Bad Boys, Bad Boys, Whatcha Gonna Do?

Christian Women Falling for Jerks If God forgives him, I have to as well! I cried and cried that night. I had been taking one course after another, praying my head off, and pleading with God, and yet I had not forgiven the man who raped me. The rape was brutal, as are all rapes. But this was no stranger who jumped out at me from a dark alley. This was someone I was involved with; someone I loved and who said they loved me. We had talked marriage and I even met his family and was welcomed into the family as well. To make matters worse, he was also a Christian, or at least, a professing one. I had heard all the stories and arguments. God wont forgive you if you dont forgive this man; God forgives, you have to also, its a command; If youre saved you know what forgiveness is about and have to do the same. Guilt heaped upon guilt. And yet nobody seemed to understand the magnitude of the situation. Were not talking about someone who accidentally scraped my car, were talking about rape! An assault, not only on my person, but on my body, soul, mind and sensibilities as well. After the rape it seemed like I kept being drawn to men who shared the same initial characteristics of my rapist. They were charming, talkative, romantic, and had the other classic bad boy characteristics as well: an element of mystery; challenging; sarcastic; selfish at times; unpredictable; dominating; and held an air of confidence, especially where women were concerned. I had prayed after the rape, in a simple prayer, for the Lord to protect me. And, He was faithful to do so. I ran, Lord, did I ever run, at the first sign of those characteristics. Yet, in spite of having developed all the walls necessary to keep from being hurt, I still had not forgiven the man who raped me. For some reason, I couldnt manage to do it! It seemed, well, wrong to forgive him. Problem was, I didnt know why it felt wrong to forgive him.

Looking back over it all now, I realize that I was programmed into a wrong understanding about forgiveness. Like so many people, I thought if I forgave this person, I would simply forgive and forget and act like nothing happened. Well, I had done that, in a way. I went into a total denial of the fact that he raped me. And, I played his were just friends game. For nearly two years I acted like he was a good friend, and even tried my best to believe it myself. It wasnt until I caught him setting another woman up, the way he set me up to be raped by him, that I finally unleashed the anger in HIS direction, instead of toward everyone else around me. I tend to think that the reason so many Christian women end up with bad boys is because we want to forgive. We believe that if we are patient, understanding, and forgiving, somehow this bad boy will change and life will be great. When that doesnt happen, we move on to the next bad boy and the next, and the next. Our maternal instincts almost seem to compel us to place ourselves in this position. Once I got a handle on what forgiveness is really about, things began to change. Not only did I learn how to spot bad boys (more than going on a feeling, I could actually pinpoint the behaviors involved); but I also learned that its okay to say this is intolerable and I will no longer accept this from you. This last one, in and of itself, has kept the bad boys at bay. Oh, they try, and I always try to give the benefit of the doubt and express my dislike for what they say or do, but there comes a point where its time to cut that maternal cord and end the situation. In refusing to compromise my own values in order to be liked by these guys, Ive also learned that Im spared those nagging regrets that linger when we allow ourselves to become the whipping posts for bad boys.

Forgiveness Fallacies Fallacy #1: You have to automatically forgive someone

Theres a problem in the Christian church today. Everyone thinks its the OTHER guys obligation to forgive, but nobody seems to realize theres an obligation on the other side as well: The obligation to ASK for forgiveness. Have you ever had someone come up to you, after doing or saying something really insulting and demeaning, and they act like nothing is wrong or than nothing ever happened? Does it make you wonder, especially if you told them outright what they did to upset you, if theyre just clueless or without a conscience? I expect forgiveness from my fellow believers, one man said. And they have to forgive me, its commanded. Fallacy #2: If you forgive, you forget Another problem in the church today is the pressure people come under to develop instant dementia. I remember an abuse survivor once telling me that his father, who had beaten the boy unmercifully as a child, was now telling this young man: You havent forgiven me. After all these years, you still remember and mention the abuse. This means you havent forgiven me. Actually, all it means is the young man has a good memory, much to the chagrin of his abusive father. Fallacy #3: If you forgive me, you will be my friend, take me back, etc. When I was in High School, there was a girl who had this huge crush on one of the football players (no, not me, I was into geek-guys and artsy-fartsy types). She would follow him around, moo-eyed, and almost acting like his slave: carrying his books, buying his lunches, etc. On occasion, he would say cruel and humiliating things to her. He called her a cow, told her she had a face like the north end of a south-bound mule, etc. He would make comments about her breasts being too small, and even lifted her skirt on one occasion, to show a group of kids standing around them that she wore dirty undies. She would cry, every day, because of something he did or said, and would say she wouldnt have anything more to do with him. She would try to ignore him, but he always caught her by her religious strings and would say: If you really forgive me, youll stick around. He used this excuse to

