Living The Life of A Miracle

Living the Life of a Miracle
Finding Gods grace during a deep trial
JAMES MEAD
Living the Life of a Miracle. Copyright 2011 by James Mead. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission from the author, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. ISBN: 978-0-9831961-1-2 Published and printed in the United States of America by The Write Place. Cover and interior design by Alexis Thomas, The Write Place. For more information, please contact: The Write Place 709 Main Street, Suite 2 Pella, Iowa 50219 www.thewriteplace.biz
Copies of this book may be ordered from The Write Place online at www.thewriteplace.biz/bookplace
Article on page 64 used with the permission of the editor of the Knoxville Journal-Express.
James Mead
Dedication
here are so many people that have encouraged me during this process. The doctors and nurses at the VA hospital and at Iowa Methodist Hospital that, in truth, saved my life, cannot be thanked enough. The neurosurgeon who operated, even though he had never seen such a case and did not know how exactly to proceed, the neurologist who was able to recognize my stroke in time to save my life, the intensive care nurses who took good care of me (and my family), and the physical therapists who guided me through the process all need to be recognized for their dedication and care. My church family; words cannot express how grateful I am to be associated with such a generous church. During the time when I was in the hospital, the church communicated very clearly to my family that they would be cared for. They were not to worry about my salary, my vacation, or other problems; their job at this time was to worry about me, not my paycheck. Thank you!!! However, not only in Knoxville but throughout the country, various churches prayed for my recovery, visited the hospital, and cared for my family in a way that can never be repaid. I am absolutely humbled when I think of the numbers of people that directly impacted my family during this time. To my colleagues who visited me with regularity during my hospital stay (to the extent that the nurses began wondering about me because so many pastors stopped in): your care and concern for my well-being means the world to me. Skip Hansen and Sue Shaw, who took special interest in my condition and updated other churches around the state and the nation: thanks. And to my family: God only knows how this impacted your lives and the internal struggles that you have been faced with from day to day. My
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parents and brothers drove several hundred miles to be with someone who would only vaguely remember it later; I cannot say enough what it means to me that you were there when I needed you. My children never stopped believing that God would not take their Daddy away from them; they challenged me to keep trying even when it was hard. Even now, my children constantly remind me to stop what I am doing, to slow down; they can see when I am physically tired. And to my wife, Laura, who never stopped loving me, even though there were days when I was very unlovable. Throughout the depression, the mood problems, the physical limitations, and the emotional volatility, she was always there when I needed her. Without her help and support I do not believe I would have been able to do what I did. There has never been a moment when she visibly lost her faith in a loving God; even if things did not work out the way she wanted, she always trusted God. I love you and appreciate you more than you know. But most of all, I want to dedicate this work to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, without whom this book would be unnecessary. Not only was I able to survive a surgery and overcome overwhelming odds, but I was able to overcome the most debilitating illness of all: the separation from God that I triumphed over simply by trusting in Jesus Christ and putting all my faith in Him and believing that He is all-sufficient for me and for my needs. I am grateful for my life that was spared; but I am eternally grateful for the salvation that has been offered through His shed blood.
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Contents
Dedication _____________________________________________ iii Contents________________________________________________v Foreword ______________________________________________vii Preface ________________________________________________ ix PART I: This is Me _______________________________________13 CHAPTER 1: A little background _________________________15 CHAPTER 2: An interesting series of events________________21 CHAPTER 3: A surprising change ________________________25 CHAPTER 4: Uh oh ___________________________________29 CHAPTER 5: A miraculous recovery ______________________35 CHAPTER 6: Some things to ponder ______________________39 PART II: What is it Like?___________________________________57 CHAPTER 7: Im sorry, this cant really be happening ________59 CHAPTER 8: Starting to adjust to my new life ______________73 CHAPTER 9: A minor setback ___________________________79 Chapter 10: Moving on ________________________________85 CHAPTER 11: My new life _____________________________91 APPENDIX 1: Doctor notes _________________________________99 APPENDIX 2: The diagnoses from various doctor visits __________ 103 APPENDIX 3: I am in the middle of a crisis, what now? _________105 APPENDIX 4: Lauras thoughts ____________________________107 APPENDIX 5: Requests for prayers _________________________115
James Mead
Foreword
here is no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities for God to do something. It depends on how you look at it. If I had a dime for every time I have sat with someone swimming in the depths of defeat, overcome by fathoms of despair, and treading in what seems to be the last few seconds of their very breathI would be a very rich man. And yet, the difference at these times between great gain and great loss is not what happens physically. The greatest indicator sometimes on the telling dial of our life is what we carry away from these tough times. Life hits everyone hard sooner or later. The question is, Will I go to God and tell him how big my problems are? Or, Will I look at my problems and tell them how BIG my God is? Jim and his family have chosen the latter. Be prepared to walk through the real life processes of a family struck by an unexpected blow at a seemingly out of season time. But then again, thats when hardships always strike. Their timing usually makes no sense. Yet, delivered through the permissive hands of One much wiser, our greatest pains can become our greatest triumphs. Someone said, God never wastes a hurt if well let Him write His story with it. Someone else said, God never uses a man greatly until he hurts him deeply. God, in His wisdom, has done His part and now Jim is having the privilege of living out his. As you read this storyline, try to put yourself in their shoes. Learn what you can from their struggles, their challenges, and their laughter and tears. For in the end, we will all write our own story. I trust God will use their example to help us all be better penmen. Sincerely, Pastor Rick Groover
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James Mead
Preface
nfortunately, the word miracle is thrown around very loosely: it was a miracle that the New York Giants won the Super Bowl in 2008, it was a miracle the University of Northern Iowa beat Kansas University during March Madness in 2010, and it was a miracle that the Texas Rangers beat the New York Yankees in the American League Championship Series in 2010. When the American hockey team defeated the Soviet hockey team in the 1980 Winter Olympics, it was called the Miracle on Ice. Miracles, apparently, happen on a daily basis in insignificant arenas; so, when someone experiences a bona fide touch from God, it is no wonder that the word miracle seems shallow. However, I believe that I experienced a true miracle from God. On December 8, 2008, I suffered a massive stroke. Surgery was not performed until December 10, some forty hours after my initial stroke, revealing severe damage to my cerebellum and brain stem. I underwent a decompressive cerebellar evacuation and craniotomy; the MRI after the surgery revealed that a large portion of my cerebellum had been removed and two strokes were visible in my brain stem. When I suffered my stroke in December 2008, there was little hope given for any recovery. According to the surgeon, there was a small chance of surviving the surgery; if I survived the surgery, less than a thirty percent chance existed of waking up, and a zero percent chance of experiencing a meaningful recovery. Dr. Piper, the neurosurgeon who performed my surgery, told my family that surgery was merely an attempt to save my life; it would not reverse the impact of the stroke. They were told to anticipate a long recovery involving no less than one year of inpatient physical therapy and rehabilitation just to relearn how
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to walk; and they were given the prognosis that I could be in outpatient physical therapy and rehabilitation for up to two years as I tried to learn to walk normally. The neurologist suggested that I may never walk again, never feed myself, never communicate. In short, I might live life like an infantable to take in information and process the information, but not able to use the information or to communicate my needs. In other words, it was a dark, hopeless prognosis. When I was asked what I believed about my future, I simply responded that it did not matter what happened to me: God was still good. Regardless of whether I ever regained the ability to write or walk, my circumstances did not impact Gods good nature. He was still good, even if my outlook was bleak. With that in mind, I began physical therapy on December 29, 2008. What followed was nothing short of miraculous; after a mere three days of inpatient physical therapy, I was released from the hospital. I required no outpatient physical therapy, and less than one month after my stroke, I was back at work. What is contained in the pages of this book is a chronicle of my life prior to my stroke, the stroke and subsequent surgery, and a snippet of my blog over the last few years. My prayer is that you will be enlightened, a little more, to the mysterious ways in which God works in our lives, and get a snapshot into the mind of a stroke survivor.

Finding Gods grace during a deep trial
PART I
This Is Me
CHAPTER 1
A little background
History must be written of, by and for the survivors.

ANONYMOUS
hen I sat down to write this book about one event in my life, I realized it was necessary, though hard, to give some background and some of the circumstances that led up to my crisis. Why was this situation such a shock? The miracle of life is the center of attention; but many times the history is forgotten. As I look at my history, there is nothing that would point to an impending stroke: I was not physically abused, I was not overweight, I did not have out-of-control blood pressure, my cholesterol was well within safe limits, and I was very healthy. I had spent five years in the army doing physical training every daypush-ups, sit-ups, running two to five miles, and doing physical fitness training. Really, I had always been an exercise nut. When I was a kid my parents always knew where to look for me: I was usually at the playground at my school playing basketball. More recently, I had spent most of my mornings at the local recreation center playing basketball, lifting weights, and running on the treadmill. That is not to say
that I was the poster-boy for good nutrition, but I was not unhealthy. I had done everything possible to stay in good shape. Let me back up a little bit to give a more complete picture of where I was and the reason this event was such a shock to so many people. My dad had been a pastor from the time I was eight years old; I did not spend my childhood moving around like some people do. We had only lived in two places (that I can remember): we lived in Montevideo, Minnesota, where my dad was involved in evangelism and led music for Calvary Baptist Church, and then, in 1979 when I was eight years old, we moved to Gering, Nebraska, where my dad served as the pastor of Gering Baptist Church. I can remember going to Gering Valley Country School, McKinley Elementary, Gering Junior High School, and then graduating from Gering High School in 1989. It was, really, a very stable and enjoyable life. I have three brothers, all of who did their best to make sure I remembered that I was the youngest. (At one point my dad just stopped fixing the holes from where we would wrestle and bust through the wall.) When we gather for holidays or family reunions now, well, it is just a brotherly lovefest, but I thought for a long time that they thought of me more as a bother than as a brother. Other than that, I really had, for all intents and purposes, a relatively boring upbringing. There were Christmas plays, church choir concerts, speech team contests, and high school musicals; I worked at Schwanns, Country Kitchen, and Bonanza (and for a little while at the Platte Valley Truck Wash cleaning out cattle trailersTHAT was a dirty job); but there was nothing that really stood out about my early life. I was, basically, a loner. I had some good friends and I had a good time in high school, but I did not do anything that would leave an impression on future generations. In 1989, after I graduated from high school, I entered the army and was trained as a Russian linguist and signals intelligence analyst. I had done basic training at Fort Dix, New Jersey, and then spent the next forty-seven weeks immersed in Russian culture at the Defense Language Institute in
That is not to say that I was the poster-boy for good nutrition, but I was not unhealthy.
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Monterey, California; I learned the language, I studied the habits of the Russian people, and I learned as much as I could about their military. (At one point I spoke Russian so well that a new instructor who heard me talking mistook me for another instructor.) After language school I went to the Goodfellow Air Force Base in San Angelo, Texas, to study to be a signals intelligence analyst. I arrived in Texas in August of 1990 and graduated in April of 1991. In 1991, while I was in the military between assignments, I married my high school sweetheart. I met Laura when I was in 9th grade; we began dating when I was a junior in high school and married four years later when she was a senior in high school and I was on In 1991, while my way to Germany in the military. We had planned our wedding date for October 1992 I was in the (eighteen months after Lauras graduation); but military between things took an interesting twist. I was originally assignments, I scheduled to graduate from intelligence school married my high on February 7, 1991, with my first duty station school sweetheart. at Fort Drum, New York; that would keep me close enough to Laura to allow a 1992 wedding. However, I was medically unable to continue with my training class (they thought I was having some problem with my appendix so they had me sit out class in case it happened to flare up; it never did, but I was still unable to complete school with my original class) and I actually graduated on April 4, 1991. By then I had new orders, orders sending me to Augsburg, Germany. So, we had a decision to make: we could get married before I left for Germany, or we could wait until I returned in 1993. (I have told people that Laura begged me to marry her before I left because she could not stand the separation; truthfully it was the other way around.) So, on March 13, 1991, we planned the marriage for a month later. We had been married for exactly six days when I left on April 19 for my duty station in Augsburg; Laura did not arrive until June 26, after she had graduated high school and I had secured a place to live in Germany. On June 30, 1992, my son was born in Germany. (That is a story in itself, but suffice it to say that he was born on German soil, in a German
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hospital, because the military hospital had closed. Therefore he is a German citizen and an American citizenI know, it is pretty stupid since I was in the military, but, oh well.) My wife was struggling with preeclampsia, so Brendan was born five weeks premature via Cesarean section and had to be in the hospital for several days after birth. Due to his early birth and other factors, his lungs were not very strong and he struggled with asthma for the first few years of his life. As a result of those health problems, and there being no military hospital in Germany, my young family went back, in December 1992, to Gering, Nebraska, to live with my parents and to be nearer military hospitals. It was not until April 1993 that I was granted a compassionate reassignment to Fort Carson, Colorado. In April 1993, we moved to Colorado Springs, Colorado, where I served at Fort Carson. Although I had done my training in strategic intelligence, I was placed in a field unit as a field intelligence analyst with the 2nd battalion, 12th infantry regiment S-2. Though I was never in a combat zone, I served during a stressful time in our country. I was in Texas when Operation Desert Storm began (and ended); I was in Germany when the Soviet Union began its breakup; and I was witness to the fighting in the Balkans, the war in Yugoslavia, and the strife in the Czech Republic. I guess it is more than a coincidence, then, that I was flagged for high blood pressure several times during my service in the military. However, even though it was a little elevated, it was not out of control. I started my ministry life at First Baptist Church of Peaceful Valley in April 1993, while still in the army. I worked with the pastor, led the youth group, worked with the choir, preached when the pastor was gone; pretty much anything I could do to gain as much experience as possible. I ended my enlistment in 1994 and had considered buying a home, starting a new church, and settling in Colorado Springs, but in April 1995, we felt the Lord calling us to leave our home in Colorado to enroll in Bible College at Trinity Baptist College in Jacksonville, Florida. We really enjoyed our time in Florida; Bible College was hard and I had to attend college full time as well as work nearly full time (though it was part time I was expected to work until the job was donesometimes six or seven hours a day at UPS). But, I was afforded the opportunity to see
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poverty first hand as I worked in the bus ministry and at the Trinity Rescue Mission, a place for the homeless to find temporary shelter, in inner-city Jacksonville. It was very difficult, but a valuable experience in ministry. It was during this time that my oldest daughter was born. Once again, my wife had struggled with preeclampsia and had found herself in the hospital. This time, however, the condition worsened and Shaylee was born two and one-half months premature and also had to be born by Cesarean section. After her birth, Shaylee had to spend twenty-five days in the hospital. She, too, struggled with asthma as a result of her early birth. (No one would guess it today, though; she is active in softball, volleyball, band, and other school activities.) During that time, however, I was able to continue my ministry life; I was asked to be associate pastor of Central Baptist Church in Orange Park, Florida. I really learned a lot during those early times of service and can trace my current life experiences all the way back to that little church in Orange Park. That experience led to a life-changing moment for me; I had been in ministry part time as well as working part time at UPS. While I was gaining experience at Central Baptist Church, God was preparing me to begin serving the church full time. I graduated from Trinity Baptist College with a BA in church ministries in May 1999, and later that month was contacted by Grace Baptist Church in Zachary, Louisiana, to consider coming to their church as a fulltime minister of youth, music, and education. My family and I visited the church in Louisiana and decided, after much prayer and discussion, that if the church wanted us to come, we would be willing to move to Zachary. This, again, would prove to be a life-changing experience for me. After two pregnancies that had ended with preeclampsia and Cesarean sections, it was only natural to be a little nervous about future pregnancies; but in July of 2000, my wife announced that she was, again, expecting. Madelyn was born March 8, 2001 by, you guessed it, Cesarean section. This
We really enjoyed our time in FloridaI was afforded the opportunity to see poverty first hand as I worked in the bus ministry and at the Trinity Rescue Mission.
