GUUi

Issue 15 November 2010

columns | sport | music | film | current affairs

contents
Editorial
3 The Board - Rory Smith says a few words.
4 What’s On - Glasgow and the GUU this month. Hello once again. I’m afraid to be
the bearer of bad news, but this
5 Politics - Censorship in the UK. will be the last issue of the GUUi
this year! The next issue will be
7 Column - Orla McGowan on humour. our January issue to welcome you
back after a well-deserved break.
8 Column - Gregor Muir on Harry Potter.
9 Feature - Harry Potter: the great debate. To make up for only having one
issue to last you until January,
11 Comment - D*** F***** though, we’ve packed this one full
of fun and frivolity. It’s a special
12 Poetry - To The Grand Old Union. Harry Potter themed issue, with
13 Film - Social Network and Despicable Me. several pages covering the se-
ries of books and films, and some
14 Music - This year’s Top 10. added extra bits thrown in where
they are, quite frankly, totally irrel-
15 Current Affairs - The Criminal Vote. evant. Regardless of whether you
love or hate Potter, there’s some-
17 Sports Page - GUSA Report and Results. thing in this issue for you.

We also have a special Music sec-

tion this month, with our very own
in-house music critics rounding up
Convenor of Libraries If you’d like to contribute to the the very best of this year’s albums.
Editor in Chief GUUi in any way; editorially,
Ross Cook If you’re struggling for Christmas
writing or photography e-mail:
presents then look no further.
libraries@guu.co.uk
Sub Editor
Gregor Muir The opinions expressed in this Finally, this is the last GUUi before
Contributing publication do not represent D*** F*****, (or Daft Friday, but
Writers those of the Glasgow University shh, it’s supposed to be a secret).
Current Affairs - Joe Fitzgibbon Union. Tickets are going fast for the best
Music - Cameron Greig black tie ball in the world, make
Columnist - Orla McGowan Special Thanks to Chris Lock for
Columnist - Gregor Muir use of his front cover artwork. To sure you don’t miss out. So get
Politics - Anya O Connor see more, visit: down to the GUU and grab your-
Michael Gray chrislocksart.deviantart.com self a place - you won’t regret it!
Hollie Jones
Nicola Artmstrong Ross Cook
Cover - Chris Lock
Convenor of Libraries
The Board
Hello, and welcome to the latest issue of the Glasgow University’s finest student publication!

As we approach the glorious celebration of Christmas, when a cold mist descends on University Avenue; the castel-
lated turrets,wood-lined rooms and inviting fireplaces of the GUU emanate an even more magical aura than during
the rest of the year. It is fitting, then, that this issue of the GUUi is themed on that most enchanting series of books,
Harry Potter. Some say that on a visit here in the early ‘90s, J.K Rowling enjoyed a tipple of Christmas sherry in the
Beer Bar, and the fine establishment that we all love so much became the basis for the delightful Three Broomsticks
pub, and that the ever-welcoming and caring Madame Rosmerta is modelled like for like on our very own Linda the
Barmaid. (This may or may not be true…)

Like Hogwarts, our Grand Old Union, has its fair share of ghosts. Whether it be Sir Christopher de Mimsy Porp-
ington a.k.a. Always-legless Chris; or that most mischievous and playful Poltergiest – The Games Convener, David
‘Peeves’ Birrell. The comparisons are endless, right down to the fact that the last ever duel in Britain took part within
the Union’s very walls – in the absence of wands the participants used real swords and blood was drawn, over the
election for Rector in 1899.

However, the students of Glasgow University don’t need broomsticks, pumpkin juice and moving staircases (al-
though sometimes on a Thursday night the floor does seem to spin beneath my feet… ) to have a magical time.
Here at the GUU we offer the very best in student entertainment, right here on campus. The pinnacle, and ultimate
incarnation of this, is undoubtedly our 12-hour, black-tie, end of term ball… D*** F***** (there is an International
Statute of Secrecy surrounding the vocalisation or writing down of the actual name, suffice it to say it’s rather Daft,
and happens on a day of the week starting in F).

As you may have heard the Weird Sisters are no longer touring so in their stead we have, wait for it, Bombay Bicycle
Club! Also in the line-up is a Klaxons DJ set in the Hive. As if that wasn’t enough there is a swing band, a ceilidh, a
string quartet, a choir, and even more DJs! D*** F***** is on the 17th of December, after all exams have finished, so
you really have no excuse to miss it. Don’t do what Harry and Ron did when trying to find a date to the Yule Ball and
leave it the last minute, make sure you get down to the GUU and get your ticket today – they seem to be apparating
into thin air people are buying them so fast!

Magically, yours,

Rory Smith
Asst. Honorary Secretary
Glasgow University Union

-3- www. .co.uk

 This month
What’s On

in Glasgow
A
lthough the end of the semester is fast approaching, fear not; Glasgow has plenty to keep you suitably entertained/
drunk. Starting with the city’s very own Whisky Festival. Yes, you heard correctly. On November 13th the Arches
will be displaying over 40 stands at which you can sample Scotland’s finest drams as well a selection of whisky from
around the world. In addition to this you can purchase whisky-related literature and art, not to mention the bottles that you
got lairy on throughout the day. Get your tickets at www.glasgowswhiskyfestival.com.

