Table of Contents

Table of Contents............................................................................................................................................................1 What goes wrong in dysfunctional families?..................................................................................................................3 Dysfunctional Families...................................................................................................................................................5 Reasons why there is continuous Dysfunctional families in every new generation ......................................................7 Roles Within Dysfunctional Families...........................................................................................................................10 Types of Dysfunctional Families..................................................................................................................................13 Healthy Families, Unhealthy Families..........................................................................................................................17 Behavior patterns..........................................................................................................................................................23 A Biblical Perspective...................................................................................................................................................24 References.....................................................................................................................................................................27

Introduction According to the United Nations, the family is a basic unit of society and the natural environment for the growth and well being of all its members, particularly children and youth. The World population plan of Action which emerged from the World population Conference (1994) recommended that a) family to be protected by appropriate legislation b) family ties to strengthened by giving recognition to the importance of love and mutual respect within the

family units c) measures to be taken to protect the social and legal rights of spouse and children in the case of dissolution or termination of marriage by death or other reason. There are a wide variety of families, which differ from place to place. Changes in family structure occur as the family passes through different stages in its life cycle, as family formation, family extension and family dissolution. The functions, role and relationships are often said to create a sense of society, belonging and purpose that create psychological and emotional strength in the family and are essential to its stability, cohesion and continuity. It is an undeniable fact that the family has the greatest personal investment in the welfare of the children by virtue of biological, emotional and social ties. It is the prime responsibility of the parents as adults to protect the best interests of the child in the family. Article 18 of the United Nation Convention on the Rights of Child (1989) states State parties shall use their best efforts to ensure recognition of the principle that both parents have common responsibilities for the upbringing and development of the child. Parents or, as the case may be, legal guardians, have the primary responsibility for the upbringing and development of the child. The best interests of the child will be their basis concern. Sad to say, many a family become disbanded, disintegrated or distressed owing to myriad socialcultural, economic, psychological or emotional barriers. The term dysfunctional family is defined as one which develops a sense of powerlessness (Mishe and Mishe, 1977) that pervades the lives of the members in the family and which is unable to cope with adversities of life effectively and accomplish the life tasks. A dysfunctional family is incapable of a) giving attention to the family need b) ameliorating or preventing negative effects on the family and c) bringing about changes in familys environment through the provision of opportunities for improving the standard of living. Unfortunately, children in dysfunctional families experience crises and are being considered at risk of abuse and neglect. There are a number of factors correlated with family dysfunctions that force the children at risk. It is evident that children in dysfunctional families lead a life devoid of the rights to childhood.

What goes wrong in dysfunctional families? Deficient Parents Deficient parents hurt their children more by omission than by commission. Frequently, chronic mental illness or a disabling physical illness contributes to parental inadequacy. Children tend to take on adult responsibilities from a young age in these families. Parental emotional needs tend to take precedence, and children are often asked to be their parents' caretakers. Children are robbed of their own childhood, and they learn to ignore their own needs and feelings. Because these children are simply unable to play an adult role and take care of their parents, they often feel inadequate and guilty. These feelings continue into adulthood. Controlling Parents Unlike the deficient parents described above, controlling parents fail to allow their children to assume responsibilities appropriate for their age. These parents continue dominating and making decisions for their children well beyond the age at which this is necessary. Controlling parents are often driven by a fear of becoming unnecessary to their children. This fear leaves them feeling betrayed and abandoned when their children become independent (Forward, 1989). On the other hand, these children frequently feel resentful, inadequate, and powerless. Transitions into adult roles are quite difficult, as these adults frequently have difficulties making decisions independent from their parents. When they act independently these adults feel very guilty, as if growing up were a serious act of disloyalty. Alcoholic Parents Alcoholic families tend to be chaotic and unpredictable. Rules that apply one day don't apply the next. Promises are neither kept nor remembered. Expectations vary from one day to the next. Parents may be strict at times and indifferent at others. In addition, emotional expression is frequently forbidden and discussion about the alcohol use or related family problems is usually nonexistent. Family members are usually expected to keep problems a secret, thus preventing anyone from seeking help. All of these factors leave children feeling insecure, frustrated, and angry.

Children often feel there must be something wrong with them which makes their parents behave this way. Mistrust of others, difficulty with emotional expression, and difficulties with intimate relationships carry over into adulthood. Children of alcoholics are at much higher risk for developing alcoholism than are children of non-alcoholics. Abusive Parents Abuse can be verbal, physical, or sexual. Verbal abuse - such as frequent belittling criticism can have lasting effects, particularly when it comes from those entrusted with the child's care. Criticism can be aimed at the child's looks, intelligence, capabilities, or basic value. Some verbal abusers are very direct, while others use subtle put-downs disguised as humor. Both types are just as damaging. Definitions of physical abuse vary widely. Many parents, at one time or another, have felt the urge to strike their child. With physically abusive parents, however, the urge is frequent and little effort is made to control this impulse. The Federal Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act defines physical abuse as "the infliction of physical injuries such as bruises, burns, welts, cuts, bone or skull fractures; these are caused by kicking, punching, biting, beating, knifing, strapping, paddling, etc." Striking a child has much to do with meeting the parent's emotional needs and nothing to do with concern for the child; parents often erroneously justify the abuse as "discipline" intended to "help" the child. Physically abusive parents can create an environment of terror for the child, particularly since violence is often random and unpredictable. Abused children often feel anger. Children of abusive parents have tremendous difficulties developing feelings of trust and safety even in their adult lives. While parents may justify or rationalize verbal or physical abuse as discipline aimed at somehow helping the child, there is no rationalization for sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is the most blatant example of an adult abusing a child purely for that adult's own gratification. Sexual abuse can be any physical contact between an adult and child where that contact must be kept secret. Demonstrations of affection -- such as hugging, kissing, or stroking a child's hair --

