Introduction to Fiqh (RKQS 2060)

Semester 2 Year 2010/2011 Section 1

Assignment Topic: Coupling in Islam

Written By
Nur Fadhilah Binte Wahid (1018486)

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Contents

Sectio Content Pag

n e

Cover Page 1

Content Page 2

1 Definition of Coupling and its Pervasiveness in 3

Current Times
1.1 4
Possible Causes of its Pervasiveness
1.2 4
Coupling and its Place in Islamic Shariah
2 5
General Stand of Islam Against Coupling
2.1 6
Further Evidence of Small Steps Leading to Bigger Issues
2.2 6
Emphasis on Grieve Prohibition of Nearing Zina
3 7
Coupling and Zina: A Comparison
3.1 7
Coupling: Zina of the Eyes (Sight)
3.2 10
Coupling: Zina of the Ears and Tongue (Listening and
3.3 Speech) 12

3.4 Coupling: Zina of the Hands (Touch) 13

3.5 Coupling: Zina of the Feet (Walking) 14

3.6 Coupling: Zina of the Heart and Mind (Yearnings and 15

Desires)
4 16
Coupling: Zina of the Private Parts
4.1 17
The Concept of Ikhtilat and Khalwat
5 18
Allowed Ikhtilat
6 19
The Fitrah of Mankind
6.1 19
The Islamic Alternative: Marriage
6.2 20
Seeking the Hand in Marriage
7 20
Engagement (Khitbah)
8 21
The Beauty Behind the Prohibition of Coupling
23

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 Conclusions: Aligning it all Back to Taqwa

Bibliography

1 Definition of ‘Coupling’ and its Pervasiveness in Current Times

In a survey conducted in 2005 amongst 727 students of 18-25 years of age in 4
higher-learning institutions, it was discovered that 50.6% of the sample believed that
there is nothing wrong in a male and female teenager having forms of physical contact,
be it just touching, hugging or kissing1. This number might not be a big deal if coming
from a secular nation void of adab2, but the survey was conducted in Malaysia, a state
that identifies itself as an Islamic nation, having 60% of Muslims as her citizens.

In another survey conducted in Indonesia in 1995, it was discovered that 85.2% of

the sample (54 adults between 20-25 years of age) were involved in pre-marital
relationships, with as many as 76% meeting their partners at home, 79.6% meeting
without the presence of a third person, 81.1% having experience of holding hands, 68.5%
involved in kissing and up to 35.2% having the experience of touching their partner’s
genital organ3.

Surveys as such bring to light the startling trend amongst teenagers in viewing
‘coupling’ – a local Malaysian slang in describing two persons, who are closely
associated romantically or sexually before marriage – as a norm, a rite of passage that
everyone experiences. Other terms that could be used to describe ‘coupling’ would be
‘dating’ or ‘being alone with a person of an opposite sex’. In an article by Prof. Madya
Dr. Harlina, she insinuated that the inherent liberalism and hedonism of the teenagers of
current times influences the idea that free-mixing between sexes is a given, thus enabling
the act of coupling to find its place in culture, and in the end, placing the idea of love and
1
Prof. Madya Dr. Harlina Halizah Hj. Siraj, Pergaulan Antara Jantina : Di Mana
Batasnya? : Solusi #27, p.14
2
Adab, as described by Syed Muhammad Naquib Al-Attas, is “recognition and
acknowledgement of the reality that knowledge and being are ordered hierarchically
according to their various grades and degrees of rank, and of one’s proper place in
relation to that reality and to one’s physical, intellectual and spiritual capacities and
potentials.”
3
Abu Al-Ghifari, Remaja & Cinta (Bandung: Mujahid Press, 2007), p.102

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submitting to one’s nafs on a high pedestal in their minds4.

1.1 Possible Causes of Its Pervasiveness

Who, or what, is to blame for this attitude and mindset that have been ingrained
deeply in the minds of the future builders of the nation? In a study conducted in
Malaysia, it has been proven that indicators of media orientation contribute negatively in
terms of eliciting new liberal attitudes towards sexuality 5 and this is again proven in
another study done in a purely secular state, America, which showed that young
teenagers view the entertainment media as their leading source of information with
regards to sexuality and sexual health6. Hence, it is thus concluded that the increased
depiction of sex as norm in the media has strong correlation with the survey results first
mentioned in this paper.