Also on this month is the St Andrew’s Festival Ceilidh at St Andrew’s in the Square. From 8pm on the 26th, perfect your Gay
Gordon’s and enjoy traditional Highland debauchery including a live Ceilidh band to warm your kilts up for D*** F*****. Be-
ginning on November 18th and running until December 23rd is the Traditional Christmas Market in St Enoch Square. Daily
from 10am, enjoy an array of sweet treats, sparkling decorations and savvy gifts. On a similar note, Sloan’s Market in Argyll
Arcade opens from 11am on Saturdays and Sundays until December 19th, for all your Christmas shopping needs. Expect stalls
offering delicate crafty stuff and vintage one-offs. As if that wasn’t enough, the Irn-Bru Carnival (yes, WTF?) begins next
month at the SECC. Apparently for its 90th year. Dodgems and endless supplies of Irn Bru; for all your hangover needs.

Finally, if you can’t be bothered waiting for the real snow, check out SNO!zone at Xscape, the UK’s longest indoor slope at 200
metres. Whether skiing or boarding (or sledging or ice sliding for that matter), lessons are readily available. There’s a bar to
keep observers occupied, but pack your winter woollens as it’s a cool -4C.

This month
at the GUU
I
t’s that time of year again. Essays, presentations and projects are upon us. Their target? The student population. Their
aim? To suck the fun out of our lives, significantly increase our caffeine intake and banish us to the fluorescent lights of
library hell. But fear not, your favourite student union is still offering you plenty of excuses to have some R’n’R. Monday’s
Beer Bar Quiz, starting at 8pm gives you an outlet for all the information filling your head that isn’t going into an essay. Tues-
day’s Debates Speaker Training will let you put your brains to use in a more exciting way than scouring textbooks will.

Wednesday’s Snooker Competition and Poker Tournament will let you blow off some steam and Thursday’s Hive will give
you an early start on the weekend. On Fridays come have a go at the GUU Pool Competition then sing your troubles away at
Open Mic in Deep 6. And with Saturday night Hive and Wheel of Fortune there’s plenty of opportunities to balance out all
your hard work with hard play at the weekends.

On top of all this we’re bringing you another raucous night of comedy with Roisin Conaty on November the 24th. And then,
there’s a light at the end of the tunnel: D*** F*****. For one night only the Union will be transformed into a magical wonder-
land full of fun, games and music to help you celebrate the end of term. Bombay Bicycle Club have been confirmed as this
year’s main live act, while The Klaxons are lined up to do an unmissable DJ set. And there are still plenty more surprises to be
announced. Tickets are on sale all day until 6pm in the GUU shop. Don’t miss out on the finest student experience Glasgow
has to offer!

GUUi -4-
 Politics
Censorship in the UK
E
xtremist websites sky-rocketing; US death threat
videos; Attempted murder of MP Stephen Timms.
These are just some of the headlines that appeared
in the British press this month before YouTube announced
their removal of extremist web videos. The deletion of all
clips featuring ‘terror cleric’ Anwar al-Awlaki, was a re-
sponse to complaints from the US and UK governments
that Alwaki’s presence on the site incited ‘cold-blooded’
murder and was contrary to the public good. Predictably,
YouTube were berated with questions about their policies
on free speech but what went untold were the underlying
implications such acts of censorship have for the British
public at large.
“But what happens to us when all
we are receiving is a low level of
event-based information? Times,
dates, actions taken. Such as, An-
war al-Awlaki is a ‘specially des-
ignated global terrorist’, linked to
last Christmas’s airline bomb at-
tempt and potentially responsible
for inspiring a 21 year old student
to stab MP Stephen Timms. Can
we then make our minds up about
the best course of action for the
government to take?”
Since the monumental tragedy of September 11th, the
American public have been fed stories of recovery, heroism
and western dominance. The media, like the US Govern-
ment, were on a mission of restoration and the public ac-
cepted this somewhat soothing response, but, it came at the
cost of their own understanding of global affairs. In Britain,
however, business is functioning as normal. The public can
rely on the BBC to supply the same-old emotionally de-
tached news reels and rest assured that we will never be
-5-
as unashamedly patriotic as the Americans. Even in the
aftermath of the 7/7 bombings, the deadliest act of terror-
ism in the country since the bombing of Pan Am flight 103,
no sustained pro-British/anti-Eastern sentiment could be
traced in the UK press and the British public appeared to
be less traumatized, if not less shocked by the attacks than
the Americans. It’s typical of the British. We want the facts
straight up and then we want to make up our own mind
regarding the implications (Fox News simply wouldn’t sur-
vive in the UK as anything less than an ongoing excuse to
snort triumphantly at ignorance).
But what happens to us when all we are receiving is a low
level of event-based information? Times, dates, actions
taken. Such as, Anwar al-Awlaki is a ‘specially designated
global terrorist’, linked to last Christmas’s airline bomb at-
tempt and potentially responsible for inspiring a 21 year old
student to stab MP Stephen Timms. Can we then make our
minds up about the best course of action for the government
to take? What do the public really know about the history of
al-Qaeda and their motivations in unleashing violent attacks
in the West? What do they want and at what cost will they
stop? The videos of radical Islamist Awlaki undoubtedly
did violate a YouTube ban on hate speech and could clearly
be seen as an incitement to violence (the success of this I am
more sceptical of as the impact of such speech is notoriously
hard to monitor). But, unfortunately, those clips were some
of the only footage the general public has access to of what
the Sunday Times describes as a ‘tactically sophisticated en-
emy which is constantly probing our defences’.
So, while the media continues to print sensationalist head-
lines about Awlaki, naming him ‘the new Osama Bin Lad-
en’, there is simultaneously a clamp down on any access to
his speech. This may seem a logical move to many- Awlaki’s
message is not only racist to the extreme, he also encourages
his viewers to kill all Americans. The government felt that
www. .co.uk

