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submissions to theboss@theonlyhipandedgywebsite.co.

uk Monday 25th April 2011

The Underground
High Wycombe‟s only hip and edgy newspaper (who the hell writes this garbage?)

[If you want, you can do that thing where you big name collaborations in the US, creating JMC doesn‟t have plans to perform in Wycombe
photocopy this newspaper and pass it onto three remixes for the likes of Lemar. We asked him how yet, though The Underground did point him in the
other people guerrilla-style. You can also visit he does collaborations, if he just flew over to direction of WAMA.2 However, he and Vault Studios
www.theonlyhipandedgywebsite.co.uk if you care.] America every weekend and he replied “yes”. JMC need help: budding music producers, graphic
doesn‟t just do collaborations with other rappers, designers and sound tech people – this is for you.
Hello World! he forms friendships with them. “Even all the Do NOT hesitate to get in touch.
successful people in America, they started on the – The Chaz, all the relevant contact details are on
Real magazines have launch parties, release
streets”, he says. “Once you break down those The Underground‟s website
parties, 25th issue parties.... It‟s epic fun, or so
barriers with those artists, you can make them
I‟ve heard from e-zine editors cooler than myself. Further Cooking: Full American Breakfast3
contacts and then make them friends.”
However, there is something special in this issue:
as requested by its (beloved) readers, The However, JMC is still an independent musician. “On 2 sticks (1 cup) softened butter
Underground somehow managed to score an an independent label, you can try any format of 3/4 cup packed light brown sugar
interview with the Shoreditch rap musician JMC. music you want”, he says. “A major label can 1 cup granulated sugar
Even more surprisingly, The Underground managed instantly put your face out across the world, but 2 large eggs
to score actual content from its reader- [on an independent label] you know the people 1 tablespoon pure vanilla
contributors. Wow. Take that, Vouge. No-one likes that like you genuinely like you.” 3 1/2 cups flour
a story of „success‟, no matter how mediocre, so 1 teaspoon salt
I‟ll shut up now, but feel free to send something JMC is not just a rapper. In 2001, before the 1 teaspoon baking soda
else in, nobody cares what, we‟ll love you for it: vibrant club scene evolved in Shoreditch, JMC had 10 oz bag chocolate chips
theboss@theonlyhipandedgywebsite.co.uk. already established his studio, “The Vault”. The 1 pkg. Oreo cookies
more The Underground spoke to him, the more we
Safe Cracker realized that running his studio was as much of a Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Cream butter and
job as making the music, if not more, and that sugars together with a mixer until well combined.
Music captured JMC at a young age. He grew up Beat in eggs and vanilla. In a separate bowl mix
JMC was a pretty damn good entrepreneur. The
around reggae and radio rock, but once he the flour, salt and baking soda. Slowly add to wet
Vault has been used by some of the leading urban
discovered hip hop, that was it. Two years ago, he ingredients along with chocolate chips until just
musicians in the world.
released his third rap album, Safe Cracker. combined. Using a cookie scoop take one scoop of
Although currently based in Shoreditch, JMC has He‟s been also involved in creating opportunities cookie dough and place on top of an Oreo Cookie.
collaborated with other artists all over the world, for disaffected Hackney youth, giving them a Take another scoop of dough and place on bottom
most notably on the other side of the Atlantic. chance to perform, “I try to keep in touch with of Oreo cookie. Seal edges together by pressing
the young ones”, he says. “I bring artists to the and cupping in hand until Oreo cookie is enclosed
JMC‟s latest album, Safe Cracker, is a more serious
area, give them [the kids] opportunity.” One of with dough. Place onto a parchment or lined
record than his other work. He cites Jay-Z, 2-pac
his latest events is a comedy night aptly named baking sheet and bake cookies 9-13 minutes or
and even 50 Cent as his influences, but he
„You Having A Laugh?‟ We asked JMC if he did until golden brown. Let cool for 5 minutes before
believes that his music, as well as rap in general,
stand-up himself. “Nah,” he said. “Not me. That‟s transferring to cooling rack. Enjoy with Coca-cola
has more diverse origins than the Top 40. “Rap
a different kind of skill”. or popcorn.
has a lot of influence from pop and hip hop, but
– Anonymous contributor
its publicity would never show that”, he says. JMC JMC stays involved with every phase of producing
is currently working on a few new tracks, which a record and admits to being a bit of a
are more lyrical and R&B based. He also says that 2 We also showed JMC and his PA Wycombe Skate Park,
perfectionist. “It‟s a hindrance, but in the same
where they just happened to be playing some entry-level
reggae, hip hop and funky house have had a big way it‟s not.” Like most musicians, he works dubstep and having a graffiti fest. Hopefully they
influence on his work. closely with sound engineers to achieve the exact weren‟t too scared off.
3 This column is dedicated to a particular acquaintance
sound he wants. More eccentrically, he makes his
Cassidy, Ed Sheeran1 and Sizzla have all done of of mine, I quote, “But it‟s a girls‟ school, they don‟t do
music videos using 35mm film, to the puzzlement further maths, they do do, I dunno... further cooking.”
collaborations with JMC. He‟s also been involved in
of some of his collaborators. “They say to me „Oh, Anyway, this new column is for original and zany
you wanna make a video.‟” says JMC, chuckling. recipes only. If you‟re a budding chef, feel free to share
1 “a ginger kid who looks jut like Prince Harry”. any recipes you‟ve invented or made up or whatever.
Amateur Chillwave4 Review simply record Heroes and America‟s Next Model Milo will be in other films.
then watch Glee on E4+1. This decision making – Shani Edwards, our most regular contributor
After the editor of a certain magazine decided to was so extremely draining for me because I had
be totally unchill about my taste in music, I to decide between Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes, Joke to Reduce Your Misery
decided to search the internet in pursuit of an Darren Criss from Glee and the clothes from
