10 Secrets of Emotional Intelligence 4-22

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence
How to use your emotions as a guide to career and business success
by Gail Sussman Miller
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Welcome to Your Emotional Intelligence Guide to Success
What if you could reduce or even avoid conflicts at work?

What if you could elicit more volunteerism, cooperation and collaboration from others? What might happen if you could better manage your initial emotional reactions to incidents and then respond vs. react? Imagine being better able to seek agreement with others with less judgment and more ease?
That is the power of emotional intelligence. Your starter kit awaits you!
Inspired ChoiceTM
2009 Gail Sussman Miller
Gail Sussman Miller

www.inspiredchoice.com
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About Sharing this eBook This eBook is a gift for your personal use. You are a lifelong
learner and seeker and you asked for this eBook. I hope that you will find value and inspiration to create positive change in your work world and in life. I encourage you to share this eBook with others, along with the various offers included, by referring friends and colleagues to the Emotional Intelligence area of the www.InspiredChoice.com site so they can sign up for their own copy. This is the direct web address: www.inspiredchoice.com/emotional-intelligence/. I request that you do not send them a copy of this eBook file directly. This protects the integrity of this eBook and makes sure your friends get signed up in the Inspired Choice system. That will ensure they receive the same follow-up and future offers you will receive.
Thanks for your integrity in this matter. I appreciate that and I appreciate you!
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Table of Contents
Page Welcome . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . About Sharing this eBook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Introduction . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . How to Use this eBook . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . What is Emotional Intelligence? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Secret #2 Take Response-ability . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Secret #3 Know Your Self . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Secret #4 What is about Me vs. Them . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Secret #5 Seek to Neutralize Events. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Secret #6 Operate from Love, Not Fear . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . i ii iv vii 1 4 7 9 12 15 19
Secret #7 Agreement without Judgment . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 22 Secret #8 Create Moments of Stillness . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 24 Secret #9 Design Alliances . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27 Secret #10 Hold a Bigger Vision . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 30 About Gail Sussman Miller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 34 Emotional Intelligence Training Results . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35 More Opportunities to Learn . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 36
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Introduction How do we leap into playing bigger, doing what seems scary,
and stretching ourselves? Often we are called forth by a challenge, a competition, a dare, a reward, a vision. Well, I was called forth by a coach, author and friend, Lynn Serafinn. Its fun to share how this eBook came to be written, my first. If you have ever given any thought whatsoever to writing a book (perhaps youve thought about it for many years), it may inspire you to hear what ignited me into action. I wanted to support Lynn in her April 7, 2009 launch of her wonderfully inspiring and spiritual first self-published book, The Garden of the Soul. Lynn invited me to join 25 other colleagues to offer a free gift as a thank you for purchasing her book. Foremost, I have a passion for sharing the power of emotional intelligence and so I am always looking for platforms to do so. (Hmm, from a Law of Attraction viewpoint I asked and I was given that which I desire!) I saw an opportunity to reach a large audience and to gain exposure to my work. I wanted to be a YES! no matter what and therefore; I only had 3 weeks in which to create this eBook! I love a good challenge and a tight deadline helps me turn obstacles like fear, which begets procrastination, into opportunity and action. The real challenge was
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to avoid perfectionism. As a recovering perfectionist, I practiced a new mantra -- completion not perfection. So, there may be a stray word here and there. I wanted you to get this knowledge NOW! Lynn encouraged me to start with my existing one-page list of 10 ways to boost emotional intelligence. I first created the tips as a summary to a business workshop I delivered. She helped me see that all I had to do was simply flush out each of the 10 secrets and, voila! I would fill an eBook. Easy! Actually, thats the essence of a great marketing concept; repurposing! Its taking something youve created in one deliverable format, like my tips page, and reformulating it into an eBook, workbook, audio product, video, etc. I didnt have to start with a blank page and could be inspired by my own first effort. Finally, for all you book-writing-wannabees, I realized that a self-published eBook requires no publisher approval, no huge manuscript, almost no processing and no cost besides my time. All I needed to do was to accept the challenge, make the commitment, focus on capturing my knowledge and my bottom-line desire to motivate YOU into a new mindset and new habits. I happily share with you the result of this process. Now its my turn to call you forth. What valuable lessons have you had in life that, combined with your unique perspective, and can be encapsulated into 10 tips of your own? How can you inspire and teach others? Give
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this 10 minutes of thought and email me your ideas! Ill help you take the next step to get started! Truly. I mean it. Really. So thank you, Lynn, for the power of your coaching, helping me see the ease of this eBook, and giving me a platform from which to share it. I cant wait to write my next book, e or otherwise.
As you read this eBook, I hope youll find one new emotional intelligence practice that inspires you to get to better know, appreciate, accept and love yourself. In doing so, you will be better able to observe, know, understand and accept others. This eBook will help you increase your consciousness about how you think, feel and act in interactions with your fellow human travelers. While this material is geared towards using emotional intelligence skills in your work world, you will benefit greatly in the fiber of all your relationships in life. Heres to your success. Gail Sussman Miller
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How to Use this eBook There are two ways you can use this eBook.
You can read it
through from start to finish, of course. Or you can skim the Table of Contents and the 10 secrets and dive in on the one that appeals to you the most. I recommend reading the What is Emotional Intelligence chapter and then let your intuition be your guide. To gain immediate benefit*, select one secret to practice in your business or personal life right away. Notice your instinctive thoughts, feelings and reactions. Then increase your awareness and mindfully choose a response vs. an automated, unconscious reaction. See what the impact is on your mood and on others with whom you interact at work. At the end of each secret, you will see an Activity
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arrow. This will offer you an option to stop and think,
consider new perspectives and perhaps a way to practice the secret. Be patient. Be open to new learning and letting go of old beliefs and ways of acting. These are new ways of thinking, new habits, and new muscles you are developing. Dont strain yourself! Experiment, observe and notice the subtle changes in how you feel about your Self and others.
* The author makes no guarantee of success or outcome for which this material is used.
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What is Emotional Intelligence? Research suggests that a person's emotional intelligence,

