Getting along together
Beyond birds
and bees
It can be difficult to accept your child’s sexuality, but by talking about sex
and relationships with your child you are helping to provide them with
the important tools they need to make good decisions.
For all of us, our relationships with others enrich our
lives, including family, close friends, and romantic or sexual
relationships. As a parent of a child with Down syndrome,
it is important to foster healthy relationships in your
child’s life, teaching them the skills they need to make and
maintain strong, healthy relationships with others.
This means acknowledging your child’s sexuality. Sexuality
is not just about sex: it’s about how we view and feel
about ourselves. As Craft says, “although we can shape
(and mis-shape) sexual expression, sexuality is not an
optional extra which in our wisdom we can choose to
bestow or withhold according to whether or not some
kind of intelligence test is passed.”1
Our sexuality is a fundamental part of each one of us,
and how we choose to express it, is vital to who we are.
You can’t stop your child from becoming a sexual being,
but you can instil values and caution, and provide your
children with knowledge to help them make the right
choices when they are ready.
Discussing relationships
Teaching your children about relationships, how they
should expect to be treated, how they should treat
others, and the qualities of a good and a bad relationship,
is vital.
This knowledge gives your children a strong platform
from which to springboard into romantic relationships
with a boyfriend or girlfriend if they want to, and opens
a dialogue that can lead into discussions about sexual
relationships and sexual assault.
It is important your child knows it is perfectly normal to
have sexual feelings, or a ‘crush’ on others of the same
or opposite sex. To begin discussion on this topic, start
talking about the qualities your child wants in a friend.
Next, make a list and discuss the qualities they would
like in a boyfriend or girlfriend. As you do this, refer
back to the friendship list, particularly if some of the
qualities from that list are not present on the boyfriend/
girlfriend list. Explain to your child that even though the
relationship is a step up in intimacy from a friendship, the
qualities of a friendship should still be present.
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by Kardella Whelan
Family Planning Victoria
www.fpv.org.au
You can also use popular television shows such as
Home and Away and Neighbours to discuss good and
bad relationships. Brainstorm ideas with your child about
what a particular character (or they themselves) could
do in that situation. For example, say: “[The character]
is not being very nice to their boy/girlfriend. What
could he/she do that would be better when their [boy/
girlfriend] does that?”
Use this time to explain to your child that relationships
need to be reciprocal: just liking someone doesn’t make
them your boy/girlfriend. Then, if your child comes to you
and says they have a boy/girlfriend, ask them to explain
what they mean. If it is obviously one-sided, be clear with
them that this is not a relationship, but perhaps a ‘crush’.
Explain this is okay, and that perhaps when they become
better friends, if the other person agrees, they can begin
a relationship.
It is also important to discuss the public and private
aspects of a relationship. Remember to remind or tell
your child that some things can only be done in private
and not in public. A good way of explaining this is by
talking about things that might make other people feel
embarrassed if they were to see you. For example, you
could explain: “Sexy kissing is a private thing. It’s okay to
do sexy kissing in a private place, but it’s not okay to do
sexy kissing at school because that’s a public place.”
At the same time, make sure your child has a private
place and private time to kiss their boy/girlfriend if they
want to. If they don’t have such a time and space, they
might choose to be intimate in public because this is
the only time they see their boyfriend or girlfriend.
This would be both inappropriate and possibly
embarrassing for them.
Facilitating relationships
It can be difficult to help your child facilitate a
relationship. Studies have found that although people
without a disability are happy to have friends with an
intellectual disability, when the level of intimacy increases,
the desire to maintain these relationships decreases.2
This is a disappointing outcome because it limits the
number of potential romantic relationships people with
Voice, Winter 2008. Down Syndrome Victoria Members Journal
 Getting along together
an intellectual disability have the opportunity to develop
in their everyday lives.
Likewise, there are not too many places available where
people with an intellectual disability can go safely without
supervision to make and maintain relationships.3 It is
therefore important to create these opportunities for
your child. For example, have a party so your child can
invite people from school, work or other activities.
This allows you to keep an eye on things, but still creates a
safe environment for your child to facilitate relationships.
You may also feel your child is not ready for the physical
or emotional aspects of a relationship. Give them a list
of “relationship activities” you feel are appropriate but
not necessarily too intimate: for example, going to the
movies, kissing, holding hands and cuddling. By giving
them the list in a calm and open manner, they will be
more inclined to come to you when they have questions
or want to go a step further in their relationship. This will
allow you to help them make good decisions.
Sexual relationships
As a parent, the thought of your child having a sexual
relationship may scare the wits out of you, but remember
how you (and your body!) felt during adolescence and
early adulthood. Also remember that bodies can get
carried away: if you have the slightest inkling that your
child will want to do more than holding hands and kissing,
you need to discuss the intricacies of sex.
Always reinforce public and private when discussing
intimate behaviour.
Contraception and sexually transmissible
infections
SYNDROMEORGREVIEWSPAGE
In any discussion about sex, you need to include
contraception and sexually transmissible infections (STIs).
Contraception can be explained as “things that stop
you having a baby if you don’t want one”. STIs can be
explained as “germs you can get from sex”. There are
many forms of contraception on the market, so use the
internet and ask your doctor or Family Planning Clinic
for more information.
Vulnerability to coercion
We know that some children with an intellectual
disability can be more easily led and prone to coercion.
The best method of protecting your child against
coercion is to make sure they are knowledgeable and
Voice, Winter 2008. Down Syndrome Victoria Members Journal
informed on the subject of sexuality, have the language
(or symbols) to be able to discuss it and have someone
with a non-judgmental attitude they can talk to about
these topics. Although you may want to scream (or
cry) at what your child tells you, it is important to show
them you can listen without judging, and you can answer
their questions honestly. It will also be useful to let your
child know that if something happens to them that
they don’t want (for example, someone touches them
inappropriately) they can tell you about it. If you have
provided them with the appropriate language, they will
be able to explain what happened, which is a very
positive thing if further action needs to be taken, such
as charges need to be laid.
The key to surviving relationships while ensuring
your relationship with your child remains intact, is to
remember that every child worries their parents with
some of the decisions they make, whether they have a
disability or not. Don’t carry on too much about the risks:
tell them the good side of relationships so the negative
aspects don’t become the benchmark.
By providing your child with the language and information
they need, and a place to discuss these things, you are
giving them the tools to make good decisions about
relationships and sex.
We strongly urge readers looking for assistance on this
important topic to contact the office for a full version of
this article. Listed below are some other useful resources
to help navigate sexuality with your child:
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Download a catalogue from www.fpv.org.au
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Pueschel (Down Syndrome Victoria Library)
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the Down Syndrome Victoria office
1 Aylott, J. (1991). Is the sexuality of people with a learning disability being denied?
British Journal of Nursing, 8(7), 438-442. Quote: p. 442.
2 Gordon, P.A., Feldman, D., Tantillo, J.C., & Perrone, K. (2004). Attitudes Regarding
Interpersonal Relationships with Persons with Mental Illness and Mental
Retardation. Journal of Rehabilitation, 70(1), 50-56.
3 Johnson, K., Hillier, L., Harrison, L., & Frawley, P. (2001). People with intellectual
disabilities: Living Safer Sexual Lives. Melbourne, Australia: La Trobe University,
Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society (ARCHS).
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