SECTION XXVII: PARENTCHILD RELATIONAL PROBLEM Therapists Overview

AM I TEACHING MY CHILDREN ADDICTIVE PATTERNS?

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. 2. 3. Understand the relationship between addictive behavior and parentchild conflicts. Understand how parental behaviors contribute to multigenerational cycles of addiction. Improve parenting skills by learning to role model healthy and nonaddictive behaviors.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

Adult-Child-of-an-Alcoholic (ACOA) Traits Childhood Trauma Family Conflicts Treatment Resistance

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT

The Am I Teaching My Children Addictive Patterns? activity is intended for clients at risk of transmitting addictive behavior patterns to their children. It aims to increase motivation for recovery by helping clients see how these behaviors increase the risk of the next generation falling into similar patterns. It lists patterns of addictive thinking and behavior and asks clients to provide examples and then think of ways to model healthy alternatives. This activity is suitable for use as an individual or group exercise, in session or as homework. Follow-up can include tracking strategies for change identified in the exercise, as well as videotherapy with films such as Riding In Cars With Boys or others recommended in the book Rent Two Films and Lets Talk in the Morning by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons.

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AM I TEACHING MY CHILDREN ADDICTIVE PATTERNS?

For just about all parents, one of our most cherished hopes is to give our children good childhood experiences. Many of us who grew up in families with problems promised ourselves wed do better than our parents were able to do. One of the worst things about addictive patterns is that they, with their complications, tend to be passed on to our children. Think back on your own family history. How many generations back do the patterns go? Do you suppose the generations before you felt the same way, not wanting to pass the problems on to their children? Why did it happen anyway? It seems simply wanting to do better isnt enough. First, we cant teach what we havent had the chance to learn. Second, it may not be obvious that these patterns of thinking, feeling, and behavior are connected with addiction, so we may be setting our children up to repeat our problems without knowing were doing it. In this exercise well look at attitudes and habits of thought that seem to be built into addictive lifestyles, so you can work to break the generational cycle. Please take a look at these patterns, list ways you may have been role-modeling them for your children, and decide what you will do to change each one. 1. Dishonesty. Lying to ourselves and others, stealing, putting on a front, and mind games (e.g., denial, blaming, rationalizing, focusing on looking good over inner qualities). Ways Ive modeled or taught dishonesty to my children: Ways Ill model and teach honesty: 2. Self-centeredness and using people. Putting our own wants ahead of the well-being and feelings of others; manipulation, controlling, and objectifying others. This includes being careless about hurting other people; not trying to see things from the other persons point of view; treating others as tools by conning, bullying, kissing up, deliberate button-pushing, etc. Ways Ive modeled or taught self-centeredness and using people to my

children:

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Ways Ill model and teach consideration and respect for others: 3. All or nothing thinking. Seeing ourselves, others, and situations in oversimplified extremesperfectionism, calling ourselves or others stupid or bad for normal mistakes, feeling we are either better or worse than everyone else, over-dramatizing normal problems into disasters. Ways Ive modeled or taught all or nothing thinking to my children: Ways Ill model and teach realistic, shades-of-gray thinking: 4. Doing things to excess. Going overboard with using, drinking, eating, spending, work, greed, or any activity, often leading to painful consequences. Ways Ive modeled or taught going to excess to my children: Ways Ill model and teach moderation: 5. Impulsiveness. Lack of self-control, consequences of our actions. not enough attention to the

Ways Ive modeled or taught impulsiveness to my children: Ways Ill model and teach maturity and self-control: 6. Impatience and unrealistic expectations. Expecting instant gratification intolerance for frustration or delays; wishful thinking, perfectionism. Ways Ive modeled or taught impatience to my children: Ways Ill model and teach patience: 7. Isolation from others. Lack of trust, poor communication, loneliness, judging ourselves by different standards (usually harsher) than we apply to everyone else, refusal to ask for help. Ways Ive modeled or taught isolation to my children: Ways Ill model and teach connection to others:

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8.

Shame. Low self-esteem, feeling that we are defective/stupid/ugly/crazy/bad, feeling that if we fail at something or do bad things were bad people. Ways Ive modeled or taught shame to my children: Ways Ill model and teach self-respect:

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.