Blogging Twilight

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BLOGGING THE TWILIGHT SAGA
BY DAN BERGSTEIN
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BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PREFACE 8
TWILIGHT BLOG PART 1 (THE FIRST 50 PAGES) 9
BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 2 11
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BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 1 70
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BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 1 184
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BLOGGING HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX: PART 18

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BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 1 347
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BLOGGING BREAKING DAN: PART 18 433
BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN: PART 18 (REVISITED) 434
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Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 39 535
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Blogging Twilight:
Preface
Your SparkNotes editors are
fascinated by Twilight: the Stephen
King brouhaha, the copycat
vampires, the movie version, the
sequel, and most of all, Sparklers'
violent hatred of, and love for, the
series. So imagine our shock when
we learned that one of our favorite
writers, Dan Bergstein, had never
read the books before! We insisted
that he get up to speed on the
phenomenon. And, of course, we asked him to blog about his reading experience. Take it
away, Dan-o! —SparkNotes editors
Before we get started, there are a few things you should know:
1. In the interest of full disclosure: I am a guy.

2. It's not my goal to tear apart the books or make fun of the fan base. In fact, I
understand the series' appeal. Twilight is Star Wars for the female set, in terms of
pop culture impact. And that's great. Besides, if you love Twilight, or anything
else, for that matter, you shouldn't let anyone change your mind or make you feel
bad about it.
3. There will be spoilers. To blog about reading the books, I'll need to talk about
major plot points. So if you're one of the few who hasn't read them yet, buy the
books and read along with me. And if you're a longtime fan, comment and tell me
what I'm getting right and wrong.
4. Here's what I know about the series before even cracking the spine:
 Bella is the main character.

 Edward is a vampire.
 Bella and Edward fall in love.
 Edward has crazy hair.
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Twilight Blog Part 1 (The first 50 pages)

The Preface
Bella's about to die at the hands of the hunter! But she probably won't be killed, if for no
other reason than there are four other books to get through. The hunter saunters towards
her…and the preface is done. This wins the award for shortest preface ever.
Chapter One
No vampires here, just a lot of explanation about Bella and her family. Lonely Bella
moved to her dad's house in rainy Washington State because her mom is busy traveling
around the country. Broken home? Check. Angst-ridden daughter who calls her dad by
his first name? Check. Lots of rain and clouds? Check. So far, this seems like the plot of
every Sundance award winning film ever made. All that's missing is a shocking, raw sex
scene and a few cancer-related deaths.
As a homecoming present, Bella's dad buys her a very used truck. And off Bella goes to
her first day at a new school. Again, no vampires are mentioned, unless the truck is a
vampire. (That would be cool!)
At school, she has a rough first day of being "the new kid." People stare, and Bella feels
uncomfortable. We quickly meet Eric, whom Bella describes as the chess club type. Bella
could have simply told the reader, "I will never kiss Eric." Better yet, she should tell Eric
this, because she's just leading the poor guy on.
Bella goes through some more classes and eventually ends up at lunch, where she first
sees the Cullen/Hale family. These must be the vampires, because they are really
attractive and strange. Bella goes on and on about how hot these teens look.
Why is attractiveness part of the vampire mythos? It seems unfair to say the least. There
should be some overweight vampires or vampires with knobby knees and bad bangs. If
only the gorgeous get bitten, it would be smarter to gain a lot of weight than to hang
garlic in your room. Easier too. Perhaps later in the book, someone will explain why only
attractive people get bitten by vampires.
The vamps are Edward, Alice, and Emmet Cullen, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale. When is
the last time you read about a vampire named John Smith or Jennifer Johnson? They
always have old, historic names. If the vampires are hundreds of years old, that makes
sense. But surely new vampires have been created since the turn of the century. Where
are the vampires named Jeff Miller or Stacy Rodriguez? Or Beyonce? Still, it could be
worse. They could be named Dracula or Angel.
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Bella mentions the old names of the vampire clan. But Bella's own name is freaking
"Isabella Swan"! Sorry, but people in glass houses shouldn't pose questions about
outdated names.
Once Bella's done drooling all over them, she finally asks one of her new friends about
the Cullen/Hales. Turns out they're adopted by a doctor and his wife, and they all keep to
themselves. Some of the adoptive kids are dating one another. Perverts.
We all know that Edward is going to be the center of Bella's attention so it's no surprise
that Bella is forced to sit next to him during biology class. But the two don't hit it off, as
Edward acts scary and distant towards Bella. Perhaps he is afraid of her. But more likely,
he doesn't like bragging, and Bella brags quite a bit to the reader. Throughout the first
two chapters, she constantly reminds the reader that she's already done the required
reading for her new school, and covered the material in her new biology class too. Way to
go, Bella. You win. It's no wonder Edward is acting cold. No one likes a braggart, even if
she only shows off to herself.
After gym class, Bella heads to the office and sees Edward trying to change biology
classes. She thinks it's impossible that someone can dislike her so much. I don't like her.
She brags too much.
Chapter Two
The next day at school is better for Bella, as she is starting to get more comfortable.
That's pretty much all that happens here. She also cooks for her dad, emails her mom, and
brags some more about getting ahead of her homework and rereading Wuthering Heights
just for the fun of it. Who does that?
At school, she keeps an eye out for Edward, who's absent for a few days. (Bladder
infection? Kidney disease? Vamp diarrhea? It's not explained, but one can only guess
what a strictly liquid diet does to the digestive tract.).
He finally shows up, but now he's the nicest guy on the planet. Bella and Edward have an
awkward but pleasant conversation, and Bella notices his eyes have changed colors. They
share a moment of electricity when their skin touches. This is either a sign of love, or
static electricity. Since static shocks are never mentioned in romance novels, I'll go with
the former. (Incidentally, hiccups are never mentioned in romance novels either, unless
they are of some symbolic significance. So keep your eyes open for such things.)
Since Bella knows everything about biology, she quickly does the assigned lab with
Edward.
Predictions for the next 50 pages:

Edward will send Bella a note that reads: "Do you like me? Circle one: Yes/No." Bella
will respond by circling the dash mark. She will continue to boast about how far ahead
she is with the readings and biology homework, and tell the reader that she can juggle
and lift really heavy things over her head, too.
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Blogging Twilight: Part 2

A few thoughts before
we begin:
It's too early to tell if I
actually enjoy the story,
but I don't dread picking
up the book. That's a
good thing.
Thanks to everyone who

answered my vampire
questions. If I get
something wrong,
which will happen,
please feel free to
correct me in the
comments. That said,
let's get on with the
show.
Chapter Three
Bella can't stop thinking about Edward Cullen. On the drive to school, she isn't sure how
to handle all the attention she's getting from boys like Eric (the nerd) and Mike (um…not
sure what kind of student Mike is. Let's call him a spaz-dork-skater-surfer-dweeb). She
even suggests that things might be easier if everyone ignored her. Unfortunately, I can't
ignore her.
She arrives at school and notices her dad was kind enough to put chains on her truck tires
to prevent her from slipping on the icy, snowy roads of dreary Forks, WA. While she's
looking at the chains, something happens.
Maybe I'm a poor reader, but it was only after rereading the action scene that I managed
to figure out what goes down: A van skids across the icy school parking lot towards
Bella. She sees the van and sees Edward, who is far away. Before the van smashes into
Bella, Edward miraculously saves her life, utilizing his vampire strength and speed.
Bella has no idea how Edward could have come to her aid so fast. But instead of being
grateful, she rudely peppers her hero with questions such as, "How did you get here so
fast?" Maybe this is how people say thanks in Bella's hometown of Phoenix, AZ. To stop
this sudden Spanish Inquisition, Edward says he'll explain everything to her later.
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Bella, Edward, and Tyler, who was driving the runaway van, are taken to the hospital.
Edward gets to sit up front in the ambulance, probably because he's a vampire and one of
their many powers (along with super speed and strength) is the ability to sit shotgun in
any vehicle.
And speaking of vampire powers: I don't get it. So far, these vamps are very strong and
super fast. Plus, as you told me in the comments, they become attractive to help lure their
prey. But if they already have incredible strength and speed, why do they need movie star
looks? Maybe they're lazy. Or maybe they use their strength and speed to catch the blind,
who aren't tempted by the good looks. But whatever the reason, these vampires seem
over-powered. And so far, Meyer is introducing more and more abilities with each
chapter.
At the hospital, Bella pulls Edward aside and demands that he explain how he saved her
life. He lies, claiming he was at her side moments before the accident, and telling her
she's confused because she bumped her head. She refuses to accept this, and gets angry.
After Edward says, "Can't you just thank me and get over it?" she finally and reluctantly
offers her thanks. Remind me never to save Bella's life.
The rest of the conversation is a petty fight between the two, during which Bella suggests
that things would have been better if Edward hadn't saved her at all. She should watch
what she says. As anyone who's seen Home Alone or 13 Going on 30 knows, people in
fictional stories should be careful what they wish for.
Bella leaves the hospital, goes home, and has her first dream about Edward.
Prediction: By the end of the series, it will be revealed that along with super strength,
good looks, and great speed, the vampires also have heat vision, cloaks of invisibility,
and missile-launching kneecaps. Plus, to further entice their victims, vampires make
delicious tacos. And to tempt infants, they sprout long sticks from their foreheads with
shiny keys attached.
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Chapter Four
Bella dreams she is trying to catch
up with her dream boy, but can't. For
the record, I hate dream sequences in
books, movies, and TV shows
(David Lynch films excepted). It's a
very lazy way to tell a story, and the
dreams are always prophetic...and
boring.
My dreams are never profound.

They're usually about taking math
tests and mowing the carpet.
Unless...of course! The carpet represents my innermost desire and the lawnmower
symbolizes my other innermost desire!
Bella quickly summarizes the month that follows: Edward ignores her. She ignores him.
Meanwhile, everyone else at the school is in love with her. There's an upcoming "Girl's
Choice" spring dance, which causes a bit of high school drama. Do schools still hold such
girls-ask-the-guys dances? I thought they only existed in the 1950s and in movies.
Mike wants Bella to ask him to the dance, but Bella's friend Jessica is going to ask Mike
to the dance. Mike then asks Bella if Bella is going to ask him to the dance...and then I
lost interest. To let all the guys down easy, Bella tells everyone that she's going to Seattle
the weekend of the dance.
Edward finally apologizes for being rude, but Bella is not listening. She wants the truth.
He explains that they can't be friends, and she goes off on the whole "You should have let
me die" rant.
Eric the nerd asks Bella if she's going to the dance, and she shoots him down.
Presumably, Eric goes home and listens to Linkin Park to ease his pain.
Bella heads home, thinks about Edward, and cooks chicken. The next day, Edward
approaches her in the parking lot and asks if she needs a ride to Seattle next week. Of
course, she accepts his offer. (Note to readers: Letting spooky, schizophrenic boys drive
you to a major city leads to your tragic story being made into a Lifetime Original Movie.
Consider this your warning.)
Prediction: Eric will try to impress Bella with his World of Warcraft character. Bella
will say, "Oh, that's nice." Eric will misinterprets this comment and run home to tell his
mom he finally has a girlfriend. Poor, poor Eric.
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Chapter Five
At lunch, Edward stares at Bella in

the cafeteria and beckons her over to
sit with him.
They talk for a bit. She describes his

eyes as "ocher" on two separate
occasions in this chapter. It's a
strange word. I'm assuming author
Stephenie Meyer ran out of other
ways to say "dreamy, sexy gold." Or
maybe she has thousands of ways to
describe his eyes, but she's saving them for another book, entitled Edward's Eyes
Thesaurus.
Edward and Bella seem to be striking up a friendship. But he's quick to say, "I'm warning
you now that I'm not a good friend for you." How coy! We all know that he's not a good
friend because he's a vampire. But Bella hasn't figured that out yet. So when he calls
himself a bad friend, she must assume this means he cheats at bowling, forwards those
annoying chain-letter emails, or spoils movie endings.
Bella then stares at Edward's ocher eyes, and says she's trying to figure out what he is,
exactly. Among her theories: he's a superhero. Of course, instead of just saying, "I
couldn't decide if he was Bruce Wayne or Peter Parker," she says, "I had been vacillating
during the last month between Bruce Wayne and Peter Parker." It should be noted that no
one has ever used the word "vacillating" when talking to themselves. It sounds like an
air-conditioning term, or something Mr. Burns would say.
Their conversation continues, and Bella gets frustrated that Edward is being sly about his
true self. All of this could have been avoided if she'd done what I do when confronted
with a super-sexy member of the opposite sex who has mood disorders: I simply ask
them bluntly, "Are you a vampire?" and "Can I kiss your mouth?"
The conversation drops to a sexy whisper. Bella says that Edward isn't bad. He whispers
back, "You're wrong." For fun, I recommend reading this conversation as if Bella and
Edward are screaming their quotes. It's also fun to add "dumb ass" to the end of every one
of their lines of dialogue throughout the entire book. Try it yourself!
Bella realizes she's going to be late for biology, and Edward tells her he's skipping class.
We quickly learn why: The biology teacher is requiring the students to prick their fingers
to determine their blood type. In this age of AIDS education, I find it unlikely that
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bloodletting would be assigned in the classroom. Perhaps this teacher will also conduct
biology labs called "Everybody Smoke," and "Let's Find Out What Knives Taste Like."
At the sight of blood, Bella gets squeamish and nearly faints. Mike offers to take her to
the nurse. As they walk to the other building, two things happen. First, Bella needs to lie
down on the cement. And second, I realize that whoever built this school in rain-drenched
Washington was an idiot. Build a damn hallway. Or tunnels. Also, from what I gather,
this is a pretty small school, so why does it feel like Penn State University as the kids
walk from building to building?
Edward, who has been chilling in his car, listening to music, spots Mike and Bella, and
offers to take her the rest of the way to the nurse. Mike gets angry, but doesn't put up too
much of a fight. Edward carries the limp Bella to the nurse.
Bella feels a bit better, but then realizes she has gym next period. Edward charms the
nurse into letting him take her home for the rest of the day. Before getting to the car,
Bella asks Edward if he's going to the beach party this weekend, but he says he isn't. I'm
with Ed on this one. Beach parties in cold, rainy weather are like wiping your nose with a
damp tissue.
On the ride home, Edward listens to classical music. Guess what? Bella likes classical
music, too! They talk about her family, and he asks if her mother would approve of her
dating someone scary. And then he says, "Do you think that I could be scary? (dumb
ass)" To which I reply yes. Anyone can be scary if given a hatchet and clown makeup.
Edward drops Bella off at her house. He doesn't bite her. And the chapter ends.
Prediction: Bella vacillates. During the vacillating, an enemy tries to shoot her in the
head, but a stranger leaps in front of the bullet, saving her life. Before dying from the
gunshot wound, the brave hero looks up into Bella's eyes and hears her whine, "Who are
you? Eww blood. Where did you come from? You're so difficult. I wish you didn't save
my..." and then the stranger dies. Bella mutters under her breath, "Thanks...I guess.
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Blogging Twilight:
Part 5
A few thoughts before we
begin:
Thank you for all the feedback.

One commenter asked if I
would date Bella (assuming she
was real). I think the better
question is: Would Bella date
me? Probably not. I'm happy,
not moody. I'm friendly, not
cryptic. And my only
superpower is the ability to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat," in a round, by myself. It
won't save a life, but it usually gets a laugh. So you can stop writing Dan Marries Bella
fan fiction; it's just not very realistic.
Chapter Six
Werewolves! Yay! This is the best chapter so far.
When it comes to monsters, I'd much rather hang out with werewolves than vampires. I
imagine chilling with vampires means sitting on uncomfortable Victorian sofas, wearing
frilly shirts and capes, holding candlesticks, and saying things like, "The hour grows late.
Soon our eternal hunger will be momentarily sated as we caress the night with our
presence." (Or, perhaps, "One balloon. Mwah ha ha. Two balloons. Mwah ha ha. Three
balloons! Mwah ha ha…")
Whereas hanging out with werewolves, I assume, means watching TV, goofing around,
and stitching clothing back together. Of course, the Twilight werewolves might turn out
to be prissy puppies. And they'll almost certainly have too many superpowers, such as
flight, the ability to summon dragons, and a time machine.
The chapter begins with Bella meeting up with her non-vampire friends and heading to
the beach for a party. There are too many kids here to keep track of, including a boy
named Ben and some other guy who's not named Ben. Lauren, who I forgot about, is
mean to Bella. Perhaps she's jealous. Or perhaps Lauren is Eric in disguise.
Everyone is hanging out, having a good time. Bella goes off to check out the tide pools,
and when she comes back, there are even more people at the party. The new gang is from
the nearby reservation. Among them is a 15-year-old guy named Jacob Black. I'm
assuming this is the same person of Team Jacob fame. If so, sign me up, because from
what I've read so far, I like this kid.
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The mean-spirited Lauren then asks Bella why Edward didn't come to the beach,
prompting an older Native American teen to say that the Cullens aren't welcome at La
Push (La Push is the name of the area. It sounds like the name of a French rapper, doesn't
it? Or possibly a rugby play.) Bella's mind starts racing, and she uses her female charms
to flirt with Jacob in hopes of getting some information on the No Cullen Rule.
Jacob and Bella take a walk. He explains that his people are descendants of wolves who
can transform into men. The werewolves have only one enemy, "the cold ones." (This is
just a creepy way of saying "vampires." People love using vampire synonyms to sound
spooky. You can also use the terms Blood Drinkers, Creatures of the Night, Mosquito-
Men, Vampyrs, Vamp [long pause] Pires, V@mp1r3s, and Pretty Night Things That
Bite).
According to Jacob, werewolves and vampires don't get along. I wonder why these
groups are always pitted against each other. A more interesting and original feud would
be between vampires and were-rhinos.
I'm sure this question will get answered later in the series, but doesn't it seem unfair for
the vampires to be picking on the wolves? Vampires are always powerful, but it's my
understanding that werewolves are only powerful during a full moon. Is it just by
coincidence that the vamps have only attacked the werewolves every 29.5305 days?
It turns out that a long time ago, some of the vampires stopped hunting humans and
became more civilized. These civil vamps made a deal with the werewolves: if the
vampires stayed away from the werewolf territory, the werewolves would leave them
alone. Of course, the civil vamps are the Cullens. I'm going to go out on a limb and say
that this truce will be broken at some point in the series.
Jacob seems like a nice guy, and relates the history of werewolves and vampires with a
wink, neither confirming nor denying the existence of the monsters. Bella, however, is
gullible. A 15-year-old kid tells her vampires are real, and suddenly she's a believer.
What little hope I had that I'd learn to like Bella just flew out the window.
Prediction: Jacob tells Bella that he once played drums with Green Day, came up with
the idea for LOST, and has a long-distance relationship with a supermodel who lives in
Italy. Bella believes every word.
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Blogging Twilight:
Part 6
Chapter Seven
Not much happens here.
Bella goes into the woods
alone to debate the existence
of vampires for what seems
like eighty pages. She finally
comes to the conclusion that
she should remain friends
with Edward, even if he's a
vamp. She also tells us that
making decisions is not one
of her strong suits.
For the sake of argument, let's say a teenager told me monsters are real, and I believed
him. I wouldn't go jaunting off alone into the wilderness to contemplate monsters. That's
where monsters live! Instead, I'd buy some guns, a helmet, a diamond-edged chainsaw, a
whip, whip instructions, neck camouflage, and a smaller helmet (in case I get a haircut
and the first helmet no longer fits). Then I'd hide in the basement and wait.
Anyway, Bella goes to school and Mike asks her out...again. And Bella shoots him
down...again. Bella notices that the Cullens are absent and she gets sad. Jessica and
Angela invite her to go dress shopping. She agrees, and the thought of an entire chapter
devoted to dress shopping worries me.
Chapter Eight-
Jessica, Angela, and Bella go to Port Angeles to shop for dresses. Bella isn't going to the
dance, but she's still along for the ride and to offer advice. The girls tell her that Tyler is
going to ask her to prom. Typical high school drama ensues.
Bella asks Angela if it's normal for the Cullens to miss school. According to Angela, the
Cullen clan doesn't come to school when it's sunny outside. Instead, they go backpacking.
Add truancy to the list of vampire powers. Or perhaps the attendance policy at Forks
High School allows pretty people to skip class.
Jessica and Angela go back to the car to drop off their dresses before dinner, while Bella
searches for a bookstore. She doesn't find one, but she does end up in the bad part of Port
Angeles, where a group of unsavory men follow her.
She panics, remembering that her pepper spray is at home, and tries desperately to get
back to a safe part of town. While being followed, Bella decides not to run, because she is
so clumsy that she'll fall. I'm beginning to worry that her clumsiness has less to do with
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coordination and more to do with brain tumors. Can a person be this clumsy without
being either gravely ill or a character in a Ben Stiller movie?
The bad dudes eventually corner Bella near a warehouse, and just when I've assumed the
rest of the books are about her funeral, Edward drives up in his Volvo. She gets in the
car, and they drive away.
At this point in the book, I can't remember if Bella and Edward are friends. He's acting all
scary and tough in the car as they speed away, and demands that she start talking about
inane things to help calm him down. He says he sometimes has a problem with his
temper.
To soothe the bad boy, Bella tells him about Tyler's prom plan. The chatter eventually
cools Edward. They head over to the restaurant, where they meet Jessica and Angela,
who are leaving. They're glad that Bella is OK, but they must not have been too worried,
because they ate without her. How very rude. Especially since, according to my literary
clock, all of thirty minutes have passed. Did the two girls give up waiting after a minute
and say to themselves, "Well, Bella's probably OK in this town she's never been to
before. And if she was murdered and raped, there's little we could do to help. Besides, I'm
starving, and I smell lasagna. I'm totally getting lasagna."
Edward acts like a gentleman and takes Bella to dinner at the restaurant, telling Jessica
that he will drive her home. The hostess and the waitress are both dazzled by Edward,
and Bella feels a bit jealous.
Edward, of course, doesn't eat, but insists that Bella get some food because she'll likely
go into shock after what just happened to her. She sucks down a few sodas, and they start
talking. She isn't brave enough to ask, "Are you a vampire?" But she does beat around the
bush for the rest of the chapter.
During the course of the conversation, Bella asks if Edward can read minds. During a
rather confusing and awkward conversation, he admits that he can read minds, but not her
mind. (Brain tumor! I'm telling you!) It's funny that Edward can't read Bella's thoughts. I
can read her thoughts just fine. Perhaps I'm a super vampire.He says that he was reading
Jessica's mind, and used that information, along with his keen tracking abilities, to find
Bella. It just so happened he arrived in time to save her.
Bella takes the news that Edward can read minds very well. She doesn't seem shocked.
Rather, she reacts as if he just admitted he can play the saxophone. I think a normal
person would make him prove his ability, or take him to Vegas to clean up at high-stakes
poker tournaments. Or, at the very least, scream, "That's so cool!"
Edward says his instincts are telling him to go find those guys who wanted to harm Bella
and kill them. He's doing everything in his power to ignore those instincts. He's so
tormented. Poor guy. Maybe he needs a hobby to help him relax, like knitting or banana
sticker collecting.
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They leave the restaurant and head home. There are more questions to be asked, such as,
"Seriously, why don't we go to Vegas?" and "Are you a vampire?" and "Wasn't it, like,
totally rude of Jessica and Angela to eat without me?" But that will have to wait for the
ride home.
Predictions: On the way home, Bella gets stung by a bee. Edward freaks out, and
struggles to resist the urge to kill the bee. Finally, he screams and bashes his head against
the steering wheel to let out his frustration.
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A few thoughts before we begin:
A couple hundred pages into the book,
there's no villain to be found. The
preface set up a life-and-death situation
that Bella will encounter at some point.
But since no bad guys have been
introduced (except the thugs in Port
Angeles), I'm left wondering if the
hunter mentioned in the preface isn't
Eric gone berserk, wearing bright
orange hunting gear. I hope the baddie
shows up soon, because these chapters
were a bit boring, repetitive, boring, and repetitive.
Chapter Nine
On the ride home, Edward admits that he was able to follow Bella's scent in Port
Angeles. Strong noses are another vampire power, I suppose. He also says that of all the
vampires, he's the only one who can read minds. At this point, I'm not even going to try
keeping track of super powers. Let's assume these vampires can do whatever the heck
they want.
Bella finally asks a reasonable question: how does mind-reading work? Edward explains
that the closer he is to the person, the easier it is to read her mind. Bella asks why he can't
read her mind, and he says he has no idea, theorizing that perhaps her brainwaves work
on a different frequency than normal people's. Or maybe Bella, like my grandma, thinks
in German, and Edward doesn't speak the language.
During this conversation, Edward is flying down the highway (not literally, although I
assume he could actually fly if he wanted to). His reckless driving scares Bella, but Eddie
says, "I hate driving slow." I'm pretty sure "I Hate Driving Slow" is also the name of a
grisly driver's ed film.
Bella finally confesses that she talked with Jacob Black, and that Black told her Edward
was a vampire. She tells Edward that even if he is a vampire, it doesn't matter. She still
likes him. After all, it's what's on the outside that counts, right?
Edward then confesses he's been 17 for a while now. I've read somewhere that he's really
100 years old, but even if he's just 40, this relationship is beyond gross. I'm guessing
vampires maintain the appearance they had at whatever age they were bitten. So if
Edward had been transformed into a vampire at the age of 60, he would still be lusting
after Bella, but look like your grandfather. Put another way: Despite his appearance,
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Edward is an old man. At some point in the series, author Stephenie Meyer better explain
why this isn't icky, or else I'm getting my "Twilight Makes Sense" tattoo removed.
Bella then goes through the list of vampire myths. Edward says vamps don’t sleep in
coffins, because they don't sleep at all. They probably just nap. He also explains that he
doesn't feed on humans, though it's difficult to resist them sometimes. This brings up
another question I hope gets answered later: If humans are food for vampires, why would
Edward be attracted to Bella? It's like a regular guy falling in love with a bowl of soup.
Edward continues to drive like a maniac, and tells Bella that he only hunts animals
because he doesn't want to be a monster. If he doesn't want to be a monster, why can't he
find a cure? A vampire bite turns a human into a vampire, right? So it stands to reason
that if a normal person bites a vampire, the vamp will turn into a normal person. (This is
why I bite people who I suspect are vampires, and also why I'm no longer allowed within
50 feet of the quiet, creepy bearded guy from Ace of Cakes).Also, there are endless
supplies of blood around, from used Band-aids to puffy gums. If Ed craves the taste of
human blood, I'm sure he could find a harmless way to get some. Or why not go to war?
He could serve his country and have a buffet at the same time.
Edward admits that while hunting with his brother, he felt anxious because he was away
from Bella. He says he's drawn to her for some unexplainable reason, and feels he must
protect her. Not to belabor the point, but even when confronted with the most delicious
sandwich or soup, I never felt the need to protect it from harm. Edward says he misses
school on sunny days because the sun affects vampires—although he won't say how,
exactly. (I assume the sun gives them headaches. I know how that feels, especially if
you're driving. Don't even get me started.)
They talk some more, and I swear I read this exact same conversation a few chapters ago.
Edward says he's dangerous. Bella says she doesn't care. And I zone out and begin to
wonder if hats or helmets were invented first. (I'm going with helmets.)
They make it back to Bella's house. Edward warns Bella, "Don't go into the woods
alone." (No wait…I change my answer to hats. But, like, a really thick hat.)Throughout
the car ride, Bella tells us how wonderful Edward smells, saying, "His breath blew in my
face, stunning me." This may give young women unrealistic expectations about how men
smell. It's also possible that Bella has never smelled Axe deodorant mixed with the scent
of Listerine before, and finds the combination enchanting. Bella leaves Edward and goes
inside. She remembers her jacket is still in Jessica's car, so she calls Jessica and promises
to give her all the details of this pseudo-date at school tomorrow. The chapter ends with
Bella telling us, "I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." Really? She
hardly knows the dude. She doesn't even know his middle name, his political ideas, his
favorite TV show, or his thoughts on the whole helmet/hat debate. All she knows is that
he's a vampire, he's pretty, and he "hates driving slow." Bella is just romanticizing the
time she spent with him. It's sort of like saying, "This is the best movie ever" after the
first twenty minutes of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, and then at about the two-
hour mark, realizing you should have seen The Dark Knight instead.
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Predictions: When not driving fast, bad boy Edward also enjoys jaywalking, saying, "I
hate walking along designated areas at intersections."
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24

Chapter Ten
Bella wakes up and worries that her

fabulous date was all a dream. But it
wasn't. She collects her school stuff
and heads out the door, only to find
Edward waiting for her. He offers her
a ride to school.
We know from the last chapter that

Edward doesn't sleep. What does he do
all night, if he's not out killing
animals? If I were him, I'd host midnight garage sales. Not only would this eliminate
competition from the typical early-morning garage sales, but the customers would be hip
young people who wouldn't care that the Snoopy puzzle is missing eight pieces, instead
of the usual old, loud-mouthed bargain hunters who try to talk you into knocking sixteen
cents off the price of your old laundry basket.
Bella sniffs Edward's jacket again and says his smell is even better today. They arrive at
school, where Edward reads Jessica's mind to learn what types of questions she's going to
bombard Bella with later. Jessica wants to know if Edward and Bella are dating, and how
Bella feels about Edward.
He lets Bella know about the forthcoming questions, and tells her that they should
classify themselves as dating. Bella isn't sure how to answer Jessica's second questions,
because Edward will no doubt be reading Jessica's mind when Bella spills her guts.
Mike doesn't ask Bella out.
When Bella gets to trig class, Jessica is there waiting for all the gossip. The two girls
exchange information. Bella admits that she did not kiss Edward. After more girl talk, she
gives in and admits that she likes Edward...a lot. She's worried that she likes him more
than he likes her.
After class, Edward is waiting for Bella. The two go to lunch together. She asks him to
eat pizza to see what happens when a vampire eats people food. He takes a bite and says
it's like eating dirt; he can do it, but it's not fun.
He says he read Jessica's mind, and is bothered by the fact that Bella thinks she likes him
more than he likes her. The two engage in a strange conversation about who loves who
more. During the talk, she says, "Sometimes it seems like you're trying to say goodbye
when you're saying something else." What the heck does this mean?
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It only gets worse when he says, "If leaving is the right thing to do, then I'll hurt myself to
keep from hurting you, to keep you safe." Again, I'm not sure what this means, and
suspect it's just some random words lined up.
I think a more realistic conversation between two teens, even if one is a vampire, would
go something like this:
BELLA: Hey.
EDWARD: Hey.
BELLA: What's up?
EDWARD: I don't know.
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: ...
BELLA: Um...I like you more than you like me.
EDWARD: Shut up. That's stupid.
BELLA: No it's not. [Giggles]
EDWARD: I...uh...I...
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: I like you more than you like me.
BELLA: For real?
EDWARD: Yep. [Looks at shoes]
BELLA: Cool. What's the deal with werewolves?
EDWARD: I don't know. They're so lame.
BELLA: Totes.
EDWARD: I know, right? I can read minds.
BELLA: Yeah, I know. You already told me that.
EDWARD: [Fiddles with shoe string] Wanna see how high I can jump, after school?
BELLA: Um...all right, I guess.
EDWARD: Cool.
Their conversation goes back to the whole "It's dangerous for us to be together, but even
more dangerous for us to be apart" thing. They then talk about the upcoming trip to
Seattle, and Bella demands to do the driving.
She asks about hunting, and Edward says he and his brother like to hunt bears, but his
favorite animals to hunt are mountain lions. The thoughtful guy quickly adds, "We have
to be careful not to impact the environment with the injudicious hunting."
Bella asks if she could watch them hunt sometime, and he freaks out, saying absolutely
not. I'm assuming this is because he hunts in the nude.
Predictions: Bella tells Edward, "When I look at your eyes, the soul I see reflects the
goodbyes of tomorrow but longs for the hello of yesteryear." Edward replies, "Being with
you is wrong, but if it's right to be with you, than I'd rather be not-right. Without the
wrongness we can never hurt together with harm?"
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Chapter Eleven
Bella and Edward go to biology class
together. She spends the entire class
telling us about Edward and how
sexy-fun it is to sit close to him. After
class, he touches her face, which
should seem erotic, but I'm picturing
a 100-year-old man sensually
touching a 17-year-old girl's face,
which is both goofy and disgusting.
In gym class, Mike shows up again and asks Bella if she's with Edward now. Mike says,
"He looks at you I like...like you're something to eat." This reinstates my point from a
previous post: I've never looked romantically at a cow or stroked a cow's face just
because I was hungry for a hamburger.
Bella meets up with Edward in the parking lot. He says he doesn't like Mike. This makes
her mad, because it means he's reading other people's minds as a way to eavesdrop on her
conversations. He apologizes.
Bella asks Edward why she can't see him hunt, and he explains that hunting is primitive,
scary, and frantic. He's worried he would hurt her during the hunt, as he becomes a slave
to his instincts. Again...he's dating a cheeseburger, more or less...if you think about it.
There's also a few dozen paragraphs about Edward's eyes in this chapter. Does this guy
not have ears, nostrils, or lips? Why can't Bella tells us what his other features are like?
For instance, "At the talk of hunting, his sideburns flexed with desire, and his nose
suddenly resembled the mighty bow of an inverted ship." Better yet, "His Adam's apple is
lovely."
Before Bella goes inside her house, Edward says tomorrow it's his turn to ask the
questions. The next morning, Bella and her dad talk for a bit, and he leaves for work.
Edward shows up to drive Bella to school. Meanwhile, Bella's truck is probably sad.
Throughout the day, Edward asks Bella all kinds of random, boring questions, such as:
"What's your favorite color?", and, "What kind of flowers do you like?" Nothing
interesting is revealed. If I were him, I'd ask her important questions such as, "Since I'm
immortal and you're not, eventually you're going to get old and busted. When that
happens, is it cool if I date another 17-year-old?"
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27
In biology, Edward touches Bella's face again. But this time, he uses the back of his hand.
In the world of face-erotica, that's like getting to second base. How scandalous.
Edward drives Bella home and the inane questions continue, as he asks what she misses
most about home. While sitting in front of her house, she asks what time it is, and
Edward responds, "It's twilight." If I were making the movie, I'd rearrange scenes so that
this would be the last line of the film, and just as he says, "twilight," a power-pop song
would blare as the credits roll. But that's just me...
Bella is worried that her dad will be home soon, and Edward suddenly gets a strange
feeling. A car stops a few feet away from them. Edward gives it a mean stare, before
kicking Bella out of the car and driving away. Jacob and his dad Billy are in the other car.
Bella realizes that her situation is very complicated, as she is in the middle of a monster
war.
Predictions: The situation is further complicated when it's revealed that Bella's father is
an alien and her mom is a predator. Also, Mike is a Yankees fan and Jessica is a Red Sox
fan. And Eric is made of oil, while Angela is made of water.
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A few thoughts before we begin:

Thanks for the feedback. I even enjoy
hearing from the haters. To answer a
frequently-asked question, yes, I plan
to blog about the other books in the
series as well. Heck, if there's a
demand, I'll blog about eating
Twilight-themed Sweetarts, sleeping
on Edward Cullen pillowcases, and
setting sail on the Twilight cruise. As
for the story itself, maybe my own
preconceived notions are to blame, but
I thought that at some point in a
vampire tale, there would be some
blood or spookiness. Hopefully things will get better…
Chapter Twelve
The chapter begins with Jacob and his dad Billy stopping by for a visit. While Billy and
Bella's dad watch sports, Jacob hangs out with Bella in the kitchen, asking about the
mysterious man in the car. Bella finally tells him it was Edward Cullen. Instead of acting
dramatic, Jacob just laughs. He seems like a pretty down-to-earth character. His dad,
however, is mildly suspicious of Bella. No one turns into a wolf, not even for a little bit.
The next morning, Edward drives Bella to school. She tells us, "I couldn't imagine how
an angel could be any more glorious. There was nothing about him that could be
improved upon." Really? How about an eyeball on the end of a finger so he could look
around corners without being seen? Or bigger calf muscles?
Edward continues with his boring questions about Bella's past, finding out that she didn't
have any boyfriends back in Phoenix. At school, he tells her that he's going to skip class
later with his sister Alice to go hunting, meaning Bella won't have a ride home from
school. She says she can easily walk home, but Ed says her truck will somehow show up
at the end of the day.
She wonders how he can pull this off, since the truck keys are hidden in a pair of pants
under a pile in her laundry room. Even if Ed and Alice are expert cat burglars, they won't
know where the key is. But she says nothing, and waits to see if Edward can really do it.
Meanwhile the werewolves are probably doing ridiculously awesome things, but instead
we have to read about boring Bella.
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Edward explains that he needs to go hunting if they are going to spend tomorrow
together. He doesn't want to get vampy on Bella during their first real date. He says that
of all his siblings, Alice is the most supportive of his relationship with Bella. The other
vampires are worried it will lead to trouble. They give Bella mean stares during lunch.
Alice seems fun and friendly. Thank God. If I had to deal with a female version of moody
Edward, I might give up on the series. Alice and Edward are about to leave school so
they can kill animals when Edward makes Bella promise that she'll be careful. He's
overprotective and acts like a father, not a boyfriend. I half-expected him to remind Bella
to eat vegetables, wear a sweater, and avoid using her real name in chat rooms, because
that's how cyber criminals find victims.
Before leaving, he touches Bella's face.
During gym, Mike asks about Bella's plans for the weekend, and she confesses that she's
not going to Seattle, but instead is just going to hang out and study. Mike, being an idiot,
asks her to come to the dance. Bella, in no uncertain terms, rejects him.
At the end of school, she walks to parking lot and finds her truck, just as Edward had
promised. How did it get there? Maybe he snuck into her house and found the key. Or
maybe he took Bella's dad hostage and demanded to know where the keys were while
Alice held a knife to Charlie's throat.
Inside the truck, Edward left a note that says, "Be safe." This is exactly the kind of note a
parent would leave. Instead of being so intense all the time, he should have left
something flirty and fun in the car, like a note saying:
Hey Isabelly,
I wrote this rap for you:
Promise not to die

And don't be a liar
I like to kill bears
'Cause I'm a vampire
Holla!
Later hater,
Ed-weird
P.S.
I want to touch your face so hard!
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Bella goes home, talks to her dad, and then takes cold medicine to help her sleep. This is
not a very good message to be sending to young readers. Cold medicine is a gateway
drug to heroin and hobo murder.
The next morning, Edward shows up bright and early and the two head out to a
mysterious destination in Bella's truck. On the ride to mystery land, he gets very angry
about the fact that she didn't let anyone know where she was going. He's scared that
something bad will happen.
This is confusing. If he's worried that he's going to kill her, what difference does it make
if anyone knows where she is? She'd still be dead. If Edward is concerned about being
alone with Bella, she could make herself less desirable by not shaving her armpits and
peeing her pants. Or she could simply talk about the season finale of Grey's Anatomy.
(Guys hate that).
Edward knows how to treat a lady. Instead of making Bella watch him play Call of Duty
for a few hours before going out to Burger King, he takes her hiking in a seemingly
enchanted, romantic forest.
While hiking, Bella tells us once again that Edward is a godlike creature. We get it. She
thinks he's hot. If you eliminated all descriptions of Edward, along with all conversations
about danger and scenes of face-touching, this book would be nothing but a short
paragraph or two about rain and badminton.
Finally, the two reach an area of the forest where sunlight is shining, and Edward steps
into the light to show what happens when vamps catch some rays. This is set up in an
exciting way, making it seem as though something wonderful, amazing, and jaw-
dropping will happen. And then the chapter ends. I'm assuming that when he steps into
the light, Edward's eyes will water a bit and he'll sneeze, because sometimes, that
happens to me.
Predictions:
For their second date, Edward takes Bella to a romantic castle. For their third date, he
takes her to a romantic deserted island. For their fourth date, they go to TGIFridays and
he lets her order an appetizer and a dessert. For their fifth date, they go to a unicorn farm.
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Chapter Thirteen
A better title for this chapter

would have been "26 Pages of
Touching." The chapter begins
with Edward hanging out in the
sun, which means we finally see
how solar power affects the
Twilight vamps: It makes them
glitter. (You can't see this, but I'm
rolling my eyes. Also, my socks
don't match. Don't judge me.)
I wasn't sure what to expect when Ed gets hit with sunbeams, but if all that happens is
that he sparkles, color me disappointed. Does sparkling serve a purpose, besides letting
vampires blend in at rave parties or at Lady Gaga concerts?
Bella loves the glitter. Not to harp on the sparkle ability, but would it really turn a girl
on? It seems rather feminine. Perhaps in the first draft of the story, when Edward stepped
into the light, he also sprouted pigtails, hair ribbons, and those socks with the pom-poms
on the ankle.
Bella describe Edward for a few paragraphs, and then the arm touching begins and Eddie
likes it, a lot. He freaks out and runs away. Then walks back. Honestly, I'm not even sure
if I read this part correctly. But that's what I think happens.
They talk and Edward says that he doesn't need all of his super powers. He shows off a
bit by running around in a circle and breaking pieces of wood. He explains that all this
power and attractiveness helps vampires hunt. Later in this chapter, he talks about hiding
from the rest of the world. Why all the secrecy? Vamps are obviously superior to
humans, so they shouldn't be afraid of us. In fact, they should have enslaved us by now.
Edward and Bella then talk for a long time about fear and danger and how this
relationship is doomed. These kids need something else to talk about, as right now, they
are the most boring couple in the history of romance. The relationship between Mike and
Jessica, or between Eric and his Babylon 5 memorabilia is more interesting than this dull
duo.
Edward explains that each vampire is drawn to a particular kind of scent/flavor of human,
and Isabella is his favorite flavor. He likens his desire to drink her blood to a drug addict
craving his vice of choice. "You're exactly my brand of heroin," he says. Because this is a
romance novel, lines like that seem to work. But I bet if a normal guy said that to a
normal girl, the girl (if she had any sense at all) would be put off. It's a pretty stalker-ish
thing to say.
Why is Bella so irresistible to Edward? I have no idea. But since he wants her blood,
why can't he have some? A normal person can donate blood every few weeks. If Bella
started now, she would have a whole cupboard filled with Eddie Treats in no time, and
then the "I can't be with you. But I must be with you" nonsense could end.
Maybe he can just drink Bella's mother's blood instead. Or maybe Bella's mom and dad
can get together, have another kid, and feed it to Edward. (But if they choose to do that,
they shouldn't name the kid, because then they will get too attached.) I'm just throwing
out ideas, because I'm sick of Edward complaining.
Edward says that his brother Jasper is new to the "don't eat humans" rule and hasn't yet
figured out that some people taste better than others. His brother Emmet, however, has
come across a few of his favorite flavors, and he couldn't resist killing them. So if you
taste good, look out.
We now understand why Edward acted so strange on Bella's first day of school. He
wanted to drink her blood very, very badly. After that day, he ditched town and went to
Alaska to think things through. After some heavy ruminating and animal-blood-drinking
in Alaska, he came to the conclusion that killing Bella was bad and he shouldn't eat her.
That's nice of him. It's like a normal guy promising his new girlfriend that he won't text
his ex-girlfriend. But as most girls know, such a promise is rarely kept. If I were Bella, I'd
invest in some metal turtlenecks. (And snoop around on his cell phone when he's not
looking. Am I right, ladies? Mmm-hmm.)
Edward confesses, "You are the most important thing to me now. The most important
thing to me ever." Bella responds with, "I would rather die than stay away from you."
That's pretty typical first date chit-chat, no?
Then Edward compares himself to a lion falling in love with a lamb. I'm no zoologist, but
I don't think lions eat a lot of sheep. A better analogy would be a lion falling in love with
a slow zebra, or a lamb assassin falling in love with a lamb, or melting glacier caused by
global warming falling in love with a polar bear.
Edward says one of the things that switched him into crazy mode was the odor of Bella's
throat. Interesting. If vampires love necks, Danny DeVito shouldn't worry about being
attacked, but giraffes have much to fear.
This conversation is followed by some neck touching, which is just as naughty as face-
touching except there's less chance of boogers. The touching goes on and on. Chances are
good that Bella's face will be rubbed raw by chapter's end. Explaining a chapped face to
Charlie isn't going to be fun. During the touching, Ed gets his hungry eyes, and says Bella
cannot begin to understand the confusion he's feeling.
For a few more paragraphs he talks about how difficult it is being close to her. Edward
has turned into a big whiner. Suck it up, man. I thought vampires were supposed to be
tough and scary, not wusses who run fast and sparkle.
The lovers rest in the meadow until it begins to get dark. Instead of hiking back to the car,
Bella hops on Edward's back and he races through the forest. This feat of strength brings
up yet another question: How does a vampire's metabolism work? Athletes need to eat
tons of food to offset all the calories they burn. It stands to reason that vampires are
burning an even greater number of calories as they run and lift heavy objects. Plus, they
never sleep to rest their bodies, and I don't think blood has many carbohydrates, unless
you make some sort of blood bread. So how can vampires possibly go for days, or longer,
without drinking blood? This is confusing. Please don't tell me the answer is "magic,"
because if that's the case, why would they have to drink blood at all?
They finally make it back to the truck. Bella's in a state of shock after being carried
through the forest at high speeds. Before leaving, they stare at each other and finally kiss.
This gets Bella too excited and she can't control herself. Edward has to step back before
he kills her with passion.
Between the kiss and the forest run, Bella is a bit out of sorts. In a somewhat sexist
fashion, Edward asks if he can drive back. At first she won't let him, but then, because
she is just too smitten, she allows him to drive. And the two head home.
Prediction: On the ride home, Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then
he says that it's dangerous for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.
Then Edward asks if Bella is afraid of him. She says no. Then he says that it's dangerous
for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.
for them to be together. She says she doesn't care.
for them to be together. She says she doesn't care....
Chapter Fourteen
After the touch-fest, Edward drives

Bella home. On the way, he listens to
an oldies radio station, which
prompts Bella to ask about his age.
He finally admits that he was born in
1901. He was suffering from Spanish
influenza in 1918 when Carlisle
saved his life by transforming him
into a vampire. He says the process
was very painful. We then get a
rundown on the Cullen family
history.
After saving Edward, Carlisle saved Esme, who I think is Carlisle's wife. Carlisle seems
like the nicest guy in the world. Not only did he save Edward's life, but he later made a
girl vampire, Rosalie, for Edward to hug and kiss. But their relationship never blossomed,
and Edward thinks of her as a sister.
Rosalie found the human Emmet in the forest, suffering from a brutal bear attack, and
took him to Carlisle, who saved his life by turning him into a vampire. Rosalie and
Emmet then fell in love.
Vampire Alice, who can predict the future, found vampire Jasper walking around, and
they went to see nice-guy Carlisle. And that's how they became a family.
But if Carlisle can save people's lives by turning them into vampires, why doesn't he do
so all the time? Why has he only saved three kids and one woman? (Alice and Jasper
were already vampires when they came to the family.) There are many deserving people
in the world who are suffering from diseases and maulings; why couldn't Carlisle have
saved them, instead of this handful of whiny, dying teens?
Edward explains that most vampires are nomads and loners. Families like his are rare
because grouping together can bring unwanted attention to their species. Again, why is
vampirism such a secret? It's 2009. Stand up and be proud of who you are.
During the family history talk, Edward and Bella arrive back at her house. Her stomach
growls and Edward realizes he completely forgot that humans need food. She invites him
inside.
He knows where the spare house key is, and admits that he comes to Bella's house every
night and watches her sleep. Obviously, she freaks out.
Edward's behavior is wrong on many different levels. If a real person did this, regardless
of his looks and personality, a girl would be a fool to befriend him, let alone smooch him.
Even if you're in a long-term, loving relationship, watching your significant other sleep
every night is a violation of trust.
Besides, Edward could be doing more productive things with his evenings, such as
starting a midnight basketball program or stopping good people from dying by turning
them into vampires. He's so selfish.
Bella is a little ticked off about Edward's nighttime activities because she talks in her
sleep and is worried that she muttered something embarrassing. But he tells her she never
said anything bad. While Bella is heating up lasagna, her father comes home and Edward
quickly disappears.
Bella and her dad talk, and she gulps down her lasagna and goes to her room. She looks
out the window for Edward, but he's already in the room because he's a perverted stalker.
Bella is so excited, and tells Edward to stay put while she takes a shower. After the
shower, they talk, and there's more neck touching. He says he's getting better at
controlling his desire to kill her, explaining that it's a struggle of mind over matter. They
talk about danger...again.
Because being away from her scent will only make Edward want to kill her more, Bella
invites him to stay the night. He then admits that emotions are difficult and explains how
jealous he felt when Mike asked Bella out. When that happened, he wanted to know why
Bella turned down Mike. Since he couldn't read her mind, the only logical thing to do
was sneak into her house at night, watch her sleep, and hope that she talked as she
snoozed. Or, if he were sane, he could have just asked her how she felt.
Edward then describes Mike as "vile," which is strange, because Mike isn't an old man
who sneaks into teenagers' windows at night to watch them slumber.
Bella says she doesn't understand how Edward can be attracted to her, but not to Rosalie.
He emphasizes the fact that Rosalie is his sister. And he adds that no one has made him
feel love until he met Bella. He's been waiting 90 years for her.
She says this doesn't seem fair; she didn't have to wait a lifetime to find her true love like
Edward did. He then goes off on the danger-talk again, saying Bella is putting her life in
jeopardy every time they are together, so even though he had to wait nearly a century for
love, she still has the raw end of the deal.
Charlie comes in to check on Bella, and Edward hides. When Charlie is gone, Edward
gets back in bed with Bella and smells her, describing her odor as "Lavender or freesia."
He's probably smelling Bella's soap, as she just got out of the shower. I think Suave
makes a Freesian shampoo.
Ed says the Cullens are trying to rise above their desires. Just because they were dealt the
desire to drink blood doesn't mean they need to act like animals. They strive to remain
somewhat human. I'm reminded of that video of the waterskiing squirrel: like Ed, he's
trying to attain some level of humanity.
Bella asks a very reasonable question: Why do vampires get individual super powers on
top of their already heightened abilities? Edward doesn't know, but Carlisle has a theory
that whatever ability you had as a human gets magnified when you become a vampire. I
have a theory too: Stephenie Meyers just made this up as she went along, and mind-
reading seemed like a fun power.
As a human, Edward was sensitive to people's thoughts, so as a vamp, he can read minds.
Alice probably had some precognition abilities as a human, so now can tell the future,
and Emmet was a strong human so he's an even stronger vampire. Jasper can manipulate
the emotions of those around him because...well, I'm sure at some point in this story he
will need to do just that.
I understand those powers, sort of. But then Edward says Carlisle's special power is
compassion and Esme's power is love. Those aren't super powers. Those are words
plucked from a Hallmark Movie Channel advertisement. And Rosalie's "power" is
tenaciousness. Aquaman has better powers than this.
I picture Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie as a crimefighting team. When confronted with a
bad situation, Carlisle shouts, "I'll use my compassion to stop the army of evil robots.
Esme, use your power of love to free the prisoners, and Rosalie, use your stubbornness to
thwart the mad doctor. Cullens attack!" And then all three are killed instantly.
There's some talk about where vampires came from, but no one really seems to know.
Edward says vampirism might be caused by evolution, or perhaps God was involved.
Bella asks about sex, only she never uses the word. Edward tells her it would be
dangerous because if he loses control, he would kill her instantly with his strength. Of
course, since the word sex is never mentioned, and the act is only alluded to, Bella might
have been asking if vampires can play Wii Boxing. Read the last two pages of this
chapter with Wii Boxing in mind instead of sex and the conversation still makes sense.
Edward then hums a lullaby and Bella falls asleep.
Prediction: Edward admits that along with sneaking into Bella's room at night, he's also
been stealing hair from her hairbrush and using it to brush his teeth. And he's filled 19
notebooks with the sentence "I (heart) Bella Cullen 4-Ever." And he's been going through
her trash and using her old tissues to make an altar where they can be married. Bella
thinks all of this is terrific.

we begin: To those who
encouraged me to stick
with the book, you were
right. It's getting (a
little) better. The story
is still slow for my taste,
but at least things are
heading towards a
conflict.
Chapter Fifteen
Bella wakes up and

Edward is in her room, like he promised. She's so excited to see him sitting in her rocking
chair that she runs over and jumps into his lap.
This is gross, but I'm picturing a grandfather holding his granddaughter on his knee, and
expecting Edward to say something like, "You kids today are so spoiled with your
Tweeters and your MyFaces. When I was your age, all we had was a ball and world wars
to keep us busy."
Edward tells Bella that her dad left, so the two of them are all alone. She asks for a
"human minute," which is her cute way of excusing herself to the bathroom.
When she returns, Bella realizes that Edward is wearing different clothing than he had on
last night. She gets a bit ticked off because this means Edward didn't stay with her the
entire night. He says it would be scandalous if the neighbors saw him emerge from her
house wearing the same clothes he wore last night. I'm thinking Ed actually left because
he needed to use the restroom and only feels comfortable at home.
Edward says that while sleeping, Bella professed her love for him out loud. Having slept
in the same room as a night-babbler, I know that when people talk in their sleep, their
pronouncements make no sense. So I imagine Bella really said something like, "I don't
want [inaudible M-sound] soup. Love Edward Cullen and ten [SNORT] dollars!
Grocery?" But that wouldn't have been as romantic.
She's a bit embarrassed, but does whisper "I love you" to Edward to prove that it wasn't
just a subconscious statement. He responds, "You are my life now." You might consider
that a strange response, but I use the same phrasing when signing a note. For example:
We're out of tomatoes. I'm going to the store. Dishes in the

washer are clean.
You are my life now,
Dan
When Edward mentions breakfast, she jokingly grabs her neck. Then she says "Watch me
hunt" as she prepares a mundane breakfast. After listening to Bella whine and say over-
dramatic things, it's a bit strange to see her act like a normal, friendly teenage girl. I wish
this witty side came through more often, instead of the "I love you so much it hurts my
soul" side.
While Bella eats, Edward stares. The guy has been alive for over a hundred years. You
would think he'd know by now that gazing at someone while she eats is rude. Maybe
staring was considered the proper thing to do way back when, just like keeping a straight
face in photographs or oppressing minorities.
Edward suggests that she meet his family that afternoon. Bella is worried about
encountering a family of vampires, although she's fretting less about being killed and
more about whether the Cullens will accept her.
Edward also suggests it would be a good idea for him to meet Bella's dad formally. He
asks if she will introduce him as her boyfriend, and she reflects that he's not exactly a
boy. Maybe she should introduce him like this:
BELLA: Hey Charlie. This is Edward. He's my man-buddy. He watches me sleep every
night. But don't worry. We can't "get busy" because Edward would kill me. So all we can
do is smooch and touch our faces, which is so awesome. He eats bears. Anyway, we're
off to an enchanted garden filled with rainbows and bubbles. Later.
Edward says the introduction should be made soon because Charlie will get suspicious
about Edward hanging around all the time. The thought of Edward hanging around
excites Bella.
She leaves him downstairs while she gets ready to meet the Cullens by putting on some
casual but nice clothes. When she emerges, Edward is taken aback by her appearance,
saying that she looks too tempting. There's more touching, and Edward slowly kisses
Bella. Then she passes out either from all the passion, or because she just realized how
utterly creepy and clingy Edward is, and now she can't end the relationship because he
will kill her, so she'll have to live the rest of her life with this stalker. (Of course, she
passed out from the passion and not the logic.)
The two then go to Edward's house, which is not a castle or tomb, but instead a typical if
spacious home that is somewhat hidden in the forest. When they walk inside, Bella is
shocked by how bright and airy the house is. Carlisle and Esme greet them. The two
vampires seem excited to meet Bella, and Carlisle insists that she drop the stuffy "Dr.
Cullen" and call him "Carlisle." I was hoping for a fun nickname, like "C.C." or "Carl-
ifornia" or "His Royal Blondness."
Alice hops down the stairs, kisses Bella on the cheek, and mentions how lovely Bella
smells. She doesn't seem too tempted by Bella, unlike Jasper, who is nice, but stays back.
He uses his magical ability to alter emotions to make Bella feel comfortable.
While everyone is standing around and staring at each other, Bella notices the grand
piano. You will never believe this, but Edward can play the piano beautifully. Moreover,
he writes his own music and has composed a piece that was inspired by Bella.
He doesn't mention it, but I assume his song is entitled one of the following:
Dangerous Passion

Passionate Danger

 Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap It, Slap It)
 A Whiff of Bella In The Morning
 Bella and The Lurker
 If Spying on the One I Love is Wrong, I Don't Want to be Right
 Back Dat Up, Bella (Slap it, Slap it) [Club Remix feat. T-Pain]
While Edward plays his ode to Bella, the rest of his family members silently leave to give
the two lovebirds some privacy. Edward reassures Bella that Carlisle and Esme like her,
and so does Alice. He warned Jasper to keep his distance from her, but Jasper likes her
too. Rosalie, however, is jealous that Bella is a human. In other words, Rosalie wishes
she could sleep, run slowly, and be ugly. Poor Rosalie.
Emmet doesn't dislike Bella. He just thinks Edward is crazy for falling in love with a
human. I'm not sure where Emmet and Rosalie were at during the meet-and-greet;
possibly out killing bears, or maybe Emmet was helping Rosalie hone her super-powered
ability to be stubborn, as she refused to clean up a mess she made.
Edward tells Bella that during the awkward first meeting with the Cullens, Carlisle shot
Edward a mind-message that said bad guys are coming to town. Finally! These evil
vampires better be badass, because I just schlepped through 329 pages without one cool
vampire fight scene. I'm hoping for some vampire action soon, with swords and whips
and swords with whips on the tips.
Because he's an overprotective boyfriend, Edward says he won't let Bella out of his sight
as long as the evil vamps—or e-vamps, as I call them—are in town. (Actually, e-vamp
sound like an iPhone application or an annoying way to invite vampires to parties.)
Edward finishes his song on a sad note, and Bella tears up. He wipes away a tear and
licks it off his finger. I had a dog that used to lick tears. He also ate cold cream and
plastic coat hangers. Maybe Edward does that too.
He gives Bella a quick tour of the house, showing off the bedrooms and an antique
wooden cross that hangs in the hallway. The cross was carved by Carlisle's dad in the
1600s, which means Carlisle is at least 300 years old. Back then, Carlisle's dad was a
monster-hunting preacher who tried to round up vampires and witches, but most of the
time he just killed innocent people by mistake.
When Carlisle's pop retired, he let his son take over the vampire killing business. Carlisle
found a clan of vampires hiding out and was about to slay them when one of the vamps
rushed out and started to run away. But while running, the vampire got thirsty, turned
around, and sank his fangs into Carlisle. An angry mob soon chased the baddie away
before he could completely drain Carlisle knowing that his father wouldn't approve of his
son being a vampire, Carlisle hid for a few days amongst rotten potatoes as he
transformed.
After the story, Edward continues the tour.
Predictions: To try and win Bella's affection, Mike takes piano lessons so that he can
compose a song for her. But his song, entitled "Bella is a Pretty Girl, Pretty Girl, Pretty
Girl," sounds suspiciously like "Mary Had a Little Lamb." Meanwhile, Edward writes
Bella a symphony, an opera, an epic poem, and a raunchy limerick.
Chapter Sixteen
Edward brings Bella to
Carlisle's office, where
there are random
pictures hanging on the
wall. Carlisle excuses
himself and heads to the
hospital. Edward tells
the story of Carlisle,
which is not nearly as
interesting as I had
hoped it would be. In
fact, from now on, I'm
setting my expectations
very low. That way, if the entire series of books is nothing more than Bella and Edward
drinking root beer and playing pinball, I won't be disappointed.
After being attacked by a vampire in the 1600s, Carlisle attempted to kill himself instead
of living the rest of his life as a monster. He tried jumping off a ledge and drowning
himself. He even tried to starve himself. Nothing worked. Edward says it's very difficult
to kill a vampire, and starvation won't do it. He doesn't come right out and admit this, but
I'm guessing the only surefire way to kill a vamp is to shove it into a black hole, and then
shove that black hole into Mount Doom.
Carlisle realized that instead of killing innocent humans to regain his strength, he could
drink animal blood. Then the ever-civil Carlisle turned his attention to education and
spent his nights studying in London.
After that, he swam to France, for some reason. Edward says swimming is easy for
vampires because they don't need to breathe air. While the ability to read minds didn't
faze Bella, a vampire's disinterest in oxygen freaks her out. It's like telling someone,
"Hey, I'm on fire," and she doesn't care. But then tell them, "I also have a headache," and
they panic.
After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with
medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the
horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those
kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly
dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.
Edward then points to some figures in a painting and says that Carlisle went to Italy and
found civilized vampires there. While the Italian vampires were nice and refined, they
didn't see eye to eye with Carlisle on the matter of diet, so he left them and came to
America. These Euro vamps are visible in the painting, and I'm willing to bet they'll pop
up later in the series. Why mention them otherwise, unless Stephenie Meyer got paid by
the word. (Although that would explain the chapter about Edward and Bella lounging in
the meadow).
Back in the states, Carlisle tried to find someone he could transform into a vampire and
keep around as a vampire-friend. He finally found a dying human, Edward, and decided
to make him a vampire.
After first becoming a "Pretty Night Thing That Bites," Edward followed Carlisle's orders
and only ate animals. But then Edward started to rebel, which left Carlisle in a flurry of
angst. Edward thought he'd be in the clear if he only killed bad people. I agree with that,
and cannot understand why these vampires don't fight crime. They could wipe out
terrorism overnight by hunting bad guys, but instead they opt to go to high school and
drive fast.
While away from his master, Edward killed a few people to drink their blood. Bella says
that sounds "reasonable." But since Edward is a sensitive guy, he couldn't go on killing,
and he returned to Carlisle.
After the history lesson, Edward shows Bella his room, which is stocked with a high-end
sound system and a bunch of CDs. There's no bed in his room, because vampires don't
sleep...or lie down, apparently. It's easy to see why they have so much money: they save a
fortune on sheets, blankets, and pillows. And if a vampire ever asks you to help him
move, do it. You won't need to move any mattresses or box springs, and the vamps can
do all the heavy lifting. Plus, during lunch, they won't try to steal your fries, and they give
amazing kisses.
While listening to some jazz, Edward says that he feels better after revealing his family's
secrets. He is still worried that Bella will get scared, but yet again, she says she isn't
afraid. Then he acts scary, in a flirty way, and pounces on her. He pins her to the coach,
but they are interrupted by Alice.
Alice says a storm is heading their way, and Emmet wants to play baseball. This could be
interesting. If they're not willing to save the world from child murderers, terrorists, and
Dr. Octopus, at least these vampires are going to have some fun with their powers.
For some reason, the vamps can only play baseball when there is thunder. I'm guessing
the loud booms will muffle the cracks of the bat. But maybe they can only play during a
thunderstorm because there are fewer mosquitoes and bullies at the playground when the
weather's bad.
The uncoordinated Bella nervously asks if she has to play baseball, and Edward says that
she will just watch.
Prediction: It is revealed that Carlisle's rule against killing humans has less to do with
his love for humanity, and more to do with his bitter hatred for animals. It turns out he
was traumatized as a child during a nasty incident involving a petting zoo and a curious
goat who wouldn't take no for an answer.
Chapter Seventeen
Edward drives Bella

home. When they get
there, Jacob and his dad,
Billy, are waiting on the
porch. I know by now
not to get my hopes up
for any werewolf action,
but it would have been
awesome if Jacob had
looked at his dad, and
his dad calmly and
coolly said, "Let's do
this." Then they could have turned into wolves, attacked Edward, strapped on jetpacks,
and blasted off to have amazing adventures.
That doesn't happen. Instead, Edward gets angry and goes away in a huff, while Bella
greets the Blacks and invites them in. Once inside, Billy sends Jacob out to look for
something. His real motive is to talk to Bella in private. Maybe he wants to invite her to
Jacob's surprise birthday party.
After some chitchat, Billy brings up the Cullens and says it's not a good idea for her to be
spending so much time with them. Bella, who up until this point has been somewhat
meek and whiny, now shows her feisty side, telling Billy it's none of his damn business
who she hangs out with, and furthermore, she knows more about the Cullens than Billy
does. I'm still not a Bella fan, but I like her response. Plus, if she gets Billy angry enough,
maybe he will wolf-out and then my dreams of a werewolf jetpack adventure can be
realized.
Billy doesn't turn into a wolf, but instead simply warns Bella to think about her actions.
Then Jacob returns from outside, probably under the mistaken impression that his dad is
planning a kick-ass surprise birthday party. Poor Jacob is going to be plenty disappointed.
The guys leave, and Bella changes out of her nice clothes and into her play clothes so she
can watch the baseball game. Jessica calls and talks about the dance and how Mike kissed
her. Bella doesn't really care because she's too busy thinking about vampires,
werewolves, and baseball. I don't really care because I'm too busy thinking up titles for
my soon-to-be-written novel about jetpacking werewolves. So far, I've got Bark of the
Wind Wolves, Hounds of the Heavens, and Ralph: The Jetpacking Werewolf.
Charlie comes home and Bella finally mentions that she's going on a date with Edward.
At first this ticks him off, because he thinks Bella is dating the muscular, mature Emmet
Cullen. He is relieved to learn that she is instead dating the pansy, dumb-haired Edward
Cullen.
Edward comes over to pick Bella up for their baseball date. Charlie invites him in, and
the two exchange pleasantries. Charlie seems like a decent dad. Bella leaves with his
approval.
For their date, Edward is driving Emmet's off-road Jeep. He tosses Bella into the Jeep and
she figures out how to secure all the safety belts. He says it's easier to drive the Jeep to
the field, but they will still have to do some hiking, which means another piggyback ride
for Bella.
She's nervous, since the last time she rode on Edward's back she nearly had a heart attack.
He says she will be fine as long as she closes her eyes. But she doesn't believe him. To
entice her, he starts to kiss her face and neck. Finally he plants one on her lips and she
acts like a porn star, kissing back passionately. He gets angry and says, "Damn it, Bella.
You'll be the death of me." Despite being annoyed, he puts her on his back and takes off.
This time, she doesn't panic while riding him. Before she knows it, they arrive at the
clearing in the woods where the baseball game will be played. The makeshift field is
huge, much bigger than a typical ball field.
For some reason, Edward starts to laugh at Bella's expression, and this irritates her. The
two have a spat, but all is forgiven. The argument ends with another speech about danger.
Thunder begins to rumble, and the game gets under way. Esme watches the game with
Bella and acts as umpire.
The vampire powers make for an interesting game of baseball. Along with being able to
knock the ball far, they can run very fast. Imagine a regular MLB game, only it's
enjoyable to watch instead of mind-numbingly painful.
While watching the game, Esme thinks that this fun moment is an appropriate time to tell
Bella that she once had a baby, but it died. And the depression she felt led to her suicide
attempt. Note: Never invite Esme to a party. She's kind of a downer.
The vampires play during a thunderstorm to hide the sound of the cracking bats. They
should really think about investing in some Wiffle bats and balls. Better yet, play Uno
instead. If a thunderstorm is necessary for them to play baseball, under what
circumstances can they go bowling? Perhaps they need to bowl during a war, hurricane,
or the first twenty minutes of The View (SNAP! Loud ladies of The View, you just got
owned!)
After playing for a while, Edward stops by to check on Bella. She says that watching him
play baseball is disappointing because it reminds her that he can do everything better than
she can. What she doesn't realize is there are a few things that she can do that Edward
cannot, such as give birth, sleep, die easily, and collect Hello Kitty merchandise without
being looked down upon by your guy friends.
The game continues until Alice gets a special feeling. The bad vampires are nearby and
are coming towards them. They are drawn to the sounds, but hopefully haven't smelled
Bella yet.
Edward goes into overprotective-dad mode and sits by Bella. They don't have enough
time for her to get to safety, so Carlisle recommends that they continue with the game.
Emmet is anxious for a fight because he's awesome. He has become my favorite vampire
of the book. (Assuming the truck is not a vampire.)
Edward advises Bella to take her hair down. I'm not sure why. Maybe evil vampires are
only attracted to sexy librarians, so keeping your hair up means trouble. Or perhaps hair
is the natural enemy of vampires and they can't bite through it.
With Edward at Bella's side, the other vampires continue with the game, cautiously
awaiting the arrival of the mean vampires. Edward scans the tree line. Suddenly, the
Cullens hear faint footsteps, and the chapter ends.
Predictions: The mean vampires arrive, see that Bella's hair is down, and run away
screaming with fear. A few days later, while flying kites with Bella, Esme decides to talk
about a previous abusive relationship in all its grisly detail.
Chapter Eighteen
The bad vampires

finally emerge from the
forest, interrupting the
baseball game. There
are three baddies, two
guys and one gal. Bella
says their eyes are not
gold, ocher, or golden-
ocher, but instead are
burgundy. That means
they must be evil, or in
love, or high. Or maybe
they just got out of a
well-chlorinated
swimming pool.
Bella says the bad vamps approach the Cullens in a catlike manner, which I assume
means that they refuse to come when you call them, then casually walk around, stopping
every few feet to bat at some ribbon before stretching in an oh-so-cute manner. They are
barefoot and wearing ragged clothes, so you know they must be wild and dangerous. One
of the men steps in front of the others to take a leadership role. He has dark skin and
glossy black hair. The woman has wild red hair and shifty eyes. The last member of the
group is smaller and pretty ordinary. If vampires get pretty after being bitten, this guy
was probably ugly as a human, or maybe some sort of monkey.
The leader says they heard a baseball game and wanted to check it out. He introduces
himself as Laurent. The other two are Victoria and James. Carlisle makes similar
introductions, including Bella as part of his family.
Meeting a strange vampire must be nerve wracking, because you can never tell what
super powers they have. Laurent might have mind reading powers, so Carlisle really
shouldn't lie about Bella. Or he may be able to spot girls pretending to be vampires, or the
ability to detect forbidden love. Who knows what a vampire's super-duper power might
be? That's why I never lie when I first meet someone who I suspect is a vampire, nor do I
think about things I want kept secret, such as my ATM pin number or what really
happened in the bathroom at the mall. That way, if they can read my mind, all they will
see is boring stuff like grocery lists, my Netflix queue, and images of Jenna Fischer from
The Office roller-skating while dressed as Wonder Woman. Typical stuff.
Carlisle tells Laurent that the Cullens control this area of Washington, and they have a
home nearby. Laurent and the other bad guys are taken aback by the idea of having a
home, and want to know how a group of vampires can manage to stay in one place for so
long. Carlisle invites them back to the Cullen homestead to further discuss things, and
Laurent accepts. Carl also tells them not to hunt in their territory, and Laurent agrees.
(Off topic: If you slightly alter the word "territory," you can spell "Terror-Tory", and that
would be a fantastic name for a horror movie about real estate.) For an evil vampire,
Laurent seems like a decent dude.
Then a gentle breeze sends Bella's scent toward James, who suddenly perks up and acts
evil. Edward acts evil back. The two stare each other down. Carlisle quickly explains that
Bella is with them, and not on the menu. Laurent is confused by vampires who hang out
with humans.
Of course, no fighting takes place. Laurent reassures Carlisle that they won't hunt in the
Cullens' hood, and James backs down. They head off to the Cullen's home, while
Edward, Emmet, and Alice rush Bella away.
Edward throws Bella in the Jeep and all four of them speed off. Bella wants to know
where they are going, and Edward says they need to get her far away from here. She
freaks out and demands to be taken home. But no one listens to her. Emmet grabs her
arms to secure her. They are kidnapping her for her own safety.
She screams, saying that Charlie will worry and call the FBI if she's not home tonight.
Alice feels sympathy for Bella and asks Edward to pull over, but he doesn't. He explains
that James is a tracker, a vampire who…tracks. Once he got a whiff of Bella, the tracker's
thoughts turned towards hunting her no matter what stood in his way. So they need to
hide her, and fast, before James picks up on her scent. (They should stick Bella inside a
Yankee Candle Shop, because those places reek with the scent of waxy apples, waxy
flowers, and waxy Home for the Holidays.)
Bella is worried about Charlie's safety, fearing that James will follow her scent to her
house and then eat her dad. Alice agrees, and Edward stops the car so they can figure this
out.
Emmet wants to kill James. I'm with Emmet, obviously. Emmet is so cool! I wish he and
Jacob had their own book series where they did amazing things like drive tanks and fight
a Tyrannosaurus Rex. But Edward thinks killing James is too risky. Besides, it goes
against Carlisle's policy of eating only things that can't use tools. After more debate,
Bella finally cooks up a plan.
They will take her home and let her talk to her dad. She'll tell him that she's going back to
Phoenix. This way, her dad won't worry as much. If she mentions this within earshot of
James, hopefully he'll leave her dad alone. Then she'll go into hiding while the Cullens
settle the drama. Everybody wins.
Edward still thinks it's too dangerous, because he is a wuss. There are six good vampires,
not counting Laurent, against one silly tracker. I don't understand why they don't just go
after James. He can't be that tough. It's not like he's a werewolf.
Finally, Ed agrees that the plan might work. There's a few pages of debate on who will go
with who, and who drives where. I didn't pay attention and hope this won't be on the test.
Prediction:
Bella comes home and sees her dad talking with a strange man wearing an obvious fake
moustache. Her dad calls out to her, "Honey, come here. This man is selling turtlenecks
door-to-door and needs to see your throat for a proper fitting." Anxious for a turtleneck,
she rushes to her dad and the salesman, without realizing the salesmen is James! Her final
thoughts are, "This turtleneck is going to be so banging. Edward's going to love this.
Hmm, why is my neck wet…"
Chapter Nineteen
Bella, Alice, Emmett,
and Edward arrive at
Bella's home to begin
the elaborate plot that
will somehow keep her
safe from the clutches
of the evil James.
Before heading inside,
she feels a bit emotional
about leaving Emmett,
even though she hardly
spoke to him. She will
be going into hiding
with Jasper and Alice, and may never see Emmett again. She can't even comprehend
saying adios to Edward.
When the time finally comes for her to say goodbye, she will probably cry so hard tears
will shoot out of her ears and gums. It's going to be worse then a final episode of The
Real World, when everyone says they will stay in touch (but we all know they never
will), while a sad, poignant pop song plays in the background. I'm not looking forward to
that.
Bella tells Edward that she loves him, and he says she has nothing to worry about
because everything will work out in the end. This is a change of pace from Edward's
usual "You will die if you hold my hand" speeches. The plan is for Bella to tell Charlie
that she's going back to Phoenix. She will gather up a few things and then leave quickly.
As she's about to go inside, she tells Edward to ignore whatever she tells her dad.
She then storms into the house and tells a confused Charlie to leave her alone. She tells
him that she broke up with Edward because she can't live in this small town anymore,
wasting her life away like her mother did. That's a low blow, but it's a good way to get
Charlie to shut up and let her go. I just hope she buys him a decent Father's Day gift to
make up for this, like an iPhone, Best Buy gift card, or two iPhones.
Charlie is stunned and isn't sure what to do. Bella says she's leaving for Phoenix tonight,
and will use her key to get inside her mom's house. (Her mom is still away with Phil in
Florida.) Charlie says that she should stay in Forks for a week. By then, her mom might
be back in Phoenix, because it turns out that Phil isn't having much luck in Florida. The
news that her mom may return to Phoenix stuns Bella a bit, but she's still determined to
leave the house.
She packs her stuff with Edward's help (he snuck in through the window), then leaves,
telling her dad, "I really, really hate Forks!" Once in her truck, Edward offers to drive.
The chauvinist doesn't like the idea of a woman driving. He gets behind the wheel and
they head to the Cullen house, where I assume Carlisle and Laurent are laying belly-
down on the living room floor, listening to records and prank-calling werewolves.
Edward tells her that James can outrun them in Bella's slow truck. Alice and Emmett pull
up in the Jeep. Edward says everything will be fine, but she doesn't want to leave him. He
tells her they will be together in a few days. Of course, if they just killed James right
away, they wouldn't have this problem. But that would be too easy, too interesting, and
too much fun to read about.
Bella asks why James is so hungry for her, while the other two bad vamps didn't seem so
determined to kill her. Edward explains that James loves a challenge. To him, killing
Bella is like a game, and the fact that she's being protected makes the game more fun to
play. That's not true. Making a game more difficult does not make it more fun, as anyone
who's tried to play Scrabble with only vowels and Q's can attest.
Perhaps I'm just lazy, but if I was really hungry for a pretzel, and a group of tough guys
were guarding that pretzel, I'd probably just go eat some chips instead. In other words,
James should go kill Jessica, or Mike, or Eric, or that other girl from earlier in the book
that everyone, including me, has forgotten about. (I want to say her name was Abbey or
Peaches, but that just doesn't sound right.)
Bella finally asks how to kill a vampire, and Edward says you need to rip it to shreds and
then burn the remains. Which is also the only way you can kill baby elephants. Don't ask
how I know this, because you won't like the answer.
Edward says that Victoria, the female baddie, will fight on James's side should it come
down to a battle, but he's not sure where Laurent's loyalties lie. They arrive at the Cullen
home and go inside. Laurent is there, and Edward says that James is hunting Bella.
Laurent doesn't seem surprised and he apologizes for James' actions. Apparently James is
a naughty boy.
We then learn that James is the leader of this group, not Laurent. They just made it seem
like Laurent was in charge to trick the Cullens, and me (jerks). Edward roars, and Laurent
says that he's going to stay out of this fight and head to the family of vampires in Denali.
He leaves, and Esme activates steel shutters on all the windows because the Cullens are
all wimps (except my boy, Emmett).
Edward says that once Bella is away, they will hunt down James. Carlisle reluctantly
agrees that there is no other way. Edward tells Bella to swap clothes with Rosalie to
throw James off the scent. Rosalie acts like a spoiled rich kid; she doesn't think she
should have to help Bella to safety. Though it's not mentioned in the book, Rosalie then
demands Carlisle gives her a pony and an Oompa Loompa for her birthday.
Esme steps in and rushes Bella upstairs to change. After a few quick alterations, Bella is
wearing Esme's clothes and is ready to go. Carlisle hands out cell phones to Alice and
Esme. Rosalie and Esme leave in Bella's truck, hoping to lure Victoria away. Meanwhile
Bella, Jasper, and Alice will leave in the Mercedes, heading south. And Carlisle, Emmett,
and Edward will go hunting after James. So instead of sticking together, and
outnumbering the two bad vampires, these geniuses think it's a better idea to split up.
Besides being torn to pieces and burned, vampires' only weakness is their ability to make
horrible yet elaborate plans.
Before the departures, I was expecting a few dozen pages of dialogue about danger and
love, but Edward says goodbye with a quick kiss. He leaves with Carlisle and Emmett.
Moments later, he calls Alice's cell phone and says Victoria is following Esme, so the
coast is clear to move Bella out.
Alice goes to get the Mercedes ready, leaving Bella alone with Jasper. Jasper, feeling her
emotions, says she's wrong to think that she is not worth all this protection. I'm not sure
what type of character Jasper is. He seems nice, but there's something weird about him,
like a cousin who goes missing for a few months, and then shows up and refuses to talk
about what happened.
Alice returns and asks if it's okay if she carries Bella to the car. Bella says sure, and is
glad that someone asked her permission for a change. Why would Alice need to carry
Bella? Did they get married when I wasn't looking?
Predictions: To make the hunt even harder, James decides to put a blindfold on, spin
around a baseball bat until he becomes very dizzy, and then chase after Bella while
balancing an egg on a plastic spoon.
Chapter Twenty
Bella wakes up in a strange

hotel room. She looks
around, trying to get her
bearings, and begins to
piece together what
happened the previous day.
She vaguely remembers
driving in the well-tinted
Mercedes, sitting in the
back seat with Alice as
Jasper drove fast. Am I the
only one picking up some
sexual tension between
Alice and Bella? Alice carried her to the car before leaving, and sat in the backseat with
her on the trip to Phoenix. Hmm.
Bella goes over the events that led her to this road trip: The tracker. Edward getting
angry. Her fake fight with her dad. Saying goodbye to Edward. Leaving with Alice and
Jasper. The way Emmett fought that T-Rex. (OK, that last one was just my recollection of
the events.)
She knows Jasper made the trip to Phoenix in a single day. And they're staying near the
airport in case they need to fly out quickly. Then Bella's memory fades. She gets out of
bed and walks to the hotel window to see that it's dark outside. She is still wearing Esme's
clothes and is about to change when Alice (conveniently) pops in.
They talk for a bit and Alice says she had some food brought up. Before they left Forks,
the fatherly Edward reminded her that Bella needs to eat food more often than vampires
do. That conversation probably went something like this:
EDWARD: Alice, take care of my Bella. Remember, she needs to eat food. And make
sure she brushes her teeth. Keep an eye on her, because sometimes she just brushes her
tongue. She might tell you that she's allowed to eat two bowls of ice cream. Don't fall for
it. She's allowed ONE bowl, and only if she eats her carrots. At bedtime, she'll try to stay
up later by begging you, "Let me just watch this show until the next commercial." But be
strict. And don't forget that she likes her sandwiches cut diagonally, without crusts, and
she needs to breathe air.
Bella goes into the front room, where Jasper is staring at the TV. She picks at the food,
but is too worried to eat. She says Alice and Jasper sit still, like statues. She asks what the
game plan is, and Alice says they need to wait for Carlisle to call. Since he hasn't called
yet, Bella is scared.
Jasper tries to soothe her by saying everything will be all right. But Bella doesn't buy
that. She freaks out and says that if anything happens to the Cullens, it will be all her
fault. And she's right about that.
Jasper says the family won't let anything happen to her. She wonders why this group of
vampires is being so nice to her, and Alice explains that they're happy Edward finally
found someone to love. Bella has changed him for the better. They can't imagine what
would happen if any harm came to her. I imagine Edward would get even moodier and
completely ruin Thanksgiving with his grumpy attitude, so it's no wonder that his family
wants to keep Bella safe.
Alice's words ease Bella's guilty conscience slightly. They remain inside the hotel room,
staring at the TV and doing absolutely nothing. It's situations like this that make me
happy to know I have blackjack and a demo version of Bowling on my cell phone if I
ever get bored.
Bella says that Alice and Jasper are better at dealing with waiting than she is, which
might be due to their long lifespan. For hundreds of years, they've done nothing but sit
around eating bears and going to high school. Hanging out in a hotel room for one day is
a breeze after their life of boredom.
Bella decides to go back to bed because there's nothing else to do. Alice follows her.
(Again, my romance radar is tingling!) Bella can't sleep, so she decides to ask Alice what
the others are doing. Alice says that Carlisle wanted to lead James north and then ambush
him (or let Santa Claus handle it), while Esme was going to lure Victoria west.
If Victoria gave up on the chase, Esme and Rosalie would go back to Forks and watch
over Charlie. Since Carlisle hasn't called yet, Alice thinks things are going as planned,
and they can't call because it would give away their position. So all they can do is wait
and remind the reader what's happening.
Then Bella asks Alice a burning question: How did you become a vampire? In the world
of vamps, this query might be a nice icebreaker at parties. On the other hand, maybe it's
something you should never say out loud to a vamp, just as you would never ask a
human, "How did you get so fat?" or "What's the deal with that thing under your eye?"
But Alice doesn't shy away from the question.
Alice says Edward warned her not to tell Bella. But since Alice is seemingly flirting with
Bella, she doesn't mind telling, although she doesn't quite remember how it happened.
According to Alice, along with all their super powers, vampires are also equipped with
venom that incapacitates a victim once s/he is bitten. She says this venom isn't really
crucial, since if a vampire is close enough to bite, his victim doesn't stand much of a
chance anyway. It's like a shark that tickles you into submission before biting your head
off; unnecessary, but kind of interesting.
The venom doesn't kill you. It just spreads throughout your body, causing severe pain.
Depending on where you were bitten, the venom can slowly transform you into a
vampire...as long as the vampire biting you decides to let you live. This doesn't happen
often because vampires are insatiable and can't stop drinking blood once they start. To
put this in perspective, it's probably a lot like eating a Kit-Kat. I dare you to buy a Kit-
Kat and only eat one bar. If you tell me you can do that, you are an absolute liar and I
don't want you coming to my birthday party, liar.
So Alice thinks this venom transformed her into a vampire, but she doesn't remember the
intense pain and suffering that comes with the transformation. Since that pain is usually a
vampire's first memory, Alice's situation is unique. Maybe she isn't a vampire at all, but
just a weird girl who doesn't age, like Christina Ricci.
The two girls sit in silence for a while, without having a pillow fight, tickle fight, or
playing Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board. This is the worst slumber party ever. Then
Alice breaks the silence, not by suggesting they practice kissing, but by saying she just
got a flash from the future.
In her mind, Alice sees a mirrored room with a gold line running around it. James, the
tracker, has changed his plans. He is no longer following Carlisle, Edward, and Emmett,
and instead will be heading to this mystery room. In Alice's vision there is a TV and a
VCR in this room. (For those who don't know, a VCR was a type of movie player that
used giant, 7-pound cassettes and ran on steam power).
Just then, Carlisle calls Alice, and she tells him that the plans have changed. James has
stopped following the vampires and boarded a plane. The idea that the most powerful,
magical beings on the planet need to use commercial airlines to travel is absurd. It's like
finding out that leprechauns need to pay taxes or ghosts need to take elevators.
Alice then hands the phone to Bella. Edward is on the line. He says that Esme is guarding
Charlie back in Forks, and that Victoria is looking for Bella there, but won't be able to
pick up the scent. They say goodbye, and Bella notices that Alice is sketching the
mirrored room from her vision.
Bella recognizes the sketch as a ballet studio, and except for the TV and VCR, it looks
like the one she went to as a child, right here in Phoenix. But she can't be certain that it's
the same place, since most ballet studios probably look the same. Still, it might be the
same place. (I'll bet $40 bajillion that it is the same place.)
If James is heading to Phoenix, Bella wants to warn her mother, who might have returned
from Florida by now. She uses Alice's cell phone to leave a message for her mom to call
her immediately. She then picks at some fruit and watches Alice and Jasper stare at the
TV. Bella finally falls asleep, and Alice carries her to bed.
Predictions: Bella wakes up when Alice begins to give her a sensual back rub. Alice
breaks the awkward moment by saying, "Want to see if I'm ticklish?"
Chapter Twenty-One
I guess Bella doesn't

have to go to school
anymore, because it's
been about fifteen
months since she last
attended class. She's
still hiding out at a hotel
in Phoenix with Jasper
and Alice. She's also
turning into a bit of a
night owl, sleeping most
of the day and waking
up at two in the
morning.
Bella rolls out of bed and walks to the front room, where Jasper is staring at Alice as she
sketches something. I wonder if Alice sketches all of her premonitions, even the
unimportant ones. Maybe she has a book filled with drawings that predict what shirt
Jasper will wear tomorrow or if Bella will eat the coleslaw that came with her sandwich.
Alice had a new vision of James, the e-vamp, visiting a room that's different from the
ballet studio. As Alice describes this new room, Bella recognizes the drawing. It's her
mom's house! Alice rushes to the phone to tell Carlisle the new information. For some
reason, no one feels the need to call Bella's mom, or perhaps the police. At the very least,
they should send her mom a text that reads, "dont go home. Vamp4res. youwill die. CU
L8R."
Alice tells Bella that Carlisle, Emmett, and Edward will fly down to Phoenix to take
Bella someplace safe. Just when you thought their plan was convoluted enough, now
they're going to take Bella from her original hiding place and put her into a new hiding
place.
Bella is worried about her mother's safety. Alice and Jasper promise to protect the former
Mrs. Swan, and Bella freaks out, saying that it's impossible to protect everyone. Even if
they manage to keep her mom safe, James will just go after someone or something else
that Bella cares about, like her friend Jessica, or Edward's cool, smelly jacket.
Alice says, "We'll catch him, Bella." And yet, they could have caught and killed James a
few days ago in the baseball field. Or later that day outside Bella's dad's house. If, in the
end, they just want to kill James, their whole plan makes no sense at all. I'm glad the
Cullens aren't firefighters, because they would probably let a raging forest fire burn for a
few weeks before deciding to put it out. I can't tell if this family is stupid, lazy, or both.
Jasper uses his emo-powers to make Bella feel tired. And she gets angry. She storms into
the other room and cries for a few hours. She's excited that Edward is coming to save her,
but still worried about her mom and dad. Plus, during the past 300 pages, no one has
asked her out, and she's probably upset about that.
Bella hears the phone ring and heads back out into the front room. (Probably hoping it's
the persistent Mike looking for a date.)
Actually, Carlisle called and told Alice that the Cullens are boarding a plane and will
arrive in Phoenix at 9:45. In the morning? How can they fly on an airplane during the day
without glittering? Even if it's cloudy in arid Phoenix, AZ, airplanes fly above the clouds,
meaning that the vamps will be in direct sunlight, unless they cover themselves with
blankets, hats, masks, and parasols. Or maybe they board the plane in suits of armor to
avoid arousing suspicion. Or they are taken onboard in oversized dog carriers. Or
Stephenie Meyer doesn't want us asking too many questions.
Alice tells Bella that Jasper went to check out of the hotel, because after Edward takes
Bella to hiding spot number two, Alice and Jasper will go to a hotel closer to Bella's
mom's house. The phone rings again, and Alice hands the phone to Bella. Bella's mom is
on the other end, frantically saying, "Bella? Bella?" Then another voice breaks in. It's e-
vamp James! He warns Bella not to say anything stupid. He doesn't want Alice to know
who Bella is really talking to, so he makes Bella pretend that her mom is still on the
phone.
As Bella complies, James says he doesn't want to hurt her mom, but will do so if Bella
doesn't follow his instructions. He wants Bella to ditch her vampire friends and go to her
mom's house alone. Bella says that's impossible, because the Cullens won't let her out of
their sight. But then she remembers that they will be going to the airport. Perhaps she can
run away from them there, and pick up a giant Toblerone candy bar as her last meal while
she's at it.
She agrees. James tells her to look for a phone number he will leave at her mom's house,
and call that number before noon. He doesn't want any trouble from the Cullens, and says
he will hurt Bella's mom if Bella tries to do anything stupid. Suddenly, Twilight has
become a bad episode of 24. (Just kidding. All episodes of 24 are bad.)
The phone call has upset Bella, and she's worried that Alice will suspect something, or
that Jasper will be able to feel her panicked emotions. She tells herself that if giving up
her life to James will end this madness and keep her parents and the Cullens safe, then it
will be worth it. Bella thinks this is her only option. I have another option: she could
dress up Eric in drag, rub her stinky blood all over him, and send him into the spooky
ballet studio. Then, when James attacks Eric, Bella can drop a net on him and haul him to
the vampire cops (or Vops, for short).
She tries to ignore the terror she's feeling and walks back out into the room where Alice
is waiting. So far, Alice doesn't suspect that Bella plans on running away. Bella tells
Alice that she wants to leave a note for her mom, and asks that Alice deliver it later. Bella
sits down, but instead of writing to her mom, she writes a secret love letter to Eddie.
In the note, she apologizes for going to James and says she hopes Edward won't come
after her. I imagine Edward will read the note and say to himself, "Well, Bella doesn't
want me to save her. So I better just let her die. Anypoop, I wonder if tonight's Groomer
Has It is a rerun..."
Prediction: On the plane to Phoenix, Carlisle must deal with an angry Emmett who
whines, "Edward's hogging the Nintendo DS! It's not fair! He had, like, three turns, and
he played my guy!" Carlisle attempts to calm him by saying, "Emmett, when your
forbidden love is in danger, you'll get to play extra on the DS. Here, why don't we play
travel Battleship? I'll even let you place your ships diagonally." Emmett dons his sailor
hat and happily whips out the game.
Chapter Twenty-Two
For about 400 pages,

this novel was a bit
boring. Then, faster than
you could say "plot," a
cross-country chase
began, and mothers
were held hostage. It's
tough to keep
everything straight.
Here's what I think is
going on:
Bella is still waiting in

the hotel room with
Alice. Soon, the girls and Jasper will head out to the airport, where Edward, Emmett, and
Carlisle will arrive to escort Bella to a new hiding spot. She plans to run away from the
Cullens at the airport, go meet James, and give her life to protect everyone else. Victoria
is...doing something evil, presumably. (Maybe she's killing children or recommending
Bride Wars to people at the video store.)
I know I stressed this point before, but you have six vampires—including one who is so
in love with Bella that he would rip out his own uvula to protect her—up against one
cheesy, over-dramatic baddie. Why don't the vamps just go after James instead of all the
sneaking around? It doesn't make sense. I understand that Bella's mom is in danger, but
surely a battle plan could be worked out that would save everyone and destroy the evil
James. Are the Cullens really this weak?
While waiting in the hotel room, Alice suddenly acts mysterious. She's getting another
vision from the future, this one involving Bella in the mystery room. Jasper returns and
Alice snaps out of it. She offers Bella some breakfast, but Bella says she'd rather eat at
the airport. She senses that Alice wants her to leave the room. Alice needs to tell Jasper
some bad news, and doesn't want Bella around to hear it. When Bella leaves, I assume
Alice whispers to Jasper, "Bella's going to die and the parents from Jon and Kate Plus
Eight will file for divorce in the summer of 2009. So sad. Don't tell Bella. She loves that
show."
By seven in the morning, they are heading out to the airport, in the daylight. On the ride
there, Bella asks how Alice's superpower works. Alice says she can only see the future
once someone has made a decision. So she can't tell if you will win the lottery unless you
decide to win the lottery. (Which I have.) The future that Alice sees is not definite,
because new decisions can be made before the outcome is reached. This explains why
Alice didn't see Bella in the spooky VCR room with James until Bella decided to go to
him.
They arrive at the airport and park in the garage. Alice and Jasper look at the departure
board to find a good flight for Bella to leave on.
Maybe people in Arizona sparkle all the time. How else could a group of shimmering
vampires arrive at the airport without getting odd looks? If you've ever been to an airport,
you know that most of the walls consist of huge windows overlooking the runway, so it
would be tough to avoid the sun. But I've never been to the airport in Phoenix; perhaps
it's underground, underwater, or hidden under drop cloths.
Alice and Jasper keep a close eye on Bella, and Bella gives Alice the note she wrote a
few hours ago. After waiting for Edward's plane, Bella realizes she only has 30 minutes
to escape before he arrives and hauls her off to the hiding place. If she's ever going to
save her mom, she needs to leave Alice and Jasper quickly.
She says she wants to get breakfast, and Alice jumps at the chance to accompany her. But
Bella rejects this idea, saying it would be better if Jasper came instead because he can
calm her down. Jasper escorts her past a few food stands. The sneaky Bella then says she
needs to use the women's room. She's familiar enough with this airport to know that the
bathroom has two entrances, and she runs through the restroom to get out the other side
before Jasper realizes he's been tricked.
She darts through the airport and finally makes her way outside, where she hops into a
hotel shuttle. At the hotel, she jumps into a cab, gives the cabbie $80, and tells him to
drive to her mom's house.
On the way, she fantasizes about what life would be like if she went away with Edward
forever. She dreams about spending the rest of her days with him in some faraway place
where no one would find them. Of course, if she did end up with Edward, she would
eventually realize that living together won't always be magical. Like every couple, the
two would get on each other's nerves and start arguing:
BELLA: But I did the dishes last night!

EDWARD: I don't see why I need to do the dishes. I don't even use dishes!
BELLA: Oh, believe me, I know all about your diet. Waking up to bear breath in the
morning lost its charm years ago.
EDWARD: You used to love my breath. I can't take this. I'm going out for a while.
BELLA: Fine. Go make out with your sister.
EDWARD: Stop it. We're just friends. Rosalie means nothing to me.
BELLA: Then why does she always comment on your Facebook page?
EDWARD: I can't control that. She does what she wants. You want me to not be friends
with my sister?
BELLA: I should have married Eric.
EDWARD: I can't talk to you when you're like this. Emmett's waiting for me. We're
going to get a pig drunk and then drink its blood to get a buzz. We done here?
BELLA: You tell me, Eddie. You tell me.
The cab driver pulls up to Bella's house, and she rushes inside to find the phone number
left by James. She dials it, and James answers. She asks if her mother is OK, and James
assures her that Renee will be just fine as long as Bella follows his instructions. He tells
her to go to the ballet studio, and she runs out the door.
I'm not a villain, so it's unfair of me to criticize James. But why didn't he just ambush her
at the house? What's so important about this ballet studio? When Bella gets there, I
assume she'll find a note that says, "Go to the Eiffel Tower two moons from now. Unlock
the puzzle box to find the next clue. Hint: The red crow dines on alabaster. Be seeing
you..."
Bella thinks about her mom while sprinting to the ballet studio, and wishes she were back
home in Forks. She enters the abandoned studio. She can hear her mom's voice and runs
towards it only to realize that she's actually hearing a recording of her mom talking.
It turns out that James enjoys tricking people. Bella's mom was safe this whole time in
Florida, and James just used a clip from an old home movie to lure Bella. She is relieved
to know that her mom is fine, but still plans on sacrificing herself to save everyone else.
With her mind made up, she no longer feels anxious and scared, but confident. James
asks if Edward will avenge her death, and she says she told him to stay away. Apparently
she thinks she's the boss of Edward. (All the more reason why living together will end
badly.)
James says killing Bella is too easy. He was expecting Edward to show up and try to save
her. This guy really enjoys a challenge. He goes on and on for a few paragraphs about
how evil and tricky he and Victoria are. He explains how he tracked Bella to Phoenix
with Vickie's help. He's like a James Bond villain, filling in all the information we need
in order to understand how he got there. But to be honest, I don't really care how he got
there, and just assumed he used his vampire powers or an iPhone app to track her down.
He then tells Bella that his goal wasn't to simply kill her, but to kill Edward, too. He
wants a vampire fight (as do we all) and thought that Edward was sure to try and rescue
Bella. He plans on torturing Bella to death to send Edward a message. James wants to
make the suffering lasts as long as possible and plans to videotape the whole thing for
Edward.
It seems that James hates vampires who hang out with humans. A long time ago, he was
about to kill a young woman, but another vampire stopped him, and transformed that
woman into a vampire before James could drink her blood. Before becoming a vampire,
this woman was living in an asylum because she had visions and everyone thought she
was nuts. That woman (are you sitting down?) was Alice. (You can stand up again.) So
this attack on Bella is more personal than expected.
James says once he's done with Bella, he will call Edward and tell him where to find her
body. Bella is frozen with terror. She was willing to die, but torture is a different matter.
James looks at her with a creepy, big smile as he thinks about all the ways to torment her.
If he's smart, he will know how to really make Bella suffer: Force her to play volleyball
while dancing.
Bella finally gathers up enough courage to make a run for it, but James is much too fast.
He trips her and her head smashes into one of the many mirrors. Now I understand why
James picked the ballet studio for his confrontation: It's more dramatic and atmospheric.
Other choices he probably considered for the main event:
 Abandoned doll factory

 Abandoned amusement park
 Abandoned mannequin repair facility
 Post-apocalyptic White House
 Shoe store that doesn't get much business so everyone there seems sad
 Warehouse that stores old recordings of children laughing.
The injured Bella tries to crawl to the door. James breaks her leg and knocks her into
more mirrors. She notices her wounds are bleeding, and he senses the blood. He gets his
hungry eyes, and Bella is glad, because this means his appetite won't allow him to draw
out the torture.
She in bad shape. This must be the scene mentioned in the prologue. The hunter
approaches poor Bella, and her last line of defense is to hold up her hands to protect her
face. She closes her eyes, and the chapter ends.
Predictions: Bella opens her eyes, and James tells her that Carlisle is actually his father.
Quite the coincidence, huh? Also, Esme was his step-mom, and Emmett and James went
to the same elementary school, but they never really hung out. Also Jasper sold James his
first pair of rollerblades and Rosalie and James are the same person. See, everyone's
connected. It's just like LOST.
Chapter Twenty-
Three
For a change of pace,

let's talk about what
doesn't happen in this
brief chapter:
There are no fights.
There are no swords, or
nun chucks, or
helicopters armed with
mini-guns. Edward
doesn't fling throwing
stars. No one does an
elbow drop off a
chandelier. Emmett
doesn't burst into the studio armed with a flame thrower (though you know he wanted to).
No one is picked up by the throat and flung into a ceiling fan. Esme doesn't run off of
Emmett's back, launching into a flying kick that connects directly with James's face.
There is no chase scene in the maze-like basement/boiler room of the ballet studio. Alice
doesn't throw a James through a plate glass window. Carlisle and James do not fight on
top of a moving train. And no one screams, "Let me introduce you to the Cullen
Clobber!" while wearing black face paint and wielding a sledgehammer.
Instead, Bella wakes up from the attack surrounded by the Cullens. All of the action
happened while she was passed out. She has some vamp venom in her system and
Edward must suck it out. To some, this may seem thrilling and tense. But I couldn't care
less.
I'm angry. How the vampire battle went down is not discussed. I understand that the story
is told from Bella's point of view, but Meyers' refusal to show us the fight is a slap in the
face. Maybe I picked up the PG-rated version of Twilight, and the real fight is included in
the R-rated copy...which also includes the unnecessary, but artistically done chapter
entitled, "Showers and Hula-Hoops."
Prediction: The next chapter begins a year later with Edward saying, "Wow. What a year
we had. I fought those zombies. Emmett became president. Esme time-traveled to WWII
and fought the Germans. Carlisle cloned a Pterodactyl, and then battled it. And Alice
became a robot. But enough about that, let's talk about forbidden love for fifty-five
pages."
Chapter Twenty-Four
Bella wakes up in a
hospital room with her
hands connected to
tubes. Edward is in the
room with her. She
quickly apologizes for
everything. He tells her
to chill out, and she asks
what happened. He says
he arrived at the ballet
studio in time to save
her from the vicious
James. Since we didn't
get to see the fight,
Edward could be lying just to get attention, like that kid at the park who said he could
whirl all the way around the swing set, but only when no one was looking. Sure, when I
closed my eyes I heard the swing move, but part of me thinks that kid was just pulling my
leg. So maybe Edward didn't save Bella at all, and the evil James just died of a heart
attack or vampire polio.
Bella is still frazzled and is worried about her mom. Edward says her mom is safe and is
there at the hospital. He lied to Bella's parents, telling them her injuries were the result of
a nasty fall down some stairs. She's in bad shape, and had lost a lot of blood. She needed
transfusions, which Edward says made her smell wrong to him. But now she's back to
smelling Bella-mazing.
With the huge popularity of Twilight, I'm surprised that a perfume company hasn't
released a Bella-scented fragrance to help girls attract moody creeps. The perfume could
be called "Bella in a Bottle," "Stinky Swan," or "Rainbow Kitten Pudding Puppy." (The
last name practically sells itself.)
Bella asks what happened to James, and Edward simply says Emmett and Jasper took
care of him. You already know how I feel about being denied a cool vampire battle, so I
won't get into it again. But, Stephenie Meyer, if I ever see you, you owe me a vampire
battle. And it better be awesome. None of this "the true battle was within himself" crap.
According to Edward, after "taking care of" James in the ballet studio, Emmett and Jasper
left Bella alone with Edward, Carlisle, and Alice because she was bleeding too much and
Emmett and Jasper wouldn't be able to control themselves. Or they left because Bella,
who can be annoying when healthy, is probably unbearable when she actually has
something to cry about.
Bella then asks if Alice found out that James was (kind of) the reason she became a
vampire, and Edward says that Alice understands. Huh? I'm convinced Alice's convoluted
back story was thrown in at the last minute. It seems very tacked-on and random, as if the
author promised a dying relative that in her first novel she would tangentially connect
two background characters in a confusing way. If that's the case, job well done, Ms.
Meyer.
Edward explains the lie he's been feeding her parents. The story goes that he came down
to Phoenix to convince Bella to come back to Forks. Everyone believes that, but in the
real world, Bella would be questioned by police and social workers, because "falling
down the stairs" in the vicinity of a boyfriend you just broke up with is mighty
suspicious.
Edward goes in for a kiss and Bella's heart rate monitor beeps frantically. And then the
monitor stops beeping, as if Bella's heart had ceased pumping. This is very romantic and
passionate, but unhealthy as well. To be safe, they should stick to Eskimo kisses, which
instead of stopping her heart would probably just give Bella an upset tummy, heartburn,
and an itchy nose.
Then Edward senses that Bella's mom, Renee, is coming to the room, and he pretends to
nap in the nearby chair. Bella and her mom talk. It turns out that Phil got a job in Florida,
and Bella's mom is anxious for Bella to move to Jacksonville. But there's no way that
Bella will leave Forks. Why would she leave behind dreamy Edward and the
impressively lax attendance policy at Forks High School?
Bella's mom thinks Edward is in love with Bella, and Bella says she's crazy about him.
Then Renee leaves, but not before saying that the ballet studio had burned down. Edward
perks back up and asks why Bella doesn't want to go to Florida. She says he can't go to
Florida, because he would be stuck inside all day. (By the way, how is he chilling in the
Phoenix hospital without sparkling up a storm? Eh, I don't even care anymore.)
Edward says he would stay in Forks, or someplace else far away from Bella, because
being with her is too dangerous. There's some busy work with the nurse and pain
medicine, and by the time the nurse is gone, Edward changes his mind and says he will
never leave Bella. A lot of this conversation is hard to follow. This may have less to do
with Meyer's inability to write straightforward dialogue, and more to do with the fact that
I'm really close to finishing this book and am somewhat racing towards the end.
Bella asks why she can't become a vampire too, since it worked out for Alice. Edward
gets angry, not at Bella, but at Alice for telling Bella about the powers of vamp venom.
Bella doesn't want to always be the damsel in distress, and I can understand that. She
wants to be just as powerful as Eddie. Of course, this is a slippery slope, because if she
becomes a vamp, then Jessica will want to be transformed as well. And then Mike will
want in on the vampire fun and the trend will spread faster than Ugg boots.
But Edward says he won't turn her into a vampire. He's worried she wouldn't be able to
handle the pain. When she argues that she's a tough cookie, he asks what she would do
about her parents. She doesn't care what her parents think.
Part of me thinks Edward isn't eager to transform Bella because if she was a vampire,
who would he stare at during the night? Jessica? Eric? That girl whose name I thought
was Peaches? Plus, he likes to be tough and strong, but if Bella were a vampire too, he
would seem average. He would spend most of the time desperately trying to find new
ways to one-up her, saying things such as, "So what if you can lift a car over your head.
Can you play piano? I can! I can also give you a firsthand account of The Great
Depression. Let's see you do that, Vampire-Bella! And I liked Radiohead way before
everyone else did. So there!"
Edward still refuses to transform Bella, and she wonders what will happen when she gets
old. Will he still love her? He says getting old is a part of life. It's natural to get old.
Being a vampire is not natural. Because Edward is refusing to turn her into a vampire, she
threatens to ask her new BFF Alice to do the honors.
This angers Edward. It seems that Alice has already seen a future in which Bella is a
vampire. But Edward says that Alice can be wrong. They bicker a while longer. He says
she needs to take some pain medicine, but she doesn't want any. He reassures her that he
won't leave, and that she has nothing to fear.
This is frustrating because a few pages ago he told her that she had lots to fear because
being with him puts her in danger. Now, under the same circumstances, she has nothing
to fear. It's like telling someone, "Don't lick an electrical outlet because it's dangerous,"
and then moments later you say, "If you lick electrical outlets, you will have nothing to
fear." So confusing.
The nurse comes in and gives Bella some medicine. She gets drowsy, and asks Edward to
stay. He says he will, which is obvious, because where else would he go? Before passing
out from the meds, Bella says she's sure that Alice was right, and one day she will
become a vampire.
This ends the book, but there's an Epilogue. And then…acknowledgments, which is
where I hope all the action and scares are hiding.
Predictions:
Edward finally agrees to turn Bella into a vampire, but Bella must understand that this
counts as both her birthday and Christmas presents. Bella squeals with delight, but come
Christmas morning, she's a little disappointed that she didn't get that heart-shaped
necklace she was hinting about.
Epilogue
But wait! There's more!

The story keeps going
for a chapter-length
epilogue. However, all
that really happens is
that Bella goes to the
prom.
All right, there's more to

it than that. Bella gets
all dressed up for a
special occasion, but
she doesn't know what
that occasion is. Alice
makes Bella pretty all day at the Cullen house, and then a tuxedo-clad Edward escorts her
to the mystery event. The fact that Bella can't figure out that they're going to prom further
proves my brain tumor theory. Poor girl.
One of the reasons Bella doesn't suspect she's going to the prom is that deep down, she
was hoping the fancy clothes were part of a vampire ritual that would transform her from
a human into a Pretty Night Thing That Bites. So when she finds out that Edward is
taking her to a lousy prom, she's disappointed, to say the least. It's like hoping to go to
Space Camp, but ending up at Dirt Camp instead.
On the way, Edward receives a phone call from Charlie. It turns out that Tyler has shown
up at Bella's house to take her to prom. Charlie puts Tyler on the phone and Edward
kindly tells him that Bella is busy tonight and will be busy forever, so Tyler should back
off. Presumably, Tyler breaks down crying and Charlie gives him the "There are plenty
of other fish in the sea" speech. Then the two bond over a game of Clue. It's the greatest
night of Tyler's life.
Bella is really mad at the thought of going to the prom. Her usually clumsiness has been
magnified by the cast on her leg, so dancing is out of the question. But the ever-cool
Edward says it will be fine and reminds her that Alice, Jasper, Emmett, and Rosalie are
all going to the prom as well.
It hasn't been mentioned in the book (or it was discussed and I don't remember it?), but
why do the vampires go to high school? I understand that they want to blend in with
society, but at school, they just hang out with each other and stare at the humans. They're
not really fitting in at all. Maybe along with blood, vampires need regular doses of Social
Studies and morning announcements to survive. Or perhaps they love the smell of those
old paperback books on the metal shelf in the English room, the ones that have those
hard, Perma-Bound covers that feel like plastic mixed with glue.
Bella is glad that the other vamps will be there, although things are still icy between her
and Rosalie. They arrive at the school gym, and Edward gets their tickets. They walk in
and see that Emmett and Rosalie are dancing elegantly, as are Jasper and Alice; everyone
has formed a circle around the four vampires. Again, they're hardly inconspicuous. A
better way to fit in at prom would be to let the women fast dance together, while the guys
hang out along the wall telling each other that their date is just a friend. (Even though
they all hope it's more than that.)
The vampires look even more amazing dressed up in fancy clothes, and since they've had
decades to practice, their dance moves are top notch. Edward wants to dance, but Bella
freaks out because she's clumsy and has only one good leg. He lifts her up and takes the
lead. Bella loves this. But then Jacob "Dog Dude" Black shows up.
Edward stares him down, reads his mind, and tells Bella that Jacob came to talk to her.
Bella tells Edward to be nice as Jacob approaches. Jake asks to cut in, and Edward lets
him. Bella says that Jacob had a growth spurt since the last time she saw him, and now
he's over six feet tall. (But this may be a joke that I didn't understand. I'm really confused
on the timeline of this story.)
Jacob can't (or doesn't) hoist Bella up, so their dancing consists of rocking back and forth.
He then comes clean, and says that his dad paid him $20 to come to the prom to talk to
Bella. His dad thinks this is the only safe environment for a conversation, because his dad
has never heard of a telephone.
Jacob is reluctant to broach the topic, but finally tells Bella that his dad thinks Edward
was responsible for her accident in Phoenix. Though she promised not to get angry at
anything Jacob said, she's a little ticked off by the accusation.
He acts nervous and says there's more to the message. After some prying, he finally says
that his dad wanted him to tell Bella, "We'll be watching." Are all monsters lecherous old
men? Despite the fact that I'm not a teenage girl, after reading that, I got grossed out and
quickly put on a robe and snow pants, and I recommend you do the same. You never
know who's trying to sneak a peek.
With Edward constantly stalking, and now an entire werewolf clan peeping, how's a girl
ever suppose to let loose in her bedroom and dance to pop songs in her undies? (Girls do
that, right?)
Bella isn't mad at Jacob, and the two have a slightly flirty moment when they lock eyes.
He asks for another dance, but Edward swoops in, and Jacob leaves. Edward and Bella
dance around the gym and head for the back door. She notices her other classmates, but
doesn't mention Eric, who I'm worried about. Maybe Eric is at Charlie's house playing
Clue with Tyler.
Edward and Bella leave the gym and head for a bench outside. Edward says it's twilight,
and that everything has an ending. He says he took Bella to the prom because he wants
her to enjoy normal, human things. She then confesses that she thought they were going
to a vampire ritual tonight, instead of a boring school function.
Edward is confused by this, and says that transforming a human into a vamp is not a
dressy event. (It's probably more of a pool party situation.) Bella says she's ready to
become a vampire. His face approaches her neck, and he asks if she's really ready. She
says she is, and at the last moment, Edward pulls away, teasing her.
He says he can't do it. But Bella insists that becoming a vampire is what she wants. She
says she loves him more than anything in the world, and Edward kisses her neck. The
End.
Final Thoughts: The book isn't bad, and it isn't good. Despite what you may think, I
didn't hate the story. It just seems very derivative of every other romance/vampire tale out
there. I'm shocked that of all the books in the world, this series has connected with people
and become a phenomenon. After hearing the hype about Harry Potter, I read the series a
few years ago and thought it was really good, especially in the later books, when the
stories stopped being Scooby-Doo mysteries.
But Twilight failed to impress. Part of the reason is the total lack of humor or fun. The
author gave these characters remarkable abilities and then made them complain about it
for 400 pages (the baseball scene being the one exception). I enjoyed the little bits of
vampire and werewolf lore, but thought there should have been more. I liked Emmett and
Alice, and Jacob showed real promise as a likeable character. But I never cared about
Bella or Edward.
Also, there is nothing scary in this book. I wasn't expecting a bloodfest, but if the story is
about vampires, there should be at least a few frights. James was moderately spooky, but
I never really believed his motivations. Plus he didn't really pose much of a threat. I've
seen episodes of The Price is Right that were more tense than Twilight's most harrowing
chapters. (Tell me you never watched a game of Plinko on the edge of your seat, and
don't even get me started on that nerve-racking mountain climber.)
The good news is that with all the character introductions handled in the first book, the
next books have the potential to be more interesting. The bad news is that from what I've
heard and read in the comments, this is considered the best book in the series.
Predictions for New Moon:
The moon is blown up after an epic battle between the vampires and the werewolves.
Suddenly, when faced with erratic ocean tides, the two enemies join forces to build a new
moon out of friendship and sticky rocks. (Hence the title.) Meanwhile:
Bella finally becomes a vampire, but then whines to Jacob that she really wants to be
werewolf. Jacob turns her into a werewolf, but then she realizes she wants to be a
mummy instead. And after becoming a mummy, she decides she'd rather be a ghost.
Then, after becoming a ghost, she demands to be transformed into a goblin. Then she
becomes a gnome, a giant spider, a robot, an alien, a living skeleton, a sea hag, and
finally some sort of gorilla/tiger thing with wings.
Edward will become infatuated with a new girl who comes to Forks. She is twice as
clumsy as Bella (she's blind and wears roller skates) and smells just like Bella but with a
hint of lemon. Bella doesn't even stand a chance.
Esme will suddenly realize, around page 300, that e-vamp Victoria is still out there.
Carlisle will create a plan to catch Victoria that involves going into hiding for eighty
years.
Jasper will hang out in the background.
Alice will predict the future, but will it be too late? (No, it won't.)
Rosalie will not say a single word in the entire novel.
Charlie will be boring.
Renee will open up a Twitter account and talk frankly about her relationship with Phil,
much to the embarrassment of Bella.
Jacob will grow to be 12 feet tall.
Emmett will keep it real, because that's how he rolls.
And none of my burning questions will ever be answered.

BLOGGING NEW MOON
Blogging New Moon: Part 1
Few things before we
begin: One book down,
three to go. For those
just tuning in, I'm
reading the Twilight
series for the first time,
and taking a moment
after each chapter to jot
down some thoughts,
questions, and concerns.
Then I create a lifelike
drawing for each post.
As always, I will get

things wrong, so please
feel free to correct me.
That said, let's get moving. These blogs won't read themselves…or will they?! (No. They
won't.)
Preface
Like the first book, New Moon opens with a short preface that places Bella in a very
tense, yet mysterious situation. This time, however, she's not in danger, but is racing
across a crowded area during the day for some reason. She tells us that Alice cannot be
any help because Alice can't run around in the sun, so it's up to Bella to save the day. The
preface ends with a clock striking noon. I really hope Emmett is OK.
Chapter One: Party

Better title: My Kingdom for a Band-Aid
The story begins in a dream, and dream sequences, as you know, are awful, overused plot
devices. Still, this one is pretty short. In the dream, Bella sees her grandma Marie, and
she realizes this is a dream because Grandma Marie has been dead for years. The two
share a look and mimic each other's shocked expressions. Before Bella can ask what the
heck Granny is doing here, Dream Edward calls out to her. (Dream Edward is like real
Edward, only so dreamy that if you gazed upon him, your brain would melt out of your
nose and you would experience omni-presence…presumably).
Bella is happy to see Dream Edward, but worried about explaining her vampire love to
Grandma Marie. Bella doesn't want Edward to come any closer. But then, the twist
occurs. Grandma Marie isn't there at all. In fact, Bella was looking at herself in a mirror
the whole time. Bella is Grandma Marie! She's old and Edward is still young, with crazy
hair. Old Bella hugs him and he wishes her a happy birthday, thus ending the nightmare.
She wakes up and realizes it's her birthday. This upsets her, and for most of the chapter
she complains about her special day. Being a little upset that you're a year older is
understandable, but Bella takes whining to a whole new level. As much as I disliked her
before, I like her even less as this chapter continues. The only way she can redeem herself
is if she stops acting like the world's about to end and sends me $20.
It upsets Bella to think about getting older while her man-buddy Edward remains the
same age. Since he refuses to transform her into a vampire, she only has a few options:
 Grow old and die.