Anya O Connor investigates how far the
Government are willing to go to hide
information about terrorism
this was likely to radicalize the public. It is a possibility I do
not deny. However, until this month, YouTube was hosting
over 4000 clips of Awlaki which had gained around 3.5 mil-
lion hits.
MP Stephen Timms stabbed earlier this year
In the UK, the only act of violence which has been linked
to clips of Awlaki is the attempted murder of MP Stephen
Timms by Roshana Choudry (21). Choudry claimed she was
getting revenge ‘for the people of Iraq’. Horrific as this at-
tack was, I do not think it can be taken as evidence that clips
of extremist preaching will convert the public to holy Jihad.
Moreover, starving terrorists of what Thatcher termed ‘the
oxygen of publicity’ does not make them go away. It simply
leaves the public stripped of any adequate background of
understanding as to what threat it is they face (and, more
importantly, why we face a threat at all).
According to Interpol estimates, there are over 5000 extrem-
ist websites in operation. If Awlaki wants to get his message
out to followers there are other pathways open to him. But
if the public want to investigate further where do they turn?
GUUi
Politics
It seems there is an information deficit in the British media
about the history of terrorism (it is not a new phenomenon)
and what it is the army are doing in the Middle East. There
is no eureka to the problem of global terrorism. It is an ongo-
ing battle and there are two-sides to every encounter. What
about the terrorism the West inflicts on the East on a daily
basis in Iraq- the abuse, rape and murder of prisoners; the
shooting of men trying to surrender; the civilians killed at
checkpoints. These issues need to be discussed in the public
domain too.
“According to Interpol estimates,
there are over 5000 extremist web-
sites in operation. If Awlaki wants
to get his message out to follow-
ers there are other pathways open
to him. But if the public want to
investigate further where do they
turn?”
The government’s desire to eradicate the presence of ter-
rorism from the public, though paternalistic, is understand-
able. Racial hatred should be eradicated and YouTube were
acting in accordance with their own policies when they re-
moved the videos of Awlaki from the site (I hope they go
on to remove videos of the Ku Klux Klan, white supremacy
and Britain’s own BNP). However, when access to authentic
footage like this is removed from the public’s grasp, it is
time for the media to step up and fill in the gaps so there is
no continuation of misunderstanding.
As an audience we need the complicated details and a real
discussion of the issues at hand so that those ideologies
which we hold as so alien to our own can at least be grap-
pled with. Without such interaction, the British are likely to
become exponents of the very hatred they now denounce.
- Anya O Connor
-6-
 Column

Orla McGowan on...

