Gilling 1 Meghan Gilling Comm 322 Professor Dunn November 17, 2009 Thought Diary: Attraction Theory Have

you ever sat around and wondered, why you were attracted to that man? Of course we sit around and talk about what attracts us to people- blondes or brunettes, a muscled man or maybe a less defined one. But how did we decide that was attractive? How did we decide certain features were part of a list in order to potentially form a relationship with someone? Our textbook, Interplay The Process of Interpersonal Communications states that the reason why we enter relationships is because of interpersonal attraction, a desire for intimacy, and a quest for commitment (book). The very first reason listed, is attraction. Merriam-Webster defines attraction as something that attracts or is intended to attract people by appealing to their desires and tastes (dictionary). Since there are entire industries around attraction- dating services, gyms, beauty salons, restaurants, and anything else used in the process of attracting and obtaining a relationship with anyone, scientists decided to study the theories of attraction and came up with some very interesting things. One of the first things scientists discovered, as noted in lecture notes, is that physical attraction is more important to men. Research done by scientists as reported in our textbook shows that Appearance is especially important in the early stages of the relationship( book), reconfirming this idea. It is also believed

Gilling 2 that these more physically attractive people will possess other qualities that the potential suitor likes. An interesting blend of these ideas is shown by Professor Dunns research, which showed that men who were just dating around, had a minimum number to rate women. Generally the highest number was given to looks, and personality, generally have a lower number. These numbers are both considered, and depending on whether the man is looking for a serious relationship or just to date around and have some fun, the number value of looks vs. personality fluctuates. For women however, these two numbers are blended, averaged, in order to produce one whole number, which they base off of. So a man looking for some fun may decide a woman is a 8 in looks and a 3 in personality, and he will go home with her, over the woman who is an 8 in personality, and maybe a 4 in looks. A woman would look at the man who is a 5 in looks and an 8 in personality, average it, and still generally go for it. Other aspects besides physical appearance that are an important part of attraction theory, are proximity and similarity. Obviously the more you are around a specific person, the chances of one being attracted to one another, or at least a one sided attraction, have higher and higher chances of being developed. A new woman moves in next door, the bachelor next door invites her over for dinner, then they start seeing each other around, and then they become jogging partners, and before we know it they potentially form an attraction because they are potentially compatible, have things in common, are physically attractive together, and of course because they spend time together. Proximity allows us to get more information about other people( book) and disclosure, that is, telling your partner the most

Gilling 3 secret things trustingly, is a very important aspect of a relationship. Trust takes time to build, and its very easy to do so by spending lots of time with your partner or potential partner, which is of course easier to do when they are physically closer to you. Similarity is important as well because as lecture notes state Being attracted to people like yourself, validates you( lecture). Whether we believe it or not, we like to be validated, to be confirmed that what we like and what we value is important and worthwhile, and when we find that in another person, especially a person with whom one is so intimately involved with, that validation is what enforces we are a good person and can be a form of ego support (book). With someone else who likes photography and dogs, we are essentially told that photography and dogs are good, because this other person likes them as well. Or both members of the relationship are outdoors people and like to go camping, hiking, and kayaking. Since its something both enjoy, one partner will not get upset when most of the couples activities involve outdoor events instead of perhaps indoor events. Rather, this couple with [be] [happier] and [more] satisfied in their marriage (book) than a couple where one person is an outdoor enthusiast who practically lives in the woods, whos partner doesnt even like walking from the front door to their car. In order to really see how attraction theory applies, especially in a common single setting, dating websites and personal ads posted by single men were researched. These men ranged in age from 18-21 years old, and all lived within a 25 mile distance of either Charlotte, NC or Hilton Head Island, SC. These men were

