Your Slut Quotient.

A Modern Equation For Love (An excerpt from Juices unpublished memoir More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination) Fuck anyone who doubts my abilities. I told Ken, a little too loudly for my third key lime martini. Thats what I say. I pointed a stirrer at him for emphasis. As if loudly dropping the F bomb at Goodnight Gracies wasnt enough. People surrounding us definitely protested my bourgeois presence. Haughtily affecting the smug eyebrow raise, women dressed in regulation black dramatically moved away, with protesting side steps and over-the-shoulder offended glances. I didnt care. When the blond standing behind me did it, I shoved my stool back into the spot she was previously standing. More room for me. Enough work talk. Ken said. Right! Happy belated birthday. I handed him a gift bag. He opened it. Oh lordy, you got me a Ken doll! He laughed. No, that would be clich. I got you a Blaine doll. Kens gay cousin? So it is genetics, I knew it. Ken must be jealous of someone stealing the limelight. No, Kens the gay icon- we didnt even know he had cousins. Isnt it redundant to call Kens cousin gay? What? He looked at me like I was an idiot. Since homosexuality is genetic, its redundant to be called the gay cousin. I explained That depends. He challenged, Do you inherit your gay gene from mother or father? Ken queried.

Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

Well. I volleyed. I havent finished read my latest copy of the New Gayland Journal of Medicine, but Im betting it comes from the mothers side. For flourish, I sucked back the last of my martini, immediately looked for the bartender. Fair enough. So which side of Kens family does Blaine come from? Not sure, lets read the box. I said. Ken commenced with the reading. Oooh, hes a surfer. He said. Of course he is, hes wearing a wetsuit. I responded. Dont wetsuits cover the whole body? This looks like a wrestling unitard. Ken said skeptically. Its a shortie, babe. I smiled like a three year old trying to charm a grandparent into buying me ice cream. Oh you know I like the shorties. He said. Im hungry, lets get food. I responded and picked up my drink, heading for the hostess stand. We were seated and began to peruse the menu. So how is the anti-celibacy campaign going? Ken asked. Oh you hush. I snapped. But wait, I didnt even tell you the reason I started on the whole Work-HIPPA-BO Story? Yeah. Well, something insane happened. With GILF. Dish. Ken said looking like he was going to regret taking me off the leash. GILF offered to be my baby daddy. What? He said calmly with a slight edge of disbelief and a purposefully skeptical look. I told him the whole story. Then I leaned forward and stared him down, pursed my lips, nodded slightly and waited for his response. I think hes gay. Ken said.

Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

Possibly. I said sincerely. But frankly. If he were gay, then he is keenly aware that my stable of gays are the prettiest and most accomplished in the land, and he already should have tried to get an in to the group. I paused. You know what I have been thinking? How pretty those babies would be? Well, besides that. I said with a dramatic pause. I have been thinking I really do need to get serious about finding one. Maybe you already have. Stop. Please. Not you too. Listen. I love that my friends think that I am so fantastic that it is impossible to imagine that any man could ever turn me down. But its pretty clear that you all just blow sunshine up my ass all the time made worse by the fact that I am loath to burst that bubble. OBVIOUSLY I want to read into GILFs statement, and there is plenty of logic to support its veracity. But his mixed signals are driving me to absolute distraction and I feel like I am spending way too much time and energy on a guy that cant seal any deal. I cant take it anymore. I put it out there, hes rejected it twice. Four days- 4 days- after I drunkenly throw my braless self at him prompting him to shoot me down, he has a change of heart and decides to offer to father my children? No. No way. Wait, I thought you were wearing your bra when he shot you down I stared hard and waited to see if Ken had anything else smarmy to add. The way I see it, if hes into me, now he needs to make the grand gesture. A grand, affirmative, clear-cut, fabulous fucking gesture that he wants to start dating. Or forget it, Im through throwing myself under the bus. Some would say offering to father your children is a grand gesture. Only if you drop trou (trow?) when you say it. I pouted.

Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

I really cant begin to imagine what he was thinking saying that. Ken finally responded. Would you have a child with a gay man? Of course I would. But not him. Not some dude I have a crush on, who turns out to be gay. That is one mother fucking can of worms I have dodged since the 10th grade. I am not headed down that rode ever again! So Maddona and Rupert. Uh Please? Way more like Anniston and Rudd. Besides, I am counting on one of the Uncles to pull out the turkey baster when I turn 41 and single. Because 40 is too clich Ken rolled his eyes. Sounds like you have it all figured out, so why do you need to find a man? He was understandably getting bored and probably tired of being told he was wrong. I shifted gear. Two reasons: A. to get my mind off of this guy; and B. Because I am a huge dirty slut. Oh girl, I do so love you. No. Really. Rilly! The other day I was obsessing about my anti-celibacy countdown. T-minus 11 months and counting. Should have done the pierced pool boy. He chided and sipped his martini. I barely paused as he teased. I started counting up all the men I have been with. I was sitting there writing down all their names, organizing them by decade, horrified as the number grew. Then I looked back at the 90s list and realized I had missed a guy. I realized I was forgetting some. I was numb. Undoubtedly you organized them by decade. I know. I have been doing it for more than 2 decades. And over several continents. Lord, dont think of it in those terms. He laughed. I was like I cannot be this big of a whore. Just as I was about to cash the list in, take a vow of celibacy and buy stock in Double A batteries and the Hustler Store, I found a
Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

