Inner Monologue Of A Married Guy

During Sex
This is again, a little something I wrote at my old job, before I was
married. Now that I’m getting married, it depresses the shit out of
me. –Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
Ugh, I’m so tired. I can’t believe that asshole Tim Jenkins passed
off his report to me. It’s his friggin report! I just sent him some
data he needed, and now suddenly – whoa, wife just grabbed my
penis. Was that on purpose or did she just roll over and her hand
bumped into it on accident? Nope, purpose, she grabbed it again.
I guess we’re gonna have sex. Only when she wants too, of
course. I should just say no right now, show her how it feels to
want to have sex and not get to. Yep, I’m not even going to react
to – I have a boner! NICE! Alright, let’s see here, what’s standard
foreplay I have to go through before I can stick it in.

It’s been so long I can hardly remember. Okay, um, kiss her neck,
squeeze her boob. Man, her boob is really flopping over to the
side. When did that happen? It’s like somebody poured some
oatmeal on her chest and it’s starting to run off and – uh oh, boner
going away. Think about that new receptionist at work who’s g-
string always hangs out and the time she bent down to pick up her
day planner in front of me and Tim Jenkins. Fuckin Tim Jenkins
dude, trying to pass off his friggin report to me when all I – shit,
how long has my mouth been on my wife’s tit not moving? Okay,
focus here, focus. Okay, going to the fingers, let’s get this party
started a little quicker. Jesus, when was the last time she shaved?
I think I found Osama Bin Laden. Ha, I gotta tell the guys at work
I thought that.

Hmm, then they’ll know my wife has an unkempt vagina. Maybe

I’ll tell them my friend thought that about his wife. But then I
guess I won’t get credit for – uh oh, losing my boner. New
receptionist’s g-string, new receptionist g-string. Okay, here we
go, putting it in the old vajayjay. Aaaaaand we’re in. Whoops, not
in, not in, wrong area. I don’t know why that’s the wrong area,
why CAN’T we have anal? Every time I bring it up she acts like
it’s an insult. I like steak but I don’t want to eat steak every fuckin
day, right? Alrighty, and we’re in. Let’s roll out of this
missionary and get into some doggystyle. Okay, looks like she’s
not having that. Missionary it is. What was that sound? Is that the
kids? Great, now an image of my six year old son popped into my
head.

I can’t believe how much they wanted me to pay to send his ass to
camp. He’s six, give him a fuckin ball and point him at a wall.
Losing boner, okay, focus, focus, let’s just power through this.
Aaaaaand I came. Okay, sleep time. What does she mean I have
to get out of bed and clean myself off?