Imaginary

Transgression Syndrome
By Jane Gilgun

Summary This article describes imaginary transgression syndrome, a set of beliefs that people have about themselves that convinces them that they have done something wrong when they have not. Deep down, many people believe something is wrong with them and that they are worthless and unlovable. These are some of the most distressing feelings that people can have. Most of the time, these beliefs are at rest. Many people who have imaginary transgression syndrome function quite well. Once in while, however, difficult life events trigger the activation of these beliefs. At those times, not only do people have to deal with the difficult events, but they also experience anxiety, fear, shame, guilt, worthlessness, and unlovableness that the events activate. The article describes imaginary transgression syndrome and guidelines for dealing with it. About the Author Jane F. Gilgun, Ph.D., LICSW, is a professor, School of Social Work, University of Minnesota, Twin Cities, USA. She learned about imaginary transgression syndrome through more than 30 years as a reflective researcher and social work practitioner. See Professor Gilguns other articles, books, and childrens stories on scribd.com, Kindle, and iBooks.

Imaginary Transgression Syndrome

maginary transgression syndrome is a set of beliefs that many people have about themselves. Transgression means doing something that is wrong. Imaginary means that the person in actuality did nothing wrong. Many people believe they have done something wrong when they have not. These are false or distorted attributions. There are several variations of the imaginary transgression syndrome. The following are descriptions of these variations from the points of view of those who have the syndrome. In other words, the following describes how people with the syndrome think about themselves. Experiences of Hurt Someone hurt me. The person who hurt me is good. A good person would never hurt me if I a good person. I must be a bad person. No one loves me. No one will ever love me.

Someone Did Something Bad to Me Someone did something bad to me. I must have done something to deserve it. I must be a bad person. No one loves me. No one will ever love me.

Experiences of Having Done Something Wrong I have done something wrong. I am a bad person. I deserve to be treated badly. No one loves me. No one will ever love me.

I Caused Something Bad to Happen I caused something bad to happen to other people. I must be a bad person. I deserve to be treated badly. No one loves me. No one will ever love me.

Experiences of Emotional Neglect I am alone and afraid. There is no one to comfort me. The people around me are good. They do not respond to my distress. I must not deserve to be comforted. I will feel alone and afraid forever. No one loves me. I must be bad. I Dont Count I want people to care about what I want. People do not care about what I want. People do what they want no matter how their actions affect me. What I want does not count. I dont count. I must be bad. No one cares about me. No one loves me.

Some people have all six sets of beliefs. Others may have one, two, or more. These beliefs start in early childhood and appear to become embedded in the brain before memory centers mature. Therefore, we forget the events that led us to these beliefs but we have emotional memories of them. Most of the time, we dont even know we have these beliefs because they are usually inactive. People can function quite well when the beliefs are at rest. I have observed these sets of beliefs many times during my 30 years as a reflective researcher and social worker. By reflective I mean I worked at understanding the experiences and the meanings of life events for research participants, service users, service providers and myself. I do in-depth interviews that attempt to understand the course of human lives and, in interviews with service providers, how they interpret the meanings of their work and the effects of the work on them. I have taken a special interest in imaginary transgressions and their effects. The purpose of this article is to share what I have learned about imaginary transgression syndrome. There may be much more to the syndrome than what I report here. This article is a start of an exploration of this wide-spread human condition. Beliefs as Deep-Rooted The beliefs that characterize imaginary transgression syndrome are embedded in brain circuits, ready to be activated when life events trigger them. An unhappy life event, such as job loss or a romantic break-up, can trigger the activation of these beliefs. Not only do we have to deal with the present difficult circumstances, but we may be flooded with old beliefs that make our present situations even more difficult. We tell ourselves were screw 3

