Red Lights and Blue Books

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS Story, lyrics, and music by Douglas Bishop
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2 ACT I SCENE ONE (The Storyville train platform, with a metal bench.) (CANDY and SANDY enter, rushing, STAGE LEFT, dressed in 1910s blouses and skirts.) CANDY Oh, my God. (to Marcus, O.S.) The train is coming! The train is coming! SANDY So long!
Oh, I simply love trains.
So much... steel.
CANDY I don't know why, but whenever I see a train blast into a tunnel, I feel all funny inside. (MARCUS enters, STAGE LEFT, dressed in a suit.) MARCUS (to Lucas, O.S., begging) Hurry up, Lucas. The train is almost here. LUCAS (O.S.) I'm a little nervous about this. MARCUS (to Lucas, O.S.) We talked about this. You're going to do fine. (to Candy and Sandy) Ladies, thank you for your time. It was very nice of Madame Bouvey to lend you to us for the afternoon. (sound of whistles, breaks) MARCUS The train. It's arriving. (to Lucas, O.S.) Would you hurry, man!
RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP
(LUCAS enters STAGE LEFT, in a suit, carrying huge stack of Blue Books.) LUCAS I'm here. (groaning) I'm here. MARCUS Set them down! (Lucas puts down his stack.) LUCAS (exhausted) My God. MARCUS Alright, Lucas. This is your big moment. been training for. LUCAS I'm gonna vomit. CANDY AND SANDY It's here! It's here! MARCUS Hot damn, here we go. (DING! DING! DING!)
Set them down!
The one you've
CONDUCTOR (V.O.) This stop, New Orleans Terminus. This stop Storyville. LUCAS My God. CANDY (to Marcus) So, what exactly do we do? MARCUS Ah. Well you see, ladies. All you have to do is stand here and get their attention. You're the eye candy.
SANDY Easy! CANDY Yeah, we can do that! (MAN AND WIFE #1, arm in arm, enter from STAGE RIGHT holding luggage. Candy and Sandy, full of bravado, run to center stage and, with backs to the audience, rip open their shirts.) CANDY AND SANDY Over here! (The wife, aghast, drags her neckcraning husband away and exits, STAGE LEFT.) MARCUS Too much! Too much! (Marcus runs up behind Candy, closing her shirt and pinning it to her chest. Candy and Sandy turn, confused, clutching their shirts.) CANDY Hey, that costs extra. MARCUS (arms around both girls) I'm sorry. That was my mistake. Why don't you two stand over here and just... look pretty. CANDY AND SANDY Okay. (Candy and Sandy walk to the front of the stage and mime conversation while redressing.) MARCUS Now, Lucas--
Woooooo!
Over here!
LUCAS If you make me do this I'll throw up on you. MARCUS Remember your training, man. LUCAS My mind's completely blank. (He pushes Lucas toward STAGE RIGHT. Lucas resists, pushing back. MAN AND WIFE #2 enter, STAGE RIGHT and approach the ticket window.) MARCUS (pushing Lucas) Lucas, I won't... abandon you. I'm... here if you... need... help. LUCAS Okay. (turns and grabs Marcus by the suit) Help me, Marcus! Help me! MARCUS (fighting for control of the suit) Get a hold of yourself. (Marcus frees himself and spins Lucas to face the ticket window.) MARCUS Now. I want you to relax. Breathe deep. through this.
I can't.
I'll walk you
(Lucas takes a deep breath. Marcus hands him one of the Blue Books from the stack. Lucas hugs it.) LUCAS Now what?
6 (Song: Blue Book Value) MARCUS YOU... SEE... THAT... MAN THERE? CANDY, SANDY GOOD HAIR! MARCUS SHOES WITHOUT STRIFE. GO ON APPROACH HIM CANDY, SANDY TALL! THIN! MARCUS AWAY FROM HIS WIFE. IF HE'S A SMART ONE. CANDY, SANDY CUTE, HUH? MARCUS SHARP AS A KNIFE. HE WILL GLADLY THANK YOU FOR THE TIME OF HIS LIFE. LUCAS He will? MARCUS Most likely. IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK FULL OF PLACES TO GO IT COMES IN HANDY CANDY, SANDY WOO! MARCUS WHEN YOU'RE JONESIN' A SHOW. IT'S FULL OF PHOTOS CANDY, SANDY CLICK, POOF!
7 MARCUS OF GIRLS YOU SHOULD KNOW. PEOPLE CALL IT BLUE BOOK 'CAUSE THE COVER'S INDIGO. LUCAS That doesn't make any sense. MARCUS Just go with it. THE MADAMS PAY US CANDY, SANDY FULL PRICE MARCUS TO WAIT BY THE TRAINS. AND FIND THE POOR SAPS WHOSE WIVES ARE A PAIN. THEN WHEN WE FIND ONE CANDY, SANDY BOOM, DONE. MARCUS OUR LOSS IS HIS GAIN. We get him into the mood so he can end up getting screwed! In a good way. LUCAS Right. (Wife #2 leaves Man #2 at the ticket window, exits STAGE LEFT. Lucas walks slowly to the ticket window.) MARCUS IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK FULL OF PLACES TO GO IT COMES IN HANDY CANDY, SANDY WOO! MARCUS WHEN YOU'RE JONESIN' A SHOW.
8 IT'S FULL OF PHOTOS CANDY, SANDY CLICK, POOF! MARCUS OF GIRLS YOU SHOULD KNOW. PEOPLE CALL IT BLUE BOOK 'CAUSE THE COVER'S INDIGO. (Lucas slowly approaches the ticket window) (BEAT X2 MEASURES...) CANDY, SANDY DA, DA! (X2) (Lucas fakes a sneeze and holds up a Blue Book. The man takes it and reads.) MARCUS IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK, PLACES TO GO BLUE BOOK, GIRLS YOU SHOULD KNOW IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK, BOOM, BOOM CANDY, SANDY DA, DA! MARCUS BA DOOM, BA DOOM, BOOM, BOOM CANDY, SANDY DA, DA! (The man's wife returns and slaps Lucas in the face.) MARCUS, CANDY, SANDY Oooo! (The wife throws the book on the ground and drags her husband off.) MARCUS Oh, that was bad.
9 (Lucas, dejected, holding face, picks up the book.) NEW CUSTOMER (O.S.) Psst! (Marcus and the girls look around. They check their pockets, look into the sky and under their feet. Lucas stands still, curious.) NEW CUSTOMER (O.S.) Psst! (NEW CUSTOMER, a male in a suit, back to Lucas, enters, STAGE LEFT.) MARCUS IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK, PLACES TO GO IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK, GIRLS YOU SHOULD KNOW IT'S CALLED THE BLUE BOOK... (New Customer and Lucas walk backward until they meet. Lucas hands New Customer a Blue Book behind his back and New Customer hurriedly exits STAGE LEFT. Marcus shakes Lucas' hand.) MARCUS Congratulations, Lucas. Fine job. Fine job, man. now a full member of the Order of the Garter Belt. LUCAS All right! MARCUS Now go get the books. LUCAS Right. (Lucas hurriedly retrieves the books. Some fall. He kicks them along, exits STAGE LEFT.) MARCUS Come on, ladies.
You are
10
(Marcus wraps his arms around Candy and Sandy, groping their butts.) CANDY, SANDY Extra! (Marcus returns his hands to their waists. They exit, STAGE LEFT.)
11 ACT I SCENE TWO (Mayor's office, a desk and two chairs.) (Sound of door open/closing.) (MAYOR MARTY and JOE enter, stage right.) MAYOR MARTY I just don't see why you had to come all the way down here, is all. We could have handled this over the telephone. JOE Forgive me, Mr. Mayor-MAYOR MARTY Please, call me Marty. JOE Forgive me, Mr. Mayor, but your track record of snubbing the wishes of the citizens of the great state of Louisiana is well documented. MAYOR MARTY I find that to be a gross mischaracterization. JOE You are a degenerate. A sick man. And while you may have been mayor here for a term or two-MAYOR MARTY Just started my fifth, thanks-JOE While that may be impressive to a historian, if you don't yield to my demands you're going to find some tough competition next time around. MAYOR MARTY Planning on moving to the bijou, are you?
You don't say?