1.2 Coupling and its place in the Islamic Shariah

As mentioned earlier, the findings of the first two surveys came as a shock due to
its locale – Malaysia and Indonesia, both Islamic states. The reason behind the feelings of
outrage root from the fact that the ‘official’ religion of the countries – Islam – takes a
strong stand against the act of coupling, the ruling of which has been reiterated multiple
times in its Shariah. Shariah is defined by al-Qurtubi as the canon law of Islam, the
culmination of different commandments of Allah to mankind, and in this context, the
issue of coupling falls specifically under a component of Shariah – al-ahkam
al-‘amaliyyah (sanctions relating to the sayings and doings of the individuals and his
relation to others) which is also called fiqh7.

In this paper, we will look into all of the sources of Islamic Shariah in order to
substantiate the above claim that Islam strongly stands against the act of coupling,
4
Prof. Madya Dr. Harlina Halizah Hj. Siraj, p.15
5
Samsudin A. Rahim and Latiffah Pawanteh, Media Penetration and Cultural Identity
Among Young Adults in Malaysia (European Journal of Social Sciences – Volume 11,
Number 2, 2009) p.232
6
Victor C. Strasburger, Children, Adolescents, and the Media (Current Problems
Pediatric Adolescent Health Care, 2004), p.64)
7
Dr. Mohamad Akram Laldin, Introduction to Shari’ah & Islamic Jurisprudence
(Malaysia: Mashi Publication Sdn. Bhd, 2008), p.8

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namely8:

a. Al-Quran, the Holy Book of Islam

b. Hadith (Sunnah), the words and actions of Prophet Muhammad p.b.u.h.
c. Qias, analogical deductions
d. Ijmak, the consensus of opinions of learned scholars of Islam

2 The General Stand of Islam against Coupling

There are definitely numerous verses in the Qur’an warning of and forbidding
coupling, the most prominent one being from 17:32: “La taqrobu zina”, meaning “Do not
come near adultery.” The word “zina” signifies all sexual intercourse between a man and
a woman who are not married to each other, hence indicating both fornication and
adultery in the English sense of the terms9.

It is imperative here to note that Allah swt chose to use the phrase “do not come
near” instead of “do not commit”, thus making the prohibition even heavier10 on
mankind. To make the picture clearer, if we are to imagine a rectangular room with a
man on one end and a cake on another, and instruct him not to eat the cake, that
prohibition simply forbids him from eating the cake itself; it is thus permissible for him
to walk across the room, touch it and smell it. However, if the instruction given to him
were to not go near the cake, that would mean a single step, no matter how small, would
mean disobedience to the prohibition given. Thus is the similitude of the above-
mentioned scenario to Allah swt’s command: “Do not come near adultery”. As such,
coupling, with its given interaction between a man and woman, no matter how small,
obviously transgresses the prohibition given by Allah swt to mankind.

8
Haji Idris Ahmad S.H, Fiqh Syafii Jilid 1 (Kuala Lumpur: Pustaka Antara Sdn. Bhd,
2006), p.3
9
Muhammad Asad, The Message of the Qur’an (Gibraltar: Dar Al-Andalus, 1980),
p.423
10
Ibid, p.423

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2.1 Further evidence of ‘small steps’ leading to bigger issues

In 24:30, the Qur’an mentions: “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and to
be mindful of their chastity: this will be most conducive to their purity – [and,] verily,
God is aware of all that they do.” 11 The importance of this verse in the prohibition of
nearing zina will be elaborated later on, but for the moment, it is interesting to note here
of the usage of the term “yasna’uun” instead of “yaf’aluun” at the end of the verse. In the
English translation, both of these terms mean the same – ‘that they do’ – but in the Arabic
language, these terms are different. “Yaf’aluun” indicates an action that is done without
hesitation, in one swift movement, while “yasna’uun” indicates an action that is done
slowly, in stages, until the final result is achieved. This thus further supports the earlier
verse “la taqrobu zina”.

2.2 Emphasis on the Grieve Prohibition of Nearing Zina

11
Ibid, p.538

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 In the Qur’an, 24:1 states: “[This is] a surah which We have sent down and made
[that within it] obligatory and revealed therein verses of clear evidence that you might
remember.”, while the verse right next to it explains the punishment that should be meted
out to men and women who commit zina, before any other issues that come after it. For
those who reflect, this symbolizes the rank of refraining from committing zina being the
highest as compared to the other issues tackled in the verses that come after it.