ups, stupid, nutty, foolish, defective, worthless, and unlovable. Other signs of activated imaginary transgression syndrome include anxiety, low mood, and discouragement. We may avoid being with others and shun activities we typically enjoy if we think people there dont like us. We have a strong sense of we have failed, have done something wrong, are bad and unloved. These responses are painful. People seek relief. Some people seek relief through self- destructive behaviors or behaviors that harm others. Reckless driving, chemical abuse, cutting, sexual preoccupations, over-eating, and gambling are examples of self-destructive responses to the activation of these beliefs. People who make these choices say that these actions bring temporary relief, but the old feelings of being defective, bad, and unlovable come back. In fact, the actions they perform add to their sense of being defective, bad, and unlovable. Their solution becomes part of the problem. Responses that are harmful to others include moodiness, irritability, sarcasm, argumentativeness, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and emotional abuse. Many people say they sometimes feel so bad about themselves that the only thing that brings them relief is to make other people feel as bad as they do. Some people feel remorse after they act in harmful ways, but they find that they repeat the harm. Their efforts to cope, like self- destructive efforts, become part of the problem. Some people who commit harmful acts are so walled off from the consequences of their actions that they state they have no remorse. They may even say they are entitled to do what they want and effects of their actions on others dont matter. Of course, there also are constructive ways of dealing with the activation of these beliefs. Meditation, yoga, vigorous exercise, talking to someone, going to a movie, and doing something kind for other people can help soothe the reactivation of hurt and fear characteristic of imaginary transgression syndrome. An Example Sophie had imaginary transgression syndrome, and she functioned well most of the time. She had a good job, was college educated, and attractive. She had many interests that she pursued with enthusiasm. They included sailing, hiking, and drawing. When she forgot about being a bad person, she excelled in her people skills. Often, however, her fears about being bad held her back from being relaxed and personable. The fears were so deep, she didnt realize she had them. She found that when other peoples actions were hurtful to her, she was afraid to speak up, and she tended to avoid them. It did not occur to her to talk to these people and test her fears about how others view her. Sophie did not know how. After more years in therapy she learned to grapple with her deep fears of being bad and unlovable. She began to understand that not speaking up helped her to avoid activating her fears about being bad and awful and terrible. She realized she would feel a sharp pang in her abdominal region that was like an early warning sign that told her to back off. She paid attention to that sign because she did not want to experience the full-blown activation of the syndrome. This involved feel enveloped by emotional pain, fear, anxiety, rage,

powerlessness, and discouragement. The few times when she allowed herself to express these emotions, the response of others reinforced her sense that she was a bad person. For example, when Sophie was about 12, her older sister scolded her about wearing one of her sisters blouses without permission, Sophie experienced that sharp pang. She blurted out, I know. Im bad. You dont love me. Her sister, 16 at the time, said, Dont be ridiculous and walked away. Sophie felt even worse, too ashamed to tell anyone about this incident. Her sisters indignation and apparent lack of concern about her fears of being bad and unloved were proof to Sophie that she was bad and unlovable. She began to hold back saying anything when she felt that familiar pang. As time went on, Sophie excelled in school, in sports, and other social activities, but she also was aware of underlying guilt and anxiety and a reluctance to engage whole-heartedly with others. Many people are like Sophie. Most accept their emotional states as normal and get on with their lives. Some believe there is a better way to live. They seek therapy, as Sophie did. After several sessions, the therapist said, I dont see that you have anything to feel guilty about. Maybe we should just have a trial and see if that would take care of the guilt. The therapist was joking. There was no trial. Sophie felt that familiar pang when the therapist made his joke, but said nothing. She tried something else to figure out what was bothering her. She did free form writing where she expressed whatever she was thinking. She shared the writing with the therapist. She wrote over and over that she was a bad person, a terrible person, a stinky person, no one loves her, and no one would ever love her. Sophie was surprised and at the same not surprised at what she had written. She somehow knew she felt this way, but these thoughts were rarely clear in her mind. The therapist said, Whoa. I dont want to go there. Lets talk about something else. Sophie trusted the therapist and followed the therapists directives. Sophies four years of work with him did not relieve her of her sense of being bad and unlovable. Neither the therapist nor Sophie ever again mentioned Sophies deep sense of being a bad person. Sophie, however, persisted with two other therapists and with a 12-step program for adult children of alcoholics. Her father, usually a kind and witty man, also was irritable and authoritarian at times. She did not realize he could be an alcoholic because he drank to drunkenness periodically and not every day. One rainy day when she was in her late 20s and feeling once again despondent and unloved, she thought she would try Al-Anon. There she found a home where she learned to identify and cope with her anxiety and sense of being a bad person.