JOE This place is a cesspool. I wouldn't move here if gold poured out of the ground.
12
MAYOR MARTY Boy, you're just all kinds of fun, aren't you? JOE I'm talking about a bold new political movement, Mr. Mayor, that's going to sweep people like you out of office all over the country. MAYOR MARTY I have no interest in hearing about your movements. JOE A cleanser that will scrub the diseased stench of your perverted ways into oblivion. MAYOR MARTY Look, Joe. We're both politicians. We read the same polling data and look at the same maps. You can't become President without Louisiana. You can't win Louisiana without New Orleans. If you shut down the red-light district... you'll lose everything. JOE This isn't about politics... it's about righteousness. MAYOR MARTY Joe, there's no such thing as a politician that doesn't care about politics. JOE This fight isn't over yet. I have the power to shut down Storyville anytime I choose. MAYOR MARTY Hearts and minds.
And I have the people. a trip.
Sorry you wasted
(Knocking.) MAYOR MARTY More visitors. (to Cardinal, O.S. stage right)
Great. Come in!
(Sound of door opening/closing.)
13
(A catholic CARDINAL, wearing a huge red hat, enters STAGE RIGHT.) JOE The clergy.
Well, what do you know?
Hello, padre!
CARDINAL I'm not a padre... I am a Cardinal. Look at the size of my hat! Do you think they just give these out to anyone? JOE Forgive me padre-- Cardinal-(bows deeply) Your eminence. (Cardinal approaches and Joe kisses his ring. A sloppy kiss. Marty is disgusted.) CARDINAL Hello, dear Martin. MAYOR MARTY Marty. CARDINAL Whatever. (Cardinal approaches, extending his arm. Marty kisses his own finger and rubs it on the ring. Cardinal smiles, hiding the insult.) CARDINAL We have missed you in church these past couple of years, Mr. Mayor. MAYOR MARTY Yes, and I feel bad about that. I found the nuns too habit forming. (Mayor Marty laughs alone, then coughs his way out of it.) MAYOR MARTY Something caught in my throat.
Sorry.
14
JOE Your foot no doubt. MAYOR MARTY Well, your lordship, I'm afraid you arrived just in time to say goodbye to our friend from Washington. I have another meeting across town so if you both don't mind... (Mayor Marty motions STAGE RIGHT as if they should leave. No takers.) MAYOR MARTY ...I'll just be going and you can feel free to use my office as long as you like. (Mayor Marty exits, STAGE RIGHT.) JOE I hate that man. CARDINAL I find comfort in knowing that his love of whores and jazz will land him in hell. JOE Ha! Good one, padre. CARDINAL Cardinal! JOE (bows deeply) Your eminence. CARDINAL So what brings you to New Orleans? JOE I came to confront that stuffed shirt. that dumb win five elections?
How does someone
Easy.
CARDINAL The people he leads are even dumber than he is.
15
JOE Yes, well be that as it may... he's right. If I shut down Storyville now, the people will revolt-- destroying any hope I have for the Presidency. (Joe plops into the Mayor's chair) CARDINAL What's it to you if Storyville survives? JOE I hate gambling.
I hate prostitutes. hate... Storyville!
I hate jazz.
Hmf.
CARDINAL Is there anything you do like? (Joe daydreams, smiling and laughing maniacally. Then back to bitter.) JOE
No. CARDINAL What was that? JOE What? CARDINAL You were just smiling. JOE Eh, you wouldn't be interested in that. CARDINAL Try me. JOE I wouldn't feel right.
No.
CARDINAL Joe. I was once a priest. I've taken thousands of confessions. I've heard it all.
16
All right.
JOE I love giving it to my wife in the ass! CARDINAL
Whoa! JOE (lost in daydream, humps the desk) Yeah, aw you like that, don't you! CARDINAL Saint's preserve us! (Cardinal makes Sign of the Cross.) JOE (slaps the desk repeatedly) You want some more, don't you. Say it. Say it! (Cardinal slaps him) Oh. Forgive me padre-- Cardinal-- your eminence. (Joe bows deeply, slamming his forehead against the desk. Clutching it, he reels and falls onto the floor.) CARDINAL God forgive you.
Thirty Hail Mary's.
God forgive you.
(Cardinal pulls a bottle of holy water and pours it onto Joe, then dabs his own neck like cologne. Joe stands.) JOE Cardinal, what am I going to do? CARDINAL God is behind you, my son. He too does not like prostitutes. Or jazz. Or negroes. JOE Amen. (Both make Sign of the Cross.) JOE So you're saying I should pray for guidance?
17
CARDINAL No, I'm saying you should dig up some dirt on those bastards and shut them down forever. JOE Oh, right. Actually, I'm way ahead of you there. I've been bribing some of the poor unfortunates who live in Storyville to feed me information for weeks. God willing-(Both make Sign of the Cross.) JOE I'll destroy "Mayor Marty" and tear Storyville to the ground with my own two hands. (Joe exits, STAGE RIGHT) CARDINAL Ring! (Joe returns and kisses the Cardinal's ring and finger.) CARDINAL Better. (Joe and Cardinal exit, STAGE RIGHT.)
18 ACT I SCENE THREE (Inside Madame Bouvey's brothel, a reception area with a garish three-seat sofa.) (Sound of bell.) (MADAME BOUVEY enters, STAGE LEFT.) BOUVEY Ladies. We have a guest. (Bouvey exits, STAGE RIGHT. ROXY, Candy, and Sandy, each dressed in unique lingerie, enter STAGE LEFT and sit on the sofa. Bouvey enters, STAGE RIGHT.) BOUVEY False alarm, girls. CANDY (stamps her foot) Fooey! BOUVEY It's just Mayor Marty. (Mayor Marty enters, STAGE RIGHT.) ROXY, CANDY, AND SANDY (disappointed) Hi, Marty. (Roxy picks up a Blue Book, reads.) MAYOR MARTY Hello, ladies. (Marcus and Lucas enter, STAGE LEFT.) MARCUS Mayor.
19
MAYOR MARTY Marcus. LUCAS Marty! MAYOR MARTY Lucas. (Mayor Marty plops down on the sofa.) BOUVEY How's life on Saint Charles Avenue? MAYOR MARTY (exhales) I'm at war with Washington and I'm barely holding
Rotten. my own.
BOUVEY Rolling out the big guns are they? MAYOR MARTY Stupid politicians.
Yeah.
BOUVEY It's a shame our rinky-dink sixteen blocks are causing you such a headache. CANDY What's a politician? (Everyone stares at Candy) ROXY Are you kidding me? CANDY I hear people talk about them all the time.
What?
MARCUS Honey, politicians are the scum of the earth. MAYOR MARTY Hey!
20
MARCUS Present company excluded. MAYOR MARTY Thank you. MARCUS They are responsible for making our lives a living hell. MAYOR MARTY Hey! MARCUS Present company excluded. MAYOR MARTY Okay. CANDY But what is a politician? MARCUS Lucky for you, Lucas and I have a story! MARTY, ROXY, SANDY Aw, no. MARCUS Hey. Hey. Hey. This is a good story. one two three four.
A one, a two, a
(Song: Purple Head of State) THERE WERE TWO NATIONS, RUN BY TWO THE PINK GRAND CLAN AND THE PURPLE EACH ONE STOOD ON EITHER SIDE OF A UNTIL THE PURPLE HEADED POLITICIAN MAYORS. PURVEYORS. VALLEY. SPOKE AT A RALLY.
LUCAS I DON'T LIKE THOSE EVIL CLODS OVER THERE. THEY SLEEP ALL DAY AND THEY ALL HAVE LONG HAIR. MARCUS I'VE SEEN THEM SMILE AND THEY ALL SAY HELLO.