3 Coupling and Zina: A Comparison

One of the evidence that addresses the prohibition of coupling can be found in the
following Hadith Muslim, narrated by Abu Hurairah: “Allah has written the very portion
of Zina which a man will indulge in. There will be no escape from it. The Zina of the eye
is the (lustful) look, the Zina of the ears is the listening (to voluptuous songs or talk), the
Zina of the tongue is (the licentious) speech, the Zina of the hand is the (lustful) grip, the
Zina of the feet is the walking (to the place where he intends to commit Zina), the heart
yearns and desires and the private parts approve all that or disapprove it.”12

Hence, from this we can deduce that zina is not just the actual act of sexual
intercourse, but also the small little actions committed by the other body parts such as the
eyes, ears, tongue, hands (touch), feet and the heart as their wrongful usage paves the
way to zina. Coupling, which in essence, involves a couple spending time together to get
to know one another, is thus without question, prohibited (haraam) in Islam.

3.1 Coupling: Zina of the Eyes (Sight)

There are many verses in the Qur’an, Hadith and books of the imam of the four
Madhab that emphasizes on the need to guard one’s eyes in order to protect one from
falling into zina. The very popular Malay phrase “Dari mata ke hati” (From the eyes to
the heart) succinctly elaborates the reason as to why the sight is one of the things that
Allah swt commands the believing Muslims to guard. Imam Ghazali, in his Ihya,
mentioned that looking constitutes the adultery of the eyes 13, Salim A. Fillah highlighted
12
Salim A. Fillah, Nikmatnya Pacaran Setelah Pernikahan (Indonesia: Pro-U Media,
2010), p.28
13
Madelain Farah, Marriage and Sexuality in Islam: A Translation of al-Ghazali’s Book

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in his book that from observing the surroundings around us, it is a fact that one of the
causes of attraction lies in the sight, no matter of a man’s or a woman’s 14 and Ibn Al-
Qattan said, “There is a consensus that the eye is not connected to any enormity, but it is
the quickest inroad to the destruction of the heart”15.

To confirm their finding is the absolute word of the Qur’an in giving an example of
how an unguarded sight can overthrow the whole body’s rational. In Surah Yusuf, verse
31: “Thereupon, when she heard of their malicious talk, she sent for them, and prepared
for them a sumptuous repast, and handed each of them a knife and said [to Joseph]:
“Come out and show thyself to them!” And when the women saw him, they were greatly
amazed at his beauty, and [so flustered were they that] they cut their hands [with their
knives] exclaiming, “God save us! This is no mortal man! This is naught but a noble
angel!”

In 24:30-31, Allah swt commands “Tell the believing men to lower their gaze and
to be mindful of their chastity: this will be most conducive to their purity – [and,] verily,
God is aware of all that they do. And tell the believing women to lower their gaze and be
to be mindful of their chastity, and not to display their charms [in public] beyond what
may [decently] be apparent thereof; hence, let them draw their head-coverings over their
bosoms. And let them not display [more of] their charm… and let them not swing their
legs [in walking] so as to draw attention to their hidden charms… 16”

Much emphasis has been made in the above two verses on the effects of sight on
the purity of the believing men and women. For example, the phrase “lower your gaze”
coupled with the verses “not to display their charms” and “not to swing their legs so as to
draw attention to their hidden charms” hint at a two-pronged approach in protecting the
sight – one that is expected of a person to protect his own sight by lowering his gaze, and

on the Etiquette of Marriage from the Ihya (Utah: University of Utah Press, 1984),
p.75
14
Salim A. Fillah, p.77
15
Hamza Yusuf & Zaid Shakir, Agenda to Change Our Condition (USA: Zaytuna
Institute, 2008), p.49
16
Muhammad Asad, p.538

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one that is expected of a person to protect himself from the sight of others by not
deliberately attracting attention to one’s self.

There are also several ahadith that give further elaborations on the prohibition of
the zina of the eyes, namely: -

1) Umm Salamah said: I was with the Messenger of Allah (PBUH) along with
Maimunah when Ibn Umm Maktum (who was blind) came to visit him. (This
incident took place after the order of Hijab). The Prophet (PBUH) told us to
hide ourselves from him (i.e., observe Hijab). We said: "O Messenger of
Allah (PBUH), he is blind and is unable to see us, nor does he know us.'' He
replied; "Are you also blind and unable to see him?''[Abu Dawud and At-
Tirmidhi]. 17

2) “The Prophet asked his daughter Fatimah, “What is best for a woman?” She
replied, “That she should see no man, and that no man should see her.” So he
hugged her and said they were “descendants of one another”.18