 End her life now and try really hard to come back as ghost (perhaps by holding on
to a heavy piece of furniture or a fat guy moments before dying).
 Dress up as a bear and hope an unsuspecting Edward will bite her, thus
transforming her into a vampire.
 Tickle Edward into submission.
 Stop the aging process by using a good moisturizer.
 Catch Spanish Influenza and make sad eyes at Carlisle.
 Use Edward's toothbrush. (Depending on how contagious vampire venom is, this
will either transform her into a vamp, or just give her nasty, super-powered cold
sores that can read minds.)
 Shove her wrist into Edward's mouth when he yawns or sings opera, and then
punch his chin upward with her free hand.
Bella drives to school in her old beat up truck that is not a vampire. She's happy to see
Edward standing by his silver Volvo in the parking lot, looking like a god crossed with
another, more attractive god.
Alice, Edward's spunky sister, is there too, and she's holding a present for Bella. This sets
Bella off on another "I hate my life. My birthday is horrible. I wish I could die" rant. She
doesn't want anyone to fuss over her birthday, which makes me think she's already 87
years old, because that's exactly the kind of thing my grandmother would say. If Bella
starts eating dried apricots for dessert and talking about her dead friend Helen in the
present tense, I wouldn't be surprised.
Alice wishes Bella a happy B-day and asks if she wants her presents now or later. Bella,
the party pooper, decrees that presents shall be banned on her birthday. But that didn't
stop her parents from getting her gifts; her dad, Charlie, got her a camera, while her mom,
Renee, bought her a scrapbook so that she can record her senior year. Alice, who can
somehow predict the future, already knows about these gifts, and asks if Bella likes them.
I'm still confused about Alice's powers of precognition. I mentioned this before, but have
yet to find a satisfying answer. Can Alice only predict things that pertain to the story, or
does she spend her entire life flooded with visions, predicting everything from what song
will come up on some woman's iPod in Albuquerque, to who will win an arm-wrestling
match in Detroit?
Alice thinks the scrapbooking idea is great because you only get one senior year,
prompting Bella to sarcastically ask, "How many times have you been a senior?" Ooh.
Burn.
Edward finally speaks up and says he will not wish Bella a happy birthday because that is
what she demanded of him. He's such a pushover. He says she should enjoy her birthday
like a normal person. But she doesn’t like being one year older than him (though
technically, he's 109, pushing 110). Each birthday is just another reminder that she and he
will eventually lose each other.
Argh! Can't she just be happy that she gets to spend the next 70-plus year chilling with
the most amazing, gorgeous, super-powered dude on the planet (next to Emmett, of
course)? Be happy with what you have! Most girls end up with average guys who go bald
and whose only superpower is the ability to pass gas without embarrassment. (Or if
they're lucky, they marry amazing SparkNotes contributors who are as charming as they
are provocative.)
And I bet that if she becomes a vampire, she'll start whining about having too many
powers and wishing she could just be normal because she'll start to miss the taste of
peanut butter.
Bella then learns that she's going to the Cullen's house that night for a birthday
celebration, much to her displeasure. She tries to make excuses, saying she needs to
watch Romeo and Juliet for school. But the excuse doesn't work, and Edward tells Alice
that he will bring Bella back to the Cullen house around seven.
We learn that Bella has been working a few days a week at a local sporting goods store,
and is using the money to save up for college. Right now, however, she is referring to
college as her Plan B. Her Plan A involves being turned into a vampire and living with
Edward. Um…are vampires not allowed in college? These two plans are not mutually
exclusive. She could become a vamp AND earn a bachelors degree. What's she going to
do if she turns into a vampire, just hang out eating squirrels and watching Room Raiders
on MTV all day? Maybe Carlisle (who has several medical degrees, if I'm not mistaken)
forbids higher education in his family because he likes to dominate when they watch
Jeopardy.
Edward doesn't need to worry about money, because vampires live forever and can
establish quite a fortune. Bella mentions that Alice's ability to predict changes in the
stock market must help out, and once again, I'm confused by Alice's powers. I thought
she could only predict events once a decision has been made. So does she sense when a
particular stock "decides" to go up in value? Or is her mind barraged constantly with
financial data? I'm starting to suspect that Alice cannot predict a thing and has been lying
this whole time just to seem cool. She's like a guy who brags that he once had coffee with
Samuel L. Jackson. It's too hard to prove him wrong, so everyone just goes along with it.
Edward is thrilled that Bella is thinking about college, and wants to pay her tuition. She
won't let him, and while I find Bella's ban on presents irksome, I can understand wanting
to earn your own way through college. It's quite admirable, and yet by the chapter's end, I
will still hate Bella.
Things in cafeteria have changed a bit since last year. Emmett and Rosalie have
graduated and there is no longer a "vampires only" table at lunch. Instead, Alice and
Edward sit with Bella and her friends, though the vamps stay on one side of the table.
Bella's other lunchmates include Jessica and Mike (who are no longer an item), Angela
(whose name is not Peaches), Ben, Eric (glad to see he's OK), Conner (who?), Tyler, and
Lauren (the girl that doesn’t like Bella, whose name is also not Peaches).
After school, Bella drives Edward back to her house. He complains about her rusty truck
and its lack of a good radio. The two share a kiss, and once again, Bella can't control
herself. Edward breaks it up, reminding us all that if he is overcome with passion, he
would kill her. They go inside and watch Romeo and Juliet.
Edward says he's not a fan of Romeo. But Romeo is one of Bella's all-time favorite
fictional characters. (No one asked, but my favorite characters include Atticus Finch,
Huck Finn, and Hobbes from Calvin and Hobbes. But Emmett is creeping up the list.)
Edward says Romeo is an idiot for ruining a good thing. Bella is a little ticked off at all
this chatting, and says she needs to concentrate. Edward asks if she'll cry while watching
the movie, and she says chances are good that tears will flow if she's allowed to focus on
the story. He likes the thought of her crying, so he says he'll shut up. Edward is an old,
perverted man who enjoys watching teenagers weep. This relationship gets creepier and
creepier. By the end of the series, he'll be asking Bella to dress up as a sexy nurse and
throw burning matches at his face while she cries into a bucket so he can drink her tears.
The movie ends, and Bella does let loose a few tears. The ending of Romeo and Juliet
(spoiler alert: they die) brings up the subject of suicide. Edward thinks humans are so
lucky because they can easily kill themselves. Bella doesn’t understand what he's hinting
at, and he finally comes clean, confessing he thought of suicide when he wasn't sure he
would be able to save her from the evil James.
He says suicide is really hard for vampires, and the only way he could kill himself would
be to go to Italy and upset the Volturi, a group of ancient vampires who don’t like being
messed with. (You may recall these vampires were mentioned briefly in the last book.)
Bella is mad that Edward even thought about killing himself. There's more "you are my
life" talk, and then Bella's dad comes home with pizza.
Apparently Charlie doesn't ask why Edward refuses to eat people-food. He just accepts it,
like when you bring a friend over to your house and your mom notices that he uses a lot
of toilet paper, but isn't about to ask why.
Edward asks Charlie if he can take Bella out tonight, and Charlie says it's all right.
Charlie also encourages Bella to take pictures with her new camera. It also seems that
Charlie digs Alice, since Alice helped Bella after the battle with James.
Bella and Edward leave and head for the Cullen house, where a birthday celebration is
waiting. Edward asks that Bella try to have a good time and not ruin everything with her
ugly attitude. He says the Cullens haven't had a birthday to celebrate since Emmett's in
1935. Why don't vampires celebrate birthdays? By now, they could have had, like,
hundreds of free Happy Ending Sundaes at Friendly's.
The good news is that Emmett will be at the party. The bad news is that Rosalie, who
doesn't like Bella very much, will also be there. Emmett and Rosalie were in Africa for
some reason (were-rhinos? Please, oh please tell me there are were-rhinos in Africa and
Emmett must hunt them down with an automatic crossbow and a chain whip!), but the
cover story in Forks is that they went off to college. Emmett, who is awesome and great,
didn't want to miss Bella's birthday, so they came home.
Bella is delighted that Emmett will be there, but she's no fan of Rosalie. Before they left
for the party, Bella took a picture of Edward with her new camera, and now, as they walk
into the house, she asks if vampires can have their picture taken, and what will happen
when she develops the film. Develops? What the hell does that word mean? Perhaps she
misspelled "upload."
The lovebirds walk into the house, and are greeted by everyone shouting, "Happy
birthday!" The house is decorated with pink roses, silver, and crystal. It's very impressive,
but a properly planned Dora the Explorer-themed party could be just as classy, and twice
as fun.
Bella responds to the decorations and all the attention by telling us, "It was a hundred
times worse than I'd imagined." After reading that sentence, I've decided that Bella is the
worst character in literature, beating out Nurse Ratchet from One Flew Over the Cuckoo's
Nest and Dr. Doom from The Fantastic Four. What an ungrateful, horrible, lousy person.
Emmett is happy to see Bella, but quickly excuses himself with a wink and goes outside.
Alice and Jasper greet Bella, and Jasper, who still loves human blood a bit too much, acts
distant and odd. Alice then says it's time to open presents, and gives Bella a box. There is
nothing inside. The box contained a new stereo for Bella's truck, which Emmett ran out to
install so that Bella wouldn't be able to return the gift. How tricky.
Alice then gives Bella another present to open, this one from Edward. She gives him a
mean stare, but he assures her that he didn't spend any money on the gift. As she opens
the present, the wrapping paper cuts her finger, and all hell breaks loose.
Edward screams, "No!" Jasper gets his hungry eyes and charges at Bella, and Edward
comes running over and pushes her out of the way and over a table, crashing into some
glassware (side note: Why do vampires have glassware? I thought most of their meals
were eaten on the go). Jasper runs into Edward, creating a loud, rock-like sound. The
amazing Emmett then holds Jasper back. As Bella looks around, she realizes the crash
caused a more severe cut on her hand, and now she has six hungry vampires staring down
at her.
Prediction: Jasper shouts "Five-second rule!" before diving for Bella's blood on the
floor. Later, Bella nicks her leg while shaving. Jasper goes nuts, but Edward protects
Bella. The insane, ravenous Jasper kills hundreds of people in his maddened state of
bloodlust. The next day he apologizes to Bella and offers her a bottle of Nair with a
sheepish grin. All is forgiven.
Blogging New
Moon: Part 2
Chapter Two:
Stitches
Better title: Bella's Boo-
Boo Ends The World
Despite the setup from

the end of the last
chapter, no one eats
Bella. Emmett and
Rosalie escort the
hungry Jasper outside,
probably to give him a
rabbit to munch on or treat him to a monkey (I assume monkey blood taste like human
blood, only a bit tangier). Edward and Alice try to stick around, but the blood, and the
tension it caused, is too much for them and they both leave Carlisle alone with Bella.
Everyone is acting way too dramatic. It's not like Jasper killed Bella. He didn't even lick
her, or try to sop up some of her blood with bread. The Cullens need to relax. Accidents
happen. I bet if a similar situation occurred at a werewolf's house, the wolves would just
laugh it off and then get back to wrestling sharks.
Carlisle offers to drive Bella to the emergency room, but she says she'd rather have him
treat her here at their house. As Carlisle begins stitching her wound, she asks him a few
questions, such as how can he be around blood all the time and not freak out like Jasper.
Carlisle says it comes from years of practice and experience. I'd hate to have been his
first patient, or worse, his malpractice insurer.
Since Carlisle spends so much time working at the hospital, Bella wonders if the constant
exposure to blood has built up his resistance and willpower. That's understandable. It's a
lot like a chocolate factory employee who is so sick of seeing candy all day that she never
touches the stuff, or a swimsuit photographer who is so tired of scantily clad models that
he can only get turned on by women wearing thick sweaters and astronaut space suits.
Bella tries to take her mind off of her injury, and continues talking with Carlisle. She asks
what made him turn to medicine, since a vampire doctor makes about as much sense as
an alcoholic bar owner.
He says that he became a doctor not out of guilt about being a vampire, but because he
loves to help people. OK, but I still don't get why he chose a profession where he's
surrounded by blood. If I were him, and I had a strong desire to help people, I'd become a
massage therapist instead. Not only do massage therapists help people, but the only way
someone can die on a massage table is from extreme pleasure or a stray bullet.
After Carlisle finishes cleaning and sewing up Bella, she asks why he chose to fight his
evil vampire nature and become a good guy. He says his decision to be good has less to
do with making amends for being a monster, and more to do with his strong belief in
God. Things begin to get a bit preachy here, and I tune out and start tapping The William
Tell Overture against the book cover. I get a pretty good beat going as the two characters
debate the existence of vampire souls.
Carlisle believes there is a point to everything, a meaning to life, and that even vampires
have a capacity for good and a reason for living. Bella agrees, and he's a bit taken aback,
since no one, not even his family members, agrees with him. I've stopped thumping The
William Tell Overture and am trying to focus.
According to Carlisle, Edward believes in God and heaven and hell, but doesn't think
vampires are included in that scenario. To Edward, vampires are soulless beings. Carlisle
then asks if Bella would be willing to take a soul. And then there's more chatter about
choices, souls, and responsibility. I think they're talking about the prospect of Bella
becoming a vampire, but honestly, I reread this section a few times and I'm still not sure
what is being said. It seems like a bunch of gibberish. A more clearly worded back-and-
forth may have helped, and I offer the following suggestion:
CARLISLE: God is real and vampires are good.

BELLA: I know!
CARLISLE: That's so cool. No one else believes me.
BELLA: Not even Edward?
CARLISLE: Edward doesn't believe he has a soul.
BELLA: That's stupid. I like Edward's eyeballs.
CARLISLE: But Bella, would you be willing to take a soul if it meant the soul you took
was a soul that was missing a soul, and that the missing soul was also the soul of another
soul?
BELLA: Yes. I understand exactly what you mean.
CARLISLE: Yay! Wanna go eat hamsters?
BELLA: [Sarcastically] No, Carlisle. I don't want to eat hamsters. [Super excited] Of
course I want to eat hamsters, silly goose. I'll grab the hammer, you get the tiny net.
Carlisle then reveals a bit about Edward's real mother, Elizabeth Masen, who was
suffering from the same influenza that killed her husband and infected her son (both
named Edward). Elizabeth was on death's door and was still trying to help her son, who
was also in bad shape. Before dying, Elizabeth, as if sensing Carlisle's vampire powers,
begged him to do whatever he could to save her son. Carlisle, who was lonely and had
been thinking about making a vampire buddy, decided to transform the dying Edward
Masen into the vampire Edward Cullen.
If I were a lonely vampire, the first person I would transform into my vampire buddy
would not be some sad, recently-orphaned teenager. For my eternal friend, I would
choose an attractive young lady, or a ninja, or Abe Lincoln. Or maybe a good, loyal dog
would be the best undead companion.
This brings up another question: Can a vampire infect a species other than human beings?
Can they make vampire hawks? Vampire worms? Vampire oak trees? And if a vampire
infects another vampire, does that vampire become super powered? Maybe a second
vampire just grows out of his back like a tumor.
Because I can't seem to find Stephenie Meyer's phone number, I will try to answer all
vampire combination questions myself, in a forthcoming 900-page single-spaced
reference book entitled Vampire Plus One Equals Fun.
Back to the story. Carlisle asks if he can take Bella to her house, and Edward pops in
saying that he will escort her home, but first she needs to change out of the bloody
clothes or else Charlie will freak out at the sight of her. Alice gives Bella one of Rosalie's
shirts to wear. Bella asks if Jasper is OK, and Alice says he's really upset at himself for
acting like that. Bella feels awful about the whole silly mess, but everyone tries to
reassure her that it was no one's fault.
Alice gives Bella her remaining, unopened birthday presents. Then Edward and Bella
drive off in silence. She can't handle the awkwardness and finally asks for forgiveness,
prompting Edward to say she has nothing to be sorry for, and that everything was his
fault. The blame game is played quite a bit in his chapter, and to help make everyone feel
better, I decree that the accident was all Eric's fault. If Eric had been more attractive and
charming, Bella would have fallen for him instead of Edward, and none of this would
have happened.
They arrive at Bella's house, and she pleads with Edward to stay the night. (He usually
watches her sleep because he's a pervert. But they can't have sex because he would kill
her, so he's a rather wholesome pervert.) He agrees to stay because it's her birthday.
He sneaks into her room with her birthday present, as Bella goes through the front door
and quickly says goodnight to her dad. In her room, Edward helps Bella open the first
present since her arm is injured. Carlisle and Esme have given her and Edward plane
tickets to Florida so that they can go visit her mom and her mom's boyfriend (husband?
sugar daddy?) Phil. Bella loves the gift, and Edward starts to think that maybe he should
have spent money on the gift her got her, since she's now a birthday princess who loves
expensive presents.
But Bella says she'll love whatever his present is. He opens it for her, and inside is a
blank CD. He plops the disc into her CD player, and she wells up with tears at the sound:
Eddie made a mix CD of his own songs for Bella. The first song is the lullaby he wrote
for her, and the rest of the CD probably includes such Eddie C. hits as "Dolphin Blood
Hangover" and "Lions, and Tigers, and Bears…Oh Yum!"
Bella complains that her arm hurts, and Edward grabs some painkillers from the hallway.
He returns, she takes the meds, and then he puts her to bed. Before falling asleep, she
asks for one more birthday present: a kiss. A typical Edward/Bella smooch ensues, but he
suddenly becomes more passionate than before, losing control a little bit and rustling up
her hair in a hot, sexy manner. Then he ends the kiss. Bella is about to drift off to sleep
when she remembers the last time Edward kissed her like that was when he was leaving
her to hunt James. It's his goodbye smooch, and this scares Bella. Where's he going?
Prediction: Bella's fears of Edward leaving worsen when he gives her a hug that lasts
slightly longer than usual. She also gets suspicious when she spots him at the mall buying
a map of Alaska, luggage, and a copy of "Breaking Up With Your Star-Crossed Lover
For Dummies."
Chapter Three: The

End
Better title: Don't Cry.
There Are Plenty of
One True Loves in the
Sea.
Bella is feeling lousy.

Her awkward yet hot
kiss with Edward makes
her think that all is not
right with their
relationship. Plus her
injuries still hurt, so this
morning is a rough one.
She gets up, and
Edward gives her a good morning kiss on the head before he leaps out the window.
At school, he is not acting like himself. Something is definitely up. Maybe he's thinking
of breaking up with Bella. Maybe he has a nervous stomachache because he didn't study
for the math test. (Been there.) Maybe he has a stuffy nose, and since he's no longer
enchanted by Bella's odor, he sees her as the whiny sad sack that she is.
They share a few quick words. Bella is anxious to see Alice so she can ask her how
Jasper is doing. But Alice isn't in in school today. Edward says she went with Jasper to
Denali, where a vampire family much like the Cullens resides. (Maybe they have a
version of Emmett there!) One of these vampires is named Tanya, which I'm sure is just a
nickname for something long and elegant like Tanyathia.
Laurent, the evil vampire from the last book who ran away instead of helping the Cullens,
also went to Tanya's to chill out. So Tanya is running a hotel for wimpy vampires. By the
way, are Alice and Jasper a couple? I know they came to the Cullen family together, but
are they romantically linked? You never see them kiss or hold hand hands or drink blood
flirtatiously from two straws stuck into a dying rabbit. If they are a couple, I think the
fun, friendly Alice can do better. She should date Jacob or Jimmy Fallon.
This other vampire family will probably play a larger role later in the story. In an effort to
remember all this information, I made a mnemonic device, "Roy G. Biv," which stands
for: Remember Other tanYa Group are Buddies, Indigo Violet.
For the rest of the day, Edward doesn't say much. After school, Bella asks him if he'll
stop by later when she gets off work. He says he'll come over if that's what she wants.
This is relationship speak for, "only if I have to." Such as when you ask your girlfriend if
she wants pizza for dinner and she says, "Sure. If that's what you want," which means she
actually wants pancakes.
He kisses her forehead and she drives off to work at the sporting good store (which is
owned by Mike's family. This probably isn't important, but maybe Mike's family is a clan
of pirate ghosts, so I should keep track of them). Bella is freaking out about what the
simple paper cut has caused. I still cannot believe the Cullen family is in disarray over a
little spilled blood. These folks survived through two world wars, the Great Depression,
the Cold War, the rap-metal music trend, the turbulent 1960s, and countless years of high
school. They should be tough enough to deal with a boo-boo and some broken dishes.
I'd hate to think what would have happen if Bella got a bloody nose. The family would
probably panic and run around the town babbling and weeping and stamping their feet so
hard in madness that their bodies would split in twain like Rumpelstiltskin. One
commenter mentioned the problems that come with Bella's time of the month. I won't go
there with theories and questions, but it's a darn good point nonetheless.
Bella imagines things will be better at the end of the school year if Edward runs away
with her. At work, her mind races, but she is relieved to see his car at her house when she
gets home. Edward and Charlie are camped out in front of the TV watching Sports
Center. The two guys say hello to Bella and go back to watching the show. (Edward likes
sports? I always thought he was more of a PBS or Animal Planet HD kind of guy.)
Charlie tells Bella there is cold pizza in the kitchen and she goes to eat while Edward
continues to watch TV. There's something going on, and Bella doesn't like it. Alone in
the kitchen, she thinks about life without the Cullen family, and hopes that Edward will
take her away from all of this. She thinks about leaving her dad and what she would tell
her mom, and says that eventually she would return with Edward once this whole thing
blew over.
OK. I'm not exactly clear what the big deal is. Jasper isn't ready to hang out with humans.
I understand that. But why is it a huge problem? He can just chill out in the basement and
play video games when Bella comes over. That's what I used to do when my family
would visit on Christmas. Or let Alice and Jasper go live down the block. These "teens"
are at least 80 years old, and it's about time they got their own place, right? Heck, most
parents boot their kids out of the house after college. The Cullens need each other
because they all share the same dietetic philosophy, but they don't need to live under the
same roof.
And even if this is such a huge deal, wouldn't all of it go away if Edward just made Bella
a vampire? The simplest solution is usually the best, so bite Bella and everyone can go on
with their lives. The faster we solve this nonsense, the sooner we get to the werewolves
with (fingers crossed) jetpacks.
Still alone in the kitchen, Bella looks at the scrapbook her mom bought her and thinks
about filling it with pictures and memories. She grabs her camera and tries to get a
sneaky shot of her dad and Edward. Charlie isn't a fan of having his picture taken and
acts like a brat. Then there is more uncomfortable silence between Edward and Bella as
they sit in front of the TV. After the show ends, Edward says he needs to get back home,
thus ending the world's least romantic date. (Hey, they can't all be walks in picturesque
meadows and all-night face-touching parties.)
Bella has a rough night, and gets up early. She takes a few pictures of her house, thinking
that if Edward takes her away, she will want some memories of this place. At school, he
remains quiet and distant. At lunch, she takes pictures of her non-vampire friends and on
the way to work, she drops off the film to be developed. She picks it up later that night.
When she gets the pictures back home, she's surprised to see that Edward's photo not only
came out just fine, but that he looks as god-like as ever. She puts the photos in the
scrapbook, and labels them. She takes the second set of prints and puts them in an
envelope to send to her mom in Florida. I guess her mom gets a kick out of seeing
pictures of old houses and people she doesn't really know.
Edward does not come over at night, and once again Bella doesn't sleep well. She can't
take this awkwardness and decides she needs to talk things out with him. But at school,
he asks to come over to her house before she can even suggest it. She says that's fine, but
first she wants to send the pictures to her mom. He says he can mail the letter and still get
to Bella's house faster than she can in her old truck.
At her house, Edward is waiting and invites her for a walk. This isn't good at all. The
only time couples go for walks is when they are about to break up, or when they are old
and think walking around the block once will help them lose 50 pounds.
They haven't walked too far when he drops a bomb on Bella: he's leaving Forks with all
the Cullens. He makes up excuses, saying that his family can't stay here much longer
since people will begin to notice that they don't age. But the real reason is they need to
leave because of the Jasper incident, and because they are a family of overreacting
morons.
Naturally, Bella doesn't take the news very well. She yells at him, reminding him that he
promised to stay with her after the James attack. He retorts that he promised to stay as
long as it was best for her. Now things have changed. She screams, "No! This about my
soul, isn't it." If you want to have fun with this over-dramatic section of the book, replace
all instances of the word "soul" with the word "earwax."
Bella says Edward can make her vampire, because she doesn't want a soul if it means
being without him. Then he coldly says he doesn't want her…at all. If you're going to
break up with someone, and want to drive the point home, that'll do it. Even I wanted to
slap him when he said that, and I hate Bella.
She is taken aback by the harsh words. He softens things a bit by saying he will always
love her, but can no longer pretend to be human. He has to move on before she gets
seriously hurt. She pleads with him to stay and he responds with, "You're not good for
me, Bella," which is something I also say to cookies before eating them. (I name all
cookies "Bella.")
Finally, she realizes she's fighting a losing battle and has nothing left to argue. He asks
her to promise him not to do anything reckless. She promises. Then he says that this will
be the last time she will ever see him. And it will be as though they never met. So I just
read almost 500 pages for nothing?
Edward admires humans because they can forget things. As bad as Bella feels now, time
will help ease the pain. He says, "We won't bother you again"—"we" meaning the other
vampires, I suppose. The rest of the Cullens have already moved on to a secret location.
(Remember, Roy G. Biv!)
As he leaves and says goodbye, she cries out to him and tries to grab him, but her shoves
her arms down to her sides and says, "Take care of yourself" before disappearing into the
woods. Poor Bella is all alone.
She tries to run after him, but she's much too slow. After hiking through the woods, she
falls and stays on the ground curled up in a ball. She stays there for hours and the night is
completely dark because of the new moon. (That's where the title comes from. Although,
to be more scientifically accurate, the book could have been called, "Moon Not Visible
Due To Alignment With Sun.")
It rains and she's so depressed she can't even move. After a while she hears someone
calling her name. Later she hears an animal sound nearby; I'm guessing this is a werewolf
looking for her. (Yay!) Finally, Sam Uley finds her. He's part of the Native American
tribe who live on the nearby reservation. (And I think they are werewolves, and I hope
they are amazing.)
He carries her back to her house, and all Bella can say is, "He's gone." (Meaning
Edward…or perhaps she had a secret crush on Emmett, or it finally hit home that Heath
Ledger is dead.)
Charlie moves her into the house, where Dr. Gerandy (who I don't think is a vampire or a
werewolf) examines her. There are more Native Americans in the house along with Mike
Newton and his dad and a few other people. The doctor says Bella isn't hurt and is just
suffering from exhaustion.
Charlie asks the doctor if it's true that the Cullens left suddenly. He says it is, and that Dr.
Cullen got a job in Los Angeles. The exhausted Bella rests on the couch as her dad
answers phone calls. And after one call, presumably from the police station, Charlie
quickly calls Billy Black (Jacob's dad) and asks if the Native Americans are burning
bonfires. Apparently the tribe is celebrating the news that the vampires have left town,
because vampires and werewolves do not get along. Because she was responsible for the
vampires' exit, maybe the werewolves will give Bella a trophy. Or build a statue in her
honor. Or send her a Visa gift card (because then she can get something she really wants).
Charlie asks Bella what happened, and she says Edward didn't leave her in the woods—
she went chasing after him and got lost. It seems that he snuck into her house and left a
note in Bella's handwriting, telling her dad where to find her.
Bella is tired of the questions and goes to her room because she's worried that leaving a
note was not all Edward did while she was crying in the woods. She's right: he also took
back the CD he made for her and swiped all the pictures she took of him. He left no trace
of his existence, just as he had promised. Bella feels sad and goes into a deep depression.
Prediction: After a few days of being sad, Bella finally starts dating again. Matters
quickly turn sour when, on a date with Mike, Bella constantly attempts to ride his back
while rubbing glitter all over his face and screaming, "Say I smell good. Say it! Say it!
Say I smell like freesia!" Mike runs away in tears.
Chapter Four: Waking Up
Better Title: Skip This Chapter
Uh-oh. My copy of the book is

defective. The first few pages of
this chapter are almost
completely blank. They just
feature the words "October,"
"November," "December," and
"January." If someone out there
has a calendar that instead of
listing months features a story
about a whiny teen who doesn't
have any fun, please contact
me. I think there was some sort of mixup at the calendar/book publishing house.
Fine, I get it: Author Stephenie Meyer thought it'd be clever to show the passing of time
by using an entire page to represent a month. So the first few pages of this chapter
include only the name of that month, and nothing else. It's wasted space, and in the
interest of "going green," readers should use these pages to make shopping lists, create a
short flip-book, or make cootie catchers (also known as "origami fortune tellers" in some
neighborhoods and "strange, tiny paper hats" in other areas).
When the story picks up again, it's only for a brief paragraph in which the pretentious
Bella compares enduring the passing of time to feeling a pulse beneath a bruise. This is
followed by more empty space. (I used this space to practice Tic-Tac-Toe strategies,
including the controversial Belvedere Offensive, wherein the player starts by placing an
X in the middle-right square.)
The chapter finally begins on the next page with Bella's dad yelling. He's upset that Bella
is still in her sad mood after four months. He threatens to send her to her mom's house in
Florida, and she fights back, saying she hasn't done anything wrong. Charlie is mad
because not only has she done nothing wrong, she's done nothing at all. She should be
having fun being a teenager instead of moping around the house trying not to think about
Edward. There are movies too see, value menus to try, concert tickets with exorbitant
hidden service fees to buy. She's wasting her teenage years.
Bella asks Charlie if he wants her to get into trouble, and he says that getting into trouble
would at least show that she was still alive inside. Instead of acting like an emotionless
robot, he wants her to do something, anything—which is strange advice coming from a
single dad who spends his free time watching TV and eating breakfasts.
They fight for a bit. Charlie says breakups can be hard, but Bella needs to move on. He
suggests she see a psychiatrist. She reminds us that she can't see a professional because
that would necessitate telling the truth about vampires, and no one would believe her, so
it's easier to shut up about the whole mess and feel miserable.
Side note: If you knew that vampires were real, and knew all about their powers and
abilities as well as their names, why wouldn't you tell someone? You could make money
writing a book on the subject, and you'd probably get your own documentary special on
the Sy Fy channel, even if you couldn't provide any evidence.
To appease her dad, Bella says she'll go out with Jessica tonight. But Charlie says that's
not enough, and really pushes her to move to Florida. She says she can't just leave high
school with only one semester remaining. Finally, her dad gets fed up and says the real
reason she's sticking around Forks is because she hopes Edward will come back, but
since he hasn't even sent a letter, chances aren't good that he will return. This sets Bella
off and she leaves the table to head for school.
By the way, isn't the evil vampire Victoria still on the prowl and hungry for Bella's
blood? With no one around to protect Bella, Victoria could strike at any time. Perhaps
she's just waiting for the right moment, hoping Bella will expose her neck while looking
up at a hot air balloon or will dramatically tip her head to the side while trying to get
water out of her ear. Or maybe we're to assume Emmett annihilated Victoria when we
weren't looking.
Bella arrives at school. In calculus class, she starts to talk to Jessica. It seems that the
months of being depressed have hurt the girls' friendship, and now Jess is a bit snotty
towards Bella. Bella tries her best to be friendly, but Jessica acts cold and unfriendly. I
thought Jessica was one of the nice ones. Perhaps during the past few months she fell in
love with a sea creature, only to have her heart broken when the sea creature decided to
go into hiding for no real reason. That would explain her mood.
Bella asks the suddenly evil Jessica if she wants to go to the movies tonight, and after
thinking it over, Jessica agrees. They decide to see Dead End, a zombie movie. Bella
doesn't want to see anything with romance involved, so a horror movie is probably her
best bet, assuming the theater isn't showing a movie about the Vietnam War or Ice Age 9:
Follow That 'Dactyl.
Bella arrives at her house after school, though she doesn't remember the drive. She's in
such a depressed state that everything is a blur. I've never felt like that over a breakup,
but sometimes when I'm watching a show and then change the channel during a
commercial, I cannot remember what show I was originally watching. So I feel her pain.
In her room, she notices the stereo that Emmett installed in her car. After Edward left, she
couldn't stand the sight of the stereo, so she ripped it out of her car with her fingernails.
It's a good thing Emmett didn't give her a tongue ring or a puppy.
Jessica arrives to take Bella to the theater in Port Angeles. The conversation gets off to a
rocky start, and it's clear that Jessica is still mad at Bella for being depressed and
unsociable. But she perks up when Bella asks about boys. Jessica reveals she went on a
date with Eric (way to go E-rock!). But she says she doesn't really like Eric. (Don't worry,
E-rock. You're too good for her anyway!)
Jessica gossips all the way to the movie theater. The movie begins like a typical horror
film, with a couple walking alone. This brief bit of romance is too much for Bella, and
she excuses herself to the lobby to get some popcorn. She returns after the couple has
been eaten by zombies. She describes the rest of the flick as gory and scary, and I wish I
were watching that movie right now.
During the climax of the movie, when the zombie is chasing a young woman, Bella
realizes that she has become a zombie herself—an emotional zombie. She has become a
shell of a person without Edward. This realization is too much for her to handle, and she
walks out of the theater moments before the movie ends. (Don't you hate people like
that?)
After the movie, the girls go look for a place to eat, but their walk to the fast food joint is
interrupted when they come across some unsavory men standing outside a bar.
Something bad must have happened to Stephenie Meyer in Port Angeles (which is a real
place. I looked it up) because whenever the town is brought up in the story, she describes
every male inhabitant as scary and/or drunk. Perhaps Port Angeles is located on a pirate
ship or inside a wild west saloon.
This is just like Bella's trip to Port Angeles in the first book. Back then, scary dudes
cornered her on the streets, but Edward swooped in to save her life. Since he's not around
anymore, the situation is much more tense. And by "tense," I mean "long-winded and
boring." What follows is a couple pages of Bella being both scared of these men and
mystified by them. She thinks they might be the same bad guys from last year and, I
guess, she wants to face her fears.
To quickly sum up what happens in these bloated pages, she's drawn to the scary guys,
but then hears Edward's voice in her head reminding her to be careful. She still walks
towards the guys, and Edward's voice yells at her again. Finally she gets close to the men
and realizes these are not the same baddies from last year, but instead are just some
typical drunk guys who probably didn't mean her any harm.
Hearing Edward's voice freaks her out, because it means either she's crazy and hearing
voices, or her subconscious mind is using Edward's voice to protect her. Other options
include: It's just Edward's echo bouncing around the buildings of Port Angeles for the
past year, or the mean-spirited Jessica can do a spot-on Edward impersonation and loves
to toy with Bella's emotions.
She talks to guys standing outside the bar, and they invite her in, but she refuses. When
she turns around, she sees a stunned Jessica. I'm glad she didn't go into the bar, because a
drunk Bella is probably worse than a sober Bella, and she would go on and on,
blabbering, "And then Eddie was like…pfff. And he left. And I didn't leave. And he left. I
was in the woods! And it was sad. It was so sad. I like pretzels. These pretzels…we need
more of 'em. OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG! We have to dance to this song. Will
you touch me on the face?" Then she'd puke, cry, and laugh all at the same time.
Back with Jessica, Bella makes up an excuse for going towards the strange guys, saying
she thought they looked familiar. Jessica responds with, "You are so odd, Bella Swan. I
feel like I don't know who you are," which is something I say after reading every
sentence in this book. (And sometimes I sing it as if I were in a rock opera entitled,
"Bella Bella What the Hella.")
The girls eat in silence, and Jessica is very angry with Bella. Why? All Bella did was talk
to some older guys. Jessica shouldn't be so upset about that. Perhaps she's really mad
because Bella made her leave the movie before the credits ended, and now she'll never
know if there was a funny outtake tacked on to the end of the film, or who the second unit
director was.
On the ride home, Bella starts to feel something other than depressed numbness. She feels
a bit of pain and relief. The slight risk she took by talking with the bar guys, along with
hearing Edward's voice, has somehow awakened her. Nasty Jessica drops her off at home
in a huff.
Inside, Charlie is waiting for Bella and demands to know where she went. She tells him
she just went to the movies with Jessica. He grumbles but then seems glad that she got
out of the house.
In her room, she gets very emotional and tries to understand her feelings. It's all very
touchy-feely, greeting card crap, and I think much of this chapter could have been
avoided if she just drowned her sorrows in ice cream and raw cookie dough.
Prediction: Edward's voice haunts Bella yet again, warning her that women over the age
of 30 should take calcium supplements because osteoporosis is no laughing matter. Out
of anger towards Edward, Bella tries to defy the warnings, but in the end she cannot risk
having low bone density.
Chapter Five: Cheater
Better Title: Bella Doesn't
Kill Herself At All
At the sporting goods store,

Mike tells Bella to leave
early because business is
slow today. As she gets
ready to leave, two
shoppers talk about a recent
bear sighting; apparently,
the bear was big and black.
I'm assuming that this bear
is actually a werewolf, and
suddenly I become
interested in the story again.
With some free time on her hands, Bella doesn't want to go back home and deal with her
concerned father, so she drives around aimlessly. She hasn't been sleeping well and is
suffering from the same nightmare every night, which makes her wake up screaming.
This has become so common in the Swann house that her dad doesn't even check on her
after she screams, just like most people don't even flinch when a car alarm goes off.
Her nightmare doesn't seem very scary: She's walking around in the forest, lost. I've had
daydreams that were more frightening. For instance, just now, staring at my laptop, I
thought, "Wouldn't it be horrible if every time I hit a key on the keyboard a kitten died,
but I didn't know about it, so throughout my life I've unknowingly killed millions of poor
kittens, and even writing this sentence may have wiped out an entire family of young
cats?" Now that's scary.
Bella continues to drive around and think about Edward and her pain. I was warned that
this book contained a lot of emotional Bella thoughts, and it does. But believe it or not,
I'm going to cut her a little slack here. Breakups are hard, especially if it's with your first
love, and especially if the breakup was caused by your inability to not bleed. So for the
rest of this chapter, and this chapter alone, I will not poke fun at Bella for feeling
miserable, because for once, she has something to feel miserable about.
In her mind, she goes over Edward's final words, in which he made her this deal: He will
disappear and make it seem as though he never existed, and in return, she must promise
to be safe. This is the worst treaty every created. It's like a bully who says he will hit you
hard in the neck, but in exchange, you must give him $5. It doesn't make sense, and only
a fool would make such a pledge. Bella should have negotiated better terms. For instance:
Edward leaves forever and lets Bella keep the photos. In exchange, she will be careful
when driving and dealing with werewolves, but she can ride her bicycle without a helmet
(only on the driveway and in cul-de-sacs).
OR
Edward leaves and takes the photos, but he promises to come back every Christmas and
Flag Day if Bella promises to never leave her house and never stand in front of the
microwave when it's in use.
Emotions are overtaking poor Bella, and she realizes that she shouldn't be driving. She
pulls over and curls up on the seat of her truck, mashing her face against the steering
wheel. If I wasn't trying to be nice towards her during this chapter, I would make fun of
her right now. Instead, I just shake my head, grin sympathetically, and say, "Keep your
chin up and your nose clean, kiddo. The world ain't done with you yet." (When talking to
a book, it works best if you sound like an actor from the 1940s.)
She finally understands that the deal she made with Edward was stupid, because while he
took all the photos and material things that could remind her of his existence, he couldn't
take her memory or change the fact that she's a different person now. So when he said, "It
will be as if I'd never existed," he was lying.
Since he was allowed to lie about his promise, she thinks she can lie about her promise to
stay safe, and wants to do something stupid and dangerous to get back at him. But
without vampires, there is nothing dangerous in Forks. (Unlike the den of hell that is Port
Angeles.)
Fate is on her side: she parked her car in front of a yard where two motorcycles are being
advertised as "For Sale." Riding a motorcycle is just the type of danger Bella is looking
for. A fellow classmate of hers lives at the house; she goes to the door, and the
classmate's younger brother answers. She asks about the bikes, and the kid says the
motorcycles don't run at all and she can have them for free because his mom is making
his dad throw them out.
Bella only needs one motorcycle to be reckless, but the kid suggests she take both and
use the parts from one to fix the other. She's worried about her dad finding out; he has
forbidden her to ride a motorcycle. As a police officer, he's seen too many accidents to let
his daughter ride on a death machine.
Motorcycles can certainly be dangerous, but there are other ways Bella can act recklessly
that won't require her to pay a mechanic first. Why waste the time and money? Instead,
she could live dangerously right this very moment by eating trans fats, or by going to an
airport without photo I.D., or by doing aerobics without stretching.
As they load the motorcycles on the truck, the young kid once again tells Bella that the
bikes need a lot of work. She thinks about taking them to the overpriced mechanic in
town, but then remembers Jacob Black, the car-savvy Native American who is probably a
werewolf. (He is my third favorite character in this series, behind Emmett and Alice, and
slightly ahead of Bella's truck and that guy named Conner who has only been mentioned
twice). Jacob could probably help her fix the bikes.
When she gets home, she calls Charlie at the police station to get directions to Jacob's
house. Charlie and Jacob's dad Billy are good friends, and he is more than happy to give
Bella the info. But Bella still wants to keep the motorcycles a secret and hopes that Billy
won't find out and rat her out.
She quickly drives over to the Blacks' house, and finds it strangely familiar. Jacob is
happy to see her, and has grown even more since the last book, standing an impressive
6'5". He's a bit more grown up and still has long black hair. Bella doesn't seem
romantically interested in him, but she likes him a lot as a friend. Of course, since she has
a fetish for powerful mythical monsters, once it's revealed that he's a werewolf, she'll
probably fall all over him and his musky scent. (Although I may be getting ahead of
myself. If I'm wrong about Jacob being a werewolf, I will be disappointed, and the
editorial I'm writing for the New York Times entitled "Jacob is a Werewolf for Sure" will
fail to connect with readers.)
Jacob and Bella share a friendly conversation. It's nice to see two teens talk and act like
teenagers, instead of acting like brooding, dramatic ninnies. Bella says hi to Billy, but
quickly leaves with Jacob and heads to his garage out back. While he's showing off his
1986 Rabbit (the car, not the animal), she asks if he'd be willing to help her rebuild the
motorcycles. Without giving it a second thought, he said he'd love to.
She offers to pay for his service, but Jacob, being the awesome guy that he is, refuses the
money. Finally, after some friendly bickering, they strike a deal: In exchange for fixing
the bikes, he will get to keep one, and Bella will pay for all the parts if he teaches her
how to ride when the bikes are done.
Had she made a similar deal with Edward, the terms would probably be something like:
Bella pays for the parts and service, and when the bikes are done, Edward gets to ride
both of them at the same time, and she can only ride one for half an hour on her birthday.
Yep, I like Jacob. He's friendly, funny, and handy. If Bella needed car help from Edward,
all he would be able to do is serenade the car with a love song and then kiss the roof of
the car in hopes that his romantic gestures would do the trick. Jacob isn't so…precious.
He is now 16, and Bella is 18. The age difference shouldn't be a problem since the age
difference between Bella and her last man-buddy was well into the double digits. But
Bella still sees Jacob as a friend, and hopes she's not leading him on. Open your eyes,
woman! Jacob (next to Emmett) is the best guy in town.
He agrees to keep this project a secret. It won't be too difficult to hide the bikes at the
Black house, since his dad uses a wheelchair and cannot get out to the garage. The
chapter ends with Bella feeling happy, and glad that Jacob is her friend. And I'm happy
that she's no longer curled up in a ball, sounding like she's reciting the lyrics from bad
singer/songwriter album.
Prediction: Bella continues to lead Jacob on. She calls him every day, hangs out with
him all the time, and invites him to seemingly intimate events, saying, "Wanna sleep over
at my house? I only have one bed, so we'll have to share. And then tomorrow, we can go
skinny dipping and bra shopping. Won't that be fun, good buddy!?"
Chapter Six: Friends
Better Title: [In sing-song
fashion] Jacob Has a
Girlfriend, Jacob Has a
Girlfriend.
Though there are no fights or

explosions or Emmett, this is
the best chapter of the book
so far. For the first time, the
story seems real. The chapter
picks up with Bella hanging
out in Jacob's garage as he
begins to take apart the
motorcycles to see what
needs to be fixed. While working, he tells her about his school and his two friends, the
oddly named Quil and Embry, which when said together sound like a British meat dish
served with eggs.
Jacobs says that these guys don't like anyone mocking their unusual names, and would
beat up anyone who did. Just as he's explaining the rules of Quil and Embry, the two guys
show up looking for him. They seem nice, but nothing special. Quil is a bit more
muscular, and Embry is tall and lanky. (Note: I may be confusing the two.) Quil seems
taken by Bella and doesn't stop staring at her (or maybe she has a visible booger and the
somewhat sheltered Quil has never seen one before).
The three guys talk about motorcycles for a while, and she doesn't quite understand what
they're saying, claiming that you'd need a Y chromosome to appreciate the conversation. I
take offense to that. Not all guys are into cars and motorcycles. I'm not. I prefer chariots.
Bella says she needs to get home to cook dinner for her dad, and says she'll be back
tomorrow to go with Jacob and pick up the parts they need. He still feels bad that she's
paying for the parts, but she stands firm and heads home. As she leaves, she hears the
three guys goofing around and hitting each other. This is what guys do. They don't stare
at girls when they sleep and compose lullabies in their spare time.
The sound of the guys ragging on each other cheers up Bella considerably, and she even
laughs. You read that right. She can laugh! That's like finding out that a tree can burp.
Instead of despising Bella with all my heart, now I just hate her. I feel the same way
about her as I do about olives. If you put her in a salad, I would just eat around her and
not complain. (That analogy may not make sense. I'm hungry.)
She returns home and tells her dad that she had a good time at Jacob's house. Her dad
asks a few questions, and then she goes to bed, despite worrying that she will be haunted
by nightmares and Edward-pain. But she doesn't have bad dreams, and instead wakes up
feeling better. She thinks hanging out with Jacob helps her attitude because being with
him doesn't remind her of Edward. That's probably because Jacob has yet to utter the
words "danger," "desire," or "You smell like freesia."
At breakfast, she tells her dad that she's going to Jacob's again. Charlie says he's going
fishing with his friend Harry. The quick-thinking Bella then suggests that Billy go fishing
with them as well. This way no one will be around to see the motorcycles at the Black
homestead. Charlie thinks that's a good idea and makes a few calls as Bella heads out the
door (cackling that her master scheme has worked, I assume).
She drives to Jacob's house and he gets in her truck, saying they should look at the dump
for spare parts before spending money at a store. He says it may cost $100 or more to fix
these bikes. She's says that's fine; she'll use the money she saved for college. Who has
time for college when you need to get emotional revenge on an ex-boyfriend who is most
likely hundreds, if not thousands of miles away? (Besides, "Achieved emotional
revenge," looks great on résumés.)
Bella says she's having fun, even at the dump, and hanging out with Jacob is great
because he's a happy, easygoing guy. Compared to the moody Edward, Jacob must seem
like the Dane Cook of friends, only not eye-gaugingly annoying.
Jacob finds a few parts at the dump and then they drive to the auto parts store, which is
two hours away. Where the hell was the dump? Ohio? But Jacob passes the time by
chatting about his friends and Bella seems genuinely interested, because she's falling
madly in love with this amazing guy. She just doesn't know it yet.
He then realizes that he's been doing all the talking, and asks her to tell him about herself.
She says there's nothing much to say and that her friends are boring compared to people
like Quil. He says Quil might be interested in her, but she says he's too young. Ouch!
Jacob is about the same age as Quil, so he doesn't take the news that Bella doesn't date
youngsters very well.
This starts a friendly game of using other methods to determine one's true age. For
instance, Jacob says that because he's tall, his true age is older. And Bella says that
because women mature faster than boys, she should be considered older. This silly
conversation goes on for a bit, even after they leave the store, and they determine that
Jacob's true age is 30 and Bella's true age is 23. And judging by the new rules, Edward
would be about 100 years old. (And not a spry, "I take a drink of whiskey every day" type
of 100-year-old. I'm talking about the sad, bedridden, "I need help to blink" type of 100-
year-old.)
Back at La Push, which is where Jacob lives, Bella says she almost forgot the reason she
wanted a motorcycle in the first place: to break the promise she made to Edward by being
reckless. Jacob is so charming he makes her forget that a few days ago she was about to
curl up and die of a broken heart and possible undiagnosed brain tumor. She should just
make out with him already, with tongues.
He gets to work on the bikes, and she admires his abilities as a mechanic. She's about to
get going when she hears Charlie call her name. After their fishing trip, Charlie went
back to Billy's house, and Bella and Jacob need to make sure he doesn't see the
motorcycles. They have to quickly get out of the garage and cut Charlie off before he
noses around. Jacob leads Bella through the dark by her hand. Guys, if you ever want a
girl to fall in love with you, grab her hand and lead her through someplace dark, such as a
planetarium, garage, or planetarium's garage. This will work 87% of the time. (Tip: The
harder you tug, the less she'll giggle.)
The slight fear of having their secret project revealed, along with the flirty hand-holding,
makes Bella laugh. She finds her dad and starts laughing again. Billy invites them both to
dinner, along with Harry and Harry's wife and kids. They eat spaghetti outside, because
there are too many people to fit in the house.
I assume if the Cullens had friends over for dinner they would offer the guests lobster and
duck served in a white wine sauce by candlelight in the ballroom. They probably would
also make you take your shoes off before you came in the house, and if you asked "Can I
use the restroom," Carlisle would reply, "Why I don't know. CAN you use the restroom?
Tut-tut. I believe you meant to ask 'MAY I uses the restroom?'."
Nothing much exciting happens during dinner, but the whole evening seems real and
pleasant. Bella gives Charlie a lift back to their house, and he seems happy that she's
taking an interest in Jacob. (Even if Bella is still too dumb to see him as boyfriend
material).
At home, she reads an email from her mom, and feels awful about acting so sad the past
couple of months. So she writes her mom a more upbeat response. But even after having
a happy day, she wakes up after suffering from a nightmare. This time in her dream she's
not alone in the woods, but is with Sam Uley. I'm not sure why Sam Uley is frightening.
Maybe he has a big scary nose, or snakes for hands.
Back at school, Bella is not being noticed by anyone. No one, except for Mike, likes her
very much, probably because she was antisocial for months after the breakup. In class,
she tries to chat with Jessica, but Jess is still upset about Friday night…for reasons I still
do not understand.
At lunch, Bella feels ostracized from all the conversations at her table. She tries to
interject a thought or two, but is ignored. When Angela tells everyone she had to cancel
her camping trip because she saw a giant bear, no one really believes her until Bella
speaks up and says that two guys at the sporting goods saw the same giant bear. Mike
confirms Bella's story and Bella is brought back into the conversation, slightly.
After lunch, Angela tells Bella she's glad she stuck up for her bear story. Bella tells us
that she always liked Angela more than Jessica, and it seems that Angela (and of course
Mike) accepts Bella back into the group, even if nasty Jessica and the awful Lauren still
act cold towards her.
The chapter ends as Bella remembers that one year ago yesterday she first arrived at
Forks, and that nothing much has changed. (Except she now knows that monsters are
real, and what it feels like to kiss a 109-year-old.)
Prediction: Just as things are beginning to heat up between Bella and Jacob, Edward
comes galloping into town on a white horse. He grabs Bella by the scruff of her neck and
flings her onto his horse. Before charging away with the giddy, lovesick Bella, Edward
looks back at Jacob and shouts, "Don't hate the player. Hate the game."
Chapter Seven:
Repetition
Better Title: Bella
Swan? More like Bella
Yawn. (ZING!)
The chapter begins with

Bella paying a visit to
the old Cullen house,
the mansion that is
hidden away in the
forest. She hopes this
will somehow stop the
nightmares. She also
hopes that visiting the
now-empty home will
trigger one of her Edward hallucinations, like the one she suffered from in Port Angeles.
She loves hearing from Dream Edward, even if all he does is yell at her like an angry dad.
She is crazy, and if I had to choose, I'd pick the whiny Bella from the first book over this
obsessed lunatic. I'm still holding out hope that in one of these books we'll be introduced
to a self-assured, independent Bella or perhaps even a Badass Bella who ends every
tough-talking statement with, "Blap Blap!" while making gun gestures with her fingers.
But anything would be better than listening to Emo Bella Who Stalks Her Ex's House.
She drives up to the house, and while it looks just as it always did, she senses the
emptiness. She stops in front of it, but Dream Edward's voice doesn't say anything or yell
at her, so she gets out of her truck and walks up to the porch.
But then she has second thoughts. She doesn't want to look in the windows and see the
empty rooms. She's scared of what the sight of Edward's lonely piano might do to her
sanity. She backs away, hops in her truck, and heads to Jacob's house. I can't help but
wonder if the Cullens were really inside the house the whole time hiding and giggling,
like when your annoying schoolmate comes over and you pretend you're not home. (I
KNEW YOU WERE HOME, TODD! I could hear the TV, and I knew you weren't
sleeping because I heard you sneeze and you can't sneeze if you're sleeping, jerk-bomb!)
Jacob is still as friendly as ever. When she jokingly asks if he would ever get tired of her
hanging around, he says that he could never get sick of her. In that case, he'd would love
reading this book. As much as I like Jacob, I'm getting a bit impatient with him. He
should ask Bella out. If he's too scared to ask her outright, he could bring it up in a
roundabout way, such as by saying, "Hey. You wanna play spin the bottle with me, and
no one else?"
One of the motorcycles is nearly completed, and Jacob laughs, saying that if he was
smart, he wouldn't have worked so fast. He's worried that once the bikes are finished,
Bella won't hang out with him. She says she likes chilling with him, regardless of the
motorcycle project. She even offers to hang out a few days a week just to do homework
together. Though it's not mentioned, after hearing this, Jacob probably ran out to the store
to buy sexy soul music, erotic silk boxer shorts, and a robe for their "homework session."
Bella sure enjoys leading this poor guy on.
At school, Angela and Mike are friendly towards Bella, but everyone else acts cold and
mean. At work, Mike talks with her and she smiles and laughs. She then tells us that
chatting and laughing with Mike "seemed harmless enough, until quitting time."
While reading that sentence, lower your voice for the last three words and suddenly Mike
seems like a serial killer. And if you stop the entire story right here, you have one heck of
surprise ending.
Instead of killing her, Mike asks Bella out…again. She kindly rejects him, saying that she
doesn't date. Mike has always been annoying, but now it's getting sad and somewhat
creepy. He's the type of guy who will go to the same college as Bella, just to be near her.
She needs to reject him in no uncertain times. I suggest saying the following:
"Yo, Mikey. What's your deal, jerk-bomb? I ain't buying what you're selling. Got it? Now
leave me alone until I'm out of friends, and then maybe I'll let you talk to me. Peace. I'm
out like trout. Blap Blap!"
At home, Bella makes lasagna with Jacob. If that doesn't scream, "We're dating now,"
nothing does. Sorry, Bella, but if you only liked Jacob as a friend, you shouldn't have
cooked with him. And I know that she did all the cooking while he hung out. But it's still
a flirty thing to do. Guys don't cook with friends. We joke with friends. We watch TV
with friends. We play sports with friends. We do not cook with friends, unless eating
cereal right out of the box is considered cooking. Next she'll invite him to prom, as
friends. And then they'll get married, as friends. And then they will go to couples
counseling, as friends. And then they will get divorced, as friends. Someone needs to take
this relationship to the next level, and since Bella is bug nuts crazy, Jacob needs to make
the first move.
On Saturday, he comes over again for another homework session. (Homework on a

Saturday? Losers.) After homework, when he's about to leave, Bella asks what time she
should come up to the garage. He acts a bit coy and says he will call her. Maybe he's
finally going to ask her out. Or maybe he can't tell time and doesn't want to look foolish
by saying, "Why don't you come up around quarter after thirty?"
The next morning, Bella is trying to get over the bad dream she had. This time in her
nightmare, she was lost in the forest near the Cullen house. Again, this is not very scary.
Add a screaming zebra and a nasty teacher forcing you to recite "Stopping By Woods on
a Snowy Evening" in the nude, and now you have a real nightmare.
Jacob calls and says that the bikes are finally finished. That was the reason he was acting
so sly yesterday. Bella is so excited that she rushes out of the house. She arrives at
Jacob's house and sees the two motorcycles, one red, one black, hidden under a tree. He
even tied a ribbon around the handlebars. You can't tie a ribbon around a lullaby. You
also can't drive a lullaby, or look good while straddling a lullaby. Just sayin'.
*cough*Jacob-is-better-than-Edward*cough*
After loading the bikes onto Bella's truck, the two head to an isolated area where Bella
can learn to ride. They drive by a cliff overlooking the ocean. A group of young men are
standing on the cliff and one of them leaps off. Bella screams and hops out of the car,
thinking the man just fell to his death. But Jacob laughs and explains that these guys are
cliff diving. (Note: Never invite the naïve, overreacting Bella to a magic show because
she will probably scream, "The rabbit!? Where the $#*% did the rabbit go! Call the cops!
This guy destroys rabbits with his mind!")
Bella is shocked that people would jump from such a high cliff. Jacob says he cliff dives
too, but not from up here. She demands to try cliff diving immediately. Bossy Bella
doesn't have much of an attention span, and has obviously forgotten why they came out
here in the first place. She's like a dog who chases after a stick, but halfway to the target,
decides he'd rather stare at you and pee.
He calms her down and tells her they can't dive right now because it's cold. She gets back
in the truck and continues to drive along the road. He says the cliff divers were the La
Push gang, and he doesn't seem to like them very much. (Finally, this chapter becomes
interesting.) The gang, which is lead by Sam Uley, acts as protectors of the local Native
American community. But there's something fishy about them.
Jacob says the gang is always showing off and acting tough. Sam is in his twenties and
still hangs out with teenagers, whom Jacob calls Sam's disciples. Jacob then gets quiet.
He doesn't like talking about the gang, or maybe he's a bit ticked off because he just spent
a lot of time and energy fixing Bella's motorcycles, when he could have pushed her off a
cliff instead and she would be just as happy.
They arrive at the secluded spot, and Jacob hauls the bikes off of the truck. He offers
Bella the red one, and now she's getting a little scared about riding it. Perhaps to buy
some time before actually hopping on the death machine, the nosy Bella pries more into
Jacob's hatred for Sam.
Jacob says Sam treats him oddly. Ever since he was young, no one cared much about
Jacob, even though his dad was, more or less, in charge of the reservation. But now
something has changed, and Sam seems very interested in him. Maybe Sam is forming a
bowling team and thinks Jacob has the skill needed to take team "Green Eggs and Sam"
to victory.
Jacob's friend Embry has become one of Sam's disciples, and it scares Jacob to think that
Sam has some sort of persuasive power over these guys. Embry missed a week of school,
and when he came back, he acted differently, like he was terrified of something. After
that week, Embry started hanging out with Sam and the gang. Jacob describes it as some
sort of cult.
He says the same thing happened to a guy named Paul. He went missing for a week, and
then came back as one of Sam's groupies. Now Sam is looking at Jacob funny, as if he's
next on the cult's membership list (or bowling team roster).
Bella asks if Jacob talked to his dad about this, and Jacob says his dad was not very
helpful, saying cryptic things like, "It's nothing you need to worry about now." I know the
feeling. I got similar advice when I asked my folks what's in pepperoni.
This part of the book is great. The cult is genuinely creepy. I'm assuming that these teens
go away for a week, turn into werewolves, and come back feeling scared and violated.
I'm also going to make an educated guess that Sam Uley isn't a nice guy, and might be the
villain of this book. That's too bad. I was really hoping that all werewolves were good
guys, in the same way that all firefighters, Marines, and Ghostbusters are heroes. Now I
only hope that if Sam is an evil werewolf, he's really, really mean, and not just some
hungry dude who has access to a ballet studio and a VCR.
Bella promises Jacob that everything will be OK, and that if things get bad, he can always
stay at Charlie's place. He hugs her, but she still thinks this is a friend hug, and not a
lover hug.
Bella, you idiot, kiss Jacob and marry him and have babies and live happily ever after as
a fun-loving motorcycle couple that bikes around the country solving crimes and going
above the law when the law just won't do. It would be the perfect life. Besides, Bella
Black sounds like a superhero (or a delicious energy drink) whereas Bella Cullen sounds
like a line of affordable undergarments: The Bella Cullen Collection.
Jacob stops being quiet, and his happy demeanor returns. They joke around about who is
older, and Jacob compares her pale skin to his darker skin, saying, "I've never seen
anyone paler than you…well, except for – ". He stops because he doesn't want to upset
her, but he was probably going to say "Edward," or "albino pigs."
They then get ready to ride the motorcycles.
Prediction: After riding bikes, Jacob finally builds up enough courage to ask Bella out.
He's been waiting for this moment for weeks, and memorized his carefully chosen words
perfectly. He opens his mouth and says, "Um…hey…um, Bell. I was thinking. I don't
know. Um…maybe, if you like to eat food. Do you think maybe we can eat food together
at, like, a restaurant…together? Alone? Um…No, I'm just kidding. [nervous laughter]
That was a funny joke, right? I really had you going, didn't I, buddy? Ha ha. I'm just
messing around. Let's go make lasagna and not kiss. Not kissing is my favorite!" He then
speed walks to the truck and doesn't say another word for the rest of the book.
Chapter Eight:
Adrenaline
Better Title: The
Adventures of Bossy
Bella and Jacob the
Shirtless Wonder
Bella is anxious to ride

her motorcycle for the
first time. Jacob makes
sure she knows where
the brakes, gear shifts,
and clutch are located
before letting her drive.
She's scared, but says
that she can do this
because she has already "lived through the worst thing possible." Worst thing possible?
Really? She better be talking about the time she stormed the beaches of Normandy on D-
day, or else her comment comes across as very naive. Breaking up with your boyfriend,
even if he sparkles, is not the worst thing in the world. There are far worse things that can
happen, such as:
Slowly dying from an incurable disease.

Watching a loved one perish after her scarf (which you bought her for Christmas) gets
caught in a helicopter propeller.
Losing the Olympic Marathon by three-tenths of a second.
Being buried (or eaten) alive.
Missing out on the factory tour because of your stupid peanut allergies.
Running out of food during the storm of the century and being forced to choose between
eating your cat, your dog, or your own fingers.
Getting a sunburn moments before going to a sweater party.
I let Bella off the hook a few chapters ago, so she could her have a sad moment. But this
is getting ridiculous, and borderline dangerous. Even if Edward does return, he probably
wouldn't want to date such a clingy, obsessive woman. Although it's tough to tell what
Edward would like. The dude writes lullabies and breaks into police officers' houses, so
who knows where his mind is at.
After reminding Bella to only use the hand brake and not the foot brake, Jacob starts the
bike with a kick. He then gives her the go-ahead to put the bike into first gear. As she lets
go of clutch, Dream Edward's voice haunts her again, saying, "This is reckless and
childish and idiotic."
Dream Edward is kind of a downer and a party pooper. The voice startles Bella and she
loses her balance, collapsing to the ground. Dream Edward's voice speaks again, saying,
"I told you so." So not only is Dream Edward a party pooper, he's also an annoying
know-it-all.
I realize it's still early in the story, and things will change, but I'm applying for
membership to Team Jacob. (I hope I get to be the goalie!) Comparing Jacob to Edward
is like comparing Indiana Jones to Frasier or comparing Brad Pitt to John Malkovich.
Who would want to hang out with an overprotective, prissy old man when they could
date a rugged, outgoing young guy like Jacob?
He runs to Bella's aid, but everything seems to be OK. She loves the hallucination and
wants to hear more from Dream Edward. She theorizes that Dream Edward is triggered
by a combination of danger mixed with adrenaline and stupidity. She's anxious to try
riding the motorcycle again, hoping Dream Edward will speak to her.
She tries to kick-start the bike herself, and after a few tries, it finally starts up. Jacob
reminds her to release the clutch gently. Before she does, Dream Edward speaks up
again, asking her if she wants to kill herself. She loves this voice, even if Dream Edward
is crabby. Dream Edward continues, "Go home to Charlie."
Because vampires have all sorts of touchy, emotional powers, I'm assuming that this
hallucination is actually Edward…or at least some magic spell he shoved into Bella's
soul. Or maybe, because Edward's name backwards is Draw De, and Bella's name ends
with a vowel, they can share thoughts on every second Wednesday of the month.
Whatever the (probably lame) reason is for the voice, Edward's acting like a bully. If he
were that concerned for her safety, he would just man up, come back to Forks, and encase
Bella inside a rubber room filled with foam peanuts, pillows, and low-fat low-sodium
foods.
Bella releases the clutch, hits the throttle, and soars down the road. The speed and wind is
exhilarating, but she is only in first gear, and wonders what the higher gears will feel like.
Dream Edward screams, "No, Bella! Watch what you're doing." He sounds like a rookie
kindergarten teacher during craft time.
Dream Edward's voice distracts her, and she doesn’t see the turn in the road coming up
ahead. She tries to brake, but forgets Jacob's warning about not using the foot brake. Her
sudden stop causes her to lose balance and she falls. Jacob comes yelling after her, and
grabs the bike that is pinning Bella to the ground. She seems OK, but she doesn’t realize
the crash caused a bad cut on her forehead.
Jacob says they need to go to the hospital, and Bella says if they do that, her dad will find
out about the motorcycles. She suggests they first go back to her house, where she can
change. And then they will go to the hospital and tell her dad that she just tripped in
Jacob's garage.
Bella lies a lot in these books. I don't even know if I can believe what she tells me. Maybe
she never even read Wuthering Heights. And when she told me about going to the love-
meadow with Edward, I bet she really just had sex with him in the back of his car behind
the gas station. He's probably not even a vampire, but just some moody pale kid. I'm on
to you, Bella Swan—if that really is your name. (I bet her actual name is something more
mundane, like Jen Smith, or something awful, like Beulah Cantankerous.)
To stop the bleeding, Jacob takes his shirt off and offers it as a makeshift bandage.
Shirtless Jacob then rides the motorcycle back to get Bella's truck. She finally begins to
see how handsome he is as he rides the motorcycle, looking sexy and strong, the wind
tugging at his long, luscious black hair. My, oh my. I had to fan myself while reading this
part or else I would have been overcome with the passion. (By the way, I'm straight. I
swear.)
Jacob hides the bikes and takes Bella back home. On the ride, she is elated with the
motorcycles and the fact that she can now summon Dream Edward's voice by acting silly
and reckless. At home, she changes clothes and washes up a bit. Shirtless Jacob then
drives her to the hospital. He doesn't seem to mind the cold January temperature.
She once again notices his strong, manly physique and asks him, "Did you know, you're
sort of beautiful?" He laughs and says that she hit her head too hard. He jokingly adds,
"Well, then, thanks. Sort of."
If Bella gave Edward the same compliment, he would reply, "'Tis but glamour, my love.
For to feast on the soul of men, my kind was cursed with the looks of an angel and the
appetite…of the devil. For this reason, we shan't be together. It's too dangerous, my lamb.
Here, I wrote you a nursery rhyme."
Bella gets some stitches, Charlie believes the fake story, and her nightmares are getting a
little easier to handle thanks to Jacob. But later in the week, she crashes the motorcycle
again, and she is taken to the doctor again. And she lies to her dad…again.
Bella and Jacob are worried that they won't be able to hide their new hobby from Charlie
much longer if they keep needing excuses for her hospital visits. Jacob thinks they should
take a break from motorcycles for a bit, and she agrees.
Instead of riding the bikes, Bella suggest they go hiking and search for Edward's
enchanted meadow. She wants to find this place again, hoping that it will activate Dream
Edward. But when explaining the meadow to Jacob, she leaves Edward out of it, because
she's a liar. She just tells Jacob that finding meadows is fun, and he believes her.
Even if she had brought up her ex-boyfriend, I bet Jacob would still agree to go with her.
He does whatever she says, and lets her walk all over him. Soon they will have the
following conversation:
BELLA: Hey friend, will you find an enchanted meadow for me? It's where Eddie and I
talked about passion and touched faces.
JACOB: You betcha!
BELLA: And then we can go to the town dump and look for any old Cullen trash that I
can lick?
JACOB: Sounds like a plan.
BELLA: And then we can break into his old house and I can sniff all the chairs he sat on.
JACOB: I'll bring sandwiches and we can make a day of it!
BELLA: You're such a great friend.
JACOB: I don't want to see you naked at all.
Bella prepares for the hike by buying new boots at the sporting good store, and wears
them without breaking them in. It's odd that Dream Edward doesn't scream, "You idiot!
You need to break boots in before hiking! You're such an idiot. You're going to get
blisters and the back of your ankle is going to get bloody. Is that what you want? Is it!? I
can't believe I dated you."
When it comes to searching for enchanted meadows, Jacob knows how to do it. He maps
out the area at home using a grid pattern. He jokes about seeing the big black bear, and
his dad just laughs it off. Billy isn't too worried about the bear, probably because the bear
is really a werewolf. Or Billy knows that if a big black bear does attack, amazing Jacob
could pin it to the ground with his awesome strength.
Bella and Jacob drive to the edge of the forest where they will begin their search for the
meadow. She is worried that seeing the meadow will make her crazy, but that's silly
because she's already crazy. It's like a guy who refuses to get out of the pool during a rain
storm because he doesn't want to get wet.
They begin hiking through the forest, and Bella feels bad about slowing Jacob down.
After a while, she asks how things are going between him and the recently werewolf-
erized Embry. Jacob says Embry is still acting odd, and is still part of Sam's cult. Sam
still looks at Jacob with an odd interest in his eyes, and Jacob's dad is still not very
helpful about the strange situation.
They joke for a bit about what would happen if Jacob had to sleep at Charlie's house, and
before they realize it, they have hiked six miles. Since they didn't find the meadow, and
it's getting dark, Jacob begins to lead them out of the forest. He says they will eventually
find the meadow if they keep using his grid system.
They joke about the prospect of seeing the big black bear, and Jacob kids that the bear
will eat Bella because she probably tastes good. She reminds us that Jacob isn't the first
person to tell her she tastes good. (But this time it was a joke and didn't seem icky.)
Prediction: After searching for a few days, Jacob and Bella locate the meadow of love.
There they find Edward caressing Bella's mom's face and saying, "You smell even better
then Bella, and you're much less whiny. Plus, you can buy me cigarettes…Oh crap! Hi
Bella. 'Sup Jacob? We were just…uh…planning Bella's surprise party, weren't we,
Rene?" Nine minutes of awkward silence follows.
Chapter Nine: Third
Wheel
Better Title: Everyone
Pukes
Bella's life is moving

ahead just fine. She
goes to school. She goes
to work. She hangs out
with Jacob. And nothing
seems to be disturbing
this boring pattern. But
she is still sad, and
describes her feelings
with stupid analogies,
saying she's like a moon
that was circling the planet Edward. With Edward gone, Moon Bella is orbiting an empty,
hollow area of space. The tear rolling down my check is not from sadness, but from
overexertion, because after reading this, I rolled my eyes harder than I should have
without stretching first.
As much as I like Jacob, I hope Edward returns soon so that Bella will quite acting like
she's dying. (And maybe he would bring Emmett back with him, and maybe Alice too…
and Batman.)
Bella's motorcycle skills have improved with practice, but the more proficient she
becomes, the less Dream Edward warns her that she's acting stupid. She still goes looking
for the enchanted meadow with Jacob, but she hasn't found it yet, and she desperately
wants to find a way to ignite the Dream Edward voice. So she tries to think up activities
that are scary and dangerous.
If she really seeks danger, instead of fooling around with motorcycles and love-meadows,
she should become an Alaskan king crab fisherman, an ice road trucker, a logger, a myth
buster, or any other profession that has its own reality show (except supermodel or
anything to do with cakes). Or she could start her own dangerous job, such as lion barber,
because then she could hear Dream Edward while starring in her own Discovery Channel
Show, "Lion Barber: Razors and Roars."
Time is passing, and Bella doesn't even realize it's Valentine's Day until Jacob gives her a
small box of conversation hearts. She feels bad about not getting anything for him, but he
says she can repay him by being his valentine for the day. They joke around a bit (as
friends), and Bella decides that today she wants to go hiking. He's fine with that (big
surprise) and suggests they ride motorcycles on Friday. But she says she's busy Friday.
Bella doesn’t see the love connection with Jacob, because she's a crazy fool. She wants
some space. You're never going to believe this, but she lies…again. To keep Jacob at a
safe, friendly distance, she pretends she has plans this Friday to see a movie with her
other friends. Uh-oh! This might get ugly. Good thing I'm wearing my "drama pants,"
because things between Bella and Jacob are about to get a little…dramatic.
He isn't too happy that she's dissing him. And after seeing his sad face, she invites him
along on the group date. So her plan to keep him at bay backfired because she can't stand
a gloomy Jacob…and because she secretly loves him. Hmm. I guess I didn't need to wear
my "drama pants" after all. Excuse me while I change back into my "boring mindless
chit-chat slacks."
She tells him to bring his friend Quil along too, and it will be a fun group night out. At
school, she needs to rally her friends to go out with her Friday. She makes the mistake of
inviting Mike first. He jumps to the conclusion that this is a date, and just as he's about to
go buy Bella an engagement ring, she once again shoots him down, saying that this is not
a date, but just a group of friends hanging out. She invites everyone else, but a few
people, such as Lauren and Jessica, can't make it because they hate her.
I'm still confused about why Jessica is so nasty. She was Bella's first friend, and now, just
because Bella likes to slowly walk toward bars in Port Angeles, she hates her. I hate Bella
too, but at least I have my reasons. (I hate people whose names are also stupid questions.
"Is a bell a swan?" Of course it isn't!)
The group is narrowed down to Angela, Ben, Mike, Jacob, Quil, and Bella. When Bella
gets home, Jacob is there with his car. He finally finished fixing his Rabbit. Bella offers
Jacob a high five, and after slapping her hand, he holds onto it for a bit, in a slightly
romantic way. Bella finally breaks free as Mike shows up at her house. Dammit Mike!
Things were just about to get a little PG-13 between Bells and Jacob, and you had to ruin
it.
Jacob and Mike don't get along. They don't hate each other the way Edward hates Mike
or the way I hate Greenland, but they're not going to be BFFs. Bella's phone rings and it
turns out that Angela and Ben can't make it because Angela has the stomach flu. Quil
couldn't make it either, so it looks like the date will consist of Mike, Jacob, and Bella. It's
a bit awkward, but they pile into the Rabbit and head to the deadly Port Angeles to see
the action movie "Crosshairs." (A movie that is not about angry rabbits. But change the
spelling slightly, and you have the title to the script I'm going to pitch to Pixar. So hands
off my pun!)
Mike sits in the back and doesn't say much. He's obviously upset at having to share Bella
with Jacob. He asks Jacob to put the radio on, and Jacob says that Bella doesn't like
music. We know she hates pop music because some songs remind her of Edward. Jacob
must have picked up on this, though she never mentioned to Jake how music makes her
feel. He's just an attentive guy who knows when not pry. It's also the reason he doesn't
ask her about Edward, or ask why she refuses to play baseball during thunderstorms.
Bella says the movie is nothing but blood and guts, and it's exactly what she wanted. But
Mike doesn't seem to like the movie. He stares off into space. Jacob doesn't like the
movie either, and keeps making witty comments about how awful the story and special
effects are. Bella is sitting between the two, and both guys have their hands palm-up on
the arm rest, just waiting for her to grab them. Or maybe they're simply checking to see if
it's raining inside the theater. Or were asking for spare change.
Halfway through the movie, Mike gets sick and runs out of the theater. It seems he caught
the stomach bug that's been going around. Bella and Jacob follow him out, and Jacob
checks on Mike in the men's room. He comes out saying that Mike might be in there for a
while. He calls him a marshmallow, which I guess means Mike is weak, or delicious.
Jacob sits on a nearby bench outside the theater and pats the seat next to him, inviting
Bella to sit. She does, and the suddenly self-assured Jacob puts his arm around her. She
protests, but he holds firm. Crap! Where are my drama pants?
He explains how he feels about her. He likes her…quite a bit. She isn't sure how to
respond. She admits that of all the people in Forks, he is the best guy around. And he's
happy with this. He knows that she is still in love with Edward, and he understands that
she doesn't want a boyfriend right now, but he's not going to stop feeling this way about
her.
Jacob notices the scar on Bella's hand from where James, the evil vampire, bit her. When
asked where it came from, she says she can't remember. (Again with the lies.)
Mikes comes out of the bathroom looking sick. He asks if they can leave, and they all
head out to the car. Jacob grabs a popcorn bucket in case Mike gets sick on the ride
home. They roll down the windows of the car as they drive, to give him some fresh, cold
air.
Jacob puts his arm around Bella to keep her warm, and she notices how hot (literally) his
skin is. She says Jacob is burning up, as if he has a fever. But he says he feels fine.
(Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!)
They get Marshmallow Mike home, and before leaving Bella at her house, Jacob says
that he's not feeling well. He doesn't feel sick, just strange. (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!) He
drives home, and Bella is worried about him. She goes inside to wait for his call, to make
sure he got home safely. While waiting, she wishes that Jacob were her brother, because
then she wouldn't have to worry about breaking his heart and could still be a big part of
his life. Plus, if she had a brother, she would have someone to fight with on family car
trips, instead of just arguing with the ashtray in the backseat.
When he doesn't call, she panics and calls his house. His dad, Billy, answers and says
everything is fine and that Jacob is just sick. Billy sounds strange and distant. Clearly
something is up (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!).
Bella goes to bed, but wakes up feeling sick (Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!). She got the stomach
virus too, and spends the rest of the night and much of the morning in the bathroom.
After 24 hours she feels a bit better (Not a wolf! Not a wolf! Not a wolf!), and calls Jacob
to check on him. He sounds odd, and says he feels horrible.
He doesn't have the stomach flu, but won't say exactly what's wrong. He warns Bella to
stay away and wait for him to call before she comes over. I'm thinking Jacob has become
a werewolf.
Prediction: Jacob isn't sure how to tell Bella that he turned into a werewolf. Finally he
does so in the classiest way possible by sending her the following text message: "Im
wereyolf. Not joke. Kiss me? CuL8r." He then mocks Eric by calling him a pie.
Chapter Ten: The
Meadow
Better Title: You
scream. I scream. We
all scream…for
werewolves.

Bella attempting to get
in touch with Jacob. She
keeps trying to...oh, the
heck with this. By the
end of the chapter there
are werewolves! Real
ones! And they are big,
and scary, and amazing,
and I want one! I would take it for walks and feed it children and everything! I would
name him Murphy and he would be amazing! Werewolves are awesome! So very
awesome! And they're as big as horses! And they eat vampires! And one of the wolves is
black, but some aren't black, and they are ferocious. And I wish I were a werewolf!
Sorry.
I had to get that out of my system or else I'd be fidgeting in my chair while writing this,
just itching to talk about werewolves. The chapter begins slowly, with Bella trying to
track down Jacob to make sure he's feeling better. When no one answers his phone, she
heads over to his house to check on him. But the house is empty. What's your favorite
color werewolf? Mine is gray! Or maybe brown! Oh man, I can't pick! So awesome!
Sorry. Sorry. I'll try to stay focused.
Out of desperation, she asks her dad to help her get some answers, and Charlie calls up
his friend Harry Clearwater, who tells him that Jacob has mono. Jacob's dad took him to
the doctor, and that's why their house was empty. Bella can't call him because they are
having problems with the phone lines. Jacob's dad says that Jake's too weak for visitors,
and since mono is a month-long ailment, this means Bella must go 30 days without a
drop of Jacob. I'm worried that her brain will melt from sadness. Or she'll turn into
Eeyore. But instead of being cute in a grumpy sort of way, this would be an Eeyore who
cuts himself.
Bella decides that she will let Jacob rest for a week, not a month, and then go check on
him and see what's really happening. By the way, if you got a saddle, you could probably
ride werewolves, and that would save gas and end our dependence on foreign oil. And
werewolves could eat burglars and chase away terrorists because werewolves are
astounding.
Without Jacob around, Bella's dreams are getting scary again, or "hard," as she describes
them. Does this mean her dreams are difficult to accomplish, or not easily chewable?
Sometimes Sam Uley is in her nightmares, but most of the time it's just Bella alone in the
woods. Werewolves live in the woods. But some probably live in houses. Murphy could
stay in my house if he promised not to get the rug dirty. And he could sleep on my couch
(the one I got from my pop-pop's house) because a werewolf wouldn't freak out about the
fact that my pop-pop died on that couch. Werewolves are never afraid! And when he was
in human form, we would play basketball and he would win because he has secret wolf
powers.
The loneliness has caused a hole in Bella's chest. Because of the wording, it sounds as if
she has real hole in her chest, which would be fun because on a windy day, she could
whistle without using her lips.
She tells us, "I wasn't handling alone well." It makes one wonder what she can handle
well. Bella overreacts. She treats every event in her life as if she's being eaten alive by
monkeys. If the ice cream store ran out of her favorite flavor, she would probably run into
the woods sobbing and compare herself to a burning orphanage. By the way, werewolves
are better than ice cream because ice cream couldn't help you if a king cobra was about to
strike. Plus, ice cream only lasts ten minutes at the most. Werewolves last forever.
Finally the week ends, and Bella's self-imposed Jacob ban is lifted. She rushes to call
him, and says that if the phone lines are still down, she will go over to his house. Nothing
can stop her from seeing him. Nothing! Except…
Jacob's dad answers the phone and says that Jacob didn't have mono, but some other,
short-term virus, and he's feeling better now. The excited Bella asks if she can see him,
but Billy says he's out with friends in Port Angeles. Uh-oh. Bella tries to hide her
sadness, and hangs up the phone. Werewolves don't get sad because they're too busy
eating vampires and keeping it real.
Bella's upset because Jacob didn't call her. And now she's at home, all alone. Or, as she
puts it, "I was lonely, worried, bored…perforated." Perforated? So that sentence could
also read, "I was lonely, worried, bored…lined with holes to allow for easy tearing."
Makes sense.
After getting off the phone, Bella tells Charlie that Jacob didn't have mono. Charlie
assumes that Bella will go over to Jacob's house, but she explains that he's busy. Charlie
asks if she's okay. He's clearly worried that Bella will become Eeyore again. But she
assures him that she's fine. To show her dad that she's not upset, she lies, because she's a
liar, and tells him that she will study with Jessica today.
Charlie, who's going fishing again, reminds Bella to stay out of the woods because there
have been more bear sightings, and even a missing hiker. Werewolves sometimes eat
innocent people, but that's okay. Volcanoes kill lots of innocent people, and volcanoes are
still terrific. Thus, werewolves are just like volcanoes, only better, because werewolves
can stalk silently, unlike noisy volcanoes. And werewolves are easier to pet.
With Charlie gone for the day, Bella tries to think of ways to pass the time. She tosses
around the idea of going to Jacob's house to get her motorcycle, but then reconsiders,
because if she crashes her bike, no one will be around to take off his shirt in a sexy,
manly way and then drive her to the hospital.
Instead, she decides to go looking for the hidden love-meadow again. She has the map
that Jacob made, and figures out how to use his grid system and the compass. She knows
that Charlie told her to stay out of the woods, but she doesn't listen. Just to recap Bella's
character traits: she is an unhappy, lying, overreacting, disobedient, whining braggart
who smells good and falls down often. Not since Hamlet has there been a character so
deep, and it's no wonder that all the boys in Forks are falling for her.
Bella starts hiking through the forest, but after awhile, she begins to have trouble
breathing. No, she's not out of breath because she's overexerting herself. Nor is she
recovering from a breath-holding competition. It seems that the figurative hole in her
chest, which was caused by sadness, has infected her lungs. Don't laugh. Pretend ailments
brought on by exaggerated emotions are silent killers. My uncle was killed when he got
so angry at the baseball umpire that steam shot out of his ears, critically scorching his
brain.
To get her lungs working again, Bella tries her hardest to think happy thoughts, and
destroy all the sad thoughts about Jacob and Edward. She hugs herself and tries to relax
as she walks. Sometimes I hike through the woods with my arms folded across my chest
too, but I do so with disdain, to show the squirrels that I don't agree with their lifestyle.
She continues hiking and eventually finds the meadow. And guess what. She doesn't like
it. For two pages Bella complains that the meadow makes her feel sad and lonely. She
collapses at the edged of the meadow and "gasps" either out of sadness or she read ahead
and knows werewolves are about to show up and she can't handle the excitement.
Sitting in the meadow, Bella is feeling sorry for herself, and just when I think this chapter
is going to be another Bella whine-a-palooza, Laurent pops up. Oh man. Things are about
to get so completely wonderful.
Laurent was the evil vampire from the last book, until he became less evil. He ditched his
evil leader James, but didn’t help the Cullens fight James either. So he's kind of a jerk
and a pansy—basically, he's Edward, but with less-crazy hair. Bella recognizes him from
across the meadow. He remembers her, and they have a tense conversation.
The last time we saw Laurent, he was heading to Tanya's vampire safe haven in Alaska.
But now he's back in Forks. He just stopped by the Cullen house, and when he saw they
had left, he was about to move on, but then he spotted Bella in the woods. He's surprised
that Carlisle didn't bring her along with them, since he thought Bella was the Cullen's pet.
(Murphy wouldn’t be my pet. He would be my equal.)
Bella gets a bit worried when she notices Laurent's eyes are still red. She thinks that good
vampires all have golden eyes, and hoped that after living with the good vampires,
Laurent's eyeballs would change color. If you think about this, Bella is prejudiced against
the red-eyed vampire population. Not cool, Isabelly. Not cool.
When Laurent asks if the Cullens ever come back to visit, Dream Edward whispers to
Bella and tells her to lie. (She shouldn't have a problem with that.) She says the Cullens
stop by every once and a while. But Laurent says the house felt as if it had been empty
for a long time. It's clear that he isn't such a nice guy. Dream Edward advises her to be a
better liar.
She changes the subject and asks about his trip to Alaska. He says he liked Tanya, and
Tanya's sister Irina. (Great, another name to keep track of. Is this Twilight, or Lord of the
freaking Rings?) But he had to leave because he couldn't follow Tanya's "don't eat
humans" rule.
Throughout the conversation, Dream Edward keeps giving Bella advice on what to say
and how to act, knowing that Laurent could pounce at any moment. Bella asks about
Victoria (finally!), the evil vampire from the last book who went missing and was never
mentioned again until now. Laurent is now working for Victoria, and that's why he came
to Forks. He's on a scouting mission, trying to find Bella for his new leader. He then says
that Victoria will be upset with him, because he's hungry and is going to kill Bella before
Victoria can even have a taste.
Quick, Bella. Let your hair down! It's your only hope.
Laurent makes a few sinister comments about how hungry he is. Dream Edward tells
Bella to beg for her life in a last ditch effort to stop Laurent from killing her. But Laurent
isn't persuaded.
Instead, he says Bella should be glad that he's going to kill her, because Vickie was going
to torture Bella before killing her. Dream Edward roars as Lauren approaches. Bella
squeezes her eyes shut and keeps repeating Edward's name in her mind. Before Laurent
sinks his teeth into Bella, he suddenly stops and looks off into the woods saying, "I don't
believe it." Oh man! Oh man! This is it! This is the best thing ever!
WEREWOLVES! Bella is shocked and terrified as a giant wolf emerges from the forest.
She describes the wolf as being the size of a horse. Then four slightly smaller wolves
follow the leader. The leader is black, and the others are different colors. I think the
reddish one is Jacob. They don't seem too concerned with Bella, and instead set their
sights on Laurent. There is no mention of jet-packs, so either these wolves don't have
them, or we're just to assume they are wearing them.
Laurent is scared and begins backing away. Dream Edward tells Bella to remain perfectly
still. Bella gasps, and the reddish wolf turns to look at her in a strange way. Laurent then
tries to run away, and the wolves chase after him into the forest, leaving a bewildered,
scared, and lucky Bella alone. (I was expecting her to go off on another, "Why did the
vampire and wolves leave me? I hate being alone. No one likes me" rant.)
That's all the werewolf action we get in the chapter. But it was great to finally see them.
And they saved the day! They aren't what I pictured in my mind (I was thinking more of
wolf-man looking creatures), but this is pretty cool too, even if it means I'll have to
rework my fan-fiction novella, currently titled "Werewolf Jacob Easily Opens Jars."
Bella doesn't understand why Laurent would be so frightened of big dogs. In her mind,
the wolves were no match for Laurent's speed, strength, and teeth. But this is because she
is dumb and doesn't know that they weren't just big dogs. They were werewolves!
She doesn't make the connection between these wolves and the stories about werewolves
that Jacob told her in the first book. This is odd, because you'd think after seeing gigantic
wolves chase a vampire, you'd put two and two together and realize that they were
werewolves. It's like someone telling you that the tooth fairy is real, and then, when you
see a glowing, winged woman put a dollar under you pillow, you just assume it's your
mom's friend Linda stealing teeth.
Bella gets up and hurries out of the forest, fearful that the wolves will return and eat her.
It's later than she thought, and when she gets home, her dad is waiting for her. He's
shocked to see her covered in mud and looking haggard, and Bella, for the first time in
her life, decides to tell the truth (well, most of the truth.)
She admits to going hiking in the woods and says she saw the giant creature. She tells her
dad it's not a bear, but a wolf, and it's not just one wolf, but five wolves. Charlie calls the
police station to let them know about the wolves, and then talks with Bella again. He says
he saw Jacob today at the store. He waved to him, but he didn't wave back; he was busy
arguing with one of his friends.
Bella assume that Jacob was yelling at Embry for joining Sam Uley's gang. She's glad
that Jacob finally confronted Embry, and thinks this was why he didn't call her. He
needed to handle this on his own. So she's less mad at him.
But Bella is now worried about Victoria, and what would happen if she came to her
house. To help herself relax, she thinks about the giant wolves and how scared they made
Laurent. She hopes that the wolves killed him, because then Victoria will never know that
Bella was left unprotected by the Cullens.
The thought of being tortured by Victoria causes Bella to scream into her fist, and the
chapter ends.
Prediction: Bella is still left alone, but rides her motorcycle anyway. Suddenly Dream
Edward shouts at her for being stupid. But then Dream Jacob tells Dream Edward to back
off. The following conversation takes place in Bella's head.
DREAM EDWARD: Hey, Dream Jacob, this isn't any of your business.
DREAM JACOB: Well, I'm making it my business.
DREAM EDWRAD: Oh yeah?
DREAM JACOB: Yeah!
DREAM EDWARD: [Slaps Dream Jacob]
DREAM JACOB: [Punches Dream Edward in the neck.] How do you like me now?
Huh? Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought, punk.
DREAM EDWARD: Ugh.
DREAM MIKE: Hey guys, what's going on? Bella, I was wondering if you'd like to go to
the movies…
Dream Edward and Dream Jacob then take turns beating up Dream Mike.
Chapter Eleven: Cult
Better Title: Jacob the
Jerk
Bella is dealing with a

lot right now. When not
fretting about Victoria,
she's crying over Jacob's
absence. She even tells
us, "I missed him
horribly." At first I feel
bad for her, but then I
remember she rejected
Jacob's romantic
advances at the movie
theater. Bella is really
confusing. She's like a friend who says she hates softball, but then, when no one asks her
to play on the softball team, she gets bummed out and cries.
She tries to call Jacob. When no one answers, the ever-rational Bella decides to call him
every half hour until it's time for bed. But still no one answers. It's clear that the Blacks
do not want to talk to her…or they are all taking a very long, relaxing bath.
With Victoria on the prowl, it's not safe for Bella to drive up to La Push by herself to
check on Jacob. So all she can do is wait.
Call me crazy, but if a super-powered evil vampire was coming to get me, I might make a
call up to Alaska and find Tanya and tell her what's going on. Or I'd write a note that
reads, "Victoria's trying to kill me. Help me, Edward!" tie it to a helium balloon, and
release it into the air while wishing with all my might that it reaches Edward. (I used a
similar method on my 5th birthday when I wanted a pet cloud.)
While driving home from school, things suddenly click in Bella's mind. She finally
realizes that Jacob wasn’t sick at all, but instead has been taken in by Sam Uley's cult.
She's worried and desperately wants to see him.
She decides that she needs to rescue Jacob from Sam, even if Victoria is stalking her. She
says she might need to kidnap Jacob because he may have been brainwashed by Sam. It's
funny that she sees brainwashing as a bad thing. She was in the Cult of Edward, and was
brainwashed by his beauty and breath, but I guess that type of brainwashing is okay
because Edward sparkles and has dreamy eyes and drives fast.
Before heading out, she decides to call her dad at the police station to warn him about
Sam Uley and let him know what happened to Jacob. At first, Charlie acts very
professional, especially when Bella tells him that Jacob is in trouble. But once she says
the bad guy is none other the Sam "I save daughters" Uley, Charlie acts more like a dad
and says Bella is just being silly, because Sam Uley is a great guy.
Remind me if I ever find out that Tom Hanks is secretly killing baby seals not to go to
Chief Swan, because Charlie doesn't arrest nice guys. Actually, scratch that. The chances
of me finding Tom Hanks in the act of killing seals is, like, 10 to 1. And the chance of me
trying to report such a crime to a fictional character is even greater. Plus, it's probably out
of Chief Swan's jurisdiction. Still…you never know.
Bella pleads with her dad to investigate, but Charlie doesn't buy her story. She tells us,
"My voice was starting to sound whiney." Starting to sound whiney? There must have
been an error at the printers, because this sentence should have appeared in book one,
paragraph two.
Charlie doesn't listen to her, and mentions he's very busy with another wolf attack. Bella
is surprised, as she thought Laurent must have killed the wolves. But since the wolves are
still eating hikers, we're not sure what happened between Laurent and the animals.
Maybe he simply ran away. Or the wolves ate him. Or Laurent bumped into Emmett in
the woods. I like to believe that Emmett is hiding in the forest wearing camouflage and
face paint. And the scared Laurent looked at Emmett and said, "You have to save me
from the wolves!" Emmett then removed Laurent's head with one clean punch and
whispered, "Consider yourself saved." At least that's what would happen in my version of
the story. I miss Emmett…and Conner.
Bella drives to La Push, determined to wait for Jacob even if it takes all night. On the
way, she spots Quil, they talk for a while, and she gives him a ride home. I hope this
section wasn't important, because I didn't pay attention.
After dropping Quil off at his house, Bella drives to Jacob's house and waits. Billy looks
at her from his front window, but she doesn't budge. Finally Jacob shows up…and he's a
jerk. I no longer want to join Team Jacob. I now want to join Team Emmett, Team Alice,
or Team Bella's Truck.
Jacob is mean and aggressive. He's not the Jacob Black that I feel in love with (in a
heterosexual kind of way. I swear!). He's even bigger than before, with a harder face and
short cropped hair. He walks up to the truck and curtly asks what Bella is doing here.
Sam and the other cult members are with him. Bella is taken aback by his new
appearance and attitude, and isn't sure what to say. I'd start by saying, "Dude?!" And then
repeat as necessary in varying tones until I get all my answers.
Bella says she wants to talk to him, but her voice is tiny and weak. He doesn't move and
tells her to get on with it. She gets angry and says she wants to talk to him alone. He turns
to the others and speaks in their Native American language, and the other guys go inside
(presumably to floss out dead hiker from their teeth).
With Sam and the cult member gone, Jacob relaxes a little, but is still angry. Bella and
Jacob take a walk, and he says, "Let's get this over with." This is not Jacob. It can't be.
This is probably just some mean guy who kidnapped him and used that Polyjuice potion
from the Harry Potter books to disguise himself as Jacob. Please let that be the reason
he's acting like an ass. (I even wrote this on a helium balloon and set it free while wishing
with all my might. I also wished for a pet cloud, again.)
Jacob explains that the situation with Sam is not bad, and that he was wrong about him.
Sam is a great guy and is helping Jacob. So Bella's concern over Sam's cult is not
necessary. Sorry, but that's not a good enough explanation, Mr. Black.
Bella demands to know what's going on, but Jacob says he can't explain it to her. She
starts crying. She's worried that Sam did something to Jacob. He tries to reassure her that
he's fine, and that she shouldn't blame Sam. She asks if Sam isn't the reason, then who is
responsible for this sudden change? Jacob says it's the Cullens' fault, though he calls them
"those filthy, reeking, bloodsuckers that you love so much."
I'm not a huge Cullen fan, but they always seemed very hygienic, so I'm not sure Jacob's
adjectives are justified. Perhaps he should have referred to the Cullens as "those well-
dressed, wealthy, very white, handsome, non-scary bear killers that you love so much."
Question: Why do both werewolves and vampires need to live in the same small town? Is
there a tax incentive for monster residency? Does the water in the town taste like Swedish
Fish? Because then I'd understand. But this rivalry seems silly, considering both groups
could just move away. (The werewolves could stay with me until they found a place of
their own. I'll make them spaghetti and we could stay up late watching LOST on DVD!)
Bella is taken aback by the accusation. She loves the Cullens so much that she can't
understand why anyone would hate them, blame them for anything, or call them names.
She wants to know more, but Jacob is acting strange and angry at the mention of the
vampires. She asks if he suddenly believes his grandfather's stories, and he says he was
wrong to even question those legends. At this point, if Bella doesn't understand that Jacob
is a werewolf, she is the dumbest character in literature, next to the deadly boulder from
The Lord of the Flies. (And even that boulder had a better personality.)
Bella is furious. She says that Jacob is silly for falling for superstitions, and even if the
Cullens were cruel to the Native Americans, the family left months ago. Jacob says they
know the Cullens left, but something happened that cannot be stopped. How cryptic!
Something that cannot be stopped? Hmm. Maybe he's talking about a neverending war
between werewolves and vampires…or a Slinky placed on an escalator.
Bella keeps asking questions, and Jacob is getting visibly perturbed at the vampire talk.
Dream Edward's voice haunts Bella's head again, warning her to be quiet and not push
Jacob too much. She doesn't understand that warning, because she can't imagine how
Jacob could be dangerous.
Jacob turns to head back to the truck, and she tries to talk with him, but he says she
should go home and that he can't hang out with her anymore. She asks if he is breaking
up with her, even though they never dated.
He says this isn't a breakup, because if that were true, they could still be friends. He can't
be friends with her at all. Bella is crying and doesn't know what to say. She thinks this is
all her fault because she pushed him away at the movie theater.
She starts to babble about how she's sorry that she doesn't think of him in a romantic way,
but maybe someday she will, although we all know the only way she'll smooch Jacob is if
Edward dies. Jacob starts saying that he's no good for her. (She's a sucker for that kind of
pillow talk.)
He tries to calm her down, and says it wasn't her fault. He adds, "I'm not good." Oh my
god! Bella should marry him right now! He's just like Edward, and now he's even moody
and talks about dangerous relationships. Add a wig and an amazing older brother and
Jacob could be Edward.
Bella yells and cries, and Jacob runs into the house, leaving her in the rain. Eventually,
she leaves and thinks about sadness and gloomy things on the ride home.
She thought that Jacob was the plug that could fill the make-believe hole in her chest
caused by Edward, but in truth, he carved another hole, and now Bella compares herself
to Swiss cheese. I liken her to a Connect Four board or one of those games at family-
friendly restaurants where you have to jump over pegs. (The trick to that game, by the
way, is to always start from the lower edge, and then cheat.)
At home, Charlie says Billy told him that she had a fight with Jacob. But Bella tells him
what really happened: Sam is evil and did something to Jacob, and now Jacob can't see
her anymore. Charlie isn't sure who to believe, and Bella goes upstairs to take a shower.
After the shower, she hears Charlie on the phone, talking to Billy. It looks like good ol'
Charlie is trying to win the father of the year award because he not only believes Bella,
but is willing to shout at his friend Billy to get to the bottom of things. It's nice to see
Charlie act tough.
We only hear one side of the conversation, but it appears that Billy is blaming all the
drama on Bella. And Charlie doesn't believe a word of it. He says that he and the other
police officers will be keeping a close eye on Sam and the cult members. After that
conversation, Charlie has risen on my list of favorite characters, beating out Rosalie and
whoever the hell Ben is.
Bella crawls into bed and has a dream about Jacob in which he transformers into Edward.
She wakes up in the middle of the night and hears a noise at her window. Someone or
something is trying to get in!
Prediction: Victoria crashes into Bella's room. Dream Edward speaks, saying, "Bella!
Hurry! You need to…hmm. Well maybe if you…Actually, I got nothing. Sorry kid,
you're going to die. Later! By the way, I made out with Jessica last year after we had one
of our fights. I grabbed her butt too. It meant nothing. I thought you should know. Adios,
Lamb."
Just as Vickie is about to bite Bella, a pack of werewolves saunter out of Bella's closet
and chase Victoria away.
Chapter Twelve:
Intruder
Better Title: Jacob's a
werewolf. Bella's a
forgetful idiot.
After the exciting setup

from the previous
chapter, it's a bit
disappointing when
Victoria doesn't smash
through Bella's window.
Instead, it's just Jacob
scratching to get in.
He's hanging outside on
a tree, trying to get her
attention. When she asks what he's doing, he says he's trying to keep his promise. Could
it be that he isn't a jerk anymore? Is he back to being awesome and Emmett-esque?
He warns her to step back, and flings himself into her bedroom through the open window.
After making a perfect landing, he smiles to himself. Bella doesn't like this new, cocky
Jacob and yells at him to get out of her room. He says he came to apologize. I knew he
couldn't be that evil! Welcome back, Jacob! Please disregard everything I wrote about
you in the previous post.
Jacob isn't wearing a shirt. This is the second time in the book he's described as shirtless.
Although to be fair, he may have been shirtless throughout the entire book. Meyer never
says, "And then Jacob did some stuff while wearing a shirt." I suppose female readers
like this shirtlessness, but I don't. It makes me nervous. What if he catches a cold, or sits
on a sticky vinyl chair and needs to get up suddenly? And I don't want him crying to me
if he gets a nasty sun or moon burn on his back.
Bella tries to push him away, and notices that his skin is still feverishly warm. So
werewolves are the opposite of vampires. Vamps have cold skin. Werewolves have hot
skin. Vampires wear shirts. Werewolves do not. Vampires run away from an evil
vampire. Werewolves run towards an evil vampire. Vampires are stupid. Werewolves are
fantastic. I bet werewolves write thrash-metal songs instead of lullabies and say
"Goodbye" when they answer the phone. It all makes sense.
Bella's emotional adventures of the past few days, coupled with her lack of sleep and fear
of Victoria, mean she is not in the best of moods. Jacob tries to talk to her, and she backs
up, eventually falling onto her bed. When he asks if she's OK, she yells, "Why in the
world would I be okay, Jacob?" I kind of agree with her. She's had a rough week, and he
should have brought her a present, such as fudge or a greeting card that plays a 15-second
loop of "We Will Rock You."
Jacob then offers a sincere apology even if Bella is unwilling to accept it. He wants to
explain what happened tonight, but for some reason he can't. She asks why he has to be
so secretive, and he tries to tell her, but can't get the words out, either because he's sworn
to secrecy or because he has trouble saying "werewolf" without giggling with excitement.
I know how that feels.
He says this secret is really big and important, and hopes that she can understand,
because she has been keeping a secret about vampires for over a year. She still doesn't
comprehend that he is a werewolf. Darn it, Bella. Use your brain! I haven't been this
frustrated since I tried to explain Twitter to my 4-year-old cousin. (He kept arguing that
Twitter will just add to the problem of a misinformed society and would never replace
true journalism. Then he ran away screaming, "I'm gonna catch caterpillars!")
Since Jacob cannot tell Bella this secret, he tries to make her guess what it is. He wants
her to remember their conversation from last year, when he told her about vampires and
werewolves. She remembers the conversation, but only focuses on the vampires, either
because she's so tired, or because she's a moron.
There must be a reason why Jacob can't tell her the truth, but he could use some other
method to pass along the info. For instance, he could point to a war, and then point to a
wolf. And keep doing this until Bella got what he was driving at. Or, he could simply tell
her all the types of monsters that he isn't, and hopes she figures it out through process of
elimination. It would take a while, especially if you consider various types of aliens to be
monsters, but it just might work.
Bella goes over last year's conversation, remembering how they talked about Edward and
ancient legends. Jacob keeps pushing her to remember more of their talk. But she is
getting angry, and doesn't feel like taking a Jacob Quiz right now.
I may have mentioned this in another post, but when I was young, my brother told me
warthogs lived in the cornfield and would eat my toes if I ventured into the field. I knew
he was lying. But if today someone said to me, "Hey Dan, nice shirt. By the way, do you
remember what your brother…" I would cut him off and say, "Is this about the toe-
gobbling warthogs?" You don't forget strange stories, and Bella should realize what Jacob
is hinting at.
Jacob gets the feeling that this is going nowhere, and says maybe the memory will come
back to her later. She asks if he can ever leave this secret life, and he says that's
impossible because it's a lifetime membership, and it could last longer than that. Oh. My.
God! Do you know what this means? ZOMBIE WEREWOLVES! Happy Birthday to
me!
Since no real information is getting divulged, and Bella is about to pass out form lack of
sleep, Jacob leaves. Before jumping out of the window, he tells her that he snuck out to
see her, but will have to admit what he's done to the others when he returns. She says she
hates Sam, and Jacob once again defends him, saying he's a good dude. He says all five
members of the cult are pretty cool, even Embry. He's about to something negative about
Paul, another cult member, but remains quiet. (Maybe Paul smells, or says "p'sghetti"
instead of "spaghetti.")
Bella asks why, if these guys are nice, do they forbid Jacob from seeing her. And he says,
"It's not safe." Or rather, he "mumbled" this. It's no secret that Stephenie Meyer loves to
use the words "murmured" and "mumbled" to attribute dialogue. I guess people in Forks
have weak, lazy lips. At first it didn't bother me, but now I notice it so much that it's
distracting. I'll have to go through the other books, cross out these silly words, and
replace them with the clear-cut "said" or the technical "orated," or the fun-to-say
"prattled," or the even-more-fun-to-say (and yes, it's a real word) "bloviated."
Despite the danger, Jacob says he had to see her again because after they saw the movie
with Marshmallow Mike, he promised Bella that he would never hurt her. Then, after
their fight/talk earlier, he felt bad for acting so mean and awful. So he came to apologize
and tried to let her know what was happening. But Bella is stupid and can't figure it out.
He continues to bloviate, saying he'll try to see her again soon, even if the others try to
talk him out of it. He says that once she figures out his secret, she should come and tell
him…if she wants to. This last bit confuses her. Why would she not want to see him after
his secret is revealed?
He won't give any hints, and says that if she doesn't want to see him after figuring
everything out, she can call him instead. He hugs her tightly, and leaves.
Since she doesn't realize he's a werewolf, I wonder what Bella thinks his secret is. Given
the clues (acting strange, being dangerous, hanging out with Sam), perhaps she thinks he
is:
A drug user
A Wererhino
A drug dealer
A moody creep
A young actor trying to prepare for his role as a werewolf
Annoying
A robot who is trying to feel love despite his cold, procedural programming
A ghost
Acting strange because some guys don't know how to relax around women.
Bella then has another dream. This dream is just like her first nightmare from the last
book, where Jacob warns her about Edward. Then Dream Jacob turns into a wolf. Bella
wakes up screaming and begins to piece things together.
She remembers the full conversation she had with him last year, when he told her that his
relatives were descendents of wolves, and that some of these men can transform into
wolves. She also remembers that the werewolves have only one enemy, the cold ones
(a.k.a. Pretty Night Things That Bite).
Bella doesn't know what to think. She can't believe that Jacob is a real werewolf. How
could two mythical monsters live in the same town? (Though I long suspected that my
town was filled with both evil elves that look like chipmunks, and nasty leprechauns that
look like mailboxes.) She always knew that Edward wasn't a normal human. He was too
handsome and perfect. But she never noticed anything supernatural about Jacob, so this
news is even more shocking.
Though it's early in the morning, she needs to see Jacob and tell him that she figured it
out. She rushes out the door past a confused Charlie, but he stops her, mentioning that
there has been another wolf attack, and this time an eyewitness saw the wolf.
The rise in wolf attacks has caused a panic, and a reward has been offered for any dead
wolf. Charlie says he needs to help search for the wolves, plus he's worried that there will
be too many angry hunters out there and wants to make sure there are no accidents. This
is just like Jaws, only less exciting and not as influential on young filmmakers.
Charlie leaves, and Bella doesn't know what to do. Should she go tell her dad about
werewolves? Should she warn Jacob that everyone is looking for wolves? Since she
doesn't understand werewolf rules, she's not sure why they eat people. Do they hunt for
food or because they liked to kill? Can werewolves ever be good? (No. They can be
great!)
She thinks back on how Carlisle had to struggle with his diet for centuries until he could
control it. And now she doesn't know if protecting the werewolves is a smart move. Silly
Bella, werewolves don't need protection. That's like trying to save Superman from a bee
sting. The chapter ends with Bella trying to decide what to do.
Prediction: For his birthday, Bella gives Jacob a T-shirt. He looks at and says, "Great! I
always wanted a pillow case with far too many openings. Thanks, Bella!" He then oils up
his chest to get ready for their ski trip.
Blogging New
Moon: Part 13
Chapter Thirteen:
Killer
Better Title: Attack of the
Misunderstanding
There are no werewolves

in this chapter, and I'm
starting to worry that I
read the best part of this
book already. I was
tempted to go back and
re-read Chapter Ten and
blog about the werewolf
scene in the meadow one
more time. But then I'd be no closer to finishing the series, and if I complete these blogs
by 2010, SparkNotes is going to throw me a rollerskating party. (Which is an odd choice,
since I can't rollerskate. But I just love the up-tempo music and walking around public
places in my socks.) So, to keep things moving, here's another chapter where Bella frets
for twenty pages.
Bella is on her way to warn Jacob that everyone in town is hunting wolves. She's still not
sure that protecting werewolves is the best thing to do. If Jacob is a killer, then she will
end the friendship. But she wants to see him in person to get this sorted out.
She arrives at his house, and Billy is surprised to see her. She doesn't come right out and
say, "I know about the werewolves, Billy Boy." Instead, she tells him about the wolf hunt
that's going on. He seems to understand the subtext and tells her that Jacob is sleeping in
his room. One more reason why werewolves are better than vampires: They sleep. Things
that sleep include astronauts and doctors who cure people. Things that don't sleep include
filing cabinets and bacteria (presumably). So you tell me which group is better.
Bella opens the door to Jacob's room and sees him, still shirtless, stretched out across his
bed. Because he looks so peaceful, she doesn't bother waking him. That's a good idea,
because even though I'm not a werewolf (yet), sometimes I growl and slash about when
woken up early. I also bite the air ferociously with little regard for a person's innocence.
Don't believe me? Ask my alarm clock when it returns from the clock hospital.
Bella leaves, asking Billy to let Jacob know that she'll be down at the beach waiting for
him. She drives to the beach and walks around nervously. Eventually, Jacob shows up,
and she tells him she figured it all out, as if she's some sort of remedial Sherlock Holmes.
He's glad that she finally figured out his secret, but he senses some apprehension in her
voice. She's obvious not glad that Jacob is a werewolf. He says she could have simply
called him, but she says it's better to talk in person. Bella is about to warn him there are
wolf hunters in the woods, but he cuts her off. He already knows about the hunters, and
tells her not to worry about it because werewolves are astonishing and can take care of
themselves. By the way, if Pretty Night Things That Bite are so great, why don't you ever
hear about seeing-eye vampires? Just throwing that out there…
Jacob says the hunters are making things more difficult, and that soon, these people will
go missing too, just like the hikers. Bella gets upset. To clear things up, they are talking
about two separate things. Much of this chapter is one big misunderstanding, and is like
something you'd see on a poorly written sitcom.
Bella is under the impression that the werewolves are killing the hikers. Jacob knows that
the werewolves are actually trying to protect innocent people, and that something (or
someone) else has been killing the hikers, but he's angry because Bella is making it sound
as though she hates werewolves. Instead of simply writing that, Stephenie Meyer toys
with the reader for three pages of confusing dialogue.
The only fun part of this back-and-forth comes when Bella yells at Jacob for being a
killer, and he responds with, "Well, I'm so sorry that I can't be the right kind of monster
for you, Bella. I guess I'm just not as great as a bloodsucker, am I?" I high-fived the book
after reading that. I've read in the comments that in a later book, my admiration for Jake
might dwindle because he does something bad. But unless he starts beating up babies or
making fun of people who can't rollerskate, I can't imagine turning in my Team Jacob
membership badge, sash, and tiara.
Because Bella is talking trash about werewolves, Jacob gets angry during this confusing
conversation. Dream Edward's voice once again warns Bella to keep Jacob calm. But
then Jacob realizes that Bella isn't upset at the werewolves, but instead is upset at the
mystery killer (whom she assumes is a werewolf). Jacob hugs her tightly.
He starts to laugh, and tells Bella that he's not the killer. He explains that the werewolves
are protectors and that they are trying to track down the real killer, but have been
showing up too late at the crime scenes. (That would explain the wolf prints and the
eyewitness testimony.)
He says the only reason werewolves exist is to protect people from vampires. Bella
realizes if there isn't a giant bear killing people in the woods, and if the werewolves are
good guys, then the real killer is a vampire.
She first suspects Laurent, but Jacob just laughs, saying one puny vampire is no match
for a pack of werewolves, and that they killed Laurent easily. Of course, we don't get to
see the actual fight, but in my mind, it's in glorious slow-motion during a midnight
snowstorm and the scene is accompanied by a lush Beethoven symphony and the
soothing rumble of jet pack engines.
He was happy to kill the vampire that was going to kill Bella, and doesn't think this
makes him a murderer because vampires aren't people. I don't consider myself a murder
either, since I only kill bugs and vampires that have taken the shape of bugs.
Bella is shocked that the wolves not only ate Laurent, but that it was easy for them to do
so. In her mind, nothing could kill vampires because they are too pretty and special and
super-duper. She's so happy that Laurent is dead, and she no longer needs to worry about
her and her dad's safety.
Jacob puts his amazing arm around Bella and tells her that werewolves are pretty tough.
Since werewolves are super great and strong, Bella wonders why Jacob warned her last
night that things were not safe. He says he was worried about losing his temper, and that
if he gets too angry he could turn into a werewolf and then gobble up Bella in fit of rage.
She says she thought werewolves were only activated during a full moon, and Jacob says
that's just a Hollywood story.
If you read or watch any vampire or werewolf story made in the past twenty years, there's
always a scene like this, where the monster explains the rules and says that Hollywood
movies and horror novels are always wrong. But if that's true, than this book would be
wrong as well, since it too is a story. How are we ever to know what the real rules of
vampires and werewolves are, if the books and movies keep telling us lies? This is what I
call the Modern Monster Paradox, and it will be the subject of a paper I'm submitting to
major philosophy journals around the world.
Jacob then reassures Bella that he will take care of the problem and he and the other
werewolves are keeping an eye on Charlie. This news doesn't make Bella feel any better,
because it means there is still a vampire out there. And since Laurent is now wolf poop,
the monster still lurking in the forest is none other than the evil Victoria.
Jacob says that Victoria's attack pattern is unusual, as if she's trying to test the
werewolves' defenses. She keeps running away and coming back. The werewolves aren't
sure what her motives are. The thought of Victoria prowling the forest, trying to find a
way to get to Bella, makes Bella nearly pass out. She almost falls on the ground, but
Jacob grabs her and asks what's wrong.
She explains who Victoria is, and tells Jacob that the Cullens killed her mate James last
year and now Victoria wants revenge. But Victoria doesn't know that Edward and Bella
broke up, and that she's all alone now (unless Vickie is secretly Marshmallow Mike in
disguise).
Jacob says this news is wonderful, because now the werewolves have some solid
information on the enemy. He needs to tell the other werewolves, and leaves Bella alone
for a minute while he darts into the woods. While he's busy in the woods, Bella worries
about Victoria and thinks the vampire would destroy Jacob, despite his werewolf powers.
I'm confused again. (Big surprise, right?) Why does Bella assume Victoria is some sort of
super vampire? In the last book, Vickie was second in command after James. James was
more powerful than most vampires because he was a tracker, but even he was killed
thanks to Emmett and Jasper. Victoria is just a normal vampire. Bella never saw Victoria
do anything special, like eat a whale or fight an Emmett. So why is she so scared? The
werewolves ate Laurent without a problem, so Victoria should be no different. Does
Victoria have a missile launcher? Can she transform into a tornado? What's the big deal?
Jacob returns to a petrified Bella. He tells her not to worry, but she can't help it. She asks
why he went into the woods just now, and he says he had to turn into a wolf to call the
others. Werewolves can read each other's minds, but only when in wolf-form. Mind
reading? Again? The only reason Stephenie Meyer uses mind reading powers and future
predicting abilities is because it's easier than trying to write realistic solutions to
problems. Good idea. I'm going to use similar writing tricks when I write my teen horror
romance story, tentatively titled Early Evening. Here's a sample:
Tracy was scared, but the mighty wererhino Lan Lergstein, who was strong, galloped up
beside her and said, "Don't fear, for I used my ability to predict the future to figure out
where the gang hideout is located. Then, using my mindreading abilities, I learned the
location of the secret formula. After that, I used my x-ray eyes to find danger and then
defeated the danger with my strength. Also, my ability to communicate with plants came
in handy when I was trapped inside a giant, plant-filled cage. So basically, you're safe
forever. Now let's grab some jet pack fuel and soar away majestically." The End
You can write your way out of any conflict if you just throw in some super powers.
Powers make everything great. War and Peace would be significantly shorter (and better)
if Napoleon could read minds and run fast. (Full disclosure: I've never read War and
Peace, and there's a slight chance that in the story, Napoleon can read minds and has
super speed.)
Jacob says he's taking Bella to meet Sam. He kept his wolf message short, because if Sam
found out that he was bringing Bella, he would probably order him to leave her out of
this. Bella doesn't understand why Jacob must follow Sam's orders, but Jacob reveals that
since Sam is the leader of the pack, the other wolves must do as he says. This is why he
couldn't tell Bella his secret last night.
Apparently, there are a lot of wolf rules, such as following the leader, and Jacob is still
learning the ropes.
Since full moons don't trigger the change, how do these wolves activate their powers? Is
there a certain muscle you need to flex? What if I'm a werewolf and I just don't know it
yet? What if all I need to do to become a werewolf is flex my calf muscle in a secret way
and then POOF, I'm a wolf? Now I'm looking at my calves with a mixture of fear and
excitement. Hold on. Let me try something.
Damn. Nothing happened. But now my legs hurt and I have headache. Maybe the process
takes time, and I will become a wolf slowly, over the next fifteen to twenty years. I'll
keep you updated.
Bella asks if Sam will be angry that she tagged along, and Jacob says he probably will be,
but the pack needs the inside scoop on Victoria, so Sam will have to listen. They arrive at
the meeting spot and talk about Edward for a bit. The other werewolves show up and
Bella is nervous.
Prediction: The werewolves kill Victoria. Later, Bella spots a spider in her room, and
freaks out, not knowing what to do. She's too scared to tell Jacob, because she doesn't
want him to get hurt. She can't go to her mom's house in Florida, because the spider
might follow her there. After weighing all of her options, she burns down the house in an
attempt to kill the spider. She changes her name and runs away to Alaska, hoping that if
the spider lived, it won't be able to find her.
Chapter Fourteen: Family
Better Title: Hey Lady, What's Up
With Your Face?
Despite both Bella's expectations

and my own wishful thinking, the
other werewolves do not come to
the meeting in wolf form. Instead,
the four guys (Sam, Paul, Jared, and
Embry) walk out of the trees "half-
naked." Bella doesn't tell us which
half, but it's safe to assume the guys
are wearing pants. Or perhaps Bella
is a prude, and describes anyone showing just a hint of ankle as being half-naked.
As they approach Jacob, they spot Bella and get angry. Paul, who has a temper problem,
yells at Jacob for bringing Bella. He hollers and scolds, but Jacob sheepishly says Bella
can be a great asset. When Paul calls Bella a "leech-lover," Jacob gets mad and shouts
back at Paul--and rightfully so. Using the derogatory L-word to describe a vampire is
unforgivable . . . unless you are a vampire rapper and use the term to describe your fellow
vampire friends and colleagues.
Sam tries to settle Paul down, but it's no use. Bella hears a loud ripping noise, and Paul
transforms into a werewolf in one quick gesture, sprouting fur and growing five times his
normal size. Wolf Paul growls at Bella, but before he can attack, Jacob turns into a wolf
and springs to her rescue. You're probably wondering why I'm not writing this in capital
letters and shouting, "Werewolves are rad! Werewolves are rad!"
Werewolves are indeed quite rad, and this transformation scene was amazing. But I'm a
little bored by reading about another scenario where a nice monster's "brother" attacks
Bella, forcing the nice monster to turn angry and protect her. Instead of Jasper and
Edward, we now have Paul and Jacob. I only hope that after the attack, Jacob doesn't tell
Bella, "Listen non-girlfriend, for no good reason, me and the other werewolves are going
away forever. You will never see me again and I'm going to go through all your crap and
steal anything that reminds you of me. Well? Aren't you going to thank me?"
The two wolves fight violently as the remains of Jacob's clothes gently rain down. Wolf
Jacob is bigger than Wolf Paul and is able to fight and push Wolf Paul away from Bella
and into the woods. Sam needs to stop this and orders Jared and Embry to take Bella to
Emily's house while he handles these two crazy kids. Sam takes off his shoes and goes
after the wolves, probably to offer them Snausages and a car ride if they stop fighting.
Embry laughs and jokes that this isn't something you see every day. But Jared says he
sees this too often. I guess Paul and Jacob fight a lot, or Jared read the first three chapters
of this book too, and finds the similarities between this fight and the Edward/Jasper fight
a bit too contrived.
Jared and Embry joke around like regular teenagers and pick up all the ruined and torn
clothing, including Jacob's sneakers. One of them makes a comment that Jacob can't
afford to replace his shoes all the time, so Jake will have to be barefoot for a while. That's
so sad. Jacob wouldn't have this problem if he wore Velcro shoes like my grandma. In
fact, all the werewolves should invest in some tear away clothes like the kind worn by
exotic male dancers. Wearing a fake fireman's outfit is easier than buying new pants
every day, and you can make some extra cash by grinding into women at wild, sexy
parties or by fighting naughty, sexy fires. Or just wear smocks. That's what I do. (I'm still
hoping to turn into a werewolf by flexing my calves. It could happen...at…any…
moment.)
Bella doesn't like Jared and Embry's lackadaisical attitude, since two giant wolves just
ran into the forest fighting each other. But the two guys aren't worried at all and are
shocked that Bella is so concerned. (I guess Bella's secret of being a were-whiner is still
unknown to these guys.)
Jared and Embry bet on who will win the wolf fight. Jared sides with Paul, while Embry
sticks with Jacob, saying Jacob is a better werewolf. I'm rooting for Jacob, too. I always
bet on Black. (I've been waiting to say that for three months, but the right opportunity
never presented itself until now.)
On the ride to Emily's, Jared and Embry bet on whether the shocked and stunned Bella
will vomit or not. Again, it's nice to see guys goofing around and not taking things so
seriously. I'm trying to savor this moment because I know that Edward will eventually
return, and everything will become dark and brooding again. I'm getting sleepy just
thinking about it.
Embry explains that Emily is Sam's fiancée and acts as a sort of mother for the
werewolves. Sadly, she is not a werewolf. Embry advises Bella not to stare at her but
doesn't say why. Instead, he hints at the dangers involved in a werewolf/human
relationship, and I don't think he's talking about trying to paper train a werewolf.
They talk about Laurent, and Bella tells them that Laurent wasn't part of the Cullen
family. The guys are glad to hear this because they didn't want to break the treaty. The
werewolf-vampire treaty forbids werewolves from crossing over into Cullen territory or
attacking any members of the Cullen clan. In return, the Cullens must never drink human
blood. My neighbor and I have a similar treaty, except it states that I'm responsible for
trimming the hedges on the property line, but I'm not allowed to use his big TV when he's
not home. In exchange, my neighbor will not drink human blood.
Technically, the werewolves were not allowed to attack Laurent until Laurent bit Bella,
but Jacob didn't want things to get that far and had the pack attack prematurely. Bella
offers up some truly thought-provoking and meaningful words of appreciation by saying,
"Oh. Um, thanks." That is something you say when a stranger holds the elevator for you.
That is not something you say when heroic werewolves save your life. When you are
saved by werewolves, you should cry out, "Thank you, mighty wolves! Thank you!
Thank you! Can I try out one of your jet packs real quick?" (It never hurts to ask.)
They arrive at Emily's house, and the boys smell food cooking. Emily usually has food
ready for the guys, because werewolves burn a lot of calories. A-ha! Stephenie Meyer
must have read the previous blogs and knew I was going to ask about werewolf
metabolisms, just as I had asked about a vampire's caloric intake. Thanks, Steph. I
appreciate it. And I'm still waiting to hear back regarding the following questions:
Why do the Cullens run away all the time?
How, exactly, does Alice's future-telling ability work?
Do vampires go to the bathroom?
What possible reason is there for the vampire's glittery skin?
Why do vampires go to school?
If the Cullens have been hanging around Forks for a long time (judging by Jacob's stories
of his grandfather, they've been here for a few decades), why has no one noticed them?
Seriously, what's the point of shimmering skin?
If Edward had changed into a vampire when he was 60, would he still be lusting after 18-
year-old Bella? And are you OK with that? Really? What if he was a vampire at the age
of six? So watching an 18-year-old make out with a six-year-old is totally cool because
they are true loves?
How's Emmett doing?
Is Emmett your favorite character?
Do you think Emmett would be my friend?
What kind of music does Emmett like?
If I want to send Emmett a letter, do I just send it to you?
Why do bike shorts always come in black? (This has less to do with Twilight and more to
do with general curiosity.)
You included the glitter skin as a joke, right?
Since Bella didn't puke on the ride to Emily's, Embry won the bet, but Jared says he
doesn't have his wallet on him to pay up. This brings up another interesting werewolf
question: Where do werewolves keep their keys? Perhaps they wear elastic fanny packs
or hide them in a fake rock by the back door, like my neighbor does.
When they walk into the house, Bella notices the beautiful woman working at the counter
with her back turned toward Bella. When Emily turns around holding a plate of muffins,
Bella understands why Embry told her not to stare. Due to a werewolf attack, Emily's
face is scarred and disfigured.
Bella tries to divert her eyes and
looks at the muffins, possibly
making the muffins feel self-
conscious.
At first, Emily isn't very nice to

Bella, calling her "the vampire
girl." But sassy Bella calls Emily
a "wolf girl" and this breaks
some of the tension. Emily offers
Bella a muffin as the other two
guys begin inhaling food.
Sam comes home, grabs Emily's

face, and kisses her passionately. Who said only vampires are romantic? Who!? The
public display of affection is too much for Bella and the imaginary holes in her chest
hurt. Or maybe she's suffering from an allergic reaction to muffins, and/or scars.
I owe Sam an apology. A few blogs ago, I accused him of being the villain. But I was
wrong. I will amend my motto "Always bet on Black" by adding, "Always wager on the
werewolves." Sam, I am sorry. Can I try one of your jet packs real quick?
Paul and Jacob are friends again and fight playfully with each other. Jacob says hi to
Bella and asks how she's doing after witnessing her first werewolf transformation. She
says she's fine and continues to eat the muffin.
Sam quiets everyone to let them all know the news about Victoria. Jacob explains that
Victoria is after Bella and that she's trying to break through the werewolf line of defense
to get into Forks. They assume the only way to get to Bella is through the well-protected
forest. Apparently no one in La Push, including Tricky Vickie, has ever heard of a
helicopter.
Sam offers up a strategy to corner Victoria. He wants the pack to split up, hoping that
Victoria will try to sneak past them. Once they spot Victoria, they hope to surround and
trap her.
I'm not sure this is the best plan. Instead, they should dig a big hole, cover it with leaves
and sticks, and then make a Bella dummy out of straw, an old Wuthering Heights T-shirt,
and a wig. Then place this dummy gently over the hidden trap. Inside the dummy, insert a
cassette player that plays back Bella's voice saying the following statements, "I'm Bella
Swan. I'm really her. Edward is my love and he would be mad if I was dead. James was
smelly and he cried when he died, just like a baby. Like a fat, smelly baby. My neck is
exposed. I sure hope a bee doesn't sting my exposed neck. La la la. I'm Bella Swan for
real…" You'd have Victoria trapped in no time.
Still, Sam's plan beats anything the Cullens would have come up with, as vampire
strategies include running away or covering Bella's neck with hair.
Jacob recommends that Bella stay in La Push instead of Forks, because she'll be safer
here. They're also going to try and convince Charlie to come up as much as possible,
which shouldn't be a problem since the NCAA basketball tournament is underway, and
Charlie likes watching sports with Billy and Harry because he's an empty shell of man
without any hope of finding love again.
Bella agrees and spends the rest of the day at Billy's house. Charlie comes over after
work to watch the game but isn't sure what to think of Bella's relationship with Jacob,
since a few chapters ago, Bella was screaming that Jacob was in an evil cult. When Bella
and her dad leave, Jacob goes on wolf patrol.
All right, here's another question regarding the plot. James was smart enough to go after
Bella's mom. (Or at least an old VHS tape of Bella's mom.) So why doesn't Victoria do
the same and kidnap Renee? Is there a clan of werewolves in Florida? Does Vickie hate
humidity? If I wanted to get to Bella, and wolves just ate my only friend, I might try a
different approach and take the former Mrs. Swan hostage. While in Florida, I would also
ride Space Mountain, like, twenty times!
At home, Charlie asks what's going on between her and Jacob. Bella says they're friends
again, and Charlie is slightly ticked off at the sudden change in attitude. It's just like the
time I said I hated Honey Nut Cheerios, but now it's my favorite breakfast food. (And
once I even ate it for dinner. Don't tell!)
She has trouble sleeping, and thinks about what Jacob said earlier, that she was a
hypocrite because she liked vampires but thought werewolves were killers. She
contemplates what would happen if Edward was a killer, instead of vegetarian. Would
she still love him? She can't decide and goes to sleep. In her dream, she's still lost in the
woods but is holding Emily's hand and waiting for the wolves to return.
Prediction: Victoria tries a different approach. She uses Simon and Garfunkle songs and
bath salts to soothe the guys so that they don't turn into werewolves. The plan nearly
works, but just as Victoria is about to bite Bella, Jacob becomes angry and frustrated by
the song "America" because he wants to know if Kathy and the narrator ever find
America. He turns into a wolf and gobbles up Victoria and Bella (by accident), realizing
too late that the song was about hope and a quiet sadness, and not about the destination at
all.
Chapter Fifteen: Pressure
Better Title: Bella (hearts) Dying
Spring Break arrives in Forks,

and I'm shocked that Bella even
cares, as I assumed she dropped
out of school altogether since she
hasn't mentioned class or her non-
monster friends for about 200
pages. How's Angela? Is she still
going out with Ben? Has E-rock
gotten his girlfriend pregnant?
Did Tyler start dealing crystal
meth as a way to make extra
money but then got sucked into the world of drugs, and now is running from both the law
and his own inner demons? We don't know. Instead, Bella tells us what it feels like to be
sad.
With Victoria on the loose, Bella spends most of the week at La Push, hanging out in
Billy's house or walking along the beach. Jacob tries to spend time with her, but his
werewolfing schedule is rather hectic, so Bella is alone most of the time. When the two
are together, Jacob holds Bella's hands, and she hopes Jacob realizes she's still not
romantically interested in him. I can't see how Jacob could misread that. I hold hands
with all my friends, and even strangers at the mall who share similar walking strides with
me. Hand holding is as benign as waving hello or licking the back of a thigh.
At work, Marshmallow Mike is a little upset that Jacob is always hanging around Bella,
but Bella assures Mike that Jacob is just her best friend. (Suck on that, Angela!) Mike
sees how Jacob reacts to Bella, and tells her that Jacob wants to be more than friends.
Bella sighs, saying life is complicated. And Mike whispers under his breath, "And girls
are cruel." Chances that Mike will end up being a misogynistic serial killer have just risen
from a 60% chance to an 86% chance. Women of Forks, consider this a warning.
At night, Sam and Emily have desert with Charlie and Billy, and Charlie is trying hard to
accept Sam, even though Bella accused him of being evil a few days ago. Jacob and Bella
then sneak away and hang out in Jacob's car. Sitting in parked cars is also something I do
with friends, and strangers. So this is in no way romantic.
By the way, Jacob is shirtless again. This is not a joke. Perhaps the inability to wear shirts
is the reason there are no female werewolves. (Or if they do exist, they live in the
naughty section of town.)
Sitting in the parked car, Bella asks about the wolf powers. Jacob says that their body
temperature is higher than normal and that he could walk around in a blizzard shirtless
and not mind the cold. She then asks about the werewolves' healing powers, and Jacob is
anxious to show her by cutting himself with a knife, but Bella stops him before he does it.
Jacob says this power is "pretty cool." Chalk up another point for werewolves because
they actually enjoy their powers, unlike the never-satisfied vampires who gripe about
immortality and super strength as if having those powers is like having pimples.
Jacob says Quil will soon become a werewolf, and that a werewolf's first transformation
has nothing to do with age, but emotions. He says that the feelings build up inside of you,
until one day you snap and transform. So, it has nothing to do with flexing your calf
muscles in a painful manner. My doctor was right.
He goes on to say that being a werewolf is pretty nifty and not horrible at all. The hardest
part for him is that he could lose control and hurt someone. Sam lost control for a blink of
an eye and nearly killed Emily, and Sam has never been able to forgive himself.
Jake says he's good at werewolfing. He can transform faster than the others, and
everything about being a werewolf comes naturally to him. He blames this on his
ancestors. He has werewolf relatives on both his father's and mother's side of the family,
so it's understandable that he's a natural. I'm not so lucky. One side of my family was
farmers, and the other side was textile workers. Maybe this means I have a hidden talent
for sewing milk.
Bella asks what's the best part about being a werewolf. Jacob smiles and says the best
part is the speed. They can outrun super fast vampires, and since Jacob loves fast cars and
motorcycles, it's easy to understand why he digs this power. However, I think the best
thing about being a werewolf would be having your belly scratched. Have you ever seen
a dog get his belly scratched? It's epic!
Jacob then takes a turn asking questions. He wants to know more about James and
Victoria and why the Cullens killed James. Bella explains that James was a tracker and
wanted to kill Bella for sport, and nearly succeeded. She then shows Jacob the scar on her
hand. Jacob acts weird and doesn't understand how Bella remained human after a vampire
bite. But Bella says Edward sucked the vampire venom out, so she's still human.
The thought of Vampire Bella makes Jacob angry, and he starts to shake. He's about to
turn into a werewolf unless Bella can calm him down. She should make Jacob playful, by
waving a ball in front of his face and yelling in a high-pitched baby-talk voice, "Jakey
want the ball? You want the ball? Who wants the ball? You want the ball? Ball? Go get
the ball," and then pretending to throw the ball while secretly hiding it behind her back,
making an anxious Jacob eagerly chase after nothing and spastically look around for the
ball. Dogs are great.
Jacob tries to remain calm and asks Bella to talk about something, anything, to get his
mind under control. This same thing happened in the last book with Eddie, when Edward
got so ticked off at the bad Port Angeles dudes that he made Bella prattle on about boring
high school stuff or else he would…I don't know…weep with rage? But now, there is real
danger because if Jacob transforms, the entire car will burst apart and Bella will be
smashed to death.
So, to get his mind off of vampires, Jacob asks Bella to talk about the Cullen vampire
powers. Huh? The guy is getting angry just thinking about vampires, and the only way to
calm him down is to talk about how powerful vampires are? This does not make sense. If
a bull is charging at you, you don't try to calm it by bending over and wiggling your butt.
And yet this vampire talk seems to work. As Bella explains Jasper's emotional powers
and Alice's confusing ability to predict the future, Jacob begins to relax. But thinking
about Alice makes Bella remember the premonition Alice had in which Bella became a
vampire. And she gets upset that this prediction didn't come true. (Alice isn't a prophet.
She's a liar. I'm sure of it.)
All the talk about vampires makes Bella feel sad, and she once again clutches her chest.
Jacob asks what the deal is with Bella's constant self-hugging, and Bella admits that
thinking about vampires makes her gloomy inside. He strokes her hair to try and comfort
her. (Another clear sign that they're just friends, right?) Jacob apologizes for bringing up
Cullen business and jokingly says that between his anger issues and Bella's sadness, the
two are quite messed up.
The next day, Bella is trying to stay busy at Billy's house by studying for an upcoming
test, but she doesn't like being alone, and Billy isn't much of a conversationalist. (I'm sure
this is all Billy's fault and has nothing to do with Bella's gloomy, grumpy mood. I love
talking to grumps. They're so fun and add a lot to the conversation.)
She hangs out at Emily's house to change things up, and likes it there, but when Sam
comes home, Bella can't stand all the love and affection he and Emily share. So she goes
strolling along the beach. During her walk, she tells us that she's getting closer and closer
to Jacob but isn't sure what to do about it. Dear Bella, here's what you do: Kiss him all
over. All this thinking about love and danger tires Bella out and she curls up on the
beach.
Jacob finds her and feels bad that Bella has been spending her entire Spring Break alone
and miserable. He says that tomorrow he'll take a day off from hunting and have fun with
Bella. A while back, he promised to take her cliff diving, and tomorrow is the perfect
time to make good on that promise.
Bella loves the idea because it means she will hang out with Jacob and she will get to
hear angry Dream Edward warn her about the dangers of cliff diving. It's a win-win
situation. But the next morning, when Jacob fails to meet her, she goes looking for him
and Billy says he's not home.
The wolves have picked up Victoria's trail and may have her cornered near the
mountains, so Jacob had to run off and help eat her. The news scares Bella. She still is
convinced that Victoria is a super vampire, capable of destroying entire planets. She says
she has a memory of Victoria being "wild, catlike, lethal," but that memory must have
come from something not seen in the book. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only time
Bella ever saw Victoria was once, during the baseball game. And that's it. Where is
Bella's perception of Victoria being a super monster coming from?
It would be like me saying that Jennifer Hudson was capable of lifting an aircraft carrier,
just because once I saw her walking on the street carrying a large purse and she didn't
look very tired.
The news that the hunt is in full swing worries Bella, and she tries to relax by watching
TV and walking on the beach. But nothing works. Finally, she decides to try cliff diving
by herself, sure that this will spark a visit from Dream Eddie, and she hopes that Dream
Edward will take her mind off Victoria. There are two cliffs to dive from, a low cliff that
normal people leap from, and a high cliff that is only used by werewolves.
Bella thinks she knows the way to the low cliff, but gets lost and ends up at the tall cliff
instead. A huge thunderstorm is approaching, and Bella doesn't have time to hike back
down to the other cliff. Plus, part of her wants to jump from the high cliff because that
would mean more danger and more Dream Edward.
As she steps to the ledge, Dream Edward speaks to her, trying to convince her to step
away. Bella answers him in her mind, and they have a short, stupid conversation. Dream
Edward screams no, and Bella jumps from the cliff. She loves this feeling quite a bit, and
splashes into the cold water below thinking that this wasn't so scary after all.
But the real danger isn't in jumping off, but in coming back up from the ocean after the
plunge. The storm has made the water very choppy and Bella can't get her bearings to
reach the surface. She holds her breath as the underwater current smashes her around.
Dream Edward tells her to keep swimming. (Great advice, Eddie.) And Bella tries, but
still can't get above water.
She's about to die, and instead of seeing her life flash before her eyes, she sees Real
Edward and loves it. She loves this feeling and thinks dying is awesome. For a few
paragraphs Bella explains how glorious suicide feels. I don't think this is the right
message to send out to young women. Maybe in the next book, Stephenie Meyer will
explain the joys of drunk driving and how unprotected sex leads to true love. Bella
becomes filled with happiness at the thought of ending it all, as water rushes down her
throat. She says goodbye to Dream Edward, and the chapter ends.
Prediction: Thanks to Dream Edward's words of wisdom, Bella doesn't die. Later, Bella
gets trapped in a house fire and Dream Edward advises her, "Leave the house." Then,
during an earthquake, Dream Edward tells Bella, "Don't get hit with debris." And finally,
when Bella is slowly dying from a terminal illness, Dream Edward shouts at her, "Get
better."
Chapter Sixteen: Paris
Better Title: The Cullens Ruin
Everything!
The fire that Bella sees in the

water is really Victoria's hair.
There. I just saved you from
reading this lousy chapter. Sorry
if I sound grumpy, but it's only
because by the end of the
chapter, the Cullens are back.
And I've got a sinking suspicion
that soon Jacob will take a back
seat to Edward…stupid, shiny,
Edward.
Anyway, let's get this over with so that I can go buy Shakira's new song "She Wolf" and
add it to my Werewolves play list, which so far includes Warren Zevon's "Werewolves of
London," TV on the Radio's "Wolf Like Me" and Miley Cyrus's "Party in the USA" (The
last song has nothing to do with werewolves, but I need to practice for karaoke night.)
The chapter begins with Bella being saved from the ocean by awesome Jacob. As she
regains her breath and coughs up water, she dips in and out of consciousness, and only
picks up bits and pieces of the conversation going on around her. Sam and Jacob mention
something about a hospital, but Bella can't figure out what's happening.
While all this is going, she looks out in the bay and sees a small fire burning on the water.
You don't find out what this "fire" is until the end of the chapter, but I've already let it
slip that it's Victoria's hair, meaning the e-vamp was watching Bella from the bay.
The author included this chapter-length mystery of "What is the Fire?" to ensure that
people will actually read this chapter. Without it, these twenty pages are nothing but
space filler. It's a neat literary trick. Perhaps I would have stuck with Moby-Dick if every
few pages Ishmael said, "Look at all the symbolism and such. By the way, I wonder what
that demon I saw last night really was, the one made out of smoke and mystery." Even if
that demon turned out to be a nothing but a rabid donkey, it would have kept me
interested.
Jacob carries Bella back to his house. She gets her mind working again and admits cliff
diving by herself was stupid, and Jacob agrees. With everyone in agreement that Bella is
a fool, she changes the subject to Victoria and asks what happened during the hunt. Jacob
says they lost her again when she went into the water.
Vickie's dip in the ocean worried Jacob, and he thought she would attack Bella on the
beach, so he rushed home. Remember gang, swimming is easy for vampires because they
don't need to breathe air. That super power makes me wonder where the air goes when
vampires sniff teenage girls? Maybe the air gets sucked into their bellies and they belch it
out later like a frog or a well-fed uncle.
Bella recalls that Sam mentioned a hospital, and Jacob gives her the sad news: Harry
Clearwater had a heart attack. Poor Harry. Of all the literary characters who ate spaghetti
outside, he was easily one of my top ten favorites. Maybe even top seven.
Bella asks if there is anything she can do, but Jacob says she should just stay in his house.
He grabs some clothes for Bella and is about to leave her alone so she can change in
private, but Bella tells him to stay put. Sadly, this does not lead to a sexy, naked party
with candles and lotions and giggles. Instead, Bella is just scared and doesn't want to be
left alone.
The obviously-weary Jacob stays with Bella. She keeps her wet clothes on as she sits by
the radiator. Jacob and Bella fall asleep. Bella doesn't have a nightmare, but images of her
past fill her dreams. The last image is of the mysterious fire on the water. (See? The fire
mystery makes you want to keep reading. I'm going to use this trick when I write Early
Evening: A Wererhino Romance, to help spice up the chapter in which Lan Lergstein, the
mighty wererhino who is strong, is stuck at the mechanic, waiting for his jetpack to be
fixed.)
When she wakes up, she thinks about Romeo and Juliet for a few pages. Bella wonders
what would have happened in the play if Romeo was a jerk and broke up with Juliet.
Bella is certain that Juliet would be miserable for the rest of her life.
Bella brings up the character of Count Paris, Juliet's other choice of life-partner. In the
play, Paris doesn’t do a whole lot. But Bella thinks things would be different if Paris and
Juliet were friends. If Romeo left because he was an ass, Juliet might be able to have a
relationship with Paris. And maybe Juliet could even love Paris, though not in the same
way she loved Romeo.
This is a weird thing to bring up because…Whoa! I just realized that Bella's life is
mirroring Juliet's! Stephenie Meyer is so creative and wise. Holy cow! I just realized that
West Side Story is just Romeo and Juliet in New York! Holy cow again! I just realized
that my parents were Santa Claus! This part of the book is a little heavy handed.
First, if Romeo left Juliet, and Juliet didn't have any poison handy, all that would happen
is that Jules would be sad for a while and listen to emo harpsichord music and dye her
hair eight different shades of purple. Then, in a month, she would meet some other guy
who is way better than Romeo because he has a car and she will fall in love with him.
Why? Because Juliet is thirteen. Thirteen!
Thirteen-year-olds have a lifetime of experience ahead of them. What you love when
you're thirteen, you'll think is silly later in life. For instance, when I was thirteen, I loved
jetpacks and robots, but now…um…well, I'm not a good example. The point is, Juliet
would find someone else to love. And she would later snicker at the thought of dating
someone as lame as Romeo. Trust me. She would be fine.
Second, if Juliet married Paris, even though she didn't love him, their relationship would
be horrible. Juliet would begin to resent Paris and they would have fights such as this:
PARIS: Hi honey. I'm back from the Count office.