measured as their emotional quotient (EQ), might be a greater predictor of success than his or her intelligence quotient (IQ), despite an assumption that people with high IQs will naturally accomplish more in life. In 1995, psychologist Daniel Goleman popularized this term with his book Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. (Source: www.ivillage.com) Emotional intelligence is a set of skills that defines how effectively you perceive, understand, reason with and manage yours and other people's feelings and emotions. Many traditionalists dont think emotion belongs in the business world as a topic. Gladly times are changing. We now not only know how important emotions are to the inner workings of business, we are beginning to talk about it and raise awareness of its power in relationships. It is vital to realize that your thoughts influence your feelings, feelings lead to actions and therefore results. The good news is that you have more tools available to you for building your career or business and making decisions than just your intellect or mind. Your emotions and your body have intelligence systems of their own.
Thoughts influence feelings, feelings lead to actions and therefore results.
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The more you understand what your needs are and how your emotions get triggered by external factors, the better able you are to internally manage your emotions and choose how to respond rather than simply react as if without control. Daniel Goleman researched leaders in nearly 200 large, global companies and found that while the qualities traditionally associated with leadership, such as
GOOD NEWS! Emotional intelligence can be learned and improved. It has a 2 to 1 success ratio over IQ and technical skills!
intelligence, toughness, determination, and vision -- are required for success, they are
insufficient. Truly effective leaders are also distinguished by a high degree of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, according to Goleman, is made up of the following components:
self-awareness: the ability to recognize and understand your moods, emotions and drive, as well as your effect on others
self-regulation: the ability to control or redirect disruptive impulses and moods and the ability to suspend judgment and think before acting
motivation: a passion to work for reasons that go beyond money or status and a propensity to pursue goals with energy and persistence
empathy: the ability to understand the emotional makeup of other people and skill in treating people according to their emotional reactions
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social skill proficiency in managing relationships and building networks and an ability to find common ground and build rapport."
In this research, quoted from a 1998 Harvard Business Review article, Goleman said, "... when I calculated the ratio of technical skills, IQ, and emotional intelligence as ingredients of excellent performance, emotional intelligence proved to be twice as important as the others for jobs at all levels." If you are curious about trying a free EQ assessment, Google "emotional intelligence test" and you'll see several, including one at www.ivillage.com. I cannot vouch for their accuracy. I think they can give you food for thought just in the questions they ask.
Now, lets dive in on Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware. It is the basis for success with emotional intelligence and life.
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Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware

How mindful are you of what goes on around and inside you?
This secret is listed first because its the key to applying the
others. Its a critical step to help you make decisions, take action and respond to others with awareness. Being conscious and aware requires turning off the mindless, unconscious cruise control and living awake and present, living in the moment. Can you think of a time when you drove your car somewhere and when you arrived you didnt remember actually driving there? It was as if you had an autopilot installed in your car and it drove itself. Thats a sure sign that you were just mindful enough to be safe but perhaps not conscious enough to experience the ride fully. Boosting your emotional intelligence requires more fully experiencing your Self and the world around you. As Eckhart Tolle teaches in his book, A New Earth, our deepest inner purpose is to be conscious, awake and present. When we are able to keep our attention and focus in this moment, we experience less ego-driven thinking and avoid fear. Fear lives in the past when we replay events which trigger shame, guilt and worry about repeating the past. Fear lives in the future where we try to
Our deepest inner purpose is to be conscious, awake and present
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anticipate, manipulate, control and insure or avoid events we dont want to experience. Giving attention to these fears attracts more of the same thoughts and takes a lot of energy. When you are present, you step into an observer mode. That takes you out of ego. This means you are less likely to try to impress or fake being better than others, a behavior that is often easily triggered in the work world. We think we need to appear to be more than; smarter than, richer than, quicker than, more important, more promotable, more indispensable, etc. Imagine the fear you or someone you know might feel when the boss asks for the status of a project that is behind schedule or if a customer asks a question and the business owner doesnt know the answer. Some might fudge the answer or respond with a cover up to protect the truth. It is a projection of fear of the future, being fired or losing a customer. A knee-jerk reaction might be to stretch the truth. Now imagine that same person feeling the same fear, taking a deep breath, and bringing their focus to this one moment. They can answer with what they know and offer the truth and some options. This requires trust, self-management, confidence and taking responsibility, which is covered in Secret #2. When you are conscious and can manage your emotions, instead of being ruled by them, you are better able to respond vs. react, our next secret! Lastly, being aware and considering all that is going on inside your Self and inside others during interactions, you are better able to
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ask questions, be of service, and find hidden opportunities! You can discover a new need from customers or your team. Your intuition is free to prompt you with ideas seemingly from left field that can surprise you and others.
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Think of a situation at work that brought discomfort or conflict during a conversation with someone. What
were you thinking at the time? Were you being honest with yourself? With them? Were you in the present moment or racing to figure out how to control their reaction, strategize, or influence them, distracted by your projected image of the future? What were you feeling? Ultimately, what needs of yours did not get met? Keep this scenario in mind as you go through our nine other secrets and test out how to be an observer to release your ego. Stay conscious of your emotions and those of others. For now there is no need to act or speak differently. Simply stay awake and aware. Notice what you learn.
Go to www.inspiredchoice.com/emotional-intelligence and click on Comments to share your observations or ask questions and Gail will respond!
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Secret #2 Take Response-ability