3) “Sight is a poisonous arrow of the devil. Whosoever, whether male or female,

protects himself or herself from evil glances, will be granted a sweet imaan
(faith) which will please his/her heart.” [Tabrani] 19

4) Jarir b. 'Abdullah reported: I asked Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon

him) about the sudden glance (that is cast) on the face (of a non-Mahram). He
commanded me that I should turn away my eyes. [Muslim, At-Tirmidhi] 20

To add on to these verses of from the Qur’an and also the hadith collection, books
by the four imams too stand strong that a non-mahram man and woman should not be

17
Salim A. Fillah, p.79
18
Madelain Farah, p.100. Al-Bazzar and Al-Daraqutni related it in al-Afrad from the
Hadith of ‘Ali. The transmittal is weak.
19
Salim A.Fillah, p.80
20
Al Ustaz Haji Idris Ahmad SH, Fiqh Syafi’i (Indonesia: Karya Indah, 1986), p.372

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allowed to look at one another, save for the moment when the man is asking for the
woman’s hand in marriage, to which he is entitled to look at her face and hands21.

Hence, from the above evidences, we can conclude that coupling in Islam is
forbidden as it involves a non-mahram man and woman freely enjoying each other’s
physical features without any boundaries. Allah swt has, through the Qur’an and His
prophet, emphasized multiple times on the importance of guiding one’s sight, as it is the
first small step towards the literal zina. Unfortunately not many take heed as they claim it
‘normal’ to see one another.

3.2 Coupling: Zina of the Ears and Tongue (Listening and speech)

In 33:32, Allah swt commanded: “O wives of Prophet! You are not like of the
[other] women, provided that you remain [truly] conscious of God. Hence, be not over-
soft in your speech, lest and whose heart is diseased should be moved to desire [you]: but,
withal, speak in a kindly way.”22

With regards to the above verse from Surah Al-Ahzab, it is to be understood that
even though the verse was directly addressed to the wives of the Prophet, it can also be
applied to all believing women in general. It also needs to be noted that in the culture of
coupling, it is not uncommon that both the man and woman involved will more often than
not converse sweet words to one another, something that has been generally promoted as
a way to increase their “love” for one another and also to have lots of daily conversations
to get to know one another. One then has to reflect on the prohibition given– “be not
over-soft in your speech, lest and whose heart is diseased should be moved to desire

21
Ibid, p.282

22
Muhammad Asad, p.644

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[you]” and also the fact that even the wives of the Prophet, women with unshakable
imaan, were asked to guard their speech – and ask in what way is coupling allowed in
Islam?

Another evidence that emphasizes on the need for women to guard their voice or
speech is in the following hadith,
“Narrated Sahl bin Sad: The news about the differences amongst the people of Bani
'Amr bin 'Auf at Quba reached Allah's Apostle and so he went to them along with some
of his companions to affect a reconciliation. Allah's Apostle was delayed there and the
time for the prayer became due. Bilal came to Abu Bakr and said, "O Abu Bakr! Allah's
Apostle is detained (there) and the time for the prayer is due. Will you lead the people in
prayer?" Abu Bakr replied, "Yes, if you wish." So Bilal pronounced the Iqama and Abu
Bakr went forward and the people said Takbir. In the meantime, Allah's Apostle came
piercing through the rows till he stood in the (first) row and the people started clapping.
Abu Bakr, would never look hither and thither during the prayer but when the people
clapped much he looked back and saw Allah's Apostle. The Prophet beckoned him to
carry on. Abu Bakr raised both his hands, praised Allah and retreated till he stood in the
row and Allah's Apostle went forward and led the people in the prayer. When he had
finished the prayer, he addressed the people and said, "O people! Why did you start
clapping when something happened to you in the prayer? Clapping is for women.
Whenever one is confronted with something unusual in the prayer one should say,
'Subhan Allah'." Then the Prophet looked towards Abu Bakr and asked, "What prevented
you from leading the prayer when I beckoned you to carry on?" Abu Bakr replied, "It
does not befit the son of Al Quhafa to lead the prayer in the presence of Allah's Apostle."
[Sahih Bukhari]23

To add on to this, Imam Syafii’s ruling on a women’s voice is that it is haraam for a
non-mahram man, for fear of the slander that might arise from it, while for Imam Hanafi,
although the voice of a woman is not part of the aurah, it is permissible to be heard only
during times of need such as during the seeking of knowledge. However, it is important
23
http://www.searchtruth.com/book_display.php?
book=22&translator=1&start=0&number=302 (accessed 07/02/11)

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to note here that even Imam Hanafi agrees that the voice of a woman is haraam onto a
non-mahram man if a case of slandering might occur due to it, even during Qur’an
recitals24. Imam Malik and Imam Hambali too agree on the prohibition of listening to a
women’s voice when singing (softened)25.