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time, though, my wife did not struggle with preOur family eclampsia and Madelyn was our first full-term child. complete, we This proved to be a pivotal time in our life because, began to change although Laura did not struggle with preeclampsia our focus to longand Madelyn was not born premature, we had talked term plans. things over with our doctors and had come to the conclusion that Madelyn would need to be our caboose. Our family complete, we began to change our focus to long-term plans. With that in mind, I began contemplating the possibility of changing my focus from associate pastor to senior pastor of a church. More stability and more reliability. Although we loved the Christian school and the work with the youth in Louisiana, in June 2002, we again moved, this time to Iowa. I had accepted the position of senior pastor at First Baptist Church in Stratford, Iowa. Stratford is a very little town that has, as its own moniker, a tiny little village. However, we found that this tiny little village had great possibilities for ministry and we did our best to find those possibilities. I truly believed that I would retire from this church; my family loved the area, the people of the town (I mean village) were great, and the church was friendly and very receptive to the idea of new ministries. We had seen so many great things happen in this small community of 700 or so. We were able to witness the growth of that church from an average Sunday attendance of about 65 to about 150 in less than 5 years; we saw a Wednesday night program go from a dream to a reality, ministering to over 60 children each week; and we saw the church expand its outreach by hiring a youth pastor. These were very exciting times in our family, in our church, and in our faith. But, as often happens in life, things would take an unexpected course.
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CHAPTER 2
An interesting series of events
I am so glad that nothing in our lives ever takes God by surprise.

DR. GENE WOODS
o, we found ourselves in Stratford, Iowa, a quaint little village with a rich history and strong family ties. We absolutely loved our life there. Living as a pastor in small-town Iowa carries with it the connotation of being a community leader. (In 2003 I was told I received the largest number of write-in votes for mayor in Stratford; though I never agreed to be a candidate, did not campaign, and did not actively seek any public position, people voted for me anyway.) Though life was good, things would take On November 12, an interesting twist in 2005. As difficult as the 2005, Stratford situation would be, we would later learn that it apexperienced peared to be in the Lords plan, but that did not make it any easier to endure. On November 12, something that would forever change the 2005, Stratford experienced something that would landscape of forever change the landscape of the village, and our lives. would forever change the landscape of our lives.
It was just a normal Saturday; we ran into town (over a thirty-mile drive), spent the day in some of the stores in Fort Dodge, and returned in the early afternoon. We noticed that the temperature was very warm for November, and there were storm clouds in the distance. It did not appear to be anything out of the ordinary, so, we ignored it. When we arrived home, we did our normal activities: we unloaded our groceries, we checked our phone messages, and we had our son take the dog outside. He came inside and told us that Carly (our dog) was acting a little strange. We did what any sensible parent would do: we said that Brendan was imagining things and he should take the dog outside until she did her business. After that, things began to happen very quickly; we saw on the news that we were under a tornado watch (in November, sure, we ignored it). But we agreed that our younger kids should go to the basement. We continued watching the weather reports and decided, at some point, we, too, needed to go to the basement to ride out the storm. My wife and I had to go upstairs because the Schwanns A tornado was salesman was at our door; we invited him to wait passing less than inside until the storm passed, but he said that he one hundred feet had one more stop to make just up the road and from our house. he would stay at that house. Then we noticed We were able something strange: the leaves were moving in one to see it pass direction, but they were not blowing around on the through the city ground; they were several feet in the air! So we park and continue hurried to the basement again and waited for what on its path. we knew was coming. When I looked out one of the windows, I remember telling my wife, Come look at this. A tornado was passing less than one hundred feet from our house. We were able to see it pass through the city park and continue on its path. When the house stopped shaking, we looked out our window and saw what can only be described as total destruction: our neighbors house was completely destroyed, there were several trees on top of our friends house across the street, the tornado had torn the roofs off of several homes around us, and one lady had lost her life. Several people in our church had
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experienced severe damage to their homes and lives. Visiting missionaries had windows completely blown out in their van, and most of their belongings were destroyed. In short, it was a complete disaster area; yet our house was completely intact and nearly untouched. (There were a few shingles that needed to be replaced, but that was all!) The church spent the next few weeks cleaning up property and helping friends rebuild and restart lives. Other churches, charitable groups, and mission agencies gathered from all over the state of Iowa to assist the rebuilding projects. The devastation caused by the tornado really made my family wonder if, perhaps, we should look into some life insurance. Two weeks later, we would make up our minds for certain. We had spent the Thanksgiving holiday with After our my parents and family in western Nebraska. We had experience just been home for a few days and were wavering between a few weeks leaving Saturday or Sunday. If we stayed for Sunday before, we felt a morning, we would want to spend the morning in little peace and church, reconnecting with old friends and enjoying quiet was badly the quiet time; after our experience just a few weeks needed. before, we felt a little peace and quiet was badly needed. We decided to watch the news to see if bad weather was predicted for either Saturday or Sunday; that would be a deciding factor in our decision. The latest weather reports indicated that there was a chance of rain on Sunday and it would be spotty, but it would be relatively warm. Because no bad weather was predicted, we decided to stay for church on Sunday and then leave after church. We had pretty good roads and fair conditions for the first one hundred miles or so of the trip; but when we neared North Platte, Nebraska, the snow started to fly. At first, there were just flurries, so we pressed on, hoping to make it to Kearney, where we could spend the night. As we left North Platte, the snow began to intensify. It continued to worsen and at some point, we were experiencing blizzard, white-out conditions. Traffic on Interstate 80 was reduced to ten to fifteen mph. At one point, we were following a semi-truck and could not see his tail-lightsfrom less than ten
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feet! So, we were forced to leave the interstate and found ourselves in Cozad, Nebraska. (I have often joked, since then, that in the dictionary, under nowhere, it displays a picture of the Cozad water tower.) For the next few days and nights we were huddled with a few hundred other travelers in an emergency shelter at the United Methodist Church in Cozad. How in the world the weather went from a chance of spotty showers and warm temperatures to one of the worst November blizzards in the last forty years in that part of Nebraska, I will never know. But that was the case, and we again found ourselves in less-than-desirable circumstances. We were known as the emergency family: we survived a tornado on November 12, and then we found ourselves in an emergency shelter during a blizzard on November 27. What we did Needless to say, when we got back to Stratnot know then ford, we set up some appointments with our insurance agent to arrange to get life insurance. What we was that I would have a stroke did not know then was that I would have a stroke three years later, rendering me uninsurable; so even three years later, though the tornado and the blizzard were bad situarendering me tions, they actually wound up being used for good! uninsurable.
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CHAPTER 3
A surprising change
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him.
JAMES 1:5
April 29, 2007
Dear First Baptist Church family: Many times in our lives God allows situations to begin preparing us for a change in ministry. Such was the case in July of 2001 when I received a call from Berean Bible Church of Fort Scott, Kansas, asking if I would consider coming to candidate to be their pastor. Though I ultimately turned down their offer, it began preparing me to receive a call in October of 2001 from Tim Anderlik asking if I would consider moving my family from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to this place called Stratford, Iowa, to assume the senior pastorate of First Baptist Church. We all know how that turned out. My time at First Baptist is cherished. We have many successes. There have been many souls that have come to Christ and expressed their faith through baptism.
The AWANA program is a beacon of Christs love to children throughout this area. Prayer and Bible study is a mainstay of this ministry because God is its guiding force. I believe that First Baptists best days remain ahead of her, as Gods people remain faithful to their calling. My family and I have a wonderful life in Stratford; but in June of 2006, the Lord began again to prepare my heart for a transition in ministry. With the first contact from Trinity Baptist Church of Santa Barbara, California, and over the past ten months, several opportunities have presented themselves, and yet, the peace of God was not present in my heart with any of them. I ultimately ended conversations with each church that had contacted me. However, in December of 2006, I received a letter from New Covenant Church in Knoxville, Iowa, asking me to consider a transition in ministry. When this opportunity presented itself, I struggled with a range of emotions; yet, I found peace within my heart. I received this counsel from my dad, who has faced this kind of decision many times. He said, Jim, you cannot allow your emotions to make this decision for you. You have to make this decision based upon what you believe the Lord is leading you to do, and then trust that it is right. So, I am following Gods leading, even though it is not an easy transition to make. I wish I could convey to you the difficulty my family has had in making this decision. I appreciate this church for the love they have demonstrated and the support they have given these past five years. Please know that I had not been in an active search process; rather, circumstances presented themselves in a way that indicated that our Lord may be preparing my family for a ministry elsewhere. The reason for pursuing this possibility was motivated by a desire to follow Gods leading, even if that leading may result in a change for my family; it would not be motivated by anything that the members of this church did or failed to do. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I announce my resignation as senior pastor of this great church to assume the senior pastorate of New Covenant Church in Knoxville. I will assume the pastorate at New Covenant on July 1 of this year. My last service here will be June 10, allowing my family two weeks to move and get established in our new home before we begin serving there. We have had a great journey with you as we have served the Lord together for the last five years. I want you to remember that we made this journey together; I did not build this church, we built it together as the Lord has led. Never lose faith, never
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forget His leading in the past, and never abandon the desire to do more than ever before. Gods timing is always perfect, His ways are always perfect, and His leading is always perfect. Psalm 119:105 says, Thy word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. Trust God, not just to illuminate your steps, but to illuminate the path. Together with your new pastor, you will continue to build this church as you continue your journey of faith. My prayer is that the Lord will allow me to experience the same types of ministry successes in Knoxville that I have experienced in Stratford. Let me close by relaying to you the sentiments of the Search Committee at New Covenant. After our meeting there, the chairman of the committee said to me, Though we are excited about the prospect of you coming here, at the same time we feel sorry for your church in Stratford. We have just completed the process they are going to begin and we will be praying with them and for them as they begin their search process. Please know that this church will always hold a special place in our hearts. You have become very dear to us, and we will always consider you as part of our family. May the peace of God guide you as you now begin this new phase of your faith journey. With that, our family made a change; we followed the Lord on a new adventure as we began a ministry in Knoxville, Iowa. It was different; we were used to life in a village and now had to adjust to life in a bigger town. Knoxville is, by no means, a metropolis, but it is larger than Stratford. Some say that the population of Knoxville is 8,000; others say that it is closer to 10,000. Either way, it is significantly larger than 700! I cannot say that we, as a family or as a church, fully understood the reasons for moving to Knoxville; I was not moving closer to my family, I was not moving closer to my wifes family, and the church in Knoxville was not much larger than the church in Stratford. (In fact, per capita, it was significantly smaller) To make a long story short, it did not make sense. As I said earlier, I felt as though I could have retired from First Baptist Church;
We followed the Lord on a new adventure as we began a ministry in Knoxville, Iowa.
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they loved us, we loved them, and we really loved the town. But, when God begins doing a work in your heart, you follow, even if it does not make sense. In Knoxville we began enjoying a full life: Brendan was doing very well in school (he was active in band, jazz band, choir, chamber choir, and the school musical), Shaylee and Madelyn were both enLife was, joying school and were both involved each summer in really, very softball. We were preparing to introduce new events to good for our the church: a Family Fun Night at the recreation center during the winter, a church camping weekend and service family. in the park in the summer, and a Fall Festival, complete with chili cook-off, pumpkin decorating, and bonfire in autumn. Life was, really, very good for our family.
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CHAPTER 4
Uh oh
And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
2 CORINTHIANS 12:9
uring the next chapter of my life, the timetable begins to get fuzzy for me and I have to rely on what I have been told by others. The events of the next few weeks would change the course of my life and the lives of everyone in my family and the churches I have served. I can remember the date: December 8, 2008. It was my day off, so I spent the day just goofing around; I think I played the Wii for awhile, I took my wife to lunch, and I went to get a massagestuff I would do on any other day off. When I went to my wifes workplace later in the day, I told her that my muscles were really aching, almost like I had the flu; perhaps, I surmised, the massage had really gone deep into my muscles, making me a little sore. We just chalked it up to stress, a cold, and general sleepiness. That day was my dads birthday, as well, so I called him that evening to wish him a happy birthday. He was not home, so I talked to my brother, Dennis, for some time. I remember telling him that I did not feel too hot and
that I was just going to go home and go right to bed. I asked him if he would wish our dad a happy birthday for me, in case I could not get in touch with him later. I dont remember coming home and I dont remember going into my bedroom to lie down. A few hours later (it could have been a few minutes later, I am not really sure), my wife says she came in to have me remove my contacts before I was too far gone. When I got up to go into our bathroom, she noticed that I stumbled a few times, so she asked me what was going on. She says I told her that I must just be tired. I woke up at 4 a.m. on December 9 with a throbbing headache, probably the worst headache that I can remember. (I had been suffering with severe headaches for the last several weeks, so I woke up at 4 a.m. I was not alarmed; I know now that those were some of the signs of an impending stroke. Glad on December 9 with a I know it now) I remember feeling as though throbbing headache, the room was spinning. I told my wife that it probably the worst seemed to get a little better if I closed my eyes, headache that I can but the sensation didnt go away completely. remember. I really did not feel that I needed to go to the emergency room; but I called the 24-hour nurse to ask what she would recommend. After I talked with her for awhile, she told me to go to our local hospital, just in case something was really wrong. When I got out of bed, things really went from bad to worse. I could not keep my balance because of the spinning sensation; I was nauseous, I could not seem to make my legs work to walk, and I started vomiting. Finally my wife alerted our son (who was sixteen at the time) to help her get me to the car and to watch his sisters while we went to the hospital. We successfully made it to the car and drove to the local ER, which was just across the street from our house. I struggled, but with my wifes help I made it into the ER and they took me to one of the trauma rooms to wait for the on-call doctor. We were experiencing a pretty severe ice storm, so the doctor was delayed a short time in getting to the hospital. In the mean time, I was given some medicine for pain and blood pressure and slept until the doctor arrived.