Humour

A
h, Primary School. That long forgotten age when was swiftly followed by a good ten minutes of hilarious dis-
pushing someone over in the playground defi- cussion where we tried to explain to said flatmate that the
nitely meant that they had a crush on you and names Frasier and Fraser were in fact the same name… Al-
there would definitely be some K-I-S-S-I-N-G behind the though granted now that I have written this down it doesn’t
kitchen wheelie-bins after school, when in retrospect prob- perhaps ring out the hilarity of the situation, I guess you
ably should have been seen as a early sign of sexual aggres- just had to be there. I always find that a good bout of rac-
sion towards women. But I don’t want to talk about the ear- ism doesn’t go awry. One of my fondest memories of this
ly developments of ‘rapey’ tendencies, as I’m sure if some year is crying with little tears of fun after a flatmate made
young stud shoved you over in Viper, oh so seductively, an offhand remark about jerk chicken in reference to one of
you would probably try and bottle him rather than give him the X Factor contestants. As we cackled like two decrepit,
a hand-job round the back of Barbeque Kings. Not that that hungover lunatics the rest of the room looked on in severe
has happened to anyone I know... I want to hark back to confusion which only added to the hilarity of the situation.
simpler times when watching someone being kicked in the
groin was enough to have you laughing your balls off. What could be construed as bullying in the eyes of others,
in my flat provides many hours of merriment. Whether it’s
Speaking from experience - I saw someone being kicked in slagging off one person for having sex with sea-breem, or
the groin, in a very violent manner, in the last week - I had another for her frequent bouts of sti- tious, for lock-
to admit it wasn’t that funny. Granted, seeing the wee lamb ing one in the kitchen broom clos- ets with
lying on the ground bright red for a good fifteen minutes, a large shot of mystery punch as her
while we all stood around offering constructive criticism initiation into the flat or making light of
was more sad than anything else. To be honest, I was more copious amounts of near pregnan- c y
concerned about the state of my carpet lest he should throw scares. Well, not so much
up from the pain that I have been lectured so much about scares for us, as our reaction
- because, after all, we women know nothing of severe pain is to call her a silly bitch and
to the genital region. The only thing delightfully funny talk about how fun it would
that ensued from this situation was the bartering between be to have a baby for a day.
the kicker and the kickee over the terms of retribution that As much as I enjoy vid-
was to be paid for such a heinous crime. The kicker in true eos of goats calling for their
lawyer fashion whittled it down from two mild kicks in the mum or goats licking
balls to one punch in each arm and knee cap, a fair result electric fences or
for all I’d say. Although I would much rather have seen any other forms
my suggested punishment of the kicker having his left ear of animal cruelty,
pierced then and there. it’s cruelty to flat-
mates where the
As I have gotten older and more cynical, I find that a good real side pinchers
ripping of someone you know proves most amusing. Last are.
night, for instance, while discussing the brilliance of the - Orla McGowan
TV show Frasier with a flatmate, another flatmate chimed
in with ‘I love Miles’, the very stupidity of this statement

-7- www. .co.uk


The misadventures of
H
arry Potter: one of the biggest book series’ of all time.
In terms of copies sold worldwide, second only to
the Bible. Translated into multiple languages. An au-
thor who now has more money than she could possibly know
what to do with. The final instalment alone sold more than 15
million copies during the first 24 hours following release. Basi-
cally, quite a popular little collection.
The thing is, for all their popularity, this is one particular
bandwagon I never quite jumped on. Or to be accurate, I
jumped on it, then jumped off again. I never finished read-
ing them.
I lost interest approximately half way through the
Order of the Phoenix (or Book 5 to fellow Harry
Potter non-enthusiasts). In fairness that’s still a fair
way through a series with 7 books, but I was young
and naive and didn’t realise the wealth of other books
out there.
The issue was that I was no longer at an age where I
thought the books were actually that good. Bear in
mind that the Philosopher’s Stone came out in the UK
in June of 1997, when I was the tender age of 7, and
the Deathly Hallows (the conclusion to our long and
winding tale) was released in July 2007, just over 10
years later. That’s a long time to maintain enthusiasm
about a small boy.
I simply no longer cared about the outcome sufficiently
to devote time to reading those final 2 and a bit books.
I’d also had to sit through Daniel Radcliffe’s interpreta-
tion of the central character by that point too, and every
time I read the name I knew I’d picture his irritating
little face and his horrible acting*. Even just looking at
Harry Potter in the terms of the books, he’s a touch 1-
dimensional. He doesn’t really develop as a character,
from whiney child to slightly taller, but still whiney,
young adult. Perhaps Radcliffe didn’t do such a bad job after
all...
GUUi
Column
Mr. Gregor Muir
One of the positives that has emerged from the series is
the licence to interpret the story. One example that I find
particularly intriguing is the theory that the entire thing
is all actually about homosexuality. Lest we forget Harry
literally begins the series living in the closet. Recall too
the furore when J.K. Rowling suggested she had always
imagined Dumbledore as gay?
The whole concept of always feeling different from
people, then finding out the truth about yourself;
these are key elements, particularly of the first
book. So is handling a lot of wands... It’s an inter-
esting proposition.
Whether it’s true or not is irrelevant really (in
fairness, I suspect it isn’t), however it does
go to show to what extent Harry Potter has
come into the general social conscience
when people are coming up with these sorts
of things.
My personal favourite thing associated with
HP and co. has got to be the absolutely fan-
tastic policy of reading through the books and
replacing the word “wand” with “wang”. It
suddenly becomes one of the most hilarious
things you’ll ever see. Some highlights:
“A magic wang... this was what Harry had been
really looking forward to.”
“Something silver-white, something enormous,
erupted from the end of his wang.”
Quite majestic if you ask me. In fact, I’m off to read
the series from the start, but have a lot more fun
this time round.
*(No offence intended to either Mr Radcliffe or his
legal representatives) - Gregor Muir
-8-
 Feature
A
s Gregor and Cameron settled down on the landing
between the Billiard Hall and the Debates Gallery
in order to start writing this feature on Harry Potter,
it soon became clear that they harbour quite distinct views.
With a soft spot for the written word, Cameron believes that
J. K. Rowling has done the unthinkable in turning a genera-
tion which seemed for a long time to be disenchanted by fic-
tion and favouring the quick fix of TV, games and films back
towards the simple and unique catharsis of reading. Gregor,
on the other hand, is significantly less enchanted believing
that the books are not the be all and end all of modern litera-
ture and have been undeservedly placed on a pedestal.
C: What’s your beef?
G: Some might say that the books portray a classic tale of
good versus evil. In my correct opinion, it is in fact a hack-
neyed lazy rehashing of a tiresome and overused cliché.
C: That seems a tad harsh. Can you not see any merit in argu-
ments that Harry Potter is simply the next in a line of out-
standing literature manifesting the themes of good versus
evil? A topical example might be the Lord of the Rings which
has also been made into a successful film series.
G: I concede that in some ways Harry Potter does display
similar traits as such classics as Lord of the Rings. However, I
would have less of a problem with the simplicity of the plot if
everyone just admitted that Harry Potter is for kids (7-16).
C: I would argue that Harry Potter is not just for children.
While the fantasy world easily captivates the minds of chil-
dren, Harry Potter is not a simple fairytale. There are many
themes running through the series which are of topical rel-
evance such as racism, adoption and the struggle for power.
At times, the series can be very dark and sinister and does not
simply cater for a young audience.
G: Nonsense! I read the books when I was younger. I never
finished the series because I grew out of it, like a mangy old
jumper. A mangy old jumper with characters I no longer em-
pathised with. So I cast it aside and read far better things. Can
you honestly tell me that you found yourself wanting Harry
Potter, the whining, snivelling little oik, to actually succeed?
-9-
C: Whether or not I wanted Harry Potter himself to succeed
in his endeavours, I did find myself emphasising with the
characters and the world created within the books. What
kind of shit are you reading now which is so much better
than Harry Potter? I put it to you that perhaps you just don’t
like Harry Potter because of its popularity and being a dis-
tinguished (yet noticeably unpublished) wordsmith yourself,
you are overcome with rage at your own shortcomings.
G: You appear to be implying that I’m some sort of literature
based hipster, who only reads books no one else has read.
For the record this is only partially true (Cormac McCarthy,
Steven Erikson and Dan Simmons anyone?). My jealousy at
the incredible success of the books (let’s face it, at 16 quid a
pop and 44 million sales of the last book in the first 24 hours
of sale alone, who isn’t?) is not really relevant in analysing
it. You, sir, are straying from the topic intentionally, to hide
the series’ shortcomings. There are many to choose from,
not just the one-dimensional and uninteresting charac-
ters, as already mentioned, but also the fatigued plot,
the ineffectual transition to celluloid, the depressing
and exploitative mass marketing of themed prod-
ucts, and the even more depressing sight of adult
human beings actually queueing up at mid-
night to get the latest copy. Speak- ing of which,
you were one of those supposed adults yourself
once were you not?
www. .co.uk