abuse for nearly a year, before she finally cut ties with him. Fallacy #4: If I dont forgive them, God will not forgive me of my sins Taking a passage out of context and applying it conveniently is another major problem in Christian circles today. Youve probably seen it done in many ways. For example, the person who says that we can sin, because after all, all things are allowed, even if everything isnt good for us. Using this misapplication of the passage, that would mean a person could willfully go out and steal, murder, commit adultery, etc., because, after all, everything is lawful, even if it isnt spiritually healthy for us. Fallacy #5: I can ask God to forgive them I remember watching a movie one time where a guy was talking about how he went to confession as a teenager and told the Priest he had sex with a young woman in their local Parrish. The Priest wanted to know the girls name, and the young man refused to give it up. So the Priest began guessing. Did he ever guess who she was? One of his friends asked. No, the guy said, but I got a few good leads! There is but one mediator between God and man, and its not a Priest and its not us! Fallacy #6: Forgive the Sinner and the Sin? Somewhere along the line, we have traveled away from the recognition of the gravity of sin. We tolerate it under the guise of not judging and anyone who calls a sin, a sin, is instantly rebuked as being a hypocrite or a judgmental person. Yet, at the same time, we will say: Love the sinner; hate the sin. Im scratching my head on this one. We love the sinner and hate the sin, but forgive the sinner AND the sin? What Does the Bible REALLY Say? There are numerous passages in the Bible which address forgiveness. They come in more than one context. First, theres the vertical, wherein the Bible speaks of Gods forgiveness for a group of people or an individual. Secondly, theres horizontal forgiveness, the forgiveness which takes place between two people in an interpersonal relationship.

Many times, the two (vertical and horizontal) are viewed as being one in the same, without attention paid to context nor application. When this happens, the six fallacies end up coming into the picture and, ultimately, forgiving becomes harder than it need be, and sometimes, with negative consequences. Fallacy #1: You have to automatically forgive someone Wouldnt it be nice if we were God and could automatically forgive people? Um, the fact is, not even GOD automatically forgives. All too often, were told that God automatically forgives, ergo, we have to as well. But the fact is, from the time one gets saved onward, one thing must occur before God forgives: REPENTANCE. In 1 John 1: 8-10, we read where theres some specifics: If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. Theres that quid pro quo: IF we confess our sins he will forgive and purify. By implication, though, if we do NOT confess them, God will not forgive and purify. So forgiveness from God isnt automatic. Theres a quid pro quo: we have to confess first. A little tit-for-tat there. Bad boys expect and demand forgiveness and believe it should come from you automatically. Why should THEY apologize or ask forgiveness for anything? But, youre not God! You cant put a condition on forgiving someone! YOU have to do it automatically, whether they ask or not! Who says? Where does it say in the bible that forgiveness MUST be granted whether or not the person apologizes? Having looked at stories about forgiveness in the Bible, along with passages about how Christians are to forgive one another, I have yet to find a passage

which states or implies that forgiveness is automatic. A sample story is the Prodigal son. Youre probably familiar with the story in Luke chapter fifteen. But lets review: A son is tired of living at home. Its dull. Home isnt any fun anymore. He wants the nightlife! He wants to boogey-----So, he asks, prematurely, for his portion of an inheritance and takes off for other parts. He has a high old time, for a while, until the money runs out, and eventually ends up eating with swine, once his money was all gone: When he came to his senses, he said, 'How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father. "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. "The son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son. ' "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate. Please notice a couple of things here. First of all, the son realized BEFORE he went running home, that he had blown it (literally), and knew he had to ask his Dads forgiveness, to confess, and didnt EXPECT to be taken back as a full son, rather, was willing to be a hired hand to the man. Secondly, he followed through with it! He didnt wimp out. He didnt just waltz back in, as if nothing had happened. Okay, the father didnt give him a chance to even finish and was happy to see his kid, even from a distance (good forgiving attitude there!) Still, the son was willing to apologize and take a lower station in life, feeling unworthy of being a real son again. Compare this to the bad boy attitude. The bad boy assumes you will not

