My Testimony, Part 4

When I started writing, I planned NOT to make certain parts of my life public. But as the story unfolded, I realized that I needed to go ahead and disclose some missing pieces to the puzzle for several reasons. I will endeavour to use pseudonyms and such when possible. But please note it is not my intention to blame, criticize, or condemn people by writing my story. I just pray that in the act of exposing myself and others that it will lead all to the fountain of hope and healing that I have found. In this section of the story I will interrupt the chronology and spend a little more time explaining what I suffered from in this era of my life, the cause, and the cure.

The Disease
After reading My Testimony, part 3, one of my friends asked if I might have OCD - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I didn't know what it was so she directed me to this website: http://www.netburst.net/guilty/scrupulosity.htm. After reading this excellent article I said Wow! I guess I did. I didn't know there was a label for what I went through. But this information really helps me understand what I suffered from, especially during my college years. So now that I have a diagnosis like twenty years later, I have a specific purpose in writing my story to unfold how I got that disease and how I don't have it anymore. OCD showed its ugly head in my life in the following ways: 1) Over-sensitive conscience constantly sending me on guilt trips over food, devotional exercises, and the way I lived my life in general. 2) Constant fear of God's disapproval. 3) Constant fear of the disapproval of authority figures, particularly spiritual and godly persons. 4) Fear that I didn't take the proper steps in repentance and confession to expiate sin in my life. 5) Thinking many things were sin that weren't. 6) Constant burden of remorse. 7) Repeatedly confessing sins and sins and begging forgiveness from God and others. 8) Depression, discouragement, constant fear of failure. 9) Hypochondria. 10) Disposing of innocent things that I feared were a source of temptation to me. As I look back, I realize that this was definitely a disease of the mind triggered by various physical, mental, emotional and spiritual factors.

The Physical Cause

Physical degeneration and illnesses go back several generations on both sides of my genetics. Hypoglycemia, hypothyroidism, hypo tension, allergies, indigestion, asthma, and other such are quite prevalent. I didn't experience asthma but I did suffer from all of the other things. I did not get a diagnosis for any of these things until the post-college years. So at the time I didn't know what was wrong with me and my self-diagnosis was usually off, as well as the cures I tried. 2011 New Life Mission Canada 1

I heard much about the eight laws of health: Nutrition Exercise Water Sunshine Temperance Air Rest Trust in Divine Power I thought I was living these but see now that there were a few that didn't get as much attention as they needed, and others that weren't properly balanced. For example, I didn't realize what kind of special diet would specifically help hypoglycemia. The things I enjoyed eating most only made it worse. So I definitely lacked proper nutrition. The importance of exercise of the body in the fresh air and sunshine cannot be underestimated. But I hate just exercising for the sake of exercise. Having so little duties or work requirements that provided this, I fell terribly short (and still do!) It's hard to trust in divine power when you are constantly in fear of offending God. More about that later. Through the years my self-diagnosis led me to mistakenly think I had mono or chronic fatigue. Finally in March of 2010 my family doctor diagnosed me with adrenal fatigue and vitamin D deficiency. Check out www.adrenalfatigue.org for more information.

The Ninth Law

I have no idea where to fit dressing for health into the eight laws so I will call it the ninth. I am absolutely certain that false ideas in this area contributed largely to my illness. You see, I grew up in nominal and conservative SDA circles where women were expected to dress a certain way. SOP was often [mis]quoted in support of certain guidelines and no one dare question that. Women were expected to wear dresses all the time or nearly so with the hem about nine inches from the floor. Could be longer but definitely no shorter. Hosiery was the standard leg covering, going barelegged was considered tacky and immodest. Tights could be worn in the winter time but socks were also considered pretty tacky looking, especially with certain shoe styles. I remember one time in elementary school my dear teacher told me I needed to sit like a lady with my knees tight together or my legs crossed. Otherwise too much of the thighs could be exposed to people across the room. But I HATED sitting like a lady. It made my back ache. Couldn't I just wear jeans instead and sit however was comfortable???? I grew up in OOOOOOklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain. All too often it would whip around a building or under a vehicle and spin dresses quite a bit higher than nine inches from the floor, sometimes even above the head! Horrors! I never saw that happen to anyone in jeans. Now really, which one is more modest and practical? That Okie wind is either VERY hot or VERY cold. There is just nothing more uncomfortable than hosiery on a hot and humid day. Then you go inside where the air conditioning drops the atmospheric 2011 New Life Mission Canada 2