JULIET: Whoopty-freaking-doo.
PARIS: What's wrong?
JULIET: You tell me, Count Asshead.
PARIS: You mispronounced my name again. You do that a lot.
JULIET: I'm tired of being stuck in this…this…whatever this is. Because it's not a
relationship.
PARIS: This is about Romeo, isn't it?
JULIET: [sobbing] Why can't you be better!? Be more like Romeo! Be better!
PARIS: I don't know what you want? Can we not do this in front of the kids?
JULIET: I hate this!
PARIS: Maybe you just need to get out of the house more. Take that weaving class we
talked about…
JULIET: Argh! I'm stuck. I'm . . . I want out!
PARIS: Go soak in the tub. I'll make us Steak-umms for dinner. You love Steak-umms.
JULIET: [becomes slightly happy] Really? That'd be OK, I guess. [Sniff] Can I call you
Romeo tonight?
PARIS: Of course, my Sugar Blossom. Of course.
And then, two years later, they would get divorced and have a brutal custody battle. Paris
would lose his job as Count, and Juliet would become addicted to mead and name all of
her cats Romeo. It doesn't end well.
Finally, Bella thinks all of these thoughts are silly, because Romeo did love Juliet, and
that's why the story is timeless. She argues that no one would want to read a story called,
"Juliet Gets Dumped and Ends up with Paris." She's right. No one would read that. But
people would read, "Paris (Who is a Werewolf) and Juliet."
She shuts her eyes and realizes how stupid she's been acting by putting her life in danger.
Bella then thinks about falling from the cliff and keeps coming back to the mysterious
fire on the water. She snaps out of it when she hears a car approaching. Billy and Sam
return, and they let Jacob and Bella know the bad news: Harry Clearwater has died.
Jacob sits next to Bella, with his face in his hands. Bella rubs his shoulders, and Jacob
takes her hand and holds it to his face. No, this does not lead to a sexy naked party either.
Jacob thinks she should go back to her house to be with her dad. He hops into her truck,
ready to drive her home.
On the ride, Jacob puts his arm around Bella to keep her warm. Bella understands that
Jacob is now very important in her life. Things between them cannot continue in this
annoying, cruel, and frustrating puppy-love phase much longer. She finally contemplates
making Jacob her man-buddy. But I'm warning you now, don't get your hopes up for
sexiness, because everything is about to go sour.
She tells us that if she were to start a relationship with Jacob, she would have to tell him
everything about Edward, about the voices in her head, and explain to Jacob that he is
really her second choice for a kissing partner. Who on Earth would want to date someone
who told them that?
You should run away from any relationship that begins with the person saying, "I love
you a lot. But I love someone else more. That's cool, right? So when should we get
married? I always wanted a fall wedding." Jacob, you can do better. Way better. You
could date anyone you wanted, even princesses or pop stars or the adorable and witty
Amy Adams.
Bella goes back and forth over what to do. Should she lock lips with Jacob and kick
things up a notch, or continue being a wishy-washy nincompoop? They arrive at her
house, and Jacob gives Bella a hug. Again, just so you're not as disappointed as I was,
there will be no snogging, smooching, tonsil tennis, canoodling, or tubnicking. (I made
that last word up. Could you tell?)
Things in the truck are getting sexy and tense as Jacob holds Bella. She thinks about
kissing his exposed shoulders and then…oh my. Quick, hand me a glass of water and a
fan! I may be overcome with the vapors after witnessing all this passion.
She's about to go in for the kiss, their bodies so tense and hot that it's a wonder they don't
burst into love flames. But then Bella stops things. She's not ready for this yet, and is
about to explain herself when Jacob shouts.
He senses a vampire nearby, and isn't sure what to do. Should he change into a werewolf
(they call it "phasing," which is so cool, and much better than my suggested term,
"tubnicking-maximum"), or should he drive Bella to safety? He decides to get Bella away
from here. But as they drive away from Bella's house, Bella sees Carlisle's car.
Aw crap. Crap. Crap. Double Crap. There are more explicit words I'd like to use. But
since this is family-friendly site, I'll go with, Tubnicking-Supreme!
I wouldn't be so disappointed if it were Emmett's jeep that showed up. But Carlisle's car
means things are about to get stupid again with talk of ever-lasting-love, how horrible it
is to be a vampire, and boring speeches on the subject of potential danger.
Crap.
Bella is shocked to see Carlisle's car and demands that Jacob stop the truck. She tells him
not to worry, and that Carlisle isn't here to hurt her. Jacob still doesn't trust this situation,
and rightfully so. It could be Victoria pulling a trick on Bella. (Please tell me it's Victoria
pulling a trick on Bella. Please?)
But Bella is stupid, and tells Jacob that this isn't a trick. Jacob is getting mad, and when
Bella asks him to drive her back, he says, "No. Take yourself back, Bella." Once again,
I'm high-fiving a book.
Bella is stunned at the response. But Jacob explains he can't go back there because it's
Cullen territory, and if they catch him breaking the treaty it will start a war. He gets out
of the truck and runs away saying, "I really hope you don’t die." You tell her, Jake! Now
I'm fist-bumping the book. (I would have chest-bumped the book, but I didn't want to
scare away the other people in my dentist's waiting room who are already looking at me
in an odd way.)
Bella drives back to her house, nervous and excited about what she'll find when she gets
there. She opens the door and as she looks for the light switch, she suddenly remembers
why the fire on the water was so familiar. It was Victoria's hair! Vickie was watching
Bella in the ocean, and had it not been for Jacob and Sam, Victoria would have killed
Bella right then and there on the beach!
She turns the light on and sees someone waiting for her. The chapter ends.
Plot question #958: If Jacob could sense that a vampire was in Bella's house, why didn't
Sam and Jacob sense that Victoria was in the water watching Bella earlier? Hand in your
answers first thing tomorrow. Please show your work. No partial credit. Answers
involving "Werewolves can't smell wet vampires" will not be accepted because that is
just silly.
Prediction: Inside the house, Bella finds Carlisle in the kitchen. He looks up and says,
"Hey Bella. Sorry for the intrusion, but I was just wondering if could tell me what fruit
tastes like. I can't remember. Is it sweet or salty?"
Bella answers, "Fruit is sweet, usually."
Carlisle then snaps his fingers, walks out of the room, and heads to his car muttering, "A-
ha. I knew it was sweet. Esme is such a liar…" Bella wishes she had stayed with Jacob.
Chapter Seventeen: Visitor
Better Title: Alice and Bella
Sitting in a Tree…
Guess what. Carlisle wasn't

waiting for Bella. It was
Alice. And while I still like
Alice's friendly good nature,
by chapter's end, she will no
longer hold the number two
spot on Dan's List of
Favorite Twilight Characters.
This has nothing to do with
her personality and
everything to do with her
absurd, silly, all-too-convenient power. More on that later.
When Bella first eyes Alice, she gets so excited that she runs over and grabs her. Bella is
"gasping to inhale as much of the scent of her skin as possible." Whoa. The Alice/Bella
relationship that I only hinted at as a joke may be very real. And things only get more
lovey-dovey as the chapter chugs along.
Bella tells us once again how wonderful vampires smell, and the sight of her former
vamp-friend makes Bella sob with delight. Alice then pulls Bella to the couch, and Bella
curls up in Alice's lap. (See what I mean?) Bella goes on and on about how wonderful it
is to see Alice, but Alice is acting a bit cold and distant. Don't worry. Alice didn't take
some of Edward's moody pills. She's being unfriendly because she needs to eat, and when
she's hungry, it's not easy to be around smelly Isabelly.
Alice is shocked that Bella is still alive. Alice had a vision of Bella jumping to her death
from a cliff. She didn't realize that Bella was just having fun and not trying to kill herself.
After seeing the vision, the fearful Alice hopped on a plane to Forks so she could check
on Charlie. She didn't expect to find Bella safe and sound.
Alice says that she wasn't trying to spy on Bella's future, but her powers have become
"attuned" to Bella. So she can't really help but attract visions of Bella's future. Alice is
angry that Bella would try to take her own life, and that Bella had so little regard for how
that would effect her parents or Edward.
Let's stop here for a minute and discuss Alice's powers of prediction. If she saw Bella
jump in a vision, why didn't she also see this conversation that they're having right now?
She should have known that Bella didn't die. This is just the tip of the Dan-Doesn't-
Understand-Alice iceberg. There are bigger plot problems ahead…
Bella explains that she was cliff diving for fun and while she did almost drown, Jacob
saved her life. Alice didn't see Jacob in her vision, and this confuses Alice…and me.
Later in this chapter, Alice offers up the explanation that she cannot see the future of a
werewolf, and that would explain why she didn't see Jacob. Fair enough. But, Ms. Alice
Cullen, I have a few questions for you.
First, why didn't you come back to Forks when Laurent was about to eat Bella? You can
clearly get visions of Bella in danger, and that was a pretty dangerous situation. So you
should have helped her, or at least sent a warning or fruit basket with a card that reads,
"Laurent will kill you. Enjoy the pears." And why didn't you pick up a vision about
Victoria?
Second, if you can't see a werewolf's future, what would happen if, in the future, a
werewolf would maul Bella? Would you just see Bella getting chewed up by…air?
Third, if I order soup in a bread bowl, is it OK if I eat the bread bowl? Or is that tacky?
(Please hurry with this one, because I need an answer now!)
And my final question for the moment is this: Your powers are stupid. Could you please
stop having stupid powers?
While Alice tries to sort things out, Bella talks about her new BFF Jacob, but Bella isn't
sure if he's still her friend since she ditched him for the vampires a few minutes ago.
Sorry Bells, but you made your bed. Now lie in it…with Alice. Alice then mentions how
wrong Edward was, and says, "He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I've never
seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy." Ouch! Shut your bear-hole, Alice.
I'm not Bella's biggest fan, but it seems that everyone in this entire series always tells her
that she's an idiot, or stupid, or going to die unless a strong man is around to help her.
Stop treating her like a newborn, and maybe she will impress you with her strength. Hell,
Bella not only took care of her mom for years, but now takes care of her dad, and
manages to get good grades, and has a part-time job. She's more adult and mature than
people give her credit for. I can't believe I'm saying this, but give Bella a break.
(Shocking, right? Next I'll tell everyone that vampires are pretty great and jetpacks are far
too dangerous to own.)
Bella points out that she was able to survive with Edward. Alice doesn't understand how
Jacob could save Bella from drowning, and Bella tells her that Jake is strong. She then
pauses and wonders if it's OK to talk about the werewolf secret. But since Jacob knows
about the vampires, it only seems fair to tell Alice about the werewolves. So she spills the
beans.
Alice says that Bella's friendship with werewolves would explain why Bella smells bad.
Alice is filled with compliments today. When she's not calling Bella an idiot, she says
Bella smells funky. Soon she's going to tell Bella, "Hey Smelly Belly, what's up with
your hair? I mean, if you like it, that's all the matters, right? Also, did you know your butt
got bigger? Eating too much lasagna, hmm? But I guess there's more of you to love.
Some guys go for…thicker girls."
They talk about werewolves, and Bella says Jacob is a new werewolf. This worries Alice,
because young werewolves are "even worse." Bella mumbles that werewolves aren't bad
at all. But Alice says things change when a werewolf loses his temper. That's right. They
do change. The werewolves become even more amazing, and do astonishing things like
eat vampires and slay dragons and win karate fights.
Bella tries to defend the werewolves, saying they saved her from Laurent and are
currently her only protection from Victoria. Alice is surprised that Laurent and Victoria
are back, because her stupid power is worthless. How could she not "foresee" Victoria
and Laurent? Am I the only one who finds Alice's inconsistent future telling abilities to
be nothing but silly plot devices?
Of course, chances are I'm wrong about all this. If I paid closer attention, Alice's powers
may not be confusing. So if anyone can prove that Alice's abilities do make sense, I
promise to make a public apology and contribute a sizeable donation to The National
Institute for Plausible Fantasy Storytelling. If I'm right, and Alice doesn't make a lick of
sense, then I get twenty extra points.
Alice wants to hear everything that happened (Again, why doesn't Alice already know
what happened?), and Bella summarizes the first half of the book. Alice takes it all in and
says she's sorry for intruding. But before Alice can leave, Bella grabs her by the collar
and begs her to stay. Alice gives in and says she'll stay the night. Cue the candle light
because it's time for a sexy slumber party. Alice then offers up another compliment,
saying, "You look like hell, Bella."
Bella dismisses the insult. And just as I assume Bella and Alice will start slow dancing by
moonlight, the phone rings. Bella thinks it's Charlie calling to check in but is shocked
when Jacob is on the other end. He was just making sure Bella was still alive, and hangs
up on her. Was it bit cold and nasty of him to hang up? Maybe. But I'm still siding with
Jacob. Bella was rude and mean to him earlier.
Alice puts her arm around Bella and says, "So what do we do now?" Are you serious? I
defy anyone to say those words, under these circumstances, and not make them sound
sexy. This is turning into an adult film. All that's missing is some cheesy music and high
heel shoes.
Alice says that if she's going to spend that night with Bella, she needs to go hunting first.
Before leaving, she asks if Bella can be safe alone for one hour, and then Alice looks into
the future and sees that nothing bad will happen in that hour. That's it. I'm giving up on
trying to understand Alice's power, just as I gave up trying to grasp the concept of infinity
or the idea that yogurt is alive.
She leaves, but not before kissing Bella on the cheek. Bella is filled with happiness. She
eats. She showers. She makes a bed for Alice on the couch. Alice returns with golden
eyes, meaning she drank some animal blood. And I wouldn't be surprised if she brought a
bottle of champagne and chocolate covered strawberries to help set the mood.
Charlie comes home from the hospital. He's shocked to see Alice. Bella asks him if it's
OK for Alice to sleep over. He says it's fine, and in a roundabout way asks if Edward is
also back. He's relieved to learn that Alice is alone.
Charlie leaves, and the girls get back to catching up. Alice says Carlisle and Esme are on
a hunting trip, and they don't know that Alice came to Forks. Edward has been traveling
around South America but checks in with his family occasionally. Alice says that when
Edward checks in again, she won't tell him about this slumber party. But I thought
Edward could read minds? Argh! This makes no sense! Even if Edward is far away, you
can't keep secrets from a mind reader. He'll find out, eventually!
Deep breath. Deep breath. Think about werewolves. Think about werewolves. Deep
calming breath. OK, sorry about that. This chapter is frustrating.
The next morning, Bella wakes up and eavesdrops on Alice and Charlie talking privately
in the kitchen. Alice asks Charlie how Bella dealt with Edward's departure, and Charlie
explains how bad things got. Bella was in such a zombie-like state that Charlie was sure
she needed medical attention and tried to force her to move to her mom's house in
Florida. What wonderful parenting skills you have there, Charlie. I suppose if Bella was
on fire, he would rather send her to Florida than try to deal with the situation himself.
Obviously, Bella refused to go to Florida. Charlie says after meeting Jacob, Bella began
to act somewhat human again. Charlie then builds up Jacob, saying how strong and
amazing he is, hoping that Alice will get the point that Edward isn't needed around here.
He should have let me do the talking. I'm great at convincing people that Jacob is cool.
Just ask my barber. (At first she said, "That vampire guy is alright." But after hearing my
22-minute presentation entitled Jacob: The Man Behind the Legend, she changed her
tune. I could tell that I won her over because throughout the haircut she kept saying, "Uh-
huh. Yeah? That's nice. Could you stop turning around in the chair, sir?" I'd consider that
a win for Team Jacob. Wouldn't you?)
After hearing this, Bella feels awful for putting her dad through such misery. She makes
exaggerated sounds to let them know she's awake. Charlie leaves to visit Harry's wife,
and the girls get back to catching up and nearly kissing.
Alice says that Carlisle is working in Ithaca and teaching part time. Esme is restoring an
old house. Emmett and Rosalie went on a second honeymoon in Europe. And Jasper has
been studying philosophy at Cornell. Meanwhile, Alice has been doing some research on
her life prior to becoming a vampire. In the last book, we learned from e-vamp James that
Human Alice was placed in a mental institution because she could predict the future.
Alice was able to track down her birth records and learned that her real name is Mary
Alice Brandon and she had a sister named Cynthia. Cynthia had a daughter who now
lives in Biloxi.
Instead of trying to remember this, I'm just going to forget all the information. In a future
blog, please disregard my anger when I complain, "Mary? Who the fudge is Mary? And
who the heck is Cynthia? And in what Mississippi town does her daughter now reside?!"
Alice spends the night again, and the next morning, after Charlie leaves for Harry's
funeral, Bella and Alice hang out. The doorbell rings, and Alice can guess that it's Jacob,
so she steps out to avoid a confrontation.
Prediction: Everyone will still be overprotective of Bella. Years later, after much
fighting and debate, Edward, Jacob, and Alice agree to take the training wheels off of
Bella's bicycle. She rides around the block once, screaming, "I'm a big girl. I'm a big
girl." But then she falls and gets a nasty scrap on her gigantic knee pads.
Alice screams and shouts at the two guys, "I told you, she wasn’t ready. You know she
can't handle things."
Jacob says, "Well, maybe she just needs more practice."
Edward says, "No. No more practice. All of this fresh air might give her a tummy ache.
Now help me carry her back to the foam pit. She needs to rest up. Tomorrow we're going
to the mall, so you better get her Mall Helmet ready."
Chapter Eighteen: The Funeral
Better Title: Well Ain't That a
Coincidence?
As much as I didn't enjoy the last

chapter, this is the worst chapter of
the book so far, thanks to a series of
silly coincidences and lack of
Werewolf Jacob. And judging by
what happens at the end of this
chapter, it's only going to get worse.
(Unless Emmett shows up…with a
sword, grenades, and another sword
made out of fire.)
With Alice hiding out back, Bella runs to the door and finds Jacob standing in her yard.
Behind him, sitting in Jacob's car, are Embry and Jared. From the looks of them, Bella
knows that Jake didn't stop by for a quick platonic hug, or to make platonic lasagna. This
is all about business.
Jacob asks if he can talk to Bella. Bella says sure, and Jacob shoots his friends a look
over his shoulder before going inside to talk. Jared and Embry stare down Bella, and she
gives them a mean stare back. Good job, Belly. It's always a smart move to be sassy
toward two werewolves. Werewolves love sass about as much as they love vampires and
(probably) olives.
Inside the house, Jacob notices the remnants of the slumber party and asks where Alice
went. Bella says she was off running errands. He says he doesn't like being here but
needs to ask a few questions: How long is Alice staying, and are all of the Cullens
coming back? (He must already know the answer to my bread bowl question from the last
blog.)
Bella tells him that Alice is staying here as long as she damn well pleases, but the rest of
the Cullens probably aren't coming back. Jacob reminds Bella that with Alice around, the
werewolves cannot protect her because Bella's house is in Cullen territory, and the
wolves can't break the treaty. So if she's smart, Bella will ditch Alice and go back to La
Push where it's safe. (Who wouldn't want to go back to La Push? It's filled with
motorcycles and werewolves and cliffs and outdoor spaghetti and muffins! In other
words, it's heaven but with muffins.)
Bella is annoyed that Jacob assumes the Cullens are monsters. She only sees vampires as
being super and handsome, not evil at all. She's like a die-hard ferret owner who keeps
telling people, "Ferrets make great pets. They don't bite." Of course, when you go to pet a
ferret's eyeball…well, let's just say the owner's no-bite rule doesn't always apply.
Bella tries to make peace and wants to be friends with both the vamps and werewolves.
But she would be a horrible U.N. official, because when trying to settle disputes between
warring nations, she will always side with whoever is sparkly and smells good (such as
the Dutch).
Bella gets upset at the entire situation and cries. Jacob speaks up. His tone changes from a
business manner to a more friendly voice, and he says he's sorry for breaking his "don't
hurt Bella" promise again. This is why I only make promises that I know I can keep. Such
as: I promise to never bite a pony. I promise to only drink liquid. I promise to be a
famous rapper one day. Make realistic promises and you'll live life guilt-free.
Jake says he understands how Bella feels about the Cullens and should have known that
she would choose them over him. Bella offers a pitiful, "Sorry." He hugs her and sniffs
her hair. The vampire stench on Bella makes him say, "Eww." Werewolves think
vampires smell too sweet and icy. (Remind me that if/when werewolves come over for
dinner, DON'T serve Slurpees as appetizers.)
Jacob says that he can't be near Bella when Alice is around. Bella loves Alice (his words,
I swear!), and he wouldn't want to snap into a werewolf and maul someone Bella loved,
saying, "You probably wouldn't like it too much if I killed your friend." And I high-five
the book again.
I'm starting to suspect that all of Jacob's dialogue was written by a different writer. (J.J.
Abrams? Joss Whedon?) When any other character talks, it's always too forced and
unnatural, like the characters from the play I wrote in first grade, "Farm Time," which
included this bit of back-and-forth:
FARMER: Milk comes from cows.

FARMER'S WIFE: Corn comes from fields.
FARMER: We use tractors.
FARMER'S WIFE: Farming is hard work.
FARMER: This is about my soul, isn't it? I don't care! You can have my soul. I don't
want it without you—it's yours already!
FARMER'S WIFE: Chickens lay eggs.
Bella and Jacob's conversation leads to a long section of sexual tension, including face
touching, long stares, and whispers. Finally, Jacob goes in for a kiss, but just before all is
right in the universe, the phone rings and the mood is broken. Jacob answers Bella's
phone, listens to the other end, and angrily says, "He's not here. He's at a funeral," and
hangs up. (Remember, Charlie is at Harry's funeral. This is important.) Jacob tells Bella
that it was Carlisle calling.
Bella asks why Jacob didn't give her the phone, but Jacob says Carlisle just asked for
Charlie, and when Jacob told him were Charlie was, Carlisle hung up. Before Bella can
yell at Jacob, Alice appears at the bottom of the stairs. She doesn't look good. Bella
freaks out and asks what's wrong, but all Alice can say is, "Edward." This makes Bella
nearly pass out. Clearly something awful has (or will) happened to Edward.
Bella demands to know what happened to Edward. But Alice is busy calling Carlisle.
He's not home, but Alice talks to her sister Rosalie and gets some information.
Grab a seat (you'll want to be sitting down for this) and I'll sum up what happened as best
I can without laughing:
As we know, a few days ago, Alice saw a vision of Bella jumping form the cliff. So, she
thought Bella committed suicide and flew to Forks to help Charlie cope. Before leaving,
she told Rosalie about her vision (I think). Later, when Edward called the Cullens to
check in, the mean-spirited Rosalie told him that Alice saw a vision of Bella's suicide.
(Still with me? Wait, it gets better.)
Then, to confirm the story, Edward (claiming to be Carlisle for some reason) called
Bella's house to find out of it was true. Jacob answered the phone and told him that
Charlie isn't home because he's at the funeral. Edward assumed this meant Bella's funeral.
So now Edward is mad as hell because he thinks Bella is dead and he wants to kill
himself by meeting with the Volturi.
(OK, you can stand up again.)
We know that vampire suicide is no easy business, and the only way a vamp can kill
himself is by meeting with the ancient, European Volturi vampires. Um…but that's not
really true.
Edward could save on an airfare and hotel fees, come back to Forks, and try to pet Sam
Uley on the eyeball. Then Ed would die. And it would be grand! So this "Only the
Volturi may kill me" thing is just another example of the author trying to push the story
in a certain direction.
When Bella realizes what has happened, she screams. I screamed too, because this
situation is too convoluted and the plot relies too much on people being at the exact right
place, at the exact right time in order for this conflict to be created. None of this would
have happened if:
Edward didn't pretend to be Carlisle.
Bella answered the phone.
Alice answered the phone.
Conner answered the phone.
Jacob didn't answer the phone.
Harry Clearwater didn't die.
Charlie wasn't friends with Harry Clearwater.
The book was about Emmett and robots.

Alice's powers were not limited to only seeing events that will propel the story forward.
The Cullens were not a pack of pansies that ran away from any and all problems.
(Emmett obviously excluded.)
Edward wasn't an idiot.
Alice turned Bella into a vampire in the last book.
Anyone acted sensibly.
Sorry, but this situation is too hard to swallow. Alice says they can't call Edward to tell
him that this was all a misunderstanding because he threw out his cell phone. Argh! (No,
I'm not mad at this silly chain of events. I'm mad because he should recycle his old
phone. Earth Day is every day.) Eddie is a man on a mission to get torn apart by the
Volturi, and nothing can stop him. Nothing! Well, of course there is one way to stop him,
but it's a long shot. (And I'll bet my left pinky that it works).
Alice sees the future where Edward confronts the Volturi and asks to die. But Alice says
there's a chance that the Volturi will deny his suicide request because the Volturi are
good friends with Carlisle. So, if the Volturi say no, Edward will have to enrage them
somehow to make them attack. And if Edward chooses to do this is some elaborate way,
Alice might be able to get to Italy in time to stop him.
A word or two on storytelling: If most of the narrative is about two people falling in and
out of love, while being hunted by a mysterious villain, stay with that story. Don't
suddenly change the entire plot in the last hundred pages so that it's now a race against
the clock to stop some new villain from killing a different dude in a completely different
country.
The unexpected change in plot makes it seem like Stephenie Meyer got bored with the
story and wanted to write about something else. Or she's mean, and loves teasing me with
the possibility of a Wolf Jacob v. Victoria smackdown, only to change the entire story at
the last minute.
I wouldn't want to be Meyer's kids. She probably promises them trips to the toy store, and
then, as they approach the toy store, she turns the car around and heads to the furniture
store instead.
Bella is freaking out harder than she ever freaked out before. She pushes Jacob out of the
way and demands to go with Alice to Italy. (Between sassing Jake, arguing with him, and
shoving him, I don't think there's a court in this country that would convict Jacob if he
decided to "phase" and eat Bella.)
But Alice says it's dangerous. These super vampires won't be happy to learn that Bella
knows vampire secrets, so they might kill all the Cullens and eat Bella as a snack. What a
shame that would be. (Psst. Hey, Bella. You should totally go to Italy. Seriously. You'll
love it there. They have they best ice cream. And when you meet a Volturi vampire, pet
them on the eyeballs, because that's the proper way to greet an ancient vampire.)
Surprise. Surprise. Bella doesn't care about the danger. Alice agrees to let Bella tag along
and makes airline reservations for the next available flight. (I’m sure Forks has hourly
flights to Volturi-land…if you don't mind a layover in Pittsburg.)
As Bella packs, the suddenly second-fiddle Jacob says he will watch over Charlie to
make sure Victoria doesn't eat him. At least Jacob is sticking with this book's plot. Alice
reminds Bella to bring a passport because Alice doesn't have time to forge one. (Another
vampire power?)
Bella grabs a few clothes and her toothbrush and heads out the door to find Jacob and
Alice standing far apart in the yard, staring each other down like in an old Western. Jake
says Alice is foolish for taking Bella to these "leeches." Alice calls Jacob a dog. They
bicker about where Bella will be safest. Things have the potential to be amazing and
action-packed, but of course, nothing happens.
As Bella is about to leave, Jacob grabs her arm and begs her to stay. She's determined to
find Edward and says she must go. He says, "Don't die," and then Bella runs to Alice's
car. When she turns back, she sees part of Jacob's sneaker falling to the ground. He
turned into a werewolf. (But we didn't get to see it because this chapter is horrible).
Prediction: The plot continues to shift gears. The next chapter focuses on Edward's fight
with the Volturi. But there is no epic battle. Instead, just as the fight is about to begin, the
chapter ends. In the following chapter, the story focuses on Esme, who has just won the
lottery, but lost the winning ticket in a wacky factory filled with conveyor belts and
garbage chutes. Hilarity ensues. The rest of the book deals with E-rock and Marshmallow
Mike's attempt to teach inner-city kids how to play ice hockey. Werewolves are never
mentioned again.
Chapter Nineteen:
Race
Better Title: Are We
There Yet?
What the heck is on the

cover of this book? I've
been trying to figure it
out for the past month,
and was hoping one of
the chapters would be
about bloody, upside-
down flowers. The
cover of the first book
made a little bit of
sense: The apple
represents temptation. But this white and red flower is confusing. I guess an inverted
flower represents sadness, or maybe Bella's pollen allergy will be important in the last
few chapters. Or maybe the flower is covered in spaghetti sauce from the outdoor
spaghetti dinner. Also, there should be a burst in the corner that reads, "Emmett Is Hardly
in This Book." In other news, I'm liking the book less and less.
Bella and Alice are sitting on the plane, ready to fly to Italy where the Volturi vampires
live and where Edward will attempt suicide. Bella is so nervous that she's bopping up and
down in her seat like a caffeinated puppy who just heard the words "Want to go for a car
ride?"
Once the plane takes off, Alice calls Jasper while Bella eavesdrops on the conversation.
Alice tells Jasper that she's getting multiple visions of what Edward will do to upset the
Volturi. He might go on a killing spree or start throwing cars around the city. That sounds
pretty awesome. But since I know that Stephenie Meyer hates action, I doubt we will see
such carnage. And even if she did include a fight between Edward and the Volturi, she
would have Bella describe the clash in a vague, confusing manner. Like so:
"One vampire did some things. And this other vampire was doing other things, including
things with his arms. Edward was very fast and did fast stuff. And then more junk
happened. And then, an hour later, it was over. It was so thrilling! Edward looked like
two gods shoved together to make a duo-god. He's so neat! I'm going to touch his god
face."
Alice then tells Jasper that he can't come to Italy, nor can Emmett, because if Edward
sees any of his family members, he'll go even crazier. Hold up! Jasper's magical mystery
power is the ability to alter one's emotions, right? So why not bring Jasper along, throw
him at Edward before Edward does something stupid, and have him make Eddie feel
happy and full of giggles? Or bring Emmett along, and he can smack some sense into Ed.
But Alice tells Jasper that Bella is their only chance, and hangs up. Bella asks about the
Volturi vampires, and what makes them so powerful. Alice says that the Volturi are the
largest group of vampires in the world. There are five of them: Aro, Caius, Marcus, and
two other women whose names are probably not Beyonce and Miley.
These vampires are over 3,000 years old and some (or all?) have special powers like
Alice and Edward. Aside from the five family members, there are also at least nine
vampires who guard the Volturi. The guards also have super powers (of course), and I'll
bet that these powers are hard to explain, but deal with emotions, mind reading, or
passion. Sadly, I'll also bet that none of the powers will deal with lighting bolts that shoot
out from the eyes, fire breathing, or web slinging.
The Volturi and the guards rarely leave the city, and only venture out when they need to
enforce vampire rules. They dictate the rules that all other vampires must obey, such as
"Don't tell anyone about vampires" and "Make sure your super power doesn't make much
sense to Dan Bergstein." When a vamp breaks the rules, the Volturi come after them.
(Side note: Does anyone else think "Volturi" sounds like a coffee drink or a hip way of
saying "Volleyball Tournament"?)
These ancient vampires are so secretive that even the citizens of their own city, Volterra,
don't know of their existence. But Edward plans to change all that by exposing the
vampires, hoping this will make the Volturi vamps angry enough to kill him.
Bella realizes that things are not looking good, and she will probably die along with Alice
and Eddie. But because she's in her Eeyore mood, she thinks dying might not be that bad.
This upsets Alice, who promises that even if they're too late to save Edward, she's still
bringing Bella back to Forks safe and sound.
Maybe I missed something, but where the hell is Dream Edward? A few chapters ago,
Dream Edward didn't want Bella to ride a motorcycle or go swimming, but now he thinks
it's perfectly safe for her to travel across the world and enter a den of bloodthirsty
vampires? Perhaps Dream Edward is busy eating Dream Bears or playing Dream Xbox.
Alice looks into the future to see what Edward is going to do. While she is concentrating,
Bella prattles on to herself about danger and sacrifice. The plane lands in New York,
where they will get a connecting flight to Italy. Alice wasn't able to see much of the
future (surprise, surprise) and only knows that Edward will soon ask the Volturi to kill
him. (I picture Edward doing this by first tugging on a Volturi's robe, like a child trying
to get his mom's attention so he can ask for another cookie.)
They hop on the Italy-bound plane. Alice zones out again. Bella prattles on about danger
and passion again. She falls asleep and is woken up by Alice, who has had another vision.
In this one, the Volturi deny Edward's suicide request, which is good (if you're rooting for
Edward), because this means Eddie will need to anger the Volturi if he wants to die. So
Alice and Bella still have a chance to stop him.
The Volturi think Edward is cool, especially because of his mind-reading capabilities. So
they will offer him a position with their guards. Since the Volturi dig Edward, they won't
want to kill him because it would be a waste of a perfectly good vampire. Who knew
vampires were so stingy? They're like my uncle who saves ketchup packets.
Bella then asks a very sensible question: How does Alice's power work? Unfortunately,
the answer is basically this: It works because it works. Alice tries to explain it, saying that
she can see vampire futures more clearly than human events, but it all boils down to the
fact that her powers are silly, ambiguous, and silly.
Then Bella asks why Alice's vision of Bella becoming a vampire never came true, and
Alice says the vision was only one of several possibilities at the time. But now, Alice is
seriously thinking of turning Bella into a vampire because everything has gotten out of
hand. Bella gets excited and asks to be turned into a vampire right now, but Alice can't do
it on the plane because it would take a few days for the change to occur, and she needs
Bella healthy if they want to stop Ed-weird. Plus, most airlines frown upon biting fellow
passengers, and those that don't charge a significant biting fee.
Alice says they can talk about this later. Bella is happy with the news that she will
become a vampire, because then she will be "beautiful and strong" and Edward will not
be able to resist her. To all the female readers, please don't change yourself just for some
guy. Bella landed the hottest guy on the planet, has a super hot werewolf yearning for
her, and she still has the world's lowest self-esteem. I've said it before, but she will never
be happy. Even if she won the lottery, became a vampire, won the lottery again, married
Edward, got a perfect bowling score, and saved the life of a wish-granting leprechaun,
she would still be miserable.
Alice has another vision. After the Volturi deny Edward's request to die, he will think
about hunting humans out in the open to anger the Volturi and force an attack. But he will
decide against this because it would upset the human-loving Carlisle. He needs a way to
irritate the ancient vampires, but at the same time, he doesn't want to kill innocent people.
So Edward's brilliant plan is to walk out into the sunlight and let the citizens of Volterra
see his shiny skin. This will expose the vampire secret and obviously piss off the Volturi.
Or will it?
If I saw a shiny guy standing in the sun, my first thought wouldn't be, "Agh! Vampires
are real!" Instead I would probably think, "What's up with that guy? I think I'll have
chicken salad for lunch…"
This plan makes no sense at all. No one has ever heard of vampires' ability to sparkle in
the sun. Most people assume sunlight kills vampires. So if anything, Edward standing out
in the sun will prove to the people of Volterra that he's not a vampire at all, but just a guy
with a flamboyant personality.
Since Edward, (or the author) wants to do this in the grandest way imaginable, Eddie will
step out into the main courtyard at exactly noon to expose the secret to as many people as
possible. Hmm…I thought Eddie was in a rush to commit suicide. It makes me wonder
how he'll spend the rest of the morning. Maybe he'll do some shopping, eat a breakfast
bear, and then watch and (finally) return some Netflix movies.
Again, I'm confused. Edward wants to kill himself immediately. He flew directly to Italy
to do just that. Now that the Volturi said they won't kill him, he needs to enrage them
somehow. I understand this. But why doesn't he just start attacking the Volturi? What's he
waiting for?
He's such a wishy-washy, gutless, emo kid. I guarantee you that if Jacob or Emmett
wanted to kill themselves, they wouldn't waste time with such theatrics. Instead, they'd
get it done fast, and probably take down a few evil warlocks and bank robbers in the
process.
The plane finally lands in Florence, Italy, and Alice steals a car to drive to Volterra. Since
this book is mean and refuses to show us anything even remotely exciting, we don't see
how Alice stole the car. She simply drives up with a stolen yellow Porsche. If Stephenie
Meyer had written "Titanic," the entire movie would take place in Wyoming, and the film
would be nothing but two hours of people saying, "Did you hear about that boat?"
Alice speeds down the road and tells Bella that today is St. Marcus Day, a festive day in
Volterra that celebrates Marcus (of the Volturi). But the people think that St. Marcus
drove away all the vampires and then was killed in Romania. They don't know that
Marcus and St. Marcus are the same person. The truth is that Marcus never left the city,
and vampires are still everywhere. This part of the story is actually interesting, but only
lasts a few sentences.
Bella wants to know how to stop Edward from stepping into the sunlight at exactly noon,
and Alice says that if Edward simply sees Bella, he will probably end his death wish.
Alice will drive as close as she can to the plaza, but then Bella will need to run the rest of
the way. She warns Bella not to trip. They finally approach the city and Bella gets scared
when she sees the castle.
Prediction: Edward is disappointed that his sparkling skin failed to convince people that
vampires are real. He then tries to prove that he's a vampire by playing baseball loudly.
Everyone reacts in horror, screaming, "Vampires! They're real! And they're athletic!" The
Volturi kill Edward instantly.
Chapter Twenty: Volterra
Better Title: Dear Jacob,
Italy Sucks. Wish You Were
Here.
I wasn't going to blog about

this chapter, because
honestly, not much happens.
(Bella runs through a
fountain and is reunited with
Edward. But for all the
buildup, it's not very
emotional or exciting.) So
instead, I was going to use
this opportunity to discuss
other topics, such as gingivitis, ninja socks, vampire-vampire bats (vampire bites that
were bitten by vampires), and whether or not the first person to make popcorn was
frightened. But I'm sure most of you would rather hear my thoughts on New Moon. With
that said, let's get on with the story.
Alice and Bella are stuck in traffic, trying to get into the city walls of Volterra. Thanks to
the St. Marcus festival, the cars are backed up, and some people are parking along the
side of the road. But time is running out. Soon the clock will strike noon and Edward will
walk out into the sun and sparkle with all his might!
I've been itching for some action in these books for some time. In fact, you could argue
that I whine about the lack of thrills and chills just as Bella whines about the lack of
Edward and touching. Now that we finally have an exciting few pages, I should be happy,
right? But I'm not.
First, there are no werewolves. Not even Embry.
Second, without reading any spoilers at all, I know things will work out in the end.
Stephenie Meyer doesn't seem like the type of author who would put her characters in
real mortal danger. (Another reason why I enjoyed the later Harry Potter books was that
J.K. Rowling trusted her story enough to let key players die. It made everything in those
books much more exciting.)
Third, I don't care that much about Edward.
Jacob and the werewolves showed me that this book is at its best without vampires. As
pretty as Italy is, I'd much rather be back at La Push with the wolves, the muffins, and the
yet-to-be-mentioned jetpacks.
This brings up a pretty big question: Why do so many young women think Edward is
super great? Sure, he looks good. And he's passionate. But am I the only one who thinks
he's the most boring literary character since The Man in the Yellow Hat from Curious
George? Judging by the book's popularity and all the fandom, I'm clearly in the minority
on this. I must be missing something. If anyone could please explain why I should care
about Edward, I would greatly appreciate it.
Anyway, the story continues as Alice tries to drive through a blocked off access road. But
a security guard stops her. She thinks Bella may have to run up the hill to the plaza, and
tells Bella to look for Edward waiting in the shadows beneath the clock tower. For fun,
I'm going to ask this one more time: Why doesn't Eddie hop out of the shadows right
now?
I don't think he wants to commit suicide. The over-dramatic doofus just wants attention.
This is like the time in elementary school when I gave myself a black eye, hoping that the
girls would think it was cool. Or the time I went to Italy to kill myself in the most
ridiculous manner possible, after learning from an unreliable source that my ex-girlfriend
committed suicide.
As the security guard approaches, Alice positions the car so that her face is hidden in
shadows. How convenient, don't you think? The guard explains that only tour buses are
allowed past this point, but Alice uses her charming personality and vampire glamor to
woo the guard. Plus, she gives him a "thousand dollar bill."
At the risk of nitpicking, there is no $1,000 bill in U.S. currency or in Euros. And 1,000
Italian lira is about 75 cents in American money. So this guard is either really stupid and
doesn't know much about money, or he's very poor and needs whatever funds he can
scrounge up to buy half a potato for dinner.
Needless to say, the guard lets Alice and Bella drive past and they follow the narrow road
up to the plaza. Alice eventually gets as close to the clock tower as the road will allow,
and tells Bella to make a run for it.
Bella shoves and pushes her way through the people. She finally sees an opening in the
crowd and darts through it and into a fountain. She sloshes through the water and hops
out the other side. The clock tower begins to chime, and Bella screams Edward's name.
This all so cinematic. I can almost see this part of the movie in my mind. Only in my
mind, the song Yakety Sax is playing. (Listen and then tell me that song wouldn't be
perfect for this scene.)
Bella bumps into more people and sees the dark alley ahead, but can't see Edward
through the crowd. She continues to scream his name and finally sees him in the alley,
but he doesn't see her. Plot question #988: Why doesn't Edward smell Bella? I thought
vampires had super smelling abilities, and Bella was the stinkiest human on the planet.
Edward is about to step into the sun. He took his shirt off to add to the sparkly effect of
his skin, or because he was tired of explaining why his hip T-shirt slogan, "Vegetarians
Eat Bears," was funny.
Bella looks at Edward and tells us, "I'd never seen anything more beautiful." (I guess
she's never seen a Pixar movie or the way I parallel park.) The fact that Edward ditched
her a few months ago doesn't seem to matter any more. She runs and screams, but
Edward still has his eyes (and his nose?) shut. I imagine he's probably thinking:
"Well, this is it. I guess I'll never know how LOST will end, or what villain will be in the
third Batman movie. I hope it's not the Riddler. That would be weak. OK, time to get this
over with. In three…two…"
Bella runs right into Edward as he takes a step, and it knocks the wind out of her. Eddie
opens his eyes, and assumes that he's already dead because Bella is here with him, and
because he's an idiot. He's shocked that he didn't feel a thing, and Bella keeps trying to
tell him they're both still alive. Eddie still thinks he's dead, and is happy with how quick
the transition was. He quotes Romeo and Juliet and acts delighted to be deceased.
When I die and end up in the afterlife, I won't be quoting Shakespeare right away. Instead
I'll spend my first few moments of eternity looking for my old dog Max. Then I will
travel back to Earth and haunt my murderer until justice is served. Then I'll eat a literal
mountain of pancakes while learning the truth about aliens. Then I'll play basketball with
Abe Lincoln, Bruce Lee, and Kurt Cobain. And then I'll quote Shakespeare…to the
dinosaurs.
Eventually Edward listens to Bella and realizes that they're not dead. There is no big
moment of passion or kissy-kissy time. He senses something and snaps back into his
moody, protective mode. Two members of the Volturi guard, Felix and Demetri,
approach Edward and Bella. ("Felix and Demetri" sounds like a horrible indie band, or an
awesome pair of pet goldfish.)
They want to take Edward somewhere, and mention that it's not very safe for vampires to
be out in the plaza with the sun shining so bright. He agrees to go with them, and tells
Bella to enjoy the festival. But the guards want her to come along. Edward says no, and
things become tense. Demetri and Felix block the exit to the plaza and force Edward and
Bella deeper into the alley. Alice appears behind Edward and evens the odds against
Demetri and Felix. We might get a vampire fight after all. (Just kidding. Of course we
won't.)
The guards once again ask Edward to come with them, but he he won't go. Emmett, if
you're reading this, now is your time to pop out of the shadows with your silent but lethal
fire sword. Jacob, you can come too. Bring muffins.
Suddenly, a spooky vampire girl named Jane shows up and stops the bickering. Though
she looks like a little kid, she's one of the Volturi. And everyone, including Edward and
Alice, obeys her, as if she's in charge of the universe.
If all of the Volturi are weird kids, then things might become interesting. I like the idea of
creepy vampire children. They're unsettling and eerie, just like ventriloquist dummies and
evil sea horses. Plus, they can lurk in places adult-sized vampires can't enter, such as the
cabinet beneath the sink and the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese. For the record, here is the
current list of my favorite types of vampires:
1. The vampires from Blade 2 that have giant mouths.
2. Emmett (w/ sword)
3. Child vampires
4. Emmett (w/o sword)
5. Count Duckula
Jane leads the group to what looks like a dead end, but there's a hole in the ground that
everyone drops into. They enter a series of cold underground tunnels. Edward holds onto
Bella tightly and, using his free hand, rubs his thumb all over her mouth. I guess this is
passionate and romantic. But it sounds a bit odd, as if Eddie is using Bella's head as a
bowling ball.
When not thumbing her mouth, Edward kisses Bella's forehead as the guards lead them
along. She is happy that Edward "wants" her again. After he high-tailed it out of Forks,
she wasn't sure if he stopped loving her. Bella wants to ask him questions. (Probably such
as, "Why did you leave?", "Why do you always run away from problems?", and "Is it OK
if I kiss Emmett sometimes?") But now is not the time or place.
The dark tunnel stretches on, and Bella can't get her bearings in the dim light. Plus, her
clothes are still wet from her romp in the fountain, so she's shivering. Edward realizes
that his cold body temperature isn't helping Bella's chills, but she won't let him loosen his
grip on her shoulders. Good move, Bella. You better hold on to him, because I assume his
plan to get out of this mess involves running away to Canada without you.
They eventually stop at a gate in the tunnel and walk through a large wooden door. We
don't find out what's on the other side, but Bella relaxes when she sees it, while Edward
tenses up.
Prediction: On the other side of the door, they find Jacob, who has killed all of the
Volturi vampires. He looks at Bella and says, "Hey Bells. Thought I'd save your life since
Dead-ward was too busy poking your mouth with his thumb. You wanna go grab some
spaghetti? I'll bring the lawn chairs. Ha-ha." He then looks at Edward and says, "Oh.
Sorry Dead-ward. That's sort of an inside joke. You wouldn't understand."
Edward tries to make fun of Jacob's ratty sneakers, but the joke comes out sounding
desperate. No one laughs, and Edward runs away towards the sunlight screaming, "I'm
really going to do it this time. I swear! You'll be sorry when I'm dead."
Chapter Twenty-One:
Verdict
Better Title: All That for
Nothing?!
The story, which has been

dragging for the past few
chapters, is becoming
interesting again thanks to
the mysterious Volturi
vampires. While the
actual "verdict" in this
chapter is laughable, and
makes the previous few
chapters pointless, I'm
becoming a fan of Aro
and Caius, two of the three Volturi lords. But Marcus? Oh boy, I don't even know where
to start with Marcus. Much more on him later.
Bella, Alice, and Edward are led from the dark, scary tunnels into what appears to be the
hallway of a typical office building, complete with fluorescent lights and ugly, bland
carpeting. Because she's familiar with ordinary-looking office hallways, Bella relaxes a
bit. But Edward does not like the look of things. In fact, "He glowered darkly down the
long hallways." I wish I could glower darkly. I can only glower brightly. (That's a lie. I
don't know how to glower at all. How much of my chin should I be flexing? And what do
I do with my hands? Does my mouth need to be opened or closed? And can I do this
while wearing shorts?)
Jane, the child-like vampire, waits for them by an elevator, and everyone piles in. The
Volturi guards take off their cloaks and Bella can see them clearly. Both Felix and
Demetri have olive complexions and wear modern clothes beneath their scary vamp-
cloaks. (Note: Looking for a cheap Halloween costume? Simply wear "modern clothes"
and tell everyone you’re a Volturi vampire. The same costume will also work if you want
to go as a mannequin or Kevin Costner.)
They all leave the elevator and enter a fancy waiting room/office area that is decorated
with leather couches and crystal vases. In the middle of this waiting room is a human
receptionist named Gianna. Bella is surprised that a human would be working so closely
with vampires, but it's nice to know that Volturi Industries is an equal opportunity
employer.
Jane leads them into another room, where a vampire boy named Alec greets her and is
delighted to see Eddie and the gang. Alec and Jane then take everyone down another
corridor and through a secret door in the wall. Behind this door is a circular room made
of old stones and darkness. To add to the creepiness, there are several throne-like wooden
chairs lining the curved wall of this chamber, and in the middle of the room is a drain.
Either this chamber is used for killing people, or this is where the vamps wash their cars
and dogs.
There are a few vampires in the chamber, talking casually. One of them speaks up and is
thrilled that Jane has returned. This vampire is Aro, one of the three original Volturi
vampires, and he seems to be in charge. (His name sounds like a dog trying to say,
"Hello.")
He is excited to see that Jane brought Alice and Bella to him, and Bella is shocked that he
already knows her name. Aro is acting too friendly, as if they are all one big happy
family and he's the wacky uncle. His scary, over-the-top good spirits make him seem like
The Joker, and I like him already.
Like Edward, Aro can read minds. But to do so, he must physically touch the person.
When he touches someone, he not only sees the person's current thoughts, but every
thought that person has ever had. Can Aro also see thoughts that a person forgot? If so, I
would high-five him right this minute, and then ask him where I put my earbuds.
Marcus and Caius enter the chamber, and Aro announces to them that Bella is not dead.
But these two don’t seem to care as much as the flamboyant Aro. Caius glides to his
thrown. Marcus touches Aro to give him a secret, silent mind-message.
Edward explains to Alice and Bella that Marcus just told Aro how strong the feelings are
between Eddie and Belly. Marcus's super power, it would seem, is the ability to see
relationships.
Let me repeat that. Marcus's super power is the ability to see relationships.
And, one more time, just so we're all on the same page: Marcus' super power is the ability
to see relationships. On what planet, in what galaxy, in what universe, would this power
come in handy?
SCREAMING WOMAN: Help, my house is on fire and my baby is trapped upstairs!

MARCUS: Not to worry, ma'am. I understand that you love your baby very much.
SCREAMING WOMAN: And…
MARCUS: Um…that's about all I can do here. Oh, and you think the mailman is cute in
a dorky sort of way. Good luck with that fire.
Identifying relationships is not a super power. It's just being observant. Maybe Caius's
power will be the ability to tell if it's raining. And Alec can sense if a dog is happy.
Aro is surprised that Edward can not only stand so close to someone as delicious as Bella,
but actually fall in love with her. Edward says it takes some effort, but it's worth it.
Edward and Aro talk about Carlisle for a bit. I try to pay attention, but I'm still giggling at
Marcus.
Seriously, someone please tell me that Marcus has more than just this goofy relationship-
identifying power? Tell me he also has heat vision, or he can talk to penguins, or he's
really good at geography. Anything! I guess Marcus could make millions on daytime talk
shows, during segments called, "Does My Man Love Me?" I thought Rosalie's ability to
be stubborn was a lame power, but Marcus makes Rosalie look like Superman.
Finally, Aro asks if he can touch Bella to see all of her thoughts. She doesn't have much
of a choice, and she offers her hand to Aro. He takes her hand...Sorry. Sorry. I can't let
this Marcus thing go just yet. What does Marcus see when he "looks" at a relationship?
Does he see the two people kissing in his mind? Does he see words such as, "They like
each other, but they don't liiiike each other"? OK. OK. I'll try to stay focused.
Aro first smiles at Bella, but then looks confused. He was unable to see her mind, and
wonders if she is immune to other vampire powers. He summons Jane, and Edward
growls. One more Marcus question: Can Marcus see how much I love kettle corn? Does
that count as a relationship?
Aro wants to see if Bella is immune to Jane's power. Alice and Edward are having a fit,
which means Jane's power might be dangerous and awesome. Edward leaps at Jane, but
before he can get to her, she shoots him a look and he falls to the ground, doubled over in
pain. The creepy child-vampire Jane simply grins. Her vampire power involves causing
severe pain with her mind. Finally! We have a decent vampire power.
As Bella screams, Aro tells Jane to stop attacking Edward with her mind. She stops and
Edward lies still on the ground. I wonder what Jane's power actually does. Perhaps it
squeezes your liver like a tube of toothpaste, or it makes you feel as though you've been
electrocuted. Or maybe you just hear pop country music in your head.
Jane then turns her attention to Bella, who braces herself for the mind-pain. But it never
comes. It seems as though Bella is immune to all vampire powers. Plot question #1,192:
How can Bella be immune to vamp powers if Jasper used his power to make her feel
happy way back in book one? And how would Marcus (giggle) be able to see her
relationship status if she was impervious to vamp abilities?
Aro is happy with the result and "chortles." (Between "chortles" and "glowered," this
chapter wins the award for best verbs.) But Aro isn't sure what to do now. He asks
Edward and Alice to join him and become Volturi guards, but they both say no. He then
asks Bella to join them, which shocks her.
Caius (who is the most level-headed vampire of the group) finally speaks up. He doesn't
know where Aro is going with this. But Aro says Bella's immunity to vampire power has
a lot of potential, especially if she were transformed into a vampire. He thinks she could
be even more talented than the evil Jane.
Bella could also be better than Marcus, though she wouldn't need to become a vampire to
do so. Simply give her the serrated edge of an aluminum foil box, and Bella would
instantly be more powerful than Marky.
Bella declines the invite, and Aro sighs. Edward assumes that this means all three of them
will die. But Aro says no one is going to be killed. He thinks killing Edward and Alice
would be wasteful, even if Caius disagrees.
The frustrated Caius says Bella knows too much, so she must die. Aro makes an excellent
suggestion: everyone can go free if Bella becomes a vampire. That's more than fair, no?
But this trial becomes silly, because Aro isn't forcing Edward to turn Bella into a vampire
right now. Eddie simply must promise that he will eventually transform her into a vamp.
Remind me that when I visit Volterra, I should commit lots of crimes, because the
judicial system there is as lenient as the truancy policy at Forks High School.
Edward thinks it over…for a bit too long if you ask me. What the heck, Edward? Why
don't you just lie and say you'll do it? Would you honestly rather have Bella eaten instead
of making an empty promise? What a jerk. Emmett? Jacob? If you're reading this, please
come back to the story.
Alice steps in and lets Aro touch her hand. She wants to show him that she was already
considering transforming Bella into a vampire. And Aro sees that Alice even had a vision
of the future in which Bella is a vamp. Aro is pleased with Alice's thoughts, even if Caius
thinks it would be foolish to let Bella live.
Aro tries to convince Caius that they should let everyone go. Even if the Cullens refuse to
join the Volturi today, they might change their minds in the future, and Aro thinks Alice,
Edward, and potential-vampire Bella are too powerful to waste.
So Alice has promised to turn Bella into a vampire at some later date and time. And with
that, Eddie, Alice, and Bella can all go free.
Were the last three chapters completely pointless? Aro wouldn't have killed Edward even
if Eddie broke the one and only vampire rule: Don't reveal to anyone that vampires exist.
So if Edward went through with his plan to sparkle mightily in the plaza, his only
punishment would have been a job offer. Does anyone else feel ripped off?
Before heading out, Caius says they will be visiting the Cullens to make sure they keep
their promise. (And maybe Marcus will tag along to tell us if E-Rock and his girlfriend
have gotten to second base.)
Edward says they need to leave quickly because Heidi, another vampire, is coming back
soon and bringing some victims for everyone to feast upon. Aro throws Edward a cloak,
since all this time Edward was shirtless. (Who does he think he is? Jacob?)
They follow Demetri out of the death/dinner chamber. As they exit, a group of confused
humans (probably tourists) walk past them. They're obviously going to be the next meal
for the Volturi, and Edward doesn't want Bella to be near any part of this feast. They run
into Heidi, the Volturi vamp who has rounded up the "food" and is herding them into the
chamber. Edward tries to hurry Bella along, but isn't fast enough. She can hear the
screaming begin.
Prediction: Before leaving Volterra, Bella steals Aro's iPod. But she is caught. Her
punishment is that, at some point in the future, she must apologize. Edward doesn't like
the sound of this deal. He thinks about it for 45 minutes before deciding they should
refuse the offer and die for their crimes.
Chapter Twenty-Two:
Flight
Better Title: It's
Emmett! Emmett's
Back! Hi Emmett!
That's it? Is the story

over? There are only
two more chapters and
an epilogue left, so I'm
assuming the race to
save Edward was the
climax of the book. And
to say that I'm a little
disappointed would be
like saying soccer is a
little tiring. I know this book is light on action, but even the last book ended with a fight
—a fight we didn't get to witness, but a fight nonetheless.
If this story were a rollercoaster ride, then the werewolf scene was the big drop, and
everything since then has been like the end of the ride, when you're still strapped into the
car, waiting to enter the docking station so you can leave. And this chapter is like the lap
bar digging into your bladder. Why? Because Edward, Alice, and the rest of the Cullens
prove to be horrible, horrible people.
After hearing people being killed in the death chamber, Edward, Alice, and Bella are lead
back to the office area. Demetri warns the trio to stay put until sundown. Edward notices
that Bella is acting strange. The poor girl just listened to people being eaten alive, so she's
shaking and going into hysterics. Bella hears a ripping sound, and at first I'm excited,
hoping that she will transform into a mighty werewolf.
But the ripping sound is only her sobs. (I've never cried before, because I'm incredibly
tough. But I don't think crying sounds like ripping. I'll just assume Bella is also gassy.)
Edward sits Bella down and tries to help her relax. Alice offers to slap some sense into
Bella, and with that, Alice is crawling up my list of favorite characters once again. Bella
is annoyed at herself for crying because the tears are blurring her vision, and she wants to
be able to stare at Edward as clearly as possible.
Though she's happy to be with Edward, she can't let go of the thought of those people
being killed by the Volturi vampires. Edward wishes she didn't witness the horror. Notice
that he doesn't wish the horror wasn't occurring, just that he's sorry Bella had to hear it.
Are you beginning to see why I'm so angry with these people?
Bella's mind tries to handle the situation, but she'd much rather be staring at Edward.
Even with all the death that is going on a few feet from where they are sitting, she is
happy to be in his lap. Yeah, now you're starting to see why I'm peeved.
Edward says that it's OK for Bella to feel happy. After all, they didn't die. Meanwhile,
innocent people are being killed as he says these reassuring words. I know that Edward
and Alice are no match for the Volturi. But what kind of a hero would stand by and let
these vampires feast upon poor, innocent tourists? I guarantee you that if Jacob were
here, he'd wolf-out and kill as many Volturi as he could…and then jetpack away to safety
before returning to finish the job.
I like the Volturi as villains. (Yes, even the silly Marcus.) But the fact that Edward
doesn't give a crap about the evil things they're doing is astonishing. This is like
Superman flying with Lois Lane over an earthquake and instead of helping people out,
deciding it's best to not get involved and spending the time touching Lois instead.
A lot of people are dying in the very next room, while Bella and Edward are touching
faces. I can't believe Edward stands by and lets this happen. Worse than that, I can't
believe that the Cullens have let this happen for a century or longer.
And don't tell me that these Volturi vampires cannot be killed, because that's a lame
excuse. Emmett could kill a bunch of them. And even if you couldn't kill them, you could
at least warn everyone about them. Put up some flyers. Make a safety video. Anything
would be better than doing nothing. The Volturi victims are probably nice people who
had families and friends. Should we forget about them simply because we never got to
know them?
Eddie and Belly are just happy to be in each others' arms, the selfish dips that they are.
Even if Edward doesn't want to stop the killing because he's loyal to his race (which isn't
much of a justification, if you ask me), then Bella sure as hell better report these Volturi
vampires to the CIA, or the X-Files, or at the very least her local member of Congress.
The Volturi vamps no doubt run the Italian government. But if Bella remains silent, then
she is a despicable human being.
Alice takes a peek at the future, and says things are looking good for tomorrow; in
twenty-four hours, she will reunite with Jasper. Meanwhile, I bet one of the victims in the
death chamber had a wife and kids who will never get to see their father again. But that's
OK, because Alice will get to see Jasper in twenty-four hours. Neat!
Edward and Bella stare at each other for a bit. Bella wants to know what will happen
now. Will Edward leave again? Does this rescue mission change things? But she doesn't
want to hear the answers. So they continue to make sexy, passionate faces at one another.
Meanwhile in the death chamber, I bet a young newlywed couple is being killed. But
that's fine, because Edward is so sexy-looking and kisses Bella's hair so delicately that we
shouldn't think about those people.
With Bella in La-La Land thinking of Edward's perfect face, Eddie and Alice are trying to
figure out the logistics of leaving Volterra. During this conversation, Alice asks what "La
tua cantante" referred to. To be honest, I don't remember that phrase from the previous
chapter, but I assume one of the Volturi used it while I was busy thinking of Marcus and
giggling. In all seriousness, Marcus: Does Amy Adams think I'm cool? Would wearing a
darker jean make Amy Adams like me more? How about a hat? Also, does my Dad like
my brother more than me?
Edward says that phrase has something to do with singers. "Singers" is a goofy vampire
term for a human whose blood calls out (or sings) to a vampire, just as Bella's blood calls
to Edward. How romantic! Meanwhile the Volturi may have also killed a young college
student who begged his parents to let him go to Italy for a semester. Now that college
student is in the process of becoming vampire pee, and he will never get to know what it
feels like to be old. But hey, at least Bella and Edward are soulmates, right? That's nifty!
I miss Jacob.
In the beginning of the chapter, Bella was freaked out after hearing people die. And I
appreciated her humanity. But after spending some time in Eddie's lap, she doesn't seem
to care as much about the innocent people that were just murdered. Maybe Jessica was
right about Bella all along.
After all the excitement, Bella is getting sleepy. (Being apathetic towards innocent people
dying will certainly tucker you out.) But she fights to stay awake because she doesn’t
want to miss a moment with Edward. As Alice and Eddie talk, he occasionally leans
down to kiss Bella's forehead and hair. You know who won't get any more forehead
kisses from a loved one? The child whose parents were probably just massacred by the
Volturi vampires. This poor kid will now be passed around from foster home to foster
home and grow up to be an alcoholic who will never have closure on his parents' death.
But you go ahead and enjoy your forehead smooches, Bella. You deserve them after all
you went through.
Alec, the vampire kid, comes into the room, looking as though he's been well fed. He
tells Eddie and the gang that are free to go, but they should leave Volterra as soon as
possible. They leave the office/castle and walk back out into the plaza.
Alice runs off to steal another car and grab the luggage that she hid. You know who will
never be able to steal another car and grab hidden luggage again? The Volturi victims,
one of whom was probably a nice old lady who fed stray cats and enjoyed crossword
puzzles.
They all pile in the new car and head to the airport. On the ride, Edward tells Bella she
should get some sleep. But Bella refuses, because she can't miss a second of Eddie-time.
Right about now, I bet the girlfriend of one of the Volturi victims is probably wondering
why her boyfriend isn't answering his cell phone. Maybe Edward will be nice enough to
explain to her what happened.
EDWARD: Hey, your boyfriend was eaten up by vampires.

GIRL: What!
EDWARD: Yeah. These vampires kill lots of people all the time. They've been doing it
for centuries. Weird, right?
GIRL: Did you try to stop them?
EDWARD: Nope. It would be too hard. Besides, I was busy smooching.
GIRL: But you could at least alert the authorities!
EDWARD: Huh? That's stupid. You smell stupid. I'm outtie. Peace y'all!
On the plane, Bella asks the flight attendant for a soda to keep awake. But Edward doesn't
want her to have soda because it will keep her awake and he's really mean. So he acts like
a strict parent by simply saying her name in a condescending manner. What the hell,
dude! It's soda. She's not snorting heroin. The girl just witnessed the murder of dozen or
so people. If she wants a damn soda-pop, she can have a damn soda-pop. Ugh. I'm so
mad right now I don't even want to make a joke here. (Oh, who am I kidding? I can't
resist it.)
Q: Why did the heroic vampire cross the road?

A: To ignore the genocide that was happening on the other side.
Bella says she needs the soda to keep her awake because if she goes to sleep, she will
have nightmares. Aww. Poor Bella. You know who will never have nightmares again?
The Volturi victims, one of whom may have been a kindly old man who saved up his
entire life to pay for a trip to Italy, only to be eaten by vampires in the room next to were
Edward and Bella stared at each other affectionately.
On the plane, Bella thinks about asking Edward all of her burning questions, but she
doesn’t want to ruin this time together. So they sit in silence, and touch each other's faces
quite a bit. This is so weird. If ever saw two people on a plane touching faces for the
entire trans-Atlantic flight, I would suspect they were on drugs.
Bella stays awake for the entire trip back to Seattle. At the airport, Jasper, Carlisle, and
Esme are waiting. It's a warm homecoming with lots of hugs. Carlisle thanks Bella and
then says, "We owe you."
For what? What exactly did Bella do? Aro was never going to kill Edward. Bella's
involvement did nothing except make the Cullens fork over more money for airfare.
Some might argue that she put a stop to Edward's death wish. But if she hadn't shown up
at Volterra, Edward eventually would have learned that this whole situation was a stupid
misunderstanding. And then he could have gone back to eating donkeys in Mexico, or
wherever the heck he was chilling out.
By the way, do you know who will never get the chance to go to Mexico and eat
donkeys? The Volturi victims, one of whom may have been a schoolteacher who wanted
nothing more in life than to help others and visit Italy one day. And she probably handed
out whole candy bars on Halloween.
Outside the airport, Emmett and Rosalie are waiting by the car. Emmett! Yay! Granted, I
was hoping Emmett would do more in this book than just install stereos and lean against
cars. But a mundane Emmett is better than no Emmett.
Edward is angry with Rosalie because he thinks she started this whole "Bella's dead"
problem by telling Eddie about Alice's vision. But isn’t this really all Alice's fault? Or
maybe it's Edward's fault for jumping to conclusions? Do you know who can never jump
to conclusions again? The Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a doctor who spent
her life curing the sick, contributing to charities, and making the world a better place.
Esme says that Edward and Bella should ride with Emmett and Rosalie, to give Rosie a
chance to apologize. Edward glowers again. (I’m still trying to glower, but I keep biting
my cheek. I must be doing something wrong.) They pile into the car, and Rosalie tries to
apologize, but Edward is still mad. She then turns and talks to Bella for the first time in
this entire series. She says how sorry she is for everything. Bella is so exhausted that she
doesn't even care, just like she doesn't care about the Volturi victim who was probably
going to propose to his girlfriend in Italy and together they would one day adopt several
unwanted dogs from the pound.
Bella falls asleep. She wakes up when she hears Charlie's voice. Edward drove Bella
home and is carrying her to her house. But Charlie is not a happy man. He hates Edward
and what he put his daughter through last year. So the sight of Eddie carrying his only
child does not go over well. He wants to take the groggy Bella from Edward, but Bella
tries to yell at her dad. She wants her dad to be angry with her, not at Edward.
Edward says that once he gets her upstairs to her room, he will leave. Bella doesn't like
the sound of that, and screams, "No." She wants Edward to stay forever and ever. But
Edward whispers, "I won't be far." He then carries her into the house.
Prediction: Edward and Bella watch an entire children's hospital filled with patients burn
to the ground as they lovingly stroke each other's faces. Bella then turns her head to look
at the burning horror. She gets a tummy ache, and Edward says, "Don't worry about those
people who are burning alive. Would you like to see me take my shirt off slowly?" Bella
nods her head enthusiastically.
Chapter Twenty-
Three: The Truth
Better Title: The
Glower Hour
Can someone explain

this chapter to me? I
understand what
happens in the story, but
the conversations
between Bella and
Edward are written in a
code that I'm not able to
crack. (So far, I've
established it's not
written in English or
semaphore. And holding the book up to a mirror revealed nothing.) Perhaps the author
just plucked random bits of dialogue from soap operas and made-for-TV movies, mixed
them all up, and threw them into this chapter randomly.
For the first three pages of the chapter, Bella thinks everything that happened in Italy was
a dream. Even when Edward (who watched her sleep all night) speaks to her, she thinks
she's dreaming. Once she rubs her eyes and gets a good look at him, she assumes she died
after jumping from the cliff. Why else would he be with her? She tries to determine if
she's in heaven or hell. Edward says, "I can't imagine what you could have done to wind
up in hell."
Oh gee, I don't know. What could possible send Bella to Hades for all eternity? Maybe
she once said a swear word. Or maybe she didn't eat her veggies. Or maybe it's the fact
that she ignores the thousands of innocent people who are dying in Italy right now at the
hands of the Volturi vampires! Sorry. Sorry. I assumed all my anger had been left on the
pages of the last blog, but I was wrong. I'll try to keep it together.
Edward explains that their trip to Italy was real, and tells Bella that she's been asleep for
nearly fourteen hours. Charlie told Edward never to come back into his house, so Edward
is breaking the rules by sneaking in to watch Bella sleep.
Bella flips out. She's angry at her dad for banning Edward from his house. I'm siding with
Charlie. Why would Bella assume Charlie would just let Edward come back? Did she
honestly expect the conversation to happen like this:
EDWARD: Hey Charlie. Mind if I come in?

CHARLIE: Not at all, silly goose. Come right in. Go upstairs and watch Bella sleep. Just
try not to ruin her life again. OK?
EDWARD: I make no promises.
CHARLIE: Well, that's good enough for me. Can I call you "son"?
Edward offers Bella an apology. He didn't know that Victoria was going to strike again,
and he feels awful for leaving Bella unprotected. He especially feels bad for making her
turn to the werewolves for support. He describes them as "immature, volatile, and the
worst things out there besides Victoria." Whoa! Back the truck up.
First, werewolves rule.
Second, does Edward honestly think werewolves are evil? The same werewolves who
don't kill innocent people? The same werewolves who saved Bella's life while he was
being a doofus? The same werewolves who have more humanity and compassion in their
tails than Edward and all the Cullens have put together? The same werewolves who aren't
afraid to fight, and, in fact, go looking for a evil instead of running away from it? The
same werewolves who have unmentioned jetpacks? Are those the werewolves that Eddie
thinks are so horrible? I wonder who else is on his "worst things" list? A few guesses:
1. Victoria
2. Werewolves
3. Kittens
4. Tom Hanks
5. Firefighters
6. Joyfulness
Third, Edward ran away to kill himself after learning from an unreliable source that Bella
was dead. I'd consider that action to be both immature and volatile, wouldn't you? People
in immature glass houses shouldn't throw volatile stones, Eddie.
Fourth, werewolves rule.
As Edward continues to apologize, Bella tries to make him stop. She doesn't want him to
feel guilty about putting her in danger. She tells him that none of this was his fault (but it
was). She assumes that he wanted to commit suicide out of guilt for leaving her
unprotected.
But he says that's not true. He wanted to die because he does not want to live in a world
without a Bella. (I feel the same way about Twizzlers, so I know where he's coming
from…for once.)
He admits that he was stupid for not checking out the information about Bella's death
before jaunting off to Italy. He even acknowledges that the series of events that lead to
his suicide attempt were pretty coincidental. I half-expected him to add, "See Bella, the
only reason I left you and then tried to kill myself was because Stephenie Meyer made
me. She also makes me murmur, mutter, and glower all the time."
At this point in the chapter, the conversation becomes muddled and confusing. There's
talk about remembering what the other person said before, and what those things meant.
Someone mentions a forest. They talk about lies. I think someone murmurs and mutters at
the same time. There may have also been some glowering.
From what I gather, Edward loves Bella. Bella loves Edward. After Jasper attacked Bella,
Edward had to leave…for some reason. (I'm still not clear on that part). When they broke
up in the forest, Eddie lied to Bella by saying he didn't want her anymore. In fact, he
wanted her very much. But he couldn't tell her that because he wanted her to be able to
move on. So he acted like a jerk-bomb. And his plan eventually worked because after a
few months, she was finally moving on thanks to the ridiculously awesome Jacob.
Did I get all of that correct? I could go back and reread this part of the book, but I don't
want to. The sooner I get this done, the sooner I can reward myself with Twizzlers. (I tie
them into knots before eating them, because they taste better that way…despite what the
producers of Mythbusters keep telling me in curtly worded email responses.)
When Edward explains that he will always want Bella, she stares at him, mystified. He
then shakes her shoulders, which is rather odd and somewhat abusive. She says this all
must be a dream because why would he want to be with her at all? He says she is an idiot.
I agree. Also, didn't this exact same conversation occur about seven times in the last
book? (I know this because there are seven dents in my wall from when I threw the first
book across the room.)
There's more talk about having hurt feelings and being able to move on. Ed asks Bella if
she still loves him, and she answers,"Duh!" (I'm paraphrasing). To convince Bella that
this is no dream, he goes in for a passionate kiss. It's so passionate that it takes up two
lengthy paragraphs of naughty description.
During these two paragraphs I begin to think about those tanning mirrors people hold
under their chins in movies and on TV. I've never seen one of those in real life. Have
you? Can you buy them? Maybe "neck and chin tanning mirrors" are another fabrication
of Hollywood, just like Light Sabers and Blair Witches. What do you call those mirrors,
anyway?
When the kiss is over, Edward reassures Bella that he's not going away. He tries to
rationalize why he left in the first place, mentioning that he wanted her to have a shot at
living a normal life. But now he doesn't want to leave because…of some reason. (Not
sure what that reason is. Probably has something to do with passion and souls.)
He tries to explain how much Bella means to him by comparing her to a comet in the
moonless sky that is his life. Wow. This chapter just keeps on going, huh? There is a lot
more talk about hearts, love, and hollow, empty lives.
Can I be done now? No? Well can I blog about something else for the next few
paragraphs?
I could blog about the commercial that's on right now. It's about a fiber cereal, and that
guy who's in other commercials is in this commercial. You know that guy, right? He's
like, a middle-aged dude. He's in all kind of ads. I think he was on The Wire. Anyway,
he's talking about fiber. No wait! I'm thinking of some other guy from The Wire. Never
mind.
The Wire is a good show. Can I blog about that instead? See, it's not until you watch all
five seasons of The Wire that you truly appreciate the Dickensian nature of the story. It's
genuinely epic. Or I could blog about corn and acorns, and how the two words are
similar, yet one is a vegetable and the other is an inedible nut. That's funny, right? No?
Crap. On with the story…
Edward explains that while he was away, he was trying to track Victoria, because he felt
obligated to kill her after what James did to Bella. But Edward is a horrible tracker, and
went looking for her in Brazil, when in fact Victoria was back in Forks.
How did this happen? Why did he go to Brazil?
EDWARD: Now, if I were Victoria, where would I go to seek revenge? Would I go back
to Forks to kill the only woman I ever loved? No. That's silly. Would I go to Florida to
kidnap Bella's mother? Ha! That's laughable because it's too easy. Hmm. Wait! I've got it!
Brazil! Pack my Glower Goggles, 'cause I'm heading to South America, baby!
By the way, Emmett killed James, right? So why is Victoria going after Bella and not
Emmett? This is like if your boyfriend breaks your heart, and you seek revenge by
attacking your boyfriend's brother's clumsy girlfriend. It seems misguided.
Edward thinks it should be easy to find and kill Vickie now that he knows she's hanging
around Forks. Bella hates the idea of him trying to kill Victoria (she still assumes
Victoria is the Voldemort of vampires, I guess). Plus, she says she has more important
matters than Victoria to deal with.
Bella is worried about the Volturi coming to Forks to check if Edward and Alice made
good on their promise to turn her into a vampire. But Edward says that since vampires are
immortal, they don't perceive time the same way humans do, and it may be a while before
they come to Forks. Bella might be thirty years old by the time Aro and the gang decide
to check on things.
This sets Bella off. She hated turning eighteen, and the mention of thirty makes her sick,
because it suggests Edward has no intention of turning her into a vampire. She argues
with him, but he says he wants her to live a human life. Then there is more talk about
souls, but nothing beats my favorite line from earlier in the book, "This is about my soul,
isn't it?" (P.S. If that line is in the movie, I want it as my ringtone. Not joking.)
She reminds Edward that she will die some day, in the hopes that this will convince him
to transform her into a vampire. He says that when she dies, he will follow right behind
her. (Don't believe him, Bella. It a trap! Just like the time my brother told me that if I ate
a live caterpillar, he would do it to. But he never did! He just pointed and laughed, and
that's exactly what Edward will do too.)
She then argues that the Volturi will come back and see that she is still human. Edward
says with a grin, "I have a few plans." At the risk of spoiling the next books, I believe I
already know what Edward's plans are:
Step One: Put Bella's hair down.
Step Two: Run away and let Emmett and Jacob handle it.
Step Three: Continue to search for Victoria in outer space, which is the most logical place
she'd be.
Step Four: Move to Detroit, change his name, and begin a new life as private investigator
Leroy Munny.
Bella assumes that whatever plans Edward is concocting, they all involve her remaining
human, and this makes her mad. Then, not only does Edward glower, but Bella glowers
too. It's a glower party! Good thing I've been practicing. (The trick is to not worry so
much about your nostrils. Let the lips do all of the work!)
Bella gets up and puts her shoes on. She tells Eddie that she's going to the Cullens' house
to take a vote on whether or not she should be turned into a vampire. Edward, realizing
there's little he can do to stop her, offers to give her a ride. And I honestly cannot believe
a book that had the potential to be very cool is ending in such a disappointing manner.
Prediction: Bella makes her case to the Cullens, arguing that she should be turned into a
vampire. Then, on little slips of paper, they vote by anonymously answering the question,
"Should Bella be made into a vampire?" Three people wrote "Yes." Three people wrote,
"No." And one person writes, "Whatever. Let's go head butt some tigers."
Chapter Twenty-Four:
Vote
Better Title: Some Junk
Happens and Edward
Says Things. Bella Says
Things Too.
Would you like to know

a secret? Edward and
Bella are in love!
Shocking, right? Who
would have thought that
these two would ever…
Wait a moment. That's
not secret at all! We
knew that from the first
book. So why does this chapter treat the news about their love as if it's some huge
revelation? Next, Bella will stun the world with reports that Charlie enjoys fishing.
Bella and Edward are on their way to the Cullen house, where they will take a vote to see
if Bella should become a vampire. (Isn't there a reality show on VHI with this same
premise?) Bella rides on Edward's back. As they get closer to the house, he slows down
to a walking pace, and I wonder why she's still riding him if he's just walking. Her
laziness knows no bounds, and soon she will ask him to push her around in one of those
off-road baby strollers, the kind with the chunky bike wheels.
As Edward walks, Bella says that she's not good enough for him. He says that's a lie. OK.
I think I understand why this same topic of conversation is used again and again
throughout the series. Stephenie Meyer forgot that she already wrote this part, and her
editor was too shy to mention that Meyer was repeating herself. (This would also explain
the overuse of the words "glower," "murmur," and "muttered.") It's like when your
grandma sends your birthday card to your brother, and no one wants to bring it up
because it's just too sad and awkward.
That being the case, I'm so sorry that I made fun of you, Ms. Meyer. Go ahead and
rewrite this same bit of dialogue as many times as you'd like, poor thing. I'll make you
some tea.
Bella asks if Eddie will return the stuff he stole from her when he wanted to erase all
evidence of his existence. He says the items he took, such as the photos and the CD, are
hidden in the floorboards of her house. He explains why he left them someplace where
she would eventually find them, but I don't remember the reason. Let's just say he did it
because of global warming. Cool?
Bella admits that she heard Edward's voice while he was away in Brazil. She tells him
that his voice would manifest itself whenever she put her life in danger. He doesn't
understand how that could happen, and she offers up a brilliant explanation:
She heard the voices because Edward loves her.
Huh? What? I was willing to believe that Dream Edward was caused by magic or
vampire mysticism. But if the reason behind the voices was simply that Edward loves
Bella, then I'm glad this silly book is ending. Maybe Stephenie Meyer will blame all of
the mysteries and problems in the book on love.
Why are Alice's powers so finicky? Because Edward loves Bella.
Why is Bella immune to some vampire powers, but not others? Because Edward loves
Bella.
How can vampires go to airports and travel on airplanes without sparkling in the
sunlight? Because Edward loves Bella.
Why does this book feel as though it should have ended fifty pages ago? Because Edward
loves Bella.
Where the hell is Jacob right now? Because Edward loves Bella.
This new declaration of love leads to kissing. Eddie and Bella then walk into the house
and all of the Cullens meet in the dining room as she begins to make her case.
Her main argument is that if the Cullens refuse to transform her into a vampire, she will
go to Italy and turn herself over to the Volturi, because she doesn't want them coming to
Forks and causing problems for the Cullens. That's very thoughtful of her. After all, you
wouldn't want the Volturi vampires to hurt someone that you know. (Unlike the poor
Volturi victims you didn't know, one of whom probably made homemade applesauce
with her Grammy on Thanksgiv…sorry. Moving on.)
Edward interrupts and says that the Volturi are no threat to them because (cue the heroic
trumpets) he knows something they don't. The Volturi vampire named Demetri has a
super powered ability to find people. Demetri would be able to track Bella, and this was
why the Volturi let the Cullens go so easily. But Aro and Demetri forgot that Bella is
immune to (some) vampire powers. So Demetri's tracking ability won't help him find
Bella.
This leads to Edward's brilliant plan (cue louder, more heroic trumpets): Trust Alice.
When Alice gets a vision that the Volturi are coming to Forks, Edward will hide Bella.
Once Bella is hidden, he will take care of the Volturi if they come after him.
Yep. It's another brilliant Cullen plan. Let's break this down, shall we?
First, why would you ever put Bella's safety in the hands of an unreliable fortuneteller?
I'd sooner believe in my grandpa's bum knee telling me if we're going to have a cold
winter than trust Alice's visions.
Second, though I don't really understand Alice's powers, I know that to see the future,
especially if it involves someone she's not close with, requires a lot of concentration.
Does Edward expect Alice to live the rest of her life in a constant state of meditation,
waiting for the Volturi to come to Forks? What if they decide to come while Alice is
trying to solve a Sudoku puzzle or when she's watching a complicated movie like The
Departed?
Third, Edward is going to hide Bella? How? Where? I assume that these powerful Volturi
vampires will not simply go away after they check Bella's house.
ARO: Hey, is Bella home?

CHARLIE: No.
ARO: Very well. [To the other Volturi] Let's go back to Italy. Our work here is done.
MARCUS: Wait! I'm…sensing…something. Brad Pitt still has feelings for Jennifer
Aniston!
ARO: [sigh] I'm not sitting with you on the flight back.
If Demetri can't find Bella with his mind, why wouldn't the Volturi find her in another,
more conventional way, such as by kidnapping her mom, or simply asking around town?
And finally, if Edward is willing to take on all of the Volturi single-handedly, then why
didn't he do it a few days ago? Why doesn't he do it right now? What is he waiting for?
Jasper and Emmett like the idea of fighting the Volturi, because they are fantastic. (Jasper
is now higher than Alice on my list of favorite characters.) But the others are not so
impressed with Edward's plan.
With both sides of the argument on the table, the vote is taken. Alice and Jasper think
Bella should become a vampire. Edward and Rosalie say no. Esme says yes. Emmett
says, "Hell, yes!" (I'm not paraphrasing.)
When Bella turns to Carlisle to get his vote, he looks to Edward and says that turning
Bella into a vampire makes sense. Edward storms out and breaks something in the other
room, which is a not a smart move considering that the last time Bella was at the Cullen
house, a piece of paper sliced her and ruined everything. Smashing glass objects near the
clumsy Bella could lead to much more dire circumstances, such as forcing the Cullens to
run away for nine months, instead of just eight.
Bella looks to Alice and asks when they can begin the transformation. But Alice is having
second thoughts because she's not certain that she can do this without killing Bella.
Carlisle says he could do it.
Edward screams and rushes back into the room. He grabs Bella's face in a rather nasty
manner. He doesn't let go as Carlisle says he'd be happy to transform Bella. She tries to
thank Carlisle but it's hard to talk with Edward gripping her face. Um…Emmett,
shouldn't you stop your dorky brother from abusing his girlfriend? This is not acceptable
boyfriend behavior. And at the risk of beating a dead horse, Edward's reaction laughs in
the face of his argument that werewolves are immature and volatile.
Edward lets her go and offers a compromise, arguing that Bella doesn't need to be
transformed right away. They should wait until Bella finishes school.
Bella reluctantly accepts this idea, and Carlisle promises to do the deed after Bella
graduates. With that settled, Edward carries Bella home. At her house, he asks her what
she would want more than anything else in the word.
Instead of saying something logical, such as "a million-billion dollars" or "a parrot that
tells dirty jokes," Bella says her only wish is to have Edward transform her instead of
asking Carlisle to do the honors. He expected that answer and says he will gladly do it
himself, but only if she waits five years.
She doesn't like this deal, and they negotiate for a while, but they cannot agree on the
terms. He then says that he will transform her right away if she agrees to marry him.
This is a no-brainer, right? It would be like peanut butter asking jelly to marry him. (And
quite frankly, PB should marry J because they're living in sin. God sees what you do
between the bread, guys.) But Bella doesn't want to marry Edward. Part of the reason is
that she witnessed her parents' marriage come apart, and that could turn someone off the
idea of matrimony. But a more likely reason is that Stephenie Meyer wants to drag this
out for two more books.
Bella refuses the offer. Edward asks if she would accept the proposal if he had a ring to
give her, and for some weird reason, she starts to scream, "No! No rings!" I guess the girl
doesn't like rings. And she's going to hate the Christmas present I made for her. (It's a
tiny hula-hoop for your fingers.)
The noise wakes Charlie, and Edward quickly leaps out of the window before Charlie
opens Bella's door to see what's going on. Charlie and Bella then have a dramatic
conversation.
He's pissed off, and rightfully so. The poor guy just lost a good friend, and now his
daughter is back with the creep who ruined her life. Charlie asks where she's been for the
past three days, and Bella makes up some excuse about misunderstandings. She tells him
Edward and the rest of the Cullens are back for good. Charlie warns Bella to stay away
from them.
She threatens to move out if Charlie won't let her see Eddie. She tells her dad to "Think it
over." She's acting like a brat. If she were my daughter, I would boot her out of the house
right then and there (I also would have named her Optimus Prime instead of Isabella).
I miss Jacob.
Charlie leaves and Edward returns to her room. He says that if she does move out, she
could probably stay with the Cullens, if she doesn't mind living with soulless monsters.
Bella gets mad at Edward for thinking that vampires are soulless monsters. Edward
"glowers" at her. (Come on, Ms. Meyer. You must know another word besides "glower."
Did you buy too many boxes of "glower" and "murmur" at the Word Store and needed to
use them up before they expired? This is getting ridiculous.)
She thinks that deep down Edward knows he has a soul. Then they kiss. And the book
ends…except for a chapter-length epilogue.
Prediction: Edward tries to make another deal with Bella. He will transform her into a
vampire in exchange for $30 and two minutes of French kissing. Bella haggles him down
to $15 and a pat on the butt.
This is Dan's final post
on New Moon. It went
by so fast, didn't it?
Epilogue: Treaty
Better Title: Let's Get
Ready to (not) Rumble!
Yeah, Bella! That's

what you get for
treating Jacob like an
old shoe! That's what
you get for lying to your
dad! Go home and cry
about it to your chilly,
boring boyfriend! And
enjoy eating spaghetti indoors, you humorless grump! Jacob "The Thunder" Black doesn't
need you anymore! Boo-ya!
That is what was going through my mind during the epilogue. (Though part of the time I
worried that I was coming down with a cold. Don't you hate that? You think you might
be sick, but you're not ready to label yourself as officially "sick.")
I'm sure some read this pseudo-chapter and came away from it thinking that Jacob is a
jerk. I came away from it hoping that the next book is nothing but Jacob riding his
motorcycle across the country, killing any vampires that get in his way, as he tries to find
himself on the open road.
The epilogue picks up a few days or weeks after the last chapter, with things returning to
normal for Bella. The only problem is her grades have been suffering, probably because,
as near as I can tell, she hasn't been to class since before Spring Break.
Charlie is still mad, and while Edward is allowed to visit Bella, Charlie doesn't speak to
him. I don't see this as much of a problem, because something tells me these two never
had long, thoughtful conversations.
Edward and Alice (and Jasper?) are back in school with Bella, though it's never explained
how they managed to dupe the school district into letting them return. I bet it involved
Alice stealing a car. That seems to solve most of the Cullens' problems.
Yet one thing has changed for Bella: Jacob is giving her the cold shoulder. She wants to
talk to him, but she's grounded, so driving to La Push to see him is out of the question.
And he won't accept her phone calls. The good news is that she doesn't care about Jacob
as long as she has Eddie-kins with her. The bad news is that I'm definitely getting a cold.
She tells us, "With Edward near me, it was hard to think about unhappy things—even my
former best friend who was probably very unhappy right now, due to me." So Bells
doesn't care about Jacob (or the poor Volturi victims, or Victoria). She even refers to
Jacob as a "leftover, unresolved character."
Still, part of her wants to talk to him. She keeps trying to call him, but he doesn't answer.
And why would he? She left him high and dry to jaunt off to Italy to save the life of
someone who was a jerk to her. It would be like Princess Lei leaving Han Solo so she
could go off and save Jabba the Hutt, and then expecting Han Solo to make lasagna with
her when she returned.
Bella is getting annoyed with Jacob. She tells Edward that Jake is acting rude. She goes
on and on about it, and assumes that even Billy hates her now. Edward says, "It's not you,
Bella. Nobody hates you." And with that, my hand shoots up in the air, as I eagerly yelp,
"Ooh! I do! Over here!"
Eddie says that Jacob is keeping his distance because the Cullens are back. If Jacob came
around, it would only end in violence. Edward seems pretty sure of himself, saying that
he would kill Jacob in a fight. I agree, because we all know the Edward is a mighty
warrior…wait. No we don't. The closest thing Edward has done to fighting in this entire
series is stopping a van and playing a lullaby. My money's on Jacob.
Bella says she needs to get home before Charlie freaks out about how late it is, but
Edward senses more trouble than Bella realizes. No, it's not Victoria. (That would have
made too much sense.) Edward senses that Charlie is mad as hell because Jacob finally
stopped by the Swan house, bringing with him Bella's motorcycle.
For those who don't remember, Bella hid her motorcycle from Charlie because he made it
perfectly clear that motorcycles are death machines, and Bella was not allowed to ride
one. So she stashed it at Jacob's house. But now Jake has returned, and is revealing
everything to Charlie.
Bella is mad and frustrated. She doesn't understand why Jacob would do something so
mean. She jumps out of the car screaming, "Traitor!"
For the record, while Bella was off in Italy, the "traitorous" Jacob was back in Forks,
making sure that Victoria didn't rip out her father's throat. He has also done everything
that Bella asked him to do, from teaching her how to ride a motorcycle, to helping her
find the love meadow, to not eating Alice's face. I think "traitor" is too strong a word.
Perhaps "Super awesome dude" would be more apropos.
Edward says that Jacob isn't here to see Bella. He's here as a spokesperson for the
werewolves. And this meeting has more to do with Edward than Bella.
They find Jacob leaning against a tree nearby. Instead of exchanging a proper greeting,
they get right into it. Bella demands to know why Jacob brought the motorcycle to her
house. He brought the bike in an attempt to get her in trouble, hoping that if she was
grounded, she wouldn't be able to touch faces with Edward.
Is Jacob being petty? No doubt about it. But part of me thinks Bella had it coming. You
can't ditch your best friend, leaving him with a heap of responsibility, just so you can go
act like an irrational brat. Besides, why would Jacob want to hang on to Bella's
motorcycle? It's taking up space, and is a constant reminder that she doesn't love him. I'm
not saying I would do the same thing (I'd probably just write her a passive-aggressive
email with the subject line "I'm really, really happy for you. Really."), but I can see where
Jake is coming from.
Then it's Jacob's turn to glower. I'm not kidding. Stephenie Meyer uses the word "glower"
again. And this is preceded by a "murmur."
That does it. Similar to that game where you guess the number of jelly beans in a jar, I'm
going to hold an informal contest.
For the next book, Eclipse, predict how many times the word "glower" and "murmur"
will be used (this includes all variations of the words: glowered, murmured, glowering,
etc.). "Muttering" and "mutter" do no count. If you've already read the book, guess how
many times you saw those words. NO COUNTING.
Write your answers in the comments section below. For instance, Glower: 12, Murmur:
11,409. I'll keep a running tally as I blog Eclipse. The person who guesses closest to the
actual tally for BOTH words, without going over, will win a worthless prize (probably a
one-of-a-kind Dan Bergstein original drawing, or I'll write you your very own
vampire/werewolf rap).
Should two or more people guess the same numbers (cheaters!), those names will be
placed in a hat and drawn at random. You may only guess once. Because I'm not reading
ahead, we won't know the answer for a month or two. After the first Blogging Eclipse
article is posted, no more guesses will be accepted. Deal? Deal. Now back to the story…
The furious Bella explains that she was already grounded for going to Italy, so Jacob
didn't need to be a tattletale. Before things go any further, Edward offers his gratitude to
Jacob.
He's thankful that the werewolves were able to protect Bella from Laurent and Victoria.
He even says "I will owe you for the rest of my existence." Bella, take note. This is how
you show gratitude. (I honestly don’t remember if she ever thanked the werewolves for
saving her life and protecting her dad, but if she did, I doubt it was this heartfelt.)
Every now and then Edward will do something like this that makes me say, "Gee. That
was mighty decent of him." But then I remember how he left Bella for no reason, didn't
want to fight James for some reason, and acts like a sad emo kid despite having super
powers and a amazing brother, and my dislike of the character comes flooding back faster
than you can say, "Team Emmett."
Jacob says he's here to remind everyone about the peace treaty, specifically some key
points. He then glowers again. Again! Wow. Whatever number you thought about
guessing for the Glower/Murmur contest, you might want to go ahead and double it.
The treaty states that the truce ends if the Cullens bite a human being. Jacob makes sure
everyone understands that the treaty says "bite" and not "kill." It's safe to assume that
Jacob doesn't want the vampires to transform Bella.
This infuriates Bella, who says it's none of Jake's business if the vampires bite her. He
tries to control himself, and mashes his fists to his head. (Ooh! Maybe the muscle I need
to flex in order to become a werewolf is in my head! Where's the Advil? I've got an idea!)
Edward warns Bella to be careful, but Jacob "scowls" at Edward (which I guess is better
than glowering) and says he would never hurt her. Just as things become interesting,
Charlie screams Bella's name.
Jacob apologies to her for bringing the motorcycle, saying that he had to try anything he
could to stop her from seeing Edward. Before everyone leaves, Edward asks Jacob if the
werewolves know where Victoria went. Jacob says she took off when Alice showed up
and hasn't been back since.
Edward says that the vampires will handle Victoria now. But Jacob says that she killed on
La Push land, so the werewolves will take care of her. (Guys, you don't need to worry
about her. The immortal vampire will probably die of old age before her story is
resolved.)
Charlie screams for Bella even louder. She asks if Jacob will keep his promise to remain
friends with her. He says they can't be friends given the current circumstances. She wants
to hug him, but Edward won't let her. What a jerk. Is he worried that Jacob will pour cola
into her mouth?
Charlie keeps screaming. Bella and Edward walk towards his voice, leaving Jacob by
himself. He is the solitary warrior. He is the man left behind. He is the wild beast whose
broken heart no kiss can heal. He is…Mr. Black. [CUE THUNDER CRASH]
See, that's how the book should end. Instead, Bella prattles on about all the horrible
things facing her: Victoria. The Volturi. And the fact that if she becomes a vampire, the
werewolves will eat her. But as long as Edward is at her side, she can face anything. The
End.
Final Thoughts:
New Moon is 200 pages of an interesting story sandwiched between 100 pages of boring
set-up and 100 pages of ridiculous, silly events. Is it better than the first book? That's
hard to say. While the high points in New Moon (Bella and Jacob's relationship, the
werewolves, etc.) are much better than anything that happens in Twilight, the low points
in this book ("This is about my soul, isn't it?" and everything that happened after Alice
returned) are much worse than even the silliest Twilight sections. So in the end, it evens
out. New Moon is just as good/bad as Twilight.
Prediction for Eclipse:

The love between Bella and Edward will continue to grow, and she will promise to stay
true to him while she's away at college. But she'll meet new friends at college, and one
night, she will make the following drunken phone call to Edward.
BELLA: Ha-ha-ha!
EDWARD: Hello?
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: Bella? Is that you?
BELLA: [TO SOMEONE ELSE] Shh. Guys! I’m on the phone! [TO EDWARD] Did I
call you?
EDWARD: Are you OK?
BELLA: Hey! Have you heard of The Flaming Lips? They are, like…ohmygod! You
have to listen to them! Where are my shoes?
EDWARD: I really don't have time for this.
BELLA: And then this other guy [inaudible] all over the floor! And we all ran!
EDWARD: That's great Bella. But listen, Emmett just brought over a bear and we're
about to sit down to…
BELLA: [CRYING]
EDWARD: What's wrong?
BELLA: I think I kissed Jason last night. But it didn't mean anything. You know that,
right? He's just a friend. My roommate is a total beyotch. That's why I sleep at Jason's
now. That's OK, right? We only kiss because it's funny.
EDWARD: I don't like you when you're like this.
BELLA: Well, I don't like you when you're all…[MAKES A FUNNY DEEP VOICE]
Blah, blah, I'm Edward and I'm so smart because I don't have a bed. [LAUGHS] That's
what you sound like, dude!
EDWARD: I can't understand you. Why are you yelling?
BELLA: Jacob was the best! He was the best, and I wanted to kiss his mouth! But I
didn't! I didn't! [CRYING] Where are my shoes?
EDWARD: How much did you drink tonight?
BELLA: And I told everyone about vampires, but they're all like, blah, blah, blah! So we
don't need to worry. I have a bruise on my toe. Where are my shoes?
EDWARD: I don't think this relationship is working.
BELLA: Can I have $50? Don't ask me why I want it. Eww. My shirt smells like hot
dogs. Jason is just a friend. He showed my how to rock climb and his dad is a lawyer.
We're just friends.
EDWARD: I’m hanging up now.
BELLA: If I hold my nose like this, does it sound funny? [LAUGHS] Ooh! Pretty
Woman is on! I'm so watching this!
EDWARD: Goodbye….forever. [HANGS UP]
BLOGGING ECLIPSE
Blogging Eclipse: Part 1
We're halfway there!
For those just joining

the fun, I'm reading the
Twilight series for the
first time, and writing
about the experience on
a chapter by chapter
basis. Blogging
Twilight and Blogging
New Moon posts are
collected here.
For this book, I'll be

keeping a running tally
of the number of times
the author uses the words "glower" and "murmur."
Preface
Poor Bella Swan is once again in great peril, but luckily her "protector" is there to keep
her safe in this flash-forward that is similar to the previous novels. I'll assume her
protector is Edward, but I'm hoping that it's Emmett, Jacob, or a recently zombie-fied
Harry Clearwater. I'll go out on a limb and suggest that Bella has not been transformed
into a vampire yet, because why else would she act so weak? Of course, since becoming a
vampire amplifies certain aspects of your personality, perhaps when she was transformed,
her powers of weakness were boosted to the point where she cannot even yawn without
breaking a rib. This section ends with, "Somewhere, far, far away in the cold forest, a
wolf howled." Is there a chance that this book might be 100% awesome?
Chapter One: Ultimatum

Better Title: This Chapter Isn't Too Bad
The book begins with a handwritten note from the awesome Jacob Black. It seems that
Bella has been trying to get in touch with Jacob, but he's still angry. In the last book, she
left him high and dry so she could chill out with the boring, moody, smelly, humorless,
irrational, pretentious, uninteresting, elderly, chilly, morose, non-scary, depressed, over-
protecting, uptight, too-cool-for-school Edward Cullen…who I do not like.
Jacob sends the note in the hopes that Bella will stop pestering him. He can't be friends
with her as long as she continues to date Edward. Jacob is a werewolf. Edward is a
vampire. And for some reason that will probably anger me with its lack of logic, these
two species of monsters cannot play together. The note is a bit cold, and ends with Jake
saying that he still loves Bella, but love "doesn't change anything."
Naturally, I'm on Jacob's side. Bella wants it all: The vampire boyfriend and the tough,
amazing, tall, funny, friendly, outgoing, mechanically inclined, charming, brawny,
shirtless, shoeless, outdoorsy, and warm werewolf best friend.
The note features a few harsh lines that Jacob has crossed out. What he leaves in the note
is bland, and far less mean. It seems odd that he would edit his own work, and still submit
the crossed out lines. It would be like mailing the following note to Stephenie Meyer:
Dear Ms. Meyer,

I hate your words! I’m going to egg your house!
I bet you smell bad, and you probably wear dumb clothes!
Congratulations on your success. While I'm not a fan of the work, there is no denying
your popularity.
Wishing you nothing but the best,
Daniel A. Bergstein
Bella reminds us that Edward is her boyfriend, though she doesn't think "boyfriend" is the
right word for their relationship, a topic of conversation that she already dealt with way
back in the first book. Now she tells us, "I needed something more expressive of eternal
commitment." How about Forever Buddy?
Edward would like to call Bella his fiancée, but Bella doesn't want to marry him. This
does not make sense. She is willing to be turned into a vampire, dreams of spending the
rest of her life with Edward, and describes her relationship with him as one of "eternal
commitment" and yet she doesn't want to walk down the aisle? Talk about being finicky.
What's next?
BELLA: I want to swim underwater, using a breathing apparatus that is self-contained.

EDWARD: Would you like to go scuba diving?
BELLA: No! Never! How dare you suggest such a thing!? I hate you! I hate you! [RUNS
AWAY CRYING]
Bella's dad has made dinner, and it seems as though he wants to talk about something.
But Bella and her dad munch away on soggy spaghetti in silence. She looks to the clock,
because her forever buddy is allowed to come over after dinner. She then brings us up to
speed on the story, explaining why she's grounded.
I wonder if anyone started reading the Twilight Series out of order, and began with this
book. If so, you haven't missed much. But here is a summary of the events from the
previous books:
Twilight: Bella meets a vampire and falls in love. She drives a truck.
New Moon: The vampire runs away and Bella befriends a werewolf. She drives a
motorcycle. Things become awesome. She goes to Italy. Things become significantly less
awesome.
At the dinner table, Charlie starts reading the paper and mentions a recent string of
murders in Seattle. Gee, I wonder if these murders will impact Bella later in the story?
This would be like showing someone reading the headline "Icebergs Spotted in Ocean" in
the beginning of "Titanic." (For those keeping score, this is my second "Titanic"
reference in these blogs.)
Bella and Charlie have a talk. He's worried that she's neglecting her friends. She only
spends time with Edward and Alice, and has all but forgotten Angela, Mike, and of
course, Jacob. Still, Charlie suggests moderating Bella's punishment somewhat, because
she's been pretty good. He adds, "For a teenager, you're amazingly non-whiny."
Either Charlie assumes that "non-whiny" actually means "whiny", just like "inflammable"
actually means "flammable," or he's never spent more than ten minutes with his daughter.
85% of the past two books was nothing but Bella whining about how horrible her life is,
and how everything would be better if only Edward was with her, or she was a vampire,
or Jacob was her brother, or Edward wasn't a vampire, or she was good at volleyball.
Charlie doesn't know his daughter very well. I'm surprised he didn't add, "Not only are
you non-whiny, but you are also made of solid gold, and you can see through walls, and
you were born with eight lungs, and your happy-go-lucky personality really shines
through, brightening everyone's day."
Charlie will ease back the grounding, but only if Bella agrees to spend time with her
other friends. She reminds us who her non-monster friends are, but in a shocking turn of
events, Eric (E-Rock) is left out of her ramblings, and I fear that we will never hear from
him again. R.I.P. E-Rock. We hardly knew thee.
Charlie is trying to figure out what happened between Bella and Jacob that soured their
relationship. But Bella can't discuss the details, because the world of vampires and
werewolves is strictly secret…unless you're a depressed new girl in town. In which case,
you can't get the monsters to shut up about all of their secrets.
Bella would like to be friends with Mike and Angela, but thinks it will be too difficult.
The last book ended with the good vampires agreeing to transform Bella into a vampire
after she graduates high school. She's worried about being friends with humans after her
transformation, telling us, "For their own safety, I would never be able to see them again
after graduation."
Huh? Why can't she be friends with humans? Hell, Edward spends all day with humans. I
see no reason why Bella would have to ditch Angela. (Though I understand if she wants
to leave Mike behind, because I'm pretty sure he's a serial killer, or at the very least a
pervert.)
There is a lot of talk about Jacob and hurt feelings and conflicts. Bella halfheartedly
agrees to Charlie's terms, and says she will try her best to balance her time with Edward
and her other friends. Charlie gets up and hands Bella a letter. She's been accepted to the
University of Alaska Southeast. And then, Edward shows up…wearing a golden crown
and a tuxedo while riding a white stallion that is also wearing a tuxedo, as a choir of
angels sings and moonbeams glitter down from the heavens, surrounding him in cosmic
brilliance. (Some of that didn't actually happen.)
Bella describes him as "my own personal miracle." She then goes on and on about his
eyes, his smell, his skin, his breath. She looks him up and down, like he is a piece of
meat. The very sight of this perfect, smelly vampire leaves her literally breathless. This
could be quite serious. Does she act like this every time she sees him? Maybe she just has
asthma.
After five or six paragraphs of description, she finally says hi to Edward and invites him
inside. Was he just standing there this whole time, as Bella went into la-la land? I guess
he's used to this behavior by now. Maybe he brings along a magazine or he plays poker
on his iPhone to pass the time as Bella describes him in her own mind.
Edward grabs Bella's hand and smells it. In the book, this action is written with a bit more
passion, but yeah…he sniffs her. Do women like this? Every time I sniff a woman's hand,
it usually ends with her nervously saying, "Umm…" followed by, "OK, you can spit now.
The dentist will be with you in a moment."
Edward's plan for the night is to help Bella fill out college applications. While it's no
walk in a magical garden, or trip to Italy, at least Edward is being practical.
Though she applies to schools, Bella couldn't care less about going to college. She has no
career goals. She doesn't want to make a better life for herself or contribute to society.
She'd rather become a vampire and…um…I don't know…play Wii Sports all day while
drinking bear blood. Live the dream, Bella Swan. Live the dream.
Charlie says Edward can stay until 10:30, instead of making him leave at the typical 9:30
curfew. Edward acts surprised that Bella's punishment is easing, though he already knew
as much from reading Charlie's mind. Edward says this is good news because Alice wants
to go shopping in the city.
But Charlie quickly says that Bella shouldn't go to Seattle, because of the high murder
rate. And Edward, the over-protecting second parent, agrees. Charlie leaves, and Edward
and Bella begin filling out applications.
She doesn't understand why Edward wants her to apply to colleges that she cannot afford,
but Edward (who is filthy rich for some reason) tells her not to worry about cost. She
tosses the papers aside, but they are gone in an instant, as Edward uses his vampire super
speed to collect them.
He says he already filled out the applications, forged her signature, and used an essay that
she had already written. And wouldn't you know it, I just happen to have an excerpt from
Bella's essay. (Don't ask how I got it.)
Describe your approach to problem solving:
The most important aspect of problem solving is having a boyfriend who can run really
fast. Just like my boyfriend! He can stop cars with his hand! His skin is nice and we kiss
sometimes (on the mouth!). I can't tell you why he's so strong and powerful, but let's just
say that he's…bloody brilliant. Get it? Bloody? Anycrap, if I'm ever in trouble, I do
nothing at all and just wait for my forever buddy to save the day. Can he come to your
college too? He's mad smart!
(She then goes on a three page rant about his cold, hard skin.)
In conclusion, I never need to worry about problems.
The End
P.S. My forever buddy has gold eyes! Yummy!
In Bella's mind, going to college is still plan B. She'd much rather skip the college
experience and head right into the vampire way of life.
And then, ladies and gentlemen, we have our very first "murmur" of the novel. Edward
murmurs to Bella, telling her there's no rush for her to become a vampire. But Bella says,
"I want to be a monster, too," which would have made a much better title for this book.
(Would also be a great name for a costume store or body-piercing hut.)
Edward becomes angry at Bella's ignorance. He shows her the article in the paper, the
one Charlie mentioned earlier about the high murder rate in Seattle. Edward says there's a
rogue vampire in Washington who is responsible for the recent deaths.
Judging by the way this evil vampire is killing, Edward assumes it's a "newborn"
vampire. This begs the question: How can there be new vampires? If even the sweet-as-
sugar Alice Cullen is unwilling to transform Bella for fear that she might lose control and
kill Bells in the process, how does a human-hating vampire have enough willpower to
infect a new vamp without killing the victim? Maybe, just like a pregnancy, you can
catch vampirism from toilet seats. (Why are you looking at me like that?)
Bella gets sad thinking about all the vampire victims, but that quickly passes. Why think
about bad things when you have a supermodel boyfriend snorting your wrist? Bella tells
Edward that she's been thinking about Jacob a lot, and needs to see him to clear things up.
But Edward says, "You know it's out of the question for you to be around a werewolf
unprotected, Bella."
This is why I dislike Edward. He's an overbearing control freak who treats Bella like
she's his puppy. Why do girls like this guy so much? He's not a rebel, or a badass. He's
just a dad with thicker hair.
Thankfully, Bella shows her feisty side and reminds Edward that she hung out with the
werewolves while Edward was off being moody in South America. They talk about
Wuthering Heights for a few pages, and I don’t really follow what they're saying because
I haven't read Wuthering Heights. (From the title, it sounds like the book is about fancy
roofs.)
That conversation ends, and Edward still says visiting the werewolves in La Push is a bad
idea, calling the wolves unstable, and saying, "Sometimes, the people near them get hurt.
Sometimes they get killed."
Edward is such an ass. Not only do the werewolves rule this entire series, but they never
hurt Bella. Meanwhile, Eddie's own vampire brother nearly tore Bells apart after she
received a tiny paper cut. Who's unstable now, Sled-Ward! (This nickname would work
better if a sled was some sort of silly, irrational animal, and not just a fun mode of
transportation.)
But goofy, lovesick Bella thinks Edward has a point. She mentions Emily, the wife of one
of the werewolves, who was accidentally disfigured when her husband transformed. But I
would like to add that when Emily was attacked by accident, the entire werewolf pack
didn't move to South America, leaving Emily behind. They stuck around, because that's
what werewolves do. They get it done.
Edward then reveals some information about the feud between the vampires and the
werewolves. When he and Carlisle first came to this area, they had a run-in with Ephraim
Black, Jacob's great-grandfather. But Carlisle managed to make peace with the
werewolves, and thus the treaty was created.
After that, the Cullens left town for reasons unknown (probably because someone in town
had a bloody nose). They came back to Forks a few years ago, for reasons unknown
(probably because everyone else in America thinks they are pompous dullards). Edward
assumes that the werewolves are back because of some random genetic fluke. But Bella
says the werewolves are around because the Cullens returned.
This shocking revelation stuns Edward. Really? He couldn't piece that together on his
own? If the werewolves only pop up when the vampires are living nearby, wouldn't you
assume there was some connection? Maybe Edward also thinks automatic doors at the
grocery store open up randomly, and he just happens to be extremely lucky.
Bella then explains how important Jacob is in her life. Edward struggles to understand.
He reminds Bella how much he loves her, and how she needs to be safe. Bella says she's
going to see Jacob no matter what. Edward replies, "Then I'll have to stop you."
Bella, if stick around with Edward, you are a fool.
Glowers: 0
Murmurs: 3
Prediction:
Bella agrees to never see Jacob again. To further ensure Bella's safety, Edward creates a
list of things she is to avoid:
1. Werewolves.
2. Fun.
3. Caffeine.
4. Intersections.
5. Wet floors.
6. Banks (because you never know when a bank robber might strike).
7. Wind.
8. Matches.
9. Candles (unless Edward has first taken the wick out).
10. Knives, forks, and (some) spoons.
11. Zippers.
12. Plastic bags that are the same size as Bella's head, or larger.
13. Hot dogs (because they are a chocking hazard if not chewed properly).
14. Pavement.
15. Pencils (unless Edward has dulled the tip properly, and even then, Bella must wear
her Pencil Goggles).
16. Glass.
17. Tuberculosis.
18. Steep hills.
19. Firm pillows.
20. Loud things.
And Bella happily does as she is told.