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At some point (I really do not know Why would a thirtywhat time) it was suggested that a spinal eight-year-old man with tap be performed to rule out spinal meninno obvious swelling and gitis. A CT scan had not revealed any obvino sign of meningitis be ous swelling in my brain; but the spinal tap so lethargic and complain would decide if they needed to be worried of severe headaches about a worsening condition. The spinal and dizziness? tap did not show any meningitis, so the mystery continued: why would a thirtyeight-year-old man with no obvious swelling and no sign of meningitis be so lethargic and complain of severe headaches and dizziness? Because I did not have private insurance but was going to the VA hospital for care, I was transferred to the VA Central Iowa Health Care Hospital in Des Moines, and they, too, were baffled by my situation. My blood pressure was elevated, so it was suggested that perhaps I was suffering from some intestinal disorder and hypertensive hydrocephaly. My wife was told that perhaps I would be able to go home on Wednesday, after my blood pressure was under control and they were able to address my dizziness. I had been relatively alert (or so they tell me) to this point, talking with visitors and communicating with nurses (although I do not remember having any conversations); but Tuesday night I began to sink deeper into lethargy. Dr. Kumar, the attending physician at the VA hospital, suggested that I might be lethargic due to heavy amounts of medicine and painkillers, so he ordered a complete stop to the medicine to make sure my state was not due to the drugs. Wednesday morning, I was even more lethargic and sinking deeper into an unresponsive state. The doctors tried several different tests and medicines to attempt to diagnose my problem, but the mystery continued. It was roughly noon when Dr. Benjamin, one of the VA neurologists, was making rounds and was told by a nurse to pop into my room; I was not responding to any medicine and my condition had the other staff baffled. Dr. Benjamin came to my bedside, noticed that I was in a semi-fetal position and that I was unresponsive to any stimuli. She opened my eye31
lids, examined my eye movements, and said, Uh oh. (My wife told me later that she had a definite sinking feeling; you never want to hear a doctor say uh oh when they look at you.) Dr. Benjamin ordered an immediate CT scan. She was told that I was scheduled for an MRI at 3:45 p.m. at another local hospital. Her response was simple: he does not have until 3:45, he needs to go now. A CT scan was done within the next few minutes and an MRI was scheduled to follow shortly; Dr. Benjamin had seen the results of the CT scan and asked my wife to join her in her office. While in the elevator, Dr. Benjamin asked my wife if I had suffered any trauma to the back of my head recently. She said that she did not need to see the results of the MRI to know what was happening: I was actively stroking in my cerebellum and brain stem and would need surgery immediately to relieve the pressure in my brain. I was having a bilateral cerebellar infarction, and the swelling had caused at least two strokes in my brain stem. The cerebellum is a region of the brain that plays an important role in motor control. It is also involved in some cognitive functions such as attention and language, and probably in some emotional functions such as regulating fear and pleasure responses. Its movement-related functions are the most clearly understood, however. The cerebellum does not initiate movement, but it contributes to coordination, precision, and accurate timing. It receives input from sensory systems and from other parts of the brain and spinal cord, and integrates these inputs to fine-tune motor activity. Because of this fine-tuning function, damage to the cerebellum does not cause paralysis, but instead produces disorders in fine movement, equilibrium, posture, and motor learning. If I slipped into a coma, there would be no chance for survival. The next, obvious question in Lauras mind was this: is there any hope? Dr. Benjamin suggested that, if I slipped into a coma there would be nothing they could do, but they could do a procedure before I became comatose that would, hopefully, relieve the swelling in my brain. Normally neurology patients would be sent to Iowa City for surgery; but Laura was told that I would not survive the two-hour trip, so the surgery would have to be performed at one of the local hospitals!
She opened my eyelids, examined my eye movements, and said, Uh oh.
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Dr. Benjamin asked if Laura would like her to contact her mom or dad; she was horrified when Laura told her that her mom had passed away only a month before. So the doctor contacted my parents to inform them that their son was very ill and they needed to come as soon as possible. When asked how serious it was, she simply told my parents that if they wanted to see their son alive, they needed to leave immediately. I guess you could say that things were pretty bad. Within the hour, my parents left their home in Gering, Nebraska, to make the ten-hour trip to Knoxville, Iowa. As they were traveling to the hospital, the congregation from my church, as the news spread of my condition, began to assemble at Iowa Methodist Hospital. At one point, there were no less than sixty-five people gathered in the waiting room to hear any news about my condition. The news from the surgeon was not what they wanted to hear. Things had very rapidly gone downhill for me; the MRI revealed severe swelling in my brain, causing compression of the brain stem resulting in several brain-stem strokes. The vertebral artery had dissected (in other words, the artery had ruptured), resulting in a clot that impeded the flow of blood to the right side of my cerebellum, while the diminished blood flow from the dissected artery deprived the left side of my cerebellum of oxygen. Those two factors led the doctors to predict a very bleak future. My children were excused from school and escorted to the hospital by Lauras co-worker; my immediate family and my church family were huddled together in the surgery waiting room of Iowa Methodist Hospital, waiting for the doctor to give them some news about my prognosis. Just before surgery began, my children and my wife were accompanied by a nurse into a trauma room where I was being prepared for surgery. They were given the opportunity to spend a few minutes with me before the emergency craniotomy and cerebellar evacuation; a final few moments with their husband and dad to say their goodbyes. When Dr. Piper spoke to my family, he cautioned them about expecting too much; surgery, he explained, was nothing more than an attempt to save my life. It would not reverse the impact of the stroke. If, he stated flatly, I was unfortunate enough to live, I would be facing a life confined
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to a wheelchair or hospital bed. I would be facing the future existence of an infant: capable of absorbing information and processing it, but incapable of any type of communication. I would never feed myself, never be able to walk normally, never speak normally; in essence, I would be totally different from the man that existed before December 7! But, if Laura wanted him to proceed with the surgery, he would; if not, I would be gone in a matter of hours.
Surgery was nothing more than an attempt to save my life.
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CHAPTER 5
A miraculous recovery
There is no such thing as a problem. There are only opportunities for God to do something.
PASTOR RICK GROOVER
y family was told that I would probably be facing no less than one year of inpatient physical therapy; after nearly seventy-five percent of my cerebellum had been removed, walking was absolutely out of the question in the immediate future. I was transferred to the VA Central Iowa Health Care Hospital in Knoxville, Iowa, on December 23, 2008, for rehabilitation and therapy. I spent several days adjusting to the new environment as the therapist I started therapy made some initial observations concerning after an evaluation on my long-term outlook for therapy. December 26, 2008, I started therapy after an evaluation on with an understanding December 26, 2008, with an understanding that I would be that I would be facing at least one year of infacing at least one patient rehabilitation. Those were very hard year of inpatient days for me. I can remember struggling to rehabilitation. write my name; I struggled to walk just a few
feet; it was hard to transfer myself from my bed to the wheelchair. When I tried to walk, it was as if my legs were not responding to the promptings of my brain; they just would not cooperate. I distinctly remember my first meal in the Knoxville Rehabilitation Center; I was wheeled into the dining hall and offered a bib. I remember thinking, I dont need that; that is for people who are really sick. So, I refused and went to my meal without it. On the tray was a scrumptious meal of pureed HOT DOG. (By the way, if you have never had a meal of pureed hot dog, you just have not lived!) I lifted my plastic spoon to my mouth, and watched with horror as the entire spoonful of hot dog ended up in my lap; sure enough, I could not feed myself without help. It was a tough existence. Needless to say, the road ahead of me looked bleak; I did not even have the strength to walk around the physical therapy room. It was a struggle for me just to stand for a few minutes. I was tested for my dexterity and found that I had basically none. My speech was slurred, my thoughts were scattered, and my muscles were weak. In short, I was a mess! I can still remember my first day of real physical therapy. It was December 29 and Liz, my physical therapist, had me try to walk on a treadmill. After a few minutes (or seconds, I am not sure), she I was only given asked me if I wanted to rest. I told her that I had twenty-three hours to rest; I was only given one one hour of physical therapy hour of physical therapy a day and I was going to use every minute of it. By the end of the first day of a day and I was sessions (physical therapy, occupational therapy, and going to use every kinesiotherapy), I was able to stand, walk, and talk minute of it. more clearly. The second day, I was upgraded from a wheelchair to a walker; a small step but quite an accomplishment for me! I spent the majority of my time in therapy trying to strengthen my muscles and gain more coordination. By the end of my therapy on December 30, I was given the green light to go from a walker to a cane. When I was cleared to try walking the halls, I was nearly unstoppable; it felt so good to walkeven if I did not know where I was going, I was going to keep walking! On December 31, I did most of my occupational therapy standing up to strengthen my legs
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and I worked on getting in and out of bed, cooking oatmeal, and mastering getting into the shower. I could, quite literally, feel myself getting stronger. Later on December 31, I had a meeting to discuss my progress and it was decided that I had made significant improvement and could go home on passafter only three days of therapy. On January 1, 2009, I came home for four days on pass and was done with therapy! I was officially discharged from the rehabilitation hospital on January 6, and returned to work on January 7 (less than one month after my stroke). I returned to full-time work as a pastor, including preaching during the Sunday morning service, on January 25; it had only been one and one-half months since the emergency brain surgery that should have left me incapable of any movement. Since my recovery, I have had several follow-up appointments with the neurology team. All of the doctors have had the exact same sentiment: we have left the medical and entered the miraculous! There is absolutely no medical explanation for my recovery. I have less than thirty percent of my cerebellum working, All of the doctors have had the exact I have two visible strokes in my brain stem, and same sentiment: we the scan shows severe damage to the pons area have left the medical of my brain stem. The summary of all my doctors is this: my recovery is not simply rare, it has and entered the never happened before. It is not just that I have miraculous! recovered, it is that I have recovered so quickly and have no visible signs of a stroke: I do not have a noticeable limp, I rarely slur my words, my vision has been affected but is highly functional, and my balance problems are hidden to most. (That is not to say that those problems do not exist, just that they are not obvious.) So now I live; but, my life is changed. Now I live the life of a miracle!
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CHAPTER 6
Some things to ponder
The foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.
1 CORINTHIANS 1:25
oincidence: according to Merriam Websters Collegiate Dictionary, it means a group of concurrent events or circumstances remarkable for lack of apparent causal connections. So that plants a question in my mind: were the events that surrounded my stroke remarkable for their lack of apparent causal connections? There are several events that happened in a relatively short period of time, which taken together suggest that they were not coincidental at all, but were orchestrated in such a way that each event, combined It gives me with other events, created a perfect scenario for a great comfort to miracle. Did God orchestrate the events of my life know that the in such a way that it created this scenario? If He circumstances did, could that also mean that He wishes to do the of my life did same for others? It gives me great comfort to know not take God by that the circumstances of my life did not take God surprise. by surprise; rather, He divinely orchestrated the
events of my life for His purposes. Taken independently, all the things that happened in the last few years before I suffered my stroke would be quite simply random, but when they are interpreted as a whole the question of whether it is coincidence or not is valid. Is it mere coincidence that I moved from a church and home thirty plus miles from a decent hospital to a church and home that has one right across the street? Is it mere coincidence, also, that I was convinced to secure life insurance less than three years before a stroke that would render me uninsurable? Surely a few events could be coincidental, but a more extensive look reveals things that appear to be much more. There are several things that seemed inconsequential at the time but now appear to have been done for a purpose. Sometime in 2003 I was taking my oldest daughter to the doctor; while I was there I asked him to take my blood pressure just so I could see how I was doing. It was a little high, but not really elevated, so I did not worry about it. About six months or so later, I was taking my son to the same doctor and asked, again, for Had I kept him to take my blood pressure. Again it was a private little elevated, but not so high that it concerned insurance, my me. In the summer of 2004, my wife and I were stroke would going to change health insurance companies to not have been one that allowed more health savings account covered. contributions. I received a phone call from the Health Insurance Underwriting Service, and they informed me that they were going to raise my premium by twenty-five percent and they would waive me from any coverage for heart problems. Why? The doctor had written on my chart that I had chronic high blood pressure; that caused the insurance company to place me in the high risk category for heart disease. So, I submitted an application to the VA for coverage under the Department of Veterans Affairs; I was accepted, so I no longer needed supplemental insurance. Had I kept private insurance, my stroke would not have been covered. As I had mentioned before, I had no life insurance before the events of 2005 led me to apply for it. Had I not done that, I would not have been able
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to secure life insurance because I was a high risk. As tragic as those circumstances were, they convinced me that I needed to pursue life insurance and seek coverage for my family. Had those events not happened, there is a very good possibility that I would not have sought out coverage for my family. Less than one year before I came to Knoxville, the church had made a decision to purchase a new parsonage for the pastor. The old parsonage was a two-story home, and the only bathroom in the house was on the second story; the master bedroom was on the top floor, the garage was detached from house. The new parsonage was one level; two bathrooms with a master bedroom on the main floor and a master bathroom. The garage was attached to the house. Had the house still had two floors, I would not have been able to live there immediately following my stroke; at that time, I could not maneuver stairs so I would have had to stay in the hospital until I could adequately manage steps. I have said earlier that the doctors could not identify my problems during the early stages of my illness. They tested me for spinal meningitis, they thought I had some sort of intestinal infection, and it was assumed that my high blood pressure was caused, mainly, by the extreme pain and dizziness. It was not until Wednesday mid-morning that a stroke was identified. Because of the swelling and the massive damage to my brain stem, transporting me to Iowa City, and the VA neurosurgeons, was out of the question. Surgery had to be performed at a local Des Moines hospital. That allowed for the congregation from my current church and my former church to gather with my family at the hospital. Had I been transported to Iowa City, the likelihood of my family enduring that situation alone would have been much more likely. School for my children was still a possibility because Dad was in a Des Moines hospital rather than an Iowa City hospital; my son could still be involved with the school musical, my girls were able to go to their school with their friends rather than being placed in an unfamiliar situation. I mentioned earlier that I felt as though I could have retired from the church in Stratford; it was really a perfect situation for my family. So when we moved to Knoxville it did not make any sense to me, to my family, to my church, or to people who were giving me advice. But I felt that God wanted
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me in Knoxville, perhaps because He knew what was in my future, though I did not. As early as 1995, plans were made to close the Knoxville campus of the VA Central Iowa Health System; one roadblock after another was encountered so that the hospital was still available for me in December of 2008. The Knoxville campus did eventually closein December of 2009. And last, but certainly not least, was the surgeon; Dr. John Piper was the neurosurgeon who performed the craniectomy and cerebellum retraction. As it happens, Dr. Piper is perhaps the single greatest neurosurgeon in the state of Iowa; he is well-respected by the neurologists in Des Moines, Iowa City, and Cedar Rapids. Several of the doctors who have talked with me concerning my surgery have all said the same thing: if I could handpick anyone to perform that surgery, Dr. Piper would be that person. Is it just a coincidence that he was available for surgery that day? Is it mere coincidence that, though he normally does not accept VA patients, he agreed to do my surgery? Is it mere coincidence that Dr. Benjamin, my neurologist, was not supposed to see me but decided to just pop in? Are all of these happenings merely coincidental or did God divinely orchestrate things for His purpose? Perhaps someone reading this is saying that it is in fact coincidental; but I choose to believe that it was all the work of a loving God who knows all things. So, what if things had not worked out so well for me? What if I was not able to walk again, or talk again, or feed myself ? What if all that was true? That is a good question, but the answer is still the same: God is still righteous, He is still good, and His God is God, love is always the same. My circumstances do not influence how good God is to man. My wife asked me one and I am time what I would do if everything they said would not. happen to me were actually true? My response was that I would just have to do what I have always done: adapt and overcome. I can remember, though, telling her and my kids to remember this one thing: no matter what happens to me, God is still good. Perhaps there is someone reading this that has experienced a tragedy in life; what can I say to them? God is still good. Fortunately, God is not bound by my circumstances and He is never surprised by anything that happens.
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This may not be proper English, but I really believe it is true: God is God, and I am not; therefore, I do not have the right to decide what happens in life and I do not have the authority to question what occurs. Two things that I NEVER do anymore: I never start a sentence with God cant, and I never start a sentence with God has to. He is God, He can do whatever He chooses to do; but also, He is God, He can NOT do whatever He chooses NOT to do.
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Some of the young people from my youth group in Louisiana.
A good old-fashioned Louisiana crawfish boil for the youth group.
My first churchFirst Baptist church in Stratford, Iowa.
Celebrating the 150th anniversary of the church.
The view from our doorstep on November 12, 2005, after a tornado passed 100 feet from our house.
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Across the street, you can still see the tornado clouds in the distance.