and the Philosopher’s Duel
C: That is neither here nor there. While the commercialism
surrounding the books may be irritating, it is somewhat of an
unavoidable evil. Anything which is popular will be exploit-
ed. The films are okay, and getting better with each release
but our concern in this debate is with the books themselves.
Even if you personally no longer enjoy the books, surely
you cannot deny the remarkable nature of their success. The
books are enjoyed by different generations and arrived at a
time when the written word was very much seen as a lesser
form of entertainment, having been surpassed by television,
games etcetera. Surely this is cause for celebration: that books
have not been forced into a niche and can have genuine pop-
ular appeal even in this modern age?
G: It is both here and there. You massive, and dare I say it, un-
popular, loser. The triumph of the printed word, as you seem
to be championing, is all well and good. Or it would be if the
films and merchandise hadn’t grossed more worldwide than
the books themselves. I am all for books, don’t get me wrong.
I am ALL about the books. However, there are infinitely better
ones out there. Ones which don’t have weird plot holes like
that bit in Prisoner of Azkaban with that time-turner thing.
What was that about? You can have a whole day rewound
and affect things, as long as you didn’t see yourself? This
immensely powerful and admittedly badass magic was
used for what? Saving some animal and a bloke who
dies a couple books later anyway.
GUUi
Feature
Excellent work. Why did this device never show up again,
say, when all the world is going to hell? I’ve no doubt that
some fanboy has an official retort for this, and it’s probably
referenced in the books, but it’s a flagrant case of deus ex
machina to wrap up that particular story, and it’s ridiculous.
If I wrote it, you’d call me a fool.
“The books are enjoyed by differ-
ent generations and arrived at a
time when the written word was
very much seen as a lesser form of
entertainment, having been sur-
passed by television, games et-
cetera. Surely this is cause for cel-
ebration: that books have not been
forced into a niche and can have
genuine popular appeal even in
this modern age?”
C: With regard to your first point, fuck you. At least I have
been published. With regard to your second point, no smoke
without fire: the commercialism wouldn’t exist without the
books. Finally, I imagine that there are rules and regulations
about that sort of shit in the wizarding community.
G: How have I been so blind?
Harry Potter is without doubt one of the largest fran-
chises in the world. The conclusion to the film series (or
at least its first part) is due for general release in the
UK on the 19th of November, with the second part
to follow in 2011. Most likely the majority of you
reading will see both at some time or another;
hell, even a fair proportion of non-fans (like Gre-
gor) will probably see it eventually. It’s just that
big a deal. Any book series that can spawn a
theme park (I’m looking at you Florida, you
profiteering swine) has got to be pretty im-
pressive.
However, it must be said that without Har-
ry Potter, we probably wouldn’t have got
the Twilight saga. Damn you, Rowling.
- Cameron Greig & Gregor Muir
- 10 -
 Comment

