Book review

“A Light that goes out”

1. Presentation of the work:

Kübler-Ross Elizabeth. (1985). A Light that goes out . Mexico DF Pax México
Editorial.

2. Introduction:
The Book “A Light that Goes Out” about the death of a child, the death that is not
considered that way but rather as the culmination of life, goodbye before another
hello, the end before another beginning or the great transition; as well as the ways
in which the death of a child is experienced, both for him and his family members in
order to find the peace that will come when he faces, understands and accepts his
death.
Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneer of thanatology, was born on July 8, 1926 in
Zurich (Switzerland), being one of the Ross triplets, daughters of a typical
conservative upper-middle class couple from Zurich. On August 24, 2004, he died
at 78 in Scottsdale - Arizona (United States). She graduated as a doctor from the
University of Zurich in 1957.
Beginning his interest in death during his student days, when he visited some of
the Nazi extermination camps after the war. Elizabeth was then surprised that in
the walls of the barracks where the Jews awaited their death, the youngest of
them, so young that they did not even possess religious beliefs, in a natural and
instinctive way, considered death not as an end, but as a process of change. As
they lacked concepts to express such feelings, those children captured it in
drawings of caterpillars that transformed into butterflies. Those childhood drawings
touched Elizabeth deeply.
She was the first psychiatrist to describe the phases of death: panic, denial,
depression, agreement and acceptance, which became a classic of psychiatry. But
his greatest inspiration was always found in children. Elizabeth affirmed that the
youngest were undoubtedly also the bravest when it came to facing death, those
who best understood that it represented a liberation. The butterfly symbol became
an emblem of his work, because for Kübler-Ross death was a rebirth to a higher
state of life. Children, he stated, know it intuitively; If we do not infect them with our
fears and our pain, they have the ability to teach us many things.
Elizabeth helped many family members come to terms with their loss, to know how
to deal with the death of a loved one, she explained to them how to support the
dying, what should be done in those difficult moments and what should be avoided.
Under his tutelage, foundations and citizen movements were created that
demanded the right to a dignified death. Her first book “On Death and Dying”
published in 1969 made Kübler Ross an internationally known author.
The importance of the topic being addressed is highly considerable, because it is
an issue that is experienced over time and is always present, experiencing the
death of a child can mean one of the most painful deaths, but for this we must
knowing how to cope with pain.

3. Content of the book

Introduction to the Spanish edition
Recognitions
Introduction: Reflections
Chapter 1: Chaste to Grieving Parents
Chapter 2: The principles of life
Chapter 3: Sudden death
Chapter 4: Head injuries and coma
Chapter 5: The natural way to prepare children for life
Chapter 6: Death as a catalyst for growth and understanding
Chapter 7: Disappearance and murder of children and child suicide
Chapter 8: Alternative Treatments: Mental Imagery
Chapter 9: The internal knowledge that children have of death and its symbolic
language
Chapter 10: How can friends help?
Chapter 11: Liberation
Chapter 12: Funerals
Chapter 13: Spiritual Aspects of Working with Dying Children

4. Fundamental contribution:
A child knows (not consciously, but by intuition) what the end of his illness will be;
all children are aware, not on an intellectual level but on a spiritual level, if he is
close to death. Children are aware that their parents suffer and worry, that they
spend sleepless nights and parents should not hide it, nor should they enter with a
false smile of joy and encouragement, so the minor should not be deceived. , you
have to tell them that you are sad and that you feel somehow useless and
incapable of helping, they will extend their arms and give each other mutual
comfort. It is much easier to deal with sadness by sharing it than to leave them
feeling guilty and fearing that they are the cause of all your anxiety.
Siblings must be involved and informed of the entire process. If the patient is at
home, they must be assigned specific tasks for their care and that way they feel
useful. Healthy children should not be made to feel guilty if they continue to laugh.
or making jokes. The worst thing you can do is make the child fatally ill and the rest
of the family is to turn the home into a funeral home while the child is still alive, so it
is very important that the family remain as normal as possible and not stop do the
activities that were previously done to pass the time. If you do everything the
patient wants and fulfill all his whims, it can significantly harm the family situation
and this is very negative for the survivors.
When the child dies, it is necessary for the family to be alone with the child who is
experiencing transition. All siblings, regardless of age, must be allowed to
participate in the final family meeting, of course, without forcing them to do so.
something against his will.
The people who suffer the most are those whose support system is not available at
the time these crises occur. To overcome pain, one must face it, recognize it, and
suffer it, rather than avoid it.
The funeral is the public recognition that a significant person has died, so this ritual
signals the acceptance of that reality and places the physical body in a final place,
which can be visited later, so that the separation that occurs be gradually. The guilt
of the world does not help a soul, much less the child who died. The feeling of guilt
can make a person emotionally ill, and if not freed from it, also physically.