My wife and my girls in our front yard preparing to cross the street.
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At our house, the sand was still in the sandbox and the trampoline was not touched!
Less than one block from our house.
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Fifteen days after the tornado, we are in another emergency shelter.
Taking refuge in the United Methodist Church.
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Notice the date: November 29. We had been forced into the shelter on November 27!
New Covenant Church in Knoxville, Iowa.
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Left: December 21, 2008; only thirteen days removed from my stroke.
Below: My mom and dad came and spent nearly a full month in Iowa; we celebrated Christmas in the VA hospital.
My brothers, David (left) and Dennis (right), came to visit me in the hospital.
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Left: Me and my girls in the hospital.
Right: Less than three months from my stroke, I was able to ride my bike, run, play basketball, preachall things that I was given no hope of doing ever again.
Christmas party with the youth in Louisiana.
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Skyler Dillon and Jeffrey Garza; Jeffrey went on to establish Lifes Journey Church in Zachary, Louisiana.
First Baptist Church in Stratford, Iowa.
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My kids: Shaylee (left), Brendan, (middle), and Madelyn (right). Christmas 2004
A little light in an otherwise dark tunnel.
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The large white spaces are areas of my cerebellum that have been removed by surgery. A normal cerebellum scan shows no white (caused by dye that is used to identify empty spaces).
The larger and smaller areas are strokes in the brain stem due to swelling. A normal brain stem scan would show no white. Barely visible are darker areas in the brain stem, indicating areas of lesions on the brain stem.
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PART II
What Is It Like?
What is my life like now? For a glimpse into the mind of a stroke survivor, I will include portions of my blog: misspellings, bad grammar, and everything. At times it seems like mindless rambling, but these are my real thoughts, my real feelings, and my real emotions. My blog can be accessed at: astrokestory.blogspot.com.
CHAPTER 7
Im sorry, this cant really be happening
MONDAY, JANUARY 12, 2009 This will be my first postYou know whats funny about a stroke...I know, I know, theres nothing funny...but the funny thing is that I heard my wife talking about this peron who had a stroke and I thought to myself, Hmm, who had a stroke that I dont know about... Then I looked around and found that I was the only person in a hospital bed and figured she must be talking about me. The interesting thing is that I remember everything up to the str0ke, but I dont remember the stroke itself. I can remember things I would rather forget (like this seasons primaries and presidential election) but of that 2 weeks I have no recollection. Ill have to take my wifes account of that 2 weeks as gospel because I dont remember it. (I do remember talking to a lady from the first church I pastored and she said that she tried to come see me when I was in the hospital. I said that she should have just said that she was there, because I would not have known it!) Speaking of my wife, I have to give her quite a bit of praise because she was in my hospital rooms from the time I had my stroke until I was released to the Knoxville VA. The only reason she wasnt in my room then was because we live only 6 blocks from the VA center in Knoxville - not to
mention the other men I was sharing a room with. :-) Anyway, I was talking about my stroke. My wife says that I had a CT scan, but I dont remember getting that from Knoxville Hospital & Clinics. They initially tested me for spinal meningitis because that was they thought I had. Then she says I was transported to the Des Moines VA, but I dont remember that. You want to know what else is funny, I have phone calls on my cell phone that I know I made because my wife remembers talking to me, but I dont remember making those calls. Anyway, then my blood pressure came down and they told my wife to go home because the CT scans were clear. Then my blood pressure went really high and they did another CT scan. THAT scan showed something different from the other scans. Dr. Benjamin asked my wife if I had any trauma to my head recently. My wife answered that I had a massage the day before. Dr. Benjamin said that I would not survive a trip to Iowa City and for that purpose she recommnded that I be transferred to Iowa Methodist to have surgery by Dr. Piper. The type of stoke I had is called an Intracerebral Hemorrhage. I had one major stroke in my cerebellum and 2 or 3 minor strokes in my brain stem. I was not supposed to survive the surgery. If I survived, I had a 50/50 chance of waking up. If I woke up, the doctors said that I would never be the same and I should just be in a wheelchair drooling. I said that for this purpose, as I sit here, it has been less than 5 weeks post surgery! God has been good to me. I realize that not everyone gets a gift like this from God, but the Drs. are astounded by my recovery. The nurse that gave me my final medicine at the rehab center said, Ive never seen a faster recovery! Every day I live now I live for the One who gave life to me. There is no scientific reason why I am sitting at my computer writing this now; there is only one reason and it is because God has been looking out for me. You may not believe in Him, but all I can tell you is that I was released 3 weeks and 1 day after having surgery on my brain. THAT is a mystery to the Drs. But it is no mystery to me, because I know the One that says there is a balm in Gilead. I know the One Who is the Great Physician. I dont know a doctor, but I know The Doctor. When I Woke upI had a bunch of stitches in my head. My wife said
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I also had a shunt in to relieve the pressure is my head. Dr. Bejamin said (to my wife) that I only had 2 or 3 hours before I passed away from the pressure on my brain and in my head. My head (5 weeks removed from surgery) still itches but I have had all the stitches removed completely. I woke up in CCU at Iowa Methodist hospital. I vaguely remember people coming to see me. I dont remember anything they said, I just remember that they were there. I had surgery on December 10th and I woke up on I think December 13 or 14. I was moved onto the 5th floor of Iowa Methodist and was then given the option (at the bargain rate of $2,000 $6,000 a DAY) to move to Younker Recovery and Rehab. I served in the Army from 1989 unil 1994 so I qualified for VA treatment at the VA rehab center in Knoxville. I dont remember being at the Des Moines VA the first time, but I remember this trip to the Des Moines VA center. I was there from December 20 thru December 22. Then I was transferred on December 22 to the Knoxville VA rehab center. I stayed in Knoxville Rehab until January 1st. After that I was on pass and then I was released completely from Physical Therapy and Occupational Therapy. I still have to see the Speech therapist, but I will only have to go to see in 2 weeks and then I will see what happens from there. TUESDAY, JANUARY 13, 2009 I guess I should back upMy wife first suspected I was having the stroke on December 9th pretty early. At first she didnt know what to think because I was just stumbling around. I dont remember much of that morning, but my wife says that I was hitting my head against the wall trying to get to the bathroom and such. That was when she called the local hospital 911 because it was only 4 a.m. and she did not want to wait until 8 a.m. when all the Dr. offices opened. She wound up calling the nurse at Mercy 911 and she said that I should go to the local emergency room to get treatment ASAP. I can only guess that I was having symptoms of the stoke 3 or 4 weeks before my actual stroke because I wa having sudden intense headaches.
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Looking back, I can see that was a sign of a stroke, but I attributed it to using a new bathroom cleaner. Now the Drs. think I had a perfect storm sort of speak that all came together. I had borderline high blood pressure, I was taking over the counter cold midication that raised my blood pressure, I was taking herbal remedies which only raised my already high bl00d pressure, and I had a massage the morning of the 8th of December. None of those things are dangerous independently, but together they think it was what caused my stroke. The Drs. are also trying to figure out what would casue a 38 year old man in pretty good shape (I was going to the Rec. Center everyday and had lowere my Cholesterol by 68 points in a year) to have a stroke. They think it may be a genetic problem that casued weakness in the muscle that surrounds the blood vessel that allowed blood to leak into the brain. That, combined with all the aforementioned things, may have caused the stroke. They are not certain, but that is what the think. The rest of the next 2 weeks are just a blur to me. My wife says that I was actually at 2 hospitals in Des Moines, but I can only remember waking up at CCU in Iowa Methodist. My wife says that abotu 30 - 50 people from my church were there on during my surgery and for the first few days. I dont remember them, but I will take her word for it. She also said that my brain swelling was so severe before the surgery that my kids had to come in and spend a few minutes to tell me goodbye if I didnt make it through the surgery. My associate Pastor, Ethan Book, was in my room or at the hospital constantly throughout my hospital stay. He was tremendous to me and my wife during this difficult time for me. I also had visitors from the first church I pastored in Stratford, Iowa. I dont remember what they said, I just remember them being there. Laura (my wife) said that my surgery lasted 4 or 41/2 hours. They Drs. had to repair the muscle and the vein and then suction out the bleedign and then they put a shunt in to relieve the pressure that was building in my head. Dr. piper said to my wife to expect 6 months of intense therapy. But I have fooled the Drs. and today is my 5 week anniversary of my surgery. I have been bck to work for about a week and Laura has been back to work for a week too. God is good
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WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2009 It is taking awhileIt is taking awhile to get used to everything in my body being different than it used to be, but I am slowly getting used to it. My hands are the worst of it. I cant seem to get my hands to do what I want them to do. I cant write, I cant type. I guess I can a little, but I am not like I used to be. I used to type and write without thinking, but now I have to think about everyting I write and type. I cant clap like I used to. I clap different from the way I did the rest of my life. I know, I know it is a little thing, but I cant do anything like I used to. It is a big thing when you realize that everything in your life will be different. Whenever I have a headache, I have to ask myself if this is a normal headache, or am I having another stroke. Whenenver I have a simple cold I will never again be able to take over the counter medicine. I will have to go to a Dr. It is a small price to pay, but it is different from the first 38+ years. I might talk normal again, but I might not talk normal. It is going to take awhile, but I will get used to this, too. THURSDAY, JANUARY 15, 2009 I had my follow up from Iowa MethodistI had a good follow up. The Dr. said that I was doing well. He was actually astounded by my progress. He had me walk heel to foot, touch his finger, touch my nose and many other things. He did reccomend that I go to Iowa City to follow up with a stroke specialist. But, he was very pleased with everything I told him. His only area of concern was with my INR because it was a little low. He wants it at between 2 and 3. It was only 1.48. So, he wants to keep me on the Warfarin as long as my INR is low. The VA wants me off the Warfarin in about 2 more months. Then they want me on low dose Aspirin for pobably the rest of my life. But the Dr. at Iowa Methodist wants to see me on Warfarin longer. But he was just offering his suggestion. He also said that the reason I have problems at night is because I have had both sides of my cerebellum removed. Apparently there are 5 parts of your body that are necessary for balance. If any one is gone, then when
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another is taken away, it makes balance worse. He said, before I had a chance to tell him, that I was stumbling around at night. That is because the eyes are another part of your body that is necessary for balance. Because my cerebellum is gone, that makes my eyes much more important. If my eyes are gone, then my cerebellum becomes more important. If my cerebellum is gone, then my balance will be shot. Overall it was a good visit and he was genuinely astouned when he saw me. The last time he saw me, I was in a hospital bed and I could not even do anything on my own. Now I am able to do everything on my own, even walking!!! SATURDAY, JANUARY 17, 2009 I will try to post the newspaper article about me here.
Knoxville rallies behind minister

Article used with the permission of the editor of the Knoxville Journal-Express.
It may be next to impossible to prove the existence of miracles, but an ordeal for one Knoxville family may make a strong case in favor of it. I shouldnt be having this conversation with you, Pastor Jim Mead of the New Covenant Church said last week. Jim suffered an intra cranial hemorrhage and several mini strokes in his brain stem on Dec. 9. He was told that most people who suffer these attacks on the brain either find themselves confined to a wheelchair or dead. Around 4 a.m. Dec. 9, Jim told his wife, Laura, that he felt funny. He was stumbling around and vomiting. They believed he had meningitis, so they went to the Knoxville hospital and clinics. He was transferred to the Knoxville VA Medical Center, then to the Des Moines VA. Jim underwent three CT scans and an MRI. A VA neurologist asked Laura if Jim had suffered any head trauma. Jim was stroking and his brain was beginning to swell. I remember asking, Is there any hope? Laura said. It was just an awful prognosis. Laura called Jims parents to let them know what was going on. Jim, who served five years with the Unites States Army needed emergency
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brain surgery. The VA typically has its patients receive that kind of treatment in Iowa City. I didnt have time, Jim said. He was transferred to Iowa Methodist Medical Center. The stroke had affected both sides of his brain, a condition his doctors had never experienced before. If, after the operation, he slipped into a coma, there would have been no hope. The Mead children, Brendan, Shaylee and Madelyn, had been left in the care of New Covenants Associate Pastor, Ethan Book. Laura called them to let them know what had happened. We just prayed and gathered arouund Jim in the trauma room, Laura said. The doctors were not giving her a lot of hope. I felt like, basically, we were saying goodbye. As the family told Jim how much they love him, a surgical nurse looked on. Laura said the nurse was crying and asked permission to offer Jim up for prayer. Laura obliged. We were just surrounded by people who love God, Laura said. The emotion turned to laughter momentarily when young Madelyn said that she didnt want Daddy to die, because hes the fun one. Meanwhile, the community was rallying behind the Mead family. Word had spread about Jims condition. As Book remembers it, the crowd in the waiting room grew to approximately 50 visitors. It was just unbelievable, Book said. The were so many people there. People offered money, food, whatever the family needed. Book credits his church with having many leaders, willing to step up in times of crises, but those who showed support went beyond New Covenants congregation It made you thankful for the community, Book said. The Meads have an extensive list of people they want to thank for their assistance during the ordeal. Among those specifically mentioned were KHC, the Knoxville VA, Jason and Lily Maasdam, Ross Leeper, Jacke Duffy and Doug Wilson. Overall, they want the community to know how grateful they are for everyone who helped their family. I dont know how everything circulated, Laura said. I was just overwhelmed. During and after the surgery, Laura said they begged God for a miracle. She
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believes He delivered. When medicine ends, God is only getting started I think, Laura said. Jim never lost his faith, nor did he become angry with God. He and Laura live by the philosophy that God is good, even when ones circumstances are not. Were just full of gratitude, Laura said. Laura never left Jims side. She had been told that even though Jim survived, he would face months of therapy and he may never again be the man he was. Jim believes God looked down upon him and showed mercy. Weeks after surgery, the only effect still noticeable is slurred speech. Given time, I think my speech will come back, too, Jim said. Laura said Jim was determined to adapt and overcome this challenge. He amazed physical therapists at the Knoxville VA with his progress. Not only have his physical abilities come back, but Laura says his memory and personality are there as well. She joked that when she asks him, Have you lost your mind? he can reply, Yes, I have. Jokes aside, Jim says the support Laura has given him has been tremendous. As a result of the stroke, Jim is on medication. He believes it is a small price to pay. The scientific reason behind Jims stroke is not known for sure. Doctors have told the Meads the likely cause is a perfect storm of conditions unique to Jim. Jim was on blood pressure medication, then went off it. Around the same time, he got a cold, took medicine to treat it, which raised his blood pressure again. There is also a chance Jim has a congenital weakness in the muscle. On top of that he had a massage the day before. All of these things may have combined to cause the stroke. Jims ordeal did impact the message New Covenants congregation received. Book said he did not have time to think about taking over the leadership of the church. We just have each others backs Book said. He learned a lot about faith, watching in amazement at the faith Jim and Laura displayed as they faced this challenge. Hes just a present example of want God can do, Book said. Jim will return to the pulpit on Jan. 25. He has already resumed his work with the AWANA group. The first time he walked into an AWANA meeting after the surgery, the children were ecstatic. A similar reaction came when he made it to a church service earlier this month. Getting back to his old routine has helped his recovery, Jim believes. Jim says God was testing him. Satan saw the positive impact he was having
