appropriate fruit of repentance (cf. Luke 3:8) by bringing about what Scripture originally required - namely, working for his money. Let him who stole steal no more, but rather let him labor, working with his hands the thing that is good (Ephesians 4:28). What Biblical requirement has been violated when a believer engages in pre-marital sexual intercourse or fornication? The requirement of being married to the one with whom he enters into the one-flesh union. What was wrong with his behavior was not the act of sex, but the sex act outside of a covenanted life-time commitment of marriage. Therefore, the fruit appropriate for repentance when one has committed fornication with a woman is to go back and fulfill the required condition, to make things right (make restitution), to marry the woman whom he drew into fornication with him. (This is likewise her moral responsibility toward him

since she too was guilty of fornication.) If the fornicator is unwilling to do this, he shows that he does not truly grieve over his sin with godly sorrow, dedicating himself to correcting the situation and striving after renewed obedience to the Lord (cf. Westminster Larger Catechism #76). He wants the benefits of forgiveness as long as it is convenient, not calling for a correction of his behavior. (Bahnsen: Correcting the Sin of Fornication) Just so you wont think Bahnsen is alone in his assessment, read what other biblicists have said: Matthew Henry: . . . if he and the damsel did consent, he should be bound to marry her, and never to divorce her, how much soever she was below him and how unpleasing soever she might afterwards be to him (Commentary on the Whole Bible, ad loc.). John Calvin: The remedy is, that he who has corrupted the girl should be compelled to marry her, and also to give her a dowry from his own property, lest, if he should afterwards cast her off, she should go away from her bed penniless (Commentaries on the Four Last Books of Moses Arranged in the Form of a Harmony, vol. 3, pp. 83-84. J. C. Connell: Although she consented, it was still his responsibility to protect her from lifelong shame resulting from the sin of the moment by marrying her, not without payment of the regular dowry (Exodus, New bible Commentary, ed. F. Davidson, p. 122). Adam Clarke: This was an exceedingly wise and humane law, and must have operated powerfully against seduction and fornication; because the person who might feel inclined to take advantage of a young woman knew that he must marry her, and give her a dowry, if her parents consented (The Holy Bible . . . with a Commentary and Critical Notes, vol. 1, p. 414). Walter C. Kaiser, Jr.: Exodus 22:16-17 takes up the problem of the seduction of a maiden who was not engaged . . .. Here the seducer must pay the bride-price and agree to marry her (Toward Old Testament Ethics, p. 107). But, I didnt seduce her! She consented!

Remember that passage cited earlier about not touching a woman? Lets look at it in context: Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. For I would that all men were even as I myself. But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. (1 Cor. 7:1-9) Consent isnt the issue. Not being able to control yourself, is! Seduction, rape, or willingness, are not addressed here. Basically, because it DOES NOT MATTER! Nor is being in love addressed. What the Apostle is saying is: If you cant behave seemly with this woman youre involved with, marry her! (The text presumes an existent involvement). BUT I CANT HELP MYSELF! AND SHE IS SEDUCING ME! I remember the first time I heard my son, who was nine at the time, define sin. He told an entire church: its when I just cant seem to help myself! Well, thats cute for a kid. And could apply to a very young, immature Christian. But we arent kids. Were grown ups. And, sad to say, many men have so bought into the lie that theyre weaklings, that they even apply it to temptations involving sex. I submit that this is a cop-out and that it is, indeed, the mans responsibility

