12 Tips for Parents about Sex Education

By : SoundVision

You've just found out your son or daughter is getting

sex education at public school and you want to give
them the Islamic perspective on it. Or your kids have
started asking the "where do babies come from"
question.

But you just can't get over your tongue-tying

embarrassment. Imagine! If your father or mother,
back in Cairo or Karachi, heard of this they'd be
stunned and question your parenting skills! Here are
some tips that can help you talk to your kids about
the "s" word.

1. Start Early

Ideally sex education is not provided to kids in a

reactionary fashion. Rather, it's given from the
beginning in an indirect manner. This means the
child has to have a strong sense of identity and an
understanding of what his or her values are.

"Parents are going to have sit down and explain their

values to their own children. And this needs to start
young, before the society influences them," says
Marilyn Morris, a Christian, who is president and
founder of Aim for Success. The organization
promotes abstinence from sex through speeches and
presentations to students in grades six to 12. The
group is one of the largest providers of abstinence
education in the United States.

She says it is also important to explain to kids why

you hold those values. For example, why do you not
approve of sex outside of marriage, whether this is
for religious and/or health reasons.

2. Give the child age-appropriate sex education

Starting to teach different topics at the right age is
also important. For example, a boy of eight may
notice his mom does not pray some time during the
month and may ask why. At this point, it can simply
be said this is a time when Allah has excused women
from praying. At the age of 12 or 13, a parent can
introduce the topic of menstruation, and by that
point, he will be able to make the connection.

Another way topics of a sexual nature can be

introduced is while the child is reading the Qur'an.
When the child reads verses about sexual
intercourse, menstruation, or homosexuality, for
example, this can be explained in a matter-of-fact
manner.

Sex can also be discussed in the context of

cleanliness in Islam at a certain age. For example, by
the age of six or seven, a child must know how to
clean him or herself after using the toilet. After this
at about eleven or twelve, the issue of Ghusl can be
raised and when it is necessary (i.e. after sexual
intercourse, after menstruation, etc).

As well, parents should sit with their children

individually, not all together to explain various age-
appropriate topics related to sex. Some of the topics
to talk about include modesty, decency, conduct and
behavior. But these should not be presented as just
a bunch of rules to be followed. Rather the wisdom
behind, for example, the Islamic dress code and
lowering the gaze for both sexes should be
explained.

3. Parents should build a good relationship with their

kids

Proper sex education can only be given if the correct

messages are being sent explicitly and implicitly by
parents. There has to be openness, not a rigid and
dogmatic atmosphere at home.
"I'm talking about a loving relationship at home
between the parents," says Khadija Haffajee an
Islamic activist and a retired school teacher from the
Ottawa-Carleton region of Canada. She has spent
about 30 years working in the public school system.
"That there's love between the parents, there's
affection. They [the kids] can see this, how they talk
to each other, the respect that's there."

4. Be an example

This goes hand in hand with being a role model,

which is the best way to teach and transmit values
to children. That means not only should children be
exposed to a healthy male-female relationship when
they see their parents. It also means parents do not
engage in activities which undermine their views on
sexuality.

For instance, "being careful themselves about what

they watch on T.V. or what movies they go to see is
crucial," says Morris "because that 's a bad influence
on us at any age. And if our children see us doing it
why shouldn't they as well?"

This also means setting an example in other aspects

of life by following the same rules you expect your
kids to follow. For example, if you're running late,
call children and let them know, show them the
same courtesy you expect from them, explains
Morris.

5. Meet with others who share your values

It is necessary for children to not just see the

embodiment of Islamic values at home. They must
also experience this in contacts with other Muslim
children and families, says Haffajee.

They must see that family life the Islamic way is not
just something their own family practices, but it's
something others do as well. This makes it more
"normal" for the child, who in public school may
have friends or acquaintances with homosexual
parents (two mommies or two daddies), parents who
are having sex outside of marriage (mom's
boyfriend, dad's girlfriend) or other types of
unacceptable relationships.

6. Get involved with your children's school

Depending on a parent's schedule, this can mean

different things. Most of the time, public schools
encourage parents' active participation through
channels like Parent and Teachers' Associations
(PTAs) or as elected school board members.

Haffajee explains that more and more schools will be

decentralized and will have more power at the PTA
level, for instance. Another forum for involvement is
running in school board elections. School boards run
all the schools in one district.