Origins Imaginary transgressions syndrome begins in early childhood. Children are the center of their own lives. For some reason, nature programs young children to believe that they cause whatever happens to them. Events that are ordinary to adults may be extraordinary to children. For example, parental arguments, scolding by parents, or parental absences can be catastrophic young children while for parents these things are ordinary. Sometimes parental behaviors are extreme from any point of view, such as sexually or physically abusing children and being physically and verbally abusive in the presence of infants and children. When children have these experiences, they may think they have done something wrong. Many find it impossible to believe that their parents are at fault. They seem to be programmed to believe in the goodness of their parents, perhaps because they are dependent upon parents for their very survival. Children with these experiences move on to thinking they must deserve this bad treatment. If they didnt deserve it, it would not have happened. Some take these thoughts further and believe they are bad, unlovable, and unloving. They come up with explanations and conclusions that I placed in the first part of this article. When parents are 100% sensitive and responsive and do all the things that research on attachment and brain science say about how to promote childrens optimal development, children will not develop imaginary transgression syndrome. Obviously parents cannot always be this way. They sometimes are distracted, preoccupied, and occupied with other important duties. They, therefore, are not always emotionally available to their children. At younger ages than we may think, children develop a sense of themselves that other people are not always there for them, that they can hurt and no one responds, that no one cares, that they are unworthy of love and care, and that they are unlovable. These beliefs, in whatever form they may be, become encoded in brain circuits, along with beliefs that develop when parents are able to be sensitive and responsive. It is unimaginable that any child or adult does not have some fears that no one cares about them and that they are bad and unlovable. Later Reinforcing Experiences Many children have later experiences that reinforce their fears about lovability. For example, children who experience abuse and neglect often believe the maltreatment is their fault, as do survivors of rape and physical assault. People who experience lack of opportunity, discrimination, and even stigma based up race, ethnicity, religion, gender, sexual identity, marital status, social class, looks, and ability have additional proof that there is something wrong with them. Even religious institutions can unwittingly reinforce the sense of being bad. Doctrines of original sin, the purity of Mary in contrast to the sinfulness of everyone else but Jesus, Jesus died for our sins, stating at religious services that we are unworthy to be present to the Lord, policies that prohibit the ordination and

the right to marriage of all adults are examples of doctrine that reinforce persons sense of being bad. Even in the Book of Exodus, Moses proclaimed that some actions and therefore some people are irredeemable. He told the people he led out of Egypt The Lord, the Lord, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness, keeping steadfast love for the thousandth generation, forgiving iniquity and transgression and sin, yet by no means clearing the guilty, but visiting the iniquity of the parents upon the children and the childrens children and the childrens childrens children, to the third and fourth generation (Exodus, Ch. 34: 6-8). The God of Moses is contradictory in his attributes: loving and forgiving on the one hand and then unforgiving on the other. Those with imaginary transgression syndrome may count themselves among those whose guilt God does not clear. Sophie, for example, went to confession every week to tell a succession of priests in the darkened booth that she was having trouble with her father. Confession is a sacrament through which Christians seek reconciliation with God by confessing their sins. Today it is called the sacrament of reconciliation. The priests she confessed to did not recognize the depth of her guilt and fears about her worthiness. Dismissive, every week the priests said, For your penance, say three Hail Marys and two Our Fathers and make a good Act of Contrition. Sophie did this every week and felt as guilty and bad as ever. She wanted the priests to ask her to say a bit more about her relationship with her father, but they never did. She didnt know that she might have asked the priests if she could tell them about her father. Many religions have ways that are meant to relieve believers of feelings of guilt and unworthiness, but many other doctrines and practice undermine these intentions. Overall, then, many other wide-spread beliefs and practices confirm the fears of infancy and early childhood about lovableness and being bad. Beliefs and practices meant to bring people into the love of God are successful in many ways, but at the same time, many people cant get past the notion of original sin and their deep-rooted sense of guilt and badness. Sophie represents a lot of other people.

