The Emotional Bank Account

When it comes to improving and maintaining our relationships with others, Stephen Coveys metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account is probably one of the most powerful ideas ever created for the development of interpersonal relationships. If youve never heard of this, it basically means that anyone with whom we have a relationship with, whether it be our coworkers, family or friends, we maintain a personal emotional bank account with them. This account begins on a neutral balance. And just as with any bank account, we can make deposits and withdrawals. However, instead of dealing with units of monetary value, we deal with emotional units. The emotional units that Covey speaks of are centered around trust. When we make emotional deposits into someones bank account, their fondness, trust, and confidence in us grows. And as a result our relationship develops and grows. If we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships, by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes and well enjoy open communication with that person. On the contrary, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and discord develops. If we are to salvage the relationship, we must make a conscious effort to make regular deposits. This post will discuss Coveys six major ways of making deposits into these Emotional Bank Accounts and how we can avoid making withdrawals. 1. Understanding the Individual In Coveys book, seven habits of highly effective people, one of the seven habits is seek first to understand then to be understood. Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always that easy. We must remove ourselves from our egocentric viewpoint and put ourselves into the minds and shoes of others. I say minds and shoes because we must try to first understand the thought patterns and second walk in their shoes or empathize with them. One of my major faults when communicating with others is, while they are talking I tend to think what I am going to say next. Truly understanding someone requires us to wholly and completely concentrate on what the other person is trying to say, not reloading, just waiting to fire off your response 2. Keeping Commitments Certainly when we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their Emotional Bank Accounts. However, keeping commitments is not just relegated to promises. It also includes things such as arriving to work and appointments on time, fulfilling our duties, and living up to every word that comes out of our mouth. 3. Clarifying Expectations There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. Although many of us wish we could be, we are not mind readers. And because each of us sees life differently and has different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just know is not only unfair but completely unrealistic. Its important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations. 4. Attending to the Little Things Little courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are at the heart of the little things that brighten up a relationship. It shows recognition and an awareness of others. Its interesting, but within our relationships, if you want success, its the little things that really become the big things. 5. Showing Personal Integrity Nothing is probably more damaging to a relationship, then a lack of integrity. Being that the Emotional

Bank Account is based upon trust, you could essentially be doing all of the previous things, but without trust, it is to no avail. Integrity means wholeness, completeness, or soundness. In this case soundness of moral character. Integrity is the rock-solid foundation upon which all successful relationships are built. 6. Apologizing Sincerely When We Make a Withdrawal Granted, we are all mortal. We make mistakes. Thats part of life and learning. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes prevents the wounds that youve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, sincere apology will keep your relationships accounts in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in your application of all of the previous steps.

The Emotional Bank Account

The Emotional Bank Account is a metaphor describing relationships and the P/PC (Production versus building Production Capacity) balance for interdependence. It describes how trust is built on a relationship. Positive behaviors are deposits building a reserve. Negative behaviors are withdrawals. A high reserve balance results in higher tolerance for our mistakes and more open communication. There are six major deposits we can make to the emotional bank account: 1. Understanding the individual. An individual's values determine what actions will result in a deposit or a withdrawal for that individual. To build a relationship, you must learn what is important to the other person and make it as important to you as the other person is to you. Understand others deeply as individuals and then treat them in terms of that understanding. 2. Attend to the little things, which are the big things in relationships. 3. Keep commitments. Breaking a promise is a major withdrawal. 4. Clarify expectations. The cause of almost all relationship difficulties is rooted in ambiguous, conflicting expectations around roles and goals. Making an investment of time and effort up front saves time, effort and a major withdrawal later. 5. Show personal integrity. A lack of integrity can undermine almost any effort to create a high trust reserve. Honesty requires conforming our words to reality. Integrity requires conforming reality to our words, keeping promises and fulfilling expectations. 6. The key to the many is the one, especially the one that tests the patience and good humor of the many. How you treat the one reveals how you regard the many, because everyone is ultimately a one. 7. Apologize sincerely when you make a withdrawal. Sincere apologies are deposits, but repeated apologies are interpreted as insincere, resulting in withdrawals.

A Childs Emotional Bank Account

At a parenting seminar I recently attended, someone asked a room full of parents, What is the most difficult aspect of raising successful children? The most memorable response drew a lot of laughs; The first twenty-five years. Indeed, there are numerous challenges we parents face from the toddler times through their teenage years, and beyond! A parenting tip to gain cooperation and good conduct is to make frequent deposits into our childrens emotional bank account. What is an emotional bank account? Think of it this way: When your checking account is overdrawn, it is hard for you to give away money. Similarly, people have emotional bank accounts that must be sufficiently full for them to give away- not money, but time, personal responsibility, and good behavior. Adding regular deposits in your kids emotional bank account is smart investing in their future, so they will feel secure in withdrawing or giving back to you in the form of respect and proper obedience of your rules. A child who feels that he is running a negative balance will gain pleasure from making Mom or Dad get angry. In a backwards psychological way, the power the child yields over his parents in driving them to extreme frustration can fill an otherwise empty emotional bank account. Its the classic case of the child who would rather get negative attention from their parents than no attention. Being yelled at is better than being ignored, as it fills his emotional account with a bad currency rather than leaving it in the red. Here are some suggestions of deposits to bump up the balance in your childs emotional bank account: 1) Give him a gift for no reason. 2) Place a note that says, I love you in her lunch bag. 3) Let him choose (from options you provide) the next family vacation. 4) Spend time alone with her at a location of her choice 5) Truly listen when she speaks to you 6) Believe in him, and his ideas. 7) Do a surprise favor for her. Give him specific and truthful complements. Making regular deposits in your childrens emotional bank accounts will yield dividends beyond any those of the highest-performing stock on the market!