education.5 This began at 2:45am, on a Tuesday Q. How can you tell the difference between a
America‟s Next Top Model. For I feel affectionate
morning. After 6 hours of listening to (“dubstep”) introverted maths student and a extroverted maths
towards all of these things.
NyanCat, I was in a sleep deprived state. I was student?
browsing through chill chillwave bands (full of Even though I have already seen all four seasons A. When she's talking to you an introverted maths
chillicity) on last.fm and I fell in love with of Heroes I am still obsessed with the programme, student looks at her feet. An extroverted maths
everything I heard. or rather I am still in love with Milo Ventimiglia‟s student looks at yours!
character, Peter Petrelli. Milo has all the usual – adapted from a joke about Finnish people
When I wasn‟t so drowsy, I listened to the songs things that I am attracted to, floppy hair and the
again and selected my favourite one to review for REM My computing class
ability to play the guitar. I would also mention
you: You‟ll See It – Washed Out the fact that he has a lopsided smile but I fear This year I decided to take Computing which,
that I will be killed by anti-twilighters because despite being one of my favourite lessons, was not
You get a cheery vibe from this song from the
that is Edward Cullen‟s trademark look. the best of all choices. Not only was there an
beginning, from the hypnotic compilation of chords
and the little twinkles of a keyboard. Naturally, unbelievable amount of coursework but some
A few years ago Milo Ventimiglia starred in a
being chillwave, the song sounds like something things were just bizarre. Apparently a cache is not
music video in which he sat on a couch, topless,
from the 80s. Fan videos on Youtube use clips of the RAM of a RAM. Don‟t ask. Nevertheless, my
playing the guitar. I would be lying if I told you
80s videos which are cute and also very fitting. class has 9 people, including my teacher, and for
that I did not watch this music video on repeat
once, I do not wish to strangle a single one of
with the volume muted. It‟s not that I dislike the
The beat is catchy. Enhanced by the pulsing beats, them.
song; it‟s just that I appreciate Milo Ventimiglia‟s
the music draws you in. The synthesized voice
face significantly more than his singing. Every now First: Mr Loverman6, a new student, who I would
sounds totally dreamy. What I like about this song
and again I get random cravings to watch the say is quiet, shy and possibly a little on the
is that it‟s so easy to listen to. It would be
music video and enjoy some Milo time. confused side of things. He‟s been teased all year
wonderful to hear this to while lying in the sun in
an empty, grassy place. It‟s perfect for listening to and hasn‟t realized it yet. He is blamed for pretty
During the peak of my obsession with Milo, I
in summer. Listen to this song and fall in love much everything, e.g. when the entire computer
knew all of the episodes of Heroes in which he
with it. Or you know, if you‟re not chill or have system goes down. His best known acts are a)
did interesting things. I could tell you the name of
no taste in music, don‟t! almost breaking the class‟ hole-puncher and b), on
the episode, its original air date, and at what
– TamG1, you can also follow Washed Out on a practice exam, drawing what I would call „an
points during the episode Milo Ventimiglia would
Twitter, tweet @ernestgreene outline of a dog shit‟ and labelling it as a „circle‟.
be present. (My memory could be used for useful
things like revision but instead I waste it on Secondly is another new kid, Elli, who I would
Casual Sexism
Heroes.) personally say is the least likely person to take
Q: How do you know when it's time to get a new computing; he isn‟t a nerd or a computer geek
In the second season of Heroes, I went through a
dishwasher? but a rugby player. He is able to live without
very difficult time. Peter Petrelli cut off all of his
A: When the old one expects you to "do your being wired up, though this doesn‟t stop him from
hair. It was a dark day for me and everyone who
share". being probably the highest/ second highest
had grown fond of his floppy locks. In all
– the internet, where else? achiever in our class. Nevertheless, he doesn‟t
honesty I cannot remember how I dealt with this,
really contribute to our „banter‟ and kinda just
Shani‟s Obsessions probably because I have tried to suppress this
sits there, like a robot trying to take over the
memory of such a horrible time. What made it
world.
Recently the programme Heroes was repeated on worse was that during these scenes when he had
the Sci-Fi channel on Sky. I found this incredibly his short hair, he was topless but I couldn‟t even Next, are Whale and Khan, two pretty pro
distressing. How on earth was I supposed to enjoy it because I was too torn up over his hair. programmers who sit in class either touching each
record America‟s Next Top Model, Glee AND other or hitting each other or both. They‟re both
Heroes? During this difficult period, Milo was also in a film
the type to become the next Mark Zuckerbro,
called Pathology, which I assume was about
especially Khan. The reason I have included them
It was a horrible dilemma that haunted me for pathologists. Unfortunately the film was an 18 and
together in a paragraph because one cannot be
several minutes. In the end I decided that I would I was only 13. I was desperate to see it, to see
without the other. Khan is asleep most of the
Milo on a big screen. I asked my mother if she
4 Editor‟s note – chillwave is a 2010-2011 music
time, only waking up to insult Microsoft, for he
thought I get into an 18 and she just laughed.
microtrend, the first to originate online. It means a hates it just as Hitler hated Jews. Whale spends
heavily processed lo-fi song with melodic vocals.
Her reply was that I probably get into a
5 this is the only pursuit of any education I have ever 15...providing that I dressed like a tart. I suppose 6 Pseudonyms have been used.
done in all my years of chilling on Earth
most of the class either working, getting angry at me the unfortunate nickname of „Cherry and I looked at my empire and nodded to myself,
his laptop (I quote „AAAGGHHHH I‟M GONNA KILL Montecarlo‟ and finds it oh-so-hilarious to tease like a BOSS.
SOMEONE‟) or thinking up innuendos, for me about everything, from breaking a nail to my
everything our teacher says. arch nemesis “Fagley”8. There‟s a great possibility As I said before, the battles in this game are