When We Really Have Done Something Wrong As common as imaginary transgression syndrome is, sometimes we really do something wrong. Often these wrong-doings are in response to beliefs about imaginary transgressionsthat is, I feel bad, and I do something that makes me feel better and others to feel bad. No matter what the origins, when we have done something wrong, the best course of action is to promptly admit it, seek the guidance and support of others, seek to make up for the wrong, and depend upon the guidance and support of others to help you not repeat the wrong. Some people use the 12 steps, which includes the following: Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understand God, asking only for the knowledge of Gods will and the power to carry it out. Many people do not believe in God and so depend upon the wisdom of a 12-step group to help them through difficult times. Meditation, yoga, vigorous exercise, interesting activities are among the other ways that people use to help them cope with the challenges of changing their hurtful behaviors. Helpful Responses to Imaginary Transgression Syndrome Imaginary transgression syndrome begins in childhood. Parents and other adults can do a great deal to nip the syndrome in the bud. Todays adults, however, often have not experienced this kind of help in childhood, and so they really dont know how to help children and other adults who show signs of the syndrome. Its not too late for adults to grapple with and learn to manage their own adult versions of the syndrome so that they can be helpful to other adults and to children. Children Signs that children have imaginary transgression syndrome include both behaviors and words. Children who are withdrawn, angry, easily discouraged, and easily frustrated may be developing beliefs that they are bad, incompetent, unworthy of love, and unlovable. When parents and other adults see these behaviors in children, they will be most helpful if they say something that recognizes that the children are not doing well. something as simple as You seem sad today. Is something bothering you? can lead to a conversation where children open up. Often, children respond to invitations to do something. The following is an invitation: Tough day, huh? Want to go for a walk? (or go for a bike ride, shoot some hoops, go out to eatwhatever the child enjoys). Once parents or other adults sense a connection with the child, then the parent can quietly make a statement about the childs moodsuch as sadness, discouragement, frustration, and anger. This kind of reaching out helps children feel safe enough to share what could be difficult inner states. Here are some guidelines for talking to children about difficult issues. Its important that parents and children be in a private space that is quiet enough that they can hear each other and other people cannot.

 Under-react. No matter what children say or how they say it, stay calm. You can express your own emotions any way you want once you are out of sight and ear shot of the children. Sit on the same level as the child. Speak in a calm voice. Regulate eye contact: Don't stare or avoid the eyes, although in some cultures not looking into the eyes of others is a form of respect. Some children are uncomfortable with eye contact and may be more comfortable riding a bike, walking, or riding in a car. Sit at a comfortable distance from the child. Echo the last word of the child's statement. Reflect back what you just heard to check to see if you heard correctly. Use the 80/20 formula--adults do 20% of the talking. Repeat a key word. Nod your head when you understand something. Use the words the child uses, not only the slang but other words, too.

This list contains suggestions only. Whats important is to provide a sense of safety to children, to be emotionally available, to listen, to hear, and to respect childrens freedom of choice to talk or not talk. Once children have said what is on their minds, there are many ways to respond, such as I understand. Im sorry you feel this way. I didnt know you felt that way. Im sorry I did something that led you to feel the way you do. Sometimes people do mean things and dont realize they have. What would you like to say to the person who hurt you? Who can you trust to talk to if you feel this way again?