Hence, we can see here that during the times of prayer, women are not allowed to
let men hear their voice, instead having to clap when wanting to correct and even during
Qur’an recitals women are not allowed to recite if it may bear fruit to slander. If this is
thus the shariah of Islam, it would be utterly ridiculous that a man and woman who are
non-mahram to claim that it is permissible to ‘just talk on the phone’ as most people
involved in the act of coupling do; how much more important is talking on the phone
sharing about one’s day as compared to correcting prayer or reciting the Qur’an?

3.3 Coupling: Zina of the Hands (Touch)

In a hadith, it is stated: “If one of you were to be stabbed in the head with a piece
of iron it would be better for him than if he were to touch a woman whom it is not
permissible for him to touch.” [At-Thabarani, Al-Baihaqi]26 Another hadith narrated by
Aisyah r.a. states: “Rasulullah never touched the hand of any woman except those that
are halal for him.” [Bukhari, Muslim]27 Also, a hadith too mentions: “If one finds himself
stuck in a crowded area filled with pigs covered with mud and with a bad smell emitting
from it, that is better for him than to rub shoulders in a crowded place with the shoulders
of a women that is not halal for him.” [At-Thabarani]28

To further illustrate the heaviness of the issue on hand, Syeikh Abdullah Bin
Jarullah takes a very strong stand against the very act of handshaking in the context of the
current times, where handshaking has become the norm on the basis of workplace ethics.

24
Jaafar Saleh, Ciri-ciri Wanita yang Membawa ke Syurga (Kuala Lumpur: Al-Hidayah
Publication, 2009), p.80
25
Jaafar Saleh, p.85
26
Salim A.Fillah, p.90
27
Siti Nor Bahyah Mahamood dan Ida Ezyani Othman, Hadiah Buat Muslimah (Kuala
Lumpur: Telaga Biru Sdn Bhd, 2008), p.150
28
Jaafar Saleh, p.64

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In his book, he mentioned, with regards to this accepted practice amongst many Muslims
“… Don’t follow the lifestyle of the kafirs, their lifestyle is not our lifestyle… The
haraam should always remain as haraam, and no law or cultural practice can modify or
change its ruling…”29. Siti Nor Bahyah further adds on that it is best to avoid shaking
hands, but in times of darurah, it is the consensus of some of the ‘ulama that one can do
so if the hand is covered with a layer of cloth e.g. gloves30. Also, the former Mufti of
Brunei, Al Marhum Pehin Dato Seri Maharaja Haji Ismail bin Umar Abdul Aziz gave a
fatwa which mentions: “The ruling on touching the aurah of a woman by an ajnabi man
is haraam, even more so since even looking at the aurah of the women by the ajnabi man
is haraam. Touching evokes more emotions and increases one’s desire more than looking.
Hence, it is only logical that touching is a graver haraam as compared to looking.”31

It can thus be concluded that coupling is haraam in Islam as it involves free-

mixing between a non-Mahram male and female, and in many cases, involve the act of
touching, i.e. holding hands, hugging or kissing, which will all lead to the very act of
zina and are much more grave when compared to handshaking, which is already
categorized as haraam by the ‘ulama.

3.4 Coupling: Zina of the Feet (Walking)

As mentioned in the earlier hadith narrated by Abu Hurayra, the zina of the feet is
in walking. Imam Al-Ghazali further elaborates this by forbidding the usage of the feet to
walk towards something that is unlawful32, and it is apparent that the feet of those
involved in coupling are walking towards the unlawful as it brings them around whilst
they get themselves involved in all the other types of zina mentioned above, such as the
zina of the eyes or tongue. To make things worse, it too physically brings them to places
that are conducive for committing the literal zina, such as to a house (as stated in the
survey conducted in Indonesia in 2005 as explained in the introduction).