to resist temptation. WHAT????? YOURE PUTTING IT OFF ON US??? THATS *SO* LIKE A WOMAN! Sorry, its *SO* like God. In the Old Testament, theres a story about a woman trying to seduce a man into sex. In the overall context of chapters preceding and following this passage, it doesnt seem to make much sense that the Lord saw fit to include so much detail. After all, it couldve been condensed to read: And Potiphars wife tried to seduce Joseph, and he fled, because she lied. But God opted to include some minute and interesting details. And it came to pass after these things, that his master's wife cast her eyes upon Joseph; and she said, Lie with me. But he refused, and said unto his master's wife, Behold, my master wotteth not what is with me in the house, and he hath committed all that he hath to my hand; There is none greater in this house than I; neither hath he kept back any thing from me but thee, because thou art his wife: how then can I do this great wickedness, and sin against God? And it came to pass, as she spake to Joseph day by day, that he hearkened not unto her, to lie by her, or to be with her. And it came to pass about this time, that Joseph went into the house to do his business; and there was none of the men of the house there within. And she caught him by his garment, saying, Lie with me: and he left his garment in her hand, and fled, and got him out. Please note that Potiphars wife made no bones about her attraction to Joseph. Fellows, I hate to tell you this, but the woman who is OBVIOUSLY chasing you, coming on to you, etc., is not likely the one who will love you for you. She is, in all likelihood, lusting you. Hopefully, youre not complimented by that, any more than Joseph was. Please note also, that Josephs immediate reaction was to refuse. There was apparently no hesitation, however, he did use this as an opportunity to witness, so to speak, when he said (paraphrasing): Potiphar, my master, has placed everything he owns in my care. In fact, Im

really a big cheese around here! But hey, the access to everything did not include you, okay? Youre his wife. But you see, I really have to answer to the Lord, and thats the person I do not want to displease when all is said and done. One thing I have noticed is that, in singles circles, theres a great deal of competition, sometimes to the point where theres no respect for relationships. Ive seen women go after other womens boyfriends; and men go after other mens girlfriends. The fact is, however, youre not going to get someone elses anything. What you will be doing, ultimately, is infringing upon Gods property. In essence, Joseph was saying that to Potiphars wife. You are married to Potiphar, but I belong to God. The text is plain that Potiphars wife pressured Joseph day in and day out, over a period of time. Because he worked in the court of Potiphar, he had to deal with this woman. Today, that would be called sexual harassment. But note that Joseph resisted! Eventually, she resorted to physical force which ultimately caused Joseph to flee the scene. SHE DOESNT WANT TO MARRY ME! According to the Bible, it doesnt matter if she wants to marry you or not. Nor does it matter if there are mitigating circumstances. The fact is, as a Christian, you are held to a higher standard by the Lord, one which was never done away with under Grace. In Deut. 22:28-29, there is a discussion about a man taking hold of a virgin, and his obligation afterwards. The Hebrew, lay hold is the root word: TAPAS, it means to grasp in the hand, and is also used in Genesis 4:21 talking about the flute, in Jeremiah 50:16, the sickle, Ezekiel 27:29, the bow, etc. It means, literally, to handle something. Its not necessarily a reference to rape or even seduction. Does this equally apply to non-virgins? According to biblical scholars, it does. Matthew Henry and Martin Luther agreed on this issue, if the woman had been living a chaste, non-sexual life, prior to the encounter. Now, what if she doesnt want to marry you? In all actuality, it isnt her call to make. Its the call of the closest thing she has to a father (if her father is deceased, then another male relative or her Pastor or a male figurehead acting as her spiritual leader). Then, if HE says no, a bride price is to be

paid. Fifty pieces of silver, plus the extras, amounted to close to $3000.00 in todays economy. Since some men cannot be appealed to on a moral basis, maybe considering the financial end of things will make a difference. Three-thousand dollars is a lot of moola for a moment of sensual pleasure. Now, of course, the chances of her collecting the money, getting you to ask for her hand, and marrying her if youre given permission to, are slim. Nobody can force you to meet your obligation. And true, the Lord will forgive you the sin involved in fornication. But, you will carry the obligation until such time as you meet it. IN CLOSING I know that it seems grossly unfair to say men are responsible for leading a relationship in holiness. And, while its true that a woman is not to follow a man as spiritual leader until she is his wife, that doesnt change the mans obligation should the couple fail in maintaining a pure relationship. I firmly believe that most Christian men truly want to be granted the respect and the supportive belief of women. That they want to hear: I know you are a godly man who will obey the Lord and protect my virtue. Maybe Im too hopeful or respect males too much to think that they function on the lowest of animal instincts. Brothers in Christ, prove the world wrong. Show the sexologists, psychologists, and worldly theorists, that you are not a hormonally-driven chimpanzee. Show them that you are a Spirit-led man, instead.