Chapter Two: Evasion

Better Title: Edward
Cullen's Guide to
Controlling Your
Woman
This is a joke, right?

Edward must be kidding
around. He's not
honestly acting like an
abusive boyfriend, is
he? Chapter Three
better begin with:
Edward screamed, "Gotcha! I was just messing around. Want to go to a movie? Or

should we just hang out here and I'll breathe directly into your nose so you can smell my
amazing mouth odor?"
I'm getting ahead of myself, but by chapter's end, if any young woman still thinks Edward
Cullen is the bee's knees, then I feel very sorry for that young woman. It's shocking how
awfully Edward treats Bella. And Bella's reaction is just as horrible. These two idiots
deserve each other, and I'm glad that Jacob didn't end up with Bella. Besides, Jacob Black
needs no woman. The earth is his mistress. The sky is his bride. He is…Mr. Black [cue
thunderclap] (I could write Jacob intros all day!)
The chapter begins with Bella at school. She says, "I was holding hands with the most
perfect person on the planet." At first I become excited, because I didn't know that
Batman went to Bella's school. Then I realize that she's once again ooh-ing and aah-ing
over Edward.
Bella's happy attitude suddenly fades as she thinks about Jacob. She would like closure
on their relationship, but Edward won't let her see him. She says, "I was free to go
anywhere I wanted—except La Push; free to do anything I wanted—except see Jacob."
This is just the beginning of my problems with Edward. He has Bella so wrapped around
his cold, hard finger that in her mind, seeing Jacob is illegal. This is not right. You
shouldn't treat the woman you love like a slave. I would understand if Edward frowned
upon Bella seeing Jacob, but outright banning her from visiting him is beyond reason.
If I was dating someone who treated me like this, I would scream, "You're not the boss of
me!" and then I would bust out some amazing dance moves so she'd see what she would
be missing when I dumped her sorry ass. (Since this is all an imaginary, hypothetical
situation, I gave myself amazing dance moves. And for some reason, I'm also picturing
myself wearing a scary-awesome motorcycle helmet and an electric scarf that lights up
while I'm feeling the beat.)
What's even more frustrating is how willing Bella is to follow Edward's orders. If he said,
"Hey Bella, I want you to drink a gallon of expired milk," Bella would be wiping away
the milk mustache before he even finished the sentence.
I don't know who to dislike more: Edward for being controlling, Bella for being
agreeable, or Stephenie Meyer for creating such dreadful, jetpackless characters.
At the lunch table, Alice zones out, clearly having one of her visions. She snaps out of it
and shares a glance with Edward. Since Eddie can read minds, these two don't need to
whisper secrets. But Bella is freaking out, dying to know what Alice saw. Was it about
the evil Volturi vampires coming to America? Is Victoria nearby? Is everything all right
with Emmett? Is Emmett OK? What's wrong with Emmett? This is about Emmett, isn't
it? Just tell me if Emmett is all right.
But Alice doesn’t tell Bella (or me) anything. Edward avoids Bella for the rest of the day,
obviously trying to keep quiet about Alice's vision. When Bella and Alice finally climb
into Edward's car after school, the two vampires still leave Bella out of the loop, never
revealing what Alice saw at lunch.
I don’t know why they're keeping this a secret. Edward spills the beans in a few pages. So
didn't Alice see a vision of Edward telling Bella about the vision? And if so, couldn't
Alice just tell Bella about the vision now, instead of making her feel nervous and anxious
during the car ride? So then Alice's vision of the future could also become part of the
present and then the future would…ouch. Part of my brain just oozed down the back of
my throat. OK, enough Alice questions (for this post).
After Edward drops Alice off at their house, he drives Bella home. He comes inside and
hangs out on her bed while she starts her computer. He notices that she is restless, and
decides to calm her down with a kiss—a two-paragraph kiss. (I'm still waiting for a five-
paragraph kiss, which will result in so much passion that their lips will fuse together like
conjoined twins. And then every time they tried to say a word with a P or B sound, it will
be hilarious.)
Bella goes back to her computer and responds to an email from her mom, Renee. Because
who doesn't enjoy thinking about her mom after a hot and heavy makeout session? Bella
tells us how immature her mom acts. She thinks her mom made a big mistake getting
married to her dad at such a young age. This might explain why Bella refuses to marry
Edward. Maybe she's worried that if she marries Edward while she's still a teenager, they
will later get divorced and have a grueling custody battle over their half-vampire/half-
human baby, a baby who loves to drink his own blood, and spends all day sniffing his
own wrists.
She finishes her email and turns to see Edward staring at the car stereo that she ripped out
of her truck in the last book, the stereo that was a present from Emmett and Rosalie. He
says he will replace it before Emmett and Rosalie find out, because if they knew what
Bella had done, it would hurt their feelings. (But Emmett doesn't have feelings. He has
fists!)
Edward then shows Bella the plane tickets to Florida that Esme and Carlise bought her as
a birthday present in the last book. The tickets are about to expire. He suggests that they
fly down to Florida this weekend to see Bella's mom. But how can he fly to sunny Florida
without sparkling?
I suppose he could fly down at night and stay inside all day, but I've been to Florida. It's
sunny even indoors. And wouldn't Renee become suspicious if Edward refused to go
outside? If you're a vampire, it must be tough to be a guest in someone's home. You want
to be polite, but there are some things you cannot do. Just like the time I visited family
and had to endure their strange looks when I refused to eat olives…or take off my cape.
Bella isn't sure what to think. She knows that Charlie will flip out at the thought of her
flying away for the weekend with her forever buddy. She and Edward argue about this for
a while, with Bella saying they should wait to spring their plans on Charlie.
She finally asks about Alice's vision. Edward becomes very serious and says that Alice
has been receiving visions of Jasper hanging out in the southwest, near his old family.
Jasper is the unpredictable member of the Cullen family. He's new to the vampire
vegetarian diet, and is struggling to control his urge to drink human blood. So the fact
that Alice sees a future where Jasper is with his bloodthirsty family is unsettling, like
when a recently sober relative suddenly buys a whole lot of mouthwash and cough syrup.
Edward says that Jasper has no "conscious intentions" to go to the southwest, and this has
me very confused. I know I promised to stop nitpicking about Alice's powers, but hear
me out. She can only see the future once someone has made a decision, right? So if
Jasper hasn't decided to go away, how can she see his future? And with that, Alice Cullen
drops a few more notches on my list of favorite characters, barely hovering above that
guy named Ben, and well below all of the werewolves, Emmett, and E-rock's corpse.
Bella and Edward do some homework and have dinner with Charlie. With Edward in the
other room watching TV, Charlie mentions that Billy has invited them down to La Push
this weekend. Bella tries not to say much because, as we know, Edward refuses to let her
near La Push. She tells us, "I knew I wouldn't be allowed to hit a werewolf party, even
with parental supervision."
Notice how she phrased that. She didn't say, "Edward wouldn't like it if I went to a
werewolf party." She said, "I wouldn't be allowed." Allowed? You should never, under
any circumstances, need permission from your boyfriend to do anything, unless you're
about to do something to his hair or toes. And even then, whatever you're planning on
doing is probably pretty funny.
Edward, what is your problem? What have the werewolves done, specifically, that makes
you think Bella will be instantly torn limb from limb if she so much as eats one bite of
outdoor spaghetti?
I would understand Edward's fear if the werewolves had killed thousands of innocent
people (like the vampires have done). But the only victim we know about is Emily, and
she seems to be getting along all right, scars and all. Edward's doing the equivalent of
smacking a glass of water out of Bella's hand because he once heard that someone
drowned in the ocean. But wait. It gets worse.
Bella does the dishes and Edward helps. Then he tells Charlie about the plane tickets to
Florida, clearly ignoring Bella's wishes to wait before bringing the subject up with Mr.
Swan. This is another sign that Edward is a d-bag. And no, I don't mean a Dan-Bag.
(Dan-Bags are awesome bags filled with candy and tasty treats that I pack for long car
rides.)
At first, Charlie thinks it would be a good idea for Bella to visit her mom. But he quickly
realizes that Edward would be going along too, and he flips out. Bella and her dad have a
heated argument, with Bella claiming to be an adult, and Charlie reminding her that if she
lives under his roof, she will obey his rules. Perhaps if Charlie ate bears and played
baseball loudly, Bella would do as she's told.
She threatens to move out. They argue some more. Charlie questions Renee's parenting
ability. Bella threatens to tell Renee what Charlie said. And then they both get quiet. She
leaves the house with Edward. And we have our very first "glower" of the book. (And the
second glower is just a page away!)
Sidenote: The glower/murmur contest is fun, and I encourage everyone to play along.
Hunting down these two words has turned this boring, infuriating chapter into a game—a
very odd, slightly evil game. Just like Chutes and More Chutes (My more difficult
variation on the game Chutes and Ladders).
Bella is mad that Edward told Charlie about the plane tickets. But Edward doesn't seem
to care. Why would he? He's obviously the boss of this relationship. He sets the rules,
tells Bella how to act and feel, and probably orders Bella around by snapping his finger.
Yep, he sure is quite the catch.
Bella assumes, and rightfully so, that Edward wants to go to Florida this weekend so that
she won't be tempted to go to Billy's party. But Edward wouldn't let her go to the party
regardless of his plans for the weekend, saying, "It wouldn't matter if you were here or on
the other side of the world, you still wouldn't be going."
Come on! How can she still look this creep in the face, let alone have feelings for him?
He's no good for you, Bella Swan! Leave him this instant! I honestly hope the next 500
pages of the book are nothing but Bella kicking Edward in his necessaries.
But Bella doesn't want to fight with the attractive Edward, and they go to his house to
play chess with the other vampires. I might be missing something, but why does no one
care about Jasper any more? They just let him play with Bella like nothing happened. He
nearly killed her a few months ago, but now it's all fun and games at the Cullen house.
Edward, who has forbidden Bella to see the nice and friendly werewolves, is practically
waving her in front of Jasper like she's a piece of meat. And shouldn't Bella be a bit
concerned, too?
When I was a kid, I went to a friend's house, and his mean dog bit my hand. It wasn't
anything major, but it was scary. The next time I went over to the house, I did not play
chess with that dog. Instead, I sat on my hands, shaking with fear.
After playing chess, Edward drops Bella off at home and reminds her that he'll be back
later tonight to watch her sleep. When she opens the door, Charlie asks to have a word
with her. He doesn't seem mad, just uneasy. And it's no wonder. He's going to have a sex
talk with her. She tries to get out of it, but Charlie won't let her worm away. He wants to
make sure that Edward and Bella are being responsible.
After more uncomfortable dialogue, Bella finally tells her dad that she's still a virgin.
And that ends the discussion. She goes to bed, waiting for Edward to come back in an
hour. But during this time, she thinks about Jacob, and decides to run out before Eddie
returns to see Jake face to face. (You go, girl!)
She grabs her jacket, runs out of the door, hops in her truck, and turns the key...but
nothing happens. Then she sees Edward hiding in the cab of the truck. And after what
happens next, I would rather suck on used hobo tissues than be friends with Mr. Edward
"Bossman" Cullen.
Tattletale Alice called Eddie and told him that she couldn't see Bella's future. Alice
cannot see the future when werewolves are involved, so that meant Bella was going to
see Jacob. Edward, the same Edward Bella described as the "most perfect person on the
planet," then disabled her truck to prevent her from seeing Jacob.
Think about that for a moment. He didn't try to talk to her. He didn't try to make any kind
of compromise. He just snipped a few wires and then hid in the truck like a villain. And
yet he thinks the werewolves are immature.
Edward isn't cute and flirty. He is nasty and mentally abusive. And it only gets worse!
While the anger builds inside me, Edward promises to fix Bella's car by the time she
wakes up. He gets the feeling that she's slightly miffed, and he says he will understand if
she keeps her window closed tonight so that he can't climb in. The stunned, angry Bella
leaves the broken truck and heads inside. I was hoping she was going to grab the nearest
conch shell and blow into it to summon the mighty wolves. But she does not.
In her room, she slams the window shut, blocking Edward's entrance, and for a brief
moment I am proud of her. But then the foolish, ignorant Bella opens the window again
as wide as possible to let her dreamy, manipulative forever buddy enter and watch her
slumber.
What? How? But…Why? The…and then…What?! There isn't a word to explain how I
feel about this. Not even the soon-to-be-coined term "Tubnicking Supreme" will do. I just
don't know what to say.
This is horrible. Please tell me this was one big joke.

Glowers: 2 (Book Total: 2)
Murmurs: 5 (Book Total: 8)
Prediction:
Things are going great between Edward and Bella, especially since he sewed her feet
together out of fear that she would try to run. Then he tied bells to her ears so that he
could hear her if she moved her head toward Jacob's general direction. And finally, he
buried her underground so the nasty werewolf Jacob couldn't find her. Bella and Edward
live happily ever after.
Chapter Three: Motives
Better Title: Jacob Black's Guide
To Gettin' It Done
Jacob "The Thunder" Black rides

again! And when he makes his
triumphant return, not only does
he mock Edward, but he parks his
motorcycle on the school's
sidewalk. Why? Because this
warrior plays by his own rules,
makes his own roads, and
answers to no one. He is….Mr.
Black. [Cue the howling of a wolf
on a still winter's night.]
But before Jacob tells it like it is, I have two questions. First, how do Emmett, Rosalie,
and Esme pass the time during the day? Do they simply wait around for Edward to have a
problem?
ROSALIE: Do you want to finish the jigsaw puzzle?

ESME: Gosh, kiddo. After yesterday, I think I'm all puzzled out.
ROSALIE: We can watch Ellen. I think Ellen is on. Want to watch Ellen?
ESME: I guess. Are there any more Chipmunk Blood Brownies?
ROSALIE: Ooh. That sounds delish!
EMMETT: Guys! Can you keep it down? I'm trying to play the guitar with a sword!
ROSALIE: Sorry, Emmett.
EDWARD: [Comes in out of breath] Everyone! I need you! Bella's accidentally sipped
some coffee and now she's not sleepy. She's not sleepy at all!
CULLENS IN UNISON: Cullens Congregate!
ESME: Edward, you grab Bella and bring her here. Rose, you get a bed ready and then
summon Carlisle. Emmett, you stand guard outside the house. Use two swords if you
have to. I'll think up a lie that we can tell Charlie. Well? What are you waiting for! Let's
move it, people!
My second question is: Why does Victoria want to kill Bella? I've asked this before,
when she was stalking Bella in the last book. But it's still a head-scratcher. If memory
serves, these are the events of the previous books:
1. The E-vamps (Victoria, James, and Laurent) meet the Cullens in the woods.
2. James wants to kill Bella, because Bella smells good.
4. Emmett and Jasper kill James.
5. The werewolves kill Laurent (perhaps while wearing jetpacks).
6. Edward does nothing.
Victoria should be after Emmett, Jasper, or the werewolves, right? Bella hasn't done
anything wrong. And it doesn't make sense for Victoria to seek revenge on Edward. What
did Edward do to her? Maybe, years ago, Edward didn't allow Victoria to go to a
werewolf party, and this how Victoria is getting even.
Some might argue that Victoria is motivated by the thrill of the hunt. If that's the case,
why wouldn't she hunt Emmett? That would be more thrilling. Why waste her time
hunting a weak whiner who falls down if so much as a gentle breeze tickles her ankle? It
would be like a bear hunter going after sleepy squirrel that just woke up. There's no fun
in that.
Whatever the lousy reason, Victoria is back on the prowl, and this helps explain Edward's
mean behavior in the last chapter. See folks, he wasn't being overprotective because he's
a jerk. He was being overprotective because he's a liar…and a jerk. He didn't want to tell
Bella what was really going on because it might scare her. So instead, he manipulated her
like a smelly puppet. I hate Edward.
The chapter begins with Edward and Bella returning from Florida, where they visited
Bella's mom, Renee. How Edward avoided the sun during this trip is never explained.
This really bugs me, but I'm not going to complain too much because Stephenie Meyer
was nice enough to skip over the entire trip. We simply get the highlights in a flashback.
But even the flashbacks seem long and uninteresting. It's pointless to waste more time on
this part, because Jacob is about to show up. And it's going to be awesome.
When Bella and Edward return home, Charlie is happy to see his daughter again. After
some hugs and pleasantries, he tells her that Jacob has been calling all weekend, asking
for her. This is strange, because Jake has been ignoring Bella since she came back from
Italy. He's pissed at her. It would be like Taylor Swift calling up Kanye. (Can someone
explain that last sentence to my Grandma and her friend Dolores? Thanks!)
As they're talking about this, Jacob calls again. Bella answers and the two have a very
odd conversation. He asks if she's going to school tomorrow, and when she says yes, he
cuts the conversation short and says goodbye.
Bella can't figure out what that meant. Why does he care if she's going to school? She
jumps to the wrong conclusion, and assumes that he was checking to see if she is
transformed into a vampire. A more direct way to determine if Bella was a vampire
would be to offer her sweet potato fries, as only a vampire could resist sweet potato fries.
The next day, Edward and Bella arrive at school, but he asks her to stay in the car. She
wants to know why, and then she sees the six-foot-seven, muscular, motorcycle-riding
Jacob. He parked his bike on the sidewalk, and the appearance of this great man has
drawn a crowd. She looks at her fellow classmates as they gawk at Jake, and tells us, "I
realized that Jacob looked dangerous to them. How odd." Oops. Found another typo. The
word "odd" should have been replaced with "awesome," "rad," or "rawesome."
Edward realizes that this meeting has nothing to do with Bella, or her forthcoming
transformation. He gets out of his boring non-motorcycle, and Bella follows him to meet
Jacob face to face.
Ed once again pulls Bella behind him, standing between her and Jacob. Edward tells
Jacob that meeting like this is silly, because Jacob could have called Edward if he wanted
to chat. But Jacob makes a joke, saying that he doesn't have any phone numbers for
"leeches." Had this been a talk show filmed in front of a live studio audience, this
mockery would have been followed by an excited "Oooh" sound and at least one "Mm-
hmm."
When Edward asks if they can talk about this later, Jacob quips, "Sure, sure. I'll stop by
your crypt after school." Again, had this been said on TV, it would be greeted by the
audience saying "Oooh," followed by applause that would lead to a standing ovation.
Edward reads Jacob's mind and says, "Message delivered. Consider us warned." But
Bella is still in the dark. She wants to know what this means, and Jacob is surprised to
find out that Edward has been keeping secrets from Bella. Edward is caught in a lie.
I would give anything to see Edward's face during the conversation. I bet he looks scared
and worried, like a kid who got busted for shoplifting one of those toy parachute men you
find at crappy toy stores, and then the manager says he's going to call the kid's parents,
and then the kid starts to cry and everyone looks at him, and all the kid wanted to do was
tie a parachute man to a football to see what would happen when he threw it off of his
garage, and now the kid is worried about going to jail and being forced to pee in front of
people, and then the kid's dad says, "Dan, I'm very disappointed in you," and….um…
Anyway, back to the story.
Both the werewolves and the vampires are trying to kill Victoria. But the treaty dictates
that the monsters can only hunt in their respected areas. On Saturday, Emmett was
chasing after Victoria and may have accidentally stepped into werewolf country, where
he met the short-fused werewolf named Paul. Sadly, they did not fight.
It takes a few pages for Bella to sort this all out. Alice's vision at lunch the other day had
nothing to do with Jasper. Instead, she saw Victoria coming back to Forks. But Edward
didn't want to tell Bella this because he's an ass-face. So instead, he practically forced her
to go to Florida. I hate Edward.
Jacob is shocked at how much Edward has kept from Bella, saying, "You don't think
Bella has right to know? It's her life." And later adds, "She's tougher than you think. She's
been through worse."
As things become tense between Ed and Jake, the other students look on, expecting a
fight. And then the battle begins! Buckle up, readers. It's about to get explosive!
Jacob thinks back to how horrible Bella felt when Edward left her in the previous book.
Edward reads this memory from Jacob's mind and becomes sad. Bella tells Jacob to stop
thinking about sad things because it makes Edward sad. And he listens to her.
Um…hold on. Let me make sure I didn't miss a page of the book.
Damn. Nope. That is all that happens. Sorry. I was sure there was going to be a throw-
down. You can go ahead and unbuckle.
Edward senses that the principal is coming, and warns that they should get to class. This
prompts the incredible Jacob to look directly at Bella and say, "A little trouble makes life
fun. Let me guess, you're not allowed to have fun, are you?"
And then Bella screams with delight and rushes into the arms of Jacob. Then they ride off
into the sunset, leaving Edward behind, as he cries so hard that he gets a runny nose and
his cheeks turn red. Then a really heavy bus hits him and he dies. The End.
OK. That's not what happens.
Bella defends Edward, saying Jacob is wrong. Jacob says that if she ever wants to have
fun again, she can come to La Push. (Can I come too? I'll bring Simpsons Monopoly!)
But Bella doesn't know how she can be friends with him. Jacob understands and says that
he'll get along without her. Of course he will. He is the thunder that needs no lightning.
He is the night that needs no dawn. He is the soldier that needs no army. He is…Mr.
Black. [Cue doves flying dramatically in slow motion as a mournful heavy-metal riff
plays.]
Then the principal breaks up the crowd and sends everyone to class. He notices Jacob and
asks if he's a new student. Jacob says he isn't. The principal scolds him, telling him to
leave, and Jacob gives him a mock salute as he starts his motorcycle and rides off. I like
Jacob.
The principal then turns to Edward and asks if Jacob was a friend of his. Edward says
they're not friends. The principal suspects that Edward doesn't like Jacob, and because
Edward is such a suck-up, goody-goody teacher's pet, the principal adds, "I see. If you're
worried about any trouble, I'd be happy to…" But Edward cuts him off, probably while
polishing an apple for the school secretary. I hate Edward.
Before heading into school, Eddie asks if Bella is "well enough to go to class." Again
with the overprotecting nonsense? Sure, she just learned that a vampire is trying to kill
her. But Victoria has been hunting Bella since the beginning of the last book. Bells has
known about this for months. Why wouldn't she be able to go to class?
I wouldn't be surprised if Edward asked this of Bella before she did anything.
"Hey Lamb, are you well enough to play chess?"
"Yo Lamb, are you well enough to touch faces?"
"Lamby Lamb, are you well enough to sleep?"
"Lamb Chop, are you well enough to watch an R-rated movie?"
"Lamb-a-dam-a-ding-dong, are you well enough to have a birthday party that will end in
disaster?"
"Lt. Lamb, are you well enough to eat solid food?"

"Lamb Bam Thank-You Ma'am, are you well enough to go outdoors?"
"Jean Claude Van Lamb, are you well enough to think about sad things?"
Once inside the classroom, Bella and Edward pass notes back and forth. Bella wants to
know what happened in the forest over the weekend, and Edward explains how Emmett
and the others were tracking Victoria, and how the werewolves were doing the same, and
there was a misunderstanding about the boundaries.
Then Edward writes a note telling Bella that he would never let anything happen to her,
and describes what he would do if she was in a plane crash. Though it's worded more
romantically, his plan would be to save Bella, and let everyone else on the plane die. I
hate Edward. Bella looks at the note, and after reading this nonsense, she looks at Edward
longingly. I hate Bella.
Then Bella makes him promise that the next time her life is in mortal danger, he will tell
her the truth. But I doubt he will. He is a creature of lies. He is an illogical doofus. He is a
cowardly old man who hates fun. He is…Mr. Cullen. [Cue goofy bicycle horn.]
Glowers: 2 (Book total: 4)

Murmurs: 5 (Book total: 13)
Prediction:
Back at home, Bella and Edward are hanging out. Suddenly Edward notices that her
house is on fire. Bella senses that something is wrong. Instead of telling her the truth,
Edward lies and says, "It's just some warm, orange wind. Hey, wanna go to
Disneyworld?" They then go to Disneyworld while Charlie burns to death.
Chapter Four: Nature
Better Title: (Read in
sing-song manner)
Bella and Jacob Sitting
By the Sea….N-O-T
(SPACE) K-I-S-S-I-N-G
If this book were a bowl

of Lucky Charms, this
chapter would be the
oddly-shaped bits of
cereal that no one really
likes, and that only exist
because people would
feel too guilty eating an
entire bowl of
marshmallows. In other words, this chapter is boring, and taste like sugary cardboard.
Sure, Jacob pops up. But he doesn't ride a motorcycle, turn into a wolf, or summon
lightening bolts from the sky. Emmett and his swords are nowhere to be seen. There is no
action, of course. No one slaps Edward. No one eats Bella. And by the end of the chapter,
we haven't learned much except that Bella is blinded by love, and Jacob is a bit of a
racist.
The chapter starts off with Bella complaining, again. She wants to be turned into a
vampire, because the evil Victoria could attack at any time. But the Cullens are keeping
an eye on the situation, and tell Bella not to worry. Jasper uses his super powers to calm
Bella down, but this only works when Jasper and Bella are in the same room, much like
my scented candle (Christmas Cupcake), which I have now named Jasper.
When Edward and Bella are alone, he reminds her that if she accepts his marriage
proposal, he will transform her into a vampire right now. But she refuses the proposal for
reasons that are too baffling to think about any longer.
On the weekend, Bella encourages Edward to go hunting with his brothers. That's nice of
her. Even though she forces Eddie to take a Bella-Break, she still misses him horribly
when he's away. Of course, the ever-romantic Edward leaves a note on her pillow which
reads:
I'll be back so soon you won’t have time to miss me.

Look after my heart – I've left it with you.
Does Edward have a pet hamster named Heart? Please say yes.
Bella isn't too worried about Victoria attacking today, since good ol' dependable Alice
hasn't had any visions of Bella being eaten alive. And because Bella didn't decide to get
killed today, I guess that means she's going to live…according to Alice Cullen's magical
logic.
It's too early for Bella to go into work, so she passes the time by slowly eating breakfast
and fiddling with refrigerator magnets. It's strange that she spends so much time telling us
how difficult it is to place two magnets side by side. I don't really understand what this is
all…HOLY CRAP!
The magnets are a metaphor for Bella's relationships with monsters! This is unbelievable!
Did you guys get that? This is even more mind-meltingly insightful than when Bella
compared her life to "Romeo and Juliet." The magnetic poles repel each other! It's
symbolic. She's trying so hard to be with something that keeps pushing her away. This is
freaking poetry! I'll never look at magnets again without thinking about this perceptive,
fascinating section of the book. (Can you tell I'm being facetious? No? From now on,
when I'm being ironic, I'll raise my hand. I'm raising my hand.)
Of course, this wasn't Stephenie Meyer's first choice of symbols. I was lucky enough to
stumble upon her first, second, and third drafts of this section:
FIRST DRAFT
While thinking about Edward, I was playing with oil and water, mixing them around in a
bowl to pass the time. I tried so hard to combine the water with the oil, but it wouldn't
work. I yelled at the water, "Why are you so clumsy and mortal? Why can't you be more
beautiful? Why can't you be more like oil?" Then, in frustration, I poured the mixture
onto the floor and mashed it into the carpet. The stain it left resembled a heart...kind of.
Murmur.
SECOND DRAFT
With Edward not touching my face, I wasn't sure how to spend my time. Out of boredom,
I tried to ease tension between Israel and Palestine. But as hard as I tried to make one
nation fall in love with the other, it always ended in conflict. These two would never live
in harmony. There was nothing I could do, and it was very frustrating. The
Israeli/Palestinian conflict is a lot like loving a vampire and befriending a werewolf, I
guess.
THIRD DRAFT
Edward had left to collect a bouquet of wildflowers, and as I waited for him to return, I
began to goof around with some nearby sulfur and zinc powder. I tried desperately to
unite the sulfur with the zinc powder, but it always resulted in a flash of fire—a fire that
burned bright, but not for very long. "Too true," I murmured to myself. "Too true."
When Bella arrives at work, Mrs. Newton says that the store has been pretty slow, and
Bella can go home, if she'd like. Bella reluctantly leaves work. At Mrs. Newton's request,
she takes a bunch of fliers with her to toss in the garbage bin.
As she walks to the dumpster, Bella reads the flier, which shows a picture of a sad wolf,
under which is written, "Save The Olympic Wolf." There are Olympic wolves?! That's
awesome! I bet they're just like regular wolves, except they wake up at 4 a.m. every
morning for wolf training with their strict Ukrainian coaches who encourage the wolves
with broken-English shouts of, "You want to be puppy? Or you want to be wolf?!"
The fliers remind Bella that she could use her free afternoon to visit Jacob, since Edward
is off killing mountain lions. Because this was a sudden decision, Alice won't have time
to get a vision of Bella's future. If Bella hurries, she could be across the werewolf border
and at Jake's house before Alice could even pack up the truck-destroying tools. The
Cullens are so sensible. (My hand is raised.)
When Bella pulls up to Jake's house, the wonderful man-beast greets Bella with a huge
smile and a surprised expression. He's so happy that she came over, that he hugs her and
the two friends jump around like kids. I bet the last time Eddie showed joy by jumping
was back in 1910, when he got a hoop and a stick for Christmas. Now that he's a moody
old man, he shows happiness by blinking slowly. Edward is such a fun guy. (My hand is
raised.)
Jacob and Bella take a walk and chit-chat about ordinary things. It's reminiscent of the
last book, when things were great: Jacob was happy, Bella was having fun, Edward was
away in South America, and Tiger Woods wasn't scandalous. (Zing!)
But then Bella and Jacob talk about the real issue at hand: vampires. Jacob can't
understand why Bella would let Edward back in her life after Eddie broke her heart. Why
would she forgive him after all those horrible months she spent in a depressed funk? But
she says Edward did nothing wrong. She still thinks he's totally awesome and perfect.
And she tries to defend him. I love Bella because she always makes perfect sense. (My
hand is raised.)
Bella is like a kid who says Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the best movie ever.
Such a kid only sees the impressive special effects of the movie, overlooking its
confusing, pointless plot and god-awful dialogue and acting. The kid doesn't realize that
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is the worst movie ever made, just as Bella doesn't
see that Edward is a manipulative jerk who is as rational as he is fun-loving.
Bella tells Jacob that Edward left because he wanted her to have a human life, a life
without the threat of vampires. Jacob wants the whole story. Bella is reluctant to go into
the details. Jacob mocks her by saying, "Are you not allowed to tell me?" The cocky side
of Jacob infuriates Bella, but in the end, she can't resist his charm, and sits down to tell
him all about Italy. Jacob asks if there's any action in the story, and Bella says, "There's
some action." What a liar!
This is what happened in Italy. If you spot any action, please speak up.
1. Edward didn't die.

2. Aro talked.
3. Marcus (giggle) touched Aro's hand (giggle).
4. Aro talked again.
5. Something happened with that little vampire girl.
6. Edward talked.
7. I don't remember because it was boring.
8. Aro talked.
9. Bella, Alice, and Edward left, while the Volturi killed poor, innocent victims, one of
whom may have been a sweet, quiet seamstress who came to Italy looking for her birth
parents.
Perhaps Bella thinks her run through the fountain counts as "action." If that's the case,
then my neighbor's kid, who spent most of the summer running through a sprinkler, is a
regular Jason Bourne according to Bella. My idea of action involves explosions, throwing
stars, and Emmett lighting a cigar with a machine gun, none of which happened in Italy.
Bella then explains Alice's silly vision of Bella committing suicide. Jacob is surprised to
learn that A.C. can't see the future if werewolves are nearby. Bella goes on with the story,
leaving out the fact that the Volturi vamps expect Bella to become a vampire sometime
soon. It's a good thing she didn't mention this, because if she had, Jacob would probably
laugh so hard at Volterra's gullible judicial system that he would transform into a wolf.
Now it's Jake's turn to tell Bella what happened while she was in Florida for the weekend.
While chasing Victoria, Emmett, who is amazing, didn't notice or didn't care that he had
entered werewolf territory until he bumped into the werewolf Paul. Paul tried to grab
Emmett, but couldn't stop him because Paul isn't as terrific as Emmett. Emmett then went
back to his side of the property line. A standoff of sorts took place, as the werewolves
watched the vampires and vice versa.
Carlisle and Jasper showed up, and calmed everyone. Carlisle talked to Sam, and they
agreed that Victoria is the real enemy. So the werewolves and the vampires went after
Victoria, but by that time, she had already escaped into the ocean.
I know someone in the comments mentioned that Victoria's super power is the ability to
escape, but this is crap. There is an entire pack of werewolves and a flock of vampires
hunting her down, but thanks to her handy powers, she always gets away? This smells
like Ms. Meyer wrote herself into a corner, and her only option was to say, "Oh, by the
way, Victoria can escape really well." It's too convenient. If someone tossed a big net on
Victoria, I bet we would learn that Victoria just happens to be wearing a powerful
necklace that makes her invulnerable to nets.
I'm sick of Victoria. Can we please have a real villain? One with a cane? Or a snake? Or a
cane that houses a hidden snake that springs out on command? Anything would be better
than this silly vampire.
Jacob tells Bella that Sam is pissed at her for still dating Edward after all the pain and
suffering he caused. Bella is about to mouth off to Jacob, and even use the word "hell,"
but Jacob cuts her off, as he points out an eagle diving for a fish over the ocean.
He says nature is taking its course, and that you'd never see a fish try to kiss an eagle. I'm
not sure why he would bring this…Oh my god! It's another metaphor! Did you guys get
that? The eagle is Edward and the fish is Bella! Holy crap! Holy freaking crap! My mind
is blown! (And my hand is raised.)
Jacob then asks one of my burning questions: What does Bella see in Eddie? Jacob thinks
she likes him for his money and his supermodel looks. And Bella quickly says, "Yes.
That is why I love him." Just kidding.
She spouts off some nonsense about how she wishes Edward was ugly and poor, because
then she would still love him, but she wouldn't feel as inadequate. At the risk of sounding
mean, I'd bet 40 bajillion dollars that Bella would not be dating Edward if he were a fat,
ugly guy. Or better yet, a 100-year-old man that looked like a 100-year-old man.
She also says Edward is "unselfish and brilliant." Unselfish? I agree with that. Brilliant?
Ha! The guy has been going to high school for the past 80 years, so Bella shouldn't be
impressed just because he knows algebra and the details of the Lincoln/Douglas debate. If
he's so brilliant, why did he leave Bella behind to deal with hungry vampires? And why
didn't he and Alice stop the assassination of JFK?
Think about it: Someone must have decided to kill the president, so Alice would have
known it was going to happen. And Edward can read minds. Together they should have
been able to stop it. Hell, they should be able to stop all premeditated murder, especially
in their home state. But instead, they probably went to their 54th prom. Well, I hope they
had a lovely time. (My hand is raised.)
Jacob still doesn't understand what she sees in Edward, and thinks Bella should be dating
someone of her own species. I dig Jacob, but this comment is racist. While I think the
Cullens are silly (except for Emmett), they should be free to date whomever they'd like
(especially Emmett).
The Thunder then argues that he is human, even if he's a werewolf. I'm not sure I follow
his logic on this one. He says it's not his fault that he is what he is. Bella argues that
vampires don't choose to be monsters, either. But Jacob says werewolves are born
werewolves. It's in their genes. It's natural. Vampires are created by accident.
To prove that he's human, he takes Bella's hand and places it on his chest so she can feel
his heartbeat. A heartbeat means someone is human? According to Jacob's logic, that
means monkeys, frogs, the Tin Man after he visited Oz, and polar bears are also human.
Who knew? Then Bella and Jacob don't kiss.
This chapter was a bit of a letdown. I've read greeting cards with more plot development.
I hope Emmett and the werewolves show up soon, or else I'm going to cry with
frustration. (My hand is not raised.)
Glowers: 1 (Book total: 5)

Murmurs: 0 (Can you believe that?) (Book total: 13)
Prediction:
Bella returns home and finds Edward sitting alone in the dark kitchen.
EDWARD: Where were you?

BELLA: Um…at work.
EDWARD: Really?
BELLA: Yeah.
EDWARD: So you wouldn't mind if I called Mike Newton and asked him if you were at
work?
BELLA: Um…Mike can't talk right now. He has a sore throa…
EDWARD: Damn it, Bella! Don't lie to me! You weren't at work! You were with…him.
BELLA: I just…
EDWARD: You just what? You could have been killed. Jacob could have turned into a
werewolf and eaten you. Where are your hands?
BELLA: In my pockets.
EDWARD: Let me see them. I need to make sure he didn't eat your hands.
BELLA: I wouldn't be standing here if he ate my…
EDWARD: Silence! I see that he didn't eat your hands, but he may have given you the
flu. Did he give you the flu, Bella? Don't lie to me!
BELLA: I don't think so…
EDWARD: That's just it, Bella. You never think. Now go to your room without dinner.
I'll be up shortly to touch your face, and to make sure Jacob didn't eat your toes.
BELLA: Yay!
Meanwhile Jacob is hard at work writing his doctoral thesis: Pie Isn't Human Because It
Doesn't Have A Heart.
Chapter Five: Imprint
Better Title: Sam's Life
is a Romantic Comedy
Without Laughter
I’m going to need your

help on this one, folks. I
must be an idiot. Clearly
there are hidden words
in this chapter (perhaps
written in those
frustrating invisible
letters) that explain
imprints. But I haven’t
found them yet.
The chapter itself is called Imprint, and Jacob says something along the lines of, “And
now I shall define the term imprint.” However, after reading this chapter twice, I still
have no idea what the hell the word “imprint” means in this book.
If you held a gun to my head (don’t do it. I have ticklish temples), and asked me to define
imprinting as a general term unrelated to Twilight, I would say it had something to do
with leaving an impression. But that definition doesn’t hold up in this book. An imprint
in the Twilight world means…well, I don’t know what it means.
In this chapter, we learn about Sam’s past. He once loved a girl named Leah, but after he
became a werewolf, he fell in love with Leah’s cousin Emily. Jacob says Sam left Leah
for Emily because of “imprinting.” And that’s as close to an explanation as we get. So,
from this vague bit of info, I’ve had to formulate my own theories about what an imprint
actually is:
1. Imprinting is an excuse grownups use when their children ask, “Why don’t you love
mommy anymore?”
2. Imprinting is the Native American word meaning “Sam wants to kiss another lady.”
3. An imprint is a soulmate, and it’s about love, and destiny, and eternity, but most of all,
it’s about…life. (Insert lovely harp music here.)
4. When a werewolf falls in love with a woman, they imprint, which means they have
naked sex.
5. Stephenie Meyer threw this term in at the last moment, after her editor said, “These
werewolves are awesome…perhaps too awesome. Maybe you could put them all in
dresses, or make them believe in love at first sight. Oh, and the first hundred pages of this
book are unnecessary, but we already ordered the paper from the paper company, so we
shouldn’t change a thing.”
Whatever the real definition of imprint is, I’m not going to like it. Chances are that in the
next few chapters, we’ll get a better understanding of this silly emotional word, and in
preparation, I’m tying the book to my wrist. This will make it easier to find after I heave
it across the room, as well as prevent costly wall damage. Of course, due to my tiny,
infant-sized wrists, and the anger building inside of me at the thought of less-than-
amazing werewolf powers, the book will still go flying into the wall, as the kite string
will snap my puny, twiggy wrist.
Before we learn about Sam's past, Jacob and Bella talk for a bit on the beach. She senses
that he is having a difficult time dealing with her choice of boyfriend. “The Thunder” sits
on the wet ground as Bella holds his hand. They do not kiss, and no one says a word.
Because the silence is rather awkward, she asks about Jake's friend Quil.
In the last book, Quil was not yet a werewolf. But now he has become part of the wolf
pack. (Congratulations, Quil.) Unlike Jacob, Quil loves everything about being a
werewolf, and why wouldn’t he? Werewolves have super speed, strength, mind-reading
powers, and maybe jetpacks. It begs the question, if you were a werewolf, why would
you ever transform back into a human? (I can only think of a handful of reasons, and they
all involve being able to ride go-karts.)
Jacob says everyone loves being a werewolf, except for Sam and himself. Sam was the
first of this pack to become a werewolf and had a rough time of it. Bella wants to know
the whole story, but Jacob says it's a long tale. He’s lying. It’s not a long tale. I can
explain the entire story in one paragraph. Do you dare me to do it? Because I will
summarize the crap out of it. All right, you asked for it:
Sam didn’t have much of a family, and no one explained Werewolfing 101 to him. He
dated a woman named Leah. The Cullens moved back to Forks, and this activated the
werewolf gene in the young men of La Push. Sam was the first to transform, and it made
him freak out. He ran away for a few weeks, came back home, didn’t tell Leah a thing,
and then fell in love with Leah’s cousin Emily. The End.
That’s the entire story. It takes Jacob pages and pages to explain this. I would hate to
listen to Jake explain the plot of LOST or the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie.
Instead of getting to the point, Jacob tells Bella it’s a lengthy story and he wonders if
Edward will be mad if Bella doesn't come home soon. She laughs and says, “I do what I
want, when I want!” I’m just messing with you. She would never say anything so
assertive.
She actually says, "He really hates it when I do things he considered…risky." Bella,
Bella, Bella. You foolish, ignorant imprint. (Because I don’t know what an imprint is,
I’m going to try and use it several different ways until it makes sense.)
Jacob half-jokingly tells Bella to stay at his house instead of going back to Forks. She
says it wouldn't work out because Edward would come looking for her, but Jake likes that
idea and seems hungry for a fight with Mr. Lullaby. Jake is one badass imprint.
Bella doesn't like it when Jacob mentions a possible scuffle, and says of her undead
boyfriend, "At least he can be a grown-up about this." I imagine her saying these words
as she looks over her shoulder, frightened and worried that an angry Eddie will be there,
glowering at her with imprintish fury.
Jacob begins talking about Sam’s first time being a werewolf. When he gets to the part
about the Cullens returning to Forks, and how this restarted werewolf-fest in Washington
State, Bella becomes defensive. She tells him that the Cullens had no clue what triggered
the werewolves' reappearance, so Jacob shouldn't blame them for his monstrous curse.
But Jacob says he can't be as forgiving as Bella, and even if the Cullens had no idea that
they were causing the werewolf gene to activate, it doesn't change how he feels about
vampires. Bella tells Jacob to grow up. He says he can't.
Wouldn't you know it? Werewolves, just like vampires, Peter Pan, and Elijah Wood,
never grow up. And with that, Bella reacts like a maniac for several paragraphs, ranting
and raving about how everyone is immortal except her. Waah waah waah.
Bella, shut up. According to my calculations, you will only be mortal for another month
or two. After you graduate, Carlisle promised to transform you into a vampire. You’re
weeks away from having the one thing you want above all else. Stop acting like a spoiled
brat. There’s no need for this temper tantrum. You’re like a kid who’s next in line for the
rollercoaster, but is crying because he’s not on the ride yet. Quit being so crabby. There
are people with real problems in the world. For instance, I have little wrists. In college,
they called me T-Rex. I’m scared to clap my hands, Bella, for fear that my talon-sized
wrists may shatter. Do you know what that’s like, Bella?! Where’s my Carlisle? Where’s
my happy ending!? Oh god, here come the tears.
Bella calms down, and Jacob continues with Sam's back story. Bella asks why Sam hates
the vampires, and Jacob’s answer is, "Because of love." I'm paraphrasing, but as near as I
can tell, this is the only reason Sam dislikes the vampires.
First, Sam loved Leah. Then the Cullens showed up, and Sam became a werewolf and ran
away for two weeks. He came back and learned about werewolves, but needed to keep
this a secret from Leah…for some reason. (Why is everything a secret?)
Leah was upset because Sam was leaving at night, and coming back exhausted (and
probably naked), which is never a good sign in a relationship. But Sam still didn’t tell her
the truth. Then Leah's cousin Emily visited.
And at this point in the story, Jacob says, "Have you heard of imprinting?" Bella, of
course, says no. How would she know about imprinting? Werewolf life is, foolishly, very
secretive. I'm surprised Jacob didn't ask her, "Have you heard of form 884(a), and how it
relates to war crimes in Uruguay?"
Naturally, Bella asks, "What is it?" It’s a simple question, right? But it's one that Jacob
never answers outright. He could have said, "Imprinting means a werewolf falls in love."
Instead, he goes on and on, talking about true love, love at first sight, and soulmates. Not
once does he ever answer the damn question. It’s frustrating.
Read this chapter again, and tell me if he makes it explicitly clear what "imprint" means.
Go on. I'll wait.
See! He doesn't do it! (By the way, while you were gone, I ate the last Pop-Tart. Hope
that’s cool.) This is bad storytelling. And the following paragraphs in the book are so
poorly written and convoluted that you need a flow chart to understand them and some
Gatorade to keep you hydrated. (I also drank the last Gatorade. Sorry.)
Sam instantly fell in love with Emily the first time he laid eyes on her. And this act of
falling in love, I assume, is imprinting. Only werewolves can find their soulmate this
way. But Emily is Leah's cousin, so things were kind of…sticky. Emily and Sam really
hit it off, and eventually Sam dumped Leah and hooked up with his soulmate, Emily.
According to Jacob, this love triangle is why Sam hates the vampires. Huh? What? That
makes no sense. The vampires inadvertently lead Sam to his soulmate, and Sam hates
them for it. The vamps showed up, Sam became a werewolf, and used his werewolf
imprint power to find his one true love, and in Sam’s mind, this is a bad thing.
Sam, I hate the vampires too, but I have good reasons. (Please see every previous blog for
examples.) You should be on your knees, thanking the vampires for not only making you
become an astounding werewolf, but also helping your find true love. Yeah, it sucks that
Leah's heart was broken. But I'm sure she'll get over it. (She should date Conner!) I guess
Sam simply hates things that are good, such as love. Sam probably also hates Snicker Pie
because it’s too delicious, and the first 20 minutes of Indiana Jones and the Temple of
Doom because they're too awesome.
This chapter makes me like the werewolves less and less. I wonder what Emmett is doing
right now. Whatever it is, it probably involves a ramp, a ring of fire, and hungry
alligators. Emmett, can you come back to the story? Even if you just want to hang out in
the background playing Frisbee Golf, it would be better than this confusing melodrama.
Anyway, Jacobs brings up Emily’s scars and says that after Sam accidentally attacked
Emily, everything was fine and dandy between Sam, Emily, and Leah. Leah is even
going to be the bridesmaid in Sam and Emily's wedding. Yay! Though I have no idea
how Emily's scars resolved things. (To be honest, this section of the chapter confused me.
I’m sure it makes sense somehow, and if you could explain it, I’d be very appreciative.
Thanks!)
Bella asks Jacob if he has fallen in love like Sam did. But Jake says imprinting isn't
common; only Sam and Jared have the power. And Jared lucked out because his soulmate
was a girl that already had a crush on him.
Jacob says he knows all of this personal information about Sam because when he and the
others are werewolves, they share thoughts. The good news is that reading each other’s
minds makes hunting vampires easier. The bad news is that there can be no secrets
between the wolves, so my short story “Werewolf Surprise Pajama Party” is filled with
logic errors.
The sun peeks out from behind the clouds, and Bella and Jacob enjoy the break from the
gloomy weather. The two friends sit in silence, and do not kiss. Bella then asks Jacob
about his standoff with Edward at school the other day. She wants to know what Edward
read in Jacob's mind that made Edward feel so sad. Jacob tells her he was thinking about
the time Sam found her in the woods, after Edward left her to rot.
Let me get this straight: Edward was reading Jacob's mind while Jacob was thinking
about a thought he read in Sam's mind. And now Jacob is thinking about Edward thinking
about Jacob, so if Edward was here, and reading Jacob’s mind, he would be reading his
own mind and then…blood trickles out of my ear and I get a headache.
Bella is angry at Jacob for thinking sad thoughts while Edward was reading his mind. But
Jacob enjoyed seeing how the thought hurt Edward. Bella gets up to leave, as Jacob
apologizes and promises never to think of sad things again.
Bella says she needs to go anyway, because Alice is probably worried sick. (And Edward
is probably glowering so hard in anger that his eyes have melted and dripped down his
face like two eggs.) Jake asks when Bella will return, and she says, "I'll come back the
next time's he's away."
Jacob makes fun of Edward and Bella becomes angry again and says, "I don't care who's
a vampire and who's a werewolf. That's irrelevant. You are Jacob, and he is Edward, and
I am Bella. And nothing else matters." I believe a slightly modified version of that
statement was used to end the Cold War.
They smile at each other and do not kiss.

Prediction:
Jacob and Bella watch the sun set. Finally, Jacob speaks up.
JACOB: Hey Bella, want to hear something cool?

BELLA: What?
JACOB: I just imprinted you. Yeah, I’m imprinting with you right now.
BELLA: Stop that!
JACOB: It’s OK, imprint-mate. We need to get married.
BELLA: But I don’t like you as a boyfriend.
JACOB: I’m not asking to be your boyfriend. I’m asking to be your forever imprinted
husband. It’s different. You can’t say no. It’s imprinted. You can’t talk your way out of
an imprintmenship. It’s, like, the law.
BELLA: I still don’t know what that word means. And it doesn’t sound grammatically
correct.
JACOB: It means you must love me, ‘cause we’re imprint buddies. Imprinting is the
best, isn’t it? Three cheers for imprints!
BELLA: Stop saying “imprint.”
JACOB: It’s part of werewolf culture. Imprinting is fun. And I imprinted you real good.
I even imprinted your shoes!
BELLA: I’m so confused.
JACOB: Just say that we’re imprints. Say it!
BELLA: Um…OK. We’re imprints.
JACOB: Ha! Now we’re married…sort of.
BELLA: Whatever. I’m going to Edward’s house to play chess and make out.
JACOB: But…the imprint. I imprinted you. (SQUINTS EYES) There, I imprinted you
again.
BELLA: (WALKS AWAY) Yeah. Good luck with that.
JACOB: Imprint, come back!? I love you, my Imprint! Imprint!? IMPRINT!
Chapter Six:
Switzerland
Better Title:
Kidnapping is Fun for
the Whole Family
Freedom is so
overrated. I was wrong
to criticize Edward's
manipulative, abusive
behavior towards Bella.
It's obvious that he's
only trying to protect
her, and if protecting
her means kidnapping
her and holding her
hostage, well…maybe I can look the other way, because it's all about love. Plus, he did
buy her a new bed. Edward, you are one class act, and I wish you and your prisoner
nothing but good fortune and grand times ahead. (My "sarcasm" hand is raised so high,
and I'm stretching my fingertips with so much force, I fear my knuckles will lock into
place and my fingers will shoot off my hand like Nerf bullets.)
I hate the scheming Edward. I hate the greedy Alice. I hate the apathetic Esme. I hate the
rude Rosalie. And I particularly hate Carlisle, because he was built up as the most
reasonable vampire of this clan, the one who made peace with the werewolves, but if he's
letting Bella be held captive by his wife and kids, then he is nothing but an evil, awful,
illogical buffoon.
This chapter is horrible. Or rather, what the Cullens do to Bella is horrible. The section of
this chapter starring Angela is actually quite good.
It all begins with Bella leaving Jacob and driving to Angela's house to help Angela fill
out graduation announcements. On the way, Bella looks in her rearview mirror and sees
Edward following her in his Volvo. She knew that visiting Jacob was a no-no, and she
was prepared to get a scolding from Mr. Dreamy Eyes, but she didn't expect him to
follow her like a serial killer. This is beyond ridiculous. There are so many things wrong
here that I don't know where to start.
First, why is Edward worried? I understand that Alice can't see visions of Bella when
she's with Jacob. But Bella had decided to go to Angela's house later. Alice should have
seen this and told Edward, "Dude, Bells be going over to Ang's house, yo. It's all good."
Second, why is Edward driving? If he wanted to secretly keep an eye on Bella, why not
just run and hide in the bushes? I thought vampires could run super-fast.
And third, if Edward is being an overprotective prick, why not give Bella a damn cell
phone? Then he could be that annoying guy who keeps calling and texting his girlfriend
to check on her, which is slightly better than following her around in his car. Slightly.
Bella tries to ignore his car, and is somewhat relieved when she stops at Angela's house
and Edward continues driving. But to me, this is even scarier. The least Edward can do is
roll down his window and talk to Bella. Driving past her without a word is callous and
evil, the type of behavior you'd associate with Hannibal Lecter, not Romeo.
Angela invites Bella into her room, and the two friends begin to fill out envelopes. This
scene is nice, simple, and above all, real. I've said it before, but this book is at its best
when the characters are acting like teenagers, instead of melodramatic sad sacks who
throw reason and logic out the window for the sake of moving the plot in a certain
direction.
Bella notices that the house is quiet, and asks where Angela's parents went. Angela says
they went to a birthday party in Port Angeles. (No! Angela, call the cops. If your folks
went to the realm of horror that is Port Angeles, they've probably been mugged three
times already and murdered twice.)
As they address the envelopes, they talk about relationships. Angela asks about Edward,
but Bella is reluctant to offer up any information. She's sworn to secrecy about the world
of monsters. (Though it seems if you break this promise and reveal the secret, your
punishment is hugs and kisses.) Bella stops herself from going into any more detail, and
they change topics and discuss college.
Angela and her boyfriend Ben are both attending the University of Washington, which
makes Bella nervous because she knows there is an e-vamp on the prowl in Seattle. She
hopes that by the time Angela and Ben arrive, the vampire will have moved on. Of
course, if she really cared about Angela, she would warn Ang about the monsters.
I guess Bella only cares about vampires and protecting their secrets. If Angela told Bella
that she was going to the University of Volterra, Bella would probably say, "Cool. Um,
you might want to be careful, because in Volterra there are…delicious ice cream stands
and you might get addicted. (giggle)"
They continue to work on the envelopes. After a while Angela's boyfriend returns, and
Bella takes the cue to leave. When she arrives home, Bella becomes nervous. She knows
that the awful Edward Cullen is most likely waiting to scold, punish, and perhaps spank
Bella for disobeying his "Never See Jacob" rule. She opens the door to her room, and
sees the idiot standing stoically against the wall.
If you are dating a senseless vampire jerk, and you find him waiting for you in a darkened
room, and he looks angry, don't go into that room. Call for help. Summon the werewolves
with your werewolf call (three short whistles, followed by a loud howl). If the
werewolves are busy being awesome, call me. I will gladly come over and beat your
vampire boyfriend up. But whatever you do, stay away from the overreacting dumbass.
And don’t give me that crap about how Edward is simply trying to protect Bella because
he's nice and caring. A nice caring boyfriend does not follow his girlfriend's car. A nice
caring boyfriend does not make his girlfriend abide by ridiculous rules and restrictions. A
nice caring boyfriend would never sit and wait in the dark for his girlfriend to return
home so he can yell at her. (Also, a nice caring boyfriend agrees to see a romantic
comedy if his girlfriend agrees to see Avatar.)
The infuriated Edward starts by saying that he almost crossed over into werewolf
territory to "rescue" Bella from the evil wolves. Just when I think this series will end with
Edward berating Bella to death, she (finally) fights back, saying the werewolves are not
dangerous. And she's right. She's soooooo right. The werewolves exist only to protect
humans from vampires (as is my understanding) and fly around with jetpacks (as is my
greatest wish).
Bella and Edward continue to argue. She asks him not to overreact next time she visits
Jacob, and he says, "There isn't going to be a next time." Ugh. I'm done. Even if Edward
buys me a wonderful Christmas present, after which he finds a cure for cancer and
poverty, I will still hate him for being such a foolish, short-sighted, controlling dork-bag.
Is this really what some women want from a boyfriend? Do they really enjoy being
treated like a child? Do they enjoy being spoken to without any respect? If that's the case,
I need to go tell a special someone that I refuse to see Did You Hear About the Morgans,
and instead will be seeing Avatar…twice!
Bella asks if Edward is jealous of Jacob, and he raises an eyebrow. I'm jealous of Jacob,
but not because of his relationship with Bella (he can have her). I'm jealous of his
werewolf powers, and his presumably normal-sized wrists.
Edward is unwilling to compromise, and still forbids Bella from seeing Jacob. She then
says that in the world of monsters, she considers herself Switzerland, meaning she is
neutral. I would guess that in this analogy, Edward is a tiny, boring nation, perhaps the
Principality of Lichtenstein, and Jacob is an awesome, badass country, such as the
futuristic dystopian version of Australia from the Mad Max movies.
They agree to disagree and the fight, kind of, sort of, ends. Because Edward had to cut his
hunting trip short so that he could pathologically stalk his lover, he needs to go hunting
again. Bella is going to see Jacob while Edward is away, and isn't afraid to tell Edward
this fact. Way to go, Bells!
But things don't work out as she expected. Instead, this book takes a turn for the worse.
When Alice, instead of Edward, arrives to pick Bella up from work on Thursday, Bella
becomes suspicious. Alice explains that Edward left for his hunting trip early, which I
guess is an acceptable excuse for the Forks School District. (Does anyone in this book go
to school?)
Alice locks the car doors and speeds off. First sign of trouble. She says Bella will be
having a sleepover at the Cullen house for the next few days, and they have already
cleared things with Charlie.
I have no idea how they managed to do that. I thought Charlie was angry with the Cullens
for ditching his daughter and then taking her away for three mysterious days to Italy.
Maybe he forgot about all that while he was busy growing old alone.
Alice tells Bella, "You're staying with me two nights, and I will drive you to and from
school tomorrow." Creepy, right? Bella half-jokingly accuses Alice of kidnapping her,
and Alice responds, "Sorry. He paid me off." It seems that Edward gave Alice a Porsche
in exchange for Alice agreeing to take Bella hostage, thereby preventing Bella from
seeing Jacob.
Can we take a step back? Why couldn't Alice buy her own damn Porsche? Since Alice
has (nonsensical) psychic powers, I would assume she would have more money than the
rest of Cullens. Did she blow all of her finances on bubble gum and Zhu Zhu pets?
Alice argues, "You don't seem to grasp how dangerous a young werewolf can be.
Especially when I can't see them. Edward has no way to know if you're safe. You
shouldn't be so reckless." This is her excuse for imprisoning Bella while Edward is out
eating mountain lions?
This. Does not. Make sense.
The werewolves have never harmed Bella. Meanwhile, Jasper nearly killed her. I hate
you, Alice. I hate your powers. I hate your stupid Porsche. I hate that you were all too
willing to go along with Edward's dumb plan in exchange for a shiny gift. But what's
worse is that Carlisle must have approved of this friendly kidnapping. Is Dr. Cullen really
that dense? Does he truly believe that the werewolves are deadly killers, even though
they have never killed anyone? Does he think kidnapping a teenage girl is appropriate
behavior? If so, Dr. C. is off my Christmas card list. (Good news, Tyler, you're back on
my list!)
Alice just laughs off the idea that kidnapping Bella is wrong. She seems excited to have a
slumber party, saying, "I'll give you a pedicure and everything." Well, isn't she the
world's happiest prison guard?
At the Cullen house, Esme brings in some Italian food that she bought in Port Angeles,
where she was probably mugged and set on fire. Bella sits with Esme, Alice, and Rosalie
and watches movies…against her will.
Bella is annoyed, and rightfully so. She asks where she is going to sleep, since the
Cullens do not own beds. Alice says she can sleep in Edward's room; he has a big couch.
She then asks if she can go home to grab some clothes and whatnot. But Alice says that
won't be necessary because they have already collected everything she needs for the next
two days.
Bella asks if she can make a phone call. She needs to tell Jacob that she can't see him this
weekend. Alice reluctantly allows this. Bella calls Jake and says their plans for the
weekend are off. He reads between the lines and understands that Edward doesn't want
her to see him. Bella tries to make light of the situation and jokes about being held
prisoner.
The amazing, awesome, terrific Jacob then says, "We'll come and get you," implying that
he and the other wolves would rescue Bella from the clutches of the evil Cullens. This
my favorite line in the entire series.
Please, please, please let the werewolves help Bella. This could be my Christmas and
Hanukkah present. And I won't ask for anything for Arbor Day this year. Please!? I
promise I'll be good! I will accept any type of rescue mission, even if it's written in a
vague, confusing, Stephenie Meyer-esque action sentence: "And then the werewolves did
things in the room and more things happened, and then Bella was glowerlously rescued."
Bella tells Jake that the Cullens are only trying to keep her safe, and that everything is
fine and dandy. She hangs up and calls Edward. He doesn't answer the phone because
he's probably killing a mountain lion, or sniffing Bella's dirty clothes, or making a cage
for Bella out of solid gold and platinum.
She leaves him a teasingly angry message, saying that he's in trouble the next time she
sees him. I imagine that she will punish him by kissing his neck later.
Bella says she's sleepy and Alice shows her to Edward's room, where Bella finds a giant,
luxurious bed. Edward bought it to make Bella's captivity nice and pleasant. She is
shocked. While she gets ready for bed, she tells us that the Cullens' overprotective
behavior is "irritating." No, Bella. Mosquito bites are irritating. People who push the
elevator button more than once are irritating. Missing shoes are irritating. What the
Cullens are doing to you is not irritating. It's criminal.
Bella hops into bed and soon hears a knock at the door. She assumes it's Alice, but it's
Rosalie. Rose asks if she can come in, and the chapter ends…erotically.

Prediction:
The next night, Bella calls Jacob once again.
BELLA: Hey Jake.

JACOB: Hi Bella. How's it going at the Cullen Prison?
BELLA: Stop it, Jake. They're just trying to protect me.
JACOB: I think they're taking things too far.
BELLA: Well, last night they did saw off my toes.
JACOB: What?!
BELLA: It's no big deal. They just didn't want me to be able to run, or tip-toe. Whatever.
JACOB: No! Bella, that's not "whatever." This is dangerous.
BELLA: And they did chain me to the radiator. I asked Alice why, and she just giggled
and screamed, "Girls' night!" She's a hoot.
JACOB: Bella! You idiot! They're enslaving you.
BELLA: They also permanently blinded me with chemicals. It's so annoying.
JACOB: I'm coming to save you!
BELLA: No, Jake. It's OK. Really. They just didn't want me to be able to look at things
that are dangerous. I guess I can understand that. The Cullens are so sweet and nice.
JACOB: (GROWLS)
BELLA: Later, Esme is going to tear out my tongue, so this is probably the last time I
can ever talk to you. Crazy, right? But I can't complain. They got me a bed! A big pretty
one!
JACOB: (STRAPS ON JETPACK AND GRABS CROSSBOW) I'm on my way.
BELLA: Oh Jake. You're being silly. But if you are coming to rescue me, bring me a
sleeveless shirt. I no longer have arms. I'll explain later. Bye-bye.
Chapter Seven:
Unhappy Ending
Better Title: Eighteen
Pages of Crap
Punctuated by Two
Pages of Awesome.
Dan hesitated at the

computer, his
breathtaking face unsure
how to begin this
enchanting blog.
"Perhaps I will
commence by mocking
the opening line of this
chapter," Dan muttered
quietly. "It would be easy to do. The first sentence is dreadfully written, and the chapter
itself so rife with sentimentally and pretension that it made me unglower and chortle.
Even now, just thinking of the phrase 'Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking
face unsure' brings a smile to my face like that of a child on Christmas morn." And with
that, Dan stopped himself from writing the rest of the blog in such a pompous manner,
and returned to using plain, pedestrian English.
You suck, Stephenie Meyer. I can't tell if I'm reading Twilight, or Jane Eyre fan fiction.
No one talks like this. No one thinks like this, either. I understand that Rosalie is almost
100 years old, but even my 96-year-old grandma doesn't speak like she's stepping into the
ballroom of the Titanic. And Bella's own thoughts and narration are just as cheesy.
It's obvious that Stephenie Meyer is trying to impress the readers and make us think that
Rosalie's story is all so grand and tragic. But it isn't. It's a big ball of clichés and
cheesiness. A clich-eese ball, if you will. The writing in this chapter makes a typical soap
opera sound as if it were written by Diablo Cody. And the opening line made me laugh
for a good 30 seconds. Let me write it again:
Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure.
Ha! Oh man, that's even funnier than the joke about the ventriloquist frog. If Bella were a
real 18-year-old girl and saw Rosalie standing in her doorway, she would not think to
herself, "Rosalie hesitated in the doorway, her breathtaking face unsure." Instead she
would think:
"Rosalie was in my doorway, and she looked confused. What the hell is her problem?"
Or
"Rosalie was nearby. It was weird. Whatever."

Or
"Rose be all up in my business. And I'm all like, eww."
The writing in this chapter also illustrates my point that when Bella talks to her high
school friends, it seems natural. But when she talks to a monster, the dialogue becomes
hilariously overwritten. In the last chapter, when Bella and Angela were discussing boys,
Bella said, "Edward thinks Jacob is a bad influence, I guess. Sort of…dangerous." That's
not going to win a ribbon at this year's Dialogue Awards, but at least it sounds like
something a teenager would say.
But when she's with Rosalie, everything becomes forced. For example, this bit of
dialogue that seems about as natural as a nine-headed turtle: "Would you like to hear my
story Bella? It doesn’t have a happy ending—but which of ours does?" That's so freaking
profound, Rose. You just blew my mind with that eloquent, poetic, spur-of-the-moment
statement. (Hand raised)
After Rosalie makes her hesitant, unsure, breathtaking entrance, she sits down with Bella
and begins to explain why she always acts cold towards Belly. It's a long, rambling story,
and I'll be honest, I didn't really pay close attention to what happened. (I was busy
thinking about graham crackers, and why graham pretzels and graham soda don't exist.)
But here's the gist of Rose's tale:
Back in the 1930s, Rosalie was a happy, pretty girl, the daughter of a well-to-do banker
and a prim and proper mother. She was a spoiled brat who knew that everyone gawked at
her beauty. She wanted nothing more in life than a big house, and servants, and a
handsome, rich husband. Or so she thought.
She was courted by a wealthy banker's son named Royce King. I assume Meyer uses this
name because it would be too obvious to call him Prince Miser Moneybags, or Lord Evil
Cashdollar. Anyway, Royce and Rose planned to get married, and Rose thought
everything was going to be splendid. But…are you sitting down? Things ended badly!
Rose had a friend named Vera. Vera married a poor carpenter (I don't remember his
name, so I'll call him Frodo Pennypot). At first Rose could not understand why a woman
would lower her social standing by dating a carpenter, but then she saw how much Frodo
loved Vera. And when Vera and Frodo had a beautiful child, Rose realized there might be
more to life than snobbery. But Rose still wanted to marry the wealthy Royce, even
though he wasn't that nice of a dude.
After leaving Vera and Fordo's place one chilly April night, Rose was heckled by a group
of drunk men partying under a broken street light. Drunk men under a broken street light
are never a good sign. If this scene seems familiar, it's because it's been used in just about
every single movie, book, TV show, play, opera, puppet show, music video, commercial,
ballet, comic strip, and cave drawing that you've ever seen.
As the men called out to the scared Rose, she realized that she recognized one of the
voices. One of the drunk guys was…wait for it…Royce King himself! At first Rose was
relieved that her boyfriend was there to protect her, but he didn't greet her with hugs,
kisses, and silver spoons. Instead, he barked at her to come closer to the guys. He then
showed her off like she were a piece of meat. He tugged her hair and ripped off her coat
to give his buddies a better look.
Rosalie stops her story here, and doesn't go into the gruesome details. Needless to say,
bad things happened that night. The men had their way with her, and left her beaten and
injured, lying on the street. She thought she would die on the cold ground, but luckily Dr.
Carlisle Cullen found her, and took her back to his place, to a shocked Esme and Edward.
Rosalie then felt something stabbing her throat and wrists, and it's obvious that Carlisle
was transforming her into a vampire. Edward thought it was foolish for Carlisle to
transform one of the town's most recognizable socialites, but Carlisle said, "I couldn't just
let her die."
Granted, we have no idea how badly Rosalie was injured. I'm sure she wasn't in great
shape. But Carlisle doesn't even give the girl a bandage or some aspirin. Instead he
simply transforms her into a vampire. That's a bit hasty and out of character, don't you
think?
Of all the people Carlisle treated as a doctor, he's only transformed two or three people
(Ed, Rose, and maybe Esme). So he's probably let a lot of folks die, innocent people who
were sick with disease, children with critical burn injuries, soldiers who were simply
trying to defend their country, etc. And yet when one pretty girl is a little beat up and
chilly, he suddenly decides to save her life and make her immortal by using vampire
powers? Was she even dying?
What happened to Rose is horrible, and I'm not saying she didn't deserve to be helped.
But if Carlisle is going to jaunt around town turning injured people into vampires, why
doesn't he do so more often? He could save millions of lives! Instead, he's chosen to save
a handful of pretty people. Way to go, Dr. C. (You can't tell, but I'm slowly clapping my
hands in a sarcastic manner. I'm also smirking in a sarcastic manner…and chewing on a
pizza bagel, somewhat sarcastically.)
Rosalie continues telling Bella the story, describing how super-attractive the
transformation made her. There was a time when Rosalie wanted to be the most beautiful
being on the planet, but when she finally got her wish, she really only wanted the life her
ugly friends Vera and Frodo had. She wanted a life of genuine love, and she wanted the
ability to have babies. (If I didn't know better, I would say that Ms. Meyer stole Rose's
unfulfilled desire to have children from my poem "Batman vs. The Fertility Doctor.")
Under Carlisle's tutelage, Rose became a good vampire, and never tasted human blood.
But she did kill a few people. After she was transformed, she wanted revenge, and
murdered Royce King and his friends. But she didn't shed any blood, because she knew
she would not be able to control her thirst. I wonder how she killed these seven people
without getting bloody. Probably by drowning them, or making them eat foods high in
saturated fats and cholesterol.
Since vampires are weird, silly drama freaks, she even wore her wedding dress as she
killed Royce and his goons. Was that intended to scare Royce? I'm sure he didn't care.
ROYCE: Oh no! You've come to kill me! Please don't kill me! Agh! Ack! Noooo! Hey,
what's up with that dress? Whatever. Ack! Arggggggggh. Gurgle.
Rosalie ends the story, and is surprised to learn that Edward never told Bella what
happened. Bella says Edward was being respectful of Rosalie's privacy, and Rose says,
"He's really quite decent, isn't he?" And I laugh. And laugh. And laugh.
This brings us back to why Rosalie hates Bella. She's annoyed that Bella wishes to
become a vampire simply because Bella doesn't want to be old. Rose is envious of Bella's
ability to have children, and doesn’t understand why Bella would throw it all away. She
wants Bella to know that if she became a vampire, she might regret the choice. I agree.
Bella needs to think things through.
This is just like the time in elementary school when I refused to wear my lazy-eye patch
because I thought it made me ugly. I have a bad eye, and the doctor said if I wore a patch
for a few hours a day in kindergarten, my eye would get better. But I refused, thinking
only of the present, never realizing how this would change my life. And now, because I
was vain and didn't wear the patch, I have horrible vision in one eye, and can't see 3-D
movies very well, and have poor depth perception. So if you throw me something, I
probably won't catch it. (And even if I had good eyes, I still wouldn't catch it because I
have little, pencil-thin wrists that are often mistaken for hairy bread sticks.) So Bella
needs to think ahead and understand the consequences.
Bella argues that becoming a vampire isn't all bad because Rosalie has found a soul mate
in Emmett. (Yay! Emmett is mentioned again!) But Rose says although she loves
Emmett, she still wishes to have children and grandchildren. Can't she adopt? Or just
watch the Hallmark Channel all day like my great aunt?
When Rosalie rescued the human Emmett from being mauled by a bear, she took him
back to Carlisle and begged him to transform Emmett and save his life. She loved him
from the moment she saw him, because his face reminded her of Vera's baby. So…wait.
Rose loves Emmett because he looks like the child Rose could never have? That's kind of
confusing, and icky. And Emmett is no child!
Rose reminds Bella that the choice to become a vampire is permanent. And before
leaving, she pats Bella on the head. That's not odd. I pat people on the head all the time
when I finish a story. It's a classier way of saying, "The End." Rosalie leaves, or as
Stephenie Meyer puts it, "She got up silently and ghosted to the door." Seeing "ghost"
used as a verb always makes me smile.
The next morning, Alice drives Bella to school…and then something amazing happens!
Go to the bathroom, get a drink of water, and grab a snack. This is going to get fantastic.
Bella snaps at Alice for the whole kidnapping plan. And Alice simply frowns. (That's not
the awesome part.) Between classes, Mike Newton once again asks Bella out (this isn't
the awesome part, either) and just as she's shooting him down, a loud motorcycle engine
is heard in the background. (OK. This is the awesome part!)
Bella turns around and sees Jacob "The Thunder" Black stopping his motorcycle on the
sidewalk, as he revs the engine and beckons to her. And she finally comes to her senses
and sprints over to Jacob, hopping on his motorcycle while giving Alice a look that says,
"How do you like me now, you kidnapping freak?"
Jake then speeds off before Alice has a chance to stop him, and he races for the werewolf
territory. Once they make it past the boundary, Jacob smiles and asks,"What do you want
to do today?"
Bella answers, "Anything!"
I'm not kidding! This part actually happens. I know it sounds like one of my goofy jokes,
where I write, "And then Jacob and Bella fly off in jetpacks to go hunt dragons with
Robocop." But this time it's real! Jacob rescues Bella! Merry Christmas to Dan!

Prediction:
Carlisle administers CPR to an ugly old guy. After a few chest compressions he looks up
and spots a young attractive woman who is suffering from a minor paper cut. He lets the
man die and quickly rushes to the woman's side. He transforms her into a vampire,
saying, "I have given you the curse of life, my dear. I have much to teach you."
Meanwhile Bella hangs out with Jacob.
JACOB: What should we do?

BELLA: I don't know. We could go to a movie. Or we could ghost.
JACOB: What?
BELLA: We could ghost.
JACOB: What does that mean?
BELLA: It's a verb. It means to do things in a ghost-like manner. You know…ghosting.
JACOB: That sounds strange.
BELLA: Ghosting is the best. I ghosted all the time back in Arizona.
JACOB: Hmm. Why don't we imprint instead?
BELLA: Well, how about if we imprint and then ghost?
JACOB: Hell yes!
BELLA: If you don't have ghosting gloves, you can borrow mine.
Blogging
Eclipse: Part 8
Chapter Eight:
Temper
Better Title: Eww!
That’s Just Wrong.
Sadly, the mission to

rescue Bella does not
end with Jacob slaying
the vampires with an
automatic crossbow and
an out-of-control tractor trailer. Instead, Bella and Jake go back to his house and walk on
the beach. Walking on the beach must be Bella’s favorite activity, because she does it all
the time. In fact, if I didn’t know better, I would say “walking on the beach” was her code
for having sex or using/selling drugs.
If I were hanging out with a werewolf who had just rescued me from the clutches of
manipulative vampires, I would not go walking on the beach. I would be informing the
werewolf about the various entry points to the Cullen compound, while loading a shotgun
and strapping knives to my legs in preparation for “Operation: Thunderclap Leech Kill.”
But not Bella. She just enjoys beach walking, and would probably pass up once-in-a-
lifetime opportunities to stroll along a cold, rocky shore.
ASTRONAUT: Hello! And welcome to Space Camp, where your dreams become a
reality! What would you like to do first?
BELLA: You got any beaches I could walk on?
ASTRONAUT: Um…
BELLA: Because I loooove walking on beaches. It’s kind of my thing. That’s why they
call me Beachy Bella. At least, it sounds like that’s what they call me…
ASTRONAUT: Well, there is a beach about thirty miles away. Wouldn’t you rather try
out the flight simulator or human centrifuge?
BELLA: Is the human centrifuge a type of beach? Can I walk on it?
ASTRONAUT: No.
BELLA: Will the human centrifuge touch my face?
ASTRONAUT: No. Not really.
BELLA: [LONG SILENCE] Which way was that beach you mentioned?
During their stroll on the beach, Bella asks Jacob about the wolf pack, and he reacts
nervously. Something is up in the werewolf community, and after a little prying, Jake
finally reveals that Quil has imprinted. That’s fantastic! Way to go!
Quil has found true love with a nice young woman named Claire. Claire is Emily’s niece,
and was visiting La Push when Quil locked eyes with her and fell madly in love. It’s all
so wonderful and romantic, just like a Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie. Did I mention that
Claire is two years old? It doesn’t matter. That’s not important. It’s a sweet, passionate
relationship between two people destined to be with each other. It makes your heart fill
with joy. (Both sarcasm hands raised. Typing with tongue.)
How? Why? What? There are a lot of goofy things in this book, from Marcus to Dream
Edward, but Quil’s budding romance with a two-year-old is beyond silly. What will these
two lovers talk about on a date?
QUIL: You look lovely tonight, Claire. Is that OshKosh B’gosh? It’s very becoming.
CLAIRE: You face is funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
QUIL: Claire, you’re so witty.
CLAIRE: Chicken ‘uggets!
QUIL: Are you hungry?
CLAIRE: I want chicken ‘uggets!
QUIL: I’m not sure they have chicken nuggets on the menu, my love.
CLAIRE: [PUTS HAND ON HEAD] I’m a rabbit!
QUIL: Um…ok.
CLAIRE: Can I go on slide?
QUIL: You mean at the park? Put down the fork, my dearest. It’s not a toy.
CLAIRE: Can I slide at park?
QUIL: But the park is far away. And it’s nighttime.
CLAIRE: Why [unintelligible] the man [unintelligible] a horse? Drum!
QUIL: Um…
CLAIRE: Train?
QUIL: No, we can’t go on the train tonight, honey. Put down the spoon. Where is your
shoe?
CLAIRE: Twinkle! Twinkle! Little! Star! [BANGS SPOON ON THE TABLE]
QUIL: I love you too.
In the book, immediately after Jacob reveals Claire’s age, Stephenie Meyer writes, “Rain
started to fall.” That’s because God is crying after hearing about this ridiculous
relationship.
Naturally, Bella is confused by Quil’s choice of life partners. Jacob tries to explain that it
was not Quil’s decision, and that imprinting is like gravity: useless to defy. According to
Jake, Quil will watch over Claire as she grows up, acting as an older brother, and then,
when Claire is old enough, Quil will marry her and they will live happily ever after.
This is gross, but in such an over-the-top way that you can’t help but laugh. It’s like
finding out that your grandma made adult movies under the name Bendy Wendy. Perhaps
Stephenie Meyer is trying to show us that love is ageless. Or perhaps she sat down in
front of her typewriter and said, “You know what group always gets a bad reputation?
Pedophiles. I plan to change all that. Typewriter, activate!”
Jacob says imprinting occurs when a werewolf sees his mate for the first time. This begs
the question: Are blind werewolves lonely? (Find out in my forthcoming epic poem,
entitled, “Blind Leroy Falls in Love On the High Seas.”)
Jacob then acts a bit too emo for my taste, and sadly tells Bella, “I’ll never see anyone
else, Bella. I only see you.” Come on, Jake. Snap out of it. Where’s the badass I fell in
love with (in a friend sort of way)? The one who eats vampires? The one who mouths off
to school principals? The one who (probably) strikes matches off the side of his face? I’m
not a fan of this sad-sack Jake. This is like finding out that Batman cries in the shower,
where no one can see his tears.
But not to worry, folks. Jacob is about to become awesome once again.
After Jacob reveals his not-so-secret longing for Bella, she is a little weirded out and
thinks about going home. But he assures her that he will stop being creepy, and shoots
her the charming smile that she cannot resist.
They ride motorcycles for a while and then go back to Jacob’s house to eat. After dinner,
they hang out in the garage and reminisce about how nice things were when Edward was
away and Bella spent all of her time at Jake’s, during the months I like to call “Rad-
tember” and “Dan-uary.”
Jacob asks if Bella is seriously considering becoming a vampire, and she tells him she’s
more than just considering it. He is a little ticked off and says, in an awesome way, “You
know what this will mean?” He reminds Bella that if the Cullens bite her, it will nullify
the treaty and the werewolves would attack the vampires. (And I will cheer so loudly that
my neighbor is going to think I’m watching the end of Home Alone 2: Lost in New York,
again.)
But Bella once again defends the vampires. Jacob gets angrier as Bella keeps prattling on
about how the vampires are nice people. She asks Jacob if he would ever forgive her if
she became a vampire. He replies, “You won’t be Bella anymore. My friend won’t exist.
There’ll be no one to forgive.”
I love Jacob. Sure, he sounds like a Star Wars villain in this scene, but that’s OK. Star
Wars villains are cool. Plus, Jacob’s right. If bratty Bella wants to be a vampire, then she
can’t be friends with Jacob anymore.
Deal with it, Belly. Go off to Alaska and eat bears and bigfoots. And then when Edward
acts like a strict parent and refuses to let you watch TV because he fears the bright lights
might hurt your eyes, you can rush back to Jacob. And Jacob will laugh and say, “Who
are you? You’re not Bella. Bella is dead.” And then he will go back to making out with
someone better than you (maybe Kristin Bell or a mermaid).
Jacob says they can still be friends for a few years, until Bella makes the transformation.
She drops a bomb, telling him that her transformation isn’t years away, but a few short
weeks from now. Jacob flips out. He bursts a can of soda in his hand, as his body shakes.
(Wolf! Wolf! Wolf!) His wild eyes focus on Bella, as a growl echoes in his chest. Things
are about to become amazing…and then it stops. Jacob calms himself down. No
werewolf!? Agh!
I get mad and frustrated. My chest shakes. My hands quiver. If I’m ever going to turn into
a werewolf, this is what will set it off! Quickly, I try to flex my calf muscles (where I still
believe the werewolf “activate” muscle is located), but nothing happens. Still, my head
kind of hurts now, and I think my shins are slightly fuzzier. Eh…it’s a start. I just need
more practice.
Jacob tries to control himself as Bella explains that she wants to become a vampire right
away, before she is too old for Edward. She says, “He’s all I want. What else can I do?”
And Jacob once again proves to be the best character in this book (next to Emmett), by
saying, “Anything. Anything else. You’d be better off dead. I’d rather you were.” Take
that, little Miss Grumpy Slacks.
Bella doesn’t like Jake's response and yells at him before storming off. I’m no werewolf
expert (yet), but I don’t think yelling at a werewolf is a good idea, especially one who is
already infuriated, and specifically one who just said he’d rather you were dead.
Bella rides her motorcycle to the Cullens' house. And I really, really, really don’t want to
go any further. Things are about to get lame. The story will drag to a halt. And characters
are about to do things that make no sense (which isn’t that much of a surprise in these
books).
Instead of blogging about what happens next in the book, is it all right if I blog about
something more interesting and exciting? Such as botany, or maritime law? See, gang,
the thing to remember about maritime law is that cases regarding Limitations of
Shipowners Liability must be heard in the federal courts, and should not be handled by
state government. I wonder what would happen if a Shipowner was stuck in an elevator
with a member of State Government…
SHIPOWNER: This elevator is stuck. I’m going to tell you about my Limitations of
Shipowners Liability.
STATE GOVERNMENT OFFICIAL: Don’t be a fool! That’s a problem for the federal
courts! This elevator sure is stuck, huh? Let’s tongue kiss.
Screw it. Back to Eclipse…
At the Cullen house, Bella finds Alice sitting on her Porsche. Alice doesn’t seem too
upset that Bella ran away to La Push. Bella simply goes to bed. She wakes up in the
middle of the night and finds Edward in the room with her.
And then they kiss for pages and pages.
Bella doesn’t seem to mind that the Cullens kidnapped her, held her against her will, and
dictated who she can and cannot be friends with. All of those outrages fly right out the
window. Because Edward is so freaking hot, she’s not mad at all.
And then Edward changes his mind about holding Bella hostage. He decrees that she can
see the werewolves whenever she’d like, and admits he was wrong. What the hell
happened? Did I miss the chapter where Jacob knocks some sense into Edward with a
sledgehammer? A few days ago, Edward destroyed Bella’s truck to prevent her from
seeing Jacob. Yesterday, he had his family conspire in a plot to kidnap Bella in an effort
to prevent her from seeing Jacob. But now…he doesn’t care?
Maybe next Edward will tell Bella that she doesn’t need to go to college, and instead
advises her to become a motorcycle stunt driver or professional cliff diver.
During this multi-page love-fest there is a lot of touching, and talk of restraint and self-
control. Bella seems anxious to get it on with Edward, but he keeps reminding her that he
would kill her if they became too passionate. I doubt that.
Bella seems ready to have “naked fun time” with Edward right now, if only he weren’t
going to kill her in the process. But what would really happen if Edward and Bella had
sex? I’m not interested in the naughty details (OK, maybe a little), but I’m curious how
and why Edward would kill her. Would he forget that he loved her, and bite her neck?
He’s already bitten her once before, in the first book after the James attack. So I think the
guy could control himself a little bit, and not murder his one true love.
I think the real reason Edward is denying Bella sex is that he doesn’t know how to do it. I
may be wrong, but I think Edward is a 110-year-old virgin. I understand that he wanted to
wait for the right person. That’s very noble. But come on, dude! 110 years without so
much as a one-night stand? I think there’s something else behind Edward’s chastity.
Eddie grew up in a time when sex wasn’t talked about openly. He probably has no idea
what to do in the bedroom. For over a century he’s been using his monstrous tendencies
as an excuse to avoid sex. The poor guy is just nervous.
I imagine when Bella and Edward finally do take things to the next level, it will be
awkward, quick, and filled with Edward’s gentle whispers of, “Is that normal? Is that
right? That doesn’t feel right. Eww. Please don’t laugh. Are you OK? Is that supposed to
happen? Why can’t I stop crying?”
Anyway, the cuddle fest continues. Edward apologizes for being mean. Bella apologizes
for being dangerous. They murmur and touch and kiss and snuggle. They talk about beds.
They talk about passion. And it just keeps going, and going, and going. The chapter ends
with Edward humming Bella’s lullaby, and Bella falling fast asleep…despite being
sexually frustrated.
Glowers: 0 (Book Total: 7 Starting to worry about this one, guys)

Prediction:
Jacob calls Bella with more news regarding the wolf pack.
JACOB: Hey.
BELLA: What’s up, dork. Still wish I were dead?
JACOB: No. Sorry about that.
BELLA: It’s all good. Want to hold me in a platonic way, later?
JACOB: Sure. But can I ask you something first?
BELLA: OK. Shoot.
JACOB: Will you go with me to Embry’s wedding?
BELLA: Embry’s getting married?
JACOB: Yeah. He imprinted last night. It’s pretty exciting.
BELLA: Who’s the lucky gal? Don’t tell me it’s another baby.
JACOB: No. It’s nothing like that. He’s going to marry a wheelbarrow.
BELLA:…
JACOB: Her name is Karen.
BELLA: But…that’s not right.
JACOB: I knew you’d act like this. You’re so ignorant, Bella. Embry and Karen love
each other. It’s not gross. It’s beautiful.
BELLA: I didn’t say it was gross. It’s odd, though.
JACOB: He saw her at the garden center, and fell in love instantly. He became very
protective of her. It’s kind of sweet.
BELLA: Um…
JACOB: I can’t believe how judgmental you are. It’s people like you that attacked my
great-great grandfather when he married a walrus. And I suppose you think it’s funny that
my great uncle dated a pile of leaves named Denise. You just don’t understand werewolf
culture, Bella. I hate you! I wish you were dead! By the way, the wedding is this Saturday
at my house.
Chapter Nine: Target
Better Title: Edward
and Jacob are BFFs
Not much happened in

the first 196 pages of
this book, as Bella
bounced back and forth
between Edward and
Jacob like some sort of
whiny, unhappy tennis
ball. So imagine my
surprise when Stephenie
Meyer unleashes a
literary gimmick called
"plot development" in
this chapter, and the story finally moved forward. Plus, Emmett shows up! Emmett's
back! Hi Emmett!
The chapter begins with Bella returning home from her sleepover/hostage situation. Jacob
called while she was away, hoping to apologize for what he said the other day. Bella is
still ticked off, and isn't ready to let him off the hook. So far, it sounds like a typical
chapter. But just when you think Bella will go on for a few dozen pages about friendship
and forever buddies, things pick up.
She goes to her room and collects laundry, noticing that a few articles of clothing are
missing. At first she suspects Alice tossed the clothes in the hamper before kidnapping
her. But the clothes are nowhere to be found. She asks her dad if he went into her room
while she was gone, and he says he didn't. Thus begins the mystery of the missing
clothes!
OK. So maybe this isn't exactly the world's greatest thriller. But after reading eight
chapters of Bella saying, "I like you. No, now I hate you," even a little bit of suspense is
more than welcome. Heck, if this chapter were simply twenty pages of Charlie trying to
make popcorn without burning it, I would be on the edge of my seat. Did I mention that
Emmett is going to show up? Because he is. And he's even going to say words!
Edward rings the doorbell, and Bella answers as her dad watches TV. Edward holds his
finger to his lips in a "be quiet" gesture, and uses his vampire speed to race into the house
and scope things out. He then pulls Bella into the kitchen. Charlie assumes they are
having a fight. But Edward has some scary news. Someone (or something) has been in
Bella's house and stolen her clothes.
Edward doesn't recognize the scent. So that rules out Victoria. And it wasn't one of the
werewolves, because werewolves don't stalk young girls and steal their clothes like
perverts. (That's obvious vampire behavior.) Bella worries that it was one of the Volturi
vampires coming to check up on her and make sure she was turned into a vampire. Please
tell me it's Marcus (giggle).
Edward wants Bella to go with him back to the Cullen house to sort this out. But Bella
panics, worried for Charlie's safety. Then Edward says the best thing he has ever said. He
picks up his cell phone, dials a number, and simply says, "Emmett."
Oh! Hell! Yes!
With that simple word, you know that Emmett "The Pain Maker" Cullen will make sure
Charlie is safe. Oh, and Jasper comes too.
After Edward arranges for Emmett and Jasper to watch over Charlie, he takes Bella to his
house, where he wants to have a chat with Alice, because Alice should have seen a vision
of the intruder before s/he intruded. Finally, maybe we'll get some answers about Alice's
super powers! (Just kidding. Alice's powers are never explained. At all.)
At the Cullen Compound, the vampires all look worried and stressed. Alice knows that
Edward is angry. She tries to defend herself, saying that it's impossible to watch the entire
world with her psychic powers. She is already focusing on the Italian Volturi Vamps,
Victoria, and Bella, and she doesn't have enough psychic juice left to keep an eye on
Bella's house 24/7. She also claims that if Bella were in any danger, she would have seen
a vision of that. (Although, wouldn't Bella need to decide to be in danger for Alice's
powers to work?)
The idea that this culprit got past Alice's defenses upsets Edward. How did the villain do
it? I'm guessing the evil vampire is pretty sneaky. Maybe the e-vamp didn't decide to
invade Bella's privacy, and simply did it by accident. That way, Alice wouldn't have a
vision. Or perhaps he keeps a baby werewolf in his pocket as a way to shield himself
from Alice's powers.
The group tries to figure out who would be after Bella. It's not Victoria, because the scent
is wrong. It wasn't Aro, because Alice is keeping a close watch on him. It may have been
another Volturi, acting on his or her own. Maybe the creepy, child-like Jane. But why
would Jane want to terrorize Bella? And it's probably not Marcus, because Marcus is way
too busy back in Italy, using his (giggle) powers to (giggle) look at relationships. (It's a
very important job, no doubt.)
No one can come up with a reasonable answer. But to me, it's very obvious who was after
Bella: Mike Newton. He has lusted after Bella since she first showed up in Forks. And I
always suspected he was a serial killer. Of all the people in this book, Newton is the one
who would love to get a hold of Bella's dirty clothes. Mystery solved! Just call me
Sherlock Bergstein. (Kidding. Don't call me that. It will confuse my goldfish, who has the
same name, and then eight weeks of fish-training would go down the tubes.)
Emmett and Jasper return. The Pain Maker says they tracked the scent but it seems the
vampire hopped in a car and sped away. Emmett gives Edward a leaf that has the
vampire's scent on it. Edward doesn’t recognize it. So maybe it's not Mike Newton. It
could be Mike Newton wearing cologne or a suit made from the flesh of his victims.
Or it's that vampire from Seattle that was mentioned in passing earlier in the book. I'll bet
$5 that it's the Seattle vampire. I'm so smart. Call me Batman Bergstein! (Kidding. Don’t
call me that. Doing so will power up my voice-activated computer.)
Bella worries, and asks that the Cullens transform her into a vampire right away. She
thinks this is the only way to keep everyone safe. But Carlisle and the gang refuse, telling
Bella she has nothing to worry about. Really? Some vampire was just nosing around in
her underpants pile while the Cullens were having a slumber party; I think she has every
right to be nervous. If Bella were on fire, Carlisle would simply say, "Don't worry, Bella.
You'll be fine. We're all going to watch over you as you burn. There, there, child."
Alice then promises, "It's all going to be fine, Bella." Yeah right. Like I'm going to trust
the psychic who can't see dogs. Bella, hop on Emmett's back and ride to the werewolves.
It's your only hope!
Edward takes the nervous Bella home. He says one of his family members will be
watching over the house, so she will be safe. Bella goes to bed. As she listens to the
heavy rain falling, she feels guilty that one of the Cullens must stand in the rain and
watch over her house. But instead of going outside and handing the unlucky bloodsucker
an umbrella, she goes to sleep as Edward sings her a lullaby. How inconsiderate.
The next day, she tells Edward that she is going to call Jacob and make amends. Edward
acts as though this doesn't bother him. In fact, he seems totally cool with the idea of Bella
being friends with a werewolf. Bella tells us, "It seemed like Edward really was over the
whole anti-werewolf thing." Huh?
By "anti-werewolf thing" does she mean the rivalry that has lasted for centuries? The
years and years of hatred, fighting, name-calling, and feuding? All of that anger and rage
goes out the window because Edward changed his mind? And he changed his mind
because…well, we never really know. (Cough Meyer-wrote-herself-into-a-corner
Cough). One day Ed hates werewolves. The next day, he thinks they're swell.
This would be like me waking up tomorrow and screaming, "Olives are tasty and not
gross balls of briny rubber!" That's not going to happen. People don't change their minds
about their deep-rooted ideology overnight. The Revolutionary War didn't end because
the British thought things over and said, "Hey, America is pretty neat. Let's go home."
Star Wars didn't end with the Emperor saying, "I love Jedis!" And Harry Potter didn't end
with Voldemort sighing, "Muggles ain't that bad. What's up with my nose, anyway?" This
doesn't make sense, and it makes me angry.
I want my werewolf/vampire war! I want to see Sam beat the living crap out of Jasper. I
want to see Esme drive a tanker truck filled with gas into Sam's house. I want to see
Embry choke slam Carlisle into a boulder. I want to see Emmett enter the battle by
leaping from a helicopter with a hatchet in each hand, and a big ol' grin on his face. And I
want to see Edward curled up behind a tree trying to defend himself with a lullaby as
Jacob "The Thunder" Black emerges from the fog.
But if I can't have that, I guess a werewolf/vampire team-up wouldn't be too horrible.
Bella calls Jacob, and before she can say a thing, he launches into a excited apology. He's
sorry for saying what he said, and will do anything to make it up to her. She forgives him,
and he asks her to come over and hang out. Bella tells him that now is not a good time.
She's about to explain the intruder situation, but Edward asks for the phone. She hands it
over to Eddie, and he begins to chat politely with Jacob.
Unfortunately, we only hear Edward's side of the conversation, so I had to use my

imagination to fill in what Jacob said. Below are Edward's exact words from the book,
coupled with how I envision Jacob responded.
EDWARD: Hello Jacob.

JACOB: What's up, Ed-turd?
EDWARD: Someone was here—not a scent I know.
JACOB: Why don't you write a lullaby about it?
EDWARD: Has your pack come across anything new?
JACOB: Man, I don't know. When we're soaring above the trees with our jetpacks, we
see all kinds of crazy crap. Bring Bella over to my house. I want to kiss her.
EDWARD: Here's the crux, Jacob. I won't be letting Bella out of my sight till I get this
taken care of. It's nothing personal—
JACOB: No, here's the crux, crux-boy. I can name all the state capitals. I bet you can't.
EDWARD: You might be right—
JACOB: I know I'm right, monkey-muncher. Now why don't you shut the hell up and
give me $50, or else I'll cram a lit match in your eye.
EDWARD: That's an interesting suggestion. We're quite willing to renegotiate. If Sam is
amenable.
JACOB: Oh, I think Sam will be "amendable." You sound like a d-bag.
EDWARD: Thank you.
JACOB: Are you taking Bella to the see Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakel?
EDWARD: I'd planned to go alone, actually. And leave her with the others.
JACOB: You're such a fan boy. I bet you'll love the movie.
EDWARD: I'll try to consider it objectively. As objectively as I'm capable of.
JACOB: I wish hotdogs were flat like hamburgers.
EDWARD: That's not a half-bad idea. When?
JACOB: All the time, I guess. You sound scared. [IN MOCKING TONE] Do you want
me to come over and hold your hand?
EDWARD: No, that's fine. I'd like a chance to follow the trail personally, anyway.
JACOB: How long does it take you to tie your shoes?
EDWARD: Ten minutes.
JACOB: Say "certainly" or I'll kill your brain.
EDWARD: Certainly.
JACOB: Put Bella back on the phone, so I can French kiss her with my voice.
Edward then gives the phone back to Bella. My version of the conversation might not be
100% accurate, but the monsters do seem to be teaming up. And that means Emmett and
Jacob will team up! You can almost smell the jetpack fumes mixed with sword-polish in
the air. This will be awesome! Though I'm probably getting my hopes up, and when
Jacob and Emmett do unite for justice, it will not involve dynamite, nunchucks, swords,
and flying kicks. Still…a man can hope. You can't take that away from me. Please don't
take that away from me. Please?
Jacob tells Bella that she might see a giant wolf lurking near her house, because he's
going to check things out. He says he'll be at her house in a few minutes. And like that
(SNAPS FINGERS) this book finally has a plot.
Glowers: 1 (Book Total 8)

Murmurs: 2 (Book Total 26)
Prediction:
The werewolves and the vampires get along wonderfully. They have pool parties, go
shopping together, and even form a bowling team. Things are going so great that Bella
feels left out. To make matters worse, the monsters start making fun of her behind her
back.
SAM: And then Bella was curled up in a ball in the forest when I found her. I'm not
kidding! She was literally curled up.
ESME: Ha! That's such a Bella thing to do. What a melodramatic dork.
ROSALIE: Hey guys. Guys. Guess who I am, OK? Ready? "Waah! I can have babies
and eat food. My life is horrible. Waah!"
[EVERYONE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING]
QUIL: You should have seen her on the motorcycle. I've seen toddlers with better
balance. And I would know. I'm dating one!
[MORE LAUGHTER]
EDWARD: This one time, we were touching faces, and she had this glob of spit in the
corner of her mouth, and I…
[BELLA COMES WALKING INTO THE ROOM]
BELLA: Hey guys. What's up.
[AWKWARD SILENCE]
EDWARD: Oh. Uh…nothing. We were just making plans to take down the evil vampire.
You know….monster business.
BELLA: Oh. OK.
[BELLA LEAVES THE ROOM]
EDWARD: So anyway, this dollop of spittle is like, staring at me. It was so gross! I
named the spit glob "Leroy."
[EVERYONE LAUGHS]
Chapter Ten: Scent
Better Title: I Wish It
Were Chapter 11
We're going to a
Werewolf Party! Well,
not really. But at the
end of this chapter,
Bella is headed out to
La Push to a bonfire
party with Jacob and the
other werewolves. So
that means we're invited
too! Werewolf Party!
Oh man, it's going to be

awesome, with hot dogs, and jetpacks, and marshmallows, and crossbow fights, and
music, and blowing up old cars with dynamite. Unfortunately, we have to slog through
this boring chapter before we can go have fun.
Edward leaves Bella's house because Jacob is coming over to pick up the scent of the evil
vampire. Before leaving, Edward leans in and breathes on Bella's hair and neck. It's
passionate, but the real reason he does this is that he wants Jacob to catch a whiff of
vampire stink on Bella. I'm surprised Edward doesn't pee on her as well. Do vampires
pee? We've already talked about this, haven't we? Eh, whatever. We're going to a
Werewolf Party!
Jacob arrives, surprising Bella in the kitchen with his stealthy moves. She had forgotten
that he moves like the wind. She describes how super-sexy he looks. He's wet and naked
except for a pair of cutoff jean shorts. His muscles glisten in the soft glow of the kitchen
light. His scruffy hair is just begging to be mussed. He stands before Bella like an animal,
his warm body…um…never mind. Anyway, Jacob is standing there. (And I'm straight.)
Jake notices Bella gawking at his half-naked body and says it's easier to carry around a
pair of shorts instead of a full ensemble while he's in wolf form. He points out the rope
around his leg, and says he uses it to carry his clothes while he's a wolf, because it's not
easy to carry denim in his mouth. (Preaching to the choir, my man. Preaching to the
choir.)
Jacob goes up to Bella's room to catch a whiff of the e-vamp, and quickly returns, scaring
Bella once again with his speed and stealth. He apologizes and offers to help her with the
dishes. He asks her what it's like to date a vamp, and she mockingly says, "It's the best." I
dig Bella's feisty side. I wish we saw it more often. You know what else I wish we saw
more often? Snowmobile chases.
Jacob pushes the issue, wanting to know if Bella is ever freaked out by the idea of dating
a monster. He asks if she's ever kisses Edward. She says she has, and Jacob asks, "You
don't worry about fangs?" She punches his arm playfully and reminds us all that vampires
don't have fangs. Anyway, what do you think I should wear to the werewolf party? I want
to look good, but not like I'm trying to look good. Plus, I don’t want to be the only one
there wearing a sweater if everyone else is going to be wearing T-shirts and capes. Do
you think I have time to squeeze in a haircut and grow a cool beard?
Jacob asks when, exactly, Bella will become a vampire, and she tells him it will be her
graduation present from the Cullens. He becomes lost in thought while washing a kitchen
knife, and accidentally slices his hand. Bella panics like a maniac for a few paragraphs as
she tries to wrap up his hand.
We all know that Bella doesn't like the sight of blood. (Maybe she'll starve to death when
she's a vampire.) But this scene is pointless. Werewolves have fast-healing abilities,
which Bella knows because she saw Jacob use the power after scuffling with Paul in the
last book. So why is she so worked up? It seems like she often forgets that Jacob is a
werewolf. She's always worried about him fighting Victoria, or getting a cut on his hand.
I'm surprised that every time she sees Jacob she doesn't scream, "Oh my god! You're so
tall and muscular. What the hell is up with that?"
If Bella was being attacked by a mountain lion, and Jacob was nearby, she'd probably
scream, "Run, Jacob! You and your mortal flesh are no match for this mountain lion.
Save yourself!" And then Jacob would wolf-out and swallow the mountain lion whole, as
Bella casually said, "Oh yeah. You can do that. I forgot. N'mind. Let's not kiss."
Jacob tries to calm down the hysterical Bella by showing her that the wound has already
healed. He then reminds her that he is a werewolf, and that she should have known about
the fast-healing power because of the Paul/Jacob smackdown. Oh crap! I'm going to meet
Paul at the party. I hope I don't make him angry. Maybe I should bake him a ham.
Wolves like ham, right? That wolf who blew down all those pig houses seemed to enjoy
pig meat. So ham it is.
Since Jacob is fine, Bella sets about cleaning up the floor. She doesn't want Edward to
come in and smell all the blood. This is another sign that she lives to serve her controlling
boyfriend. You know it's time to end things with your forever buddy if you catch yourself
saying:
"Oh, I need to clean up because Edward likes things tidy."

"Oh, I can't leave blood on the floor or Edward will get angry."
"Oh, I better not have friends, because Edward frowns upon friendship."
"Oh, I've wasted my teenage years worshipping at the feet of a manipulative lullaby
author, when I could have been out having fun."
Bella, Bella, Bella. I feel sorry for you. And when we're at the Werewolf Party, I'm
probably not going to hang out with you, because I'll be too busy launching fireworks
with Sam. I bet Sam has crazy-good fireworks, the illegal kind, the kind you can only get
in Mexico or sketchy parts of New Jersey.
As they clean, Jacob asks Bella how she feels about having a werewolf friend. She says
she loves it, but only when the werewolf is "being nice." Jacob then hugs Bella
vigorously. When he smells Edward's breath on her hair, he makes a disgusted sound. As
he gets ready to leave, he invites Bella to a party at La Push. Werewolf Party! I'm not
sure if I'll need it, but I'm going to bring a helmet. Who am I kidding? Of course I'll need
it! Werewolf Party!
Jacob says that if Bella comes to the party, she could meet Kim (who I assume is Jared's
imprint mate). He says Quil wants to see her because he's a bit upset that she found out
about werewolves before him. Uh-oh. There might be tension at the Werewolf Party.
That's OK. I won't notice because I'll be too busy playing Laser Tag with Embry. I'm sure
the werewolves have Laser Tag.
Bella says she's not sure about going to the party, because things are dangerous, and
because she's a moron. But Jacob says she'll be in the company of six rad-tacular
werewolves, so she'll be safe. She thinks it over and then says, "I'll ask." Looks like she
still needs to get Edward's authorization whenever she wants to have fun.
I hope Bella isn't allowed to come. She's just going to ruin things by acting sad, and when
I'm singing TV show theme songs on Paul's karaoke machine, and the moment comes
during the theme from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" when I point the microphone
towards the crowd and ask everyone to join in, she's going to kill my buzz and ruin my
flow with her sad, whiny face. And then she'll say, "Um. I don't know the words?" Shut
up Bella! Everyone knows the words.
As soon as Jacob is out the door, the awful Edward returns. He brings in Bella's mail and
shows her a big, fat envelope from Dartmouth, which he assumes is her acceptance letter.
Bella is taken aback; she told Edward that applying to Dartmouth was futile because she
couldn't afford the tuition even if she was accepted. But Edward wants to pay. She says
she won’t let him throw away money simply so she can pretend to go to college for one
year.
I'm confused. I assumed Bella was actually going to go to college, and that there she
would be transformed into a vampire, safely away from her dad. But now it sounds like
Bella is going to pretend to go college, while secretly becoming a vampire and doing
nothing else. Wait. Why am I worrying about this? We're going to a Werewolf Party next
week! I'm bringing a change of shoes, because you know something awesome/destructive
is going to happen to my shoes at some point.
Edward says that coming up with cover stories becomes easier after a few decades, when
everyone you know dies off. Bella flinches at the thought of watching her family die
before her eyes. I flinch at the thought of not being able to stay awake for the entire
Werewolf Party, because you know werewolf parties begin at fun o'clock and don't end
until question mark.
Bella changes the subject, asking Edward what Alice did with the clothes missing from
her room. What? Didn't we already figure out that the e-vamp stole the clothes? I thought
this part of the mystery was solved. Has Bella forgotten that her room was invaded by a
vampire? I guess so.
Edward is shocked by the news that Bella's clothes are missing. He tells her that the
vampire must have wanted her scent. (Or Mike Newton needed a costume for the life-
sized Bella doll he made out of animal skulls.) Then Eddie's phone rings. It's not Emmett.
It's Carlisle. He tells Edward some news, and Edward tells him about Bella's missing
clothes. After hanging up, Edward looks for the newspaper and finds the article that
Carlisle must have told him about over the phone. The Seattle killer is adding to his list of
victims, and the haphazard behavior of this newborn vampire worries Edward.
He thinks this vampire is unaware of the Volturi code of conduct. The Volturi don't mind
if vampires kill innocent people, but they ask that the vampires do so secretively, so as
not to reveal themselves to the world. The newborn vampire is drawing too much
attention, and if s/he keeps it up, the Volturi will come to Seattle and handle the situation.
I hope Marcus (tee-hee) comes to America. (I want to ask him if this girl I had a crush on
in the third grade liked me back.)
If the Volturi come to Seattle, it makes sense that they would swing past Forks and check
up on Bella's vampire status. Edward tells Bella that Alice is keeping a close eye on the
Seattle situation. (So does that mean she's not watching over Bella any more?) The
Cullens don’t want to confront the newborn vampire until it's "absolutely necessary."
Put another way: The Cullens don’t give a rat's ass if innocent people are being killed in
Seattle, unless Bella's safety is in jeopardy. Way to go, Cullens. We humans salute thee.
You are the real heroes. (Sarcasm hand raised.)
Edward says Jasper will be able to help, since he is somehow a newborn vampire expert.
Jasper may convert, or at least calm down, this newborn. Bella wants to know why Jasper
is an expert, but Edward simply says it's a long story. (And I'm guessing we're in for a
dreary, chapter-length tale about Jasper's tragic life, a tale that will involve the death of
loved ones and the loss of [dramatic pause]…innocence.)
Edward says, "You have something you want to ask me?" He knows that Jacob invited
Bella to a Werewolf Party, and seems to enjoy making her nervously beg for permission.
He holds her chin (another sign of an ugly, abusive relationship) and says, "Would you
like to go?"
She answers with a pathetic, "It's no big thing. Don't worry about it." No big thing? It's a
Werewolf Party! It's the biggest, best thing in the world next to eating pancakes on a
rollercoaster while listening to an unreleased Beatles double album and sitting beside
Amy Adams!
Edward then says, "You don't have to ask my permission, Bella. I'm not your father." Ha!
I bet $500 bajillion dollars that if Bella didn't ask permission and then went to the party,
Ed would flip out, kidnap (and murder) all of her family members, and then burn down
the forest trying to find her.
Bella wants to go to the party (naturally) and Edward says she can go, but only if he
drives her himself, and she takes a cell phone with her. That sounds a bit father-ish to me.
But who cares? Do you think there will be a big catapult at the Werewolf Party? That's a
silly question. Let me rephrase. How many big catapults will there be at the Werewolf
Party?
Bella calls Jake, who is thrilled that she is coming to the party. She decides to take her
motorcycle back to La Push, "where it belonged." She has Edward take her to the Cullen
house, where she parked the bike. In the garage, she notices a large, expensive new
motorcycle sitting next to her beat-up, smaller motorcycle. Edward reluctantly says he
bought the motorcycle for himself. He knows that she loved riding motorcycles with
Jacob, and hoped that she would ride with him too. Awww…how desperate and clingy.
But the sight of the big, shiny motorcycle next to her crummy, smaller bike upsets Bella.
It reminds her of what it must look like when she stands next to Edward. He is so great.
She is so not-great. We've been over this a billion times now.
Bella doesn't like the idea of riding motorcycles with Edward. She doesn't think she can
keep up with his high-performance machine. This is symbolic of her relationships and
friendships, and blah blah blah. Edward reads between the lines and sighs, "This is
something you do with Jacob. I see that now." Poor Edward got shot down. Boo-hoo. He
might also want to reconsider buying that fancy crystal outdoor spaghetti plate. Because
eating outdoor spaghetti is a Jacob-Only activity. You don't see Jacob rushing out to the
office supply store to buy lullaby paper, do you?
Edward gives Bella a new red helmet and a riding jacket to keep her safe. She tries them
on and thinks she looks "hideous," but Edward says she looks sexy in her new gear. I
believe this is the first time some form of the word "sex" has been used in this series.
How scandalous. He can't kiss her with the helmet on, so that comes right off and they
smooch.
Edward drives her to La Push with the motorcycle in the back of the car. They reach the
werewolf territory and see Jacob leaning against his Volkswagen. Ed says goodbye, but
Bella notices a look of worry or panic in his eyes.
Jacob is happy to see Bella bringing her bike back to La Push. He hugs her, and Edward
drives away. Jacob and Bella then head to the Werewolf Party, where there will be fire,
and canons, and trucks flying off ramps, and shark tanks, and free rhino rides, and
Emmett, and Weezer, and giant water slides, and delicious cakes, and trampoline
basketball courts, and pirate ships, and rockets…

Prediction:
The Werewolf Party will be disappointing.
Chapter Eleven:
Legends
Better Title: The
Legend of Smart Air
There are no fireworks

at the Werewolf Party.
No trucks launching off
ramps. No cakes. No
dynamite. No rockets.
There are no sword
fighting tournaments, or
chainsaw duels. No one
soared in a hot air
balloon, jetpack, or
stealth helicopter. There
may have been a game of kickball, but it was not mentioned, and it's not likely that the
game was played with a ball made of fire and spikes. There were no rhinoceroses, not
even a baby one. If Weezer was rocking out live on stage, Stephenie Meyers failed to tell
us. All in all, the Werewolf Party was rather bland. I've been to banks that were more
intense.
I started to suspect that the werewolf party would fail to meet my expectations when the
chapter began with Paul and Jacob fighting over a hot dog instead of arguing over who
got to drive the hover-truck next.
Jacob lets Paul eat the last hot dog, and Bella finds herself at ease with the group of
werewolves. Other party guests include Emily, Billy, Sue Clearwater, Old Quil (which is
what I call expired cough medicine), and some kids whose names I forget. Sam's former
girlfriend Leah is there too, along with Jared's imprint-buddy Kim. I guess Quil's two-
year-old girlfriend couldn't make it because she was busy learning her shapes. Or maybe
she's in timeout for getting chocolate on mommy's piano.
Bella notices that it's getting late, and says she better get going. But Jacob stops her,
saying, "The best part is coming." At first, I thought this meant someone would bring out
the go-karts and Jenga and everyone would play Go-Kart Jenga (I don't really know how
one would play Go-Kart Jenga, but I'm dying to find out.) Instead, Billy and Old Quil tell
stories for the next 25 pages. During story time, Emily takes detailed notes, which I find
odd since werewolf culture is super-secret. I guess they're going to kill Emily later. Poor
Emily.
The first story goes something like this:
A long time ago, the Quileute tribe could enter the spirit world, leaving their bodies
behind for short periods of time. While in spirit form, they could control the wind,
communicate with animals, and…well, that's about all they could do. People who entered
the spirit world were called Spirit Warriors. I call them Smart Air, or Smair for short.
And now every time a breeze rushes past me, I say, "Hello Smair."
So one day the Quileute guys were being pushed around by a larger tribe. Instead of
running away, the Quileute leader named Kaheleha had his army of young dudes
transform into a Smair and chat with the nearby wolves and bats, telling the animals to
attack and murder the evil invaders. Billy says, "The dogs and bats won." Being killed by
dogs and bats is a harsh way to go. I believe that's how James Dean died. So sad.
After the wolf/bat attack, the other neighboring tribes feared the Quileute and no one
tried to take over the Quileute land again. With me so far? If you need a snack, go get one
now. There are more stories to tell. (And none of them involve robots, FYI.)
OK, so the Quileute guys could become Smart Air, and talk to animals and blow on
things. Everything was peachy. As the years passed a new chief took over. His name was
Taha Aki, which sounds like a flamboyant man calling something "tacky." Mr. Aki was
wise and great and everyone thought he was super cool. Everyone except Utlapa.
Utlapa was a strong spirit warrior, which means, I guess, that when he became Smart Air
he could blow really, really hard and talk with animals, really, really well. Utlapa thought
the Quileute should use their Smart Air abilities to invade nearby lands. Hmm…someone
becoming greedy with power. I wonder how this will end.
When the men were in Smart Air form, they could read each others' minds (Duh. This is
Twilight, and everyone that isn't human in Twilight can read minds, even the air.). So
when the guys were chilling out as Smart Air, blowing down houses and gabbing with
squirrels, they saw that Utlapa was thinking of using his power for evil. The tribe tossed
Utlapa out of the group and forbade him from using his Smart Air power.
One day, the chief went out on his usual trip to make sure the tribe was safe. On these
trips he would go to a secret place, leave his physical body, and then watch over the tribe
as Smart Air. Utlapa spotted Chief Taha Aki and followed him to the secret spot. When
Chief Aki became Smart Air and left his body, Utlapa transformed into a Smart Air and
jumped into Chief Aki's body. Then he killed his original body so that Smart Air Aki
couldn't use it. With me?
So Utlapa was now inside the body of Chief Aki, and the real Chief Aki was stuck as
Smart Air. Utlapa used this disguise to trick the members of the tribe. Everyone assumed
he was the real Chief, and followed his new rules and regulations. Utlapa used his power
for evil. He was ruthless. He was a tyrant. He was vicious!
He took many wives…and…well, that's about the extent of Utlapa's reign of terror. Not
exactly the world's most infamous dictator, was he? The villainous Utlapa could have at
least started a war or two. Or maybe ordered slaves to build a temple in his honor. Doing
anything evil would have been better than simply acting like Tiger Woods. (Second Tiger
Woods joke in these blogs. One more and it's a hat trick!)
Meanwhile, the real Chief Aki was stuck in the spirit world, with no way to communicate
with his people and tell them the truth. This doesn’t make sense. The dude can talk to
animals when he's Smart Air. It's one of two special powers (along with blowing). People
are animals with better haircuts. So why couldn't Aki talk to the members of his tribe?
Unless…THE QUILEUTE ARE ROBOTS?! No, that would be too awesome. The real
reason why he couldn't communicate with humans is…I dunno…let's chalk it up to a
prophecy and move on. Cool?
Smart Air Aki moped around the spirit world. A wolf noticed and followed him. And
then, the brilliant Smart Air Aki came up with a great plan. He told the wolf, "Hey, shove
over. I'm going to posses your body. Make some room in there." (I'm paraphrasing here.)
The wolf didn't seem to mind, and Aki crammed his Smart Air form into the wolf
somehow. If I'm going to share the body with an animal, I'd chose one that could use
tools, such as monkey, or one that could talk, like a parrot, or a talking falcon.
But Aki chose to posses a wolf. The wolf walked to the village and howled the songs of
the tribe. The men realized something was up, and one member of the tribe disobeyed
Utlapa's order and entered the spirit world to figure out what was going on. The evil
Utlapa came out of his hut and saw that one of the men had turned into Smart Air, so he
sliced the throat of the guy who was in the spirit world, thus making sure the secret was
kept safe. The wolf (who had Mr. Aki's Smart Air inside it) saw all of this and became so
angry and frustrated that it transformed into a man.
Helpful Hint: If you are being attacked by a wolf, piss it off. There could be Smart Air
trapped inside the wolf, and if you upset the wolf enough, it may turn into a man, and
then you could talk or tickle your way out of trouble.
The other men of the tribe recognized that this man/wolf was their true chief, and that
Utlapa had deceived them. Utlapa ran for it, but the wolfman had super strength and
killed Utlapa before he got away. Then the werewolf version of Chief Aki became the
tribe's leader. No one attempted to become Smart Air ever again, because it was too
dangerous.
Years passed, and Chief Aki had many sons. When these boys became old enough, they
also had the ability to transform into wolves. And that's the origin of the werewolves.
Bella realizes that the werewolves are all descendants of Chief Aki. According to Billy,
some of Aki's sons didn't like being werewolves (morons), and remained in their human
form. If a werewolf remained human, he aged normally. But those who changed back and
forth between wolf and human stopped aging. Aki was a werewolf and remained the
same age for decades, outliving his first and second wife. His third wife was his imprint
buddy. He fell for her hard, and decided to stop becoming a wolf so that he would age
along with her.
And with that Billy shuts up. And Old Quil begins his story. Let's take a break here. Go
to the bathroom if you need to. I'll wait.
Just kidding, I'm totally not waiting! Ha! (Sorry, but the sooner I get this finished, the
sooner I will get to Breaking Dawn, where I'm told everything becomes ridiculous. Can't
wait!)
Old Quil's story is also about Chief Aki. Years after Aki gave up werewolfing, trouble
sprouted in the north. Young women from the Makah tribe were being abducted. The
Makah blamed the Quileute, because the Quileute had the supernatural power needed to
abduct young women. Hmm…who else loves to creep around innocent young women?
Since Mike Newton wasn't born yet, I'll say it's the work of passionate, icky vampires.
And I'm right!
But before everyone realized this, Aki sent his werewolf sons to investigate. The vampire
killed the werewolves, and left no witnesses. More young women went missing. And
once again the werewolves went hunting for the culprit. Of those that went on the hunt,
only one badass, amazing werewolf returned. His name is Yaha Uta, but let's just call him
Emmett Black.
Emmett Black and his brothers found the vampire drinking the blood of the young
women. When the vampire noticed the wolves, a battle ensued. The first wolves to attack
were quickly killed by this vampire, whose name was probably Francesco or Giovanni or
Ludwig.
But Emmett Black was smart. He and his brother attacked strategically instead of just
charging ahead. EB's brother was killed, but when the vampire was busy murdering his
sibling, Emmett Black chomped down on the vamp's neck, and as Old Quil put it, "ripped
the creature into unrecognizable chunks, tearing pieces apart in a desperate attempt to
save his brother."
It's been a while, but I finally found a reason to fist-bump the book again, and not out of
frustration or as a way to keep me awake. We haven't seen any werewolf action since the
wolves saved Bella from Laurent. And this scene is better because it includes the words
"ripped," "chunks," and "tearing."
The good news was that the vampire was killed. The bad news was that Emmett Black
was the last werewolf left in the tribe. The lone warrior who had to defend his people
from evil. He was their only hope. He was their armor. He was their shield. He was…
Emmett "The Hell Hound" Black [CUE SOUND OF THUNDER MIXED WITH A SAD
RAIN].
But the dead vampire had a forever buddy, of course. This female vampire, probably
named Genevieve or Guinevere or Belladonna, wanted revenge for the death of her lover.
Is seeking revenge the only thing evil female vampires do in this book?
This vampire invaded the village and asked a question in a voice that no one could
understand (perhaps she had a difficult-to-decipher Scottish accent). The Quileute didn't
know how to answer, and the vampire-lady became angry and started killing. Chief Aki
came running as his son Emmett Black transformed into a wolf to protect the people.
Some of the tribe members ran for their boats, but the vampire swam after them like a
shark and killed them.
When she saw the wolf on the shore, she swam towards it. When she was face to fur with
Emmett Black, she asked her "incomprehensible question" once again. I wonder what
she's asking? Perhaps she wanted to know:
Do you think I'm pretty?
What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
If everyone exhaled at the exact same time, would it create a breeze?
Want to see how high I can jump?
What's up with Alice's powers?
Emmett Black didn't answer the mysterious question, because Emmett Black doesn't
answer…he acts.
The vampire and the werewolf fought. But Emmett Black died. Poor, poor Emmett
Black. Chief Aki, who I thought had sworn off werewolfing, became furious and
transformed into an old, white werewolf and attacked the vampire.
Aki's wife saw all of this, and knew that she must create a distraction if her husband was
going to have a chance at killing the vampire. She wanted to get the vampire's attention,
and was willing to sacrifice herself if it meant her tribe would be safe. So Aki's wife, who
apparently was also an idiot, took a knife and stabbed herself in the heart.
It worked. The hungry vampire turned towards the dying, bleeding woman, and Chief
Aki took his chance and bit the vampire's neck. Of course, Aki's wife could have simply
given herself a paper cut and gotten the same response from the vampire. Or, if she
needed more blood, why not lop off a pinky or two? Or she could have flapped her arms
and screamed, "Boogey woogey woogey."
You didn't need to stab your own heart, you dolt. How does this make sense? I will give a
cyber-high-five to anyone who can explain to me the logic behind Mrs. Aki's sacrifice.
Anyway, the vampire dies, Mrs. Aki dies, the people are safe, and the widowed Chief Aki
leaves the tribe because he's all sad and junk.
The younger sons of Aki became werewolves and looked after the tribe. Every once in
long while a vampire would pop up, and the werewolves would attack. They learned how
to fight and how to be better vampire hunters. As time passed, the werewolf gene would
only be activated if a vampire was near.
And then Carlisle and his clan of fools showed up. (In my head they came to town on a
goofy bicycle-built-for-six, while Emmet rode a black stallion while wearing a badass
cowboy hat and carrying an ax.) Jacob's great-grandfather was the leader of the tribe at
this point, and was going to kill the Cullens. But Carlisle reasoned with the werewolves
and the treaty was made.
With story time over, Bella tries to make sense of everything. She thinks back to Aki's
third wife, the idiot who killed herself for no reason. In Bella's mind, this human was the
real hero of the story, and Bella wishes someone had remembered her name. (It's
probably Helen. A lot of people were named Helen way back when.) Bella feels a real
connection with this woman, because they are both dimwitted, over-passionate mortals
who lack any common sense.
Bella falls asleep and wakes up in Jacob's car. This is rather odd, don't you think? Maybe
the werewolf guys had some beer at the party and Bella had too much to drink, or maybe
this chapter bored Bella so much that she passed out.
Jacob is a nice guy about the situation. He calls Edward to tell him that Bella is on her
way home. At the edge of the werewolf territory, Edward is waiting to pick Bella up. She
rushes into his arms, and he drives her home.
Bella drifts off to sleep and has another dream. I'm sure it was very symbolic and crap,
but I didn't pay attention. This chapter is already too long, and I can't wait to get to
Breaking Dawn. By the way, who is Dawn? Please tell me it's Edward's new nickname. I
can't wait to see him breaking.
Glowers: 1 (Book total 10)

Murmurs: 2 (Book total 33)
Prediction:
The next day Bella and Edward talk about werewolves.
BELLA: And then Billy told us about super intelligent wind that this one dog ate, and
that's how werewolves were born.
EDWARD: I hate werewolves.
BELLA: I know you do. But why?
EDWARD: Because…
BELLA: Because why? I understand why the werewolves hate vampires. Those evil
vampires ate up most of their people. But why do vampires hate werewolves?
EDWARD: They smell bad.
BELLA: You hate them because they smell bad?
EDWARD: And sometimes they hurt girls named Emily. That ain't cool, man.
BELLA: Agreed. But that was an accident. Your race of monsters massacred the
Quileute people…
EDWARD: Yeah…well…Werewolves are always like, "Blah, blah, blah…I'm so warm.
I eat lots of food. I wear short pants in winter." I hate that.
BELLA: But that's hardly reason enough to despise them. I really think you're being
childish.
EDWARD: Nu-uh!
BELLA: But you don’t have any real reason to hate werewolves.
EDWARD: Uh-huh. Werewolves once at a thousand babies.
BELLA: Edward? Are you making things up?
EDWARD: No. And this other time, I saw the werewolves peeing on poor people. It was
before you came here.
BELLA: Maybe I'll just ask Carlisle about that, and see what -
EDWARD: No, you can't! Carlisle wasn't there. He was at…the market.
BELLA: Uh-huh. Then I'll ask Esme. She can tell me if—
EDWARD: But Esme wasn't there either. It was just me, and my one friend who you
don't know. His name is Louis. He lives in Mexico. You can't call him because he doesn't
have a phone because the werewolves stole it to buy drugs and then gave the drugs to
kids to get the kids hooked on drugs.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: Wanna smell me?
BELLA: [SQUEALS WITH DELIGHT]
Chapter Twelve: Time
Better Title: If You
Marry a Vampire in
High School, You Might
be a Redneck
After blogging Chapter

Eleven, I was exhausted
and on the verge of
giving up. But I'm not a
quitter. I may be lazy,
tiny-wristed, stubborn,
loud, tall, roguishly
handsome, and
sometimes thirsty. But
I'm not a quitter. So I
shall push on. For the sake of motivation, after I complete each blog, I will reward myself
with ten minutes of free time and a bowl of celebratory ice cream soup (recipe: Slowly
mash regular ice cream into a thick paste. Eat.)
This chapter starts with Alice and Edward teasing Bella. The Cullens are going to throw
her a graduation party, and she isn't thrilled with the idea. Bella's idea of fun is sitting in
the dark, toying with Jacob's emotions, or making lasagna for her dad. Going to parties
isn't her cup of tea. But the Cullens are forcing her to have a party, because the Cullens
love to manipulate and enslave their pet Bella.
Alice thanks Bella for the lovely graduation gift, which is odd since Bella hasn't bought
Alice anything yet. Oh, wait—Alice used her powers to see the future and saw what Bella
is getting her. Ho-ho! Alice is so playful and cute. (I'm rolling my eyes with annoyance…
and trying to wiggle my ears with annoyance as well.) Hey Alice, can you see the present
I'm going to give you? No, it's not my ring finger. But you're very close.
Bella thinks graduation is a month or more away. Alice points to a poster in the school
hallway, and Bella is shocked to learn that graduation is in two weeks. I know Bella has
had many wild adventures the past year, from going to Italy, to…um…that's about it.
Anyway, Bella lost track of time somehow.
She is scared because after she graduates, Carlisle will turn her into a vampire. And she
isn't sure if she's ready for the big change. Wha-wha-wha-WHAT?
For the past two and half books, all Belly did was whine about being human, and whine
that no one will transform her into a vampire, and whine that everyone is better than her.
And now she's not sure she wants to be a vampire?
I can relate. When I was little, I really wanted a Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine. It was this
toy that would crush ice cubes and dump the resulting ice chunks into a paper cup. You
would then add flavored syrup to the ice and enjoy. I begged for it like a maniac. Finally
my parents said I was going to get one for Christmas. But on Christmas morning, I cried
in my bed because I knew I wasn't ready to make Sno-Cones. I couldn't handle the
pressure, the responsibility, the lifestyle change. It was all too much. So Bella, I feel your
pain. (Sarcasm hand raised.)
Of course I didn't cry! You know what I did that Christmas? I ran downstairs before
anyone else was awake, tore open the Snoopy Sno-Cone Maker, and gorged myself on
homemade snow cones and melted ice cube water for hours. It was bliss!
Argh! I hate you, Bella Swan! I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.
I hate your stupid mood swings. I hate that you think Edward is neat. I hate that you can't
see how rad Jacob is. I hate that one moment you're the smartest girl in all the land, and
the next moment you can't remember what month it is. I hate that you're mature enough
to take care of your parents, but so immature that you think it's flipping awesome when
someone kidnaps you.
I hate that you want to throw away your education, your future, your entire life just for
the sake of some good-looking smelly monster. I hate your thoughts. I hate your
dependence on others. I hate that you never scream and yell at Edward for treating you
like a hamster. I hate that you left the Volturi Victims to die, and have never mentioned
them or lost sleep over it since. I hate your shoes, because they're probably stupid. I hate
the way you probably add an extra syllable to the word "theater." I hate you so much it
hurts my hair. Agh!
And now, after saying something negative, most therapists agree it's important to say
something positive. So Bella, I like your truck very much. And I bet your lasagna doesn't
taste bad. We cool?
Anyway, Bella isn't sure she's prepared to become a vampire. She doesn't know how she
will leave her dad, tell her mom goodbye, and ditch Jacob. Entering this new life terrifies
her, but on the other hand, she doesn't have much of a choice. If she stays human,
Victoria (who I cannot believe hasn't been killed yet), the Volturi, or the Seattle vampire
will probably murder her. Plus, as a human, Bella is getting older, and she can't stand the
idea of getting older.
So silly Bella sits and stares off into space as she thinks about the situation. Finally,
Edward snaps her out of it, and she tells him she's scared of becoming a vampire. He says
that's a clear sign that she's not ready. Wait. Are we talking about becoming a vampire, or
are we talking about having s-e-x for the first time? Ohmygosh! Did you guys realize that
becoming a vampire is kind of, sort of, a metaphor for losing one's virginity? Wow…this
is deep, and will help flesh out my doctoral thesis entitled, Vampires Are All Symbolic
and Crap.
Edward is confident that the Cullens will handle any threat against Bella, so she shouldn't
feel pressured into becoming a vampire just because she's worried about being attacked.
In fact, he wants Bella to wait until all this mess with the bad vamps has blown over.
(Which, judging by the pace of these books, won't happen until Twilight Volume 23:
Lazy Mid-Afternoon.)
Bella feels more at ease knowing her transformation may be postponed. She asks if
Edward knows about Alice's vision concerning the gift Bella will be giving her. Edward
says in the vision, Bella bought Edward and Alice concert tickets. Though it's not
revealed what concert they will be attending, I think it's safe to assume the only music
these vampires enjoy is either harpsichord tunes or some non-threatening pop band such
as Mandy Moore or The Wiggles. (Though I suspect Emmett listens to classic rock,
hardcore metal, and Justin Timberlake. What? JT has some good songs. Stop looking at
me like that. And no, you cannot see what's on my iPod. Forget I brought this up, OK?)
She then asks a more serious question: Why doesn't Edward want her to become a
vampire? He gives an explanation, and I don't really pay attention. His reason probably
has something to do with desire or innocence. It has nothing to do with robots, because I
would have noticed that.
Edward then asks Bella why she won't marry him. In her mind, getting married at the age
of 18 is what white trash, dumb girls do. Whoa! Nice stereotyping, Bella. I'm surprised
she didn't add, "On, and by the way, I think all Irish people drink too much, and every
Asian is good at math."
Bella goes on about how she never wanted to be "that girl," the one who gets married
right after high school. She says in the modern world, only immature, stupid rednecks are
married at the age of 18 (paraphrasing), and she doesn't want society to look down on
her. Um…yeah. If society is going to look down on you, Bella, it won't be because you
were a teen bride. It will be because you now belong to a race of monsters responsible for
countless murders of innocent people.
I love the idea of a redneck Bella and Edward living in a trailer and fighting over money.
BELLA: Edward, you get a job today?