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on the community and tried to strike him down. I think that God just said, Youre going to be back, Jim said. if one more person comes to church, if one more person is saved, its worth it. SUNDAY, JANUARY 18, 2009 Today I led the service at church...The morning started with a meeting (informal, of course) with the deacons. It was decided that I would do a dry run for next week by doing the opening prayer, the announcements, the pastoral prayer and the pastoral song. It was a re3ally good feeling to be able to do all that and not be tired. It felt good to be back in the pulpit. Swann Juline preached, so I didnt have to. Ethan was at winter retreat for the Senior High so he was unavailable. I often joke with him about having a vacation but I know that it is a lot of work taking the Sr. High to retreat. MONDAY, JANUARY 19, 2009 Tonight I should practice drivingThis may be a big night for me. I should practice driving in a parking lot tonight. This should be a great night. I am a little bit nervous getting behind the wheel again, but I think I am ready. I dont know yet what will be expected of me from the VA on Wednesday. I have to call tomorrow and find out if the VA needs me to bring my own vehicle, or if they will provide it. I will also be practicing tonight for Sunday. Overall this should be a big night for me. I know it has not even been 6 weeks yet, but it seems like it has been an eternity. My dad has been struggling with this for over 7 years. I know that it can be done, but it has been hard. I dont know what is harder, knowing I can and am not allowed, or not being allowed. If I simply wasnt allowed, then that would be all of it. I simply would not do it. BUT since I can, but am not allowed, it is harder because I know it is something I used to do, but will have to work into it. Speaking of things I used to be able to do, I used to be able to do jumping jacks easily and now I have a hard time doing them. I think that it is because I do not have a good cerebellum the rest of my body wants to take
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over. Maybe, maybe not. All I know is that when I jump it feels weird. TUESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2009 Today I really thought about things...This morning I really thought about things from my wifes perspective, in fact from everyone elses perfpective and I thought, How selfish have I become. I have given little thought to how the other person feels toward me. I have only thought how they must affect ME. I never thought about the woman who graduated from William Penn and I was not there to congratulate her. I never thought about the kids in the band and how they must feel doing a benefit for someone most of them have never met. I never thought about my kids, how they must have felt the first few days watching me in a hospital bed not knowing what would happen to me. Most of all, I never thought of how my wife feels. She has had to do all of the driving, all of the ice-scraping, all of the bill paying, all the running to the bank, all the running to the store, all the picking up the kids from their activities. I could say, Yeah, but she did not have a stroke. The question comes when I ask myself the question, Would I do the same for her? I think, in fact I know, the answer, Yes. Is it because I feel obligated? No. It is because I love her and want her to be as at ease as possible. So, does she baby me a little? Yes. Only because she does not EVER want anything like this to happen to me again. So, for the rest of the time, I will keep my mouth shut and only do what I am allowed. IF I do more that I should, I NEED to get fussed at. I need to understand that what happened to me did not only affect me; it has affected everyone that comes in contact with me and my situation. I need to understand that the people that have been most effected by what happened to me are the ones who love me the most. If they look at me differently, then so be it. The responsibility really falls on me. It is about time I stop expecting everyone else to change their response to me. They did not have the stroke; I did. It is my responsibility then to change my response to them as well. It is time, as John McCarthur would say, for me to be gentle in my response to every person. They dont know what it is like to have a stroke, but it is WRONG for me to expect them to know what it is like. The things I cannot control, I wont try to; the
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things I can control I will and nothing more. WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2009 Last night my wife really opened up about the ordealI dont know, I guess I never thought about how it was for her to see my ice glass, or to see me laying on a hospital bed unresponsive. I know that the stroke affected me in a tremendous way, but I have never stopped to think about how it affected my wife and kids. She told me the kids were crying when they got to the hospital because they did not know if they would ever see daddy again. That is pretty terrifying for children 7 and 10, not to mention a 16 year old that is just about ready to finish his first year driving. It was a pretty traumatic experience for everyone involved, which makes me appreciate them more that I am home. Yeah, it irritates me when my 16 year old does not get his jeans into the laundry room and then complains that he does not have any jeans. Or when my 7 and 10 year old fight over a littlest pet shop toy. But, the alternative is having them bury their father, and that makes me enjoy the little things. I may not like all them, but I enjoy seeing them. FRIDAY, JANUARY 23, 2009 Today was another big day...First, it is the last working day before my big day. I go back to preaching this Sunday. My mom says that I am like a cat on a hot tin roof. I cannot sit still. I pace all over and I am fidgety. I can only guess that it is because of this Sunday. The church (which, I am gateful for) is really making a big deal over this Sunday. This will be my first Sunday back, so, yeah, Im a little nervous. Second, I got my license. If you have been following my blog, you know what a big deal this is. I feel now that I have a level of independence that I did not have before. I drove to my wifes business while she was at work by myself. It felt great to be behind the wheel again. I DID have a laughing fit at her office (I dont know if I said anything that funny or if it was a part of what the Dr. told me to expect.) But, anyway, I drove alone
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for the first time since December 8th. Boy, did it feel good. Third, I ran across the street. Now, normally I am not supposed to run and I am not supposed to now, but I was experimenting. It felt weird. I have absolutely NO coordination. I was not able to run like I could before. (as a side note, it will be funny when I am allowed to play basketball again to see if I am able to run then). The running was not bad, like I did not feel bad afterward, but I just do not have any coordination at all. Next, I went out to Kin Folks to celebrate the fact that I got my license back. It was really good. I have not been to Kin Folks for about 3 or 4 months. Tonight I went out with my wife, my 2 girls and my parents. (My son was at a basketball game). I had a hard time, in fact I could not, finish it all. Whatever the night, I had a big day. SUNDAY, JANUARY 25, 2009 Last Night I had a good time at the Rec. Center Now, I have to be honest. (Why is it that preachers always tell you that they are being honest now...). I was a little apprehensive before because I did not know how much I would be able to do. Would my limitations get in the way of once I got on the floor? When I arrived, I found out that I did not have to worry about the weight room and the exercise room because we did not have that reserved. I did not venture into the pool (even though I could have as long as I stayed in the shallow end). That only left the gymnasium. When I arrived, I could do very little, so, I was worried. After everyone else started to arrive, I loosened up a bit. I had a good time fellowshipping with the people there. I guess we had 75 - 85 there. Considering how cold it was (about 8 degrees) I thought it was a good turnout. Over the night, I found myself doing more in the gym. At the beginning, as I said, I could do next to nothing. By the end of the night, I was running across the gym floor and shooting 3-pointers (I even made a few!!!) Overall, it was a good night. I told my wife, One night down, one more day to go. Today will be my first attempt at preaching since my stroke. I have preached some where in the vicinity of 600 sermons...this is the first one I am genuinely nervous
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about. Will I forget; will I fall; will I be able to preach like I did before? All these questions and more are running through my mind. I will update everyone after I preach today. SATURDAY, JANUARY 31, 2009 I realize that this is a post most people wont understand...But you will never know what it feels like to have every decision, and every word scrutinized for its accuracy. Now, before I go on I want to say that I know that the people who say something have only my best interests in mind, but it still give a stroke victim (or anyone else who has a problem communicating) a sense that everyone is just waiting for you next mistake. It really gives you a sense that every word you say is checked for it accuracy. Some people dont know what I am talking about, but when it happens, you will know it. For intstance, the other day I needed to go to the post office and I said the bank on accident. Could it have been the stroke? Maybe. The truth is I probably would say that wrong word before I had anything wrong with me. The truth is that people are more in tune to it now. Before, I might say something wrong and people would just overlook it...now if I say something wrong people are more attune and they bring it to my attention. Now, as I said before, it is something that I just have to get used to because the people who say something have my best interests in mind. (I guess you could say it this way...am I asking them to STOP saying something to me when I get it wrong, no. I just want people to be aware that I am aware of it and it bothers me about me, not about them). It will be something I have to carry for (presumably) for the rest of my life. I will probably always have a slight speech problem. If I dont, fine. But I am planning on it. So, for the next who-knows-how-many-years I will have to plan on my speech being scrutinized. (Just a side note, I think I pay more attention to my speech problem than anyone else. For instance, I was just talking with someone the other day and they said that if I did not tell them I had a stroke, they would not have guessed.) So, I just have to get used to keeping my feelings to myself about my speech. This will probably be the only post about this on this blog.
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CHAPTER 8
Starting to adjust to my new life
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2009 Yesterday was the first day doing everything for me...Yesterday was a big day. Not as big as last Sunday, for sure, but it was a big day nonetheless. For the first time since my stroke, I was able to teach my Sunday school class, preach the Sunday morning message, visit the hospital, and do a small group at Westridge nursing home. I had one person tell me (after I told them I had a stroke) that if I hadnt told them, they would not have guessed that anything was different about me. I have to say that it was the first time that I felt normal for a whole day. I was able (I think) to convey all the messages I wanted; I was able to preach and think on my feet a little; I was able at the nursing home to take some of the peoples thoughts and tell what I wanted them to know. For the first time (I know I have said it before) I really had to reach back and feel the scar from my surgery to know that something had happened. Now, I am still having issues with my typing, but that is to be expected. The Dr. said that since I had part of my cerebellum removed, that is responsible for coordination and typing takes an incredible amount of coordination to do really well. So that has not come back completely. Tonight my
wife asked me what percentage I think I am now. I think overall I am about 90% of what I was on December 7th. My typing, though, is maybe 75-80% of what it was before. I have several misspellings; several times I have to backspace because I hit the wrong key, and many times I write ahead of myself. I can only think it is because my mind operates so much faster than my hands that I get ahead of myself and type a letter that comes in 3 more words. For instance, I may type a c because I know it is coming rather than typing an m even though it is the next letter. All I can say is it is WEIRD. Other than that, I am almost back to normal (those of you who know me may feel bad for my wife right now). I still stumble from time to time and I have to force my right leg not to cross my left leg. But most of the time I do really well. TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2009 Well, today I saw my VA neurologist...To sum up a long conversation with Dr. Benjamin, she could not believe that I could sit up, walk, touch her finger or really anything because it requires some coordination. Since I no longer have a cerebellum (or very little of one) that SHOULD be IMPOSSIBLE. Not just difficult, but not possible. I guess I could sum it up by saying that I had a great visit with her. There was a surgical resident in the room with us. She knew nothing about me, but she also said that I should not be able to do anything. (Not that Dr. Benjamin did not know what she was talking about, but the resident did not have any reason to think anything out of the ordinary about me.) Dr. Benjamin also let the resident (and me) see the CT scans from before my surgery. She showed me where the cerebellum was infarcting (stroking). Basically, I would have to agree with her assessment that I no longer have an operating cerebellum left. She also showed me where the CT scan showed my brain swelling, putting pressure on my brain stem. As a side note, I also found out that I should NOT have had a spinal tap while I was having a stroke. Apparently the local hospital thought I was having spinal meningitis (which was a logical assumption) but they never explored the option of a stroke. They assumed I was having spinal menin74
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gitis from the first second I walked into the ER. Dr. Benjamin was AMAZED that I could walk anywhere without a cerebellum. Now, if I was being transparent for a minute, it is a humbling thing to hear a Dr. say that it should be IMPOSSIBLE for me to do what I am doing without a cerebellum. It can be a very humbling experience to hear them talk about you like you are some sort of FREAK. Now, it may be difficult to hear, but I will take it over the alternative any time. WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2009 Today, Im having a little bit of a pity party...Now, fundamentally I understand that I should not be able to do able to do what I am doing. I get that part, and for that I am grateful. But until you have had a stroke, you really are not able to sympathize with me. It has given me a new appreciation for people that chastise me when I say that I know what they are going through. I cannot explain everything, but I have problems controlling my emotions. Saying that I shouldnt have the problem does not take away the fact that I do. I have some problems with my speech. Really, it does not matter what area I should struggle with, the fact is I do. Yesterday, I went on facebook and saw a page for classmates of mine that are no longer with us (I will celebrate, if you want to call it that, my 20th graduation anniversary this summer). The truth is, I almost made that list. I nearly died. Until it has happened to you, it is really an insult to say that you know what I am going through. The truth is, no one knows what it is like to wake up and find out you had conversations of which you have no recollection; no one knows what it is like to find out what all the Drs are saying about me; no one knows what it was like to see the scans and find that I did not have a minor stroke, but I had a major stroke in my cerebellum and minor strokes in my brain stem. To see the scans before and after, I really did not have a grasp of what the situation was...now I know and it scares me. The truth is, people do not know what it is like. That is not to say that some people do not know what it is like to have agony. People struggle with agony, I know, but saying that I should react like I would for a bad cold is wrong, too. Simply put, I had a stroke...I nearly died...I should be, according
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to medicine, a vegetable for the rest of my life...I ought to be in a hospital bed for the rest of my life...how do YOU think you would react to that? FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2009 There are little things that some people take for granted...Today I had a nice relaxing lunch with my wife. This may seem like a normal day out to most people, but it meant something bigger to me: it meant that I was still here to take her to lunch; it meant that I was able to sit with her; it meant that I did not have to communicate with a board, and it meant that for the most part I was not on a special diet because of my stroke. I just had a wonderful time with her. I cannot express how much it means to be able to spend quality time with her. Each time my kids throw themselves on me, it means a lot to me. My youngest, who has a hard time putting everything together, sometimes says that I cannot do things because I was sick. She is right...I have limitations; life as I once knew it is over. But what I gave up is nothing compared to what I still have with my wife and children. I have been more than just blessed to watch my kids grow up or just have a relaxing time with my wife out for a simple lunch. While I am on the subject, this is about as close as I have come to a normal night out. I went to the hospital to visit a churchgoer, and while we were mulling over where to go for dinner, some people from our church invited us out. So, we had a nice night at Applebees and really had a nice conversation. It really felt good. I even told my wife that I noticed (which means I was paying attention) that I did not slur my words as much when I was in a restaurant as when I was just riding somewhere. Maybe it is because I try harder when I am in mixed company than when I am nearly or totally alone. It is something to think about. Now I am waiting for my son to get back from his job. He had to drop off some tax stuff and get his check. These are great days...I get to wait up for my son and 10:30 p.m. Considering the alternative, I will take staying up anytime.
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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2009 Today I found out something very important...I can still ride a bike!!! We went down to the North Overlook of Lake Red Rock and walked the trails. We had a picnic and I had a good day withe the family. We took our bikes out and rode around. We watched people fishing and just had a good day. As a side note, according to the State of Iowa, I am permanently disabled! I get a permanent fishing license effective the day of my stroke. From now on, I will never have to buy a fishing license again. Now, I am not saying that I am permanently disabled, but the state of Iowa does and so they gave me my license. Slowly I am getting back to normal...I made a visit to a recent visitor to the church and made a trip to Wal-Mart. I know that people are sick of me saying it, but I have to reach up every now and then to remind myself that anything significant happened to me. At night I am reminded all the time because I tend to slur my words when I am tired. But, I plan to go to church tomorrow and do everything (my associate is out of town, so I will have to do the announcements in addition to preaching). Basically, I am getting back to normal. THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2009 I had a great day today...Let me start by saying that most people say that they would never know I had a stroke if I did not tell them. I know that; I understand that. I only tell them in case I make a mistake then maybe they will be more likely to overlook it. Anyway, today I was at the hospital to visit someone from the church and in came the Dr. We struck up a conversation, and then my stroke came up (because I was given the choice of doing rehab in that institution). the Dr. asked which person (me or my wife) had the stroke. Now, this was not a normal person...this was a neurologist, someone who deals with stroke patients every day. Now, on the surface someone may say that this is a small deal. But, if you are the one who had a stroke and a Dr. who deals with strokes does not know that you are the one who had a stroke, that is a big deal.