21 LUCUS THEY'RE ALL TOO TAN AND THEIR DICKS HANG TOO LOW. MARCUS SO THEN ONE DAY THEY MARCHED OFF TO WAR. SOLDIERS, ARCHERS, TREBUCHETS, ALL RARIN' TO GO. LUCUS THE PURPLE HEADED SOLDIERS THOUGHT THAT THEY COULD ADVANCE. BUT A PINK BOMBARDMENT MADE THEM TAKE A SHIT IN THEIR PANTS. (BEAT, X16 measures. Candy does a cheerleader-esk tribute, complete with "Go State" signs and pompoms. Marcus and Lucas enact war scenes.) MARCUS SO IN THE END, EVERYTHING STAYED THE SAME. EVERYONE WAS DEAD, BUT JUST WHO WAS TO BLAME? THE KIND OF MAN WHO COUNTS GREED AS A POSITIVE TRAAAIT... MARCUS, LUCAS THE FROWNING, SHORT-DICKED PURPLE HEAD OF STAAAATE... WHAT A BUM! CANDY (clapping alone) What a great story. MARCUS Thank you. CANDY I don't get it. ALL EXCEPT CANDY Argh! BOUVEY Sweetie, politicians are bad man-CANDY (coming to a realization) Ohhhh! (turns to Lucas, accusatory) You're a politician.
Woo!
22
LUCAS What? CANDY You tried to put your purple purveyor in my tushy. (Everyone gasps, glares at Lucas.) LUCAS Wha-- Ka-- Fwa-(Lucas hangs his head, exits, STAGE RIGHT. The girls glare at Marcus.) MARCUS I didn't try to put my-- you can't expect me-- fine. (Marcus exits, STAGE LEFT.) BOUVEY Politicians are bad men who win an election.
What?
No, dear.
CANDY I know all about his election and it's not goin' in my butt. ROXY How do you know you won't like it if you don't try it? CANDY I haven't been stabbed with a knife and I know I don't like that! BOUVEY Candy, please stop interrupting the mayor. Mayor.
Continue, Mr.
MAYOR MARTY That's all right, Madame Bouvey. I needed the distraction. The fact of the matter is Admiral Joe can shut down Storyville with a snap of his finger. BOUVEY And why hasn't he?
23 MAYOR MARTY So far, I've been able to hold him at bay with his own ambition. But who knows how long that will last. BOUVEY Poor, Marty. Come. (she stands, taking Mayor Marty's hand) We're going to go have a chat. MAYOR MARTY How dirty a chat are we talking here?
Really.
BOUVEY The kind where I talk and you listen. MAYOR MARTY (disappointed) Aw, man. (Madame Bouvey walks Mayor Marty STAGE LEFT.) (Just before exit, sound of bell.) BOUVEY (over her shoulder) Handle that. (Madame Bouvey and Mayor Marty exit STAGE LEFT. Sandy stands, exits, STAGE RIGHT.) SANDY (O.S.) Right this way. (Sandy holds New Customer's arm as they enter, STAGE RIGHT. Candy stands, excited. Roxy continues reading her book.) SANDY So good of you to stop by. I'm Sandy and this is Candy... CANDY Hi.
Hello.
Come on in.
24 SANDY And that's Roxy. (Roxy acknowledges him with a nod, then back to the book.) SANDY I like music and dancing.
I'm a Capricorn.
CANDY Well I'm a Capricorn, too, and I like sex. SANDY You're not a Capricorn, you're an Aries. That doesn't mix well with his sign. And everyone loves sex. CANDY You don't even know what his sign is. (Sandy spins seductively.) SANDY If you pick me, you can have... all this. (Candy turns and sticks her butt out.) CANDY If you pick me, you can have-(Candy covers her butt, spins, and backs away. She draws a circle around her crotch.) CANDY You can have just this little bit right here. SANDY See that. She's a prude. CANDY She's a liar.
That's not true.
SANDY How dare you call me a liar. Who the hell do you think you are?
25 CANDY I just thought our new friend might like to know that you're a big fatty fat fat liar. SANDY Who you callin' fat you chunky trollop. (Candy gasps. Roxy slams the book shut and stands. Everyone stops.) ROXY Enough! Sit! (All three rush to the sofa, New Customer between the two girls.) ROXY This is why we have a Madame. (A chair slides out magically from STAGE LEFT. The occupants of the sofa look STAGE LEFT then back, impressed.) (Song: Pink) ROXY UPSTAIRS. BEDROOM. TREAT YOU LIKE A NEW GROOM. MASQUERADE. EYEWEAR. WHIP YOU LIKE AN OLD MARE. YOUR MOTHER TOLD YOU CHILD, YOU KNOW YOU'RE BETTER THAN THIS. BUT BET YOUR BOTTOM DOLLAR, I CAN MAKE ME YOUR LAST WISH! WHEN YOU GOTTA HAVE -- PINK! -- DON'T YOU SETTLE FOR LESS. SCREAMIN' OUT MY NAME -- PINK! -- IT'LL MAKE YOU CONFESS. WHEN YOU'RE WALKIN' BY A DREAM HEART BURSTIN' AT THE SEAMS HOUSE ROCKIN' AT THE BEAMS HOLD YOUR BREATH SO YOU DON'T CREAM! THAT'S PINK! FIRESIDE. LAKE-FRONT. CLAW YOUR BACK TILL YOU GRUNT. OUTSIDE. TIE-DOWN. DO IT ON THE COLD GROUND. YOU'D CONSIDER MURDER JUST TO HAVE IT AGAIN. TELLIN' ALL THE PEOPLE YEARS FROM NOW OF LOVIN' WAY BACK WHEN.
26 (bridge, sixteen measures, chair dance) ROXY WHEN YOU GOTTA HAVE -- PINK! -- DON'T YOU SETTLE FOR LESS. SCREAMIN' OUT MY NAME -- PINK! -- IT'LL MAKE YOU CONFESS. YOUR HEART RUNNIN' LIKE A LLAMA NEARLY DROWNIN' IN THE DRAMA HAVE YOU CALLIN' OUT FOR MAMA SWEARIN' UP AND DOWN IT'S KARMA... IT'S NOT KARMA, IT'S PINK! (Roxy drags the chair STAGE LEFT.) NEW CUSTOMER (pointing at Roxy) Mama flam hama jama. ROXY Come on, then. (Roxy and New Customer, rushing to catch up, exit, STAGE LEFT.) SANDY Wow. CANDY How does she do that? SANDY Every time. CANDY Where does that chair come from? (Sandy and Candy stand) SANDY We gotta make one of those. CANDY I wanted to have sex with her. (They start to dance -- horribly. Sandy tweaks a muscle.)
Hugma.
27 SANDY Ow. Don't try that. (Sound of bell ringing.) CANDY Another customer. SANDY Okay. Look sharp.
A customer.
CANDY I'm sorry about earlier. I love you. SANDY Oh! I love you, too. (They kiss. RIGHT.) CANDY I'll get it. SANDY No, I'll get it. CANDY It's my turn. (They exit, STAGE RIGHT.) SANDY (O.S.) You took two turns yesterday. (Sound of door opening.) CANDY AND SANDY (O.S.) (disappointed) Aww! JONESY (O.S.) Hello, ladies. (Candy, Sandy and JONESY, in a suit and hat, trailing, enter, STAGE RIGHT.) Beat. They run, STAGE
28 CANDY AND SANDY Hi, Jonesy. JONESY Nice weather we're having. Eh-- is Aubrey here? CANDY, SANDY Shh! CANDY You know that.
No real names, Jonesy.
Right.
Roxy.
JONESY Is Roxy here?
CANDY She's upstairs, but she should be down in a minute-NEW CUSTOMER (O.S.) (orgasmic) Oh! Oh, hoho, hooo! CANDY Why don't you have a seat? JONESY Thank you, Miss Candy. (Candy, Sandy and Jonesy sit on the sofa.) CANDY So what brings you down to Storyville? SANDY Yet again. JONESY I'm gonna ask Roxy to marry me. (Candy and Sandy stand and walk, STAGE LEFT) SANDY Oh, no.
--or sooner.
29 CANDY Ew. I don't want to be here for this. JONESY No. It won't be like last time. Big money.
I have money coming in.
(Candy and Sandy return to the sofa.) SANDY Money you say? CANDY When was the last time you got laid? SANDY Candy) telling a story. Jonesy) this. CANDY (to Sandy) Stop that. (to Jonesy) Go ahead, Jonesy. Tell us about the money. JONESY Well, Mr. Smith gave me a promotion. You're now looking at the second assistant to the accountant of the third largest factory in New Orleans. SANDY Boring! CANDY Skip to the money.
(to Shut up, the man's (to You could have all
The money, Jonesy.
JONESY The promotion comes with a pay raise. I'm making an extra -- wait for it -- five dollars a week. SANDY (disappointed) Oh, Jonesy.
30 CANDY Fooey! SANDY That's a bad story. JONESY Look, we love each other. We've loved each other since we were kids. And when she sees me moving up in the world-CANDY She's one of the highest paid--
Jonesy, Roxy's different.
Shh!
JONESY Don't say that word. SANDY How shall we put it, then.
Alright.
JONESY (considers the options) She's a happiness fairy. SANDY A happiness fairy? JONESY She makes people... happy. (Candy and Sandy stand, walking STAGE LEFT) SANDY Well, she certainly has a lot of dust lying around. CANDY She's going to eat you alive. (Candy and Sandy exit, STAGE LEFT. New Customer, walking gingerly, holding his freshly-spanked butt, enters, STAGE LEFT. He crosses in front of Jonesy, waves. Jonesy sheepishly waves. Jonesy offers him a seat. He declines, resumes walking, exits, STAGE RIGHT.)