Manage your emotions to respond vs. react
A key to boosting your emotional intelligence quotient, or

your EQ, is to manage your emotions so you can respond vs. react. When is the last time you or someone you know at work gave an immediate, reflexive, habitual reaction to a situation? This might mean that person did not take time to weigh the pros and cons and a decision was made without considering their own feelings, the feelings of others or the impact. This can lead to regret later on. To increase your ability to respond, or what I like to call being response-able, start by noticing your thoughts and feelings when an event or something someone says
Take a breath. Get recentered, and take a moment to process everything.
disturbs you. If you feel a rush of anger or fear or anxiety, take a moment to understand what happened, take a breath
to get re-centered, and take a moment to process everything. You can draw on your internal self-control or self-management and can choose what to think, feel, say and do. That is being response-able. While writing this book, I happened to be standing in line to pick up reserved theatre tickets, and the whole process was going so slowly. The line was maybe 30 deep and I was not in the mood for a long wait. I was annoyed and felt myself getting whiny and cranky. I
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decided to apply this emotional intelligence secret in that moment to choose a different reaction to test this theory for you, my reader! I had a choice to just accept the situation or, as I chose, I used the experience to write this part of this eBook! I pulled out a piece of paper and started writing right there. I found myself smiling at those around me, got engrossed in my writing and the time passed quickly. I observed my emotions, saw choices about how to think, feel and respond, and captured the process! I was grateful to practice EQ and shifted from feeling grumpy to happy in less than 2 minutes. The second aspect of Secret #2 is to take responsibility for your thoughts, feelings, decisions and actions. Its taking ownership and not blaming others. It requires accessing your adult part instead of the inner child, who is often the rebellious reactive part. Make a choice about how to respond, then accept and handle the consequences. Take a look at an incident at work where you had a
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conflict that created a strong negative feeling. Think
back to elements of the event where you may have blamed your boss, co-workers or the economy, for example. Now, take responsibility for your part. Look at how you contributed to the situation, even if it was out of your control. What could you have done differently, even if your only choice was how to feel and respond?
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Secret #3 Know Your Self

Imagine having your own Owners Manual
Wouldnt it be nice if, when we are born, we came packaged with an owners manual? You know, like you get with your washing machine? It would start out with a section called, Warning! Read before operating this machinery. There would be guidelines on how to avoid overloading, what to do if the load got out of balance, the right kind of power source, what was safe to put inside, and how to prevent wear and tear. The goal of emotional intelligence is to get to know your Self, appreciate your strengths, be aware of your challenges, and to design your life experiences so you live as fully as The Real You as possible. If people had owners manuals like this, they could advise and forewarn users on where their hot buttons are, how to best get along, troubleshoot and avoid repeated service calls for repairs in their relationships. Start by getting to know your Self really well. What are your triggers? A trigger is something someone might say or do that stimulates an old memory, a prior hurt or old feelings. This can start a chain reaction of feeling angry or sad in a nanosecond without our realizing it. Often the other person wasnt directing their words at you at all.
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What are your triggers? What are your needs? What are your limits?
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For example, someone might not feel well and ask you to cut your conversation short without this explanation. Your feelings might
Your emotions are an internal guidance system use it!
be hurt. An old memory of not being allowed to express yourself may be stimulated. You might project the same
old feelings on the present situation. Knowing this will help you separate out what is about you and what is about them, our next secret! You can begin to anticipate some of these events, prepare for them and detach yourself from the trigger. What are your most common triggers? What makes you happy, afraid, confident, insecure? We talked earlier about the various types of intelligence you have access to; your mind, your body, your spirit, and your emotions. Your emotions are an internal guidance system. Have you ever seen or used a GPS (global positioning system) navigational tool to plan a car trip? It tells you where you are and you can enter a destination and receive guidance to drive there. Imagine being able to access your emotions as a tool to aid your decisionmaking on your journey instead of relying only on the mind and intellect. Your emotions let you know if you are in alignment with your values, mission and integrity. How? Easy! Imagine that you have a 1-10 Happy Meter in your stomach. I picture a big needle that lies at rest pointing to the 10, the happiest position, which I believe is our natural state. When events happen, check to see where you are on the Happy Meter! If you feel good,
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with a reading in the 6-10 range, you are in alignment. If you feel anxiety, fear or just plain ickiness in the 1-5 range, you need to adjust your course of thinking and therefore your feelings and realign. Find an owners manual in your house for a home
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appliance or for your car and copy down the major
sections of the Table of Contents on a sheet of paper. Have fun noticing how many of the headings can apply to you like the Specifications page. Write in a few notes for yourself. For example, the Specifications page for your equipment might include your height, weight, fuel consumption, best fuel type, how to keep your battery charged, proper maintenance. You get it. Have fun and make a real attempt at seeing where you might do a better job of caring for your body, mind, spirit and soul.
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Secret #4 What is about Me vs. Them?

