"Who's it Hurtin' If I like Flirtin'?" A Biblical look at Flirtation First of all, let me say that I, myself, am a die-hard romantic.

I like theatre, the arts, pretty music, and am prone to that occasional day-dream about "Prince Charming". Secondly, I see nothing wrong with clean, uplifting, expressions of love and devotion. Telling someone "I love you", if it is meant, is not a "flirtation" in my book. That being said, let's take a look at flirting. "Oh, flirting isnt just fun. It's not like I MEAN the things I'm saying!" "I flirt to test the waters; to find out if someone is interested in me". "Everyone flirts. As long as you don't act on it, it's okay". Ever see people say those things? Probably you've seen them, and a variety of other excuses and dismissals for flirting. Some may even go so far as to say it's part of, and necessary to, getting to know another person. Sadly, flirtation between unmarried Christians has become, not only accepted, but a "must" in some circles. The person who isn't a flirt is often treated with disdain, labeled a "prude", and called a variety of other epithets. The Bible doesn't use the word "flirt". It isn't there. But then again, neither is the word "Trinity". But there are certainly plenty of allusions to the triune God in scripture. Likewise, there are plenty of allusions to flirting and, if we look at the content of flirting, as well as it's actual purpose and definition, we can easily find Scripture to address the issue. THE ORIGINS OF FLIRTATION Flirtation is not found as a positive activity in the Bible. In fact, men and women, in general, weren't give much opportunity to flirt, prior to getting married. In actuality, flirting didn't really come into vogue until the Medieval period. By then, societies had already gone through several changes. Between 1000-1300, William II, Duke of Aquitaine, introduced "love lyrics". But troubadours, unlike their modern crooning counterparts, asked women to NOT offer sexual favors (now, there's a switch, right?) Back and forth, up and down, history seemed to change on the topic of

courtship and flirtation. But, come the Victorian Era, all that changed. "Flirtations" were couched in body language (moving one's fan a certain way meant one thing; moving it another way, meant something else). It was more like reading smoke signals than interpreting body language, and who had time to learn all that, anyway? But nearly every Historian agrees that the Industrial Age, particularly post 1900, brought out more women flirting than ever before. And by the 1970's women had come "such a long way, Baby", that flirting was now entrenched in society as a norm for women. Today, most flirting is verbal. The problem many people run into is what does, and does not, constitute a flirtation? One man's flirt may be another man's "friendly". This confusion could be due, in part, to the diminished respect for women overall. Where at one time, a woman offering tea to a gentleman was seen as an act of hospitality, now it could easily be viewed (in the wishful mind of the male) as a "come on", because common courtesy has become so rare. WHAT FLIRTING IS Webster gives us a clear definition of flirting. "..to behave amorously without serious intent; to show superficial or casual interest or liking..." When you think about it, from a Christian stand point, this doesn't even sound like something a Christian should do. For those who don't know what the word "amorous" means, it comes from "amare" or "amore" and means to be " strongly moved by love, especially sexual love". So, by definition, flirting is the act of behaving in a sexually moving way, without an serious intent, meaning, no commitment or no desire to "follow through". The former, applied to males, would make the man, at best, a cad, and at worst, a tease. The woman would be the same. Does this sound like something befitting a Christian? Please note as well, in the secondary definition, that the "likening" is superficial or casual. Again, we have no real substance nor intent. For those who would say flirting doesn't have to be "sexual" in content, I challenge you to think back over every flirtation you've given or received

(for some, this could be impossible). Chances are, if you're honest, you've heard or said something about kissing, fondling, holding, touching, appearance (not to be confused with a genuine compliment like "you look beautiful tonight"), etc. FLIRTING: ENTICEMENT TO SIN Go to any bookstore, or even on the internet, and you will find scores of information about how to flirt. Not so strangely enough, this information in almost always linked to things like seduction, enticing, or otherwise "scoring" with the opposite sex. On rare occasion, you will see things about "trapping a man" or "catching a man" (reducing males to wild animals or codfish isn't exactly complimentary). One internet guide to flirting states: "Flirting is a basic instinct, part of human nature. This is not surprising: if we did not initiate contact and express interest in members of the opposite sex, we would not progress to reproduction, and the human species would become extinct." Of course, if it was all that "instinctive" people shouldn't need a "guide". But even if it were "instinctive", are we as Christians supposed to go by base instincts in the area of love? Or are we called to love on a higher plane? Another thing to be noticed is that in well over 50% of the material you read about flirting, there is the ultimate goal of sexual seduction. Whether intended or not, people can be aroused by words (unless they're well prayed up and determined to practice self-control). We're now well past the era of "what's your sign?" and other, once in vogue, "pick up" lines. Now flirting has shifted gears a little. And the gear shift has worked. According to "experts" on seduction, "flattery will get you anywhere- even in the bedroom". Like it or not, however, flirting is, was, and always has been, what the Bible calls "flattery". Flattery is "praise without merit". Not that the person you're flattering isn't attractive, but there's no merit in the eventual outcome. For example: John finds Suzie attractive and tells her so, not to get her in bed, but because he really means it. That's a compliment. But, let's say John finds Suzy attractive, but his statement is: "You really make me hot just looking at