Gilling 4 found through match.com, and the Creative Loafing personal ads, in order to see how these men advertised themselves in order to attract a potential girlfriend. The most important aspect of course, was to see what men thought women wanted, what they thought their selling points, or advantages were. These profiles ranged in everything from Im [sic] not going to try to hide anything YES IM [sic] SINGLE AND YES IM [sic] LOOKING (TML89), to all i want, more or less, is an attractive lady friend to spend time with and talk about video games and whatever interests her (NintendoFanboy). The match.com profile is set up in a very easy manner, which provides the user to fill out a disclosing profile at will. The first body of text a reader comes across is the About me and who Im looking for section. There are men who waxed on about how my match and myself should not only love each other deeply, but should also inspire each other to be the ideal version of ourselves (k1tschy) and how they wanted to love to find that someone [he] could spend long weekends at the beach with or take any sort of vacation with (TML89). It is pretty easy to read through these profiles and pick out the potentially more genuine, easy going guy, than the one who is trying to appeal to womens wants and needs in a man. These men had some very interesting selling points listed in their profile, such as Simple guy, with good morals and good prospects. I am very logical I am very laid back, looking for someone to spend the rest of my light with (Kevin3307), she shouldnt have to do anything at all to make me want to make her laugh and smile (k1tschy), Im a pretty quiet guy- more of a listener than a talker- although I can be pretty outgoing when among friends (NintendoFanboy), Basically Im just

Gilling 5 a laid back, caring guy who would like to meet a girl outside of social circle (JayF88) and I go to a lot of concerts [] I would love to meet a girl who shares these interests but manly someone who likes me for who I am and not think of me as an angry metalhead (MustangMan266). These are just some excerpts from the profiles of these men, all of which have been placed in the About me and who Im looking for section. The placement of these blurbs is very important, as it really is the first thing that catches ones eye. It is clear that some of these guys are trying to sound as general and appealing as possible, such as k1tschy, and JayF88. Then there is NintendoFanboy, who makes statements about himself, but immediately tries to make up for the potential shortcomings, like the fact that he is more of a listener, potentially a turn off, but that he is outgoing amongst friends, a potential turn on. MustangMan266 is very clear about what he wants in a girl, potentially indicating hes hand previous girlfriends who saw him as an angry metalhead and hes trying to show that he is more than that. More general points the guys tried to show were that they were interested in photography, dining out, music, movies, traveling, reading, cooking, coffee and conversation, performing arts, exercise, fishing, and going to concerts. Below the About me and who Im looking for section of the profile is the About me section, where the user simply clicks on option and selects them. The interest category is five spaces down, however right below the users profile picture on the left side, is the for fun section under In my own words where the user has the ability to freestyle their own blurb where things ranged from fishing, to drinking with friends, to writing music.

Gilling 6 One of the most interesting things about these profiles, is that very single one of them made it very clear that they had a job, were in college, or that they were both working and in school. Phloxx27 stated I go to south Mecklenburg Highschool, and hope to graduate soon and go to College in his my education section. TML89 states I am the Kitchen Manager of a restaurant in the Ballantyne area and love my job. However, it is believed that TML89 sees this as a potential flaw, as his About me and who Im looking for section has a whole paragraph that tells all about how he went through the ranks from cashier to Kitchen Manager and how hes also going to school because this wont be his career. It is very easy to see that TML89 believes that women want security, an educated man, and a man who is going to potentially have an impressive title and job. So he makes it clear he is working, which is a good thing, and then goes on to cover for the fact that hes not necessarily a CEO, by stating his achievements and future goals. Kevin3307 tries to make up for his potential shortcoming by seeming more intellectual, or well rounded. His my job blurb tells us he is a Maintenance Technician at a big plant in Concord. I like fixing machines, its challenging but makes me feel useful. I am the Vice President of Charlotte Area Aquarist Society (its legit, lots of members). Once again, here is a man who is not a big banker, or a doctor, yet he qualifies that by showing that he has other interests and responsibilities, that being the Vice President of the Aquarist Society. Both of these men, and all the others who wrote anything about their families, or how they write music, or how they just want an attractive, easy going girl, are all trying to appeal to the mass audience of women. Only one man, NintendoFanBoy clearly stated that he is in need of a hot-videogame-nerd

