The Betari Box

Linking Attitude and Behavior

Also known as Betari's Box, Betaris Box, and the Cycle of Conflict

Natasha's boss mistrusted her. This wasn't because she was incompetent – rather, it
seemed to be a matter of principle for him. He spent most of the day watching people to
make sure they did their work correctly. He watched the clock to ensure that everyone's
lunch hour was exactly one hour long. He even checked their mailboxes to make sure
they weren't receiving personal messages.
Not surprisingly, Natasha and her colleagues resented their boss's mistrust. As a result,
they stopped making decisions for themselves; they just asked him what he wanted when
a decision had to be made, and they stopped taking responsibility for what they were
doing. This reinforced the boss's belief that they weren't capable of working under their
own initiative.
Have you ever seen a cyclical pattern of behavior like this in your workplace? It's
common in organizations, and it's illustrated in a simple model called the Betari Box.
In this article, we'll show you what the Betari Box is, and you'll learn how to use it to
improve the mood of your workplace.

The Betari Box

The Betari Box, seen in Figure1, is a model that helps us understand the impact that our
own attitudes and behaviors have on the attitudes and behaviors of the people around us.

Our attitude plays a large role in the behavior we exhibit. When we're feeling motivated
and positive, we smile, we compliment our team, and we empower those around us.
When we're feeling negative, the reverse is often true – we can be impatient, we get angry
at our people, and we might even yell or argue.
These behaviors often affect the people around us. They then turn those negative
behaviors back on us, and the conflict gets worse.
Although the idea of the Betari Box is quite simple, understanding it can help people
learn to recognize when they're stuck in a negative cycle.
Note:
It's not clear who originated the Betari box, or where the name comes
from.

Examples of the Betari Box

Using the Betari Box is all about recognizing negative cycles, and making a change
within yourself to break out of them. The following examples show what can happen
when you are – or are not – willing to make this change.

• Example 1: Imagine that your drive to work is very stressful. The longer you sit
in traffic, the more frustrated you become – and by the time you get to the office,
you're in a negative mood.

Your attitude causes you to use inappropriate negative behaviors. Your temper is
short, so you yell at your assistant and then shout at a colleague when you
discover a mistake in the report she just gave you.

Your negative behavior, in turn, affects your assistant and colleague. They are
upset by your attitude and behavior, and they then repeat them in other negative
ways. Your assistant is sulky and unhelpful for the next few hours, and your
colleague is sarcastic and resentful towards you as well. No real communication
takes place.

• Example 2: Imagine that it's just after lunch. You've had your negative drive into
work, and you've already yelled at your assistant and your colleague.

As you sit at your desk angry, you realize that this all started with something
incredibly silly: your drive into work. After thinking about this, you decide to exit
the cycle. You begin by offering your assistant a genuine apology, which he
accepts with a smile. You also apologize to your colleague, and you offer to work
with her on the report to improve it. She also accepts your apology, and she
thanks you for being willing to help fix her mistake.

The end result: productive, meaningful communication can now take place,
simply because you were willing to stop your negative thinking and step out of
the cycle.

• Example 3: The next day, your commute is just as bad, but you use relaxation
techniques in your car, and you make a real effort to be positive as you go into the
 office. You greet your assistant and your colleague warmly. Soon they're pleasant
back to you, and you all have a positive, enjoyable, productive day.

Key Points
The Betari Box illustrates how our own attitudes and behaviors directly affect the
attitudes and behaviors of people around us. When we're stuck in a negative cycle, then
it's up to us to stop that cycle by changing our attitude. This will positively impact those
around us – and therefore break the cycle.

Apply This to Your Life

1. Remember that your attitude, good or bad, affects everyone
around you.
2. The next time you're in a negative mood, stop what you're
doing. Take a few minutes to assess why you're feeling so
negative. Negativity often begins with an insignificant event
(like spilling coffee or getting stuck in traffic) and simply
gets worse from there. Consciously decide to break out of the
cycle by focusing on something positive.
3. If a colleague is stuck in a negative cycle, then remember that
you have a choice in how you respond. Just because that
person is negative to you doesn't mean that you have to be
negative back.
4. If a team member is persistently grumpy and rude, explore
the reasons for that negativity with them. Consider talking
about the Betari box, and highlight the consequences of their
behavior for team productivity and for their own quality of
life.
5. It's possible to get into downward spirals where someone is
grumpy with you, you get defensive and grumpy back, and so
on. Where you see this happen, see if you can agree to "press
the reset button", and be pleasant to one-another.