you!" Well, aside from being tacky, it's "flattery without merit". Suzie is attractive, to be sure, but she is in no way trying to "turn" John on. John is hoping that, by telling Suzie this, she will get as turned on as he is. The Bible talks about flattery in some very unflattering terms. PATHAH is a Hebrew word used in Ps. 78:36 and means "to entice or deceive". KANA, used in Job 32:21, means to "humiliate or bring into subjection". In Ps. 12:3 the word CHELQAH is used, which means "smoothness or slipperiness". And in Proverbs 7:21, we see the word CHATAQ, meaning "to take away a portion". That last one, about the portion being taken away, is interesting because it's a direct reference to what was called the "CHEREM" by the Israelites. Reference to the Cherem can be found in Lev. 27:28,29 and involved the goods, or persons, captured from pagan nations by the Israelites. These items or persons were to be a tithe, in effect, and couldn't be "redeemed", as could other tithes. Keeping a portion of the Cherem (Joshua 7:1) brings a curse, because the Cherem was considered for God and God alone. Bible scholar and teacher, Nathan Bailey, applies the Cherem to flirtation this way: "If you have committed your hear to God, it becomes consecrated to Him, just like you tithe- it is Cherem. And then, if you invite someone to lust after you (by flirting), you bring a curse on them, because they desire something that is Cherem". BUT-- I'M NOT TRYING TO ENTICE! I DON'T MEAN IT WHEN I FLIRT! "Gosh, you're so sexy!" Sorry, I was just saying that. "I would love to kiss your lips". Hey, I was kidding! I don't really want to kiss your lips. If you think about it, that's a little insulting. Is the person sexy? Or aren't they? Would you really want to kiss them, are or they so repulsive that you wouldn't want to kiss them? Roland Johnson, bible student, had this to say about flirting: "Flirting is a constant process of recreating and redefining reality. Flirting is an exploratory search of fantasy concerning a strong, physical

attraction to another individual". Apparently, for those who "only flirt in jest", this isn't the truth. Or is it? This is something the person better think about before joking, because flirting does involve "amorous" behavior or talk. Sex isn't a joke, nor should it be one. Conservative talk show host, Rush Limbaugh, criticizes liberals by pointing out that they don't usually mean what they say: "Words have meaning", Limbaugh says, and rightly so. But Limbaugh's sentiment isn't original. In Matt. 15:11, the Lord, himself, said that it's not what goes into a man (meaning food and drink) that defiles him, rather, it's what comes out of a man's mouth (spoken word) which defiles the man (or woman). Applying this to flirting, if you're saying flattering words, especially sensually flattering words, and more importantly, ones you do not mean, then you are defiling yourself because, in essence, you're lying. Is it okay to lie if you "don't mean it"? Nope. Sorry. A lie, is a lie, is a lie. even if it's mutually understood to be a lie. Some would argue that it's "all in fun". Evangelist Luis Palua takes exception to people making love into a sport via flirting: "Sexual holiness demands we not play games in flirting, body language, and clothing". Jonathan Lindvall, Christian author, coined the term "Recreational Romance" to describe flirting, and condemns the practice as "dabbling in romance". David Matthew, writer for Basic Christian Living Courses, concurs, adding: "Flirting is dangerous... It plays at relationships with no serious intention, which devalues the kind of man-woman relationships that God wants people to build". First of all, God doesn't want male-female relationships to be built solely upon romance. What he does want them to be built upon is something longer lasting and enduring: RESPECTFUL LOVE.

RESPECTFUL LOVE-VS-EROS LOVE Sorry to say, but many Christians think that flirtation and love go hand-inhand. Historically, this is the stuff of Troubadours, not Biblical love. Like the little boy who pulls the little girl's pigtails (because he likes her); or the teenage girl who drops her books (hoping that the boy she likes will pick them up), flirting is about as far away from God's design for male-female love as a crush is from an actual honeymoon! Arthur Wallis, author of "Living God's Way", has this to say: "Even when flirting does not involve petting simply for kicks, it is still selfish and unworthy of a Christian. Flirting has been described as 'attention without intention'. Love is too serious for play-acting". Just how selfish is flirting? In 1 Thess., chapter four, the issue of sexual immorality is being addressed. The Saints are being warned against "lustful passions" and coveting. Then, suddenly, the Apostle says in verse six: "and that no man transgress and defraud his brother in the matter because the Lord is the avenger in all these things". That seems rather strange, doesn't it? What Paul was talking about was PLEONEKTES, meaning to covet or desire. In this case, a brother's wife and, more specifically, to seduce her away from his brother in Christ! Okay, we can all agree that it's wrong to flirt with someone else's spouse. However, UNTIL THE DAY A WOMAN MARRIES A MAN, SHE BELONGS TO GOD, AND GOD ALONE. She is, as was discussed earlier, "Cherem", or consecrated to the Lord. Biblical love respects that. Eros love does not. WHY FLIRT? Unfortunately, the main reasons people flirt are: 1) it feeds the ego and 2) it draws attention to you. The former, feeding the ego, should obviously be seen as wrong by the Christian. We aren't called, as Christians, to feed our egos. We are called to be selfless, especially in regard to "looking out for other people", and this includes placing our "ego's" on hold:

"Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.." (Philippians 2:3-5) No, this doesn't mean become a "doormat". It does, however, mean that we take into consideration how our actions will affect another person. Are we offending their senses when we flirt with them? If so, love requires us to stop the behavior. Could the flirtation be misinterpreted as sincere? Could it lead the person to sinful thoughts or actions? These things are seldom considered by the person who looks at flirting as a "game". Dr. Courtland Meyers had this to say about the flirter: "There is a foul fiend dressed in the bright garment of frivolity and flirtation. He is guilty of the blackest crimes...His name is 'FLIRT', and he is only the shadow of a man...The most despicable of all members of the human family is the one who trifles with those eternal verities of love, of the heart, and of the sweet and solemn pledge of holy betrothal..." Those are some pretty strong words! If you're flirting to create in another person a desire for you; to make them jealous; to "get even"; or to feed your ego, then obviously, you're not doing what scripture says and, quite obviously, you're playing to role of the "foul fiend" that Dr. Meyers describes. BUT-- I WANT A MAN! The second reason, one that usually affects Christian women more so than men, is the need to "compete". In a very insightful article, Christian Singles writer, Joy Singleton, discusses this very issue. She points out that the "ratio" amongst older singles is definitely balanced in favor of the men, and that too man Christian women have bought into the lie that they have to "market themselves" in order to obtain a man's interest and compete in the singles arena. Singleton points out that flirting has become one of the many "marketing techniques" being used by Christian women to attract the attention of men: "While single women have learned the positive feedback of flirtation, many have failed to understand the long-term affects".

What are these long-term affects? Singleton points them out quite plainly: 1- A relationship based upon powerful, but fading, attractions 2- The failure to base the relationship on long-lasting characteristics 3- Drawing to yourself men who are acting upon "sexual suggestion" 4- Drawing to yourself men "who don't know how to love and care for a woman of integrity and grace" If we look closely at each of these, we see where each can have devastating affects in the long run. How many people end up divorced once the "honeymoon is over" and the erotic attractions dim? How many people suddenly realize this was NOT they person they thought they married? How many women have fallen in love with someone, only to find out later that his only interest was "scoring"? And how many people have gotten into abusive marriages because their spouse didn't understand the needs of a person of integrity and grace? Ladies, flirting may attract a man, and it may "give you the edge" in obtaining male attention, but what kind of love is it ultimately? Obviously it's not biblical love as God intended it to be, between a man and woman. First Corinthians, chapter thirteen, clearly outlines what love is, and what it isn't, too. Dividing it down:

LOVE IS: Patient Kind Rejoicing in truth Always Protective Always trusting Always hopeful Always Persevering

LOVE IS NOT: Envious Boastful Proud Rude Self-seeking Easily angered A keeper of wrongs Prone to delight in Evil

Please note that the word "compete" is not listed among the positive characteristics of love. However, competing for male attention could easily fall under the things that love is NOT, including "self-seeking", "proud", "envious" and maybe even "rude", especially if the flirtation is not desired by the other party. SUMMARY Lately there has been a great deal of discussion about flirting in some Christian chat rooms. Is it ok? Is it not ok? Some Christian singles have expressed a level of upset that the singles chats have become "a bar scene without the drunks" at times. Pro-flirting persons tend to deride the ones who openly object to the flirtations which go on. Others simply say nothing and go along their merry way, confident that they, themselves, aren't party to the goings-on. There's a certain obligation and each must answer to God for his or herself in the area of flirting. However, once the perils are understood, there leaves little room for complaint, later on, when flirtations backfire and feelings get hurt or lives, scarred, by our own, willful, actions. Sources: Nathan Bailey, "Cherem in the Old Testament" 1999 David Matthews, Basic Christian Living, Courses for New Christians, 2002 Roland H. Johnson, "Dating and the Christian", 2001 Jonathan Lindvall, "The Dangerous Game", 2000 Arthur Wallis, "Living God's Way", 1984 K.B.Napier, Bible Theology Ministries, 2002 Joy Singleton, "The Church Ratio: Women Pushed to Market Themselves", 2002 Dr. Courtland Meyers, "The Lost Wedding Ring", 1998