that he is reading this article and probably really damn hard. It is unbelievably easy to fuck
Weffle is an overly innocent new girl with a real giggling away at it all; I guess that only tells us up an entire battle, one that could decide the fate
passion for computers. She is easily excited and that this guy appreciates real banter. of your entire empire. If your King, who is really
spent the first few months obsessing over her – CharyOHearts, this zine‟s first contributor (you damn important, is trapped in a city or
ruler. Weffle also loves sufing. She kind of doesn‟t know, I thought I said “less geeky” this week) something, losing the battle means that you lose
really say anything in class, mostly because it your King. If you lose your entire royal family you
takes her a while to „get‟ the banter, and usually Thought for the Week lose, historical accuracy I guess, because back then
sits in class, probably daydreaming of her surfer “Truly decent, innocent people can be taxing to be the royals were more important than entire cities
dudes and/or Ben Goldwasser (who is totally not combined.
around”
as beautiful as my Andrew Vanwyngarden). God
- David Foster Wallace, a really awesome author The battle system itself is similar to other TBSs:
bless her soul.
who died tragically three years ago, his unfinished there are different types of solider, such as
Baker is another nerd gal who decided to take novel was published last week archers, footsoldiers, and cavalry and siege
Computing and probably really really regrets it. weapons. Of course there are also the peasants,
The hardest turn-based strategy I‟ve ever played
She‟s taken to spending the lessons looking as if who are just shit.
she were pleading for death to come and take her 'Sup? This week I‟ve been playing Medieval 2:
on a boat ride or something. She doesn‟t find a This game can be hilarious, even if you fuck up,
Total War. I'm getting more and more mainstream
single one of our teacher‟s jokes funny but tends simply because you can get CANNONS! One faction
in my tastes, this is not good. However, I don't
to have fits of hysterics when it comes to even gets firework launchers. The biggest cannon
think that many people have played this game
innuendo. She is known to particularly dislike in the game is called the Great Bombard and it is
because a) it's turn based strategy which means
doing work she feels is ridiculous, be it computing fucking huge; it fires cannonballs that makes
it‟s too slow for normal people to play and b) it's
related or not, so naturally she finds herself people fly to the next country, or, if they're really
a Total War game, which means it‟s only for
refusing to do anything in class. unlucky, space. However, this game is really suited
hardcore nerds. This game is really freaking hard
to the calmer and more patient gamer, as it can
because it actually requires a head for strategy,
The Chaz is yet another cool kid who in be highly annoying at times.
which, it seems, most of my generation lack.
computing. There is a lot to say for her, but when
it comes to computing, she kind of sits in class On a final note, I have recently received THREE
The story: basically, you want to conquer the
hating the sheer boredom of it all; so much that games from various sources! Having a birthday
world. The easiest, most logical way to achieve
it makes me laugh. She engages in repetitive ROCKS!!! Yay capitalism! As such, I don‟t need to
your goal is to kill everyone and take their land.
activities such as scribbling in her „book of to do mine you guys for recommendations. However, this
Sounds easy, right? Wrong. This game is fucking
lists‟, or rather her burn book. (It‟s actually the does NOT mean that you shouldn't send me them.
insane! You need to THINK in order to win in
book which contains the first hand copy of our –Jeboboid, joe_charlton@hotmail.co.uk, this
battle; you need to utilize every resource available
„list of enemies‟, don‟t ask.) Nonetheless, this kid article was also delayed due to editorial
to you. On top of that, your own cities may
is bright and spends the lesson basically mocking incompetence and stupidity
decide to just go ahead and renounce your
everything we study.7 leadership, which means you need to send in I switched to „Toss and I liked it.
another army to go and re-conquer them and
Penultimately you have me, the kid who‟s obsessed
slaughter your own populace. It all gets quite You most probably haven‟t a clue about any of
with a few videogames, finds everything hilarious
depressing. I hate being the bad guy. =( this9, but on Starcraft I used to play Terran, back
and is easily wound up. I‟m basically the main
in the day. Terran is the „foundation‟ race and
source of entertainment; even our teacher, the You occasionally get really trivial missions, probably the easiest race to play, though it also
man himself, has claimed to miss my „nattering‟ pointless things like keeping peace or building a depends what campaign you learn on. Terran is
when I‟m not in class. I seem to be the one freaking church. If you don‟t do them you get good all-round; it has a potentially good early
responsible for bringing up the most random excommunicated by the Pope. I just went ahead game as well as late game. Its unique features
topics and making the class go off on obscure, and destroyed the Papacy. There being no more make it very attractive to beginners because it‟s
irrelevant tangents. Pope to boss me around, the bitch, I went around simple to find a routine with it. You can develop
pillaging and subjugating random people: the a „cookie cutter‟ playing style where you do the
Lastly and by no means leastly, is our teacher, an
Scottish and the French and the Russians. (But not same thing: Every. Single. Game. And if your
IT expert/ businessman/ guy that teaches
the Danish, I made an alliance with those badass cookie cutter is square shaped, i.e. kind of lame,
computing, who seems to have had tons of
motherfuckers) I conquered as much as possible
different jobs. He‟s a really cool guy and
9 Editor‟s note – Starcraft is a strategy video game.
understands the meaning of banter, but he‟s given 8 Editor‟s note –I replaced the real name with “Fagley”, You can choose to control a race of aliens and you kill
you know, to protect identity. Thankfully, isn‟t anyone‟s other aliens. It‟s so addictive Koreans die playing it.
7 [citation needed] real name.
people can work around it and win. However if its
dinosaur shaped, you‟re pretty much set.