A tool to minimize taking things personally
Have you ever noticed that when you are negatively triggered
by an event or something someone says to you, you take it to heart, feel offended, or hurt, and then get mad at the other person and blame them for your feelings? This is a reaction that many experience. Using some of our earlier secrets, you can take response-ability and look at what happens in these situations. Lets look at how you can separate out what is about you vs. what is about them. This is not meant to be the adversarial use of "versus," rather a comparison of how we interpret what is about ourselves and what is about others. We assume that actions and words expressed towards us are about us. An important thing to remember is that just as we get triggered and sometimes react spontaneously, influenced by our emotions and past, so too do others have their triggers that have nothing to do with us. In our society, we tend to not have many boundaries or limits and we cross the line by telling others what we think without asking their permission. We jump to conclusions and make assumptions often without checking them out.
Detach or unhook your emotions. Try viewing conversations as if they are a mix of two chemicals
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Imagine how things might be different if you saw conflict or disagreement with another person as if it was a scientific experiment. Picture bringing together two test tubes and creating a mixture. Your personal viewpoint and triggers would mix with theirs. You can observe the results and analyze the chain reaction inside you. What if your reaction had very little to do with the other person?! What if their words or actions were only about them and their needs, fears, desires and had nothing to do with you? Consider this the next time you talk to a family member who is feeling tired or sick. Notice that they might be impatient with you or crabby and hard to please. You could take that personally, as if it means they dont like you or are angry with you, or you can allow for their condition as one factor. You would likely cut them some slack and detach yourself. Its as if you halt the chemical reaction and dismiss it. You really are neutralizing it with compassion. That is the key to separating out what is about you and what is about them. Secret #5 will go into more detail about neutralizing events. Now, what if you could go through life this way? Imagine letting others have their own challenges, history, desires and reactions and choose your own responses as you strive for your best life. Think of a situation or relationship at work that often
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challenges you or seems to bring up conflict. Now,
draw on a piece of paper 2 stick figures; label one of them "Me" and the other "Them." In this situation, notice what you might be saying or thinking about the other person. What are you judging about them
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based on what happens between you? Write those opinions underneath the "Them" figure. Then do the same review about yourself in this situation and write what you judge about you under the "Me" figure. When you see the separate cause and effect for both of you, can you see a choice to let go of the feelings and judgments you hold onto about the other person? You are two separate entities with your own rights, beliefs, rules, cultures, histories, attitudes and so on. See how you can both be right and co-exist. Experiment with this sense of detachment to help you in the next interaction.
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Secret #5 Seek to Neutralize Events

Take the charge out of situations and words
Lets continue our chemistry experiment. We know that when

you bring two people together and introduce individual beliefs, histories, desires, external pressures and emotion into the mixture, you can get many reactions; you might see a slow fizzle, a boiling over, an explosion or perhaps just a new and better result. Secret #5 will help you to prevent a chemical melt down or even a slight disruption by separating out the elements that get you all fired up. Basically, events are neutral to begin with. We add our interpretation or judgment and then assume a meaning that may or may not be implied. For example, if you were told by your employer that you are being let go and that you are a good worker but they need to let you go for financial reasons, what might your reaction be? You might start to read into the decision, feel anger or resentment, and let your imagination make up things about yourself or others, stimulated by your emotional reaction. I have a conflict management formula that is very helpful for neutralizing an event. I learned this process through a womens personal growth and empowerment training program called Woman Within. This is a tool you can use as a framework for discussion about an event that triggers you. You can also use it privately to help
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you take the charge or strong emotional reaction out of a situation without discussing it. Many situations we consider a conflict are really just a conversation where two people trigger strong reactions in one or both. The goal of this tool is to neutralize the event and separate out your feelings, judgment or interpretation and what you need to move forward or improve the relationship. This process also helps you take responsibility for your part in the interaction. Below is the template or formula. Take a shot at filling in the blanks for your situation. Then keep reading. An explanation of the elements follows. "When you I judge not fact) and I feel What I need is (neutral event), (interpretation or opinion, (your emotions). (request you make of the
other person or of yourself with their help). (They may or may not agree or be able to give it to you.) Let's use an imaginary example to try out this formula. Imagine you have a work relationship with someone, maybe your boss, who interrupts you when you begin to share
Use this formula to separate out the neutral event, your feelings, judgments and needs
an idea or solution to a problem. Now, fill in the sentence above and sort out the pieces of your reaction.
It is important that you approach this from the viewpoint that this is all about YOU, not them (Secret #4). The object here is to help you manage your emotions, take responsibility for your part, get to the
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trigger, and cleanly ask for what you need without blaming others. This is a great emotional intelligence tool to help you self-regulate and then respond vs. react. Here are tips on how to approach this formula and better understand the human elements that cause conflict. Each blank in the formula is covered below.
What is the neutral event, stated without judgment! This is hard. The event in our example above is that your flow of speech was interrupted (not that you were rudely interrupted... that is a judgment influenced by emotion).
What is the judgment or interpretation you have or the conclusion you draw based on the event? Perhaps you interpret that your boss interrupts you because your opinion isn't important, hence you are not important. Or they dont care about you.
How do you feel? What are your emotions? Not how did the event make you feel because your feelings are actually your choice. Even if its a habitual reaction, it's still your choice. Go for the emotion here, not the judgment. Feeling words are mad, sad, glad, ashamed, etc.
What do you need or want, ideally? Avoid thinking about what they need. This is about you. And remember that they get to reply Yes or No or they might offer another option to your request. You may only need them to be aware or you just need to express how you feel and be listened to.
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Below is how our formula might look after this self-reflection. You can use this process to plan a real conversation to improve future interactions or simply use the formula privately to help you strengthen your awareness and choose a better response in the future.
When I share suggestions with you, you sometimes interrupt my speaking before I finish and what I interpret is you don't want to hear my ideas or they don't matter and I feel frustrated (a lower level of anger). What I request is that you let me finish my thought and comment afterwards. Can you do that? (You might need to negotiate based on what they need from you!) The great thing is this way of neutralizing events has you taking full responsibility for your own reactions, opinions, feelings and judgments. It is less threatening for others to hear and can lead to a stronger relationship. Think of a situation that happened recently to you and
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fill out this formula on your own. See what insights
you get when you take responsibility for your reaction and neutralize the event. You may be surprised!
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Secret #6 Operate from Love, Not Fear