way to justified it all by reminding myself that it has been almost 19 years since the first time, and that made me feel much better. 19 years. Who says you catholic girls start late? Oh he was enjoying this. Fish on the line, I continued. There is NOTHING better than coming up with a story that amuses the most jaded gay man. No seriously! There is no tougher audience than the bored jaded gay man. I continued to reel him in. You cant just say someone is a whore because she has had double digit partners, over a double decade time period. Its not fair or equitable. Shit. I mean, look, I have been sexually active for 19 double digit years! Of course I have been having sex, I should have been having sex that WHOLE TIME. And when you think of it that way, it doesnt feel like I am such a Slut. Fair or equitable? Ken laughed, Darling no one has ever said anything was fair or equitable in love or war. Oh sweet cheeks, Im talking neither love nor war, Im talking Le Fucky fucky. Ken laughed loudly, no longer even trying to break free of the hook as I slowly reeled it in. For example, say a girl has oh- uh- 28, no- 38 partners and shes 33 years old. Divide that by 21. Thats an average of less than 2 partners a year not so hideous a number. Wait, I thought youd been a slut for 19 years, where did you get 21? Arbitrarily picked 38 and 21 for calculation example purposes. You think Im telling you my real numbers? Child please. You arent getting that info out of me without many miny miny more cocktails. Well, by your fake calculation, youve had 1.57 partners per year. Ken responded. Several were less than .57. Oh, the angry inch. He sighed. Moreover, I began, he cut me off. Moreover? Girl its my birthday.
Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

Moreover Wait. He said. Its not accurate to say that on a per year basis, over 21 years, youve had an average of 1.57 partners. IF- say 8 of those years were spent in monogamous relationships, your stats are skewed. EXACTLY! I excitedly exclaimed. Ken got where I was going with it, I was SOOO excited! 19 years of doin it, less 8 years of monogamy. I nodded. Really, the only way to determine whether you are a slut is to determine the number of partners in those non-monogamous years. His understanding was copacetic. Number of total partners less number of monogamous relationships, divided by years of sexual activity, less number of years in monogamous relationships. I continued to explain. Oh Juice. You absolutely crack me up. I love it. He wrote the equation out: Total P Mono P Years SA Years Mono

Absolutely! Oh YAE MATH!!!! Its your Slut Quotient Your SQ. He shook his head, eyes sparkling with laughter. Slut Quotient! Trademarked! I giggled. Hey, if you can have an EQ, you should be able to have a SQ. Ken purposefully said extra quietly to tone my sloppy ass down. He continued, You do realize it actually makes you a bigger slut than you thought? He laughed. I knew he was right. My equation didnt make me less slutty- just more scientific about it. If youre gonna get all analytical about it, yessss. But it looks better as an average. Sure I prefer truth over delusion, if I can get them both, its a win. As if you ever manage to distinguish between the two. He quipped.
Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

Our dirty little minds churned. We fully develop the equation by adding a scoring scale. is the mean. I said. Nasty. 3.14, Miss Janet. SQ Scoring Scale < 2 = Charlotte 2-3.13 = Miranda < = Carrie > = Samantha How many partners have you had? Ken asked me devilishly. No clue. I gave up counting when I realized I was forgetting men. Some men are forgettable. But now you are in a long dry spell, it should skew your average back. Not nice. I pouted. What counts as monogamous? How long? He asked. I only counted relationships lasting longer than a year. What about if you really love the person? Love doesnt factor. Is it monogamous if it ends because you cheat? He asked. Yes, up until the cheating point. You only get the actual monogamy years. But what if you break up and get back together?

Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission

You dont get credit during the break up time. Lord knows youre probably rebounding and sleeping around like crazy, so you have to account for those numbers. Unless you date for 3 months, then break up because you cheat, and then get back together for three years. Yes but then it isnt the three months you get credit for, its the three years. Do you double count the one guy then? Count him as a partner for the three month fling, then subtract his years for the monogamous relationship? I rolled my eyes. I guess you have to. Only an engineer and a lawyer could reduce sex to mathematics and logic. And have this much fun doing it. What counts as a partner? Define sexual activity? Does it count if you just give someone a blow job? He asked. Good questions. Sexual Activity: I think there has to be an orgasm. It only counts as sexual activity if somebody comes? He asked me. Someone always has to come. Thats my motto. And we refined my SQ equation over some fabulous, buttery, melt-in-your-mouth gnocchi, thoroughly amusing ourselves. For once in a long while I spent a gorgeous evening with smart cocktails, a luscious meal, fantastic company, fun, intellectual and scintillating conversation. Not obsessing about my sexless year or boys that didnt want me. It felt fantastic.

Your Slut Quotient. A Modern Equation for Love Excerpt from More Inner Strength, Less Hallucination Copyright Protected (2004-2011) LA Juice and her author All Rights Reserved. No use without express written permission