temperature about forty degrees and your sweat forms an ice crust. I remember my feet ALWAYS being cold. And my ears too. After much urging from friends and relatives I let my aunt cut my hair and I kept it layered throughout my high school and college years and for several years following. I got a few permanents and would spend a lot of time in front of the mirror with a curling iron fighting with my cowlicks trying to make my hair fluff just right. But you just couldn't use enough hairspray to keep it that way in an Okie wind. Nevertheless I continued fighting a losing battle. Ladies certainly couldn't wear a hat and smash their fluffed-up hairdo. That would just be so tacky. I was never one to worship at the shrine of fashion. But I didn't want to be laughed at either. Scorn hurt a lot. And invariably when I would wear a hat or scarf to cover my aching ears someone would tease: What? Do you think it's cold or something? So I would try to survive without and then get congested and catch a cold. My frequent bouts with indigestion made anything around my waist uncomfortable and at times unbearable. But how else do you keep a skirt on if it isn't a little bit tight? Oh yes, you can wear jumpers and dresses. I did wear jumpers sometimes but they were too tacky to wear to work in an office or to school. And it simply wasn't possible for me to find dresses that fit my odd combination of body measurements. Sure I knew how to sew but I didn't know how to adjust patterns to fit. So I would sew and then end up giving it away because it didn't look or fit right. So my health suffered because my limbs were either cold or burnt or sweating; my ears were cold; and my gizzard cramped. I hated it but I didn't know any better. I followed the example and counsel of women that I respected. And of course stayed within the bounds of institutional rules where I lived from the age of 14-30. I remember the day so well when I broke completely free from the clutches of culture and fashion after studying it out and learning what God's will was for me to wear. I no longer have to choose between comfort and looks, practicality and institutional guidelines, or being healthy and being ladylike. I've even had more compliments than criticism!!! I can have my cake and eat it too! I would love to write a book but I just haven't had time. I will tell you more about itwhen we get to that part of the story.

Sapping the Adrenals

Not knowing where mental food fits in the list I guess I can call it the tenth law. I learned to read at the tender age of six. Right away I became a book worm. I enjoyed stories the most, especially horse stories and mission stories. I would read ALL the time. I remember my brother begging me to come outside and play with him. But I was buried in my book and could hardly break away to do my chores. The stories were all true but they were addictive. I would get so absorbed in the story that I remember experiencing physical reactions during intense moments breaking into a cold sweat with my heart pounding. When I had to put it down to chore my mind kept reliving it. Another thing I was addicted to was Your Story Hour and the Bible in Living Sound. We had every cassette tape produced at the time. These were dramatized Bible stories and character building stories with voice actors, sound effects, and enhancing music. Music is something I am particularly sensitive to. I become involved enough in a story but you add to the suspense with music and I am finished. Totally enraptured with my adrenaline pumping. There were some stories so bad I just couldn't stand to listen to them: Eric B Hare's rendition of Pip Pip the naughty 2011 New Life Mission Canada 3

chick; Your Story Hour's Little Bad Legs, and other similar stories. They would simply turn me into a basket case. After inheriting weak adrenals this was just too much. I'd stay up late at night listening to or reading stories. And when I did turn out the lights my imagination would keep going and I would dream and sleep fitfully. Am I EVER thankful that my parents chose not to have a television in our home. When I did get a chance to watch it I found myself absolutely glued to the screen. Totally enraptured with my adrenaline pumping. Vivid pictures still replay in my mind decades later. I know not everyone is as sensitive as I am. Please count yourself fortunate if that is the case. And probably few will agree with me on this point. But I am certain there is a close connection between my mental illness of OCD and this mental diet I grew up on. The mind is composed of several different organs including conscience, reason, intellect, appetite, desire, emotion, imagination, judgement, memory and others. All are controlled by the power of the will. When one organ of the mind gets excessive exercise and others lie dormant, the mind becomes unbalanced and diseased. Just like if you put one arm in a sling and do everything with the other. When the mind gets far more exercise than the body, disease invariably follows. My imagination got excessive exercise on the mental diet of my childhood years. The stories I read and listened to did not trigger much exercise of thought in the areas of reason, intellect, and judgement. So when I went away to high school and took on an excessive class load, my body could not sustain the demands on the mind and I fell sick. Various symptoms stayed with me to a greater or lesser degree all the way through college, even though I changed my mental diet in eighth grade. There is nothing more calculated to strengthen the mind than Bible study. I know this by experience. The Bible will activate in a balanced way all the different organs of the mind. No other book on earth is capable of doing this. If you want to reach the highest potential of mental development, put away the stories, television, movies and vain, empty, foolish things, and eat the bread which came down from heaven. Why dig in the garbage bin for a few scraps to live on when you can eat at the King's table? Come to the supper of the Lamb. The childhood and teenage years are a very critical time to lay a good foundation for health. So based on my own experience, I plan to do differently with my children. I am not anxious to teach my children to read too early. They love to run and play outside and go everywhere with Dad on the horses and on the tractor. That is good for them. The more the merrier. I don't want them sitting in front of a computer and buried in books any time too soon. They need all the fresh air and sunshine they can get. I do not own a single copy of Eric B Hare, Your Story Hour or the Bible in Living Sound. I don't need them. I have no dramatized anything in my house. I can't handle it. I have no adrenaline to spare on such things. I use The Bible Stories and My Bible Friends and other such books only for the pictures. I read the story directly from the KJV. Of course I try to tell it with lifelike expression and my style is improving with practice. So my cherubs go around telling stories to one another in King James' English. It's so adorable. And yes, they have no trouble understanding it even at the tender ages of two and three. Go ahead and call me crazy, fanatical, or whatever. I don't care. I just know it works for me and my house. You probably don't want to 2011 New Life Mission Canada 4

Stay tuned for Part 5.

In the meantime, remember one of Elder Hiner's favorite sayings: He drew a circle and shut me outheretic, rebel, a thing to flout; But God and I had the will to winwe drew a circle and took him in.

2011 New Life Mission Canada