DIVORCE-PROOF MARRIAGE

Source: Book: Divorce Proof Marriage. Authors: Gary and Barbara Rosberg
Adaptation: Veronika Wiens

IN HONOR OF YOUR SPOUSE

Serving love honors your spouse to such a degree that you purposefully seek to
discover and meet his or her needs, even placing those needs before your own.
When you serve your spouse in this way, you help him or her feel honored and
understood. Servant love is the key component in protecting your marriage from
divorce.
When we get married we expect to find someone who cares about our needs
and tries to satisfy them. But if you are still waiting for this to happen, maybe
you should change the question, Do I meet my spouse's needs?

Jesus gave an example of service, servant love, when he washed the feet of his
disciples. None of us is greater than our master, Jesus. None of us is above
service. No one can avoid his example. Furthermore, none of us can afford to
miss out on the blessing that Jesus promised to those who minister to others
through servant love. And couples who wish to divorce-proof their marriages
must practice servant love.

We need to be clear that service does not imply that we are bound to slavery.
When Jesus set out to serve, that this love flowed from self-will not from
coercion, from strength not from weakness, from joy not from guilt. It is
positively liberating.

THE MYTH OF THE 50/50 MARRIAGE

One of the biggest problems couples have is that spouses measure each
other's need for service on a reciprocal basis. The best some do is to operate
according to the popular 50/50 plan, the philosophy of I'll meet your needs if you
meet mine. In this plan, marriage becomes a matter of transactions and
compromises in which the spouses keep track so that neither gets more than
the other nor gives more than the other. The goal is to satisfy the other half.
To be fair, some couples who live by this rule are generous with each other and
happy to some extent, but love spread almost never results in spouses feeling
honored and understood. Since neither is able to determine which half is which,
each is left to inspect the other's performance from the jadedness of their own
perspective.
In a 50/50 marriage, service and submission to each other are usually replaced
by a strong emphasis on getting what one rightfully deserves. In this kind of
relationship there is someone who is absent, the person who wants to live right
in the middle of a marriage, the one who makes the rules and acts as a
mediator between your needs and those of your spouse. That person is Jesus
Christ, who not only provides us with the example, but also the power to serve
in love through the word of God and the Holy Spirit.

THE JOY OF A 100/100 MARRIAGE

Let's face it: We all love to have our needs met. We all desire the understanding
and honor that comes as a result when someone cares enough to serve us
without expecting anything in return.
Deep within each of us is a longing to understand and to be understood, to
honor and to be honored. When a marriage lacks this kind of love that discovers
and fulfills needs, feelings of disappointment lead to frustration and conflict.
Perhaps you've experienced these bitter verbal confrontations in your own
marriage, the ones that erupt when your spouse says you're not meeting his or
her needs. Or perhaps instead of having an open fight it is likely that each will
launch into a guerrilla war, undermining each other in silence or avoiding each
other. Lack of servant love leaves unmet needs and keeps you far from the
dream God planned for you.

THE BENEFITS OF SERVANT LOVE

- Helpful love allows both parties to feel honored and understood. If you
want to feel understood, if you want to feel satisfied, if you want to feel
honored, build a marriage that overflows with servant love. If each of
you is one hundred percent committed to understanding and meeting
the needs of the other, you will both enjoy one hundred percent honor
and understanding as a result of this mutual commitment.
If Christ governs us, this implies doing everything possible to discover
and satisfy each other's deepest needs, lavishing honor and
understanding on each other. And because they have the same goal,
the dream becomes reality. Marriage does not deprive dreams, but is
the reason for them.

- Servant love allows us to put our marriage vows into practice.

These were purely concerned with satisfying each other's needs. When
they serve each other in love, they meet the needs of the spouse and
fulfill the marriage vows. They are doing God's will.

- Servant love helps divorce-proof your marriage.

If you don't meet your spouse's deepest needs, it can cost you your
marriage in the long run. Perhaps the most important reason to meet
your spouse's needs is that if you don't, you may lose him or her as he
or she will go after someone or something that meets those needs.
You would never think of overlooking your partner's water or food
needs. He would die without those essentials. However, their
emotional, relational and spiritual needs are just as vital as the others.
If they remain unsatisfied, your marriage will begin to die. When we
generously minister servant love to our spouse, we guard our marriage
from temptation and decay.

IDEAS ON HOW TO BAKE YOUR SPOUSE

FOR SPOUSES ONLY

- search or ask how or where you need help
 - respects their point of view, without having to agree, but welcomes their
point of view.

- tell others how important she is to you, carry her picture in your wallet.

- support her in front of her children

- do not remind him of his mistakes

- remember the special dates

- eat together

- discuss decisions together before making them

FOR WIVES ONLY

- have time alone with him

- honors his favorite things

- tell him you need him

- appreciates their hard work

- praise him in front of his children

- be curious and non-judgmental about things that interest you

- allow him to be himself in your presence

- celebrates his birthday

Clearly communicate needs

EXPRESS
- express, what you think, what you need

- keep the spouse in the center when he/she expresses him/herself, give
him/her room to express him/herself fully, without interruptions, without
answers.

- be specific and to the point.

LISTEN
If you want your spouse to tell you frankly what is in his or her heart, you must
convey it with the absolute certainty that he or she is giving you his or her full
attention. It's not easy to listen carefully, it can be hard to hold back from
jumping in with a solution, but listening is the key to understanding your
spouse's needs.
RESPOND
Do not impose, but clarify and fully understand what your spouse is saying. This
communication skill is called responding.
Communication of needs flows freely in an atmosphere of total acceptance.
Therefore, it is imperative that husbands and wives grow unceasingly in order to
satisfy this fundamental and priority need in each other. We should extend open
arms to our spouse assuring them, you can tell me anything. You can trust me.

Discuss and write down the five needs of your partner, for that a help, that each
partner will have their own order.

Five love needs of spouses:

- unconditional love and acceptance
- sexual intimacy
- friendship
- encouragement and affirmation
- spiritual intimacy.

For men, INTIMACY = SEXUALITY

Five love needs of wives:

- unconditional love and acceptance
- emotional intimacy and communication
- spiritual intimacy
- encouragement and affirmation
- friendship

For women, INTIMACY = TALKING

Now they have something to talk about!

Talk, listen, write down and make a plan how to honor each other, so that you
can practice it on vacation days or holidays coming up, so that those days of
being together are not days of war or great frustrations.