SECTION XXVIII: PARTNER RELATIONAL CONFLICTS Therapists Overview

COMMUNICATION SKILLS

GOALS OF THE EXERCISE

1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Understand the relationship between addiction and partner relational conflicts. Develop and maintain effective communication and sexual intimacy with a partner. Identify ways the client succeeds and fails in communicating with important others. Identify better ways to communicate and learn to use them. Learn to teach and use effective communication strategies with others in the clients life.

ADDITIONAL PROBLEMS FOR WHICH THIS EXERCISE MAY BE USEFUL

Borderline Traits Family Conflicts Occupational Problems Parent-Child Relational Problem Social Anxiety

SUGGESTIONS FOR PROCESSING THIS EXERCISE WITH CLIENT

The Communication Skills activity is intended for clients whose relationships are troubled due to poor communication skills on the part of the clients themselves or others. This is critical to relapse prevention, as the most common relapse trigger is relationship conflict and the most common source of relationship problems is poor communication. Follow-up for this exercise could include guided practice in group, couples, or family therapy; keeping a journal about the outcomes of this assignment; and reporting back to the therapist and treatment group on outcomes.

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COMMUNICATION SKILLS

Saying what you mean clearly and in a way that is respectful both to yourself and to others is a skill that must be learned. So is hearing what others are trying to tell you. Effective communication takes two basic skills: (1) expressing yourself clearly and (2) listening actively. In this exercise you will learn how to communicate more effectively, and how to teach this to others. 1. Please list two people with whom you have the most trouble communicating, and why you think this happens. Then do the same for people with whom you find it easy to communicate. People with Whom Its Hard to Talk Why Its Hard

People with Whom Its Easy to Talk

Why Its Easy

2.

Now well look at communication styles and how they work. We each have a favored style we use most; please think about your habits and those of others in your life. a. Aggressive. Expressing yourself with little regard for others rights, thoughts, or feelings. Aggressive communication can be abusive and judgmental. It may include name-calling, yelling, interrupting, sarcasm, ridicule, and hostile body language. b. Passive-aggressive. Not expressing yourself openly. Hinting; talking behind others backs; sarcasm; constant complaining; expecting others to know what you think, feel, or want without telling them; refusing to talk even when others can see youre upset. c. Passive. Not expressing yourself in ways you fear might upset others, or possibly any way at all. Giving short, uninformative answers; agreeing with whatever others say.

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d. Assertive. Expressing your thoughts, feelings, and wishes clearly without ignoring those of others; being able to say no in a way that respects both others and yourself. Which of the styles described above best describes your style of communication? Please choose one and give some examples of how you use this style.

3.

In your relationships with family members, friends, and coworkers, what happens when you disagree with someone or they disagree with you?

4.

Think about the last time you disagreed with someone close to you. How did you handle the situation, and how did the other person? What was the result?

5.

Now well look at specific elements of effective communication and how you can use them: a. Avoid mind-reading. Dont try to tell other people what they think and feel or what their reasons are for things they do. None of us like it when others tell us what we think or feel, and this often triggers arguments. Think about a time when someone did this to you. Describe that situation, how you felt, and whether it helped the communication between you and the other person.

b. No name-calling. When we are upset with others it is because of what they did or didnt do: in other words, their actions. Calling people names is not referring to their actions. It is labeling who and what they are, things they cant change. Name-calling is one of the most assured ways to turn a discussion into an argument or fight. Think about a time when someone called you names. Describe the situation, how you felt, and whether it helped communication between you and the other person.

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c. No interrupting/No long speeches. These two guidelines go together. When we cut others off or finish their sentences for them, the message is, What you have to say is not important enough for any more of my time. Also, were often wrong about what people mean to say when we finish sentences for them. Of course, for one person to let another talk uninterrupted, they both have to know that theyll have a chance to speak, which is why long speeches cause problems. Think about a time when someone went on and on in a conversation or kept interrupting you. Describe that situation, how you felt, and whether it helped the communication between you and the other person.

d. Be specific. When we say You always or You never , were labeling the person more than we are describing a specific action. Were also wrong. Even if they very often or very seldom do something, it is unlikely that they always or never do itno human being is that consistent. If we tell others they always or never do things, theyll think of exceptions right away. Theyll probably feel hurt that we dont recognize those exceptions. This leads to an argument about the always/never statement, not to a useful talk about changes we want in others actions. Think about a time when someone generalized about your behavior. Describe that situation, how you felt, and whether it helped the communication between you and the other person.

e. Talk about one thing at a time. We may have many problems to work out with another person, but if we bring them all up at once he/she will feel overwhelmed. Most of us want to get along with others, and we want to know what they want from us. When we start bringing up one issue after another in a discussion, it is sometimes called kitchen-sink fighting because it seems to other people that we are throwing everything at them including the kitchen sink. Think about a time when someone threw the kitchen sink at you in a discussion by piling issue upon issue. Describe that situation, how you felt, and whether you feel it helped the

communication between you and the other person.

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f.

Claim your own feelings and actions. A near-guaranteed way to pick a fight is to blame someone for your own feelings or actions, by saying You made me feel or You made me do . Other people cant make us do anything, unless they use physical force. They cant make us feel or think a certain way. Turn it around: Do you want to be blamed for someone elses actions and feelings? To solve a problem instead of starting a fight, it works better to say things like When you did (action), (result) happened, and I felt (emotion). Think about the last time someone blamed you for their feelings or actions. Describe that situation, how you felt, and whether it helped the communication between you and the other person.

g. Respond to both the spoken and unspoken parts of the message. As well as listening to other peoples words, we need to respond to the emotions they express through facial expressions, body language, and tone of voice. It always helps if others see we are paying attention and trying to understand them. Think about a time someone acknowledged your feelings as well as your words. How did they let you know? How did you feel about it?

h. Use a structured communication method. 1) Agree to talk about the issue at a specific time in the near future and at a place that is practical for both people and as free of distractions as possible. Agree on who will talk first and who will listen first (youll trade places often). The first person makes a short statement, using this format: EVENT / RESULT / FEELINGS When (event) happened, you did (action), it caused (result), and I felt (feelings). Think of a time when you were upset with someone. How could you have expressed your viewpoint in this format?

2) 3)

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4)

The listener then says something like, If I understand what youre telling me, youre saying . . . (the listener paraphrases the message, expressing it in his/her own words). This is key because sometimes the same words mean different things to two people. The first person either agrees that the second person got the message right, or restates any part that was left out or mixed up, or deletes anything that got added. Trade places and repeat the process. After the first time, you can switch to telling one another what you would like the other person to do or stop doing. Just say I would like you to . The feedback works the same as before. If you are not willing or able to do what the other person wants, tell them so in plain English: Im not willing to . I cant because . If possible, offer a compromise. Think about a time someone wanted you to do something you were unable or unwilling to do. How could you have expressed this to the other person?

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Keep repeating this process until you both feel you clearly understand each others perceptions, feelings, wants, and what you are willing to do for each other.

6.

These techniques can seem awkward at first but get easier with repetition. It helps to practice with important people in our lives. Part of this exercise is to talk about this with at least two important people in your life, practice these skills with them, and talk about the results with your therapist and/or your therapy group. After practicing these communication techniques, what questions/challenges do you have about continued improvement of your communication skills?

Be sure to bring this handout back to your next therapy session, and be prepared to talk about your thoughts and feelings about the exercise.