that can be done openly are quite acceptable and even beneficial. When physical contact is shrouded in secrecy then it is most likely inappropriate. Sexual abuse happens to both boys and girls. It is perpetrated by both men and women. It cuts across lines of race, socioeconomic level, education level, and religious affiliation. In most cases, sexual abuse is part of an overall family pattern of dysfunction, disorganization, and inappropriate role boundaries. Responsibility for sexual abuse in all cases rests entirely with the adult. No child is responsible for being abused. Most sexually abused children are too frightened of the consequences for themselves and their families to risk telling another adult what is happening. As a result they grow into adulthood carrying feelings of self-loathing, shame, and worthlessness. They tend to be self-punishing and have considerable difficulties with relationships and with sexuality. Regardless of the kind of dysfunction or abuse, effects vary widely across individuals. Support from other healthy adults, success in other areas, or positive changes in the family can help prevent or minimize negative effects. The following questions may help you identify how you may have been or continue to be affected. Dysfunctional Families Although this term is used casually in popular culture, health care professionals define dysfunctional family as one where the relationships among family members are not conducive to emotional and physical health. Sexual or physical abuse, alcohol and drug addictions, delinquency and behavior problems, eating disorders, and extreme aggression are some conditions commonly associated with dysfunctional family relationships. The concept of the dysfunctional family is based on a systems approach to mental health diagnosis and treatment, where the individual's symptoms are seen in the context of relationships with other individuals and groups, rather than as problems unique to the client. Odds are that you or someone you know grew up in a home that was far from perfect. Maybe your father drank himself to sleep every night. Or your mother flew into a rage when you

dropped something on the floor. Or maybe you were raised with the sense that nothing you said mattered and no one cared to pay attention to the things that were going on in your life. There's no such a thing as a perfect family. Every family experiences arguments, hurt feelings, anger, and sadness. But there's a difference between growing up with the occasional argument or disagreement and living with what are now known as dysfunctional families. Alan Garner said: Possessive parents rarely live long enough to see the fruits of their selfishness. There is no strict definition of a "dysfunctional family," and especially in popular usage the term tends to be a catchall for many different relational disorders that take place within the family system and its subsystems (parents, children). Mental health care providers and institutions increasingly recognize family and couples therapy as effective methods of treating diverse mental health disorders, especially where children are involved. In a dysfunctional family, many tools are used against the child, forcing the child to adopt survival traits In order to cope with the conflicting messages. Melody (1989) states, "The dysfunctional survival traits that their natural characteristics are warped into become the core symptoms of codependence when the children become adults" Some of the characteristics of dysfunctional family systems are as follows:

Blaming; failure to take responsibility for personal actions and feelings; and invalidation of other family members' feelings. Boundaries between family members those are either too loose or too rigid. For example, the parent may depend excessively on the child for emotional support (loose boundaries) or prevent the child from developing autonomy by making all the decisions for the child (rigid boundaries).

Boundaries between the family as a whole and the outside world may also be too loose or too rigid. A tendency for family members to enact set roles caregiver, hero, scapegoat, saint, bad girl or boy, little prince or princess that serve to restrict feelings, experience, and selfexpression.

A tendency to have an "identified patient" one family member who is recognized as mentally unhealthy, who may or may not be in treatment, but whose symptoms are a sign of the inner family conflict. Often the identified patient's problems function to disguise the larger family issues. For example, a child may be regarded as a bully and a troublemaker in school and labeled a "problem child," when he may in fact be expressing conflicts and problems, such as abuse from home, by acting out and being "bad."

To recover from the experience of growing up in a dysfunctional family it is important to understand difficulties that may be experienced in such areas. Understanding difficulties with denial and expressing feelings is important, but it is just as necessary to understand their positive counterparts. We must provide community Support such as going to church, neighborhood enrichment programs, involvement in the school, knowing neighbors, going to single parent support groups at church etc... Therapy is another way to deal with this problem. Therapy covers individual, couples, family, and group therapy, it covers open ended and problem-focused therapy, and therapy for "traumas" and well as "normal life issues" Family therapists, like other therapists, take many different treatment approaches psychodynamic, behavioral, cognitive, or a combination of these therapies. They may talk to members individually, together, and in subgroups. They may ask family members to reenact situations, or to do "homework" by modifying elements of their behavior and responses. As with individual therapy, one of the goals of family counseling is to reframe problems so that family members can see specific events and behaviors more clearly in a broader systems perspective. Reasons why there is continuous Dysfunctional families in every new generation A. Families Teach this to Children Sometimes this happens through one generation. One parent is grossly negligent, allows the children to be sexually abused. The children grow up angry, wild, and end up pregnant early. They don't want to be parents, leave the responsibility to their own parents, and the cycle happens again by the same abuser. Another parent is angry and physically abuses the children. They grow up, have kids, swear to be different, but are unable to handle stress, anxious, and easily "set off." they transmit their anxiety to the children, prompting acting out, and then they hit their own children. The cycle continues...

Sometimes this happens through multigenerational processes. Each generation "adds a bit more on to the pile." One mother is an angry and critical woman, who raises timid and insecure children. They partner with dominating and uncaring people, who provide little love. Their children react by picking partners like their own parents, and trying to gain the love from them they never got from their parent. You hear people say "She married her father" or "they had an argument and he said she was just like his mother." Sometimes our families involve us in unhealthy relationships and we seem to repeat them almost on purpose. Freud called this a repetition compulsion and saw it as a sign of dysfunction. Others have seen it as an effort to fight with our weaknesses until we overcome them. Family systems theory says we do it without realizing it because it's how we learned to be close, to establish distance, and to cope with life and define ourselves. B. Dysfunctional environments play a role too. Maybe your family was always poor, but maybe it wasn't. Your mom was a neglectful mother. You had to live in a cheap but poor neighborhood. You get raised around crime and violence, and are overprotective of your own children. They rebel, move out on their own, and live in poor and violent neighborhoods, get victimized because they are young and naive, or pick dysfunctional partners because they are still childlike in their needs and feelings of separation and loss. The dysfunction continues almost despite the family's efforts. Beth Brophy (1995), a U.S News Senior Editor, states that dysfunctional families are different from pleasant ones by the ways that they deal with the issues of control, power, and relationship closeness. Brophy believes that families can be grouped into five levels, with the first one being optimal. According to Brophy, this type of family is portrayed through television shows similar to The Cosbys, where both parents share the power equally, the differences between family members are accepted, and each family member is able to express their feelings without a fear of rejection. With the families at the optimal level, the final power of rules lies within the parents, but the children are able to make reasonable suggestions and the parents then consider the childrens opinion when making the final decision. Even then, the rules are able to bend and change with time, as the situations needs.