Greater acceptance of Self and others is the goal
This is a really big idea that can revolutionize your interactions

with others. There is a momentum here. In previous secrets you have learned the importance of really knowing your Self, how to separate out what is about you vs. them and how to neutralize an event. Consciously choosing to operate from love and not fear is the next progression and an often very challenging step. Its not about romantic love, of course. Its about forgiveness, acceptance and appreciating others. This applies to how you view those around you and includes how you see your Self. Try on being in the mindset of fear first and then love. See how they feel in your gut. Imagine how this plays out for you or coworkers around you. Picture a spectrum like the one below. Fear Love If you operate from the far left with fear in your work setting, it might show up with you being suspicious, closed-minded, judgmental, anxious, feeling victimized, angry, desperate and trying to control outcomes. Here you might hold back and fake being something you
How would your interactions and outcomes at work change if you had a personal policy to expect and give acceptance most of the time?
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are not to avoid a perceived conflict. How does that feel? This creates a very low vibration and energy that others will not feel comfortable around. From this mindset there is an assumption that things wont go well, there isnt enough to go around and your job is in jeopardy, so you have to beat out the competition. Ok, now.. B R E A T H E! Lets release all that negativity, shift gears and energy. Now, imagine focusing on the things you are grateful for, the beauty around you and moving towards the Love end of the spectrum. Here you might feel more relaxed, open, trusting, accepting, flexible, empowered, generous, patient, and expecting good things. This is an abundant state where you allow others to shine and get credit, you acknowledge and appreciate others, you feel calm and peaceful much of the time, you take good care of yourself and have plenty of energy to give to others. It may seem that outside events dictate which of these emotions you operate from. You actually can choose your thoughts and feelings operating from your Inner Being and develop an observer role about what goes on around you externally. Strengthening this core Inner Being takes some practice. Secret #8 will help you build this muscle through time spent with your Self in reflective stillness. Think of a recent interaction where you were operating
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from fear. Perhaps you were afraid your boss or a
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customer was unhappy and you expected criticism if you were honest about making a mistake. List the ways it made you feel and how you operated and held back. How did your body feel? Now, create a shift and see how you might rewind the tape and replay that same situation from a place of love. What if you expected the best of others, trusted them and you? What would you have needed to do, think or say to yourself to have felt grounded and courageous so you could operate from love? Notice how different the outcomes can be with this shift from fear to love. Others can detect our vibrations, thoughts and moods. Heck, even dogs can sense who is afraid of them in a room, right? So what state of being do you want to live in?
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Secret #7 Agreement without Judgment

Seek agreements with others starting with trust
What might work and life be like if you saw all your
conversations, negotiations, meetings and even sales presentations as opportunities to seek agreement? Imagine if you did not expect conflict, disagreement or the need to overpower and force others to your point of view. To get to this mindset requires us to activate our emotional intelligence and detach from the outcome. This is a great place from which to operate. On one hand you believe in your cause, mission or product and you are enthusiastic
Judgment is a built-in safety device we are born with and all use. It protects you. Dont fight it or deny it. Just use it well.
about wanting others to agree, buy, or collaborate with you. At the same time, you can lay out your case and then sit back and really
listen and let others share their opinions without the need to be right, better, or out to win at all costs. You can help everyone find the best solution, take a stand for your beliefs and product or services and allow them to have their opinions. Using our earlier secrets as the foundation, you can approach conversations with an assumption that agreement is possible, even likely. One key step is to suspend judgment and bias, at least temporarily, so you can present your views and listen clearly to those
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of the other person as if you are collaborators, working on the same team. When you start out with an open mind and expect to arrive at an agreement, you look for evidence of success and ways to meet both your needs. Solutions and compromise are easier to find when you find a common goal, need or mission. Judgment is actually a protective tool we all are born with. From the moment we start assessing our environment, starting with our fingers and toes, we use this skill to create safety. We assess people, new jobs, hot stoves, and what to eat using judgment. When taken to extreme, we might avoid good risks, new projects, new jobs or business opportunities to, we assume, play it safe. When we operate from fear, as we saw in our last secret, we are less likely to reach agreements because we are given to distrust, negative assumptions, desperation and closed thinking. Notice your judgments about others and set them aside to achieve easier collaborations, more cooperation, and less stress and conflict. At the next opportunity to reach agreement with
Activity
someone, try out this approach and suspend judgment
as much as you can. Pick something easy like where to go for lunch with a co-worker or scheduling a meeting. Next, go up a level and use this approach to design a project or agree on price with a customer.
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Secret #8 Create Moments of Stillness

