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John J.

OMalley Experience Health Worker US Peace Corps Volunteer Niuui Hospital, Haapai, Tonga 2009-2011

Acted as de-facto school nurse when students didnt feel like going to the hospital Provided dental advice for a family who approached me with a son who knocked out his incisors playing on a rope swing (which was get to the fucking hospital!) Encouraged the island groups youth to have orgiastic pre-marital sex (not really, but thats what the Wesleyans think I did) Dispelled infertility myths such as: my wife isnt getting pregnant because she washes her hands with cold water; and pregnancy myths like: you cant get pregnant the first time, and if you dont have a condom you can use a Doritos bag. 2009-2011

Secondary School Teacher US Peace Corps Volunteer Tailulu College, Haapai, Tonga Skills

Modified lessons to any length from 10 minutes to 1 hour with last-minute notice. Taught about microscopes without using a microscope, taught about magnets without having magnets, dissected a rat for biology class when it was the only mammal I could acquire. Taught my fellow teachers how to use Ctrl x to cut and Ctrl v to paste. Bribed my students with candy to get higher test scores. Gave garden weeding and watering duty as punishment for not doing homework

Computer GENIUS since I know how to write an email and reset the printer cartridge Professional photographer since I have a big camera Culinary Master since I dont cut my cake with flour to make it feed more people Can husk a coconut in under a minute Can survive on fish Ive caught myself and on vegetables Ive grown myself Can read Can discover and remove a cockroach thats on my body without freaking out (too much) Knows which store in Haapai sells the best quality $2 cans of peanuts Can appreciate any beer or wine no matter what the quality Accomplishments Didnt lose or break my Smith sunglasses in 2 years Avoided soiling myself while in Peace Corps (which most volunteers cant say) Defeated a hideous thumb infection that immobilize my hand for a week Avoided pissing off the Peace Corps blog sensors until my last month of service Survived a diet coke drought. Lost 20 pounds in my first four months

Languages Tongan advanced enough for dirty talk with the kava men & for flirting with the hospital nurses Chinese just enough to say hello to the swarm of Chinese storekeepers in Tonga. Russian did absolutely nothing for me in Tonga

Training Emergency Preparedness Seminar 2010 Learned from Tongans to identify when a tsunami is approaching (when the horses rear and gallop) and when an earthquake is about to hit (when the bees disappear).