Gilling 7 girlfriend. All of the other profiles stated that as long as shes funny, sweet, somewhat attractive, laid back, easygoing, not to bossy, enjoys being around him, and likes to travel and relax, shes good to go. As such, only 1 out of 9 guys specified information about physical appearances on there About my date section. Out of Hair, Eyes, Height, Body Type, Language, Ethnicity, Faith, Education, Job, Income, Smoke, Drink, Relationships, Have Kids, and Want Kids, only one man actually selected answers for Hair and Eyes specifically. Some selected answers for Body Type, but either selected most of, or all of the options. For most Height was answered from 40 to 60. Obviously these guys are trying to be very general and not clearly state I want a busty blonde with green eyes, who is model thin, drinks like a sailor, and is 53. By being general more women are more likely to look over their profile, and potentially contact them. Specific requirements will scare women off either because they dont meet those requirements, or because they think the guy is too picky. But by being very broad and very general, at least until these potential matches speak, the likelihood of being contacted by a potential match is higher because she isnt so pressured to meet certain requirements. Elements of similarity seem to be very somewhat to these guys. Whether it be the girl who likes concerts and doesnt see Mustang Man266 as an angry metalhead, the optimistic girl who is going to give deeply of herself to k1tschy, or the lucky girl who TML89 gets to take fishing, they do have some specific things in mind. However, as stated before, it seems that most of them are more self disclosing about themselves and there interests, perhaps so they seem as easy going, potentially more compatible, and easier to introduce to new things. As a single

Gilling 8 female reviewing these profiles I was surprised more of them didnt state very specific desired similarities, however it also seems that these guys are trying to be just the general guy, interested in everything. These guys for the most part arent just pegged as the outdoor guy, the music guy, and the artsy guy. They all seem pretty general, which in turn tells one that there would potentially be a greater amount of things that we would be compatible on, rather than not. So the more common aspects of similarity, the things a mass amount of people are generally interested in, cooking, hanging out, socializing, going to a movie or concert, are advertised, rather than more specific things like jumping out of planes, designing clothing, writing novels, and tattooing the general public. Just for comparison sake, ten women were selected from match.com as well, and their profiles were looked over. Five out of 10 women either specifically stated physical traits such as savedbychrist1 who [likes] a big guy, someone who is tall, stalky/bulky or dancetothe_radio who state she is Looking for a country guy at the top of her profile. Even if specific things like this werent mentioned, these five women still filled out more information in the About my date category than the men did. Whether it was listing some, or all of the eye and hair colors, specific body types, or specific religions, these five women clearly stated what they were looking for. For very specific aspects of life, such as religion, especially should a potential partner be very religious and value that in their partner, yes stating that information is very important in order to cut down the potential candidates. However, half of these women were very specific in the About my date category. Yes most of them said something about just looking for the right guy, or the guy they can trust or what

Gilling 9 have you, but the fact that more women specifically filled out the About my date category, which contains aspects of the physical features, is very interesting. This random sampling causes one to wonder if women really do compromise on looks as was previously stated, or if they are starting to get a little more selective. The women were less informative about their potential shortcomings. Instead they wrote things like Im Respectful, Hard Working, Loyal and a Good Listener [sic] (brittanydawn389), I love to party and have fun. Im a truck driver in the Army National Guard (dancetothe_radio), I am looking for a man who is loving, caring, gentle, trustworthy, CHRISTIAN [sic], and ready to settle down in the next few years (savedbychrist1), and I want to find someone who has goals in their life. Someone who isnt afraid of doing what makes them happy (kate9235). It seems that more of the women were even more general than the men as well, for their likes and things of similar interest. While the men listed that they liked cooking, fishing, going to movies, and things of that nature, both in their blurbs, and the computer generated answer section of About me, women were more like to go on about themselves in a more disclosing way. Whether they were talking about their favorite flowers, tattoos, pets, hobbies, or how they are old fashioned when it comes to dating men, the women provided more information on more general topics and information. I am a fun, outgoing girl looking for a relationship. Im from a small island town, and I am currently loving city and college life. I enjoy spontaneous trips and events, having fun, and taking adventures. Im not necessarily a girly girl, nor am I a rough it in the woods sort of girl. I love the arts, specifically theatre, musical theatre,

