The Saintly Sinner

The Saint
There were two evil brothers. They were rich,

and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye.
They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians.
Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired.
Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception,
but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.
A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.
All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.
The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral
and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new build
ing.
"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral,
you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word,
and deposited the check.
The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back.
"He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family."
After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with,
"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
10 Reasons Why the Terrorists Weren't Greek

1. 6:45 am is too early for most Greeks to get up.
2. Greeks are always late, they would've missed all 4 flights.
3. 18 Greeks can't even organize a simple lunch together! You think they can or
ganize such an attack?
4. Greeks only use their cellular phones to make missed calls and not to commun
icate with each other.
5. Free alcohol on the plane, get it?
6. The suspected car found outside of Boston Airport would have been a BMW or
a Mercedes, not a Ford.
7. They wouldn't have a meeting in Afghanistan "there are no girls there,
perhaps in Sweden.
8. Talking behind each other's back would start a big fight on the plane.
9. Hot girls on the planes would have distracted them.
10. Their mothers wouldn't have let them.
Gorilla
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island.

The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.
After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry
stands up and says,
"I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island
with his pals right behind him.
They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry
puts the bag over the gorilla's head.
He climbs on top of the gorilla and begins to do the nasty.
The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free
and she wraps it around Garry's back.
Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist.
She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts
pulling him in harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!! They said,
"You're on top,
we can't get her off of you." Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..
I want to kiss the bitch!"
Thing's a boss can't say to a Worker.

Phrases You Can Use In A Myriad of Business Situations. Or maybe what
you'd like to say.
1) Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique >point
of view.
2) The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an >artist.
3) I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to
pronounce.
4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
6) I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8) I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9) I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10) Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about >you.
12) It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15) How about never? Is never good for you?
16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17) You sound reasonable... Time to up my medication.
18) I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
19) I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20) I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22) My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
23) It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level >I'm
really quite busy.
24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive >habits.
25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26) I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself >in
public.
27) Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the
subject.
The Frog and the Princess.

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: "Elegant Lady,
I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup
housekeeping
in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing
so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly
sauteed froglegs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she
chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
If you can survive death, you can survive anything.
Blonde joke's
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?

A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked behind her ear and she can't find her pencil
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath
Q. What do blondes and cow shit have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. How do you light up a blondes eyes?
A. Shine a torch in her ear.
Q. Why do blondes have square breasts?
A. Because they forget to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you slap a mosquito it stops sucking.
Q. Why do Blondes have TGIF written on their shoes?
A. Toes Go In First.
Q. What do you call an eternity?
A. Four Blondes in four cars at a four way stop.
Q. What do SMART Blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why do blondes always smile during lightning storms?
A. They think their picture is being taken.
Q. Why can't Blondes dial 911?
A. They can't find the 11 on the phone!
Q. What do you do if a Blonde throws a pin at you?
A. Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!
Q. Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. How do you drown a Blonde?
A. Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Q. Why does it take longer to build a Blond snowman as opposed to a regular one?
A. You have to hollow out the head.
Q. Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
Q. What happened to the blonde Ice Hockey Team?
A. They drowned in Spring Training.
Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the difference between elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound and she weighed 125 lbs.
51 Links
Yo Momma Universe
Home of the Yo'Momma Joke
Blond Universe
Home of the Blonde Pictures
Funny Quotes Universe
Home of the Funny Quotes
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet won't follow you around after you use it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before using a trampoline.
Q: What's the difference between Indiana and a blonde?
A: A blonde has larger hills and deeper valleys.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and the Panama Canal?
A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a blonde says,
"Any-cock'll-doooo."
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and the Grand Old Duke of York?
A: The Grand Old Duke of York only 'had' 10000 men.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: Why did the blonde give up bowling for screwing?
A: The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.
Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the sperm bank?
A: Her employer found out she was embezzling.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: What is the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm "sooo" drunk!"
Q: Why are there so few blonde pharmacists?
A: They have a hard time getting the pill bottles into the typewriter!
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
Q: Why did the blonde resolve to have only three children?
A: Because she heard that one child out of every four born was Chinese.
Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work
or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says on the box: "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde; she's 18.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Why don't blonds play frisbee?
A: It hurts their teeth.
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach.
They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the
English channel.
After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast s
troke,
so off they set.
One day later the Redhead reached the French coast.
Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she
decided that they
couldn't be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting
for the other two.
After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight.
"What took you so long?"
inquired the Redhead.
"There were some strong currents out there! But I'm here now! Am I the last?"
replied the Brunette.
"No. Blondie is still out there somewhere." They decided to wait.
Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie
came into view.
Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde "What took you so long?"
"What do you expect? You guy's cheated, replied the idignant blonde,
"You used your hands!"
There are two blondes and a brunette on an island. One of the blondes finds
a bottle and a genie pops out.
The genie says he will grant them one wish each...
The first blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I wish for a rowboat.
" With a flash, a rowboat appears and she rushes out into the ocean.
The second blonde says, "I need to get off this island, I need jetski"
With a flash, a jetski appears and she rushes out into the ocean,
soon overtaking the first blonde.
The genie looks enquiringly toward the brunette,
who with raised eyebrows, smiles and says," Just give me a million dollars,
I'll take the bridge."
A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money,

she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him
,
"I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning,
put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide
on the north side of the playground.
Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show
it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was
sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said,
"How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead,

and one's a blonde.
Two guards brings the brunette forward,
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape.
The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner
asks if she has any last requests.
She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The redhead then screams, "tornado!!"
Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution.
By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring
her
forward,
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.
She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."
The blonde shouts, "fire!!"
A Policeman pulls a blonde in a sports car over for speeding and is trying
to explain to her what and where her
driver's license might be. After she eventually gives him her driver's license,
he asks for registration.
Getting another blank blonde look from her, he explains,
"It's that little piece of paper you get with your car and you keep it in
the glove compartment."
"Ah," she says as she bends over to get it. While she is looking through the
glove compartment,
the officer unzips his pants and pulls his cock out.
Excited that she had found her registration, she turns around and looks up.
A look of dismay crosses her face and she says, "Oh, no! Not another breathaliz
er
test!"
how does a blonde turn on the light while haveing sex ?

Open's the car door.
Q. What is the first thing a blonde does when she get's up in the mornning ?
A. Go's home.
Q.How do you confuse a blonde ?
A. Give her a packet of M&M's and tell her to put them in Alphabetical order
Native Homosexual
Q. What do you call a homosexual native-American ?
A. A brave fucker.
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100 Ways to be a Cool Greek-American
1. Smoke as if it was your last day on earth.
2. Own an alphanumeric pager with a built-in answering machine.
3.Own a cellular phone, talk on it ALL the time.
4. Dress as though you're headed for a club when you're actually going to class
.
5. Speak Greek all the time.
6. Have only Greek friends.
7. Learn to say the Greek alphabet really fast to impress the natives.
8. Wear those tight black pants and tons of make-up (If you are a girl) or,
be sure to have a pony tail (If you are a guy).
9. Travel in groups of 10 or more to parties.
10. Go to Greek Orthodox summer camps (Ionian Village, Ascension, St. Sophia,
BDC, CYC.. etc.).
11. Go to all Greek college parties.
12. Refuse to dance to anything but Euro club or Greek folk music.
13. Dance in circles at all parties and clubs.
14. If you are a guy, use a lot of gel and mouse in your hair, or if you are a
girl,
be sure to run your fingers though your hair each time you spot a hot guy.
15. Dress as though you're headed for a club when you're actually going to chur
ch.
16. Wear only designer labels and make sure they are extremely visible.
17. If your a guy, walk 10 feet in front of your date at all times.
18. Own a bouzouki if you can, even if you know nothing about them and bring it
to parties.
19. Wear a leather jacket at all times, even in the summer.
20. Tell American acquaintances that money is never an object even if all you
have is $10.
21. Guys and girls wear those big black boots (Aldo specials).
22. Make sure your parents are illiterate with a heavy accent, but crafty.
23. Believe in DKNY, Versace, Moshino, and Armani.
24. Make sure your parents and relatives own a pizza place or a diner or some o
ther
cash business and DO NOT pay enough taxes.
25. Guys, get a hair cut once a week (if you are not of the pony tail variety).
26. Make sure you install every possible option in your car (the ashtray and th
e
Vandi tape is a must).
27. Own a sports car (even if it's a piece of skata).
28. Use church as a social ground to meet potential dates.
29. Go to every GOYA dance possible.
30. If you are a girl make sure your hair is covered with highlights of brown o
r
blonde.
31. Buy a komboloi and play with it like you know how to.
32. Girls and guys, wear as much silver or gold as possible.
33. Tell everyone you were born in Greece.
34. Know all the names of Greek foods.
35. Tell everyone stories of your amazing summer in Greece
(even if you've never been there).
36. Have lots of Greek pride.
37. Celebrate your name day like your birthday, confuse the natives.
38. Girls hold other Greek girl's hands in public as a symbol of friendship.
39. Put Greek stickers all over your belongings (car, room...).
40. If someone asks you your race proudly say "Greek".
41. Girls go out with Greek guys much older than you.
42. Have huge parties.
43. There is no drinking age in Greece, pretend as though you're there.
44. Always give kisses on both sides of cheeks (mind the excessive make-up).
45. Follow your horoscope.
46. Believe in all Greek superstitions not observed anymore even in the smalles
t
Greek village.
47. Whatever you do... don't drive like a Greek from Greece
(here the police takes notice).
48. Make friends wherever you go.
49. Play soccer, watch soccer, pick a Greek soccer team.
50. Listen to Greek music.
51. Teach non-Greeks swears in Greek, then make fun of their accent.
52. Go to church as much as possible.
53. Be familiar with all new Greek slang.
54. Do every thing "Greek Style" - as if you were perfect.
55. Guys carry a wallet everywhere.
56. Show off Greek money as if 100 drachmas was 100 dollars.
57. Drink Greek coffee in the winter and frappe in the summer.
58. Read Greek magazines.
59. Go to all Greek events.
60. Know about your religion.
61. Know all the names of your family in Greece.
62. Consider yourself as a Greek God or Goddess.
63. Girls, go out with more than one guy at a time.
64. Be the life of the party.
65. Ouzo is your friend (so drink it).
66. Party until the morning, then go out for breakfast.
67. Go to Greek cafes.
68. Keep a lot of pictures of friends at all times.
69. Have at least one favorite number and color at all times.
70. Learn Greek pig-latin and speak it with your friends.
71. Girls, carry a pocketbook everywhere.
72. Memorize the words of your favorite Greek song.
73. Have at least 3 nick-names.
74. Plan a trip to at least one Greek island.
75. Hang a huge Greek flag in your room.
76. Know at least one Greek singer (e.g. Vandi, Dallarras, etc.).
77. Start a Greek club at your school.
78. Travel to places where there's a lot of Greeks.
79. When ever in presence of other unknown Greeks,
pretend you can't speak Greek to hear everything they say about you in Greek.
80. Always talk about that special someone in Greece (even if they don't exist)
.
81. Never be ashamed of your given birth name (even if named after a tree, e.g.
Lemonia!).
82. Always keep your last name (don't shorten it,
even if named Papadimitroharalampopoulos).
83. Don't be ashamed to be full of yourself.
84. Refer to all elders and friends' parents as aunts and uncles (theo and thea
).
85. Know how to Greek dance, take classes, teach classes.
86. Have a lot of perfume or cologne on at all times.
87. Waste all your money on stuff, you can never have enough of anything.
88. Know at least 20 girls each named Maria, Eleni, Irene or Sophia.
89. Know at least 20 guys each named George, Nick, Gianni or Kosta.
90. Go out for coffee with your friends.
91. Smoke the heaviest cigarettes available.
92. Wear the same outfit 2 to 4 times in a row.
93. Take a nap in the afternoon.
94. Don't always be in a rush, arrive late to parties and learn to chill
(run on Greek time).
95. You only live once, so live the best as possible.
96. Don't wear shorts or sandals in the summer (those are reserved for the nati
ves).
97. Always show off your naturally tanned skin.
98. Don't be offended if someone calls you an immigrant (take it as a complimen
t).
99. Fall in love with Greece, Greek culture,
and everything Greek - sto xorio mou gaidaros petai = im ny village donkeys fly
.
100. anything else.
A Greek & An Italian

There was an Italian and a Greek walking through a field, when they came across
a sheep with his head stuck in a fence. The Italian quickly dropped his pants
and mounted the sheep. After he was done he turned to the Greek and asked if
he wanted to go next.............the Greek dropped and put his head in the fenc
e.
A Greek Fisherman
25 Years Ago
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village.
An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his
fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long", answered the Greek.

"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?", asked the American.
The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and
those of his family.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my w
ife.
In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, dance a little,
play the bouzouki, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have a MBA from Harvard and I can help you."
"You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the revenue,
you can buy a bigger boat. With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire
fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middleman,
you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your
own plant. You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, Los Angel
es,
or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?", asked the Greek.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years", replied the American.
"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That's when it gets really interesting", answered the American,
laughing. "When your business gets really big,
you can start selling stocks and make millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish,
take a siesta with your wife, and spend your evenings singing,
dancing and playing the bouzouki with your friends."
Greek - 300 Sheeps

Q: What do you call a Greek with three hundred sheep?
A: A pimp!
A Greek Restaurant Owner

A Greek Restaurant owner daily teased his Chinese neighbor whenever he met him.
He would say, "How much is the flied lice today?"
The Chinese restaurant owner would fume and walk back into his restaurant
and decided to avoid the Greek owner.
But avoiding - one day the Chinese owner decides to go for elocution
lessons and after three months of intense learning decides to confront
the Greek with his new skill.
When the Greek sees the Chinese owner he asks the usual question
"How much is the flied lice?" The Chinese replies confidently:
"It is not flied lice, It is fried rice, you flucking Gleek plick!!!!"
A Greek Olive Grower

In a small traditional tavern in the village of Molyvos in the Greek Island of M
ytelene, an American tourist complimented a Greek villager on the quality of his
olives and asked where he found them.
"I have my own olive trees and I pick a few for me, my family and my tavern", an
swered the Greek.
"But since they are excellent, why don't you pick more?", asked the American.
The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs, those
of his family and his tavern.
The American asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, go to my olive tree field to collect a few olives,
go to my tavern for a few hours, play with my children, and take siestas with m
y wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends; and sing a few
songs. I have a full life."
The American interrupted, "I have a degree from Harvard and I can help you! You
should start by picking more olives every day. You can then sell the extra you d
on't need. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger field. With the extra mo
ney the larger field of olive trees will bring, you can buy a second one and a t
hird one and so on until you have an entire area of olive trees where you will h
ave other people working for you!"
"Instead of selling your olives to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with
the processing plants which bottle them for consumption and maybe even open you
r own. You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, Rome or even A
merica! From there you can direct your huge olive enterprise."
"How long will this take?", asked the Greek.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years", replied the American.
"And after that?"

"Afterwards? Well that's when it gets really good", answered the American laughi
ng. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make
millions!"
"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you'll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sle
ep late, play with your children and grandchildren, catch a few fish, take a sie
sta, and spend your evenings with your friends."
A Greek, a Turk and 2 Women Are On A Train

In a train carriage there were a Greek man, a Turkish man,
a spectacular looking blonde and a frightfully awful looking fat lady.
After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunn
el,
and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, the Turkish man had a big red slap mark on his chee
k.
(1) The blonde thought: - That Turkish idiot wanted to touch me and by mistake,
he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his fa
ce.
(2) The fat lady thought: - This dirty old Turkish man laid his hands on
the blonde and she smacked him.
(3) The Turkish man thought: - That stupid Greek man put his hand on that
blonde and by mistake she slapped me.
(4) The Greek man thought: - I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can
smack that Turko again.
An Old Drunk Greek Man Walks In A Bar

2 guys are at a bar drinking when an old man stumbles in, obviously drunk.
He sits next to the men and says to them, "ti mana sou, tin exo gammisi."
The men noticing he is drunk, ignore him and continue their conversation.
The drunk interupts them again and says, "ti mana sou, mou exei dosi pipa."
The 2 men still ignore the old man when he again interupts
the men and this time says, "ti mana sou, tin exo pari ap'to kolo." With this
,
one of the young men gets up and walks up to the old man and says, "patera,
exeis piee ligaki, then pas spiti?"
Sun Burn Cock

A young man finally won a date with a blonde female of questionable morals who
lived in his apartment complex.
To prepare for the big night , The bloke went up to the roof of his building to
tan himself.
Not wanting any tan lines, he sunbathed in the nude.
Unfortuneatly, the young man fell asleep and managed to burn his tool of
the trade.
But he was determined not to miss his date so he put some lotion on his manhood
and wrapped it in ( cotton) gauze.
The blonde showed up at his apartment and he treated her to a classy home-cooked
dinner, after which they went into the liveing room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn acted up agian.
He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen and poured a tall, cool glass of
milk.
Then he placed his sunburned member in the milk and the relief was immediate.
The blonde, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him
with his johnson immersed in the glass.
Shocked, she exclaimed " So that's how you guys load those things !!".
Breast Stroke
A blonde woman was competing with a brunette lady and a redheaded sheila in the
breast-stroke divion of a cometition to swim the English Channel.
The brunette came first, the redhead second.
The blonde woman finally reached shore, comletely exhausted.
After being revived with blankets and a cup of coffee, she remarked " I don't
want to complain, but I think those other girl's used their arms."
Pissed off house Wife

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husbend spending all his time at
the pub, so he took her along one night.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replied.
The husbend ordered a couple of jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately vomited
everywhere.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!!" she spluttered.
"I don't know how you can drink this stuff??"
"Well thee you go!" cried the husband.
"And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
A Funeral
A Funeral service is being held in a synagogue for a woman who has just passed
away.
At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out
when they accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same synagogue and at the end
of the service the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are
walking, the husband cries out, "WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL !!'''
Where's God
Two brothers, aged 8 and 10, were alway playing pranks and getting into
mischief.
When things went wrong in town, at school, at fairs, and at church, they were
inevitably behind it.
Their parents were beside themselves with anxiety.
What if their children should "step over the line" and get in trouble
with the Law.
They decided to send the boys to talk with the pastor of the church, a
Bible-thumping, God-fearing, pulpit-pounding Rock of Ethics and Values.
The 8-year-old had the first appointment, walking the four blocks from home
to the church.
When he sat in the chair across from the pastor's desk, the pastor regarded
him with a deep scowl, and after a minute said,"Young man, where is God?"
The boy remained silent in his chair.
The pastor raised his voice a bit.
"Young man, I said where is God?"
Still the boy remained quiet, but his eyes widened, and he swallowed nervously.
The pastor leaned over his desk and yelled, "Young man, I asked you a question!
Now where is God?" In terror, the boy leaped from his chair, ran home, vaulted
up the stairs to his bedroom, and hid in his closet.
The 10-year-old, hearing the noise, ran into his younger brother's bedroom
and found him shivering in the closet.
"What happened?" he said, starting to get scared himself.
"Oh, man, we're in deep trouble," said the 8-year-old.
"God's missing, and everyone thinks we did it."
What We Learn Over The Years

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing
"Silent Night" ...............Age 6
I've learned that you can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of
milk..............Age 7
I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what
they are doing and wave back ..............Age 9
I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom
makes me clean it up ..............Age 13
I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try
cheering someone else up .............Age 14
I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad
my parents are strict with me .............Age 15
I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of
advice ...............Age 24
I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great
pleasures ...Age 26
I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have
followed me there ...Age 29
I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must
live so that no one will believe it ...............Age 39
I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't
know how to show it ...............Age 41
I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them
a little card ...............Age 44
I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater
his need to cast blame on others ................ Age 46
I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies
................Age 47
I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for
hours ................ Age 49
I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from
the phone ................Age 50
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled
Christmas
tree lights ................Age 51
I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine
cabinet full of pills ................Age 52
I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents,
you
miss them terribly after they die ........ Age 53
I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a
life .................Age 58
I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your
children, try to improve your marriage .................Age 61
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance
.................Age 62
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt
on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back
................Age 64
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if
you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new
people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you
...............Age 65
I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I
usually make the right decision .................Age 65
I've learned that everyone can use a prayer
.................Age 72
I've learned that it pays to believe in miracles. And to tell the
truth, I've seen several. ................Age 73
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one
.................Age 82
I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a
friendly
pat on the back .................Age 85
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn ..............Age 92
I've learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about.
Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.
>And they talk about Dan Quaile

>>----- Original Message -----
>>
>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only
>>> regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school
>>> so I could converse with those people."
>>> -- Al Gore
>>>
>>> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
>>> -- Al Gore
>>>
>>> "Democrats understand the importance of bondage between a
>>> mother and child."
>>> -- Vice President Al Gore
>>>
>>> "Welcome to President Clinton, Mrs. Clinton, and my fellow
>>> astronauts."
>>>
>>> "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat
>>> the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We
>>> have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and
>>> water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If
>>> oxygen, that means we can breathe."
>>> -- Vice President Al Gore, 8/11/94
>>>
>>> "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a
>>> mind is being very wasteful. How true that is."
>>>
>>> "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's
>>> history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived
>>> in this century. I didn't live in this century."
>>>
>>> "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more
>>> freedom and democracy - but that could change."
>>>
>>> "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
>>> president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."
>>>
>>> "May our nation continue to be the beacon of hope to the
>>> world."
>>> -- The Gores' 1994 Christmas card.
>>>
>>> "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things."
>>>
>>> "I have made good judgments in the Past. I have made good
>>> judgments in the future."
>>>
>>> "The future will be better tomorrow."
>>>
>>> "We're going to have the best-educated American people in
>>> the world."
>>>
>>> "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
>>> positions and have a tremendous impact on history."
>>>
>>> "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
>>> -- Vice President Al Gore to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93
>>>
>>> "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO.
>>> We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of
>>> Europe."
>>>
>>> "Public speaking is very easy."
>>> -- Vice President Al Gore to reporters in 10/95
>>>
>>> "I am not part of the problem. I am a Democrat ."
>>>
>>>
>>> "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going
>>> to the polls."
>>>
>>> "When I have been asked who caused the riots and
>>> the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct
>>> and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are
>>> to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are
>>> to blame.
>>> -- Al Gore
>>>
>>> "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of
>>> not having it."
>>>
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur."
-- Vice President Al Gore, 9/22/97
"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach
our children."
"The American people would not want to know of any misquotes
that Al Gore may or may not make."
--Vice President Al Gore
"We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to
enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made."
--Vice President Al Gore
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- Vice President Al Gore
"[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system."
-- Vice President Al Gore
The Old Timers
There was this really old guy at an old timers dance,

and the problem was that he hadn't had any sex for a
real long time. He'd been dancing with all the
grandma's all night, but still hadn't scored.
Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said,

I'm having no luck scoring with a woman here
tonight,How about coming back to my place for
some real old fashioned sex.? I'll even give you
twenty bucks! She says, I'm willing let's go.
They get back to his place and after a bit of foreplay,

they head for the bedroom. He loves sex and can't get
over how tight she is for such an old woman. He
thinks that she's got to be a virgin. After the
wonderful performance, he rolls off her and says,
"WOW Lady,if I had known your were a virgin, I
would have given you 50 bucks.
Surprised, she says "If I had known you were
actually gonna get and erection, I would have taken
my panty hose off!
Penis
Top Ten Slogans Currently Being Considered by Viagra

"Viagra. The quicker dicker upper"
"One-a-day, like iron"
"Get a piece of the rock"
"You've come a long way, baby"
"Viagra, it plumps when you take 'em"
"Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman
"Tastes great, more filling"
"Viagra, built ram tough"
"Here's the beef!"
"Just do her."
Some honorable mentions:
"We work harder, so you don't have to" "Ten inches long... and growing."
"Viagra, when it absolutely, positively has to be there tonight"
"Viagra, home of the whopper" "Viagra, Now is a great time to be silver"
"This is your penis. This is your penis on Viagra. Any questions?"
Phrases You Can Use In A Myriad of Business Situations.

Or maybe what you'd like to say.
of view.
pronounce.
coincidental.
Subject: Traffic Violation

Traffic Violation
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down in the halls in her
wheelchair, making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the
hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but you were
speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a
little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it
over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the halls
she goes
again.
Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says "excuse me ma'am but I
saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration
please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt
and hands it to him. He looks it over, and gives her another warning and
sends her on her way. She zooms off again up and down the halls , weaving
all
over.
As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out stark naked and has
an erection. The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says "Oh no, not
the Breathalyzer again."
C.I.A.
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin.
These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a >:
lot
of testing and background checks involved before you can even be >
considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks,
training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men
and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the
extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took
one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must
know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained. "Inside this room, you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.
The man got a shocked look on his face and said "You can't be
serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
Well", says the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for
this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you
will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun
and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the
door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot
my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your
wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to
the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun. "We must be
sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances,
this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a
chair.
Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Once the door closed,
the CIA heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots.
Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging
on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the
sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded
with blanks!
I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!

