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Vegas - the retro diary: part 2

If you mi s s ed Par t 1, c l i c k her e. Her e's Par t 2. 8:55am Beep. Beep. Beep. 8:56 What the hell is that damn nois e???? 8:57 Dammit! Y ep, my alar m had gone of f bec aus e I needed to r etur n the hir e c ar . Suddenly , the aw es omenes s of dr iv ing a c onv er tible mus tang to V egas dis appear ed f as ter than a s peeding bullet. Bas ic ally , Dav e and I w er e meant to r etur n the c ar las t night but w e c ompletely f or got. A nd, s inc e I w as the one that hir ed it, I w as the one w ho had to r etur n it. Onc e again I w as s tar ing at Dav e, f as t as leep and s nor ing, like I w anted to kill him. 9:02 A f ter thr ow ing on s ome c lothes and heading dow n to the Cas ino, it w as like I w as in an alter nate r eality . The s lot mac hines w er e s till r inging, the c r ow ds w er e s till c heer ing, and ther e w er e s till half - naked w aitr es s es s ending f r ee dr inks at any one w ho w as gambling. Unbeliev able. I quic kly c ompos ed my s elf and headed f or the c onc ier ge w ho gr eeted me w ith one of thos e Wow , y ou look TERRIBLE! gr ins . I s omehow managed to c r oak out Wher es the c ar hir e r etur n? and he s how ed me w her e it w as . 9:05 I hav e no idea w her e this damn plac e is . The beauty of our hir e c ar ar r angement w as that w e c ould r etur n our c ar dir ec tly to the hotel. Unf or tunately , nobody w ithin an ear s hot s eemed to know w her e the c ar hir e r etur n w as . In other w or ds , my plan f or making a s w if t hir e c ar r etur n had dis appear ed f as ter than Kev in Rudds c r edibility . 9:15 If y ou ev er meet a guy named Jay w ho w or ks f or Bellagio, giv e him a high f iv e. A nd a tip. Not only did Jay s pot me w ander ing ar ound like a homeles s man, but he of f er ed to es c or t me bac k to w her e Id par ked my c ar , dr iv e me dow n to w her e it s hould be par ked, f ill out all the nec es s ar y paper w or k f or me, bump me to the f r ont of the queue and help me be done w ith my thor oughly unpleas ant ear ly mor ning duties . Being the r ookie and w oef ully tir ed man I w as , I didnt hav e any money to tip him. Jay mer ely s hook his head w ith another I c ant believ e this guy gr in and s aid that as the Gr oup Manager of Bellagio Conc ier ge, he r eally didnt need a tip. The Mustang w as cool, but returning it at 9am w as not.

Y ep, one of the 10 mos t s enior employ ees at Bellagio helped me r etur n my c ar . Who know s w hy ? A ll I know is that it s av ed me f r om killing s omeone. 11:33 Somehow I tr undled bac k to my r oom and f ell as leep again. Now Im being w oken up by a s how er ed and looking w ay - too- healthy Dav e w ho tells me w e s hould r eally get mov ing. Es pec ially as w e hav e a lunc h booking f or 1pm. 11:35 Y eah, y eah Im up 11:55 Dav e and I s et of f dow n the s tr ip, me w ear ing my new ly pur c has ed s ailor outf it and Dav e w ear ing s ome of his new pur c has es too. Wer e not ex ac tly f eeling at the peak of our pow er s , but w ev e c ome a long w ay in the las t 20 minutes . 12:01p m We make a pit s top at Oliv es , our lunc h r es taur ant, to c onf ir m our booking. The good times begin bec aus e it s eems our pr inc es s f r om the night bef or e, A nna, has indeed c ome thr ough w ith the goods . Wer e booked into the mos t ex c lus iv e r es taur ant in the Bellagio f or 1pm. We dec ide that, s inc e the s ands of time s eem to hav e s w ung in our f av our , w e s hould pus h our luc k. We put on the mos t c har ming A us tr alian ac c ents w e c an mus ter and appeal to the old lady r es er v ations manager that w e need to s it out on the balc ony ov er looking the lake. Y ou know , only the mos t s ought- af ter dining s eats in all of Las V egas . She looks at us like w er e c r az y ( and r eally , w e w er e c r az y f or as king) but as s ur es us that s hell s ee w hat s he c an do . In other w or ds , How about y ou go bac k to Mc Donalds , boy s ? Well, thats good enough f or us and of f w e go. ( Mor e on this later ) . 12:15 We head of f tow ar ds Caes ar s and take a f ew photos of dubious impor tanc e

