SECTION XXXV: SEXUAL PROMISCUITY Therapists Overview

IS IT ROMANCE OR IS IT FEAR?

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. 2. 3. Maintain a program of recovery that is free from addictive or high-risk behavior in relationships. Identify and correct thoughts that trigger sexual promiscuity and learn to practice self-talk that promotes healthy sexual behavior. Identify connections between childhood relationships with alcoholic, addicted, or otherwise dysfunctional parents and dysfunctional love relationships in adult life. Achieve insight into the roots of dysfunctional relationships both with alcoholic parents and adult partners in feelings of responsibility for others behavior. Identify healthy nonromantic relationships to use as models for healthier love relationships. Identify early warning signs to avoid future dysfunctional relationships.

4.

5. 6.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

Borderline Traits Partner Relational Conflict

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT

The Is It Romance or Is It Fear? activity is for clients with patterns of unhealthy relationship dynamics echoing childhood relationships with dysfunctional parents. This exercise is useful when clients present with dissatisfaction with dysfunctional relationships or loneliness and desire to establish new relationships. Follow-up can include bibliotherapy or videotherapy (see the book Rent Two Films and Lets Talk in the Morning by John W. Hesley and Jan G. Hesley, also published by John Wiley & Sons).

EXERCISE XXXV.A

IS IT ROMANCE OR IS IT FEAR?

Do you repeatedly find yourself in romantic and/or sexual relationships with partners who are abusive, dishonest, neglectful, or otherwise bad for you, relationships that always seem to end in heartbreak, humiliation, fear, or abandonment? Do you find that even knowing youd be safer and happier with someone who was honest, considerate, and dependable, its the bad boys/bad girls who excite you? This exercise will help you start changing this painful pattern. 1. First, please reflect on the relationship or relationships that stand out in your mind as having been hardest to cope with. For each person that came to mind, think about what was most hurtful. The experiences that hurt most can include verbal and emotional abuse, physical abuse, dishonesty, emotional instability, undependability, abandonment, infidelity, neglect and emotional unavailability, addictive behaviors, and other irresponsible and self-destructive behavior by our partners.

2. If you thought about more than one relationship, do you see any trends or patterns? For example, some people get into relationships over and over with partners who are unfaithful and involve them in romantic triangles. Others may be repeatedly drawn to alcoholics, or workaholics, or batterers, or sex addicts. Please describe any patterns you see.

3. Now wed like you to think about your experience growing up with alcoholic, addicted, or otherwise dysfunctional parent(s) or other adults. In many families where a caregiver has these problems, children are emotionally neglected. Impaired parents are also more likely than others to be verbally, emotionally, and/or physically abusive; to divorce or abandon their families; to be dishonest, undependable, and emotionally unavailable; and to be

unstable

and

self-destructive.

EXERCISE XXXV.A

Look at the patterns you listed for your painful love relationships, and circle any that also describe your childhood relationship with your parents. What patterns are repeated?

4. When those things happened in your childhood family, which of the following emotions did you feel: fear, anger, anxiety, shame, or despair? What about other painful feelings?

5. When the painful things you described happened in your adult love relationships, which of those emotions did you feel?

6. As children, its normal for us to feel responsible for whatever other people do that affects us. Children often blame themselves for their parents divorces, depressions, rages, drinking, and other problems. Even if a child doesnt consciously think, Its my fault that they did that, often he/she thinks if only I were a better kid, if only I could say or do the right thing, theyd act different. If you felt that way, please list some things your parents did that you felt were somehow your fault.

7. Now, moving back to adolescent and adult love relationships, if you sometimes have that same if only . . . feeling, please describe an experience where you felt that way.

8. If you are like most adult children of alcoholics, the partners to whom youve been drawn have had much in common with your parents, and you may have experienced many of the same patterns and feelings. If you are seeing this kind of similarity, please describe the emotions this realization brings up for you, and your thoughts about what you could do about it.

9. One of the most attractive qualities of dysfunctional partners is often the intensity and excitement we feel when were with them. Another relationship marked by

EXERCISE XXXV.A

similar intensity and excitement is that of an addict with his/her drug or other addictive behavior. What other parallels do you see between an addicts relationship with an addiction and yours with your parents, past partners, or both?

10. Take a moment to imagine your ideal partner. Please circle the six qualities from the list below that would best describe the person youd like to be in a relationship with. 1Honest Humorous Positive Courageous Kind Spiritual Healthy Patient Loyal Practical Intelligent A Good Parent

Practical Emotionally Strong Dependable Playful

Sensitive Unselfish

Now think about your closest nonsexual, nonromantic relationship today. This could be with a best friend or a family member. Which of the qualities you circled describe that person?

11. Please compare how it feels to be in that close nonromantic relationship with how it feels or felt to be with your partner in your most painful relationship, then think about which relationship has been more emotionally rewarding and healthier for you. What are your thoughts about this comparison?

What would it be like to be in a romantic relationship with a person whose personality was similar to the person you thought about for question 10?

12. If you would rather be in such a relationship, less exciting but more nurturing, how can you seek out this type of partner?

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.