INTRODUCTORY SESSION

healthy ME healthy WE

CASE STUDY: Pastor Kent and Delighted Heart Church

Congratulations! You have just been elected to the board at Delighted Heart Church. Read the story and then discuss with your table some of the ways Delighted Heart should handle the next three months of Pastor Kents leave of absence and beyond.

the body of Jesus from the inside out

Whether its a thriving church like Delighted Heart with a mysterious malaise, or the declining church around the corner going through a raucous split, churches, pastors, denominational personnel and lay leaders usually use some combination of spiritual and strategic approaches to address issues, deal with conflict, and move forward. Many of these approaches are effective and helpful. There is another approach, and it starts with what the Bible has to say about organs and organisms as complex, changing and interconnected systems. A good example of these are the familiar images of the church as the Family of God and the Body of Christ.

SCRIPTURE STUDY: The Family of God and the Body of Christ

As a group, choose one of these principles, read and discuss the passages listed, and then talk about where you see this happening or not happening in the church you grew up in (or first attended), or in the church you are currently a part of. 1. We are connected to each other. 1 Corinthians 12:12-27 Members of one body: Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep. Romans 12:4-8, 15 . We have become a new creation in Christ. We have the same Holy Spirit. We are connected in ways that are visible and invisible. 2. We are to grow up into Christ. 1 Corinthians 13:11 Put away childish things Ephesians 4:13-15 We must no longer be like children....but grow up into Christ. 3. We are to acknowledge Christ as head. Ephesians 4:15-16 With Christ as the source, we are knit together to grow in love Colossians 1:18, 2:10 He is the head of the body and first place in everything.

JESUS AND YEASTY SYSTEMS

Of course, much of Jesus teaching also involved organs and organisms, otherwise known as systems. Jesus taught that the Kingdom of God was like a little yeast that gets mixed into a large amount of flour until it works all through the dough. (Matthew 13:33) In Matthew 6:22 he says The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. Along with the Body of Christ and the Family of God, these images share the idea of unity and connectedness as well as optimism that health and growth can happen as just one component, one part, one person moves in that direction. For nearly a century, the systems approach has been influencing nearly every field and discipline. When scientists and scholars discuss the world in terms of ecosystems, family systems and organizational systems, its really nothing new.the ancient Hebrews, among other cultures, saw interdependency long ago. Today the systems approach has replaced causal or linear thinking as the primary means for explaining how things work, including families and individuals. In the field of family therapy, it is known as Bowen Family Systems Theory, and for our purposes here, family systems thinking. In the last twenty five years, it has been studied and applied to congregations. (see resource sampler on page 4) This approach seeks to understand how healthy individuals a Healthy Me, formed and empowered by living in Christ, can be present in a system where boundaries are murky, immunity is low and fear is high in such a way that the whole organism grows into the Healthy We it was created to become. Don Holmertz|Healthy Me/Healthy We Introductory Session| 4/27/12 p. 1

THE NEED AND THE POTENTIAL

Both strategic and spiritual approaches can be informed and enhanced by the insights of family systems theory. The family systems approach can bring together what is being discovered in spiritual direction and disciplines, pastoral health and renewal, church growth and revitalization, and leadership training. For example, simply thinking of a church as an emotional field, not unlike a magnetic field, can help a leader see how seemingly random events of attraction and resistance fit together.

DIMENSIONS TO WATCH FOR IN ALL SYSTEMS:

1. Together and Separate a. These two forces affect everyone and everything. We want to be close to others, to belong, to be a part of something, but we also want to be individuals. b. Genesis is the story of God creating and separating: water from land, night from day, humans from other living things. c. Growing up is a story about the need to be together and yet separate. d. The extreme of togetherness is fusion. The extreme of separateness is cutoff. e. Self-Differentiation refers to the ability of a cell, orThere is no magic wand here, but the potential is gan, or person to balance those two forces by defining great for the pastors and leaders of evangelical self and maintaining boundaries while at the same time churches to last longer and function better so that the being connected. Kingdom is advanced, the lost are found, and healthy, f. Christ is often regarded as the greatest example of self missional churches are multiplied. -differentiation. g. Christs apprentices (disciples) find their sense of self in the forgiveness and fullness of Christ. Family systems thinking ISNT ... 2. How much anxiety is there? a. Anxiety is always there, and is not always bad. about diagnosing and fixing other persons or parts b. Acute anxiety is different from chronic anxiety. of the system. c. Change, internal or external, good or bad, always increases anxiety. a set of techniques or methodologies. d. Anxiety is portable from one relationship to another and from one generation to another and from one part a replacement for the Good News and the regenerof the emotional field to another. ated life in Jesus. e. As anxiety increases, the reactive part of the brain takes over. absorbed well through books or lectures alone. f. Anxiety is contagious. g. The opposite of an anxious system or an anxious conFamily systems thinking IS... gregation is a responsible congregation. Its a responsibility that knows and respects boundaries. about strengths and building immunity. h. Christ followers find that the peace of Christ is the best way to manage anxiety, and so are able to be a a different lens through which to watch and a grid non-anxious presence, even in the middle of an anxwith which to think. ious system.