Skipping a level and going to level three, the midrange level, Brophy describes her version of ordinary people. According to Brophy, in this type of family, the rules are controlled by what one should have done, rule breakers feel guilty, and the idea of control is managed by manipulation, guilt and intimidation. Brophy claims that these families, for the most part, are able to function okay. The problem that Brophy suggests is that there are many rules for what a good, loving person should do. She gives examples of things including a good wife keeps hte house clean or makes love to her husband when he wants, a good husband doesnt work on the weekends, and good children listen and obey their parents. The issue that is raised at this level is, the rules tend to make people do the things because they feel they should do it. Afterwards, they are likely to feel resentful about doing it because they never wanted to do it in the first place. One could also not do what the rules say they should and then consequently feel guilty about it. This can be a very emotionally limited life ruled by rules themselves. No one can really be their self, so no one is able to get close to one another. Brophy (1995) goes on to describe level five with these families being severely disturbed. She gives the example of the Prince of Tides, in which there is no clear figure of who is in charge, there is confusion and chaos, and the familys problems remain unsolved because all family members avoid confronting the real problem. Brophy notes that in these families there tends to be no leadership, no idea of what is going to happen next, and absolutely no rules to break. A child can be rewarded for doing something one day, and then punished the next for doing the same thing. All sorts of double messages are given and people tend to have no sense of belonging to family. Its a no-win situation. According to Brophys research, a dysfunctional family at level five is one that most would not want to participate in. To some, the Osbournes family may fall into Brophys category of the severely disturbed. According to some sociologists, they may fall into the adequate to midrange category. This suggests that the term dysfunctional and the ideas surrounding the term might just be psychobabble. Dysfunctional means that something didnt work. The important thing to remember is not labeling one dysfunctional, but having an idea of how to overcome it.

The families of today seemed by others to be dysfunctional may not function the way families are portrayed on television, but the problems they face that deemed them dysfunctional, may make them stronger. It may give them the strength to get up and try again. If one was to grow up in the typical, ideal family they possible could never have had any hardships to work through. People learn from the problem that they create and have to deal with. If one is good at it, they learn to get up and try again because no fall is ever hard enough to leave them broken. Roles Within Dysfunctional Families A dysfunctional family is one in which the relationships between the parents and children are strained and unnatural. This is usually because one of the family members has a serious problem that impacts every other member of the family, and each member of the family feels constrained to adapt atypical roles within the family to allow the family as a whole to survive. The spouse in this family may enable the problem spouse to maintain employment by lying for him or her, for example. He or she may become obsessive about the problem spouse's abnormal behavior, such that he or she loses perspective in his or her own life, a pattern that is called codependency. Sharon Wegscheider (1981) referred to this family role in alcoholic families as that of the Enabler. The children also assume roles within the family to make up for the deficiencies of parenting. Sharon Wegscheider (1981) referred to these roles within the alcoholic family as the Hero, the Scapegoat, the Lost Child, and the Mascot. The Enabler protects and takes care of the problem spouse, whom Sharon Wegscheider (1981) refers to as the Dependent, so that the Dependent is never allowed to experience the negative consequences of his or her actions. While the Enabler feels angry and resentful about the extra burden that is placed upon him or her by the Dependent's unhealthy, irresponsible and antisocial behavior, he or she may feel powerless to do anything about it. The Enabler feels he or she must act this way, because otherwise, the family might not survive. While the family is afforded survival by the Enabler's responsibility, the Enabler may pay the cost of stress-related illness, and never have his or her own needs met, in effect, being a martyr for the family. The paradoxical thing about the Enabler's behavior is that by preventing the Dependent's crisis, he or

she also prevents the painful, corrective experience that crisis brings, which may be the only thing that makes the Dependent stop the downward spiral of addiction. The Hero, who is usually the oldest child, is characteristically over-responsible and an overachiever. The Hero allows the family to be reassured it is doing well, as it can always look to the achievements of the oldest son or daughter as a source of pride and esteem. While the Hero may excel in school, be a leader on the football team or a cheerleader, or obtain well-paying employment, inwardly he or she is suffering from painful feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as nothing he or she does is good enough to heal his family's pain. The Hero's compulsive drive to succeed may in turn lead to stress-related illness, and compulsive over-working. The Hero's qualities of appeasement, helpfulness and nurturing of his or her parents may cause others outside the family to remark upon the child's good character, and obtains him or her much positive attention. But inwardly, the Hero feels isolated, unable to express his or her true feelings or to experience intimate relationship, and is often out of touch with his or her own sources of spirituality. The Scapegoat, who is often the second born, characteristically acts out in anger and defiance, often behaving in delinquent ways, but inwardly he or she feels hurt in that the family's attention has gone to the Dependent or the Hero, and he or she has been ignored. The Scapegoat's poor performance in school, experimentation with drugs, alcohol, and promiscuous sexuality, flaunting of the conventions of society, or involvement in adolescent gangs or criminal activity may lead him or her to be labeled the family's problem, drawing attention away from the Dependent's addiction. This behavior can also be seen as a cry for help, and it is often the delinquency of the Scapegoat that leads the entire family into treatment. The acting out behavior of the Scapegoat may bring with it substance abuse or addiction to alcohol or drugs, early pregnancy for which he or she is not prepared, or incarceration. The hostile and irresponsible attitude of the Scapegoat may lead him or her into accidents, or acts of violence against others or self. The attitude of defiance may lead him or her to do poorly in school, effecting future employment and the opportunity to earn an adequate income. The Scapegoat's cleverness and manipulation may be used to engage in leadership of peer groups, or in the invention of schemes of dubious legality, or outright criminality, to earn a livelihood. Though the Scapegoat may develop social skills within his or her circle of peers, the relationships he or she experiences tend