29
Syeikh Abdullah Bin Jarullah, Muslimah Inilah Cara Hidupmu (Kuala Lumpur:
Syarikat Nurulhas: 1991), p.41
30
Siti Nor Bahyah Mahamood, p.155
31
Jaafar Saleh, p.62
32
Abu Hamid Al-Ghazali, Bidayat al-Hidayah (London: White Thread Press, 2010),
p.106

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3.5 Coupling: Zina of the Heart and Mind (Yearnings and Desires)

In the verse 24:30, it is stated that one should “lower one’s gaze”. Although most
scholars interpret this as the literal lowering of one’s sight, Imam Razi relates this to both
physical and emotional modesty33, i.e., protecting the heart from yearning and desires.

Imam Ghazali emphasizes that the action of the outer limbs, like the eyes, tongue,
hands, ears and feet, are the result only of the qualities of the heart and in order to protect
the outward limbs, the heart must first be cleansed. This is in support of the hadith that
mentions that a sound heart will ensure a sound body while a corrupt heart will corrupt
the entire body34. Thus, it is not surprising that in his book Ehya’ Ulumuddin, he made
the ruling haraam on anyone, be it a man or a woman, to yearn or desire, or to miss an
ajnabi35; the basis of which is the collapse of khusyu’ in ibadah due to the above
emotions.

Siti Nor Bahyah too adds that a man and woman, even though sitting far apart,
could still be engaged in zina if his/her mind is imagining a pornographic image of the
other party36. Hence, it is better to avoid even being in the same place altogether to avoid
the probability of this happening.

Therefore, it can be seen here that coupling is haraam in Islam as it involves two

33
Muhammad Asad, p.538
34
Abu Hamid Al-Ghazali, p.110
35
Jaafar Saleh, p.71
36
Siti Nor Bahyah Mahamood, p.150

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non-mahram having feelings for each other, as it might lead them to have all sorts of
yearnings and desires for the other party and thus corrupts the heart. When one starts to
have yearnings and desires for someone not halal for him/her, it thus incurs Allah swt’s
wrath as it incurs His jealousy, as stated in a hadith37.

3.6 Coupling: Zina of the Private Parts

As we have discussed above through various explanations and evidence, coupling is
in fact haraam as through the actions that come with it, various forms of zina are
committed. And as mentioned in the hadith narrated by Abu Hurairah, the “private parts
approve all that”38. This is explained by Imam Ghazali as such: “And you will not be
successful in guarding the private part except by guarding the eye from looking, the heart
from contemplating… for these things stir one’s desires and are the places where their
seeds are sown.”39

In the Qur’an 23:5-6, Allah swt has said: -

Which means: “And those who guard their private parts – except from their spouses
or from those whom their right hands possess, for in that case they are not blameworthy”.
It can be deduced from here that it is bounding on one to guard his or her private parts
from committing zina and if they do not do so, blame will be placed on them for their

37
“Allah, the Exalted, is Jealous and His Jealousy is incited by a person doing that
which Allah has forbidden.” Bukhari and Muslim with a chain up to Abu Hurairah (s)
who related that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said this.
http://www.yanabi.com/Hadith.aspx?HadithID=149703 (accessed 07/02/11)
38
Salim A. Fillah, p.28
39
Abu Hamid Al-Ghazali, p.106

15
own negligence. Hence, again, the emphasis is that coupling is haraam as it involves
engaging in the zina of the other parts that Allah swt has warned will lead to the literal act
of zina of the private parts.

4 The Concept of Ikhtilat and Khalwat

The meaning of Ikhtilat ‘being with a person of an opposite sex that is not his/her
mahram, in a place that gives rise to the possibility of interaction between the two, either
through sight, signs or words’40, while khalwat is a more specific type of Ikhtilat, where
the man and woman are alone, free from the sight of others41. It is clear that the act of
coupling, by its definition that we have stated in the introduction, falls into either one of
these two categories, depending on the stage of the relationship.

In the verse 33:59, Allah swt says: “O Prophet! Say to your wives and your
daughters and the women of the believers that they let down upon them their over
garments; this will be more proper, that they may be known (as good women), and thus
they will not be given trouble (by men without morals); and Allah is Forgiving,
Merciful.” Hence, from this verse and from the verses from 24:30-31 (as explained
above), Allah swt states clearly the limitations of the relationships between men and
women who are not mahram. Both men and women are supposed to guard their own parts
so as not to tempt others, and to guard their senses so as not to be tempted by others.