12:15 We head of f tow ar ds Caes ar s and take a f ew photos of dubious impor tanc e bef or e r ealis ing that w e hav ent eaten in ov er 12 hour s . Its amaz ing this moment of r ealis ation. Y our e not hungr y until it s pr ings to mind, but as s oon as it does , y our e s c r ew ed. We ar e now both abs olutely f amis hed and dec ide that ev en though w er e eating lunc h in 45 minutes , w er e going to f ind s ome f ood no matter the c os t. 12:18 Dav e has dev eloped an obs es s ion f or Denny s and dec lar es that w ell be eating br eakf as t ther e. He c laims to hav e s ome know ledge of a loc ation f or the c los es t Denny s but I hav e my doubts . 12:23 In y our f ac e, Malloc h! We w alked f or f iv e minutes and ther e, in all its glor y , w as a Denny s r es taur ant. The only pr oblem is , the line f or s er v ic e is longer than the Nile. Its w inding its w ay ar ound c or ner af ter c or ner ( r eally , is that all A mer ic ans w ant f or br eakf as t? Denny s ???) and w er e inf or med the w ait is ov er an hour f or f ood. Well, s c r ew that. Wev e got a lunc h booking in 35 minutes and dec ide that w ell jus t s kip br eakf as t. 12:55 Wer e bac k at Oliv es and dec ide to, onc e again, tr y our luc k f or that balc ony s eat. The r es er v ations manager r olls her ey es and s ay s s hes s till s eeing w hat s he c an do. Dav e and I dec ide to w ait it out and s ee w hat tur ns up.

1:15 Still no s eat. Dav es s tomac h is gr umbling louder than an ear thquake and my lov e of all things V egas has dis appear ed f as ter than my mate James hair line. Meanw hile people ar e w alking into the r es taur ant and being s eated at w ill. What the hec k is the pr oblem, lady ?? 1:25 Still no s eat. Dav es los ing patienc e. I am too. Wer e r eady to es c alate this and get v iolent s hould the need ar is e. Des per ately I appr oac h the lady and s ay , A ny c hanc e of that table? Dis mis s iv ely s he s ay s , Should only be a f ew minutes w hile giv ing me s mile that c ould only be des c r ibed as non- ex is tent. Dav e and I dec ide to giv e her another f iv e minutes bef or e c anc elling our r es er v ation and hitting up the Bellagios all y ou c an eat buf f et. Well als o pr obably kidnap her c hildr en and hold them f or r ans om. 1:30 Ex c us e me, s ir ? I tur n ar ound in s ome s tate of delir ium s eeing as I hav ent inges ted f ood in 14 hour s and am about to die. Y es ? Right this w ay , pleas e. Dav e and I ey e eac h other ner v ous ly as a c ute w aitr es s ( s ur pr is e, s ur pr is e) s idles up to us and bec kons us to f ollow her . We w ind our w ay thr ough the r es taur ant and to our abs olute s hoc k, w er e led out onto the balc ony . Suddenly w er e dr iv ing in the f as t lane. But not only that, s he es c or ts us to the v er y f r ont of the balc ony . Wer e liter ally s itting on the s hor e of the lake. In other w or ds , w er e now s itting at the bes t table, in the bes t r es taur ant, w ith the bes t v iew in all of Las V egas . Not bad f or tw o muppets f r om Canber r a. 1:55 Oh man. This is the lif e. We hav e beer s , w e hav e s uns hine, w e hav e an unobs tr uc ted v iew of the Eif f el Tow er s er ious ly , this is the gr eates t lunc h of all time. Glanc ing at the menu onc e again s ur pr is es us . Not only is it v er y r eas onably pr ic ed ( s er ious ly , $25 mains ??) but s inc e w er e hungr y , w e dec ide to or der tw o mammoth entr ees as w ell as mains the f ines t pas ta money c an buy . The only dow ns ide is that appar ently the f ountain s how s ( only the mos t f amous attr ac tion in all of Las V egas ) dont s tar t until af ter 3pm, meaning w ed hav e to kill another hour . The w aitr es s thr ow s us a bone s ay ing s ometimes they tes t them at 2pm? but w e dont believ e her . 2:00 Y eah baby ! The f ountains ar e going of f jus t like the w aitr es s pr omis ed. Now w er e c ooking w ith gas . We get a gr eat photo ( s ee on the r ight) and pr omptly c onc lude that our luc k has of f ic ially tur ned ar ound. A ll memor ies of a s hellac king at the tables las t night hav e dis appear ed and w e r ais e our glas s es in a toas t to V egas . What a tow n.