to be shallow and inauthentic. The Scapegoat, cast in the role of a rebel, may have lost touch with his spiritual potentials and morality, as well. The Lost Child role is characterized by shyness, solitariness, and isolation. Inwardly, he or she feels like an outsider in the family, ignored by parents and siblings, and feels lonely. The Lost Child seeks the privacy of his or her own company to be away from the family chaos, and may have a rich fantasy life, into which he or she withdraws. The Lost Child often has poor communication skills, difficulties with intimacy and in forming relationships, and may have confusion or conflicts about his or her sexual identity and functioning. These children may be seen to seek attention by getting sick, asthma, allergies, or by bed-wetting. Lost Children may attempt to self-nurture by overeating, leading to problems with obesity, or to drown their sorrows in alcohol or drug use. The solitude of a Lost Child may be conducive to the development of his or her spirituality and creative mental pursuits, if low self-esteem does not shut down all efforts at achievement. The Lost Child often has few friendships, and commonly has difficulty finding a marriage partner. Instead, he or she may attempt to find comfort in his or her material possessions, or a pet. This pattern of escape may also lead him or her to avoid seeking professional help, and so may remain stuck in his or her social isolation. The Mascot role is manifested by clowning and hyperactivity. The Mascot, often the youngest child, seeks to be the center of attention in the family, often entertaining the family and making everyone feel better through his or her comedy and zaniness. The Mascot, in turn, may be overprotected and shielded from the problems of life. Inwardly, the Mascot experiences intense anxiety and fear, and may persist in immature patterns of behavior well into adulthood. Instead of dealing with problems, the Mascot may run away from them by changing the subject or clowning. The Mascot uses fun to evoke laughter in his or her circle of friends, but is often not taken seriously or is subjected to rejection and criticism. The Mascot commonly has difficulty concentrating and focusing in a sustained way on learning, and may develop learning deficits as a result. The Mascot also may fear turning within or looking honestly at his or her feelings or behavior, so he or she may be out of touch with his or her inner feelings, and his or her spirituality. The frenetic social activity that the Mascot expresses is in fact often a defense against his or her intense inner anxiety and tension. The inability to cope with the inner fear and tension leads many Mascots to believe they are going crazy. If this inner anxiety and desperation

is not addressed, it is not uncommon that a Mascot may slip deeper into mental illness, become chemically dependent, or even commit suicide. A special case is the only child. An only child in an alcoholic family may take on parts of all of these roles, playing them simultaneously or alternately, experiencing overwhelming pain and confusion as a result. Sharon Wegscheider notes that the longer a person plays a role, the more rigidly fixed he or she becomes in it. Eventually, family members "become addicted to their roles, seeing them as essential to their survival and playing them with the same compulsion, delusion and denial as the Dependent plays his [or her] role as drinker." Types of Dysfunctional Families Dr. Janet Kizziar (1989) characterizes four types of "troubled family systems," which are "breeding grounds for codependency:" 1) The Alcoholic or Chemically Dependent Family System 2) The Emotionally or Psychologically Disturbed Family System 3) The Physically or Sexually Abusing Family System 4) The Religious Fundamentalist or Rigidly Dogmatic Family System Codependency expresses in these dysfunctional families through the typical strategies of minimizing, projection, intellectualizing and denial. Minimizing acknowledges there may be a problem, but makes light of it. Projection blames the problem on others, and may appoint a scapegoat to bear the family's shame. Intellectualizing tries to explain the problem away, believing that by offering a convenient excuse or explanation, the problem will be resolved. Denial demands that other people and self believe there is no problem. The patterns of codependency can emerge from any family system where the overt and covert rules close its members off from the outside world. These family systems discourage healthy communication of issues and feelings between themselves, destroy the family members' ability to trust themselves and to trust another in an intimate relationship, and freeze family members into unnatural roles, making constructive change difficult. Rules that encourage the unnatural patterns of relating in these codependent family systems include:

Don't talk about problems Don't express feelings openly or honestly Communicate indirectly, through acting out or sulking, or via another Have unrealistic expectations about what the Dependent will do for you Don't be selfish, think of the other person first Don't take your parents as an example, "do as I say, not as I do" Don't have fun Don't rock the boat, keep the status quo Don't talk about sex Don't challenge your parent's religious beliefs or these family rules

family member

The dysfunctional family dynamics engendered by these unrealistic and restrictive rules leads to unfulfilling relationships as adults. This leads, Dr. Kizziar believes, to the symptomatic characteristics of codependency in adult relationship styles, marked by 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. difficulty in accurately identifying and expressing feelings problems in forming and maintaining close, intimate relationships higher than normal prevalence of marrying a person from another perfectionism, having unrealistic expectation of self and others, and being rigidity in behavior and attitudes, having an unwillingness to change having a resistance to adapting to change, and fearful of taking risks feeling over-identified or responsible for others' feelings or behavior having a constant need for approval or attention from others to feel good awkwardness in making decisions, feel terrified of making mistakes, and feeling powerless and ineffective, like whatever they do does not make a exaggerated feelings of shame and worthlessness, and low self-esteem

dysfunctional family or a person with active alcoholism or addiction too hard on oneself