Yes.
31 JONESY Wow. Good service. (Roxy enters, smoking a cigarette.) ROXY What's peeps? JONESY (gushing) Aubrey! ROXY Shhh! CANDY Wait until you hear the big news. ROXY The girls told me.
Hey, Jonesy.
Sorry.
Roxy.
Promotion.
Pay raise.
(Roxy sits beside him.) JONESY Oh. ROXY Prostitutes tell each other everything. JONESY Shhh! ROXY Well, I don't tell them anything, but I certainly get an earful. (Roxy puts the cigarette in her mouth.) JONESY Aren't you happy for us? ROXY Us? Oh, no. (She removes the cigarette. Jonesy drops to one knee and takes her smoky hand.)
Oh, Roxy.
32
JONESY Aubrey Roxy Balashnikov-ROXY Shhh! JONESY Will you marry me? CANDY, SANDY (O.S.) Ooohhh! ROXY (to Candy, Sandy, O.S. left, screaming) Shut up! Oh, Jonesy. (to Jonesy) Ya sick bastard-- No. JONESY Well... why not? (Roxy pulls him back onto the sofa. She ditches the cigarette.) ROXY You want me to stop working and become your wife, right? JONESY Right. ROXY How much money did you make today? JONESY (proudly) Three whole dollars. ROXY And tomorrow? JONESY Also three dollars. ROXY My vagina made that much five minutes
Jonesy.
That's six dollars. ago. Woo!
33
(Roxy uncrosses her legs dramatically, foot way in the air. Jonesy gasps, grabs his hat and covers her panties, looking around.) JONESY Shhh! (She refolds her legs in the opposite direction, crushing his hat. He pulls it out and tries to straighten it. Now turned away from him, Roxy examines her nails.)
ROXY I'm afraid we just want different things, you and I. (Jonesy looks around, deviously.) JONESY But, Roxy. I have another little secret. I'm going to move us... wait for it... to the suburbans. ROXY What the hell's a suburban?
Suburban?
JONESY Well you know how we live here, in the "urban" city. ROXY Where ya goin' with this Jonesy? JONESY Well the sub-urbans are... outside of the city. ROXY That sounds positively awful.
Good, God.
JONESY We get a little bit of land and a house all by itself. ROXY Are you serious? No cable cars? would we go for food, Jonesy?
No sidewalks?
Where
34 JONESY We grow it ourselves. ROXY What the fuck are you talking about? JONESY They have grass and trees and little furry animals. (Roxy stands and walks STAGE RIGHT. Jonesy stands.) ROXY You're freakin' me out. JONESY Just you and me.
Reel it in, Jonesy.
It'll be wonderful.
And our children.
ROXY You keep making all these plans for the future, but you haven't considered what I want right now. JONESY Name it, it's yours. ROXY I'm a healthy young woman, Jonesy. A woman with needs. need a man who can go... the extra mile-JONESY I'll go anywhere. I'll find it. ROXY --in the bedroom. JONESY Eeewww. ROXY I know you hate talking about sex-JONESY Shhh! ROXY So I'll put this delicately.
Anything.
I'll get it.
35 JONESY Okay. (Jonesy sits.) (Song: Mow My Lawn) ROXY DOWN IN HAVANA, A GIRLIE SITS UPON THE BEACH IN A CABANA SIPPIN' DAIQUIRIS ALL GARNISHED WITH BANANAS AND THE BOYS APPROACH HER HOLDING THEIR BANDANAS AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY? OH SEORA? WON'T YOU PLEASE CONSIDER JOINING ME IN MARRIAGE? I WILL WISK YOU OFF AND TAKE YOU IN A CARRIAGE WE WILL LIVE TOGETHER HAPPY IN MY VILLAGE AND THE GIRLIE YELLS "STOP" AND SAYS, IF YOU WANNA MARRY ME, YOU'VE GOT TO MOW MY LAWN KEEP IT CLEAN 'N' NEAT 'N' TIDY, DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG IT'S A PRIVLEDGE NOT A CHORE; DON'T LET ME HEAR YOU MOAN. IF YOU WANNA CALL ME YOUR OWN. BUT SHE'S LONELY, LOVING BOYS WHO COME AND GO CAN GET ANNOYING AND THERE'S ONLY SO MUCH FUN YOU GET FROM TOYING WITH THEIR MINDS WITH THE LAUGHING AND WITH POINTING OR SHE SIMPLY YELLS "STOP" AND SAYS, IF YOU WANNA MARRY ME, YOU'VE GOT TO MOW MY LAWN KEEP IT CLEAN 'N' NEAT 'N' TIDY, DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG IT'S A PRIVLEDGE NOT A CHORE; DON'T LET ME HEAR YOU MOAN. IF YOU WANNA CALL ME YOUR OWN. ONE DAY OUT WALKING, THROUGH THE TOWN HER SHOULDER FEELS A LITTLE TAPPING. SHE TURNS AROUND TO FIND A SWARTHY MAN ADVANCING. TALL AND HANDSOME WITH A SMILE THAT LEAVES HER SOAKING. AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAYS? IF YOU COME AND MARRY ME, I PLAN TO MOW YOUR LAWN KEEP IT CLEAN 'N' NEAT 'N' TIDY DO IT ALL NIGHT LONG LEAVE THE MOWER GASSED AND HUMMING TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN TILL I HEAR YOU SCREAM AND MOAN.
36 ROXY Do you see what I'm getting at, Jonesy? JONESY The grass makes me sneeze.
But I can't mow lawns.
(She kisses his cheek.) ROXY Goodbye, Jonesy. JONESY Wait! Aubrey. Don't go. (Roxy exits, STAGE LEFT. Jonesy sits, crushed. Candy enters, STAGE LEFT.) CANDY How'd it go?
Hey, Jonesy.
JONESY Things went downhill rapidly after she started singing. ROXY (disappointed) I missed a Roxy song.
Oh no!
Fooey!
JONESY I don't understand it. Why would she want to keep doing... this when I can make her... you know... better? CANDY Maybe she likes doing this. Did you ever think of that? JONESY Like? What's to like?
CANDY Well, the money's good. And you get to meet interesting people and find out all about their lives. And the clothing. The clothing is so wonderful! JONESY The clothing? CANDY That's my favorite part.
Yeah.
37
JONESY You sleep with strange men... for the clothing? CANDY No. I sleep with strange men because I'm completely unqualified to do anything else. Like earlier, when you were telling your really sad promotion story -- I had no idea what you were talking about. JONESY I miss the old days when there were no hookers. CANDY (laughing) Oh, Jonesy. There have always been hookers. Storyville that's new. It's
(Song: Story of Storyville) WHAT GOT IT ALL STARTED IN NEW ORLEANS OF OLD, A GENIUS NAMED STORY WHOSE THINKING WAS BOLD. A WILY CONFIDER WHO'D BEEN 'ROUND THE WORLD. AND KNEW THAT A CALL GIRL WAS JUST SOMEONE TO HOLD. HE STARTED STORYVILLE. HIS NAME WAS STORY, YEAH! WE CALL IT STORYVILLE. TO HONOR STORY, YEAH! A SEPARATE CONFINEMENT FULL OF VICES AND SIN. SIXTEEN BLOCKS AT IBERVILLE AND BASIN. IT'S FULL OF BROTHELS, GAMBLING HOUSES AND JAZZ. IT'S THE PLACE TO GO WHEN YOU WANNA GET SOME ASS. WE CALL IT STORYVILLE. NAMED AFTER STORY, YEAH! WE WORK IN STORYVILLE. BECAUSE OF STORY, YEAH! OOOOOO! (16 measure break, strip show, couch dance.) WHEN BUDDY BOLDEN THOUGHT UP JAZZ HE WAS HERE. AUNTIE MADAME JOSIE SERVED UP LADIES AND BEER. TO AN OUTSIDER THE RED LIGHTS MAY SEEM QUEER. BUT DON'T WORRY BABY, YOU'VE GOT NOTHIN' TO FEAR.
38
COME DOWN TO STORYVILLE. NAMED AFTER STORY, YEAH! BIG UPS TO STORYVILLE. GET... LAID... IN STORY-VILLE. JONESY You're really a very odd little person, aren't you? CANDY That's why so many guys want to do me.
I know.
JONESY Candy, I need someone to talk to. dinner with me sometime?
Would you like to have
I love dinner.
CANDY We can go right now. (Candy pulls him to his feet, toward STAGE RIGHT.) JONESY