D*** F*****
A history of the event

M
ost Universities have some form of student ball
to celebrate the festive season and the end of
the first semester. Year on year they dress up
their standard 1960s architectural monstrosity with the im-
aginative “Christmas Theme”. Tinsel and fairy lights act as
eye sores, while Mariah Carey offends the ears and post-
ers everywhere claim that it is the highlight of the student
calendar. Some take it a step further and have a dress up
theme (cue deplorable Mr & Mrs Claus outfits, etc), and
then a few provide a bit of pomp and circumstance to the
festivities with a smart/casual dress code. But there is
nothing, and I mean nothing, even close to the league that
D*** F***** is in.
Glasgow University Union is undeniably unique. There
are very few Student Unions that can attempt to imitate the
history and traditions that our grand old Union has. By
now, many of us will have experienced D*** F***** either
in person or by ear and it will be obvious what this an-
nual event means to the students of Glasgow University;
and rightly so. Each year the Union is ceremoniously shut
down as the President is banished from the Union in the
week leading up to this event, allowing for it to be trans-
formed into its secret theme, know only to the D*** F*****
Committee. Each year’s theme reflects the interests of the
incumbent President, and is a tribute to his hard work over
the course of the year. On the last Friday of each term the
Union emerges, painted, polished and welcoming of the
thousands of guests to come through its doors.
“Hard working men on their way to their lectures and exhausted
men coming back from their lectures stopped at the open door,
drifted in and began to sing too. After about half an hour the com-
mittee room was so full that they had to remove the piano into the
debating hall.”
The festivities continued all night until 8am, and thus D***
F***** was born.
Nowadays, the Union provides much more than just a piano.
The history and grandeur of the night are enduring along-
side the outstanding live music act in the debates chamber,
some of the worlds hottest DJ’s playing in the Hive, poker
in the snooker hall, a ceilidh and band and every one of the
Union’s bars being open.
Right now it may seem that a ticket to this prestigious event
is a stretch too far at the end of a busy semester, but this re-
ally is an event not to be missed. D*** F***** really is at the
top of the Christmas tree when it comes to Christmas Balls!
- Joe Fitzgibbon

The first ever D*** F***** took place in 1909. It began at the
impromptu request of the esteemed Union member James
Bridie, that the President of the Union provide him with
entertainment on the last Friday before Christmas. A piano
was set up in the committee room, as Bridie’s autobiogra- Bombay Bicycle Club will be headlining this year’s event
phy explains: alongside The Klaxons who will be performing a DJ set.

- 11 - www. .co.uk
 Poetry

To The Grand Old Union

A poetic tribute to this finest of institutions

There is a place on Gilmorehill, Now figures fluttered forward,

A tall, great building of esteem, Inspired by the cider and the beer,
Carved in stone of Glasgow, Their thoughts before were cluttered,
A Union most supreme. Now all mankind’s truth was clear.

Founded in Scottish speech and sport, With men as Menzies and Dewar,
Its accolades are wide, And of Kennedy and Smith,
The stories of its members’ ways, No star chamber can be brighter,
Are of fulfilment and of pride. There are no comparisons herewith.

From such old ways in distant days, For there is no other Union,
The present was born bright, Worthy of the dear green place,
From smoke filled rooms of history, As Cali have no building,
The world was made right. And Strath-tech have no grace.

For before in sad sorry hollow shame, It is to the Grand, Old Union,
The campus was tiresome work, Of which we raise a glass,
Without sanctum shelter of social good, Our companion and our beacon,
For skiving students to all shirk. Our future and our past.

Henceforth there was hope and life, A toast to the Grand, Old Union,
In hearts of this ancient city, Drink to another 1-2-5,
In Library, Debate and Bar, Strong and everlasting,
Student lives’ by Union were made pretty! The Glasgow Union will survive.

GUUi - 12 -
 Film

What to see...
The Social Network

D
avid Fincher’s “The Social Network”, or “That Facebook Movie I Kept Seeing Trail-
ers For” has launched itself into contention for Best Film of 2010. Coming from
the director of classics such as Fight Club and Se7en, it was always likely to be
extremely well-made, and it certainly delivers in term of production values and sheer cin-
ematography. However, what impressed me most was the sharp writing and the excellent
performances from the main cast. Jesse Eisenberg in particular draws praise for his depection
of Mark Zuckerburg, co-founder of Facebook and youthful billionaire, delivering a compel-
ling performance, especially considering the character would probably not be best described
as “likeable”. He conveys the Harvard student’s obvious interest in social status, whilst main-
taining his inability to function normally with other humans.