EDWARD: I can't get no job with my back. You know that! Where's my bear blood, I'm
starving.
BELLA: We out of bear blood. Gonna have squirrel blood for dinner. Put a shirt on!
EDWARD: I wish I married Angela...
And then someone would wrestle something.
Edward doesn't understand Bella's reasoning, and I see his point. He brings up the same
argument I made a few blogs ago, that if Bella is willing to spend eternity with him, what
difference does it make to marry him too? Besides, everyone she knows will be dead and
buried soon. She shouldn't care what they think. If Edward and Bella get married, they
can spend the rest of existence walking through magical meadows, playing loud baseball,
and finally touching more than just faces.
He says that if they both were human, and 18, he would still ask Bella to marry him right
away. Hmm. It seems that Stephenie Meyer is promoting teen weddings. That's a bit odd.
I've received messages and comments from readers who point out the Stephenie Meyer is
a Mormon and that she is pushing her religious views throughout the book. Frankly, I
don't see it. If there is any religious subtext, it's so vague that you could argue the book is
about any (or every) religion, from Christianity to Buddhism.
And even if Ms. Meyer was trying to preach the word of Mormon, it wouldn't bug me,
just as it wouldn't bug me if the book was about Islam or Judaism or Atheism. To each
his own. This isn't the time or place to debate religion. (The time is 10:45 a.m., the place
is the bowling alley. Be there!)
What I find troublesome is that Ms. Meyer is telling her readers, most of whom are young
women, that marrying young is fun and great and the only way to true happiness. It's
what Edward wants to do. And it's what Bella wants to do too, if only society didn’t
frown on it. Of course, I think these two should get married right away because I'm tired
of hearing about it. But in reality, it's probably a bad idea.
While there are many loving couples who married young, I would encourage everyone to
get a little life experience under their belts before saying, "I do." Call me unromantic.
Call me too pragmatic. Call me Danny Coldheart or Lt. LaserMind, but I think people
who wait a bit before marriage will have a better chance of staying together. (And I
would very much enjoy being called that last name, BTW.)
The next morning, Bella wakes up and looks through the paper to see if the concert
tickets are still on sale. She notices a story about the Seattle murders, and the chapter
includes an excerpt of the article.
The gist is that the serial killer is killing more people. I'm not sure why we needed to read
the entire article to figure this out. Stephenie Meyer could have saved us all some time by
having Bella tell us:
I glowered at the newspaper intensely with my intense eyes. My desire to passionately

read the inky black words was overpowering. I felt a tugging on my aching heart as I
peered down at the dry, non-wet paper. I was shocked by the shocking article which
stated that the killer in Seattle was adding more victims to his devious list of unfortunate
victims. My eyes danced across the page like two tiny dancers, as the news entered my
brain like a train entering a brain-thing. "Uh-oh," I murmured.
Instead, a page and half of the chapter is devoted to this article. A page and a half that
could have been used to show us Emmett doing cool things with a slingshot and snakes.
As Bella is finishing the article, Edward walks into her house. She shows him the
newspaper, and he frowns. He doesn't like how things are progressing in Seattle, and tells
Bella that Alice's powers aren't being much help. No way! That's weird, huh?
The Cullens were waiting for Alice to see what will happen with this newborn vampire,
before they head to the city. But the psychic Alice, the one who is responsible for keeping
Bella safe, is having trouble seeing visions of Seattle. How bloody convenient. I hate
Alice. She is as reliable as an indoor sundial. She is the fool who sees nothing. She is the
worthless secondary character who only exists to shove the story forward. She is Alice
"The Plot Device" Cullen! [CUE THE SOUND OF A SLIDE WHISTLE]
With Alice's powers in question, Edward thinks the Cullens will need to go to Seattle and
handle the situation "blind." Then, for reasons I cannot explain, he asks Bella to skip
school today. His explanation for the truancy? "I want to talk to Jasper."
What the hell? Doesn’t Jasper go to school too? Can't you pass him a note in Chemistry?
Or why not talk to him after school? And why does Bella need to come along? Things
seems to be getting worse in Seattle, but the Cullens never cared about all the innocent
people dying up there. So why not wait a few hours and let Bella get an education?
But Edward needs Bella to skip school, so she skips. They go to the Cullen house, where
everyone is hanging out. Even Emmett! Hi Emmett!
Edward shows Carlisle the newspaper, and Dr. C is worried. Emmett suggest they go to
Seattle right away. His reason: "I'm dead bored." Emmett, you're so cool! Can I be your
Facebook friend? We can Farmville together…whatever that is.
The Cullens talk about what to do with the Seattle situation. Esme is clearly upset, and
says, "And all those innocent humans in Seattle. It's not right to let them die this way."
You're right, Esme. It's not cool to let your beloved humans become vampire cocktails.
You should put a stop to it, and then—I don't know—maybe fly to Italy and save the
humans that will be killed by the Volturi vampires. Remember those guys? The innocent
citizens and tourists of Volterra who are killed daily, one of whom was probably a lovely
middle-aged man who dressed as Santa every year and gave presents out to the less
fortunate? Yeah, maybe you could save some of those folks, too. What do you say?
Maybe? Just kidding. You can go ahead and ignore the genocide in Italy, as you play
loud baseball and…Wait. Does Esme do anything else? Esme, you're going on my list. (I
don't know what this means, but I like the sound of it.)
Since this is Twilight, no one can do anything unless someone tells a damn story. So
instead of saving lives, everyone gathers 'round, as Ol' Jasper tells us all a spooky tale.
For some reason, it's very important that Bella understands newborn vampires. I'm not
sure why. Is Bella going to fight this Seattle vampire herself? Why would they even take
Bella to Seattle? Why do anything with Bella right now? Just go to Seattle, kill this new
vampire, and come back. Bella doesn't need to be involved. I hate the overdramatic
Cullens.
You never hear Superman tell Lois Lane, "OK. I’m going to stop the bank robber. But
before I do, it's important that you understand how banking works. See, the costumer will
deposit money into an account…"
Before Jasper starts his story, he shows Bella a scar on his wrists, similar to the scar on
Bella's wrist. It's clear that he was bitten by a vampire. At first Bella thinks it's cool that
she has a scar-buddy. But then Jasper reveals more of his body, and Bella sees more and
more bite marks. His arm is littered with scars. Something tells me the Jasper story isn't
going to be happy…nor will it feature robots.
Glowers: 0 (Book total 10 )

Prediction:
Jasper tells Bella his origin story.
JASPER: Once upon a time, in a lawless town, there was a—

BELLA: Um, I'm sorry. Why are you telling me this?
JASPER: It's my origin story.
BELLA: I understand. But is this really the right time?
JASPER: You don't want to hear my origin story? It's pretty good…
BELLA: I'm sure it's great. But people are dying in Seattle. The longer we sit here, the
worse things will become, right?
JASPER: But…but it's my turn to tell a story.
BELLA: Plus, don't you guys want to find out who was snooping around my dirty
clothes? Did y'all forget about that?
EDWARD: Jasper wants to tell you his story. He's been practicing all morning.
JASPER: I even wrote it out on note cards…
ESME: He made a visual aid, too. Didn't you Jasper?
JASPER: (SHEEPISHLY) No, it's OK. Bella doesn't want to see it.
EMSE: No, show her your chart.
JASPER: Mom! Stop it! Don't make me. Bella doesn’t care. (HIDES HIS TEARS)
BELLA: Jasper, I would love to see your visual aid and listen to your speech. Honest.
But I think there are more pressing issues.
EMMETT: (TO HIMSELF) I should make a pair of stilts that are also swords. Then I
could kick and stab at the same time.
JASPER: Everyone else got to tell a story. Rose even told her a story, and Rose hates
Bella. And mom told Bella about her dead baby. And Alice gets to have sleepovers with
Bella. And…it's not fair! (WEEPS UNCONTROLLABLY)
CARLISLE: I know, son. I know. Maybe you can tell us on the way to Seattle.
JASPER: (SNIFFS) Re…Really? Can I bring the chart, too?
CARLISLE: Of course you can.
JASPER: And does Emmett have to listen and be quiet?
ESME: Yes, he does.
EMMETT: (UNDER HIS BREATH) Crybaby. I'm gonna kick-stab the crap out of you
with my stilt-swords.
BELLA: Isn't going to Seattle putting me in great danger?
CULLENS IN UNISON: Shut up, Bella, and get in your damn cage!
BELLA: Yay!
Chapter Thirteen:
Newborn
Better Title:
Wasted Paper
This chapter is
reminiscent of the
scene in The
Empire Strikes
Back in which Han
Solo pulls the
Millennium Falcon
over and says, "All
right. Now we're
going to meet
Lando. But before
we go, I need to tell
you about all the wild adventures he and I had. This may take a while, so get comfy."
You remember that part, right? No? Of course you don't. It wasn't in the movie. Do you
know why? Because there was no need for Han Solo to explain his life story. We
understood that Mr. Solo had been through some crazy escapades. And just as we didn't
need to hear Solo's story, we don't need to read Jasper's origin. But since I'm snowed in,
and my jigsaw puzzle is being a jerk, I might as well continue reading.
The chapter begins with Jasper showing off his scars and explaining to Bella that vampire
venom is the only thing that can scar a vampire. (Werewolves don't leave scars. They
leave corpses. Booya!) As Jasper begins his story, Carlisle, Emmett, and the others ignore
him and "[turn] their attention to the TV again." How rude! I understand if Emmett
doesn't want to listen to Jasper, but Carlisle needs to show a little interest in his adoptive
son or else Jasper will grow up with father issues and spend years in therapy telling his
therapist, "Daddy wouldn't listen. And Mommy liked Emmett best."
Still, I don't blame Dr. C for being bored. Even Jasper's back story has a back story.
Before he gets to the part about his scars, Jazzy prattles on about vampire culture. He
explains that for centuries, the South was a wild land of vampire fights. The vamps were
never organized or well-trained or strategic. They simply fought like animals over
territory. (So far, it sounds like a cool story. Maybe I should give Jasper a chance.)
All of this changed when a vampire named Benito (no, really. That's his name.) arrived in
Texas. Benito took over by creating an army of newborn vampires, and forcing the
newborns do his dirty work. He was the first vampire to make an army and…screw this.
Enough with these back stories. I don't care about Benito, or Chief Tah Aki, or that rich
guy who was mean to Rosalie. I want the story of Bella, Edward, and Jacob to go
somewhere. Anywhere. Even if it means this entire series of books ends with the three of
them entering a dance tournament to save a whale—at least that would feel like a real
story, with a plot.
In any story, an author will need to somehow bring the reader up to speed. But stopping
every other chapter just to have one character give a 20-page speech is aggravating
(boring, too). I assume the next chapter will move the story forward, but in the chapter
after that, Angela will show up, and for no reason at all, begin to tell Bella about the one
time she visited her grandma in Ohio.
All you need to know is that newborn vampires are insane, and strong. Their super-duper
strength only lasts for one year. I don't know why. I don't care. And I'm not even sure if I
read this part correctly. But that's the gist of this entire chapter. So much wasted paper
and precious ink was used to print chapter 13. It's a real shame.
Anyway, Benito's army inspired other vampires to make newborn armies. Soon Texas
and Mexico were overrun with newborn vampires. The Volturi didn't like this. The
humans were beginning to notice. So the Volturi came to America and killed all the
vampires. (Though I'm not sure how, since it was my understanding that there are only,
like, six Volturi vampires. Maybe the Volturi have interns, or missiles.)
Jasper is thankful that the Volturi handled the situation, because if they hadn't, the world
would be overrun with vampires. And then there would be far too many lullabies in the
world, and the over-saturated lullaby market would crumble. Once the lullaby industry
dies, the global economy soon follows. It's too grim to think about. So yeah, the Volturi
did the right thing.
Naturally, after the Volturi left, more vampires moved down South where the hunting
was good. At the time, Jasper was a Major in the Confederate Army. One night while
patrolling, he came upon three beautiful women. And you know what happened next,
right? The women were vampires. They seduced him. They turned him into a vampire.
And Jasper's world was forever changed.
It takes Stephenie Meyer about eight pages to tell us this. When my grandchildren ask,
"What are trees?" I will tell them it was all your fault, Ms. Meyer, for killing all the trees
and using up unnecessary amounts of paper. I will also blame you for the coming war
with the super-intelligent falcons (even though it will really be my fault for secretly
educating falcons in my basement, part-time.)
The three vampire women, whose names I don’t care about so let's just call them One,
Two, and Martha, thought very highly of Jasper. They made him a General of their
newborn vampire soldiers. The women trained the newborn vampires. Jasper says,
"When we did well, we were rewarded." I wonder with what? Probably with human
blood, or maybe computer time.
And so One, Two, Martha, and Jasper went to war with various groups of vampires.
Jasper's scars are a result of the subsequent battles. Am I suppose to feel sorry for Jasper?
Because I don't. I must be doing something wrong.
I like Jasper, don't get me wrong. But after he revealed his scars in the last chapter, I
assumed he would be a tragic figure who was tortured and whatnot. All he really did was
fight other vampires and get nibbled on in the process. I have a scar on my knee that is
the result of a much more heartbreaking story. I won't get into it here, but my injury
involved a bike, a poorly designed ramp, overconfidence, and a very hard road.
Jasper had enough of the wars and traveled North with his vampire buddy, Peter, and
Peter's forever buddy, Charlotte. (Jasper was such a third wheel.) These three would kill
humans, but up in the North, they didn't need to worry about starting a war with other
vampires, since northern vampires are more civilized. That means northern vampires
probably raise their pinkies when they suck the blood from a poor, innocent human.
Jasper didn't enjoy killing people. His power to alter emotions also meant that he felt the
emotions of those around him. Moments before he killed an innocent human, Jasper felt
that human's sadness and fear. It must be rough to feel someone's sadness. You know
what else is probably rough? Listening to someone's scream of pain as she beg for her
life. But Jasper didn't care about the screaming. He just didn't like feeling vampire
victims' sadness. It bummed him out. Poor, poor Jasper.
He left Peter and Charlotte and roamed around, finally walking into a diner in
Philadelphia where he met Alice, who was (naturally) waiting for him. She had seen the
future and knew that she would meet her forever buddy at that diner, at that time. She
always uses her powers in ways she thinks are cute and funny. Like when she thanked
Bella for a present that Bella hadn't bought yet. That would drive me nuts. She does this
again when she first meets Jasper, by saying, "You kept me waiting." Ha ha ha ha ha…
Alice, you're a riot. An annoying riot.
After they met, the duo went to the Cullens' house, and Alice once again used her cute
powers, this time to weasel her way into their family by saying things like, "I'm totally
going to live here now. I had a vision. So…where should I put my stuff?" And that's how
the Cullens became one big happy clan. This ends Jasper's story.
Jasper mentions that he thinks the Seattle vampire is actually an army of newborn
vampires. Everyone is shocked at the revelation, and they try to figure out who would
want to create an army of newborn vampires. (It's Victoria, right? It has to be Victoria.)
Carlisle isn't sure what to do, and Jasper says they need to destroy the newborn vampires
right away, or else risk involvement from the Volturi. WHAT?
ARGH!
Call the Volturi, you nitwits! Let them come to town and take care of this problem! If the
Volturi happen to check up on Bella, well…turn her into a damn vampire. You idiots are
planning to turn her into a vampire in two freaking weeks! Two weeks! Why not do it
now? I don't see what the problem is. I hate the Cullens so, so much.
But no. They can't alert the Volturi because…of a reason. So Jasper needs to tell
everyone how to kill newborn vampires. (Probably with a little salt and a tablespoon of
vinegar.)
Why doesn't Carlisle know how to do this? The guy has been alive for centuries, and
seems to be pretty smart. If he'd missed the info somehow, why wouldn't Jasper have
explained it?
CARLISLE: Hello Jasper. Welcome to the family.

JASPER: Thanks. By the way, I know the only way one can kill a newborn vampire. All
you need is a little bit of salt and some—
CARLISLE: Shut up. I don't care. Let me show you my big wooden cross. It's really old.
Edward suggests that this army was created to hunt down the Cullens. The Cullens are
the only vampires in the area, aside from Tanya's family in Alaska. (Remember, folks,
ROY G. BIV.)
So it would make sense that this newborn army is planning to attack the Cullen Crew.
But Alice says, "They're not coming after us. Or…they don't know that they are. Not
yet."
Grrr.
Alice's powers have been acting odd lately, as if the newborn vampires are changing their
minds often. Of course, if that's the case, why didn't Alice at least know it was an army of
newborn vampires? Maybe the army didn't decide to be an army? What the hell is going
on?
Edward thinks the army knows about Alice's weakness, so the e-vamps change their
minds on purpose to trip her up. That doesn't make any sense either, because Alice should
see the e-vamps deciding to be indecisive. It's like a child who wants to take a cookie, but
doesn't want Alice to know about it, so he decides to be tricky and think about eating a
carrot. Alice should still see the child deciding to be tricky, right? Right? Grrr!
I really, really hate Alice and her awful power.
They try to figure out who would know about Alice's powers. Edward thinks the Volturi
are behind the threat. Aro, the leader of the Volturi, is insanely jealous of Edward and
Alice's powers and desperately wants them to join his crew in Italy. So maybe this is how
he plans to nab them. That makes sense…except…If Aro really wanted Edward and
Alice, why didn't he keep them in Italy when everyone was, you know, in Italy?
Carlisle doubts the Volturi are behind the newborn army, since they are sticklers for
vampire rules, and these attacks are drawing too much attention from humans. Hey
Carlisle, it's Victoria. I know it.
Emmett speaks up. (Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, we should form a crime fighting team and
call ourselves Dan and Emmett, or Da-Mett.) He thinks they should all just go to Seattle
and take care of business. And for once, the others agree with Emmett. However, before
they all hop in the Cullen Cruiser, Jasper says they will need more good vampires on
their side, so Carlisle calls up Tanya in Alaska. Don't waste time, Carlisle. Call the
Volturi, you doofus!
Tanya's family isn't keen on the idea of helping out. Way back in book one, Laurent hung
out with Tanya's family while James and Victoria tried to kill Bella. During that time in
Alaska, Laurent had a fling with Irina, a member of Tanya's clan. After hearing that the
werewolves killed Laurent, Irina is acting like every other female vampire in this book:
she wants revenge for her lover's death. She refuses to help unless she's allowed to kill all
the werewolves. You think you can kill the werewolves, Irina? Ha! Why don't you try to
eat a piano or get health care reform passed while you're at it. I say let Irina go after the
werewolves. It will be awesome.
Carlisle doesn't agree to the terms, and the Cullens are left outmatched by the newborn
vampires. Call the Volturi! If you idiots don’t call the Volturi, I'm going to do it myself.
I'm serious. I'm picking up the phone. I'm dialing the number…
I'm only kidding. I sent them a text instead. (I'm out of cell phone minutes.)
So the Cullens need some help. If only there were a group of incredible beasts nearby,
monsters as strong as they are charming, who could help the Cullens out. Hmm. Oh well.
I can't think of any. And then the chapter ends.
(BTW: This week marks my one-year anniversary writing for SparkNotes. Thank you all
so much for the support! To celebrate, rice pudding will be served in the SparkNotes
solarium at noon. Bring your own folding chair.)

Prediction:
On the trip to Seattle, Alice continues using her powers to act cute and charming.
BELLA: Are we there yet?

ALICE: No. But here’s that juice box you wanted.
BELLA: How did you know I wanted a juice box?
ALICE: [WINKS]
BELLA: Oh right. Heh. Good one, Alice.
ALICE: And here's the magazine you'll want to read later. I ripped out all the articles you
weren't going to read.
BELLA: Um…gee, thanks.
ALICE: You're welcome! [GIGGLE] By the way, I brought some ice for your black eye.
BELLA: Black eye?
ALICE: [GIGGLE] You'll see. [GIGGLE]
BELLA: I'm going to get a black eye?
ALICE: [GIGGLE] Also, I'm sorry I can't attend the funeral in a few weeks. But I love
the dress you'll wear.
BELLA: What funeral?!
ALICE: [GIGGLE]
BELLA: Stop! You don't giggle about that. What funeral?
ALICE: I can see the future, and you can't. [STICKS TONGUE OUT. GIGGLES.]
BELLA: Who dies? Is it Charlie? Oh god!
ALICE: And when your house burns down and you run screaming into the night, don’t
forget to wear slippers. [GIGGLE] Your feet will be cold. [GIGGLE]
BELLA: My house burns down? Why can't I stop that from happening?
ALICE: [SHRUGS] I dunno. I guess you didn't decide to not have your house burn
down.
BELLA: Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
ALICE: [GIGGLE] Don't order the ham salad tomorrow. It will make you gassy.
[GIGGLE] Ooh, and you have a cavity, there's a hole in your jeans, and you will die on a
Thursday. [GIGGLE]
EMMETT: Both of you shut up! I'm trying to drive, and mount a machine gun to a
surfboard!
BELLA: Sorry Emmett.
Chapter Fourteen:
Declaration
Better Title: Sleepy
Jacob is Still Better
Than Wide-Awake
Edward
Two chapters ago,

Edward and Bella
needed to skip school
and meet with the other
vampires because the
trouble in Seattle was
escalating too quickly.
If they didn't act fast,
more innocent people
would die. It was rather exciting. Well, as exciting as this book can get.
It's now a few days later in Bella's world, and the Cullens are fighting the newborn
vampire army in downtown Seattle. Carlisle is attacking the vampires with a machete and
a shotgun. Esme and Jasper are protecting the orphanage with baseball bats and pistols.
Rosalie is taking out as many vampires as she can with homemade bombs and blow darts.
Edward is busy trying to capture the moment in a lullaby. Alice is flying a helicopter/tank
into the e-vamps' headquarters. And Emmett is ankle deep in vampire corpses, as he slays
them using only brass knuckles and a lawn mower blade. It's amazing! And it's a lie.
While it is a few days later, the urgency flew right out the window so that everyone could
sit around and gab about love for another chapter. I think Stephenie Meyer is just doing
this to piss me off, hoping that I will quit blogging these books out of frustration and
boredom.
It's not going to work, Ms. Meyer. Hurting me this way only makes me want to blog the
books harder. I'm like a sleeping polar bear that you tried to kill with a BB gun. You just
woke up Dan Bear! (Hmm. That sounds more cute and cuddly than angry and strong. Let
me change that.) You just woke up Polar Dan! (No. That sounds like I have mental health
issues. Let's start over.) I'm like a sleeping pterodactyl that you tried to wake up with a
BB gun. You just woke up…'Dactyl Dan! (That works.)
Bella, Edward, and Alice are back in high school. Alice is once again teasing Bella about
her graduation party. Bella asks why they're just sitting around in school when there's evil
in Seattle. Edward says they need more good vampires on their side before they go
picking a fight with the newborn vampire army. Jasper is trying to find his old vampire
buddies Charlotte and Peter, and Edward says those two will probably help out, because
if they don't, the Volturi will come, and "nobody wants a visit from Italy." Why not? I
don't get it. What's the worst that can happen if the Volturi show up?
ARO: We killed the evil newborn vampire army in Seattle. And then we destroyed that
pesky Victoria.
EDWARD: Um…thanks.
ARO: No sweat.
EDWARD: So you're going to leave now, right?
ARO: Ah yes. But first…I will take a shower in your bathroom and leave armpit hair all
over your soap.
EDWARD: Aw man. I knew it was a bad idea bringing you guys here.
MARCUS: Hey, you'll never guess who John Mayer has a crush on. Here's a hint: She's
a country superstar!
ARO: Marcus! I told you to wait in the van.
MARCUS: And Tiger Woods really does love his wife.
ARO: Marcus!
For whatever illogical reason, no one wants the Volturi to come to America. Why?!? I
refuse to continue this blog until someone gives me an answer.
Well?
I'm waiting!
You could argue that Edward doesn't want the Volturi to realize Bella is still human. Fair
enough. So change her into a vampire, Mr. No Fun. What's stopping you?
But aside from that, there is no reason to leave the Volturi out of this mess. It's their job
to intervene when vampire matters get out of hand, and I would think an army of
newborn vampires killing people in Seattle qualifies as an emergency.
So until you give me a good reason, we're just going to stay right here. I'm not going to
blog another thing about this book.
While we're waiting, does anyone want to hear about the time I had tea with Moby? A
few years ago, I went to Moby's tea shop in Manhattan to interview him about his new
line of iced teas. The trouble with most bottled teas, said Moby, is that they are too sweet
and syrupy. The End.
Gosh, that story sucked. Maybe I should continue blogging this chapter.
Bella is worried that Charlotte and Pete will try to eat her, since these two are not
vegetarian vampires like the Cullens. Alice says, "They're friends. Everything's going to
be fine." Oh really? Your "vegetarian" forever buddy Jasper tried to kill Bella a few
months ago, causing everyone to freak out. And now you're going to push smelly Belly
right under the noses of two carnivorous vampires?
If you look up "illogical" in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of Alice and Edward. (This
only applies to my dictionary, which I have illustrated. Look up "awesome," and you'll
see a picture of a werewolf. Look up "deceased," and you'll see a picture of E-rock. Look
up "rhetorical," and you'll see a picture of a boomerang, because I didn't know how to
draw "rhetorical.")
Edward says they should be able to launch an attack in a week. A week? In Twilight-
time, that's like five books from now. The series does end with Breaking Dawn, right? If I
get to the end of Breaking Dawn and Ms. Meyer publishes a fifth book in the series, I
might cry. And when I cry, it's not a little sniffle. It's a low, depressed, moaning cry. Like
a sad whale mixed with a Sasquatch's yelp. Trust me. You don't want to see that. [ed
note: don't worry. We'll force him to blog whatever S. Meyer writes. We have our ways.
("our ways" = money and asking really nicely and possibly throwing temper tantrums
until he says yes.)]
Bella once again suggests that she be turned into a vampire and help fight this army.
Alice doesn't think this is a good idea because Bella wouldn't be ready to fight. She
would be too wild and crazy. So the cast members of The Jersey Shore are also newborn
vampires? (SNAP! Someone brought their A-game. And that someone…is me! Snap-a-
lap-a-ding-dong!)
Alice goes back to talking about Bella's graduation party, and says Bella's mom won't be
able to attend. Later Bella learns that her mom's husband broke his leg, so she can't fly
out to Forks.
Hey Victoria, go kidnap Bella's mom, and use her to lure Bella to Florida. Then kill
Bella. It almost worked for James. It seems like a logical thing to do, since Bella is
protected in Forks. Victoria, if you don't do this, you're an idiot. If I wanted to kill Bella,
she would already be dead. I would take one of my "Ways to Kill Bella" journals off my
shelf, and blindly pick one entry, such as "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With a
Flaming Arrow" or "Lure Bella to Florida and Kill Her With Rocks" or "Lure Bella to
Florida and Kill Her With a Well-Trained Ape." See. It's not that hard.
At home, Edward and Bella kiss. Edward says he needs to go hunting before they head
into battle. So he will be gone tomorrow, and Emmett, Jasper, and Alice will be
babysitting Bella. She isn't too thrilled at the idea, because she says Emmett always teases
her. We haven't really seen Emmett tease Bella. Perhaps in Bella's mind, "teasing" means
"buying someone a car stereo." Did I mention that I don't like Bella?
Bella suggests that instead of being held hostage by vampires, she should be allowed to
visit Jacob in La Push. And Edward doesn’t seem to mind, because now he's really nice
and sweet when it comes to Bella hanging out with werewolves. Oh my God! He's not
Edward! He's that Terminator made of liquid metal from Terminator 2: Judgment Day!
Bella, run! Protect John Conner! Bring down Skynet! No fate!!!
Sorry.
Before going to La Push, Edward explains that newborn vampires are super strong
because they are filled with human blood. He also says that Jasper is thinking about
"cheating" before the big fight and drinking human blood, which is packed with more
super powers and will make a vampire stronger than if he drank chipmunk blood.
This means that Jasper is considering killing a human being. May I remind everyone that
the Cullens are meant to be the heroes of this book? This is like Batman saying, "I will
save Gotham City, but first I need to drown a few puppies, because drowning puppies
makes my back feel slightly better." I loathe vampires. (Except Emmett.)
Bella isn't sure what to think. On one hand, she isn't thrilled with the idea of Jasper killing
someone. On the other hand, she is selfish and doesn't care who dies as long as she can
tongue kiss Edward.
Bella calls Jacob and they arrange a time for him to pick her up at the werewolf
boundary.
As they spot Jacob's car at the werewolf border, Edward tenses up. He must have read
something in Jacob's mind. But what? Maybe Jake was having naughty thoughts about
Bella. Or maybe he was thinking about letting Bella eat ice cream for dinner, and Edward
hates the thought of her having nothing but empty calories.
Edward doesn’t tell Bella what he read in Jake's mind, but he's sure that Jacob will tell
her himself. Jacob honks his horn and Bella walks over to his car and rides off to La Push
where nothing much happens.
As they sit and watch TV, Jacob zones out and falls asleep. He's been doing double
werewolf shifts, only sleeping a few hours a night, as he tries to track down the evil
vampire (or vampires). I'd like to point out that while Jacob is working hard, the vampires
have been going to high school and planning parties. And you wonder why I'm trying out
for Team Jacob? (By the way, at the tryouts, is it OK if my routine is slightly longer than
three minutes? I'd really hate to cut anything out. It all flows together so nicely. Let me
know. Thanks!)
Jacob asks if there's any news about the e-vamp, and Bella says no. She doesn't tell him
that there is an army of newborn vampires in Seattle. Why? I thought the werewolves and
the (good) vampires were working together on this. It doesn't take a genius to figure out
that Seattle vampires are after Bella for some reason. So why doesn't she tell Jacob the
truth?
BELLA: There is an army of newborn vampires in Seattle. They are killing innocent
people, and will probably kill me.
JACOB: [SAYS NOTHING. STANDS UP AND LOADS HIS SHOTGUNS AND
CROSSBOW]
BELLA: But Edward says we need to wait a week, because…well, I don't really know
why. But we should wait, and—
JACOB: [STRIKES THE WEREWOLF GONG, SUMMONING HIS PACK]
BELLA: Um…So you're going to wait for Edward to learn about newborn---
JACOB: Shut up Bella. We got this. [FLIES OFF WITH OTHER WEREWOLVES
TOWARDS SEATTLE]
Yeah, Bella did the right thing by lying to Jacob. (sarcasm hand raised)
Jacob falls asleep on the couch, and Bella's mind starts to wander. She thinks about
finishing high school, and how one day soon she will be a vampire. She then yammers on
about how wonderful it would be if Edward turned her into a vampire instead of Carlisle.
The next two paragraphs of the book are laugh-out-loud hilarious, as Bella tries to tiptoe
around the fact that becoming a vampire is akin to loosing one's virginity. If you're ever
feeling blue, just read this section of the book. And if you don't at least smirk, then you
and I have nothing else to say to each other. There are many wonderful sentences in this
part, but I think this one is my favorite:
"I wanted his venom to poison my system."
That same line could work in a death metal song, a poem written by a sad 6th grader, a
poorly translated foreign film, or the title of shocking painting. It's not quite as wonderful
as, "This is about my soul, isn't it?" But it's going on my list of fun ways to end a
conversation before running away.
By the way, had I written this book, I would have changed that line to: "I wanted his
mouth parts to be all up in my bid-ness."
She then goes on about how difficult it would be to marry Edward right now, and how
she would have to suffer society's evil glare. Blah, blah, blah. We get it Ms. Mey…um, I
mean, Bella. You wish high school girls could marry high school guys, because that
would be totally fun. But mean America doesn't approve of such relationships. Bella is
18, right? Plenty of 18-year-olds get married. It's not like this is Quil and his rugrat
girlfriend Claire making out at the movies. I doubt society would glower and murmur at
Bella and Edward's marriage. I think Ms. Meyer is just trying to make a conflict that isn't
there.
Jake suggests they go outside, hoping the fresh air will keep him awake. He wants to tell
Bella something important, but isn't sure how to bring it up. I was hoping that he would
tell her, "I think you're dumb, and once I stole $40 from your purse." Instead, he
professes his love for her. I could have sworn he already did this is the last book. Was
this meant to be a shock?
Whatever. Bring on the vampire fight!

Murmurs: 0 (book total 35)
Prediction:
Stephenie Meyer continues to shock the reader by revealing fascinating information
during the final paragraphs of the next few chapters.
Chapter 15 ends with Alice saying, "My powers are ridiculous."
Chapter 16 ends with Carlisle saying, "I'm handsome and blonde. Also old."
Chapter 17 ends with Esme saying, "My baby is dead."
Chapter 18 ends with Rosalie proclaiming, "I'm kind of a b-word."

Chapter 19 ends with Angela saying, "Bella treats me like crap, but I don't mind because
I'm just a third-tier character who is easily forgettable. I don't even know what my last
name is."
Chapter 20 ends with Conner saying, "Who the hell am I?"
Chapter 21 ends with Tanya saying, "Brr. Alaska is cold."
Chapter 22 ends with Mike Newton saying, "I named my bed Bella Swan. What? Why
are you looking at me like that?"
And the entire book ends with Bella telling us, "I love Edward. But I also love Jacob. I
love Jacob like a brother. I love Edward like a husband….a husband in waiting. And yet,
I also love Jacob. But my love for Jacob is more brotherly. Whereas my love for Edward
is more passionate, like a lover. However, one must consider that I also love Jacob, even
if my love for Jacob is family-oriented. So is Jacob also my lover? Jake is more a friend,
really. Edward is someone I love. Also? I love Jacob. Love can be different and difficult.
I'm pale."
Chapter Fifteen:
Wager
Better Title: No One
Wants to Smooch Jacob
In a change of pace
from the usual blog, I
would like to take this
opportunity to talk
specifically with Jacob.
If you are not Jacob,
please don't read any
further. This is just
between him and me.
Regular blogging of
Eclipse will resume next
week. Thank you for understanding.

Dan
P.S.
Seriously, stop reading. For real!
OK, Jacob. It's just you and me now.
How's it going? Listen man, we need to talk. Have a seat. Can you put a shirt on? I'm
getting cold just looking at your impressive abs. Thanks.
I read what you did in this chapter, dude. Not cool. I know you're going through some
rough times right now. But that's no excuse. You kissed Bella, and she didn't want to be
kissed. Then you continued to try to kiss her. She was fighting you off, and you didn't
stop. That's messed up. What were you thinking?
Bella doesn't want to be your girlfriend. No, look at me! Look at me, Jacob. You need to
hear this. She loves Edward more than she loves you. How do I know? Because she feels
the need to tell me in every other chapter of these books. In fact, much of the last book
consisted of her saying, "Jacob is neat, but Edward? OMG! Edward is like a god crossed
with a candy bar and a puppy! Eeeeeeee! I love him so much! Eeeeeee!" I don't
understand why, either. That's just how it is.
Sure, you have an amazing personality. You're funny. You're charming. You're handy,
and a hard worker. Most girls would admire those things in a guy. But Bella…well, she
doesn't like good personalities. She likes men who are sad, and manipulative, and really,
really old. In the world of Star Wars, you'd be Han Solo, but Bella would rather make out
with The Emperor.
You're a good-looking guy, Jacob. You're tall. You have the body of an athlete. Your legs
are like two beautiful pillars of muscles that beckon all who see them with a sly,
flirtatious flex whenever your walk. And your abs. My god! They just won't quit. And
your shoulders are so…oh. Sorry. Was I staring? Heh. Anyway, have you seen that new
Rihanna video? She's hot. Yep. I totally dig chicks.
Where was I? Oh yeah. You're charming and handsome, and there are a billion other girls
out there who would love to go out with you. So if Bella says no, remember there are
plenty of less whiny fish in the sea.
But you owe Bella an apology. You can't go around kissing girls like that, Jacob. You
acted like an ass. I know you were just following your heart. And I know every musical,
romantic comedy, and pop song has taught us that when you love someone, you should
go in for a kiss, and she will love you right back.
But you forgot one important thing. You're not the main character of this book. Only
main characters can kiss girls spontaneously and get away with it. Indiana Jones can do
it. So can James Bond or the Cloverfield Monster. As much I like you, you're not the star
of the book. This book is about Bella and Edward. Now, if this book was called Black
Attack, and was about you roaming Western American looking for trouble before trouble
found you, then you could make out with whomever you wanted. But it's not. So you
can't.
And when you do kiss someone, you don't just suddenly smash your mouth onto her lips
like an animal. Do you know how to kiss? Be honest. I'm being serious. Let me explain…
When a man loves a woman, it can be a beautiful thing. They will go on a date, maybe
out to eat or to the movies. She may hold his hand, or giggle at one of his dumb jokes.
And at the end of the night, when the man drops the woman off at her house, they will
look deep into each others' eyes as a gentle breeze whispers past. The woman will smile.
The man will smile. And then the man will say, "Well. I better get going."
And the woman will say, "Oh yeah. It's late."
And the man will say, "Yeah."
And the woman will say, "Yeah."
And the man will say, "Uh-huh."
And the woman will say, "Well, I had a good time tonight."
And the man will say, "Me too. That guy in the hat was hilarious." And then they will say
nothing for about a minute as a car drives by. Then the man will say, "So, I'll get going.
Um…"
And the woman will say, "OK. Yeah."
And the man will say, "Yeah."

And the woman will say, "Yeah. Well…um." And then they will awkwardly kiss for the
first time.
That's how it's done. You don't kiss a girl for the first time unless the kiss is preceded by
an awkward pause and stunted conversation. Everyone knows this! The only exception is
if you're playing a kissing game, starring in an adult film, or need to quickly blend in with
the crowd before your enemy spots you.
Aw, Jacob, are you crying? Why are you crying? Oh. I see.
I know you didn't want to kiss Bella. I know Stephenie Meyer made you do it. She was
worried you were becoming too friendly, nice, and wonderful. She knew we'd all wonder
why Bella would choose Edward over someone so fantastic. So she had to force you to
do something out of character in order to pull her story in the direction she wanted it to
go. It's not fair. You go ahead and cry it out, big guy. Do you want some pizza bagels? I'll
make some pizza bagels.
By the way, I'm proud of you. I mean it. After you kissed Bella, she punched you in the
face. I was sure you would turn into a werewolf and eat her. After all, Edward keeps
telling me that werewolves are "volatile" and that a werewolf would destroy everything in
its path when aggravated. Hmm. I guess maybe Edward and the vampires were wrong.
Imagine that.
Ooh. Is that a smile I see, Jacob?
After Bella broke her hand, you offered to drive her home. That was nice of you. But she
was very angry, and only accepted the ride because she thought Edward would be waiting
at the border, and that when he found out what you did, he would kill you.
Yeah, I don't know how Lullaby Eddie would kill you either. Maybe he would bring
Emmett along. Or he could bring his entire family with him, and they could bore you to
death with their tiresome, clichéd back stories.
Anyway, Bella was furious when you drove right to her house. She wanted to go to the
Cullen house so that Dr. Carlisle could examine her hand…and she wanted the vampires
to murder you. To be honest, dude, she had every right to be pissed. Hey, don't get mad at
me, buddy. I'm not the one who forced himself on Bella. Sit down. Sit down, right now,
Jacob, or else I'm taking away the pizza bagels.
There. That's better.
When Bella stormed into her house, you probably should have just let her go. She was
angry. She didn't want to be around you. So why did you follow her into the house? What
were you hoping would happen? Did you think she would suddenly say, "Oh Jacob, I'm
sorry I punched you. I love thee with all my heart!"? Stop chasing this rainbow, Jake.
There's no gold on the other side.
You stuck around in the house, chatting and joking with Charlie, as Bella anxiously
called her forever buddy. (Yeah, I call them "forever buddies" because Bella doesn't think
girlfriend/boyfriend is a strong enough word. She brings this up a lot.)
At this point, I was a bit excited. See, for the past two books I've been dying for some
action. And part of me hoped that you and Edward would finally have a duel at Bella's
house. Of course, I was wrong. But could you do me a favor in the next chapter? Could
you kill Edward, or maybe Victoria? Even if you just go surfing it would be better than
reading another chapter of Bella saying, "I love Edward. My life is hard." Thanks.
When Edward arrived, he just stared you down and escorted Bella to his car. That's when
you should have turned into a wolf, slammed his dumb head into your mouth, and
chomped down hard. But you didn't. I can respect that.
And then, when you followed Edward and Bella outside, I was sure you would turn into a
wolf and fight. But all that happened is Edward told you to watch out. You're smiling. I
know why, too. Edward referred to Bella as if she were some shiny new toy. It was very
condescending and chauvinistic.
Like when he told you, "If you ever bring her back damaged again…If you return her to
me in less than the perfect condition that I left her in, you will be running with three
legs." And then added, "She's mine," as if Bella were a piece of candy. Edward really
doesn't treat Bella well. He sounds like a rich snob with a trophy wife.
After Bella and Edward drove away, what did you do? I hope you went home to think
about how horribly you treated Bella. Or maybe you and Charlie played Wii Bowling.
Dads love to play Wii Bowling.
Bella went to the Cullen house and Dr. C. looked at her hand and said she didn't need a
cast, but did need an arm brace, which he just happened to have lying around the kitchen.
The Cullens are so weird.
Bella also chatted with Emmett and Rosalie. Emmett is so cool, Jacob. You would like
him. He's funny and crazy strong. And he's the most logical vampire of the bunch. He's
my favorite character in this book! Don't be upset, Jacob. Sit down. Please? I think you're
cool too. But Emmett? Well, Emmett is Emmett. And Emmett doesn't force-kiss girls.
(Girls force-kiss him! Ka-Pow!)
Anyway, Emmett asked what happened to Bella's face, and Edward explained what you
did. Then Rosalie said Jasper would win the bet. It seems these vampires have a bet going
as to whether Bella will be a wild and unpredictable newborn vampire when she is
transformed. Jasper thinks she will go crazy and kill people, and the fact that she was
willing to punch you means she's not exactly the coolest cucumber.
Bella didn’t like this. She had never really thought about the possibility of becoming a
wild bloodthirsty beast that kills innocent people. Finally, she has some sympathy for the
poor people dying in Seattle right now. (Oh yeah, I wanted to tell you that there's a
vampire army in Seattle killing people. Bella didn't want you to know because I guess
until just a second ago, Bella enjoyed the idea of dead people. Also, vampires are killing
thousands of people in Volterra, Italy, and the Cullens think that's totally fine.)
Now Bella isn't sure if becoming vampire is the right move. On one hand, she doesn't
want innocent people to die. On the other, she really, really, really wants to get naked and
touch Edward's face. What's a girl to do? Her thoughts drift off, as they always do, and
this chapter ends with her wondering if there is some human experience that she will miss
when she becomes a vampire. Duh! Ice cream sandwiches! Vampires can't taste people
food. Losers.
Sorry I went off topic there. The reason I wanted to talk to you is to say that you
mistreated Bella. You were abusive, callous, and mean. Bella has every right to be
furious. And if you were the only other character in this book, you would clearly be the
villain. But you're not the only other character in the book. The Cullens are still worse
than you. Far worse. The Cullens have killed people, and let thousands of people die. All
you did was try to kiss on Bella. You're no hero. But, in to my book, murder is worse
than kissing. And for that reason, I'm still Team Jacob. (Also? Team Pancakes.)

Prediction:
Stephenie Meyer continues to make Jacob the bad guy in the next chapter. He calls
Bella...
BELLA: Stop calling, Jacob. I don't ever want to see you again!
JACOB: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you like that.
BELLA: Go away!
JACOB: But I need your help. Please…
BELLA: I'm hanging up this phone and calling Edward. He will write you a lullaby that
will knock you on your ass. So help me, he will…
JACOB: But Bella, I'm in jail. I need to talk to your dad.
BELLA: Jail? Why? Did you kiss more girls?
JACOB: No. I set fire to a hospital.
BELLA: What?
JACOB: I wanted to show you that I love you.
BELLA: You…burned down…a hospital.
JACOB: No. It's still standing. I just torched one of the wings.
BELLA: How could you?
JACOB: I thought that's what you wanted. The other night, when we were hanging out, I
thought you gave me that subtle look which meant, "Jacob, if you set a hospital on fire, I
will love you."
BELLA: I never…oh my god!
JACOB: So you're saying that I shouldn't have started the fire? I'm so confused.
BELLA: I never gave you that look!
JACOB: Sure you did. Right after your eyes sparkled in such a way that I knew you
wanted me to kill some kittens.
BELLA: No! What?
JACOB: We were talking, and your eyes did that sparkle thing. I know what that means,
Bella. This ain't my first rodeo.
BELLA: You're insane.
JACOB: You wanted me to do it.
BELLA: NO! No I didn't.
JACOB: You mouth is saying no, but your eyes totally said, "Kill kittens."
BELLA: You villain! You horrible, evil villain! I hope you rot in jail.
JACOB: So…are you going to put your dad on the phone or what? Also, will you marry
me?
Chapter Sixteen:
Epoch
Better Title: E-Rock Is
Alive!
Who cares what

happens in this chapter.
E-Rock is back! He's
not dead. In fact, he's
Forks High School's
valedictorian. Way to
go, E-rock. It's so nice
to see you. Don't scare
me like that again. I
want you to have fun,
but if you're going to go
missing for a few dozen chapters or an entire book, please call or write a note. I worry so
much.
Before heading to graduation, Bella must decide what to wear. She would really like to
wear the red blouse, but it was stolen by Vict…er, I mean…a mysterious vampire. Alice
pops into her room and gives Bella a new top to wear.
Alice says the gift is her way of apologizing. You may recall that a few chapters ago, a
mysterious vampire snuck into Bella's room, and Alice feels bad for not seeing a vision
of the e-vamp. Gee. That's really swell of you, Alice. Your powers failed to protect Bella,
almost killing her, and you make it up to her by buying a blue blouse? I bet if Alice
accidentally killed Charlie with her Porsche, she would buy Bella a nice vanilla body
lotion gift set, the kind that comes in a handy shower bag. Maybe even a bracelet too.
She's so thoughtful.
But enough about Alice. We're approaching the biggest What-The-Hell moment of this
book. Yes, even more disturbing than learning that Quil dates a preschooler. Even more
confusing than Jacob's sudden desire to be a slimy, gross ladies' man. Even more
frustrating than Emmett's lack of scenes and swords.
While thinking about Alice and the stolen blouse, Bella has the shocking, mind-bending
realization that the Seattle vampires are somehow connected to the vampire who stole her
blouse.
Really? She's figuring this out now? Boy, I'd love to use a swear word here. I'll save it for
the Unrated Blogging Eclipse: Part 16 (which will also include an unnecessary locker
room scene and more fart jokes).
What's worse than this dumb realization is that Bella is treated as the world's greatest
detective for coming up with it. She first tells Alice, who is taken aback by the news.
What the hell is going on here? Alice reeeeeallly didn't think that the Seattle vampires
were related to the mysterious e-vamp? But…why? And…ARGH!
If Belly was on the Titanic, after the ship sank and everyone was dying in the cold water,
she would say, "Hey, I wonder if the iceberg had anything to do with this." And Alice
would scream, "Oh my gosh! You're right! If we live through this, I'm going to buy you a
new shirt."
How is this possible? How? How did no one connect the dots? Alice's powers are wonky.
Fine. Whatever. I've already written too much about dumb Alice and her crummy, dumb
powers. But anyone could see that the vampire who took Bella's clothing is working with
the Seattle vampires. Heck, I bet Quil's girlfriend figured this out while watching Dora
the Explorer and eating a Go-Gurt.
And to top it all off, no one in this entire flipping chapter brings up Victoria. It's like they
forgot all about her. She's behind this! You morons! You idiots! How can you not see
this? And why didn't you stop Victoria two books ago?
Of course, if it turns out that Victoria is innocent, I will offer an apology, and write a
poem about being wrong. I will also eat an entire olive, and you know my feelings on
olives. That's how certain I am that Victoria is the villain.
Alice tries to deal with the shocking news. The pieces fit. It takes a few confusing
paragraphs for Bella to explain this, and I'm not sure I understood it correctly, but this
seems to be the gist: The e-vamps are after Bella. And who would be after Bella besides
Victoria? It must be her…or Mike Newton.
Bella is glad that the army is after her instead of the Cullens, because she hates the
thought of her favorite vampires being hurt. Alice says that this changes nothing, and the
Cullens will continue to protect Bella at all costs. It's another bombshell: The Cullens are
going to save Bella. Wow. My jaw is on the floor with shock. (Kidding. My jaw is on the
floor because of the glue.)
Just then Charlie knocks on the door and reminds Bella that if she doesn't hurry, they will
be late for graduation. Before leaving, Alice says that Edward shouldn't know about this
startling revelation because if he found out that Bella was in danger, he would freak.
What?!?!
Wasn't Bella already in danger for that past 945 chapters? Hasn’t Victoria been after her
for months and months? And didn't a mysterious vampire sneak into Bella's room a week
ago? Why would Edward react any differently now? We knew Bella was in danger. She's
always in danger. I even wrote a joke about it.
Q: How many Bellas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: A lot. Because she's always in danger.
Edward arrives and they all head off to graduation. Ed senses that Bella is nervous about
something, but isn't sure what's going on because he's an absolute fool. Bella says she's
just nervous about graduation. At the school, Charlie gives a mushy parental speech
about how his little girl is growing up, and then Edward and Bella go into gym.
Inside, Jessica waves to Bella and won't shut up about how much she will miss her and
all the good times they had. This is odd, since Jessica became evil in the last book. I was
expecting her to lure Bella into some sort of bucket-of-pig's-blood type trap. But that
doesn't happen. It seems that Jessica simply became a different character altogether. Neat.
Maybe Bella will change too, and become less sad and whiny, and more bold and tough
like the blue woman from Avatar, or Miss Piggy.
Bella zones out as Jessica chatters, and thinks about how her human life is coming to an
end. And then E-rock returns! We don't get to hear his speech, because rude Bella is too
busy thinking about Edward. But I bet his speech was geeky and awesome. Instead of
quoting Benjamin Franklin or Dr. Seuss (which is what every graduation speaker does),
E-rock probably made references to LOST and Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2.
Alice is lying low during the ceremony because she doesn't want Edward reading her
mind and learning that the newborn vampire army is after Bella. So when the principal
calls her name, she runs on stage, grabs her diploma, and sneaks away. Why did she go to
graduation in the first place? She's graduated a dozen times. Maybe she really likes flat
hats and speeches about opportunity.
The rest of graduation is a blur for Bella. When it's over, she finds Edward in the crowd.
For some weird reason, she decides to tell him about the newborn vampire army's real
target. Right here. In a crowd of people. You'd think she would have at least taken him
outside. I don't understand the urgency. Bella is in no more danger right now than she
was yesterday, or last month. I just don't get it. Perhaps like magnets and Ke$ha's
popularity, this chapter is something I shall never understand.
The news shocks Edward, and his mind wanders as he worries for Bella's safety. What
the hell is going on? Let's say the newborn vampire army is not connected to Victoria.
That still means Victoria is out there, stalking Bella. Bella was already under threat of an
attack. But now…for some odd reason…Edward is worried?
GRR! Where's Emmett? If Emmett doesn't show up soon, I'm going to buy a plant, name
it Eclipse, and then never water it. Never! And as it dies, I will laugh.
Charlie catches up with the two, and invites Edward to go out to dinner. The worried
Edward says he can't go, and storms off, probably thinking of a lullaby that will hurt the
newborn vampire army.
By the way, why haven't the Cullens teamed up with the werewolves and gone to Seattle
by now? Has Jasper explained how to kill a newborn vampire yet? Is he busy making
charts and visual aids? Is the explanation so complex that it needs a Power Point
presentation? Does Jasper simply enjoy waiting for the last moment? What a diva.
Or maybe Jasper doesn't know how to kill newborn vampires and said he did just to get
attention. My 7-year-old cousin does this all the time. He once told me he could lift my
car. I said he was a liar. And then he tried to lift it. At first it was kind of cute, but he
actually lifted it off the ground and over his head. It was amazing. (This may have been a
dream.)
So Edward goes off to brood about danger, while Charlie takes Bella out to eat at a place
called The Lodge. (This is probably an unintentional Twin Peaks reference, but whenever
a lodge is mentioned, it gives me goose bumps. Twin Peaks rules, and was the best show
of the 1990s. Suck on that, Seinfeld.)
The restaurant is crowded with graduates and their families. Bella doesn't feel much like
eating, and is out the door as soon as Charlie pays the bill. Edward is waiting for her
outside, and kisses her. He apologizes for acting so upset about the newborn vampire
news, saying, "I can't believe I didn't see it." Me neither.
Can I ask you a question, loyal Sparklers? Did anyone out there think the Seattle
vampires and the vampire that stole Bella's blouse were not somehow connected? If so, I
would like to talk to you about an investment opportunity in which you give me $1,000
now and once I get money freed up in Nigeria, you will get $1 million in return. If
interested, email me at
SpammyDanny57839898FreeMoney8FREEMOONEY@emailFreeTime_CashCash.virus
.com/mega_virus.
Edward skips away as Charlie approaches. Bella's graduation party is tonight, and Charlie
is driving her to the Cullens' house for the festivities. On the way, he talks about
parenting. He thinks he should have taught Bella how to throw a punch. He says that she
was right to hit Jacob, or anyone who forces a kiss. He tells her to punch him in the
stomach next time. It's nice that Charlie is taking a mild interest in his daughter. I wish
we saw more of this.
Charlie looks for the hidden road that leads up to the Cullen Compound. Bella says it can
be hard to see, and secretly hopes that no one else will find it and that her party will be
canceled. But Alice has decorated the trees with bright lights, showing the way.
The chapter ends with Bella telling us, "With a sigh, I marched up the stairs to endure my
party." Oh boo-hoo. Stop playing the victim, you spoiled brat. Some people don't get
graduation parties. I mean, I had one. It was awesome! (Won't get into specifics, but my
knee still hurts when it rains.) But others aren't so lucky.

Murmurs: 3 (book Total 40)
Prediction:
The Cullens meet in the ready-room to discuss the situation.
BELLA: And so I think maybe the vampires in Seattle are the same vampires that stole
my clothes.
CARLISLE: Genius! You're a bloody genius!
BELLA: I also think that when my body runs out of water, it makes me thirsty for water.
ESME: You should be a scientist!
EDWARD: What should we do about this situation? Wait for a few weeks? Stand around
talking about our past? Because if that's what it takes, I'll do it. See, once upon a time I
had a bad case of the flu and so Carlisle—
EMMETT: We need to go kill these vampires. They need to ride the Pain Train.
[FLEXES HIS MUSCLES]
CARLISLE: But we can't. We don't know how. Jasper needs to—
JASPER: [YELLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM] I'm not ready yet! My charts aren't
finished, the glue is drying weird, and now I'm out of glitter. Mom? Do we have any
glitter? Silver glitter? None of that gold crap.
ESME: Check the junk drawer, dear.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom, can you check? Mom? Mooooom?
Glitter?
ESME: Why can't you check, love?
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Because I'm coloring!
ALICE: Wait. I'm getting a vision. Someone will…do something…and…there's a man,
or maybe a potato? Bella, do you know any men or potatoes that hate you?
EMMETT: Uh-oh. I think the Pain Train is leaving soon. Destination, Seattle. [FLEXES
MUSCLES]
JASPER: [FROM OTHER ROOM] Mom!? Is Emmett making fun of my scars?
ESME: No, honey. No one is making fun of your scars.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Yes he is! I know he is. He's always making
fun of my scars! I hate him! I hate this family! I want to drink Bella's blood.
ESME: Jasper, honey. We talked about that, remember?
ROSALIE: Why would a vampire want…her? Like, eww.
EMMETT: By the way, I call my arms the Pain Train. And they depart every hour, on
the hour. Because that's what's up. [STARES AT EDWARD]
CARLISLE: Emmett's right. We should probably go to Seattle soon.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] But I told you! I'm not ready! The charts aren't
done, and I need to cut out more picture from magazines! And all our magazines are
stupid. I hate them!
EDWARD: Hmm. Who is behind this vampire army?
CARLISE: I have no idea.
ESME: It could be anyone.
ROSEALIE: It's a real mystery.
EMMETT: Whoever it is, I shall give them a non-transferable ticket to ride the Pain
Train.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] Mom? Is Emmett talking about my scars? My
scars are not my fault, Emmett. I'm pretty on the inside! Tell him, mom. Tell him I'm
pretty on my insides!
BELLA: Um…maybe Victoria is behind all this?
EDWARD: Oh Bella, you're such a total moron.
EMMETT: Pain Train!
Meanwhile, the werewolves have already killed Victoria and the newborn vampires.
After that, they built an orphanage and organized a food drive. They also cleaned up 13
miles of Highway 87, and stopped four bank robberies.
Chapter Seventeen:
Alliance
Better Title: Smarty
Throws a Party
It's party time at the

Cullen house as Bella
arrives to help get
things ready for the
graduation jamboree.
Edward quickly grabs
Bella and kisses her
passionately. Uh-oh.
That can't be good.
Edward never
spontaneously locks lips
with Bella. His kisses have always been prefaced with endless talk of passion, danger,
and non-weddings. Something's up.
We know why Edward is being more obsessive than usual. Bella told him that the
vampire army is after her. (Please see the last blog for 2,000 words on why everyone
should have already figured this out.) Now Edward is acting like it's the last day on Earth,
and if not for the party, he would probably spend the night in his room, crying and
listening to Beck's "Sea Change," which is the most depressing album ever made.
Alice is getting the house ready with colorful lights and music. Bella tells us it looks less
like the home of vampires than like a nightclub. Because Alice is so bloody perfect,
charming, and sticky sweet, she has already taken care of everything, and there is nothing
left for Bella to do but sit around and describe Alice's leather pants.
Edward searches for Jasper and Carlisle because he needs to tell them the shocking news
about the vampire army. You'd think Alice would have already said something to Carlisle
about the army of vampires that is coming for Bella, but she was obviously way too busy
picking out music, hanging party streamers, and changing into her leather slacks.
After hearing the news, Carlisle and Jasper are concerned, and instead of making fruit
punch with Alice, they try to come up with a way to stop the army. Not to worry, fellas.
I've already come up with a plan.
First, change Bella into a vampire. Then…well, that's about it. Changing Bella should
pretty much solve all the problems. Or, you could make an elaborate plan that involves
fights, alliances, and melodramatic speeches about destiny. It's your call.
The doorbell rings, and Bella's guests begin to arrive. Jessica is there. Mike Newton too.
Conner shows up (yay!), with Lee and someone named Samantha. In fact, the entire
house quickly fills up with guests. When did Bella make so many friends? I guess
everyone came because they wanted to check out the mysterious Cullen homestead. I
would go to the party, too. I've always wanted to see a vampire house. But I would
probably spend all night updating Twitter with messages such as:
9:30: Party is lame. House is fancy. Lots of fancy books in Carlisle's office. I want one.
9:37: OMG Just saw Emmett. #DanSawEmmett
9:39: This house only has one bed. The Cullens are sex perverts.
9:40: Who the hell is Samantha? She keeps talking to me, as if I know her. #skank
9:55: Stole one of Carlisle's fancy books.
10:03: Justin Bieber is a tool. #JustinBieber
10:05: Think I broke one of Jasper's Civil War models. Oopsies!
10:09: Jasper is crying.
10:12: Party sucks. Going to Taco Bell w/ Samantha.
Bella is shockingly sociable at her party and seems to be having a good time. Emmett is
there too. Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, what size shoes do you wear? I wear size 11. Maybe
we could be shoe buddies? You know how to reach me, shoe buddy.
As Bella chats with guests, Edward keeps his arm around her in a strange, protective
manner. Wouldn't a leash be more efficient, Eddie? He then picks up a mind-thought
from Alice and skips away.
Bella tries to follow him, but he's too fast. From across the room, she can see he is talking
to Alice, and they both looked frightened. Either Alice had a vision of the vampire army,
or Marshmallow Mike just puked all over Carlisle's antique crucifix.
Edward darts away, and Alice intercepts Bella. Bella watches Edward as he "turned and
disappeared into the shadows under the stair." That's where Harry Potter lives!
The doorbell rings. It's the werewolves. And this entire book becomes interesting for the
very first time.
Jacob is at the door with Quil and Embry. They're here to eat the vampires, right? This is
how the story ends, right? And the next few chapters are about the werewolves doing
karate, right? And Breaking Dawn isn't a book at all, but a spy-gear catalogue, right?
Right? *sigh*
The werewolves did not come to eat vampires. They came to party. Well, Jacob came to
party. I'm not sure why Quil and Embry came. Lady trouble, I presume. I bet Embry's
imprint-buddy wanted to watch Gossip Girl, and Quil's imprint-buddy was busy learning
about the world by putting objects into her mouth. The guys needed a night out.
Whatever the reason, I'm glad they showed up. But Bella isn't too thrilled, and doesn't
want Jacob there at all. I was really hoping Jacob would says, "Let me in," and Bella
would say, "Not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin." And then Jacob would blow down
the house. By the way, how exactly does a wolf blow down a house? And is the moral of
The Three Little Pigs "work hard," or is it "have brothers"? I never understood that story.
Jacob acts casual and reminds Bella that she invited him a few chapters ago. She says the
punch to the face was her way of uninviting him. Jacob says he came to give her. He
continues to talk as Bella looks around for Edward. She doesn't care about Jacob right
now. She wants to know what Alice's secret vision foretold.
Jake apologizes for the Kiss-pocalypse. (Perhaps my talk with him did some good.) He
admits that he misread Bella's feelings, and is deeply sorry he force-kissed her. (By the
way, my erotic Star Wars novella entitled "Force Kissing" is still looking for a publisher.
Let me know if you're interested.)
Bella accepts the apology (a bit too quickly if you ask me) and demands her present. He
gives her a bracelet with a wooden wolf charm he carved himself. It's nice. I'd rather have
a PlayStation 3 or a rocket sled, but a wolf charm would be my third choice. I need a new
charm, anyway. I'm tired of my cupcake charm, and my Robocop charm is tarnished.
Bella likes the gift, and it seems that she and Jacob are back to being BFFs. I hope my
former BFF doesn't think this trick will work on me. It'll take much more than a wolf
charm to win me back, Gwen Stefani. (She knows what she did.)
Jacob notices that Bella is distracted, and wants to know what's up. She doesn't want to
tell him, because she is an unhelpful weirdo.
Finally, she lets him know that some bad vampires in Seattle are up to no good. It took
Bella and the Cullens about ten chapters to realize the evil vampires in Seattle are
connected to the e-vamp that crept into Bella's room. It takes Jacob less than a sentence to
say, "Is this about the bloodsucker in your room?"
Bella says yes, but she needs to find out more details before going any further. Quil and
Embry walk over, and the three werewolves stare Bella down until she coughs up the
information. She says seeing the three werewolves like this "was a little bit funny, but
mostly menacing." When I die, I'd like that quote on my tombstone. Thank you.
Alice sees that Bella is being cornered by three werewolves, and intervenes. There's a
standoff. Alice wants to talk to Bella privately, but Jacob wants to hear the news. Jasper
pops up and looks ready for a fight. Jacob stands his ground and says he and the other
wolves have a right to know what's going down. I told you things would get interesting.
There is some glowering and glaring, but finally the vampires realize that the werewolves
might be able to help. So Alice speaks freely, telling Bella and the wolves that the
vampire army is leaving Seattle and heading towards Forks, on the hunt for Bella.
Jasper is freaking out. He knows they don’t have enough family members to fight off an
army of vampires. Bella offers to run away, but Alice says that won't help. Why not? The
Cullens are stinking rich. They could send Bella to a deserted island until this blows over.
Or give her plane tickets and let her fly around the earth for a few weeks while Emmett
and Jacob wipe out Victoria's army. (I'm 100% sure that Victoria is behind this, and
120% sure that Emmett and Jacob could defeat her.)
Jacob asks if there are too many vampires for the Cullens to handle, and Jasper bridles.
That's right. He bridles. You don't use the word "bridle" often? I use it all the time. I find
it helps me vacillate.
Anyway, Jasper bridles and says, "We have a few advantages, dog." Dude! Jasper! Why
are you mad at Jacob? Why must you go and bridle? Why do any of the Cullens hate the
werewolves? Aside from the unwanted kiss, the wolves have done nothing wrong. Jasper,
you tried to eat Bella. Remember that? I do. If anyone should be bridling, it should be
Jacob…or a horse owner.
The old werewolves were killed by vampires. If Jacob said, "I'm not going to help you
vampires because your species killed my great-great grand pappy," I would understand.
But the werewolves are offering to help. Jacob is taking the high road. And Jasper
responds by calling him a dog? Maybe I missed the chapter where Jasper's entire family
was massacred by werewolves, or the story of how Jasper once got a speeding ticket from
a werewolf.
Ugh. I hate the Cullens (except Emmett).
Jacob decides to help out, and this decision seems to mess up Alice's vision, because she
suddenly acts like her TV reception was cut off. Now she doesn't know what the future
holds. She acts like a little brat, sarcastically saying, "Excellent."
That's it. Alice is my least favorite character, even worse than Bella, Edward, and
schizophrenic Jessica. I'm taking Alice off my Christmas Card list, and my Easter Card
list, and she won't be getting a Flag Day present from me either, or any Arbor Day Pie.
Because the Cullens are outnumbered, they reluctantly accept help from the werewolves.
Jacob says they need to make a plan. Bella hates the idea of the werewolves fighting,
because she's still under the impression that the werewolves are meek little flowers who
will break in half if so much as a gentle breeze touches their downy soft fur. Bella's
loony. She screams at Jacob, saying if he fights he will be killed. And all three
werewolves laugh majestically.
Quil asks how many vampires they're up against, and Alice says it's about twenty. The
number keeps changing for a mysterious reason that Alice refuses to tell us now. Great
idea, Alice. Now is the perfect time to withhold information. You're so clever.
The werewolves and the vampires agree to meet at 3 a.m. ten miles away. Why don't they
just meet at the Cullen house? Wouldn't they be safer in the fortress? And why are they
meeting later tonight? I just looked on Google maps, and Seattle is a three-hour car ride
away from Forks. If the vampire army can run faster than a car, shouldn't they be at
Bella's house in about twenty minutes? Shouldn't the Cullens and the werewolves stop the
party and rush out the door to save the world?
Bella once again begs Jacob not to fight. But Jacob is like a firework. Once he's lit, you
just brace yourself for the 'splosion.
Prediction:
The party continues.
BELLA: Shouldn't we tell everyone to go home, and lock the doors because a vampire
army is coming?
ALICE: Don't be stupid, Bella. This is your graduation party. You should enjoy it, you
goof!
BELLA: But…the army of vampires is coming. They will kill people. I really think the
guests should leave.
ALICE: Not yet, silly. You need to enjoy these human experiences. Go dance.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] It's no use! We're outnumbered! [CRIES]
BELLA: I don’t really feel like dancing. Everyone I know is going to be murdered.
ALICE: But I planned this entire party. There's even mozzarella sticks. Do you know
how long it took me to make mozzarella sticks?
BELLA: I appreciate it, Alice. Really, I do. I just think we should warn everyone so they
won't, you know, die.
ALICE: Party Pooper.
JASPER: [FROM THE OTHER ROOM] We're all going to die! This is the end! This is
the end of everything!
[MEANWHILE QUIL AND EMBRY CHAT UP SOME OF BELLA'S FRIENDS]
QUIL: The key to cliff diving is to dive through the water in one clean motion.
SAMANTHA: That's so cool.
QUIL: My girlfriend can't wait to try it. But she's a bit young right now.
SAMANTHA: How old is your girlfriend?
QUIL: She's two.
SAMANTHA: …
QUIL: But she's tall for her age.
Chapter Eighteen:
Instruction
Better Title: Everyone
Smells
Edward carries Bella

through the forest to the
vampire/werewolf
meeting, which is taking
place in the clearing
where the Cullen
baseball games are
played. Because if
you're going to have a
top secret monster
meeting, it's best to do it
out in the open where the world, and Google Earth, can see. (Sarcasm hand is raised.)
While looking at the clearing, Bella feels a tinge of nostalgia for the old baseball field,
and remembers that the first game was interrupted by James, Laurent, and Victoria back
in book one.
Bella, the world's greatest detective, suddenly realizes that Victoria is probably behind
the vampire army. She tells Edward this revelation, and at first he doubts there's a
connection, because even after a century of life experience and education, he's still as
dumb as a salt shaker, and twice as dull.
He thinks the Victoria thing through, and finally says to Bella, "It's possible."
Can we stop the bus for a moment? I'm trying really, really hard not to pick on Alice and
her power. But this entire Victoria nonsense is frustrating. For some reason, Victoria has
the ability to escape situations. The vampires couldn't catch her. The werewolves lost her
trail. She's a slippery one. I'll accept that.
But Alice should be able to see Victoria, right? I mean, Alice is already looking for the
Italian Volturi to come to America, so distance is no issue. We know that the members of
the vampire army are changing their minds on purpose, to mess with Alice's powers. But
that doesn't mean Victoria isn't making other decisions every minute of the day. When
Victoria decides to comb her hair, wouldn't Alice see that? When Victoria decides to
watch Glee, wouldn't Alice see that too? The point is, Alice should see Victoria doing
things—not necessarily evil, menacing things, but normal everyday things.
So shouldn't Alice know exactly where Victoria is right now based on these mundane
decisions? And wouldn't she see Victoria in Seattle? And thus, wouldn't everyone know
that Victoria is behind the attack?
Anyway, Super-Smart Bella figures out that Victoria is behind this villainy. No one
seems to care, and the meeting continues. The vampires are chilling around the clearing,
and Alice is acting bratty because the werewolves are approaching, and it messes with
her psychic ability. Do you know what else messes with Alice's psychic ability? Logic
and common sense.
Because the werewolves are coming in wolf form, Edward says he will need to translate
their thoughts. Does this mean Edward can read the minds of animals too? I would love
that power, because then I would know if the birds are really mocking me, or just looking
at me because I'm handsome.
And then everything becomes spooky and awesome as the werewolves arrive. There are
more wolves than before. Ten in all. They're so cool! They're huge, and scary, and I bet
they could do anything they wanted.
They say you can't fold a piece of paper more than eight times. Well, I bet the
werewolves could fold a piece of paper fifteen times, and then the paper would become
so compacted and dense that it would create a black hole, and then the werewolves would
eat the black hole and save us all, and then they'd get cosmic powers because they all had
black holes in their bodies, and then…and then…I want to be werewolf so bad! [Flexing
calf muscles until there's a popping noise behind my eye.] Ouch.
Even Emmett is impressed by the werewolves and says, "Damn." Emmett! Hi Emmett!
Hey Emmett, do you like to play street hockey? I don't. I'm scared of the ball. But if you
like to play, then I'll play too. You should pick me for your team. I'm good. Honest! But I
don't want to play goalie…unless you want me to play goalie. Do you want to play
Nintendo instead? Say yes, please.
In the dark night, Bella can only see the eyes of the wolves as they enter the clearing.
Carlisle greets the mighty werewolves, and Edward translates the wolf-thoughts. The
wolves ask about the newborn vampire army, and Carlisle explains that these vampires
are not like the Cullens. They are crazy and strong, just like Sigourney Weaver when she
wakes up in the morning. (Don't ask how I know this.)
Carlisle tells the wolves that in four days, the evil vampires will cross the mountains and
arrive here in the morning. The wolves agree to watch Jasper's presentation on how to kill
newborn vampires. And with that, Jasper takes center stage.
After weeks and weeks of waiting, everyone will finally learn the secret to killing
newborn vampires. This is going to be amazing. This is going to be fascinating. There
must be some secret trick, like maybe you need to stab them in the eye. Oh boy. Oh boy.
This is going to be good!
And then Jasper says that to kill a newborn vampire, you need to be fast.
Um.
Wait. That's it? Hold on. My book is probably broken. The pages of this chapter in which
Jasper shows everyone how to stab a newborn vampire in the eye must be missing.
Crap. My book is intact.
Be fast? That's the trick? That's what Jasper has been waiting to tell us? Really? Be fast? I
could have told you that. I wonder what Jasper's trick is for making a delicious blueberry
muffin.
JASPER: Use batter. Blueberries too.
You might think I'm exaggerating. But here are Jasper's word-for-word instructions:
"As long as you come at them from the side, and keep moving, they'll be too confused to
respond effectively."
You don't need a special dagger or a magic rope. You don't need a fancy bullet or a sword
made of angel bones. You just need to be fast…and hit them sideways. Well, I'm glad
Jasper waited to tell everyone this helpful information. Had he mentioned it earlier, I'm
sure Emmett would have crushed Jasper's dumb blond head in a vice. I know I would
have, if I had a vice.
With the complex, wildly inventive strategy explained, Jasper challenges Emmett to a
sparring match, to show everyone what he means about being fast. Jasper races around in
a blur as Emmett tries to catch him. Finally, Jasper grabs him from behind, and Emmett
loses. (Boo!)
I love watching the vampires practice, but what does this teach anyone? Were the
vampire going to fight slowly against the evil vampires?
EDWARD: OK, when we fight the bad guys, I'm going to casually walk up to them and
poke them directly in the nose.
ESME: And I shall stroll toward one of them, and slap his forehead.
ROSALIE: I will just stand still and wait for them to come to me. Then I will kill them
with kisses and hugs.
JASPER: NO! You fools! That will never work!
Maybe I was excepting too much. But Jasper's explanation has let me down worse than
the time I learned my imaginary friend Knick-Knack was really just some old perverted
ghost.
Emmett, of course, wants a rematch, but first Jasper wants to show Bella that Alice can
take care of herself. Was Bella really worried about Alice? I know Alice is a good friend,
but I think Bella is more concerned with, you know, Bella. Maybe instead of showing
how fast and furious Alice can be, they should be dumping Bella on a plane to Antarctica
where it's safe. Or showing Bella how to use a flame thrower. Or giving her a can of
pepper spray. Something. Anything. But don't have Alice prancing around, showing off
when trouble is afoot.
When the vampires kill Bella, I'm sure her last words will be, "I’m super glad to die
knowing Alice can take care of herself. I love Mike Newton! Gurgle."
Jasper and Alice spar, and Alice wins because she's so damn cute, spunky, and quick.
(Boo!) The wolves watch and are impressed with Alice's speed and agility. And then
Edward and Jasper spar. It's meant to be epic, because these dudes are evenly matched in
terms of strength and speed, but I found this battle boring.
I know. I know. I'm being a Bella by complaining about action when all I wanted from
this book was action. I'm sorry. I'll try to enjoy this moment. Maybe Jasper will slay
Edward by mistake. That would be kind of cool. I guess.
The Jasper/Edward smackdown ends in a draw. (Boo!) The rest of the Cullens practice
fighting, as Jasper gives instructions like a basketball coach. After a while, the training
session ends.
Jasper tells everyone there will be more practice tomorrow, and the wolves agree to come
back to watch and learn. Werewolf Sam thinks it would be best to get the scent of all the
good vampires, to avoid any confusion when the war begins. Carlisle says this is a good
idea, and allows the wolves to sniff the Cullens.
Now, Sam! Quick! Bite off Edward's man-parts!
Of course, Sam doesn't bite Edward. (Boo!) As the wolves mingle with the vampires,
Bella can see the werewolves more clearly. She recognizes Sam as the giant black wolf,
and picks out the new werewolves, who are less graceful than the others. She spots the
reddish-brown wolf, and knows this is Jacob.
Wolf Jacob smiles, sort of, and Bella giggles. The two share a moment together, as Bella
pets Wolf Jacob and he licks her face. Dude! We talked about your kisses! Do we need to
have another chat? 'Cause I've got a few hours to kill, and a freezer filled with pizza
bagels.
This time, however, Bella doesn't punch Jacob, but playfully says, "Ew," and jumps
away. She can't help but laugh, and Wolf Jacob and Bella seem to be having a good ole
time. I like that.
Edward doesn’t. He takes Bella's hand and asks if she's ready to go, as if she's a little kid
who wants to leave a boring dinner party. Then Wolf Jacob sends Edward a mind-
thought, and Edward says, "It's more complicated than that. Don't concern yourself; I'll
make sure it's safe."
Bella wants to know what they are talking about. I think I figured it out.
JACOB MIND-THOUGHT: Anyone can write a lullaby. All you need to do is make a
song, and then make it worse.
EDWARD: It's more complicated than that.
JACOB MIND-THOUGHT: Are you worried that Bella will find your Hello Kitty
pillow-pal?
EDWARD: Don't concern yourself; I'll make sure it's safe.
Wolf Jacob darts off into the woods with the other wolves, and comes back moments
later in human form wearing sweat slacks, or sweatpants, as the unsophisticated call
them. He wants to speak for himself, without Edward translating. Or maybe he just wants
Edward to get a good glimpse of his nude upper body, as the moonlight splashes against
his chest, illuminating each muscle as if it were a work of art, his abs so defined they cast
deep shadows across his stomach, like storm clouds throbbing in the night's…n'mind.
(Yep. I'm still straight.)
Jake is worried about Bella's safety during the war. He wants her to stay at La Push with
the two new werewolves Collin and Brady. Edward isn't keen on the idea, because the
evil vampires will know to look for Bella at La Push. This makes Bella worry for her
father's safety, but Jacob says Charlie will be safe because he will be with Billy.
What?! This doesn't make sense, and not because Billy is in a wheelchair. I've seen
Murderball. I know how tough wheeled-warriors can be. But Billy is old, and not a
werewolf. How will he stop a vampire attack? And why wouldn't the evil vampires go
after Charlie? He must smell somewhat like Bella, right? And shouldn't Victoria know
that Charlie could be used as a hostage to nab Bella? And shouldn't Jacob and Edward be
a bit more concerned with Charlie's safety? Maybe send him on a trip to Antarctica…with
Bella?! Why is Bella still here?!? Why?!?
Why is even the coolest chapter in this book making me weep?
But Dead-Ed doesn't even suggest sending Bella and Charlie away on a plane. Instead, he
and Jacob think of ways to keep Bella hidden in the forest without the e-vamps smelling
her freesia scent.
Edward says they can't hide her yet, because Alice doesn't know which way the e-vamps
will be coming from, adding, "We're not sure exactly which path they'll take, because
they don't know yet."
I want you to keep that sentence in mind, because I will mention it exactly 164 words
from now.
Jacob theorizes that his werewolf stench will hide Bella's odor from the army, and
Edward thinks he might be right. So if Jacob carries Bella someplace safe, the bad guys
wouldn't be able to follow Bella's stank. Good idea. (Sarcasm hand is not raised.)
They put this theory to the test as Jacob carries Bella into the woods, and the Cullens try
to follow the scent. The plan works. As long as Bella doesn't touch a leaf or tree limb, the
vampires only smell Jacob.
And then Jasper comes up with a plan. Bella should leave a false trail for the e-vamps to
follow that will lead right into the baseball clearing, where the Cullens and the
werewolves will be waiting. Good idea. (Sarcasm hand is not raised.)
Alice says the plan will work. Once Jasper decided on the plan, she got a vision of the
plan succeeding. Neat, right? That makes perfect sense. (Sarcasm hand raised!)
Just 164 words ago, I mentioned that Edward said they have no idea which way the
vampires will attack. They e-vamps haven't made up their mind.s If the e-vamps have not
decided how to attack Bella, how could Alice have a vision of Jasper's plan working?
How!?
No one seems to care besides me and my Alice Sucks Notebook.
Jacob has another thought about where to place Bella during the actual fight. He suggests
that the new werewolf named Seth watch over her at a hiding place. Seth will offer
protection, and will help to hide her scent. Plus, if Seth remains in wolf form, he will be
able to know what's happening in the fight by reading the minds of the other wolves. I
agree. Good idea. (Sarcasm hand not raised.)
Edward says, "It's a good idea."
*Phlud*
That sound you just heard was me hitting my head with my shoe in frustration.
Edward has consistently said that werewolves are volatile and vicious, and has fretted if
Bella so much as talked to a werewolf in human form over the phone. Now, he's not only
allowing Bella to hang out with one of the werewolves, but agreeing that the werewolf
must remain in wolf form. Plus it's a new werewolf, one who may not have the best
control over his werewolf anger. And Edward is pretty much saying, "Tra-la-la.
Werewolves are neat and wonderful. Tra-la-la."
Edward was wrong to prejudge the werewolves, and I know Seth will not harm Bella. But
Ed-dork changed his mind instantly. Year and years of hatred vanish in a flash, without
any explanation. It's like saying, "Avatar sucks. I hate that movie," for months and
months, and then one day, without warning, changing your tune and saying, "Avatar is all
right, and should protect Bella."
*Phlump*
That sound you just heard was me hitting my head with my other shoe (the one with the
sloppy, barely attached sole).
The chapter ends, but not before I go back and reread the part about the werewolves
approaching the clearing.

Prediction:
The fight begins!
EVIL VAMPIRE: Now, little Bella. You are mine! [RUSHES TOWARDS BELLA]
JASPER: Attack!
EVIL VAMPIRE: What the hell? No! Don't attack me sideways! Anything but
sideways! And not so fast. Please slow down! Argh!
[EVIL VAMPIRE DIES. REST OF VAMPIRE ARMY COMMITS SUICIDE INSTEAD
OF FACING THE SPEED AND LETHAL SIDEWAYS ATTACK OF JASPER.]
QUIL: My girlfriend is two years old. I just want to make sure everyone knows that. I
cannot stress this fact enough. She is two, and I love her. I don't see age, only beauty. If
you have a problem with that, then I say good day to you, sir, and move on with my life.
Blogging
Eclipse: Part
19
Chapter Nineteen:
Selfish
Better Title: Whatever
Baby Wants, Baby
Gets
Not much happens in

this chapter. So,
instead of a traditional
blog, I present to you
this summary of events
in poem form. Enjoy.
T'was late in the morn' when Bella awoke.

She had slept in real late, and that is no joke
She makes a Pop-Tart, as Edward does stare
He looks at her wolf-charm, and pretends not to care.
They talk about gifts, and presents and such.

She wants nothing from Eddie but the gift of his touch.
He will give her a gift. Something old, something used.
She says she'll accept. I'm guessing it's shoes.
They yap about love, as I roll my eyes.

Then Alice calls Eddie, and part of me dies.
I hate Alice Cullen. You know that by now.
So I will shut up, like some silent cow.
Edward hangs up, and gives Bella a look.

She knows she's been caught like some dirty crook.
See, Bella has thought of a scary new plan,
To help her friends fight the evil vampire clan.
She will not hide away during the big bad fight,
But will stand in the clearing where she can see every bite.
Her presence will confuse the bad nasty vamps.
So the Cullens and werewolves will become the champs.
How's this poem going? Have you been to Prague?

I'm starting to wish I wrote a regular blog.
What rhymes with Embry? Gosh, I don't know.
Why couldn't he have been named Ted, Fred, or Joe?
Angry Bella demands to be part of the fight.
She whines and complains, like she does every night.
Edward says no, it's too filled with danger
She'd only get hurt. She's no Hermione Granger.
But Bella refuses her master's demand.

If Edward is fighting, she's making her stand.
She says, "Jasper knows that this plan will work.
So quit being a baby, you big baby jerk."
Ed shakes his head. He will not give in.

He then changes the subject. I want to kick his shin.
He talks about the wolves, the were-ing kinds.
He used his dumb powers to read into their minds.
One new wolf is a woman, and not to be rude,

But does she walk around all day nearly nude?
The boy-wolves hate shirts, and pants that are long.
I wonder if she-wolf walks around in a thong.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Don't give me that look.

I've been spending too much time with this lousy book.
Too many abs, pecs, and jean shorts descriptions.
It's like I'm reading Twilight: The Swimsuit Edition.
That last part didn't rhyme, and hardly makes sense.

Sorry about that. And don't take offense.
So Edward saw into all the werewolves' brains
And tells us their gossip, their feelings, their pains.
The she-wolf is Leah, ex-girlfriend of Sam

She's part of the pack now, and I'm all like, "Daaamn!"
Think of the drama! This is going to be fun.
Like watching a dating show on VH1.
Leah thinks about stuff others wish to ignore.

Like the fact that Embry's dad is a man-whore.
See, Embry's mom came here from way up north.
And…this part is hard to rhyme, and so forth.
Not sure how to put this, and still make a poem.

Need to rhyme the word Quileute, or Ateara. Hummm.
OK, Embry's mom had an affair, though we're not sure with whom.
His dad might be Billy, or the other dads. Ka-boom!
I wonder if SparkNotes will let me call Leah a bitch.

I might need to change that to "loser" or "witch."
But I'm technically correct, as Leah's a dog.
I'm teaching folks vocab with the words in this blog.
That's all the wolf stories that Edward will tell.
And it's back to Bel's plan, and how it will fail
She makes a demand that is selfish and trite.
"Ed, you stay with me, while the others go fight."
Belly won't mess with the vampire war

If Eddy stays behind and kisses her more.
She wants him to stand down, let the others go to battle.
Bella's like a baby, demanding her rattle.
Edward should fight; he should help his friends.

But he decides to sit out. I hope he dies in the end(s).
He could save his family, or the entire town of Forks.
But Bella makes him her cuddle buddy. What dorks.
Bella, you're evil. I hate you. You suck.

I hope you get bit by an evil rabid duck.
How could you ask this? How? And why?
Ed needs to fight. If he doesn't, you die!
Edward agrees not to fight, and I lose all respect.

Ed, you should fight the bad vampires. Bella can deal with neglect.
Emmett better show up soon. I'm getting a headache.
And he should bring me an axe, a sword, and a big piece of cake.
So Edward won't fight, and Bella eats food.

Some crap happens with Alice, but I'm not in the mood.
Later that night they all go to fight practice.
And…something, something, something cactus.
Only three wolves show up, but it's better than none.
They are so cool, big, and brave! I wish I were one.
I keep flexing my calves, sure that is the trick.
But so far it's done nothing but make my face tic.
Emmett is there, wrestling. Hi Emmett! It's me!

Jacob's there too, with his friends Quil and Embry.
Ah! I found a good rhyme for the odd-named chap.
I knew I could it do it. I should go into rap.
My rap name would be Phalcon. Or maybe just Dan.

I would rap about dinosaurs, jetpacks, and Japan.
And I would wear lots of gold, but not on my neck.
I would wear a man-tiara. Why not? What the heck!
Where was I? Oh yeah, the practice. That's right.

Wolf Jacob walks to Bella, not to Edward's delight.
Then something happens, that was not expected
I found myself smiling. (No sarcasm detected.)
Bella and Wolfy share a quiet moment or two.
It's charming and nice, like Winnie the Pooh.
He barks, and she talks, and it's genuinely sweet.
After reading this dumb chapter, this part was a treat.
But the final line of this chapter made me laugh so hard

It's goofy, and pretentious. Meyer thinks she's The Bard.
I would type it here, but it will mess up my rhyming.
Go read it yourself. Mountains are for climbing.

Prediction:
The battle begins, and Emmett fights bravely.

He slays fifteen vampires, and wounds many more gravely.
With an axe in each hand, he lays waste to them all.
As Ed and B. shop for a new coat at the mall.
Esme is killed, and she dies with honor.

The vamps then kill Quil, Billy, Jasper, and Conner.
But it's OK, Edward. You hang out with Belly.
Don't worry about people dying. Go watch the telly.
Part 4/1
Blogging Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Part
18
Chapter Eighteen:
Dumbledore's Army
Better Title: The
Hogwarts Secret
Emergency Bathroom
Harry, Hermione, and

Ron are busy in Charms
class trying to silence
various animals with
magic. I guess this
would be like you and
me taking algebra. And
just like algebra
students, these kids
probably whine, "Ugh.
This sucks. We're never going to use this in real life anyway."
Which brings up another point: Do these students take real classes? Do they even know
about math? If you ever suspect someone is a wizard, have her find the area of triangle. If
she can't, she's a wizard. This is why I assume my 4-year-old cousin is a wizard. He can't
do math. Plus, he speaks to snakes.
Hermione and Harry are talking about mean Professor Umbridge, and how the evil
teacher nearly caught Sirius Black visiting Harry. They also discuss holding a secret
meeting to teach other kids how to protect themselves from the Dark Arts (since
Umbridge is being a total b-word about Defense Against the Dark Arts class).
Meanwhile, Ron has difficulties quieting his raven. Hermione says his problem is with
his wand movements, and shows him how to do it correctly.
Can someone without hands be a wizard? I guess not. You need to move your hand in a
very specific way to perform magic. So limbless folks, or those simply suffering from
arthritis (sorry, Grandma), need not apply. That seems unfair.
Though it does mean defeating Voldemort should be easy. They can just break his hands.
Then he'd be stuck. I'm sure there's a spell for doing that. If there's a spell for making a
raven shut up, there must be a spell to break bones. It's probably "Breakus Handus Bone-
icus!" (giggle)
Between classes, Angelina informs Harry and Ron that the Quidditch team is re-forming.
Umbridge's ban on the sport has been lifted. Unfortunately, the weather has been nasty,
and the team will need to practice during a horrible rain storm. Huh?
Hogwarts has bazillions of dollars. The school has its own freaking train! Not to mention
a chamber of freaking secrets! You'd think they would spend a bit of that sweet tuition
money to make an indoor Quidditch field. Hell, Detroit has an indoor football stadium
and they're not even magical…or good at football. (Burn!)
After Angelina leaves to spread the news about Quidditch, Hermione casts a worried look
toward the window. The guys ask her what's wrong, and she confesses that the idea of
meeting in secret to practice Defense Against the Dark Arts may be a mistake. Hermione
is right. (My sarcasm wand is raised.)
Ron is dumbstruck, since it was Hermione's idea to break the rules and practice Defense
Against the Dark Arts in the first place. Hermione explains that she loved the idea until
Sirius told them he loved it too. If he likes it, that means it's probably reckless and
dangerous.
That's why I love Sirius. He is reckless. I know I keep going on and on about how great
he is. I even wrote that 3,298 word poem about him way back in Blogging Harry Potter
and the Goblet of Fire: Part 21. I just think he's amazing. I wish this entire book were
about Sirius. He is the scoundrel with the heart of gold. He is the unpredictable rebel that
plays by his own rules. He is the madman without a plan. He is…Sirius Black [CUE
THUNDERCLAP].
I sure hope nothing bad happens to him.
After Quidditch practice, Harry's scar begins to throb with pain. Ron asks what happened,
and Harry explains that his scar hurts because Voldemort is angry about something.
Harry can feel Voldemort's emotions. When He Who Must Not Be Named is upset, Harry
feels it. When Voldey is happy, Harry feels that too. Why? Well, it makes perfect sense:
there's, um…a prophecy?...and…um…Hey look, Dobby's here! Hi Dobby!
Dobby shows up in the middle of the night after Harry falls asleep doing homework. The
house elf is collecting the hats Hermione has left out for all the house elves. Harry wakes
up and chats with the Dobb-ster for a bit. Anyone else would look silly wearing a bunch
of different hats on his head. But not Dobby. He makes it work. He looks chill. That's
because Dobby keeps it real. He's such a player.
I want a house elf. I would name him Doodles and he would make macaroni and cheese
—the good kind with the crunchy breadcrumbs on top. Doodles would also spy on my
enemies and steal their money. And we'd have a secret handshake.
Dobby is about to leave, but asks if there is anything he can do for Harry. Harry says
there is something he needs: a room. If he is going to be secretly teaching 25 kids how to
defend against the Dark Arts, he's going to need a room where they won't be discovered
by the evil Umbridge.
Harry doesn’t really expect Dobby to have an answer for him; he was merely thinking out
loud. But, of course, the Dob-Dude knows just the right place for Potter to hold his
training session: The Room of Requirement.
According to Dobbers, there's a secret room in one of the hallways of the school that only
reveals itself to someone who desperately needs it. So, for instance, if you need a
hammock in the worst way, you simply walk past this seemingly empty hallway, thinking
about how you need a hammock, and then POOF, the door will appear and inside will be
a room filled with hammocks.
Harry remembers that Dumbledore mentioned such a room a while back. Dumbledore
said he once needed a restroom, and then suddenly came upon a room filled with just
what he needed.
This is why, whenever I walk down hallways that seem empty and door-less, I always
think to myself, "I need a million dollars, a robot, cool shoes, some cake, another robot, a
robot instruction book, and a house elf named Doodles." Hey, you never know…
I wonder what would happen if you walked past this room thinking, "I really need a room
that is visible to everyone and has no magical powers whatsoever"? The world would
implode, probably.
The following day in Herbology class, Harry tells Ron and Hermione about the secret
room. By the way, isn't it convenient that Herbology is taught by someone named
Professor Sprout? Why isn't Potions taught by Professor Cauldron or Professor Bubbling-
Liquid? And what if Professor Sprout hated plants and wanted to go into another line of
work? Maybe she was forced into her occupation based on her name. Maybe she wanted
to be a pilot or an architect.
SPROUT: Mr. Skyscraper, I want to be an architect, just like you.

MR. SKYSCRAPER: What's your name?
SPROUT: My name is Sprout, sir. Pomona Sprout.
MR. SKYSCRAPER: Yours is the name of a farmer! Get the hell out of my office and
go back to your dirty filthy garden, you lousy farmer!
The three musketeers spread the word to those students who signed up for Harry's secret
class, telling them where to meet and how to access the room. Later, Harry finds the
Room of Requirement just as Dobby said he would.
Once everyone is settled inside, Harry begins to teach some magic tips they can use to
fight Voldemort and the Death Eaters. Harry has everyone practice the stunning spell.
There are a few groans from the students who think such a spell will be useless against
the Dark Lord. But Harry tells them that he's personally used the spell against Voldemort,
and it saved his life. That shuts everyone up, and they all pair off to practice on one
another.
Question: Why don't they just learn Avada Kedavra, a.k.a The Killing Curse? It's the only
spell they really need. I know it's illegal. But come on! If Voldemort or one of his goons
is coming at me, I'm not going to be too worried about breaking the magic law. I'm going
to kill that slit-nosed freak.
It's as if someone told you, "Simply saying the word 'blueberry' while standing on one
foot will kill whomever you're looking at. But please never try it, even if someone is
attacking you. If you're being assaulted, simply shove the evil person. Or, if you must,
shove him with both hands."
Would you listen to such odd advice? I don't get it.
The training session continues. Harry gives some pointers, and everyone, even Neville, is
having a good time. Harry eventually builds up enough courage to walk over to Cho
Chang and see how she's handling the spell. He is crushing on Chang so hard that it's
sick. I don't mind Harry falling in love. I just wish he would fall for someone with a bit
more personality. Cho is boring. Really boring. Why would Harry fall for her, when
standing right next to her is Luna Lovegood?
Luna is the best! She's crazy, but sweet. She's funny, and wildly creative. She doesn't care
what anyone else thinks. She's got more bravery than she knows what to do with. She is
the wild flower growing amongst the weeds. She is the bird whose song no one can sing.
She is...Luna Lovegood [CUE THE OPENING SONG FROM THE LION KING].
She also happens to be the best character in this book, besides Sirius, Snape, George,
Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Fred. Harry, kiss Luna! Kiss her now, you fool!
But instead, the chapter ends with Harry thinking about tired, yawn-inducing Miss
Chang. Well, Harry, I hope you enjoy living the rest of your life with the world's most
boring witch.
Wotchers: 0 (Book total 7)

Prediction:
Harry ends up marrying Cho. The two have a wonderful life together...
[PHONE RINGS]
CHO: Answer the phone, Harry.
HARRY: [Answers the phone] Hello?
CHO: Harry, can you keep it down? I'm trying to finish this sudoku puzzle.
HARRY: Sorry, honey.
LUNA: [On the other end of the phone] 'Sup H-Dog? Long time no see. I just fought a
bunch of troll-zards. They were part troll, part wizard. Then I discovered a new island
made of magic and wonder. And then Neville and I had a picnic on the back of a giant
flying ferret. And now I'm just chilling out at home with my pet cyclops.
HARRY: That sound fun, Luna. I've been thinking a lot about you lately, and—
CHO [From the other room]: Harry! Shh! You're so loud! You made me mess up my
sudoku. And I'm doing it in pen. Idiot!
LUNA: So what have you been up to, Harry?
HARRY: Well, today I took Cho to see that Jennifer Aniston movie. And then we went
shopping for a new purse for Cho. We thought about buying a new water filter for our
water jug, but we were both kind of tired. Then I suggested having pancakes for dinner,
but Cho said that was ridiculous because pancakes are a breakfast food. So we had salad
instead. Now we're watching Brothers and Sisters, and she's doing her puzzles. She'll be
doing that until bedtime.
LUNA: Oh. Gee. Um…that sounds…really…neat.
HARRY: Tomorrow we're going into town to buy that new water filter.
LUNA: Cool. Tomorrow I'm going into town to buy a magical, wish-granting walrus.
Maybe I'll run into you.
HARRY: I'd like that.
CHO: [From the other room] Harry! Get off the phone! Brothers and Sisters is back on!
And bring me some tea. And don't screw it up like you always do!
LUNA: I'll see you around, Harry. Bye.
HARRY: Sometimes Cho calls me Cedric when we're intimate.
LUNA: What? I didn't hear you?
HARRY: Never mind. [cries softly] Goodbye, Luna.
Chapter Twenty:
Compromise
Better Title: Bella the
Beggar
Sex. See how I wrote

that word? It's an easy
word to type. Sex.
There, I did it again.
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.
Heck, I can even do it
with my eyes closed.
Sdx. Well, you get the
point. Sex is not a bad
word. In fact, it's
perhaps the most
important word, because without sex, we wouldn't be alive. Can we all agree on this?
Great.
So if sex is a nice, important word, why does Stephenie Meyer go out of her way to avoid
using it? Throughout these books, she dances around the topic like a cackling schoolgirl
who doesn't want to get in trouble for being naughty. If Meyer allowed herself to use the
word, this chapter would be three pages long, instead of 26. And I would have finished
this blog an hour ago and gone outside to sit on the porch, enjoying the beautiful weather
as I tried to bend squirrels with my mind.
In this chapter, Bella keeps alluding to sex in the most roundabout ways. Sometimes I
think she's going to actually say the word, but Edward usually cuts her off. It's rather
funny. It's like watching a roller coaster that never quite makes it over the first hill,
leaving on the ride bored, tired, and confused.
Of course, there's a chance I'm wrong, and this entire chapter isn't about sex. Maybe Bella
simply wants to see Edward naked. Or maybe she just wants to wrestle or play
Aggressive Twister. It's all so vague.
In case you can't tell, I didn't enjoy this chapter. Why? I'm glad you asked.
1. Emmett doesn't show up.

2. Jacob doesn't show up.
3. This chapter includes a record-breaking nine murmurs!
4. This chapter includes 67 scenes of kissing and endless talk about souls.
5. After reading Harry Potter last week, I was spoiled by good writing and interesting
characters, neither of which can be found in this chapter.
That said, I can understand how some people may like this chapter. There is a lot of
emotion and romance. The two lovers almost have s-e-x. And it ends with a major plot
development, even if we all saw it coming a mile away. It's not the worst chapter in the
book, but it's clearly not meant for me.
It's like when someone points to a bridge and tells me, "See that bridge, Dan? It's an
engineering marvel!" And I look at the bridge and nod, but secretly I'm thinking about
dinosaurs and time machines. I can't really appreciate the bridge. Bridges are not my cup
of tea. This chapter is a lot like a dumb bridge. Sort of. Does that make sense? I like
triceratopses.
If you wondering why I haven't begun to summarize the events, it's because there isn't
much to summarize in this chapter. Bella and Edward chit-chat about love. Bella wants to
sleep with Edward in the worst way, and thinks this is the perfect opportunity because
they are all alone in the Cullen house. She rips off Edward's clothes, but he stops her.
And they talk, and talk, and talk, and kiss, and kiss, and kiss.
Bella is worried that after she becomes a vamp, sex won't be the same. So she wants to
give it a try before she becomes a Pretty Night Thing That Bites. They end up making a
deal: Edward will have sex with Bella before she turns into a vampire, but only if Bella
marries him first. So they agree to have sex, but not during this chapter. So if you're not
allowed to see or read about sex scenes, go ahead and open your eyes. I'm not going to
describe anything. It's safe.
WIENERS AND BOOBS!
Got ya! Haha.
The chapter ends with Edward proposing to Bella with his mother's engagement ring.
That's sweet. (But Bella, wash it first. It still might have deadly flu germs.) Bella accepts,
and we all say, "Awww," like the studio audience at a sitcom.
OK. The summary is out of the way. Here are ten things I don't understand about this
chapter.
First, Edward is reluctant to have sex with Bella because he's worried he would kill her.
How does he know this? In this chapter, he more or less confirms that he's a virgin. If he's
never had sex, he has no idea how he will react. And even if vampires have crazy, wild,
off-the-wall sex, I find it hard to believe that Eddie couldn't restrain himself a little bit. I
really like apple pie, but when I see one, I don't grab it by the fistful and cram it into my
mouth.
Second, why does Edward give in to Bella's demand? I know he should give in. (Please
see above paragraph for my reasons.) But it doesn't add up. For two and half book he's
been telling us he can't sleep with Bella because it's the most dangerous thing in the entire
world. More dangerous than lava! But now, over the course of a few pages, he's fine with
the idea. It's like when Edward suddenly allowed Bella to hang out with werewolves. He
has these huge shifts in character that can only be explained with, "Well…he just
changed his mind. That's all." If he really thought sex would be dangerous with a human,
he should have put up a better fight.
Third, Edward says they can only have sex if they're married, because he wants to make
sure Bella goes to heaven. Let's say, for the sake of argument, that Edward is right.
Heaven exists and to get in you can only have sex after you're married. Cool. But what do
you think good ole St. Peter is going to say to Bella when she's standing at the pearly
gates?
BELLA: I want to go to heaven, Mr. Peter.

ST. PETER: It's Saint Peter, ma'am. Let me just look over your records. Hmm.
BELLA: Is there anything wrong?
ST. PETER: Well, you lied to your dad a lot. He's a cop. So that's, like, double bad. You
never ever went to church. Oh, and it says here that you let thousands upon thousands of
people die in Italy. You didn't even tell the police, or send the families a sympathy card?
BELLA: Yeah…um, that's because stopping the violence would have been crazy-hard.
Those vampires were mean. One of them could even tell if you had a secret crush on
someone else!
ST. PETER: But you were only sad about it for one afternoon.
BELLA: Yeah. I got over it rather quickly. Eh, no use crying over spilled milk. Don't
hate the player. Hate the game.
ST. PETER: That doesn't make sense.
BELLA: Whatever. I didn't have sex until I was married, so let me up in your fancy
cloud house.
ST. PETER: Oh? I didn't know that! Step right in and grab a harp.
BELLA: Really?
ST. PETER: No. You're going to hell. Bye.
Fourth, isn't there a war going on? Why are we wasting time at a cuddle party? Why
haven't they put Bella on a plane to Antarctica where she will be far away from danger?
Why is Bella still in Forks? I'll award 40 Dan Points to anyone who can answer this. No,
make it 41 Dan Points. I really want to know.
Fifth, the plan to protect Charlie is void of all reason and logic. The war is about to
began, and to make sure Charlie is safe, they send him to La Push, where two young
werewolves are patrolling the area. Fair enough. But Bella tells us that Billy and Charlie
will spend the day sea fishing. Sea fishing? That implies fishing…in the sea. If my
memory is correct, vampires are even more dangerous in the ocean than on land. They're
excellent swimmers. And the werewolves can't patrol the entire ocean. Plus, werewolves
can't (or don't) swim very well because they always let Victoria escape into the sea. So
the plan to keep Charlie protected is to put him in the one area where he is in the greatest
danger? Why not dump gasoline on Charlie and light him on fire to keep him safe?
Sixth, Bella should be evacuating the town, right? She gives her concert tickets to
Angela, Ben, and Mike so these guys will be safe and out of Forks during the war. Bella
is glad to hear that Mike is taking Jessica with them. (Why is Bella so concerned with
mean-bean Jessica?) But she makes no mention of E-rock, Conner, Tyler, that dude
whose name I can't remember but it sounds like a city, or any of the adults? Sorry, guys.
Guess you're all going to die. Don't hate the player. Hate the game.
Seventh, what's with all these stupid deals? First, Edward says Bella can only be turned
into a vampire after she graduates. Then he says he will do the honors himself, but only if
she agrees to marry him. Then Bella says she will stay behind during the war only if
Edward agrees to stay behind with her. Now she says she will only marry Edward if they
have sex before she's a vampire, and Edward says they can have sex but only if she
marries him first. What the hell is going on? Are they lovers, or are they two kids trading
lunches?
BELLA: I will marry you, but only if you give me a pudding.

EDWARD: Agreed. And we can lose our virginity tonight, but that means I get to pick
what movie we're seeing this weekend. Murmur.
Eighth, Bella shouldn't beg for sex. It's weird. She sounds like a crack addict and I'm sure
it's a turnoff for Eddie. From page 448:
"Please," I finally whispered hopeless. "It's all I want. Please."
And few sentences later she says "Please," three more times. Again, because Ms. Meyer
isn't straightforward, I cannot say for certain that Bella is begging for sex. I've heard this
exact same phrase from kids at the grocery story begging their mom or dad to buy the
sugary cereal. Maybe all Bella wants is some Count Chocula.
Ninth, I hate Alice.
And finally, this may sound like your health teacher, but there are many ways a couple
can express themselves physically that do not involve sex. If Bella read a few informative
pamphlets, and Edward had a man-to-man talk with Carlisle, this entire chapter could
have been avoided.
I'm sorry if this became gross or uncomfortable. I tried to keep things professional and
family-friendly. There are a whole list of questions I have regarding vampire
reproduction, but until SparkNotes launches their R-rated website, I'll just keep quiet, and
giggle.

Prediction:
On their wedding night, Edward and Bella may finally take their relationship to the next
level.
BELLA: I want to have….um…

EDWARD: Ah yes. It's time for us to share a special hug.
BELLA: Oh yes! The special hug. I want to special hug you so bad.
EDWARD: Stop! I think we should wait.
BELLA: Wait for what? I graduated high school. We're married. Why should we wait?
EDWARD: I think we should wait until you watch The Sixth Sense.
BELLA: Huh?
EDWARD: Well, you haven't seen it yet. And I have.
BELLA: So?
EDWARD: There's a chance that in the throes of passion, I may lose control of my
senses and accidentally blurt out the ending.
BELLA: …
EDWARD: That's a risk I'm not willing to take, Lamb.
BELLA: Fine. Whatever. I'll watch your dumb movie.
LATER THAT NIGHT
BELLA: Edward, what's taking so long? I'm ready for love.

EDWARD: What's that? I couldn't hear you. I'm busy downloading The Sixth Sense over
this dial-up internet connection.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: It's taking awhile. But it's already at 14%. I don't want to stop it now. I'd
have to start all over again.
BELLA: Are you stalling? Are you afraid of being naked?
EDWARD: Can't hear you, Lamb. I'm downloading! This might take a couple of hours.
You should probably go to bed.
TWO DAYS LATER
BELLA: Why won't you have sex with me!?