I didn't mean right now. CANDY No, this is good cause I'm like super hungry. JONESY Well maybe you could put some clothes on-CANDY Wait until you see the service my tits get us. (Candy and Jonesy exit, STAGE RIGHT. Roxy, furious, enters, STAGE LEFT.) ROXY That little bitch. (Madame Bouvey, holding needlepoint, and Mayor Marty enter, STAGE LEFT, and pass Roxy.) ROXY Madame Bouvey, may I have a word?
Nonsense.
39 BOUVEY (to Roxy, holding up a finger) One crisis at a time, dear. (to Mayor Marty) There now, Marty. Does that put your mind at ease? MAYOR MARTY I still don't know how you got all this information. BOUVEY I'm a madam, dear mayor. You may ask your police chief how reliable my information is. He'll be by at six thirty. MAYOR MARTY Madame Bouvey, you have never steered me wrong. If you think this is the best course of action, I support your plan without question. (He walks away, then stops.) MAYOR MARTY Oh, by the way. Congratulations on your new house in the French Quarter. I hear it's quite lovely. I should like to see it sometime. BOUVEY I assure you, you will.
Don't worry, Marty.
MAYOR MARTY You'll hear from me again on Friday. BOUVEY Goodbye, Marty.
Good evening, ladies.
(Mayor Marty exits, STAGE RIGHT.) BOUVEY Too easy. (to Roxy) You may continue. ROXY (in a rage) That bitch Candy just stole-(Bouvey interrupts with a raised hand.)
40 ROXY (calmly) Candy just went to dinner with my fianc. BOUVEY Roxy! How lovely for you. I didn't even realize you were getting married. ROXY What are you going to do about it? BOUVEY When she returns from dinner, I'll handle it. ROXY I want her fired! (Bouvey raises an eyebrow.) ROXY Thank you. (Bouvey moves to the sofa. While her back is turned, Roxy gives her the middle finger. When she sits, Roxy exits, STAGE LEFT. Bouvey works her needle. Candy enters, STAGE RIGHT.) BOUVEY Hello Candy. CANDY Hello Madame Poofy. BOUVEY Bouvey. CANDY Poofy? BOUVEY Boo-vay. CANDY (mezmerized) Poo-fee.
I'm sorry, Madame.
41 BOUVEY Boo. CANDY Poo. BOUVEY Boo. CANDY Poo. (Candy, mesmerized, eases onto the sofa.) BOUVEY Boooo... CANDY Boooo... BOUVEY Vaaaayyy... CANDY Feeee... BOUVEY Vaaayyy... CANDY Faaayyy... (Bouvey squeezes Candy's cheeks, puckering her lips.) CANDY ...Vaaayyy... (Bouvey releases her.) CANDY (each syllable falls in scale) Mad- dam- Bou- vey!
42 BOUVEY (satisfied) I thought you went out to dinner. CANDY I need a shirt. Jonesy is all "you can't eat dinner in a bra" and I was all like--. BOUVEY Candy, do you recall what I said to you when you first came to work here? CANDY Yes. You said "are you a virgin" and I said "yes" and you said "that's bad" and I said "I mean nooo". BOUVEY No, I mean the part about not upsetting the other girls. CANDY Oh... (excited) Yes! BOUVEY Don't you think going out to dinner with Roxy's fianc breaks that rule? CANDY Oh, he's not her fianc. He asked but she said no then he was all like "why is it fun to be a hooker" and I was all like "you should see my armoire"-(Bouvey interrupts with a raised hand.) CANDY Whoa. (Bouvey stands and walks STAGE LEFT.) BOUVEY Roxy. A moment. (Roxy, in street clothes, enters STAGE LEFT.)
43 ROXY Yes? BOUVEY Candy seems to be under the impression that the gentleman she went to dinner with is not your fianc. ROXY He asked me this afternoon. BOUVEY And you said no. ROXY Well... I... was thinking it over. thing you rush into. (Pause. eyes.)
This isn't the kind of
Madame Bouvey and Roxy lock
BOUVEY Candy. CANDY Yes? BOUVEY Go get some dinner. CANDY Great. See ya! (Candy exits, STAGE RIGHT.) ROXY This isn't over, yet. (Roxy exits, STAGE RIGHT. smiles.) BOUVEY (to self) I'm depending on it. (Bouvey exits, STAGE LEFT.) INTERMISSION Bouvey
44 ACT II SCENE ONE (Table for two, The Big Easy, a jazz restaurant.) (MATRE D enters, STAGE RIGHT. He snaps his fingers. Candy and Jonesy, same outfits, enter, STAGE RIGHT. Matre D hands them both a menu, then exits, STAGE RIGHT.) CANDY Wow. I just love the Big Easy. Best restaurant in Storyland. It's the music, I think. I love jazz. I am sooo hungry! JONESY I don't understand what happened. CANDY I love prawns. JONESY Why didn't you get a shirt? CANDY I forgot. JONESY You only went back for one thing. confused you?
Ooo, prawns.
Your shirt, Candy.
What could possibly have
CANDY Well, Madame Poofy said Poofy and then I said Poofy and then she said Poo and I said Poo then she said poo-JONESY Stop that! (Jonesy points at the audience.) People are staring. (Candy smiles and waves at the audience.) JONESY I'm going to go get you a jacket.
45
(Jonesy stands and exits, STAGE RIGHT.) CANDY Wait. I can't order without you. (stamping foot)
Jonesy, no. Fooey!
(Candy, crestfallen, leans on the table. Matre D enters, STAGE RIGHT, and walks past her table.) CANDY Bring me a doughnut.
You!
MATRE D (snidely, heavy French accent) What kind of... doughnut? CANDY I'm wasting away.
I don't care.
MATRE D (begrudgingly) Very good, mademoiselle. (Matre D crosses to, STAGE LEFT.) CANDY With cream.
Wait.
Powdered.
MATRE D (sarcastically) A prostitute who likes cream on her doughnut.
How droll.
(Matre D exits, STAGE LEFT.) CANDY (daydreaming) Mister and missus Jonesy P. Wormgardner. Madeline Agnus Candy Jonesy P. Wormgardner. Ooo! I like that. Haha, ha, ha, ha. (Matre D enters, STAGE LEFT, carrying a tiny plate with a tiny doughnut.)
46 MATRE D Your... doughnut, mademoiselle. CANDY Finally! (Matre D, incensed, exits, STAGE RIGHT. Candy grabs the saltshaker and shakes salt on the doughnut. She fits it in her mouth, getting powdered sugar on her nose, but then...) JONESY (O.S.) Well, I don't understand how complicated this could be. know you have jackets back there.
(Candy, afraid to be caught with the doughnut, removes it from her mouth. She looks around, under the table, looking for a hiding spot. Removing the flowers from the vase, she stuffs the doughnut into the vase, and replaces the flowers. She licks her fingers and wipes her mouth, missing her nose. Jonesy enters, STAGE RIGHT, but stops short.) JONESY (to self) Oh, no. Look at her nose. White powder! She's high on some kind of drug. What have I gotten myself into? (Jonesy sits at the table.) CANDY Please, we have to order. JONESY They wouldn't give me a jacket because I already have a jacket even though they know that I know they have plenty of jackets-- Wait! I can give you my jacket. (Jonesy takes off his jacket and drapes it across Candy's chest.) CANDY Whoa, hello!
47
(Candy spins the jacket around and puts it on properly.) JONESY That's a relief. Now, there's something else. sure exactly how to put this... CANDY Can't it wait until after we order? JONESY ...exactly what the right words would be... CANDY All the words are in the menu.
I'm not
The menu, Jonesy.
JONESY I'll just play this cool. (deep breath) Candy, you have some... snow... on your... mountain! (Jonesy taps his nose with his finger.) CANDY Normally I wipe that off.
Oh, I'm sorry.
JONESY (to self, embarrased) Normally, she says. CANDY Do you have a handkerchief? JONESY Please try to be discreet. (Jonesy hands her a handkerchief, then looks around nervously.) CANDY Thanks. Right. (Candy turns to be discreet and wipes off her cleavage. Jonesy is appalled. She turns around again and presents herself.)
Yes, of course.
48