Once parents and other adults understand what is going on with the children, there may be steps they can encourage children to take, such as talking to the person who hurt them or rehearsing what they can say or do when they are in situations they find difficult. Adults can role play with the children. Sometimes the adults can take the roles of children and the children take on the roles of adults. Parents sometimes do this when their children have trouble with bullies. Coaching and behavioral rehearsal can be helpful once parents and other adults have a good understanding of what is going on for children. Along with behaviors, children often say things that indicate they are developing imaginary transgression syndrome. These words include. Im bad. Im no good No one likes me Im stupid

Im ugly Im going to kill myself Im different I hate you

A constructive response to words such as those just stated is to say, Do you think youre bad? (or no good, ugly, stupid, etc)? I didnt know you felt that way. What makes you think that way? Then listen. (Sometimes teenagers say to parents, I hate you, and such statements have nothing to do with imaginary transgression syndrome. Teenagers can express their frustrations in hurtful ways. Waiting until the teenager is less frustrated and then asking them to elaborate might work. Sometimes parents have to wait out their teenagers negative behaviors.) To childrens statements, often said in rage, I want to kill myself, a helpful response is to say, Oh, my goodness, that is serious. You must be really upset. Can you tell me whats going on? Then listen. When children cope with flare-ups of imaginary transgression syndrome, parents and other adults first must make sure that everyone involved is safe, including the children who are struggling with powerful thoughts and emotions. Adults also stay with the children and do not force them into isolation. When the children are calm, then the adults can make gentle inquiries about how the children are now doing. The children may want some comfort, such as touches, hugs, and kisses. If so, this is appropriate. If they do not want physical contact, adults respect that. Then adults can gently ask what was going on that the children acted in self-destructive or other destructive ways. If the children feel safe and understood, they are likely to express what is going on for them. Some children will not. Adults respect the childrens autonomy and create conditions where children continue to feel safe or have opportunities to feel safe. Adults also hope that one day the children will feel safe enough to express their deepest fears and beliefs. The handout in the Appendix and available as a pdf on scribd.com as listed in the references may be useful to professionals, parents, and other adults who have contact with children. Wanting Attention? Many parents, adults, and older persons are dismissive or annoyed when children say things like this. Sophies older sister stomped away, angry at Sophie, for example. Adults often say, She (or he) is just looking for attention. Yes, that is correct. Children do look for attention. That is the nature of being a child, or a human being, for that matter. When they feel neglected, they may not have the social skills to ask sweetly for attention. No matter how children ask, the point is to give it to them. Their demands for attention indicate that they want to believe that they countthat someone cares about them, that they are worthy of attention, and that someone cares about them and loves them. When children feel satisfied that they count and are lovable, then adults can coach them about polite ways of asking for attention. 10

Once children have enough attention, they then feel good enough about themselves and others that they move naturally toward other activities that also are a natural part of being human and that promote their optimal development. Adults It is not too late for adults to explore whether they have imaginary transgression syndrome. Here is a simple set of questions to ask yourself. You might at first say to yourself, Thats not me. As you think about it later, you may realize that it is, at least some of the time. There are no right or wrong answers, only what you think. Mark the blank in from of the statement with one of the following five numbers. 1=never 2=seldom 3=often 4=most of the time 5=all of the time 1. ______ I feel guilty and dont know why. 2. ______ I feel as if I dont count. 3. ______ I feel as if no one loves me. 4. ______I feel ashamed and dont know why. 5. ______I feel as if I did something wrong, but I dont know what it is. 6. ______ If other people knew the real me, they wouldnt like me. 7. ______ I feel as if other people are good, but I am bad. 8. ______ I feel as if I did something wrong, but I dont know what it is. 9. ______ I feel that others blame me when things go wrong. 10. ______ I dont want other people to know how I feel about myself. 11. ______ I put my own preferences aside to get other people to like me. 12. ______ I lie about myself to get other people to like me. 13. ______ I keep busy. If I dont, I start feeling sad and anxious. 14. ______ I try to make myself feel better by doing things that I regret later. 15. ______ I want to stop doing things I regret later, but I find I do them anyway. 16. ______ When someone snubs me, I wonder what I did wrong. 17. ______ I do the best I can in everything I undertake in order to avoid criticism. 18. ______ When other people criticize me, I feel unloved and unappreciated. 19. ______ When I think someone doesnt like me, I make efforts to test that thought. 20. ______ When I feel bad, I dont care how my behaviors affect others. 21. ______ When I feel bad, I want others to feel bad. 22. ______ When I feel bad, I do something constructive. 23. ______ When I feel bad, sometimes I do something that hurts others, sometimes I do something that is not good for me, and sometimes I do something constructive. I intend each of these items to give you something to think about. Adding the scores might not have a much meaning, but they could. If you wanted to add your scores, subtract scores on item 19 and 23 from your total score. These items are both constructive responses. The