about me. Not a selfish, flesh driven me, but a healthy, grace-driven me who stays connected but not fused, engaged but not anxious, and responds rather than reacts. an incubator for options, especially in times of stress, change, loss and critical moments. filled with surprising connections to common evangelical and pietist understandings of spiritual growth.

THE GOOD NEWS/BAD NEWS ABOUT HOMEOSTASIS

Homeostasis is the term used for the balance that keeps the organ, the cell, the work group functioning. The bad news is that it is also how some families, companies and churches stay stuck. The fictional TV town of Mayberry was a perfectly functional homeostatic system. Homeostatic forces keep a system functioning, but also keep it resistant to change of any kind. Don Holmertz|Healthy Me/Healthy We Introductory Session| 4/27/12 p. 2

EMOTIONAL TRIANGLES: Homeostasis Best Friend

1. No relationship of two things/people/issues can exist for long without some tension, anxiety or problem occurring. 2. The most frequent automatic reaction to anxiety is to triangle in another person, issue, group, behavior, etc. The evidence of an emotional triangle is often seen in overfunctioning or excessive focus on something/one that doesnt appear to be involved. We praise it, idolize it, worry about it, criticize it, blame it, reject it, or try to fix it. 3. Triangles arent necessarily good or bad, but they are at the heart of what keeps a system stuck, prevents people from growing and are usually part of how systems can change and grow. 4. Most systems, churches included, are a maze of triangles. Many of those triangles contain one of two individuals: the pastor (or staff ) or God. 5. Heres another way to light up a triangle: When individuals try to change the relationship of two others (two people, or a person and his or her symptom or belief) they triangle themselves into that relationship (and often stabilize the very situation they are trying to change). (Edwin Friedman, Generation to Generation)

How this (an emotional triangle) works is so familiar that we usually fail to see it. Fran, the leader of a womens ministry, becomes upset with the church pastor, Virginia, for not attending their annual banquet. Instead of going to Virginia and talking about the issue, however, Fran expresses her upset to her friend Wanda, the wife of the congregations worship leader. When Wanda engages Fran sympathetically the triangle is activated, and Virginia finds herself in the uncomfortable outside position. The next time Virginia and Wanda meet in the hallway, Virginia will wonder why Wanda seems so distant. Fran, however, has managed to calm down somewhat. The more intense the issue, the more people there are who will ultimately be engaged in the process. Triangles interlock. Wanda can catch enough of Frans anxiety that she carries it home and spreads it to Mike, the worship leader. At the staff meeting the following week, there could very well be an air of coldness as Mike brings his infection to the group. Triangles are the building blocks of an emotional system. When the atmosphere is relatively calm and stable, the triangles are nearly invisible. But they have not gone away. They are merely waiting for the charge of anxiety to flow through them and light up again. By observing the triangles over time the objective observer can begin to see how the emotional process works in a particular system. Creech, Herrington, & Taylor

The Leaders Journey

Lets come back to the truths we lifted up on the first page about the body of Christ and the family of God and start to use family systems thinking to reflect on these truths. 1. We are connected to each other. Koinonia is great, but if I cant tell where you start and where I leave off, emotionally or functionally, then we are fused.... too close. Togetherness has become globbyness or sloppy agape. I might start taking responsibility for you, your actions, or your emotions. I might also try to impress you, or try to earn approval. This is an example of overfunctioning The tug of separateness, on the other hand, leads us to withdraw, become independent, and underfunction. 2. We are to grow up into Christ (and put away childish things). As Christs grace and peace is at work in us at any age, we grow out of those reactive, automatic processes and find creative, nurturing, courageous, and thoughtful ways to respond...walking in the Spirit. Heres where the self-differentiated Healthy Me takes shape, and has the potential for encouraging similar maturity in others, a Healthy We, though it will involve nerve, pain, and loss. 3. We are to acknowledge Christ as head Christ gives us the reality check. Submitting to Christs reign connects us to our created purpose. Christ gives us the principles of healthy living in the Beatitudes, and gives us a model of self-differentiation in his life and minsitry. Living in Christ is the truly self differentiated life. We find wholeness in Christ and live out his transforming grace through the spiritual disciplines. We are compelled by the love of Christ (2 Cor 5:14) into missional life and community. Don Holmertz|Healthy Me/Healthy We Introductory Session| 4/27/12 p. 3