Life was created to be simple and beautiful. In the challenge that life provides,
there will always be what I call storms, large and small. But, from experience, we
know that all storms pass, that after the rain the sun shines again, that spring
always follows the harshest winter. (Kübler-Ross, 1985)
The fear of having more children is very real for many parents, especially for young
mothers who have already suffered the loss; child. If it occurred as a result of an
accident, the parents were completely unprepared and may have been allowed to
see their child's body. If we do what we consider fair and do not allow other people
to tell us what we can share with others, the opportunities for resolving conflicts
and participating in pain and joy are much greater.
Parents who lose a child to a sudden tragic death or murder need to find a safe
place where they can finally open up and give vent to their feelings; where they can
shout if they wish without being repressed or tranquilized with sedatives such as
Valium and where they can thus express in words what is undesirable. Sudden
deaths often leave parents and siblings with a desperate sense of guilt, even those
that occur after a long illness.
Man is born with five natural emotions, all of which tend to twist until they become
unnatural. They drain energy and thus leave the person with unshed tears,
repressed anger and desires for revenge, envy and competition, as well as
problems with self-compassion, thus contributing to poor physical and emotional
health and many of the problems of violence against others and against oneself.
Whether consciously or unconsciously, acquired fears from parents are transmitted
to their children and they often do not realize it until it is too late, causing
indescribable damage and pain. Very young children are not afraid of death,
although they do have two innate fears of unexpected loud noises and falling from
high places. Later, boys are naturally afraid of separation, since the fear of
abandonment and the absence of a loved person to care for them is basic and
significant. Children are aware of their dependence, and those who have been
exposed to trauma early in life are frightened. They will need to remember the
trauma and learn to release the panic, pain, anxiety, and anger of abandonment.
Many adults suffer from never having resolved childhood wounds. Boys need to be
allowed to cry or express pain without being labeled “crybabies” or “effeminate,” or
being given the mistaken statement that “men don't cry.”
Caring for the sick at home makes it possible for the last days or weeks preceding
death not to be a nightmare but to be a beautiful family experience that leads to
acceptance.
Jealousy is another natural emotion, a stimulus for children to learn, imitate older
children and emulate them. They become negative only through the reaction of an
observer who represses, corrects or belittles the child for his very natural response.
What is love? Love is the greatest enigma, the greatest problem and the greatest
blessing of all time. It consists of two different facets, both important in reality,
essential for a full and meaningful life. The first facet of love is related to the
attachment that the child has with his parents and siblings. The other aspect of
love has to do with the ability to say no to a child's dependence and stimulate
individual development.
Anger in its natural form means a first expression of assertion of will, a simple "No,
Mom!" and have an opinion of yourself. If accepted in its natural form, the child will
develop pride in his own choices and learn from his own mistakes. This will allow a
child to develop as an individual who makes decisions with pride and self-esteem.
By asserting themselves, many children provoke their own parents' unresolved
conflicts. They will hit them, threaten them, or at least send them to their rooms.
Many children are locked in dark closets or repressed in other brutal ways. The
abuse and mistreatment of children is so widespread that we have no idea how
many traumas, internal and external, can remain hidden in children, even from a
very young age.
My hope is that younger parents will begin to understand the importance of raising
their children by allowing them natural expressions and showing them
unconditional love (Kübler-Ross, 1985).
Only when children are allowed and encouraged to express their natural anger can
they easily express indulgence.
What would our world be like if we could all make a small effort to bless the things
we have, instead of cursing our destiny for what we don't have? (Kübler-Ross,
1985).
In work with grieving families of murdered children and others whose short lives
were ended, it was concluded that much of the tragedy could be avoided if people
could allow the natural expression of emotions rather than suppressing them. ; And
if it is not about putting children in a model of expectations by telling them: “I love
you, if you…”
Funerals are for the family, they are about remembering the wishes and
inclinations of the deceased, the right thing must be done for those who remain,
respecting cultural, religious and local customs.
Children, in recent years, have asked to be allowed to prepare their own funeral.
Teenagers in particular want to know in advance what they are going to bring, what
music will be played, who will be giving the farewell speech, and who to invite.
Siblings have a wonderful way of adding a parting gift by putting, often secretly, a
toy or love note under the coffin pillow.
It should be noted that funerals are often occasions for the family to share an
intimate moment where the memory of the deceased is remembered, an opening
begins in the consciousness of those who participated: It is like a dawn of
knowledge of a ship that hides behind the horizon, does not disappear forever: it is
only temporarily out of sight.

5. Personal comments
I consider it a wonderful book, which in one way or another makes us face a harsh
and difficult reality, the loss of a child, son or brother. It is a work that is very easy
to read, totally clear, of enormous interest, which speaks clearly and concisely with
very interesting cases that explain the management of the child's illness, how
people experience it and even what the death was like, many of them gave me
chills and many others brought me to tears, it is so valuable to know how to face
the death of such a small being, who still has a long way to go, what are the steps
to follow to be able to accept that death, moving on and continuing with life; It is
even more wonderful to see how little angels feel their death and give hints of it in
a dream, a poem and even a drawing, thus preparing for their departure but
leaving a sign so that the parents can face their loss, as well as it is very It is
important that the other little brothers are not excluded from this entire process
since it is mistakenly believed that children do not know about death, and I can
even come to the conclusion that they know it better than us because they can
face it in a better way than adults. . It is incredible to see how terminally ill children
also say goodbye and ask how they want to leave their personal belongings, how
they want to be dressed and even how they want to be remembered. It tells us of
the immense value they have.
I can conclude by saying that there is nothing that can completely prepare us for
the death of a loved one, much less if it is a child, however I believe that there are
more and more tools to face these losses, such as this book in which also tells us
about the support groups.

6. General conclusions:
It is a very outstanding work, important and above all of great value in our personal
and professional lives, totally enjoyable, it is a work that is written to apply it to the
situation that arises so that people can cope with grief meaningfully.
Personally, it is a book that I really liked, especially because of the stories that
arise in each case.

7. Bibliography