A tool to activate your intuition and emotional intelligence
Many of our secrets to building emotional intelligence benefit

from the practice of spending quality time with our Self! In todays hectic world how often do you get to do that? How can you get to know and appreciate your talents and get grounded, centered and calm if you multi-task at every moment possible? There is so much stimulus with our email, the media, iPods, PDAs, car radios, work, family and home demands. When is the last time you had 5 minutes between events and didnt rush to fill it with a task or distraction? Eckhart Tolle, in his book Stillness Speaks, talks about the power of stillness. This doesnt necessarily mean silence. It is the ability to focus on your Inner Being, an inner peace. He teaches that if we connect to the stillness within, we move beyond our active minds and emotions and discover great depths of lasting peace, contentment, and serenity. Now that is emotional intelligence at a deep level. Many of us can barely think for all the chatter and self-talk going on in our heads. The key is acceptance and allowing the world to be as it is in the moment. Imagine even being in a noisy grocery store checkout lane where an elderly man ahead of you is slowly counting out the change
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in his coin purse. Now, can you picture turning this into a moment of stillness and calm? What would it take? Tolle suggests that getting focused in the present moment is the key, which requires letting go of replaying the past or worrying about the future, like where you have to be in 15 minutes as you wait in the checkout line. This might mean igniting your loving side, practicing patience, or observing the scene and sounds around you. How can you find gratitude in this moment to slow down your day, rest your mind from your shopping list (literal and figurative) and just BE!? A book I really enjoy is Leap Before You Look, by Arjuna Ardagh. He lists 72 shortcuts for getting out of your mind and into the moment, including ways to make standing in line a spiritual experience. What a concept! Ive since found out I can make nearly any business or personal challenge a spiritual experience by assuming it has something to teach me. This book can be a great place to start out with easy practices and build up. When I practice creating stillness during moments like checkout lines, being stuck in traffic or stuck in some relentless, critical, ruminating loop in my own mind, I find that a few deep breaths can break the downward spiral of my emotions. Paying attention to your breath and body is a pathway to stillness which, if you can maintain it for even 1-2 minutes, will calm you and help you accept the world as it is, especially when things are outside your control.
Focusing on nature, even a small plant or stone you can keep on your desk opens a gateway to stillness.
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The power of stillness and truly tuning into your Self is that these are the moments you can get refreshed, check in with your emotional guidance system, and allow your intuition to speak up and guide you to inspiring thoughts and action. Find an object that can bring you good thoughts, stir up
Activity
a vivid positive memory, or that connects you to nature.
It might be a plant or a stone, a sea shell or photo of your favorite outdoor escape. In quiet moments, to start, practice concentrating on the peacefulness or aliveness of nature or a memory until you feel it in your body and notice the pace of your breathing slow. Let your shoulders drop and let your to do list drop! Lock in the resulting emotion and the feeling in your body and see if you can recall it later in more distracting moments. With practice, you can create a momentary escape and grounding to use in the noisiest and most stress-filled places at any time.
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Secret #9 Design Alliances

Consciously seek agreements on how to be in your relationships
How often do you join a team, start a new job, or enter into a
new friendship and find that along the way your expectations are not being met and disagreements arise? The key to emotional intelligence is to bring consciousness and awareness into your relationships, as we learned in Secret #1. You can take proactive action by designing your alliances intentionally. The good news is you can do this at any time even in a 20-year relationship. Designing an alliance is actually creating an agreement about how you will be with each other. It can be a formal conversation or a document. Marriage vows are an example of designing alliances! Some employers have new employees or contractors sign an agreement. This is a set of guidelines that sets out expectations and makes it clear what both parties will do under normal circumstances
We all operate with our own set of rules and beliefs. Share your preferences and limits. Agree on how you
and, if problems arise, how they will be resolved. In a friendship, this might be as simple as getting an understanding that your friend
doesnt like to get phone calls past 10 oclock at night! You then can honor each others request or not.
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We are all raised in different families and cultures. We hold different beliefs about human interaction. Some shake hands, some nod heads in greeting. What for one person is a warm gesture might be disrespectful to others. In a business setting, for example, starting meetings late to give latecomers time to arrive might be the norm for one team and not allowed on another. We operate with our own set of rules. It helps to get everyones rule book out on the table or to write one unique to the relationship. Respect and accept that people have their own reasons for their behavior and they may not even be aware or know why they do some things. Secret #4 can be helpful to separate out what is about them vs. what is about you. In Secret #3 we talked about how great it would be if we were born with an owners manual we could hand to others as we meet them. Use the information you learn as you get to know yourself better to design your alliances based on how you work best and what you need. Let your emotional guidance system inform you about fears and protection you need. Ask for it where appropriate. In a business setting, within your own team or working with clients, it is important to identify and agree on expectations; common terminology, processes, roles, desired outcomes, deliverables, mission and agreed upon guidelines for relating and working together. It helps to discuss seemingly obvious things. Avoid assumptions and ask for clarification.
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Be proactive and design your alliance early on. Waiting until there is a conflict may be more challenging. And yet, conflicts will come up and should be expected. When a difference of opinion or work styles arises, look for a compromise for the "greater good" of the project, the team, the client, the company, the relationship. Welcome these moments (yes, really) because they offer a great opportunity to tweak your alliance and have a bonding affect that increases connection and intimacy. Think about a work or personal relationship and
Activity
identify agreements you have with others that may or may not be spoken. What, if any, tension tends to exist in this relationship on a regular basis? Take full response-ability for your 50% of the relationship, using Secret #2, to determine what redesigning of your alliance might be needed. This starts with you, so avoid blaming the other person completely. Where do you have a need that is not expressed or a boundary that has not been set? Its your choice whether to take action on this or not. Simply identifying the tweaks that you desire will shift your energy. You may find that you surprise yourself and casually make a request when the moment is right. You can also tap into your courage and do this intentionally.
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Secret #10 Hold a Bigger Vision