13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely >ceremonial.
16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to >worship
me.
really quite busy.
public.
subject.
New Sex Pill
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in s
ex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still
experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes
at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does.
About a week later she's back at the doctor.
She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the
potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps
up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips
all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was
that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any
damages."
"Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to
that Restaurant anyway."
God on Oral Sex

After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on
Earth, St. Peter
now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?" God asked. "I'm very sorry to ha
ve to tell you this, but
the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, yo
u name it-a regular
Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According
to my survey, 88%
of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmmm," God said
thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put
an end to this sexual
perversion?"
"I think we should send a message to everyone on Earth who engages in oral sex.
The contents of that
message should tell them exactly what will happen to them on Judgment Day if th
ey do not stop this
type of activity." Replied St. Peter.
"That is an effective solution," God stated, "but I think that instead of punis
hing those who practice
oral sex, we should reward those who refrain from it. Let's send a letter that'
s personally signed by
me to each one of these good people."
And so they did.
Do you know what the letter said?
(scroll down)
No?
(scroll down a little more)
Hmmm...»
So, You didn't get the letter either, huh??
The Magic Mirror

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom do
or.
One evening,
while getting undressed, she playfully says, "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make
my
bustline forty four."
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormou
s
proportions. Excitedly,
she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says, "Mirror mirror on the door,
make my penis touch the floor!"
Again, there's a bright flash...
and his legs fall off.
Mark and Sharon
Mark and Sharon decide they don't want to discuss sex in front of their 4 and 6
year old
children, so they decide to talk in code. One day Mark is feeling a little bit
turned on and says to
Katie,
"Tell your mother I would really like to type a letter." Katie runs off to find
her mom. " Mommy,
mommy", shouts Katie, "Daddy would like to type a letter."
Sharon replies slightly sheepishly, "Katie, go and tell your daddy that he can'
t type
a letter today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
Katie tears off to her father and says, "Daddy, daddy, mommy says you can't typ
e a letter
today as there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
A few days later Sharon remembers that Mark was a little bit keen on a bit of n
ookie and
she called Katie, "Katie, tell your daddy that he can type that letter today."
Katie went off to look for her father and told him, "Daddy, mommy says you can
type the letter
today."
"Thats OK, Katie", Mark says, "You can tell your mother that I don't need the t
ypewriter any more,
I wrote the letter by hand."
Hey masturbater (to the tune of macarena)

Sitting in my house and I know that I'm alona,
Feeling kinda horny, got a jingle in my bona,
Go and grab a penthouse its the one with Sharon Stona,
Hey Masturbata
I go a little faster and its feeling kind of nicea,
Once is not enough so I have to do it twicea,
If you wanna spank the monkey I can give you good advicea,
Hey Masturbata
I use some baby oil or a little vaselina,
Laying down a towel so I keep my carpet cleana,
Never shake my hand cos you don't know where its beena,
Hey Masturbata
I do it in the car when I'm driving down the streeta,
One hand on the wheel and the other on my meata,
I can't get out the car cos I'm sticking to the seata,
Hey Masturbata
Since I was a kid I have a mastubater,
Choke the chicken, hum the knob, squeezing the tomata,
I've looked at miss november, now I'm gonna decorata,
Hey Masturbata!
Mathematics
A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that r
eads:
Dear Wife (that's what he called her):
I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel wi
th my beautiful and
sexy 18 year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as fo
llows:
Dear Husband (that's what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater
Hotel with my
handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy. You being an accountant will therefore
appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
The Most Venomous Snake in the World

NAME: "Expecteria Trouserius" (Trouser Snake)
LOCATION: Throughout the world
DESCRIPTION: Varying from pink to black. Fang-less with a highly venomous spit.
Size varies from 3
to 12 inches, depending on its mood and sub-species.
SYMPTOMS: This snake attacks mainly women in the lower frontal abdomen, resulti
ng in an
inconspicuous bump. Then a severe swelling occurs followed by excruciating pain
after nine months.
The attack is not usually fatal. It has been known to attack men in the lower p
osterior section,
resulting in an incurable disease and consequent death.
HABITAT: Usually found in bedrooms, but has been known to appear in the most un
usual places.
ANTIDOTE: Various types of vaccine available for women. However, once the venom
is injected into
the body, only drastic measures will ensure complete recovery. There is no know
n antidote for men.
* WHAT TO DO WHEN ATTACKED *
TOURNIQUET: Do not apply a tourniquet as the venom is too deep in the body to b
e affected.
CUTTING THE WOUND: This would be completely unnecessary and ineffective as the
initial
bleeding will stop after a few weeks anyhow.
SUCKING THE WOUND: This method is the most popular with the victim, but so far
has not been
reportedly successful.
MILKING THE SNAKE:
1. Place four fingers of the right hand around the neck of the reptile,with the
thumb in the front.
2. Grip firmly and move the hand in an upwards and downwards motion.
3. This will result in the snake becoming highly aggressive, starting to spit.
4. The time taken for this milking process depends entirely on the milker and t
he last known time the
snake attacked.
5. Once milked, the snake should be harmless for about 15 - 20 minutes.
CONCLUSION:
This snake, although it is very aggressive and active, is not necessarily a ver
min and when treated with
the right kind of respect, makes a wonderful pet.
Murphy's Law on Sex

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her
with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'
ll never be quite the
same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how
long it is going to
last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to
him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones
she can't stand years
later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't eith
er.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for crop failur
e.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the
trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. B
ut there is nothing
exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our s
pace program, we
would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words
to convey its full
meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he could
n't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimp
ortant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love
.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
Newt's Book of Acceptable Sexual Positions and Eroticism for

Practicing Christian Conservative Republicans
By Robert Mauro
"Sex" between consenting Christian Conservative Republican adults making over $
200,000 a year is
the wrong word for readers of this new book. "Intercourse" is closer, since it
does indeed have some
bearing in commerce and in foreign monetary exchange. Therefore, a more correct
way of describing
what legally married opposite sex Christian Conservative Republican partner's w
ho are bona fide
citizens of the United States do to reproduce the party of their choice is more
correctly stated as "a
fair exchanges of goods for services rendered."
WARNING: No portion of this book applies in any way to any illegal aliens of ei
ther sex.
Now as to acceptable sexual positions for practicing Christian Conservative Rep
ublicans. There are
many. According to Newt, the proper positions are MAN-ON-TOP, WOMAN-ON-BOTTOM,
and
variations of these. For example, a true Christian Conservative Republican can
define MAN-ON-TOP
as anything other than WOMAN-ON-TOP. This can include WOMAN-ON-BOTTOM. Perhaps
the most
popular position for most Christian Conservative Republicans is the MAN-ON-TROP
ICAL-
BEACH-WITH-FEET-UP-ON-THE-BRONZE-ASS-OF-SOME-SEXY-BABE-WITH-
EXTREMELY-LOW-IQ-BUT-EXTREMELY-LARGE-MAMMARY-GLANDS position. This is a difficu
lt
position to attain. It requires two things: a very large income and a very dumb
babe. If the man can
achieve the first, he can usually accomplish the second; however, this is becom
ing increasingly more
difficult. (See section on LORENE BOBBITT.)
Is Oral Sex acceptable for practicing Christian Conservative Republicans? Yes -
- as long as Newt
does all the talking. Terms like tit, cock, pussy, knocker, balls, cunt, or ass
should never be used --
even during the heat of passion or during an election year, or if an audio and/
or video recorder is
present. Be especially careful of your language in or around security cameras a
nd/or motel mirrors.
Rather than addressing one's external reproductive organs as above, Newt sugges
t the
Christian-Conservative-Republican-fair- exchanges-of-goods-for-services-rendere
d terminology
should be bosom, family-values jewelry box, wee-wee, mammary gland, black bag,
woo-woo, and
heine. NOTE: some Ultra-Christian Conservative Republicans like Jerry Falwell,
Pat Robertson and
Ralph Reed have said that "heine" is still not totally acceptable. Pat Robertso
n, Ralph Reed and Jerry
Falwell has suggested "third circle of hell." However, if you are one of those
rare and timid Christian
Conservative Republicans, just say "you-know-whats."
Self-pleasuring usually involves listening to Rush Limbaugh, Mary Matalin, G. G
ordon Liddy, Pat
Robertson, Pat Buchanan, or John Sanunu. This is never crudely referred to as J
erking Off by a true
Christian Conservative Republican. But it is guaranteed to make you reach a cli
max just in time for the
Snapple commercial.
For those of you who enjoy "dressing up" during "a fair exchanges of goods for
services rendered,"
Newt suggests his catalogue of Christian Conservative Republican Connubial Blis
s Clothes and
"Political" Patronage Gifts. Here you can order those hard-to-find crotchless G
rey Flannel Suits,
Eatable Red Ties, Eatable Watergate Break-in Panties, and even those Standup-Fo
r- America Red,
White and Blue Contract With America Condoms. Each, of course, generously lubri
cated with funds
from Newt's favorites PACs. You can also order Newt's GOP Cheerleader Costumes.
The man's comes
with a mask of Rush Limbaugh and the woman's with a mask of Mary Matalin. Into
bondage? Try
Newt's Trickie Dickie Watergate Co-conspirator Handcuffs. Enjoy pain? Newt sugg
ests G. Gordon
Liddy's WILL, THE BEDROOM EDITION. It comes complete with how to drop hot wax "
covertly" in
all those "sensitive," "classified" areas.
If you are into abstinence while out on that GOP campaign trail or temporarily
living with a Liberal (a
possible abomination), you might want to order the Newt-Approved Nancy Reagan J
UST SAY NO
button. Push it and it says, "Bill sucks; Hillary's a bitch! Bill sucks; Hillar
y's a bitch! Bill sucks;
Hillary's a bitch!"
If you are desperate, you can order The Newt Gingrich Safe Sex Blow Up Doll. Ju
st inflate the head,
and you are ready for evening upon evening of "getting the job done in 100 days
or less!" It may be a
bit rushed and sloppy, but, hey, as long as it feeeeeels good!
For those UNMARRIED Christian Conservative Republicans who would like to engage
in "a fair
exchanges of goods for services rendered," order Newt's Personal Responsibility
Necklace for the
woman and Newt's Personal Responsibility Red Tie for the man. Both are complete
ly eatable and at
the slightest hint of moisture and/or if the wearer and/or wearers are in a hor
izonal position, the
Necklace and/or the Tie will immediately send a satellite-relayed message to Ne
wt's carefully chosen
team of "budget" cutters who will arrive on the scene to take "appropriate acti
on" (See section on
LORENE BOBBITT). No need to worry, however, IF unmarried partners have contribu
ted at least
$1,000 to the Republican National Committee and/or GoPac.
If you like to watch videos, you can order the 18-minute Newt- Approved Richard
M. Nixon Erotic
Video, complete with 18 minutes "missing."
Finally, NEWT'S BOOK OF ACCEPTABLE SEXUAL POSITIONS AND EROTICISM FOR PRACTICIN
G
CHRISTIAN CONSERVATIVE REPUBLICANS is only available to those dull, humorless,
white male
Christian Conservative Republicans making over $200,000 a year. And for your pr
ivacy, Newt's book
is surreptitiously shipped in non-recycled brown paper and printed in highly-to
xic ink. Price is just
your soul -- and please be sure to include your heart and mind for shipping and
handling. Proceeds
from the sale of this book will go to Newt's favorite charity: GoPac.
Nicknames...
This guy walks into a bar and two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar but says
"What the heck, I really
want a drink". When the gay waiter approaches he says to the customer "What's t
he name of your
penis?".
The customer says "Look, I'm just not into that. All I want is a drink". The ga
y waiter says "I'm sorry
but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis." So the custom
er asks the man sitting to
his left who is sipping on a beer and asks "hey bud, what's the name of your pe
nis?". The gentleman
with a smile looks back and says "TIMEX".
The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "'Cause it
takes a lickin' and
keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the customer turns to the fella on his righ
t sipping on a fruity
margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"
The other gentleman turns to him and proudly exclaims "FORD". The customer thin
ks how this naming
thing works and says, "Because quality is Job 1?" The gentleman replies, "No.
Let me ask you, Have
you driven a Ford,lately?"
Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before comes up with a
name for his penis.
He turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now g
ive me my beer."
The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,
"Why secret?" The
customer says "Strong enough for a man but made for a woman."
No Sex For You

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed cou
ple wanted to join a
church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must a
bstain from having
sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to th
e elderly couple and
asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abs
tain from sex for the
two week?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to slee
p on the couch for a
couple of nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, 'Well, were you able to a
bstain from sex for
two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks." the young
man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When s
he bent over to pick
it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church." S
tated the pastor.
"That's OK." Said the young man, "We're not welcome at Safeway anymore either.
Penis Ads
The Nuprin Penis: Little, yellow, different.
The Equal Penis: Tastes like sugar.
The Excedrin Penis: It's tthhhhiiiiiiissss big.
The Sprite Penis: Image is nothing...
Taste is everything.
The Snickers Penis: It satisfies you.
The Alka Seltzer Penis: Pop, pop, fizz, fizz...
Oh, what a relief it is...
The Magnavox Penis: Smart. Very Smart.
The Life Call Penis: It's fallen and it can't get up.
The American Express Penis: Don't leave home without it.
The Tootsie Roll Pop Penis: How many licks DOES it take...?
The Pringles Penis: Once you pop, you can't stop.
The m&m Penis: Melts in your mouth, not in your hand.
The Frosted Flakes Penis: It's GGGRRRRRREEEEAAAAATTT!
The Lucky Charms Penis: It's magically delicious.
The Energizer Penis: It keeps going and going.
The Metra Penis: The way to REALLY fly.
The Right Guard Penis: Anything less is uncivilized.
The Jolly Green *Giant* Penis: self-explanatory
The Campbells Soup Penis: Mmm, mmm, good.
The Purple Pickle Penis: Heh, heh.
The kix Penis: Kid tested, mother approved.
The McDonald's Penis: Over 8 billion served.
The McDonald's Penis II: Have you had your break today?
The Tombstone Penis: What would you like on your penis?
The Ragu Penis: Comes out chunkier than the rest.
The Chips Ahoy Penis: Betcha bite a chip.
The Cobain Penis: It blows itself away.
The Purdue Penis: More meat, less bone.
The All State Penis: You're in good hands. (huh?)
The 7-up Penis: The UN-penis.
The Nike Penis: Just do it.
The Borden Penis: It's GOT to be good.
The Barq's Penis: The one with bite.
The Beef Penis: It's what's for dinner.
The Bud Lite Penis: Great taste, less filling.
The Subway Penis: Where fresh is the taste.
The Kentucky Fried Chicken Penis: Everybody needs a little.
The Life Penis: Mikey likes it.
The Transformers Penis: It's more than meets the eye.
The Twizzler Penis: It makes mouths happy.
The Nintendo Penis: Now you're playing with power.
The Sega Penis: PENIS!
The Robitussin Penis: Used by nine out of ten moms.
The Robutussin Penis II: Recommended by Dr. Mom...
The Crest Penis: Recommended by 3 out of 4 dentists.
The Champion Penis: The official penis of the '96 U.S.A. Olympic team.
The Starburst Penis: The juice is loose.
The Toyota Penis: I love what you do for me.
The THX penis: Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
The Citibank Visa Penis: It's everywhere you want to be.
The Timex Penis: It takes a lickin' and keeps on.......
The Burger King Penis: Have it your way.
The Dairy Queen Penis: Hot eats, cool treats. (We treat you right.)
The Army Penis: Be all that you can be.
The Uncle Sam Penis: We want you.
The Milk Penis: It does a body good. (Got penis?)
The Flintstone's Vitamins Penis: 10 million strong and growing.
The Wendy's Penis: Where's the beef? (Not going to get many customers with this
one!)
The Wizard of Oz Penis: "Oh my!"
The Captain Planet penis: Go PENIS!!
The Folger's Crystals Penis: It's freeze dried to seal in the freshness. AND--t
he best part of waking
up is a penis in your cup.
The Lays Penis: Betcha can't eat just one.
The Mr. Clean Penis: Is it wet or is it dry?
The Diet Coke Penis: Just for the taste of it...
The Doublemint Penis: Chewing really satisfies.
The Juicyfruit Penis: The taste is gonna move ya.
The Big Red Penis: It's longer with big red.
The Matthew Sweet Penis: 100% fun.
The Millikin Penis: Big blue.
The Neon Penis: Hi.
The little caesar's Penis: Penis!! Penis!! or Pleaser! Pleaser!
The generic Penis: One size fits all.
The Rave music Penis: Ya'll ready for this?
The Mortal Kombat Penis: Nothing can prepare you.
The Bounty Penis: The quicker picker-upper.
The Pizza Hut Penis: Makin' it great.
The Street Fighter II Penis: Matt, stop, you're getting too good at this.
The Bounce Penis: With Static-Guard!
The Domino's Pizza Penis: Delivers in 30 min or less.
The Monty Python Penis: "Isn't awfully nice to have a penis?"
The Monty Python Penis II: "Every sperm is sacred...."
The Budweiser Penis: This bud's for you.
The Siskel & Ebert Penis: 2 thumbs up...
The Lava Lamp Penis: Hee, hee, hee!!!!!
The George of the Jungle Penis: Watch out for that.......tree?
The Nyquil Penis: The nighttime coughing, sneezing, runny-nose, itching, burnin
g, so you can't rest
penis.
The Rice Krispies Penis: What does your penis say to you?
The Extra Penis: It lasts an extra, extra, extra, long time.
The Wonder Bubbles Penis: Magic wand inside!
The Wonder Bubbles Penis II: For ages 3 and up.
The Phantom of the Opera Penis: Music of the night.
The Webster's Thesaurus Penis: How many words are there for penis?
The Charmin Penis: Don't squeeze the penis!
The Sears Penis: Come see the brighter side.
The Jewel Penis: Take a new look at an old friend.
The C+C Music Factory penis: Makes you go hmmmmm...
The Rick James Penis: It's SUPERFREAKY.
The Gilette Penis: The best a man can get.
The Charmin Double Roll Penis: It lasts longer because it IS longer.
The Bacardi Penis: Taste the feeling.
The Macintosh Penis: Power is everything.
The Borg Penis: Resistance is futile.
The Edge Shaving Cream Penis: Ultimate closeness, ultimate comfort.
The Beatles Penis: Now a quarter smaller than it used to be.
The oasis Penis: Thinks it's the beatles penis.
The Jell-O Penis: Look at it wiggle, look at it jiggle.
The Virginia Slims Penis: You've come a long way, baby.
The AT&T Penis: Reach out and touch someone.
The Highlander Penis: In the end, there can be only one.
The Secret Penis: Strong enough for a man, ph balanced for a woman.
The Micro Machines Penis: A whole world, in the palm of your hand.
The Ertl Penis: Just like the real thing, only smaller.
The Sanka Penis: Good to the last drop.
The L'Eggo Penis: Leggo my penis!
The Skittles Penis: Taste the penis.
The Bic Lighter Penis: Go ahead, flic my penis.
Period
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something ex
citing and relate it
to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their
reports, the teacher was
calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, k
nowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to
the front of the class,
and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat b
ack down. Well the
teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on somethin
g exciting, so she
asked him just what that was.
"It's a period" reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that" she said. "but what is
so exciting about a
period."
"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed on
e. then Daddy had a
heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
Purity Test
Get One Point for each no. The More No's the better ( or Worse--Who knows)
So far the top score of my friends is 26.
"MOS" Stands for Member of the Opposite Sex.
Good Luck!
Have you ever...
1. told a dirty joke to an MOS
2. had a date
3. been out on a date after 4 AM
4. had a blind date
5. danced cheek to cheek
6. kissed an MOS
7. kissed an MOS in the horizontal position
8. kissed an MOS in the last 3 months
9. kissed an MOS underwater (showers don't count)
10.been French kissed
11.kissed/been kissed on the breast
12.kissed/been kissed on the thigh
13.been aroused (actually says had an erection but was changed to fit women)
14.necked
15.necked for more than 2 consecutive hours
16.reached orgasm while necking
17.sucked on somebody's fingers/toes
18.had somebody suck on your fingers/toes
19.seen a pornographic book/magazine
20.seen a pornographic movie
21.committed an act of voyeurism (consciously/purposely watched 2 (or more)
people going at it)
22.had an alcoholic drink
23.been drunk
24.used alcohol to lower an MOS's resistance to sexual activity
25.smoked tobacco
26.smoked marijuana or hash
27.used a stronger drug
28.fondled a woman's breast/been fondled
29.caressed an MOS's thigh
30.fondled an MOS's buttocks
31.fondled an MOS's genitalia
32.had your genitals fondled
33.done/had done a clitoral stimulation
34.had an orgasm due to manipulation by an MOS
35.gone through the motions of intercourse while fully dressed
36.massaged or been massaged by an MOS
37.showered, bathed, or saunaed with an MOS
38.been undressed by an MOS
39.undressed an MOS
40.had sexual intercourse (your score is about to go way up if you're a
virgin)
41.had sexual intercourse outdoors
42.had sexual intercourse more than 10 times
43.had sexual intercourse with a virgin
44.had sexual intercourse 3 or more times in one night
45.had sexual intercourse in 3 or more positions
46.had sexual intercourse in a car
47.had sexual intercourse with 2 MOS's in the same 24 hours
48.had sexual intercourse with someone other than the one you lost your
virginity to
49.had sexual intercourse using a condom
50.had sexual intercourse without a condom
51.had sexual intercourse at an MOS's house
52.had sexual intercourse within the last 3 months
53.had sexual intercourse while swimming
54.had sexual intercourse while another person was asleep in the same room
55.had anal intercourse
56.impregnated a woman/been impregnated
57.arranged/had an abortion
58.gone on/been the object of a nookie run over 100 miles (have you gone over 1
00 miles to fool
around/have sex with someone or has someone done same to be with you) 59.had/ g
iven someone a
hickey
60.described a sexual experience to a third party
61.committed incest
62.attended an orgy
63.committed statutory rape (ahem... Leonard?!?!?)
64.committed forcible rape (you should be shot)
65.been propositioned by a prostitute or pimp
66.accepted above
67.engaged in cunnilingus (oral sex)
68.engaged in fellatio
69.??????? Well????
70.masturbated
71.masturbated with another person in the room
72.masturbated to a picture
73.been caught masturbating
74.watched another person masturbate
75.been propositioned by a homosexual
76.accepted the above
77.been masturbated by a member of same sex
78.been orally stimulated by member of same sex
79.had sexual intercourse with homosexual/bisexual MOS
80.lived in a coed room with 3 or more occupants (for at least a week)
81.displaced (sexiled) your roommate due to the visit of an MOS for the
night
82.committed an OOPS! (barging in on an embarassing situation)
83.been OOPSed on
84.spent the night in an MOS's room or apartment
85.slept with an MOS
86.wrestled with an MOS
87.had an STD test due to reasonable suspicion
88.had an STD
89.had passion cramps (been really really frustrated)
90.photographed/allowed yourself to be photographed or videotaped while
performing sexual acts
91.worn an MOS's underwear
92.committed beastiality
93.tasted semen
94.simulated intercourse with an inanimate object
95.licked an MOS's anus/had yours licked by an MOS
96.played coed strip ________ (coed strip anything)
97.had an orgasm in a dream (this one is so sexist)
98.experimented sexually before puberty
99.purchased contraceptives in a drugstore
100.committed an act of exhibitionism
Putting Words In Mouth
This man finally after 1 year of being with his girlfriend finally realizes how
much he loves her.... So,
he wants to do something for her that no one has ever done for her.... So, he g
oes to a tattoo parlor
and tells the man who works there that he wants him to tattoo "I LOVE YOU" on h
is penis. Well, the
man looks at him and says " can I ask you why"? The man tells him why and the t
attoo artists says well
its your money and does it.... That night be picks up his girlfriend and brings
her to a beautiful
restaurant and dines her so romantically and tells her that he has something fo
r her that she will never
believe that he did.... She says whatever.... Since he hasn't done shit for her
so far she thought who
cares... Well after dinner they go back to his place and he dims the lights, pu
ts on some nice slow
music and walks back to the couch and sits beside her and tells her I want to s
how you what I did for
you... So he pulls down his pants and shows her.. Well she screams out " NO NO
NO NO.. I KNOW
WHAT YOUR TRYING TO DO.... YOUR TRYING TO PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH"...............
.....
Quickies
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q: Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"
Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Q: If there is H3O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is
on the outside?
A: K9P.
Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got
laid a minute ago."
Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.
Q: What's another name for pickled bread?
A: Dill-dough
Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snowblower coming.
Research...
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's
penis was larger
than the shaft. After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason
the head was larger
than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, Germany decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman
more pleasure during sex.
Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 wee
ks and a cost of
around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off
and hitting him in the
forehead.
Running Bear
Running Bear woke up one morning to discover that he was a man. As such, he ded
uced, he would
require a woman. So he trekked on over to the Medicine Man's teepee to requisit
ion a woman.
"What you want, Running Bear?" queried the Medicine Man.
"Running Bear want woman!"
"Hmmm," said the Medicine Man, "do you know what to do with a woman once you've
got her?"
"Uh," said Running Bear, "no..."
"Then go into the woods for two months. Find a tree with a hole in it, and prac
tice on the tree. Once
you have perfected your technique with the tree, come back to me and I will giv
e you a woman."
Running Bear agreed, and set off into the woods. Sure enough, he found a tree w
ith the appropriately
sized hole, and began his two months of practice.
Two months later, he returned to the Medicine Man with pride in his eyes.
"Okay," he said to the Medicine Man, "me know what to do. Give me woman."
The Medicine Man nodded and brought a pretty young squaw from the back of the t
eepee. "Little
Flower," he said to her, "you now belong to Running Bear. Do as he asks."
Running Bear and Little Flower then retire to a vacant teepee where Running Bea
r instructs her to
bend over. She shrugs and complies. Running Bear then gives her a swift kick in
the ass.
"Hey!" cried Little Flower. "What did you do that for?"
"Me no stupid," explained Running Bear, "Me check for bees first."
The Seven Peeping Dwarfs

One evening Snow White decided she was sleepy and announced to the seven dwarfs
that she was
going to bed. After the usual lengthy round of "Good Nights" she went upstairs.
Immediately all seven
dwarfs rushed outside and began standing on each others shoulders beneath Snow
White's bedroom
window. Tonight was Grumpy's turn to be on the top and as he was the only one w
ho could see in the
window it was his duty to inform the other dwarfs what she was doing.
After a minute or two he hollered down, "She's taking off her blouse!" and this
as echoed down the
stack "taking off her blouse," "she's taking off her blouse,""blouse is coming
off," "taking off her
blouse," etc.
Next Grumpy yelled, "She's taking off her skirt," which was followed by the ech
oes "taking off her
skirt," "she's taking off her skirt," "skirt's coming off," "taking off her ski
rt," etc.
Of course the next line from Grumpy was, "She's taking off her bra!" and the ec
ho chorus went down
the line. Then, "She's taking off her panties!" which again cascaded down the d
warf tower.
Finally Grumpy looked around and from his vantage height saw someone coming thr
ough the woods so
he yelled, "Someone's coming!" and from the next dwarf to the bottom dwarf was
heard, "Me too."
"Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too." "Me too."
Sex Help
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex li
fe, but always promised
not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.
The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, ps
ychological exams,
and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I
can help you.
"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes
and some
doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you
make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must cr
awl to her like a
leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.
"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss t
hem at your husband
until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must cra
wl to him and consume
the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.
They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor.
The doctor greeted
the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could hel
p them; so he
conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take yo
ur money. I believe
your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.
"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now
please, please help
us."
"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at
the grocery store and
buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."
Sex Q & A
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q:What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What do you call a Flordia gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives' tails...
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: What is the area between the vagina and the anus called?
A: A chin rest.
Q: How can you tell a sumo wrestler from a feminist?
A: A Sumo wrestler shaves his legs.
Q: What's the difference between a bandleader and a gynecologist?
A: A bandleader fucks his singers and a gynecologist sucks his fingers.
Q: What do you call a female midget who's nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!
Q: What do cow pies and cowgirls have in common?
A: The older they get the easier they are to pick up.
Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What is Rodeo Sex?
A: Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced
from the rear with a
breast in each hand, and you say to her, "This is the way your sister likes it
too." You have eight
seconds to stay in the saddle.
Q: Did you hear about the new "morning after" pill for men?
A: It changes their blood type.
Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can't?
A: Come in eight flavors.
Q: What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: "Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
Q: Do you know why it's called sex?
A: Because it's easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh...Ahhhhhh....AIIEEEEEEE!!
Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
Q: Do you know what the square root of 69 is?
A: Ate something. (8.xxxxxxx....)
Q: But do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing fucked up by a period.
Q: What is 69 squared?
A: Dinner for 4.
Q: What is 68?
A: You do me and I owe you one.
Q: What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex?
A: During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chic
ken.
Q: What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?
A: A teabag.
Q: What is the difference between "Oooh!" and "Aaah!"?
A: About three inches.
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do yo
u have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to
have 2 hours of sex,
how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants!
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob!
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.
Q: When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout?
A: When he eats his first Brownie.
A Shipwreck
A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a deserted island. After a few days he de
cides to take the dog
and reconnoiter the island. He discovers that the only other inhabitants are sh
eep. He recalls how his
farm buddies would brag how they would screw sheep for kicks and he says to hi
mself: "I'll never
be that desperate."
Sooooo, a few weeks later he can't get those sheep out of his mind, and soon he
's sneaking up on the
flock. Just as he is about to pounce on a really cute one, the dog grabs his l
eg and won't let go. He
snaps out of it, and thanks the dog for keeping him from making a fool of himse
lf.
This same scene happens every night for a month and the guy starts to get reall
y pissed at the dog.
Then one day, the man spies a life-raft bobbing in the surf. In the raft is a
beautiful young girl,
barely alive. He takes her back to his hut, revives her and nurses her to heal
th. After a few days the
girl is feeling fine, and that evening a rush of gratitude sweeps over her....
She confronts the man: "I owe you my life. I'm yours forever. I'll do anythi
ng you want"
"Anything?"
"Anything!!"
"OK, hold that dog for ten minutes!!!"
A Short Joke
A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some preli
minary drinks and talk,
they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally got organized for a leg over
. After a few
minutes, the girl started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amus
ing.
"Your organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side."
Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in cathedrals."
Skateboard
Bill, Frank, and Rod were waiting for entrance into Heaven. St. Peter walked up
to Bill and asked,
"How many times did you cheat on your wife, and remember, I will know the truth
." Bill thought for a
moment and replied, "Well, sir, it must be around 40 times." "Fine," said St. P
eter, "you may enter
Heaven but you will be driving that little yellow Honda over there."
St. Peter approached Frank and asked the same question. Frank answered, "Sir, I
do believe it
couldn't have been more than 20 times. "Good," said St. Peter, "you may enter H
eaven, also, and you
will be driving the red Corvette.
St. Peter stepped up to Rod and repeated the question. Without pause, Rod answe
red, "Never!" St.
Peter peered at him quizzically and said, "Never?" "I have never been unfaithfu
l to my wife, sir" he
replied. "Excellent," stated St. Peter. "You may enter Heaven and you will be d
riving that gold Rolls
Royce."
Grinning from ear to ear, Rod approaches the car, but when he reaches the car,
he suddenly lays his
head on the roof and begins to cry. St. Peter rushes over and asks, "What's the
matter? You have
never cheated on you wife, you've gained entrance into Heaven, and you will be
driving a Rolls Royce
for the rest of eternity." Rod replied between sobs, "See that woman over there
on the skateboard?
That's my wife!"
Some Sex is Better than Nun

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Ed
wards had
prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sis
ter Magdalene
Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John's nakedness if she could he
lp it, do whatever he
told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath
had done. "Oh
sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when
Fr. John was
soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he gui
ded my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven"
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdelene continued, "And Fr. John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my
lock, the portals of
Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal pe
ace. And then
Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact," said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Fr. John said the pathway to salvation was ofte
n painful and that the
glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so goo
d being saved."
"That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, a
nd I've been blowing it
for 40 years!
DIRTY SHEETS
A modest man is in the hospital for a series of tests. One of the l

ast tests
has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to t
he
bathroom he decided the latest was another and stayed put. He then f
illed
his bed with human waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could
possibly face.
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed shee
ts,
and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him.
He
started yelling, cussing, and swinging his arms wildly which left th
e soiled
sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guar
d who
had watched the whole incident walked up and asked "What the hell w
as
that all about?"
Still staring down, the drunk replied: "I just beat the shit out of
a ghost!"
Grandma Bought a Bumper Sticker
The other day I went to the local religious book store where
I saw a "Honk if you really love Jesus" bumper sticker. I
bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car, and I'm
really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection just lost
in thought about the Lord and didn't notice that the light had
changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of
people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk
like crazy. He must really love the Lord
because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could. Why, it was like a
football game with him shouting, "Go, Jesus Christ, Go!"
Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window,
waved and smiled to all those loving people.
There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I
could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw
him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up
in the air.
I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They

kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled, and told me
that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the
window and gave him the good luck sign back.
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the
moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the
light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It's a good thing I
did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection.
I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window,
gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign
as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!
THE WEB
The 12-Step Program for W.A.S.
(Web Addict Survivors)
Join now ... no dues!
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper
like I use to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typ
ing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,

and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friend
s
and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone whom I cannot contact via the Web
.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop tellin
g
them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it
is
necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balan

ce
my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed some
time ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
There is a small rural town, somewhat northeast to the city of Niagara