only take him back, and that youre happy hes come back to you, but that he should not have to apologize and should be able to pick up where he left off! All too often women get stepped on by unrepentant bad boys over and over again, precisely because theyre not repentant. Did the Dad hold the boy accountable? Nope. The son was convicted of his need to repent before he even came back to his Dad. Personally, I think Dad was glad to see his son, but the sentence coming out of the sons mouth: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. was enough for the Dad and solidified what the Dad had hoped and longed for. Something else to note in the story: Dad didnt go after the son, he didnt send others to follow him, Dad just let him go. It may sound trite, but maybe Jonathan Livingston Seagull had something there when he said: If you love something, let it go. If it returns to you, its yours; if it does not return, it never were yours. Fallacy #2: If you forgive, you forget Before someone gets in a snit and says: Love keeps no record of wrongs (from the love passage in Corinthians), let me explain a little about that passage. Some modern translations, like the NIV, say keeps no record of wrongs, but the KJV doesnt say that. It says: thinketh no evil. In the Greek, the word evil is KAKOS, and has several applications, one of which is harm, but the root word means depraved. The word thinketh is LOGIZOMAI, meaning to take inventory. Putting this together, it means you dont take inventory of the harm someone has caused you, rather, you forgive it en masse (could you imagine how long it would take for you to pray over each and every hurt some people caused you in life?) But not keeping stock of all back sin doesnt mean we forget it, it merely means that, if the person has asked for forgiveness for the sins, we forgive him. Then, if he sins again, and again asks for forgiveness, we forgive him for the latest group of sins. A perfect example of this is in Luke 17: 3-4: If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him. If he sins

against you seven times in a day, and seven times comes back to you and says, 'I repent,' forgive him." Please note that the passage says IF HE REPENTS. Again, he has to do something. And, by the way, its okay to tell him what he did wrong! Does it say we forget the sins? Nope. It says WE FORGIVE. Even if he does it seven times in one day. The fact is, the only place where the bible teaches that sins are forgotten is when it references God forgetting OUR sin. Nowhere does the Bible teach that WE forget, which is why forgiveness is so difficult. (Kind of makes you wish you had Alzheimers, huh?) The problem women have when it comes to bad boys is that, in thinking we have to forget as well as forgive, we end up having to play some mental games in order to do so. We have to rationalize (he was under a lot of stress when he beat me to a pulp, but things will be better now: she seduced him and he couldnt say no; hes just a baby Christian and doesnt know he shouldnt treat women that way; yadda yadda yadda). In the modern, psychological vernacular, we then become enablers and co-dependants. In the behavioral school, its called reinforcing negative behaviors. I kind of like that last description, because it de-victimizes us and makes us realize our own part in abusive behaviors. A prime example of this is seen in playboy types. They flit from female to female, and every woman he has ever hurt is now his best friend. None of them stand up to this guy and say: youre a jerk and I want nothing to do with you. Instead, they act like all is well, when in reality, theyre in a world-o-hurt because of him. BECAUSE THE WOMEN do not stand up, he goes on hurting more women. Sure, he could still go on, but at least youre not giving him the confidence to continue. An unwillingness to participate in someones deceptive and cruel behavior doesnt mean you dont forgive, it means you dont affirm his behavior! And that is why we dont forget. Fallacy #3: If you forgive me, you will be my friend, take me back, etc. I remember, many years ago, my first husband beating me to a pulp one night. The next day, he came home. My daughter was with my parents. I was in the hospital getting my jaw wired shut and recovering from a concussion. There was a note left him by my Dad telling him the following: Touch my daughter again like that and my sons and I will be here, on