CANDY Better? JONESY No. CANDY Really? Well, I'll take a shower when I get back. your handkerchief. (She attempts to hand him the handkerchief, but he recoils.) JONESY Keep it. (Jonesy looks away, composing himself. Candy considers where to put the handkerchief and settles on Jonesy's jacket pocket.) CANDY Jonesy, do you think you'd like to put your snow on my mountains? JONESY I mean I have no snow. CANDY (moved) Oh, that's so sad. JONESY Candy, I need you to focus. CANDY M-kay. JONESY When I wasn't here, earlier, you did something. CANDY (guilty, looks away) No I didn't.
Here's
Snow?
No.
No snow.
49 JONESY I'm not angry with you. CANDY (defensive) Why? JONESY You're on a slippery slope. CANDY (defensive) I only had one. JONESY Yes, but one can lead to two can lead to four can lead to eight. CANDY Eight. (doe-eyed) What a wonderful thought. (Jonesy grabs her face with both hands.) JONESY I have to do something. (He wipes off her nose, then relived) JONESY There. Done. CANDY Oh, Jonesy! (Candy kisses him passionately. His arms splay wildly as he's thrown back into his chair. She "dips" him. His hand pounds the table. She releases him and he falls onto the floor.) CANDY Oh, Jonesy! I'm so happy. I'm going to go tell everyone I have a boyfriend.
No, it's okay.
Just... concerned.
Candy!
50 (Candy stands and runs, exits STAGE RIGHT.) JONESY Candy... wait! (Jonesy chasing after, exits, STAGE RIGHT. Jonesy, arms up, and Matre D, his hand on Jonesy's chest, arm fully extended, enter, STAGE RIGHT.) MATRE D Zere is ze little matter of ze bill.
Un moment, monsieur.
Bill?
What bill?
JONESY We didn't order anything.
MATRE D I beg to differ, monsieur. Your companion, she order a doughnut. JONESY I didn't see any doughnut. (Matre D pulls on the flowers. pops the doughnut.) JONESY What the hell is that? MATRE D Zat is twelve cent. JONESY (enraged) You have to be kid-(reconsiders, in a hurry, searching his pockets) Fine. Let me just... here in my pocket. (comes up empty) I don't have twelve cents. Twelve cents? MATRE D Pity. JONESY Let me get my wallet. Out
Doughnut?
51
(Jonesy goes to step by him; Matre D halts him with a palm to the forehead and then pushes him back.) MATRE D Where is your wallet? JONESY In my jacket. (Again, Jonesy goes to step by him; again, Matre D pushes him back.) MATRE D Where is your jacket? JONESY On my girlfriend. MATRE D How convenient. Perhaps, sir, if you did not spend all your monies on prostitute you could pay for doughnut. (Jonesy covers Matre D's mouth with his hand.) JONESY Shh! Don't say that. (Matre D's hand slowly rises, then puts Jonesy in a wristlock. Jonesy squawks. Matre D walks him backward, STAGE LEFT.) MATRE D I am sure that if you clean a plate or seven that we could forget about ze doughnut. JONESY No, you don't understand. MATRE D Oh, but I do. JONESY I have to catch that woman.
52
MATRE D Oh, but you will. JONESY This is very important. MATRE D So are ze doughnut. (Matre D and Jonesy exit, STAGE LEFT.)
53 ACT II SCENE TWO (Mayor's office, a desk and two chairs.) (Joe and Cardinal enter, STAGE RIGHT.) JOE We have arrived before her.
Good.
CARDINAL What is so important that you had to pull me away from my duties to come all the way down here? JOE One of my confederates will arrive at any moment. She assures me that she has information worth paying for. CARDINAL This had better be good. JOE Now listen, padre-(Cardinal clears his throat and taps his hat.) JOE Cardinal! Your eminence. (Joe bows in reverence.) This informant is a girl of ill repute. So don't say anything to upset her. We don't want to scare her off. CARDINAL We are in league with the devil's
Saints preserve us. minions.
JOE Yes, but she's Catholic so it's all right. I assure you it was the only way to get the information we need. CARDINAL I need to steady my nerves.
I don't like this.
54 (Cardinal sits in the chair nearest stage left. He takes out a cross and silently prays. Joe bows his head. While Joe prays, Cardinal opens the cross and taps out a line of white powder. He runs the line with a rolled up hundred dollar bill.) CARDINAL Woo! JOE I had no idea.
Cardinal Carl!
CARDINAL Medicinal purposes... for my nerves. JOE Can I get in on that? CARDINAL Of course, my son. (Cardinal offers Joe the rolled-up twenty. Joe declines.) JOE I keep one on me at all times. (Joe drapes himself across the desk to get at the cocaine. He takes a snort. Cardinal takes a snort. This continues several times until...) (Sound of knocking.) JOE She's here. She's here! (Joe jumps off the desk. stands; in a panic) CARDINAL What do we do? (Joe blows all the cocaine onto the floor. The Cardinal, aghast.) Cardinal
No need.
What do we do?
55
CARDINAL Do you know how expensive that was? JOE Shh! CARDINAL I had to send a Bishop to Cuba for that! JOE Shut up. Shut up. CARDINAL Act normal. Act normal. (Cardinal and Joe, clearly uncomfortable, settle on standing next to the desk with arms crossed.) JOE, CARDINAL Come in! (Roxy enters, STAGE RIGHT.) ROXY I should charge extra. (They feign laughter, interrupted by Joe saying...) JOE Do you have the information? ROXY I do. JOE Please, please. Have a seat. (Cardinal and Roxy sit in chairs on either side of the desk. Joe sits behind the desk.) CARDINAL What news have you?
You're right.
Oh.
Two of you.
Excellent!
Tell us, my child.
56 ROXY The mayor himself has become a personal client of my employer, Madame Bouvey. CARDINAL You are sure? ROXY I have seen him there, personally. JOE What splendid news.
Ha, ha!
Splendid indeed.
CARDINAL This is just the break we've been looking for. disgraceful conduct. ROXY Fifty greenbacks.
Such
JOE With a revelation like this, we can end his career. CARDINAL I love revelations. ROXY Needs cash over here. JOE Suck it, Mayor Marty!
Hello?
Informant.
Electoral map my ass.
CARDINAL The lord our God has delivered to us a sword with which to strike down our enemies. ROXY Hey! JOE My God, you are the rudest whore
What? What do you want? I've ever met.
(pause) ROXY Excuse me?
57
I'm sorry, my child.
CARDINAL What he means is--
JOE What I mean is if you interrupt me again, I will punch you (he stands, fist cocked) right in the-(Roxy jams her purse into his groin.) CARDINAL Jesus Christ, she's got a gun! JOE She doesn't have a gun, she's got a purse. (Roxy cocks her purse.) JOE Jesus Christ, she's got a gun! (Cardinal snorts coke directly from his cocaine-filled cross.) ROXY Pay me or we play craps with your dice. (Everyone looks when Mayor Marty enters, STAGE RIGHT.) MAYOR MARTY What the hell? JOE What are you doing here? MAYOR MARTY (condescending) This is my office. JOE Can't you see we're in the middle of
Pick one.
Well good for you. something here. (indicating Roxy) Behold, the agent of your destruction.
58 MAYOR MARTY You wanted to destroy me so you hired Roxy to fondle your balls. (Joe looks at his crotch, then pulls out a fifty and lays it on the desk. Roxy slips it into her cleavage and leans back in her seat.) JOE Don't oversimplify this. I finally have the leverage I need to force your greasy ass out of office and shut down Storyville forever. MAYOR MARTY Oh, I already closed Storyville. ROXY What? JOE What? CARDINAL What? MAYOR MARTY About a half an hour ago. Huge announcement. press. Shame you couldn't be there. JOE You're bluffing. MAYOR MARTY Nope. I told everyone that you were forcing me to shut down the most popular tourism destination in all of Louisiana. So you can kiss the White House goodbye. (Joe sits back down.) JOE (stunned) You wouldn't do that.