The writing is very sharp, especially in terms of its humour. It is, in parts, extremely funny. The dialogue, especially for Zuck-
erberg and Casey Parker (Justin Timberlake), is meticulously crafted and flows wonderfully. In technical terms the movie is a
glowing success too. I genuinely did not realise until some time afterwards that Tyler and Cameron Winklevoss (the claimed
creators of Facebook/Olympic rowers) were not in actuality played by twins. It was the same man, Armie Hammer, playing
both with the help of CGI.

The important thing to take away from this review is that this is not just a film about the creation of Facebook. It’s about hu-
man interaction of the non-digitized variety. And it is excellent. - Gregor Muir

Despicable Me

A
fter seeing the film three times and spending the best part of half an hour sitting on
the sofa with my flatmate reciting quotes to each other and laughing hysterically, I
think it is a fair assessment to say that I thought it was a fantastic film.

I saw it for the first two times this summer in America, and I was smug to say the least that
the rest of the chumps in the UK would not get to experience this richness of comedy until
October. Despite being an American made film, with a largely American cast, I found that it
was not as well received my American audiences as British ones. After raving about nearing
wetting myself to my American work colleagues for a good week and a half we finally made
the trek to see it (my second viewing), and whilst I found it has hilarious as the first time their
reaction was tepid to say the least, and I lost all street cred’.

But that is neither here nor there, times are hard in the super-villain world, and Gru (bit of a Lad to say the least) finds it
tough to get funding from the banks (there’s a nice wisecrack about Lehman Brothers) for his various megalomaniac wheezes,
including an attempt to steal the moon. And there’s a thrusting new super-villain in town called Vector, who is flavour of the
month with the venture-capital community. Throw in a few tic-tac like yellow minions and unicorns- what’s not to like. Whilst
I could have done without the 3D, which I find largely irritating, I would locate this film up there with the best of animation
in the last ten years, largely because ‘It’s so fluffy I could die’. - Orla McGowan

- 13 - www. .co.uk
 Music

What to listen to... This year’s Top 10

T
his year has seen no shortage of critically acclaimed albums but although I have enjoyed the harvest of much of this
year’s crop, there hasn’t really been any particular album which has stood out for me. This is not a negative thing.
There have been many solid albums which have warranted repeated spins but very few of them have actually taken
root. There have however been some exceptional EP releases from the likes of James Blake, Team Ghost and Forest Swords
which have kept me from worrying about this subjective anomaly. Crangus, on the other hand, has spent most of the year
raving about various albums so I subjected the top spots of our list to his enthusiastic discretion. This list is here because this
is the last issue of the year. Bit early for an end of year list? Who releases albums in December anyway!? Idiots.

10 Chilly Gonzales - Ivory Tower

Quirky electro soft-pop by an oddball solo pianist genius produced by Boys Noize.

9 JJ - JJ No. 3
Another short and sweet record of drugged up, blissful and damaged balearic dream-pop from a couple of rather
elusive Swedish nationals.

8 Horse Feathers - Thistled Spring

A nostalgic acoustic folk record propelled along with flowing strings high in the mix. You can practically feel the
warmth of spring from the speakers.

7 Pantha Du Prince - Black Noise

A twinkling and accessible minimal techno record to get lost in. The highlight might be the surprising inclusion of
Animal Collective’s unique vocalist Panda Bear in ‘Stick To My Side’.

6 Gil Scott-Heron - I’m New Here

The soul/blues/jazz legend comes back offering a moving record of spoken word, dark electronics, wisdom, defi-
ance and the blues.

5 Yeasayer - Odd Blood

Odd is an appropriate word for Yeasayer, but it hasn’t stopped them being Brooklyn’s finest of the last twelve
months. Odd Blood is an absolute joy from start to finish and showed a much more mature Yeasayer.

4 The Walkmen - Lisbon

The Walkmen seemed destined to be perpetually in the shadow of contemporaries The Strokes. Yet over the last
decade they have been one of the most consistent acts around, and Lisbon is a record to behold.

3 Big Boi - Sir Lucious Left Foot

50% of Outkast makes a 100% masterpiece of a hip hop record. ‘Shutterbug’ gave us a sign of things to come but
nothing could have prepared the listening public for what followed: this star studded record.

2 Arcade Fire - The Suburbs

The Suburbs starts off with the folky and reflective title track but becomes a whirlwind of audio adventure - espe-
cially on ‘Sprawl II (Mountains beyond Mountains)’, a real jaw dropping moment.

1 Beach House - Teen dream

Try picking a weak link in this album. You just can’t - it’s a truly flawless and beautiful record, with gorgeous har-
monies and euphoric guitars. If you haven’t come across it, get it. - Cameron Greig & Craig Angus

GUUi - 14 -
Current Affairs

The Criminal Vote?