There are numerous hadith that warn of the dangers of Ikhtilat and khalwat, for
example: -

40
Syeikh Abdullah Bin Jarullah, p.31
41
Ibid, p.34

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 1. The presence of a single man and a single woman is never in twos, but with a
third party that is syaitaan. [Ahmad, Tirmidhi, Hakim]42
2. Khalwat with a woman is forbidden for you unless it is with a muhrim. [Muttafaq
Alaih]43
3. You should be wary of entering a place of women and of being with her without a
mahram. Asked an Ansar, what about Al-Ham (in-laws)? Rasulullah s.a.w.
answered, “Al-Ham is death as well”. [Bukhari, Muslim, Tirmidhi]44
4. You should be wary of committing khalwat with a woman. In the name of Allah
of Whom I am in His power, not one man exists who commits khalwat with a
woman without syaitaan being in between them and if that man is cornered by a
pig covered in dirty mud, that is better for him than to rub shoulders with a
woman who is not his mahram. [At-Tabarani]45
5. It is haraam for a woman who believes in Allah swt and in the hereafter that she
travels in her journey for more than three days, except which she is with her
husband, her father, her male relative or son, or a male that is haraam on her to
marry. [Bukhari, Muslim, Abu Daud, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah]

From the above two verses and five hadith alone, it is apparent that coupling, by
its definition itself, is haraam as it transgresses the boundaries of the dynamics of
relationships between men and women that Allah swt has stated for mankind.

4.1 Allowed Ikhtilat

However, it would be tremendously hard on mankind if free mixing were forbidden
in totality. Thus Allah swt has given mankind certain leeway which allows mixing, but
within certain boundaries that has been set by Him. As such, free mixing between men
and women fall under the second category of dhara’i, meaning it most likely leads to evil

42
Ibid, p.32
43
Ibid, p.33
44
Jaafar Salleh, p.52
45
Ibid, p.53

17
and is rarely expected to lead to benefit46, and thus one should be extremely cautious
when approaching it. Much of the Hadith emphasizes that mixing is only permitted when
there is a specific purpose and reason behind it, or when there is no other choice besides
it. For example: when praying in the mosque, or taking part in war efforts 47. These
examples can be seen in the following Hadith (in order):

1. “Umm ‘Atiyya reported: We were commanded to bring out on ‘Id days

purdah-observing ladies and those unmarried, and menstruating women
came out but remained behind people and pronounced takbir along with
them.” (Sahih Muslim)48
2. “Narrated Rubai bint Mu’adh bin ‘Afra: We used to go with Allah’s
Apostle in his Ghazawat to provide the people with water and serve them
and bring the dead and the wounded back to Medina” (Sahih Bukhari)49

However, faced with all the above prohibitions, a person in the current modern
era would be driven to ask, “How then is it possible for a man and woman to get married
if they do not engage in pre-marital relationships?”

5 The Fitrah of Mankind

46
Dr Mohamad Akram Laldin, p.112
47
Dr Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi, The Ideal Muslim Society as Defined in the Qur’an
and Sunnah (Saudi: International Islamic Publishing House, 2007), p.430
48
‘Abdul Hamid Saddiqi, Sahih Muslim VOL II (Saudi: Islamic Counsellor, 1985), p.418
49
Dr Muhammad Muhsin Khan, The Translation of the Meanings of Sahih Al-Bukhari
(Medina: Islamic University, 1987), p.395

18
 In the Qur’an 7:189, Allah swt says: “He it is Who created you from a single being,
and of the same (kind) did He make his mate, that he might incline to her; so when he
covers her she bears a light burden, then moves about with it; but when it grows heavy,
they both call upon Allah, their Lord: If Thou givest us a good one, we shall certainly be
of the grateful ones.”

From this verse, it is apparent to us that Allah swt has created men and women in
pairs; that is, it is only natural that they will be attracted to one another. However, what
many forget is that Allah swt too has sent down guidelines on how to make this attraction
halal. In a hadith, Rasulullah s.a.w. was quoted to have said, “O Youth! Those of you
who have the means to get married shall do it, as it better to protect your eye and your
desire, as for those who are unable to do so, he shall fast as it is a protection for you.”
[Bukhari, Muslim]50. Hence, nikah (marriage) is the rightful bind as it distributes
appropriate responsibilities to the parties that are involved 51, the likes of which is not
found in the concept of coupling.