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After that, we went to Sams Club. I could have had a field day in there. It seems like everything I saw was something the kids would really like. Sometime I want to spend an entire day just getting whatever I want (I wish I had that kind of money). Anyway, it was a good day. Just spending the day leisurely with my wife was great...having the Dr. not know which one had the stroke was only icing. The real joy came in spending some time alone with my wife. We didnt have an agenda, we didnt have a Dr. appointment, we did not have to get home at a certain time for the kids (because they were being picked up by someone else). It was a really great time.
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CHAPTER 9
A minor setback
SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2009 I know it has been a long time since I posted...I have been in the hospital for the last week. It all started when I went to the ER Monday and they did a scan to see if I had a blood clot. Once it was determined that I did not have a clot, they gave me a muscle relaxant, told me that I just had a pulled muscle, and sent me home. The next morning I was taking my daily medicine, when I passed out. I guess I was out for about 2 or 3 minutes. My wife said that she thought I was dead because my eyes were open, but I was not responsive. She immediately called 911 and they brought me to Knoxville hospital. Initially the ER thought I passed out because my heart rate dropped, but then they determined after many tests that I passed out from the pain in my leg. After many tests and a cardiologist that wanted to put in a pacemaker, they said that I was bleeding in my leg, which caused my heart rate to drop, resulting in my passing out. I spent 5 days in the hospital, not knowing if I would need surgery or not. The problem was that I was on coumadin, which allowed me to bleed
in my leg, but would complicate a surgery. First, they had to reverse the effects of coumadin to stop the bleeding in my leg, then they had to raise my hemoglobin, making sure that the bleeding had stopped. After several days of observation, they finally let me go home today, but I have to monitor my leg at home and I have to see my Dr. on Monday. Other than that, I had a great week. I told my wife it may be the only time I leave the hospital weighing more than I did when I went in, because I could not eat on Monday until 5 p.m. and I did not eat on Tuesday until 5 p.m. So the rest of the week I ate BIG meals for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Ethan, again, filled in great for me. He did a funeral (at the time I did not know it would be his first funeral), visited several people in the hospital and visited me. I know that he tends to downplay how much he does for me, but it really is a comfort to know that I can go to the hospital and things will be taken care of in my absence. My wife, who has been through a lot, really did a great job this time again. Unlike the first time in the hospital (which was life threatening) she saw me pass out and thought me to be dead. I appreciate all she does and maintaining things when I am in the hospital. My kids, too, have been a source of great pleasure, not grief. They have been through a lot the last couple of months, but continue to do things like any other kids. I have really come to appreciate my family, as if not before, in the last few months. Tomorrow I should go back to church. I will have to go easy for a couple months. But, well see what develops over the weeks. I guess that is all that I have to write now. But I will write more later. MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2009 I didnt get any good news today...well, sortaI went to the VA for a follow up today. After they took my blood, I just did normal things around the house. But, when I went back the Dr. said that he did not buy the fact that I just had borderline high blood pressure, was on over-the-counter medicine, went for a massage and had a stroke. Basically he said what people have been saying for a long time: people my age just dont have strokes. What he said
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is that people have those conditions every day, but they dont have strokes. So, now I just have to wait to find out what the stroke specialist says. He is concerned that they dont know what caused my stroke yet. I am going through a time that I am unfamiliar with. I cannot do certain things that I used to be able to do, and I dont like it. The truth is that I need help doing almost everything. As much as I appreciate people who are willing to do things for me, I hate the fact that I cannot do them. I struggle with everything, and what I dont struggle with, I have problems doing. I need help going downstairs, walking from room to room, going to work... everything. I know it is only a temporary setback while my leg heals, but I have often said that I HATE this new reality. I spent last night thinking that I wish I could just rewind to before my stroke. The fact is that everything HAS to be linked to my stroke. I can only hope that life gets back to normal pretty soon. WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2009 I am in an emotional whirlwindI am still having some problems with my emotions. I tend to laugh a lot when I laugh, cry a lot when I cry and I get really angry when I get angry. Every Dr. tells me it is a side effect of my stroke, but I have to learn to get control of it. For instance, when I laugh at work or with my wife, I laugh until I can hardly breathe. When I cry, I cry over simple things like movies that never used to make me cry (like Elf and the Princess Bride). When I deal with the kids, I catch myself getting short (it usually takes me by surprise...I think I am controlling things and my family will tell me to calm down when I think I am). It is just something I will have to get used to, and try to recognize the signs of its oncoming and overcome it. On a side note, I go to the Dr. on Tuesday to see a stroke specialist. There is a part of me that wants the Dr. to find nothing out of the ordinary and that she is as baffled as me. On the other hand there is a part of me that wants the Dr. to find something and tell me what the treatment is. That was I will no longer have to wonder what is wrong with me.
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FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2009 I did a little reminiscing today...Just a little bit ago I finished looking at pictures of my when I was in the hospital. Some of the pictures I admittedly cannot remember vividly. I remember that it was taken, but I cannot remember the whole situation. It brought back a lot of memories. Some of them I would rather forget, like being in the hospital. Others I remember fondly, like my parents and brothers, David and Dennis, visiting me. More than anything else, it makes me aware of where I am and where God has brought me. I know that I have said it many times, but the truth is that I nearly died, I have had many doctors tell me that I cannot do the things I am doing, and no doctor so far can figure out what happened to get me in my situation. I realize how much my wife, children and the rest of my family had to go through. I also know that my church family had to go through a lot. For right now, I am just rejoicing to be alive and enjoying my daughters 11th birthday. Soon, my other daughter will celebrate her 8th birthday and I will be here to see that, too. My son will celebrate his 17th birthday in less than 5 months. The truth is that I am here for it, and I almost was not alive to enjoy their birthdays. I am just resting in God everyday. MONDAY, MARCH 2, 2009 I had an interesting day yesterday...Ok, by now most of the regular followers of my blog know that I try, unsuccessfully at times, but I try to keep most of the posts pretty positive. I write about what I did, what I tried, and sucess I had, a Dr. visit that went extremely well (as all my Dr. visits so far have done). But, this will not be one of those posts. Yesterday was a really interesting day. I would say that as long as I stayed busy, I had a normal day. But, when I was at home, just sitting, I was really down. I cant explain it, I was just a Negative Nelly all day at home. That is not like me. I am usually an Ollie Optimist. When everyone else is down, I can usually find a reason to be encouraged. But, yesterday I was in the dumps all day at home. I can only guess
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why: it is because I saw pictures from before my stroke, and I was missing that life. The truth is, my current existence stinks. Oh, I am getting used to it and I am not going to go Postal on someone, but truthfully it stinks. I have to learn almost everything over again. Not how to do it, but what I can or cannot do. Since I have had my setback it is worse. My leg hurts when I try to do something as simple as put my shoes on. If my leg does not hurt, then it is my chest where I fell. My entire left side hurts. My wife and I can only guess that when I passed out, I must have hit the doorway first before I hit the ground. So, I have to try everything a new way. Even yesterday while preaching, I had to preach from a chair. I know I should be rejoicing that I was able to perform my job, and I am thankful for that, but it was different, and it was all due to my stroke and the after-effects of that one event. Now, I am feeling better today. Maybe I was just tired and needed to sleep; maybe I have to be busy and I am facing a new week; maybe my appointment tomorrow is coming quickly and I am excited about it...regardless, I feel better today. I will feel best when I am DONE with Drs. and I can finally get back to feeling better.
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CHAPTER 10
Moving on
TUESDAY, MARCH 3, 2009 Today is my appointment in Iowa CityWell, today is the day that I have been waiting for a month. I hope (of couse, it depends on what she says) that after today I will be done seeing doctors. The only nice thing is that you have to be accepted to Dr. Davis, but my understanding is that SHE wants to see ME. It is nice to see a Dr. that wants to see you instead of vice versa. Anway, I should know more after today than I have ever known before. The Dr. today is a stroke specialist. I have seen neurologists before, but each of my neurologists want me to see THIS Dr. apparently she is the best in Iowa dealing with strokes. If I stump her, then I dont know what I will do next. A part of me wants her to say that she cannot see anything wrong with me, she is baffled, so I just have to go home. At the same time, another part of me wants her to find something wrong with me, tell me what causes it, what the prevention is and to have a nice day. I cannot have both, but either would be nice.
WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 2009 I had my appointment with the stroke specialist yesterdayAll I can say is that I dont think I could have had a better appointment. First, I need to say that she was surprised, not at the fact I am walking because she thinks I would have gotten there soon anyway, but she was surprised that I was walking as soon as I am. When she came to get me, she said that she expected to see me in another state, but not walking. Then, once I was in her office, she revealed the smoking gun that no one else has been able to find, yet. Before my appointment yesterday I had an MRA of my upper chest, neck, and head. In the hospital, they only did an MRI, MRA and CT of my head and neck. What she said is that I have an artery, the left ventricular artery, to my brain that is completely blocked. Now, I know that sounds bad, but she said that in my case it is good because it will not allow further clots to go to my brain, but I am getting ahead of myself. Basically what happened is that sometime in the past, when is unimportant, but somteime in the past my artery became totally occluded. Something happened, it could be a fall, a strain, a cough or anything that created a tear in that artery. (BTW, my headaches were caused by the tear in the artery,not by anything else). The tear allowed blood to leave the artery and form a clot. Something happened (it could or could not have been the massage) that allowed the clot to move into my brain and caused the stroke. The good news is that there is less than a 10% chance of recurrence in 10 years. The other good news is that she took me off (I will go off it over time) all the meds from the VA. She took me off Simvastatin (Zocor) because my stroke was not caused by a buildup of cholesterol. She also is taking me off of all the blood pressure medications because my blood pressure was only 108/54 at the appointment and she said it was too low. (Incidentally, she thinks that I passed out more from low blood pressure than anything else because I was bleeding in my leg and I only have one ventricular artery to feed my brain with blood). Basically she wants my blood pressure top number to stay between 120 and 130 because I only have one artery feeding my brain and she wants my heart to pump hard enough to feed my brain constantly. (Right now it stays between 115 and 120). Overall, it was a GREAT appointment, she does not think I have to worry about a reoccurence of my stroke, she took me off all the VA
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meds (I am on 81mg of aspirin and Folic acid as a preventive, but that is overthe -counter). The ONLY restriction I have (it is more precautionary than anything else) is that I cannot do anymore Thrill Rides at an amusement park, I cannot do any slides at a waterpark, I cannot ride horseback...basically I cannot do anything that might manipulate my neck. Of course, how often do I do those things...maybe once a year! So, unless somethin else happens, IF (and I do not want one) I hae another stroke, she waid that it will not likely be related to this one...it sounds like this is one and done. THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 2009 I have not posted in a few days...Ok, so I know that I have not posted in a few days. It has not been an oversight, I have just not had anything to write. However, tomorrow is another big day. I have an interview with KCWN in Pella about my stroke. I have spent the last few days just looking over the emails and the prayer requests for me. I have also looked at the surgeons report. I guess the best thing to say is that my situation was pretty grave. The surgeon that did my surgery said in his notes that surgery would MAYBE save my life, but it would not erase the deficiencies from the stroke. He told my wife that I might not ever be the same. Truthfully, he told my wife that I might not survive the surgery, but without the surgery I would certainly die from the swelling. All I know for sure is that no one, no Dr. has anticipated me being this far this soon. They said that I MIGHT get back some of my capacity back over time, but NOT NOW. That is one thing I have a perfect score on: EVERY Dr. said that I should have a recovery time of 6 months or more. I know it is overused, but only God knows why I was back in the pulpit in less than 2 months. I give all the credit first to God for every step I take, and second to the surgeon that did the surgery, because he had never done a surgery like mine before. I can only guess how he felt doing a surgery for the first time, and it was on ME. I may not have all the answers, but I know the person that has all the answers and one day I will get to see him face to face and ask Him why He spared my life.
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WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 2009 One thing that will probably not go away for a long time...I dont know what to write this morning. In truth, my situation has changed, and because of that everything has to change. But, at the same time, I HATE being treated like I am a stroke survivor. By this, I mean that every time I have borderline blood pressure, every time I have shortness of breath, every time I have some sort of pain, and every time I dont feel right people think I might be having another stroke, or worse. Never mind that the stroke specialist has already told me that this will probably never happen again. Never mind the fact that I can do other things generally well. It seems as though everything is being filtered by that one event. Now, I can deal with it. I am not going into a depression, I am not feeling worthless, it just annoys me. Maybe it shouldnt. Maybe I should just be grateful that people really care about me. OK, I do and I am. But it still annoys me. What I wonder is this: do people not trust me? I feel like EVERY situation MUST be worse than I think, EVERY situation MUST be something more than I am making it. No matter what I am experiencing, it is not a normal experience. Interesting, if I had a cold on December 8th, no one would think anything of a little coughing or a slight raise in blood pressure. BUT now my blood pressure has to STAY between 120 and 139 over 70 and 89. Regardless of whether I have a cold or not; regardless of if I feel bad or not. It is a little frustrating. I know, I know...it is only because people dont want a repeat of what happened. Granted. But, what happened to me is, by every Dr. estimate, a fluke. It was not caused by anything I did or did not do. It was caused by a collapsed artery in my chest, a tear, and a clot that went to my brain. My BP had NOTHING to do with my first stroke...Sorry, I just had to vent a little frustation. SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2009 I have had many occurrences of this...I guess it was the first time I had been caught this week at my office. I was in my Office Administrators office when I simply wiped my mouth. She said, quite astonished, Are you drooling? I answered, a little sheepishly Yes. The truth is I have
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had about one or two times a week of drooling. The nearest I can tell, it is because my muscles in my mouth are not fully recovered and strengthened from the stroke and sometimes it allows drool to leak out. I have gotten used to it, but, like I said, I got caught the other day. It is something I will have to live with until my mouth is strengthened, maybe for the rest of my life. It is not a big deal...it is just a little bit and I simply wipe my mouth. What brought it to my attention today is that I had to wipe my mouth while I was preaching today. I told my wife that I might have to start carrying a handkerchief with me... WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 2009 Okay, today was a good day for me...I know that when you are writing a blog about all the struggles and/or triumphs of recovering froma stroke, you are supposed to write about big stuff: Dr. appointments, handicapped parking, fishing licenses, riding bikes, etc. You know, big stuff. Today was big, but for a little reason. I mowed the grass today. Now, on the surface that seems like a small thing, and it probably is. But, when you realize all that I have been through, it was a real boost to my morale to be able to mow the grass without having to stop, without being REALLY tired afterward, basically, I mowed the grass like I did before. When I think about all the obstacles that I could be facing and all the roadblocks that many people face, being able to do anything is big, but mowing the grass, because it is a relatively menial task, takes on a bigger sense to me. I really feel normal: not that mowing the grass made me normal again, because I cannot erase what happened to me, but it made me FEEL normal again, and for that I am thankful and I really had a good day.