6. Practice empathy at work. Empathy can also get you out of a

negative cycle once you're in it.

Empathy at Work
Developing Skills to Understand Other People
"Tom is a great accountant, but his 'people' skills hold him back. I can't see how he'll ever
be promoted unless he does something about it."

Many of us know people who have reached a certain point in their careers because they
have excellent technical skills – but somehow they don't get along with other team
members, because their people skills lag far behind their other job skills.

This might be due to the insensitive manner in which they ask co-workers for things, the
way they never seem to listen to what others say, or their intolerance for other methods of
working.

Do you have colleagues like Tom? Or are you, perhaps, like Tom?

Workers with poor people skills can often find themselves in the middle of unnecessary
conflict. This can be exhausting and stressful for all concerned, and it can destroy even
the best laid work plans.

Many people are confident that they can develop new technical skills and knowledge
through training and experience. However, there's a common belief that "you are how
you are" when it comes to people skills – or "soft" skills – and that there's little or nothing
you can do to change these.

Fortunately, this is far from true. And a great place to start improving soft skills is by
developing the ability to empathize with others.

What Is Empathy?
Empathy is simply recognizing emotions in others, and being able to "put yourself in
another person's shoes" – understanding the other person's perspective and reality.

To be empathic, you have to think beyond yourself and your own concerns. Once you see
beyond your own world, you'll realize that there's so much to discover and appreciate!

People who are accused of being egotistical and selfish, or lacking perspective, have
often missed the big picture: that they are just single individuals in a world with billions
of other people (although, yes, this can be overwhelming if you think about it too long!)

If you've been called any of these things, then remind yourself that the world is full of
other people, and you can't escape their influence on your life. It's far better to accept this,
and to decide to build relationships and understanding, rather than try to stand alone all of
the time.

Using Empathy Effectively

To start using empathy more effectively, consider the following:
1. Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point
of view.

When you do this, you'll realize that other people most likely aren't being evil,
unkind, stubborn, or unreasonable – they're probably just reacting to the situation
with the knowledge they have.

2. Validate the other person's perspective.

Once you "see" why others believe what they believe, acknowledge it.
Remember: acknowledgement does not always equal agreement. You can accept
that people have different opinions from your own, and that they may have good
reason to hold those opinions.

3. Examine your attitude.

Are you more concerned with getting your way, winning, or being right? Or, is
your priority to find a solution, build relationships, and accept others? Without an
open mind and attitude, you probably won't have enough room for empathy.

4. Listen.

Listen to the entire message that the other person is trying to communicate.

• Listen with your ears – what is he or she saying, and what tone is being
used?
• Listen with your eyes – what is the person doing with his or her body
while speaking?
• Listen with your instincts – do you sense that the person is holding
something important back?
• Listen with your heart – what do you think the other person feels?

5. Ask what the other person would do.

When in doubt, ask the person to explain his or her position. This is probably the
simplest, and most direct, way to understand the other person. However, it's
probably the least used way to develop empathy.

It's fine if you ask what the other person wants: you don't earn any "bonus points"
for figuring it out on your own.

For example, the boss who gives her young team members turkey vouchers for
the holidays, when most of them don't even cook, is using her idea of a practical
gift – not theirs.
Practice these skills when you interact with people. You'll likely appear much more
caring and approachable – simply because you've increased your interest in what others
think, feel, and experience. It's a great gift to be willing and able to see the world from a
variety of perspectives – and it's a gift that you can use all of the time, in any situation.

Here are some more tips for an empathic conversation:

• Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening.

• Listen carefully, and note the key words and phrases that people use.
• Respond encouragingly to the central message.
• Be flexible – prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and
feelings also change.
• Look for cues that you're on target.

Key Points
Developing an empathic approach is perhaps the most significant effort you can make
toward improving your people skills. When you understand others, they'll probably want
to understand you – and this is how you can start to build cooperation, collaboration, and
teamwork.