EDWARD: Bella! How dare you use that sort of language?
BELLA: I'm tired of waiting, Edward!
EDWARD: I just want to make sure everything is perfect. I may lose control during our
special hug. What if I'm so overcome with lust that I frame you for a murder you didn't
commit? Or what if I can't control myself, and I mistakenly sew your toes together?
BELLA: That's not going to happen. You're just making stuff up because you're scared.
EDWARD: What if, during our special hug, I suddenly gain the ability to breathe fire,
and I accidentally light the bed on fire with my love breath? I better fireproof this whole
room—
BELLA: I'm leaving you, Edward. You're being weird. You obviously don't want to have
"special hugs" with me. I'm going to marry Jacob or Mike. Maybe even E-rock.
EDWARD: Fine. Good. Why don't you go and give special hugs to everyone, you lousy
special hug addict!
BELLA: I can't believe I thought you were cool.
EDWARD: My next lullaby shall be called "Bella Will Give Anyone a Special Hug."
BELLA: Later. Loser…
EDWARD: [SINGING] Bella is a foul-mouthed woman, who smells a lot like rotting
bugs. Her face is dumb, and I hate her, because she'll give anyone special hugs….
Chapter Twenty-One:
Trails
Better Title: Almost a
Good Chapter
Maybe it's the warmer

weather or the longer
days, but I actually
liked this chapter. No.
Strike that. Like is too
strong a word. I less-
hated this chapter. (I
feel the same way diet
pudding and Jurassic
Park 3.)
It begins with Bella waking up in the Cullen house. She is no longer wearing the
engagement ring because she hates the idea of marrying Edward. Or maybe the ring is
impossible to detect with the naked eye. She tells us, "My left hand felt heavier, like [the
ring] was still in place, just invisible." Oh boy. Don't get me started on invisible rings.
Those suckers are never worth the price, and I always end up losing them at the pool.
She reminds us for the umpteenth time that marriage is not really her cup of tea. She'll
only marry Eddie if they do it in Vegas, without much of a ceremony, and she wants to
wear sweatpants during the wedding to really drive the point home that she's not into
matrimony.
I'm surprised she doesn't add, "And when the justice of the peace asks me if I take you as
my husband, I'm going to shrug. And then when it's time to kiss, I'm just going to give
you a fist bump. Also, I'm wearing sweatpants with words on the butt. And I'm not
wearing a shirt. That would be too formal. I'll wear a bikini top or maybe just some tape."
The Cullens return home from their hunting trip. Alice is in a pissy mood. Poor thing is
all flustered by the fact that she can't see the future because the werewolves are involved.
(I'm smiling. I know it's petty of me, but when Alice is sad, it makes me happy, and I
think it makes me taller too.)
Today, Bella and Edward will walk around the woods so Bella can leaves her scent for
the bad vampire army to follow. After that, Jacob will carry her to a hiding spot on the
mountain where she'll camp out until the war is over. That's the plan. Got it? Good.
Alice tells Edward, "I think that you're going to want to pack for cold weather." Why
would Edward need warm clothes? I thought he was a vampire. Maybe I misread
something, and he's not a vampire, just really annoying and pretentious. Is Alice telling
him what to pack for Bella? If so, that's downright rude. Bella is standing right there.
Once again, the Cullens treat Bella like a little kid who not only can't pack her own
suitcase, but probably needs to bring along her Gameboy or else she'll get bored on the
trip. Better pack some crayons, too, and a juice box.
I don't like Bella (duh), but I especially don't like the way the Cullens treat her. They
always act like they're so much better than her. And whenever Bella says something
important, such as, "Victoria is probably behind this whole thing," the Cullens don’t even
care. During these pages, I felt sorry for Bella.
Stop looking at me like that.
Bella calls up Jacob to arrange a meeting place in the forest. When Bella hangs up, she
sees Alice and Edward having a staring contest. Or maybe they're using their dumb
vampires power to chit-chat with each other. Speaking of vampires…WHY DON'T
THEY SEND BELLA TO ANTARCTICA?!
I know. I know. They need to use her scent to leave a trail. I get that. I do. Really. But
after she leaves the trail, Jacob could take her on a plane to the South Pole, where she'd
be safe with the penguins and Anti-Claus (Santa Claus' evil twin, who climbs into your
home through the fridge and takes things…but only if you're good. Instead of flying
reindeer, he rides atop tunneling birds, obviously).
Bella catches the tail end of Alice's argument with Edward, as Alice says, "This isn't
about you, Edward." I bet this is about souls, isn't it?
Actually, it isn't. It's about weddings. Alice hates the idea of Bella getting married in
Vegas. She wants to plan a proper wedding for her, complete with a real minister,
because the Cullens are mean and disrespectful towards Bella's wishes. Alice wears Bella
down after some more arguing and sad faces.
Do you see what I mean about the Cullens? Bella has made it clear that she doesn't want a
wedding. And I believe her. I don't think this is a case of Bella pretending not to want a
wedding but secretly hoping someone throws her a surprise ceremony. (Unlike that time I
told everyone I didn't want an ant farm for my birthday, but secretly I wanted one in the
worst possible way. Still do…kind of. But whatever. Ant farms are dumb. I don't want
one. No, really. They're so dumb and childish. Especially the cool ones made with blue
gel. Those are super dumb. They're also on sale at the learning store. They're probably on
sale because they're so dumb.)
Bella hates weddings. But Alice forces one on her. Is this as bad as kidnapping Bella just
so Alice could get a fancy Porsche? No. It's only a party, after all. But the idea of treating
Bella like a puppy still bothers me. I may be oversensitive today. By the way, you should
know I'm sobbing right now, and whimpering, "Leave Bella alone."
The worn-down Bella succumbs to Alice's wishes, and Alice prances off to buy glitter,
flowers, salad, lip gloss, shoes, and other items a stereotypical girly-girl would buy after
winning an argument.
Before she leaves, Alice asks to see the ring, but Bella says she's not wearing it. (Or is it
invisible? Hmm.) Alice then makes some vague comment that Edward has already given
Bella diamond jewelry. We'll later learn that the heart charm Edward gave Bella is
probably one big diamond.
Note to self: Rob Bella.
Another note to self: Ask Emmett to teach me how to kill a man with a bubble wand…
because no one would expect to be killed with a bubble wand. Therefore it's the perfect
weapon.
With the camping gear packed, Edward and Bella head out into the forest to leave the
false trail. Edward tells Bella which way to walk, and as they proceed, she drops strands
of hair and touches trees to make sure her stink is everywhere. I can't think of anything
funny to say about that. So apropos of nothing: Sometimes I look at trees and wonder if
they're just growing or if they're trying to slowly escape Earth.
They talk about weddings. Edward is sorry for Alice's behavior. He offers a compromise
and says that even if Alice plans the event, it can still be a small, intimidate gathering,
and Emmett could even become ordained online and perform the ceremony himself.
Emmett! Hi Emmett! Oh. Wait. He's not really there. They're just talking about him. Eh.
Whatever.
I would love to go to the Church of Emmett. His sermons wouldn't deal with boring
matters of faith, temptation, and redemption. They would deal with karate, how to catch
an arrow in your bare hands, and giant sand worms. After the service, everyone would
probably get fireworks and orange-drink.
After a bit of walking, they reach the clearing where the good vampires will wait for the
bad vampires. Bella trips and cuts her hand open on the ground. Oh crap! Jasper's going
to run out and eat her! It was nice knowing you, Bella.
The End
Hmm. Jasper? You there, buddy? No?
Damn.
Edward offers to help clean Bella's wound, but she won’t let him. Instead, she uses her
bloody hand to leave an even smellier trail, as she slathers blood on nearby rocks and
trees. You have to admire her work ethic, but I must ask: Why doesn't she pee all over the
place too? And with that, my lemonade has become infinitely less delicious.
She finally allows Edward to look at the wound. He says he's no longer tempted by her
blood because…um…I don't know. Let's say he was struck by wizard lightning. The real
reason makes even less sense. (Hint: It's about love.)
The two forever buddies then meet up with Jacob in the woods. Jake will carry Bella to
the hiding place while Edward navigates a different path so as not to mix up the werewolf
scent.
And this is where the chapter really worked for me. Jacob acts cocky. A bit too cocky.
But I dig it. I've said it before, but there's a certain Han Solo vibe about him, and it's even
more obvious as he jogs with Bella in his arms. Watch The Empire Strikes Back, and tell
me you don't see Jacob as Han and Bella as a whinier, less confident version of Princess
Leia. Go on, watch it.
You're not watching it, are you? Why are you being so difficult today? Is this about my
hat? I don't care what others think. I'm wearing it!
Throughout this trek, Jake says Bella has a big crush on him, but she doesn't realize it yet.
She denies the allegation. She's still ticked off about his forced kiss. But Jacob doesn't
give up.
That's the difference between Jacob, Edward, and Mike Newton. Jacob is filled with
amazing self-confidence. Edward is filled with clichéd, generic greeting card emotions.
And Mike acts like a nerdy baby bird who is too afraid to fly. They all have different
approaches to kissing a girl.
JACOB: You. Me. Kissing. Let's do this!

EDWARD: My heart is like an ocean of love drowning in an ocean of passion. Softly
part thy lips and let me whisper darkness into your soul.
MIKE: Um…do you think that maybe, if you're not busy, that maybe…you could put
your lips, like, on my lips for like a few seconds? Or whatever. I'm just kidding.
Whatever. I have to go now. Marry me? Just kidding. Sort of. Whatever.
And that's why I like Jacob. Sure, he's a bit of an ass. But this book needs more of that.
Jacob and Emmett are the only characters who have a speck of personality. Everyone else
acts like a mannequin. I know a lot of people love Edward. But answer me this, Ed-fans:
if you had a chance to hang out with him, what, exactly, would you talk about?
FAN: OMG! I think you're cute and brave.

EDWARD: Thanks.
FAN: …
EDWARD: …
FAN: So. What do you like to do?
EDWARD: I don't sleep because I'm a vampire.
FAN: Uh-huh.
EDWARD: …
FAN: What are your interests?
EDWARD: I once had the flu and I'm also good at high school.
FAN: Neat. [Yawns]
EDWARD: …
FAN: I'm going to go now. My mom is picking me up in three hours. I better wait
outside.
Now imagine yourself hanging out with either Emmett or Jacob. You're smiling, aren't
you? See what I mean?
Jake lugs Bella through the trees, and continues to remind her that he's much better than
Edward. He brags and says she can't resist his hot, super tight body. I guess you could
read this and say Jacob is being a narcissistic jerk. But I read it as if he's goofing around.
Besides, it's not like he spends all day looking in the mirror. The dude can't help it that
he's a walking fitness model, just as I can't help it that my shins are so sexy it's almost a
crime. (It's both a gift and a curse.)
But Jacob says he won't fight Edward for Bella, at least not tonight. He knows that they'll
need all available warriors to stop the newborn vampire army. This makes Bella cringe,
because the spoiled brat has demanded that Edward stay behind during the battle.
She tells Jacob this, and he's a bit confused. Bella tries to explain herself, saying that she
can't risk losing Edward. Jake thinks it over and says, "That doesn't mean he loves you
more than I do."
Bella replies, "But you wouldn't stay with me, even if I begged."
You're damn right he wouldn't stay with you, Belly. You're a fool. You're a greedy fool
who wants the entire world to bend to your every wish. The fact that Edward agreed to
stay with you doesn't mean he loves you. It means he's an easily manipulated idiot. You
could tell him to do anything, and if you begged enough, he would.
BELLA: Eddie, will you kill all the birds in the world? I don't like them because they
don't have hands.
EDWARD: Um…I don’t think I can do that.
BELLA: Pweeeeese?
EDWARD: OK. Where does Emmett keep his bird sword?
That's not love. Love isn't about being bossed around. It's about communication,
understanding, and knowing who you will sit with on the roller coaster so that you don't
have the awkward "I'm sitting with Sarah, but who's sitting with Leroy?" debate moments
before the ride starts.
Bella changes the subject and they talk about werewolf lineage. Jacob says he should be
the Alpha Male of the werewolves, since his great grandfather was the first werewolf. But
when Sam offered Jake the role of leader, Jacob refused. He's not ready for the
responsibility. Yet.
They eventually find Edward, who has set up camp. A bad storm is moving in and Jacob ,
Edward, and Bella get ready to camp out. Oh man. I bet the next chapter turns into an all-
out orgy!

Prediction:
The next chapter is an all-out orgy. And by orgy, I mean "awkward talky-time."
EDWARD: Bella, you need to get some rest. Brush your teeth and moisturize your skin.
And don't forget to floss.
BELLA: OK.
JACOB: Why do you tell Bella what to do all the time?
EDWARD: Because if I don't, she'll die.
JACOB: You're not giving her a chance.
EDWARD: Fine. You think she can survive on her own? Check this out. [To Bella]
Lamb, Jake and I are going to step outside of the tent for a minute. You'll be fine on your
own, right?
BELLA: Yeppers!
[Jacob and Edward leave for one minute and then return to find Bella covered in blood
and missing a foot]
EDWARD: What happened?

BELLA: Well, I wasn't sure if I should cut off my own foot or not. And Eddie wasn't
around to tell me to stop. So…
JACOB: But…but…but…
BELLA: It's all good. My foot doesn't hurt. Just the part where my foot connected to my
leg hurts. So I don't think I need to see a doctor.
JACOB: But…but…but…
BELLA: And I brushed the wound with toothpaste because the bone looked like a tooth
to me. Then I used your cellphone to wire all my money to some needy man named
SpAMFILE.
JACOB: But…I…
BELLA: I may have also become addicted to opiates. Not really sure yet.
JACOB: We were only gone for a minute!
BELLA: Wait. Hold on. Um…yep. I'm addicted to opiates. Weird, right?
EDWARD: [Turns to Jacob] Now do you understand?
JACOB: I…but…
BELLA: Do you have any opiates? Or foot glue?
Chapter Twenty-Two:
Fire and Ice
Better Title: The
Pleasure Tent
Whoa boy. Anyone else

feeling warm? [Fans
himself] This chapter is
filled with sexual
tension, and not the
lousy "Edward Can't
Sleep With Bella" kind,
either. It's spilling over
with Jacob-Tension, or
Jension, as I like to call
it. And it all takes place
in the confines of a tiny, crowded tent, under a hot and sweaty sleeping bag. Light a
candle and put on some Prince music; it's about to get a little Jexual up in here.
It's two in the morning on the eve of the big battle, and Bella is hiding inside a tent up on
the mountains. Edward is by her side, and Jacob is just outside the tent keeping guard.
But the storm has dropped the temperature to such a degree that Bella can't sleep. She lies
awake, chattering her teeth in the freezing tent.
Why didn't they hide Bella in—gosh, I don't know—a house? Or even a car with a
working heater? Why does she need to be outside in the elements? What possible benefit
could this have?
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: We will kill Bella!

EVIL VAMPIRE 2: Yes, she will soon be destroyed!
EVIL VAMPIRE 3: Unless, of course, she's inside a tent. In which case, we're totally
screwed.
EVIL VAMPIRE 1: But I thought tents didn't really exist. I thought it was just a story
vampire moms told their vampire children to scare them.
EVIL VAMPIRE 2: No! Not tents! Anything but tents! [Kills himself]
Ed mockingly suggests that Wolf Jacob fetch Bella a space heater. You can probably tell
what's about to happen. Wolf Jacob transforms back into Half-Naked Human Jacob and
offers to snuggle up with Bella in her seemingly useless sleeping bag.
At first Edward and Bella object, but Jacob knows this is the only way to keep Bella safe
from hypothermia and frost bite. So, the shirtless Jacob slides into the sleeping bag with
Bella, and holds her close to his warm, muscular body. Oh my.
He begins to run his hot hands all over her body. Oh my.
He even suggests Bella remove her clothing to help speed up the warming process. Oh
my!
But she doesn't. Oh no.
Bella is still angry with Jacob for the bad kiss from a few chapters ago, and for his cocky
attitude during their trip to the camp. She's in no mood to have his massive body rubbing
up against her chilly frame. But she can't resist his warmth, and after a few moments, she
finds herself holding him and rubbing her feet against his hot god-like legs. I mean "hot"
as in temperature, not attractiveness. I'm straight. And when I call his legs god-like it's
not because I admire them, it's because that's what guys do. Like talking about sports and
trucks, we often compare each others' body parts to gods.
What?
All the while, Edward must watch. And I'm smiling. And now I'm laughing. It's fun to see
Edward be so utterly useless and pitiful as he watches his enemy cuddle his girlfriend like
a snake cuddling its prey.
Plus, Edward is forced to read Jacob's mind during this sweaty, sexy grope-a-thon, so he
knows all of Jake's wild thoughts and fantasies regarding Belly. You almost feel bad for
Edward. But then you remember that he's the idiot who thought the best place to hide
wouldn't be inside a nice hotel, but up on a mountain. So deal with it, Lullaby Lad.
You've made your bed, now watch Bella and Jacob lie in it.
Eventually, Bella is warm enough that her muscles relax and she asks Jacob a weird
question: Why is his wolf fur much longer than the wolf fur of all the other werewolves?
Huh?
Of all the questions I have for the werewolves, asking about their hair length doesn't even
crack my top fifteen. And because I know you're wondering, here are my top fifteen
questions I will ask a werewolf when I meet one:
1. Can you tell me which muscles I need to flex to become a werewolf?
2. Why not?
3. Please?
4. What's it like being amazing?
5. Can you time travel?
6. Could you eat a dinosaur?
7. Are you sure you can't time travel?
8. Do you have a best friend?

9. How do you keep your fur from catching fire when you use jet packs?
10. If a werewolf turns into a wolf while she's pregnant, does the fetus also transform?
11. When in wolf form, you read each other's minds. But do you also see what other
werewolves are seeing? If so, you could save a lot of money by only sending one wolf to
the movies, while the other wolves simply stayed home and read that wolf's mind.
12. If someone staples your tail to a tree while you're in wolf form, what would happen
when you transform back into a human? Would the tail still be stapled to the tree?
13. Where does your tail go?
14. Ke$ha sucks, right?
15. What song should we sing at karaoke night?
But Bella takes the opportunity to ask why Jacob's wolf fur is long. *sigh*
What's even more disappointing is Jacob's answer: his wolf fur is longer because his
human hair is longer than the other tribe members' hair.
Okaaaay...
So by that logic, werewolf Leah must have shorter hair than Jacob. Right? Does Leah
shave her head? If she had long hair, she wouldn't be able to run as a wolf. She'd just be a
pile of fur, like Robin Williams but funnier. (Zing!)
But forget about Leah for the moment. Why would your head hair have any impact on the
length of your body hair? When a werewolf transforms, does his scalp spread out over his
entire body? What if he's bald? What if he dyes his hair? I need to revise my werewolf
questionnaire.
Anyway, Jacob says he's growing his hair out because he thought Bella liked it that way.
Bella can finally rest easy, now that she knows all the secrets about wolf hair. As she's
about to doze off, she hears Edward and Jacob chit-chatting. She keeps her eyes closed,
but listens in to their conversation.
Because Edward can read Jacob's mind, Jake thinks it's only fair that Edward answer a
few questions. Eddie agrees, and for the rest of the chapter these two monsters have a
very civilized conversation about love, because that's what two monsters do when they're
together. (Sarcasm hand is raised)
This is ridiculous. We all know that Stephenie Meyer has a tin ear for dialogue, so I won't
attack her yet again for the awkward words these two guys say to each other. But this
entire scene is as forced and unnatural as a llama in a evening gown.
This would never happen. Jacob would never have a heart-to-heart with Edward. And
Edward would never be so forthcoming about his deepest desires to the one man he
thinks has the potential to steal Bella away from him. I'm surprised the conversation
didn't include:
EDWARD: My heart belongs to Bella, and yet I'm jealous of your friendship with her.
By the way, my pin number is 50202, and my email password is Lullaby-Guy18.
And if you're going to tell your sworn enemy how much you love Bella, you probably
shouldn't do it while your sworn enemy is dry-humping the love of your life. How can
anyone read this section and keep a straight face?
I'm tempted to march down to the movie theater and buy an advance ticket to Eclipse just
so I can see this scene on the big screen. And then I want to buy the DVD just to watch
the bonus feature "Love Tent: Making the Most Awkward Scene In Cinema History,"
which will no doubt include this bit of behind-the-scenes footage:
ROBERT PATTINSON: Sorry mate, but it says in the script that I'm going to tell Jacob
how much I love Bella.
DIRECTOR: Yep.
PATTINSON: But Jacob is grinding on Bella, right?
DIRECTOR: Yeah, to keep her warm.
PATTINSON: It don't make no sense, mate.
KRISTEN STEWART: [Fidgets]
TAYLOR LAUTNER: Why would Jacob ask Edward about love at all? Jacob doesn't
care about Edward. He just wants Bella. These two shouldn't be having any sort of
conversation. It's weird. Guys don't talk like this.
DIRECTOR: But in the book…
PATTINSON: Sharkboy is right. This scene is bollocks.
KRISTEN STEWART: [Twitches]
DIRECTOR: But the audience wants to see it. It's provocative, and filled with jension!
PATTINSON: What the bloody 'ell is "jension"?
DIRECTOR: "Jacob Tension." I read it on this amazing blog written by the handsome
wordsmith Daniel Adam Bergstein.
PATTINSON: Oh right. Danny B. I know him. He is really handsome. Strong too.
DIRECTOR: He has great taste in music, and his wrists are adequate.
LAUTNER: I wish I were him.
KRISTEN STEWART: [Touches her hair in spastic manner]
The conversation in the book is rambling, and doesn't tell us anything new. But I'll
paraphrase the information in traditional magazine interview format, with Jacob's
questions in bold.
JACOB: Are you jealous of me?

EDWARD: Yep. Bella enjoys spending time with you. It makes me sad.
Does it bug you that you can't read Bella's mind?

No. Bella would be sad if I could read her mind. I don't like Bella when she's sad.
Why did you suddenly become a nice guy and allow Bella to visit La Push?
Because she was sad.
If Bella changed her mind and picked me over you, would you kill me?
No. That would make her sad.
What did it feel like when you left her during the last book?
"That's very difficult for me to talk about. " <----(Direct quote from the book)
Tell me, Lord of the Lullabies.

It made me feel sad.
What did it feel like when you thought Bella killed herself?
"I can't tell you how it felt. There aren't words." <--- (Direct quote from the book)
Tell me, dummy.

It made me feel double sad.
How will I feel when Bella becomes a vampire?

You will feel double sad.
Do you want Bella to become a vampire?

It's my only option if I wish to remain un-sad. (Edward then goes on and on about how
much he loves Bella.)
It might be better if Bella loved me instead of you. Do you understand that?

Yes. And it makes me sad.
Well, I can see that you love Bella a lot. Thank you for your time.
Are you sad? Don't be sad.
And that's pretty much it. During the Q&A, Seth the werewolf arrives, and hangs out in
the woods near the tent keeping guard. I'm just mentioning this so in the next blog, when
I start writing about how awesome Wolf Seth is, you're not shouting, "Yo, Dan Booger-
stein, who the hell is Seth and when did he arrive to the camp site?!"
After the man-to-man talk, Edwards says he and Jacob could become friends if they
weren't natural enemies. (And again, I don’t know why the good vampires hate the
werewolves.) Jacob just laughs it off and calls Edward a disgusting vampire. Jacob rules.
Then Edward wants to ask Jacob a question. He's curious why Bella mentioned "the third
wife" in her sleep the other night.
Isn't The Third Wife a drama on CBS about a middle-aged divorced woman trying to
make it in this crazy world? No? Oh…now I remember. It's that clichéd story about a
woman who sacrificed herself to save the one she loved.
Edward reads Jacob's mind to learn the story and both of them realize Bella has plans to
join tomorrow's battle, even if it means she'll get hurt or double sad. So they'll need to
stop her.
The two monsters bicker a bit. Jacob eggs Edward on by asking him to leave the tent to
give Jacob and Bella some alone time. Edward asks if Jacob wants to fight and Jake, who
is still hugging Bella so tightly it's almost a "special hug," responds with, "I'd rather not
move just now, if you don't mind."
Gotta love Jacob.

Prediction:
After the night of warmth spent with Jacob, Bella seems a bit more enthused by his
presence.
EDWARD: So do you want to catch a movie today?

BELLA: Sure. Can I bring Jacob?
EDWARD: Um…I guess. Why?
BELLA: It might be cold in the movie theater. You don't want me to get frostbite, do
you?
EDWARD: No. That makes sense. I'll call Jacob and tell him to meet us at the theater.
BELLA: I better change into my underpants.
EDWARD: What?
BELLA: Jacob says it's easier to warm me up if I'm not wearing clothes. I'm only doing
it to stay warm, silly.
EDWARD: All right. I suppose that's OK.
THE NEXT DAY
EDWARD: Would you like to go for a hike today?

BELLA: Sure. Can I bring Jacob?
EDWARD: What for? It's a balmy 73 degrees outside. You don't need his man-warmth.
BELLA: I know that. But I need him to kiss me while we hike.
EDWARD: Why!?
BELLA: Because Jacob said that bees could fly into my mouth and sting my intestines
unless he protects me by sealing up my mouth with an open-mouth kiss.
EDWARD: But I could kiss you instead.
BELLA: No. The kiss needs to be air tight, and sealed with saliva. You don't have saliva,
because you're a vampire.
EDWARD: Hmmm…
BELLA: We could go without him, if you don't mind bees stinging my intestines. It's up
to you.
EDWARD: No, we better call Jacob.
BELLA: I'll change into my underpants…
EDWARD: Huh?
BELLA: It's a bee thing. You wouldn't understand.
Chapter Twenty-
Three: Monster
Better Title:
Whaaaaaaaat?
Hey, Jacob. How's it

going? Remember a while
back when we had that
chat about force kissing,
and I said you should
never force kiss someone?
Disregard what I said.
Apparently Bella loves
force kissing. I'm as
confused as you are.
Sincerely,
Dan
P.S.
Where does your tail go when you're not a wolf?
P.P.S.
Do you want to see Iron Man 2 with me and Emmett? Let me know, because I'm buying the
tickets in advance. Emmett said he can drive us.
Wow, folks. I'm not really sure what to say. These books have been as predictable as a
train schedule (only less interesting), but I did not see this coming. At the end of the
chapter, Bella and Jacob lock lips for an impressive four pages. Four pages! It's rough,
raw, and raunchy. And when it's done, both Bella and I are left speechless and sobbing.
She's crying about her mixed emotions. I'm crying because this chapter makes about as
much sense as Grandma's emails. (She writes the entire email in the subject line. Poor
thing.)
It's the morning after the snuggle party between Jacob and Bella, and everyone is in a
foul mood, especially Edward. Bella wakes up feeling hot and sweaty after a night spent
in the warm embrace of Mr. Black. Edward frees her from the sleeping bag and in doing
so, Jacob spills out of the sleeping bag and onto the cold floor of the tent.
He immediately rolls back onto Bella, and that's when Edward flips out. He tosses Jacob
across the tent, which sounds impressive, but unless these guys are sleeping inside one of
those tents from Harry Potter, Edward only threw Jacob about six inches.
The two guys bicker, and for the 728th time in this book, they have a standoff. Bella
calms them down, and Jacob leaves. (Or so we think.) Is it weird that I write these blogs
as if we all don't know what's going to happen? Is it weird that I write this blogs while
wearing a monkey shirt and listening to Enya?
With some time to kill, Edward and Bella begin listing the best nights of their lives. They
don't mention $1 hot dog night at the bowling alley, so I'm assuming that was a bigger
deal to me than to others.
Bella says one of her favorites was the night they flew home from Italy. You remember
that night, right? It was just after Bella and Edward let a few dozen innocent people die in
the Volturi's death chamber. That truly was a magical, romantic evening…as the Volturi
slaughtered their victims, one of whom was probably a sweet young girl who came to
Italy to live with her aunt after her parents were killed in a war. Ah, romance…
Edward agrees that that night was indeed precious, but one of his favorite nights was two
days ago, when Bella agreed to marry him. And this is what sets off a series of
inexplicable events. I dare you to find the logic in what happens next. I double dog dare
you. No. Strike that. I double moose dare you! (Moose are just big dogs, right? Why am I
even asking? Of course I'm right.)
First, Wolf Jacob howls in agony. It turns out he's been listening to this entire
conversation outside the tent. He didn't know that Bella was engaged, and the news
shocks him so much that he screams.
Let's stop here. Why is Jacob eavesdropping? I'd like to remind everyone that there's a
war going on with the evil vampires. A war! A war that we've been waiting to see for the
past 512 pages. A war with evil vampires we're told are so dangerous that the only way to
defeat them is by using Jasper's patented "Move Sideways" technique. A war that Edward
refused to participate in because Bella was sad. A war that can only be won if Jacob
fights. Yeah…remember that war?
So if this big important war is happening within the hour, why would Jacob take time to
sit around the tent spying? It's not as if he suspected Edward was going to reveal a big
secret. What did Jacob hope to learn?
BELLA: I love you.

EDWARD: I'm going to get Jacob a new basketball pump for his birthday. Don't tell
him. It's a surprise.
BELLA: I love you.
EDWARD: And just between you and me, I cried at the end of 101 Dalmatians and 102
Dalmatians.
WOLF JACOB: [snicker]
EDWARD: Did you hear that?
BELLA: I love you.
And if there was a big secret that Jacob hoped to learn, he would have learned it anyway
through Seth. Seth is right there, in wolf form, hearing everything. This means that Jacob
is hearing everything too, because werewolves, like two-thirds of the monsters in this
book, have convenient brain powers. That noise you hear is my nonsense alarm beeping,
along with my confusion bell ringing and my pizza horn honking. (Pizza is ready!)
Jacob shouldn't waste time like this. He should be gearing up for battle, sharpening his
crossbow arrows, priming the engine on his jetpack, and, above all else, stretching.
Do you know why Napoleon lost the battle of Waterloo? Moments before it began, he
was eavesdropping on this girl he liked, instead of stretching. During the battle, he
cramped up and thus lost the war. If your history teacher calls me a liar, it's only because
your history teacher is afraid of the truth.
This scene doesn't add up. So right away, I'm throwing the book across the room in anger.
But it gets worse. Let's move on to Jacob's scream.
Jacob loves Bella, and the news that she is going to marry Edward must have been hard
to hear. But he wouldn't cry out in horror. He might grunt in disapproval, or grumble. But
the book says Jacob let loose an "earsplitting howl of pain."
Unrequited love would NOT cause Jacob to scream. I can't think of anyone who would
scream like that unless they were being dipped in acid as they watched Wild Hogs. Jacob
is tough. He's rugged. I don't call him The Thunder because he cries like a baby. I call
him The Thunder because he's a force of nature.
This scream is out of character. Maybe in the next chapter we'll learn that Emmett loves
math more than kickboxing, and Mike Newton isn't a serial killer. I think Ms. Meyer
needed a way to weaken Jacob and make him vulnerable. Her choices were either A)
force him to scream like an over-dramatic donkey, or B) make him wear Hello Kitty
socks with pom-poms.
I could almost understand Jacob's yelp if this were the first time he was learning about
Bella and Edward's love. But Jake spent last night listening to Edward go on and on about
how great it is being forever buddies with Bella. Plus, Jacob already knew Bella planned
on becoming a vampire. So why is Jake screaming like a teething baby now? This is old
news.
EDWARD: Hey Jake, just so you know, I love Bella and she loves me.
JAKE: That's cool. Whatever.
BELLA: And I'm going to spend eternity with Edward and not you.
JAKE: Neat.
BELLA: Edward and I like each other a whole lot.
JAKE: Noooooooooo! Agh! Ragh! Agh! Noooooooo! No no no! Noooooo! Wha! Wha!
If Jake screams like this about love, I'd hate to see what happens when he hits his funny
bone.
So Jacob yells, and now Bella feels horrible that he found out about the engagement this
way. She wants to run out and apologize and talk to him. But Edward says Jake is already
miles away, and it wouldn't help the war if Bella got herself lost in the woods looking for
him.
Hey Ed, do you know what would help win the war? If you left Bella and actually joined
the fight, you wishy-washy emo dork-nugget.
Edward offers to go find Jacob and bring him back to camp so Bella can talk to him face
to face. And again, I'm hurling this book across the room with so much force I fear the
book may permanently bond with the wall on a molecular level.
This is beyond foolish. It's boolish. There is a war happening. Jacob needs to fight in the
war. Jacob wants to fight in the war. But because Bella is sad, Edward is going to stop
Jacob from participating and drag him back to the tent just so Bella can talk about her
feelings. People are about to die, you boolish, boolish dork-nuggets!
As Bella waits for Eddie to return with Jacob, she passes the time by looking at Wolf
Seth, who I suspect is thinking, "I can't believe these people are wasting time talking
about love when my family members are probably going to be murdered."
For a few pages, her mind wanders. My mind wanders too as I think to myself: I look at
birds and wonder what it's like to fly. Do birds look at me and wonder what it's like to use
scissors? Probably. Probably…
Anyway.
Edward and Jacob return. Edward needs to talk with Seth about some new information
regarding the battle, leaving Bella alone to talk with Jake. Jake isn't in the mood, and says
he needs to go soon to join the fight. Finally, someone makes sense.
Bella apologizes for…um…I don't really know. Why did she call Jacob back from the
battle? She basically says, "I'm sorry that I love Edward and that you know about it."
Why did she need to talk to him right now? Couldn't this have waited? Did I mention
there is a war about to happen? Jake needs to stretch. Does no one care about proper
muscle health?
Bella calls herself a rotten person. She says, "I'm sorry I've been so selfish." Hey Bella,
you know what else is selfish? Making a strong warrior leave a battle just so you can
chit-chat and feel better about yourself. I hate Bella.
She admits that she wasn't being fair to Jacob and his feelings, and to make things better,
she will leave and Jacob will never need to see her again. That's her apology? She's going
to make Jacob feel better by cutting him out of her life? Yeesh. If Jacob came to Bella
with a head cold, she'd probably heal him by running over his foot with her truck.
And then things become even more unbelievable. Jacob says that Bella shouldn't be the
only one willing to make a sacrifice, and he says that during the battle he will kill himself
heroically, thus solving all their problems.
At least, I think that's what Jake says. It's so hard to make sense of this conversation
because Ms. Meyer tiptoes around major details like some lousy poet who thinks it's
more artistic and fancy if you allude to events than if you actually mention them.
So instead of Jake saying, "I will commit suicide," he says, "There's a pretty serious fight
brewing down there. I don't think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the
picture."
When I first read it, I didn't know if this meant Jacob was going to:
Kill himself.
Leave the fight to stay with Bella.
Leave everyone, even his family.
Take a photo and digitally erase himself from it.
But after reading this exchange a few times, it's clear that if Jacob can't have Bella, he'd
rather die in battle than live knowing Bella will marry a vampire.
Bella begs him to reconsider suicide, and offers to do anything to save Jacob's life.
Anything! Quick, Jacob, ask for a skateboard. No, wait! Ask for some money and a
skateboard…and pizza…and a PlayStation 3...and a Slurpee machine that never breaks…
and a bucket, because you can always use a bucket, and some more money!
Instead, Jacob wants a kiss. (sigh) And Bella agrees. (double sigh)
Kids, leave the room. The chapter becomes extremely PG-13 at this point.
Jacob's kiss makes Edward's kisses look like handshakes. He goes in with all gusto,
grabbing her hair and wrist as he plants a big wet one on her mouth. There's so much
passion and lust in these four pages that even though their clothes remain intact, I'm
pretty sure Bella became pregnant.
At first, Bella doesn't kiss back. After a while, she fights him off, trying to send Jacob the
message that the kiss is over. And then…she gives in to wanton desire and kisses him
with all her might. There's rubbing, and nuzzling, and you can almost hear a soulful 70's
song playing in the background. It's by far the hottest scene in this book series.
It's also the most hilarious thanks to this gem of a mind-thought from Bella as she finally
realizes she loves Jacob:
"His pain had always been and would always be my pain - now his joy was my joy. I felt
joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain."
Sorry. I'm going to need a minute here. I'm laughing so hard that no noise is coming from
my mouth. I think the laugh is at such a high pitch that it's upsetting the neighborhood
dogs and bats. And now I'm crying with laughter…that is also happiness and somehow
also pain, but a pain that is also the joy of happiness mixed with other pain.
Quick. Give me a tattoo needle and some aspirin. I want this quote permanently injected
into the back of my hand so that I whenever I'm sad, I need only look down in order to
double over with laughter.
Phew. Anyway, after the kiss, Jacob is about to leave, but gives Bella a second, more
delicate kiss. And then Jacob returns to the battle. And if you didn't say to yourself,
"Daaaaamn!" after this chapter, you're lying.

Prediction:
Jacob is fighting in the battle. Minutes later, he feels a tap on his shoulder.
EDWARD: Hey Jake.

JACOB: What's up? Is there a problem?
EDWARD: Sort of. Bella wants to talk to you again.
JACOB: But the war…
EDWARD: Yeah, I know. But she's being double-sad. I hate to see her like this.
Jacob and Edward go back to camp.
BELLA: Jacob! I need to talk to you.

JACOB: Are you OK?
BELLA: Yep. I wanted you to know that I like you as a friend.
JACOB: Um…great. Listen, I need to get back to the fight. Quil was just murdered. It's
not looking good.
BELLA: [Annoyed] Fine. Whatever.
Jacob leaves. Moments later, Edward taps his shoulder again and takes him back to Bella.
JACOB: This better be important. The bad vampires have Embry and Esme surrounded.
Jasper is dead. And Sam had his arm torn off.
BELLA: Do you like corn on the cob, or off the cob? I like corn off the cob. I wanted
you to know that.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Because corn on the cob is fun to eat, but then you get all those corn pieces in
your teeth.
JACOB: …
BELLA: I like peas. Do you like peas?
Jacob just walks away. He returns to the battle and sees that the bad vampires have
slaughtered everyone, including all the citizens of Forks. As he stares at the carnage, a
single tear falls from his eye while an evil vampire stabs him in the chest with a broken
rusty pipe. Jacob falls to the ground. As he dies, he sees Edward approaching.
JACOB: Help…me…
EDWARD: Bella wants to talk to you.
JACOB: Losing...blood...
EDWARD: I'm not going to carry you. That'd be weird. You'll need to crawl up the
mountain.
At the campsite.
BELLA: I think Ben Stiller is a pretty good actor, given the right role. I wanted you to
know that.
JACOB: I…hate…you...
BELLA: I hope we can still be friends after you die.
JACOB: …
BELLA: Where does your tail go when you turn back into a human?
Snap Decision
Better Title: Though
I've Only Just Met Him,
Seth is My New Best
Friend
Dear Werewolf Seth,
Hi! You don't know me.

My name is Dan and I
like Robocop and
pancakes. I'm writing
this letter to inform you
that you are officially
my second favorite
character in this book series, beating out Jacob and coming in just behind Emmett "The
Pain Maker" Cullen. And if you continue being awesome, who knows, you may take over
the coveted number one spot. (Emmett, if you're reading this, I'm totally kidding. We
cool?)
Anyway, keep up the great work.
Sincerely,
Dan
P.S.
I'm going to call you The Fury. Hope that's all right.
I know. I know. I started another blog by writing a letter to a fictional character. Sorry,
but I couldn't hold back my feelings. Seth is amazing! He saved the day! He's like a
superhero. Strike that. He is a superhero. Of course, that also means he saved Bella and
Edward and allowed them to continue having love discussions for an entire fourth book,
but I'll forgive him, because he tore off a vamp's arm. That's right, folks, he tore off an
evil vampire's arm…with his mouth! Think about that!
Have you ever tried to rip off someone's arm with your mouth? Believe me, it's not easy.
(Especially if they're wearing denim.) It would probably take you a good 45 minutes to
get the job done, but little Seth Clearwater tore off an arm in less than a sentence! I don't
know what's more surprising, the fact that Stephenie Meyer created a wonderful
character, or the fact that no one has built a statue in Seth's honor.
Sure…Edward does some mildly interesting things in this chapter too. But I didn't care
about Edward's fight, mostly because I don't care about Edward. I lost interest in him the
moment he said, "Blah blah blah passion. Blah blah souls." But Seth? Seth is a 15-year-
old kid who has only recently been transformed into a werewolf. He has never killed or
even fought a vampire before. Newborn vampires are stronger, meaner, and faster than
regular vampires, and Seth Clearwater chewed up a newborn one like he was eating a
chicken dinner. That's why Seth's actions are far more impressive than dumb ol'
Edward's.
The chapter doesn't start off with limb removal and beheadings, but instead with Bella
thinking about her X-rated kiss with Jacob. I'm very worried about Bella's mental health.
Her emotions range from sadness, to anger, to lust, to sadness again, all over the course
of a single page. I haven't seen a person change like that since I held auditions for the
one-woman show I wrote entitled, "Hear Me, Lisa: The Story of Alien Mind Possession."
Bella feels guilty and wishes an avalanche would crush her so she wouldn't have to face
Edward. He returns from chatting with Seth, and after reading Seth's mind, knows all
about the kiss. Things might get a little Jersey Shore up in here.
But guess what. Edward doesn't care and says that the kiss wasn't Bella's fault. He simply
tells her, "You're only human." Well damn, girl. What are you waiting for? Go give Jacob
a special hug. Eddie won't mind. You're only human, after all. This should solve
everything!
But it doesn't solve anything.
And with that, please make sure the lap bar is secure and hands are inside the car at all
times as we begin riding Bella's emotional rollercoaster. First, she yells at Edward,
demanding that he yell at her. She wants to be scolded. She wants him to flip out. But he
doesn't. I don't think Edward knows how to yell. He's one of those guys at the baseball
game who witnesses a homerun and celebrates by patting his knee and whispering,
"Neat."
Belly then transforms into a sex fiend, demanding that Edward give her a special hug
right here and now. She says, "I don't care that it's cold here. I don't care that I stink like a
dog right now. Make me forget how awful I am. Make me forget him. Make me forget
my own name," and then kisses him.
Make me forget my own name? There is a list of things people have never said prior to
having sex, and this remark tops that list. Also on the list are, "Put down the accordion
and come here," "The ambulance is on its way. Stay with me! Stay with me! You'll be
OK! Just breathe!" and "Make me forget math!"
But Edward doesn't kiss back, reminding Bella that now probably isn't the best time for
special hugs. And he's right. Not only is there a war going on, but Seth is outside the tent,
and I'm assuming a special hug that makes one forget her own name wouldn't exactly be
the quietest event. Seth would hear everything. So it'd be a bit awkward, no?
Then Bella transforms again, but this time into her normal sad sack self. Not two
sentences ago, she was practically ripping her clothes off, but now she's worried about
the war happening a few miles away. She's like a dog that can't decide if it wants to chase
the ball, chase the bird, eat a treat, or have sex with Edward.
Werewolf Seth makes a sad noise, and Edward says Seth is angry because he wants to
fight in the war. After hearing this, the ever-polite Bella "scowl[s]" at Seth.
Really, Bella? You're going to give Seth the evil eye? Why? He's protecting your whiny
butt. This annoys me to no end. Instead of saying, "Thank you, Seth, for staying here and
keeping me safe," she gives him a snotty look. How can someone be so awful?
Better question: what on earth does Jacob see in her? I'm assuming Bella has an amazing
butt or super-sexy eyes. There must be something about her physical appearance that
Jacob is drawn to, because it sure as hell isn't her personality. And has Bella ever
laughed? If she were watching The Family Guy, she would sit with arms folded across
her chest saying, "Babies can't talk."
Edward is reading Werewolf Seth's thoughts, as Seth focuses on what the other
werewolves are thinking. Edward says the group of bad vampires are following Bella's
fake trail right into the clearing. The plan seems to be working.
And then Edward proceeds to describe the war. That's right. We don't get to see Emmett
and Jacob kick ass. Instead, we get to hear about it from Edward. At this point in the
chapter I'm pretty ticked off. I didn’t come all this way, through 536 pages of humdrum
drivel, just to hear Edward tell a story. If I wanted to listen to an old man describe a war,
I'd ask my grandfather about World War II. At least he would offer me a warm Diet Coke
and some strawberry wafer cookies.
According to Ed, the good guys seem to be wining. Suddenly, Edward stops talking and
shares a strange look with Werewolf Seth. He then tells Seth to run, and the werewolf
gallops away. Uh-oh! Either something bad is about to happen, or it's special hug time
and Edward wants some privacy.
Bella is freaking out. She thinks the bad vampires have killed one of the good guys, or
perhaps all of the good guys. Edward is being a jerk (as usual) by not explaining a thing
to Bella during these tense pages.
He grabs Bella and pushes her against the side of the mountain. She realizes that the bad
vampires are coming for her and she's now in danger. Edward stands defensively in front
of her and finally whispers, "Victoria. You were right. It was always Victoria."
Oh. Imagine that. You can't tell, but I just sighed so loudly that I gave myself a headache
and made my eyes water…and bleed a little.
I'd ask why Alice had no clue Victoria was behind this attack, but that would ruin my
happy day. (But seriously, they better explain why Alice had no clue Victoria was behind
this attack, or else I'm going to march into the bookstore with a nail gun and nail each and
every copy of this book shut so no one else will have to meet the illogical Alice Cullen.)
Vickie and a newborn named Riley emerge from the forest and approach Edward and
Bella in a menacing, too-cool-for school manner. For once, I'd like to see a vampire act
goofy and nerdy. I'm sick and tired of this "I'm so freaking cool" attitude they all have.
Why can't a vampire skip out of the forest listening to show tunes and making jazz hands,
or just walk out wearing jean shorts, a beret, and an Garfield t-shirt? I want a nerdy
vampire with frizzy hair and a gigantic backpack. I find it hard to believe that all
vampires act like extras from The Matrix.
So after some chit-chat, Riley is about to attack Edward, distracting him so Victoria can
nab Bella. And then, just as all hope is lost for poor Bella, The Fury returns!
Out of nowhere, the mighty Seth pounces on Riley and rips off part of his hand. It's the
single best scene in these entire books. Even better than the first appearance of the
werewolves from New Moon. Even better than Bella's hilarious "This is about my soul,
isn't it," speech. And even better than the scene in which Marcus (giggle) reveals his
power (double-giggle).
It's intense. For the next 10 pages, we're treated to a bloody battle between Seth and
Riley. There are times when Riley gains the upper hand, only to have Seth bite that hand
clean off. Whenever the focus shifts back to the battle between Edward and Victoria, I
found myself yelling at the book, "Move out of the way, dumbass. I want to see which
part of Riley has been torn off by The Fury."
With Riley and Seth grappling, Victoria must fight Edward one on one. But these two
move too fast for Bella to really tell us what's going on. It's a cheap narrative trick, and
one I shall use for my forthcoming novella, Robot Stanley vs. The Space Hawk, which
will be told through the eyes of a young girl named Nancy. Here's an excerpt:
I looked up at Robot Stanley. His machine gun face was ready and aimed at the Space
Hawk. Suddenly, the two began to fight. But I couldn't see what was happening. And then
Robot Stanley won. The End.
Sorry. That was less an excerpt, and more the entire novella. I still hope people buy it.
Speaking of novellas, Ms. Meyer has a new one coming out. Since it would take her an
entire novel just to have two characters eat a sandwich, I wonder how much plot there is
in the novella. I'm assuming it's just about a vampire blinking once.
The fight continues. Edward does something with Victoria that we can't really see, and
Seth chomps off another hunk of vampire meat from Riley. But Riley is able to smack
Seth so hard that Seth soars into the mountainside, and some bits of rocks rain down on
Bella.
Somehow Klutzy Bella, the same uncoordinated girl who couldn't hit a volleyball to save
her life, catches a piece of jagged rock in midair with her bare hand. I must have missed
the chapter entitled: Bella Becomes a Jedi.
Holding the rock like a dagger, you can guess what's going through her mind: The Third
Wife. Bella hopes to cut herself, knowing that once she starts bleeding, the bad vampires
will be distracted, giving Seth and Edward an advantage.
This makes sense, except just a paragraph earlier she told us, "Sharp fragments of gray
stone showered down on my head, scratching my exposed skin." So isn't she bleeding
already?
And you know I have issues with the Third Wife story, because there was no need for the
wife to kill herself, let alone cut herself so badly. A simple paper cut would suffice. We
know it would. That happened in the last book. So Bella doesn't need to be so dramatic.
Prick your finger, you silly goober. Problem solved. I hate Bella.
But—and I may be wrong about this, because the writing is so utterly confusing—Bella
doesn't even break the skin with her rock-dagger. Before making the incision, she gasps,
and this gasp distracts Victoria long enough for Edward to kick her ass into a tree.
A gasp? That's all it took? Perhaps Bella has a super gasping power. Or maybe I've been
underestimating the power of gasps my entire life. Or maybe this is just a lousy climax.
What if instead of taking the ring to Mount Doom, Frodo simply had to gasp at the ring to
destory it? What if Andy didn't need to escape prison in The Shawshank Redemption, but
merely had to gasp at the evil warden? What if the Death Star could have been destroyed
by a gasp?
I hate this story.
Edward then kicks Riley…or something. Again, this part is hard to follow. Somehow,
Riley looses an arm, and the arm still continue to crawl on the ground. Seth attacks Riley
and rips off his other arm and then tears the rest of him to shreds. Victoria is about to run
away again, but Edward chases after her, catches her, and literally bites her head off.
Which is pretty cool, but I thought Victoria had a super powered ability to escape. For
this entire series of books no one was able to catch her because she was fast…or a good
swimmer, or something. And now Edward can easily run up beside her and decapitate
her?
Granted, she was injured. But it still seemed too neat and tidy.
All right, fine. I'm just angry because I was secretly hoping that Vickie would kill
Edward. It would have been the perfect end to this nearly perfect chapter.

Prediction:
After the war, the werewolves and the Cullens have a big party at the Cullen house.
ESME: Dude. Did you see me stab that vampire in his ear? That was sweet!
EMBRY: Oh man. That was awesome. How about the time I bit off that vampire's
knee?!
EMMETT: I killed a vampire by twisting his head off with my feet whilst I killed a
second vampire with my thumbs. I also killed ten vampires with a sword I glued to an ax.
EDWARD: That sounds great. I killed Victoria.
SETH: And I ate Riley!
BELLA: And I gasped!
[SILENCE]
BELLA: I gasped real loud!
[SILENCE]
BELLA: It was like this [MAKES GASP SOUND] Cool, huh? Pretty much saved the
day.
[SILENCE]
BELLA: Y'all are just jealous.
QUIL: My girlfriend can't use scissors.
Chapter Twenty-Five:
Mirror
Better Title: Why Are
There Still Three
Chapters Left?

Bella feeling sad about
something and Edward
ripping up whatever is
left of Victoria. Eddie
prepares a fire to burn
the remains, and Seth
brings over the chunks
of Riley he didn't
devour.
Do the werewolves actually eat the vampires? That part isn't clear. I know werewolves
are always hungry, and I know they hate vampires, so it would make sense that they
would eat the vampires, not because they taste good, but out of spite. That's why I eat
raisins. I just hate them so much because they don't taste very good. It's a complicated
vicious cycle.
Edward finally notices that Bella is still holding her drama-dagger, the piece of rock she
was going to use to slice open her flesh in the hopes of distracting Victoria. Of course, we
all know this was pointless, because Victoria's one weakness is her love of the sound of
gasps. She would stop in mid-fight just to hear a beautiful gasp.
Edward is freaked out at the sight of Bella with the drama-dagger. He slowly approaches
and tries to keep her calm, saying things like, "It's OK, Bella. Everything is fine," and
"I'm a walking punch line who lacks a personality." (He may not have said that second
line. I've just read this chapter and already it's a blur.) See, Edward is worried that Bella
will be afraid of him after she witnessed what he did to Victoria. Plus he knows, as do we
all, that Bella can be a tad…what's the word…assy?…when it comes to dealing with
things. So he's being extra cautious.
But Bella seems to be handling things pretty well. She drops the drama-dagger and rushes
into Edward's arms sobbing about love and passion and Wuthering Heights. (Again, she
may not have mentioned Wuthering Heights. I can't remember.) Seth just ignores them.
By the way, some readers have asked why I bumped Jacob down to my third favorite
character and promoted the inexperienced Seth to spot number two. Jacob is great. Don't
get me wrong. But he's too smitten with Smelly Belly for my taste. As I said before, I
don't know what he sees in her, and the fact that he can't let her go bugs me.
If I see someone wearing a dumb, whiny shirt, even if I want that shirt, I'm not going to
dedicate my life to claiming the shirt, because there are plenty of other, less assy shirts at
the store.
Anyway, so the vampire corpses are burning, which I find odd since I thought Edward
told us all that vampires are nearly impossible to destroy. If vampires have skin that's
stronger than stone, I'm pretty sure it won't burn in a fire made from nearby twigs. I just
called my older brother, who has a PhD in bio-electrical engineering, and he agrees, and
then he told me to stop bothering him with my goofy internet job because he's very busy
saving the entire universe with his laser beams. (No joke, my brother makes laser beams.)
Suddenly, something happens. I can't remember what. But either Seth howls, or Edward
cries. Or they both holler. Whatever. The point is, Jacob is injured. We don't learn about
this for a few pages, because Stephenie Meyer thinks is so damn cute to have Edward and
Seth know everything while panic-stricken Bella is left in the dark. Ms. Meyer does this
all the time. The first few times Bella didn't know what was happening, I went along with
it. If anything, it added some much-needed tension to this otherwise assy story.
But now, every freaking chapter has a scene in which Edward reads minds, or the
werewolves share thoughts, or Alice sees something, and Bella goes on and on about how
she doesn't understand what's happening.
If I were Bella, I wouldn't let these freaks treat me like this. I would say, "Yo dead boy,
you best cough up the info, or the next face you'll be touching will be the face I draw on
my fist, and that face-fist will be touching your face, but with great force!" I'd hopefully
come up with something more elegant to say when the time comes, but you get the idea.
OK, so Jacob is injured. But that's not all! The Volturi are approaching. The little girl
who can hurt people with her mind, Dakota Fanning, arrived in Forks with a few guards
to deal with the evil vampire army. Sadly, Marcus (giggle) doesn't make the trip.
Probably he was busy updating his trashy gossip blog, www.X_Marcus_The_Spot.vamp,
where he writes about celebrity relationships.
The Volturi don't like werewolves, even the nice ones like Seth, Jacob, and Teen Wolf.
So the wolves run back to La Push. Edward says the Volturi aren't after the werewolves,
and they won't even know the werewolves were involved in the war, because they won't
notice this particular werewolf scent.
Huh?
I was under the impression that the Volturi vampires were all-knowing, all-powerful
vampires. These ancient baddies aren't able to smell werewolves? The same werewolves
whose sent is so strong that Eddie can smell Jacob's odor on Bella's hair for hours after
Jacob left? This seems assy.
DAKOTA FANNING: I smell something strong and unpleasant.

VOLTURI GUARD 1: I smell it too. It's like a beast but with hints of human…
VOLTURI GUARD 2: Maybe it's a wolf that was stapled to a man.
DAKOTA FANNING: Hmm. Probably. This is most unusual. I also wonder how the
Cullens could have defeated an entire army of newborn vampires.
JASPER: We moved fast. Sideways, too.
DAKOTA FANNING: That explains it. The smell is a wolf stapled to a man or maybe
burnt popcorn. Let's not worry about it.
Edward takes the still-confused Bella to the clearing. On the way, he (finally) explains
that Werewolf Jacob was injured trying to protect Werewolf Leah. The news that Jacob
was hurt makes Bella very sleepy, and she takes a nap.
When she wakes up, she is in the clearing, surrounded by the Cullens. Emmett is there.
Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I got a new basketball. Guess what I named it! I named it
Emmett. Now, after I make each and every shot, I say, "Thanks Emmett," and smile.
Then my friends smile. Then they smile with their voices. It sounds a lot like giggling,
but it's really just loud smiles. You make everyone happy, Emmett.
Carlisle tells the dazed Bella that Jacob is going to be fine, he simply broke half of the
bones in his body! Half of his body is broken? And he's going to be fine? Werewolves are
amazing! My cousin broke one tiny wrist bone and she was in a cast for, like, 26 years.
This is why I want to be a werewolf. Well, this and the fact that my knee hair would
finally be long enough that I could braid it. That's not weird, folks. That's just being
original. Holler!
Carlisle examined Jacob himself, and assures Bella that everything will be fine and
dandy. But then…
Oh wait! I forgot about the part where Alice predicts, "Bella will open her eyes in exactly
thirty-seven seconds." Once again, I'll ask: Does that mean Bella made a decision to open
her eyes in exactly thirty-seven seconds? She seemed too sleepy/passed out to be making
decisions.
Eh…whatever.
So Bella is awake and happy that Jacob isn't dead. She then notices a new vampire in the
group, a crazy-eyed newborn named Bree. During the war, Bree surrendered to nice-guy
Carlisle, and now Dr. C. is trying to convince her that eating people is bad.
But Bree, like every single person in this book, is immediately infatuated with Bella. She
wants to kill her. But Carlisle calms Bree down.
Then the Volturi arrive wearing cloaks. Cloaks? Really? You're in Forks, Washington,
idiots, not at Anne Rice's pool party. I can't believe they're wearing cloaks. Maybe they
love the attention, like that dude at the mall who wears far too many wrist accessories.
But if the Volturi are trying to keep vampires a secret, they shouldn't walk around in
cloaks. The first thing I think of when I see someone in a cloak is, "Hey, look at that
vampire in the cloak. If a hot air balloon flies, would a cold-air balloon burrow
underground?" (My mind wanders easily.)
Dakota Fanning is leading the group of Volturi guards. I actually like her, just as I liked
Aro. They both have a menacing quality about them, making them a more interesting
enemy than silly Victoria. Aro and Dakota are sinister. All Vickie did was run around
like a maniac and make babies…just like Kate Gosselin.
Dakota Fanning says they came to town to kill these newborn vampires, but is glad to see
that the Cullens did the dirty work. Edward assumes the Volturi timed their visit
specifically hoping that the newborn vampires would kill the Cullens. And later, Dakota
all but admits that Edward is right.
I don't get this. Aro loves the Cullens more than then the craziest Twi-hard. He probably
has one of those Edward cardboard cut-outs in his room, memorizes all the questions in
the New Moon board game, and "collects" the Twilight Barbie dolls. He's such a fan boy.
He let Edward, Alice, and Bella go in the last book. He doesn't want them dead. If he did,
they would be goners. Aro doesn't mess around. He's not Marcus. So why all the sneaky-
sneaky strategies to have the Cullens murdered?
Tee-hee. Sorry, I was just loudly smiling while I thought about Marcus.
Of course, there is still one newborn left, the hungry Bree. Dakota uses her mind-hurting
powers on Bree, who coughs up all the information she knows regarding Victoria and the
vampire army.
Certain that Bree is the last of the newborns, Dakota orders Felix to kill her as
punishment for being in the naughty vampire army. Dakota says something along the
lines of, "Sorry kiddo. We don't give people second chances."
But that's a boldfaced lie. They gave Edward a second chance, and he broke the numero
uno vampire rule: Don't reveal the existence of vampires. Plus, he was about to walk
around topless in Volturi's fancy town square, which is surely a no-no. And for these
crimes, his only punishment was to leave Italy and become forever buddies with Bella.
So if Bree broke the rules by simply being a vampire, I'd assume her punishment would
be far less severe. Maybe her penalty would be to eat delicious ice cream waffles or ride a
roller coaster. If nothing else, the Volturi seem surprisingly lenient in terms of their laws.
But not this time. Felix kills Bree. So I guess all that time I spent coming up with a great
nickname for Bree was wasted. (By the way, I narrowed it down to either The Walrus or
Knick-Knack.)
Dakota and the rest of the Volturi march out of the woods and head back to Italy, but not
before Dakota looks at Bella and says, "Dude. She's still a human. What the hell, Eddie?"
Edward doesn't even offer up an excuse like, "Well, I was going to make her a vampire,
but then, um, the house was on fire? And there was a hurricane? And I couldn't find my
shoes? So I couldn’t turn her into a vampire?" Instead, he says nothing. And Dakota
simply says, "Dude, you best watch yourself, because I'm totally telling on you."
So once again, Edward (and Bella) broke the Volturi law, and their punishment is another
assy warning. Why didn't Dakota use her mind powers to make Edward fall to the
ground, and then turn Bella into a vampire herself? Why are the Volturi leaving? How
can they be sure that no other newborn vampires are still out there? Who took down
Bella's tent and packed up her camping gear? Why are there still two more chapters in
this book?

Prediction:
The Volturi return to their headquarters in Italy.
ARO: So, how was your mission to America?

DAKOTA FANNING: It went well, master. But we didn't need to kill the newborns.
The Cullens did it before we arrived.
ARO: Neat. So…um, did Edward say anything about me?
DAKOTA FANNING: Not really.
ARO: He didn't ask about me?
DAKOTA FANNING: Nope.
ARO: What was he wearing? Be specific.
DAKOTA FANNING: I really don't know.
ARO: How can you not know? Was he wearing slacks? Yoga pants? Jean pants? I bet he
was wearing jean pants.
DAKOTA FANNING: I guess he was wearing jeans.
ARO: Squeeeeee! That's soooo Edward.
MARCUS: I bet you guys think Sandra Bullock hates Jesse James, right? Well guess
what!
ARO: Shut up, Marcus!
DAKOTA FANNING: Before we left, I noticed Bella Swan was still human. That's
illegal, right?
ARO: I bet Edward has strong feet.
DAKOTA FANNING: Um, boss? Did you hear me? Bella's still human.
ARO: Huh? Which one was Bella? Was she the little one with the nonsensical ability to
see the future?
DAKOTA FANNING: No. The other one. The one who is a human.
ARO: Eh? Oh, right.
DAKOTA FANNING: So I should go back and kill her and Edward, right? They broke
the rules.
ARO: Kill them? Heavens no. We should send them a gift basket. That will show them
not to mess with the Volturi. And make sure the basket has those Pepperidge Farm
cookies. Not the Milanos. Those suck. Give them the kind with the jam in the middle.
Those things are epic. I should make a mix CD for Edward, too. He probably enjoys
Modest Mouse, right?
DAKOTA FANNING: Aren't you mad that Edward defied your order?
ARO: Would it be weird if I asked Edward to be my Facebook friend? Should I just wait
for him to ask me? Should I ask him? I should ask him…
DAKOTA FANNING: I'm precocious.
Blogging
Eclipse: Part
26
Chapter Twenty-Six:
Ethics
Better Title: I Wonder
What Emmett is Doing
I'm going to make this

quick because we all
want to hurry the heck
out of Eclipse and get to
Breaking Dawn, where
I'm told everything makes perfect sense and I shall have nothing to criticize. Let's
begin…
Come on! Really? This book still isn't over? I'm glad Jacob is healing nicely, but I didn't
need to read about his heart-to-heart with Bella for an unnecessary 20 pages. I don't get it.
At this point, the reader has already bought the book. It's not like Ms. Meyer makes more
money if you spend more time reading the book. So why didn't she wrap things up in the
last chapter? Maybe she gets paid by the number of times a person yawns while reading,
in which case I just gave her about $500. And I was saving that money for new shoelaces.
The chapter begins with Alice babysitting Bella after the war. Bella remarks that Alice's
bathroom is littered with an assortment of cosmetics, and since Alice doesn't need
cosmetics, it's safe to assume the psychic Cullen bought them for Bella, because she
thinks Bella is ugly.
Alice attempts to help Bella relax, but ole sourpuss is worried about the injured Jacob.
She can't go see him yet because…I honestly don't know why. Alice says that Charlie,
who is at Jacob's house, can't see Bella because it would ruin their lie.
They make a big deal about Charlie staying with Billy for the day, and about the fact that
Bella lied and told her dad she was spending the day shopping with Alice. This was all
concocted to protect Charlie from the war. So if Bella showed up at Jacob's house while
Charlie was there, Charlie would scream, "You lying bitch! I knew you weren't shopping!
How else could you explain the fact that you're at Jacob's house?! I wish you'd never
been born!" Then he'd shoot her in the face.
I'm kidding of course. If Bella showed up to see her injured best friend, I'm sure Charlie
would just assume someone called her and told her that Jacob was hurt. Nothing against
Charles Swan, but he doesn't seem to be the smartest man in town. This entire plot to
keep Bella away from Jacob makes as much sense as the rest of the book. So let's forget
about it and move on. Breaking Dawn is so close I can almost taste it. I hope it tastes like
butterscotch and jetpacks.
Alice and Bella talk about the future. Alice predicts that Bella will indeed become a
vampire, but she's curious to see how she will react to the change. Bella doesn't want to
be a raving madwoman like Bree "The Walrus" Tanner. Alice says Bella shouldn't worry
about it, because the insanity caused by vampire transformation only lasts about a year.
A YEAR!? An entire year of being a bloodhungry lunatic? I'm surprised Alice didn't add,
"It won't be that bad, although you'll have explosive diarrhea for eighteen months. And
your liver will be horribly itchy for a few decades, and you will never be able to scratch
it. NEVER!"
Bella asks why Edward, Aro, and Jane's superpowers have no effect on her, whereas
Alice and Jasper's powers work just fine. I thought we went over this before, no? Because
Bella is a straight-up loon with a broken brain, mind powers don't work on her. But Alice
and Jasper's powers don't affect the mind, so they can be used on Bella. Although that's
not really true because Jasper alters one's emotions, and emotion is caused by chemicals
in the brain that…you know what? Screw it. I won't get into this again. Breaking Dawn is
staring at me right now and I'm dying to read all 754 pages. (Broken Dawn is also staring
at me. Broken Dawn is what I named my chipped pencil cup, which was previously
named Unbroken Dawn.)
So Bella goes home, complete with a new dress that Alice bought as a way to keep their
alibi safe. She makes dinner for Charlie and they chat about Jacob. The aloof Charlie says
Billy was acting odd all day. We know that Billy was worried about the war going on, but
couldn't tell Charlie about it. So it's understandable that Billy was a bit preoccupied.
Then Charlie says they heard deafening wolf howls, which stopped when Sam and the
guys brought the broken Jacob inside the house. They told Charlie Jacob was hurt in a
motorcycle accident. Charlie thinks the whole day was weird, but doesn't bother to ask
important questions. Nice work, Chief of Police Charles Swan. I wonder how he handles
crime?
[BANK ROBBER DRIVES PAST IN A GETAWAY CAR, SHOOTING BULLETS

EVERYWHERE]
CHARLIE: That car is weird. I hope Bella makes breakfast for dinner.
Then Carlisle (and for some reason Edward) came over and fixed Jacob up as best they
could. Charlie admits that it was nice of Edward to help Jacob. That was nice of him.
You know what else would have been nice of Edward? If instead of helping daddy, he
comforted his soulmate after she witnessed a brutal battle that involved dismemberment
and head loss.
If I see someone lose a head, I am not ashamed to admit I will need a hug. And cookies.
And some new shoes that are totally banging. And a hat. And…wait. What are we talking
about?
Do you think the werewolves will be awesome in Breaking Dawn? I hope so. I bet they
kick all kinds of ass. I bet Emmett will be there too, and he will fly in a helicopter that
has swords instead of normal propellers. I bet Breaking Dawn is going to be my favorite
thing with words. I'm so sure of this, that tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo which reads,
"Breaking Dawn is not a bucket of fail!" It will feature a Emmett flying in his sword-
copter. And I will get it on my forehead, and the words will be written backwards so I can
read them in a mirror. It's going to be sweet.
I wonder if Breaking Dawn has any pirates. Probably. If I were making a 754-page book,
I would cram some pirates into it. Does Breaking Dawn feature any robots? Don't tell me.
I want to be surprised. I hope the robots in Breaking Dawn have machine gun eyes and
capes. Squeee! I'm so excited to read Breaking Dawn!!!
Bella rushes out the door to see Jake. At Jacob's house, she slowly creeps into his room
and finds him awake and waiting for her. And then they talk.
The End
Fine. I'll continue the blog. But this section of the book is so mind-numbing that after it's
done, you could stick a nail into your brain and you wouldn't feel a thing. First Bella says
she loves Jacob. Then Jacob says he loves Bella. Then they talk about Edward. Then they
talk about love and friendship. Then Jacob smiles and I lose my train of thought just for a
moment because that guy has a hell of a smile.
Then they talk about love. Jacob mentions friendship. Bella says, "I'm sorry."
Jacob says he's sorry. They talk about feelings.
Jacob says, "It's not your fault, Bella."
Bella says, "No, Jacob. No! Never."
Bella cries.
Jacob smiles.
Bella says words.

Jacob does something.
And I couldn't care less.
I like Jacob. He's great. And he's not really the problem here. This chapter is horrible
because of Bella. Jacob is ready to say, "Hey Bella, I love you so much that I don't want
to hurt you. So let's just be friends."
But Bella is the one who demands they hash things out again and again. I'm sure
throughout this entire conversation Jacob was thinking: Go. Just leave. I'm tired. I don't
want to deal with this right now. Fine, I'll be your friend. Whatever. Just let me rest, you
dumby. I need my sleep. I just broke my entire body. Why won't you leave! Why are you
still talking about friendship? You're so exhausting. How does Edward put up with your
yammering? You're still talking? I'm going to stare at you and try to make your head
explode with my mind. I'm really doing it. Blow up. Blow up. Blow up. It's not working.
Probably because your brain is broken. I don't even want to be friends with you anymore.
Let me sleep, woman!
He's too polite to say this out loud, and so he puts up with Bella's drivel.
In the end, Jacob wants to remain friends with Bella, and says he will always love her.
Bella says she will always love him, and that she hopes he finds his soul mate. And that's
it.
The End
Except there is still an entire chapter left…plus an epilogue? [DAN STARES BLANKLY
AT WALL]

Prediction:
Another vampire war begins, and once again, everyone must keep Charlie in the dark.
After the battle, Charlie confronts Bella.
BELLA: Hey dad.
CHARLIE: Bell, I need to talk to you.
BELLA: What's up.
CHARLIE: Well, for starters, where is your arm?
BELLA: Oh, it fell off. Windy day, huh?
CHARLIE: Your arm blew off in the wind?
BELLA: Yep. But it's all good. Carlisle patched me up. Emmett is going to make my
severed arm into a hammer.
CHARLIE: He's a lovely man. But that reminds me…Did you hear any loud screams
coming from the woods today?
BELLA: Screams?
CHARLIE: Well, I was out back and I heard these screeching yells of pain, followed by
dripping noises. It sounded like blood.
BELLA: Hmm. It was probably just a bird with a bloody nose.
CHARLIE: Yeah. Maybe. But then I heard a voice yell, "I'm Edward and I am going to
decapitate you evil vampires with my mouth!" But it was probably just the wind.
BELLA: Yeah. It was really windy.
CHARLIE: Plus, it was difficult to see or hear anything because Billy was sitting on me.
He's such a kidder.
BELLA: Yeah.
CHARLIE: I asked him why he was sitting on me and he just snapped, "Is this because
I'm in a wheelchair?" I didn't want to offend him so I kept quiet and let him sit on me.
BELLA: That sounds like something Billy would say.
CHARLIE: Then I heard a noise. It sort of sounded like a teenager was transforming
into something large and hairy. Know anything about that?
BELLA: Yeah, guys are always growing hair. We learned about it in health class.
CHARLIE: Right. And then I heard howling and flesh ripping and someone saying,
"That werewolf just ate a vampire," and, "Emmett, use your death saw!" and "I sure hope
Charlie Swan doesn't hear us." I also could have sworn I heard someone yell, "I'm dating
a toddler, but it's not creepy because it's magical."
BELLA: Did you have the TV on? I bet it was the TV.
CHARLIE: No. The TV was off.
BELLA: Well, sometimes when you turn the TV off, it takes a few hours for the sound
to turn off as well.
CHARLIE: Ah-ha! That explains it.
BELLA: Well, I better get going. I need to remove some sleeves from my shirts.
CHARLIE: That's nice, dear. By the way, how was your trip to Mars this weekend?
BELLA: It was fun. Alice and I found frozen water beneath the surface so that was a
pretty big deal. Evidence of life, and whatnot. I also got a new dress.
CHARLIE: Can we have breakfast for dinner?
BELLA: No prob!
Blogging
Eclipse: Part
27
Chapter Twenty-
Seven: Needs
Better Title: The
Incredible Sulk
A certain character in
this book isn't handling
a relationship very well.
Guess which one. (Hint:
It's not Conner.) Poor
Bella is double-sad after she dumped Jacob. But since they weren't really going out, this
was less a dump than it was a slight drop, like when you release a baby salamander back
to the ground after dressing it up in a funny hat. What?
Bella is so distraught after her chat with Jake that she can't speak, think, or even drive her
truck. Luckily, Alice had a vision of the emotional supernova that is Bella Swan, and sent
Edward to fetch her. Eddie doesn't say anything on the drive back to Bella's house, and
lets her cry and wail about how Jacob was her friend and blah, blah, blah.
Did I miss a chapter? Granted, I'm a dude, so maybe I see relationships differently. But
all Bella said to Jacob was, "Hey, I'm going to kiss Edward forever and I will not kiss
you. Deal with that." And since she had established this fact on every single page of the
last book, I don't understand the sudden sob fest.
Did Jacob step on her toe as she was leaving? Is she upset because God kills puppies and
kitty-cats every day for no real reason? Did she just read the end of Charlotte's Web,
when Charlotte makes a full recovery after falling ill and takes a trip to a magical land
filled with rainbows and cupcakes? (My grandma may have edited that story slightly
because I was a sensitive child. But don't tell me if I'm wrong. I can't handle the truth.)
They arrive at Bella's house, and Edward sneaks into her room upstairs while she goes to
deal with Charlie. She talks with her dad for a bit, and lets him know that she
"salamander-dropped" Jacob. Charlie isn't thrilled with the news that she is choosing
Edward over The Thunder, but he sees that Bella is an emotional wreck and simply says,
"Kay," which made me laugh because I never pictured Charlie as the type of guy who
said, "Kay." In my mind he would say something more like, "Huh?" or, "Hrumph" or,
"Ruphm I'm a cop mmurff?"
Bella sulks her way upstairs, where Edward is waiting. She continues to act as though the
universe has crumbled. In Cormac McCarthy's The Road, the father must teach his son
how to commit suicide because the world they live in is so harsh and evil that death may
be their last resort. Those character had something to cry about. Sorry, Bella, but telling a
boy you'd rather kiss a different boy is not reason enough to curl up into a ball and die.
Especially since this isn't news to anyone.
Bella has told us that Jacob was more a friend than a lover about 3,000 times so far.
WHY IS SHE CRYING? Poor Edward is in for some tough conversations.
BELLA: [SOBBING WILDLY]
EDWARD: What's wrong, Lamb?
BELLA: The earth…it rotates on its own axis.
EDWARD: Yep. Why does that make you cry like a madwoman?
BELLA: I don't know. I guess I never realized that before.
EDWARD: …
BELLA: Why aren't we dizzy, Edward? Why doesn't the earth spinning make us dizzy?
[SOBS AGGRESSIVELY]
Did I mention that I don't like Bella very much?
She goes to sleep thinking about magnets. I do that too, but not because I use magnets as
an obvious, hackneyed cliché for relationships. I just like magnets.
The next morning she wakes up and talks with Edward about goblins that dwell inside a
volcano in a city called Thoog. Just kidding. They talk about passion. I lose focus for a
bit, so there's a small chance they actually discuss volcanic goblin villages. I would go
back to check, but I've already burned my copy of the book and used the fire to make
s'mores, which I then threw out in a symbolic gesture. This wasn’t easy. I love s'mores.
And yet I threw them in the garbage. That's how much I dislike this book.
Bella and Edward talk about Wuthering Heights. Again. Then Bella says, "We're going to
go see Alice." Good idea. Seeing Alice is always good for a laugh. That will cheer Bella
the mope-dope right up.
They arrive at the Cullen Estate. Alice already knows what's about to be said: Bella wants
Alice to plan her wedding, complete with all the pomp and glitz. Alice is thrilled. She
already has Bella's wedding dressed ready to go.
Does anyone like Alice? Raise your hands if you do, and keep them raised. I just need to
know who won't be invited to my laser tag birthday party.
Bella asks Alice to be her maid of honor. That screech you heard is the distraught Angela
screaming in protest. Sorry, Ang. Bella has discerning tastes when it comes to picking a
maid of honor. Maybe if you were a supernatural liar who kidnapped best friends for
money and prizes, then Bella would have chosen you.
Everyone is so happy, except me. And probably Jacob. And Conner is bound to be upset,
because I bet that guy bragged to all of his friends, "Dude, I'm so going to be the star of
the Twilight series." And then girls were all like, "Ooh, Conner. I want to give you naked
kisses!" Now that he realizes he was only mentioned about 1.2 times during this entire
series, he must say stuff like, "Um…so, about that whole Twilight thing? I was just
messing around. You know that, right? Can we still naked kiss?" Anyway. Where were
we?
Oh yeah. So Bella and Edward, high on passion, walk to the love meadow and talk about
love. Again. Edward knows she doesn't really want a big wedding and says they should
cancel the event. Also, Carlisle can turn her into a vampire right away. All deals are off.
He even begins to have almost-sex with Bella.
But Belly stops him and says that she wants to wait until they're officially married before
hugging in a special way, though she still wants to have sex before becoming a vampire.
She just needs to say goodbye to her parents before leaving the world of humans, and
promises, "I will tie myself to you in every human way before I ask you to make me
immortal."
Tie myself to you? Is that a saying? Has that ever been used to describe the act of making
love? If a woman said that to me, my initial response would be, "What the hell are you
talking about, you loony, over-dramatic weirdo?" My second response would be, "What's
it like working as a greeting card author?" My third response, as always, would be, "I'm
sorry my shoes aren't lighting up. I think the battery is dead." (But the truth is, my shoes
don't light up at all. I just want people to think I'm a big shot. Shhh.)
Tie myself to you? How can one author come up for so many silly ways to say "sex"
without using the actual word, and yet reuses the word "murmur" nearly a hundred times
in a single book?
Tie myself to you? Is she talking about sex, or a three-legged race?
Tie myself to you? Did Bella learn everything she knows about sex from watching
Avatar? Does she assume reproduction involves joining ponytails?
It starts to rain, and Bella gives her last glower of the book…to the sky. That's right. "I
glowered at the sky," she tells us. I'm sure the sky responded with, "What's wrong with
your face? Did you smell something bad? Why are you looking at me like that? I'm the
sky! Without me, you'd have nothing to breath but deadly space-air. A little thank-you
would be nice, you over-dramatic, self-centered loon. Hey! I can talk! Weird."
She says the wedding is important to her. She needs an event at which to say goodbye to
all of her human friends. So, the party is back on, but they must first tell Charlie about the
engagement, which won't be easy. (But now I wonder if Charlie, upon hearing the news,
won't simply say, "Kay.") Edward slips the engagement ring back on Bella's finger, and
the book ends.
Wait! Don't get up. It's not over yet.
Epilogue: Choice
Better Title: Jacob is Triple Sad
Whoa! Out of nowhere Bella stops narrating the book because she's either busy reading
Wuthering Heights, or crying because grass is green.
We jump into Jacob's point of view, which at first is refreshing, until I realized that
Jacob's mind, just like Bella's mind, is written by Ms. Meyer…who I suspect has never
met or talked to a real human male before.
According to Meyer, Jacob has thoughts such as:

But it didn’t matter that she was giving up everything—that she was letting her heart stop
and her skin ice over and her mind twist into some crystallized predator's head. A
monster. A stranger.
According to me, Jacob's thoughts would be:

Sex. Boobs. Bella was going to become a vampire and give up everything, even cake and
pie. Boobs. Boobs. She's so stupid. Boobs. I hate her. Boobs and butts. But that's OK,
because I'll find some other girl that is a thousand times better than Bella. Boobies.
Besides, Bella was really annoying. Sex. I want pizza. Boobies are neat. Butts too.
Jacob is upset. No, upset isn't the right word. Jacob is emo. He's double-emo. He's not
handling the news that Bella chose Edward very well, and he wants to be alone with his
thoughts, but Leah is nagging him.
She's ticked off because whenever she's a werewolf, she receives all of Jacob's thoughts
about Bella, even the naughty naked ones. She wants Jacob to snap out of it.
So do I!
I'm not a fan of Emo Jacob, and if the happy-go-lucky Jacob is gone forever, the only
way I can make it through Breaking Dawn is if Emmett is in every chapter along with a
flying carpet that he calls his Rage Rug.
We all know that Leah is mean and petty. She tells Jacob that Bella will probably die
during her transformation and then Jacob won't need to worry about her anymore. This
causes Jacob to nearly wolf-out, but he calms himself down, and tells Leah that if she
thinks it's tough having Bella thoughts shoved into her wolf-mind, then how do you think
the other guys feel when Wolf Leah thinks about hot and sexy Sam?
That previous statement only makes sense if you read these books. If you read it aloud to
someone unfamiliar with mind-thoughts and Leah's turbulent relationship with Sam, she
will probably neck-punch you. (Note: A neck-punch can mean a person punches you in
the neck, or punches you with her neck. If you get to choose, choose the latter. It hurts
much less.)
Mean Leah leaves Jacob alone, and Jake decides to go home. Inside, Billy hands him the
invite to Bella's wedding. Jacob knew this was coming and doesn't care to read the
invitation, but notices a handwritten note include in the envelope. It's from Edward.
Wait a second. Jake is sad, talks about love, whines about relationships, and receives
handwritten letters from Edward? Slap a wig on him, hand him a copy of Wuthering
Heights, and he might as well be Bella.
I don't like this. I don't like this at all. Please make it stop. Bring back the Jacob I met in
New Moon. Please? I'll give you $8 if you do that for me. How about $4 and some
firecrackers? Fine, $9? Help me out, people!
So Jacob reads the letter. Edward wrote some crap that I don't care about. Jacob then runs
off and turns into a werewolf.
Where is he going? Bella's house? Delaware? Conner's house? My laser tag birthday
party? I hope he's coming to my party. I need to have another chat with him before The
Thunder turns into The Wind Chime.
FINAL MURMUR COUNT: 95

FINAL GLOWER COUNT: 17
New Contest:
For Breaking Dawn, I'm going to count murmurs and mutters (and all variations of those
two words). Since it seems Ms. Meyer is afraid of me, she stopped using so many
glowers, so those will not be counted. Leave your guesses in the comments section
below. (e.g. Murmurs: 100. Mutters: 300) The person who guesses closest without going
over will get a drawing and poem, and in the event of a tie between more than two
people, one winner will be chose at random. When the first Breaking Dawn blog is
published, no more guesses will be accepted. Got it? Good.
Final thoughts:
This book shouldn't exist. I don't mean that it shouldn't exist because it's horrible and no
human eyes should ever gaze upon this collection of words. I mean it shouldn't exist as a
novel. Everything that happened in this book could have been chopped down to three or
four chapters and tacked onto the end of New Moon, a book which quite frankly needed
an ending. Nothing really happens in this book. No one changes. The characters are all
the same as they were at the end of New Moon.
These books are like watching someone slowly walk up a hill, then walk down the hill.
You say, "Hey, that didn't accomplish anything." And they look at you and reply, "Yeah,
but next time I might do something once I get to the top of the hill. So stay tuned."
The only thing that moved the story forward was the death of Victoria, but did anyone
really care about that?
Using Victoria as the villain was irritating for several reasons. First, everyone, including
Conner, should have seen it coming. Second, when Bella finally does solve the mystery,
no one cares. And third, Vickie isn't a villain worthy of being a multi-book nemesis. She's
no Voldemort. Victoria was a third-rate baddie, the kind of villain who would pop up
before the opening credits of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, only to be killed just as the
theme music began.
Put another way: There was no tension. There was no character development. There was
no reason for the book to be written.
So why does this book exist? I assume Stephenie Meyer needed a booster seat for her
child, and writing and publishing a novel was faster than finding the phone book.
During the Christmas break, I read The Golden Compass (great book), and though it's a
very different story than Eclipse, it's interesting that by the third chapter of The Golden
Compass, the plucky protagonist Lyra Belacqua had already spied on the scholars,
stopped an attempted poisoning, ventured into a an ancient crypt, stolen a haunted coin,
learned that her best friend was kidnapped by The Gobblers, and introduced the readers
to the concept of deamons.
Meanwhile, in Eclipse, it takes three chapters (91 pages!) for the author to tell us that
Bella likes Jacob as a friend, doesn’t want to hurt Jacob's feelings, thinks Edward is nifty,
and doesn't like Jacob in a romantic way. Bella also makes dinner for her dad. I'd say this
book moves along at a snail's pace, but that would be an insult to snails. This book moves
along at a snail's pace, assuming the snail is nailed to a tree.
On the other hand, the scene with Seth was OK.
If I were to rank these books in order of favorites, I would order them:
1. New Moon
2. Twilight
3. The ingredients on a ketchup packet.
4. Eclipse
Prediction:
The next book begins with Bella's wedding. The ever-romantic couple decided to write
their own vows.
Edward, I love you. I promise to be a weak-

BELLA:
minded, easily manipulated wife whom you can keep
locked up like a naughty child. I hope you never let
me experience anything and keep me sheltered for all
eternity as if I'm some sort of collectable or trophy
for you to caress and smell. And I know that if I'm
being attacked by evil bad guys or if I have a tummy
ache, you will react the same way, with irrational
fatherly overprotection. I love you. Wuthering
Heights. And I can't wait to tie you. I'm going to tie
you all night long.
Bella, I love you so much. I promise to
EDWARD:
never have a sense of humor, and to only say

things that, at first, sound vastly profound, but
upon further examination, reveal themselves as
emptier than a Ke$ha song, and twice as
meaningless. I will never let you do anything on
windy days, and when it's raining, I will drug
you so that you will fall asleep, freeing me from
the worry that the bottom of your pants will get
wet in the puddles. I also promise to make you
cry for no real reason, and say things such as,
"I'm giving you a choice, Bella," even though
I'm really not giving you a choice at all, because
you're such a fool. I love you. Wuthering
Heights. Our relationship is healthy.
And later, we see Quil's wedding.
QUIL: I promise to love you forever, my darling Claire. The first moment I looked into
your eyes, I knew you were the one. Though some may mock our relationship for being
weird, illegal, and gross, we both know that our love is bigger than moral and legal
standards. I promise to keep you safe, tie your shoes, and take you trick-or-treating to the
good houses that give out the big candy bars. I love you forever. Here, you have a runny
nose. [COVERS HER NOSE WITH A TISSUE] Blow.
CLAIRE: Lunchables!
BLOGGING BREAKING DAWN
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 1
we begin:
It's the beginning of the
end. For those tuning in
for the first time, where
the hell have you been?
We were worried. For
the past year, I've been
reading the Twilight
series and blogging
about it on a chapter-by-chapter basis. I don't like Bella, Edward, or Alice. I do like
Emmett, the werewolves, and all things unrelated to Alice. For this book, I'm counting
the number of times "mutter" or "murmur" appear in each chapter. (There's even a
"murmur" on the back cover! Yay!) Enough chit-chat. It's my understanding that this
book is crazy, and crazy is my favorite flavor. Let's get started.
Preface:
The book begins with Bella (presumably) being turned into a vampire by Edward. The
good news is that this event only lasts half a page. The bad news is that this event lasts an
entire half a page.
Chapter One: Engaged
Better Title: Enraged
Our whiny, selfish, miserable narrator Bella Swan once again tells us how awful her life
is. The poor thing is not only engaged to the man of her dreams, but is also driving a
fancy shmancy new car that Eddie bought her. Plus, she must attend an Ivy League
school, which she doesn't have to pay for. She really has a rough life. Sometimes I can't
tell if I'm reading Breaking Dawn, or The Diary of Anne Frank.
As Bella's driving, she notices that…
I can't do it.
I can't go on. I just can't. There are so many pages in this book. So many! I thought I
could get through the book. I thought if I rewarded myself with a piece of pie and a pair
of new awesome pants, then I would be able to blog this book. But it's too much.
[Looks out the window thoughtfully]
No. I can do this. I will not give up like Edward did in New Moon. I will not whine like
Bella did in every sentence of every book. I will make it through this, and when I'm done,
I will eat pie and wear the hell out of my new pants. Of this, I swear.
So anyway, Bella is driving around town in her new Mercedes. Her truck, which was one
of my favorite characters in this series, died. So, that pissed me off for the rest of the day.
It's like if the third Lord of the Rings movie began with Cate Blanchett whispering, "And
the ring traveled East, right into the clutches of Lord Sauron. By the way, Gimli died a
few weeks ago. He had diabetes. Sowwy!"
The mighty vampire truck broke down, and since Jacob is off Forrest Gump-ing his way
across Canada, Bella had no choice but to trash my beloved truck. Edward replaced her
vehicle with a new car. Not just any car. This is a super-duper Mercedes that (according
to the book) isn't on the market yet. It's equipped with armor plating and "missile-proof"
glass.
Missile-proof? Does that mean there will be missiles later? Maybe this book isn't so bad
after all.
Edward bought Bella the world's safest car because A) he's less a boyfriend than he is a
nervous prison guard or overbearing father and B) Bella is clumsy. It makes sense. We
later learn that Edward has another car waiting for Bella, but she must become a vampire
before driving this second car, either because the car is dangerous (I assume the seats are
made out of metal spikes and bird flu, the pedals are made of C-4 explosives, and the
steering wheel is a hungry coiled cobra), or because Edward is a jerk who loves to wave
treats in front of Bella's face like she's some kind of puppy.
Of course, when Bella becomes a vampire, she's going to act crazy and thirsty like the
other newborn vampires. So perhaps it isn't wise to give her a super-fast sports car. While
you're at it, Eddie, why not give her a hatchet and a map to homes where slow-moving,
blood-filled humans live?
And why do the Cullens need so many damn cars in the first place? They don't do
anything! They just sit around the house, watching The Game Show Network and wait
for Bella to have a problem. That's it.
Carlisle works as a doctor, so he's obviously busy. But what to do the other vampires do
all day? They're not in high school anymore. They don't have jobs. They're like my hippie
uncle Stanley who lived in our basement for eight years while he worked on his
"screenplay," which we later learned was simply Jaws but without a shark. He now lives
in Detroit and sells curtains.
Here is Rosalie's Daily To-Do list:
1. Don't sleep.
2. Drink animal blood.
3. Think about things.
4. Post trolling comments on message boards.
5. Remain childless.
6. Wash blood off Emmett's bow-and-chainsaw.
7. Be beautiful.
8. Act snobbish.
9. Sit.
10. Beat Minesweeper on "Advanced" setting.
This family isn't a clan of super powered heroes. They're a gang of lazy bums. And we're
suppose to root for these ancient loafers? I'll take the hardworking werewolves over this
group of sexy couch potatoes any day. (Emmett is the sole exception, obviously.)
By the way, though it's not mentioned in the book, I'm assuming all the werewolves work
at a steel mill, in a coal mine, or as Hollywood stuntmen.
Since this is the first chapter, Bella needs to catch us up on the story. She loves Edward.
She also loves Jacob, but not in a naked, let's-see-what-our-tongues-tastes-like, sort of
way. Jacob hightailed it (literally) out of town because he became double-sad that Bella
chose Edward over him, and now he's roaming around Canada in his wolf-form. How
cool is that? Why can't we read about him instead!? PLEASE!?
I always wanted Jacob to be out on his own, looking for trouble. A loner. An anti-hero.
He's like Clint Eastwood in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly, or Joey in my short story,
"Lonely Joey Does Things," a title that may need to be reworked because many
publishers fear it sounds too much like a Sex Ed pamphlet.
The point is, Jacob needs to be alone. He shouldn't be with Bella. And I'm hoping that
Ms. Meyers lets him be a tough, rugged badass out in the wilderness. But something tells
me he's going to return to the story as the sad lamer he was at the end of Eclipse. I don't
want Boo-Hoo Jacob. I want Boo-Yah Jacob. I want to read about the funny, strong
outlaw who stirs up trouble. Jacob should be like Bradley Cooper mixed with Batman
and The Road Warrior. He shouldn't act like a weepy Ben Affleck mixed with Eeyore and
every female cast member of The Real World.
Bella is worried about Jacob, and checks in with Seth every once in a while to see how
Jake is doing. In wolf form, the werewolves are mentally connected, so when Seth is a
wolf and Jacob is a wolf, Seth can see what Jacob is up to. It doesn't make any sense, but
it's much better than Alice's powers.
Seth is friendly and polite. He doesn't care that Jacob left La Push over Bella, and he also
doesn't hate the Cullens the same way the other werewolves do. In fact, Seth and Edward
have become friends.
BLANK FACE
Excuse me for a moment. I need to legally change my turtle's name from "Seth
Clearwater Is Awesome" to "Saturn Cher Igloo America." (That way she'll have the same
initials and I won't need to change the engraving on my locket.) Seth better figure out that
Edward is a tool-bag soon, or else I'll also need to change the name of my other turtle.
(Currently, his name is "Seth Is Just OK.")
We then enter a flashback where we see how Edward and Bella broke the news to Charlie
that they were engaged. It goes over better than expected. Charlie was assuming
something like this would happen, and laughs at the thought of Bella telling her mom the
big news.
Until this point, Bella's mom has been like a freckle on the back of your knee. You forget
it's there until one day you're swimming and someone says, "What's that dot on your leg,
and why are you crying? I didn't even splash you that hard."
From what little we know about the former Mrs. Swan, she's immature and flakey. And
her name is Renee. That's about it. But she takes the news of Bella's engagement rather
well. Too well. In fact, she's jumping up and down like a cheerleader. So once again,
Bella is having a horrible life. New car, free tuition, love of her life, understanding
parents, and all the money in the world. Yep. I really, really, really feel sorry for her.
Moreover, I can relate to her and her problems. I'm dealing with similar hardships right
now, and it's so refreshing to know I'm not alone. Lean on me, sister. U-n-i-t-y! That
spells unity.
With everyone on board for the wedding, the two families begin preparations. Bella takes
this opportunity to remind us all that the wedding needs to happen quickly because she's a
horny spoiled brat. But that's normal. In fact, most traditional wedding vows contain the
phrase, "I will honor and cherish you because I'm horny. Also? I'm a brat."
She wants to be turned into a vampire and made immortal as soon as possible before she
gets much older than Edward. And she wants to have sex before becoming a vampire. So
everything needs to happen fast.
Ms. Meyer once again refuses to use the word "sex" in this chapter (and I assume the
entire book), so reading the last few paragraphs is hysterical. Instead of saying, "I want to
have sex with Edward," Bella says, "I wanted the complete experience," which sounds
like she's ordering a special sundae at the ice cream parlor.
The chapter ends with Belly trying on her wedding dress and dreaming about special
hugs.
Mutters: 3
Murmurs: 1
Prediction:
Along with a new, safe car, Edward has bought another gift for Bella.
EDWARD: Surprise! I got you this. [SHOWS BELLA GIANT HAMSTER BALL]
BELLA: Neat! What is it?
EDWARD: It's for walking around the house. Now you won't need to worry about
bumping into sharp corners or hot stove tops.
BELLA: [CONFUSED] It's a big hamster ball.
EDWARD: Don't be silly. It's not a hamster ball. It's a Goin' Orb! It's for Goin' places! I
think Halle Berry uses one…
BELLA: Oh! That's cool! [JUMPS INTO THE BALL] Weee! It's working!
EDWARD: I'm glad you like it.
BELLA: But how will I use stairs?
EDWARD: Silly. You're not going to use stairs. Not until you're a vampire.
BELLA: But how will I get to my room?
EDWARD: I'm going to eat you. Swallow you whole. You'll be safe inside my stomach.
I'll walk up the stairs and then barf you out, safe and sound.
BELLA: Oh! You mean just like you do when I want to ride on the merry-go-round.
EDWARD: Exactly.
BELLA: Weee!
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 2
Chapter Two: Long
Night
Better Title: Oh. I get it.
This book is about
babies.
This week, my beloved
car (White Lightnin')
blew up. No one was
injured, but it wasn't a
fun experience and I must deal with insurance agents, paperwork, and being stranded in
my house without a car. Plus, now I'm hungry for an entire watermelon, and if I want a
watermelon, I'll have to ride my bike to the store, and then kick the melon back to my
house like a soccer ball or fill it up with helium and carry it back like an edible balloon.
However, I'm out of helium. Grrr. Things have been better.
But then I read chapter two of Breaking Dawn, and I'm smiling once again. Why? Two
words: Vampire babies.
Vampire babies are so over-the-top ludicrous that the very thought of them makes me
laugh. And not just a little mouth laugh. And not just a belly laugh. The laughter comes
from way down by my shins. It's a shin laugh. And it makes everything better.
More on my new favorite type of vampire in a bit.
This chapter starts off like every other chapter, with Edward and Bella talking about
Bella's future. On the eve of the wedding, Bella spends a great deal of time reminding us
of the events from the previous books. The key plot points of the series, according to
Bella, are:
1. Bella is ugly and unworthy of Edward.
2. Edward can't read Bella's mind for a reason that will probably make as much sense as a
helium-filled watermelon.
3. There's a family of vegetarian vampires living in Alaska. (Remember, Roy G. Biv!)
4. Edward isn't ugly.
5. Charlie snores.
Between smooches, Edward asks if Bella is having cold feet about tomorrow's ceremony.
Bella says she's totally cool with it, and is looking forward to becoming a vampire even if
it means leaving her friends Angela, Ben, Jessica, and Mike behind.
Bella's use of the word "friend" is rather liberal. Angela is a friend…maybe. But that's it.
The others are enemies, or acquaintances at best. And if memory serves, Bella has only
hung out with Angela for three hours outside of school. According to Bella-logic, the guy
who sat next to me on my flight to Nevada is my best friend. And I don't even know his
name, only his odor (Peanut M&M's mixed with feet).
I wonder who else Bella considers friends.
BELLA: It will not be easy saying goodbye to Angela and Ben. I don't know how I will
ever leave my dentist. And it just won't be Christmas without my dear friends, the thugs
from Port Angeles. But most of all, I will miss Irene, the woman that works at Arby's
who knows I like Sprite. Can you make her a vampire too, Edward? She can come with
us!
EDWARD: Shut up, Lamb. I'm trying to write a lullaby about how your spit tastes good.
The two lovers kiss and talk, and kiss and talk. Out of no where, Edward says he wishes
Bella was pregnant. Bella's exact response in the book is:
"Gah," I gasped.
Later in the book maybe Bella will stub her toe, and respond with:
"Argh," I arghed.
Edward feels bad that Bella must give up the option of motherhood to become a vampire
and thinks that if Bella was with child now, then he wouldn't feel so guilty. By the way
I'm using the term "with child" in reference to pregnancy. Being "with child" has a
completely different meaning when discussing Quil.
This chapter is chocked full of baby talk. First Edward wants Bella to be knocked up.
Then Bella talks about vampire babies and even has a baby dream. At the risk of being
wrong, I predict that Bella will have a baby by the end of the book. Or she will at least be
preggers. And that baby is going be some sort of half-vampire/half-human "chosen one"
that was mentioned in some long-forgotten vampire prophecy. And he will bring peace to
the vampires and the humans. And his name will be something like Claudius or Anakin
or Petey.
Edward can't hang around all night talking about love and motherhood. Emmett and
Jasper and are outside ready to take him out for a bachelor party.
Emmett is here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, how would you murder a grizzly hawk (an
animal I just invented)? Would you use your teeth or your knees? Hit me back, Pain
Maker, because I'm decorating a cake for you and I want the image to be as accurate as
possible.
Edward goes off to have the world's strangest bachelor party. According to Jasper,
vampire bachelor parties do not involve strippers and booze, but killing mountain lions
and bears, something the vampires do anyway whenever they're hungry. I'm not saying
you need sexy ladies and alcohol for a successful bachelor party, but in human terms, this
party would be like going to Applebee's, and then going to Taco Bell, and then going to
McDonald's. That's not a party. That's just depressing, and a recipe for diarrhea. (Side
Note: I'm hereby claiming the phrase "Recipe for Diarrhea" as the name for my thrash
metal band.)
With Edward gone, Bella has time to tell us important information. Stephenie Meyer
loves doing this. She will have her characters describe a hair follicle for fifteen chapters,
and then suddenly make a character spew out expository information in a single page,
like a nervous third grader who speaks in one long run-on sentence while presenting a
Civil War report.
Tanya (leader of the Alaskan vampire clan) is showing up at the wedding tomorrow, and
Bella is uneasy about meeting her. Tanya will no doubt be beautiful, which will sting a
bit since Edward and her once had a fling…of sorts. And then Bella delves into Tanya's
backstory. That makes sense. I know whenever I think about someone I'm jealous of
(such as Bill Nye the Science Guy), the first thing I do is remind myself of their tragic
past (Bill Nye got divorced).
Tanya's family is just as big as the Cullen clan, and the two gangs are friends, despite the
fact that in the last book, Tanya's crew refused to help the Cullens defeat the vampire
army and left them to die simply because Tanya's sister, Irina, hates werewolves.
So guess what, Irina? I hate you! You're going on the list.
But now, everything is cool between the Cullens and the Northern vampires. It's not clear
how Tanya smoothed everything over with Carlisle. I'm guessing she sent the Cullens
one of those musical greeting cars, the kind that feature a sound clip of two fast-talking
rabbits. I know if someone sent me one of those cards, I would instantly forgive them for
leaving me to die. Those cards are all kinds of hilarious.
Bella fills us in on Tanya's back story. Tanya's life is a tragic tale that deals with the loss
of innocence and the…excuse me. I'm yawning.
The story isn't really about Tanya, but her mom. But not her real mom. Her vampire
mom. (I think.) I don't remember her name. Let's call her "Creeps A'hoy." Creeps A'hoy
was a nice and pleasant vampire. She spent her days doing vampire things and having
vampire adventures. Then one day, she and some other vampires started to bite babies,
and I'm sure Quil is reading this with rapt attention.
And now we get into the reason behind my smile. Vampire babies.
Why did these old time vamps decide to bite and infect infants? Who knows? Who cares?
They did it. And the result was super adorable lil' vampire babies. These bundles of joy
were so cute that humans and vampires couldn't resist them. But when the babies became
hungry, they would attack without mercy. Things got out of hand, and eventually the
Volturi stepped in to sort it out.
Now, some questions:
How dangerous is a baby vampire?
If you've ever fought a baby, you know they are pretty weak, even the ones with a
shocking amount of hair. Usually you can take them down with a chop to their sternum,
or by standing two feet away from them and watch them fall down and go boom as they
try to walk toward you.
Even if the baby is an excellent walker, and even if it had a knife in one hand and jar of
sulfuric acid in the other, you'd still survive, because babies are as uncoordinated as a
blind duck in a fishing net. Yes, yes. I know the babies would have increased strength
and agility. But their vampire strength is based on their strength as a human, right? So if
they could lift two ounces as a baby, how much could they lift as a vampire baby? Maybe
a can of soda or a tiny dog. That's it.
Besides, vampires aren't super-duper heavy. You could still defeat a vampire baby with a
quick kick and watch as it flies through the air just like a round, juicy, delicious
watermelon.
So how did these bundles of joy kill people? Did their vampire mommies toss them at
victims? Did the moms shoot them at people via a slingshot? Did they drop them off at
the ball pit and let them have at it? The possibilities are endless. I want a baby vampire
movie! And I want it to star Morgan Freeman as the voice of the baby.
For the sake of argument, let's say a vampire baby does attack you. How much of your
blood can a baby drink? They're babies! You could let them suck on a Band Aid and they
would be satiated.
Vampire babies aren't scary. They're just hilarious and weird, like sassy old women who
talk openly about their sex lives.
Things that are more threatening than a vampire baby:
Vampire tree.
Vampire sea horse.
Vampire baby sea horse.
Vampire beach towel.
Vampire cloud.
Vampire baby cloud.
But I love vampire babies. I hope the rest of this book is nothing but infants crawling
around Forks, WA trying to kill people. That would be entertaining. Vampire babies are
fantastic and ridiculous. I can understand why Tanya's mom created one. It would be the
best conversation piece at a party. Better than my stupid lava lamp.
PARTY GUEST: What's that?

ME: Vampire baby.
PARTY GUEST: What does it do?
ME: All kinds of stuff. Here. Check this out. [Smashes plate over baby's head.] See?
PARTY GUEST: Neat.
ME: I also lease him out to movie studios where he does baby stunt work. And in the
summer, I wear him around my neck to keep me cool.
PARTY GUEST: Is it dangerous?
ME: Not really. When he gets hungry, I just chuck him near a group of squirrels. It's the
cutest thing.
PARTY GUEST: Cool. Um, why are you holding my hand like that?
ME: It's 2010, my friend. There are no more rules.
Back to the story: These forever babies were causing trouble, and because they acted out
of instinct, they didn't abide by the Volturi's rules. So, Aro and the gang put a stop to it.
They rounded up the vampire babies and their "moms" and killed them. But before
killing all the babies, Aro, being creepy to the core, took a few home with him to study.
This was when Carlisle was hanging out with Volturi, so he saw first hand how cute and
cuddly these infants were. Aro couldn't find any use for the babies, so he destroyed them
all, while Macrus (giggle) was probably busy explaining to a sad woman that her
boyfriend is just not into her.
And thus, Tanya's mom was killed. Tanya and her sister were saved because they were
unaware of what was going on with the baby-making. And that ends Tanya's story.
Bella is so bored by her own thoughts that she falls asleep near the end of the tale and has
a dream about a crazed vampire baby that kills her family and (ahem) friends.
Mutters: 0 (Book total 3)
Prediction:
Meanwhile, the boys are living it up at Edward's bachelor party
JASPER: Weeee! Bachelor party!
EMMETT: [Rolls his eyes]
EDWARD: Guys, let's not do anything too crazy. I'm a bit of pansy.
JASPER: I'm thirsty!
EDWARD: Maybe I should check in with Bella. I miss her.
JASPER: My shoe's untied. Guys! Wait up! My shoe! [Cries]
EDWARD: You know what's so great about Bella? We can just talk, you know. It's nice.
I like that. I better call her…
JASPER: My sock is bunched up in my shoe. Emmett, help! My sock is hurting me!
Emmett! My sock!
EDWARD: I think even after we're married, I will remain a virgin for a few years. Just to
be safe.
JASPER: Can we go home, now? I'm missing my shows. Emmett! Can we please go!
I’m bored! I hate it here! My leg is itchy. Emmett!?
EDWARD: What does a bra look like?
EMMETT: That's it! Shut up! Both of you! I will cut open your throats with fire if you
don't shut up and start acting like men!
EDWARD: [whimper]
JASPER: Are you making fun of my scars? I'm telling!
EMMETT: I'm going over there to kill something with a rusty spoon that I just
weaponized. Leave me alone, OK?
JASPER: Mom says my scars make me special…
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 3
Chapter Three: Big
Day
Better Title: Nice Day
For a Slight Wedding
This chapter begins with
Duncan, prince of the
Falcon-Men, declaring
war on the Tree
Serpents. Mortur, son of
Halifor and leader of the
Tree Serpents, continues his march to the West, where Lisa the Cackle-Maiden dwells in
Skull Valley.
Sorry. I don't want to blog this chapter of the book, so instead I started blogging a short
story I just wrote called "Dogs Are Neat." How do you like it so far? Can you tell that
Duncan is really the Cackle-Maiden in disguise? Oops. That was a spoiler. Sorry.
I fell asleep while reading this chapter. I got to the part where Bella was describing the
decorations on the trees when I must have conked out. When I woke up, the book was on
the floor, my jotting-pencil (which I usually hold under my nose using the strength of my
upper lip to make a hilarious pencil-mustache) was gone, and my mouth tasted like my
pillowcase mixed with jotting-pencil.
This is only the second time I've fallen asleep while reading a novel. The first time
occurred when I was trying to read Love in the Time of Cholera, which, despite what my
roommate told me, had very little to do with time travel and wasn't a sequel to The
Goonies…at all.
After I awoke, I finished reading this chapter, and now I don't know what to do. I'm torn.
On one hand, this chapter seems specifically designed to bore me. On the other hand, it's
not a horrible chapter. Alice doesn't make any predictions. Edward doesn't upset me with
his possessive nature. Jasper doesn't say, "Move sideways and we will live." And there is
not a single mention of souls. So for a Twilight chapter, it's astonishing.
But it's still a lousy chapter. Bella gets married. And that's it. For all the buildup, I
expected a little more. For two books, Bella has thought about marriage. For two books,
she has been waiting (dreading) this day. Now that it's finally here, I was sure there
would have been a last-minute race to the altar, or the wedding would have been
interrupted by Jacob or a hellfire demon that is after Bella's soul. Or something of that
sort.
Instead, it's just a wedding. I'll give Ms. Meyer credit for not tossing in clichéd wedding
horror stories, such as a missing ring, or someone saying the wrong name during the
vows. But a little excitement would have been nice. And would it kill her to add a goofy
character named Applesauce McNuts who runs around town granting wishes and killing
trolls? That's what's really missing from this book. Well, that and believable characters,
an interesting plot, realistic dialogue, some sense of humor, and more werewolves.
For those who care, here's what happens:
Bella wakes up after a rough night of sleep because she's dreaming about babies. You
may be looking for a joke here regarding a certain werewolf who also dreams of babies,
but for one week only, I've decided to take the high road and not mention or mock that
oddly-named werewolf, whose name isn't Embry. (Hint: It's Quil.)
Bella leaves her house with Alice. The next few pages go into detail about Bella's
makeup and hair, and about how the Cullen homestead has been decorated from floor to
ceiling with flowers. Edward plays the piano. Rosalie plays the piano. And then Bella
walks down the aisle, and is so overjoyed to see Edward that the rest of the wedding is a
blur. They say their vows (which are traditional) and then they kiss. It's an extra-long,
horny kiss. Then Bella hugs everyone (in the regular, non-special way), and she tells us
that Seth is the only werewolf at the wedding.
Does anyone else think it's odd that Edward and Seth have become instant BFFs? I
wonder if…hmm. I'm going to shut up and save those thought for the prediction.
So that's it. End of the chapter. Um…you guys wanna play Tetris or something? I really
have nothing good or bad to say about this chapter.
Since the blog for this chapter is out of the way, perhaps I can use this time to do a little
bit of house cleaning by answering frequently asked questions. These are the questions I
get asked the most:
Q: Did you know that Ms. Meyer wrote a book called Midnight Sun? It's the first
Twilight book, but told from Edward's point of view. You can read it on the
internet!
A: That sounds both interesting and dumb, like an astronaut fish. I may need to look into
this…
The internet is so cool!
Yes, it is.
Will you see the Twilight Movies?
Yep. Not sure when.
Will you read The Short Life of Walrus Tanner and Her Sadness of Death?
Probably. If I do, it may be summed up in one blog, instead of doing a chapter-by-chapter
review.
Did you know that there's another Twilight book called Midnight Sun? It's
Twilight, but Edward does all the ---
Yes. I know about it. We went over this.
You didn't have to yell.

I'm sorry. I just miss my car, White Lightnin'. Now I'm driving a rental car. It's silver. I
call it Dumb Lightnin'.
Why do you like Emmett so much? He's hardly in the book.

That's why I love him. He's a mysterious background character who is super strong and
mighty. He is the Boba Fett of Twilight. And he (presumably) wears a cape and a bright
blue shirt that says "Emmett" on the front. I bet he has a cool catchphrase, like "That's
grab-ulous!" which he says before grabbing and killing a shark. He's so cool.
How do you make your drawings?
I draw them in pencil, and then trace them with a Sharpie. Then I color them using the
juices from berries, the pigments of wild flowers, and the blood of the guilty.
Really?
No. I scan them into the computer and color them using the GIMP photo editing program.
A drawing usually takes about ten minutes to create, from start to finish.
Stephenie Meyer wrote a new Twilight Novella called The Life of Short Bree Who Is
Tan. Will you read it?
Um…I already answered this.
Gosh, you're moody. What's wrong?
I just ate an apple, and accidentally swallowed a mushy part. Should I go to the hospital?
My eyes are itching. That can't be good. Can someone take me to the hospital, please?
You should stop reading Twilight. You're being mean and if you hate the book so
much, you shouldn't read it. You just don't get it. You're wrong, and I hate you and
your thoughts. I bet you're ugly.
That's not a question.
Oh. Sorry. I meant to ask: Who would win a fight between Emmett and Jacob?
Emmett would win. In the middle of the fight, Bella would say something to Jacob such
as, "Hey Jacob, don't fight. If you stop fighting I'll let you wash my new car. And I may
even let you touch my shins." And then the brainwashed Jacob would cease fighting and
trot over to bossy Bella literally like a puppy.
But I thought you liked Jacob. What happened?