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CHAPTER 11
My new life
At this point, having gained some insight into the ways in which the stroke has affected me personally and having glimpsed some of the changes that my family has had to make, I will change my focus to my new life. I will only include those blog posts which pertain to my new life. THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2009 I am getting used to my new lifestyle...I met with my deacons the other night, as well as the Administrative Board of my church. I have to say that they were very supportive. They are advocating me taking the morning off on Mondays and then every afternoon off for awhile. They are also in favor of me having my Associate Pastor preach for me once a month if I need him to. It is still hard to adjust. I started my new schedule this week, and I do admit that I feel better, but the emotional is still hard to come to grips with, even though the physical is better. Tomorrow I will go to my first Iowa Baptist Conference meeting since my stroke. I am going on Friday night because the conference recorded a video of my testimony and they will show it Friday night. I am excited about that. I will be excited to get back to normal. I am really trying hard to be normal, maybe normal will just
come naturally if I just relax a little. It is just hard to relax, knowing what I have been through and what lies ahead. I will just try to take every day, and if I struggle, then I struggle. I will try not to allow each struggle to effect the next day so much. WEDNESDAY, MAY 27, 2009 I am struggling with my BP...Well, they are adjusting my BP medicine again. I appreciate the fact they want to minimize how many I take, but it is a little irritating to have a normal BP (130/80 is normal), and now I have BP readings that are all over the board. In the morning it is normal, and then it ranges from normal, to really high (165/105) at night. I have another appointment on Friday to follow up with the Dr. to try to give me a more normal BP. For the time, I am only on 20 mg of Lisinopril. I used to be on 20 mg of Lisinopril and 5 mg of Amlodipine. Since they took away the Amlodipine, my BP has been crazy. I dont know if the BP is normal while I adjust to the medications, or if I need to be on Amlodipine. The problem is that I want to self-medicate and just take the Amlodipine. The problem is that it may not be the best for me. I guess that I will have to wait until Friday to find out what I will be taking. I know, patience, patience, patience! FRIDAY, JUNE 12, 2009 I am having a new problem...You know, I told my wife last night that for the last 6 months I have been one big ball of pain. For the last 10 days or so, my back has been hurting. Not like I pulled a muscle or worked too hard, but I feel like my actual bones hurt. So, I am going to VA again today. The good thing is that this will be the first visit to the VA for a non-stroke visit in 5 1/2 months. The bad thing is, my back is really bothering me. It does not always hurt, but I fell it is more an aggravation. I hope it is just from working too hard and not the sign of another problem. I have had all the problems I can take for awhile. My cold seems to be subsiding a little, finally. I told some people in my church that I used to get a cold, be run-down for 3 or 4 days, and then be
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back, somewhat, to normal. But, now I have had this cold since the 31st of May. I just cannot seem to get better. I feel some better, then at night I get all congested and cough-y. This is unusual for me...I usually get better in a few days, not a few weeks. SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, 2009 I got the results of my scans...Before I begin, I think it is important to remind people that sometimes even the Dr. make mistakes. When I went for my MRA yesterday, they were going to do 2 tests: one MRI on my head, and an MRA on the vessels in my head. Dr. Davis had ordered an MRA of the vessels in my chest, too, to make sure the artery in my chest is not making its own bypass. Well, when I told them about the MRA of my chest, they said they would have to call because they did not have paperwork on it. Sure enough, they were supposed to be doing a chest MRA, so they wound up doing 3 tests instead of 2. And the results are..................I am doing very well. Dr. Benjamin said my MRI looked GREAT; no changes, which is good. My MRAs show that the artery in my chest is NOT forming its own bypass, meaning that the artery is totally occluded - that is, if a blood clot goes to my brain again, it wont be through that artery. Really, I dont know that I could have had better test results. The strokes are still there, obviously, but there is nothing new to report. Overall, it was a really good visit. MONDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2009 I had another follow up with Physical Therapy todayI have been having some problems with weakness in my left leg lately. It bothered me, a little, and I decided to go to the Dr. He gave me a consult to Physical Therapy. They told me a couple things; one I already knew, but feared and the second I anticipated but did not know for sure. The thing I already knew was that the muscles in my legs are strong and fine. There is no deficiency in the strength of my legs. What I feared was that the problem is really a
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neurological problem, balance issue and not a strength issue. Where this can be a problem is that this problem probably will not get better but will, over time, get worse. That was no surprise; what was a surprise was that there are exercises I can do that can hopefully teach me to regain balance. In other words, the nerves probably will not get better, I can just relearn how to do certain things. The weakness is not, in truth, weakness; it is a balance issue. So, I have some more exercises to do over time that will hopefully re-teach myself how to do some things. I will keep you posted on how things go. MONDAY, JANUARY 25, 2010 This is getting repetitively redundant...I know that it has been awhile since I last posted...in fact, it was quite awhile before Christmas. Several significant events have transpired since my last post...I celebrated the one year anniversary of the day I was released from the ICU, I celebrated the 1 year anniversary of the day I was released from Methodist Medical Center, I celebrated the 1 year anniversary of my release from the VA, and I celebrated the 1 year anniversary of my return to the church; in short (I know, too late), this has been a busy time. Perhaps most significant has been my MRI in Des Moines. This MRI was done off the VA campus and it was the first MRI conducted by someone other than the VA. When the MRI tech finished the first set of pictures, she came on the intercom and asked how long ago my stroke was. When I answered it was 12 months ago, she just said, Huh... and that was all she said. I worried for the next 2 weeks about what that Huh meant. On January 22, I had another follow up with my neurologist and she said that probably it was because of what my scans showed...at leas 75% of my cerebellum is either gone, dead or not functioning. In addition, there are 2 relatively large infarctions in my brain stem. In short, the MRI tech probably cannot believe that someone with that scan is walking into the office. What it says to me is that my recovery is truly miraculous...not just that the VA neurologists have never seen a recovery like this, but no one has ever seen a recovery like this. It is very humbling to think that the Lord has seen fit to bestow this
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recovery on me...He has allowed me to share my experiences with my fellow classmates on Liberty. edu, He has allowed me to share my experiences with my church; He has allowed me to share my experiences with my fellow pastors and their churches. So, what does this mean for me? I really dont know. I still worry each day that my ability to overcome my situation will come to a screeching halt; that does not seem very likely but it is a constant concern. I would be lying if I said that I did not worry every time I walk on the ice, or get up in the middle of the night. But, for right now, I am simply trusting the Lord to give me the abilities to follow Him every day. FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2010 Someone reminded me of something very important today...After reading my blog post from yesterday (i.e. me complaining about my wait at the VA), someone made a very simple and yet profound statement to another person about me. The comment was, Listen to the dead guy complaining about the wait at the VA. I do have to remember that the worst wait is just an inconvenience; it is small in comparison to the alternative - DEAD. Thanks for putting up with me whining about my wait and please dont hesitate to remind me to be thankful for all the blessings that I have...this winter, although it is seemingly endless, is just a nuisance; the car-line at school, even though some people dont know how to drive, are just irritations. In truth, anything above ground is very good. Thank you, God, for every day that I am alive. WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2010 Heading to my TBI appointment todayI have been referred to the TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) appointment today. I have had some problems lately with jumpiness in my left eye and have had balance issues (more than usual) lately. Last week (either Tuesday or Wednesday) I stood up and then fell back into my chair. This is not the first time it has happened, but I have just learned how to deal with it. Also, last weekend (October 2) I lost
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my balance carrying groceries in from the truck. I wound up on the ground for a second. I did not hurt myself at all, but I did lose my balance. I do not have balance problems on a regular basis, but it is foolishness on my part to believe that the balance issues do not exist. The other day, perhaps 3 months ago, I lost my balance in church while I was preaching and had to steady myself on one of the edges of the staircase. Apparently I did a good job of disguising it, because no one seemed to notice; but that does happen from time to time. Again, these are just things that I deal with and most people do not seem to notice. SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2010 After a short visit to the ER, here is what I found...I found out something that I had already known; that is, that the jumpiness in my eyes and the uncontrolled blood pressure is in reality a side effect of the initial stroke. Because my stroke affected my brain stem, as I get tired my brain no longer has the ability to compensate for my weakness. Although the Dr. did say that it is theoretically possible that I am having a new round of TIAs, it not really a viable possibility because I do not have any other symptoms: headache, dizziness and nausea. The only symptom I have of a TIA is blood pressure that goes relatively quickly from normal (130/85) to very low (115/65) to very high (176/104). (By quickly, I mean in a matter of days, not hours). So, he told me what I already know: the best treatment is to get more rest, relax and give my body time to completely relax when I have down time. WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2010 Sometimes I forget how others are effected...Today I ran into my daughters 4th grade teacher. As we were chatting, she told me that she was grading a recent test and one of the answers made her cry. In Social Studies, they are talking about planning events and how it might not happen exactly as was planned. On the test, the question asked was Name a time that you planned something that did not happen the way you expected. My daughter wrote that she had been planning a birthday party, but then her daddy had
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a stroke so it did not happen. I almost fell apart at the school; I have spent so much time focusing on my own difficulties that I did not take the time to think how others are still dealing with the situation. Yes, it was nearly 2 years ago, but that does not erase the difficulties that some have had dealing with the result of that event. So, thanks Mrs. Kamp for reminding me that, even though I sometimes do not hear about those difficulties, it does not mean they do not exist. ***I continue to struggle, but I am doing better all the time. My Blood Pressure continues to be a work in progress, but the TBI clinic just thinks that, since the stroke effected my brain stem and the PONS area of my brain, it will be very difficult to keep in regulated all the time. As has been the story for the last 2+ years, I am simply thankful for the time the Lord has given me with my kids, with the church and with my wife. For those of you that have been regularly praying for me, thank you. I really do appreciate it.***
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APPENDIX 1
Doctor notes
ADMISSION DATE: 12/10/2008 CHIEF COMPLAINT: Bilateral cerebellar infarction HISTORY OF PRESENT ILLNESS: The patient was sent over emergently from the VA by the neurologist. He apparently a couple weeks ago had a cold and was treating himself with cold symptom medications. There is also one report that he had undergone chiropractic manipulation but apparently talking with family it was not a chiropractor it was just a massage therapist and there was really no substantial manipulation of his neck. Regardless, two nights ago he said he really did not feel well at all and went to bed. He woke up at 4:00 in the morning and had significant vertigo, headache and nausea and vomiting so they did ultimately take him into the emergency room. A head computerized axial tomography scan at that time was negative. They did do a lumbar puncture to make sure he did not have any signs or symptoms of infection given he history of cold symptoms which apparently by report was negative. He was sent to the VA for further evaluation. Subsequently he has been diagnosed with cerebellar infarctions based on computerized axial tomography scans and magnetic resonance imaging scans that were
performed and fortunately these are bilateral and they appear to involve the pica distribution. However the concerning things is apparently the patient yesterday was wide awake and lucid and today progressively over the day has become significantly more lethargic and developed bilateral extraocular motility defects. Because of this, they obtained a scan which shows early hydrocephalus as well as significant posterior fossa swelling. PHYSICAL EXAMINATION GENERAL: He is a very lethargic patient that will arouse with stimulation. He will answer a few questions with simple yes and no answers but it sounds like he has significantly gone downhill even over the last several hours. NEUROLOGIC: He has extraocular motility that is very hard to characterize but I do think it looks like interocular ophthalmoplegia or perhaps polycranial nerve involvement but clearly abnormal. His pupils are small and remain perhaps minimally reactive. He does seem to have diminished gag response. He does move his extremities but it is hard to get a detailed examination but Babinski is present bilaterally on exam. Gait and station were not tested. CARDIOVASCULAR: Regular rate and rhythm. LUNGS: Appear to be clear but the breath sound are somewhat diminished IMPRESSION: This gentleman has the above mentioned problems. I have had a chance to look at the films. I have reviewed them with our radiologist. Initially the films were not available but they did finally show up from the VA. In the interim, since we really did not know exactly what was going on we did get a computerized axial tomography scan so we have been able to compare this. It looks like he has got fairly extensive pica infarcts of the bilateral cerebellar hemispheres. Because of this, I think we will plan doing a midline decompression in light of his deterioration where we will try to do stroke resection bilaterally and patch the dura as best we can to give it room for swelling. The patient also probably would benefit from an external
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ventricular drain at least in the short-term given the significant problem that he has. I was fairly frank with the family that obviously surgery is not going to change his overall course with respect to the stroke. He will still have deficits from this even if he does survive. What surgery is is an attempt at saving his life because of the progressive swelling that he has developed and an the anticipation that this is heading downhill fast enough that he will die from the brain stem compression. They do understand that the stroke still may progress and he may be significantly disabled or even die despite doing surgery that surgery does have risks of infection, cerebrospinal fluid leakage that might require pseudomeningocele repair at a later date particularly since we may not be able to get watertight dura closure if there is significant swelling. We also did discuss the risk of intracranial hemorrhage, infection and they wished to proceed with surgical intervention. John G. Piper, M.D.
CT HEAD WO CONTRAST INDICATION: History of bilateral cerebellar infarcts COMPARISON: There is no previous imaging for comparison TECHNIQUE: 5 mm images of the brain were performed without intravenous contrast administration FINDINGS: There are areas of decreased attenuation identified in the cerebellar hemispheres bilaterally. This may represent bilateral PICA infarcts. Other etiologies for vasogenic edema cannot be excluded. The previous imagining on this patient is not available for comparison. There is compromise of the fourth ventricle. Mild hydrocephalus is consistent with mass effect. IMPRESSION: There are areas of decreased attenuation within the cerebellar hemispheres bilaterally. By history, these represent areas of infarc-
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tions on the previous MRI examination. That examination is not available for comparison. CT HEAD WO CONTRAST: CRANIOTOMY FOLLOW-UP FINDINGS: Head CT without contrast: a ventricular shunt catheter enters the right frontal region. Its tip projects near the midline in the right lateral ventricle. The ventricles are within normal limits in size. There is no evidence of focal cerebral abnormality or hemorrhage. Postoperative changes present in the posterior fossa. Regions of increased density and air bubbles are present centrally within both cerebellar hemispheres. The occipital craniectomy has been performed. IMPRESSION: Postoperative Change. Apparent bilateral cerebellar resection sites are present. Air bubbles are present at both sites.
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APPENDIX 2
The diagnoses from various doctor visits
12/12/08 MRI of the brain and skull reported craniectomy changes of the posterior fossa; extensive areas of infarction of the cerebellar hemispheres in the PICA distribution as well as the pons and middle cerebellar penduncles. 4/23/09 VA neurology note: noted to have mild nystagmus on lateral gaze and mild 6th cranial nerve palsy with slight left facial droop. 1/6/11 DIAGNOSES: Stroke, affecting the bilateral cerebellum and pons, due to dissected vertebral artery, with the residuals of: fatiguing, mild dysphagia, mild aphasia, left hemiparesis with mild weakness and fatiguing and lack of endurance of left extremities, episodic tremors, episodic dizziness, headache from occipital muscle tension headaches, intermittent tinnitus. Although there is no evidence of damage to cranial nerve VI nor VII per se; the veteran has had damage to the pons, the area where the cranial nerves originate, the dizziness and tinnitus are consistent with inappropriate processing of signal coming from the labyrinth and cochlea along CN VIII to the areas of the brain damaged in the strokes.