But if this is too much of a commitment for you as a

parent, at least be in contact with your child's
teacher, and let her/him know not just about
problems, but good things he or she is doing for your
child as well. "We have to build these links, not feel
it's them and us," adds Haffajee.

Volunteering and helping at the school is also an

option. This differs in each school. Some may have a
lunchroom program with parents as monitors, for
instance, which requires only a few hours a week.

Regular participation in such school organizations

and activities gives you a voice as a parent to
express your views about what's going on in the
school system as it affects your child, as well as
others' children.

It is important to add that this involvement should

not come only when the school has done something
you, as a parent, feel has violated your child's needs
as a Muslim, or when you want something
specifically for your child (i.e. time off for Eid,
Jumuah, etc.).

By participating at the long-term level, your voice is

more likely to be heard because you're involved in
making the school better generally, not just for your
child's interest only.

When it comes time for sex education, you can band

together with other parents, Muslim and non-Muslim,
who share the same views on the topic, and it is
more likely you will be listened to. "There are a lot of
non-Muslim parents who are concerned about these
issues and feel as if there is no control," notes
Haffajee.

7. Know the sex education territory

"There should be talk about what kind of information

they're getting, preadolescent education," says
Haffajee. Launching a three hour tirade against the
evils of public school sex education will do little good
in helping your son or daughter see what's wrong
with it. This is why it is necessary to find out what is
included in the sex education curriculum.

"They should find out exactly what the school is

teaching, to the point of even sitting with the person
doing the education and finding out about the values
of that person," says Morris. "This is a very
important issue"

8. Know the Islamic perspective on sex

There is more to sex education than telling your son

or daughter "don't do it until you get married".
Topics like menstruation, sexual changes in
adolescents, Islamic purity after various types of
uncleanliness associated with sex also have to be
discussed.
If you're not sure, get some help from a
knowledgeable Muslim or Imam, as well as a guide
for parents. Be capable of providing exact references
from the Qur'an, Sunnah and valid Islamic
authorities on relevant topics (i.e. birth control,
boy/girl relationships, etc.).

On the same note, if in the course of your

conversation your child asks you something and you
are not sure about whether it really is Islamic or not,
check it out. Assuming that a cultural practice
relating to sex or boy/girl relationships is
automatically Islamic is a mistake.

9. Tell your kids you're available to talk to them

about sex

This is necessary, especially if sex has been a taboo

subject in the household for so long. "Parents
[should] say to their children "I want to be your
primary source of information about sex," says
Morris. This makes it clear that while your child may
be getting information about sex from other sources
like television, the movies, school and friends, you
are the "authoritative source".

This is done best when discussed at a younger age,

rather than waiting for the teen years when
rebelliousness usually kicks in and kids are less likely
to listen to parents.

10. Express your nervousness

It will be hard to talk about sex for many parents.

But they should not hide this from their kids. Morris
recommends parents say, "If I sound nervous or
uncomfortable just bear with me," in the course of
their conversation.

This stresses the seriousness of the topic and the

importance of what you want to say. The fact that
this is so difficult for you, yet you are going forward
with it emphasizes your child's need to listen.

11. Withdraw your child from sex education but tell

them why

There are public schools where sex education is an

option, and a child can be exempted from it.
Haffajee says there are parents, Muslim and non-
Muslim who have decided to choose this instead of
having their kids sit through public school sex
education.

But if you do decide to do this, she advises it is

important to clearly explain to your child why this is
being done, and to ensure that he/she is being
provided with Islamic sex education in the home.
Otherwise, your child may see it as being excluded
from an activity with his or her friends.

12. Get help from others

If you feel extremely uncomfortable talking to your

kids about it, enlist the help of a knowledgeable and
open Imam or community member who is of the
same gender as your child, to explain the details and
provide the guidance. Other people can be Islamic
weekend school teachers, a Muslim social worker, or
a trusted family member like an aunt, uncle or
cousin.

Also, get some books for your kids that discuss sex
from an Islamic perspective." Miracle of Life" or
Ahmad Sakr's "The Adolescent Life" are some
examples.

However, getting someone else to talk to them or

giving them a book is not the end of the story. As a
parent, you have to be ready and open to at least
hear your son or your daughter's concerns or
questions about sex, so you can direct them to the
right person or information if you are uncomfortable
answering yourself.