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more frequently you do something constructive about feeling bad , the less likely your distorted attributions will bother you. Many adults make distorted attributions about themselves and live satisfying lives, at least sometimes. A number of people become sick and tired of this way of thinking and feeling. Many resign themselves to feeling sick and tired. Others get involved in yoga, meditation, prayer, exercise routines, and hobbies, not only for the intrinsic pleasure of these activities, but also as a way of coping with the negative effects of imaginary transgressions. Some, like Sophie, seek therapy. Some therapists, similar to Sophies first, have no idea what imaginary transgression syndrome is. He did not help her. Sophie persisted and after years of effort, she gained insight into her own imaginary transgression and lived a deeper, more meaningful life. Had the therapist she consulted first understood the syndrome, she might have gotten some control over it much earlier in her life. Nonetheless, she is happy she is letting go of beliefs that have dragged her down and affect the quality of her life. Sophie had to deal with many unpleasant memories and losses as she dug deep into herself to root out her imaginary transgressions. To cope with the emotions associated with these memories and losses, Sophie engaged in a many pleasant activities, such as joining a book club, taking voice lessons, singing in a community chorale, and taking time off from work to go camping, sailing, and fishing. She also did yoga and meditation. When anyone decides its time to deal with imaginary transgressions, its a good idea to plan ahead about how to deal with the harsh memories that may arise. The kinds of activities that Sophie did are examples of how to deal with emotions connected to painful memories. Living with people who have imaginary transgression syndromes can be difficult. In fact, in marriage and other relationships, typically everyone involved has the syndrome to some degree. Simple recognition of this can go a long way toward fostering healthy relationships. When they symptoms of imaginary transgression syndrome flare up, adults can respond to each other as sensitive, responsive parents respond to children. Coping with flare-ups of imaginary transgression syndrome is not easy, but if adults understand what is going on, chance are they will learn to respond constructively. Discussion Many people have imaginary transgression syndrome. Most of them live satisfactory and even fulfilling lives because they deal constructively with flare-ups of the syndrome. In addition, really lucky people have relationships with others who are sensitive and responsive in the face of flare-ups. These others do not take the flare-ups personally and avoid getting entangled in them. When the flare-ups diminish, these others are sensitively available and responsive. Well-functioning persons who have the flare-ups recognize when their behaviors have hurt others, take responsibility for the hurt, and take steps to deal with the imaginary transgressions that trigger their flare-ups. The original transgressions may be imaginary, but the hurt that individuals cause when they experience these flare-ups is not imaginary. Some people take that extra step and seek professional help to deal with their imaginary 12