... No thanks.

L
ast week’s latest example of judicial imperialism mons that he felt “physically ill” at the prospect of having
saw the European Court of Human Rights declare to allow prisoners the right to vote, a feeling likely to be
that all prisoners should have the right to vote. For mirrored throughout the UK. This ruling by the ECHR will
years now prisoners have sought the right to vote, and the leave many feeling that they no longer have power to decide
Government has been under pressure since 2004 to allow on such substantive issues within our country. National
them to do so. Labour resisted having to make a decision forums of debate are being made redundant as European
on this issue for years as they continued to put it through powers continue to dictate domestic laws.
consultation channels. Now the Government faces the
prospect of changing the law, or having to pay out substan- Voting is no longer a privilege, but a right, a right that can-
tial compensation. not be removed along with the deprivation of a person’s
liberty. This will provide the Government with the difficult
“This will entitle prisoners to the task of tapering this judgement, allowing a tiered system to
right not only to vote but to com- be implemented, offering the vote to those not convicted of
pensation, estimated to be around the most serious crimes. The Government have fought tire-
£750 each at a potential cost to the lessly for years to avoid having to make this amendment,
taxpayer of around £50 million.” but last week’s ruling made clear that there was no loophole
for the Government’s lawyers to exploit. The Government
On the 6th May 2010 the United Kingdom’s 70,000 prison- will now have to act fast in order to avoid continual waves
ers were once again denied their right to vote in the General
Election, thus opening the doors of litigation to thousands
of prisoners throughout the UK, claiming their right to
vote had been breached. Last week The European Court of
Human Rights (ECHR), ordered that the UK Government
amend its 140 year old legislation that bans the criminally
convicted from voting in UK elections. This will entitle
prisoners to the right not only to vote but to compensation,
estimated to be around £750 each at a potential cost to the
taxpayer of around £50 million.

Among some of the first prisoners to take this issue to court

are the murdering rapists of our country, whinging about
their civic death on falling foul of the penal system. Many
of us, who continue to live by the letter of the law, do not
want convicted criminals influencing, alongside us, the out-
come of our elections. Unfortunately, as is so often the case
with the law, it fails to mimic either common sense or public
opinion. David Cameron last week told the House of Com-
What next? Votes for Azkaban?
of costly litigation. The question now is whether this judi-
cial imperialism signals a welcome change in the practices
of our liberal democracy, or if, in fact, it marks the decay of
some of our most valued social principles by a faceless Eu-
ropean entity. - Joe Fitzgibbon

- 15 - www. .co.uk
 Sport

GLASGOW SPORTS
UNIVERSITY ASSOCIATION

GUSA Report Results

The GUSA Council comprises many roles, one of the most active and
Basketball
rewarding of which is that of the Fundraising and Outreach team.
Mens 1sts 74-52 Aberdeen
Charged with large and small scale charity projects, they organise
events throughout the year all in aid of charity. And now, GUSA is
Fencing
pleased to announce that the first of these events is fast approaching.
SUS Competition 2nd Place
Mens and Womens.
Milan? Paris? Tokyo? New York? None of these will have anything on
the GUU Debates Chamber come the 27th November, as for one night
Hockey
only it will be transformed into THE fashion capital of the world as we
Mens 1sts 4-3 Aberdeen
welcome you to the GUSA Fashion Show 2010.
Mens 2nds 5-2 Caledonian
Girls 2nds 4-0 Abertay
With representatives from GUSA, GUU, QMU and the SRC, modeling
Girls 3rds 4-1 RGU
everything from formal wear to swim wear, it is set to be a cracking
night all in aid of a great cause. Not only will you feel like a VIP, but we
Lacrosse
will also be bringing you top entertainment all night, featuring:
Mens 4-5 Stirling
-A Bacardi bar, with cocktails and incredible bar flairing
Girls 13-3 Stirling
-A massive raffle, with amazing prizes
-A truly unmissable cheerleader routine
Rugby
-DJ Blair Stuart, winner of the 2010 Bacardi DJ Competition
Girls 7-55 Melrose
-With more to be announced

Ski & Snowboard

This night of student style will begin fashionably late at 7.00pm on
Scottish University
Saturday 27th November, and is available to all for the not so exclusive
Dryslope Champions
price of £4. This will also give you free entry to the HIVE nightclub,
where the after party will continue into the small hours and you can
Squash
mingle with Glasgow University’s fittest fashion fanatics. It’s going to
Scottish University
be a night of more fun than you could shake a stick/Kate Moss at, it’s
Championships Final
in vogue to go.
Glasgow 5-0 Herriot Watt

All entry fees and money raised on the night will go to the charity
Trampolining
“Right to Play”, which does brilliant work improving the lives of chil-
Team 2nd in SUS League
dren in some of the most disadvantaged parts of the world, through
the power of sport. For more information, visit www.righttoplay.com.

- 17 - www. .co.uk