APPENDIX 3
I am in the middle of a crisis, what now?
any times tragedies come into the lives of people who dont know how to respond properly. Questions swirl in their minds: Why me? Why now? Why this? What do I do? Where can I go? Who can I talk to? Please understand, first, that these questions are perfectly normal. It seems popular to say that those questions are not helpful; although it might be true that they are not, they are natural. There are just a few suggestions that I can give, based upon my experiences. First, know that our circumstances do not change Gods character. He is still good, regardless of what might be happening to us. The one thing I tried to communicate to my family was this: even if things do not work out well for me, God is still good; regardless of what happens to me it does not change Gods character. Second, I would make this suggestion: never give up, never let your situation dictate what you do. When I was in therapy, Liz, my physical therapist, asked me if I needed a break. My response was simple: I have twenty-three hours to rest; I will not take a break now. I had to trust that my therapist knew what she was doing and would not do anything to hurt me, but would do everything to help me. If I have learned any one thing from my circumstance it would be this: my best is ALWAYS good enough,
regardless of how bad it might seem to me; LESS than my best is NEVER good enough, regardless of how good it might seem to me. Third, I would suggest this: learn to talk TO your shepherd. In Psalm 23, the psalm is, really, divided into two sections. In the first three verses, David, the psalmist, talks ABOUT his shepherd: The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his names sake. He spent the majority of his time speaking ABOUT his shepherd. But, when he went through a great trial, he spoke TO his shepherd: Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Did you notice that he changed his focus? He spoke TO the shepherd. When you are in the midst of a trial, please know that you can speak TO your shepherd. Finally, I would always remember the words from Psalm 3:5: I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the LORD sustained me. Seldom did I reflect upon those words and rely on them as sincerely as in the days following my stroke and during my hospitalization. I had to know that it was the Lord who sustained me; my own strength was not sufficient to provide any miracle. Whatever happened to me was always perfect; not because it was inherently good, but because God did it and that meant it was good, even if it did not seem so to me and my family.
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APPENDIX 4
Lauras thoughts
I really thought it would be a nice addition for you to read what my wife was thinking and what she was going through during this time. As I have said, those days are quite fuzzy and I do not have a good assessment of what happened. For instance, I do not remember having conversations with anyone from mid-afternoon December 8, until about December 18, but my wife tells me that I did. So, here are her thoughts, in her words, about that period of time.
ecember 8, 2008, marks the beginning of life as I now know it that day started out as any other daythe kids went to school, my husband had the day off and I went to work and the day progressed as usual. When my husband picked me up for lunch, he told me he still wasnt feeling up to par. Hed been suffering from a cold for three weeks or so. We chatted over lunch and went back to work. That evening I did not get off work until 6:30; Jim picked me up from work and we went to Hardees for supper. We visited while we ate and then we went to Wal-Mart. Jim had been talking to one of the ladies from our church, but then we left and went to pick up our girls from dance class. Jim called his dad to wish him a happy birthday; while speaking with his brother I heard Jim say that he still wasnt feeling very well. From there we went home and Jim went to lie down on the bed. I cleaned up in the kitchen, got the girls ready for bed, and then I went in to check on Jim. I had him get up and take out his contacts. On his way back to the bed he
stumbled some, but when he laid down and closed his eyes he said he felt better. As long as he kept his eyes closed he wasnt dizzy. I thought maybe he had vertigo. We both fell asleep and I awoke again at 4 a.m. to the sounds of Jim stumbling and banging into the walls trying to get to the bathroom. I got up and helped him in the bathroom and then helped him back to the bed. He told me his head hurt and the room was spinning when he had his eyes opened. I called our local emergency department. They recommended we wait until 8:00 a.m. and contact Jims primary care doctor. I got off the phone and told Jim what they had suggested. Now he was shifting side to side holding each side of his head. I decided to call another area emergency department. This time they had me call the 24-hour nurse help line. I spoke with the nurse first and then she asked if Jim could speak with her. He did talk with the nurse for what I believe was probably fifteen minutes or more. He was lucid and his speech was not slurred. She recommended we go to our local emergency room. When I helped Jim sit up to get his sweatshirt on he began to vomit. I helped him to the bathroom and got him cleaned up. I went downstairs to wake up our sixteen-year-old son to help me get his dad into our vehicle. When we arrived at the emergency room, Jims blood pressure was 167/109. He was nauseated and had a headache. They took some blood for lab work and gave him medication for the nausea and pain. As the medications took effect Jim was relaxed and chatty. Several members of our congregation came up and Jim visited with them all. The doctor ordered a spinal tap because she believed Jim was suffering from spinal meningitis. I signed the form to allow the procedure. (I later was to learn that when you are stroking in that area of your brain performing a spinal tap creates a sort of vacuum and can cause instantaneous death.) The spinal tap came back negative. Because Jim is a veteran, arrangements were made to transfer him to the VA hospital in Des Moines. When I reached the hospital Jim was comfortably situated in the emergency room. He was coherent, joking around, and feeling pretty well. The doctor said they would admit Jim for hypertension and a stomach virus. He would most likely be discharged the following day and sent home with blood pressure medications. Friends from church and I went out to lunch after Jim was settled in
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his room. When I returned from lunch Jim was very sleepy. The nurse said it was the effect of the medication. I plugged in his cell phone and told him I was going home to get the kids and I would call him once I got there. I gave him a kiss and went home. I picked up our kids from a friends house. We had no school that day due to an ice storm so the kids had enjoyed a very fun day with friends. I went to Wal-Mart, put gas in the vehicle, took the kids to McDonalds, and called Jim. He told me he was feeling better but now his blood pressure was 200/50. I asked him to please call for a nurse right away. We got off the phone. My daughter wanted to talk with her daddy so I called him again. No answer. We tried several more times. No success. I got home and looked up the VA phone number on the internet and was connected with a nurse at the nursing station; she told me the doctor was trying to reach me. I was beginning to get very anxious. The doctor called me back a short time later. He told me Jim was experiencing left-sided numbness and weakness and his blood pressure was spiking. They did another CT scan. (The first CT scan had been done at our local ER and had been negative.) The doctor told me this scan looked normal to him as well but he was sending it off to an internet radiologist to confirm. Our associate pastor picked me up and drove me to Des Moines for which I will forever be grateful. He talked with me and kept my mind off of fearing the worst. When we arrived Jim had been moved to a private room because he had again vomited. He was very, very lethargic. He would answer questions when we talked with him but he didnt initiate conversation. His blood pressure was normal at this point. Our associate pastor left around 2:30 a.m. I believe. Jim needed assistance to use the restroom so I called the nurse. They ended up inserting a catheter. By 8:00 the next morning Jim was again experiencing weakness and numbness on the left side, double vision, and very slurred speech. The doctor came in and said he was going to put in a consult with the neurologist. Fortunately, the neurologist came in around 11:30, I believe. She opened one of Jims eyes and said, Oh no. She opened his other eye and said that Jim needed a scan right now. He was scheduled for a MRI at another hospital at 3:45 that afternoon. She said he could not wait for that. They immediately took Jim down for another CT scan and an MRI. After the CT scan the neu109
rologist, Dr. Benjamin, came to the waiting area and took me to her office. On the way up to her office she asked me if Jim had suffered any trauma to the back of his head. I told her he had not. She took me into her office along with another staff member and had me sit down. She told me that even without waiting for the MRI results she knew exactly what was happening with Jim. He was stroking on both sides of his cerebellum and his brain stem. She said that the swelling would eventually compress the brain stem to the point Jim would slip into a coma and die. I asked her, Is there any hope? She told me they could try to do a procedure to relieve the swelling. She called it a decompressive craniotomy. She told me that normally the process would be that they would send the patient to the VA hospital in Iowa City where the neurosurgeons are located but in Jims case he wouldnt survive the trip. She asked what hospital in Des Moines I would like him to go to and I left that to her discretion. She then asked me if there was anyone she could call for memy mom, maybe? I shared with her that my mom had passed away five weeks earlier. I did ask her if she would call Jims parents and explain the situation to them. Thats another thing Im forever grateful for. My heart was breaking and I just didnt want to be the one to deliver that kind of news to his parents. I left her office and remember going into a bathroom. I locked the door and laid on the floor. I remember thinking of all the times in scripture that God performed a miracle for His people. I remembered doing the Bible study by Beth Moore, Believing God. I called out to God and told him that I KNOW He is the God of miracles and I know He can spare Jims life IF He chooses to. I begged Him to save Jims life. I then went to Jims room. I saw the cup of ice I had been using to wet his parched lips. I remember crying and wondering if that would be the last act of love Id ever do for him. Our associate pastor arrived in the room with me and hugged me while I asked him what on earth I would tell our kids. He and the nursing staff helped me gather up our belongings and we went down to wait with Jim for the ambulance that would take him to Methodist Hospital. I was allowed to ride in the ambulance to the hospital with Jim. When we arrived, and when they took him out of the ambulance, he said his head hurt. They took him into a trauma room and immediately he was given
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attention. They performed another CT and then the doctor came in to speak with me. By now quite a few people from church had arrived and two of my co-workers had picked up our children and were on their way up to the hospital. The doctor told me that the damage from the strokes was very extensive. The only hope of survival was to do the surgery the neurologist recommended. He also told me that surgery was only an attempt to save his life but it would not diminish the affects of the stroke. I dont think I understood exactly what he was telling me at that time. I didnt realize then that if Jim survived he would most likely be like an infant, able to take in information but unable to communicate, walk, talk, feed himself, etc. I know Jim wouldnt want to live like that. I told the doctor to go ahead with the surgery. Then our children arrived. I knelt down and drew them close to me. I told them that God loves their daddy even more than we do. I told them daddy had an injury in his head and he was bleeding internally. I told them the doctor was going to do surgery but daddy might be going to Heaven today. I told them that daddy would want us to remember that God is good all the time. No matter what is going on in our life, God is still good. Bad things that happen in our lives do not change Gods character. We all cried together. Then came the time to take Jim into surgery. The staff directed everyone else to the waiting area and the nurse who was transporting Jim had the girls and me follow her. She took us into a room and pulled up a chair so our youngest daughter, Madelyn, could stand on the chair to reach her daddys face to tell him she loved him. Our oldest daughter, Shaylee, dripped tears on her daddys face and gown as she told him how much she loved him. I watched as our oldest child, Brendan, stroked his dads face and told him how much he loved him. Then I got close to Jim and kissed him and told him how much I loved himhow much we all loved and needed him. I looked over then at the nurse and she had tears streaming down her face. She asked what his profession was. I told her he was a pastor. She asked if she could quick contact her church and have him put on their prayer chain. I absolutely agreed to that! I was thankful that God had provided men and
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women of faith to surround Jim at this time. We left that little room and the nurse took Jim one direction and we went the other. I took our kids into the waiting area that was filled with so many of our friends from two different churches we had served. I was so thankful because I knew all the prayers that were going up on Jims behalf. We waited four and one-half hours and then the surgeon came out and told us that things had gone very well. He said that when he began removing as much dead/damaged tissue as he could Jims brain receded back into the cavity and began to pulse normally. He said that was a very good sign. He made it clear to me that we were on step 1 of 100 but if he could have chosen how he wanted this first step to go it went perfectly. Now you know how it all started from my perspective. Jim and I will be celebrating our 20th anniversary this year. I am so thankful that God joined us together in this crazy partnership called marriage and that He chose to heal Jim and give us more time together here on this earth. At the time of his stroke Jim was thirty-eight years old, I was thirty-five, Brendan was sixteen, Shaylee was ten, and Madelyn was seven. This event seemingly came out of nowhere. Nothing could have prepared any of us for this. However, I can say with certainty that God carried us through. All of us. Life now truly is different. Nothing will ever be the same as it was before his stroke. I can honestly say that some things are better. I have a greater appreciation for life. I have a deeper understanding that life is fragile and fleeting. It is not to be taken for granted. It is a most precious gift from God. Each time one of my girls crawls up on my husbands lap I feel myself clouding up to rain. So full of gratitude that their daddy is still here to hold them when they are happy, when they are sad, when they are hurting. Each time Brendan calls and talks with his dad to get his advice and share an inside joke my heart just melts. Each time Jim and I take a walk together or watch a movie or watch our kids having fun I am reminded again of how much God has blessed us. He is a great God. He is faithful. I would NEVER have chosen for Jim to go through what hes gone through but I believe God has a plan for each of us and even though the path He takes us on is difficult He doesnt leave us to travel it alone. My family and I were surrounded by Gods wonderful people and we were the recipients of their generosity. They willingly gave of their
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time and their finances. They shared our grief and our joys. I thank God for His faithfulness to us and the faithfulness of His people. I dont know why God spared Jims life and yet weve begged God to spare the lives of others in the past and His answer has been no. I am learning that God is God and I am not. I dont have to understand His decisions. I just need to trust Him, to lean on Him. I believe that His plans for Jim, me, Brendan, Shaylee and Maddy are good plans. I trust Him when He says He will work all things together for goodhowever, not ALL THINGS are good. As we move forward our prayer and hope is that God will use what Hes done in Jims life to bring Him glory and to touch people whove been hurt, whove lost loved ones, who might be filled with bitterness and anger towards God. Jim says on a regular basis from the pulpit, God is good no matter what your circumstances areand he believes it.
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APPENDIX 5
Requests for prayers

The following are a series of emails that were sent from the Iowa Baptist Conference office to the churches in Iowa, recording their thoughts on my surgery and recovery.
December 10, 2008 Dear IBC Pastors & Friends, Pastor Jim Mead of Knoxville has been hospitalized at Methodist Hospital in Des Moines and was rushed into emergency surgery Weds. 12-10-08 at 4 pm. Jim has had a series of strokes and is in serious condition. Surgery if possible is 50/50. Please be in prayer for Jim and Laura and their family. Please do not call Laura. She is in contact with the church family and close friends are with her. We will update this as soon as we know anything. Pastor Mike Fendley, Stratford FBC
December 11, 2008, 9:30 am To All Who Prayed! The effect of our prayers is so powerful. It is the God of all creation who hears our prayers. He listens with compassion and mercy to the cries of our hearts... and responds perfectly to the love He hears expressed by His people for one another. Laura Mead told me last night that following the insertion of the shunts, the surgeon reported, We have a long way to go. But if you could choose how each step were to go along the way, this first step has gone as well as anyone would have wanted it to go! This is not over. Jim will remain sedated and on a ventilator for several days... facing damage unknown to us... but fully known to God... and within His deepest healing touch. He is not finished yet. He still wants to hear from us. And so we continue to cry out for mercy and grace. Keep praying. I will be heading to Methodist hospital (Des Moines) this morning... and will report what I learn. Skip Hansen, Director of Transition December 12, 2008,11:30 am To All Who are Praying! ...waiting day-by-day and hour-by-hour for those small improvements which demonstrate the healing power of an awesome God... even hidden deep within the individual cells of a human brain. Jim started running a fever late yesterday... and perhaps seems weaker. And yet, He opens his eyes when someone speaks... and he can grip the appropriate hand when asked to do so. He even raised his hand in welcome to a friend! In prayer... lets offer up to the God the glory we can/will give HIM for what He mercifully does with this young mans life! Skip Hansen Director of Transition
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December 15, 2008, morning report To All Who are Praying! You wont believe it! Hes standing upright... but only for several seconds. Talking... but a bit garbled to the listener. Eating... through a nasal tube?! Yummy! Knows the right year... at least most of the time. Spacey... but not all the time! Getting somewhat stronger... but too weak to notice the difference. And weaker... because of all the effort! It is a mixed report of wonder and awe at the good grace of God! A recent conversation between the doctor and Laura went something like this: Laura... How is Jim really doing? Is he on the normal track (timewise) for recovery? The doctor responded... We are way beyond all that. We are into the miraculous. Medical Prognosis: The doctors are now saying the journey will be long, but they see potential for a full recovery! Now THATs good news... or shall I say God News! Yes, I shall! Skip Hansen Director of Transition
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Living The Life of A Miracle

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Living The Life of A Miracle

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Living the Life of a Miracle

Finding Gods grace during a deep trial