transgressions. These kinds of ideal behaviors take place within relationships characterized by trust, empathy, and commitment to accountability. Other individuals, children and adults, are not so fortunate. Flare-ups from one person may trigger flare-ups in others. The situation may get even more difficult and end with an impasse, hurt feelings, and stand-offs. Parents and children, teachers and students, and wives and husbands commonly engage in such mutual difficulties. In conflicts with children, adults clearly have the responsibility to deal with their own imaginary transgression syndrome and not move on to blaming and labeling children. Brat, little shit, and incorrigible are some of the terms adults use to blame children and to avoid dealing with their own beliefs about their imaginary transgressions. Some peoples flare-ups hurt others, as in moodiness, irritability, cruel teasing, and sarcasm. A number of people become physically, sexually, and emotionally abusive. Other flare-ups result in self-destructive behaviors, such as chemical abuse, gambling, and reckless behaviors. Persons who deal with flare-ups in this way, typically require professional help. Their behaviors are unlikely to change without help from others. Adults who are sensitively responsive in the face of flare-ups understand the logic of childrens thinking. This logic is simple and is composed of many variations of the ideas that lead to the conclusion that they are bad and unlovable, as discussed in the beginning of this article. The thinking of adults who have imaginary transgression syndrome is the same as the thinking of children. The reasons for this are related to how the brain works. Beliefs about imaginary transgressions become encoded in brain circuits when individuals are young children. These beliefs remain unchanged even as individuals and their brains mature. The beliefs may be inactive for extended periods of time, but life events can activate them. The only way to change the beliefs themselves is to dig deep, re-experience them in the safety of secure relationships, and see them for what they are. This is not easy, but some 12-step groups provide the guidelines and safe spaces that we required to do this. Some group and individual therapy does, too. Many adults may have forgotten the logic of early childhood, just as Sophies therapist and older sister forgot. They did not say, Oh, my goodness, Sophie is showing signs that she believes she is bad and unlovable. I have to be responsive to her. Instead, Sophies expression of her distress over her imaginary transgressions appears to have triggered avoidance responses in the therapist and her sister. When adults dont recognize childrens logic or cant bear to connect to childrens deepest fears, this is a sign that they want to avoid experiencing their own beliefs related to imaginary transgression syndrome. Out of touch with their own distressing beliefs, they cannot connect with childrens distress. Children are left on their own to deal with some of the most distressing beliefs that human beings can have about themselves.

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Sensitive, responsive adults, who are emotionally available to children and other adults, have dug deep into their own inner experiences. They have learned to cope with the distressing sentiments that compose imaginary transgression syndrome. I hope their numbers increase. If they cant connect with children on this logic, they cant help children. In the best of all worlds, parents and other adults are sensitively responsive to children who are developing imaginary transgression syndrome. They have an important part to play in nipping the syndrome before it bursts into full bloom. Later in life, wide-spread beliefs about the worth of categories of people reinforce imaginary transgression syndrome. This article provides some guidelines for being emotionally available to children and to adults who appear to have imaginary transgression syndrome. References Berk, Laura E. (2008). Child development (8th ed.). Boston: Allyn and Bacon. Davies, Douglas (2011). Child Development: A practitioners guide (3rd ed.). New York: Guilford. Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). A NEATS analysis of anxiety disorders. Scribd.com. http://www.scribd.com/doc/69746799/A-NEATS-Analysis-of-Anxiety-Issues Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). A NEATS analysis of child physical abuse. Scribd.com. http://www.scribd.com/doc/49047777/A-NEATS-Analysis-of-Child-Physical- Abuse Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Lemons or lemonade: An anger workbook for kids. Scribd.com. http://www.scribd.com/doc/27522776/Lemons-or-Lemonade-An-Anger- Workbook-for-Kids Gilgun, Jane F. (2010). Talking to children who have been sexually abused. Scribd.com Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). The NEATS: A child and family assessment. Scribd.com. http://www.scribd.com/doc/16496944/The-NEATS-A-Child-Family-Assessment Gilgun, Jane F. (2011). When children say Im bad. Scribd.com. http://www.scribd.com/doc/51304149/When-Children-Say-I-m-Bad Introduction/Highlights: Brain development research. Early Education Commission, United way of Atlanta. http://smartstartga.org/_images/pdf/eec/research_brain_dev.pdf Kidd, Sue Monk (2002). The secret life of bees. New York: Penguin.

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Do kids deserve maltreatment?

Does anyone? Expect Respect Children need help with emotional abuse. They think its their fault.

Key Ideas
Inner working models Trauma Self-concept Expectations Internalization Safety of secure relationships Self-regulation

Do not Change the subject Yell at the child for saying such things Smoother child with concern Say, Youre just looking for attention. Say, So what? Everyone feels that way sometimes. I do.

When Children Say, Im Bad.

Say Do you think youre bad? I didn't know you feel that way. What makes you think you are bad? Then listen. You can do the same things when children say, Im no good, No one likes me, Im stupid, Im ugly, Im going to kill myself, Im different, and I hate you.
Jane Gilgun jgilgun@umn.edu 3.11 15