2:35 Now w e c an bar ely mov e. Not only w er e our entr ees the s iz e of s mall c hildr en, but our mains hav e f illed us up s o c ompr ehens iv ely that w e both r es emble Cliv e Palmer . Ok, w e def initely dont r es emble Cliv e Palmer , but I jus t w anted to s how that this blog r ef er enc es the big play er s f r om time to time. Read into that w hat y ou w ill.

In case you w ere w ondering yes, this w as aw esome.

2:40 We dec ide w e dont r eally need to s tay f or another f ountain v iew ing ( r eally , w e made it to the top, w hy kill time?) and dec ide that mor e s hopping is in or der . So of f w e head f or Caes ar s again and to the depths of their enor mous s hopping ar c ade. 4:00 With our poc kets again c ons ider ably lighter w ev e headed bac k to the r oom f or a f inal pit s top bef or e tac kling the ev ening/night. Wer e hoping to 1) Find the Monopoly s lot mac hines Dav e s imply w ill not s hut up about, 2) Lear n how to play Cr aps , 3) plac e a bet on an NBA game and/or Sw eet Six teen game, 4) Los e a LOT les s money than las t night. A r eas onably ambitious plan, but like I s aid bef or e, our luc k had c hanged. 4:35 Wev e ar r iv ed at the Wy nn, pos s ibly the mos t ex pens iv e Cas ino in the United States . This is the s ite w her e Dav e bumped into Lebr on James las t time he w as in tow n. Hoping to impr obably r ec r eate that ev ent, Dav e has been keen to head her e all tr ip. Walking thr ough the f oy er is a bit aw e- ins pir ing. Its inc r edible to think how muc h money gets thr ow n into thes e plac es . It didnt las t long though, Dav e s aw a Monopoly logo out of the c or ner of his ey e, and like any good s mall f or w ar d, he didnt w ait to get inv olv ed in the play . I blink and Dav e is gone the land of Monopoly w as c alling. 4:40 They w er ent the ones he w as af ter s o I dec ide to c all an audible. In other w or ds , c hange the play . Iv e notic ed s ome Wheel of For tune s lots and think that w ev e got to abandon the Monopoly dr eam and embr ac e the game s how dr eam. 4:55 Onc e again Im los ing money , although Im keeping my bets s mall s o its jus t like a paper c ut, only if that c ut nev er healed. Dav e is nt hav ing muc h luc k either but he s till has $1 in c r edit lef t. I dec ide to up the s takes and thr ow another $5 note. Wher e els e c an y ou pay money into a mac hine w ith abs olute c er tainty that y ouv e jus t w as ted it any w ay ? 4:56 Whats that s ound? 4:57 Jac kpot!!!!!!! 4:58 *c ue the Roc ky mus ic * Somehow I w on $38 on my w heel of f or tune s lot and s uddenly , impr obably , s lot mac hines ar e the gr eates t inv ention of all time. Im s o happy ! Lif e is amaz ing! WHEEL! OF! FORTUUUUUUUUUUUUNE!!! 