your doorstep, to make sure you will never do it to her, or any other woman, ever again. In his panic state, he went looking for me. Eventually he did find me at a local hospital. In he came with a bouquet of flowers and a stuffed bear, with lots of tearful words. The nurse was in the room at the time and I recall so clearly the look of disgust on her face as he apologized. Me? I cried. I loved him. I took him back (he left later, after our son was born). I was also angry when he showed me the note from my Dad. No, he wasnt going to press charges against my Dad, please dont press charges against me, he pleaded. I didnt. I shouldve. Should I have taken him back? Well, if we go by only the story of the prodigal son, I was right in taking him back. But does the Bible require it? No. It doesnt. The fathers willingness to take his son back is different. The son had hurt himself, not his Father! Unfortunately, and contrary to popular opinion, forgiving someone does not nullify consequences. Gods mercy and His justice, as someone once said, are not mutually exclusive (His mercy never robs his justice). Take, for example, the story of David and Bath Sheba. Okay, Davids sin was pointed out to him and he repented. But his child still died, as God said would happen. In an article by Fred Keene, entitled The Politics of Forgiveness, Keen points out that more damage has been done to victims of abuse in this area than in any other. And he makes a pretty bold statement: Certainly it is neither useless nor unhealthy for people to forgive. People often need to let go of their pain in order to heal. But letting go must not mean letting those who hurt them off the hook. Not letting someone off the hook, can include following other Biblical passages about how to deal with this person. For example: Youre friends with someone who is chronically making lewd comments to you and about you. Okay, you forgive them. But the bible says we arent to participate in coarse conversation (Ephesians 5:4). Well, you forgive and forgive and continue trying to befriend this person, but they dont stop. Whats your obligation at that point?

Refuse to participate. Why? Because its improper for Gods Holy people (verse 3) to participate in this sort of thing. In continuing to place yourself in the position of having to hear it, by taking the person back (especially if theyre not repentant) youre not only encouraging their behavior, youre also participating in it! Well, isnt it Gods place to exact a consequence? Would that the bible taught that, but it doesnt. If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that 'every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. If this isnt people judging and executing a consequence, I dont know what is! Not long ago, I outright told a brother in Christ that his behavior seemed insincere and that his flirtatiousness offended me. He didnt take it very well. When I tried to follow through on the rest of the passage, well, lets say people dont like confrontation and leave it at that. So, then, I had to make a decision, since the man wouldnt apologize. That decision was, yes, forgive, and to then proceed to cease fellowship with him as a brother and treat him as a pagan or a tax collector (in other words, as a non-believer). Again, bad boys keep getting one over on women by playing guilt games: youre not very loving; youre not very forgiving; youre being a hypocrite; yadda yadda yadda. And quite often, they get away with it because, after all, who wants to be seen as an unloving, unforgiving Christian? Fallacy #4: If I dont forgive them, God will not forgive me of my sins I used to think this was in the Bible, but it isnt. Sorry. People often quote and misapply the Sermon on the Mount ( Matthew 5) when trying to make people feel guilty over taking a stand where sin is concerned, explaining that were to forgive all the time and under every situation. If I were to take the Sermon on the Mount literally, I would do this. But then, I would only

have one eye and one hand! I am commanded to love them, but nowhere does it say in there that I have to love them up close and personal. Another passage used to disarm someone who takes a stand and refuses to forgive is Matthew 7:1-3: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. "Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? Lets put this to rest right here and now, shall we? The word judge here is KRINO, it means to condemn or to damn. In other words, we cannot be the one who judges another person for damnation (thats something the Lord does, not us, Matthew 5:21-23). It does not say we cannot judge what is sin and what is not sin. Bad boys count on women not being judgmental. They operate under the Project Charlie School of Theology wherein one clarifies their values apart from the Biblical directions given to believers to avoid sin, flee fornication, etc. But, forgiveness doesnt call us to turn a blind eye to sin, sorry. If anything, true forgiveness, the desire TO forgive someone, makes us want to call them to account for sin, especially in the Body of Christ, because we love the person and want them to have a better fellowship: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted (Galatians 6:1) Please note the precaution mentioned! Watch yourself, or you may also get tempted to sin. The greek word here means to scrutinize. The implication is that, when a person is restored to fellowship after repenting and being helped back to fellowship, we arent supposed to scrutinize them afterwards. Classic example: a person repents and changes but people look for any little thing to pick at them about later on, as proof they havent really changed. UH OH!