Gilling 10 music, and photography. I enjoy educated people, and people you can have a real conversation with. I love socializing but I also need some down time. An equal balance between the two is ideal. Overly pessimistic, overly dramatic, and overly jealous guys are a no go. Im not a fan of drama, especially when it isnt necessary. Smokers, excessive drinkers, commitment phobes and guys around my height (53) are deal breakers as well. Im not really a fan of children, and Im certainly not looking to get married and start having them any time soon. I love learning news things and educating myself in any way possible. My ad is kind of the exception to the rule. Im a girl that doesnt really have a type, as in I dont have to have a muscle head or an emo boy. I generally find them all attractive. There are certain lines that are crossed, but for the most part, Im attracted to most types and as such Im not the best example. However, my ad does mimic more of the ladies ads, in that self disclosing about likes, dislikes are more prevalent than my flaws. I am like the other 5 women, and 8 out of 9 men, who did not necessarily place a lot on looks. I didnt find it necessary, other than height, to include hair or eye color, body type, or anything along those lines, in my ad because as previously stated, I find most guys attractive. I agree with the idea of proximity that being around your interest helps. When looking for potential matches on match.com, the longest distance that I entered was 25 miles. While having a partner on campus sometimes isnt necessarily the best idea, long distance is far from ideal. The similarity theory is somewhat reflected. Obviously someone who hates the arts would not be a good person for me to date, as I frequently listen to, watch, or discuss them. Nor would someone who wants to live a simple life in a tree house in the

Gilling 11 woods be a good match. However I do not believe that my partner and I need the exact same similarities, or that it is healthy for any relationship. Common goals and similarities to an extent are ideal. Whether one admits it or not, the theories and ways of attraction are always being considered. Whether a female decides to dress in red to attract more attention, or whether a male suddenly takes up mountain biking to spend more time around his crush, people are consistently modifying what they do in order to attract someone, or they are wondering what they can change in order to better attract someone. By studying the various theories of attraction one can more directly apply them to the dating scene, however they arent cut and dry methods, and they arent things that can necessarily always be applied. However, knowing that couples who have similar interests generally have happier marriages, helps one keep in mind that consistently changing to appeal to a certain partners likes and dislikes is pointless. It is also helpful in reviewing ones self and figuring out what one may be doing wrong in attempting to attract someone.

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Gilling 13 Match.com. Web. 15 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=Fhlg+Tz84zirJp7KqQ4BK A==&handle=brittanydawn389&tp=S&mpopt=1>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 15 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=HKnGB0EvX9InZftVD2 V+fw==&handle=blee8907&tp=S&pn=5&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 15 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=KNnD+qXgzqxEbV+53N hfSQ==&handle=dancetothe_radio&tp=S&mpopt=1>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 15 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=tJGw+wCHPWaGd4u6JT DiJg==&handle=savedbychrist1&tp=S&pn=4&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 15 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=Ze2oTgXH6MhRC5SYq+ uRuA==&handle=Ashleigha1990&tp=S&pn=5&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=88P2GUpZ+LP72fWvW/ x85g==&handle=NintendoFanboy&tp=S&pn=6&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>.

Gilling 14 "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=c7D5dN74pJIpWrKGGA VqFA==&handle=MustangMan266&tp=S&pn=2&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=HZ+9D7JTP/g9pyNaaHS UeA==&handle=k1tschy&tp=S&pn=2&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=KVOe8xpHgUQspCitmM sgcQ==&handle=JayF88&tp=S&pn=7&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=M/LhgtVkKvhCWnLEX2 fodQ==&handle=bosslady121&tp=S&mpopt=1>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=pvkHyhCnOAxBsvcOpH0 fMw==&handle=TML89&tp=S&mpopt=1>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=pvkHyhCnOAxBsvcOpH0

Gilling 15 fMw==&handle=TML89&tp=S&mpopt=1>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=WcJYNtMRp5JcuwGJ6k Y3bA==&handle=Phloxx27&tp=S&pn=9&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=+yFxBK7bZOXuPmT0uR wbCQ==&handle=Kevin3307&tp=S&mpopt=1>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 16 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=yMASC45uya1WNWwr6f 4fGw==&handle=tkersey1&tp=S&pn=1&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>. "Match.com - Find Singles with Match.com's Online Dating Personals Service." Match.com. Web. 169 Nov. 2009. <http://www.match.com/profile/showProfile.aspx?uid=Org+vVZYvl8GUSxqk5KlIg==& handle=borncountry8&tp=S&pn=1&rn=4&do=2&lid=18>.