Lots of
No.
MAYOR MARTY Listen, I've got to run. Lots of meetings. that. You know how it is.
Mayor and all
59 (leaving) And stop putting drugs on my desk. (Mayor Marty exits, STAGE RIGHT.) JOE (stunned) That son of a bitch hung me out to dry. I going to do?
Oh padre, what am
CARDINAL (screaming, hopped up on coke) Get all Catholic on his ass! JOE Excuse me? CARDINAL I'm sorry. (poetic, composed) A Clergyman has at once, many means at his disposal To assuage suspicious eyes and redirect them at his rival. When a layman doubts your faith and implies it's less than punic, A smart priest knows the first step is to don his holy tunic. (Song: Put Your Black Suit On) WHEN A BISHOP SEES YOU STANDING WITH YOUR HAND IN THE TILL PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON. WHEN A CHOIRGIRL SEES SOMETHING START TO MOVE IN YOUR PANTS PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON. THERE'S JUST SOMETHING 'BOUT A MAN, RELIGIOUSLY DRESSED. HE KNOWS NO ONE WILL ACCUSE HIM WITH A CROSS ON HIS CHEST. (Cardinal pinches Roxy's ass. She immediately turns and slaps Joe.) CARDINAL THEY'LL SEE A GREAT PERFORMANCE AND FORGET ALL THE REST AND NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE WHEN HIS HAND IS ON YOUR BREAST. (Cardinal gropes Roxy. She goes to punch Joe. He retreats behind the desk. Roxy exits, STAGE RIGHT.)
60 CARDINAL WHEN SOMEONE FINDS IT ODD TO HAVE TO PAY TO TALK TO GOD PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON WHEN AN ALTER BOY REVEALS THAT YOU ASKED TO SEE HIS PEANUT PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN SOMEONE, WILL COME OUT OF HIDING TO ACCUSE YOU OF MOLESTING THEM INSTEAD OF TAKING TITHING. BUT WHEN THE PARISH TURNS UP, TO WATCH YOUR ASS BURN, YOU'LL FIND NO GUILTY VERDICT 'CAUSE THEY'RE ALL AFRAID OF HELL! (Cardinal and Joe laugh.) JOE If you start prohibition? CARDINAL PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON. JOE And that helps kick start the Mob? CARDINAL PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON. JOE If you sodomize your wife? CARDINAL You have got to stop doing that. JOE Cardinal!
I'm sorry, padre.
Your eminence.
CARDINAL Have you said your Hail Mary's? JOE Not all of them. CARDINAL (stressed) Well, I'm all out of holy water. (Cardinal and Joe exit, STAGE RIGHT.)
61 ACT II SCENE THREE (Inside Madame Bouvey's brothel, a reception area with a garish three-seat sofa.) (Candy, shell-shocked, and Sandy, both dressed in New Orleans mourning attire, including black umbrellas, enter, STAGE RIGHT. Then Lucas, sobbing, and Marcus, in black suits, enter.) CANDY Storyville is closed.
Closed.
What are we going to do?
Oh, Candy.
SANDY We'll get by somehow.
How?
CANDY My vagina is the only thing I own worth buying.
MARCUS You can sell your clothes. (Candy bursts into tears, hugs Sandy. Sandy, draped in Candy, holds her arms straight out.) SANDY Why would you say that!?! MARCUS I'm sorry. SANDY Oh, Candy, we can do anything. We can work as secretaries or maybe phone operators. We can be pharmacists and sell drugs. CANDY You can't make any money selling drugs. SANDY That's true.
62 CANDY What's going to happen to Storyville? MARCUS They're going to demolish the restaurants and jazz clubs and turn them into something called "the projects". SANDY What's a project? MARCUS I think it's like apartments. CANDY Oh, well that's good I guess. Little kids can live someplace really pretty, you know? (Madame Bouvey enters, STAGE LEFT.) CANDY Madame Poofee! (Candy and Sandy, sobbing, hug Madame Bouvey.) BOUVEY Everything is going to be all right.
Oh, my poor girls.
MARCUS So, I guess we can't call you Madame anymore. (Bouvey, Candy, and Sandy stare daggers at him.) MARCUS Forever Madame.
Madame.
Still Madame.
(Marcus sits on the sofa.) BOUVEY Girls, please, have a seat. (Candy and Sandy sit on the sofa.) BOUVEY It's time I let you in on a little secret.
63 LUCAS (triumphant) I have a plan! MARCUS (whispering) Danger.
Danger.
LUCAS (walking to sofa) I'm going to start a signature campaign. I'm gonna knock on every door in New Orleans until I have ten thousand signatures. Then, we'll-(points at the sofa cushion occupied by Candy.) Candy, may I? (Candy jumps from the sofa, covering her butt with her hands.) CANDY This is an exit, not an entrance. (Everyone glares at Lucas.) LUCAS Wha-- Ka-- Fwa-(Lucas hangs his head, exits, STAGE RIGHT. The girls glare at Marcus.) MARCUS Oh, you have got to be-- but I never-- fine. (Marcus stands and leaves, STAGE RIGHT. Bouvey walks Candy back to the sofa. They sit.) BOUVEY Anyway... everything is going to be just fine. I've known about this for a long time. CANDY You did? BOUVEY Yes.
No!
What?
You see,
64
SANDY How did you find out? BOUVEY Well, a certain Catholic cardinal confessed it to me while I was dressed up like an alter boy. CANDY, SANDY Eeewww. BOUVEY I told Mayor Marty to shut down Storyville. CANDY (betrayed, whispered) No!
Madame Poofy!
BOUVEY Girls, the most important lesson I can ever teach you is this: when something is illegal, it becomes twice as valuable as it was before. (Song: Make It Illegal) IF YOU WANT... MORE... FROM WORK YOU ABHORE MAKE IT ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL. BECAUSE THE BEST... CASH... THAT MONEY CAN BUY COMES FROM ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL. IF YOU WANT TO DO LESS FOR MORE. TURN TWENTY-TWO TO FORTY-FOUR. CANDY, SANDY Oooooo. BOUVEY THE RIGHTEOUS ONES WILL SAY THEIR GLAD. BUT WHEN IT'S WRONG THEY WANT IT TWICE AS BAD. IF YOU STASH... CASH... IN MATTRESSES THEN YOU'RE ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL. IF YOU SELL... WHAT YOU... CAN GIVE AWAY FREE WELL THAT'S ILLEGAL, ILLEGAL. WHEN THE NOSY SHERIFF STOPS ON BY. DON'T SIT AROUND AND START TO CRY. INVITE HIM IN TO SEE YOUR SHIT.
65 THEN PAY HIM OFF AND YOU'RE LEGIT. CANDY, SANDY Wooo! (32 measures, BOUVEY, CANDY, SANDY do a burlesque fan dance.)
BOUVEY WE'RE GONNA HEAD... OFF... TO VIEUX CARR (VOU-CAR-RAY) CAUSE IT'S ILLEGAL, CANDY, SANDY NA, NA, NANA. BOUVEY ILLEGAL. CANDY, SANDY NA, NA, NANA. BOUVEY TO A FLY... CRIB... ON BOURBON STREET WHERE WE'RE ILLEGAL, CANDY, SANDY NA, NA, NANA. BOUVEY ILLEGAL. CANDY, SANDY NA, NA, NANA. BOUVEY BECAUSE THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE AREN'T FREE, NO, NO... BOUVEY, CANDY, SANDY THEY'RE JUST ILLEGAL! (Bouvey, Candy, and Sandy wave goodbye to the Brothel, link arms, and march off, STAGE RIGHT.)
66 ACT II SCENE FOUR (The Storyville train platform, backdrop is the ticket windows.) (Joe and Cardinal enter, STAGE LEFT.) CONDUCTOR (V.O.) Train leaving in five minutes.
All aboard!
All aboard!
JOE Well, padre, I guess this is goodbye. (Cardinal points at his hat.) CARDINAL Ahem! JOE Cardinal! Your eminence. (Joe kisses Cardinal's ring. He's there for a long time. Cardinal pulls his hand away.) CARDINAL You drooled on my hand. (JOE'S WIFE, a white-haired senior with a walker, enters, STAGE LEFT. She slowly shuffles across the stage.) JOE I'm sorry. CARDINAL I hope you and your wife enjoy the train ride back to Washington. Perhaps the next time you're in town, you'll do me the honor of attending mass. JOE Oh, I'll be back. I'm going to see that lousy bastard run out of office even if I have to rig the ballot boxes myself.