A bigger view and sense of purpose provides a lens for life
Have you ever noticed how stepping back from a situation,

challenge or project gives you a new perspective? You get a chance to breathe, change your focus, shift your energy, and return with a fresh mind. On a larger scale, a long weekend or vacation refreshes your energy and can inspire a new point of view or approach. In the same way, it helps to have a bigger vision for your career and your life. Its so easy to get lost in the frantic doing of life; the demands of the job, supporting a family, balancing finances and making check lists. Some feel stressed, restricted and overwhelmed. There are always more things to get done in less time. Having a bigger picture creates a framework or filter from which to make decisions. Choosing a bigger vision gives life direction, context and a sense of purpose. Imagine for a moment that you are suddenly transported 20 years into the future. How much will todays biggest challenge, unsolvable project, unpleasant feedback or difficult relationship matter? Hows that for perspective. What really matters most?
Having a bigger vision and sense of purpose serves like an anchor to bring you back to center, to your mission.
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Lets start with a bigger vision for your personal life and then well touch on your career. We are not born with our life purpose imprinted across our forehead, much as many wish. For some, it is a lifelong quest. Many imagine that if they dont find the one purpose fate has destined for them, they will not find happiness. Eckhart Tolle suggests in A New Earth that the true or primary purpose of your life cannot be found on the outer level. It does not concern what you do but who you are that is to say, your state of consciousness. That takes us back to Secret #1. Tolle speaks of having a primary inner purpose, which concerns Being, and a secondary outer purpose, concerning doing. We all share this inner purpose as its the purpose of humanity. Our inner purpose is to be awake, conscious, and present to the power of now. This includes accepting what happens that we cannot change and trusting that we need to learn from what happens in our life. Inspired by Tolle, my own interpretation is that our outer purpose is how we choose to express our inner purpose of being awake and conscious in the outer world. True success and happiness come from finding and living in alignment with your Self. The relief here is that what you choose to do is not as important as that it be in alignment with who you truly are, your energy, Being Fully You. Your career and work may take many forms. For me, at the age of 47, I came home to such delight in my work when I discovered coaching and training. This work fits my true
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nature, talents and spirit. It gives me pleasure, energizes and motivates me to take action that otherwise would seem scary, all for the sake of those who need help to live more fully self-expressed, prosperous, authentic, joyful lives. The more of my true spirit I bring to my work the more successful I am and the more I differentiate myself (a marketing bonus!). Your action in the world is more effective when its inspired action vs. trying to make something happen. Inspired action is doing for the sake of something meaningful to you that comes from who you really are; your Being. Abraham-Hicks, teachers of the Law of Attraction, explain inspired action as talking and feeling (not thinking) about what you want and why. You will then be inspired as to the how, who, when and where. When you get mired in the details and logistics and worry about outcomes, fear and struggle occur. In that moment, you have probably lost sight of your mission, vision, and pure desire. When it comes to your career, on a less esoteric level and perhaps in a more practical day-to-day way, having a bigger vision is critical for your team and company. Sharing a common goal brings together the collective mindset of many, creating inspiration and energy to find solutions and do the work. When things get hectic, hard and stressful, you can turn to your co-workers with humor and sincerity and ask, Remind me again, why are we doing this?! That will put you back on course. Imagine the power of all that positive emotion and energy focused on one outcome!
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A shared mission and mindset is a motivating power that can help overcome obstacles, smooth out conflict, bring easier agreement, willing collaboration, and better results than originally imagined. In conclusion, as we wrap up our last secret, I have a final activity for you that is really a mission!
Your emotional intelligence has been growing as

Mission
youve read the words on the pages of this eBook. As you apply one or more of these secrets, you will continue to boost your consciousness, your career and your satisfaction in life. I join with all those in your life who need you to purposefully make your interactions and relationships as conscious and genuine as you can. Please bring all of your strengths and talents into the light. You are being called forth to work towards and hold a bigger view and desires for yourself, your organization and the world for the "greater good." Make it so!
Go to www.inspiredchoice.com/emotional-intelligence and click on Comments to share your observations or ask questions and Gail will respond! The last section of this eBook offers ways you can work directly with Gail to take action and take your mission on the road!
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About Gail Sussman Miller