Health Me/Healthy We: A Process for Pastors and Leaders

Three (or more) sessions (over 3-6 months) to help pastors and leaders try out a new lens through which to see, and a new grid through which to think. Includes Bible studies, case studies, video, discussion, personal reflection and coaching. The big idea of Healthy Me/Healthy We: Focusing on strengths and building immunity (rather than treating symptoms or fixing weaknesses) in myself so the life of Jesus thrives (or becomes embodied or flows) in the Body of Christ and in its structures and mission.

PURSUING HEALTH, GROWING UP IN CHRIST

However you pursue a family systems approach as a church, pastor, or leader, youll find these are the most common dos and donts: Dont - Use the terminology as a diagnostic tool or label on anyone but yourself. - Disconnect emotionally. - Get hooked into issues (content). - Preach it or teach it before living it (often measured in years, not weeks). - Ask Why? all the time. Do - Keep a humble, inquisitive spirit. - Percolate, practice, pray, repeat as necessary. - Ask, How can prayer (and other disciplines) help the peace of Jesus to live in me and so to manage my anxiety better? -Stay in touch with your family of origin....literally and emotionally. - Be an observer: Think systems, watch process. -Ask Who? What? When? and Where? more

Session 1
Biblical examples and more background on emotional fields, anxiety; responsible congregations and anxious congregations, emotional triangles. Concepts to be introduced and unpacked through video and discussion: What anxiety does to the brain, togetherness and separateness, Jesus and self-differentiation.

Homework 1
As a team: Bible study - Anxiety - Prayer and Philippians 4. Optional personal homework: Do personal genogram or beliefs history and discuss with one other person (could be spouse, friend, sibling, parent) looking for times of anxiety; fusion; belief formulation, triangles, cutoff.

Session 2
Differentiation of self, spiritual disciplines and wholeness in Christ as the basis of a non-anxious presence. More on Jesus as the model of self-differentiation. Interact with similar concepts in Willard, Ortberg, Scazzero, Townsend, McKnight or Smalley. Other concepts: overfunctioning and underfunctioning, emotions and emotionality, boundaries, avoiding the tendency to focus on content rather than process, clergy focused vs. mission focused churches.

A SAMPLER OF RESOURCES
Robert Creech, Jim Herrington, Trisha Taylor, The Leaders Journey, Jossey Bass 2003 Edwin H. Friedman, Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue, The Guilford Press, 1985. (and others) Israel Galindo, Perspectives on Congregational Leadership. (and others) http://perspectivesig.blogspot.com/ Roberta M. Gilbert, Extraordinary Leadership: Thinking Systems, Making a Difference, Leading Systems Press, 2006. (and several others) Margaret J. Marcuson, Leaders Who Last, Seabury Books, 2009. Ronald W. Richardson, Becoming a Healthier Pastor, Fortress Press, 1996 (and others) Peter Scazzero, The Emotionally Healthy Church, Zondervan 2003 Peter L. Steinke, How Your Church Family Works, 1993. Congregational Leadership in Anxious Times The Alban Institute, 2006 (and several others) WEB CONTACTS AND RESOURCES Healthy Congregations www.healthycongregations.com Lombard Mennonite Peace Center www.lmpeacecenter.org Clergy Seminars www.clergyseminars.net

Homework 2
As a team: Do church genogram/history and discuss it together (good practice for avoiding triangles, getting hooked into content, mind reading, and poor boundaries.) Bible study/Case study on Moses and Aaron and the quick fix. Optional: My anxiety (fear) triggers and how Being anxious for nothing happens, or doesnt happen for me.

Session 3
Check in on how the conversation about history went. Continue to discuss cells, souls, and boundaries; Looking at behavioral covenants, individual/congregational rules of life through a family systems lens. Leading by connecting without being enmeshed as an alternative to leading by charisma or control. Becoming wise blood to recognize and regulate anxiety as individuals and a team/ church. Taking a stand and speaking the truth in love. Concepts of

challenge, playfulness. Reframing current issues of mission, history, growth or decline, and change.
For more information: dholmertz@gmail.com

Don Holmertz|Healthy Me/Healthy We Introductory Session| 4/27/12 p. 4