Falls, NY. One evening, a resident of the town called the local volunt
eer
fire department to request assistance in removing her cat from a tree.
Since this was a "questionable" call, the fire control dispatcher call
ed
the fire chief at home to ask if he wanted to respond. The chief said
sure, call out the department, since it was early evening and it shoul
dn't
be a problem for the volunteers to respond.
The fire department responded with a rescue truck which had an extensi
on
ladder. The tree, however, was too tall and willowy to support the wei
ght
of the extension ladder. Rather than send men back to the fire hall to
bring the aerial ladder truck, one of the firefighters suggested an
alternate course of action. Two of the firefighters supported the ladd
er
while a third climbed high enough to tie a rope around the tree at abo
ut
half its height.
The other end of the rope was tied to a trailer hitch on a pickup truc
k,
with the truck slowly driven forward, forcing the tree to bend over. O
ne
firefighter was poised to grab the cat as soon as it was within his re
ach.
The knot securing the rope to the trailer hitch slipped free.
The cat was last seen airborne heading south toward the city of Niagar
a
Falls ... (and was never seen again).
The Canonical List of Outrageous Country/Western Song Titles/Lines

"If Love Were Oil, I'd Be A Quart Low"
"If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will"
"Learning to Live Again is Killing Me."
"May The Bird of Paradise Fly Up Your Nose"
"My Every Day Silver Is Plastic"
"My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, and I Don't Love Jesus"
"My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him"
"Oh, I've Got Hair Oil on My Ears, and My Glasses are Slipping Down, but
Baby I
Can See Through You."
Drinking
And lets not forget that consumption of alcohol makes you think you'd "never"
do any of the things listed !
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have
accepted the Medical Association's suggestion that the following
warning labels be placed immediately on all beer containers:
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are { whispering }
when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a { wanker }.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same { boring } story
over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like { thish }.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that { ex-lovers } are
really dying for you to telephone them at 4am in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the { hell }
happened to your trousers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can { logically }
converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have { mystical } Kung Fu
powers.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the { morning }
and see something really scary (whose name and/ or species you {can't } remembe
r)
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of { inexplicable rug } bur
ns
on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you { are }tougher,
handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy { named } FRANZ.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are { invisible }.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the { time-space }continu
um,
whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappea
r.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are { laughing } WI
TH you.
Bill & Saddam

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of
talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on
the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A
boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.
A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out
and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries
on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two
countries.
But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks
Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much
without them functioning well. "I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi.
"We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two
men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares
himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing
happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button.
Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing
happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
Cheating Husband
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down
to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the
vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to
her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up
in her apartment. After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh
no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"
She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and
then he goes home.
His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed. "Where the
hell have you been?!?!"
"Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were
closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great lookin
g
chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended
up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"
She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You
went bowling again!!!"
Chinese Herbalist
A sailor has sex with a Hong Kong hooker and a week later he goes to a doctor
because his penis has turned yellow, purple and green. The doctor takes a look
and says, "Well, it's pretty bad. We'll have to amputate." "No way!", says the
sailor. He runs out and thinks, "Hmm... Chinese girl - Chinese doctor." So, he
goes to Chinatown and finds a Chinese herbalist. The herbalist takes a look.
The sailor says, "Hey doc, the previous doctor said he'd have to amputate."
Chinese herbalist said, "Oh no. No need amputate. Two - three days - fall off al
l
by itself!"
Computer Safe Sex

One day while returning to my desk after a routine call, a young lady flagged
me down and asked for help. "My floppy drive won't work, can you help me ?"
I told her I'd take a look and proceeded over to her machine, where I found a
shredded up clear plastic Baggie-like stuff hanging out of her 3.5" floppy drive
.
While I spent the next 20 minutes getting her disk out and digging out the
plastic, I noticed two guys in the corner of the office trying awful hard to kee
p a
straight face. Suspecting some mischief, I asked her how the plastic got into
thedrive.
"Oh, you mean the condom!"
"Condom???"
"Yes, John & Dave over there told me to always put a condom on my disk
before inserting it, to prevent catching viruses"
By this point John & Dave were roaring and it was all I could do to keep from
joining them. The "condom" turned out to be a standard 3.5" plastic sleeve. I
delicately explained to her that a practical joke had been played and she
shouldn't do that anymore.
Then she asked (as serious as could be) "Does that mean I don't have to stroke
it ten times or blow on it either???"
First Time
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend tha
t,
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip t
o
the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy,
a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because
he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfrien
d
at the door.
"I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents ar
e
seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had
no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."
Fred
Fred was going to go fishing the next morning, so his wife asked if she could
come along. He said "no!" because she wouldn't wake up that early. She said
that she would get up early. Fred said "okay, but if your not awake on time you
have to give me a cock suck or I give it to you up the ass." She agreed.
In the morning she wasn't awake when Fred got up. So he gave her some time.
When he was all ready she was still sleeping. He woke her up and said "it's a
blow job or I give it to you up the ass." She said she would give him a blow job
.
She was sucking his cock and took her lips off and said this tastes like shit!
Fred said "the dogs didn't want to get up either."
YUPPY's
A yuppy opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit
the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the
scene, the yuppy was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious
BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the
officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even
notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaad...", replied the yuppy, finally noticing the bloody left
shoulder where his arm once was, "where's my Rolex!!!!!"
Cocktail Party
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing
your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am,
I married the wrong man."
Woman driver's
A woman driving in Chicago stopped at a red light. However, when
the light turned green she stayed where she was. When the light had
changed several times and she didn't move, a cop asked, "Lady,
ain't we got any colors you like?"
And It Was So
God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly fro
m dusk
to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intell
igence.
You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please,
give me no more than 20." And it was so.
Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwell
ings of Man,
to whom you will be his greatest companion.
You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."
And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much.
Please, no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey.
You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot.
You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."
And the monkey responded,
"Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much.
Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."
And it was so.
Finally, God created Man and told him,

"You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth.
You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world
.
You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."
And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refu
sed,
and the 10 years the monkey rejected."
And it was so.
And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man,

then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his
back.
Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog,
guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then,
in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey,
acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren.
And it is so !!
The computer user

The population of this country is 18 million. 8
million are retired.
That leaves 10 million to do the work. There are 6
million in school,
which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there
are 1.5 million
unemployed, leaving 2.5 million to do the work. Take
from that
1,180,000 people who work for government departments
and that leaves
1,320,000 people to do the work. 480,000 are in the
armed forces, which
leaves
840,000 to do the work. At any time, there are 179,000
people in
hospitals, leaving 661,000 people to do the work. At
the moment, there
are 660,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two
people to do the work.
You and me. And you're sitting at your computer
reading jokes.
*~~TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND~~*

During the past year I have tried to make love to you
365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an
average of once every ten days. The following is a
list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move
*~~TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND~~*
I think you have things a little confused. Here are
the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in
the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty
book
98 times you were too busy watching football,
baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid
still was because you missed and were screwing the
sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the
ceiling, what I said was , "Would you prefer me on my
back or kneeling?" The time you felt me move was
because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
A blonde and a brunette are walking down the street and pass a
flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying
flowers.
She sighs and says, "Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers
again... for no reason."
The blonde looks quizzically at her and says, "What's the big deal,
don't you like getting flowers?"
The brunette says, "Oh sure... but he always has expectations after
getting me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next
three days on my back with my legs in the air."
The blonde looks at her for a moment, and then says
"Don't you have a vase?"
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly check-up. When it was finished, she aske
d her gynecologist how everything was. He said he was pleased and that
she was in great shape, and that she was pregnant.
"No way!" she exclaimed, but he assured her she was most definitely pregnant. Sh
e stormed out of the examining room, grabbed the
receptionist's phone and dialed the private line in the Oval Office. When Bill a
nswered the phone, she shouted,
"I can't believe it! I'm pregnant! You got me
> pregnant!" The president didn't say anything, and she screamed,
"Didn't you hear me?? I'm pregnant! You got me pregnant!"
> Hesitantly, the president asked,
"Um...who is this?"
Differences between good girls and bad girls.
Good girls loosen a few buttons when it's hot.
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons.
Good girls wax their floors.
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.
Good girls blush during sex scenes in a movie.
Bad girls know they could do it better.
Good girls wear white cotton panties.
Bad girls don't wear any.
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls.
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls.
Good girls only own one credit card and rarely use it.
Bad girls only own one bra and rarely use it.
Good girls pack their toothbrush.
Bad girls pack their diaphragms.
Good girls wear high heels to work.
Bad girls wear high heels to bed.
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have sex.
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place.
Good girls prefer the missionary position.
Bad girls do too, but only for starters.
Good girls say 'no'.
Bad girls say 'when?
Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each w
ith the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins. The
first says,
"I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bul
l got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground,
by the horns, with my bare hands."
The second can't stand to be bested.
"Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot r
attler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake w
ith my bare hands, bit its head off, and sucked the poison down in one gulp. And
I'm still here today."
The third cowboy remained silent, slowly stirring the coals with his penis.
A doctor at an asylum decides to take his inmates to a baseball game.

For a couple of weeks in advance, he coaches his patients to respond to his comm
ands. When the day of the game arrives, everything seems to be going well. As th
e national anthem starts, the doctor yells "Up, nuts!" and the inmates comply by
standing up. After the anthem he yells "Down Nuts!" and they all sit. After a h
ome run he yells "Cheer nuts!" And they all break into applause
and cheer. Thinking things are going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot
-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returns there's a riot in progres
s! Finding his assistant, he asks what happened. The assistant replies
"Well... everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!"
An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she w
as there, she replied:
"I`d like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said:
"Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you ha
ve for birth control pills?"
The woman responded:
"They help me sleep."
The doctor thought some more and continued:
"How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said:
"I put them in my granddaughter`s orange juice every morning and I sleep better
at night!"
Cool insults for immediate use

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!
Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?
At least there'e one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap -- always closed!
You are a man of the world -- and you know what sad shape the world is in.
He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar territory.
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.
He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!
He is listed in Who's Who as What's That?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
He is so short, when it rains he is always the last one to know.
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
How come you're here? I thought the zoo is closed at night!
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
How much refund do you expect on your head now that it's empty.
How would you like to feel the way you look?
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
I can't talk to you right now; tell me,where will you be in the next 10 years?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek; it's just as ugly.
I don't know who you are, but whatever you are, I'm sure everyone will agree wit
h me.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should I take all the credit?
I can't seem to remember your name, and please don't help me!
I don't even like the people you're trying to imitate, if you are at all.
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you to take the blame!
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody could be!
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!
Why are you so stupid today? Anyway, I think that's very typical of you.
Betty is hired to play her trumpet on the score of a movie, and she
's
excited. She's especially thrilled because she got to take two long
solos.
After the sessions, which went great, Betty can't wait to see the
finished product. She asked the producer where and when he could catch
the film.
A little embarrassed, the producer explained that the music was for a
porno flick that will be out in a month, and he told Betty where she
can go to see it.
A month later, Betty , with her collar up and wearing dark sunglasses,
went to the theatre where the picture is playing. She walked in and
sat way in the back, next to an elderly couple who also seem to be
disguised and hiding. The movie started, and it was the filthiest,
most perverse porno flick ever...group sex, S&M, golden showers...and
then, halfway through, a dog got in on the action.
Before anyone could blink an eye, the dog has had sex with all the
women - in every orifice - and most of the men. Embarrassed, Betty
turned to the old couple and whispered, "I'm only here for the music."
The woman turned to Betty and whispered back, "That's okay, we're here
to see our dog."
A doctor, an accountant and an attorney were stranded on a

deserted island. One day, a bottle was swept to shore and all
three were there to pick it up and open it. A Genie popped out
(naturally) and declared, "I can grant three wishes for my release
from the bottle, since there are three of you, I will grant one
wish to each of you.
The doctor spoke up first. "I miss my home and my family, I
wish I was back home in New York." He disappeared immediately.
The accountant becomes so excited, he jumps up and down and
yells, "I miss my home, and all my friends, too - I wish I was
back home in Los Angeles." He also disappeared.
The attorney is is just standing in a daze looking a bit glum.
The Genie urges him, "Look, I've been in that bottle 200 years,
I'm ready to get going. What is it that you want?"
The attorney, still in a daze slowly replies, "Aww, gee. I
really miss those guys already. I sure wish they were back here
with me."
>
> > > A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other on the long
> flight
> > > from Melbourne to Perth.
> > > The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a
> fun
> > > game.
> > > The blonde just wants to sleep so she politely declines and faces
> the
> > > window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains
> that the
> > > game
> > > is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a
> question and
> > if
> > > you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and vice versa".
> > > Again she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The
> lawyer,
> > now
> > > somewhat agitated says, "Okay, if you don't know the answeryou pay
> me $5
> > > and
> > > if I don't know the answer I will pay you $500". This catches the
> > > blonde's
> > > attention and figuring that there will be no end to this torment
> unless
> > > she
> > > plays, agrees to the game.
> > > The lawyer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the
> earth
> > > to
> > > the moon?" The blonde does not say a word, reaches into her purse,
> pulls
> > > out
> > > a $5 note and hands it to the lawyer.
> > > Now it is the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a
> hill
> > > with
> > > three legs and comes down with four?"
> > > The lawyer throws her a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
> computer
> > and
> > > searches all his references. Frustrated, he sends emails all his
> > > co-workers
> > > and friends, all to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde
> and
> > > hands
> > > her $500.
> > > The blonde politely takes the $500 then turns away to get back to
> sleep.
> > > The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
> asks,
> > > "Well, what's the answer?"
> > > Without a word the blonde reaches into her purse and hands the
> lawyer $5
> > > and
> > > goes to sleep.
> > >
_______________
>
>> This is indeed a good exchange.
>>
>> A Frenchman is calmly having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants,
bread
>> and butter) when a typical American man, eating chewing gum, sits down
>> next to him.
>>
>> The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a
>> conversation.
>>
>> American: "Do you eat the whole bread?"
>>
>> French (in a bad mood): "Of course."
>>
>> American: "We don't. We only eat what is inside and the crusts we
collect
>> in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them
>> to France."
>>
>> The Frenchman listens in silence.
>>
>> The American insists: "Do you eat jam with the bread?"
>>
>> French: "Of course."
>>
>> American: "We don't. We eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel,
>> seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
>> and
>> sell the jam to France."
>>
>> The Frenchman then asks: "And what do you do with condoms once you used
>> them?"
>>
>> American: "We throw them away, of course."
>>
>> French: "We don't. We put them in a container, recycle them, transform
>> them into chewing gum and sell it to America."
>>
>> (As the French would say, Touchee!)
There once was an accountant who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked with. In fact, she
made sure every job she did resulted in a win-win situation.
One day while she was walking down the street she was tragically hit
by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived in heaven where she was met
at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in,
though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've
never had an accountant make it this far and we're not really sure
what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the accountant.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven."
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the accountant in an elevator and it went
down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the accountant found
herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of
her were all her friends - fellow accountants that she had worked
with, and they were all dressed in evening gowns and tuxedos and were
cheering for her. They kissed her on both cheeks and talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to
the country club where she enjoyed a delicious steak and lobster
dinner. She met the Devil, who was actually a really nice guy (and
kind of cute) and she had a wonderful time telling jokes and dancing.
The accountant was having such a good time, but before she knew it was
time to leave.
Everyone hugged her and waved goodbye as she got back on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and when the doors opened she was back at
the Pearly Gates, and there was St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's
time for you to spend a day in Heaven."
So the accountant spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds
and playing the harp and singing. She had a good time, but before she
knew it her time was up, and St. Peter came to get her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now you must
choose where you want to be for eternity."
The accountant paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never
thought I'd say this. I mean, Heaven was really great and all, but I
had a much better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the accountant
went down-down-down to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a
desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth.
She saw her friends dressed in rags, and they were picking up garbage
and putting it in sacks. The Devil, looking a lot less appealing than
he did before, came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the accountant. "Yesterday I was here
and there was golf and a country club and we ate lobster and steak and
we danced and had a wonderful time. Now there is only this wasteland
of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're staff."
>There's nothing like an interesting first date!...

>
>This story was really on the Jay Leno show.
>
>He went into the audience to find the most embarrassing
first date that a
>woman ever had. Well the winner told about her first date
experience.
>
>She said it was snowing and cold and the guy took her
skiing. It was a day
>trip (no overnight). They were strangers, and truly had
never met before.
>
>Well, the date went OK, till they were coming back that
afternoon. They
>were going along in the car and she had to pee real bad,
but it was still
>about an hour more back to civilization. He said she should
try to hold it,
>and she did, . . . for a while. But it finally came to the
point where she
>told him that he could either stop and let her pee beside
the road, or in
>the front seat of his car.
>
>They stopped and she went out beside the car and pulled her
pants down and
>started. Well, she didn't have real good balance, so she
sort of let her
>butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. He was
a real
>gentleman and looked the other way.
>
> When she was finished, she quickly noticed that her warm
butt had stuck
>to
>the fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handle
nightmares
>immediately came to mind and she soon realized that she had
a real problem.
>She was thinking of every way she could to get released
from his fender. He
>was getting a bit concerned too, and finally called out to
her asking if
>she was OK. Well, with a red face, she said she was
freezing her butt off!
>
>She finally had to ask for assistance. Now this isn't the
worst of the
>story, there's more to come. She took off her sweater and
covered herself
>as good as she could and asked him to came around to see if
he could help.
>
>After the laughter subsided, they assessed the situation.
They had a real
>problem. They agreed that they needed something warm to
melt her butt off
>of the fender. Thinking about the pee that she just
sprinkled on the ground
>made her think that pee is about the only thing that they
had that could
>get her free.
>
>Well, after exploring every other possible solution, she
looked the other
>way, and so did he, and proceeded unzip his pants and pee
her butt off the
>fender. The rest of the trip home there wasn't much
conversation.
>
>True story.
>
The Honeymoon
A young couple, just married were in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, who was
a big burly man, tossed his pants to his bride and said,
"Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size
of her body.
"I can't wear your pants", she said.
"That's right," said the husband, and don't you ever forget it. I'm
the one who wears the pants in this family.
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his
kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. "I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right, and that's the way its going to be until
your damn attitude changes!"
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were
watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from
the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't
jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50
she owed.
The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."
The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the money."
So the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5
O'clock news, so I can't take your money."
The blonde replied,...
"Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
>> A man, called to testify at the Australian Tax Office asked his
>> accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing.
>> Let him think you are a pauper," the accountant replied. Then he asked
>> his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Don't let
>> them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
>>
>> Confused, the man went to his Rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice
>> and requested some resolution of the dilemma. "Let me tell you a story,"
>> replied the Rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
>> to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown
>> that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend,
>> she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy underwear.'" The man
>> protested, "What does all this have to do with my problem with the
>> ATO?" The Rabbi replied, "No matter what you wear my son, you're going
>> to get fucked."
When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the
movie theater, he walked over and whispered "Sorry sir, but you
are allowed only one seat." The man moaned but didn't budge.
"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have
to call the manager." The man moaned again but stayed where he was.
The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several
attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked
at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"
"Joe", he mumbled. "And where are you from, Joe?" Joe responds
painfully, "The balcony!"
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going
to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken
farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns
out that his next door neighbour was also a chicken farmer. The
neighbour came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't
easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100
chickens." The new chicken farmer was thrilled.
Two weeks later the new neighbour stopped by to see how things were
going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died."
The neighbour said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any
trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbour stops in again. The new
farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100
chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbour asked, "what went wrong?
What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too
deep or not far apart enough."
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While
doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of
the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back
seat?"
The man in the car says, "I found them. I asked myself what to do
with them but, I haven't a clue."
The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."
"Yeah, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.
The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station.
The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.
"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to
the zoo!"
"Oh, I did," says the driver, "and we had a swell time. Today I'm
taking them to the beach."
Mr. Brown said, "I keep seeing spots before my eyes."

Mr. Green asked, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
Mr. Brown replied, "No, only spots."
------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
One day, a fellow went for a ride through the park on his bicycle. The
following day, a friend asked him if he would like to do it again.
He replied, "No thanks, I'm not into recycling."
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain
announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is
nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled,
but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and
the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly
just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our
arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still
have one engine left."
A young child passenger turned to his mother in the next seat and remarked,
"If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're
stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?
Little Johnny replied, "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself."
Two cows were conversing in a field: "My My, have you heard about this
Mad Cow disease...it's really frightening."
"Huh" said the other cow, "I'm not worried at all!".
"Why's that?" the first cow asked.
"Because I'm a rabbit".
So there's this magician working on a small cruise ship. He's been doing his
routines every night for a year or two now. The audiences appreciate him, and
they change over often enough that he doesn't have to worry too much about
new tricks. However, there's this parrot who sits in the back row and watches
him night after night, year after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how
the tricks work and starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when
the magician makes a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind
his back! Behind his back!" Well, the magician get really annoyed at this,
but he doesn't know what to do.
One day, the ship springs a leak and sinks. The magician manages to swim to a
plank of wood floating by and grabs on. The parrot is sitting on the other
end of the plank. They just stare at each other and drift. They drift for 3
days and still don't speak. On the morning of the fourth day, the parrot
looks over at the magician and says: "OK, I give up. Where did you hide the
ship?"
An old man was driving down the interestate at 22 miles per hour. He never
went above or below. An officer noticed and followed him a while and then
pulled him over. Before the officer could even get to the window the man was
saying "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 mph and that is exactly
what I was doing, I was not speeding".
The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you
over for going to slow".
The man said "but the sign says 22".
The officer told him that he was on interstate 22. As the man shook his head,
the officer noticed that there were 3 older ladies sitting inside the car.
All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open. Their faces were
very white and their hair was completely messy.
The police officer leaned toward the man and said "What is wrong with them?"
The man said "well, we just came off of interstate 134".
A man walks into a doctors office with a stick of celery in one ear
a carrot in the other, and a grape up his nose. Confused, the man asks:
"Doctor what's wrong with me?"
The doctor looks at the man an replies:
"Your not eating properly!"
A man came home from work after a horrible day at the office. His wife has
complained to him over and over that he never notices her anymore, and he
denied it. When he comes through the door his wife greets him and says,
"Hi, Honey. Notice anything different about me today?"
"Oh, I don't know. You got your hair done."
"Nope, try again."
"Oh, uh, you bought a new dress."
"Nope, keep trying."
"You got your nails done."
"Nope, try again."
"I give up, I'm too tired to play 20 questions."
"I'm wearing a gas mask!"
A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were at a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?". The father responded,
"Son I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is!".
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a
wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed
and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers
above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in
the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a nice looking 24-year
old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Internet Password
10. E-Mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.
8. You find you`ve been subscribed to strange newsgroups like
alt.recreational.catnip.
7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.
6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.
5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of
"CyberDog."
4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.
3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and
WarCat II.
2. On IRC you`re known as the IronMouser.
1. There are little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.
A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were
2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother
asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath." He replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."
There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim Alley's
Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn't know what Junior's problem is,
but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a
load, or two pickles shy of a barrel.
To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel
and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.
One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side
and said, "Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you
don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing
the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"
Junior said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit doing it!"
Jokes Page
IF YOU FIND THESE OFFENSIVE.........TUFF, IT'S YOUR BAD LUCK!!!!!
How NOT to spice up your sex life...

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other,
"How's your sex life buddy?"
The other guy says, "Not too good. Every time the missus and me have sex,
she loses interest halfway through. It's very frustrating."
The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same
problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she
started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such
a
fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it ye
ars
ago."
The other guy says, "OK, I think I'll try that."
The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did
you get on with the starter pistol?"
The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night
we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I
fired the starter pistol, just like you said.
" The first guy says, "So what happened?"
The other guy says, "She bit my dick, pissed all over me, and a man came
out of the closet with his hands up!"
The Bar
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After
an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks,
tentatively,
"Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds
by
yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in
the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and
completely
embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman
walks
over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I
embarrassed
you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how
people
respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of
his lungs,
"What do you mean $200?!"
So God calls to Adam and says, "Adam, I have some good news and some bad
news. What do you want to hear first?" Adam replies, "The good news." God
answers, "Well, the good news is I gave you a penis and a brain." Then Adam
says,
"OK, so what's the bad news?" And God says, "I only gave you enough blood
to
operate one at time."
The Smartest Man In the World

There were 3 people in a crashing plane: The smartest man in the world,
the
president and a little girl. And there were only two parachutes. The
smartest man
stood up and said, "The people who would benefit the world the most should
be the
ones who get the parachutes and I being the smartest man am one of those.
" With
that he grabbed one and jumped out. The president looks at the little girl
and says
"I've led a good long life - you take the last parachute." And the little
girl replies,
"Don't worry - we can both have one, the smartest man took my backpack."
Giving Birth - The Modern Way

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon
their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a
portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were
willing to try
it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the knob
to the
10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the
father
had ever experienced before. But as the labor pains progressed, the
husband felt
fine. So, he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor then
adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer and the husband was still
feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husbands blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at
how
well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50%. The husband
continued to
feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife
considerably, he
encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a
healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic.
.....When
they got home, they found the mailman dead on their porch.
The New Secretary

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very
polite.
One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When
leaving the
room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open." He did not
understand
her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper
was
open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in, he
asked, "By
the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning,
did
you also notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was
quite witty
replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on
two duffel
bags."
Broken Appliances
A woman doing household chores appeared flustered when her husband arrived
home one Monday evening. He asked her what was wrong. She proceeded to tell
him how the dishwasher went on the fritz. Then she asked him if he would
take a
look at it. To her dismay his reply was "What can I do about it? Do I look
like Mr.
GE to you?". The next week the woman was doing household chores, when the
washing machine malfunctioned. Her husband came home and noticed that she
was
really perturbed. When he found out what was wrong his response was. "Well
at
least you finished all the laundry first. Besides do I look like the Maytag
man to
you?". Needless to say his wife was beside herself with anger. The next week a
s
the woman was doing housework, yet another appliance broke. Her husband came
home that evening to find the woman in a frustrated fury. He asked what was goi
ng
on and she lit into him. "Now the refrigerator is not working. You haven't ev
en
looked at the other appliances. We cannot live without the refrigerator bein
g
repaired. At least look at that!". The man looks at his wife and says, "Do I lo
ok like
Mr. Whirlpool to you?". His wife could hardly believe her ears. The next day s
he
was gardening and lost her temper. She began tearing up the flower beds and
cutting erratic patterns in the hedges. About this time an older gentleman com
es
along. He asks what is wrong and if he could help. The woman explained that 3 o
f
her major appliances were not working. The older gentleman says, "Well, I live
just
down the block. I recently retired and was looking for something to do. Beside
s,
I'm pretty handy with tools. I'd be happy to take a look and see if there is an
ything
I can do." The next day the older gentleman comes to her house. She lets him i
n
but before she shows him the appliances she asks, "Before you begin, how much
this going to cost me?". The older gentleman replies, "I'll tell you what. If
I repair
them, you can either bake me a cake or have sex with me." The woman felt that
was fair and tells him to proceed with the repairs. Sure enough, the older gent
leman
fixed every single appliance. The woman was ecstatic. When her husband came
home that night, the house was spotless and dinner was ready and waiting. The
husband was surprised and asked what was new. Why was she in such a good
mood. She told him, "I had all the appliances repaired. They work as good as new
."
"Great", he said, "but how much did all that cost?" The wife told her husband ab
out
the older gentleman. She told him that she could have either baked a cake or h
ad
sex. The husband asks, "So what did you do?" The wife says, "Do I look like Bet
ty
Crocker to you?"
Personal Ad
A woman decides that she's had it with trying to find a decent man in a bar. So
she
takes out an ad in the paper that says she is seeking a mate who is loyal, rich
and a
good lover. After a few days, her doorbell rings. She opens the door and sees
a
man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs. He says, "I'm here about your ad.
"
Momentarily taken aback, she says, "Well, how do I know you're loyal?" "Well, I
saved my platoon from the 'Cong in Vietam. That's where I lost my arms and legs,
"
he replies. "Well, how do I know you're rich?" she inquires. "I make over $3
million a year. I have my own software company. You can look at my bank
statement," he continues. Looking him over in his wheelchair, she demands, "Wel
l,
how do I know you're a good lover?" He shrugs, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?
"
Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of t
he
ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provision
s
before their ship slipped below the surface.
After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On
the
10th day, bleary eyed and half-dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spot
ted a
small object floating toward them in the water.
As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp ( the kin
d that
genies come in). They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired
old genie who said "ok, ok. So you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda
,
yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and qu
ite
frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here.
Make it a good one".
The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out, "Give us all the beer
we can
drink for the rest of our lives!"
"Fine" said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.
"Great move Einstein!" said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the hea
d.
"NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!"
A wife asked her husband 'If I die, will you remarry'? The proper answer to th
is
should have been 'Never, honey my world would cease to exist without you in it'
,
but the husband answered, 'I haven't really thought about it, but possibly'
.
The wife, being a little hurt asked 'would you let her sleep in our bed'? 'I s
uppose
so', said the husband. The wife getting a little upset asked 'would you take do
wn all
my pictures and replace them with hers'?
'I suppose that would be the proper thing to do', was the husband's reply. Get
ting
more and more upset, the wife asked 'Would you let her wear my clothes'?
'If they fit her and she wanted them, I wouldn't see anything wrong with it', wa
s the
husband's reply.
Getting real pissed now the wife asked, 'I suppose you would give her my golf
clubs also'. 'No' was the husbands reply, 'She is left handed'.
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives
went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife
caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground
with
her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The
Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress.
"Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to
make
the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his
hand
into his pocket and said "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get s
ome
knickers."
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a molehill, tripped
up,
and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that
she
wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily
demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explain
ed
"you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usuall
y no
one notices." With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and sai
d,
"Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root,
tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head,
revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over
and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department.
"Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to
make
the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Scotsman thrust his
hand
into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a b
it!"
Single women claim that all the good men are married, while all married women
complain about their lousy husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing
as a
good man.
The Skin Graft