5:10 I w alk aw ay w ith $30 in w innings r emaining and am w alking on c loud nine. Dav e and I had als o dec ided to r ais e the s takes in ter ms of w hat dr inks to or der s o r ather than s imply as king f or a r un- of - the- mill gin and tonic , he and I hav e been or der ing Pia Coladas . It w as then that w e dec ided that it w as now or nev er in ter ms of Cr aps . Dav e had play ed onc e bef or e in his lif e but he didnt lear n muc h that time, and Id nev er play ed. Quite f r ankly , the odds of us s uc c eeding w er e les s than the odds of f inding lif e on Mar s , but in tr ue V egas f as hion, w e s tepped up to the plate. 5:20 A f ter w ander ing ar ound br ief ly w e s ettle on a table w ith quite a f ew f r ee s pots . To tr y and get a f eel f or the game w e dec ide to w atc h a c ouple of r ounds f ir s t. This inaus pic ious behav iour c aught they ey e of a gentleman on my lef t. The guy w as big, blac k, dr es s ed in a s uit that pr obably c os t mor e than I make in a y ear , and betting $200 a hand w ithout ev en blinking. Luc kily this guy dec ided that he didnt w ant to eat us f or dinner , r ather , he w anted to teac h us how to play the game. The table hos ts w er e als o a good humour ed bunc h and gav e us adv ic e too. Pr etty s oon Dav e and I had c laimed $100 in c hips eac h, plac ed a bet and it w as time to thr ow the dic e. 6:20 I lov e Cr aps ! I mean, I r eally lov e it! This is s o muc h better than Blac kjac k. For one, Im w inning ( up to $150) , and ther es plenty of table par tic ipation. Ev er y one is hoping f or y ou to w in s o, w hen y ou do, the w hole table goes ballis tic . Ther es a f unky A s ian guy at the end of the table w ear ing glas s es s o s quar e their edges s eem r az or s har p c heer ing f or us . Ther es a 50 y ear old male div or c ee hitting on a 40 y ear f emale old div or c ee. ( How did I know they w er e div or c ees , I hear y ou as king? Pleas e.) Ther es the blac k guy in the s uit w hos s till helping us out. A nd ther es the jov ial dealer s c hec king out ev er y c ute gir l that w alks pas t w hile c heer ing on the table. In other w or ds , ther e w as no w ay w e w er e los ing. A s Geor ge Cos tanz a w ould s ay , Im bac k in bus ines s , baby ! 6:50 Cr ap. The tables tur ned c old. Ic e c old. My f ir s t moment of r ealis ation that things w er e about to go badly w as w hen the 50 y ear old s tar ted making mov es on the 40 y ear old that w ould make Mike Ty s on s hake his head in s hame. In other w or ds , I w as s eeing the human des per ation to mate in its v iles t and pur es t f or m. It w as like w atc hing a tr ain c r as h in s low motion; y ou w er e hor r if ied at the s ight y et unable to look aw ay . A ny w ay , the mor al of the s tor y is , w hen y our e w atc hing s omething like this going on at the s ame table y our e play ing Cr aps at, y our e es s entially guar anteed that either a) its the Craps at the Wynn w as the one of the best decisions w e made all trip