Bottom line, we do judge. We have to judge. Not for salvation, and not for damnation. Some call it discernment. I call it: knowing what the Bible says (I dont have to ask God if something is wrong or right if, in His Word, He has already clearly spoken to the issue). Fallacy #5: I can ask God to forgive them When Abraham heard that Sodom and Gomorrah were about to be destroyed, he petitioned the Lord to spare the cities. After all, his kin lived there. God set a quid pro quo: find me 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 godly persons! (Okay, he didnt quite go that far, but you get the idea). Was Abraham asking God to forgive the sin? Nope. He was interceding for the people to live (so that his kin would be spared). Women who fall prey to bad boys are often placed on a guilt trip and, courtesy of some very bad theology, seem to think that they can ask God to forgive the guy. Unfortunately, we are not in the position to do that for another person. But, when Jesus was on the Cross, he said: father forgive them, for they know not what they do! Yes, and as our intercessor before the Father, he had the power to do so. But we are NOT Jesus. In fact, there is only one mediator between God and man, and it is Jesus. We can, as Abraham did, petition the father on behalf of others for things like a healing, etc. But we cannot ask the father to forgive someone elses sin. That is something they have to go to the intercessor for, themselves, because only God can forgive sin. We can only forgive the sinner. All too often, we think we can forgive a sin. We cannot. What we can do is, as the bible teaches: And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. Please note the difference here. Its repeated throughout scripture: we forgive the one who trespasses against us, not the trespass itself. If you think about it, by not feeling responsible for forgiving the sin (and leaving that up to God) we relieve ourselves from a very stressful situation and take ourselves out of the victims role entirely. We, in essence, become empowered, leaving (as it were) the dirty work of someones sin, to

God. Fallacy #6: Forgive the Sinner and the Sin? During an interrogation, before he repented, serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer (one of the most heinous criminals in history), made the statement that a cannibal is who he is and if God loves him, God accepts that and doesnt hold it against him. UGH! When a bad boy expects us to forgive his sin, he is in essence expecting us to accept his sin. To condone it. He doesnt mean forgive in the sense of hes repented. He means forgive in the sense of overlooking it. But what does the Bible have to say about us as sinners? Well, first of all, the bad boy points to passages which allow him to continue in his behavior: And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God. All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but I will not be brought under the power of any. (1 Cor. 6:12) All things are lawful for me, but all things are not expedient: all things are lawful for me, but all things edify not. (1 Cor. 10:23) See? says the bad boy. Im saved, therefore, it really doesnt matter what I do. Sure, it may not be GOOD for me, but God says nothing is denied the Christian! You may have seen these passages quoted whenever a person talks about sin. Usually, its by someone who discounts things like church fellowship, (I dont need to go to church, theyre full of hypocrites and are man-made): or really deep bible study (I dont care about the original Greek, Hebrew and Aramaic and besides, I dont even know what an exegesis is!).

Many women fall for this one, especially in the area of sex. I recall a brother asking the question: Should an unmarried couple engage in heavy kissing? A sisters response: No, but I do it anyway. When asked why do it if she knows its wrong, the sister replied: Well, its not right, but its not wrong, either. HUH? One wonders what bad boys do with passages like Galatians 5:13: You, my brothers, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the sinful nature. Or Romans 6:1-2 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein?

What happens all too often is that the bad boy convinces the woman that she should overlook (forgive) his sins toward her, in the name of Christian Liberty. When she feels hurt, angered by his sin, and has a hard time giving him real forgiveness, she ends up feeling guilty that she just cant overlook it (its pretty hard to overlook the Holy Spirit telling you something isnt quite right here) and ends up, once again, enabling him in his behavior. A Biblical View: Forgiveness Is and Is Nots First of all, if the person hasnt sinned against you personally, you cannot actually call them into account. Nor can you call them into account for alleged sin, unproven sin, sin which stems from gossip, assumption, or your impressions about someone (even if you do think you have a prophetic pipeline to God). Secondly, if someone comes to you with evidence that another has sinned, and is asking your intercession in the matter, and you refuse to help, then you are at that point in violation of your biblical duty. I remember one time, a woman in a church I attended caught her husband cheating on her. It wasnt circumstantial, she found them in bed together!