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was
burned severely. The doctor told the husband they couldn't graft any skin from
her
body because she was so thin. The husband then donated some of his skin...
However, the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks. The husba
nd
requested that no one be told of this, because after all this was a very deli
cate
matter! After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's
new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever did before! All her friend
s
and relatives just ranted and raved at her youthful beauty! She was alone with
her
husband one day & she wanted to thank him for what he did. She said, "Dear, I
just want to thank you for everything you did for me! There is no way I could e
ver
repay you!!! He replied, "Oh don't worry, Honey, I get plenty thanks enough eve
ry
time your mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!!"
The Four Expectant Fathers

Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their w
ives
were in labor. The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations! Yo
u're
the father of twins!" "What a coincidence!" the man exclaims. "I work for the
Minnesota Twins baseball team!" The nurse returns a short while later and tells
the
second man, "You are the father of triplets!" "Wow, what a coincidence!" he
replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation!" When the nurse comes again, she tells
the
third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets. "Another coincidence! I
work
for the Four Seasons Hotel!" At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he com
es
to, the others ask what's wrong. "What's wrong?! I work for Seven-Up!"
After the Honeymoon

Young couples were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing w
hat
newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom
goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He
asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the
bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his
bride
where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway,
they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a sma
ll
part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "W
ell,
that's what we had so much fun with last night. "And she, in amazement, asked,
"Is
that all we have left?"
The Sick Husband

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the
doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffe
ring
from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do th
e
following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakf
ast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritiou
s
meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him wit
h
chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, i
t
will only make his stress worse. And most importantly...make love with your
husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for
the
next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health complete
ly.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?" "You're
going to die," she replied.
When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. EVE:
"You're running around with other women."
ADAM: "You're being unreasonable. You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone
poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
ADAM: "What do you think you're doing?"
EVE: "Counting your ribs."
Lesbian wife
A bloke and his wife were in bed.
She turned to him and said:
"What would you say if i told you I was sleeping with your best friend ?"
He thought for a moment before remarking: "I'd say you were a lesbian".
x soldiers
Two men are walking along the pavement towards each other. Both are dragging
their right foot. As they meet, one man looks knowingly at the other and
says 'Vietnam, 69.'
The other hooks his thumb behind him and say's 'Dog shit, 20 feet back.'
Truck Drivers
Two truck drive's takeing shifts on who sleep's and drive's,

The guy sleeping in the back is suddenly woken up by " Thump , Thump, Bang"
He climb's over the front and say's " What in the hell was that ????? "
The drive look's at him and say's
" Oh i just accidentally hit a Aborigine "
The guy that was sleeping ask's " What was the other to thomp's "
the drive say's " Oh i had to drive throw two fence's to hit him.
The Lebanon
> National Anthem for the great country of LEBANON
> Sing to the tune of " (I'm A) Barbie Girl"
>
>
>
> I'm a Lebbo guy
> In a gemini
> I've got cousins
> In the dozens
> You can brush my hair
> I've got it everywhere
> Destination
> Lakemba station
>
> On a Friday night
> I would like to fight
> In the nightclubs
> Or down at your pub
> Pubic hair everywhere
> The ladies like to stare
> My relaxation
> Masturbation
>
> I'm a Lebbo guy
> I'm so bloody sly
> I lost my gemini
> driving while I was high
> Do you think that's fair
> I used to drive it everywhere
> That's legislation
> Now I'm on probation
>
> Come on Achmed, lets go stab some oz oz ozzies
> Come on Achmed come on Achmed, sharamouta sharamouta
> I'm a wog single boy, in this Arabic world
> Stab me here, punch me there, your so wanky!
>
> I'm a Lebbo guy,
> Under Bankstown sky;
> I run with my pop
> A small kebab shop.
> Want some beef in there
> Chicken, dog or hair?
> Whatever you get
> It's always half sweat
>
> On a sunny day
> Wogball we will play,
> Habib brings his ball,
> his cousins, wives and all.
> We're all pretty good
> Play in Europe if we could
> Except for Johnno
> He has no mono.
>
> Pass it Eucrate, you are shit mate (Fuck off Achmed)
> Ha ha Sanjit stepped in dog shit
> I'm a Lebbo wog
> Going for a jog,
> Around my home block
> In tight shorts with a sock.
> It's quite hard to run
> My gold chains weigh a ton,
> Grease in my hair
> I slip right through the air
>
> Run straight past two cops
> Bust 'em in the chops
> And jump in their car
> But I won't get far.
> Need my Gemini
> Just one reason why ?
> Although this engine's nice
> I want my fluffy dice.
Blonde's and Bank's

TWO BLONDES DECIDED TO ROB A BANK TOGETHER.
THE FIRST BLONDE, JUDY PLANS THE ROBBERY AND GOES OVER THE PLAN WITH
THE
SECOND BLONDE, BUFFIE IN GREAT DETAIL.
THE ROBBERY BEGINS.
JUDY DRIVES UP IN FRONT OF THE BANK, STOPS THE CAR AND SAYS TO BUFFIE
"I
WONT TO MAKE SURE YOU UNDERSTAND THE PLAN. YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN
AND
OUT OF THE BANK IN NO MORE THAN THREE MINUTES WITH THE CASH. DO YOU
UNDERSTAND THE PLAN?"
"PERFECTLY", SAID BUFFIE
BUFFIE GOES IN THE BANK WHILE JUDY WAITS IN THE GETAWAY CAR. ONE
MINUTE
PASSES....
TWO MINUTES PASS.....
SEVEN MINUTES PASS.. AND JUDY IS REALLY STRESSED OUT...
FINALLY, THE BANK DOORS BURST OPEN! AND HERE COMES BUFFIE, SHE GOT A
SAFE
WRAPPED UP IN ROPE AND IS DRAGGING IT TO THE CAR.. ABOUT THE TIME SHE
GETS
THE SAFE IN THE TRUNK OF THE CAR, THE BANK DOORS OPEN AGAIN WITH THE
SECURITY GUARD COMING OUT. THE GUARD'S PANTS AND UNDERWEAR ARE DOWN
AROUND
HIS ANKLES WHILE HE IS FIRING HIS WEAPON.
AS THE GIRLS ARE GETTING AWAY, JUDY SAYS "YOU ARE SUCH A BLONDE" I
THOUGHT
YOU UNDERSTOOD THE PLAN"
BUFFIE SAID " I DID..... I DID EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID"
"NO YOU IDIOT YOU GOT IT ALL MIXED UP, I SAID TIE THE GUARD UP AND
BLOW THE
SAFE".
Good Looking Gorilla
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island. The only female around
is a gorilla on the other end of the island.
After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands
up and says, "I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with
his pals right behind him. They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an
arm or leg and Garry puts the bag over the gorilla's head.
The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she
wraps it around Garry's back. Then she gets both feet free and wraps
them around Garry's waist. She gets her other arm free and grabs on
to his hips and starts pulling him in harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!!
They said, "You're on top, we can't get her off of you."
Garry said..."No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss the bitch!"
Doggy Style
Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you
and your wife ever do it doggy style?" asked the one.
"Well... not exactly." his friend replied, "She's more into the trick
dog aspect of it."
"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?"
"Well... not exactly...."
"I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead."
Fish Sticks
One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and

asked what they were doing. The parents' reply was that they
were making fish sticks. So the little boy left it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and
this time he asks, "Are you making fish sticks again?"
The parents both reply yes.
The boy remarks, "Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on
your mouth."
Wife's Appointment
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently
taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a
gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist
appointment tomorrow too?"
Human Emotion Party
A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people,

telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts
"Themed Party Come as a Human Emotion".
On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he
opens the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters
N and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great
outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy says,
"I'm green with envy". The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drin
k".
A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host
opens the door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a
feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this
woman "Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she
replies, "I'm tickled pink". The host says, "I love it, come on in and
join the party".
A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third
time, and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark
naked, with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other with his
penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says, "Gee, guys,
what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested for standing like
that out here in the street. What emotion is this supposed to be?"
The first guy replies, "Well, I'm fucking discustad, and my
friend here has come in dispair."
Slogans Promoting National Condom Week
1. Cover your stump before you hump

2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love!
Alien Sex
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars

after accumulating enough frequent flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all
sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market,
if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty
much the way you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to
swap partners for the night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where
the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weeny
member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap of his
forehead, his member grows until it's quite
impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but
it's still pretty narrow...." "No problem,"
he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull,
his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made
mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners
and go their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my
forehead and pulling my ears."
To: nixta@iinet.net.au
Date: Sun, 12 Dec 1999 14:08:22 +0800
Why did God create woman?
To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
The swallow.
How do you annoy your wife during sex?
Phone her.
Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.
What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.
What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak [whole week..!]
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, let the bitch cook in the dark.
What's the difference between premenstrual tension and B.S.E?
One's mad cow disease, the other's an agricultural problem.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.
If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!
What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.
What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Internet
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman
Why do hunters make the best lovers?
Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once and they eat what
they shoot.
How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.
How is a woman like a condom?
Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.
What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A whore sleeps with everyone at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everyone
at the party except you.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 10 years the job still sucks.
What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.
Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off you wonder where her tits went.
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.
Why did the woman cross the road?
What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place
Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
'Cos it doesn't need cleaning yet.
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex

for several years, decided they needed to visit a
cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the
madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't
going to waste any of her girls on these two
old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the
dolls in each man's room and left them to their
business. After the two men were finished, they
started walking home and began to talking. The
first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead.
She never moved, talked or even groaned... how
was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch.
When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and
flew out the window!"
In a small Southern town there was a nativity scene that

indicated great skill and talent in its creation. One small feature
bothered me though. The three wise men were wearing
firemen's helmets.
Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.
At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind
the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage,
yelling at me, "You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!"
I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything
about firemen in the Bible. She jerked her Bible from behind the
counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her
finger at a particular passage.
Sticking it in my face she said, "See, it says right here, 'The
three wise men came from afar.'"
A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She

recited the following story: "There are three birds sitting
on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds
are left on the wire?"
A boy pauses. "None," he replied thoughtfully.
"No, no, no, let's try again," the teacher says patiently. She
holds up three fingers. "There are three birds sitting on a wire.
A hunter shoots one," she puts down one finger, "how many birds
are left on the wire?"
"None!" the boy says with authority.
The teacher sighs. "Tell me how you came up with that."
"It's simple," says the boy, "after the gunman shot one bird,
he scared the other two away." "Well," she says, "it's not
technically correct, but I like the way you think."
"Okay," chimes the boy, "now let me ask you a question. There
are three women sitting on a bench eating popsicles. One woman
is licking the popsicle, one woman is biting the popsicle, and
one is sucking the popsicle. Which one is married?" he asked.
The teacher looked at the boy's angelic face and she writhed
in agony, turning three shades of red. "C'mon," the boy said
impatiently, "One is licking the popsicle, one is biting and
one is sucking. Which one is married?"
"Well," she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied,
"the one who's sucking?"
"No," he says with surprise, "the one with the wedding ring
on. But I like the way you think!"
THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK BUT CAN'T OR SHOULDN'T
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Do I look like a people person?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't
fallen asleep yet.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Chaos, panic, & disorder -- my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the
recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.
"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think
it's the drinking."
"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor
who's sober?"
******************************
A Polish family is sitting in the living room.
The wife turns to the husband and says, "Let's send the kids
out back to p-l-a-y , so we can fuck."
SANTA CLAUS: A CONSULTANT'S PERSPECTIVE

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in
the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim,
Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this
reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or
378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau).
At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that
comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at
least one good child in each. Santa has about 31 hours of
Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the
rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which
seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.
This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child,
Santa has around1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out,
jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining
presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for
him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to
the next house.
Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed
around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will
accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking
about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles,
not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh
is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of
sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle,
the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second,
and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour.
The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.
Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized
Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand
tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer
can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the flying
reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be
done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of
them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the
sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of
the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons
travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-
this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft
re-entering the earth's atmosphere.
The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of
energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames
almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and
creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer
team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or
right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not
that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating
from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be
subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa
(which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the
sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones
and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.
Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now. Merry Christmas.
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had on
ly started dating,
after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right
note:
personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought
a pair of white gloves.
The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself.
During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and
the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties.
The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the e
vening.
If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the b
uttons,
but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove.
These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that
she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time,
as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance
to see you again.
When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away
as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.
Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Heaven or Hell?
One day while walking down the street a highly successful, executive
woman was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in
heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though
it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never
once had an executive make it this far and we're not really sure what
to do withyou."
"No problem, just let me in." said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do
islet you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can
choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven."
"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the executive in
an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting
Green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club
and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives
that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and
cheering for her.
They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old
times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the
countryclub where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She
met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kinda cute) and she
had a great time telling jokes and dancing.
She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time
to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the
elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and
found St. Peter waiting for her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven. So she spent the next 24
hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She
had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St.
Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now
you must choose your eternity."
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought
I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think
I had a better time in Hell."
So, St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened
she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage
and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking
up the garbage and putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and
there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage
and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday we were
recruiting you, but today you're staff."
=========================================================
Out With The Flu
I ran into Jim at work yesterday. He had been out for a few days with
the flu. I asked him how he was feeling.
"I'm better, thanks. You know, it was a wonderful experience." he
replied.
"Wonderful? How can the flu be wonderful?". I asked in stunned
disbelief.
"Well I learned that my wife really loves me. You know that whenever
the mailman came by or a delivery man headed toward the door, my wife
ran out to meet them. I could hear her excitedly saying 'my husband is
home! My husband is home!"
The wife had had a hard day with the kids, her husband
came home in a foul mood, and not much was said at all
during a dinner which no one seemed to like.
After the kids were bathed and bedded, she took a long,
leisurely bath and crawled into bed, only to have an
unwashed, slightly drunken husband come into the bedroom,
rip off his clothes, climb into bed and plops on top of her.
"Get off of me, will ya?!?"
"Whatsa matter, am I hurting you?"
"No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. How in the
hell did you ever imagine you could hurt me with THAT!?"
****************************************************
A stewardess approached a gentleman who was voicing his
complains rather loudly.
"Yes, Sir?"
"I want to complain about this airline. Every time I fly, I get
the same seat, I can't see the in-flight movie, and there are
no window blinds so I can't sleep."
"Captain, shut up and land the plane."
***************************
Speaking of new equipment reminds me of the poor fellow
who lost his penis in an auto accident. The male members of
his family were well endowed, and each volunteered to donate
one inch.
One week after the operation, the doctor found him crying in
his hospital room and asked if there was a problem with his
handiwork.
The man tearfully answered,
"It's almost perfect, but why did you put Grandpa's inch in
the middle?"
I took my 4 year old son, Josh, out to McDonalds for dinner one
evening for a "guy night". As we were eating our hamburgers, Josh
asked "daddy, what are these little things on the hamburger buns?"
I responded that they were tiny seeds and were ok to eat.
He was quiet for a couple of minutes and I could tell he was in deep
thought. Finally, Josh looked up and said, "Dad, if we go home and
plant these seeds in our back yard, we will have enough hamburgers
to last forever."
*************************************
There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very
grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he
wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began
to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you
can't take your wealth with you."
The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might
bend the rules.
The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him.
The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided
to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man
gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and
places it beside his bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven
to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has
permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord.
Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right.
You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check it's
contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to
inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave
behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?"
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff
several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery
was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several
monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride
up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed
that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With a
trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the
basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it
breaks."
********************************************
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was
found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her
purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag
there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
*************************************
There's a new toy on the market called the Billy doll. It's being
advertised as the first openly gay doll for sale in America. And
the doll is anatomically correct. Boy, that's gotta be driving
Barbie nuts, don't ya think? Finally a male doll with something
"down there," and he turns out to be gay. Isn't that every woman's
nightmare?
**********************************
Sam and John were out cutting wood, when John accidentally
cut his arm off. Sam, who was trained in first aid, remained calm
and wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and then took it and John
to a surgeon.
The surgeon said, "You're in luck! I'm an expert at reattaching limbs!
Come back in four hours."
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said, "I got done
faster than I expected. John is down at the local pub."
Sam went to the pub and was amazed to see John throwing darts.
"Wow" thought Sam, "that surgeon does excellent work"
A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John accidentally
cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it, and John,
back to the same surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Legs are a little tougher, but I'll see what I can do -
come back in six hours."
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, "I finished early - John's
down at the soccer field."
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. "Wow"
thought Sam "That surgeon is amazing"
A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off.
Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to
the surgeon.
The surgeon said, "Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve
hours."
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said, "I'm sorry, John
died."
Sam said, "I understand - I know you tried your best. You are a very
skilled surgeon but I'm sure heads are very tough."
The surgeon said, "Oh, no! It wasn't that, John suffocated in that plastic
bag!"
Two nuns move into an apartment together. The nuns think the place could use a l
ittle work, so arrange with the landlord to perform the labor in exchange for re
nt credit. The nuns arrive to paint the apartment and realize they forgot a chan
ge of clothes. Not wanting to get paint on their habits and having been friends
for years, they decide to paint the place buck naked.
As they are going about their business, someone knocks on the door. The nuns are
worried about getting caught, so one nun asks, "Who is it?".
A voice answers, "Blind man.".
The nuns look at each other, shrug, figure it can't do any harm, and open the do
or.
A man walks in and says, "Nice tits. Where do you want these blinds?".
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle.
He
looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A
genie
appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie
said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but
only one -
none of that three wishes jazz, OK?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I have
always
wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to
because I'm
afraid of flying, and ships make me claustrophobic and
ill. So,
I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie was taken aback a bit, but after some
thought said,
"No, I don't think I can do that; think about the
pilings needed
to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to
be to
reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement and
steal and concrete that would be needed. I'm sorry,
you will
have to choose another wish."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie,
"There
is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would
like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and
cry, why do
they get upset at us so easily, what are their true
desires and
needs? Basically... what makes them tick?!?"
The genie stared at him and blinked a couple times.
"So, do
you want two lanes or four?"
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first-class on a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.
The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably
hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't
believe
that he's seeing what he's seeing. A few more minutes pass. The woman
sneezes
yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet
again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,
"Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped
it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or
are you just trying to drive me crazy?"
The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare
condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for
it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper.
=======================================================================
A Canadian is having his 'petit dejeuner' (coffee, croissants, bread, butter
& jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.
The Canadian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts conversation.
American: "You Canada folk eat the whole bread??"
Canadian (in a bad mood): "Of course."
American: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In the States, we only
eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it,
transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada."
The American has a smirk on his face.
The Canadian listens in silence.
The American persists: "D'ya eat jelly with the bread??"
Canadian: "Of Course."
American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't.
In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels,
seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam
and sell the jam to Canada.The Canadian then asks: "Do you have sex in
America?"
American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.
Canadian: And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?
"American: "We throw them away, of course."
Canadian: "We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them,
melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America."
========================================= Personal Ad
WANTED
A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
But please only read lines 1,3 and 5.
=================================================== Spring Break
Lots of things go on during "spring break" as the college
students let off a little steam. This one student was arrested
for indecent exposure in a field near the beach, and was
appearing before a judge. "I plead not guilty, Your Honour. I
only went there to get relieved," he testified.
"Well, I'm inclined to accept your explanation." said the
judge. "I guess some allowances must be made for
'emergencies'."
"That's true to a point, Your Honour," said the arresting officer.
"But what about this young lady here who relieved him?"
=============================================
She was an attractive barmaid so Paul slapped a ten on the bar and
said, "I bet I can keep an eye on this drink while I go to the
bathroom." She knew the bathroom was around the corner so she accepted
the bet. Paul took his glass eye out placed it beside the glass and
went to the bathroom.
"Betcha I can bite my own ear," Paul challenged. The bet was accepted
and he took out his false teeth & nipped his ear. Once more he scooped
up the money.
"Okay," he said, "I'll give you a chance to win your money back.
I bet I can make love to you so tenderly you won't feel a thing."
Now that was one thing she knew about so she accepted the bet.
Paul lifted her skirt & away they went.
"I can feel you," she cried.
"Oh well," Paul said, "You win some, you lose some !!"
Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look
on his face. "Doctor," he says, "You've got to help me. Do
you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?"
"Yes," the doctor replies.
"Well they've suddenly gone away," Murray says.
"So what's the problem?"
"I think I'm going deaf."
Y2K Backup System
While we believe we will be fully Y2K compliant by January 1, 2000,
and most of our subsidiary units and contractors claim they will also
be fully compliant, we obviously need to make some preparations in
case unexpected challenges impair our ability to meet the needs of our
customers.
Enclosed with this memo is a "Y2K Backup System" device designed to
meet short time emergency needs in case of a computer operations
failure, or operational delay. This device is the company's Primary
Emergency Network Computer Interface Liaison device (P.E.N.C.I.L.).
This device has been field tested extensively, including certification
testing, as well as volume and stress testing. Properly maintained,
the device meets all the requirements for coding and data input.
Prior to use, the (P.E.N.C.I.L.) will require preparation and testing.
Tools and supplies required will be: A sharpened knife or grinding
device; and a supply of computer paper (with or without holes).
Gripping the device firmly in your hand, proceed to scrape or grind
the wooded end until it has a cone-like appearance. The dark core
area must be exposed to properly function. (Left-handed employees
should read this sentence backwards, and then go to your supervisor
for assistance.)
Place a single sheet of computer paper on a smooth, hard surface. Take
the backup device, place the sharpened point against the paper, and
pull it across the paper. If properly done, this will input a single
line.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage components of the device or
damage the data reception device. If either the P.E.N.C.I.L. or
the paper are damaged, go back to the preparation instructions above.
Proper use of the device will require data simulation input by the
operator. Placing the device against the computer page forming symbols
as closely resembling the computer lettering system you normally use.
At the completion of each of the simulated letters, lift the device
off the page, move it slightly to the right, replace it against the
page, and form the next symbol. This may appear tedious, and somewhat
redundant, but, with practice, you should be able to increase your
speed and accuracy. The P.E.N.C.I.L. is equipped with a manual
deletion device. The device is located on the reverse end of the
P.E.N.C.I.L. Error deletions operate similarly to the "backspace" key
on your computer. Simply place the device against the erroneous data,
and pull it backwards over the letters. This should remove the error,
and enable you to resume data entries.
CAUTION: Excessive force may damage the data reception device.
Insufficient force, however, may result in less than acceptable
deletion, and may require re-initialization of action as above.
This device is designed with user maintenance in mind. However, if
technical support is required, you can still call your local computer
desk supervisor at (800)-YOU-DUMMY.
"The grass is always greener on the other side,
until you jump the fence and see the weeds up close."
***********************************************
Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and
besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied
something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible.
That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful
Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check
stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes
enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing
in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly
go wrong?
At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the
car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet
and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody
clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with
her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait
saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.
"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be
the matter?
Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the
engine was purring like a cat again.
"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do
I have to do that?"
***********************************************
*phone rings*
"Hello?"
"Hi, wanna come to a meeting?"
"What is it about?"
"It's a business opportunity."
"Is it Amway?"
"What's Amway?"
"Is it Amway?"
"I can't tell you."
"Is it Amway?"
"I can't tell you."
"If it's Amway, I'm not interested."
"Well then, we don't need you, you sorry, low-life,
destined-to-live-in-poverty
ignorant loser. Can Mom come to the phone?"
**************************************
TOP TEN FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS FOR CATS
10. Up on the Mousetop
9. Have Yourself a Furry Little Christmas
8. Joy to the Curled
7. I Saw Mommy Hiss at Santa Claus
6. The First Meow
5. Oh, Come All Ye Fishful
4. Silent Mice
3. Fluffy, the Snowman
2. Jingle Balls
1. Wreck the Halls!
A small boy stunned his parents after church one Sunday when he began to empty h
is pockets of nickels, dimes and quarters. Finally his mother asked the obvious
question,"Where did you get all that money?" "At Sunday school," the boy replied
nonchalantly."They have bowls of it."
************************************************
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed coup
le wanted to join a church.The pastor said, "We have special requirements for ne
w parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.The couples agree
d and came back at the end of the two weeks. The pastor went to the elderly coup
le and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man
replied, "No problem at all, Pastor. "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!"
said the pastor. The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, wer
e you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, " The first
week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple o
f nights but, we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pa
stor. The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you abl
e to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go without
sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired
the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and droppe
d it. When she bent over to pick it up,I was overcome with lust and took advanta
ge of her right there." "You understand, of course, this means youwill not be we
lcome in our church," stated the pastor."We know," said the young man, "We're no
t welcome at K - Mart anymore either...
The Night Before Sexmas
Twas the night before Sexmas, and God it was neat,
The kids were both gone, and my wife was in heat.

The doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hook,
It was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.
Momma in her teddy, and I in the nude,
Had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube.
When out on the lawn there arose such a cry,
That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.
Up to the window I sprang like an elf,
Tore back the shade while she played with herself.
The moon on the crest of the snowman we'd built,
Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.
With a fat little driver half out of his sled,
A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.
Sure as I'm speaking, he was as high as a kite,
And he yelled to his team, but it didn't sound right.
Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,
Either slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts.
Look out for the lamp post, and don't hit the tree,
Quit shaking the sleigh, 'cause I gotta go pee.
They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,
Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.
And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,
As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,
When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.
His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,
He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.
That was some brothel," he said with a smile,
The reindeer are pooped, and I'll just stay here awhile."
He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,
Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.
I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,
The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.
Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,
But his toys were all gone, and some new things were packed.
The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,
The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.
A box filled with condoms was Santa's next find,
And a six pack of panties, the edible kind.
A bra without nipples, a penis extension,
And several other things that I shouldn't even mention.
A Cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,
A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.
This stuff ain't for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit.
So I'll leave 'em here, and then I'll just split."
He filled every stocking and then took his leave,
With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.
He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,

Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.
In time he was seated, took the reigns of his hitch,
Saying, "Take me home Rudolph, this nights been a BITCH!"
The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,
"The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!"
An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he
called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am
a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that
went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on
business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed.
Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished
work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding
this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different
positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.
"What the hell is this??", screamed the billionaire.
"Why that's exactly what you asked for" said the artist smugly.
"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of
the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"
"And there you have it," said the artist,
"I call it 'holy cow look at all those fucking Indians."
RedNeck Humor
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road,
drinking a couple of Buds.
The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!"
"Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin'
these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw
the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers,
threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads
.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?
"
"No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."
Goldfish Funeral
Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your fucking cat."
Dear Santa,
I've been a good mom all year.
I've fed, cleaned, and cuddled my two children on demand, visited the doctor's o
ffice more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to
plant a shade tree on the school playground, and figured out how to attach nine
patches onto my daughter's girl scout sash with staples and a glue gun.
I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had
to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the l
aundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in th
e next 18 years.
Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache after a day of chasing kids (in any colo
r, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't flap in the breeze,
but are strong enough to carry a screaming toddler out of the candy aisle in the
grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the sevent
h month of my last pregnancy.
If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like a car with fingerprint re
sistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn
't broadcast any programs containing talking animals, and a refrigerator with a
secret compartment behind the crisper where Ican hide to talk on the phone.
On the practical side, I could use a talking daughter doll that says, "Yes, Momm
y" to boost my parental confidence, along with one potty-trained toddler, two ki
ds who don't fight, and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up withou
t the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting
, "Don't eat in the living room" and "Take your hands off your brother", because
my voice seems to be just out of my
children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
And please don't forget the Playdoh Travel Pak, the hottest stocking stuffer thi
s year for mothers of preschoolers. It comes in three fluorescent colors and is
guaranteed to crumble on any carpet making the In-law's house seem just like min
e.
If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to br
ush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food
warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. I
f you don't mind I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holid
ay season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will
clear my conscience immensely.
It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house wit
hout demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family,
or if my toddler didn't look so cute sneaking downstairs to eat contraband ice c
ream in his pajamas at midnight.
Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the
laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remem
ber to leave your wet boots by the chimney and come in and dry off by the fire s
o you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but don't eat too
many or leave crumbs on the carpet.
Yours always.....Mom
PS: One more thing...you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children
young enough to believe in Santa.
One the ladies will appreciate!