about themselves may defer decision-making to others difference

12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

avoiding conflict at any price, and will often repress their own feelings apprehension over abandonment by others acting belligerently and aggressively to keep others at a distance tendencies to be impatient and over-controlling failure to properly take care of themselves because of their absorption in

and opinions to keep the peace

the needs and concerns of other people, and acting like martyrs, living for others instead of for oneself 17. dread of the expression of their own anger, and will do anything to avoid provoking another person. The particular expression of these codependent traits by each individual is often a function of the type of family in which a child grows up. For example, Dr. Janet G. Woititz (1990) recognizes the following 13 traits that are characteristic of adults who grew up in a family where alcoholism was present. Adult children of alcoholics 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9. 10. 11. 12. 13. guess at what normal behavior is have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end lie, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth judge themselves without mercy have difficulty having fun take themselves very seriously have difficulty with intimate relationships overreact to changes over which they have no control constantly seek approval and affirmation usually feel they are different than other people are super responsible or super irresponsible are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence the loyalty is undeserved are impulsive, and tend to lock themselves into a course of action without

giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences.

In Authoritarian families, whose members may be subjected to inflexible religious values or a black-and-white, one-dimensional view of the universe by a dominant parent, Dr. Janet Kizziar (op.cit 1989) believes may be subject to the following problems. 1. 2. 3. They suffer from a frozen identity state, dominated by oppressively strict Their feelings become cut off from beliefs, and they no longer are certain The members experience great difficulty in thinking and deciding for

moral values. what they really feel. themselves, as dogma or parental authority overshadows free choice and independent thinking. 4. They have discomfort sharing honestly about their past, as they believe they must continually pretend they are living up to the ideal held up to them by their authoritarian parents. Children who grew up in families where they were victims of incest show a variety of psychological, behavioral and interpersonal issues. Psychologically, they suffer from sleep and eating disorders, fears and phobias, recurring nightmares, dissociative reactions, depression, anxiety and hysterical reactions, have low self esteem, believe they are polluted or inferior, and feel intense guilt, fear, shame, and anger. Behavioral consequences include school problems, truancy, delinquency, running away from their families, prostitution, promiscuity, and higher rates of suicide attempts and completed suicides. Interpersonally, they have difficulty trusting others, and they are more likely to physically and sexually abuse their own children, and are more likely to be sexually victimized (Finkelhor, et al(1986) Some adults experience difficulties with adult sexual adjustment, and nearly half show decreased sexual drive after childhood sexual abuse (Herman, J. et al(1981 So intense are some of the reactions to growing up in these families, that Dr. Timmen L. Cermak believes they are similar to "Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" experienced by survivors of

disasters or wars, such as VietNam Veterans. These happen to people who chronically live through or with events "outside of range of what is considered normal human experience." War veterans and adults growing up in dysfunctional families may, without warning, re-experience feelings, thoughts and behaviors that were present during the original traumatic event. These reimmerging painful feelings are newly triggered by environmental stimuli (Briere, J.1984). Dr. Cermak notes, "for children from chemically dependent families, the trigger can be almost anything...the sound of ice clinking in a glass, an expression of anger or criticism, arguing, the sensation of losing control (Cermack, Timmen L, 1989). Another symptom of stress disorder is psychic numbing, which Dr. Cermak describes as suspending feelings in favor of taking steps to ensure personal safety, or splitting between one's self and experience disconnecting from feelings in order to survive (Ibids) Survivors of trauma also experience hyper-vigilance, an inability to feel comfortable unless they are continually monitoring their environment. Cermak relates they "remained on edge, always expecting the worst, unable to trust or feel safe again. (Ibids) Finally, survivors of trauma, veterans of a war or children from chemically dependent families, feel survivor guilt (Ibids). "Whenever they experience the fullness that life has to offer, they immediately feel as if they are betraying those who never had the chance. It seems somehow wrong to go away and be healthy when those that are left behind are still suffering (Ibids) Healthy Families, Unhealthy Families Codependency is transmitted through family learning, and family members come to believe that these distorted patterns of relating are normal. As the family is the primary arena of socialization, children growing up in these families are ill equipped to deal with the demands of the larger world outside the family home. They are often saddled with inadequate coping skills, distorted perceptions of what is appropriate behavior, and unrealistic expectations of the behavior of other people. To heal these dysfunctional patterns of relating, the codependent adult must get into touch with the "inner child", the real self within. This part of us is alive, energetic, creative, and capable of

seeing things as they really are. The inner child can love others unconditionally, and can tell the truth. In contrast, the codependent, "false self" feels uncomfortable, strained and inauthentic in relating to other people. It acts to cover up, deny and withhold genuine feelings, and inhibits spontaneous, "natural" or playful behavior. It may develop a negative attitude toward self or others that is envious, critical, blaming, shaming and perfectionistic. It tends to be other-oriented, focused on what it believes others think it should be or others want it to be. It is capable of only conditional love, rewarding others only if they conform to its inner values of what is right and wrong. Codependency is generated in emotionally disturbed family systems by inconsistent, unpredictable, and crazy parenting styles. In physically and sexually abusive family systems, codependency is related to the violation of personal boundaries. Victims of abuse fear that the violation may reoccur at any time, and also experience an invasion of their self respect--they cannot control their own bodies, and their choices and desires are not respected. In alcoholic and drug using family systems, codependency arises as a result of the unpredictable behavior of the substance abuser, and the stresses it places on the other members of the family. In fundamentalist, dogmatic families, codependency is created by over-control and excessive regimentation. In a healthy family system, family members openly acknowledge their problems, discuss them openly, and work toward change. They believe change is acceptable, and actively solicit workable solutions from other family members. Children in these families are free to express their needs and wants. Family members can talk about feelings and traits in themselves that they feel should be changed: shame and embarrassment do not immobilize them. There is permission to express appropriate anger. The adults of the family model healthy, congruent behavior for their children: what they tell their children to do and what they themselves do, match. Families function to provide the following needs for their members: 1. 2. Maintenance, the provision of food, clothes, shelter, and health care Nurturance, the granting of safety, security, warmth, and a sense of "home

3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8.