Bank Account The one that Matters

by Eric | Mar 29, 2010, Of all the bank accounts that matter, maintaining a credit in the account of your coworkers or employees, as they see you, is paramount. For many years I have sought ways to find the positive, to give when others do not expect it, and thus to establish a credit in the account. In such a negative world, leading through positive energy has real power. BTW, thats the way I like to be treated too. Here is how it works. When you get to a point in the business where you need to make a withdrawal, or to ask someone for something that may seem as asking too much or even stretching the bands of whats fair, that person will do the following. First they will listen to what is being asked, followed almost immediately by a quick check of the emotional bank account. If they view you and the way they have been treated as having a credit, they will do it, if not, or you have asked so often as to create a deficit, they will not. One time when I was running Lombard, I had to ask a manager to relocate down to Orlando from the Bay area. He thought for a minute and then said something I will never forget; If its you asking, Ill do it. Later, in our conversation, I made a promise to him that I would make him the next manager at our next location, and I kept that promise. As soon as he arrived in Orlando, I worked hard to make deposits in his account. To this day, he and I have long moved on to other careers, but the trust and respect is still there. I believe strongly in emotional bank accounts, and I encourage you to do the same. I have witnessed the same give and take with developers many times over as well. What follows is a piece from Stephen Covey discussing the subject. When it comes to improving and maintaining our relationships with others, Stephen Coveys metaphor of the Emotional Bank Account is probably one of the most powerful ideas ever created for the development of interpersonal relationships. If youve never heard of this, it basically means that anyone with whom we have a relationship with, whether it be our coworkers, family or friends, we maintain a personal emotional bank account with them. This account begins on a neutral balance. And just as with any bank account, we can make deposits and withdrawals. However, instead of dealing with units of monetary value, we deal with emotional units. The emotional units that Covey speaks of are centered around trust. When we make emotional deposits into someones bank account, their fondness, trust, and confidence in us grows. And as a result our relationship develops and grows. If we can keep a positive reserve in our relationships, by making regular deposits, there will be greater tolerance for our mistakes and well enjoy open communication with that person. On the contrary, when we make withdrawals and our balance becomes low or even overdrawn, bitterness, mistrust and discord develops. If we are to salvage the relationship, we must make a conscious effort to make regular deposits. This post will discuss Coveys six major ways of making deposits into these Emotional Bank Accounts and how we can avoid making withdrawals. 1. Understanding the Individual In Coveys book, seven habits of highly effective people, one of the seven habits is seek first to understand then to be understood. Truly understanding what others are feeling is not always that easy. We must remove ourselves from our egocentric viewpoint and put ourselves into the minds and shoes of others. I say minds and shoes because we must try to first understand the thought patterns and second walk in their shoes or empathize with them. One of my major faults when communicating with others is, while they are talking I tend to think what I am going to say next. Truly understanding someone requires us to wholly and completely concentrate

on what the other person is trying to say, not reloading, just waiting to fire off your response 2. Keeping Commitments Certainly when we break our promises to others, we make major withdrawals from their Emotional Bank Accounts. However, keeping commitments is not just relegated to promises. It also includes things such as arriving to work and appointments on time, fulfilling our duties, and living up to every word that comes out of our mouth. 3. Clarifying Expectations There is nothing more frustrating in a relationship than not understanding what is expected of you. Although many of us wish we could be, we are not mind readers. And because each of us sees life differently and has different backgrounds and life experiences, expecting someone to just know is not only unfair but completely unrealistic. Its important that the person with whom you are dealing with, knows exactly what is expected of them. Doing this will keep them out of the dark and allow them to relate you confidently, knowing that what they are doing is in line with your expectations. 4. Attending to the Little Things Little courtesies, kind words and warm smiles are at the heart of the little things that brighten up a relationship. It shows recognition and an awareness of others. Its interesting, but within our relationships, if you want success, its the little things that really become the big things. 5. Showing Personal Integrity Nothing is probably more damaging to a relationship, then a lack of integrity. Being that the Emotional Bank Account is based upon trust, you could essentially be doing all of the previous things, but without trust, it is to no avail. Integrity means wholeness, completeness, or soundness. In this case soundness of moral character. Integrity is the rock-solid foundation upon which all successful relationships are built. 6. Apologizing Sincerely When We Make a Withdrawal Granted, we are all mortal. We make mistakes. Thats part of life and learning. Knowing when you are wrong and admitting your mistakes prevents the wounds that youve caused in others from festering and allows them to heal. When appropriate, sincere apology will keep your relationships accounts in the positive, allowing you to maintain the balance that has been created in your application of all of the previous steps. Source: Stephen Covey