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'.
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This room's a disaster, just look at this mess !
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringin';
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwaves dingin'.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks my husband, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with total regret,
Says "What's takin' so long....aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn! It's the pies!! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong?? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
They just leave me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, if I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here!
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!!!
Buy the Bull
A blonde and a brunette are running a ranch together in Louisiana.
They decide they need a bull to mate with their cows to increase their
herd. The brunette takes their life savings of $600 dollars and goes to
Texas to buy a bull.
She eventually meets with an old cowboy that will sell her a bull.
"It's the only one I got for $599, take it or leave it." She buys the
bull and goes to the local telegram office and says, "I'd like to send a
telegram to my friend in Louisiana that says:
Have found the stud bull for our ranch, bring the trailer."
The man behind the counter tells her, "Telegrams to anywhere in the U.S.
are $ . 75 per word."
She thinks about it for a moment and decides. "I'd like to send one
word, please."
"And what word would that be?" inquires the man.
"Comfortable." replies the brunette.
The man asks, "I'm sorry miss, but how is your friend gonna understand
this telegram?"
The brunette replies, "My friend is blonde and reads REAL slow, when she
gets this, she will see COM-FOR-DA-BULL."
One Friday morning,

a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to
correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations!" Said the teacher, "You may go home."
The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you."
Before she could finish this quote, another young lady belts out,
"John F.Kennedy".
"Very good," says the teacher, "you may go."
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities,
Little Johnny said,"I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment,
the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it.
Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said,
"Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
There's a guy with a Doberman Pinscher and a guy with a

Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to the
guy with a Chihuahua, "Let's go over to that restaurant and
get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there.
We've got dogs with us."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my
lead." They walk over to the restaurant, and the guy with
the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses, and
starts to walk in.
A guy at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The host says, "Come on in."
The other guy says to himself, "What the heck," puts on a pair
of dark glasses, and starts to walk in. The host says, "Sorry,
pal, no pets allowed."
"You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The host says, "A Chihuahua?"
So the guy says, "You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?!"
When Charles deGaulle decided to retire from public life,
the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party
in his honour.
At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking with
Madame deGaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence
on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet
retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward
to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame deGaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...
and no one knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word,
'appiness!'" ===============================================
4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom.....
==========================================================
The Lost Purse
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was
found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her
purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag
there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a
lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."
============================================
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there
is a knock at the door.
He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What do you want?" asks the owner.
"I want a beer," says the snail.
"First of all, we're closed, and second of all, we don't serve
snails. So go away!"
The snail begs and pleads for a beer.
The owner finally gets fed up, kicks the snail, and slams the
door.
ONE YEAR LATER....
The owner of a bar is just locking up for the night when there
is a knock at the door.
He opens the door and there's a snail sitting on the doorstep.
"What'd you do that for?" asks the snail.
Christmas Songs For The Mentally Disturbed
SCHIZOPHRENIA:
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA:
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC:
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC:
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office
and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and.....
PARANOID:
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER:
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you
Why.
DEPRESSION:
Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER:
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock ........
....(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY:
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me
(and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER:
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions
mixed up. When she got married her husband bought her one of
those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had all the latest
gadgets on it.
Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything worked;
how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to bed, and upon rising,
the coffee is ready."
A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and Riley
asked her how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing I
don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every time I want
to make a pot of coffee?"
***********************************
Computer Things to Think About
1. Do Viruses ever get sick?
2. Do witches run spell checkers?
3. Does a broken Window get you 7 meg. of bad luck? (Neil Enns)
4. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
5. How come programmers find it so easy to master the special
language that runs computers, yet those same folks who write the
technical manuals for the rest of us have no grip on simple English?
(Kerry Diotte, The Edmonton Sun)
6. How come the users can find all the computer bugs and not the
programmers or analysts?
7. How do you press F1 when your P.C. has a keyboard error or no
keyboard present?
8. If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word
processor do?
9. If Ignorance is Bliss, then why aren't there more happy Windows 95
users?
10. If we can make semiconductors, why can't we make complete
conductors? (James Terris)
11. If you access the Internet from the country, does that mean you
have a down home page?
12. In DoubleSpace, can anyone hear your data scream? (Vanbooven)
13. In Microsoft Word, why does the spell checker recommend changing
the word 'zzzz' to 'sex' ?
14. Is AOL so expensive because someone has to pay for those free
disks?
15. Is it true that in Russia, a KGB keyboard has no escape key?
(Neil Enns)
16. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? (Ryoga)
17. Just where is the "any" key anyway?
18. Was Jimi Hendrix's modem a Purple Hayes?
19. What kind of locks do computer keys open?
20. When you turn your computer monitor off, does the screen saver
still work?
21. Which one is the fatherboard? (Alistair and Gordon Smith)
22. Who actually clicks on the "No, I am not over 18" links on
"adult" pages?
23. Why are disks called floppy and paper is hardcopy?
24. Why can't they make mainframes PC compatible?
25. Why do computer users only blink an average of 7 times per
minute, while the average person blinks 22 times per minute?
(D.Cashman)
26. Why do most software developers call bugs they can't fix,
features? (Vanbooven)
27. Why do some on-line modem access software programs tell you to go
and download the latest version of the software if you can't get the
product to work? Just how are you going to do that?
28. Why do they call it a hard disk if its damaged with the slightest
impact?
29. Why do we call it downloading when as often as not it's
freeloading? (BoogieMan)
30. Why do we trust computers when they make as many mistakes in two
seconds as 20 people working 20 years make? (Ken Booth)
31. Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many
stupid users?
32. Why does the "save" icon on Microsoft Word show a floppy disk
with the shutter on backwards? This is not very reassuring!
33. Why does the computer auto-save while you are trying to delete?
34. Why doesn't the 'esc' key work in Leavenworth?
35. Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename"?
36. Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it only has little
buttons?
37. Why is it that whenever a system becomes completely defined, some
damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition?
38. Why do people insist on telling everybody to go and check their
homepage but don't actually let you record your checkmark?
39. Don't you just hate it when you've completely finished your newly
created web page.....and the server goes down as you're uploading?
****************************
A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog. "This is a talking dog," he
said. "And you can have him for five dollars."
The neighbor said, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog
stuff? There ain't no such animal."
Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes. "Please buy me, sir," he
pleaded. "This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me,
never takes me for a walk. And I used to be the richest trick dog in
America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten
times."
"Hey!" said the neighbor. "He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for
just five dollars?"
"Because," said the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his lies."
************************
Little Johnny was in his math class one day when the teacher singled
him out. "If I gave you $200," the teacher began," and you gave $50
to Mary, $50 to Sally and $50 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.
****************************
A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug
store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week
after week, he would come in with the same order.
One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the
man.
"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about
getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms
a week?"
The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your
pardon, but I fi
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out

golfing. He is on
the
second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green. He
thinks
nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears,
"Ribbit 9 Iron."
The
man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9
Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog
wrong, puts the
club
away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches
from the cup.
He
is
shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.
You must be a
lucky
frog, eh? The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The
man decides to
take
the
frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think
frog?" the man
asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one
The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By
the end of the day,
the
man golfed the best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK
where to
next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They
go to Las Vegas
and
the
guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says,
"Ribbit Roulette."
Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What
do you think I
should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game
the man figures
what
the
heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across
the table. The
man
takes
his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sits the frog
down
and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've
won me all this
money
and
I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit
Kiss Me." He
figures
why
not, since after all the frog did for him, he
deserves it. With a
kiss,
the
frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And
that, your honor,
is
how
the girl ended up in my room - so help me God or my
name is not
William
Jefferson Clinton."
Three blond's
Three blondes were off walking through the woods one day, chatting
away about blonde things, when suddenly they came across the river.
But where before the river was a little trickle, it was now a
raging torrent, thundering across their path.
"How are we ever going to get across this" they wailed, staring
hopelessly at the seething waters.
"I wish I was 10 times cleverer, then I'm sure I could think of a
way to get across" complained the first blond. Luckily, and
unbeknownst to her, she was standing beneath the magic wish tree,
who heard her cry and granted her wish!
Instantly she turned into a redhead, and became 10 times cleverer!

"I know" , she said, "I'll swing on that vine over the river!" and
with that she leapt on to the vine and swung across the river,
that raging tumultuous river.
"Wow" thought the second blonde, having seen her friends'

intellectual elevation by the magic wish tree. "I wish I was a
hundred times cleverer then I could get across too!" And lo!
hundred
The magic wish tree granted her wish.
Instantly she turned into a brunette, and became 100 times cleverer!
"I know" she said, suddenly enlightened. "I'll make a raft from
that spare wood over there - bind it all with that vine - then I
can get across too!"
So she built the raft, carefully lashed it together, and paddled

safely across the thundering torrent, not even getting her new
brunette locks damp!
"Wow" thought the third blonde, having seen this miraculous change!
"I wish I was a thousand times cleverer, then I could get across
too"
Instantly she turned into a man, and walked across on the bridge.
Bank Robber's
This is just too funny not to share. Excerpted from an article which
appeared in the Dublin Times about a bank robbery on March 2, 1999:
Once
inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the
internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who
expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and
valuables, were
surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the
bank.
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they
found only
a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio tape
system, one
robber said, "At least we'll have a bit to eat."
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but
vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were
opened.
They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold.
Instead,
all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing
more
than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
The newspaper headline read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY
THIS
MORNING.
Hungery for sex

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had
been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife,
bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy
hasn't seen a woman in years -- let alone one as beautiful as you. Just
cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go
along with it and pretend that you like it... Remember both of our lives
depends on it."
"Darling," whispered the wife, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because
he just told me he thinks you have a really nice looking butt."
Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around
looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack,
a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching yo
u."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head,
promised himself a long vacation after his next big score,
then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires,
clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room,
his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Mo
ses?"
The bird promptly answered,
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a 140 pound Rottweiler Jesus."
>Phrases You Can Use In A Myriad of Business Situations. Or maybe >what

you'd like to say.
>
of view.
>pronounce.
>coincidental.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely >ceremonial.
16) I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to >worship
me.
really quite busy.
public.
>subject.
10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical l
aughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores
.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Ea
ster ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case --
Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America,
Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it
goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall
Game of Pool ?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
limes and eats them; he then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball,
sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" said the guy.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in
sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finished his drink, paid the bill and left the bar.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around. While the man is
finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?," he asks.
"Now what?" inquires the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it,"
says the barman.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything firs
t"
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
12. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
13. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
14. Coffee smells and tastes good.
15. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
16. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
17. You can always get fresh coffee.
18. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get ba
ck.
19. They sell coffee at police stations.
20. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
21. Coffee goes down easier.
22. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
23. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
24. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
25. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
26. Coffee smells good in the morning.
27. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
28. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
29. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
30. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
31. Coffee doesn't shed.
32. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
33. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
34. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
35. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
36. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
37. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
38. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
39. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
40. INSTANT COFFEE!
41. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
42. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
43. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
Great to be a Guy
100 reasons why it is great to be a guy!
-------------------------------------------------
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of
someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you
go.
17. You understand why the movie Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly
hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still
be you friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every nite.
37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough for most of your life.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without
even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is
about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look
like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's
just to skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
adjustment.
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's sports center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whoop ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell
your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "F*#k it!"
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become l
ifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not in
the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer
and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice
anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.
Train trip
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to
her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard
the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off,
get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of
bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going
down the tracks." The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that
kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you
are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your
train, but I want you to use nice language".
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with
his train. Soon the train stops and the mother hears her son say, "All
passengers that are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of
your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope
your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon".
Then she hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we
ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is
no smoking on the train. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey
with us today".
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are
pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen".
____________________________________________________________________
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same
sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go
to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.
In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says,
"I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you
could possibly get me another blanket".
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says "I've got a better
idea.... just for tonight, lets pretend we're married"
The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not", she giggles.
.
.
.
"Great", he replies, "then get your own fucking blanket"!
Classroom
>>A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She
tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up,
>>except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate
family.
>>
>>A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and
snickering.
>>
>>When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. Write with
>>your other hand."
>
A survey asked women what they would do if they woke up and had a penis for
the day:
I would walk around and prod him all night long with it, and whatever he is
doing I'll be there prodding him with it.
I would write my name in the snow.
I would go into my boss' office and lay it on his desk and say "where is my
raise?"
I would find my ex-boyfriend, go to bed with him & tell him to roll over &
try something new.
I would want a big one and show it off to everyone.
I could grab myself in public and not be embarrassed.
I would not lift the lid on the toilet seat while peeing.
I would measure it both ways.
Pee off of a tall building.
I would get racked to see if it really hurts.
I would speed to the hospital and have it surgically removed.
I would see what a woman felt like on the other end.
I would love him, and squeeze him, and play with it all day.
Demonstrate to my husband and my two sons that it is possible to hit the
water and not pee all over everything.
Pin my husband down and slap him in the face with it.
I would play with it and then make him roll over into the wet spot.
Go to an adult store and try out all kinds of stimulants to see what was the
best.
Stand up and jump up and down and watch it swing all around.
See how many donuts I could carry with it.
Check out my boyfriend's gag reflexes.
makeing love to girlfriend

The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my
girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making
ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah
lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my
girl, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on
the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!"
Just a thought for all the women out there(and

also Johnny since he is a girl...lol).
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with
men? Send this to all
of
the women you know and brighten their day!!! ...
And when we have real
trouble, it's HISterectomy!
LOGIC TO PONDER
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
"If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
When a person finds no peace within,it is useless to seek it elsewhere ?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and driv
e?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the do
ors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the packag
e says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down t
he volume on the radio?
>>>>> TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

>>>>> During the past year I have tried to make love to you
>>>>> 365 times.
>>>>>> I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
>>>>> once every ten days.
>>>>> The following is a list of why I did not succeed
>>>>>more often:
>>>>>> 54 times the sheets were clean
>>>>>> 17 times it was too late
>>>>>> 49 times you were too tired
>>>>>> 20 times it was too hot
>>>>>> 15 times you pretended to be asleep
>>>>>> 22 times you had a headache.
>>>>> 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
>>>>>> 16 times you said you were too sore
>>>>>> 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
>>>>>> 19 times you had to get up early
>>>>>> 9 times you said weren't in the mood
>>>>> 7 times you were sunburned
>>>>> 6 times you were watching the late show
>>>>>> 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
>>>>> 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us,
>>>>> 9 times you said your mother would hear us.
>>>>> Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
>>>>> satisfactory because:
>>>>> 6 times you just laid there
>>>>> 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
>>>>> ceiling
>>>>> 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
>>>>> 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
>>>>> 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt
>>>>>you move
>>>>>
>>>>> TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
>>>>>
>>>>> I think you have things a little confused. Here are
>>>>> the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
>>>>> 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the
>>>>>cat
>>>>> 36 times you did not come home at all
>>>>> 21 times you didn't cum
>>>>> 33 times you came too soon
>>>>> 19 times you went soft before you got in
>>>>> 38 times you worked too late
>>>>> 10 times you got cramps in your toes
>>>>> 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
>>>>> 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you
>>>>>in the balls
>>>>> 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
>>>>> 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
>>>>> 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
>>>>> 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
>>>>>all day
>>>>> 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
>>>>>dirty book
>>>>> 98 times you were too busy watching football,
>>>>> baseball, etc. on TV
>>>>>
>>>>> Of the times we did get together:
>>>>>
>>>>> The reason I laid still was because you missed
>>>>> and were screwing the sheets.
>>>>> I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling,
>>>>> what I said was, Would you prefer me on my back or
>>>>>kneeling?
>>>>> The time you felt me move was because you farted
>>>>> and I was trying to breathe.
BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES......

CLINTON VIRUS.....Gives you a 7" hard drive with NO memory
VIAGRA VIRUS......Makes a new Hard Drive out of an old Floppy
LEWINSKY VIRUS.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS......Saves your data ,but forgets where it is
stored
MIKE TYSON VIRUS......Quits after 2 Bytes
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS....Your 300MB Hard Drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB
and then slowly expands to 200MB
DR JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS......Deletes all old files
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS......Disks can no longer be inserted
TITANIC VIRUS ( a strain of the Lewinsky Virus)Your whole computer goes
down
DISNEY VIRUS.......Everything in your computer goes Goofy
PROZAC VIRUS......Screws up ypur RAM, but your Proccessor doesnt care
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS.....Only attacks minors
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS.....Terminates some files, leaves but it
will " BE BAACK"
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS......Reformats your Hard Drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy,then discards it thru windows.....
God on Oral Sex

>
>After having been commissioned by God to take a
>survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now
>stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
>
>"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?"
>Godasked.
>
>"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the
>people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's
>drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it -- another
>Sodomand Gomorrah.
>
>But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.
>According to my survey, 88% of the population is
>doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend
>it. I'm afraid the oral sex thing has reachedepidemic
>proportions on Earth.
>
>"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any
>recommendations as to what should be done to put an
>end to this sexual perversion?"
>
>"I think we should send a message to everyone on
>Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that
>message should tell them exactly what will happen to
>them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of
>activity." replied St. Peter."That is an effective
>solution," God stated,
>"but I think that instead of punishing those 88% who
>practice oral sex, we should reward those 12% who
>refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally
>signed by me to each one of those good people."
>And so they did.
>Do you know what the letter said?
> »
> »
> »
> (scroll down)
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
>
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
>»
>No?(scroll down a little more)
> »
> »
> »
>
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
>
> Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh??
>
>=====
>As always,
>Cyco
before prison
> >Two young guys were picked up by the cops for
> >smoking' dope and appeared in court on Friday before the
> >Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
> >I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
> >I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
> >the
> >evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
> >I'll see you back in court on Monday."
> >
> >Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to
> >the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
> >"Well, You Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
> > >> > > forever".
> >"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
> >"I
> >used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like
> >this:
> >
> > O o
> >
> >"...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain
> >before
> >drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
> >
> >"That's admirable!" said the Judge.
> >
> >To the second boy the judge said, "And you, how did you
> >do?"
> >"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
> >forever."
> >
> >"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do
> >that?!?!"
> > "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew
> >two circles ...
> >
> > o O
> >
> >" ..... and said (pointin' to the small circle) "this is
>your asshole before prison......."
Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint
from navel before applying the match.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is
OK to go into the woods alone.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.
Headstones
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:

Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Some Quotes from the Famous

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
(William Shakespeare - Hamlet)
"If ignorance of nature gave birth to the Gods, knowledge of nature
is destined to destroy them."
(Paul Henri - Systeme de la Nature)
"She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast
stroke of a channel swimmer made her confident way towards the white
cliffs of the obvious."
(W. Somerset Maugham)
"Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with
its grandfathers."
(Lewis Mumford - The Brown Decades)
"In sentencing a man for one crime, we may well be putting him beyond
the reach of the law in respect of those crimes which he has not yet
had an opportunity to commit. The law, however, is not to be cheated
in this way. I shall therefore discharge you."
(N. F. Simpson)
"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we
thought."
(Bobby Robson - on Cameroon's football team)
"I am the very master of the multipurpose metaphor,
I put them into speeches which I always feel the better for.
The speed of my delivery is totally vehicular,
I'm burning with a passion about nothing in particular.
I'm well acquainted too with matters technological,
I'm able to explain myself in phrases tautological.
My language is poetical and full of hidden promises...
It's like the raging torrent of a thousand Dylan Thomases."
(Alistair Beaton)
"The first law of journalism - to confirm existing prejudice rather
than contradict it."
(Alexander Cockburn)
"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
(Mark Twain)
Some of the things a husband wishes his wife would say.

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play
on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbour's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come
see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself
new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake
you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a pack of beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip
joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us,why don't you retire
and
get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
Gross Facts
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her
stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit
and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of
7 ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their
wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very
recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent
aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French
mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a
tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as
a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of
seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height
(12ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle
velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which
was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned
from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
blond jokes
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 15:10:10 GMT
blond jokes
>
>
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
> > freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
> > blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
> > oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
> > down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
> > "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> >
> > The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in
> > his company. He wanted to find out something about her
> > personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
> > someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
> > The blonde quickly responded, "The living one
> >
> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
> > The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
> > said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what,
> > we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
> > the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
> > "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said
> > the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
> > you know. we're going at night!"
> >
> > Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
> > Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down
> > to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said,
> > "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!"
> > So Carol handed her the Compact. Patty looked in the mirror
> > and said, "You dummy, it's me!
> >
> > A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks
> > her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
> > in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
> > Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
> > you expect me to show it to you!"
> >
> > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
> > her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
> > & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum
> >
> > and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
> > thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> >
> > The blonde reported for her university final examination
> > which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
> > seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
> > for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
> > purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
> > marking the answer sheet -- Yes for Heads and No for
> > Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the
> > rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
> > minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
> > muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
> > approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the
> > exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
> >
> > An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
> > stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
> > another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
> > stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop
> > and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was
> > preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new
> > stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at
> > the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
> > She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get
> > out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain
> > asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three
> > doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the
> > closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
> >
> > Q.There are three girls, all in grade 3: one a brunette, one a
> > redhead, and one a blonde. Which one of them has the best body?
> > A. The blonde, because she's 19 years old.
> >
> > Q. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?
> > A. With a tire gauge
Subject: Two Cajuns

Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 04:11:58 GMT
> A rather prim and proper woman is riding the
> Greyhound bus from Shreveport
> to New Orleans. It's been a long day and she's
> bored. She knows it's not
> right but she decides to listen to the two Cajun men
> sitting behind her.
>
> BORDEAUX say, "Naw, Naw, Naw! How many time I gotta
> tell ya! First,
> Emmacums...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey
> cums...din I cums agin..."
>
> FRANCOIS say, "That's ain't how I learnt it!"
>
> Well, Miss Prim & Proper is thinking, "Oh, my
> Lord!". She tries to tune them
> out, but is unsuccessful.
>
> BOUDREAUX say, "Idgit, shad-up and lemme splain!
> First, Emma cums...din I
> cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums
> agin...din da 2 asses, dey cums
> agin..."
>
> FRANCOIS say, "And din what?"
>
> BOUDREAUX say, "Din I cums agin..."
>
> Well, Miss Prim & Proper just can't take it anymore.
> She turns around in her
> seat to set the Cajuns straight.
> Lady: "Sirs, obviously your parents failed to teach
> you that it is highly
> improper to discuss such matters in public! I must
> insist that you cease
> this foul discussion immediately!"
>
> FRANCOIS say, "Lady, we ain't tawkin 'bout no
> birds."
>
> BOUDREAUX say, "I reckon yer Paw never tawt ya to
> mind yer own
> bidness, Lady."
>
> Then he turns to Cajun #2 and says, "Ferget her,
> Tee, and lissen.
> I got dis rite. I know I do: Emma cums first...din I
> cums...din da 2 asses,
> dey cums...din I cums agin...din da 2 asses, dey
> cums agin ...
> din here I cums agin...din da peepee cums...din I
> cums one mo time!"
>
> Lady: "That is disgusting and most inappropriate!!!"
>
> FRANCOIS say,
>
> "All right, Lady, how do YOU spell
>
> Mississippi?"
"Women's English"
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]
And to be fair......
"Men's English"
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.
THE SUPERIORITY OF RABBITS OVER FOXES AND WORLVES

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy
the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox
snuck up behind her and caught her.
"I am going to eat you for lunch!", said the fox.
"Wait!", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits
over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a
fox will always win over a rabbit."
"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come
into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go
ahead and have me for lunch."
"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had
nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.
A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing
and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.
"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."
"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"
"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of
Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.
"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might
have something contagious."
"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you
disagree with my conclusions."
So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.
The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local
lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem
very happy."
"Yup, I just finished my thesis."
"Congratulations. What's it about?"
"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself." So together they went down
into the rabbit's hole.
As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a
rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the
controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox
bones,
on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed
lion.
The moral of the story:
The title of your thesis doesn't matter. The subject doesn't matter.
The research doesn't matter. All that matters is who your advisor is.
Stages in Life
THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 beer
35 vodka
48 double vodka
66 Maalox
SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My second wife is dead.
FAVOURITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 sex
66 napping
DRUG
17 pot
25 coke
35 really good coke
48 power
66 coke, a limousine, the company jet
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."
FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 getting to third
25 aeroplane sex
35 menage a trios
48 taking the company public
66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
HOUSE PET
17 roaches
25 stoned-out college roommate
35 Irish setter
48 children from his first marriage
66 Barbie
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17
IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.
----------------------------------------------------------
THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE

AGE DRINK
17 Wine Coolers
25 White wine
35 Red wine
48 Dom Perignon
66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
17 Need to wash my hair
25 Need to wash and condition my hair
35 Need to colour my hair
48 Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 Need to have Francois colour my wig
FAVOURITE SPORT
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DRUG
17 shopping
25 shopping
35 shopping
48 shopping
66 shopping
DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "Burger King"
25 "Free meal"
35 "A diamond"
48 "A bigger diamond"
66 "Home Alone"
FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 tall, dark and handsome
25 tall, dark and handsome with money
35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 a man with hair
66 a man
HOUSE PET
17 Muffy the cat
25 Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
48 Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muffy the Cat
WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 17
25 25
35 35
48 48
66 66
IDEAL DATE
17 He offers to pay
25 He pays
35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 He can chew breakfast
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same
font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
9. You find a lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
8. On her TV show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
like your split-level, right down to the fallen liquorice downspout
and the half-open graham cracker garage door.
7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
rose petal & saffron demi-glace',with pecan-crusted hearts of palm and
a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
6. The unmistakable aroma of poupourri follows you

even after you leave the bathroom.
5. You discover that every napkin in the entire
house has been folded into a swan.
4. No matter "where" you eat, your place setting
always includes an oyster fork.
3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.
2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion
and endive stuffing in every orifice.
AND THE NUMBER 1 SIGN YOU'RE BEING STALKED BY MARTHA STEWART...
1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed
squarely at your temple.
Stalking the Beast

This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes
to visit a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run
on.
While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he
hears this whistle -- Whooee da Whoee! -- but doesn't know
what it is.
Predictably, he's hit -- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown,
ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, with some minor
internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's
house attending a party, one evening. While in the kitchen, he
suddenly hears the tea kettle whistling. He grabs a baseball
bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the
tea kettle into an unrecognisable lump of metal. His friend,
hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's
happened and asks the desert man: "Why'd you ruin my good
tea kettle?"
The desert man replies: "Man, you gotta kill these things when
they're small."
Stallion Protection
A farmer buys a cute little filly that he plans on racing next season,
but when he gets her home, his old stallion smells her and wants her and
starts kicking up dust. The farmer doesn't want her knocked up, because
she won't be able to race, so he calls the vet. The vet tells him to tie
a bedsheet around the filly's rump to keep the stallion away. So that
day, the farmer does just that. The next day, the farmer goes out to the
corral to make sure the vet's solution worked, but the filly's nowhere
to be found. The farmer follows her hoof trail to the neighbour's farm,
and sees the neighbour's kid out by their barn. "Hey boy, did you see a
filly run by with a bedsheet tied around her rump?" the farmer asks. The
kid replies, "No sir, but one dashed past here early this morning with a
handkerchief sticking out of her ass!"
Special Duty
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders
were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker
on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general
seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker
on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I
have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General,
I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"
Thanks Dear
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The
following exchange takes place....
The man says: "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."
[Man gives his wife a dirty look.]
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your
seat belt."
Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his
wife and yells: "Shut your mouth, woman!"
Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk
to you this way all the time?"
Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk."
23 MPH
A policeman is using his radar on people on a freeway and notices
a car that is going 23 mph. People are passing the car, blowing
their horns, and making hand gestures. The policeman is afraid
that someone is going to get in an accident, so he pulls the car
over. As he approaches the car he notices that the car has 4
older women in the car, 3 of whom look as if they've seen a
ghost.
The policeman asks the driver if she knows what her speed was and
she said, "Yes, sir." Curiosity gets the best of the policeman
and he asks what is wrong with the other three ladies.
"Well," the driver said,"The speed limit on this road is 23,
right?"
"No, ma'am" replied the cop," It is 65 and you are on route 23"
"Oh" replied the lady, "We just came from route 135!"
Spot the Dog