Inclusion, the fulfilling of love and belongingness needs Privacy, respect for each member's autonomy and separateness Esteem, the bestowing of a sense of worth and personal value on its Understanding, the agreed upon right of members to make mistakes and Recreation, the opportunity to have fun together Spirituality, the permission to develop a relationship with a Higher Power,

members learn from them

to have meaning and purpose in life. To the degree that these functions of the family are eclipsed by dysfunction of one or more of its members and by the codependency that derives from this, to that degree will the ability of its members to successfully cope with life in the world outside the family be diminished. Dr. Janet Kizziar sees that the family roles embody these functions of family, albeit in a distorted way. The Enabler provides for Nurturance needs, and may ensure Maintenance needs as well, if the Dependent is incapacitated. The Hero brings Esteem to the family; the Scapegoat, mistakes, so that the individual and family derive Understanding and learn from them; the Lost Child, Privacy; and the Mascot, Recreation, the spirit of fun and comic relief. She also points out three other roles that appear in some dysfunctional families, that of the "Princess" or "Little Man," the "Doer" and that of the "Family Priest". The Princess or Little Man is the child that is cast in the role of the family favorite. This family member is often subject to emotional, or covert incest, becoming a substitute spouse for the opposite sex parent. As a result, this family member never gets his or her needs met. The Princess or Little Man is not allowed to be a child, as he or she must always be available to service the needs of mother and father. Children who are pressed into this role often attract sexually and physically abusive partners in their adult relationship as they never form proper boundaries. This child often embodies the Inclusion, or love and belongingness needs of the family.

The Doer is often cast as the breadwinner, the caretaker for the family, furnishing its Maintenance needs. He or she tends to be over-responsible, yet is saddled with guilt, feeling that he or she never does enough. The result of this labor of love on behalf of the family that takes up all of the Doer's time and strength is that he or she often feels fatigued, tired, lonely, unappreciated and empty. The family does not acknowledge the Doer for what he or she accomplishes. The Doer may become workaholic, deriving his or her personal satisfaction and self respect from employment. Doers may attempt to meet their needs for love and belongingness, esteem and actualization outside the family, which is perceived as a place of tension and misery. The Family Priest is cast in the role of embodying the family's spirituality. This family member is denied sexuality, and is expected to abide by the strictest codes of morality or virtue. The family expectation for this member is that he or she will take vows, and become a monk or nun, a priest, rabbi, minister, or sannyasin, renouncing the world, and living for God and service to humanity. If this family member refuses to assume this role, he or she may be treated as if they are worthless, a family pariah or scapegoat. In a healthy family, members are not cast into rigid roles. Instead of pressing each member to embody a role to fulfill only one family function, each member is giving the opportunity to experience each of the family roles. As a result, they incorporate positive adult and parental modes of functioning. They are able to maintain themselves and their own families. They are able to give and receive nurturing. They are able to establish a network of intimate and friendship relationships in which they can experience love and belongingness. They have the capacity to function autonomously and to take initiative, they have self respect and can respect the values and boundaries of others. They can accept their own mistakes and learn from them. They have the capacity to laugh and have fun. They have a relationship with their Higher Power, a source of inner meaning, strength, and hope. A Question of Boundaries In dysfunctional families, parents violate the boundaries of their children. Parents from these families do not respect their children's personal freedom and privacy, they discount their

children's feelings, do not honor their attempts at independent thinking and decision-making, and do not allow them to experience their impulses toward creativity, spirituality and self actualization. These deficits in the children's development are revisited by problems in their adult relationships and careers, and with raising their own families. When parents disrespect a child's boundaries, the child's sense of selfhis or her autonomy, selfrespect, feelings of effectiveness and of making a differenceare compromised. In place of a healthy sense of self, children may come to feel they are "damaged goods": unworthy, inferior, inherently bad, incompetent, stupid, or ugly. This negative conditioning limits what they believe they are capable of doing, being, and having throughout their lives. One of the central priorities of the recovery process must be to reconstruct this damaged self-esteem. Boundaries are broached in different ways. In the physical or sexual abusing family, the child's physical boundaries are violated. In families where there is insanity or serious illness of a parent, the child's emotional boundaries are infringed upon, and the child may be forced into the role of surrogate spouse for the other parent, or required to act as the ill parent's caretaker. In the substance abusing family, the volatile and immature behavior of an intoxicated parent creates confusion about appropriate boundaries in interpersonal roles. As there are no models of rational or predictable behavior, there is breakdown of honest communication, a lack of emotional stability and nurturing by the parents, and a lack of safety that would permit trust, self disclosure and intimacy to develop. In the fundamentalist, dogmatic or authoritarian family, parents trespass on children's right to think for themselves (mental boundaries). They also violate children's rights to make their own decisions (volitional boundaries), to interpret and act upon their own conscience (moral boundaries), and to experience and express their innate spirituality, creativity, and quest for meaning and value (spiritual boundaries).

Another priority for recovering adult children from these dysfunctional families must be to rebuild appropriate boundaries. They must relearn what is appropriate sexuality, and what are legitimate ways to express displeasure or anger without injuring others or themselves. They must re-empower themselves to say no to relationships they do not want and that are not good for them, no to demands that they are not able to handle. They must rehabilitate their ability to trust, to feel and share their feelings, to self disclose and establish intimate relations. They must reestablish their ability to think for themselves, and to make their own decisions, confusing and scary as that might be. They must re-own a coherent and meaningful set of moral values by which to govern their lives, and to take responsibility for their behavior. And finally, they must renew their connection and relationship with a Higher Power, that provides for them a sense of guidance, a roadmap, a set of principles from which they may confidently and courageously live their lives. None of this is easy. But the experience of numerous people who have survived growing up in these families, and have embarked upon a program of recovery, let us know that it is possible to regain their sanity and peace of mind, despite their painful and abusive past. We also know that if an adult who grew up in these types of families does not address these powerful and poignant issues, it is likely that he or she will unwittingly continue these patterns of abuse into a new generation. The child who is a victim of incest or molestation may go on to molest his or her own children. The victim of physical violence may beat or neglect his or her own children.