6 The Islamic Alternative to Coupling: Marriage

The proper Islamic way to fulfill the fitrah of man, as stated above, is via the
process of nikah, achieved only after the following two steps: -

6.1 Seeking the hand in marriage

Before the act of nikah itself, it is logical that a man or a woman has to find
someone suitable for him/her to marry. Here, we have already come to the conclusion
that coupling is haraam in Islam; thus, dating is definitely out of the question. What Islam
proposes is that a man is allowed to look at the face and palms of the woman he is
interested in marrying, with the condition that a mahram is around 52, making
arrangements through the mahram or through an intermediary. In choosing a prospective
wife, a man should look to the following hadith: The Prophet said, "A woman is married

50
Dr Mohamad Akram Laldin, p.24
51
Enon Mansor, Fatimah Eunos, Osman Sidek, Tranquil Hearts (Singapore: MUIS and
The Muslim Converts Association of Singapore, 1998), p.23
52
Siti Nor Bahyah Mahamood, p.125

19
for four things, i.e., her wealth, her family status, her beauty and her religion. So you
should marry the religious woman (otherwise) you will be a losers.”53 It is important to
note here that Islam allows a woman to choose her husband as well, like the example of
Siti Khadijah asking for the Prophet’s hand in marriage.

6.2 Engagement (Khitbah)

Once both parties are agreeable, an engagement will follow suit but it is important
to understand that unlike in the West, an engagement in Islam does not permit a man and
woman to mix freely as if they are already married. Instead, they have to adhere to certain
etiquettes e.g. each meeting has to be accompanied by a mahram and touching is still
forbidden for them. The purpose of the engagement is to find out if both parties are of the
same level or status, of the same thinking etc. It is during this period of engagement too
that both parties are to learn on the issues with relation to marriage, i.e. the roles and
responsibilities that they will have to take on54.

Imam Malik’s Muwatta’ mentions that a man is allowed to divorce his wife after
marriage if he finds out that she has a sickness but was not “told of her condition by her
guardian”55. From this, it needs to be highlighted that Imam Malik says “by her guardian”
and not “by her”, thus giving evidence that the process of getting to know one another
should be done through a guardian and not directly, thus rendering the act of coupling on
the basis of getting to know one another obsolete.

7 The Beauty Behind the Prohibition of Coupling

In recent times, we see in the media increased reports of the abandoning of babies
by unwed mothers, and it is obvious that this social problem is a direct effect of the
increase in coupling activities and the increase in liberalistic views when it comes to pre-
marital sex. This issue is viewed as highly problematic to the society as it increases the

53
Hadith Sahih Bukhari, Volume 7, Book 62, Number 27, narrated by Abu Hurairah.
http://www.shariahprogram.ca/Hadith/Sahih-Bukhari/062.sbt.html (accessed
07/02/11)
54
Siti Nor Bahyah Mahamood, p.126
55
Malik Ibn Anas, Al-Muwatta’ (Great Britain:The Canterbury Press Pty Ltd, 1989),
p.210

20
statistics of children growing up without a proper family structure that is essential in
creating healthy minds and characters56. On top of that, millions of people every year
suffer from sexual diseases, some of which can never be cured57.

Instead of killing a rat every time it emerges from the hole, Islam plugs the hole and
thus cuts the problem at the root itself. By being firm in its stand against coupling, it
gives a reminder to Muslims to not go near zina, protects the sanctity of marriage, places
deep importance in the concept of responsibility in pro-creation through the responsibility
of marriage and ensures a lifestyle that is more guarded and virtuous58.

8 Conclusions: Aligning It All Back to Taqwa

From all that has been discussed in this paper, we have come to a concrete
conclusion that coupling is haraam in Islam as it engages a person in zina of all sorts, and
has the huge potential to lead one to the literal zina in the end. One has to remember that
the sole purpose of this life to gain Allah’s blessings in all that we do, and verily,
avoiding coupling will place one in high status, as per the following verse (79:40-41)

“And as for him who fears to stand in the presence of his Lord and forbids the
soul from low desires, then surely the garden-- that is the abode.” If we are really true
Mu’mins who place all our trust in Allah swt, it is befitting for us to follow the Qur’an
and Sunnah in choosing our life partners and in the way we carry out the process, whilst
holding on strongly to Allah swt’s promise: -

56
Dr Muhammad Ali Al-Hashimi, p.447
57
Ibid, p.448
58
Siti Nor Bahyah Mahamood, p.149

21
 Qur’an 24:26 “Corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men, for corrupt
women – just as good women are for good men, and good men, for good women…” and
verily, Allah swt is not one who breaks promises.

22
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