A young man was delighted to finally be asked home to meet the parents of
the young woman he'd been seeing for some time. He
was quite nervous about the meeting though, and by the time he arrived
punctually at the doorstep he was in a state of gastric distress.
The problem developed into one of acute flatulence, and halfway through the
dinner the young man realised he couldn't hold it
in one-second longer without exploding. A tiny fart escaped.
"Spot!" called out the young woman's mother to the family dog,
lying at the young man's feet.
Relieved at the dog's having been blamed, the young man let
another, slightly larger one go.
"Spot!" she called out sharply.
'I've got it made,' thought the fellow to himself. 'One more
and I will feel fine'. So he let loose a really big one.
"Spot!!!" shrieked the mother. "Get over here before he craps
on you!"
10 Reasons Why You Should Ask Your Boss For A Raise

10. You take your paycheck to the bank and the teller bursts out in hysterical l
aughter.
9. The Red Cross calls and offers you emergency assistance.
8. Your only charge cards are for the Salvation Army, ARC, and DAV thrift stores
.
7. You work full time and you still qualify for food stamps.
6. You empty out your piggy bank and then cook the bank and serve it for your Ea
ster ham.
5. All you can think about morning, noon and night is clipping grocery coupons.
4. You file your income taxes and the IRS returns them stamped, "Charity Case --
Return To Sender."
3. You set the world record for mailing $1.00 rebate requests to Young America,
Minnesota.
2. You pay all your bills, put your remaining $1 bill into your billfold and it
goes into shock.
1. You get arrested for taking the coins out of the fountain in the mall
Game of Pool ?
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's
drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some
limes and eats them; he then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball,
sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" said the guy.
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in
sight, the little jerk. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finished his drink, paid the bill and left the bar.
Two weeks later, he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He
orders a drink and the monkey starts running around. While the man is
finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He
grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?," he asks.
"Now what?" inquires the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it,"
says the barman.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything
in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything firs
t"
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN

1. You don't have to put cream in your coffee to make it taste good.
2. Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
3. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
4. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
5. You can always warm coffee up.
6. Coffee comes with endless refills.
7. Coffee is cheaper.
8. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
9. Coffee never runs out.
10. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
11. You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
12. You can smoke while drinking coffee.
13. You can put out a cigarette in a cup of coffee.
14. Coffee smells and tastes good.
15. You don't have to put vinegar in your coffee.
16. If your coffee pot leaks, you can use a regular paper towel.
17. You can always get fresh coffee.
18. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get ba
ck.
19. They sell coffee at police stations.
20. You can always ditch a bad cup of coffee.
21. Coffee goes down easier.
22. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
23. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
24. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
25. Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
26. Coffee smells good in the morning.
27. Coffee is good when it's cold too.
28. Coffee stains are easier to remove.
29. Coffee doesn't care when you dunk things in it.
30. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
31. Coffee doesn't shed.
32. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
33. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
34. Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
35. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
36. Coffee doesn't have a time of the month... it's good all the time.
37. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
38. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
39. Coffee doesn't mind if you wake up at 3 AM and decide to have a cup.
40. INSTANT COFFEE!
41. You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
42. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
43. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
The fly
>> > In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A Hot,
>> dry
>> > fly who said to no one in particular, "gosh... if I go down three
>> inches...I
>> > will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."
>> >
>> > There was a fish in the water thinking, "gosh if that fly goes down
>> three
>> > inches I can eat him."
>> >
>> > There was a bear on the shore thinking, "gosh if that fly goes down
>> three
>> > inches...that fish will jump for the fly... and I will eat him."
>> >
>> > It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake
>> preparing
>> > to eat a cheese sandwich. "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down
>> three
>> > inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and
>> grab
>> > for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."
>> >
>> > [You probably think this is enough activity for one bank of a lake,
>> but...
>> > there was more.]
>> >
>> > A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "gosh...if that fly goes
>> down
>> > three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ..and that bear grabs
>> for
>> > that fish...the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese
>> > sandwich."
>> >
>> > A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was
>> > fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunchtime
>> > "gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for
>> that
>> > fly... and that bear grabs for that fish..and that hunter shoots that
>> > bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich.... then I
can
>>
>> > have mouse for lunch."
>> >
>> > The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the
>> cooling
>> > mist of the water. The fish swallows the fly...the bear grabs the
>> fish...the
>> > hunter shoots the bear...the mouse grabs the cheese sandwich. The cat
>> jumps
>> > for the mouse...The mouse ducks...The cat falls into the water and
>> drowns.
>> >
>> > The moral of the story is:
>> >
>> > A fly only has to drop 3 inches before you get a wet pussy.
LeRoy
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked
her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, and
LeRoy," she answered.
"They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to
come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they
all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
Collage
The farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to
college. As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a
large mustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he
had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo h
e
scrawled "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortun
e to
send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
Subject: Hillbilly Clyde
>Hillbilly Clyde died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue
>needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and
>Jeke, were sent for. Clem went in and the Mortician pulled back the sheet.
>Clem said, "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over." So the Mortician
>rolled him over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, tain't Clyde." The
>Mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to
identify
>the body and Zeke took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad,
>roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and
>said, "No, tain't Clyde." The Mortician asked "How can you tell?" Zeke
>said, "Well Clyde had two assholes." "What?, He had two assholes?" said
the
>Mortician. "Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we
>went to town, folks would say, "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes..."
>
>
A truck driver came upon a couple fucking in the middle of the road.
He blew his horn,
blinked his lights and yet the couple never missed a stroke!
The driver stopped, got out and shouted at them, "Are you crazy,
didn't you here my horn, see my lights, didn't you know I was coming?"
The horny young man said, "Yes, I knew you were coming!
I knew she was coming and I knew I was coming!
I also knew you were the only one here with brakes!"
A teacher asked her young charges about lit light bulbs.

She asked if they had any advice for using a lit light bulb safely.
A little boy raised his hand. The teacher called on him and he said,
"Never stick a lit light bulb in your mouth."
The teacher said, "That is very good advice. Where did you learn that?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night I heard my mom say to my dad,
'Turn the light out before you put that thing in my mouth!'"
Karen
********************************************************************************
*************
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for
speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then, he
discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was
standing up the road with a hand painted sign
which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD."
The officer then found a young accomplice down the
road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of
change.
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding
through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was
included.
Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of
$40. The police responded with another mailed photo-of
handcuffs.
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the
motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping
open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going
to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he
realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got back on his motorcycle and left. She was
laughing too hard to start her car for several
Joke of the day
I overheard two guys talking: "I can't break my wife of the habit of staying up
until five in the morning."
"What on earth is she doing?", his friend asks.
"Waiting for me to get home."
The wife coyly tried to explain her purchase of a new pair of expensive imported
panties.
"After all, dear," she said, "you wouldn't expect to find fine perfume in a che
ap bottle,
would you?" "No," her husband replied.
"Nor would I expect to find a gift wrapping on a dead beaver."
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in New York City.
The mother was trying to hail a cab,
when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed women who were loitering on
a nearby street corner. The mother finally hailed her cab and they both climbed
in,
at which point the daughter asks her mother, "Mummy,
what are all those ladies waiting for by that corner?", to which the mother rep
lies,
"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come home from work.
" The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the mother and says,
"Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!!!! Tell your daughter the truth!!!! For crying out loud.
They're hookers!" A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter then asks
,
"Mummy, do the ladies have any children?" The mother replies, "Of course dear.
Where do you think cabbies come from?"
A young women was impressed by the massive Texan in the bar. "Pardon me, sir,
but can I ask about the measurements of your chest. I am amazed".
"Well thank you ma'am. It's 33 inches""Wow, around?" "No, ma'am. Through."
"Well, then, sir. What about your waist?" "It's 28 inches.""Around?""No, ma'am.
Through."
"Well, then. One last question. What about the size of your private, ahh , you
know"."You see, ma'am.
It's 3 inches!" "Wow, " said the woman. "Through?!" "No, Ma'am. From the floor".
Little Lucy was playing in the garden when she spotted two spiders mating.
"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?""They're mating, Lucy" he replied.
"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" Lucy asked.
"Oh, that's a Daddy Longlegs." Lucy asked, "Oh, so one's a Daddy Longlegs and
the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?"Daddy replied, "No, honey,
both of them are Daddy Longlegs."Lucy thought for a moment,
then took her foot and stamped them flat.
"Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing in OUR garden!!"
joke of the day

There were these two priests who rode bikes to church every Sunday.
Well one day one of the priests showed up to work without his bike.
One priest asked where his bike was. The other priest said, "I don't know, but I
think it got stolen!"
The other priest said, "Well what you do is read off the ten commandments,
and when you get to "Thou Shall Not Steal" someone will confes to the crime."
The next time the two saw each other the priest had his bicycle back.
"I see you got your bike back! Did you do what I said?," the one priest said.
The other said, "Well kind of,
when I was reading the commandments and I got to Thou Shall Not Commit Adultry,
I seemed to remember where I had left it."
A young peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory.

After 2 months she gave the boss a two-week notice.
The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working,
knew her tasks etc. He called her into his office, "But why?" he asked.
"Nothing, I just wanna quit that's all," she said sullenly. "Look, I'll give yo
u a raise.
""No," she said "You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason.
Tell me." "Okay if you must know..."
said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair,
"Look I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you...
" Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his,
and said, "Ha ha...my dear it's nature. Look I haveit too...."
"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now!"
" Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well."
A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check o
ut the
local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame,
"Is this a union house?"
"No, I'm sorry it isn't," she said. "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the g
irls get?"
he inquired. "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," the Madame replied.
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings,
the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.
His search continued throughout the night until finally he reached a brothel
where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."
"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" he asked.
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20," said the Madame.
"That's more like it!" the man said.
He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead.
"I'd like her for the night," he said. "I'm sure you would, sir," said the Mada
me,
... gesturing to an unattractive old woman in the corner, "...
but Bertha here has seniority!"
Amanpreet went to a bar and ordered a drink. A few minutes,

a beautiful blonde sat down next to him and started coming on to him.
Soon she invited him back to her place. Overcome with excitement, Preet agreed.
When they got to the bedroom, Preet exclaimed "Wow! A waterbed,
I've never had sex on a waterbed before.
"Soon they were both naked and going at it. The blonde stopped him and said,
"Before we go any further, don't you think you should put on some protection?"
"Good idea." he responded, and got up. Amanpreet walked out of the room,
and when he came back, he was wearing a lifepreserver.
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful blonde teen-aged
daughters.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months
of trying,
the wife became pregnant and sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy
baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he has ever seen.
He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father
of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered." Then he gave her a stern look
and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "N
ot this time."
RAn eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and fa
mily in his house.
His wife had made him a surprise cake,
and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.
Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst i
nto a crazed laughter,
for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes! The guest,
asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and wiping his eye
s,
the doctor said: "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who i
s a gynaecologist!"
Ray had just reached his 175th birthday last week. Surrounded by reporters, he w
as asked,
"Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to live to be 175?" Ray answered, "It was
easy.
I just never argue with anyone." The reporter shot back, "That's crazy.
It had to be something else -- diet, meditation, or *something*.
Just 'not arguing' won't keep you alive for 175 years!"
The old fella stared hard at the reporter for several seconds. Then he shrugged
.
"Hmmm. Maybe you're right."
Judi reported for her final examination which consisted ofYes / No answers.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper,
and then in a bit of inspiration, takes a quarter out of her purse.
She starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet "Yes"
for heads and "No" for tails.
Within 30 minutes she's all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it o
ut.
During the last few minutes of the exam period, Judi again frantically starts f
lipping thecoin again.
The moderator, concerned about what she's doing, stops by and asks if she's ok.
"Oh yes, I'm fine. I finished the exam a half hour ago -- but,
" explaining the frantic coin tossing, "I'm going back through it and checking
my answers!"
The eighty eight year old millionaire married an eighteen year old country girl.
He was quite content,
but after a few weeks she told him that she was going to leave him if she didn'
t get some loving real soon.
He had his chauffeured limousine take him to a high-priced specialist who studi
ed him and then gave
him a shot of spermatozoa. "Now look," the doctor said,
"the only way you're going to get it up is to say "beep," and then to get it so
ft again, you say,
"beep, beep.""How marvelous," the old man said. "Yes, but I must warn you," the
doctor said,"
it's only going to work three times before you die." On his way home,
the man decided he wasn't going to live through three of them anyway,
so he decided to waste one trying it out. "Beep!" he said. Immediately he was U
P. Satisfied,
he said, "beep, beep," and he was down again. He chuckled with delight and anti
cipation.
At that moment, a little yellow Volkswagen pulled past his limousine and went "
beep,"
and the car in the opposite lane responded with "beep beep." Alert to his jeopa
rdy,
the old man instructed his chauffeur to "speed it up."
He raced into the house as fast as he could for his last great lay. "Honey," he
shouted at her,
"don't ask questions. Just drop your clothes and hop into bed." Caught up in hi
s excitement, she did.
He undressed nervously and hurried in after her. Just as he was climbing into b
ed, he said, "beep,"
and he was UP. He was just starting to enter his young wife when she said,,
"What's all this "beep beep" shit?"
A married man was talking to his buddy, and he said, "I don't know what to get m
y wife for her birthday,
she has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants, so I
'm stumped." His buddy said,
"I have an idea, why don't you make up a certificate saying she can have 60 min
utes of great sex,
any way she wants it... she'll probably be thrilled." So the fellow did. The ne
xt day his buddy said,
"Well? Did you take my suggestion?""Yes, I did," said the fellow. "Did she like
it?" His buddy asked.
"Oh yes! She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the forehead and ran out the d
oor,
yelling 'I'll be back in an hour!!'"
One night, as a couple lay down for bed,

the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey,
I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later,
he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear,
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what they were
doing.
The parents' reply was that they were making fish sticks. So the little boy lef
t it at that.
A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this time he asks
,
"Are you making fish sticks again?" The parents both reply yes. The boy remarks
,
"Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your mouth."
Five men end up stranded on a tropical island.

The only female around is a gorilla on the other end of the island.
After one whole month the guys are all sitting around and Garry stands up and s
ays,
"I'm so horny, I can't take it anymore!"
So he grabs a bag and storms off to the other side of the island with his pals
right behind him.
They catch the gorilla, each guy grabs an arm or leg and Garry puts the bag ove
r the gorilla's head.
The gorilla fights and struggles and finally gets an arm free and she wraps it
around Garry's back.
Then she gets both feet free and wraps them around Garry's waist.
She gets her other arm free and grabs on to his hips and starts pulling him in
harder and harder.
Garry yells to his buddies...."Get it off!! Get it off!! They said, "You're on
top,
we can't get her off of you." Garry said... "No, I mean the bag..I want to kiss
the bitch!"
A middle aged woman went to her cosmetic surgeon to see what her options were co
ncerning her
rapidly sagging face. "We can give you an old fashioned face-lift,
or we can use a new high-tech procedure called the knob." "What is the knob,
doctor?", she asked.
"It is a procedure where we install a knob under the hair on the back of your h
ead.
We then connect it to the facial muscles which sag, and when you see new wrinkl
es and sagging,
you just tighten the knob a few turns and your skin is nice and tight again."
"Oh, yes! That is what I would like to have", she replied excitedly.
The operation was a complete success and she looked 15 years younger. As time p
assed,
when she would notice new sagging, she would simply tighten the knob and viola!
Her face was beautiful again.
One day about 8 years later she woke up one morning and saw very large bags und
er her eyes.
Alarmed, she called her doctor and reported the bags.
"You had better get right over and let me check this out!" the doctor replied.
After examining her, he said "the bags under your eyes are your breasts." To wh
ich she said,
"Well, I guess that explains the goatee!"
"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary.

"It's a wonder he can sell and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."
Just then the door flew open, and in bounced George.
"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch,
I met Old Man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well,
we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"
"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the s
andwiches."
An hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in West Virginia,
when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar.
After a half dozen drinks,
he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room,
and she readily agreed. "Say, how old are you anyway?"
the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile. "Thirteen ??? My God girl !!!
You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here !
Are you crazy ?" he thundered. Pausing briefly at the door as she left,
the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh ?"
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when
he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he
had forgotten his false teeth. Turning to the man next to him, he said,
"I forgot my teeth." The man said, "No problem." With that,
he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth.
"Try these," he said. The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false
teeth...
try them." The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address.
After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who
had helped him."I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office?
I've been looking for a good dentist." The man replied, "I'm not a dentist.
I'm the local undertaker."
The visiting American was quite upset by his sudden drop in popularity.
During his first week in England he had been invited almost everywhere,
feted and entertained. Now, for reasons unknown,
his phone had fallen silent and no invitations appeared in the mail.
Perplexed, he called his friend Sir Reginald. "Reggie old boy,
you can speak frankly with me," said the man, "What's happened ?
I'm being virtually ostracized." "Well, old chap," Reggie replied,
"think back to the Royal Fox Hunt last week. I'm afraid it's customary to cry '
Tally ho,
Your Majesty!' when you sight the fox. Not, I'm afraid,
"There goes the dirty little son-of-a-bitch, Lizzy!'"
Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.
Susan told the insurance company,
"We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."
The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan.
Insurance doesn't work quite like that.
We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new
one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Susan replied,
"Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class.
She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly
identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off.
She started with "This was England's finest hour."
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, " Winston Churchill."
"Congratulations said the teacher you may go home." The teacher then said,
"Ask not what your country can do for you." Before she could finish this quote,
another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy"."Very good" says the teacher,
"you may go." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities,
Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up."
Upon overhearing this comment,
the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to
his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday."
Bloke is drinking at a pub and after a few rounds goes to leave,

explaining to the barman he has to go home to do a shit. "Don't be stupid,"
says the barman, "We've got a perfectly good toilet here!" "Yes," explains the
drinker,
"but I take salts." "So what??!! That doesn't matter - you can still use the to
ilet here!"
The drinker reluctantly agrees and heads for the toilet.
After a few moments there is loud banging and the bloke emerges,
followed by a foul smell. The barman races into the toilet where he sees crap
all over the ceiling and walls. He races back into the bar.
"What the hell went on in there?!" he demands. "I told you," explained the drin
ker.
"No, you said that you take salts!" yelled the barman. "That's right,"
the drinker shrugs, "somersaults."
The medics rush Mr. Steinberg to the hospital in the middle of the night,
apparently with a massive heart attack.
The doctors work on him all night and morning and finally discharge him to ICU,
where therapy continues. In a couple of days Mr.
Steinberg's physician comes into his room and says,
"Sol, I'm happy to tell you that you are completely well.
You have the heart function that you did when you were a fifteen-year-old lad.
We're going to send you home tomorrow. You don't have to worry about your heart
;
do any physical exercise that you like." Mr.
Steinberg goes home and that evening is talking with his wife:
"Doris, you'll never believe it: I'm completely well. I have no worries with my
heart.
Tonight, Darling, you and I are going to make love like you've never had before
, wild,
passionate sex....you'll love it!" Doris thinks for a minute and says,
"I don't know, Sol. I've heard about active sex and heart conditions.
I don't want it to be on my head if you croak while we are making love. Maybe,
just maybe, if your doctor wrote a note to me saying that everything was OK...
maybe I would have such sex with you....
" Mr. Steinberg was dejected, but the next day he was in his doctor's office;
his doctor tells him, "Sure, sure, Sol, no problem, I'll write the note. Let's
see,
here's my prescription pad: "Mr. Sol Steinberg,
a patient of mine, has the heart function of a fifteen-year-old lad and can hav
e mad,
passionate, adventurous sex any time that he so desires, signed, Dr. Aaron Katz
.......
Now, I'll just address this.......By the way, Sol, what's your wife's first nam
e?"
"Uh, Doctor, could you just make that, 'To Whom It May Concern"?
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?"
ask the interviewer. "Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost bothtesticles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am." "When does everyone else start?
I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you.
Nothing gets done between 7 and 10.
We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes.
The salesman says, "But, sir, I can see from up here you're at least a size 11.
"The guy says, "Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe." The salesman brings them,
the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up,
obviously in pain. He says to the salesman, "I lost my business and my house,
I live with my mother-in-law, my wife is screwing my best friend,
my daughter is pregnant, and my son is gay.
The only pleasure I have in life is taking off these fucking shoes."
An able-bodied seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting
their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg,
hook, and eye patch the seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?
" The pirate replies,
"We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overbo
ard.
Just as they were pullin' me out,
a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off."
"Blimey!" said the seaman. "What about the hook?" "Ahhhh...,"
mused the pirate, "we were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin'
and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the seaman. "And how came ye by the eyepatch?"
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye," answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well," said the pirate, "it was me first day with the hook."
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time.

Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says
"I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful rambling rose.
May I call on you tomorrow?" She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard
across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked.
She said "I looked up rambling rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said
'Not well suited to bedding but is excellent for rooting up against a garden wa
ll.'"
A man was driving home late one night and was feeling very horny.
As he passed a pumpkin patch, his mind started to wander.
He thought to himself, "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside,
and there is no one around here for miles." He pulled over to the side of the r
oad,
picked out a nice juicy-looking pumpkin, cut the appropriate size hole in it,
and began to do the pumpkin. After a while, he is really into it,
so doesn't notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir,
but do you realize that you are having sex with a pumpkin?"
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin?
Is it midnight already?"
The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her
maid.
"Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said.
"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that.
A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."
The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving gi
rl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress.
She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein,
and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husb
and.
"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid repli
ed.
""Of course," the woman replied. "Then what about five more inches?"
A marriage broker offered Morty a beautiful young girl, a real prize, to be his
wife.
But Morty was stubborn. "I'm a businessman," Morty argued.
"Before I buy material from a mill, I look at swatches.
So before I get married, I must have a sample also."
The broker had no choice but to relay the message to the girl.
"He says he is a good businessman, and he has to know exactly what he's buying.
He insists on a sample." "Listen," the girl replied. "I'm also good at business
.
A sample I don't give. But, I will give him references!"
The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked,
"You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowher
e."
This guy was driving down the highway and was pulled over by the cops.
The cop asked the man for his name and the guy replied, "Earl."
"You got a last name, Earl?" "Nope. It's a long story, Officer." "I got time."
Earl sighs and says, "Well, Officer, at first I was known as Earl Doo-Daa.
I was going to school to become a doctor,
and I did, so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD.
I got bored just being a doctor so I went to dental school, graduated,
and became Earl Doo-Daa, M.D., D.D.
After a little more time I fooled around with this girl and got VD.
So I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, MD, DD, with VD.
When the medical board found out about my VD they took away my MD
so I was known as Earl Doo-Daa, DD with VD.
The dentistry board also found out about the VD and took away my DD making
me Earl Doo-Dah with VD. Finally, the VD took away my Doo-Dah so I'm now just E
arl."
Two little boys were arguing. "My father is better than your father!" "No he's n
ot!"
"My brother is better than your brother!" "No he's not!"
"My mother is better than your mother!" The second boy paused.
"Well I guess you've got me there. My father says the same thing."
A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up,
he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing,"
says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.
"Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the
closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks
in garbled speech. "And what if I swallow it?" "No problem," says the barber.
"Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing
pants,
a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?" The farmer
says,
"We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off,
so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm.
There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one f
oot
and get his pants down with the other."
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept
confessing adultery. One Sunday, from the pulpit, he said,
"If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone like
d him,
so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would
say they had "fallen." This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went we
ll,
until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arri
ved,
he visited the Mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said,
"You have to do something about the sidewalks in town.
When people come to the confessional, they keep talking about having 'fallen.'"
The Mayor started to laugh,
realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain,
the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
"I don't know what you're laughing about! Your wife fell three times this week.
"
KID: "Mother, doesn't God give us our daily bread?"

MOM: "Yes, dear."
KID: "And Santa brings us our toys at Christmas?"
MOM: "Yes, dear."
KID: "And the stork brings babies?"
MOM: "Why certainly, dear."
KID: "Then what's the old man hanging around for?"
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him.
The moral: when you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
When I was in jr. high, all I wanted was a girl with big boobs. In high school,
I dated a girl with big boobs, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl. In college, I dated a passionate girl,
but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she cried all the time.
So I decided I needed a girl with some stability. I found a very stable girl,
but she was boring. She never got excited about anything.
So I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. I found an exciting girl,
but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another,
never settling on anything. She was without direction.
So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. After college,
I found an ambitious girl and married her. She was so ambitious,
she divorced me and took everything I owned. NOW all I want is a girl with big
boobs!!
A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said,
"I'll have a shave and a shoe shine."
The barber began to lather his face while a woman with the biggest,
firmest, most beautiful breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began
to shine his shoes. The cowboy said, "Young lady,
you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.
" She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.
The cowboy said, "Tell him your working overtime and I'll pay you the differenc
e."
She said, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
Attorney to prospective juror: "How do you feel about defense attorneys?"

Juror: "They should all be drowned at birth."
Attorney: "So you are biased towards the prosecution?"
Juror: "Not really, I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth also."
Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says,
"Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the
gear,
electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same,
would you give me one?" Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back?
Thirty years? We've been best friends since school,
and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings
,
exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you." So, they keep walki
ng.
After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol,
if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts, you know,
with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same,
would you give one of themto me?" Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers,
you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah,
we have gone to the same shul together for all these years.
If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts,
exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv,
I really would give the other one to you." They keep walking.
A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had two chickens...
" "Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon
a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of
a prestigious natural-history museum. "I've just discovered a 3,000 year-old
mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, "Bring him in. We'll check it out." A week later,
the amazed curator called the archaeologist.
"You were right about the mummy's age and cause of death.
How in the world did you know?" "Easy.
There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, '10,000 Shekels on Goliath'."
Last night my spouse was berating me for wanting to check my email as soon
as I got home from work. "You know", she complained,
"I think that work rules your life". "No dear," I replied,
"YOU rule my life. I just prefer work."
What do a Deck of Card's and a Woman have in Common ?