The child of an alcoholic or drug addict may become chemically addicted him or herself, at a rate up to four times that of the population who did not grow up in these families. The child of an authoritarian parent may perpetuate the cycle of tyranny, passing on intolerant and repressive values to his or her children. This familial transmission does not stop unless we break the pattern, and find a way to heal the wounds that have been inflicted upon us, and resolve that we will not repeat the past: not in our lives, not in our children's lives. Behavior patterns Dysfunctional family members have common symptoms and behavior patterns as a result of their common experiences within the family structure. ~ This tends to reinforce the dysfunctional behavior, either through enabling or perpetuation. ~ The family unit can be affected by a variety of factors. According to Steven Farmer, the author of Adult Children of Abusive Parents, there are several symptoms of family dysfunction:
1.

2. 3.
4.

5. 6. 7. 8.

Denial (i.e. a refusal to acknowledge the alcoholism of a parent; ignoring complaints of sexual abuse) Inconsistency and Unpredictability Lack of Empathy toward family members Lack of clear boundaries (i.e. throwing away personal possessions that belong to others, inappropriate touching, etc.) Role reversals ("parentifying" children) Closed family system" (a socially isolated family that discourages relationships with outsiders) Mixed Messages Extremes in Conflict (either too much or too little fighting between family members)

Dr. Dan Neuharth, author of If You Had Controlling Parents also expounds on dysfunctional families. (He uses the terms "controlling parents", "unhealthy control" and "over control" throughout his book.) He cites eight signs of unhealthy parenting: 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. Conditional love Disrespect Stifled speech (children not allowed to dissent or question authority) Emotional intolerance (family members not allowed to express the "wrong" emotions) Ridicule

6. Dogmatic or chaotic parenting" (harsh and inflexible discipline) 7. Denial of an Inner Life (children are not allowed to develop their own value system) 8. Social dyfunction or isolation Neuharth also lists eight diferent parenting styles which cause family dysfunction: 1. Smothering (parents do not allow their children to maintain a separate identity) 2. Using (destructively narcissistic parents) 3. Abusing (parents who use physical, verbal, or sexual violence to dominate their children) 4. Chaotic (unstable parents who behave in a wildly inconsistent manner with their kids)
5.

Perfectionistic (parents who "fixate on order, prestige, power, and/or perfect appearances".)

6. Cultlike (parents who feel uncertain and "raise their children according to rigid rules and roles".) 7. Depriving (parents who control by withholding love, money, praise, attention, or anything else their child needs or wants.)
8.

Childlike (parents who parentify their children. ~ They tend to be needy and incompetent. Usually allow the other parent to abuse children.)

A Biblical Perspective Moses writes in Exodus 20:5-6, "For I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Much is said about children being under the curse of their parents' sin. Children are not responsible for their parents' sin. There are scriptures that clearly support this fact. "Fathers shall not be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their fathers; each is to die for his own sin" (Deuteronomy 24:16). "The soul who sins is the one who will die. The son will not share the guilt of the father, nor will the father share the guilt of the son" (Ezekiel 18:20). Notice again in Exodus 20:6, "but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Our focus should be on this part of the so called "generational curse" in these verses. In a court case it was stated, "There are no illegitimate children, only illegitimate parents." Children often grow up to be dysfunctional in their lifestyles when their parents were that type of role model. "If we, as parents, live sinful and psychologically unhealthy lives, there will be a profound effect upon our children, grandchildren, and perhaps other descendants as well. God is not punishing our offspring for our sins, we are, by not living the right way" (Meier, Ratcliff, and Rowe, 45). In 2 Chronicles 33-35, there is a narrative of hand-me-down behaviors and a stop to this trap. Josiah was raised in what is called today a dysfunctional family. His grandfather, Manasseh, was

a very wicked king. His influence harmed many people. "But Manasseh led Judah and the people of Jerusalem astray, so that they did more evil than the nations the LORD had destroyed before the Israelites" (33:9). Amon was Josiah's father. Amon continued in his father's ways. "He did evil in the eyes of the LORD, as his father Manasseh had done. Amon worshiped and offered sacrifices to all the idols Mannasseh had made" (33:22). He was assassinated by his own officials, and Josiah became king at the age of eight. Josiah did not follow the example that had been established by his father and grandfather but chose another direction for his life. He focused on "what was right in the eyes of the LORD and walked in the ways of his father David, not turning aside to the right or to the left" (34:2). He focused on the future instead of wallowing in the past. While he was still young, Josiah went directly to God for direction. "In the eighth year of his reign, while he was still young, he began to seek the God of his father David" (34:3). He put action to his prayers by purging Judah and Jerusalem of false gods. He had the Baal alters destroyed and smashed the Asherah poles and idols. Instead of feeling sorry for himself and blaming his state of condition on the lack of funding by the Judean government, he assumed responsibility as evidenced by his action. As in any society, when Josiah sought God and became responsible, his heart was drawn to the temple of God. The temple had been neglected, so he gave instructions to have it repaired. Money was given, and the workers were organized and worked faithfully. As they were working one day, "Hilkiah said to Shaphan the secretary, 'I have found the Book of the Law in the temple of the LORD' " (34:15). When Josiah received the book from Shaphan, he repented and saw that his father had not kept the word of the LORD and had "not acted in accordance with all that is written in this book" (34:21). He immediately placed a priority on God's Word as the sole authority and proclaimed it to the people both small and great. He read in their hearing all the words of the Book of the Covenant, which had been found in the temple of the LORD. The king stood by his pillar and renewed the covenant in the presence of the LORD-to follow the LORD and keep his commands, regulations and decrees with all his heart and all his soul, and to obey the words of the covenant written in the book (34:30-31). The chain of hand-me-downs was broken in Josiah's life. His influence brought about a turn in the lives of the people throughout his entire life. "As long as he lived, they did not fail to follow the LORD, the God of their fathers" (34:33). Hand-me-downs are also discussed in the New Testament. "Many have undertaken to draw up an account of the things that have been fulfilled among us, just as they were handed down to us by those who from the first were eyewitnesses and servants of the word" (Luke 1:1-2). God's Word and influence can be handed down to the next generation. However, unhealthy paradigms can be handed down also. Peter described them as "the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers" (1 Peter 1:18). Futile behavior patterns, traditions, and lifestyles are often handed down from generation to generation.