I had a heart shaped gameplay; not too bad, but


not too good either. And despite the great
experience I had with Terran, I decided to switch
to „Toss not because they are OP10 but because I
preferred the style of play. I like how you can
„warp‟ into Protoss buildings, which lets your
workers waste less time travelling. I also like the
never-overrated warp gates, so I can quickly and
easily get my attack soldiers – “stalkers” – to
my enemy. A brilliant feature, if you ask me.

With Protoss, upgrading your troops is quick and


easy, if you have a good start. If your base
survives the early game, it‟s only a matter of time
until you are able to get all sort of awesome
stuff: air, robotics AND biological units. Protoss has
the earliest air units in the game, which gives
them a great advantage, especially against Zerg,
though not so much against Terran. But if you
pump up a good „all rounder‟ army, you‟re set.

I could just pump up a load of void rays and


basically fry all the Zerg players to death. Then I
could spend the rest of the game amassing an
army to crush the Terrans. But I won‟t. Because I
play like a real man.
– UnresistableObscurity, if you understood that,
you did better than me.

WANTED: Drivel for publication

To the smug fucker who emailed this paper a


“submission” consisting entirely of the “word”
“NYAN” – I cannot express my discontent in just
this segment. I would need 20 full issues for that.
However, I hope you checked your email account
for my angry reply. I know, I know The
Underground asks for drivel, but even drivel is
higher on the literary ladder than full-on spam.
Shitty writing is okay – I can use Microsoft
Word‟s spelling and grammar check – but what
am I supposed to do with a page of “NYAN”s?
There was literally a squiggly red line under every
word. Put yourself in my shoes. Send me drivel,
but make it drivel I can believe in. You know the
address: theboss@theonlyhipandedgywebsite.co.uk

10 Zany gamer slang for “over powered”, which means


“so good it‟s unfair”.

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