You need a heart to love them.
A Diamond tp Marry them.
A Club to bash them.
And a Spade to Bury them
> > > > A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a >humming sound comin
g
> > > from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she >found her
> > > daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you >doing?" she
> > > exclaimed.
> > > The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home >with my parents >
and
> > > this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
> > > Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard >a humming sound
> > > coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he >found his daughter
> > > naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you >doing?" he exclaimed.
> > > The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home >with my parents >a
nd
> > > this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.
> > > A couple of days later the mother heard the humming >sound again, this >t
ime
> > > in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found >her husband >watchi
ng
> > > television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
> > > "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching >the game with my
> > > son-in-law."
>
>There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
>dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the
>doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam
>came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money
>to >buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it.
>The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in,
>she >told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the
>girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd
>heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and
>get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted.
>Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
>madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he
>headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
>later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and
>headed
>out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he
>picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of
>the others.
>He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
>going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
>When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to
>be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I
>just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
>home, >and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the
>disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom will go
>to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when
>dad >goes to work, the milkman will dliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie
>with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my
>FROG!!"
Joke of the day

Why are lesbians so lazy?
Because they don't do dick and they always eat out!
Women Only
A group of girlfriends is on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a s
ign that reads "For Women Only"
Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.
"We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are lookin
g for, you can stay there.
It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside"
So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men her
e have it short and thin"...
the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here have it long and thin".
Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the Third floor,
where the sign read "All the men here have it short and thick".
This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left
, they move on to the next floor.
In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and
thick"
The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one
floor left.
Wondering what they were missing, they go to the next floor.
Fifth floor, where the sign read "There are no men here.
This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman"
A husband,tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mir
ror.
This does little to help,as now she just stands in front of the mirror,
looking at herself,asking him how she looks. One day,fresh out of the shower,
she is yet again in front of the mirror now complaining that her breasts are too
small.
Uncharacteristically,the husband comes up with a suggestion.
"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper,
and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything,
the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper,and stands in front of the mirror,
rubbing it between her breasts. "How long will this take?" she asks.
"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies. The wife stops.
"Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts
every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" The husband shrugs.
"Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"
He lived, and, with a great deal of therapy,he might even walk again.....
MAKES YOU THINK

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a
Phillip's Screwdriver?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two
cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages when it's just stale bread to
begin
with?
When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who
drives
a race car not called a racist?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the
universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint
you
will have to touch it to be sure?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland
called "Holes?"
> > > > HOW TO DRIVE PEOPLE INSANE

At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer
at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with tha
t.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has
gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
- Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
- Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level
lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
- Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your
boss is the opposite gender.)
- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them where you're
going. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
>Subject: Heaven's Grocery Store
Her is something just a little bit inspirational, hope it puts a smile on your
face as it did for me. Mike
Heavens Grocery Store Read this story,
and follow the recommendation at the end......
As I was walking down life's
>> > > > > highway many years ago
>> > > > > I came upon a sign that read
>> > > > > Heavens Grocery Store.
>> > > > > >> > > > > When I got a little closer
>> > > > > the doors swung open wide
>> > > > > And when I came to myself
>> > > > > I was standing inside.
>> > > > > >> > > > > I saw a host of angels.
>> > > > > They were standing everywhere
>> > > > > One handed me a basket and said
>> > > > > "My child shop with care."
>> > > > > >> > > > > Everything a human needed
>> > > > > was in that grocery store
>> > > > > And what you could not carry
>> > > > > you could come back for more.
>> > > > > >> > > > > First I got some Patience.
>> > > > > Love was in that same row.
>> > > > > Further down was Understanding,
>> > > > > you need that everywhere you go.
>> > > > > >> > > > > I got a box or two of Wisdom
>> > > > > and Faith a bag or two.
>> > > > > And Charity of course
>> > > > > I would need some of that too.
>> > > > > >> > > > > I couldn't miss the Holy Ghost
>> > > > > It was all over the place.
>> > > > > And then some Strength and Courage
>> > > > > to help me run this race.
>> > > > > >> > > > > My basket was getting full but
>> > > > > I remembered I needed Grace,
>> > > > > And then I chose Salvation for
>> > > > > Salvation was for free
>> > > > > I tried to get enough of that
>> > > > > to do for you and me.
>> > > > > >> > > > > Then I started to the counter
>> > > > > to pay my grocery bill,
>> > > > > For I thought I had everything
>> > > > > to do the Masters will.
>> > > > > >> > > > > As I went up the aisle I saw
>> > > > > Prayer and put that in,
>> > > > > For I knew when I stepped outside
>> > > > > I would run into sin.
>> > > > > >> > > > > Peace and Joy were plentiful,
>> > > > > the last things on the shelf.
>> > > > > Song and Praise were hanging near
>> > > > > so I just helped myself.
>> > > > > >> > > > > Then I said to the angel
>> > > > > "How much do I owe?"
>> > > > > He smiled and said
>> > > > > "Just take them everywhere you go."
>> > > > > >> > > > > Again I asked "Really now,
>> > > > > how much do I owe?"
>> > > > > "My child " he said,
>> > > > > "God paid your bill a long,
>> > > > > long time ago."
>> > > > > >> > > > > This poem has been sent to you with love
>> > > > > and for good luck. It originated
>> > > > > in the Netherlands and has been around
>> > > > > the world 9 times. The luck has now
>> > > > > come to you and you will receive good
>> > > > > luck in the mail within six days of
>> > > > > receiving this letter providing you sent
>> > > > > it out to someone else. Do not
>> > > > > send money as this message has no price.
>> > > > > Do not keep this letter but send
>> > > > > it on to someone who needs good luck.
>> > > > > Of course, good luck is just another
>> > > > > way of saying blessings. Send five copies
>> > > > > within 90 hours of reading this
>> > > > > and see what happens in six days. >> > >
>> >>Hey. >>I'm not a lumberjack, >>or a fur trader...

>>and I don't live in an igloo
>>or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
>>and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from
>>Canada, >>although I'm certain they're really, really nice.
>> >>I have a Prime Minister, >>not a President.
>>I speak english and french, >>NOT american.
>>and I pronouce it 'ABOUT', >>NOT 'A BOOT'.
>> >>I can proudly sow my country's flag on my
>>backpack. >>I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
>>DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
>>AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE
>>ANIMAL. >>A TOQUE IS A HAT,
>>A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
>>AND IT IS PRONOUCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
>> >>CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
>>THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY!
>>AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!
>> >>MY NAME IS JOE!!
>>AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!
>> >>If you truely are Canadian, read this out loud at the top of
>>your lungs, add your name and then send it on its merry way to as many
>>canadians as possible
>> >> > TOP BUMPER STICKER'S SEEN AROUND THE WORLD !
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 1. Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 3. If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 5. If You Don't Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth >>
> > > >> Shut.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could
>> > > > >> Drive A Little >> > > > >> Better.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 11. If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone
>> > > > >> Else And Seek >> > > > >> Counseling.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 12. Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard
>> > > > >> Feelings".
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 13. If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 14. Horn Broken...Watch For Finger.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 15. It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You
>> > > > >> Put The Booger. >
> > > > >> >> > > > >> 16. If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 17. You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are
>> > > > >> Talking To Me
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 18. The Earth Is Full - Go Home
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 19.I Have The Body Of A God...Buddha
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't
>> > > > >> Happening To Me
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 21. So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 24. The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember
>> > > > >> My Name
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 26.Illiterate?Write For Help
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 28. Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From
>> > > > >> The Next Exit
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 30.I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed
>> > > > >> Person >> > > > >> >> > > > >> 31.You!Out Of The Gene Pool!
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 32.I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Hand
>> > > > >> basket?
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 37. If Sex Is A Pain In The Ass, Then You're Doing It
>> > > > >> Wrong... >> > > > >> >> > > > >> 38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back
>> > > > >> Over...[Seen Upside Down, >> > > > >> On A Jeep]
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are
>> > > > >> Also Timed For >> > > > >> 70mph.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No
>> > > > >> Charge [Reported To Be
>> > > > >> Seen On A Restaurant]
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My
>> > > > >> Mailman Look Like >> > > > >> Jabber The Hut?
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 43.Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack
>> > > > >> Open A Cold One. >> > > > >> >> > > > >> 44. Ax Me About Ebonics
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 46. Boldly Going Nowhere
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 47. Cat: The Other White Meat
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 48. Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 49. Don't Be Sexist - Broads Hate That
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 50. Heart Attacks...God's Revenge For Eating His
>> > > > >> Animal Friends
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 51. Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car
>> > > > >> Window
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He
>> > > > >> Admits He Is Lost?
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 53. If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle
>> > > > >> Them With Bullets.
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 54. Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The
>> > > > >> Kids In Touch
>> > > > >> >> > > > >> 55. Saw It...Wanted It...Had A Fit...Got It!
> > >I am Woman >I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
>And I can justify any shopping spree.
>Don't go to a barber, but a beauty salon
>Can get a massage without a hard-on.
>I can balance the checkbook, can pump my own gas
>Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.
>My beauty's a masterpiece, and yes, it takes long.
>At least I can admit to others when I'm wrong.
> >I don't drive in circles at any cost,
>And I don't have a problem admitting I'm lost.
>I never forget an important date
>You just gotta deal with it, I'm usually late.
>I don't watch movies with lots of gore
>Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
>I won't lose my hair; I don't get jock itch,
>And just cause I'm assertive, Don't call me a bitch.
>Don't say to your friends, Oh yeah, I can get her
>In your dreams, my dear, I can do better!
>Flowers are okay, but jewelry's best.
>Would you look at my face, Not at my chest!
>I don't have a problem with expressing my feelings
>I know when you're lying; you look at the ceiling.
>Don't call me a girl, A babe or a chick.
>I am a WOMAN, Get it, you prick?!
> >Now, you must forward this to 4 FEMALES or you will have a HORRIBLE streak
>of bad love life. Not that I believe the above, I just
>think you should forward this to 4 women so they can laugh too!!! >
Differences Between You and Your Boss

When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's t
horough.
When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.
When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's o
nly human.
When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.
When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's be
ing firm.
When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.
When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.
When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.
When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.
When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.
When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.
Quick Wit: Two children were sitting outside a clinic.

One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child: I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So? Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying.
The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!
Today's MailBits.com Joke:

The principal had a problem with some girls who were starting to use lipstick.
When applying it in the bathroom they would blot their lips on the mirrors,
leaving lip prints. Before it got out of hand, he thought of a way to stop it.
One day he gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick.
He then took them into the bathroom and lectured about how hard it was to clean
the lipstick off the mirrors.
The principle then asked the custodian, who was present, to demonstrate.
The custodian took a long handled brush,
dipped it into the toilet and vigorously rubbed the lipstick off the mirror.
From that day forward, the mirrors stayed lipstick free.
Quick Wit: "I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.
"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match wi
th the sample found on the victim's dress.
" "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholest
erol is down to 140!"
Quick Wit:
Actress Jane Wyman tells of her most embarrassing moment,
which happened when she was entertaining some very special guests.
After making sure the entire house was in order, she put a note on the guest to
wels which read,
"If you use these, I will murder you." It was intended for her husband. In the
haste of her preparations,
she forgot to remove the note.
When the guests had departed, she found the towels--and the note--exactly as she
had left them."

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately,
he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful pers
on.
In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work,
his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and
haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in- law would blurt out wh
ile hiding behind a drape,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave an
d haunt you.
Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail,
my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the bar and say,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave an
d haunt you."
Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer
I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling.
He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!
" I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said,
"Hell, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"
Today's MailBits.com Joke: As a poor student, these are things you definitely wo
uld NOT want to see happen
at the ATM...
* You go to get a balance inquiry, and instead of printing out a receipt the scr
een says:
"Not worth wasting paper.",
and ejects your card.
* You try to get a balance inquiry, and the screen says: "Account not found." an
d keeps your card.
* You insert your card, and try to get some cash, and the ATM laughs and spits o
ut your shredded card.
* You withdraw some money to pay some bills, count it, and the screen says:
"What, you thought there was some EXTRA there? HA!", and ejects your card clear
across the room.
* You think you've got $100 in your account and go to take out $50, and the scre
en says:
"Not in this lifetime." and laughs as you bang on the machine,
trying desperately to get your card back that the machine has taken.
* You go to the ATM, and there's a picture of you a-la-"Most Wanted"
staring forlornly at the ATM camera with a caption that reads:
"Wanted for trying to get water from a dry well." -or-
"Wanted by the environmental police for creating unnecessary paper trash.
Quick Wit:
You might be a redneck if you've been too drunk to fish.
-- Jeff Foxworthy I ask people why the have deer heads on their walls. They say
"Because it's such a beautiful animal.
" There you go! I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
-- Ellen DeGeneres
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed,
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."
"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still
have no luck with the ladies.
No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is
not a serious problem.
You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up an
d run to the bathroom mirror.
Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person,
and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.
" The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit exc
ited.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.
"It worked alright.
For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life wit
h the most
fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife d
oes."
Quick Wit: I have nephews.
I go visit my nephews. I get out of the car. They see me and drop what they are
doing and hug my legs.
I feel like the most important person on God's earth. Seven minutes later I wou
ld trade their pelts for whiskey.
I look down at then. "How could you be so obnoxious!?" Then I look at my brothe
r.
-- Brent Cushman

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three en
gineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "
Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all Th
ree engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tic
kets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a t
icket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the con
ference,
the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some m
oney.
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To t
heir astonishment, the engineers buy no tickets at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant. "
Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the thr
ee engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to t
he restroom where the accountants are hiding.
He knocks on the door and says, "ticket please."
Quick Wit:
Our parents got divorced when we were kids and it was kind of cool.
We got to go to divorce court with them. It was like a game show. My mom won th
e house and car.
We're all excited. My dad got some luggage.
-- Tom Arnold
One day this man goes to the local brothel. He was extremely horny! He goes to t
he madame and says "I am soooo horny,
I need to get laid really bad. But I only have ten dollars." The madame tells h
im "Sorry I run a nice clean high class brothel here,
I don't have anything for ten dollars." The man says "No I REALLY need to get la
id, there has to be something you can do."
The madame thinks for a second and says "Well maybe, follow me" She leads him u
pstairs to one of the rooms.
She opens the door and inside is the cleaning lady( who must be in her 50s or 60
s).
The madame says "For ten dollars you can have her if you would like" The man sa
ys "She is a little old but damn
I need to get laid, so here is my ten dollars" The man enters the room and start
s haveing sex with the old woman.
They are going at it for about an hour or so. Finally after they are finished th
e man starts putting his clothes back on and says
"WOW, that was the best sex I have ever had. I don't believe how good that just
was" The old woman replies "
Yea that was pretty good after all the blisters poped."

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed,
"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the
doctor inquired.
"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how
hard I try,
I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem.
You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up a
nd run to the bathroom mirror.
Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive perso
n. But say it with real conviction.
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit exci
ted.
Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
"Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright.
For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with
the most fabulous looking women."
"So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife
does."
Quick Wit: I have nephews.
I go visit my nephews. I get out of the car. They see me and drop what they are
doing and hug my legs.
I feel like the most important person on God's earth. Seven minutes later I wou
ld trade their pelts for whiskey.
I look down at then. "How could you be so obnoxious!?" Then I look at my brothe
r.
-- Brent Cushman
> > > > A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a >humming sound comin
g
> > > from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she >found her
> > > daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you >doing?" she
> > > exclaimed. > > > The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home >w
ith my parents >and
> > > this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
> > > Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard >a humming sound
> > > coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he >found his daughter
> > > naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you >doing?" he exclaimed.
> > > The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home >with my parents >a
nd
> > > this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.
> > > A couple of days later the mother heard the humming >sound again, this >ti
me
> > > in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found >her husband >watchi
ng
> > > television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.
> > > "What are you doing?" she asked. He replied, "Watching >the game with my
> > > son-in-law."
>There was this little boy about 12 years old walking down the sidewalk
>dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He comes up to the
>doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocks on the door. When the madam
>came to answer it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
>He said he wanted to have sex with one of the women inside, had the money
>to
>buy it, and wasn't leaving until he got it.
>The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once he got in,
>she
>told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked her if any of the
>girls had any diseases, and of course the madam said no. But he said he'd
>heard that all the men were talking about having to go to the hospital and
>get shots after making love with Mable, and THAT was the girl he wanted.
>Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
>madam told him to go upstairs and go to the first room on the right. So he
>headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten minutes
>later he came back down, still dragging the frog, paid the madam, and
>headed
>out the door, at which time the madam stopped him and asked him just why he
>picked the only girl she had in the place with a disease, instead of one of
>the others.
>He said: "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are
>going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a baby-sitter.
>When they leave, I'm going to have sex with my baby-sitter, who happens to
>be very fond of cute little boys, and then she will get the disease that I
>just caught. When mom and dad get back, dad will take the baby-sitter
>home,
>and on the way, he'll jump the babysitter's bones, and he'll catch the
>disease. Then when dad gets home from the babysitters, he and mom will go
>to bed and they'll have sex, and mom will catch it. In the morning when
>dad
>goes to work, the milkman will dliver the milk, and he'll have a quickie
>with mom, and he'll catch it, and HE'S the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my
>FROG!!"
> Here's your daily CyberCheeze!

> > Blonde Detectives
> > A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become
> detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the
> first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.
> > "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
> > The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he > on
ly has one eye!"
> > The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his > prof
ile."
> > Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for
> 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her,"This is your suspect, how
> would you recognize him?"
> > The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy
> to catch because he only has one ear!"
> > The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course
> only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his profile!
> Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
> > Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third
> blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you
> recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid > answer
."
> > The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The
> suspect wears contact lenses."
> > The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know
> himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
> > "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I
> check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and
> goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes
> back with a beaming smile on his face.
> > "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
> lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
> > "That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because
> he only has one eye and one ear."
>Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed >in
>the local paper. >Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.
>The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose >
the one with the best act.
>At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since
>she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair.
>She looked more like a model than a trainer.
>The man's only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his
>cracked and leathery lips.
>The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, "Ladies >before
>Gentleman."
>So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music
>started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned
>the attendant to release the tiger.
>The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her
>whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was
>born. >The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,... then suddenly leaped >t
oward
>her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her
>head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on
>the tiger's face all around the cage. >Then the owner looked at the man and sai
d, "That's quite an act,...
>Think you can do better than that?"
>The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, "No problem, just get >th
at tiger out of the cage!"
> > >

Two Southern belles were sitting in a porch swing one >afternoon.
> > >
During the conversation, Miss Mary says, "Miss >Elizabeth, when my daddy
> > >
made his first million, he bought me the finest horses >and fenced them
> > >
inside beautiful pastures."
> > >
Miss Elizabeth, creating a breeze to her brow with her >lace fan, smiles
> > >
and says, "My, my!"
> > >
Miss Mary continues and says, "and Miss
> > >
Elizabeth, when my daddy made his second million, he >bought me the
> > >
grandest carriages to take me wherever I need to go."
> > >
Miss Elizabeth smiles at Miss Mary and says,
> > >
"My, my!" "What did your daddy do for you Miss >Elizabeth?" asked
> > >
Miss Mary. "Why my daddy sent me to finishing >school," said Miss
> > >
Elizabeth so sweetly.
> > >
"That's nice," smirked Miss Mary. "And what did you >learn in finishing
> > > school?"
> > > Miss Elizabeth said, "I learned to say, 'My, My' >instead of fuck you!" >
> >
A married couple trying to live up to a snobbish lifestyle went to a party.
The conversation turned to Mozart. "Absolutely brilliant, magnificent, a genius
!"
The woman, wanting to join in the conversation, remarked casually,
"Ah, Mozart. You're so right. I love him. Only this morning I saw him getting on
the No.
5 bus going to Coney Island." There was a sudden hush, and everyone looked at h
er.
Her husband was mortified. He pulled her away and whispered, "We're leaving rig
ht now.
Get your coat and let's get out of here." As they drove home, he kept muttering
to himself.
Finally his wife turned to him. "You're angry about something." "Oh really? You
noticed?"
he sneered. "I've never been so embarrassed in my life! You saw Mozart take the
No.
5 bus to Coney Island? You idiot! Don't you know the No.
5 bus doesn't go out to Coney Island?"
Quick Wit:
As they left the auditorium after a two-hour lecture on ninetheeth-century Engli
sh poets, the wife exclaimed,
"Didn't it make your mind soar?" "Yes," her husband agreed grimly, "and my backs
ide, too!"
An amazing 1 out of every 3 FreeLotto players have already won cash, cars,
or luxury vacations!Why wait?
A woman called up a pet store and said, "Send me ten-thousand

cockroaches at once."
"What in the world do you want with ten-thousand cockroaches?"
asked the clerk.
"Well," replied the woman, "I am moving today and my lease
says I must leave the place in the same condition I found it."

A carpet layer had worked all day installing wall-to-wall carpeting.
When he noticed a lump under the carpet in the middle of the living room,
he felt his shirt pocket for his cigarettes--they were gone.
He was not about to pull the carpet back up, so he went outside for a two-by-fo
ur.
Stamping down cigarettes with it would be easy. Once the lump was smoothed,
the man gathered up his tools and carried them to his truck. Then two things hap
pened simultaneously.
He saw his cigarettes on the seat of the truck,
and over his shoulder he heard the voice of the woman to whom the carpet belong
ed.
"Have you seen anything of my parakeet?" she asked plaintively.
Quick Wit:
Evangelists say Halloween is the devil's holiday.
What a lame-ass devil! Sitting down in the depths of hell, going,
"I've got control of the major corporations,
churning out weapons and toxic waste,
but how can I get candy? Let me think--I'll get the children of the world to dre
ss up as hobos and
Power Rangers--and then I'll have all the bite-size Three Musketeers I need! I
am Satan!"
-- Patton Oswalt
The inmates of a prison had a joke book they all had memorized.
They way they recited jokes was by the number of the joke.
Some fellow would call out a number from one to one hundred and all would laugh.
A new man in the prison, after studying the book, said he wanted to tell a joke.
They said, "Okay, shoot!" He said, "Number 10," but nobody laughed. He said
"This is funny. What's wrong; why aren't you laughing?"
A fellow nearby said, "Some can tell them and some can't."
Quick Wit:
Did you ever read that book "Everything I Needed to Know I Learned in Kindergar
ten"?
I learned only two things in kindergarten: First, if someone has something you
want,
you can remove it from them physically. And second, Elmer's glue makes a great
between-meals snack.
-- Gary Barkin
> > Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said "I was cleaning the
> > Fathers
> > room the other day and do you know what I found?? A bunch of
> > pornographic > > magazines".
> > > > What did you do? the other nuns asked..."Well, of course I threw
> > them in the trash!"
> > > > The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room
> > putting away laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
> > > > "Oh my" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked
holes in all of them", she said.
> > > > The third nun said, "OH Shit!!!"
> > > > ******************************************* The Sheik
> > > > Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they came upon thi
s harem with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came
in. "I am the master of all these women.
No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have
done today.
You will each die and in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik tu
rns to the first man and asks him
> > what > > he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Alright, s
hoot his penis off!", said the sheik.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm
a firemen", said the second man.
"Alright, burn his penis off!", said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man
, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
And the third man answered, with a big smile on his face, "I'm a lollipop sal
esman!"
> > > > * Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
> > > > > > > > One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the thir
d man was
a > > > > chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a governme
nt worker.
> > > > > > > > To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your
stuff."
> > > > T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and pro
mptly
> > > > drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was prett
y incredible.
> > > > > > > > But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to h
is dog and commanded
> > > > "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and
returned with a dozen cookies.
He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that wa
s good.
> > > > > > > > But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his
dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
> > > > Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, go
t a
> > > > 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without
> > > > spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive
.
> > > > > > > > The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have
at it."
> > > > Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for virus
es,
> > > > upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new
game.
> > > > > > > > Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.
> > > > > > > > Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "Wh
at can your dog do?"
> > > > The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do yo
ur stuff, Boy."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all
the files on the computer,
sexually assaulted the other four dogs, claimed he injured his back while doi
ng so, filed a grievance report for unsafe
> > > > working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a
six-month sick leave.
Your Problem...My Situation

When you get angry it's because you're ill-tempered...
It just happens that my nerves are bothering me.
When you don't like someone it's because you're prejudiced...
I just happen to be a good judge of human nature.
When you compliment people it's because you use flattery to get your way...
I only encourage people.
When you take a long time to do a job it's because you're unbearable slow and po
key...
I take a long time because I believe in quality workmanship.
When you spend your paycheck in 24 hours, it's because you're a spendthrift...
When I do, it's because I'm generous.
When you stay in bed until 11 A.M., it's because you're a lazy good-for-nothing.
..
When I stay in bed a little longer, it's because I'm totally exhausted.
Quick Wit:
I don't understand people who go to amusement parks. I spend most of my time tr
ying NOT to be nauseous and dizzy.
"Excuse me, could you strap me in upside down? I'd like to be as sick as humanly
possible. I feel great today,
I think I'll go down to Funland and snap my neck on the back of a ride. Honey, l
et's bring the kids,
I want to give them a spinal cord injury for Christmas."
-- Dom Irrera

A businessman boarded a plane to find,
sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond
ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said.
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
"Mr. Klopman."
Quick Wit:
I have friends who are very New Agey.
Always clutching their crystals: "My crystal help me, and protect me, and guide
me...
" Look, you live in your van. I don't think it's working for you. Maybe a shower
would help,
followed by work of some sort.
-- Matt Weinhold
This is quite funny!

Superman was flying around thinking, "I need a shag". The Man of Steel
was passing over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice
.
"Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe,
everyone knows that Wonder Woman is the best sex in comic-land,
why don't you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonder Woman and I are friends,
so I don't really want to take advantage of her"
"Damn shame," said Batman, and waved goodbye to Superman as he flew off.
Ten minutes later he was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging
from rooftop to rooftop.
He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a bonk, who's the best shag in comic
-land?"
"Hey, Big S, everyone knows that Wonder Woman is far and away the best
shag in comic-land, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he sa
id,
"but I didn't realise she had gotten around so much" and he flew off in frustra
tion.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonder Woman lying
naked,
in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was
tempted.
"Goddamn it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than speeding bullet,
I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here."
So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone.
Wonder Woman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression.
"What the fuck was that?" she exclaimed.
"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "But my arse is
killing me."
<<
Read it ALL!!!!!!! AND I MEAN ALL!!!!!!
>
>
> ORAL SEX-AN ODE TO LOVE
>
> Penis breath, a lover's dread
> Is what you get when you give head
> Unpleasant as it tends to be
> Be grateful that he doesn't pee
> It's times like this, you wonder why
> you bothered reaching for his fly
> But it's too late, can't be a tease
> Accept the facts, get on your knees
> You know you've got a job to do
> So open wide and shove it through
> Lick the tip then take it all
> Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
> Slide up and down, use your tongue
> And feel the Procomm start to run
> So when the fuck's he gonna cum
> Just, when you can't take anymore
> You hear your lover's mighty roar
> And when he hits that real high note
> You feel it oozing down your throat
> Salty, fishy, sticky, yucks stuff
> Okay, already that's enough
> Let's switch you say, before you gag
> And whets your revenge, your on the rag.
>
> *******The Top Ten Men!!********
>
> 1. The Doctor because he says,"Take off your
> clothes"
> 2. The Dentist because he says,"Open Wide"
> 3. The hairdresser because he says,"Do you
> want it teased or blown"
> 4. The Milkman because he says,"Do you want
> it in front or in back?"
> 5. The Interior Decorator because he says,"Once
> you have it
> all in, you'll love it."
> 6. The Banker because he says,"If you take it
> out to soon, you'll lose interest"
> 7. The Police Officer because he
> says,"Spread 'em"
> 8. The Mailman because he always delivers
> his package.
> 9. The Pilot because he takes off fast and
> then slows down.
> 10. The Hunter because he always goes deep in
> the bush, shoots twice
>
> THE CREATION OF A PUSSY
>
> Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
> created a pussy to their design.
> First was a butcher,
> with smart wit,
> using a knife,
> he gave it a slit,
> Second was a carpenter,
> strong and bold,
> with a hammer and chisel,
> he gave it a hole,
> Third was a tailor,
> tall and thin,
> by using red velvet,
> the lined it within,
> Fourth was a hunter,
> short and stout,
> with a piece of fox fur,
> he lined it without,
> Fifth was a fisherman,
> nasty as hell,
> threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
> Sixth was a preacher,
> whose name was McGee,
> he touched it and blessed it,
> and said it could pee,
> Last was a sailor,
> dirty little runt,
> he sucked it and fucked it,
> and called it a cunt.
>
> The origination of this letter is unknown, but
> it brings good luck to
> everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the
> chain will have bad luck.
> Do not keep this letter. Do not send money.
>
> Just forward it to five of your friends to whom
> you wish good luck. You
> will see that something good happens to you four
> days from now if the chain
> is not broken.
>
> You will receive good luck in four days.
>
> Support Condom Week- READ it!
>
> LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM
> WEEK
>
> 1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
> 2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YR WHACKER
> 3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YR WILLY
> 4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YR SPOUT
> 5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YR BONER
> 6. YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YR DONG
> 7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK
> IT.
> 8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YR MONKEY
> 9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO
> CONDOMIZE
> 10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YR PETER
> 11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YR DICK
> 12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YR MEAT
> 13. WHILE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YR PENIS
> 14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YR
> TROUSER MOUSE
> 15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAPYR MEMBER
> 16. NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
> 17. DONT BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YR TOOL
> 18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YR ERECTION
> 19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
> 20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
> 21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX WITHIN FOUR DAYS OF
> RECEIVING THIS LETTER,
> PROVIDED U SEND IT ON.
>
> IF YOU SEND THIS TO
> 0 people, your life will be a living hell
> 1-3 people, your next relationship will be fun
> but won't last long
> 4-6 people, someone will get a crush on you
> 7-10 people, you will get a date for Friday night
> 11-14 people, you will get a date for the next
> school dance
> 15-18 people, your crush will ask for your number
> 19-24 people, you will meet the person of your
> dreams
> 25-29 people, your crush will ask you out
> 30-34 people, your next relationship will last long
> and be good
> 35-37 people, you will live long enough and have a
> good life and get lots
> of sex.
>
> You must send this in 1 day after reading it. If
> you do not send this to
> anyone your life will be a living hell. The more
> people you send this letter
> to the more luck you will have. >>

>
>
>
>
> *******The Top Ten Men!!********
>
> clothes"
> you have it
> says,"Spread 'em"
> his package.
> then slows down.
>
>
> with smart wit,
> using a knife,
> strong and bold,
> tall and thin,
> short and stout,
> nasty as hell,
>
>
> is not broken.
>
>
>
> WEEK
>
> IT.
> CONDOMIZE
> TROUSER MOUSE
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> YOU WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SEX WITHIN FOUR DAYS OF
> RECEIVING THIS LETTER,
> PROVIDED U SEND IT ON.
>
> IF YOU SEND THIS TO
> 0 people, your life will be a living hell
> 1-3 people, your next relationship will be fun
> but won't last long
> 4-6 people, someone will get a crush on you
> 7-10 people, you will get a date for Friday night
> 11-14 people, you will get a date for the next
> school dance
> 15-18 people, your crush will ask for your number
> 19-24 people, you will meet the person of your
> dreams
> 25-29 people, your crush will ask you out
> 30-34 people, your next relationship will last long
> and be good
> 35-37 people, you will live long enough and have a
> good life and get lots
> of sex.
>
> You must send this in 1 day after reading it. If
> you do not send this to
> anyone your life will be a living hell. The more
> people you send this letter
> to the more luck you will have.