When she went to the Pastor of the church and asked him to help confront the man, the Pastor refused! I wont take sides, he said. Its between you and your spouse. When the woman then said she was going to take it before the church, the Pastor advised her not to do that as it would cause division. Ugh! Unity in the Body of Christ doesnt call us to tolerate sinful behaviors and hurtful actions imposed by someone on other persons. Unity doesnt call us to overlook sin, participate in sin, or in any way condone it. Unity calls us to repentance, forgiveness, and restoration. In an excellent treatise by the Forgiveness Institute, forgiveness is discussed in the four areas: Denial does not heal the hurt within. For Joseph, you could still see his emotion and struggle after 21 years of being hauled away from his family. Our hurts may FEEL like they happened just yesterday. Time can help, but if we deny we have been hurt then time cannot help heal our wounds. Avoid the unnecessary hurts inflicted by bad boys by stopping the pattern of denial. It hurt! It really HURT! Admit it. Face it. Deal with it. Forgiving is not Forgetting. We need to forgive precisely because we have not forgotten what that someone did; our memory keeps the pain alive long after the actual hurt has stopped. Forgiveness happens in the midst of Remembering and being able to let go. Letting it go is something we do in time. But letting it go doesnt mean we have to go back there. Even animals have enough sense to not return to an abusive home. Let go of guilt feelings because you remember the incident. Learn from what happened; dont go back to it. Neither is forgiving Excusing. We excuse someone when we understand that they were not to blame, or that they had no choice. They will make our letting go easier; but it will not have the effect of forgiveness. Bad boys make a choice. They can opt to stop hurting others, or keep intentionally doing so. When told that their behavior is hurtful or wrong, or worthy of distrust, the bad boy can chose to keep doing it, or to stop doing it.

If we then excuse it, we are allowing them to continue and actually assisting them in their sin. Tolerance is not forgiving. When people try to live or work together, they have to decide on the sorts of things they will put up with. But you are not able to tolerate everything. For instance, husbands and wives always need to tolerate little annoyances and habits. But not everything is tolerable, and some offenses certainly hurt. Forgiving is to call an intolerable offense intolerable, and still release it to God. Calling it like it is isnt a bad thing to do. Well, it is if youre into the Rodney King Theology of why cant we all just get along? The fact is, we are not to tolerate certain things. If the offense involves a sin, we are not called to be tolerant of it. And, in fact, a show of tolerance only allows the person to continue in their sin towards us, and makes it harder to thus release to God. Vengeance is clearly not forgiving. When we retaliate by doing unto others as they did unto us, then we are exacting vengeance. Be ye angry and sin not. A difficult dictum to follow. To exact vengeance, biblically speaking, is eye for eye. Meaning, we do to the other person whatever they did to us. If they falsely accused, we falsely accuse; if they rape, we see to it that they get raped; if the person beat us, we see to it the Capone Brothers give them a blanket party; if they talk lewdly to us to tease or tempt, then we do it back to them. You get the idea. Jesus got mad. Its called righteous indignation. Do you think it hurt the moneychangers when the Lord turned over their tables? Sure. It messed up their business for the day. Do you think it hurt the Pharisees when the Lord called them a nest of vipers? Sure it did. But he never once indulged in their sin with his anger. Forgiveness: Writing off the Debt So how do we forgive if its not our domain to forgive sin? We write it off by canceling whatever it is the person owes us. Be it an apology, money, whatever. Canceling the debt takes us from the subordinate position we are placed in by the bad boy and places us in the superior position of the one canceling the debt. It means we stop expecting

compensation. It means realizing the person cant, wont, or doesnt want to repay us for the hurt they caused. If that hurt involves sin (and not just an insult), it may be harder to cancel the debt, because theres something out there left dangling. At that point, however, things change. Now the person, themselves, are liable before God for the actual sin involved. Now it is between that person and the Almighty. You have cancelled the debt owed to you by forgiving the sinner. But only God can forgive the sin. Summary: Ladies, the main reason so many Christian women end up hurt by bad boys is because we have not bothered to learn that forgiveness doesnt call us to get back into situations which hurt us and/or lead us into sin again. Once we learn that bad boys count on our scriptural ignorance, we can then learn to guard against these things. Do you really WANT to be in the position of having to forgive this person later on? If not, then hold fast to that which is good and remember: you dont have to take him back. All you have to do is forgive him.