Gail created Inspired Choice to help people live and work
more consciously from choice rather than obligation. She works primarily with three audiences. Gail teaches women solopreneurs how to love marketing as an extension of who they are and what they love to do. Gail helps them learn new mindsets and techniques to promote and grow their businesses using their best marketing method(s). She works with senior executives on career building and career transition. Gail coaches executives on how to promote and present themselves, improve interpersonal habits and skills, and take action on long-held unfulfilled dreams that can lead to second careers or inspired retirement. She is the Chicago Facilitator for monthly ExecuNet networking meetings. Gail helps small companies and teams improve performance, increase collaboration and create positive organic change through a creative and effective blend of coaching, training and facilitation. Specialities. Gail specializes in teaching how to love networking (online and offline), public speaking, the art of seeking agreement, and powerful relationship-building skills using emotional intelligence. She helps create a mindset shift combined with effective techniques. Gail teaches people how to identify, leverage and transfer their strengths to new or difficult activities. Gail uses a coach approach to help individuals and groups reach their goals and get into action through 4 steps by helping them: 1. get really clear on what they truly want 2. break through yes, but obstacle thinking to identify options 3. make inspired choices and 4. take action through small steps Gail calls herself a mid-life bloomer Baby Boomer. She found her true passion in work, marriage, motherhood and life after the age of 44! Now she helps others to stop waiting and take inspired action. Gail says she is a poster child for great marriage, is a proud step mom of 2 children and a thrilled new grandmother. Read what people say about Gails training on emotional intelligence
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Emotional Intelligence Training Results

Here are comments on the value received at one of Gails emotional intelligence workshops. This shows the power of this work and the potential for real impact in the workplace. This is what participants committed to do, think or "be" as a result of the training to improve their relationships: "I will incorporate into my daily life, personal and professional, [the practical tips]. I will listen better, not take things personally, not act in fear. I'll be clear about what I want, take responsibility, and discuss issues using EQ (emotional intelligence)." Mary T. Markovich "I liked the actual take away tools. Wonderful to clarify topic, giving examples and giving actions to take back [to my work life]. How I contribute to conflict, how my perception is not their reality. I will be active in my life and work." Alyse Kittner "Thinking about my words and actions and concentrating on me, then using my awareness when working with others. I will strive to neutralize words and events." Katherine Weathers "I'll be breathing. I've read Goleman's book. You did a great job with it... made it come alive for us." Mary Conley Eggert "Very effective. Drew great comparisons to [between] people in the audience, her personal life and authors. I will center myself and not make assumptions. I will not make judgments or assume that other people feel a certain way." Elyssa Welling "Taught me how to be less reactive and to understand that someone's words aren't necessarily malicious -- that there are other factors at work. I will listen more and try to remove judgment from the listening process." Nicole Gibby Munguia "I have a better understanding of self-dynamics and interfacing with others. I will manage triggers." Tim Downey "Clear and to the point. [Gail gave] great examples. [The value I got is] awareness. I will be more aware of my triggers." Leslie Teague
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More Opportunities to Learn

Here are a few choices on how you can work with Gail, individually or in a group, to exponentially increase your emotional intelligence, get into action, create positive change and stay inspired and on track. For Individuals: Email Gail for a 45-minute complimentary consultation if you are serious about creating more meaningful, more effective relationships at work with less conflict and more cooperation. Put 10 Secrets Consultation Please in the subject line of your email. Join a weekly one-hour telephone intimate group of 4 facilitated by Gail. These calls are focused on goal-setting, getting in action, staying on track and boosting success by boosting emotional intelligence. Get individual time to report on goals, receive group feedback, brainstorming and short training segments. Gail is a facilitator for Springboard Unlimited. Email Gail and mention this eBook to get a 10% discount! Receive occasional Inspired Choice Love Letters with tips and techniques, special offers and news you can use. Sign up here.
For Teams and Organizations Emotional intelligence group training is available in 3-hour or full-day sessions with follow-up teleconferences to offer accountability on homework, review of skills practice, and additional training. A sample workshop is described here for a session delivered for the Association Forum of Chicagoland. Invite Gail to speak for your organization on increasing emotional intelligence, how to love networking or public speaking, or a customized inspirational obstacle-busting message your group needs to hear.
Gail Sussman Miller Chief Obstacle Buster Inspired Choice 1.773.477.4012 Chicago, Illinois gail@inspiredchoice.com www.inspiredchoice.com
Inspired ChoiceTM
Gail Sussman Miller


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10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

How to use your emotions as a guide to career and business success

by Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Welcome to Your Emotional Intelligence Guide to Success

What if you could reduce or even avoid conflicts at work?

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

arrow. This will offer you an option to stop and think,

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

What is Emotional Intelligence? Research suggests that a person's emotional intelligence,

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Secret #1 Be Conscious and Aware

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Secret #2 Take Response-ability

A key to boosting your emotional intelligence quotient, or

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

conflict that created a strong negative feeling. Think

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Secret #3 Know Your Self

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

appliance or for your car and copy down the major

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Secret #4 What is about Me vs. Them?

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

challenges you or seems to bring up conflict. Now,

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Secret #5 Seek to Neutralize Events

Lets continue our chemistry experiment. We know that when

Gail Sussman Miller

10 Secrets to Boost Your Emotional Intelligence

Gail Sussman Miller