I do like Jacob. I think he's great. I just don't think he would act so down in the dumps
over Bella. Jacob from New Moon was a rogue, a scoundrel, a street-wise smartass. He
was…The Thunder. Now he is a six-foot-tall walking sack of tears. He is mopey. He is
whiny. He isn't The Thunder. He is…The Drizzle. He used to be cocky, and self-assured.
Now he's acting like a little kid who's upset because he's not allowed to eat ice cream for
dinner and runs away yelling, "Then I'm never eating anything ever again!" I truly hope
the New Moon Jacob returns soon….with a cool scar across his eye. That would make
him amazing.
How can you say that? Jacob loved Bella. He would be torn up after she dumped
him. Why don't you understand that?
I agree that Jacob loved Bella. And getting dissed is never easy. But Jake should have
seen this coming. From day one, Bella has made it clear that she will forever be with
Edward. That's why I laughed my ass off at the end of the last book. The "revelation" that
Bella is going to be with Edward wasn't news to anyone, but was treated as this huge
announcement tantamount to someone saying, "Zebras can see through most walls."
Zebras can see through most walls?
No. That was a joke. Zebras can see through all walls.
Why don't you answer me on Facebook or Twitter?
Because I hate you.
Wha….?
Just kidding. I love reading all the comments, and I do read them all. I try to answer as
many as I can. But you must remember that I'm very lazy, and I just got a new phone that
has cool games on it. So…
How do you think Breaking Dawn will end?
When I first picked up Twilight, I assumed it would end tragically, with Edward and/or
Bella dying. But now I'm willing to bet that no one dies, and the ending is going to be
safe and boring. There won't be a final battle or any form of sacrifice. It will end at a
Sunday picnic in the park with everyone sitting around and being joyless. And I still think
Bella is going to get knocked up.
What will you do when Twilight is over?
Celebrate by buying something impractical and ridiculous, like a cat leash. (I don't own a
cat.) (Sparkitor note: he will blog something else. We have it all planned out, and you
will love it!)
Why does this blog suck so hard? Usually these blogs are mildly amusing, but this
one is boring. Why are you so lame?
There wasn't much to talk about. Plus, a lot of people ask me the above questions and I
wanted to answer them. A regular blog will appear next week. It's going to be amazing.
And it may or may not include the word, "polar monkey."
Polar monkey?
Well, if there are polar bears, why not polar monkeys? Or polar spiders? Or polar hams?
Oh. I get it. You're so clever. [EYE ROLL]
Thanks!
Mutters: 2 (Book total: 5)
Prediction:
Edward takes Bella to a mysterious location for their honeymoon.
EDWARD: OK, Lamb. Are you reading for the surprise?
BELLA: Mmm-hmm!
EDWARD: We're going to Spain!
BELLA: Oh my! That's amazing!
EDWARD: It's going to be so much fun. I rented an entire village for us. Seth is there
already, getting things ready. It has a pool and—
BELLA: Hold on. Seth is there?
EDWARD: Yeah. I invited Seth. We talked about this.
BELLA: No we didn't.
EDWARD: Sure we did. You were sleeping, and as I watched you snooze, I whispered,
"Can Seth come with us on our honeymoon?" And you said, "Snort grublub." Which I
took as a yes.
BELLA: Why would you invite Seth on our honeymoon?
EDWARD: Heh. Better question: Why wouldn't I invite Seth. The dude is amazing.
BELLA: But…
EDWARD: He's so strong and funny. And last night while you were sleeping, we went
clubbing. He's a hell of a dancer.
BELLA: You went clubbing with Seth.
EDWARD: Well, not just with Seth. Marcus was there too. It was just for fun, you
know. Guy stuff.
BELLA: Marcus?
EDWARD: Yeah, he kept looking at Seth and me and saying, "You two were made for
each other." Marcus is such a kidder. By the way, did you know that George Clooney is
in love with his girlfriend?
BELLA: But you hate werewolves.
EDWARD: Calling Seth a werewolf is like calling a butterfly a bug.
BELLA: I should have married Jacob.
EDWARD: Good news, Seth and I wear the same size undershirt! Isn't that crazy?
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 4
Chapter Four:
Gesture
Better Title: The Return
of the King
This chapter focuses on
Bella's desire to have a
human special hug. But
everyone is telling her
it's a bad idea. Her
response: "Up yours,
losers! I do what I want, when I want. Holler!" She's such a brat.
If someone can explain why Bella needs to have sex with Edward while she's still human,
I will tell you where the treasure is buried. There are many things in this book that I don't
understand, such as Alice and werewolf tails, but Bella's constant desire to have sex as a
human is ridiculous.
It's dangerous. Edward could kill her with his passion and naked butt. He's never given
someone a special hug before, so he won't know what he's doing. Like trying to make
pancakes for the first time, it won't turn out well. Only instead of cradling pancakes that
are burned on the outside but raw on the inside, Ed will be cradling Bella's corpse.
Call me an unromantic prude, but if someone said you can have amazing sex but the end
result may be mutilation or possible death, I would sit it out and spend my time looking
up my house on Google maps…which is so much fun! I can even see my favorite tree!
Hi, tree!
But there are plenty of other reasons Bella should wait until she's a super-powered vamp
before having sex. First, what's so great about human sex? Vampires are better
swimmers, better baseball players, and better lullaby authors, so it stands to reason that
they would be better lovers, too. Perhaps I missed the part when Emse told Bella, "Girl,
you need to get frisky while you're still human, because once you're a vamp, sex feels
scratchy and boring."
If sex as a vampire is better, what is Bella waiting for? Turn into a vampire now! Why is
remaining human so important? Why is this entire series of books about her need to see
Edward's toolkit while she still has a heartbeat? WHY IS THIS BOOK SO LONG?
If she became a vampire last year, none of this would be happening. Everything would be
perfect, and this book could be about Emmett and Jacob saving a family trapped inside a
theme park that is overrun with gigantic bats and polar monkeys.
But let's say human special hugs feel better. Fair enough. Hell, let's say they feel 1000
times more intense than vampire sex, and experiencing them is so unique and powerful
that it's better than everything else in the world. Even better than watching a Pixar movie.
Wouldn't Bella feel guilty?
Edward has never had sex as a human. He missed out because he got the flu and was
turned into a vampire. (I missed out on going to the water park for similar reasons, so I
know how Ed feels.) Edward can never have human special hugs. If human sex is more
exciting than vampire sex, Bella should feel bad. This experience is one-sided. If Bella
had a diabetic, allergy-ridden, lactose intolerant friend, she'd probably force her to go to
the ice cream shop. Bella would order the Motherload Sundae and gobble it up greedily
while her friend nibbled on some gluten-free protein wafers. She's so selfish. I hate her.
So if there's really no good reason to have sex with Edward while she's still a human,
what's her freaking problem?
Anyway, this chapter begins right after the ceremony. Bella and Edward's wedding
reception is outside on the Cullen lawn. Luckily the sun is setting, or else everyone would
realize that these supernatural "monsters" glitter like Lady Gaga's spleen. Bella describes
the beautiful sunset, which means there are no clouds. Which means the sun was out
during the day. And, correct me if I'm wrong, but the Cullen house is made of nothing but
windows.
So how did all the vampires, both the Cullens and the Tanyas, avoid sparkling in front of
the human guests? We're not meant to ask these questions. We're also not meant to eat
Doritos and peanut butter for dinner, but guess what, sometimes you gotta do what you
gotta do.
Ms. Meyer has written herself into quite a corner with the sparkling of her monsters.
Instead of offering up a reason why they could walk around during the day, she glosses
over the topic in hopes that we don't see what's going on, like a child who just set fire to
the cat and tries to divert attention by saying, "I can count to a hundred!"
Edward, bite Bella right now! I'm sick of this wedding crap. Don't get me wrong. I love a
good wedding. (I enjoy going up to the band or DJ and requesting songs that don't exist,
such as "Body Shots (Damn, Those Jeans Are Tight)" by Willie Nelson.) But I'm anxious
for the vampire/werewolf war that I'm certain won't happen.
Bella meets Tanya and two of the northern vampires. Tanya politely welcomes Bella to
"the family." She also says, "I am sorry about the, er, recent incident."
Don't worry about it, T-Bone. It's not a big deal that you left your best friends to die at the
hands of the newborn vampire army. And offering such a heartfelt and epic apology is
very kind of you. You are the real hero, Model-T. You and your family of cowards have
taught us all what friendship and loyalty mean. I commend you. I applaud you. I look up
to you. Oh, I'm not raising my hand to ask a question. I'm raising it for an entirely
different reason, T-time. Now please excuse me. I need to go roll my eyes with great
intensity.
God I hate vampires.
Bella and Edward accept T-rific's apology and the Alaskan vampire mommy introduces
Bella to her "children" Carmen and Eleazar. Eleazar? Stephenie Meyer must subscribe to
Ancient Names That Sounds Better Than Jason Magazine. I subscribe too. That's how I
picked the name Njoror for my new car. (I don't know how you say it, but I think it's
pronounced "En-Lucy.")
The reception continues with Bella and Edward participating in typical wedding
reception activities such as cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, and spending the
entire time narrating the events to an annoyed reader.
There's a touching moment when Bella dances with her dad, and for a brief few sentences
the Swans seem like a real family. But then things get stupid again as Edward cuts in and
starts explaining to Bella that she's as pretty as a rainbow crammed up the butt of a
unicorn, or some such smooch-woochy talk.
And then things get kind of awesome, then lame, and then really awesome.
Edward intercepts a mind-thought and says Bella will be receiving a surprise wedding
gift. I half-expected Edward to give Bella the entire state of Texas, a diamond-encrusted
throne, and a Sports Authority gift card, but instead he dances Bella away from the crowd
and into the darkness. On a clear night like this, one thing you wouldn't expect to hear
is…THE THUNDER!
Jacob has returned!
Bella is flabbergasted. Edward leaves the two friends alone, and Bella starts bawling
about her lost friend's triumphant return. Jacob doesn't act sad. He is back to being his
awesome self. Bella responds by whimpering, "Now everyone I love is here." And if you
listen carefully, you can hear the uninvited E-rock moan quietly, alone in his room as he
cradles his action figures and his valedictorian sash.
Bella and The Thunder try to enjoy the moment together. Jacob knows that soon Bella
will be a vampire, so this may be the last time he ever sees her. Jacob acts a bit defeated,
but overall seems OK with the situation. Good on ya, Jake. It's nice to see you've got your
senses back. I'm making you a whole mess of pizza bagels. (Hope you like pepperoni and
cake batter!)
The other wolves are watching in the woods, in case Jake flips out. But he doesn't. This is
where things get lame.
Bella reassures him that this is what she wants, and everything seems to be going fine and
dandy. There's lots of talk about feelings and friendships. Jacob asks if she will become a
vampire tonight, and Bella says they are going to wait until after the honeymoon. Then
Bella lets it slip that Edward is going to hug her in a special way on their honeymoon,
and Jacob freaks out.
This is where things became awesome.
Jake knows Bella's plan is dangerous and foolish. He starts to tremble, on the verge of
becoming a wolf. Bella, the short-sighted selfish snob, says she can have special hugs
with a monster because it's her life and she can do whatever she wants.
I can't believe Bella is angry at Jacob. I know being told you can't do something is harsh,
but how does Bella react when someone else tells her the painful truth?
PLUMBER: I don't think you should flush sweaters down the toilet, ma'am.
BELLA: Get the hell out of my house! You can't control me. You can't tell me what to
do. I can drown sweaters if I want! USA! USA! USA!
To the surprise of no one, I'm on Jacob's side. Bella, you're being a lunatic. You can have
all the special hugs you want after you become a vampire. Why risk it?
Jacob grabs the hysterical Bella forcefully and asks if she's lost her mind. Edward leaps
to Bella's rescue and Seth tries to pull the furious Jacob away before he does something
stupid….like have sex with a vampire.
Jacob loosens his grasp and Edward flings Bella a few feet away to safety. And then
Jacob and Edward have another one of their wonderful, yet ultimately uneventful
staredowns. Only this time Jake gets aggressive and simply says, "I'll kill you."
How awesome is that?
But like always, Edward and Jacob don't come to blows. Instead, they make faces at each
other as Bella cries, "No! Stop! I'm weak and crazy! Wha wha wha..."
This is the last book, and that means Edward and Jacob should fight. They have to. I
didn't read all this crap just to watch them go play ping-pong at the Rec. Center. I want
my Edward v. Jacob smackdown, and I think I deserve it.
The other werewolves emerge from the woods and nudge Jacob away. How the wedding
guests failed to see a pack of bear-sized wolves come out of the forest is a question I'm
saving for my lunch date with Stepehnie Meyer. (Ms. Meyer, I'll be at the Arby's on
South Street tomorrow at noon. I expect to see you there. You'll recognize me by the
daisy in my hair…my leg hair.)
Bella is shaken up by the almost-violence, though I'm not sure why. This same
showdown happens every 62 pages. She should be used to it by now.
With the werewolves gone, Edward and Bella return to the dance floor and the party
continues. But Edward is beginning to realize that Jacob may be right. Finally, Edward
sees reason. Having sex before Bella is a vampire is as senseless as brushing your teeth
with scissors.
Bella "Horn Dog" Swan isn't listening to reason and practically demands that Edward
disrobe right here and now so they can [corny euphemism for having sex].
Emmett cuts in and asks to dance with Bella.
Emmett's here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, watch me dive in the pool! Emmett? Watch,
OK? Are you watching? Emmett, are you watching? Emmett, watch! I'm going to do a
double flip! Emmett! Emmett!
[Dan does horrible dive right onto his stomach.]
Emmett, did you see that? It didn't hurt at all. I meant to do that, because it makes a better
splash. I know my stomach is now bright pink. I like it that way. It looks like ham. And
I'm not crying. That's just pool water that got stuck in my ear and comes out my eyes. It
happens. I'm not crying. Whoa…kind of dizzy. And my ribs are broken. It hurts to
breathe. But that was awesome, right? Please say yes…and call an ambulance.
Bella dances with everyone else and then shares a long kiss with Edward that Alice
interrupts to remind the lovebirds that their plane leaves soon. Bella still doesn't know
where they are going. If I were Edward, I'd take Bella someplace quiet and romantic, like
Greece. If I were me, I would take Bella to someplace awesome, like Tim Burton's house,
or the future.
She hops in the car with Edward and they drive off, as the sound of howling wolves echo
in the distance…like the sound of howling wolves echoing in the distance.
Prediction:
The first day of their honeymoon is filled with activities.
BELLA: What should we do first? I think we should hug…specially.
EDWARD: Not yet. I have so much I want you to do before becoming a vampire.
BELLA: Like what?
EDWARD: I want you to taste lava.
BELLA: Huh?
EDWARD: When you're a vampire, your taste buds will be different. So this is the last
chance to drink lava as a human.
BELLA: OK. I guess. But won't it hurt?
EDWARD: I wouldn't know, my lamb. I was never given the opportunity to drink
molten rock as a human. [Looks mournfully out the window.] My humanity was taken
from me…there was no choice. Just the cold grip of forever tugging at—
BELLA: Fine. Whatever. I'll do it. Anything else?
EDWARD: Let me break your femur bone.
BELLA: No.
EDWARD: Bella, no one gave me the chance to break my femur. That opportunity was
stolen away. When you're a vampire, your femur bones cannot break. For the rest of your
life you will wonder what it feels like to have a broken femur. There is an eternity of
regret waiting for you if you say no. Your femur bone is part of your humanity. It's—
BELLA: Stop saying,"femur."
EDWARD: So I can break it? With a mallet?
BELLA: Whatever.
EDWARD: Also, you should get a crazy haircut. When you're a vampire, your hair will
remain the same length for all time. Getting a haircut is part of the human experience. It's
part of your soul, Bella. You must get a haircut. You must be given the choice…a choice
that my brothers, sisters, and I never had. Perhaps a mohawk…
BELLA: I like my hair.
EDWARD: I will call Rosalie. She will tell you how she spends all night crying out for
just one last haircut. A haircut that can never be. A haircut with bangs that exists only in
dreams we cannot dream because we don't sleep…for some reason. A haircut that—
BELLA: I'm going down to the pool.
EDWARD: Yes. You must enjoy the taste of chlorine while you still can sense it, my
love! Fill your soul with humanity and chlorine! You have the choice that was not given
to me. The choice to accidentally drink pool water and then vomit. Vomit as only a
human can! Vomit, my Bella! Vomit just one last time before you journey into my night.
Vomit for me!—
BELLA: I kind of hate you now.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 5
Chapter Five: Isle
Esme
Better Title: Tee-hee
For the first dozen or so
pages of this chapter, I
wasn't sure if Bella and
Edward had sex, or if
they spent their wedding
night playing rigorous
street hockey. But then
all is revealed, in a roundabout, convoluted manner. While Stephenie Meyer has yet to
type the letters S, E, and X together, (she won't even mention a sextant or sextuplets), at
the end of the chapter, Edward refers to "making love." So I'm pretty sure Bella and
Edward did the nasty. But, for all we know, Bella and Edward went to the Build-a-Bear
Workshop and crafted a surfing teddy bear they called Love, in which case "making love"
has a whole new, pathetic meaning.
Before we go on, is there a point to this novel? For the past 95 pages, it's just Bella
getting everything she wants. This book should be called "Bella's Life is Perfect: The
Quest for Conflict" or perhaps, "Y'all Are Just Jealous: One Woman's Journey." A bad
guy better show up soon or else I'll hold my breath until I die. I'll really do it, too. I've
done it before…sort of.
This chapter picks up with Edward and Bella taking various planes as they venture to a
mysterious tropical island getaway for their honeymoon. During the trip, Bella remarks
on how the sun is setting through the window. You might be wondering how everyone is
reacting to Edward's sparkling skin. It's not explained, because either:
1. Ms. Meyer thinks we're idiots.
2. I skipped the part in which Edward said, "By the way, Lamb, my skin won't sparkle on
Saturdays when I'm at least 1,000 feet above sea level because we're in love."
3. The other passengers are reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and are too
engrossed to notice as they remark to each other, "Ooh. How about all that intrigue?
There sure is a lot of intrigue. Intrigue!"
4. Edward has been lying about the whole vampire thing, and he's really just some sad
dude with a trust fund.
5. Ms. Meyer is an idiot.
They land in Brazil, hop on a boat for the rest of the tip, and arrive at a private island
called "Isle Esme," which was a gift that Carlisle got for his wife, hence the name. I bet
she has a closet filled with lavish presents from Dr. Cullen, such as Laptop Esme,
Necklace Esme, Chunky Purple Bracelet Esme, Sears Gift Card Esme, and Nintendo DS
Esme.
I'm a bit pissed, because ever since I was little, I wanted to name my isle Esme. I guess I
can still use it for my isthmus. Isthmus Esme does have a nice ring to it. Plus, I have a
few back-up names for my isle, including: Dan Town, New Pennsylvania, Belligerent
Timothy, Kyle the Isle, Un-Russia, and Ft. Robocop.
If the Cullens have their own damn island, why they hell don't they live there all the
damn time, away from humans, temptation, and damn danger? Why must the Cullens live
amongst us? Carlisle may enjoy working as a doctor, but as I've said before, the rest of
the C-gang are nothing but loafers and slackers. They could be living on their own island
in the sun, but instead choose to live in gloomy, depressing Forks, WA. I guess the
Cullens hate nice things. If you offered them the chance to ride the world's fastest roller
coaster, they would say, "No thanks. We'd rather wait in line to ride the kiddie train. It
goes through an Old West town! Weee!"
Edward, realizing that Bella needs a moment to herself, goes skinny dipping in the ocean.
Bella takes a shower and tells us what it feels like to be nervous. She notices that Alice
packed new clothes for her, including a bunch of fancy lingerie, which I spelled correctly
on my first try. Yay!
The sight of the skimpy undies makes Bella panic, and she's not sure what to do. Finally,
after describing love and fear for about eight hours, she walks to the beach wearing only
a towel and sees Nude Edward. He's waist-deep in water, so there's no description of his
bad bits. But that doesn't stop Bella from going on and on about his appearance. For fun,
go to any sentence in which Bella describes Eddie and add the phrase, "like a cynical
walrus," to the end.
Bella drops her towel, shows the world her plumbing, and joins Edward in the warm
ocean water. They hug. They talk about forever. And then…
[GIGGLE]
Hahahahaha….they totally did it! They did it all night! They had the sex!
We don't get to read about the actual special hug. Instead, we learn about it through
Bella's thoughts and dialogue the next day. And from what I gather, it was a wild night of
wrestling and pillow biting.
Now, let's have a grown-up, sophisticated discussion regarding vampire special hugs.
1. Is [GIGGLE]?
Sorry. I can't ask this question because even thinking about it makes me blush.
Hahahaha…organs…Hahaha.
2. How can this feel good?
Vampires are like rocks. They're not mushy like humans. When Bella and Edward engage
in a normal hug, I let it slide because Bella can still hold on tight to Edward like he's a
statue. It's weird and it must feel like she's groping a fire hydrant, but it's possible. And
when they make out, Bella must feel like she's kissing my pencil sharpener; it's hard,
unpleasant, and tastes like squirrel blood. But again, I can see past that.
However, special hugs involve more touching and kissing than a normal make-out
session. Without getting graphic, a special hug requires a great deal of friction,
movement, and the colliding of bodies. Sex with a vampire would be like running into the
brick wall again, and again, and again. And this feels nice?
3. How does Edward…um…[BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER]
Sorry. Sorry. Moving on…
4. Does Edward have saliva?
This has less to do with sex than it does with smooching in general, but they never
mention Edward's spit. Is his mouth all leathery and scaly? Stick your tongue out and let
it dry for a few seconds. It feels gross, right? That is what Bella feels every time she slips
Edward the tongue. Yep, Eddie is quite the catch.
5. If Edward is, like…you know? [GIGGLE, SNORT]
Because how can he, er…without being, um…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Wieners.
Bella wakes up feeling like a new woman. She is euphoric and for the first time, she
doesn't whine at all…for about one entire page.
The night of naked passion was a rousing success and she can't wait to go over every
naughty detail with her new husband. But Edward isn't so thrilled with the special hug.
This ends Bella's bliss and she once again becomes The Mistress of Mope.
Bella is annoyed that Edward is acting sad and angry. He says she needs to look at her
body to realize what he did to her last night. I was expecting to find out that Bella is
missing a leg or perhaps her ear had been sewn to her shins. Instead, she has some mild
bruises on her arms. But this is enough to make Edward act like a pansy and for the rest
of the chapter, the newlyweds bicker about Bella's injuries.
Is this the big conflict of the novel? Is the nemesis of this story Edward's inability to
listen to reason? Given the choice, I may take the lackluster Victoria over this new
problem.
Bella maintains that the tiny bruises are nothing compared to the wonderful, special hug
they shared. Edward doesn't believe her, and thinks she's injured far more than she's
letting on.
Bella flips out. She says Edward is "Killing my buzz." Wah wah wah. Poor Bella gets
what she's always wanted and it's still not enough. Perhaps she also wanted a puppy that
never grows old, a new leather jacket, some meatballs, and an unreleased Beatles double
album.
And what's worse is that Edward is acting even more ignorant and illogical than Bella.
Sure, Bella has some bruises. But aside from that, she's fine. He didn't kill her. He didn't
break her bones. He didn't chop off her ear and sew it to her shins like I expected. So why
is he acting like someone just shot his kitten?
Bella's bruised body sends Edward into a rant about control, desire, and mistakes. I will
say this of Breaking Dawn: it took an impressive 94 pages before I threw the book
against the wall. This book is a hardback, so the noise and dent are much more satisfying.
What's happening doesn't make a sense. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't their first
attempt at having a special hug be the most dangerous because Edward didn't really know
what to expect? And now that Bella is fine, albeit bruised, isn't that a sign that these two
can get it on again and again? There's no problem here.
This series of books is all about making problems where none exist. Had Stephenie
Meyer written Hamlet, the story wouldn't be about Hammie's dead daddy, but instead
about some inexplicable dilemma involving Hamlet's desire to eat cherries despite the
fact that he's allergic to cherries.
HAMLET: O' sweet orbs of juice that beckon my heart like whispers of tempt. Mine
skin doth itch when inside me you dwell. Away, take these devil's eyes!
ROSENCRANTZ: Dude. Eat a banana instead.
HAMLET: Yours is the tongue of fools!
I understand that Edward hates the thought of hurting Bella. But he should see that Bella
Swan-Cullen is perfectly fine. Why can't Edward enjoy himself and appreciate the
moment? Why is he such a sourpuss? If he went to a party, he would spend the entire
time making sure no one got chocolate on the drapes. Of course, Edward doesn't go to
parties because he has no friends because he's the world's biggest jackass since E.T. (I
still don't understand why E.T. never came back to visit Elliot. What a turd.)
Edward says that until Bella becomes a vampire, having sex is out of the question. That's
nice of him. Any good marriage begins with the husband making decrees. (Sarcasm hand
raised so high I can tickle the clouds.)
Mutters: 1 (Book Total: 7)
Prediction:
After breakfast, Bella and Edward continue to argue.
EDWARD: We can't have nude passion again, Lamb, because it will kill you.
BELLA: No it won't. I'm fine! I'm totally fine!
EDWARD: You don't understand. I lost control last night. I took one of your kidneys.
BELLA: You did what?
EDWARD: I lost control and was overpowered by lust. Stealing your kidney just felt
like the right thing to do. You didn't notice because you were in the throes of passion.
BELLA: No biggie. I have another kidney. I'll just hide my second one next time, maybe
shove it down to my ankle. Then you can't get it. [TRIES TO MOVE HER REMAINING
KIDNEY WITH A ROLLING PIN]
EDWARD: It's still too dangerous. I did more than steal your kidney…
BELLA: What else did you do to me?
EDWARD: Well, in the heat of the moment, I gave you a cavity. A deep one.
BELLA: Really?
EDWARD: [ASHAMED] Yes. I lost control, Bella. This is what I was afraid of.
BELLA: A cavity isn't a huge deal. I can go to the dentist.
EDWARD: But there's more. At about 2 a.m., when you left to get a drink of water, I
posted a Facebook picture of you on the toilet. I…I lost control Bella.
BELLA: What?
EDWARD: I knew this would happen. I couldn't control my actions. I was running on
pure animal instincts. Overwhelmed with passion, posting that photo just felt right. I'm
sorry.
BELLA: That doesn't make sense.
EDWARD: I also wrote, "Fat Chick" on your back with a permanent marker.
BELLA:…
EDWARD: See! I told you it was dangerous. When you're a vampire, things will be
different.
BELLA: It's OK. Really. By the way, why are my nostrils glued shut?
EDWARD: It's not my fault, Lamb. It's the passion. Well, the passion and the glue.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 6
Chapter Six:
Distractions
Better Title: Disregard
That Last Chapter…
And Most of the First
Three Books
Before we begin, you
should know that
Stephenie Meyer uses
the word "sex" twice in
this chapter. Upon reading the scandalous word, I became so worked up that I joined a
gang, and burned down several hospitals. Then I ran around the house with scissors, and
coughed without covering my mouth. Perhaps she was right to omit the word from her
prose. It is a powerful word, indeed.
The reasons to hate Bella have skyrocketed with this chapter. I never waved a Team Bella
flag before because I always found her to be bratty, selfish, and the world's biggest
complainer since Charlie Brown (particularly Charlie Brown in his angst-ridden teen
years when he started listening to thrash metal). Not to mention the fact that Bella is
helpless, dependent, and clingy. After this chapter, the list of Bella faults includes
"insane" and "not sane at all."
How would you feel if someone told you, "I need an apple. If I don't get an apple my
world will end. I need an apple, and I need it now!" and then, after you'd given her an
apple, said, "Oh. I don't really want it anymore"? You'd be overcome with the powerful
desire to punch something named Bella, wouldn't you? This is how I feel after reading
this chapter.
Bella, please stop having thoughts. Thank you.
For pages and pages, Ms. Swan has been telling us that she needs to be turned into a
vampire immediately because the idea of being just one day older than Edward is
something her feeble brain can't handle. This was a major theme of New Moon. (Other
themes include: the healing process, werewolves are amazing, and how to deal with
things in the worst possible way.)
If you haven't already, go back to the first three books and rip out all the pages of Bella
whining about growing old, because she doesn't feel that way anymore. Instead, she's
basking in the human experience and tells Edward that they should wait to turn her into a
vampire.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
That's the result of me smacking my face against the keyboard. (I take pride in having a
very firm nose.)
She defends her new attitude towards vampirism by saying ridiculous things about love
and forever. But there are two real reasons why she wishes to stay human.
First, she's horny and loves sex. The girl not only enjoys special hugs, but during the act
of hugging, she loses consciousness and doesn't even know that Edward has torn apart the
bed. (More on this in a few paragraphs.) She doesn't want to become a blood-craving
lunatic now, after discovering how neat sex feels. That almost makes sense. Except it
goes against every part of Bella's ideology and character. It would be like Indiana Jones
suddenly saying, "I no longer want to have adventures. I want to sit on the couch and eat
cheese curls because I've just discovered that cheese curls are delicious."
But I think the main reason she changed her mind suddenly is that Stephenie Meyer
doesn't know what else to do with her. In blog after blog I've been screaming that if Bella
became a vampire, everything would be splendid and this book would be over and we
could all go back to playing this game I just invited called Spit Golf (it uses saliva instead
of a golf ball and…Oh you get the idea.). Ms. Meyer knows I'm right, and needed a way
to keep Bella human long enough to knock out another book in the series. Before starring
in this chapter, I imagine Bella walking into Ms. Meyer's office and having the following
conversation:
BELLA: Hey boss, can we talk?
MEYER: Shut the door, sweetie. What's troubling you?
BELLA: Well, in the book, it doesn’t really make sense that I'm still human.
MEYER: Mmm-hmm.
BELLA: I mean, I should have became a vampire at the end of the first book. And then
Edward and I could have had a wonderful life together. It's what I always wanted.
MEYER: [FEEDS THE CROW PERCHED ON HER SHOULDER] Well, well, well.
Little Miss Ugly wants to be a vampire, is it?
BELLA: There's no need for name calling.
MEYER: Oh, I think there is. You can't come into my office and tell me how to do my
job. You will not become a vampire, my dear. Not now. Not until I have enough money
to buy Portugal and all the hats in the land…mwah-ha-ha! [OFFERS BELLA A
POISONOUS APPLE]
BELLA: Um…no thanks. I'm full. But it doesn't make sense. Why are Edward and I
even having a honeymoon together? We had sex. It was great. But shouldn't I be turned
into a vampire now? Wasn't that the deal? It's been weeks. Why am I going snorkeling
and wearing lingerie? Did you confuse my priorities?
MEYER: [BLOWS A KISS TO HER EVIL PET SNAKE] You don't like snorkeling,
my little lamb?
BELLA: No. It's fun. But…what are we waiting for? I thought I hated getting older. This
was my main motivating factor. Make me a vampire. After the big change, I can go
snorkeling all day, if I wanted.
MEYER: [STROKES THE EVIL CAT SITTING IN HER LAP] Run along, little lamb.
You do as I say, or else…
BELLA: No!
MEYER: [PATS HER EVIL TURTLE ON THE HEAD] What did you say?
BELLA: I’m not afraid of you.
MEYER: [SMILES WIDE LIKE THE GRINCH] Reeeeally?
BELLA: I know what you did to Jacob. You made him a weak crybaby. And I know you
killed E-rock. I'm going to call the cops. I'm going to—
MEYER: But my sweet little Bella, how will you call the cops without…your voice?!
[USES MAGIC POWERS TO STEAL BELLA'S VOICE]
BELLA: Mmm…gggrgl…
MEYER: Now, you will do what I say, when I say. If you don't like it, I will have your
character killed…by Marcus. Yes…how pitiful. You would be the laughingstock of my
kingdom.
BELLA: [LOOKS TO THE FLOOR, DEFEATED]
MEYER: [SCRATCHING THE BELLY OF HER EVIL PET SCHNAUZER] Go back
to your honeymoon, Swan. I have returned your voice. Go back and be boring and
senseless. You are to remain human until I'm ready. By the way, you're pregnant.
BELLA: That seems obvious and clichéd.
MEYER: "Obvious" and "Clichéd" are my middle names. [LIGHTNING CRASHES AS
MEYER CRADLES HER VILLAINOUS PET SEAHORSE]
Wait. I got lost in that scenario. What were we talking about? Oh yeah…So Bella wants
to say human, and I don't know why.
For most of this chapter, Bella is tired. Edward spends the day taking Bella on hiking
adventures and swimming underwater in an effort to drain her energy. It works, and at the
end of each day, she collapses and falls sound asleep.
Of course, Bella is still trying to have sex with Edward, despite his proclamation that no
special hugs will be given until she is a vampire. She prances around in her new
underpants, and Edward tries not to notice. The two remain PG-13. That all changes by
the end of the chapter, in yet another example of a character's rules and beliefs vanishing
for no real reason as Edward more or less says, "We can have sex after all. Forget
everything I've ever said."
They've been on the island for over a week now, and just about every night Bella has a
bad dream about babies. The author also makes a point to tell us that Bella eats a lot of
eggs in this chapter.
Hmm…egg imagery coupled with dreams of infants. I wonder if Bella is pregnant? It's
surprising that Stephenie Meyer didn't really drive the point home by having Bella say,
"Rabbits are a symbol of fertility. I'm overcome with the desire to own one. Isn't that
weird? Also, I've always wondered what my stomach would look like if it were filled
with another, tiny human being that shares my DNA. Oh well. I'm sure that thought is
irrelevant. By the way, I missed my period. I bet it's because I'm in love."
Bella tries to lure Edward into the bed. She even offers to attend Dartmouth for an entire
semester, if only Edward will get sexy with her. She's begging for sex. It's sad, and I feel
bad for her. She shouldn't have to make deals and schemes to enjoy time with her
husband. Edward is being a dork. And up until this part of the chapter, I sympathized
with Belly. But then she goes into the whole, "Now I want to be human forever," spiel
and a part of me dies inside. (I think it was my adrenal gland.)
Edward refuses the deal. And then comes page 106, in which Bella wakes up crying from
a dream. But it wasn't a bad dream. I don't know what the dream was about, but I think
she had sex with Edward on the beach…or something. Someone explain this to me, and I
will give you 20 Dan Points.
This wonderful dream makes her cry like a maniac, and Edward doesn't know what to do.
So…they have sex again. Problem solved.
Note: Edward would make a lousy camp counselor. He would sleep with every camper
who was homesick, or stung by a bee and began crying. It's the only way he knows how
to cope with tears.
This session of physical love is slightly less violent. Again, we don't witness the hug, just
read about it the morning after. Bella isn't injured at all this time. But Edward did
managed to destroy the bed frame and rip apart the headboard. Bella is shocked to see
this, and didn’t notice it had happened during the hugging process.
How?
How can someone not notice that a bed frame is breaking and the headboard is being
destroyed? If Bella needs to have her wisdom teeth extracted, don't bother with the
anesthesia. She just needs to have sex to take her mind off the surgery.
The two lovers giggle about the broken bed, and Edward is happy to report that he
controlled himself this time. As she eats her fertility symbolism eggs, Bella suggests that
with a little practice, things will only get better.
She then discusses going to Dartmouth. Edward laughs, thinking she's only saying this as
a way to persuade him back into bed. But Bella is being honest. She wants to be human!
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Bella suggests that staying human for a little while longer may be a good idea. She could
go to college and visit her mom in Florida and everything would be perfect. Edward likes
the idea and the two are about to have their third special hug, when the house cleaners
arrive.
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmnloieohjw634664itnhk
(My nose finally gave out.)
House cleaners? On a tropical island? In the middle of the day? In a home with many,
many windows?
Remember back in New Moon, when Edward's plan to commit suicide was to stand
topless in the sun, revealing to the world that vampires exist, and knowing that upon
doing so the Volturi would rip him apart? Remember that? I remember that. I also
remember that Stephenie Meyer told us all that vampires sparkle brightly in sunlight.
For 6,000 Dan Points, explain to me how these two house cleaners don't notice sparkling
Edward?
As soon as the house cleaners leave, Bella and Edward go at it for round three and I
wonder if this book has a plot, or if Ms. Meyer simply enjoys killing trees for the
precious pulpy paper material.
Prediction:
Excerpt from Page 678 of Breaking Dawn
Today was pretty cool, I guess. Edward got me another pony. It wasn't pink like I asked,
so I shot it in the face. Then Edward and I had sex…again. It was amazing and junk. He
broke another bed. Then Edward built me a castle. It's OK. It doesn't fly or anything. And
the elevator takes forever. Maybe I'll just use it as a closet.
I wanted to watch Snow White tonight, but we couldn't find the DVD. So Edward quickly
drew each and every animation cell and made a giant flip book for me. It sucked pretty
bad because Edward forgot to color in one of Dopey's shoes in this one scene. I burned
the flip book in a fire I made from beautiful antique furniture.
Edward asked if there was anything else I wanted. I said I wanted a kitten with the head
of a monkey. So Edward is out back bio-engineering. It better be pink.
I don't want to go to sleep because I'll have that horrible dream of having a paper cut. Oh
the horror! The thought of a paper cut fills me with dread. How can one soul deal with
such tragedy!
Edward just came into the room. The monkey-cat is finished. It's more red than pink.
Ugh. I hate my life.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 7
Chapter Seven:
Unexpected
Better Title: Totally
Expected
Bella's pregnant. We all
knew it. And now Bella
and Edward know it too.
Bella waking up in the
middle of the night to
find a note left by Eddie. He has slipped out to kill some animals. Because it's too warm
to sleep, Bella decides to make fried chicken. That makes sense. When I'm overheated,
the first thing I want to do is stand over a frying pan, with hot oil splattering my arms,
and then eat piping hot, fatty poultry. It's very refreshing.
But since Bella is stereotypically pregnant, she's hormonal and not being very logical,
which leads me to believe she has been pregnant since she moved to Forks. Don't laugh.
Since it seems vampire fetuses mature at a fast rate, it stands to reason that a different
type of monster fetus would grow at a slower rate, possibly taking years to develop. So
maybe she was knocked up by a ghost or very quiet were-rhino, back in Arizona.
She takes a few bites of chicken, but the taste doesn't agree with her, so she throws it
away. Eddie returns. The moment they begin to cuddle, Bella darts away and barfs in the
toilet. Edward is worried, but she assures him it's just food poisoning. They watch TV,
and she vomits again. Then she does some math in her head and realizes that she missed
her period.
This touching, dramatic scene works best if you read it while listening to Sarah
McLachlan's Angel, or this somber, thoughtful number.
Her mind races, and she doesn't know what to say. She tells Edward that she might be
pregnant, and he handles the news quite well. This part is hilarious. He passes out…sort
of. Then he stares off into space like a mannequin for a few pages. He doesn't speak,
move, or do anything. Bella, meanwhile, is trying to remember everything she knows
about vampire biology. As am I.
Here is how I understand things:
When a human is bitten by a vampire, and turned into a vampire, she is frozen at that age.
After you become a vampire, your body can never change. You will never get fatter, or
taller, and you can't get a dolphin tattoo on your shoulder. (This is why I need to get that
dolphin tattoo NOW!) Female vampires can't give birth because their bodies can't change
to accommodate a fetus. And for once, the Twilight mythos makes sense.
However, male vampires can reproduce. And again, I think that makes sense. Except…
Vampires are dead. They do not breathe. They don't have heartbeats. They don't have
bodily fluids such as tears, saliva, and snot. They don't sleep. And they are cold. They
are, in a very real way, doorknobs. There are two things I know about reproduction:
1. You can't get pregnant by kissing, even if you use tongues.
2. You can't get pregnant from a doorknob, even if you use tongues.
Like my fourth nostril, this pregnancy defies logic.
As Bella thinks things through, Edward's phone rings. Since catatonic Ed is acting less
like a supportive husband and more like a large doorknob, Bella reaches into his pocket
and answers it. Alice is on the other end. Obviously, she had a vision, though I'm not sure
how, since no one "decided" to get pregnant.
She asks Bella what's going on, but Bella wants to talk to Carlisle. Alice fetches him.
When Carlisle picks up the phone, Bella explains the situation, that she's probably
pregnant, and that Edward is completely useless. Edward snaps out of it and reaches for
the phone. He listens to Carlisle, and then hangs up and makes arrangements to fly back
home as soon as possible.
As Edward yells on the phone to various airlines, Bella has a quiet moment to herself and
reflects on the prospect of motherhood. Though she was never interested in having a baby
before, now that she's pregnant, and can feel the baby kick, it's a whole new ballgame.
Oh yeah. The baby is kicking, and Bella already has a baby bump. Not bad for being
pregnant for two weeks. It's not explained how she failed to notice her baby bump. Did
she think it was just "passion gas" living in her belly?
I assume vampire fetuses grow faster because of magic and because the story doesn't
have time to wait around for nine months. Of course, this means that the once the baby is
born, it should continue to grow faster. By the time it's ten, it should be in college. And
by the time it's 30, it should be yelling at the TV during Wheel of Fortune like my Pop-
Pop. And it will die before it reaches the age of 35. But I'm assuming once the baby is
born, Stephenie Meyer will toss out this rule of rapid maturity for the sake of making a
sweet and nice story.
Since the baby is going to pop out any minute now, I think it's time to come up with some
appropriate baby names.
Girl Names: Boy Names:
Bella 2 Sir Gandalf Dumbledore-Kenobi
Guinevere Hortense Olden-Name T-Pain
Millicent Jay-Z
Lil' Lamb J-Zee
Lil' Plot Device Santa
Grover-ette Bella-thew
Mulan Bella-thaniel
Optimus Beyonce Tito
Agent Scully New Charlie
Susan Sarandon L-Pain
Rosalie's Bane W-Pain
Kristen Convenient Miracle
Kirsten Grover
Irksten Abortion Parable
Riksten Cactus Pete
Oprah Cher Cactus Joe
She Who Whines and Touches Her Own Cactus Dave
Face Cactus Mark
Fats Cactus Thaddeus
Nichol Mike Newton's Bane
Knikole Lesser Dan Bergstein
Nickle
Bella thinks about Rosalie, and how badly that b-word wanted a child. If I were Bella, I'd
rub this in her face with sing-song taunts of, "I have a uterus and it works fine. Nah-nah,
nay-nee-ner!"
Edward finishes up his phone calls, and Bella wonders why he's so angry. At first she
thinks he's worried about the baby, but then learns he's worried only about her. His plan
is for Carlisle to "take care of this" by destroying the baby to save Bella's life.
Bella isn't too thrilled with the idea.
Sorry, folks, but there's no way in hell I'm going to discuss the topic of abortion, not even
for all the pancakes in the land. I respect you and your beliefs too much. Similarly, this is
why I will not talk about religion, euthanasia, and cinnamon. So instead of talking about
this part, here's a poem I wrote about mermaids.
Mermaid
By Daniel A. Bergstein
If I ate a mermaid, would it taste like fish?
Probably.
Is that cannibalism?
Would I go to jail?
What if I only ate the fish parts?
And sewed the human half to a pair of robot legs?

I would be a hero. The mermaid would finally know what it felt like to kick.
Then she would have to love me.

Moving on…
Bella is now protective of her unborn child, and she doesn't realize the danger she's in.
Just as Edward begins to argue about it, the house cleaners arrive.
In answer to the question from the last blog, the female house cleaner is aware that Eddie
is a vampire. She's very concerned for Bella, and in this awkward scene that seems to
have been written by a hyper six-year-old, the Brazilian woman and Edward argue over
Bella's safety.
It's never clear why they are fighting, but eventually the woman walks over to Bella,
touches her belly and says, "Morte." Either she's thinks this child is damned, or she wants
it to be named Morty. I think that's a great name. Even better, call it Cactus Morty.
The woman knows that the Cullens are vampires. Fair enough. So in the next chapter, the
Volturi will arrive, kill this woman, and slaughter all of the Cullens, right? Because they
broke the only vampire rule: Don't reveal the truth about vampires. Is it asking too much
for just a wee bit of logic and practically to appear in this story?
The house cleaners leave, and Edward takes the luggage down to the boat. Then Bella
steals Edward's phone and secretly calls Rosalie…probably to boast, "I have fallopian
tubes!"
Prediction:
On the plane home, Bella makes a startling discover.
EDWARD: Don't worry, Lamb. Everything will be fine.
BELLA: But it feels so strange. The baby is already kicking, and it's growing so fast.
EDWARD: Try to relax. We'll be home soon, and—
BABY: Hello?
BELLA: What the hell was that?
EDWARD: It came from your stomach.
BABY: Hello? Yeah, it's me. Your baby.
BELLA: I don't understand. How can—
BABY: I'm growing at an alarming rate. I can already walk and talk, and I'm reading at a
4th grade level.
BELLA: Really?
BABY: I also taught myself fractions.
BELLA: I’m so proud of you, my lion cub! I can't wait to touch your face!
EDWARD: We better kill it.
BELLA: But why? It already knows fractions, Edward! Fractions!
EDWARD: Yeah, but…but…what if you won't have any time to touch my face once the
baby is born?
BELLA: Don’t worry, Edward. With a new baby on the way, things are going to change.
But I still love you. How about if you be mommy's helper? Would you like that?
EDWARD: [UNDER HIS BREATH] Whatever. The baby better not touch my stuff and
get spit-up on everything.
BABY: Hey, mom, can you swallow a bike? I think I know how to ride one.
BELLA: [PICKS UP TINY BICYCLE]
EDWARD: No! What are you doing? That will kill you! Put that down or—
[EDWARDS PHONE RINGS]
EDWARD: [ANSWERS PHONE] Hello? Quil? How's it going? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. I see.
Well, I can ask her, but…[TO BELLA] Quil wants you to swallow this phone. He'd like
to speak to the baby.
BELLA: He's such a good guy. He probably just wants to tell the baby a bedtime story.
[SWALLOWS PHONE]
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 8
Chapter Eight:
Waiting for the Damn
Fight to Start Already
Bella's Title:
Concupiscence
Jacob! The middle
section of this book
shifts focus, and instead
of listening to Bella yap
about how her life is
worse than hell despite the fact that she gets everything she wants, we hear the story is
told from Jacob's point of view. And that means the chapter titles are actually fun. So, for
this section of the book, I will not include a "better title" but instead will include what I
think Bella would name the chapter.
This section begins with a one-sentence preface in which Jacob says his life is crappy. It's
not very Earth-friendly of the publisher to waste an entire page on this thought. It’s like
killing a baby tree. That's why I took the liberty of illustrating this page with a picture of
a bear that has tentacle arms flying over a turtle winning a limbo competition.
The "real" chapter begins on the next page, and it's a bit confusing at first. I was
anticipating more talk of Bella's pregnancy, though I suspect by this point the three-
week-old fetus is now a 90-lbs. person who manages the local Aeropostale.
Jacob is hanging out at his house with fellow werewolf Paul. It's been so long since the
wolves were featured in the story that I forgot some of their names. Plus, there are new
werewolves in the pack. I forget their names too. So let's call them Dan and Bergstein.
Paul has imprinted on Jacob's sister Rachel. I also forgot that Jacob had a sister. After
Paul used his imprintmanshipping powers on Rachel, the two fell in love forever and
ever. It's lovely and wonderful, just like Quil and Claire's relationship, except Paul fell in
love with a college student and Quil is dating someone who thinks SpongeBob can see
her through the TV. (Much, much more on Quil in a few paragraphs.)
With Paul and Rachel in love, Paul spends a lot of time at Jacob's place, and Jacob isn't
too thrilled. Paul and Jacob get into a typical dude fight, and Jacob breaks Paul's nose.
Since they're werewolves, Paul heals himself, and everyone is cool again.
Question: If you sliced off a werewolf's leg, would it grow back? And then, would the
severed leg grow another body? Or would his severed leg hop back to his body and
reconnect itself? And where does a werewolf's tail go? And how can we be sure that birds
can't read our minds? (The last one isn't about Twilight, but deals with a genuine fear I
have.)
Jacob would rather be alone right now. He knows that Bella is about to become a vampire
soon, and is bummed out. He wonders what the Cullens will use as a cover story. Will
they tell everyone she died? Such news would devastate the town. After all, Bella
touched the lives of so many people in Forks. No, wait. Never mind. Since she moved to
town two years ago, Bella only talked to, like, three people besides the Cullens. I'm sure
the town will get along just fine without her.
If Bella is killed in the process, or even if she is successfully transformed, it still means
the Cullens broke the peace treaty, which states that biting of any kind is prohibited. So
Jacob is looking for a fight, and hates waiting around for the battle to begin. I was ticked
off at Jacob for being too sad, but I like this aggressive Jake. Can I sign up for Team
Jacob again? When are the tryouts this year? Can I use last year's jersey? Pick me, I'm
good. I promise to bring Hawaiian Punch and orange slices for the entire team during
Twilight tournaments.
Bored out of his mind, he walks down to the beach, and finds Quil and Claire on a date. I
really shouldn't mock Quil too much because we learn that Claire is now three years old,
so it's far less creepy that he's dating her. (Sarcasm hand raised so high and so fast that it
broke the sound barrier, making a sonic boom loud enough that it ripped my eyebrows
out of my head.)
I've made a lot of jokes about Quil, but nothing I have ever written is as entertaining as
this section of the chapter. And by entertaining, I mean nightmarish.
Quil is on a date with a three-year-old. *sigh*
[Note: At this point, Dan slowly got out of his chair, walked to the window, and gazed
out at the sunset. After rubbing his eyebrow-less face with his hands and whispering
something that sounded like, "I just can't…" he returned to his desk.]
QUIL IS ON A DATE WITH A THREE-YEAR-OLD?!
The two lovebirds are playing on the beach. Alone. Claire's wonderful mom, who thinks
it's wise to let her daughter date shirtless teenage boys, is away, probably buying crystal
meth for underprivileged kids while feeding lead paint to puppies. We get the impression
that Quil spends most of his free time "babysitting" little Claire. I…I don't know what to
say.
Their relationship has always been funny. But now that we actually see Claire talking to
her boyfriend with real lines of dialogue such as, "Claire pay wad Quil awe day," it's less
funny than it is unnerving.
"Claire pay wad Quil awe day." That's an actual sentence in this book. I didn't make that
up. It's real.
Why…what…how...
[Note: At this point while writing, Dan slowly got out of his chair, went to the lake, and
sat on the bench for several hours. A concerned friend found him there, and asked what
was wrong. Dan, still staring out at the water, replied, "Why is this happening. She's
three! I'm so cold. Yet I'm sweating. Make her stop talking, man. Her words make it
worse. Why is this happening?"
His friend said, "There's nothing you can do, Dan. It's Twilight." He gave Dan a cup of
coffee and drove him home. Dan spent the rest of the night listening to Anya music, and
drawing a picture of bear with tentacle arms to help him relax.]
It's just a story. It's just a story. It's just a story.
Jacob is jealous of Quill’s relationship, because he seems to have it all. Jake says that
Quil isn't like most adults who would become annoyed after spending a few hours with a
three-year-old. Quil seems to enjoy it. He never gets frustrated or bored. It's sweet. And
do you know why Quil has a good time? It's because he's a pedophile. It's sweet.
Claire and Quil play with rocks on the beach, and Jacob asks if Quil ever thought about
dating someone his own age and letting Clair grow up. When Claire is a bit older,
perhaps after she masters the color green and understands that fire is hot, Quil can start
dating her again.
Quil says he only has eyes for Claire, and he's not interested in any other woman. Awww.
What a lovely sentiment. See, folks, it's OK because they're in love. Well, Quil is in love.
Claire is just going along with it because he probably gives her fruit snacks. Isn't love
grand?
Wolf Sam interrupts the passionate game of "dump rocks on the ground," by howling.
The guys need to turn into wolves to find out what's going on. But since Claire's mom is
out vandalizing churches and burglarizing retirement communities, Quil must first drop
his date off at the Clearwater house, where Sue can look after her.
Meanwhile, Jacob runs into the forest, takes off his denim shorts, and reveals his strong,
toned body. His sweaty, glistening muscles grab each ray of light like an enchanting
mirror begging you to stare into its smooth, perfect surface. His torso looks like a
sculpture of chocolate and butter that you just want to…um, what was I saying? Oh yeah,
Jacob turns into a wolf and runs to meet Sam. By the way, aren't girls super pretty? Yep.
As he runs, the other werewolves share mind-thoughts. They bicker and tease one
another. Wolf Leah and Wolf Jacob race to the meeting. He digs his nails "into the loam"
and runs off. Loam? Really? Loam means dirt, or earth. (I just Googled it.) But why use
that word? Better question: Why would Jacob use that word? The only people to use the
word loam are hoity-toity writers who think they're cool, or people with speech
impediments asking for a loan or foam.
At the meeting, Seth tells everyone that Charlie is upset. Carlisle called Charlie and told
him that Bella has come down with a "rare disease" while in South America and she must
be quarantined. (Anyone else notice that the names Charlie and Carlisle are similar? I'm
surprised Jacob's dad's name isn't Chisels, Char-Island, or Car-chase.) Jacob, perched on
the loam, suspects that this means Bella has been transformed and the Cullens have
begun using a cover story, not knowing that the real reason Bella is hiding is that she's
pregnant with a fetus who probably already has armpit hair.
Jacob, while standing on the loam, argues that this means war. The treaty has been
violated, so they should all kill the Cullens. The other werewolves, all of whom are on
loam, don't see it that way. They don't think the Cullens are a threat. And the treaty says
nothing about a human who wishes to be bitten. So Sam says everyone should just chill
out.
Jacob, remaining on the loam, doesn't like this, and he bounds away, running across the
loam urgently. After a while, he transforms back into a human, walks up the loamy road
to his house, and thinks about his plan to kill the Cullens.
I'm cheering.
Murmurs: 0 And with Edward and Bella off at Lamaze class, we may not get more
murmurs for a while. (Book Total: 19)
Prediction:
Quil and Jacob have a heart-to-heart conversation.
JACOB: I think it's weird and gross that you love a three-year-old. You're being a skeevy
loam-bag.
QUIL: But we're in love, so it's OK.
JACOB: Good point.
QUIL: I suppose you think it's wrong that I robbed the bank, too.
JACOB: Well, yeah.
QUIL: But I love robbing banks. Robbing banks makes me feel good and happy. How
dare you get in the way of my happiness?! It's not illegal if you're in love, Jacob.
JACOB: I'm not sure I follow that logic.
QUIL: It's like the time I ate broken glass. You said I was moron. But I said I love the
way glass tastes. And because I was in love with the taste of glass, nothing bad happened
when I ate it.
JACOB: You went to the hospital. They had to make a new throat for you out of horse
intestines. You couldn't talk for three years. And now your breath always smells like
horse farts.
QUIL: But I'm still alive, right? That's because love guided me. If you love something, it
isn't wrong at all.
JACOB: I kind of hate you and everything about you.
QUIL: I also love the way it feels to shove old people down the stairs, and I love
committing treason, and selling tainted milk to school districts, and smuggling
endangered animals into the country for the purposes of eating them, and talking loudly
during movies, and…
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 9
Chapter Nine: Sure as
Hell Didn't See That
One Coming
Bella's Title: Shadows
of the Inamorata
Passioned into the
Shadows of Lust
We're still in the mind
of Jacob, and I like his
gutsy attitude, but I
question his tactics. He wants to kill the Cullens, especially Edward. But he goes about it
all wrong. He just marches over to their house, looking for a fight. No. No. No. That will
never work. Jacob, you need a better plan.
First, dig a big pit in the woods. Then build a small, but adequate high school in the
bottom of the pit. The Cullens love high schools. Why else would they keep attending
high school for decades and decades? High school to the Cullens is like a porch light to a
moth, or pancakes to a Dan Bergstein. They can't resist it. With the school in place, this is
what will happen:
ALICE: I smell a high school!
ROSALIE: Huzzah! Let's go find it and sign up for classes!
JASPER: I'm going to take Physics again because kinetic energy is my life!
EDWARD: I can't decide what electives to take?! I'm so excited that I would pee my
pants if I was capable of producing urine. School is cool!
EMMETT: Y'all are idiots. This is a trap. I'm going home to make bullets out of the
fingers of my enemies.
JASPER: High school is so much fun because all we do is stick together and refuse to
interact with the other kids. Thus, our high school experience makes little, if any, sense.
ALICE: I hope my locker is inconveniently located! I love that!
And then, with all the Cullens in the pit (except Emmett, Esme, and Carlisle), Jacob just
needs to fill the pit with a corrosive acid and then watch the vampires melt. Then he can
go kill the weak and fancy Carlisle and Esme.
And then he can befriend Emmett and the two can form a band and go on tour and be my
friends and we can all live together in a this house that we'll call "The Danger Dome" and
we will stay up late playing video games and having Nerf battles and then on the
weekends we'll go to amusement parks and baseball games and my hair will be really
cool and no one will make fun of me and I will never cry ever again!
See? Isn't that a better plan?
But Jacob's plan is to ring the Cullen's doorbell and say, "Let's fight." He knows he will
probably die, but if he can at least kill Edward, he will die happy. Before leaving, he talks
with his dad, who doesn't think this is a good idea. But Jake hops on his motorcycle, and
rides off.
He arrives at the Cullen house, and hears "angry murmurs" from inside the home. That's
odd. When I perform my avant-garde dance routines, I go by the name Angry Murmurs.
(You can see my latest dance "This Is How Stairs Feel" performed in the mall parking
lot. But bring a plastic tarp, because it does get messy.)
Before Jacob even touches the door, it swings open, and he is greeted by Carlisle, who
says it's not a good time for a visit. After some angry murmuring in the background, it's
clear that Bella wants to see her second choice husband.
Inside, all the Cullens are lined up near Bella, who is sitting on the couch. Jake notices
that Edward looks awful, like someone just called him fat and then kicked him in the
shins. Bella doesn't look much better, but her appearance is less sad than sickly. There are
dark circle under her eyes, her pale skin is slick with sweat, and she's very thin and frail.
(i.e. She looks like any female cast member of a Tim Burton film.)
Jake is surprised to see that of all the vampires, Rosalie is the one taking care of Bella, as
the others just watch. Rose gives Bella a bucket, and Mrs. Cullen-Swan barfs
passionately into it.
Bella apologizes and Sad Edward falls on his knees by her side like a first-year drama
student who hasn't learned what "subtlety" means. Jacob approaches and asks what's
wrong and why Bella looks like zombie.
Bella says she's glad Jacob came to visit, and with help from Rose, she stands up and
shows Jacob her impressive baby bump.
Stop everything. We need to talk about this. Doesn't Bella's pregnancy need to be kept
secret? If Charlie found out, he would go insane, and he would probably uncover the
truth about the Cullens. That means the Volturi would come to town and kill everyone.
Knowing all this, Bella The Genius thinks telling Jacob is a super terrific thing to do.
Huh?
Jacob's a nice guy, but a werewolf can't keep secrets. The moment he turns into a wolf,
the other wolves will know about Bella, which means Charlie would find out in about ten
minutes. How could he not find out? His only friends, beside the television and memories
of his shattered love life, are werewolves and werewolf family members. Congratulations
Bella, you just killed your father, the Cullens, and everyone else in Forks.
Bella is once again ignoring all logic for the sake of being an over-dramatic attention hog.
Or, more likely, Stephenie Meyer didn't expect her readers to actually remember the rules
of vampires and werewolves.
At first, Jacob doesn't understand why Bella's body looks strange. Then he realizes that
she's pregnant and, like the rest of us, can't figure out how she could be that pregnant in
just one month.
He also realizes that this demon child is killing her, and making her sick. The thought that
Edward did this to her makes him crazy, and he wants to kill Edward right away. But
Jasper and Emmett step in and stop a fight from breaking out.
It's Emmett! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I'm making you a mix CD of songs I think you'll
really like. I'm also making you a mix DVD of all my favorite episodes of The West
Wing and Golden Girls. And I'm making you a mix book, filled with my favorite words
such as "cider," "knuckles," and "light saber." And I'm making you a mix quilt made of
all my favorite types of fabric (lots of denim!). And I'm making you a mix cereal that
contains all my favorite cereals (I know you don't eat cereal, but you can still smell it).
And I'm making you a mix dog made using DNA from my favorite dogs (and one lucky
hamster). This is going to be the best Columbus Day ever!
Jacob doesn't care that the odds are stacked against him. He knows he will be killed, but
also knows he can take out a few of the vampires in the process. Edward tells Jacob that
they'll handle this outside and the two Bella-addicts head out the door.
Jacob doesn't like the way Edward looks. Eddie is too sad and down in the dumps.
Awwww. Poor, poor Edward. And then someone else must take over narrating this book,
because it sure as hell isn't Jacob. Jacob would never have the following thought:
For a second I was just a kid—a kid who had lived all of his life in the same tiny town.
Just a child. Because I knew I would have to live a lot more, suffer a lot more, to ever
understand the searing agony in Edward's eyes.
Jacob would not think that. Maybe E-Rock took over the narration. Or maybe Stephenie
Meyer held a contest and the winner could write one paragraph of this book, and the
contest ended in a tie between Nicholas Sparks and John Mayer. That's the only
explanation I have for that paragraph.
Even if Edward looked sad, and even if Jacob felt a bit sorry for him, Jake wouldn't stop
everything to think this thought. He wouldn't sympathize with Edward. He came here to
kill him. He came here to rip his head off and eat his feet. If Jacob suddenly felt bad for
Edward, he wouldn't stand there writing awful prose. That paragraph should have been
written as such:
Edward was all like, "Waaah. I suck because I'm a big baby who sucks and has no
friends." Whatever. I'll leave the big baby alone and come back later to kill him and eat
his feet, because that's how I roll. What-what!
As bad and silly as Jacob's thoughts are, the chapter gets even worse. Eddie and Jacob's
conversation becomes too goofy for words, so let's describe it as a flavor. The
conversation becomes salty licorice.
Edward knows that Bella's pregnancy is his fault, and the thought literally brings him to
his knees. So Edward is now kneeling before Jacob. Kick him in the chin, Jacob! Give
him a karate chop to the eye! Do something!
Edward tells him that the child is killing Bella. Jake asks why Carlisle doesn't remove the
child before it destroys Bella, and Edward says Bella won't allow it.
Again, I'm not going to talk about abortion. Instead, here's a poem I wrote about Zebras.
Zebra
By Daniel Adam Bergstein
Never ever fret, when making Zebra stew.

If your run of zebra meat, a normal horse will do.
And if a substitute for Zebra milk is what you desire,
Add garlic to some dog milk, and let it simmer on the fire.
Jacob asks why the vampires are sitting around and letting Bella call the shots. They
could easily sedate her, and then remove the baby/demon. Sad Edward says Bella called
Rosalie from their honeymoon island, and when Edward and Bella returned home, Bella
ran into Rose's arms. Now Rose is acting as Bella's protector and BFF (Bella Fetus
deFender).
We all know Rose wants a baby. It makes sense that she's protective of Bella. But since
she's the only one supporting Bella, it could make things a tad awkward in the future.
When the baby is about 10 years old (which should happen in the next few weeks), I'd
hate to be around when it starts asking the tough questions.
OPTIMUS BEYONCE: Hey daddy, can I ask you a question? Aunt Rose says you
didn't want me to be born.
EDWARD: Um…
OPTIMUS BEYONCE: Do you love me?
EDWARD: No. You made mommy very sick and sweaty. I will never forgive you for
that.
OPTIMUS BEYONCE: OK. By the way, why does Uncle Quil lurk outside my
window?
EDWARD: I'm not sure. I think he just really enjoys windows.
Bella and Rose want this child to be born, and there is nothing Edward can do about it,
except ask Jacob to have sex with his wife.
You'll probably need a moment to absorb that information. Go ahead and stare out at the
lake. It helps.
Using Edward-Logic, if Bella can have a safe baby with Jacob, she might be willing to
get rid of the demon baby currently living in her guts. Edward wants to pimp out Bella to
Jacob. He wants Jacob to have sex with her, and give her a child, a child that won't kill
her. He wants his wife to make sweet love to another man. And, according to Edward
The Wise, this should solve all their problems.
This doesn't make sense. It doesn't even make Twilight-sense. How would this make
Bella feel better? She wants the child that's in her guts right now. She doesn't want any
other baby. She, foolishly, wants Optimus Beyonce. Is Edward trying to pull one over on
Bella? Is he gong to swap out the fetuses or something? She can tell the difference
between Optimus Beyonce and some werewolf baby, Edward. She's an idiot, but she's not
that dumb.
If Edward babysat my goldfish, and the goldfish died, he would try to replace it with a
different goldfish and hope I didn't notice the swap, and if I noticed the difference, he
would force me to have sex with a werewolf.
Jacob doesn't quite understand what Edward is offering. After Edward explains it again
and again, Jake's mind doesn't know how to process this. I know how to process this. You
change into a wolf, chew off Edward's head, and then hop on your motorcycle and ride to
my house for pancakes.
Instead, Jake thinks about living out his fantasy of having children (and special hugs)
with Bella. Edward pleads with him again and again. Jake must at least ask Bella to have
sex in exchange for giving up Optimus.
Jacob hates the ideas, not because it's crude, chauvinistic, and all-around creepy. He hates
the thought of Bella saying no, and doesn't want to be rejected by Bella again.
Hey Edward, if Jake says no, you can probably get Mike Newton to bone your beloved. If
he's busy, you can ask E-rock. Or pay one of the thugs in Port Angeles to get the job
done. Or put a Dora the Explorer backpack on Bella, toss her into Quil's room, and see
what happens.
I hate Edward.
And then, out of nowhere, Jacob agrees to this deal.
I dislike Jacob.
Prediction:
Rosalie and Bella talk about babies.
ROSALIE: Eeeeee! Aren't you so super jazzed about having a baby!?
BELLA: Totally! Although it sucks that I'm dying inside.
ROSALIE: Don't worry about it. You'll be fine. I'll make you some soup later.
BELLA: Thanks. You're the best, Rose.
ROSALIE: No problem, Belly. I just can't wait for you to give me your baby.
BELLA: Um…What?
ROSALIE: I thought you were going to give me your baby.
BELLA: Why would you think that?
ROSALIE: You didn't get me a Christmas present last year. And you know I really want
a baby. So…
BELLA: You're not getting my baby. And I gave you an iPod for Christmas, so shut up.
ROSALIE: Pfff. An iPod Nano. That doesn't count. That's like giving me socks.
BELLA: You can't have my baby. It's mine. I made it!
ROSALIE: Come on. Quit being such a jerk.
BELLA: No.
ROSALIE: We can share, can't we? I can have it every other day.
BELLA: No deal!
ROSALIE: I'll give you $50 and my lava lamp.
BELLA: No!
ROSALIE: I'll give you $65 and a Starbucks gift card that still has, like, $13 on it.
BELLA: Hmm…
ROSALIE: And I'll teach you how to lace your shoes in that cool, sideways manner.
BELLA: I'll think about.
ROSALIE: Hey Bella, look over there! Edward's bending over and you can see his butt!
[With Bella distracted, Rosalie leans in towards Bella's stomach and whispers]
ROSALIE: I'm your mommy. I'm your mommy. This is your mommy's voice. I'm your
mommy.
BELLA: Edward's butt is neat! *sigh*
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 10
Chapter Ten: Why
Didn't I Just Walk
Away? Oh Right,
Because I'm an Idiot.
Bella's Title: Delicate
Delicateness
Dear Bella Swan-Cullen,
You don't know me, but I

wanted to wish you the
best of luck with your pregnancy. You are brilliant and wise, and the way you defy logic is
admirable. I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering, but belief in magic will surely get you through
this difficult time.
At first, I was a bit worried. Edward said, and Dr. Cullen agreed, that the child in your belly will
kill you. And they had good reason to be concerned. The baby, while only a month old, is already
bruising your stomach and destroying your body. Your belly looks gross. Jacob describes you as
looking like a zombie. You're not in good shape. And I was about to write you a letter
encouraging you to listen to science and facts.
But then I read your reasons for keeping the baby, and now all my fears are at rest. When you told
Jacob that you would survive because you felt magical and lovely, I knew you made the right
decision. And you've encouraged me to do the same.
Recently my tooth has been causing some mild discomfort. I was about to make an appointment
with the dentist, when I passed out from the pain. During this nap, I had a dream in which my
tooth was healthy and perfect. When I awoke, I realized that the dream was trying to send me a
message. My tooth didn't need to be looked at by a "professional." My tooth was going to be fine,
thanks to dreams and magic.
Thank you, my sage, for showing me the way to a healthy lifestyle.

Dan
P.S.
Optimus Beyonce would make a lovely name for a boy or a girl.
*phew*
It wasn't easy writing that letter with my sarcasm hand raised above my head so high that
skin began stretching and cracking in my armpit.
This chapter is frustrating for a variety of reason. First, Bella tells Jacob that she will
have this baby because she believes in magic and has a warm fuzzy feeling that
everything will work out in the end.
I can understand that a mother-to-be would feel protective of her child. But Bella's reason
is hilarious. Magic? Really? She tells Jacob that he needn't worry about her health
because she feels magical. She even had a dream about the child, so there's nothing to
worry about.
If dreams came true, then I would be stuck inside a giant circus tent, covered in grape
juice and unable to find my shoes. That's the dream I had last night. According to Bella-
logic, I should be engulfed in a circus tent while shoeless and drowning in grape juice
any minute now. So I better make this quick.
After some prying from Jacob, Bella reveals her ultimate plan: She knows she will die
giving birth to Optimus Beyonce, but she hopes Carlisle will transform her into a vampire
at the last possible moment, thus saving her life. He's done the same thing for Rosalie,
Esme, and Emmett. He hates to see humans die, and both Jacob and Bella agree that
Carlisle is the nicest man in all the land.
Pff. Please.
If Carlisle is so great, why does he let anyone die, from his patients at the hospital to the
poor Volturi victims, one of whom was probably a little boy with dreams of one day
being an astronaut, not knowing that instead of becoming an astronaut, he would become
vampire pee. Since Carlisle just stands around letting this happen, I won't be throwing
him a parade any time soon. I am throwing a parade for Batman, but this is less a parade
than it is me walking down the street screaming, "Batman is good!" while shaking a
tambourine and holding a 75-foot Garfield balloon. (The giant-balloon store was out of
Batmans.)
Jacob and Bella chit-chat for while, while the rest of the Cullens hang out outside. I
always like when Jake and Bella talk, and there are a few moments of real friendship
popping up in the conversation, but once the small-talk is out of the way, the
conversation goes downhill, across the river, up the hill, and down another, more
ridiculous hill.
Bella explains her magical reasons for keeping the baby, and Jacob tries to use common
sense to change her mind.
Once again, I will not discuss abortion. So instead, here is a poem I wrote about Choo
Choo Trains.
Choo Choo Trains
If I were a train conductor

And someone asked, "What do you do for a living?"
I would say,
"I tame giant robotic snakes."
And I wouldn't be lying.
Choo
Choo
Back to the story. Bella and Jacob don't see eye-to-eye, and when Jacob proposes
Edward's Guide for a Better Marriage, Bella balks at the idea. Can you blame her?
Edward wants Jacob to sleep with his wife. That makes less sense than my new
invention: Edible handcuffs! I call them Shnackles: The Shackles that taste OK! (I need a
better tag line and probably better flavors. Currently it comes in Lime, Carrot, and Milky
Beef.)
Defeated, and pissed, Jacob leaves Bella, once again saying it's the last time he will see
her. Fat chance. Jake could have added, "And I will only eat one pizza bagel from the
box." In the past few books, Jacob has left Bella about 67 times. Each time he comes
crawling back. It's one of the few things I hate about Jacob. I also hate that he doesn't
friend me on Facebook. (I think it would be too forward of me to friend him first.)
Wait! Maybe he did friend me while I was typing this! Nope. He didn't. Neither did
Oprah. [Dan wipes single tear from his amazing cheek]
Outside the Cullen house, Jacob peels off his tight denim shorts, showing us every angle
of his toned body, the curve of his bicep looking like a roller coaster track that eyes, and
perhaps fingers, cannot help but ride…um…GIRLS HAVE BOOBS AND I LIKE
BOOBS!
He transforms into a wolf, and his mind is met with anxious reactions from the other
wolves. Jacob's mind-thoughts are shared with the pack, and soon everyone knows that
Bella is knocked up with the fetus that is killing her. The wolves all meet at Jake's house
and a few sentences later, I threw the book across the room, picked it up, shoved it down
the stairs, and then kicked it while screaming, "I trusted you! I brought you into my room,
where I sleep! I held you in my arms! Why must you treat me this way!" Then I walked
outside and went to my Thinking Lake.
This chapter is where Stephenie Meyer must have thrown her head back and laughed,
"Screw it!" This section is hilarious and awful. It's so forced and contrived. The
characters are only acting this way because Ms. Meyer is bored and needed villains
before her book became as empty as my ghost-catching jar. (Note: Ghosts cannot be
contained in jars, even sticky jars that still have some applesauce chunks lining the
bottom.)
Out of nowhere, Sam Uley turns into Darth Uley. He ignores his own character traits. He
is no longer a strong leader and level-headed warrior. Instead, he becomes evil for no
other reason than the fact that Stephenie Meyer hates me.
Sam, leader of the werewolves, wants to kill the Cullens. All of them. Even Bella. He's
worried about this creature dwelling in Bella's belly. It could be some sort of super-
vampire that will wipe out the entire town.
What?
Mere pages ago, Sam told everyone that if the Cullens broke the treaty and turned Bella
into a vampire it was no big deal. He trusted the Cullens. But upon learning that Bella is
preggers, he's ready to kill everyone, including Bella?!
Don't get me wrong, I think the Cullens should all die (except Emmett). But there are
much better reasons to slay the vampires than Bella's pregnancy. Such as.
1. The Cullens let people die in Italy.

2. They steal cars in Italy and think stealing is fun.
3. They probably don't pay taxes.
4. Alice.
5. They have, at one time or another, killed innocent humans beings, and
their only punishment for these crimes is immortality, beauty, and great
wealth.
6. It would end this book.
7. It would make me happy.
8. They are boring and I hate them.
9. They treat Bella like a queen, despite the fact that she has not done one
nice thing for anyone except for make dinners for Charlie. (Can you name one
nice thing Bella has done? If so, you win 50 Dan Points.)
10. It's the end of August and there's nothing else to do.
Those would be legitimate reasons to kill the Cullens. But to have Sam flip out because
Bella is knocked-up had me laughing with anger. Why did Ms. Meyer suddenly make the
werewolves the "bad guys"?
Jacob is on my side. He thinks Sam is crazy. Why would Sam care that Bella is pregnant?
Sure, there's a chance that the baby is an evil demon. Fair enough. But even Sammy
agrees that the baby might be fine. Though he's worried that if the baby is fine, it would
still be a newborn vampire, and that cannot happen.
Stop the Robotic Snake.
Sam didn't care that Bella was going to be a newborn vampire, so why does he care about
Optimus Beyonce being a newborn vampire? Answer me! For reasons too ridiculous to
discuss further, Sam orders his wolf pack to kill the Cullens (all of them, even Bella and
Optimus) tonight.
I'm glad that the fight is finally going to happen, but I would have preferred the fight to
be about something rational. I guess asking for Twilight to be rational is like asking the
ground to be the sky. Choo Choo.
Murmurs: 1 (book total: 21)
Mutters: 2 (book total: 15)
Prediction:
Jacob returns to try and talk some sense into Bella one last time.
JACOB: Bella, you have to run away. The werewolves are coming to kill you…and why
are you drinking mercury? Mercury is highly toxic!
BELLA: I know it is, silly. But I had this dream in which I drank mercury and nothing
bad happened. So…
JACOB: You're a lunatic. Anyway, you must leave. NOW!
BELLA: No. The werewolves won't hurt me. I had a dream that the werewolves would
come to the door, and give me a giant ice cream cake, and then a flying hippo would
carry me to a fairy land where I shall live the rest of my days.
JACOB: But that was just a dream.
BELLA: What should I wear when riding a flying hippopotamus? I'm thinking jeans, but
I don't want to show up to the fairy land looking like a bum.
JACOB: There is no flying hippo. You're not going to Fairy Land. You are going to die.
The wolves are coming.
BELLA: Not according to my dream. And I have a feeling in my right leg that tells me
the flying hippo should be arriving soon.
JACOB: That magic feeling is just your leg falling asleep because you're sitting on it.
BELLA: No. Pretty sure it's magic. Fairy Land is going to be wonderful!
JACOB: Bella, why are you lighting your hair on fire?
BELLA: I have this feeling, deep inside my heart, that lighting my hair on fire will result
in me being a famous movie star.
JACOB: But…
BELLA: Hush. Hush. A woman knows these things. You wouldn't understand. It's called
women's intuition. And when a woman has a feeling that lighting her hair on fire will
result in becoming a movie star, she knows best. Screw the doctors. They don't know
everything.
JACOB: I'm going away now.
BELLA: Before you go, can you give me the scissors? Something tells me that if I jam
the scissors into my ear, candy will pop out of my belly button, and I'm ever so hungry.
JACOB: No. I refuse to help you in this—
ROSE: Here Bella. Let me get those scissors for you.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 11
Chapter Eleven: The
Two Things at the
Very Top of My
Things-I-Never-Want-
To-Do-List
Bella's Title: Blah Blah
Blah Dreams Blah Blah
This chapter picks up
where the last chapter
left off, as Jacob tries to
defy Sam's order to kill the Cullens, Bella, and the unborn Optimus Beyonce. Sam's
sudden change into villain who wants to kill pregnant ladies is too funny to take
seriously. But Jacob doesn't think it's very amusing at all, and though a werewolf must
obey the Alpha Male, Jacob has Alpha Male blood running through his veins. So get
ready for a wolf smackdown! Just kidding. Sam and Jake don't fight. They just talk and
show off their sharp teeth.
Showing off my teeth is how I win most fights. Well, to be honest, I was only in one fight
and it ended with her saying, "Stop smiling at me, weirdo. Just give me your damn
wallet." I gave her my wallet, and that's the last I time I ever saw Halle Berry. (I miss
you, Berry Blossom!)
Jacob finally and firmly tells Sam that he will not follow the order to kill the Cullens.
And then Wolf Sam and Wolf Jacob have a heated argument that almost becomes
exciting, but ends with Jacob running into the woods alone, for about the 900th time in
this series. Jake always runs into the woods. He does it when he's mad. He does it when
he's sad. He does it no matter what happens.
DENTIST: It looks like you haven't been flossing, Jake.
JACOB: Oh yeah?
[JACOB RUNS INTO THE WOODS]
SANTA CLAUS: And what would you like for Christmas, Jacob?
JACOB: Um…
MAN: Flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.
JACOB: I'll never stop loving Bella! NEVER!
As Jake races to warn the Cullens of the attack, this chapter has the potential to become a
real page-turner, an action-packed, tense episode that will certainly spice up the otherwise
sleep-inducing plot of this glorified piece of vampire fan-fiction.
Think of it: Jacob has only a matter of moments to get to the Cullen house and warn the
vampires. Once he gets there, the tension builds as everyone waits for the wolf attack. It's
quiet. It's…too quiet. Jacob's mind is no longer connected to the other wolves because he
left the pack. He's blind now. His only friend is Seth. He doesn't know where or when his
former brothers will strike. He rushes through the forest trying to spot the wolves. Time
is running out!
It's the stuff adventure stories are made of. You have a likable character faced with a real
problem. The stakes have been raised and the hero is presented with an obstacle that
seems insurmountable. You have betrayal. You have romance. And you have GIANT
FREAKING WEREWOLVES! So how did Stephenie Meyer screw up this scene?
Put aside the fact that for some idiotic reason the werewolves are now the bad guys. This
chapter is poorly written. Ms. Meyer knows that using short sentences can fool the reader
into thinking things are exciting, but she forgets to make these sentences coherent.
All the tension, all the excitement, all the possible fun grinds to halt thanks to someone's
inability to write a good action scene. I'm not asking for transforming robots that destroy
entire planets, but surely Ms. Meyer could have written something more action-packed
than this conversation between Seth and Jacob after Seth finds Carlisle and Esme in the
woods:
"Boy, were they surprised to see me! They're probably inside by now. Carlisle said
thanks."
"He's a good guy."
"Yeah. That's one of the reasons why we're right about this."
WHAT?! In the Dark Knight, as Batman and Commissioner Gordon race to save Rachel
and Harvey Dent, Gordon didn't call Batman to say:
GORDON: Hey Batman, saving Rachel is a good idea. She's really nice.
BATMAN: I know. She's nice and does nice things. But Harvey Dent is a nice man, too.
GORDON: I sure hope we can save both of them in time.
BATMAN: That would be great. For reals!
GORDON: Anyway. I'll let you go. Hey, did you hear that Justin Bieber is going to be
on CSI? Totally TiVo-ing that!
BATMAN: Yippee!
You don't stop a tense scene like this to let characters chit-chat. And you also don't write
vague descriptions of what's going on, such as, "We'll run patrols," and "I'll take half the
circle. Move fast—we don't want them to have a chance to sneak past us." Tell us what's
going on!
I read this chapter twice, trying to figure it out. As near as I can tell, Seth is running
around the Cullen house in a circle, looking for the evil wolves (or e-wolves), while
Jacob runs in a half circle that somehow overlaps Seth's circle, but then Seth howls for
some reason that I still don't understand, and Edward thinks something is wrong, but
doesn't really care because something is happening with Bella. But for all I know, this
chapter is about Jacob and Seth buying strawberry preserves from the local farmer's
market.
If Stephenie Meyer wrote the script for the next James Bond movie, it would read like
this:
James Bond drives his car in a northern direction. Then he turns the wheel and steers the
car slightly west. Then he does something with a gun.
JAMES BOND: I'm using a gun now.
James Bond then does something else. Also, there are other cars on the road. James Bond
hits some of the cars. But other cars are not hit at all. Then James Bond moves in such a
way that he is no longer in the same position he was before. His arm isn't on fire. He
turns to his enemy.
JAMES BOND: I'm mad at you!
James Bond then flies an airplane. Did I mention that there's an airplane? Because that's
kind of important. Anyway, James Bond then uses his arms somehow and something
happens. The bomb doesn't go off. (Did I mention there was a bomb?) James Bond then
begins to date a 5-year-old, and no one thinks it's weird.
This chapter should have been awesome! It should have read like an episode of 24.
Instead, reading it is like listening to a little kid describe an episode of 24, after tasting
Mountain Dew for the first time. "And then this guy did this thing with this other thing,
and then it was, like, WOOOSH!"
So Jacob and Seth leave the wolf pack and form their own "Good Guy" pack. They want
to save Bella from evil Sam. They run up to the Cullen house, and Edward reads their
minds and understands that Jake and Seth are here to help. Jasper and Emmett don't trust
the good guys at first, and there is another boring standoff.
Emmett is here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I tried to kill a bear for you, but it wouldn't
hold still and the tour guide at the zoo was being a total ass about it. He also said my
karate chop was too weak to kill a bear. So instead, I killed a cup of yogurt for you.
Yogurt is alive, so technically I'm a hunter, just like you! I am…a yogurt slayer! (Can
someone toss me a towel? My karate hand is covered in yogurt.)
After scoping things out, Jacob thinks the e-wolves are going to call off the attack tonight
because they know the Cullens are ready. Plus, the e-wolves have lost the mighty Jacob
and the somewhat goofy Seth, so they need to plan things out before they attack again.
So, if the wolves aren't going to attack, you'd think the Cullens would try to…I don't
know…make a preemptive strike? Maybe pick up the phone and call Tanya and her crew
down for the night? Or grab a few guns.
Why do they always have to fight hand-to-hand? Guns can kill werewolves, right? I love
werewolves, but I know they're not immortal. Werewolf skin isn't hard like that of
vampires. So why couldn't the vamps just shoot the wolves, or have Emmett chop their
heads off with his sword-skis? By the way, "Sword-Skis" is Russian for "Emmett."
The chapter ends with Jacob looking into the Cullens' window and seeing a very ill Bella
in a hospital bed with lots of medical equipment stuck into her body, so it's just a matter
of time before Optimus Beyonce is born. That means moving Bella someplace safe is
probably out of the question.
You know what else is obviously out of the question? Diplomacy.
Why isn't Carlisle picking up the phone to talk to Sam? Why is no one willing to use
logic? If Sam understood that Optimus Beyonce is not a threat to the La Push crew, then
Sam will have to call off the attack.
And why aren't Emmett and Jasper out running in circles with Jake and Seth?
And why were Carlisle and Esme walking in the woods?
And why don't the werewolves ever use their jetpacks?
And who's making Charlie's dinner!?!?!
Prediction:
The battle between the wolves and the vampires begins, and Stephenie Meyer lets Bella
describe it thusly:
I could hear the wolves galloping in the distance. They were running to a place, the same
place that I stood. I stood in this place not knowing what would happen. Everyone I loved
was more beautiful than I could ever be. I loved two people, and yet those two people
were somehow not the same people that I once knew. The hour grew late, and my life
was like a drop of water on the back of serpent that dwelled inside a cloud made of hope
and ice. People are things that I know.
The vampires stood with their smooth muscles reflected in the pale moon, like warriors
standing on a leaf in Poland. Soon, the war would begin.
And then the war happened.
The next day, I awoke to find Edward had given me a check for $100,000, and built me
my own ark. Yet, how can I ever be happy in world where two people that I love were
people that I could not un-love with a love that wasn't true? The darkening sky was my
answer. Loam.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 12
Chapter Twelve: Some
People Just Don't
Grasp the Concept of
"Unwelcome"
Bella's Title: Fragile
Fragility
Seth and Jacob are still
patrolling the Cullen
property, looking for the
suddenly evil
werewolves. Again, it's not explained why Emmett and Jasper aren't helping out. I'm not
sure what they're doing inside the house. Maybe Jasper is in the middle of a jigsaw
puzzle, and Emmett is busy making razor-sharp boomerangs that he calls "Doom-erangs."
Or maybe Stephenie Meyer doesn't like having too many characters "on screen" because
it gives her a headache.
Suddenly, Wolf Leah shows up, and she begins to bicker with Jacob and her brother Seth.
After some teasing, she tells them that she left Sam's pack and wants to join Jacob's pack,
which I have called The Red Barons. Jacob hates the idea, because he doesn't like Leah.
She's mean, bossy, and an all-around miserable werewolf.
But the way she fights with Jacob makes me think that these two may eventually fall in
love. I hope I'm wrong, because Jacob should marry someone awesome, like Wonder
Woman or Paula Dean.
Leah doesn't want to be a part of Sam's pack (she had reasons, but I don't remember any
of them, so let's say she left because of dragons). She had no place else to go except to
Jacob and Seth. She hates the vampires, and doesn't think helping the Cullens is a wise
move, but she's also protective of her little brother, Seth. Pages and pages pass, and
eventually Jacob allows her to join The Red Barons.
Seth and Leah continue their patrol, and Jacob transforms back into a human to talk with
Edward and walks up to the Cullen house. But instead of Edward, Jacob is greeted at the
door by Dr. Cullen. Before going inside, Carlisle and Jacob sit on the porch and Jacob
can hear noises inside the house. He listens to Alice, Emmett, and Jasper talking. He
listens to Esme humming. And he listens to Edward and Rosalie breathing.
But vampires don't breathe. Maybe Jacob mistakenly heard Edward and Rose modestly
farting. Or maybe Stephenie Meyer can't keep even the simplest details of her story
straight.
And then Carlisle and Jacob start talking abortion.
Once again, I'm not going to discuss abortion. Instead, here's a poem about wizards.
Wizards
Harry Potter is strong and gifted with power.

He can do marvelous things, make enemies cower.
But he doesn't know math; they don't teach that at 'Warts.
So I'm wiser than he, and his mathless cohorts.
Suck on that, Mr. Potter. You're not so great.
What good is a wand, if you can't calculate?
Run away with your spells and philosopher rocks.
I'll rule your world with a basic knowledge of stocks.
After Carlisle and Jake chit-chat about abortion (in a roundabout way), Carlisle asks a
typical question I get asked a few times each day: Did you study chromosomal pairs?
Jake quickly responds, "Yes. We have twenty-three, right?"
I think Stephenie Meyer stopped writing these books after the second chapter of New
Moon, and simply set her computer to auto-pilot. Or she wrote this book in Russian, had
it translated into French, and then into German, Latin, Elvish, and then back into Russian,
and then had it translated into English. How else could you explain this awkward, forced
dialogue?
Anyway, Carlisle explains that vampires have 25 chromosomal pairs, as opposed to
human beings, who have only 23. (I just checked, and I have 15 on my front, and I can't
tell how many are on my back, but it feels like 8.)
I'm not a scientist, but this seems to make sense. Vampires are immortal, drink blood,
have super strength, run faster than a car, read minds, and predict the future simply
because they have two extra chromosomes. Yep. That explains it. (Both sarcasm hands
raised, and I typed this by crying tears of frustration onto my keyboard at a velocity
strong enough to press the keys.)
Now, along with, "Because Bella loves Edward," we can add "Vampires have two extra
chromosomes," to the list of answers to my Twilight questions.
Why do the Cullens keep going to high school? Because vampires have two extra
chromosomes.
Why is Bella immune to some, but not all vampire powers? Because vampires have two
extra chromosomes.
How can the Cullens travel on airplanes and go to Florida without glittering? Because
vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Why won't Alice's powers work on werewolves? Because vampires have two extra
chromosomes.
Why don't the Vulturi kill the Cullens? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Where do werewolf tails go? Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Jacob asks how many chromosomes werewolves have, and Carlisle says 24. Ooh! That
explains why my calf flexing hasn't turned me into a werewolf. I need another
chromosome. Can I borrow someone's chromosome? I'll give it back. I just want to try
something. You can give me one that you don't need. The chromosome that controls hair
growth, for instance. You don't need your hair to grow today, right?
I'll trade you half a Pop-Tart for it? The Pop-Tart is S'more flavored! Wait. Hold on! Are
there extra chromosomes in S'more flavored Pop-Tarts? I have an idea! I'll be right back!
Squeeeeeeeee!
[17 minutes later]
Not sure if it's working yet. But after eating an entire box of Pop-Tarts, I can feel
something stirring inside me. Could be the sugar. Could be the extra chromosomes. It's
hard to tell. Though I am hyper. WANNA RIDE BIKES?
Anyway.
Carlisle doesn't know if Bella's child, Optimus Beyonce, is going to be more human or
more vampire, and Rosalie won't let him study the fetus, or even let him examine some
amniotic fluid, because Rosalie is as sensible as Bella. So Carlisle has no idea what will
happen, but he does know the baby is starving, and Bella is starving too.
Gee. I wonder why the baby is starving. I can't imagine what a baby that is part vampire
would want to eat. Hmm. That's a real stumper. Not even if Sherlock Holmes teamed up
with Batman and CSI: Miami could this riddle be solved.
Oh wait. The baby wants blood.
Carlisle and the rest of the Cullens are too dense to realize that the fetus wants blood.
How could they not consider this? (Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.)
Perhaps they're too busy dreaming about high school and being apathetic towards the
countless humans being killed in Italy at the hands of the Volturi, one of whom was
probably an unorthodox English teacher who not only taught his students about literature,
but also taught his students about life. Carpe Diem!
Jacob is the only one wise enough to realize that Optimus Beyonce is hungry for blood.
Once Jake shares this mind thought with Edward, Eddie snaps out of being a sad,
worthless, jerk nugget and jumps into action. He quickly explains Jacob's idea to Carlisle
and Rose. And everyone cheers, "Jacob, you are the wisest of all beings. Praise onto you,
our sage. Yours is the mind of a genius!" Just kidding.
Jake doesn’t want to take credit for the idea, because he thinks it's gross. The only way
they can get blood to the fetus is by making Bella drink it. Of course, if the baby is really
hungry for blood, why wouldn't it bite Bella from the inside? Isn't Bella suppose to be the
smelliest, most amazing vampire treat in all the land? Perhaps the child doesn't want to
drink its mother's blood. But still, why couldn't they pump the blood into Bella
intravenously?
Oh right. Because that wouldn't be as interesting/gory/gross and because vampires have
two extra chromosomes.
Edward and Rose approach Bella with this idea. Bella seems fine with it, and considers it
her first act of vampirism. The chapter ends with Bella getting ready to chug some blood.
Prediction:
The Cullens don't know why their house plant is dying.

EDWARD: My beloved house plant. It's…dying!
JACOB: Maybe it needs to be watered?
CARLISLE: Watered with milk?
JACOB: No, with water.
CARLISLE: Salty water?
JACOB: No, regular water.
CARLISLE: And do we place a cup of water near the plant, and give the plant a bendy
straw?
JASPER: Maybe if we move sideways…
JACOB: No, you pour the water into the soil.
ESME: How much vinegar do we use?
JACOB: None. Just use water.
ALICE: Cinnamon is a type of water, right? I'll go get cinnamon…
JACOB: No.
CARLISLE: What if we kill the plant with fire? That way, the water could put out the
fire.
JASPER: That makes sense. I'll get the fire.
ROSE: No! We must give the plant a chance to live! Let's just wait and see what
happens.
BELLA: Magic love might cure the plant. If I love the plant hard enough, it will live.
[BELLA SHUTS HER EYES VIGOROUSLY, TRYING TO USE MAGIC LOVE
POWERS] Grrr....love, love, love.
JACOB: You just pour regular tap water on the plant.
ESME: This sounds dangerous. I'd better hum.
CARLISLE: There's water in soup. Should I make soup and then pour the soup onto the
floor near the plant?
JASPER: Moving sideways will help significantly.
EMMETT: Guys! Shut up! I'm trying to make arrows out frozen snakes!
QUIL: My girlfriend can't pronounce "spaghetti" correctly.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 13
Chapter Thirteen:
Good Thing I've Got a
Strong Stomach
Bella's Title: Air of the
Wind
Thankfully Bella's child
grows at a rapid pace,
because it's only been
about a month, and
already this pregnancy
feels as long and tedious as an after-lunch physics class. Pop this kid out already. We
don't need to hear Jacob and Edward go on and on about how sick and awful Bella looks.
We don't need to be reminded that the child, Optimus Beyonce, is killing Bella. Why?
Because we know Bella is going to be fine. This book doesn't take risks. No one dies in
this story. And nothing bad ever happens to Bella. Breaking Dawn is like an
overprotective parent who won't let her kid chew gum because the gum might contain
spider eggs. Stephenie Meyer will never let bad things happen to her characters, unlike
J.K. Rowling, who isn't afraid to off a few good guys for the sake of telling a gripping
tale.
So stop all this "she's not going to make it" nonsense. And let's see the epic werewolf vs.
vampire battle. Please?! I've been good all year. I've done my chores. I've paid my taxes.
I didn't push that old guy onto the subway tracks even though I could have and gotten
away with it. I eat my vegetables. I'm a good person. So where's my battle scene?
The first part of this chapter is about Bella drinking human blood. The Cullens have some
lying around, and as Rosalie and Carlisle run through the house trying to fetch a cup of
blood, Jacob has a few moments to talk with Bella. I don't know why it takes the
vampires so long to get the blood ready. Aren't they super fast?
While Rosalie and Carlisle are off making a quilt or perhaps reading War and Peace,
Jacob tells Bella that Leah is part of his pack now. Bella isn't keen on this new addition,
because she knows Leah hates vampires. But Jake says Leah must obey his commands,
so Belly has nothing to worry about. During this conversation, Rose is probably upstairs
playing Tetris or maybe organizing her shoes or watching the 18-hour director's cut of
Inception that includes 16 hours of Leo saying, "I love her! My mind is screwy!" But one
thing she's not doing is getting Bella's blood cocktail ready.
Edward tells Rose not to use a clear cup, because he doesn't want Bella to get a good look
at the blood. So maybe Rose is using this time to sculpt a cup out clay and fire it in the
kiln. Why would the Cullens have cups? They don't use them. They don't even need a
kitchen. Or toilets. If I never needed to use a toilet or a kitchen, I wouldn't waste space by
putting one in my house. Instead, I would install a recording studio/ninja gym/puppet
workshop. (Right now, I'm using my bedroom, but it gets tricky when my puppets start
leaking. My puppets are kind of messy.)
Jacob makes some snide comments about Rose. He thinks she doesn't care if Bella lives
or dies, as long as she gets Optimus Beyonce. Bella tries to defend Rosalie, but we all
know Jacob is telling the truth. Rose is a b-word. (And I don't mean bloviate. Or do I?
No. No, I don't.)
After about five minutes in human time, or six hours in vampire time, Carlisle and
Rosalie finally bring Bella the blood. What follows is a gross scene in which Bella first
sniffs the blood, then drinks it through a straw, making milkshake-sucking noises at the
end. She doesn't mind the taste. In fact, she enjoys it, and chugs a second cup.
EWWW!
Actually, this wasn't that icky. Instead, it was confusing. Where's Jasper? You remember
Jasper, right? He's the vampire that went bugnuts insane when Bella suffered a minor
paper cut. You'd think seeing an entire cup filled with ruby red blood would send him
into a spiral of insanity in which he would kill Bella, the Cullens, Jacob, all the people of
the world, and most apes. But Jazzy isn't mentioned at all. Maybe he's no longer tempted
by human blood because he's moving sideways.
It's never revealed where the Cullens got the human blood. I assume Dr. Cullen swiped it
from the hospital, although perhaps Emmett is in the backyard holding a person down as
Carlisle kills the victim with an ax while saying, "This is called the Volturi Handshake!"
The blood seems to do the trick, and seconds later, Bella is feeling better and stronger.
She looks to Jacob and wonders when he slept last. Jake can't remember, and Bella tells
him to sleep upstairs in one of the beds. They gloss over the reason why the Cullens have
multiple beds, with Jacob theorizing that Rosalie loves to hang on to her humanity.
Except I think a few books ago Bella or Edward said the house had no beds at all.
Regardless, the awful vamp stench is too strong, so Jacob declines the offers, saying he'll
sleep outside on the loam.
Jacob is about to leave and get some sleep when he hears Leah and Seth howling in the
distance. Without thinking, he darts out the door and transforms into a werewolf,
shredding his only pair of shorts in the process. Uh-oh!
Using their mind-thoughts, Seth and Leah tell Jake that three or four wolves are
approaching. They rush out to meet them, but one of the evil wolves has transformed into
human form, which means this isn't an attack.
Damn. There are only two things better than a vampire vs. werewolf battle, and that's a
werewolf vs. werewolf battle, or a nine-headed dragon vs. Emmett battle. And I'm
beginning to suspect we won't see any of these in this book. *sigh* At this point, I'd even
accept a fight with a four-headed dragon or a one-headed dragon that had nine knees and
three lungs.
Jake and his pack find Jared (in human form), Quil, Collin, and Paul (in werewolf form).
The meeting is tense, and Jacob doesn't want to transform into a human until he knows
it's safe. So Jared does all the talking while Quil probably hums the theme to Elmo's
World softly to himself.
It seems things back at werewolf headquarters are little rocky since Jake left, and Sam
wants The Thunder to come back home. According to Jared, Sam isn't going to attack the
Cullens now, and instead they will wait until after Optimus Beyonce is born to see how
things turn out. That doesn't make any sense because it makes too much sense.
Jake then orders Leah to run a patrol, making sure the other wolves aren't attacking right
now. But he really wants Leah to leave so that he can transform into a human. Jacob will
be naked when he switches forms, and isn't comfortable with a girl seeing his business. I
don’t blame him. This is why I scream, "Go run a patrol," to the sales associate at the Gap
before I try on clothes in the changing room.
Leah makes fun of Jacob's modesty, but does as she's told, and when she's out of sight,
Jacob returns to his naked human form, with his warm skin stretching and moving like an
ocean of pure sex, the muscle just above his thigh calling out to you as the cool forest air
makes tiny droplets of dew appear on his abs, abs that look like six tiny scoops of coffee
ice cream that you just can't help but…um. I was just kidding about all that. I swear.
Sarcasm hand! Sarcasm hand! See? I was kidding. Sarcasm hand! Girls are great because
they are attractive and female.
Nude Jacob and Clothed Jared talk things over. Even though this section includes five
werewolves, it's still boring. Everything is so drawn out and repetitive. When the meeting
is over, nothing has changed. Sam and his pack will leave Jacob and The Red Barons
alone until Optimus Beyonce is born. After that, Jacob thinks the Cullens will move out
of the area, and the werewolves won't have any trouble. Jared says they'll wait and see.
Mutters: 1 (Book total: 21 )
Prediction:
Nothing bad will ever happen in this book. One day, Harry Potter finds Bella crying
alone in the gutter.
HARRY: What's wrong, miss?
BELLA: Everything! My life is horrible.
HARRY: Are you crying because your parents were killed trying to save you?
BELLA: No. But my parents got divorced and now my dad can't make dinner for
himself. So it's kind of the same thing.
HARRY: Are you upset because every father figure you've had was murdered?
BELLA: No. But this one time I fell down playing volleyball. So I know what that feels
like.
HARRY: Did you spend your childhood unloved, living in a closet?
BELLA: No. My parents love me, and everyone I ever met adores me.
HARRY: Are you sad because you have the weight of the world on your shoulders and if
you mess up even a little bit, millions of people will die?
BELLA: No. I'm sad because I married the man of my dreams, a modern day Prince
Charming who is wealthy, strong, and gorgeous.
HARRY: Um…
BELLA: But wait. It gets worse. I also have strong feelings for this other guy.
HARRY: Relationships are tough. I liked this one girl who already had a boyfriend, and
then I witnessed her boyfriend's murder. It made things awkward.
BELLA: You don't understand.
HARRY: Guess not. But here's something I do understand. Stupefy!
[Bella falls over. Harry notices something across the street.]
HARRY: Hey you! Why are you dressed as Hagrid and sneaking into the windows of
little kids? And why are you telling them that they're wizards?
QUIL: Um…Gotta go. Bye!
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 14
Chapter Fourteen:
You Know Things Are
Bad When You feel
Guilty For Being Rude
to Vampires
Bella's Title: Mournful
Sadness River
Yes! On page 269 (the
second page of the
chapter), directly in the
middle of the page, Stephenie Meyer mentions jet packs! Jacob is telling us how difficult
it is staying with the vampires. He says, "It was hard not being able to just jet back home
and grab another pair of old sweatpants." Clearly Meyer meant to write "jet pack" but
made a slight typo. Clearly.
So thank you, Ms. Meyer, for finally admitting what I always knew was true:
Werewolves have jet packs. This is the best book in the entire world! And this chapter is
amazing because not only are jet packs openly discussed, but there's a great deal of
breakfast going on. Breakfast and jet packs!? Merry Christmas to Dan!
Did this chapter make anyone else hungry? After reading, I was tempted to make
omelets, but I couldn't because I was out of apple pie filling and candy corn. (I make
amazing omelets.) The chapter didn't serve any real purpose, so the highlight was Seth
gulping down big bites of delicious breakfast, including cinnamon rolls the size of
Frisbees. Sadly, the focus of the chapter isn't just breakfast.
Jacob is bummed because he doesn't have a home. The vampires are nice enough to give
him clothes and food, but he doesn't want their charity. Robocop is not mentioned.
See? I could have written this entire chapter in three sentences. Instead, Jacob keeps
talking and thinking and talking and thinking for what feels like 500 pages. I know things
are rough for The Thunder, but crying about it will fix nothing.
And why can't Jacob go home? He left the pack, and Sam isn't wearing a Team Jacob
shirt any more, but that doesn't mean Jake needs to live on the loam, does it? Wouldn't his
dad love to see him and welcome him home if only for a few nights? Didn't Jared say that
Sam is going to wait until Optimus Beyonce is born before he attacks the Cullens? (Side
note: Optimus Beyonce is now in my spell check system.) So why all this, "Ain't got no
home," talk? Answer: Because vampires have two extra chromosomes.
Sorry, Jake. I don't feel bad for you. Besides, you have a jet pack and omelets, and we all
know it. So unless you feel like sharing, suck it up, chump.
Jacob returns to the Cullen house after his meeting with Jared and finds some clean
clothes piled on the porch for him. The Cullens feel guilty that Jacob left the pack in
order to protect the vampires, so they want to make him as comfortable as possible. Jake
begrudgingly takes the clothes and beats them against a tree to try and get the vamp
stench off of them. The shirt and pants are too short, and as I screamed into the book,
"Rip the pants and make them shorts," I realized that perhaps the others in my barber's
waiting area didn't appreciated my commentary.
Jacob enters the Cullen house and sees that Bella is no longer in a hospital bed. She's
back on the couch and looking much healthier. Bella tells him he needs to sleep, and
Jacob is about to leave (on his jet pack) to get some rest when Edward calls out after him.
Edward wants Jake to know that the Cullens will feed, clothe, and shelter Jacob, Seth,
and Leah. Ugh. My eyes are rolling right now, as are my knees. I'm sick of all the
pleasantries.
Can someone tell me if Jacob and Edward ever engage in battle with each other? Tell me.
I don't care if you spoil the entire story. I just need to know. There are only a few hundred
pages left in this book, and with Edward and Jake acting like Frodo and Samwise, the
only fight they'll have is over who gets to hold Bella's barf bucket. Any minute now, Jake
will say, "Oh Edward…" while carrying a magic ring to Mt. Doom.
No, wait. Don't spoil it for me! Don't! Let me hold on to my hope. It's all I have left.
Jakes laughs off the hospitality, and he is about to transform into a wolf so he can sleep,
but as he strips down to his naked body that I in no way find attractive or sexual, Bella
screams, and both Eddie and Jake rush to see what's wrong.
Bella is in severe pain because Optimus Beyonce broke one of her ribs. Carlisle wants to
X-ray Bella to make sure she's OK, and I'm left wondering four things:
1. Is it safe to X-ray a pregnant woman's chest?

2. Is it safe to do this at your house?
3. Why would you have an X-ray machine in your house?
4. Is omelet the best word ever?
(˙sǝʎ ˙4 ˙ɔıbɐɯ ˙3 ˙pɹɐʍpǝ sǝʌo‫ ן‬ɐ‫ןן‬ǝq ǝsnɐɔǝq ˙2 ˙sǝɯosoɯoɹɥɔ ɐɹʇxǝ oʍʇ ǝʌɐɥ sǝɹıdɯɐʌ ǝsnɐɔǝq ˙1 :sɹǝʍsuɐ)
As Bella is upstairs having her fetus irradiated, Jacob sits on the floor and nearly passes
out from exhaustion. Alice comes down to visit him, and Jake remarks that it's odd how
Alice avoids Pregnant Bella. He asks Alice why, and she says the fetus gives her a
headache. (Good!)
Alice's ridiculous powers don't work on werewolves. We know that. But her powers are
also blinded by Optimus Beyonce. She can't see Bella's future, or the future of the baby.
And it somehow hurts her head. (Good.)
Does this mean Optimus Beyonce is part werewolf? Probably not. Jacob and Bella never
shared a special hug, unless Stephenie Meyer glossed over this fact because sex makes
her giggle and blush.
I think the real reason Alice is affected by Optimus Beyonce is that O.B. is some sort of
supreme magical chosen one, like Harry Potter, Neo from The Matrix, or Grover. (In an
unaired episode of Sesame Street, the mighty Grover laid waste to his enemies using
mind-fire.)
Jacob is too tired to slap Alice in the face and yell, "You make no sense!" Instead, he falls
asleep for almost 24 hours. When he wakes up, Seth is sitting on the couch with Bella
munching on omelets and cinnamon rolls.
The Cullens offer Jacob some breakfast but he refuses, and is about to go hunt with Leah
when Carlisle stops him. Dr. Cullen needs some advice. His family must go out hunting
for animal blood, but they don't want to upset Sam and the other werewolves. Jacob
suggests that the vampires hunt during the day, when the wolves will least expect it, and
go out together as a group.
Oh yeah. That's a great idea. What better way to keep vampires a secret than by hunting
together in a giant group during the day? I'm sure the various hikers and hunters in the
woods will see the sparkling family and assume they are just a company of Adam
Lambert fans who love eating raw animals. Yep. This is a good idea. (Sarcasm hand.)
I would ask why the Cullens don't hop a plane to Canada and do their hunting up North,
but the answer would probably involve chromosomes and/or love-magic.
Carlisle says they can't leave Bella unprotected, so they will hunt in groups of three. Jake
thinks he can protect Bella, but doesn't feel like arguing. As he's leaving, Esme hands him
a casserole dish of food. He walks out thinking that the Cullens are actually decent
people. Little does he know that the Cullens sit idly by while thousands of innocent
people are killed by the Volturi in Italy, and that one of those victims was probably a
single mother just trying to make it in this topsy-turvy world. Good on ya, Cullens.
Prediction:
The Cullens continue to care for Bella and her every need.
BELLA: I don't feel well.
CARLISLE: What's wrong?
BELLA: My wisdom tooth is impacted.
CARLISLE: Not to worry. I installed a dental chair in the house a few years ago. You
know, just in case. We'll get you prepped and have that sucker out in no time.
BELLA: And somehow I spilled sulfuric acid on my leg.
CARLISLE: No sweat. Why do you think I built that chemical shower last month?
BELLA: Yay!
CARLISLE: And in case you crave pterodactyl milk, I cloned a pterodactyl, milked it,
and then shot it, because 'dactyls are dangerous.
BELLA: Thanks, Carlisle.
CARLISLE: Please, call me dad.
BELLA: Yay!
CARLISLE: By the way, I think we should replace your liver with a new, cuter one. I
just happen to have a cute liver in the fridge.
BELLA: OK.
[PHONE RINGS]
BELLA: [ON THE PHONE] Hello? Oh hi…Charlie. Yeah, I'm fine.... No, I'm not going
to die... Yes, I'm sorry that I haven't called you at all and that you've been living in
constant state of fear for the past month.
CARLISLE: Psst. Hey Bella, I thought you might like to meet Orlando Bloom, so I
kidnapped him. You know. Just in case. He's in the basement…dressed as a pirate.
BELLA: [ON THE PHONE]: Listen, Charles. I'm kinda busy right now. My new daddy
is way better than you. So this is the last time we will ever speak. Adios.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 15
Chapter Fifteen: Tick
Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock
Bella's Title: Pain Clouds
Human-vampire hybrid
babies have 24
chromosomal pairs.
This explains
everything! Humans
have 23 and vampires have 25. The baby would obviously take the average of its two
parents. That's just science, plain and simple. A child whose father is 6 feet tall and
whose mother is 2 feet tall will grow up to be exactly 4 feet tall. Duh!
The chapter begins with Jacob and Seth mind-talking with each other as they run patrols.
Instead of Breaking Dawn, they should have named this book "Patrol Running: The
Endless Race Against Logic." Running patrols isn't even necessary. Jacob, Seth, and
Leah could easily spy on Sam and the other wolves. It's not like Sam is hiding. He's at his
house. Jake should hide out in the bushes near Sam's house instead of running continuous
laps around the Cullen compound. He's running so much that if Sam does attack, Jake
will be useless.
SAM: I'm going to kill you now!
JACOB: Hold on (puff puff)…I just need a moment (puff puff). So many patrols to run
(puff puff). Can I get a Gatorade or something?
QUIL: Don't give my girlfriend a Capri Sun, because she'll just squeeze the bag and
make a mess.
Jacob thinks the Cullens should move Bella to Alaska, away from the evil werewolves.
Silly, foolish, sexy Jacob. You're so naive. Moving Bella away from danger is much too
logical. Next you'll ask the Cullens to stop going to high school all the time.
Seth says that he already brought it up with Edward, but the Cullens can't move Bella
now. She's too frail and sick due to the pregnancy. Plus, all of Carlisle's medical
equipment is here in Forks, and it would be difficult to get new supplies in Alaska. Seth
also mentions that Carlisle's supply of human blood is running low, so Dr. C. will have to
go buy more. I assume he buys it from the blood bank. And I'm sure it's a simple
transaction that needs no explanation whatsoever.
CARLISLE: Hello, kind sir. I'd like some blood.
BLOOD SALESMAN: Of course. How much will you need?
CARLISLE: Enough to feed a woman and a fetal demon. Er…um…I mean, I need it for
a knee surgery. I'm a doctor. For reals.
BLOOD SALESMAN: OK. That makes sense. How much do you want?
CARLISLE: I need five gallons.
BLOOD SALESMAN: That seems like a lot.
CARLISLE: Indeed. The knee surgery is for a great big fat man. He's going to need lots
of blood.
BLOOD SALESMAN: That will be $18.99.
QUIL: I'm here too, for some reason. My girlfriend is 3!
Seth tells Jacob that Optimus Beyonce broke another one of Bella's ribs and now Bella is
running apatrol low-grade fever. But Belly is in good spirits and talks to her mom and
dad on the phone.
Charlie and Renee, being complete idiots, are under the impression that Bella is suffering
from a strange tropical disease she picked up in South America. They believe Bella is
being quarantined and cannot have any visitors. Note to self: Go to Forks, WA and
commit lots of crime, because the chief of police is stupid. Second note to self: Buy paper
towels and Hamburger Helper at the store.
I can understand Renee buying the cover story because she's flakey, but Charlie is the
chief of police. It's his job not only to sniff out lies and injustice, but to question the facts
until the truth is revealed. How can he stand by and let his daughter have a mystery
illness? He nearly shot her in the head with a shotgun after he found out about her
motorcycle. So he's more than a bit protective. If this were a real person, with a real
daughter, I'd imagine he would be calling every medical professional in the world trying
to figure out what's happening. Instead, Charlie sits at home and watches basketball while
waiting for his daughter to get better. I assume he uses a similar tactic to defeat bank
robbers.
After running a patrol, Jacob stops by the Cullen house to see Bella. She smiles brightly
when he walks into the house. Jake hasn't eaten in a while, and Alice tells Rosalie to get
him some food. Jacob and Rose always bicker with each other and Jake hurls a few
blonde jokes at her. I never understood why the vampires hate the werewolves, but Rose's
attitude toward Jake makes even less sense.
The other Cullens are thankful that Jake is around to run patrols. But not Rosalie. She
hates Jacob, and though she brings him something to eat, she serves it to him in makeshift
dog bowl. Why all the hostility? Oh, right. Because vampire-human hybrids have 24
chromosomes.
Bella and Jacob chat as Jake eats from his dog bowl. He asks when the baby is due, and
using some sort of convoluted vampire math that involves centimeters and time, Bella
decides she'll be ready to pop in four days.
Jake doesn't take the news well. Only two things can happen when it's time to deliver the
baby. Either Bella will die during the delivery, or she will be turned into a vampire. Both
options leave Jake without his best friend. It's so sad. Meanwhile, across town, Conner is
probably sitting at home, just waiting for a best friend to stop by. Find out how his story
ends in my fan fiction novel, Conner and Jacob Go to the Zoo, Part 1: Monkeys. (It's a
19-part series.)
Bella falls asleep and Jacob asks Edward why Charlie was talking to her. Edward agrees
that talking to Charlie was a bad idea, but it's what Bella wanted. And whatever Bella
wants, Bella gets. I dare you to find a moment in this series when Bella asks or wishes for
something and doesn't get it. No, I double dog dare you. Hell, I even triple salamander
dare you.
On top of everything else, Bella also wants to see her dad after she becomes a vampire.
Jake and Edward are concerned that Charlie will notice something is up when his
daughter looks different and refuses to age. I wouldn't worry about that, guys. Just put a
basketball game on and you could show Charles a mutated version of Bella with tentacles
for arms and carrots for legs and he'd probably say, "Oh. That’s nice. Sports!"
Bella's master plan is to work around the rules of vampires. She can't tell her dad the
truth, but if Charlie somehow figured out what happened to his daughter on his own, then
she couldn't be held accountable by the Volturi. This is a problem for a variety of
reasons.
First, if I saw an old friend who now looked a billion times more attractive, and had
different eye color, and didn't eat food or go out in the sun, I wouldn't jump to the
conclusion that she was a vampire. I would assume she's just being difficult after having
a makeover.
Second, this is a lousy loophole. Bella can't use words to tell her dad about vampires, but
playing charades is acceptable? If that's the case, why doesn't Bella tell him the truth via
sign language, or a language the Volturi can't understand, such as Dan-Latin? (Dan-Latin
is similar to English, except you replace all the G's with P's and all the N's with the color
yellow. And when you write it out, you dot the I's with very tiny pictures of a man
walking a dog.)
And third, if this is such a big deal, why not turn Charlie into a vampire too? His special
power would be a super-human ability to watch any sporting event. I'm serious. Why
wouldn't Carlisle transform Charlie? I see no downside to that scenario and I've been
thinking about it for a good 20 seconds.
To better prepare to Optimus Beyonce's arrival, Emmett and Jasper have been
researching vampire babies for a few days. Emmett? Doing research? I don't see that
happening. Maybe he turns the pages of ancient tomes with his reading hatchet. Why
would you send Emmett on a mission to read when the werewolves could attack at any
moment? He's the muscle of this group. Why not send Alice? Alice hates being around
Bella anyway, and surely Emmett could be doing much greater things than reading dusty
books, such as surfing on lava inside a giant volcano, an event I like to call Emmetting.
Still, I love whenever the book gives us hints of vampire lore. Emmett and Jasper find
there isn't much written about vampire babies, and the information they do get is
probably unreliable. We do know that the baby will chew and claw its way out of the
mother's belly.
That's gross. Also silly. I won't get graphic, but why punch a hole through a wall when
there's a perfectly good door to climb through?
Jake and Edward don't like thinking about the baby killing Bella. But Rose chimes in and
says everything is going to be OK because Bella will have people to take care of her. The
other alleged vampire mommies all gave birth in less controlled environments, such as
caves and swamps. Optimus Beyonce will be born under the careful watch of Carlisle, so
there's nothing to worry about.
But it's clear that Rose is only thinking about the baby and doesn't really care much for
Bella's safety. Jake and Edward sense this too and so Jake throws his dog dish at Rose's
head.
FIGHT! FIGHT FIGHT!
Sadly, there is no fight. Rose doesn't attack, but coldly says, "You. Got. Food. In. My.
Hair." (In Dan-Latin, this would be "You. Pot. Food. I[the color yellow]. My. Hair.")
This causes everyone to laugh, tensions are eased, and Bella wakes up moaning in pain
because the baby is moving.
Optimus is growing so fast it makes Bella think of the way Jacob grew up right before
her eyes. And with that, Carlisle theorizes that the vampire-human hybrid has 24
chromosomal pairs just like werewolves, because the fetus is growing fast, like a
werewolf. This guy would look at a child inflating a balloon and say, "That balloon must
have 24 chromosomes, because it's growing at an alarming rate." He would also accuse a
bag of microwave popcorn of being a werewolf because it expands rapidly.
His theory about chromosomes clearly and logically explains the baby's growth rate, and
also explains why Alice can't see the child's future. The child, like a werewolf, has the
correct number of chromosomes to block Alice's very reasonable powers. It all makes
sense. (Sarcasm hand is raised so high that an astronaut just said, "Stop that. It tickles.")
The rest of the Cullens talk about science as Jacob's mind wanders. He can't keep up with
the brilliant chromosome conversation, but instead realizes that the only way to get the
baby out of Bella is to somehow cut threw the protective womb, which is as strong as
vampire skin. And the only thing that can cut through vampire skin is either werewolf or
vampire teeth. And thus, someone is going to have to chew the baby out of Bella and then
spit it out, just like a watermelon seed.
Number of times I used "patrol" today: 8 (Including this one)
Prediction:
Emmett and Jasper continue their research.
JASPER: According to this book, a vampire baby can see in the dark.
EMMETT: According to my fist, you're a nerd. [EMMETT PUNCHES JASPER]
JASPER: Come on. We need to do this or else Bella will die.
EMMETT: This book smells like book-farts.
JASPER: Why don't you go find another book, then?
EMMETT: I don't wanna.
JASPER: Get to work or so help me, I will move sideways.
EMMETT: And…
JASPER: I will move sideways all over your face!
EMMETT: Pff.
JASPER: I'm telling mom that you won't help.
EMMETT: Go ahead, tattler.
JASPER: Don't call me that! You promised you wouldn't be mean to me. Mom said so.
EMMETT: Mom said so. But mom ain't here, Ass-per.
JASPER: Stop it! I'm calling Mom and Dad right now.
EMMETT: You sound like a baby.
JASPER: [ON THE PHONE] Hello, Mom? Emmett is being mean. And he's making fun
of my scars.
EMMETT: I am not! You're such a liar!
JASPER: Mom says you need to be nice to me because I'm sensitive. She also says my
scars make me unique.
EMMETT: Whatever. I'm going to wait for Quil.
JASPER: What's Quil got to do with anything?
EMMETT: He usually pops up, says something about his girlfriend, and then
disappears. He should be here any minute.
QUIL: My girlfriend is pretty good at The Farmer in the Dell. But she gets cranky if she
ends up being the cheese. So let her be the wife or the cat. Thanks guys. I owe you one.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 16
Chapter Sixteen: Too-
Much-Information Alert
Bella's Title: I Make Up
Ridiculous Names Because
I'm So Darn Precious
Guess what. More

patrol running! For the
zillionth time in this
book, Jacob, Leah, and
Seth run patrols. The
Jake-ster is leading his pack east, making sure that it's safe for the Cullens to go hunting.
I thought the Cullens were supposed to be bad ass vampires who could take care of
themselves, but apparently they're whiny crybabies who need teenaged werewolves to
hold their hands and say it's OK.
During the trek through the woods, Jacob and Leah have a heart-to-heart discussion that
borders on flirting. Leah says she will stick by Jacob even when this Bella situation is
over. She will always be part of his pack.
Leah, Leah, Leah. If you really want Jacob to fall for you, all you need to do is make
unreasonable demands while complaining about your perfect life. And smell like freesia.
And make lasagna. And be weak and uninteresting. And read Wuthering Heights often.
And have a romantic relationship with a controlling father figure who doesn't care about
Italian citizens.
Jacob doesn't want to lead a pack and he doesn't want Leah to follow him around. He
knows that the Bella situation will end badly, and when that happens, he plans to remain
a wolffor ever and ever and roam alone on the loam. But Leah says she will keep quiet if
she can remain in his pack, and she promises to let Jacob do his own thing. Jacob, don't
do it! It's a trap! Months later Leah will suddenly get clingy.
JACOB: I'm going to run to Canada tonight and hunt for bears.
LEAH: Oh.
JACOB: Is that OK?
LEAH: I guess.
JACOB: What's wrong?
LEAH: I just thought…Well…usually we watch Dancing With the Stars on Tuesday.
JACOB: Come on. It's one night! We can watch it later.
LEAH: Fine. Whatever.
JACOB: See, now you're pissed and I don't even know what I did!
LEAH: Just go. If that's what you want, then go. I don't care. I don't care at all. I'll just
stay home and work on my beanie baby collection.
JACOB: But we're not even dating! What's your problem?
LEAH: I don't have a problem, Jacob. I just wish you were more sensitive and…oh gosh.
Now I'm crying.
JACOB: I’m sorry you feel that way. I'll stay home. Please stop crying.
LEAH: Yippee! I'll make brownies!
Jacob needs some time to think this over. He's not looking forward to sharing Leah's
thoughts for the rest of his life, and when Bella dies, his own thoughts are going to be
extremely dramatic and emotional. Of course, we all know Bella isn't going to die, and I'd
bet that by the end of the book she not only has a beautiful baby, but also wins the lottery
twice, discovers that her house is built on a diamond mine/oil well, finds Aladdin's lamp
at a garage sale, learns that she's really a wizard/fairy/unicorn/rainbow/angel, and
becomes an Olympic figure skating champion while she records the #1 pop song of all
time.
Leah says she can help Jacob deal with the pain of losing a friend. She had to watch her
beloved Sam go off and imprint on her cousin Emily, so she knows all about heartache. I
agree. Getting dumped by a guy who digs another chick is exactly the same as watching
your best friend's torso be ripped in twain by the teeth of a demonic fetus. (Sarcasm hand)
For some reason, Leah brings up Rosalie. She knows Jacob hates Rose, but Leah feels
sympathy for the vampire b-word. What follows is a discussion of menstrual cycles,
womanhood, childbirth, and my favorite topic, imprinting. To offset all the feminine
stuff, after reading this chapter I ran out to play football, fix a truck, chop wood with my
head, and grow two beards.
Leah can't have babies because when she became a werewolf, she stopped having her
period. Since Ms. Meyer wrote this book, I had to read this section twice to figure out
what the author was tiptoeing around. Besides "sex," Meyer can't handle the word
"period" or "menses" or "time of the month" or even "Aunt Flo." Instead, she uses the
word "patterns."
Granted, I'm not a woman, and I've only discussed menstrual cycles twice in my entire
life and one of those times was by accident. I'm not familiar with all the lingo, so maybe
"patterns" is a common euphemism for periods. But to me it sounds cold and clinical, like
something that involves math, computers, or sewing.
Now excuse me, I need to grow another beard.
The inability to have a child has made Leah very sad. I can understand that. This longing
for a child makes her appreciate Rosalie's desire to have a baby vicariously through Bella.
I understand that too, sort of. And Leah thinks it's perfectly OK for Bella to die if it
means a baby is born. I…
Agh! Quick! Instead of talking about abortion, here's a poem I just wrote! It's about
almonds!
Almonds
When I say "almonds" I don't pronounce the D.

I do not care what you think of me.
You can't make me do it. So don't even try.
I do what I want. I'm that kind of guy.
But when talking 'bout fudge, I do pronounce the E.
And with the word "bomb," I stress the second B.
If you think that's cool, you'll love how I say "friend."
I add an extra O-sound and an X to the end.
I also say "castle" and "thug" differently.
And when I say "hat," it rhymes with "knee."
The discussion of babies leads to a brief conversation about imprinting, a wonderful part
of the werewolf community that is as sacred as it is sensible. According to Sam,
werewolves imprint on a mate to carry on the werewolf gene. When a werewolf spots the
perfect companion, one who is perfectly suited for making werewolf babies, that person
is imprinted regardless of the imprintee's age. Hence, Quil dates a toddler.
The book skirts this yucky age issue by claiming that Quil's relationship with Claire will
be chaste until Claire is older. Until then, Quil will act more like a father than a
boyfriend. Bull crap.
If you buy a young cheese with the intent of consuming that cheese once it has properly
aged, are you telling me that you won't even think about eating that cheese? Heck, you're
probably looking up grilled cheese recipes in the checkout line of the cheese store. This is
why Quil is disgusting and Stephenie Meyer is criminally hilarious.
Back to the point: Leah assumes she's useless because none of the werewolf boys ever
imprinted on her, and imprinting on Leah would make the most sense because
genetically, the offspring of two werewolves would be stronger than that of a
werewolf/human relationship. The fact that no one wants to give Leah a special hug
makes her feel double-sad. I feel bad for her. Sure, she's a nasty bully, but she just wants
a little love. Don't we all? Quil, put your hand down. My use of the word "little" had
nothing to do with age.
Jacob hasn't imprinted on anyone and Leah is looking for an imprint buddy. This is why I
suspect Leah and Jacob may hook up. I hope not, because that would ruin the butter
sculpture I made of Jacob and Lady Gaga riding a dolphin together. (It's the centerpiece
for my family's Thanksgiving dinner.) Although I suppose it could be Leah riding on the
dolphin. Does Leah like to wear elaborate costumes made of meat, glitter, and fear?
Please say yes.
Leah and Jacob end their conversation, and Jakes runs back to the Cullen house to tell the
vampires that the coast is clear. Inside, he sees the big room is empty and hears voices
coming from upstairs in the X-ray room. Alice appears and tells Jacob that Bella may
have another broken bone.
Moments later, we learned it was a false alarm. Edward thought he heard Bella's pelvis
break, but he was just hearing things. I can relate to this. Often I hear what I suspect is
my pelvis breaking, but every time, my doc says I didn't break a bone, and that I would
stop hearing things if I stopped wearing a porcelain belt. But porcelain belts make me feel
pretty, so I don't know what to do.
Everyone comes back downstairs, and Jakes says it's safe for the Cullens to hunt. Carlisle
wants to send them out in groups, but Rose and Edward refuse to leave Bella's side, so
everyone else goes out first.
Emmett is there too. Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, if I bought a bicycle built for two, would
you…never mind. It was a stupid idea. But if you'd like to ride it, just let me know. We
can call it the "bicycle built for (kung) fu!" Just stop on over. I'll be in the garage
replacing the bike tires with large circular saw blades.
With the other vamps gone, Jacob is left with Rosalie, Edward, and Bella. Rose and
Jacob make fun of each other as Edward stares at his wife. Then Ed hears something, or
rather senses something. He tells Bella to talk, and when she does, he can sense what the
baby is thinking. He can read its mind, and Optimus Beyonce loves the sound of Bella's
voice, and adores the mother-to-be.
Aww. How wonderful. I'm not tearing up. I swear. [DAN GROWS ANOTHER BEARD
TO PROVE HE'S A REAL MAN]
Speaking of Optimus Beyonce, Bella has chosen two wonderful names for the baby. If
it's a boy, she will name it EJ, which I guess is short for Edward Jacob, or maybe she
doesn't know how to spell Edge.
If it's a girl, she will name it Renesmee, a name that rolls off the tip of your tongue,
assuming you have eight tongues and have never heard the English language before.
Renesmee isn't a name. It's how a foreign exchange student named Rain greets her new
family. "Rain is me. Yes?"
Did Bella even try to think of a name, or did she just combine letters and names? I guess
we should be thankful that the name isn't Jessicangela, or Bellalice, or Rosemmettyler, or
Carlislecharliejasperedwardbillyembryquilconner.
I'm sticking with Optimus Beyonce.
Rose and Bella look like cocky jerks as they glare at Edward for ever doubting that this
baby would be wonderful. Jake doesn't like this family moment, especially since Edward
is now smitten with the demon child. Jake was holding out hope that Ed would put a stop
to it, but now that he can read Optimus's mind, Edward is a proud papa and the thought of
terminating the pregnancy flies out the window.
Jacob stands in the room feeling double sad. Edward senses that Jacob is uneasy, so he
tosses Jake his car keys and says, "Go Jacob. Get away from here." According to Jake,
these words were not meant to be mean. Edward knew that Jake was having a tough time
handling this, so he wanted to get Jacob out of the house. But why give him the car keys?
Why wouldn't Jacob just run away? This like telling Superman, "Superman, you need to
leave right away. Here, take my bicycle built for two!"
Prediction:
Leah and Jacob finally kiss.
LEAH: That was so hot!
JACOB: It was OK.
LEAH: We're in love now, right?
JACOB: Um…
LEAH: We should get married in the spring, and have a fancy cake, and…why are your
rubbing freesia on my face?
JACOB: No reason.
LEAH: Anyway, we should buy a house, and I'll get a job in Seattle, and…why are you
tripping me to the ground?
JACOB: I think it's sexy when a girl is clumsy.
LEAH: Neat. Anyway, I think I'll ask Rose to be my maid of honor. We have so much in
common…why are you tugging my hair?
JACOB: Your hair should be longer. I would love you more if your hair were long.
LEAH: OK. Go ahead and tug it. Do you want to shop for rings today, or…why are you
biting my wrist?
JACOB: I'm into girls who have crescent-shaped scars on their wrists. And would you
mind saying, "Holy crow," often?
LEAH: Oh. OK. Holy crow. So we should think about what kind of silverware and plates
to get. I saw this one pattern that would be wonderful.
JACOB: Are you talking about your period?
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 17
Chapter Seventeen: What
Do I Look Like? The
Wizard of Oz? You Need a
Brain? You Need a Heart?
Go Ahead. Take Mine.
Take Everything I have.
Bella's Title: The Dark
Evening Gives Way to a
Shimmering [BLURGH!]
Sorry, I Just Vomited Up
Blood
Jacob is running away…again. He is an expert at running away. Under the "Other Skills"
section of a job application, he can write:
I can run away from most anything, especially if it involves spoiled teenaged girls. And I
can run patrols in both circular and semi-circular patterns. I'm a people person. I'm
familiar with Microsoft Office and Photoshop, and have limited experience with HTML.
(That last part is a lie, but everyone puts it on their application.)
This time he's driving Edward's fancy Aston Martin instead of turning into a werewolf.
It's not explained why he's driving instead of running. It probably has something to do
with chromosomes or Leah's lack of menstrual cycle. Jake's upset because Edward is now
happy and looking forward to being a daddy. This leaves Jacob all alone in the fight to
save Bella's life from the demon child. And he's going to save her by driving 50 miles out
of town to look at other girls.
As he drives around Washington, he wonders if perhaps finding an imprint mate will
erase all of his feelings for Bella. If he finds his one true love, then he won't care if
Bella's body is ripped apart by Optimus Beyonce. He thinks about going to the mall to
find a forever buddy, but doesn't like the idea of spending his life with a woman who
hangs out at the mall. Picky, picky, Mr. I-Don't-Own-Shoes. Maybe Jacob would rather
find a bride by hanging out in Megan Fox's closet, or at the supermodel volleyball
tournament.
Instead of the mall, he drives to a crowded park and walks around staring at all the pretty
girls. He looks each of them in the eye, hoping there will be some Imprint Spark that will
tell him when he's found the right one. But nothing happens. I'm no relationship expert,
but I don't think women enjoy being stared at and silently judged by shirtless barefoot
men. You know what else they don't enjoy? Spiders and the word "moist," especially
when used together.
Since none of these girls are good enough for him, he forces himself to spot the good
qualities of some of the women. He notices the way one young woman has nice lips and
another has beautiful eyes. It still doesn't work. I'm surprised he doesn't break out the tape
measure and ask for urine samples. (This is how my girlfriend met me.)
He's doing this all wrong. If Quil has taught us anything, it's that you can imprint on
anyone, no matter how illegal or disgusting. Instead of searching for girls his own age,
Jacob should be visiting nursing homes and kindergartens looking for love. He may also
consider falling in love with a kind monkey or a sexy apple. Imprinting has no rules.
Defeated, he heads back to the fancy car and broods. One of the girls who he was stalking
notices him and jokingly asks if he stole the car. Jacob is dismissive. Though this girl is
attractive, friendly, and seems to know a lot about cars, he doesn't love her and brushes
her off.
Dude! Stop being such an ass, Thunder. You're coming over to my place tonight, Jacob.
We need to have another chat about relationships. And this time, there will be no pizza
bagels. Play time is over, buddy. It's 'bout to get real up in this piece! Oh, all right. I can
make regular bagels. But no cheese and sauce. And we're not playing Jenga until you
hear me out. Deal?
Jake realizes that time is running out. Soon Bella will be dead or a vampire, and he
should be spending these last precious moments with her instead of at the park ogling the
ladies.
On the drive back to the Cullen house, he spots Werewolf Sam and Werewolf Pervert
Quil in the woods. Jake nods to his former allies and keeps driving. Back at the house, he
finds Edward waiting for him.
While Jake was off doing his thing, Leah had a talk with Bella. It's not exactly clear what
Leah told Bella, but it made Bella upset. She probably told Belly how hard this is for
Jacob and that it's all Bella's fault. Or she told Bella that Iron Man 2 wasn't as great as
everyone had hoped.
Edward doesn't like seeing Bella upset, so he asks Jacob to use his Alpha powers to
control Leah and stop her from upsetting Bella. Waah! Waah! Waah! Poor Isabella is sad
because she's a manipulative selfish ingrate.
Edward is right. Bella should never feel sad about anything and those that make her sad
should be punished. Why on Earth should she feel bad about twisting and contorting
Jacob's emotions and using him like a ratty security blanket? She should never have to
deal with reality or the feelings of others. And Bella should also be given a sweet treat
whenever she claps her hands, and if she brushes her teeth every night for a week, she
should be given a trip to Disney-freaking-World. (Sarcasm hand is raised so high that I
just delayed flights up and down the east coast.)
Then Edward says the baby is developing quickly, and Optimus Beyonce seems to be
aware of his/her surroundings…somehow. This is the smartest baby in the world, and
apparently not only has X-ray vision but can understand the English language. Bravo,
Optimus. You're well on your way to being my least favorite character. (Alice, because
you haven't done anything too stupid in a while, you are no longer the worst character.
And if you buy me a new hat, who knows? You could knock Conner out of the top spot.)
Ed thinks the baby is ready to be born, and because he must have gotten his PhD in
obstetrics while Jake was out looking at girls, everyone believes him. He's ever so smart.
As soon as Carlisle comes back from rounding up some human blood for Bella, it's game
time.
Jacob, who thought he had two or three days before Bella gave birth, is shocked at the
news. He's not ready to give up his friend. He wants more time. But I say screw it. Let
Bella turn into a vampire so Jacob can go back to that lady park and find some ladies.
The dude is a 6'8'' tower of muscle and manliness. There are bazillions of women out
there who would love to French kiss him, or even Dutch kiss him. Jake, you have to
move on with your life. Find a girl. Settle down. This will be discussed during our man-
chat tonight. We will also discuss how to Dutch kiss, so you should bring your kissing
pillow.
Edward has another favor to ask. He wants Jacob's permission to violate the
werewolf/vampire treaty so that he can bite Bella and turn her into a vampire. Honest to
God, I thought we already covered this. Didn't the werewolves all agree that Bella can be
bitten? Wasn't this discussed about 300 pages ago?
And why would Edward needs Jacob's permission? If the Cullens violate the treaty, is
Jacob really going to attack? Has he not met Emmett?
Jake says he needs to think it over, but he eventually says it's totally cool to bite Bella.
The two monsters hear Bella slurping her blood from inside and they go check on her.
She's doing well, but can't stop sucking down the blood. She spots Jacob and tries to talk
things over with him regarding the Leah confrontation. Again, I'm not sure what Leah
told Bella, but considering the author is willing to spend entire chapters explaining in
detail how Bella plays with a magnet, the conversation must have been too boring for
even Ms. Meyer to write about. I assume their conversation went like this:
LEAH: You should be nice to Jacob.
BELLA: No. And now I'm double-sad.
LEAH: Fair enough. By the way, here are some thoughts on plumber unions. See, union
delegates are elected every five years. These delegates then report to the group of general
officers, as mentioned in section 5-G of the union code. Now, this differs from general
contractor unions in 18 ways. First…
With help from Rosalie, Bella gets up to use the restroom. But she forgets her cup of
human blood on the couch, and as it starts to spill, she tries to grab it. This action causes
something inside her body to rip, and she vomits up a "fountain of blood."
Gross.
But let's back up a minute. Bella was drinking human blood, not animal blood. When this
cup filled with human blood spills, why isn't Jasper going bonkers and turning into a
Gollum-like character as he dives face first into his "precious" patch of bloody sofa
cushion? And forgive me for being icky, but why don’t the vampires drink up Bella's
nutrient-rich barf?
Oh, right. Because vampires have 25 chromosomes, Optimus Beyonce has 24
chromosomes, and Alice's powers only work when someone makes a decision. Also, the
force.
Prediction:
Stephenie Meyer's editor has a few questions. He visits Castle Twilight to speak to the
author.
EDITOR: Hi, Steph. Got the new pages. It looks fantastic. Great stuff. But why aren't
Jasper and the other Cullens tempted by the cup of blood that Bella spilled?
MEYER: [Stroking her evil pet opossum] Fool…do you really think my readers would
care about such things when a beautiful child that shall shine like the moon is about to be
brought into the world?
EDITOR: Right. But the thing is, you made a big deal about human blood and how
Jasper can't control himself.
MEYER: [Getting louder as lightning strikes in the background] And the child shall be
glorious and perfect in ways we mortals cannot comprehend, for this babe will be as
strong as a mountain and as fierce as a hawk swooping through the delicate winds of
passion on the—
EDITOR: That's neat, but there's copious amounts of human blood splattered all over the
house. It doesn't make sense for the vampires to sit idly by.
MEYER: [Gazing out her stone window] The child will have the voice of angels and
hair like that of a baby unicorn. The child's eyes will be two perfect pools of perfect water
so perfect you can see not only your reflection in them, but also the reflection of your
future self, for its eyes will bend time and space with their beauty—
EDITOR: OK. So you don't care about consistency? You just care about babies? Is that
it?
MEYER: [Walks over to her pet hyena and strokes its fur] The child's laugh will bring
tears of joy to everyone, and even to the trees. The trees, they will weep. They will weep
a weep that no poem can capture. The tears of the trees shall fall onto the loam and—
EDITOR: You're just spouting gibberish and trying to make it sound smart, aren't you?
MEYER: [Wraps her pet cobra around her neck while feeding her pet shark] And the
despondent wind will answer like laborious rain on the rooftops of heartache as the soft
melancholy feet of those young souls trot hopelessly on the loam of antiquity.
EDITOR: Uh-huh. I'm also cutting the scene in which Quil takes Claire to the dentist. It
was too erotic and abhorrent.
MEYER: [Laughs] You think you can control me, do you? You think you hold the
power? Then I banish you! I banish you to realms of ice and fear!
EDITOR: Um. OK. I'll get going. By the way, where do werewolf tails go and what's the
deal with Alice?
MEYER: OUT! [Lightning crashes]
[The editor leaves.]
MEYER: [Sits back in her throne] Soon, they will see. Yes. They shall see through my
mind. Soon…[She cackles while fondling an evil magic stone in her hand.]
QUIL: My girlfriend is dressing up as peas in a pod for Halloween. I'm going as a
farmer.
Blogging
Breaking Dan:
Part 18
Chapter Eighteen: There
Are No Words For This
No.
Murmurs: It doesn't
matter.
Mutters: What's the
point?
Prediction:
Stephenie Meyer drives
to me house, knocks on my door, and kicks me in the crotch while pouring broken glass
into my mouth and shoving fire ants in my ears.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 18
(Revisited)
Chapter Eighteen: There
Are No Words For This
Bella's Title: Who Wants to
Date My Baby?
Let's try this again.