apoc aly ps e and the f our hor s emen ar e jus t r ound the c or ner , or b) y ou ar e about to s tar t los ing. Seeing as the f our hor s emen ar e y et to des tr oy a thir d of the planet, its r eas onably s af e to as s ume that option ( b) kic ked into gear . It all s tar ted w hen the 40 y ear old div or c ee got the dic e and c r apped out immediately . This w as f ollow ed by the 50 y ear old div or c ee c r apping out immediately . This w as f ollow ed by the f unky A s ian guy c r apping out immediately . A ll of this c oinc ided w ith me, thinking Id got the hang of the game , upping my bets . Es s entially Id been f loating ar ound the $130 mar k f or s ometime and w as now , s uddenly , dow n to $50. A gain, this w as w hen I s houldv e w alked aw ay . Rec kon I did? 7:00 Nope. I los t the $50 as w ell. Cr ap. Still, I now know how to play Cr aps and its all kinds of aw es ome. Nex t time I go to V egas , and y ou know ther ell be a nex t time, Ill be hitting the Cr aps table w ell bef or e I play any Blac kjac k. 7:15 Its near ly time f or the c ollege bas ketball to s tar t s o Dav e and I w eigh up our options . We head to the Wy nns s por ts book only to dis c ov er its mor e c r ow ded than a Toky o tr ain dur ing peak hour . We dec ide to abandon the Wy nn ( w hic h, all things c ons ider ed, had been pr etty good to us ) , and head dow n the Str ip. We had no ex pec tations that w ed f ind s omew her e good. We ev en c ons ider ed buy ing s ome beer and heading bac k to our hotel r oom to w atc h the game. Ultimately w e w alked a little f ur ther and our V egas high w as s tar ting to f ade. On a w him w e pull into the Mir age and s tumbled upon an outdoor bar s er v ing nac hos , beer , and s how ing both c ollege bas ketball games s imultaneous ly . V EGA S!!! We quic kly r ac e into the Mir age s por ts book and plac e tw o bets . One on Dallas to beat Por tland in the NBA ( Dallas w er e gener ous outs ider s ) , and a bet on one of the Sw eet 16 games I c ant r emember w hic h one. A ny w ay , bac k w e go to the bar and take our s eat. To our lef t is a bunc h of f r at boy s on a dir ty V egas w eekend w ho ar e hitting on the ( undeniably c ute) w aitr es s w ith r ec kles s abandon. Dav e and I thought of tr y ing to beat them to it, but ins tead w e s ettle in to w atc h the game. 10:30 The games hav e hit a c r ac king pac e! Cur r ently w er e in ov er time and it s how s no s igns of s low ing dow n. Ev er y one in the entir e bar is on the edge of their s eats and the atmos pher e jus t c r ac ked State of Or igin lev els . Onc e again w ev e unintentionally f ound our s elv es in the thic k of the ac tion. 11:15 Finally the game is ov er and WHOA ! What an unbeliev able f inis h. The game ended up going to tr iple ov er time and a c ouple to our lef t near ly had a hear t attac k. The f r at boy s had c r apped out w ith the w aitr es s ( s ur pr is e, s ur pr is e) s o it w as jus t Dav e, me, our beer s , s ome c old nac hos , s ome mor e los t money , hav ing the time of our liv es . I s hould add, w e w er e s till in a pac ked outdoor bar that w as liv ing and dy ing on ev er y pos s es s ion. When a play er made a s hot, it w as like the entir e bar had w on the lotter y . When a play er mis s ed a s hot, it w as like the entir e bar had jus t dis c ov er ed their s ignif ic ant other had c heated on them w ith a V egas w or ker . In other w or ds : it w as aw es ome. 12:00am We s tumble bac k to our hotel c ons ider ing w hether to pus h on thr ough the night. Dav e is f ar keener than me ( s ide note I r ealis ed on this tr ip that Im of f ic ially old. Dav e c ons is tently r ec ov er ed f as t and had the ability to s ur v iv e longer than me in the par ty ing s takes . Bac k in the day Dav e and I us ed to go dr ink f or dr ink, ef f or t f or ef f or t on a nightly bas is . Thes e day s , me going up agains t Dav e is like Lex Luthor going up agains t Super man a little ef f ec tiv e at f ir s t but ultimately f utile.) but s inc e Im s eeing my f amily tomor r ow , Im not keen to des tr oy my s elf tw o nights in a r ow . A ll in all this has been an unbeliev ably good f ew day s . Dav e and I had built up our V egas tr ip to the point of abs ur dity w e w er e ex pec ting s uc h gr eatnes s that our ex pec tations s eemed des tined to be das hed. What w e f ound out is that V egas is unlike any other c ity on Ear th. No matter how pumped y ou ar e about going; no matter how muc h y ou talk up the ex per ienc e; it w ill s till leav e y ou w anting mor e. That s aid, I think tw o/thr ee day s is enough time to s pend ther e. Too muc h of a good thing is ex ac tly that: too muc h. If w e pus hed on any longer w e w ould hav e los t mor e money ( s hudder ) and los t mor e br ain c ells ( s hudder ) and pos s ibly w ound up in the middle of the des er t w ith a s hotgun in our f ac e ( mas s iv e s hudder ) . Of c our s e thats a tempting s c enar io, but w hen Dav e and I f lew out the nex t mor ning, w e knew w ed jus t had a s ens ational time and w er e deter mined that w e w ill be bac k. The outdoor bar w here w e w atched the Sw eet Sixteen.

A s Bill Simmons w ould s ay : V egas , baby . V egas Clic k her e to email Dy lan about the abov e c olumn. Clic k her e to go bac k to the homepage.