>
>
>
>
> *******The Top Ten Men!!********
>
> clothes"
> you have it
> says,"Spread 'em"
> his package.
> then slows down.
>
>
> with smart wit,
> using a knife,
> strong and bold,
> tall and thin,
> short and stout,
> nasty as hell,
>
>
> is not broken.
>
>
>
> WEEK
>
> IT.
> CONDOMIZE
> TROUSER MOUSE
>
Content-Length: 5712
Jess: I thought you would appreciate this a lot more than me :) Love,
Jennifer

>
>
>
>
> *******The Top Ten Men!!********
>
> clothes"
> you have it
> says,"Spread 'em"
> his package.
> then slows down.
>
>
> with smart wit,
> using a knife,
> strong and bold,
> tall and thin,
> short and stout,
> nasty as hell,
>
>
> IT.
> CONDOMIZE
> TROUSER MOUSE
>
> _______________________________________________
makeing love to girlfriend
The Italian says, "When I've a finsheda makina da love with my
girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she
floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy".
The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'ave finished making
ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah
lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches
above ze bed in pure ecstasy".
The Aussie says, "Mate, that's nothing. When I've finished shaggin my
girl, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me dick on
the curtains. She hits the fucking roof !!!"
Just a thought for all the women out there(and

also Johnny since he is a girl...lol).
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with
men? Send this to all
of
the women you know and brighten their day!!! ...
And when we have real
trouble, it's HISterectomy!
LOGIC TO PONDER
If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
How did a fool and his money GET together?
If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon on the pan?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
"If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet"
When a person finds no peace within,it is useless to seek it elsewhere ?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and driv
e?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the do
ors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height,
what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on
the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the packag
e says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down t
he volume on the radio?
>>>>> TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND,

>>>>> During the past year I have tried to make love to you
>>>>> 365 times.
>>>>>> I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of
>>>>> once every ten days.
>>>>> The following is a list of why I did not succeed
>>>>>more often:
>>>>>> 54 times the sheets were clean
>>>>>> 17 times it was too late
>>>>>> 49 times you were too tired
>>>>>> 20 times it was too hot
>>>>>> 15 times you pretended to be asleep
>>>>>> 22 times you had a headache.
>>>>> 17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
>>>>>> 16 times you said you were too sore
>>>>>> 12 times it was the wrong time of the month
>>>>>> 19 times you had to get up early
>>>>>> 9 times you said weren't in the mood
>>>>> 7 times you were sunburned
>>>>> 6 times you were watching the late show
>>>>>> 5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
>>>>> 3 times you said the neighbors would hear us,
>>>>> 9 times you said your mother would hear us.
>>>>> Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not
>>>>> satisfactory because:
>>>>> 6 times you just laid there
>>>>> 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the
>>>>> ceiling
>>>>> 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
>>>>> 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
>>>>> 1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt
>>>>>you move
>>>>>
>>>>> TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND,
>>>>>
>>>>> I think you have things a little confused. Here are
>>>>> the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
>>>>> 5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the
>>>>>cat
>>>>> 36 times you did not come home at all
>>>>> 21 times you didn't cum
>>>>> 33 times you came too soon
>>>>> 19 times you went soft before you got in
>>>>> 38 times you worked too late
>>>>> 10 times you got cramps in your toes
>>>>> 29 times you had to get up early to play golf
>>>>> 2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you
>>>>>in the balls
>>>>> 4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
>>>>> 3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
>>>>> 2 times you had a splinter in your finger
>>>>> 20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it
>>>>>all day
>>>>> 6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a
>>>>>dirty book
>>>>> 98 times you were too busy watching football,
>>>>> baseball, etc. on TV
>>>>>
>>>>> Of the times we did get together:
>>>>>
>>>>> The reason I laid still was because you missed
>>>>> and were screwing the sheets.
>>>>> I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling,
>>>>> what I said was, Would you prefer me on my back or
>>>>>kneeling?
>>>>> The time you felt me move was because you farted
>>>>> and I was trying to breathe.
BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES......
CLINTON VIRUS.....Gives you a 7" hard drive with NO memory
VIAGRA VIRUS......Makes a new Hard Drive out of an old Floppy
LEWINSKY VIRUS.....Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then
emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS......Saves your data ,but forgets where it is
stored
MIKE TYSON VIRUS......Quits after 2 Bytes
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS....Your 300MB Hard Drive suddenly shrinks to 100MB
and then slowly expands to 200MB
DR JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS......Deletes all old files
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS......Disks can no longer be inserted
TITANIC VIRUS ( a strain of the Lewinsky Virus)Your whole computer goes
down
DISNEY VIRUS.......Everything in your computer goes Goofy
PROZAC VIRUS......Screws up ypur RAM, but your Proccessor doesnt care
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS.....Only attacks minors
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS.....Terminates some files, leaves but it
will " BE BAACK"
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS......Reformats your Hard Drive into a 3.5 inch
floppy,then discards it thru windows.....
God on Oral Sex

>
>After having been commissioned by God to take a
>survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now
>stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
>
>"Tell me, St. Peter, what have you found out?"
>Godasked.
>
>"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the
>people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's
>drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it -- another
>Sodomand Gomorrah.
>
>But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex.
>According to my survey, 88% of the population is
>doing it. Even four out of five dentists recommend
>it. I'm afraid the oral sex thing has reachedepidemic
>proportions on Earth.
>
>"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "Do you have any
>recommendations as to what should be done to put an
>end to this sexual perversion?"
>
>"I think we should send a message to everyone on
>Earth who engages in oral sex. The contents of that
>message should tell them exactly what will happen to
>them on Judgment Day if they do not stop this type of
>activity." replied St. Peter."That is an effective
>solution," God stated,
>"but I think that instead of punishing those 88% who
>practice oral sex, we should reward those 12% who
>refrain from it. Let's send a letter that's personally
>signed by me to each one of those good people."
>And so they did.
>Do you know what the letter said?
> »
> »
> »
> (scroll down)
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
>
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
>»
>No?(scroll down a little more)
> »
> »
> »
>
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
> »
>
> Hmmm...You didn't get the letter either, huh??
>
>=====
>As always,
>Cyco
before prison
> >Two young guys were picked up by the cops for
> >smoking' dope and appeared in court on Friday before the
> >Judge. The Judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and
> >I'd like to give you a second chance rather than jail time.
> >I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others
> >the
> >evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever.
> >I'll see you back in court on Monday."
> >
> >Monday, the two guys were in court, and the judge said to
> >the first one, "How did you do over the weekend?"
> >"Well, You Honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs
> > >> > > forever".
> >"17 people? That's wonderful! What did you tell them?"
> >"I
> >used a diagram, Your Honor. I drew two circles like
> >this:
> >
> > O o
> >
> >"...and told them this (the big circle) is your brain
> >before
> >drugs and this (small circle) is your brain after drugs."
> >
> >"That's admirable!" said the Judge.
> >
> >To the second boy the judge said, "And you, how did you
> >do?"
> >"Well, Your Honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs
> >forever."
> >
> >"156 people! That's amazing!! How did you manage to do
> >that?!?!"
> > "Well, I used a similar approach. I drew
> >two circles ...
> >
> > o O
> >
> >" ..... and said (pointin' to the small circle) "this is
>your asshole before prison......."
Camping Tips
When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table
will keep the campsites on either side vacant.
Lint from your navel makes a handy fire starter. Warning: Remove lint
from navel before applying the match.
Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a
flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, it is
OK to go into the woods alone.
You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then
breathing on a pile of dry sticks.
In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to
strangle a snoring tent mate.
Headstones
In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.
Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.
Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
- Jonathan Fiddle -
Went out of tune.
In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.
Some Quotes from the Famous

"There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
(William Shakespeare - Hamlet)
"If ignorance of nature gave birth to the Gods, knowledge of nature
is destined to destroy them."
(Paul Henri - Systeme de la Nature)
"She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast
stroke of a channel swimmer made her confident way towards the white
cliffs of the obvious."
(W. Somerset Maugham)
"Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with
its grandfathers."
(Lewis Mumford - The Brown Decades)
"In sentencing a man for one crime, we may well be putting him beyond
the reach of the law in respect of those crimes which he has not yet
had an opportunity to commit. The law, however, is not to be cheated
in this way. I shall therefore discharge you."
(N. F. Simpson)
"We didn't underestimate them. They were a lot better than we
thought."
(Bobby Robson - on Cameroon's football team)
"I am the very master of the multipurpose metaphor,
I put them into speeches which I always feel the better for.
The speed of my delivery is totally vehicular,
I'm burning with a passion about nothing in particular.
I'm well acquainted too with matters technological,
I'm able to explain myself in phrases tautological.
My language is poetical and full of hidden promises...
It's like the raging torrent of a thousand Dylan Thomases."
(Alistair Beaton)
"The first law of journalism - to confirm existing prejudice rather
than contradict it."
(Alexander Cockburn)
"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
(Mark Twain)
Some of the things a husband wishes his wife would say.

1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5. That was a great fart! Do another one!
6. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12. I'll be out painting the house.
13. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play
on Saturday too.
14. Honey..our new neighbour's daughter is nude sunbathing again, come
see!
15. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
16. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
17. Your mother is way better than mine.
18. Do me a favour, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself
new clubs.
19. I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for Christ's sake
you go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a pack of beer, a
few joints, and have my friend Heather over for a threesome!
21. Christ, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip
joint!
22. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us,why don't you retire
and
get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
23. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night
feedings.
24. God..if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
25. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head for ya...
Gross Facts
MOST SEMEN SWALLOWED
Michelle Monahan had 1.7 pints of semen pumped out of her
stomach in Los Angeles in July 1991.
LONGEST PUBES
Maoni Vi of Cape Town has hair measuring 32 inches from the
armpits and 28 inches from her vagina.
MOST CAVERNOUS CROTCH
Linda Manning of Los Angeles could, without preparation,
completely insert a lubricated American football into her vagina.
ZIT POPPING
In July 1987, Carl Chadwick of Rugby, England, squeezed a zit
and projected a detectable amount of yellow pus a distance of
7 ft 1 inch.
WORST DRINK
The most horrible drink to be considered a beverage and safely
drunk is Khoona. It is drunk by Afghani tribesmen on their
wedding night and consists of a small amount of still-warm very
recently attained bull semen. It is believed to be a potent
aphrodisiac.
MOST OFFENSIVE COCKTAIL
This is available from a few select bars in New York. It contains
tomato juice, a double shot of vodka, a spoonful of French
mustard and a dash of lime. It is not mixed, but served with a
tampon (unused) instead of a cocktail umbrella and is known as
a 'Cunt Pump'.
GREATEST DISTANCE ATTAINED FOR A JET OF SEMEN
Horst Schultz achieved 18 ft 9 in with a 'substantial' amount of
seminal fluid. He also hold the records for the greatest height
(12ft 4in) and the greatest speed of ejaculation, or muzzle
velocity, with 42.7mph.
LONGEST TURD
The longest dump ever verified was produced by an American, who
produced a 'staggering turd' over a period of 2 hr 12 mins which
was officially measured at 12 ft 2in. The offender is banned
from 134 washrooms in his state.
MOST PROLONGED FART
Bernard Clemmens of London managed to sustain a fart for an
officially recorded time of 2 mins 42 seconds.
blond jokes
Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 15:10:10 GMT
blond jokes
>
>
> > A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
> > freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the
> > blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was
> > oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked
> > down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
> > "NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
> >
> > The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in
> > his company. He wanted to find out something about her
> > personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with
> > someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
> > The blonde quickly responded, "The living one
> >
> > A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
> > The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
> > said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what,
> > we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
> > the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
> > "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said
> > the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid,
> > you know. we're going at night!"
> >
> > Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.
> > Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down
> > to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said,
> > "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!"
> > So Carol handed her the Compact. Patty looked in the mirror
> > and said, "You dummy, it's me!
> >
> > A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks
> > her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied
> > in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
> > Just yesterday you take away my license and then today
> > you expect me to show it to you!"
> >
> > A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was
> > her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science
> > & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum
> >
> > and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She
> > thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> >
> > The blonde reported for her university final examination
> > which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her
> > seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper
> > for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her
> > purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and
> > marking the answer sheet -- Yes for Heads and No for
> > Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the
> > rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
> > minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin,
> > muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed,
> > approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the
> > exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers.
> >
> > An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
> > stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
> > another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the
> > stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop
> > and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was
> > preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new
> > stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at
> > the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her.
> > She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get
> > out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain
> > asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three
> > doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the
> > closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb'!"
> >
> > Q.There are three girls, all in grade 3: one a brunette, one a
> > redhead, and one a blonde. Which one of them has the best body?
> > A. The blonde, because she's 19 years old.
> >
> > Q. How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?
> > A. With a tire gauge
Subject: Two Cajuns

Date: Fri, 14 Jan 2000 04:11:58 GMT
> A rather prim and proper woman is riding the
> Greyhound bus from Shreveport
> to New Orleans. It's been a long day and she's
> bored. She knows it's not
> right but she decides to listen to the two Cajun men
> sitting behind her.
>
> BORDEAUX say, "Naw, Naw, Naw! How many time I gotta
> tell ya! First,
> Emmacums...din I cums...din da 2 asses, dey
> cums...din I cums agin..."
>
> FRANCOIS say, "That's ain't how I learnt it!"
>
> Well, Miss Prim & Proper is thinking, "Oh, my
> Lord!". She tries to tune them
> out, but is unsuccessful.
>
> BOUDREAUX say, "Idgit, shad-up and lemme splain!
> First, Emma cums...din I
> cums...din da 2 asses, dey cums...din I cums
> agin...din da 2 asses, dey cums
> agin..."
>
> FRANCOIS say, "And din what?"
>
> BOUDREAUX say, "Din I cums agin..."
>
> Well, Miss Prim & Proper just can't take it anymore.
> She turns around in her
> seat to set the Cajuns straight.
> Lady: "Sirs, obviously your parents failed to teach
> you that it is highly
> improper to discuss such matters in public! I must
> insist that you cease
> this foul discussion immediately!"
>
> FRANCOIS say, "Lady, we ain't tawkin 'bout no
> birds."
>
> BOUDREAUX say, "I reckon yer Paw never tawt ya to
> mind yer own
> bidness, Lady."
>
> Then he turns to Cajun #2 and says, "Ferget her,
> Tee, and lissen.
> I got dis rite. I know I do: Emma cums first...din I
> cums...din da 2 asses,
> dey cums...din I cums agin...din da 2 asses, dey
> cums agin ...
> din here I cums agin...din da peepee cums...din I
> cums one mo time!"
>
> Lady: "That is disgusting and most inappropriate!!!"
>
> FRANCOIS say,
>
> "All right, Lady, how do YOU spell
>
> Mississippi?"
"Women's English"
Yes = No.
No = Yes.
Maybe = No.
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...
We need = I want.
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk = I need to complain.
Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]
And to be fair......
"Men's English"
I'm hungry = I'm hungry.
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.
I'm tired = I'm tired.
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress! = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.
What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now!
I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.
Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with
others.
I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.
> Subject: FW: Happy daughters

A mother had three daughters, and on their wedding day,
she would ask each of them to write home and tell her about their sex lives.
The first wrote back on the second day after she got married.
The letter arrived with only a single message,
"Nescafe."
The Mother was confused at first, but finally noticed a Nescafe coffee ad on a
newspaper,
and it said: "Satisfaction, to the last drop..." So, the Mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home a letter.
There was only one message, it read;
"Benson & Hedges." So the Mother looked for a Benson & Hedges' ad, and it says:
"EXTRA LONG,
KING SIZE."
The Mother was happy.
After the third daughter got married, the Mother was anxious to receive a messa
ge from her baby.
It took 4 weeks for a message to arrive.
When it did the message simply said "BRITISH AIRWAYS."
The Mother was concerned. She frantically looked through all the newspapers at
home for a
British Airways ad.
She finally found one and fainted. The ad read: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS
A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately,
he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful perso
n.
In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work,
his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and
haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in- law would blurt out wh
ile hiding behind a drape,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and
haunt you. Alas,
in the evening while having a well-deserved cocktail, my friend's mother-in-law
would pop up from behind the bar and say,
"If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and
haunt you.
" Well, I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago and while having a beer I a
sked him how his mother-in-law was feeling.
He said, she isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!"
I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat? He said, "Hell,
no! I buried her face down; let her dig;
I don't care!"
Quick Wit:
Actress Jane Wyman tells of her most embarrassing moment,
which happened when she was entertaining some very special guests.
After making sure the entire house was in order, she put a note on the guest tow
els which read,
"If you use these, I will murder you." It was intended for her husband. In the h
aste of her preparations,
she forgot to remove the note. When the guests had departed,
she found the towels--and the note--exactly as she had left them."
Quick Wit:
One time I tried getting a job at a submarine sandwich shop.
Only they wanted me to take a lie detector test just in order to apply for the j
ob.
What the hell did they think I am going to lie about in a sub shop?
Did they fear someone would ask for roast beef and I'd say no?
"How much is the tuna?" "Thousands."
-- Paula Poundstone
A cheerful truck driver pulled up at a roadside cafe in the middle of the night
for a dinner stop.
Halfway through his meal, three wild-looking motorcyclists roared up--bearded, l
eather-jacketed,
filthy. For no reason at all, the selected the truck driver as a target. One pou
red pepper over his head,
another stole his apple pie, the third deliberately tipped his coffee over. The
truck driver never said one word,
just stood up, paid hia check, and left. "That truck driver sure ain't much of
a fighter,"
sneered one of the bikers. The girl behind the counter, peering out into the ni
ght, added,
"He doesn't seem to be much of a truck driver, either. He just ran his truck rig
ht over three motorcycles."
Quick Wit:
I used to have an apartment in L.A. with roommates tha had nose rings,
and I couldn't concentrate on a word they were saying without staring at their
nostrils.
They could've told me the apartment just burned down and I'd say "Uh,
did that hurt going in? Can you pick your nose?"
-- Judy Gold
A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test th
e next day.
As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten birds over each bird and
only the legs showing.
He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible.
The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs
and give the common name,
habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic. The student looked at e
ach set of bird legs.
They all looked the same to him. He began to get upset. He had stayed up all nig
ht studying,
and now he had to identify birds by their legs. The more he thought about it, th
e madder he got. Finally,
he couldn't stand it anymore.
He went to the professor's desk and said
"What a stupid test! How could anyone tell the difference between birds by looki
ng at their legs?"
With that the student threw his test on the professor's desk and walked out the
door. The professor was surprised.
The class was so big that he didn't know every student's name,
so as the student reached the door, the professor called out "One moment, son,
what's your name?" The enraged student pulled up his pant legs and said "You gue
ss buddy! You guess!"
Quick Wit:
Marriage is not a man's idea. A woman must have thought of it.
Years ago some guy said, "Let me get this straight, honey. I can't sleep with an
yone else for the rest of my life,
and if things don't work out, you get to keep half my stuff? What a great idea."
-- Bobby Slayton
CARDS YOU'LL NEVER SEE IN HALLMARK:
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:.
............ What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wif
e."
"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After havi
ng met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in He
ll until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to rui
n it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the nee
d for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was befo
re this!"
"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You
'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."
"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've
broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So
here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call i
t quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out
who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only
one life jacket....
I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday--------- S
o we're having you put to sleep."
Quick Wit:
I don't remember names, I remember faces. You should be introduced by the face.
Whatever it is you remember about that person. "Big Nose, Short Pants, come here
a second.
This is my friend, Hawaiian Shirt, Bad Haircut. Broken Glasses, Food-Stuck-in-Hi
s-Teeth." Whatever you remember."
-- Paul Reiser
One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lor
d Himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I can
make your stay in heaven more comfortable,
please let me know." The cat thinks for a moment and says,
"Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wo
oden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow
appears. A few days later,
six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven.
Again,
the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer, "All our l
ives we have been chased.
We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running
, running; we're tired of running.
Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says,
"Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week
later,
the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord
gently wakes the cat and asks him,
"How are things since you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies,
"It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals
On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Quick Wit:
An old European Monastery is perched high on a 500-foot cliff.
Visitors ride up in a big basket, pulled to the top with a ragged old rope.
Halfway up, a passenger nervously asked: "How often do you change the rope?"
The monk in charge replied: "Whenever the old one breaks."
A minister would up the services one morning by saying,
"next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connectio
n,
as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth
chapter of Mark.
" On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin, and said,
"Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth cha
pter of Mark,
please raise your hands." Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Then sa
id the preacher,
"You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.
"
Quick Wit:
I got to see Don King up close, and even as a woman I don't know how you get you
r hair to do that all the time.
I guess one day you walk into a barber shop and say, "I want to look as though I
'm falling out of a building."
And then pull a little troll doll out of your pocket, "This is the look I'm shoo
ting for."
-- Kathleen Madigan
All evening long four cardplayers had been pestered by a busybody who commented
on everyone's hand and style of play.
When he went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him. "L
et's make up a game no one ever heard of,"
one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up." The busybody returned.
The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left.
He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opp
osite him.
Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and
kept five himself.
"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar." "I have a snazzle," the next ma
n announced. "I'll raise you a dollar."
The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation,
said,
"I've got a farfle. I'll raise you two dollars." The busybody shook his head veh
emently.
"You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle wit
h a lousy farfle!"
Quick Wit:
They showed an execution at some prison. The executioner said,
"Killing a man in an electric chair is as easy for me as going to the refrigerat
or and getting a beer."
I heard that and thought, "Well, scratch that guy off my A-1 party list. He'd b
e partying at my house and I'd say,
"Hey, did you get my beer?" He'd look at me funny. "Huh? I thought you said kill
your dad."
-- Bobcat Goldthwait
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishman came in.
With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulle
d himself up painfully,
and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said,
"Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey,
too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved
very slowly.
He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti.
He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of th
e bar.
The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and
hollered,
"Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkee
per nodded,
so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave
,
he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you
are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a j
ig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Ita
lian felt his back straighten,
so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked
toward the redneck,
but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disabili
ty!"
Quick Wit:
Fathers are the geniuses of the house because only a person as intelligent as w
e could fake such stupidity.
Think about your father: He doesn't know where anything is. You ask him to do so
mething,
he messes it up and you mother send you: "Go down and see what your father's doi
ng before he blows up the house."
He's a genius at work because he doesn't want to do it, and he knows someone wi
ll be coming soon to stop him.
-- Bill Cosby

A devoted wife had spent her lifetime taking care of her husband.
Now he had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to senses,
he motioned for her to come near him. As she sat by him, he said,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you we
re there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me suppo
rt.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asks gently. "I think you bring me bad luck."
Quick Wit:
I filled out a rental application that asked, "Do you own any liquid filled furn
iture?"
Couldn't they just have said "waterbed"? How many other forms of liquid filled
furniture are there?
"Yeah, I have a beer couch, will that be a problem?"
-- Lisa Goich
The applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the applic
ation.
The salesman asked what the trouble was,
and the man said that he couldn't answer the question about the cause of death
of his father.
The salesman wanted to know why. After some embarrassment the client explained
that his father had been hanged.
The salesman pondered for a moment.
"Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gav
e way.'"
Quick Wit:
If you're less than ten years old you're so excited about aging you think in fr
actions.
"How old are you?" "Six and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. Then a
strange thing happens.
If you make it over 100 you become a kid again: "104. And a half!"
-- Larry Miller
It's wise to remember how easily this wonderful technology of e-mail can be misu
sed,
sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow- filled streets of Chica
go for a vacation in Florida.
His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unfortunat
ely,
when typing her address, he missed one letter,
and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband ha
d passed away only the day before.
When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let
out a piercing scream
and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the
room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow
.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.
Quick Wit:
If my parents lived with me now, I'd get even. I'd make them sleep in separate b
edrooms.
My mother would say, "What? Are you crazy? I've been sleeping with this man for
years.
" I'd say, "Look, I don't care what you do on the outside. But when you're in my
house..."
-- Elayne Boosler
We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons i
n their vest pocket. Naturally,
we were curious. We asked a waiter why. "As a result of an efficiency study by t
he management,
it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon.
Therefore,
all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.
" As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pa
nts. So, we asked about that.
"Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroo
m,
we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim.
Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands." We replied,
"I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself
back in?"
"Well," replied the waiter, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the t
wo spoons!"
Quick Wit:
A young minister, in the first days of his first parish,
was obliged to call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died.
Standing before the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this
must be a very hard blow,
Mrs. Kinkaid. But we must remember that what we see here is the husk only, the
shell--the nut has gone to heaven."
A man pleaded with the psychiatrist, "You've got to help me. It's my son." "What
's the matter?"
"He's always eating mud pies. I get up in the morning and there he is in the bac
kyard eating mud pies.
I come hoes at lunch and he's eating mud pies. I come home at dinner and there h
e is in the backyard eating mud pies.
" The psychiatrist reassured him, "Give the kid a chance. It's all part of growi
ng up. It'll pass."
"Well, I don't like it, and neither does his wife."
Quick Wit:
I can't stand makeup commercials. "Do you need a lipstick that keeps your lips k
issable?" No,
I need a lipstick that gets me equal pay for equal work.
How about an eye shadow that makes me stop thinking I'm too fat?"
-- Heidi Joyce
If computer error messages were haikus:
First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.
Three things are certain:
death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
A file that big?
It might be very useful,
but now it is gone.
Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.
Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.
The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.
Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?
This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where,
but then we'd have to delete you.
ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask way too much.
The Web site you seek
cannot be located but
endless others exist.
A crash reduces
your expensive computer
to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.
Having been erased,
the document you're seeking
must now be retyped.
Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
Quick Wit
I have six locks on my door, all in a row, and when I go out I only lock every o
ther
lock.
'Cause I figure no matter how long somebody stands there, picks the locks,
they're always locking three.
-- Elayne Boosler
Two men were riding a motorcycle on a windy winter day.
When it became too breezy for one man,
he put his jacket on backwards to keep the wind from blowing it open.
A few miles down the road, the motorcycle hit a tree,
killing the driver and stunning the man with the backwards coat.
Later, when the coroner visited the scene, he asked a rookie policeman standing
nearby:
"What happened?" "Well, the officer replied, "one of them was dead when I got he
re,
and by the time I got the head of the other one straightened around, he was dead
, too."
Quick Wit:
No matter how much time you save,
at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up.
You'll be going, "What do you mean there's no time? I had a microwave oven,
Velcro sneakers, and a clip-on tie." Because when you waste time in life,
they subtract it. Like if you saw all the "Rocky" movies, they deduct that.
-- Jerry Seinfeld
One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant,
she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused,
with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she said. "It's amazing!" he replied.
"I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Quick Wit:
My mom is real sweet. When I was a little kid she wanted to throw a surprise par
ty for me,
but she couldn't get any of my friends to come to it.
I walked into the house alone and there was my mom with a candle inside a Twinki
e.
And she said, "Surprise Bob, and I don't want to bum you out, but I can't stay."
-- Bob Saget

A survey of personnel executives at 200 of the Fortune 1,000 companies provided
the following unbelievable
but true examples of job applicant behavior
. "The reason the candidate was taking so long to respond to a question became a
pparent
when he began to snore.
" "When I asked the candidate to give a good example of the organizational skill
s she was boasting about,
she said she was proud of her ability to pack her suitcase 'real neat' for her
vacations.
" "Why did (the applicant) go to college?" His reply: "To party and socialize."
"When I gave him my business card at the beginning of the interview,
he immediately crumpled it and tossed it in the wastebasket."
"I received a resume and letter that said that the recent high-school graduate
wanted to earn $25 an hour-'and not a nickel less.'"
"(The applicant) had arranged for a pizza to be delivered to my office during a
lunch-hour interview.
I asked him not to eat it until later." "(The applicant) said she had just grad
uated cum laude,
but she had no idea what cum laude meant. However, she was proud of her grade p
oint average.
It was 2.1." "(The applicant) insisted on telling me that he wasn't afraid of ha
rd work.
But insisted on adding he was afraid of horses and didn't like jazz, modern art
, or seafood."
"She actually showed up for an interview during the summer wearing a bathing su
it.
She said she didn't think I'd mind." "He sat down opposite me, made himself com
fortable,
and proceeded to put his foot up on my desk."
"The interview had gone well, until he told me that he and his friends wore my c
ompany's clothing
whenever they could. I had to tell him that we manufactured office products, no
t sportswear."
"(The applicant) applied for a customer service position, although, as he confi
ded, he really wasn't
a people person." "Without asking if I minded,
he casually lit a cigar and then tossed the match onto my carpet-and couldn't un
derstand why I was upset."
"On the phone, I had asked the candidate to bring his resume and a couple of re
ferences.
He arrived with the resume-and two people.
Quick Wit:
An exhausted hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp. "Am I glad to see you
," he said,
"I've been lost for three days." "Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunt
er replied.
"I've been lost for three weeks."

The Saintly Sinner

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