67 (Cardinal makes Sign of the Cross. Joe looks into the sky, fearfully, then follows suit.) CARDINAL Joe, you must focus on the good you've done and set aside your ambitions. Thanks to you, there are no more prostitutes in New Orleans. JOE You're right. I've been looking at this all wrong. I've done this city a service. I'm a hero! Thanks, padre! CARDINAL I don't know about, "hero". (As Joe's wife hobbles past, Joe laughs, turns, and slaps her on the ass. She hurries off, STAGE RIGHT. Cardinal is horrified.) JOE Move it along, woman. When we get back to the house, ooo do I have some sweet tea for you! (Joe and exits, STAGE RIGHT. Cardinal dry heaves, then puts a finger to his lips. He runs off, STAGE LEFT, holding his hat. Marcus and Lucas, holding a black bag, enter, STAGE LEFT. They stand on the bench.) MARCUS Alright, right this way, gentlemen. Step right up. LUCAS Don't be shy. (The entire cast, dressed in trench coats and sunglasses, enters, BOTH SIDES, and forms a group in front of Marcus and Lucas.)
Step right up, here.
68 (Song: Pretty Trench Coats) MARCUS WE ARE THE STORYVILLE HISTORIC SOCIETY LUCAS KEEPERS OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF NOTORIUS DEBAUCHERY MARCUS TOUR GUIDES TO THE BROTHELS THAT AREN'T THERE ANYMORE. LUCAS HOLDERS OF THE MEMOIRS FROM THE GIRLS YOU ADORE. MARCUS Here we are, gentlemen, your tour guides for this evening. LUCAS Sorry we kept you waiting. TRENCHCOAT MAN So, there's no prostitution? LUCAS Heavens, no. MARCUS Gentlemen, prostitution in New Orleans is absolutely illegal. And forbidden. LUCAS And frowned upon. MARCUS That, too. TRENCHCOAT MAN So, we won't find any brothels? MARCUS Well, you certainly won't find any prostitutes at thirty one Saint Charles Street. LUCAS Especially at five o'clock when happy hour starts.
69
CROWD Oooo! MARCUS And there are no coupons available for the D- and E- Naked Circus at Dauphine and the Esplanade. LUCAS Ask for Mitsy. CROWD Oooo! MARCUS And of course we can't show you Madame Bouvey's mansion on Bourbon Street in the French Quarter because... it isn't there. LUCAS They will not knock your socks off between the hours of five and nine P-M-. CROWD (applauding, whistling) Ahhhh! MARCUS No, gentlemen, our tour begins right here on this very platform. Before our wonderful mayor cleaned up our fair city, unscrupulous rogues used to hand out so-called blue books to innocent, hard-working, Christian men like yourselves. LUCAS Could you imagine the audacity? MARCUS Now these books, on the other hand, are pink... (Lucas opens his bag and holds up a Pink Book. The crowd gets excited.) LUCAS Here we go.
70 MARCUS ...and contain a series of fictional addresses that don't exist collected here in a single volume for no particular reason. LUCAS Dollar a pop. MARCUS Snatch 'em up now, folks. Supply is limited. LUCAS Have your dollars ready. MARCUS One per customer is all you need. (Everyone in the crowd ends up with a book. They quickly exit, STAGE LEFT. Lucas, handful of dollars, upends his now-empty bag.) MARCUS Well done, man. (Marcus shakes his hand, then they half-hug.) MARCUS AND LUCAS WE ARE THE STORYVILLE HISTORIC SOCIETY. KEEPERS OF THE KNOWLEDGE OF NOTORIUS DEBAUCHERY. BEST FRIENDS TILL THE END WITH ALL THE GIRLS YOU CAN KNOW! LUCAS (whistles) MARCUS AND LUCAS AND THOSE... WHO ARE JONES-ING A SHOW! (The trench coats return, one-by-one, to flash the audience, revealing the cast for their curtain call. Marcus and Lucas sneak off stage to don trench coats and then return.) (END OF PLAY)
No pushing, now.
71
CHARACTERS CANDY THE STRIPPER: young, the archetypal blond ditz. MARCUS: middle-aged, the master salesman. LUCAS: young, the apprentice. MARTY THE MAYOR: middle-aged, the realist. JOE THE FED: old, the self-righteous bastard. CARL THE CARDINAL: old, the hypocritical conscience. JONESY THE BOYFRIEND: young, the blind optimist. ROXY THE STRIPPER: young, the ambitious showgirl. SANDY THE STRIPPER: young, the best friend. MADAME BOUVEY: middle-aged, the wisdom and experience. Her network of informants have her well ahead of the curve. NEW CUSTOMER MAN AND WIFE #1 MAN AND WIFE #2 JOE'S WIFE: ancient, hunchbacked with a walker. MATRE D: French, snooty, works at The Big Easy. SETTING 1917, New Orleans, the Storyville red-light district. Locations include the Storyville train station, the reception area of Madame Bouvey's brothel, table for two at The Big Easy, and the mayor's office. Set design requires no more than a solid black curtain and four interchangeable furnishings: a wooden bench, a garish sofa, a desk with two chairs, and a restaurant-style dinner table set for two. However, as the majority of the play takes place at the brothel, the garish sofa can be expanded into an entire brothel parlor complete with suits of armor and additional garish props.
72
SONG LIST ACT I "BLUE BOOK VALUE" "PURPLE HEAD OF STATE" "PINK" "MOW MY LAWN" "THE STORY OF STORYVILLE" ACT II "PUT YOUR BLACK SUIT ON" "MAKE IT ILLEGAL" "ALL THE PRETTY TRENCH COATS"
MARCUS, CANDY, SANDY MARCUS, LUCAS ROXY ROXY CANDY
CARDINAL, JOE BOUVEY, CANDY, SANDY MARCUS, LUCAS

Red Lights and Blue Books

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Red Lights and Blue Books

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RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS Story, lyrics, and music by Douglas Bishop

Oh, I simply love trains.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

Set them down!

The one you've

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

I'll walk you

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

You don't say?

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

And I have the people. a trip.

Sorry you wasted

Great. Come in!

(Sound of door opening/closing.)

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

Well, what do you know?

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

How does someone

CARDINAL The people he leads are even dumber than he is.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

I hate prostitutes. hate... Storyville!

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

JOE I love giving it to my wife in the ass! CARDINAL

Thirty Hail Mary's.

God forgive you.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

That's not true.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

No real names, Jonesy.

JONESY Is Roxy here?

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

I have money coming in.

The money, Jonesy.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

Jonesy, Roxy's different.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

That's six dollars. ago. Woo!

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

Reel it in, Jonesy.

And our children.

I'll get it.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

But I can't mow lawns.

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP

RED LIGHTS AND BLUE BOOKS DOUGLAS BISHOP