There is hope for sons and daughters who have been handed down dysfunctional pain. First, God is fair. Our Father "judges each man's work impartially" (1 Peter 1:17). Children reared by an abusive or neglectful father often have an incorrect view of God, picturing Him as their earthly father. The good news is our Heavenly Father is perfect and fair. However, God's impartiality does not take away our personal responsibility. Although we may be influenced by genetic inheritance and social surroundings, this does not negate our personal responsibility to God. We can choose life or death, good or evil. When one chooses futile behaviors, he or she can be led into enslavement. Paul asked, "Don't you know that when you offer yourselves to someone to obey him as slaves, you are slaves to the one whom you obey-whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness?" (Romans 6:16). In his book, Daniel Speaks Today, Myer Pearlman said concerning sin, "A man is free to begin, but is not always free to quit" (54). Second, Christ offers release from enslaving hand-me-downs. This comes "not with perishable things such as silver or gold . . . but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect" (1 Peter 1:18-19). Christ paid the payment of this release with His precious blood. Jesus said, "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" (John 8:36). Third, Jesus knows each of us personally. Before the world began, God had a plan for your release from hand-me-downs. "He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last time for your sake" (1 Peter 1:20). You are more than a number on a computer screen or just another name in a counselor's appointment book. Jesus knows who you are, and He knows your family tree. Fourth, God will help you walk in His behavior patterns. "Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for your brothers, love one another deeply, from the heart" (1 Peter 1:22). As we believe and obey God's truth, a cleansing power will help us develop godly behavior patterns. It is interesting to trace our family tree and even do generational behavior studies; however, freedom comes first by being "born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God" (1 Peter 1:23). To live a life free from enslaving hand-medowns, it is imperative to walk out God's behavior patterns. A person who receives Christ as Savior should immediately start a discipleship program to deal with hand-me-downs. Some people who have been saved for years still carry the baggage of hand-me-downs. They also need discipleship. God has boundaries that, when observed, bring His love and blessings. "Stay always within the boundaries where God's love can reach and bless you" (Jude 21, TLB). Christ-centered support groups which provide both support and accountability can help people who struggle with hand-me-downs. The focus should be on Christ, and the curriculum should emphasize biblical principles of behavior. Confession has its place, but without faith in Christ,

one will walk away empty. Paul said, "They must turn to God in repentance and have faith in our Lord Jesus" (Acts 20:21). The grip of dysfunctional hand-me-downs can be broken. "The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of the Lord stands forever" (1 Peter 1:24-25). References Briere, J.(1984) "The long term effects of child sexual abuse: defining a post-sexual-abuse syndrome." Paper presented at the 3rd National Conference on Sexual Victimization of Children, Wahington, D.C., Brophy, B. (1995). Probing Family Harmony. U.S. News and World Report, 119(20). Retrieved 2006 Feb 8, from Academic Search Premier database (00415537). Cermack, Timmen L (1989). Diagnosing and Treating Co-Dependence. 1986. Minneapolis, MN: The Johnson Institute. Pages 55-58.Quoted from Beattie, Melody. Beyond Codependency. New York: Harper/Hazelden Books. Coontz, S. (2004). What We Really Miss About the 1950s. In Colombo, G., Cullen R., & Lisle B., (Ed.) Rereading America (p.31-47). Boston, New York: Bedford/St. Martinas. Dr. Janet Kizziar's class, "Counseling Survivors of Dysfunctional Families," presented at the University of California, Riverside, 1/21/89 Finkelhor, D., Araji, S., Baron, L., Peters, S. D., and Wyatt, G. E (1986). A Sourcebook on Child Sexual Abuse. Beverly Hills, CA: Sage Publications. Forward, S. (1989). Toxic parents: Overcoming their hurtful legacy and reclaiming your life. New York: Bantam Books. Herman, J. L. and Hirschman, L. Father Daughter Incest (1981). Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. Ibid, page 56. Ibid, page 57. Ibid, page 57-58. Ibid. Page 55. Marshall, A. (2003 Sept 20). Psychobabble. The United Kingdom Times, p10 Body & Soul. Retrieved 2006 Feb 8, from Newspaper Source Database.

Matte, A. (2002 June 13). A Model Family. Toronto Star, p. A.33. Retrieved 2006 Feb 8, from Newspaper Source Database. Soto, G. (2004). Looking for Work. In Colombo, G., Cullen R., & Lisle B., (Ed.) Rereading America (p.28-30). Boston, New York: Bedford/St. Martinas. Vannicelli, M. (1989). Group psychotherapy with adult children of alcoholics: treatment techniques and countertransference. New York: Guilford Press. Wegscheider, Sharon (1981). Another Chance: Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family. Palo Alto, CA: Science and Behavior Books. Pages 85-88. Woititz, Janet G (1990). Adult Children of Alcoholics. Dearfield Beach, FL: Health Communications, Inc.