It's going to be tough
blogging this chapter,
because when I finished
reading it, I threw it so hard it became embedded in the wall. Then I burned the wall.
Then I fed the ashes to a duck and fed the duck to a bear. Then I sold the bear to some
Russians, and sent it on its merry way. So I can't go back and check my facts.
One thing is for sure. Jacob is in love with a newborn baby. And with that, Stephenie
Meyer has revealed herself to be an unholy creature of malice. Her body is a cocoon of
meat that houses her true self, a monster made of shadow and hurt. I would call the police
and have her arrested, but surely her wicked words have enchanted all manner of
authority. How else could such an evil tome not only be sold in stores, but go on to be a
bestseller? My fear now is that she's reading these blogs, perhaps using a magical sphere
of obsidian glass to gaze at my work. These articles have angered her and she is no doubt
planning my death. But I will continue. I'm not afraid of you, Shadow Queen!
As for the chapter itself, this is perverted freak fan-fiction, the kind of crap you'd find if
you searched the internet for "perverted freak fan-fiction." This isn't lovely. This isn't
romantic. This is wrong. It's wrong on every level. Only on opposite day could I say with
a clear conscience that Chapter 18 wasn't the very worst thing I had ever read, and even
then I would scream, "Opposite Day!" so loud glass would shatter and butterflies would
lose their wings.
Jacob loves a baby?! A baby!? He wants to marry a baby?!!?
I made a lot of jokes about Quil, and he deserved the mockery. But at least Quil had the
decency to fall in love with someone that could form words, eat solid foods, and support
her own neck.
Jacob…I…I don't know what to say. But I don't hate you, Jacob. It's not your fault. It's
the fault of your master, the Shadow Queen.
And to those who say Jacob's love for baby Optimus Beyonce is pure and innocent, I say,
"PFFFFFFFF!" And if you try that argument again, I will say, "Double-PFFFFF!" So
Jacob is going to be a father figure for Optimus until she's of age? What age? Is there a
switch in Optimus' belly that can be flipped from "Cute Kid" to "Sexually Attractive
Woman"? When will Jacob know it's OK to give Optimus a special hug? Is Imprinting
bound by the laws of the government? On her 18th birthday, will Jacob look at her and
suddenly realize: You know what? This child that I cared for is actually very sexy. Maybe
I should do her.
Do you see the problem here? Do you understand how very sick this is? Let's switch up
the roles, just for fun. Let's say a 17-year-old girl falls in love with a baby boy. That
young woman mothers the baby until the time is right and they get married. Are you
telling me this baby-turned-man isn't going to have major mommy issues and social
development problems? Will he still ask his wife to tie his shoes, and wipe his nose?
I could go on and on, and I'm sure I will in later blogs. But I've been so angry about this
that I need to let it go and move forward. Let's focus on the good things. For instance,
Bella is dead. Yay! Though I'm sure her death is short-lived…or short-deathed, as it
were.
The chapter begins with Bella flapping around wildly as she goes into labor. Twice in this
chapter Stephenie Meyer uses the word "red" instead of "blood." It's pretty funny.
Example: "Her hand came down to Bella's stomach, and vivid red sprouted out from
where she pierced the skin."
It gives new meaning to the song "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" and to the
restaurant Red Robin…though Blood Robin would make a great name for my metal
band.
The birthing scene is intense, and had the chapter not ended without Jacob falling for a
baby, it would make for a fun chapter to read this Halloween season. You have Bella
spitting up blood, Rosalie trying to cut the baby out of Bella's stomach, and gross
crunching noises coming from Bella's belly. It's the stuff B-horror movies are made of.
With Carlisle away, it's up to Rose, Edward, and Jacob to help deliver the baby. But
when Rose first slices Bella open, the blood is too tempting and the vampire almost loses
control. Luckily Jacob steps in and kicks Blondie's ass in a surprising scene of action. I
won't lie. It was a lot fun watching Jacob beat the crap out of her. She had it coming.
Rose is dragged out of the room by Alice, who isn't helping with the delivery because
Alice is Alice. With just Edward and Jacob in the makeshift operating room, Dr. Edward
starts giving Jake orders. Bella isn't breathing, so Jake has to give her mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation to keep her going. BTW: I spelled "resuscitation" correctly on my first try!
Meanwhile, Edward chews the baby out of Bella like the guy who chews the gum out of
Blow-Pop.
It's gross. It's cool. It's very intense. How they will make this into a PG-13 film is beyond
me. Perhaps instead of the gore, Bella and Edward will adopt a baby…played by Amy
Poehler. And then wacky hijinks ensue. That's the movie I want to see.
The delivery doesn't go very well for Bella. Her heart stops beating, perhaps because of
the stress, or perhaps because girls in romance novels often have malfunctioning hearts.
Jacob tries to administer CPR, but the chest compressions don't seem to be working.
Good.
Meanwhile, the suddenly calm and collected Rose shows up in the doorway and asks to
take the baby while Edward and Jacob try to save Bella's life. Edward hands Optimus
over and prepares a needle of vampire venom for Bella. He's going to transform her into a
vampire…I guess. I thought Edward wasn't strong enough to resist killing her? You can
just do it with a needle? Why didn't they do that a year ago? Oh, I forgot. Bella loves
Edward, and people have chromosomes.
He plunges the needle of vamp venom into Bella's dead heart. Jacob backs away. He
thinks Bella is done for. Edward then begins to bite Bella all over her body. It's pretty
twisted. After he opens her flesh, he runs his tongue over the wounds, and the gashes heal
themselves. Did I read this part correctly? I can't double check because my copy of the
book is now inside a duck that's inside a bear that's inside Russia. I didn't know vampires
had spit, and that it could heal wounds. If their spit is so magical, I wonder what their pee
can do? It can probably cure diabetes or at least get rid of head lice.
Edward must seal in the vampire venom so that it works faster. But Jacob thinks Bella is
dead and has a strong urge to just run away, like he always does. Edward tells him to go,
and as Jacob walks down the stairs, he has evil thoughts about what he wants to do to
these vampires. Yes!
This part is really cool. I thought Meyer was setting up Jacob to be a renegade badass that
served up his own brand of Thunder Justice, and maybe he would go on to star in his own
Bravo TV series called Thunder Justice.
He looks at Rose sitting on the couch and hears the baby murmur. That's right, folks, the
child's first word is a murmur. I hate this baby so much.
Thoughts of violence and anger flood Jacob's mind. He wants payback for killing Bella.
He wants to kill the baby, and take out as many Cullens as he can in the process. He
doesn't care about anything except destruction and revenge. Yes!
And then Optimus looks at him, and they fall in love.
The paragraphs after this moment of imprint are so oddly worded that it's difficult to tell
what Jacob is thinking. He talks about balloons and how Optimus is now the only balloon
in his life, and there's something about hearts changing.
The end was hard to read because the book was flying through the air at this point.
Prediction:
Stephenie Meyer continues to ruin the only good things about this book.
ALICE: Hey, Emmett, how's it going?
EMMETT: Pretty good. I just traded in all my swords and weapons for some yarn.
ALICE: Why?
EMMETT: Now I'm all about knitting. No more violence and tough-guy stuff for me.
ALICE: That's so odd.
EMMETT: And instead of being strong, I'm going to eat junk food and get big and fat.
I've already knitted myself some new fat-guy slacks.
ALICE: Wow.
EMMETT: I also feel that all arguments should be settled through diplomacy and hug
fights.
ALICE: Hug fights?
EMMETT: Yeah, if the werewolves try to attack, we will hug them. The love will stop
the violence. I wrote a song about on my piccolo.
ALICE: You've really changed.
EMMETT: Did I mention that I got us Selena Gomez concert tickets? So excited! Eeee!
I'm knitting her a hat. What do you think her favorite color is? I hope it's red, but it might
be purple. Better make two hats.
ALICE: Well, I just stopped by to say that I've become President of the World and
everyone on the planet must respect me and my super power.
EMMETT: I'm making brownies. The secret ingredient is a double pinch of sugar!
Eeeee!
QUIL: My girlfriend's jeans are held up with elastic.
JACOB: My girlfriend clutches your finger if you rub it on her palm
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 19
Chapter Nineteen:
Burning
Better Title: I Wonder
What's On TV
Because Jacob is now a

pervert and presumably
took Optimus Beyonce
on a date to Babies R
Us to buy her a new bib
that reads "Puppy
Love," the book shifts focus and we once again are treated to Bella's narration for this last
section of the book.
Since we now move into the last "book" of this book, there are more blank spaces for me
to illustrate. And since October is coming to an end, what better time to draw Octo-Bear,
the bear that is an octopus!
I also took a stab at drawing a Novem-Bear. I don't know what a Novem is, but I assumed
it meant "balloon salesman." And the Novem-Bear has tentacles because it should.
Before the chapter begins, there is another preface that shows Bella in mortal danger.
Like the other prefaces in this series, this one takes place in the near future. And I'm
assuming that like the other prefaces in the series, this one will not nearly be as action-
packed as it seems.
Bella says, "The line of black advanced on us." In the last chapter, Stephenie Meyer used
the word "red" instead of "blood" for dramatic effect. Her use of "black" probably means
a pile of chocolate pudding is advancing, or perhaps evil coffee.
Of course it doesn’t. Bella is talking about the Volturi, who are coming after her for some
reason. I hope Marcus (giggle) is there. Maybe he can defeat the evil Cullens with his
mighty battle cry, "I can see relationships!!!"
I'm not getting my hopes up for a big battle. It would be nice. But you know what else
would have been nice? Jacob not being a pedophile. So I'm setting my expectations for
the remainder of this book to an all-time low. If there are jetpacks, that'd be great. At this
point, I'll feel lucky if no one else dates babies. Should the book end with everyone
sitting around drinking lemonade, I'd consider that a win.
The preface ends with Bella hungry for a fight—a fight I'm sure will be fought using
feathers and giggles.
The chapter finally begins. But don't get excited. Much of this chapter is simply the last
chapter told from Bella's point of view. I never liked how Stephenie Meyer wrote Jacob's
narration. (Loam? Really?) But I'd take more Jacob mind-thoughts over Bella's awful,
awful, awful words any day. I forgot how pretentious and overwritten her sections are.
Here's an example:
"I held the blackness of nonexistence at bay by inches."
Huh?
Anyway, most of the chapter is Bella telling us how much pain she's in. First she's about
to die because delivering Optimus Beyonce nearly killed her. And then she goes on and
on about how hot and awful the vampire venom feels as it takes hold of her body.
She's in agony and there's nothing she can do about it. Good! I hope it hurts.
This is what you get, Bella Swan. This is what you get for being a greedy, self-centered
jerk. This is what happens to people who let thousands die in Italy. This is what you get
for ruining Jacob's life and ignoring your human friends because you'd rather spend time
with pretty people. This is what happens to selfish brats that have no regard for their
family. This is what you get for being weak and dependent. This is what you get for lying
to your father. This is what you get for crying and complaining about your perfect life.
This is what you get for spending pages and pages describing freaking magnets! THIS IS
WHAT YOU GET!
I only wish the pain lasted longer than a chapter. An entire book of Bella's torture would
be nice. And maybe if the book were illustrated…with Octo-Bears…I would finally
sympathize with this, the least likable character in the history of novels.
Bella, I do not care one tiny bit that you're in pain.
She tries to explain the agony, comparing it to fire and acid, but if it hurts that badly, how
can she narrate the experience using her same goofy Bella-words? If I were burning from
the inside out, I don't think I would stop to think, "And, for a never-ending space, that
was all there was. Just the fiery torture, and my soundless shrieks, pleading for death to
come. Nothing else, not even time. So that made it infinite, with no beginning and no
end. One infinite moment of pain."
Had I been Bella, this chapter would have been much shorter and written thusly:
"Agh! What the hell! Ah! I deserve this! Hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot, hot! &*$#! Argggh!
And then Edward touched me and he was pretty. The End."
For some reason, Bella doesn't want to scream. I guess she doesn't want Edward and the
others to know how much pain she's in. But don't for a minute think this makes her a
strong character. If anything, it makes her weaker, because she's so afraid of upsetting
Edward that she's willing to suffer horrible pain without making a peep.
A strong character would remain silent during an interrogation, when speaking or
screaming would give the enemy the upper hand. Keeping quiet because you don't want
your boyfriend to feel sad isn't a sign of strength. It's pathetic.
With Bella busy becoming a vampire, the other Cullens check on her and talk amongst
themselves. They mention morphine, and how it may alter the pain. Someone says
something about a heartbeat. They discuss the relationship between Jacob and Optimus,
and they don't know which side Bella will take.
So there's a chance that the Cullens might actually step in and say, "Whoa! We don't care
about people being killed in Italy, but baby-dating ain't cool, bro." But I doubt it. Instead,
I bet they will find the love between Jacob and Optimus to be pure and wonderful and
everyone will dance amongst the stars on clouds made of romance and hugs.
I'm sure even Bella will be happy that her newborn daughter found a boyfriend, because
something tells me Bella is going to be a terrific mom.
OPTIMUS: Mom, I broke my arm.
BELLA: Don't cry, my love. Crying will make Jacob sad. You should never make a boy
feel sad.
OPTIMUS: But it hurts. The bone is sticking out.
BELLA: A sad boyfriend will dump you. You must remain silent. Never show your true
feelings.
OPTIMUS: My kindergarten teacher says it's odd that I have a boyfriend. The police
asked me all sorts of questions. I think Jacob's in trouble.
BELLA: But your love is 100% love. You cannot argue against 100% love. Once the
courts realize that, I'm sure they will let Jacob go free.
OTPIMUS: Yay!
BELLA: Now come here and let me tell you all about the time I let thousands of people
die because me and your dad are lazy.
Alice also stops in to check on Bella. Guess what? Her powers have returned and she can
now see Bella's future. Guess what? Bella is going to survive! Guess what? Bella's going
to be super-pretty! Guess what? I hate Alice.
Did Bella decide to survive? Did she decide to be pretty? I decided to be pretty too, but
that didn't make it happen. (Wearing a monkey shirt certainly helped, though.)
Happy Alice then giggles and smirks and pisses me off. She can't see Optimus Beyonce's
future clearly, because the child is a vampire/human hybrid who loves werewolves, so
obviously Alice can't see its future. Duh! But since the baby is out of Bella's belly, Alice
can once again predict Bella's future in the same illogical way she always had.
Bella, still in tremendous amounts of pain, can hear the Cullens talk downstairs thanks to
her new super-human ears. She hears the baseball game and Rose and Emmett arguing
over something.
Emmett's here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I'm having a board game night, and I picked
you to be on my Pictionary team. We're not allowed to use or write words, but I'm getting
a few key phrases tattooed on my arm so I can slyly point to them during the game. So
far, I have the words: truck, castle, trampoline, Norway, head over heels, swimming pool,
duck, goose, water fowl, and Hemingway. I also have a giant back-tattoo of the band No
Doubt sitting on a see-saw with the Dixie Chicks. Could come in handy.
By the way, Emmett, it's OK if you want to kill Jacob. He's gross. Thanks!
And then Bella complains again and again about the fire in her body. Carlisle sees some
improvement, but Bella is still in agony. Her heart begins to beat faster and faster and
faster…until it stops beating. And then I guess Bella is a vampire. Whoopty-doo.
Prediction:
The Volturi show up. All hell breaks loose.
ARO: Give us the child.
EDWARD: Never!
ARO: Do it, or else you will die!
JACOB: You can't take my love away from me!
ARO: Um…and who are you?
JACOB: I'm Jacob, the shoeless werewolf!
[Marcus leans over to Aro and whispers something and points to Jacob]
ARO: Ewwww! Really? Ewww! That's, like, insane!
JACOB: I love her.
ARO: This is perverted freak fan-fiction. We should kill you on general principle. You
love a baby? A baby? Really?
JACOB: It's not like that. I will love her like a daughter until she is mature enough to
mouth kiss me—
ARO: Enough! Marcus, kill this baby-dater.
[Marcus leans over to Aro and whispers something else]
ARO: I don’t really care if Hilary Duff thinks that guy on Glee is hot. I don’t even watch
Glee!
MARCUS: You should. It's corny, but in the best possible way. It's a lot like—
ARO: Silence! Kill the shoeless one. And the other Volturi, whose names I forget, go kill
the Cullens!
QUIL: My girlfriend and I had a fight. She wanted Legos. I think Legos are too sharp,
and so I got her Duplo Blocks. She's not happy.
JACOB: My girlfriend just discovered her toes.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 20
Chapter 20: New
Better Title: Baby? What
Baby?
Bella is a fantastic
mother, one who puts
her child's safety ahead
of all else, even if it
means self-sacrifice and
hardship. (Sarcasm
Hand.) Bella is a
horrible mother, one who would much rather make out with boys and touch her pretty
hair than so much as even ask about her child's well-being. (Sincerity Foot.)
After waking up a vampire, Bella spends most of the chapter describing her own beauty
and newfound super senses. Her child is the subject of only about five sentences in the
entire chapter, and these sentences make Optimus Beyonce sound like a new iPod instead
of a living, breathing baby. Surely becoming a vampire is a life-changing event, and I
understand that it's safer for blood-hungry Bella to be away from her baby, but it takes
Bella five pages to even think about her daughter, and once she's told that Rosalie is
looking after the baby, Bella goes right back to her I'm-So-Pretty routine.
Yep, Bella is perfect now. She's so perfect that all the constellations in the night's sky
have been renamed Bella, except for the ugly ones.
Her super powered eyes notice all the tiny details of the world and she even sees a new
color, which I will name Infra-Brown. She spends a lot of time talking about the beauty
of dust motes. I counted 287 instances of the word "motes" in this chapter. If the girl is
going gaga for dust, she's going to pee herself when she watches Toy Story 3 on Blu-Ray.
And she's so perfect now that her pee is a 100% efficient alternative fuel source, and
smells like vanilla.
You might be wondering why Bella isn't a raving monstrous lunatic starving for blood
and willing to kill everyone in her path just to get a tiny drop of the "red." But you must
remember that this is Bella, not a regular person. When Bella becomes a vampire, she
doesn't become a crazy demon, but instead becomes a classy beauty queen.
If Bella got rabies, she wouldn't foam at the mouth, but would shoot rainbows from her
nostrils. If she was stricken with a hideous toe fungus, it wouldn't make her toenail look
like zombie flesh, but instead her toe would encase itself in a cocoon of the finest silk.
And if Bella drank a lot of soda, she wouldn't succumb to burps, but instead her
gastrointestinal system would recite a wondrous melody that sounded like a Beatles song
mixed with Beethoven. Bella isn't a typical girl. She's the most fabulous woman in all the
lands, and nothing bad shall ever befall her.
I hate Bella.
At least Emmett is there in the room too. Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, the book is winding
down, with only 3,499 pages left to go. When it's all over, what will you do? Can I write
a story about you? Can that story be called Mega Guys? And can that story be about you
and your sidekick Lan Lergstein, who solve cosmic crimes while riding sasquatches?
And can your catchphrase in the story be, "All aboard the Pain Train! Woo-Woo!"? And
can Lan Lergstein's catchphrase in the story be, "Mac-N-Cheese!"? And can I draw it?
And will you sign my cast if I break a bone?
Emmett and Jasper are there to keep a sense of order should Bella freak out and go on a
murderous rampage. She has newborn vampire super strength, and is stronger than
Edward to the point that he must remind her to loosen her grip during a rather passionate
hug. But the extra precaution isn't needed since Bella is 160% perfect in every possible
way. Instead of boogers, she has tiny diamonds in her nose, and when she sneezes,
butterflies fly out of her mouth—butterflies made of satin and lace. She also vomits pure
sunshine and when she passes gas, an underprivileged kid gets a new toy.
No one is sure how Bella will react to being a vampire. Carlisle thinks she will have an
easier time of it because she was mentally prepared. He asks Bella about her
transformation, but she's reluctant to tell him what a horrible, painful experience it was
because she doesn’t want Edward to feel bad. So she tells him it went swimmingly.
Bella is so perfect now that when she hiccups, delicious cake icing squirts out of her
bellybutton like Play-Doh.
She's been unconscious for about two days, and during that time Esme has been running
interference with Charlie. Good ol' Charlie is still under the impression that Bella was
stricken with a mysterious illness in South America and has been transported to the
Center for Disease Control for further observation. It's a great cover story, except how
will they explain the baby?
CHARLIE: Is Bella OK? Did the mystery sickness kill her?
ESME: No. She's fine. In fact, she had a baby.
CHARLIE: Huh?
ESME: One of the side effects of Brazil Flu is that it makes you spontaneously pregnant.
CHARLIE: But how can the baby grow so fast? It's only been a month!
ESME: The disease works retroactively.
CHARLIE: Huh?
ESME: Once the disease entered her body, it traveled back through time because it
moves at twice the speed of light, and it took Bella's uterus with it.
CHARLIE: That makes sense. I will not inquire further regarding my only child's health
and well-being because I trust you, a woman whom I've only met once or twice.
ESME: I'm glad.
CHARLIE: Sports.
QUIL: My girlfriend calls Thanksgiving "Turkey Day."
JACOB: My girlfriend is entertained by keys.
With the world's best cover story in place, Bella doesn't care about her dad, and doesn’t
even mention her mom. So she has no regard for her parents, and all but forgets that she
has a child. Yep, Bella Swan-Cullen is one terrific person worthy of a trophy and a cash
prize for being all-around great.
Bella is so perfect that instead of earwax, she has ear kittens.
Edward says they need to take Bella on her first hunting trip. She's not thrilled with the
idea, and is worried that she won't know what to do, but Edward says her instincts will
take over. Don't worry, Bella. You're perfect. You're so perfect that you never need to
brush your teeth. In fact, your teeth will brush you!
She admits that her throat is a bit dry and she's slightly thirsty, but she's not a crazed
beast. So all that crap in the last book about the newborn vampire army is complete bull
poop? I'm glad I didn't spend five months reading it. At least Bella is perfect. We can all
be happy about that. (Sarcasm Fist.)
Bella is so perfect that she must wear a burlap sack over her head, because if she walked
outside with her face uncovered, all matter in the galaxy would be attracted to her beauty,
thus causing a black hole. A beautiful, perfect black hole…made of satin.
They make a few excuses for Bella's classy behavior. It might have something to with
Bella's ability to control her emotions, or more likely her ability to be perfect whenever
the story calls for it.
I wanted to see Monster Bella. I was looking forward to the chapter in which she tried to
eat Mike Newton or kill the long-forgotten Angela. Instead we get Sophisticated Bella. A
Princess Bella so perfect that she is dressed in the morning by singing blue birds, and
disrobed at night by baby pterodactyls.
Before going on the hunt, Stupid Alice wants Bella to look at herself in the mirror. And
for the next 287 pages, we're treated to every adjective for "pretty" in the human language
as Bella describes herself in endless detail. This scene is hard to get through without
smacking my own face, so instead I let my mind wander. I bet yogurt-covered pretzels
would sell better if they were called pretzel-injected yogurt. Anyway, where was I?
Her skin is perfect. Her arms are perfect. Her hair is perfect. The only thing wrong is her
eye color, which is a fiery red. Poor Bella doesn't like her red eyes, and so Edward rips
them out of her sockets and shoves new, better eyes into her head. Kidding, but you know
the thought crossed his mind. He hates Sad Bella. I hate All-The-Time Bella.
Edward explains that her eyes will become golden after a few months. That's not soon
enough for Princess Bella, but she's willing to deal with unusual eye color for two months
in exchange for immortality, pure love, super powers, all the money in the world, and
new fancy clothes. She's so very brave.
If becoming a vampire is such a wonderful thing, then Carlisle is an ass for not doing it
more often. I've mentioned this countless times before, but why not turn everyone into a
vampire? Why can't I have immortality and great looks? Does Carlisle hate me because I
don't have a gallbladder? I can't help that, Carlisle! My gallbladder was heavily diseased!
You're such an ass!
Speaking of medical conditions, wouldn't Bella still have a big belly from the pregnancy?
And if her appearance was frozen in time when she became a vampire, wouldn't she
always have this stretched-out belly? Oh, I forget. Bella is perfect. She's so perfect that if
you whisper her name three times, a baby deer is born.
As the perfect vampires continue to talk and glimmer and be wonderful, Bella can hear or
sense that Jacob is still in the house and wonders what's up with that. No one has the guts
to say, "He's dating your baby," and Bella assumed Jacob is still there because of magic
and friendship.
By the way, Bella is so perfect that she has somehow already won the gold medal in
Men's Snowboarding for the 2014 Winter Olympics. She's also the new Czar of Portugal
and has found, like, fifteen leprechauns. And her fingers taste like white Life Saver
candies.
They're finally about to leave and kill animals, when Bella remarks once again on her
beauty. Edward looks sad. At first Bella thinks Edward isn't satisfied with her new
beauty, because that would make a lot of sense. Instead, Edward says he's miffed because
he still can't read Bella's mind. Then the two lovebirds joke and laugh and have grand
fun, while their daughter is downstairs dating a seventeen-year-old man.
Motes: A billion (Book total: A billion)
Prediction:
Bella continues to forget about her baby.
BELLA: Look at all the dust! It's so beautiful.
EDWARD: That's great, lamb. Did you feed Renesmee?
BELLA: Who?
EDWARD: Our baby. Did you feed her?
BELLA: The dust is so…dusty. Had I tears, I would shed them in honor of the dust's
natural beauty.
EDWARD: Our baby needs food to live.
BELLA: I want to marry the dust, and have dust babies!
EDWARD: You already have a baby. Our baby. Remember?
BELLA: Oh. That baby is OK, but dust is better because dust can float like spirits on the
wind. Our baby can't float like spirits on the wind. Our baby can't float at all.
EDWARD: I'll feed her. But you need to help out.
BELLA: Edward! Corn on the cob looks like golden pebbles on a unicorn's horn!!!! I
want to rub corn all over my face! Corn is so majestic!
EDWARD: Bella, Renesmee is crying. Did you change her diaper?
BELLA: What diaper? Who are you? Oh my god! Have you ever noticed that marvelous
"Wrrrrr" sound the refrigerator makes? 'Tis like angels singing on Christmas morn'!
EDWARD: Why did you give our baby a pair of scissors?
BELLA: Huh? I don't know. She looked like she wanted to cut something. Whatever. I
don’t have time for this. I need to look at this beautiful doorknob! It's so beautiful and
knobby!
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks numbers stop at 10.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 21
Chapter Twenty-One:
First Hunt
Better Title: The Amazing
Adventures of Super Bella
and Her Sidekick, Lullaby
Lad
Thirsty Bella must kill

her first wild animal,
and Edward wants to show her how it's done in this bloody and bloody confusing chapter.
I still question Edward and Bella's parenting skills. Once again, their baby is the subject
of three sentences in the entire chapter. But perhaps leaving your baby with an
emotionally damaged vampire woman and a 17-year-old baby-dater is a good idea, one
that parenting magazines and self-help books should examine more closely. Who am I to
say that abandoning your two-day-old child to make out in the forest is wrong?
I know. I know. Bella can't be around Optimus Beyonce because Bella is a bloodthirsty
monster. Except she's not a monster at all. She's the most polite, well-mannered newborn
vampire since Elijah Wood. We all know she wouldn't try to eat baby Optimus. And even
if Bella were a monster, shouldn't she be screaming to see her child? Couldn't they set up
a video-chat thing?
It doesn’t matter because Bella would much rather touch Edward's face for the next few
hours than think about motherhood. I forget about the face touching. Bella has been in
bad shape for most of the book, with a devil's child growing in her belly. This put a halt
on all face touching. Now that she is no longer preggers, Edward and Super Bella spend
most of his time touching faces. It's hilarious.
Doesn't this get old? I can understand being smitten and obsessed with a boyfriend for the
first few months. Then things cool down, even for soulmates. I'm sure if Romeo and
Juliet didn't die like the pathetic teenagers that they were, their relationship would be
much different as time went on.
JULIET: Honey, why are you Romeo? You should get a new name, like Leroy.
ROMEO: We went over this a billion times. It's just a name. If you had a rose, and
called it a muffin, it would still smell like a rose. Duh.
JULIET: Oh, right. Did you set up TiVo to record Little People Big World?
ROMEO: I forgot.
JULIET: [Sarcastically] Way to go, Romeo.
[Romeo spends the rest of the evening in the basement working on his model trains as
Juliet does Sudoku puzzles on the sofa upstairs.]
Bella is nervous about going on her first hunt. Edward says everything will go splendidly,
and suggests they hop out of the bedroom window so that they don't walk past Optimus
Beyonce and the baby-dater downstairs. Bella notices that she's wearing a fancy silk dress
and high-heeled shoes, courtesy of the wonderful Alice. However, moments later, Bella
tosses the shoes aside, and while running through the forest, she rips the dress. I'm left
wondering why Alice even dressed Bella in such a frock.
Alice should have clearly seen the future. Edward had decided to take Bella hunting.
Alice would have known this was going to happen. So why didn't she dress Bella in
sweatpants and sneakers? Oh, right. Because this book was scientifically engineered to
piss me off to such an extent that the word "Twilight" makes my teeth itch. And vampires
have two extra chromosomes.
Bella is scared about jumping. She was always a klutz. She doesn’t want to look foolish
in front of her new family, and she certainly doesn't want Emmett to make fun of her.
Emmett's there? Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, when we pick names out of the hat for Secret
Santa, pick the piece of paper that's wet. That's my name. I licked it so you could find it.
And when you go shopping for my gift, remember that I want a toaster that only toasts an
odd number of bagels, I wear an XL-sized foot puppet, I don't like carrots unless they're
cooked, I already have a strobe light, Jupiter is my favorite planet, I'm in desperate need
of purple Legos, I want a new Xbox because mine smells like milk, I can't speak Dutch,
I'm scared of giant sand worms, and in terms of Viking helmets, I need one with dull horn
tips so I can safely wear it on a plane—maybe one with fuzzy giraffe horns? Oh, and a
gift card to Home Depot would be splendid. Thanks! I already picked out your present.
Hint: I hope you like crudely made, life-sized statues of yourself made out of wood and
used hair. (Act surprised, OK?)
At the window, Bella watches her beloved Edward leap effortlessly to the ground. She's
scared, but jumps out of the window and is surprised at the soft landing. All sense of
clumsiness has vanished. Belly is as a graceful as I will be in my giraffe-Viking helmet.
Emmett doesn't mock Bella, so I better do it for him.
Hey Bella, when you jumped down you looked like a booger! Yeah, you heard me,
booger.
See, Emmett? Did you see what I just did? Oh man, I totally burned Bella, hardcore! I
can be cool like you! I can make witty comments! Why won't you answer my letters and
songs?
Edward leads Bella to a river and tells her to jump across. Bella isn't sure she can do it, so
Eddie goes first. Bella rips her dress to give her legs room to move, and bounds across
the water like a fairy gliding across a dream, or a mosquito buzzing across a lake made of
puke and walrus sweat.
On the other side, the two lovers begin to run. Bella tells us that Edward is faster than
her, but she is stronger, so each of her strides is equal to three of Edward's. That doesn't
make sense. She says, "So I flew with him through the living green web, by his side, not
following at all." Um, honey, that doesn't mean he's faster than you. If you're running
side-by-side, you're running at the same speed. Do you not know what "same" means?
I'm pretty sure Grover covered this in-depth on an episode of Sesame Street.
After running for a while, they stop, and Edward asks Bella to listen for nearby animals.
He thinks she should try hunting elk because it may be easier than going after a larger
animal. Why don't they hunt squirrels instead? Or sleepy dogs?
Bella uses her super hearing to listen for animal sounds. She hears heartbeats in the
distance and suddenly remembers that she's thirsty for blood. She's not sure what to do
next, and Edward tells her to let her instincts take over. I once let my instincts take over.
It didn't end well. This is why we call August 20, 2003, "The Night Dan Wanted To See
What Marbles Tasted Like."
She approaches the small herd of elk and is about to strike when she smells human blood
and then goes insane for a few paragraphs. It's hard to tell if she's going insane, or if
Stephenie Meyer is simply writing Bella as she normally does. This scene is as confusing
as any other action scene in the series. I don't know what happens. Instead, I thought
about freezing an octopus and throwing it like a throwing star at my enemy.
Running after this poor human, Bella feels as though she's being followed. Her defense
mechanisms kick in, and like an animal, she snarls at the would-be attacker, only to
realize that it's Edward chasing her. She calms down and feels bad for baring her teeth at
her husband. Tell me if I got this wrong: Bella chases a human. Edward chases Bella.
Then Bella stops chasing the human and growls at Edward. Pretty straightforward, right?
So why is it so hard to follow in the book? Because vampires have chromosomes.
Edward is impressed that Bella not only stopped chasing the human, but could control
herself enough to have a conversation. She says it's no biggie. She knew she had to stop
or else she would attack the poor human. She adds, "It might have been someone I
knew." Oh stop it, Bella. You only know four people in the entire world who aren't
monsters. Plus, we all know you have little regard for human life. (Please see every
instance in which I made mention of "Italy" and/or "victim.") Had it not been for Edward
chasing her, Bella would be flossing out bits of human by now.
With her emotions in check, Bella and Edward do a bit of hiking and eventually stumble
upon a poor mountain lion that I have named Lil' David. Lil' David is minding his own
business, hanging out in a tree, when Bella, the mother who probably forget her own
child's name, attacks and slaughters him in a shocking scene of violence.
Sorry, Lil' David. We hardly knew thee.
Killing the mountain lion was no big deal for Bella, who greedily sucks down Lil' David's
blood like he was a furry milkshake. Did I mention that Lil' David used to purr like a
house cat, and as a cub, his face would scrunch up in the cutest way when he tried to
growl? Poor, sweet Lil' David.
After killing Lil' David, Bella notices that what little remained of her dress is now stained
with blood, and there are chunks of Lil' David in her hair. She wonders how Edward can
hunt and keep so clean.
Drinking Lil' David's blood wasn't enough for piggy Bella. She wants more blood.
Edward suggest they hunt for some deer, but Bella doesn't like herbivore blood as much
as carnivore blood. I expected Edward to dart into the words and emerge with a shark for
Bella in one hand and giant fat guy in the other. Instead, he says, "Tough luck, kiddo,"
but in his usual prissy manner.
They find some deer, kill 'em, and eat 'em. Once again, Bella makes a mess of her kill,
and decides to watch Edward kill a deer to see how to murder cleanly. While watching
her husband slaughter an animal, Bella is mesmerized by his beauty and grace. She
notices every line of his body and the way the light shines on him like stars shining in the
sky. Barf. Bella, you do remember you have a baby, right?
Yes, she finally remembers her newborn babe, and asks Edward if she can see Optimus
Beyonce. Instead of answering her, he kisses her and they touch faces for a while. Then
all thoughts of paternity fly out the window as Bella tackles Edward to the ground.
Before they engage in a special hug, Edward brings up Optimus Beyonce, and Bella
decides that maybe making sweet love in the forest isn't as important as holding your
child for the first time. Good call, Bella. Maybe next you'll have an epiphany and scream,
"You shouldn't feed staples to a baby," or, "Babies don't bounce," or, "Babies shouldn't
go clubbing with werewolves." But I'm probably asking for too much.
Prediction:
On the way back home, Bella and Edward talk.
EDWARD: Holding our baby will be the greatest moment in our existence.
BELLA: Yep. Ooh! But first can we go to the movies? I want to see Jackass 3D!
EDWARD: Well, OK. But then we go right home to see the baby.
[90 minutes later]
BELLA: I want to see it again. The story was hard to follow.
EDWARD: OK. One more time. And then we go home?
BELLA: Sure thing.
[90 minutes later]
EDWARD: Ready to see your baby?
BELLA: Kind of. But I really need to go to the store to get some batteries. Maybe after
that I will want to see my child.
[20 minutes later]
BELLA: Now I want to go to the craft store and get some birdhouse wood.
EDWARD: Why?
BELLA: To a build a birdhouse...for the batteries.
EDWARD: Fine. Whatever.
[3 hours later]
BELLA: Boy, was it tough picking the right birdhouse wood.
EDWARD: Now can we go?
BELLA: Do you want to make out for bit?
EDWARD: No….well, yes. But we should go back home.
BELLA: But I want to make out. Our baby isn't going anywhere. She can't even walk!
EDWARD: Good point. [Edward applies his kissing balm]
[1 hour later]
EDWARD: Phew. That was great kissing.
BELLA: Yep. Do you want to play basketball?
EDWARD: No. You should see Optimus Beyonce.
BELLA: You're just chicken. You know I would kick your ass on the court.
EDWARD: [Angry] Bring it, lamb! [Grabs nearby basketball]
BELLA: It's on!
[1 hour later, back at the Cullen house.]
BELLA: OK. Where is the baby? I'm ready to be a mom.
ROSE: Sorry guys. The baby thinks the sofa is her mom now. She also calls the floor,
"Dah-dah."
BELLA: Darn. Hey Edward, do you want to play me in Call of Duty?
QUIL: My girlfriend is afraid of being flushed down the toilet.
JACOB: My girlfriend has never experienced a Thursday.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 22
Chapter Twenty-Two:
Promised
Better Title: Look Who's
Talking
I want Ms. Meyer to

explain Renesmee more
clearly, because the
baby is a one big
contradiction. Bella and
Edward go on and on
telling us that she is equal parts both of them. She has Edward's facial features, but
Bella's eyes. She has a heartbeat, but craves blood. Her skin is warm, yet as tough as
vampire hide. She is 50% vampire and 50% human. And she's growing at an alarming
rate. How does that work? Why is no once concerned?
Vampires don't age fast. They don't age at all. So part of Optimus Beyonce should have
been frozen in time since the moment of conception, right? Perhaps she has the internal
organs of a zygote. It would be more accurate, and hilarious, if she had the head of a baby
but the body of an adult. Or if the left side of her body remained a fetus, while the right
side grew up normally. The point is, Stephenie Meyer's math doesn't add up.
If you take half a banana and stick it in a blender with half an apple, you won't end up
with a sludge that tastes like grapes and has the ability to shoot lasers. If you combine
two numbers, like five and three, the sum isn't "Super-Twenty." It doesn't work like that.
So where is Optimus Beyonce's convenient growth spurt coming from? I have theories:
1. Stephenie Meyer is very, very bad at math to the point where she cannot
understand simple fractions.
2. Renesmee is seriously ill with the tragic disease that destroyed her
pituitary gland and forces her to age rapidly. It's sad, really.
3. Charlie is a merman. Think about it: Bella never describes his legs in great
detail, and he sits often. Plus, we all know that when mer-people genes mix
with human/vampire genes, the result is a warm baby that grows fast until
the age of 13, when it explodes, unless you have the seven magic crystals and
the three magic wigs.
4. Renesmee grows fast because she has the same number of chromosomes
as a werewolf, but she isn't a werewolf because she has the same number of
eyelashes as a vampire, and she's not a real vampire because she has the
same number of freckles as a human. Duh.
5. She ate a Kit-Kat bar without breaking off any of the pieces, and we all
know eating the candy like that will curse you to an early death.
6. She ate magic ham.
Perhaps we'll get an answer in the next chapter. And perhaps I will eat olives tomorrow
while I get "Alice Cullen 4-Evah!" tattooed on my shoulder, above my dolphin.
Bella wonders why Jacob is still hanging around, and Edward refuses to explain the
situation. I can't fault him for that. It's not easy telling your wife that your newborn
daughter is dating a 17-year-old werewolf with rock-hard abs and leg muscles that look
as though they were forged of metal harvested from inside heaven's volcano.
Edward takes off his shirt and gives it to Bella, because she's still wearing the tattered,
bloodstained murder dress. Shirtless Edward and Shirted Bella race to the house and all is
happy and lovely with the world.
Wow. This book really doesn't have a point, does it? How can there still be 300+ pages
left? There's no conflict. There's no villain. What are the next chapters going to be about?
Chapter 23: Bella Thinks About Things
Chapter 24: Bella Describes What It's Like To Think About Things As a Vampire
Chapter 25: Bella Learns What It Feels Like To Wear a Hat As a Vampire
Chapter 26: Bella Touches Carpet For The First Time As a Vampire
Chapter 27: Bella Thinks About the Moon and Uses the Word "Yearning" For the First
Time as a Vampire
Chapter 28: Emmett in Space
Chapter 29: Bella Looks at a Flower
Chapter 30: Bella Looks at a Flower, Again
Chapter 31: Bella Wants Something
Chapter 32: Bella Gets Something
Chapter 33: Twenty Pages Of Blank Space For The Reader to Draw Various Bears
Chapter 34: Bella Thinks About Watching American Idol for the First Time as a
Vampire
Chapter 35: Everyone Chuckles
Chapter 36: No One Dies
Chapter 37: Bella Explains What It Feels Like to Smell Raspberries as a Vampire
Chapter 38: Bella Sits
Chapter 39: Bella Reads Her Own Book and Dan Realizes His Life Is In A Hellish Loop
Of Pain, All Because He Once Stole A Pack Of Gum from the Store When He Was 10
As they approach the house so Bella can finally see her baby, Bella leaps over the lake,
and expects to hear Edward land by her side, but instead senses danger and heartbeats.
Wolf heartbeats! Clam down. Nothing happens. Human Jacob, accompanied by Wolf
Leah and Wolf Seth, block Bella from going into the house.
Edward doesn't do a thing, and we learn that Jacob is testing Bella to see if she can
control her rage and bloodlust. If she doesn't attack Jacob, then she can probably see her
baby without wanting to eat it. It's an interesting experiment, and by "interesting," I mean
"completely and utterly ridiculous."
Vampires hate the smell and taste of werewolves. Offering himself is like conducting a
similar experiment on a hungry kid and saying, "Well, the kid didn't eat the broccoli
covered in cat urine, so I think the plate of jelly donuts is safe."
Though she's thirsty for blood, and the sound of heartbeats is appetizing, one whiff of
werewolf stank is enough for Bella to lose her hunger. Her disgusted response makes
Emmett laugh.
Emmett's there? Hi, Emmett! Hey, Emmett, which star are you going to look at in
tonight's sky? Let me know, because I want to look at it at the same time. Even though
we're on opposite sides of the country, we can still be star-buddies, right? I wrote a song
about it. It's similar to that other song about looking at the sky, and the lyrics are the
same, but I call my song, "Star Buddies (Soaring To Space on the Friend-Ship)."
After passing this silly test, Bella is allowed to see her baby. She's nervous, but all the
vampires and werewolves are there to make sure she doesn't devour Optimus Beyonce.
Rosalie is holding the baby when Bella first locks eyes on the world's most perfect being.
She describes Optimus Beyonce in her typical flowery speech, likening her to goddesses
and dreams and all that crap. She notices how large Optimus has become, but just like
everyone else in the book, she doesn’t see this as cause for alarm.
What?!
In a few days, the baby may be stricken with osteoporosis. She will have gray hair. Her
perfect skin will become wrinkled and covered with liver spots. She will have arthritis,
and complain about the cold when it's 60 degrees outside. She will wear a plastic granny
hood when it rains to keep her grandma-hair in check. She will carry a purse filled with
gross hard candies and dusty tissues. For baby's first Christmas, you can get her a chair
for the shower, some hearing aid batteries, and a gift card to The Home Shopping
Network. (Old people love The Home Shopping Network more than they love their ratty,
slip-on shoes.)
Babies shouldn't grow this fast. It's not healthy. There's something wrong with your baby!
Bella remarks that the baby's heart beats faster than normal. Do you know what else has a
faster heartbeat that that of a human? Dogs. And do you know how long dogs live? 15
years, if you're lucky. This poor kid doesn't need to be held out over a mountain cliff like
the Lion King and praised. She needs medical help. There's something wrong with your
baby!
Bella loves her diseased, soon-to-be-dead offspring. Everything about her is wonderful,
and the fact that she's growing up fast makes Bella and Edward double-happy. How fast
is she growing? During the course of this chapter, Optimus completes middle school and
plays the harp at a 10th grade level. She also has articulate thoughts regarding the global
economy and appreciates the early work of the Coen brothers.
Even the child's odor is a perfect mix of Edward and Bella. Bella says, "Renesmee's
fragrance was perfectly balanced right on the line between the scent of the most beautiful
perfume and the scent of the most delicious food."
I've smelled babies. Most of them smell vaguely of urine and feces, and those that don't,
smellstrongly of urine and feces. But not Optimus. She's so perfect that her laughter cures
sunburn and her vomit tastes like cherry pie filling. Her breath will make a simple
housefly turn into a delicious, majestic eagle. Her hair can be used as a clean energy
source. Her saliva can give a homeless man a second chance.
I hate this kid.
I've asked this before, but if the baby drinks blood like a vampire, and smells delicious,
aren't Mom and Dad worried she will eat her own body? Sucking your thumb takes on a
whole new meaning. This kid has many, many issues.
The other vampires aren't sure how Bella will react when she gets closer to the baby.
Edward, ever the jokester, notices their fear and says Bella found some unlucky hikers
during their hunt, implying that she killed them.
The others are stunned that Edward let Bella get so close to innocent people. The two
paragraphs that follow are hilarious. Go to page 440 and read the last two paragraphs on
the page. Before Edward can reveal the joke, Bella describes how each vampire reacted
with descriptions such as, "Emmett shrugged," and "Esme gasped." I wanted her
descriptions to keep going to draw out the tension in this horribly wordy, melodramatic
scene, such as:
Esme grunted. Alice made soup. Carlisle dressed up as a penguin. Jacob thought about
candy. Jasper tried to make shadow puppets. Emmett did a handstand. Rosalie pretended
to be a chicken. Edward downloaded "Whip My Hair." Seth knitted a scarf. Charlie
played the saxophone as Angela bought an egg. Jessica went to the zoo. E-rock wept.
Mike Newton mocked a squirrel. Tyler drove a van. Conner rehearsed his one-man show.
Ben watched Avatar.
Once all the characters react, Edward tells them he was joking: Bella didn't attack the
hikers at all. In fact, she was a good girl and ran away from their delicious human blood.
Bella admits that she did bare her teeth and growl at Edward, and Emmett is impressed.
Then the baby cries, and everyone freaks out. Jacob rushes in and takes the baby. Bella
says, "Renesmee went to Jacob willingly enough, pushing her tiny hand against his
cheek."
Not only was the baby's first word a murmur, but she's also a face-toucher. I don't like
this kid, and if she came trick-or-treating to my house, she'd wouldn't get candy, but some
heavy batteries to weigh down her stupid pumpkin pail.
Once in Jacob's arms, the baby tries to get a better look at Bella. Again, everyone is
nervous about Bella being this close to the baby. The scene drags on and on. Finally the
baby looks up at Bella and smiles, showing her teeth. Yes, the two-day-old baby has a
full set of teeth. You should start hugging her now, Bella, because your super child only
has a few days left before it will die of old age.
Optimus Beyonce touches Bella and then the book becomes so confusing and mind-
bending that reading it will make your nose bleed and you will begin to taste numbers.
I read this part several times, and here's what I think happened. The baby has a super
power (duh), and when she touches someone, that person can see what the baby is
thinking. When she touched Bella, Bella saw a vision of herself moments after giving
birth. This means the baby remembers Bella from the day it was born, and acknowledges
that she is "mommy." Yep. That makes sense.
It takes a few pages of crazy sentences to sort this out. Sentences such as, "My memory
face was twisted, ravaged, covered in sweat and blood." Don't you hate when your
memory face gets twisted? This is why I keep my memory face in the freezer until I'm
ready to use it. That keeps it nice and firm.
How can this baby remember being born, and have the cognitive capacity to link this
moment with her mother? Edward can't explain Optimus' ability to be super smart, but
answers the question with more questions, asking, "How do I hear thoughts? How does
Alice see the future?"
Edward would make a lousy dentist.
PATIENT: My tooth hurts when I eat cold things. What could be the cause?
EDWARD: I don't know. How do airplanes work? What makes bridges so strong? How
do elevators fly? It's all a mystery. Here, I wrote a lullaby about it…
Jacob thinks Bella has seen enough of the baby and doesn’t want to push things. Bella,
still in the dark about Jacob's love life, is angry that he being a total jerk. And then she
puts it all together and realizes that Jacob is dating her daughter (who, during the course
of this chapter, has probably learned to drive and landed a part-time job working at Foot
Locker).
She screams and yells at Jacob for imprinting on her baby. Jacob tries to defend himself,
saying it was beyond his control, but Bella isn't listening to reason. Strike that. Bella, for
the first time in this entire series, is listening to reason, and doesn’t want her child dating
a baby-dater.
Bella chases Jacob around the house. When she gains some composure, she tells Jacob to
leave before she rips his throat out. Then Jacob says, "C'mon Bells! Nessie likes me, too."
Yep, Jacob's nickname for the baby is Nessie.
Bella was going to let Jacob go, despite the fact that he is dating her two-day-old baby
(who by this point in the chapter is probably already retired and living in Florida). But
what really sends her over the edge is that she hates Jacob's nickname for the baby.
I kind of like it, if only because Bella hates it. Upset that Jacob would name her child
after the Loch Ness Monster, Bella leaps for his throat and the chapter ends. If she gets
that angry with Jacob, she's going to hate me for calling her baby "Dumb Face Idiot
Turd."
Prediction:
Bella, Edward, and Optimus Beyonce have some quiet family time to bond.
BELLA: Isn't it great that our child is growing up fast?
EDWARD: Ten minutes ago she couldn't even walk, and now she's teaching yoga at her
community center. It's wonderful.
BELLA: Do you worry that her rapid growth will cause her to die in a year?
EDWARD: You're such an idiot, lamb. She won't die.
BELLA: Why not?
EDWARD: Because [loud airplane flies overhead, making it impossible to hear Edward
clearly]
BELLA: So you're saying that the secret cave [deafening lawnmower drowns out Bella's
voice] and the monkey heart will [fireworks obscure Bella's voice] with the potion
concocted by the great wizard Todd?
EDWARD: Exactly. Now, let's [a loud cloud overhead drowns out Edward's voice] with
our bodies!
QUIL: My girlfriend lacks the coordination needed to manage a helium balloon unless I
tie it to her wrist or belt loop.
JACOB: My girlfriend can properly use the word "dignify" in a sentence.
QUIL: Shut up. No on cares, Jacob. No one!
OPTIMUS: Lover, I was wondering if perhaps you could take me to the cinemas this
afternoon. I'm just dying to see the new documentary about our failing education system.
CLAIRE: Chicken nuggets!
OPTIMUS: Indeed, Claire. Chicken nuggets, indeed.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 23
Chapter Twenty-Three:
Memories
Better Title: Make It Stop
We learn that Baby

Optimus loves to bite
Jacob and...
Enough! If this book
doesn't develop a plot
soon, I will eat my own
teeth!
If you're wondering why I'm in a particularly cranky mood, it's because the last chapter
ended with a hint of action as Bella lunged for Jacob's throat. I foolishly believed this
chapter would open with the continuation of this action. Ha. Boy, was I wrong. So I
drove out to my Thinking Lake for a few days. However, I was so worried about having
to eat my own teeth after making that bold ultimatum, that even my Thinking Lake
couldn't calm me down.
Instead of describing Bella's tussle with Jacob, the chapter starts about fifteen minutes
after the battle. That's right, folks. We don't see what happened. Bella tells us what
happened, and does a lousy job of it. If Bella went to a karate tournament, and was asked
to do play-by-play commentary, she would remain silent for an hour and then say, "Some
people did karate and I watched it."
There are so many reasons to hate Bella Swan, from her bratty behavior to her
dependence on others. But her decision to describe some things in wordy detail, such as
magnets and skin, and then practically ignore an epic vampire/werewolf fight, is
infuriating. If she witnessed a pterodactyl attacking an F-16, she would describe it thusly:
"The clouds floated wordlessly by on winds of questions. Change was in the air. To love
a friend meant having to hurt him in the process. Was it worth it, I murmured, thinking of
my life before the cold cloak of death became my new clothes. My wardrobe, now a
drobe of war. Above me, some lizard-bird did something to an airplane, but I was far too
concerned with the skin of my lover to possibly be entertained by the antics of mere dino-
fowl and jets. Magnets cannot be tamed in a world where things that are not love can
exist on the face of angels."
From what little Bella reveals of her battle with Jacob, we learn that Seth stepped in and
blocked Bella's blow. Bella accidentally broke Seth's arm in the process, and the fight
immediately ended as Bella tried to apologize. It wasn't a great fight, but it was a clash
nonetheless, and I'm double-pissed that we didn't get to witness the carnage.
Bella seems sorry for what she's done, but everyone tells her not to worry about it
because it's only natural for a newborn vampire to lash out. I bet Bella could set fire to all
of Canada, and the Cullens would say, "Oh, silly Bella, don't feel bad. It's not your fault.
It's very difficult being a new vampire. We can always adopt a new Canada from the
pound. Now let's buy you your own planet and some new boots!"
Bella is still angry that Jacob is dating her daughter, but the anger has dulled a little
because of no real reason whatsoever other than "it's convenient." Speaking of
convenient, we learn a bit more about Optimus "Nessie" Beyonce. Here's a quick
rundown:
1. She's not venomous. I was under the impression that vampire venom caused all manner
of vampire super powers. Since Optimus has no venom, her super powers must come
from someplace else, like Double Heaven, North Dakota, or Underground Dakota.
2. Her growth is slowing. For one whole sentence, Bella worries that the baby's rapid
development will be a problem. But Carlisle is measuring Optimus every four hours, and
it seems that the growth spurt is slowing down, much like this book. Why would a baby
mature rapidly for a few months and then suddenly age normally? Don't be stupid. That
question is so idiotic that I will not even dignify it with an answer.
3. Optimus drinks human blood. We knew this already, but the more I think about it, the
more it doesn't make sense. The baby must have blood breath, so why isn't Bella going
crazy for the sweet, sweet taste of people-juice? And why is Jasper not destroying the
entire town out of frustration? He must feel like a fat guy trying to diet while his niece
walks around eating bacon burgers covered in macaroni and cheese. And if it's OK for
Optimus to booze it up on human blood, why can't Jasper have some? I must have said
this a hundred times since I started this blog, but why can't the Cullens get human blood
from legitimate places, like blood banks and that van parked out by the abandoned
warehouse?
4. She likes Jacob because his blood tastes good. Whenever they try to feed Optimus, she
bites, and she has a fondness for Jacob's flavor. Edward says it's only because Jacob
tastes better than the vampires. But if Optimus is half vampire/half human, and vampires
hate, hate, hate werewolf blood, then that means humans love werewolf blood. Right?
RIGHT? Why won't you answer me? Why can't I stop crying?
After the scuffle, Jacob and Rose took the baby outside, while Bella learned what she
missed during the past few days. Remember the coming war between Sam's werewolves
and the Cullens? Go ahead and forget all about that. The previous 189 chapters regarding
this rivalry were utterly pointless because now Sam and his gang are nice and friendly.
It's as if The Lord of the Rings ended with Frodo saying, "You know what, Sauron? If
you promise not to use the ring for evil, I'll give it back. But you have to really promise to
be nice. Pinky swear, even! No foolin'!"
Since Jacob imprinted on Optimus, the other werewolves can't kill her. It goes against
werewolf culture. Sam and Jacob smoothed things out, again all off screen, and now the
only problem in the life of Bella Swan is how to spend her millions of unearned dollars
and to decide which flamboyant word to use to describe Edward. (May I suggest
"pulchritudinous"? It's the only word she hasn't murmured yet.)
Seth explains all of this to Bella, but the werewolf boy is tired and eventually falls asleep.
Bella, who is sitting on the couch with Seth says, "I got up; the motion didn't jostle the
couch in the slightest. Everything physical was so easy." I can get up from a couch too,
Bella, but the difference between you and me is that I don't feel the need to tell people
about my ability to stand up from a seated position.
Bella thinks about her dad. She will need to fake her own death and leave town. The
thought of taking Optimus and fleeing isn't all the bad in Bella's mind, since it would
mean taking her baby away from baby-dater Jacob. She wonders what would happen if
Jacob were separated from Optimus. I doubt it would end well. Jacob would eventually
find her, and if he didn't, he would probably try to take a unfertilized egg to the prom.
By the way, is Jacob still in school? What is he going to do with the rest of his life? He
needs an education. He's fine right now, because his girlfriend can get into most zoos and
movies for free, but Jake needs to make a life for himself. "Patrol Running" doesn’t pay
very well, especially in these tough economic times. Perhaps he can open a day
care/nightclub with Quil and call it "Tots-N-Shots." (Yeah, even I felt icky about that last
sentence.)
Jasper is a bit jealous of Bella. He has such a hard time controlling his hunger, and yet
Bella seems fit as a fiddle, a saying I don't understand. Instead, let's say Bella is as fit as a
Michael Phelps. Upset with himself for being such a whiny loser, Jasper runs away…for
about three minutes. He comes back five paragraph later. Talk about being an attention
hog. I bet Esme is going to have make a big deal about something Jasper has done, just to
make sure he doesn't have a tantrum.
JASPER: I folded my laundry all by myself!
ESME: Oh my heavens, Jasper! Look at you! You're such a brave boy!
JASPER: And I even put them away in the drawers and everything!
ESME: Well, I'm going out to the store to buy you some Hot Wheels!
JASPER: Sweet!
EMMETT: Hey Ass-per, I'm going to use your room to make out with Rosalie because
my room smells like diesel fuel and hatchet metal.
JASPER: Nu-uh! Not fair! I need my room to practice my one act play, "Scar-y Scar-y
Night."
EMMETT: Out of the way, brother.
JASPER: I'll move sideways! So help me God, I'll do it!
EMMETT: Shut up.
JASPER: You're just jealous because I have scars. Scars make me special and unique!
EMMETT: Yeah. That must be it.
JASPER: Mom! Emmett is making fun of my scars!
QUIL: My girlfriend is crying in the other room. She just found out that there's a
skeleton inside her body. She's afraid of skeletons.
Everyone is impressed with Bella's self-control, and Carlisle thinks willpower must be
Bella's super ability, like Edward's ability to read minds and Esme's ability to do nothing
worthwhile with her life. This leads to a confusing conversation about three vampires I
have no memory of: Siobhan, Maggie, and Liam. Did we already learn about these
vamps? I don't care enough to look them up. If they were mentioned in the first half of
this book, I won't be able to read it anyway, because those pages are smeared with my
anger-tears (eye-water).
Carlisle says Siobhan's super power was the ability to do whatever the hell she wanted. I
swear, that's what Carlisle says. Her super power was the ability to will something into
existence. Siobhan wanted the vampire Maggie to stick around with her and Liam, and,
POOF, Maggie did, all because Siobhan wanted it. Dr. Cullen theorizes that Bella has a
similar power. She's not acting like a typical newborn vampire because Bella decided not
to be a typical newborn vampire.
That thud you heard was my brain trying to make a run for it and slamming into my skull.
Also, you may hear soft weeping. I'm still crying.
The power to will things into being? That's Bella's super power? So if Bella wanted to,
say, fold a bowling ball in half, she could? If Bella wanted to make an elephant lay an
egg, she could do that too? If Bella wanted to eat a helicopter, that would be no problem
because she has the special power to do whatever the hell she want?
Yep, that makes sense. (Sarcasm hand is raised so high that I made a shadow puppet on
the face of Neptune.)
Vampire super powers are based on abilities you had as a human. Alice was perceptive as
a human, and as such, these powers were amplified after she changed into a vampire. So
what natural characteristic did Bella have prior to being a vampire? Oh, that's right. She
got everything she damn wanted all the damn time. This does make sense. Of course!
The conversation about Siobhan is so strange and complicated that even Bella tunes out
as she is allowed to once again hold Optimus. The 2-day-old baby touches Bella and
communicates using her mind thoughts. (Remember, Optimus can shove her thoughts
into someone simply by touching them.) Exactly how can this super power be helpful
once Optimus learns to speak?
BELLA: What would you like for lunch, my little Optimus?
OPTIMUS: …
BELLA: Tell mommy what you want.
OPTIMUS: Let me slap your face.
BELLA: Can't you just tell me?
OPTIMUS: No! Let me touch your face! I can use my powers!
BELLA: But it would be easier if…Fine. Whatever. [Optimus slaps Bella's face]
BELLA: Ouch! And I think we're out of mailman blood. How about some Honey Nut
Cheerios? [Optimus slaps Bella again]
BELLA: Now why did you just spoil last night's episode of Skating With the Stars? You
know mommy hasn't seen it yet!
OPTIMUS: Shut up, lady. I'm going to spend the night in Jacob's room, where he will
kiss me on the mouth…in a protective, friendly sort of way.
As Bella and Optimus chit-chat using mind thoughts, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett return to
the house. Emmett's here! Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, did you hear about Bella? If she
wants to drink the entire ocean, she can. It's her super power. It's sensible. Emmett, if you
can hear me, I beg you to run out of the book and into any other book you can find. I'm
going to hold my copy of Breaking Dawn against my copy of Jurassic Park. Simply leap
across. You can do it, Emmett. I have faith. On the count of three! One! Two! THREE!
Run, Emmett! Run to the land of dinosaurs theme parks!
It didn't work.
The giggly Alice reminds us all that today is Bella's birthday. Even Bella forgot. As a
gift, Alice gives Bella a key that I'm sure unlocks a treasure chest filled with ponies,
treasure, a jet ski, a billion dollars, and a gallon of pure leprechaun blood.
Prediction:
20 years later, after Jacob and Optimus are married…
EDWARD: Jacob, did you put gas in the car?
JACOB: Get off my back, Dad.
EDWARD: Son, if you're going to live with my daughter in my house, you must follow
my rules.
JACOB: I don't need your house. Optimus and I are totally going to get a place of our
own.
EDWARD: Did you even look for a job today?
JACOB: I told you. I can't get a job if I want to work on my music. My music is my job.
EDWARD: Bella and I can't support you forever, you know. Maybe you should go back
to school.
JACOB: Maybe you should shut the hell up, old man. You're going to be so sorry when
my band, Wolf-mageddon, gets famous.
CLAIRE: My husband thinks it's sexy when I sit in a booster seat.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 24
Surprise
Better Title: Oh My God! I
Hate Everything About This
Book! I Want To Kill It With
Rocks! AGH!
Bella gets a house,

completely disregards
her 3-day-old baby, and
has magical sex with Edward. Goodbye!
[At this point, Dan drove to the Thinking Lake, and sat on the bench for several hours as
he rocked back and forth, whispering, "Emmett is coming. Emmett is coming." Dan's 8-
year-old cousin Wendy was kind enough to finish the blog for him.]
Hiya! I'm Wendy! I'm 8! I can do a handstand! Dan is my cousin! He isn't here right now
because he went to the lake to whisper. He's been doing that more and more lately. I don't
want him to get fired, so I'll finish writing his blog. My dog has diabetes and we need to
give him shots!
I read this book all by myself! It was easy because the words are easy and there is a lot of
blank pages. This is a good chapter. This chapter is good because it's about Bella. Bella is
a lady who is in this chapter and she is a vampire.
Bella is a nice lady. She is nice because she is married to a man named Edward. Edward
is a vampire too. Bella is happy because her family gives her a house in the forest. Bella
likes the house. I like the house too because it's nice and good. I would like a house for
my birthday. Houses are good.
Bella gets a house because she is a nice person. Bella gets a lot of things. She gets nice
clothes and sports cars and love. Bella should get all these things because she is kind to
others and she is a good role model for me and my friend Bethany. Bethany's cat died
when it got run over. Now Bethany has a new cat that is better because it stays inside the
house. Bethany can't have peanuts.
One of the people in this chapter is Alice. Alice is good because she is a nice vampire and
not scary. Alice can see into the future and knows what is going to happen. That makes
sense to me 100%. Alice gives Bella the key to the house and then they take her to the
house and then Bella sees the house and then Bella likes the house.
The house has a room for Bella's baby. Bella has a baby. Her baby is nice. Her baby is
named Renesmee which is a good name. Her baby isn't in this chapter because Bella is
busy looking at a house. Bella spends the whole night in the house hugging Edward,
away from her baby, and I think that's OK because I'm only 8 and have no concept of
parental responsibility. Bella is a good mommy. Bethany's mom lets us drink soda!
I don't know why Bella needs a house in Forks, WA. I thought she had to move soon
because her daddy cannot find out she's a vampire and so she was going to fly to Alaska
and live there. But I'm only 8, so it stands to reason that I find this confusing. I'm sure the
book makes sense because it was written by a smart lady who is a writer. I want to be a
writer too. I want to be a writer and a vet! If I get a rabbit for Christmas I'm going to
name her Renesmee or Toilet! Hahahahahahahaha! Toilet! Hahahahaha! That is very
funny. Toilet is a funny name.
Can I have a soda if I finish this blog? Can I have one now? I already opened one. Is that
OK? Are you mad? Want to see how high I can jump? I can jump really high! So can the
vampires because they are great. Dogs can have puppies and sometimes the mommy dog
will eat the baby puppy because of nature.
Bella's new house has a giant closet filled with clothes that Alice bought. She doesn't
want to look at the closet because Edward is very pretty and she wants to see his naked
parts. Hahahahaha!
Bella is sad because she forgot to look at the closet and see the new clothes that Alice
got. So Edward says they will lie and tell Alice that Bella did see the clothes in the closet.
Since Alice can see the future, I'm not sure how this plan would work. Wouldn't Alice
already know that Bella didn't even look at the pretty new clothes? What do I know? I'm
only 8!
My birthday is March and I'm having a sleepover and I'm getting a turtle!
I'm bored with this. Can I be done now? Writing is hard because the words are hard. Can
I have another soda? I'm going outside to kick trees. I'm good at it!
[Wendy leaves, and Dan returns from the Thinking Lake.]
Thanks, Wendy.
Sorry about that, guys. I just had to do some thinking and get my mind in order. I hope
Wendy wasn't too much of a pain. Did she have soda? She's not suppose to have soda!
Why is she outside kicking trees? Eh…whatever.
I think Wendy covered most of this chapter. Bella is given a new house for her birthday,
and then has sex with Edward inside the house while her baby is nowhere to be found.
That's all that happens. Bella gets everything she ever wanted and more, which I think
would be a better title for this book.
The sex scene is intense, or at least it's intense for a Twilight book. There's no graphic
detail, but it seems as though it was a wild, wild night. Now that Bella is super strong and
Edward no longer needs to restrain himself, their special hugs have gotten much more
involved. Bella says, "We didn't have to catch our breath or rest or eat or even use the
bathroom."
That's not true. Well, not completely true. Vampires need to eat. In fact, Bella should be
hunting for blood right now instead of sexing it up with her hubby. I know Carlisle told
us that Bella's super power has suppressed her need for blood, but surely after a night of
bed-breaking hugs, the girl is going to be a tad peckish.
And why don't vampires need to use the bathroom? Where does the blood go? And how
can Edward…um…(giggle). Nevermind.
Bella can't believe that special hugs feel even better after she became a vampire. All this
time she was worried that becoming a vampire meant sex would be strange and cold. She
was wrong. Now, not only does Bella get a house, new cars, a new wardrobe, the man of
her dreams, all the money in the world, super powers, immortality, and gorgeous good
looks, but her special hugs feel Double Great. And she gets to live near her family. So
what did she give up? What sacrifice did she offer in exchange for a perfect life? Well,
she can't sleep anymore or eat apples. That sucks, I guess. She's a modern day Joan of
Arc.
Bella is worried that she has become addicted to special hugs, and asks Edward if the
constant craving for naked-time is a normal part of the vampire process. He says that
every new vampire couple goes through a hot-and-heavy passionate stage. Emmett and
Rosalie's "honeymoon" lasted for ten years. Ten years!? Way to go, Emmett!
According to Edward, after a while the passion cools down slightly, but vampires are still
sexual beings. Bella never witnessed this side of vampire life because she's usually
snoozing when Alice and Jasper, and Emmett and Rosalie are hugging.
For the past 100 years, Edward has used the nighttime to study instead of having special
hugs. This explains why he's so smart. I feel bad for the guy. 100 years is a long time to
go without hugs, and all the algebra in the world can't replace special hugs. But then I
remember that Edward is an obsessive creep, and I laugh at him.
The chapter ends with Bella and Edward going at it once again. Meanwhile, miles away,
the parentless Renesmee is probably learning the hard way that electric outlets taste bad.
Prediction:
Alice has more presents for Bella.
ALICE: Happy birthday, Bella! Here's your present!
BELLA: It's a key. What is the key for?
ALICE: It's for the ocean. I'm giving you the entire ocean.
BELLA: Great, but what good is an ocean if you don't have an aircraft carrier?
ALICE: Ta-da! [Give Bella another key]
BELLA: Is this the key to an aircraft carrier?
ALICE: Yep! It's purple, I hope that's OK. I painted it myself!
BELLA: I'm sure it's wonderful, but…
ALICE: What's wrong? Why are you so sad?
BELLA: I've always wanted a signed copy of The Catcher in the Rye and a bottle of
Michelangelo's tears. I like the ocean and all, it's just that…
ALICE: [Presents Bella with a third key] Here ya go, silly billy!
BELLA: Is this the key to a locked chest that houses a signed copy of The Catcher in the
Rye and a bottle of Michelangelo's tears?!
ALICE: Of course, goofus! I painted the book purple. I hope that's OK.
BELLA: Wow! You're too kind, Alice. But I didn't forget about you. [Hands Alice an
envelope]. Happy birthday, A-Dawg!
ALICE: Oh my heavens! You shouldn't have! [Opens envelope.] Um…
BELLA: It's a $15 gift card to The Olive Garden.
ALICE: Oh. That's…neat. Was this by any chance owned by Meryl Streep or maybe
Picasso?
BELLA: No.
ALICE: You know I don't eat people food, right?
BELLA: They have unlimited salad and breadsticks!!!
QUIL: My girlfriend didn't want to go out tonight, so instead she stayed home and got
dizzy. She loves to get dizzy. She's really good at it. And it's cheaper than a movie.
JACOB: My girlfriend, who is 72 hours old, finds the work of Julie Taymor ostentatious.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 25
Chapter Twenty-Five:
Favor
Better Title: Papa Don't
Preach! Oh…You're Not
Preaching At All? You're
Just Going To Let This
Happen? Thanks, Papa!
Behold. The first four

paragraphs/sentences of
this chapter:
It was only a little while later that Edward reminded me of my priorities.
It took him just one word.
"Renesmee…"
I sighed.
And I laughed.
She sighed? She sighed as if her baby is a burden—a three-day-old burden! On the very
next page, Bella looks toward the Cullen house and then back at naked Edward, and
honestly can't decide if she'd rather see her daughter or have sex with Edward.
Bella, sweetie, you're not choosing between eating dessert and eating vegetables dipped
in cough medicine. She's your daughter! The daughter that you were willing to die for.
Remember that? I remember that. I remember it because you wouldn't shut up about it for
799,999,999 pages.
Deep breath. Deep breath. Think about Christmas. Deep breath.
Reluctantly, Bella decides to go visit her baby. She races Edward to the house, and once
there, they see the other vampires watching Optimus Beyonce as she bends and twists
Esme's good silverware. For any parents-to-be out there, or babysitters, let me take this
opportunity to say that giving a baby silverware is always a wonderful thing to do.
(Sarcasm finger.)
The Cullens have more money than Bill Gates and Ebenezer Scrooge combined, so why
haven't they bought Optimus some appropriate and durable baby toys? Because vampires
have chromosomes, Bella loves Edward, and the baby is super perfect. Too perfect for
toys. Besides, why do the Cullens need "good" silverware anyway? Hosting a lot of fancy
dinner parties, are they? Last I checked, they have no friends and no life outside of Bella-
World.
Once the pretty demon spots her mommy, Optimus coos and cackles, straining to get into
Bella's arm as fast as possible. She touches Bella's face and sends her a mind-thought that
says, "I need food." I pity all the regular babies in the world who go hungry because they
cannot communicate via touchy-feely super powers. It's a wonder we all didn't starve as
infants.
Edward goes to the kitchen to get some human blood from Mike Newton's corpse. Just
kidding. They still haven't explained where the blood is coming from, or why it's OK for
a baby to drink human blood, but if Jasper so much as licked Human Bella's bloody
gums, he would have been severely punished and chastised. And just because a baby
wants something, that doesn’t mean it should always get it. Babies aren't Bellas.
If I were in the Cullen family, I would slap Bella and say, "I want ice cream sandwiches."
They should be more strict with Optimus and try giving her animal blood or some
Cheerios. She needs to learn that…oh my gosh! She's so cute and perfect! She is
amazing! She can have everything she wants! What was I saying? Sorry, I'm busying
getting her face tattooed on my face so that I can be as pretty as this perfect, wondrous
being.
The Cullens are all smiles and giggles because they know Bella and Edward had wild sex
last night. Emmett makes a few jokes about Bella and Edward's boring sex life, and Bella
doesn't like it. Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Poor thing.
Emmett is here? Hi, Emmett! Hey Emmett, I'm knitting you a sweater for Christmas.
Well, it's more of tank top, because I figured that sleeves would only hinder your Pain
Trains (a.k.a your arms). I wasn't sure of your measurements, so I'm making the sweater
Batman-sized. And I'm reworking the lyrics to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer to
incorporate your bad-assness. Here's what I got so far…
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer had a very shiny nose! (Like Emmett's sword!)
And if you ever saw it, you would even say it glowed. (Like Emmett's sword that's made
of fire!)
All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. (Like Monopoly!)
Wait…I think I messed up.
Noticing the lack of awesome in the room, Bella wonders where the wolves have gone.
Rose tells her that Jacob, Seth, and Leah ran off early in the morning. The family of
vampires then briefly discuss plans to move to the East Coast while Bella goes to college.
Alice butts in and says she can't see the future very clearly because Jacob is up to
something.
Stay with me, folks. This gets a little convoluted. You may want to stretch your logic
muscles before proceeding.
Edward reads Jacob's mind, and learns that Jake has told Bella's father the truth about
Bella. Well, not the whole truth. More on that later. Everyone panics. If Charlie finds out
about vampires, then the Volturi would destroy all of Forks, WA.
It's unclear how the Volturi would find out. Maybe they keep watching Esme's Twitter
feed, looking for clues.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Today I sat around the house and did nothing because my family's
entire life revolves around Bella.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Thinking about sofas.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Today I looked at a tree.
TheRealEsmeVamp: To pass the time, my family and I tried to count all the numbers.
Then we watched a desk for 6 hours.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Maybe I should buy string tomorrow.
TheRealEsmeVamp: Today I bought string.
TheRealEsmeVamp: OMG! Charlie knows about vampires! #VampiresIzReal
TheRealEsmeVamp: Waiting for the end of eternity while watching infomercials.
Jacob arrives with Leah and Seth. They can sense the tension inside the house. Jacob isn't
sure what the big deal is. Edward flips out…which means Edward thought about balling
his fingers into a fist, but then just whined like a emo kid who was told he can't have $30
to buy a new hoodie.
Jake tries to calm everyone down and says Charlie is on his way, but that this is going to
work out just fine. Jacob knew Bella would leave Washington soon, and that she would
take Optimus Beyonce with her. Jacob is in love with the baby for sensible reasons that I
unflinchingly support, so he's not about to let Bella leave. The only reason she was going
to move was because she couldn't be around Charlie. If Charlie knew of Bella's condition,
then she wouldn't have to leave, and Charlie could still be a part of Bella's life.
That makes sense. But not really. Why can't Jacob go with the Cullens? Why can't they
just turn Charlie into a vampire? What about Bella's mom? Why are there still 300 pages
in this book? If Charlie found out, why couldn't he keep it a secret? Why haven't the
Volturi showed up to check out Optimus Beyonce? Why doesn't Styrofoam taste like
vanilla?
The Cullens think Jacob is crazy for revealing the truth about vampires, but Jacob says he
played it smart. He didn’t tell Charlie that Bella was a vampire. Instead, he transformed
into a werewolf in front of Charlie. Then he turned back into a human and said (and I'm
paraphrasing here):
"Yo Charles, I'm a werewolf and there are other things in this world that are sort of like
werewolves. You don't know about it because you're dumb. Bella is fine, but now she's
different for a mysterious reason. She also has a baby…sort of. So, you cool with that,
Swan Dive? Dan Bergstein is a decent guy."
To which Charlie replies, "I understand. Don't tell me any more information. I'd rather
not know the whole story. Thanks. And yes, Dan Bergstein is a great dude who is
strong."
And the World's Best Father Award goes to…Charlie Swan. Runner-up is that dad who
shrunk his kids in that movie I think was titled, "The Kids Aren't Tall Anymore, Dear."
As chief of police, Charlie Swan should find out exactly what's going on in his town.
People have died in the last three books, and those attacks were committed by vampires
and/or giant wolves. It's his duty to protect the community from murder, so I'd expect a
bit more police work from Officer Swan.
As a father, Charlie Swan should shoot Jacob in the face with a shotgun, storm the Cullen
compound, and assassinate everyone inside in an effort to find out what happened to his
daughter.
As a character in a Twilight book, Charlie Swan does nothing and watches sports. He
probably also loves to explain magnets at great length.
I'm not exaggerating. He literally says, "I don't want to know everything," and three
minutes after seeing his new vampire daughter and his new granddaughter, he sits in front
of the TV and watches sports with Emmett and Jacob.
I'm getting ahead of myself. Before Charlie arrives, Esme and the rest of the vampires
teach Bella how to act human. She needs to breath, blink, and fidget just like a real
person. This scene is funny, and for the first time in this entire series, I think it was meant
to be funny. Wow! I'm impressed. Maybe these few paragraphs are my Christmas present
from Stephenie Meyer. If so, I hope she kept the receipt, because I'm taking them back
and getting a pogo stick.
The cover story is that Bella was sick and through mysterious supernatural powers, she
got better. No one mentions vampires, so the Volturi can't complain, and Bella can still
live in Forks and see her dad. It all works out so splendidly. They tell Charlie that
Optimus Beyonce is Edward's niece, and that her parents were killed in a car crash, so
Bella and Edward have adopted her.
And so this chapter ends with everyone being happy and wonderful. Now excuse me. I
need to leave before the pogo stick store closes. (I hope they have red!)
Predication:
We get a glimpse at Charlie's private diary.
Dear Diary,
Today I went to the store to buy corn. On the way back I saw a woman in a goofy hat.
This hat was really goofy. It had all this frilly crap on it. It was seriously the goofiest hat I
ever did see. That hat was so funny. Oh, and today I learned that my daughter is some
sort of mystery beast with godlike powers. She also has an adopted daughter who looks
very much like her. I had corn for dinner. I wonder if that woman knows how goofy her
hat looked. Hahaha…that hat was silly.
My friend Quil would like to write in this diary too, OK?
Hi, Diary. It's me, Quil. My girlfriend flushes crackers down the toilet to feed The Little
Mermaid. Bye, Diary.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 26
Chapter Twenty-Six:
Shiny
Better Title: …there are no
words for this.
How? Why? Who?

Where? If? When? But?
Why? Why? Why?
Why?
This can't happen. Not
again. How can a book hurt me so much? Why do words hold so much power? I don't
care that it's freezing outside. I just want to be able to feel…something. Thinking Lake,
here I come. Before going into the bitter cold, I should explain my depressed mood and
tear-stained cheeks, neck, chest, and legs.
First, the good news: Emmett has more to do in this chapter than he does in the entire
book series, and unlike Emmett's previous adventures, we actually get to see the mighty
vampire in action.
Now, the bad news: He loses an arm wrestling match…to Bella.
Now, the worse news: The book doesn't end.
The chapter begins with Charlie still reeling from the news that his daughter is a mystery
beast. And by "reeling," I mean he's watching a lot of TV. He says they should keep
Bella's supernatural state a secret from Bella's mom, but aside from that observation, he's
perfectly OK with his daughter's monster makeover. He doesn't know she's a vampire,
but assumes she has some unnamed, unworldly power.
I wonder what Charlie thinks happened to Bella if he doesn’t know she's a vampire. What
could make her pretty and magical? Here are a few theories that I bet are running through
Charlie's mind:
Bella ate a leprechaun.
Bella is a mermaid with robot legs.
Bella is dragon wearing a Bella costume.
Bella is really a figment of his imagination, Fight Club-style.
Bella is using new makeup that made her pretty and super-pregnant.
Bella was struck by lightning while making microwave popcorn.
Bella went through Second Puberty.
He once again reminds Bella that he doesn't want to know the whole story. And it's a
good thing, too. Now Bella and her dad can hang out without worrying about the Volturi.
Speaking of the Volturi, do they ever show up to check on Bella? Wasn't that part of the
plan from way back in New Moon? Where are they? Did they stop to get Slurpees?
Charlie is late for dinner at Sue Clearwater's house, but he still wants to hold Optimus
Beyonce. Bella isn't sure if this is a good idea because Optimus might eat him. The baby
might also slap him in the face and send a Mind Thought into his brain, which would
most likely freak Charlie out to the point where he throws the baby through the window
and runs away screaming, "Devil child!" Of course, no one worries about that but me. I
worry too much.
Charlie is immediately in love with the baby. No, not in the sensible and normal way that
Jacob loves her. Charles is a proud grandfather, and says the baby is even more beautiful
than Bella was as a child. Bella tells her dad that Optimus Beyonce's middle name is
"Carlie," a combination of Charlie and Carlisle. Good thing the grandfathers weren't
named Fred and Duck, or Rich and Bbbb.
After Charlie leaves, Bella is thrilled with herself for not eating her own dad. She
practically demands a trophy for her effort and the rest of the vampires agree she is the
very best thing to ever exist on the planet.
Emmett jokes, "I'm not even sure she's a vampire…She's too tame." Since Bella became a
vampire, Emmett has constantly mocked her lack of badass-ness. He also makes fun of
her sex life, saying that when he and Rose where in their honeymoon phase, they literally
destroyed houses with their special hugs. (Way to go, Emmett!) Bella has had enough
teasing, and hisses at The Pain Maker.
Edward eyes an opportunity for fun and taunts Emmett, telling his older brother to back
off, because as a newborn vampire, Bella is gifted with Ultra Strength. Emmett isn't
impressed. Following Edward's lead, Bella challenges Emmett to an arm wrestling match.
Because Esme doesn't want her good table demolished, Emmett and Bella head outside to
arm wrestle on a boulder.
I've read enough of Ms. Meyer's prose to know that she will always, always, always make
Bella the winner in every situation imaginable. If fifteen atomic bombs were dropped
directly on Bella's eyeball, all of the West Coast would be destroyed, including all nearby
vampires…except Bella. Bella is infallible, a being so perfect that uttering her name is
now considered a prayer by every major religion.
And so I knew she was going to win.
And it still pissed me off.
It's not even much of a fight. Emmett tries to use his great strength to overpower "Noodle
Arm" Swan, but it's no use. She's too strong. As Emmett struggles to move Bella's arm
even an inch, she takes time to think about passion and life and relationships. Even when
she's acting tough, Bella is a prissy emotional fool who shouldn't be given arms if she
doesn’t know how to use them. Finally, she grows bored with Emmett, and in the blink of
an eye smashes his arm into the stone so hard that the rock, and my heart, splits in two.
Emmett! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, I know you let Bella win. You had to do it. If you go
against what the evil Mistress Meyer decrees, than the author will banish you to a world
of ice and hate. It's not your fault. Look at me, damn it! It's not your fault! OK? Just wait
a few months. Bella's Ultra Strength will wear off by then and you can decapitate her
with your fire sword whilst screaming, "This is for Daaaaaaaaan!"
I still think you're great, Emmett. By the way, I know we agreed that the Christmas gifts
we bought each other should be less than $25, but I went over…by $4,000. Hope you like
serpents.
Some have asked why I admire Emmett out of all the vampires. He's not in the book that
much, and when he is, he's portrayed as a dumb jock. Part of the reason I like him is that
he's very, very, very strong. He's also the only vampire to suggest they go after the bad
guys, which he did way back in the first book. That's probably when my Emmett
admiration was born.
Throughout the books, he's been a background character—the Boba Fett of the Twilight
World. We know so little about him, and the mystery is what draws me in. Plus, in my
mind, he has two swords, and one of them is made of fire.
I don't want more Emmett in the book. Stephenie Meyer has shown us time and time
again that when she has the opportunity to focus on a character, she will inadvertently
ruin that character faster than you can say, "Jacob Black's girlfriend." This chapter proves
my point. So I'm glad that Emmett is never given the spotlight. Had he been involved in
more chapters, he would have developed into a whiny brat who breaks up with Rose to
marry an elderly lunch lady. And he would have pigtails, and instead of being strong he
would excel at geography.
Bella is so thrilled with her win over Emmett that she continues to smash the boulder to
bits. She's been holding back her true strength all this time, and it feels great to be able to
let loose.
Emmett, meanwhile, doesn't take the loss well. He stomps around, kicking rocks and
challenging Bella to a rematch. I don't like seeing you this way, Emmett, so I'm just going
to look away. Perhaps you should express yourself in a more creative way. To help
express myself, I wrote you this poem:
Mare of Night: The Defeat of Emmett Cullen

The darkness closes in
Like a blanket of hate.
Hear the North wind wail.
I weep for my 'Mett.
Life has wronged me.
Like the time someone told me Hot Tub Time Machine was amazing.
It wasn't that good.
It wasn't that good.
Ms. Meyer loves to wreck all the things I enjoy. I wouldn't be surprised if in the next
chapter, Batman shows up and Bella tickles the Dark Knight into submission before
making him eat dog food and wear a diaper.
I would like to list a few of the things I really, really enjoy so that Ms. Meyer will know
which things to ruin in the future. And I'm not just saying this to protect my real interests.
Dan Enjoys:
Poverty.
War.
Ke$ha.
Mushrooms.
People who snap their gum.
Bella.
The modern works of George Lucas.
The kid in third grade who pants-ed me during gym class.
The Progressive Insurance Lady.
Nicole Kidman.
Ants.
The way soap tastes.
Alice.
Most, if not all, American Idol contestants.
The family who rented I Am Legend from Netflix right before me and got the disc all
yucky and scratched.
Static electric shocks in the winter.
The thief who stole $2.55 in loose change from my car.
Oh boy. I sure hope Ms. Meyer doesn't go after any of those things. Yep, that would be
just awful. (Tee-hee.)
Bella hears Optimus Beyonce laugh, and the noise fills her with joy. According to
Edward, the baby loves to watch mommy smash things. Bella holds the destructive tot
and gives her a rock to break. When the baby can't smash the rock, Bella does it for her,
and the baby laughs.
Buy this kid some toys, you wealthy bastards!
The sun breaks through the sky, and Bella sparkles for the first time. She says, "I was
immediately lost in the beauty of my skin in the light of the sunset. Dazed by it." Just
when I thought Bella was too perfect, she goes and becomes 145% more perfect.
At this rate, by the end of the book she will no longer be of this world but will evolve into
her own galaxy called Bella-Verse. Inside Bella-Verse, all the planets will be populated
by ponies and babies, and mere mortals like us will never be able to visit such a grand
place. In fact, we shouldn't even think about Bella-Verse, for our feeble human brains
cannot possibly comprehend the majesty of that place which shall never be mentioned by
someone as unworthy as me again. I just hope She Who Is Not Un-Perfect will forgive
me for writing these words.
I hate Bella.
Prediction:
As Bella gives Robocop a Wet Willy, the director for the upcoming two-part Breaking
Dawn film has a few questions for Ms. Meyer.
DIRECTOR: So the first film will be everything up to and including the birth of the
baby, right?
MEYER: Correct, my darling. [Meyer caresses her pet jellyfish]
DIRECTOR: And then the second film will be…um…120 minutes of Bella just looking
at herself?
MEYER: Yes.
DIRECTOR: Hmm. The first part makes sense, because we can focus on Bella's
wedding, the honeymoon, the evil werewolves, and Jacob's emotional torment. Good
stuff. But when we get to Part 2, there's not much to work with. See what I'm saying? I
need more depth.
MEYER: You could make it 3-D! [Meyer strokes the fur of her evil pet giraffe]
DIRECTOR: Well, that doesn’t help matters. I was thinking, maybe we could have
Bella involved in some sort of danger. Maybe even throw in a circumstance or two. The
second half of this book needs some circumstances.
MEYER: Walk with me, Mr. Hollywood. I want to show you something…[Meyer leads
the director down a dark staircase] You are not the first to suggest I add in some plot to
my book.
DIRECTOR: [Nervous] Um…I really should be going.
MEYER: Nonsense. As I was saying, a few others have questioned my skills as a story-
smith. [Meyer opens up a dark room at the bottom of the stairs] And do you know what I
told them, Mr. Hollywood?
DIRECTOR: Um…no.
MEYER: I told them, "The vanishing sorrow of forever was improved upon the morn of
longing through the dark as I gazed triumphant."
DIRECTOR: I have no idea what that means.
MEYER: You'll have plenty of time to figure it out…as you're being digested by my pet
bear. Jac-ward, attack!
DIRECTOR: You named your bear Ja— [The bear eats the director]
QUIL: My girlfriend has no concept of verb tenses, so when she finds something, she
says, "I finded it."
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 27
Chapter Twenty-Seven:
Travel Plans
Better Title: Your Baby Is
Broken. Fix it.
The Twilight Before Christmas

'Twas days before Christmas, when all through the house
Dan was still stirring, like a caffeinated mouse.
He paced and he hollered, he yelped and he cried,
"This book makes no sense. I shall toss it outside!"
He marched down the stairs and out the front door.
He stomped through the yard, as if going to war.
Over the fence he did hop, then ran down the street.
He moved with such speed, you could not see his feet.
The cold wind was harsh and his feet filled with ache.
But he finally arrived at his great Thinking Lake.
He looked deep in the water and held the book high.
"I will drown you, you book. And then you will die!"
Then a wind gusted, as the branches did sway.
High up in the air was a man in a sleigh.
Dan lowered his arms, to see if it was true.
"Santa?! It's Santa! And the reindeer came too!"
The sled landed with grace right next to Dan.
Out jumped jolly Santa and a very small man.
"Are you an elf?" Dan asked the man with a smile.
"Duh," said the elf, as that was his style.
The elf took out his cell phone and played Angry Birds,
While Dan and St. Nick shared some deep words.
Santa looked at Dan's hands and said with a sigh,
"Is that the dear book that you wanted to die?"
Dan nodded his head and Santa did huff,
"It's just a book, Dan. Don't worry 'bout such stuff.
There are children without toys and books this year,
Be glad that a silly novel is your only fear."
Dan balled up his fists and yelled with great fury,
"You don't understand! It's about the Volturi!
This chapter is goofy, the plot ill-defined.
Bella's going to Italy? Alone? Agrh!" he whined.
"And what of the baby that is now older than me?
She can read, and talk, and her name is Renesmee!
Where did she learn to read English so well?
Did Pregnant Bella once eat a literacy spell?"
"The Volturi send a letter; they want to see Belly.
But where were they last month? Buying robes in New Delhi?
They congratulate Bella and Eddie for tying the knot.
They just happen to show interest when it fits the plot?"
"But they know not of Nessie and her magical way.
Bella fears they'll find out and then take her away.
So Bella will go alone to their evil castle in Eur-ope.
This plan makes as much sense as my idea for fur soap."
"Irina shows up in Forks; I don't know what she wants.
Bella sees the grumpy vamp during one of her hunts.
So on top of all of the recent Volturi crap,
We must deal with 'Rina too?" Dan continued his rap.
"I thought Irina was nice, one of Tanya's crew.
But…whatever. I don't care. I hate it. I'm through.
It took 500 pages to get to the story,
And I have a feeling it will not be very gory."
"The last pages will be dull, boring, and lame.
It will not end with war but will be super tame.
No one will die. No one will be hurt.
I'm guessing it ends with Emmett wearing a skirt."
"I hate this book, Santa. I hate it so much.
I can't stand its words, its smell, or its touch.
I will drown the book now, and then I will be freed!
AND HOW THE HELL DOES A BABY LEARN HOW TO READ?!?"
Santa looked at poor Dan as he cried on the ground.
He pitied the man and then gazed all around.
A lesson was to be learned on this fateful night.
Santa told Dan, "I shall grant you one wish to make everything right."
Dan sucked back his tears and looked up at the wizard.
The snow was falling hard, the start of a blizzard.
"One wish?" Dan said with a smile that was twisted.
"I wish that Twilight had never existed!"
Santa clapped his gloved hands and sparks sprang forth.
He was made of the pure magic found way up in the North.
"Your wish has been granted," Santa said joylessly.
"But you may not be as happy as you thought you'd be."
Dan laughed, sang, and danced with joy unbound.
But when he got home, he didn’t like what he found.
His Facebook page was empty, not a single friend.
And there were no comments on the articles he penned.
His life was less happy; it could be felt in the air.
He would write many things, but no one would care.
Without Twilight around to mock and to mangle,
Dan was as creative and funny as a 90-degree angle.
He wrote about wood, history, math, and such boring things.
He never pondered the taste of Pegasus wings.
"Would they taste like birds, or more like a horse?"
That's something only the old Dan could write, of course.
His work was beyond stale, without a hint of fun.
His Twitter followers dwindled, until there were none.
"Santa, come back," Dan said to his shoes.
"The wish that I wished I no longer choose."
"I've been a bad man. I've made some mistakes."
I want Twilight back. Whatever it takes!"
When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
Dan thought it was a robot kissing a ladder.
Santa was out on the driveway, but he wasn't alone.
The elf was there too, still using his phone.
Santa hopped out of the sled and shouted to Dan,
"I'll take back your wish because I'm a nice man!"
"You've learned your lesson, I hope," Santa said with a wave.
And Dan shouted back, "I promise I will behave.
I'll cherish every book, no matter how awful.
And can I trade back my last wish to get a nice waffle?"
And that Christmas Day, Dan ate waffles and pie,
Until Santa said, "Later," and flew up into the sky.
Dan loved Twilight now more than ever before.
He went back to work eagerly, spotting "Murmurs" galore.
The Sparklers are wonderful; SparkNotes feels like home.
You all make me smile, when I'm out on the loam.
I want to thank each of you, but I don't know how.
So I'll say Merry Christmas to all! You are my life now!
Prediction:
The next chapter will be stupid but I will not care.
Twilight is funny, like guys with fake hair.
I shall not whine again about trivial things.
And seriously, what would you taste when you eat Pegasus wings?
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 28
Chapter Twenty-Eight:
Future
Better Title: They Grow Up
So Fas…Oh, She's Dead
Already.
Let's back up a bit and

cover some of the story
from the previous
chapter that I glossed
over in my Christmas
Poem. (It was too hard to rhyme "South America" with "Bella makes me want to vomit
from my ears.")
In chapter 27, the plot fast forwards three months. In that time, baby Optimus Beyonce
has grown significantly. She can talk, read, and probably write, though her preferred
mode of communication is slapping someone on the face and shoving her mind-thoughts
into that person's brain. How is this easier than talking?
WAITRESS: Hello. My name is Pippie, and I'll be your server. Can I start you off with
any drinks?
OPTIMUS: [Slaps waitress in the face]
WAITRESS: Ouch! And, for some inexplicable reason, I now know that you want root
beer.
Things are going smoothly for Bella until she receives a note from the Volturi that both
congratulates her and Edward, and also hints at a possible visit sometime soon. The bad
vamps want to make sure Bella is a vampire, and will stop by Forks to check on things.
Bella, worried that the Volturi will find out about Optimus and take the baby away,
chooses to go to Italy alone to meet with Aro and the gang. Because she's more perfect
than a sunset made of mermaids, Aro can't read her mind, so if she's by herself, it will be
easier to keep the baby a secret.
With me so far?
Meanwhile, Irina shows up. You remember her, right? Of course you don't. Stephenie
Meyer has a habit of introducing a character with a single sentence, and then expecting
the reader to remember that sentence eighteen books later. Irina is part of Tanya's group,
who live up in Alaska. Tanya is a good vampire (remember, Roy G. Biv), but Irina dated
Laurent, the somewhat evil vampire who was friends with James. James tried to kill Bella
way back in book one, when I was a happy person who thought nothing of the word
"loam."
Irina is pissed at the Cullens because the werewolves killed Laurent, and then the Cullens
teamed up with the werewolves to fight the newborn vampires in the last book. It all
sounds more exciting and involved when I summarize it.
Irina is coming to town to make amends with the Cullens. (Or so we think.) Bella spots
Irina in the woods while hunting with Optimus and Jacob. Irina sees Bella being friendly
with a werewolf and runs away.
That sets things up for chapter twenty-eight. It begins with everyone trying to find Irina,
but it's no use. She ran fast. Tanya doesn’t know where she went, and Alice can't see
Irina's future because Alice is a horrible character who makes as much sense as my 8-
year-old cousin's explanation of Inception. (She thinks it was about communism,
macaroni and cheese, and technology addiction.)
With Irina gone, Bella focuses on preparing for her solo trip to Italy. When she returns
from Italy, she will travel with Edward, Carlisle, and Jacob to South America for some
research regarding vampire/human hybrid babies.
I probably forgot to mention this part in my holiday poem, but Carlisle thinks they will
find some answers and explanations for Optimus Beyonce's growth spurt by going down
south and looking up local legends and myths regarding vampires. Seemingly out of
nowhere, Bella tells us that Carlisle has friends in the Amazon who might be able to help.
Really? How freaking convenient. Gee, why didn't Carlisle do some of this investigative
work months ago, while Bella was pregnant? Or couldn't the other vampires do some of
this legwork? Surely there was some time for research during the past three months while
Esme was busying watching TV, Jasper was busy counting carpet fibers, Alice was busy
thinking about trees, Rosalie was busy looking at her own fingers, and Emmett was busy
building a rifle that uses bullets made of pure fear.
What the hell do the Cullens do all day?! Answer me, Ms. Meyer! Answer me or I will
pick your name out of the hat for next year's Secret Santa and then instead of spending
the $25 we all agreed on, I will only spend $15 on your gift and use the rest to buy pizza.
And then you won't get your full present. Ha! And I will laugh in your face with my pizza
breath! Do you want that? Is that what you want? I'm not playing around any more. That's
what you'll get if you don't TELL ME WHAT THE HELL THE CULLENS DO ALL
DAMN DAY!
So, Carlisle has helpful Amazonian vampire friends who will explain human/vampire
hybrid babies and ensure Optimus Beyonce's health and well-being. I'm sure the Cullens
and Jacob will show up, and the Amazon vampire, probably named Joey, will say, "Oh,
the secret to vampire/human hybrid babies is that you need to tap their bellybuttons eight
times or else they will continue to grow fast forever and ever."
Just kidding.
I have no idea what Carlisle expects to find. Is there some sort of "Vampire/Human
Hybrid for Dummies" book that is only located in an Amazonian Library? Couldn’t he
just make a few phone calls? Or send Esme? Oh, that's right. Esme is busy pondering the
color green all month. She's ever so helpful. (Sarcasm hand.)
OK, let's recap. First Bella will go to Italy. Then she will go to South America.
Meanwhile, Irina showed up for mysterious reasons. In a book that so far has been as
engaging and story-driven as a Taco Bell receipt, the sudden influx of plot is giving me
whiplash, indigestion, and a cavity. I understand the Italy trip wasn't expected, and Irina's
arrival was a surprise to everyone, but the trip to South America makes me laugh
violently.
Why have they waited so long to learn more about vampire/human hybrids? Perhaps
Bella tried to get some answers months ago:
BELLA: Our baby is growing fast. We should do something. Find out what's going on
with her biology.
CARLISLE: Eh. I wouldn't worry about it. She's growing so fast that she's probably
going to die by the end of the week. I hope you didn't name her. You don't want to grow
too attached.
BELLA: What? Why don't we try to help her??
CARLISLE: I have friends in the Amazon who know exactly what to do, but…
BELLA: But what!?
CARLISLE: If we get down there and the baby is already dead, then it's, like, a wasted
trip. See what I mean? We should just wait this out. I've already made a casket out of
some discarded luggage, just in case.
BELLA: My baby is going to die and you're not going to do anything?
CARLISLE: Ugh. Fine. Whatever. Maybe I can go to the Amazon in a few months.
BELLA: We should go now! Before it's too late!
CARLISLE: Oof…That ain't going to work. Esme is busy right now playing online
checkers, and Jasper was planning to decorate his sneakers with a pen. That'll take a few
months.
BELLA: I don't believe this.
CARLISLE: Maybe in the spring we'll go to South America, if the baby isn't dead yet. If
it is dead, then we go to Disney World. Deal?
Alice is having trouble seeing the future because Jacob is going on the trip. She also can't
see Bella's trip to Italy very clearly because Alice is a character who makes as much
sense as wooden socks.
As everyone prepares, Alice messes around with a flower vase and suddenly drops it. The
blank-faced Alice has seen the future, and it isn't good. Yay!
After some confusing conversations, both oral and mental, we learn that the Volturi are
coming to Forks. They're not sending one or two vampires, but the entire Volturi
kingdom. They'll all arrive in about a month. Aro, Caius, and Marcus (giggle) will lead
the others in a war march against the Cullens. Yes! Yes! Yes! I can't wait to see Marcus
driving his Marcus-Mobile.
It's a good thing Marcus is coming. He will probably pin down Edward and then scream,
"Did you know Natalie Portman has a crush on Mark Ruffalo? Did you?! Answer me!!!"
Marcus is my favorite. If they made a Marcus action figure, I wouldn't buy it, because
that would be a silly waste of money. But I would put it in my online shopping cart and
leave him there for a few minutes before clicking "Remove item from cart."
The always perfect Cullens aren't sure why all of the Volturi want to stop by Forks. After
a lot of needless talk, Bella realizes what we all figured out about 50 pages ago: Irina was
spying on the Cullens for the Volturi, and ratted to them about the existence of Optimus
Beyonce.
It is forbidden to turn a baby into a vampire. (Though dating one has never been an issue,
because the vampires, like the rest of the world aside from perverts, never thought that
was a concern.) The Volturi's strict rule is punishable by death. But rules regarding
vampire/human hybrid babies are vague, so this whole thing is one big misunderstanding.
Bella freaks out. She wants to protect her baby. Alice tries to determine when the Volturi
will strike, but can't get a clear image because her powers make as much sense as brick
socks.
Emmett says they should fight. Sure, they're outnumbered, but who cares?
Emmett's here! Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, if you slapped a polar bear and then ate it, you
should say, "That's one delicious Slappy Meal!" Wouldn't that be funny? That's funny,
right? Maybe I can write quips for you when you go hunting. Wouldn't it be funny if
Esme adopted me and then we'd be brothers? That's so funny. That's really silly of me to
even type. I was just messing around. Haha…that was a fun goof we just had, huh?
Anyway, have a happy new year. Oh, and what is Esme's email address? I want to ask her
about something.
Emmett thinks if they ask some of their friends to help out, it might be possible to stall
the Volturi army long enough to explain that Optimus isn't a baby who was turned into a
vampire, but instead a human/vampire hybrid. Once the Volturi understand that Optimus
isn't a threat to vampire culture, and they all see how adorable she is, the war will end
with a big group hug. The only problem is finding enough friends to help stall the
Volturi.
This leads to a hilarious rundown of all the vampires who are friends of the Cullens.
Some of them, like Tanya and Siobhan, I remember, but others are just names to me. It's
my job to read this book closely, but I guess I messed up. I've never heard of the Amazon
vampires. I have no clue who "Garret and Mary" are. And the name "Elezar" sounds
familiar, but that might be because I took a class over the summer called Ridiculous
Names Shoddy Authors Give to Vampires. (I got an A on the midterm when I suggested
"Danthew.")
During the rundown of allies, I was hoping to find "Robocop" or "Emmett's adopted twin
brother Dan Bergstein," but was left disappointed.
This plan could work. If these nice vampires line up and yell, "Stop! Before you kill this
baby, you should know that she's a human/vampire hybrid and she's cute," that will end
all problems.
Um…
Hate to be that guy who always picks things apart, but this plan makes as much sense as
Alice's powers, which make as much sense as glass socks.
If I read this correctly, they need only explain Optimus to the Volturi. Once that happens,
the Volturi will not want to kill the baby, and the world will be happy. Right? So why
don't they just send them a letter explaining things? Mail too slow? Make a YouTube
video. Or…and this is crazy…call them on the telephone.
I know! What was I thinking? That's so stupid. I'm such an idiot. I'm sure there's a good
reason why they can't call the Volturi. Yep, the idea of flying in friends from all over the
globe to stand in a line in the woods and then shout in unison is much better than making
a phone call.
I'm so stupid.
The chapter ends with Jacob returning to the Cullen house and asking why everyone is so
uptight. Bella says, "It's over. We've all been sentenced to death."
Hahahaha!
Good.
And for those paying attention, I forgot to add the Murmur/Mutter count in the last blog.
But there were 0 murmurs and 0 mutters in Chapter 27. It was a Christmas miracle.
Prediction:
The chapter picks up immediately where the left chapter ended.
JACOB: Sentenced to death? Why?
BELLA: The Volturi are coming. They know about the baby. They will kill all of us.
EDWARD: Our only hope is to get all of our friends together, and explain to the Volturi
that Optimus isn't a real vampire baby but instead some sort of God Baby.
JACOB: Um…that doesn't make any sense.
EDWARD: Yeah-huh! It makes a lot of sense because we're vampires and we always
make sense!
JACOB: Aro can read minds if he touches you, right? Optimus can send Mind-Thoughts
into someone's brain by touching them too, right? So the moment Aro touches Optimus,
everything will be explained and it will all end in a group hug.
CARLISLE: That will never work. It makes far too much sense.
ESME: I just counted to 6 billion! I'm such a busy lady.
JACOB: Plus, the Volturi aren't arriving for another month. By then, Optimus will be the
size of a 5th grader. Surely the Volturi will see she's not a vampire baby. Honestly, this
whole thing makes as much sense as sandpaper socks or my romantic relationship with a
toddler.
OPTIMUS: Mother dear, would you be so kind as to change my diap-diap? I seemed to
have soiled it once again. I do apologize for this sudden, yet unavoidable interruption.
Perchance one day soon I shall learn to use the Big Girl Potty to perform my "necessary."
Until then, please wash my backside.
QUIL: For Christmas, I gave my girlfriend a $300 charm bracelet which she fed to the
cat. She gave me a piece of construction paper with big glob of glitter glue in the middle.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 29
Chapter Twenty-Nine:
Defection
Better Title: And the Dish
Ran Away with the Loon.
(Jasper's the dish.)
The first sentence of

this chapter should have
been the final sentence
of the entire series:
"We sat there all night long, statues of horror and grief, and Alice never came back."
Now that's an ending I can get behind.
Sadly, there are many more sentences and sentence fragments that follow it. The chapter
reminds me of the time Snape (spoiler alert) killed (super spoiler alert) Dumbledore and
how many readers thought Snape was an evil guy. But us cool people knew Snape was
only acting evil all along.
I'm willing to bet Alice is taking on the Snape role here, but in a far more stupid and less
important way, like when you ask your dad if you got your college acceptance letter and
he says, "You didn't get in. Sorry. We're having chicken for dinner. By the way, there's a
giant fat envelope from that awesome college you wanted to attend. It's on your desk.
Wonder what that could be…hmm? Hahaha. I'm your father and I'm devilish."
Before Alice fake-betrays the family, we see Bella and the other vampires sitting around
the Cullen house waiting for Alice and Jasper to return from their thinking spot. In the
last chapter, Alice needed to get away from Jacob so she could clearly see the future
regarding the Volturi. She grabbed Jasper and left the house. She better not be going to
my Thinking Lake. And if she does, she better pick up all the string cheese wrappers I
left.
It's hours later and the two still haven't returned. Bella describes the feeling inside the
house as one of total despair. No one is moving. No one is talking. Everyone assumes the
Volturi will attack and there's nothing they can do about it.
There's only one word to describe what I'm feeling: Brargh!
This situation angers me for several reasons.
1. Tell me again why they can't explain Optimus Beyonce to the Volturi? The Volturi
love the Cullens. When the Cullens broke the most important vampire rule of them all,
the Volturi gave them a warning. That's it. A warning. That's like a parent who watches
his 4-year-old sell nuclear arms to terrorist and then taps the kid on the butt and say,
"Don't do that again, my little dewdrop." If the Volturi are so lenient, why can't Carlisle,
their friend and former alley, just tell them what's going on?
2. With all the touchy-feely vampire powers, why wouldn't the Volturi realize the truth
about Optimus before attacking? Do vampire powers not work on Wednesdays? Is it
Wednesday? (Side note: When the heck does this story take place? Is it July? Did we
miss Christmas? Is Jacob even going to school anymore? Did Angela and Ben go all the
way yet?)
3. Tell me again why they can't beat the crap out of a bunch of old guys and Dakota
Fanning? The Cullens have Emmett and two packs of werewolves on their side. It's my
understanding that werewolves serve only one purpose: vampire death. (They also dabble
in unorthodox child care, but that's not the point.) It might be a tough fight, but it's not
like Justin Bieber facing off against The Predator. Stop sitting around and moaning, you
super-powered jerk holes! I could take down a few Volturi, and my only super power is
the ability to type "Mississippi Mississippi Mississippi" with my eyes closed. (I'm also
good with throwing stars…presumably.) Get mad! Get hyped! It's freakin' go time,
leeches! LET'S DO THIS!!!
4. Why can't Carlisle explain the situation to his best buddy Aro? Why? Why? Why?
Why? Why? Why? I'm so angry, I need to close my eyes. Mississippi Mississippi
Mississippi.
Some might say, "Dan, you're missing the point. The Volturi hate Optimus regardless of
her hybrid status. It's against the rules for vampires to have babies of any kind. The
Volturi will kill everyone. Your beard makes you look like a rugged movie star, but
you're wrong about the Volturi's motivation."
And I would thank you for the beard compliment but retort by saying that doesn't make
sense and your hat makes you look desperate for attention. The Volturi hate baby
vampires because baby vampires are uncontrollable monsters who can't abide by vampire
rules. Optimus isn't like that. She's growing up. She's smart. She understands logic and
reason. And she sleeps. Plus she has super duper powers.
The Volturi wouldn't kill her if they knew the truth, just as they won't kill Alice, Bella, or
Edward, because those three are Super Duper Vampires. The Volturi love Super Duper
Vampires more than I love licking leftover maple syrup off my whiskers in the middle of
the day. Once they learn about Optimus, they would not dare harm her. Case closed.
So I'm completely lost as to why the Volturi are attacking, and why the Cullens can't
explain the situation. I also don't understand if wind is coming or going, but that's for a
different, much, much longer blog.
Bella stares at Edward all night long. Literally. She tells us, "We'd stared at each other all
night, staring at what neither of us could live through losing: the other." Yep, staring will
fix everything. That's how we won WWII. No sense making battle plans or body armor;
no need to call the Volturi to explain things. Instead, it's very wise to waste the entire
night locking eyes with a joyless pretty boy and wait for your second helping of death.
(Sarcasm hand.)
Everyone begins to worry about Alice. Where is she? Why hasn't she returned? Its all so
mysterious and tense. I'm probably wrong, but I thought Edward could read minds—
minds of people who were miles away. That's why Aro was so fascinated by Edward.
He's particularly adept at reading the minds of people he knows, such as a sister or his
lullaby coach. As such, he should know exactly what Alice did and where she went with
Jasper.
Brargh!
Mississippi. Mississippi. Mississippi.
Edward hasn't a clue where Alice went, but suddenly everyone jumps to the conclusion
that the Volturi have attacked her and Jasper. They tell Jacob to wait with Optimus alone
at the house (Really? You really think that's a good idea, do you? Hmmm), and they rush
out to begin an exciting chase through the forest as they follow Alice and Jasper's scent.
Meanwhile, Jacob dons his party robe and turns on the lava lamp.
Once the vamps get to the werewolf boundary, Sam and the formerly-evil-werewolves-
who-are-now-good-guys (FEWWANGG) stop them. The FEWWANGG aren't here to
fight, but instead give the Cullens a note left by Alice.
Alice's handwritten message says she and Jasper left and swam into the ocean to leave the
Cullens forever. (Yay!) Alice implies that she knew the fight would end badly and
couldn't stand to lose Jasper. She advises the Cullens to find some other vampires to help
battle the Volturi, and then Jasper adds, "My scars make me pretty, Emmett! Y'all are just
jealous!" Not really. That doesn't happen.
Without Jasper's ability to move sideways and Alice's ability to piss me off, the Cullens
don't stand a chance!
Of course this is a ploy. It must be. Stephenie Meyer is too bland a writer to actually let
one of her beloved characters act in such an interesting manner. This is a trick. Alice
doesn’t plan on leaving the Cullens high and dry, and I'll bet my tongue and toes that she
will triumphantly return with Jasper just in the nick of time.
I could be wrong about this. Alice and Jasper might really be gone forever. (Yay!)
Hahahahahahaha!
Hahahahaha!
Ha!
Yeah right. That's not going to happen. Alice and Jazzy are totally coming back. I'm
willing to bet not only my teeth and toes, but also my eyes and my beard.
Alice's note was written on a torn page of one of Bella's books. After a few pages of
brilliant detective work on Bella's part, Bella realizes the page was a message for her to
go to her sex cottage and find the book. Off she goes with her sidekick Lullaby Lad to
solve "The Case of the Obvious Plot Twist."
Belly makes her lover stand outside while she investigates the sex cottage. Inside the
book is a message for Bella's eyes only. It's the name and address of J. Jenks, with a note
that says, "Destroy this." Bella assumes Alice is telling her to destroy the book before the
other vampires see it. Though perhaps Alice wants Bella to destroy this Jenks fellow.
Hmmm…
Bella burns the secret note before Edward sees what's going on, and then the two return
to the Cullen house, where the others are getting ready for a road trip to search for Good
Guy Vampires who can help stop the Volturi.
Carlisle tells Edward and Bella to stay at home. When the good vampires arrive, Edward
will need to explain the situation and prove that Optimus isn't a threat to vampire culture.
($10 says he does so via lullaby.)
Then everyone cries. I'm not kidding.
Prediction
The Cullens are too late. The Volturi arrive. There's nothing they can do.
ARO: Well, well, well. Looks like someone's been a very naughty girl.
BELLA: You don't understand! We didn't bite the baby. She's my own child! She's a
hybrid.
CAIUS: Babies can't be cars.
MARCUS: Speaking of babies, I've got some juicy gossip regarding the father of Mariah
Carey's bundle of joy! Stay tuned. Marcus…out!
ARO: What? What the hell does that even mean, Marcus? Stay tuned to what?
MARCUS: Marcus…in! It means I have all the dirt on celeb relationships. I'm starting
my own talk show. Gonna call it "Mar-Mar's Bizness." It's gonna be totally viper!
Marcus…out!
ARO: Did you just use "viper" as an adjective?
MARCUS: Marcus…in. Hell yeah. Viper explains my style and my flo. I'm just so viper!
By the way, Tina Fey has a crush on Kevin Costner! Marcus…out!
ARO: I can't believe we hang out with you.
BELLA: So you'll let us go, right? You don't want to kill a valuable and powerful
vampire hybrid.
ARO: Of course not. Why didn't you just call us and let us know? This could have been
done over Skype.
[Aro packs up his things and heads back on the bus. Jasper jumps out of the tree.]
JASPER: Not so fast, Aro! I'm here to save the day!
ARO: What?
[Jasper moves sideways back and forth for a minute. Nothing happens.]
JASPER: You feel that? Huh? You feel that sideways action, Aro? I'm sideways
running. It's over, man. You lose. It's over, turkey.
EMMETT: Um…Jazzy? You're not doing anything. You look really stupid. Why are
you wearing kneepads?
JASPER: They make me look badass and in charge. Out of my way, Emmett. I don't
want to accidentally murder you with my diagonal motion.
MARCUS: Those kneepads are viper, man.
EMMETT: But Aro is leaving. It was all a misunderstanding. You're being an ass.
JASPER: Shut up, Emmett! Is this about my scars? I'm pretty on the inside. Alice…
now!
[Alice emerges from the woods screaming, riding on roller skates and carrying a baseball
bat.]
ALICE: Agh! You messed with the wrong vampires!
[Alice then hits Aro in the legs with the bat. Aro doesn't flinch. Alice then looks around
at her husband seemingly dancing side-to-side.]
ALICE: Um…did we win? Is that why you're dancing?
JASPER: [Out of breath] I'm wrecking this place up like a tornado of vengeance!
Sideways is the best ways! Look out, Aro. You're about to be diago-NAILED!
BELLA: Aro's going home.
ALICE: So my plan worked?
EDWARD: Your plan for Jasper to move sideways while you ride roller skates?
ALICE: Yeah. We call it the "A.J. Special." It took us days to think up.
EDWARD: Um…good job.
JASPER: [Out of breath] I helped save everyone!
ESME: You sure did, my brave little man. You're getting a new air hockey table for
being so strong.
JASPER: Yay!
QUIL: My girlfriend has chosen Cookie Monster to be her maid of honor at our
wedding. The reception will be held at McDonald's.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 30
Chapter Thirty:
Irresistible
Better Title: A Festival of
Face Touching
Way back in Blogging

New Moon: Part 13, I
wrote, "If I complete
these blogs by 2010,
SparkNotes is going to
throw me a roller
skating party. Which is an odd choice, since I can't roller skate. But I just love the up-
tempo music and walking around public places in my socks. So, to keep things moving,
here's another chapter where Bella frets for twenty pages."
My, have things changed. I've missed my 2010 deadline by more than a year, and there
are still a handful of chapters left in this book. That means no skating party. If I can finish
up before Spring, they still might throw me a party, but it's going to be in my friend
John's basement, which smells like fish food, and the only refreshments will be cheese
sandwiches and warm diet Sprite.
One thing hasn't changed during the past year. Bella, once again, spends twenty pages
fretting. The girl could release her own self-help book called, "How to Worry About
Things In 20-Page Increments: For Home or Office." For instance, if you're out of bread,
you can write twenty pages on what would happen if you never ate bread again. This
wouldn't solve your bread problem, but at least you'd be hip and sassy like Bella Swan-
Cullen, the 21st Century's Best and Brightest Literary Superstar!
I'm being mean. Bella does have good reason to worry. The Volturi are coming and will
kill her and her baby for no good reason. I'd probably worry a bit too. She should
continue her 20-page worry-a-thons. It's just like the time in Raiders of the Lost Ark
when Indiana Jones spent the entire movie saying, "Gosh. I sure hope the bad guys don't
get the Ark. That would be awful. All the pain and suffering…I just don't know if I could
handle that. I better make love."
In the first part of the chapter, Bella realizes the best thing to do to prevent the Volturi
from killing everyone is to spend the night having wild sex with Edward. Oddly, this
doesn't help matters, and the next day she asks Eddie to teach her how to fight. He's
hesitant. He says fighting will be useless because the Volturi army is too strong.
You might remember him saying similar things in the last book when the newborn army
was approaching, and in the first book when James was being a doofus. Yep, Edward is
one Positive Paul when it comes to fights. He always sees the bright side of life. (Sarcasm
shoulder. I would raise my Sarcasm hand, but it's sore from shoveling snow.)
After some careful thinking, Edward realizes that it might be wise to teach Bella a few
basic fighting techniques instead of letting her die defenseless. He's such a wonderful
husband. He's so helpful in every situation and would be a great spouse even if these two
weren't super humans.
HUMAN BELLA: Edward, help! The stove is on fire!
HUMAN EDWARD: It's no use, Human Bella. We will die a fiery death. Goodbye, my
lamb.
HUMAN BELLA: Well, you could hand me the fire extinguisher.
HUMAN EDWARD: Hmm…I'm not sure that's a good idea. I don't think you're ready.
HUMAN BELLA: Oh. OK.
[The two lovers die]
Edward doesn't want Bella to get hurt, and knows that fighting will surely place her in
danger. But isn't Bella the most powerful vampire in all the lands? As a newborn
vampire, she's twice as powerful as all other vampires. She beat Emmett in an arm
wrestling match that I'm desperately trying to forget. She could easily take out a few of
these Volturi, so why is Edward hemming and hawing? And why does he assume losing
is their only option?
Oh, that's right. He's a horrible joyless character without any sense of reason. I forgot.
Bella asks Edward about the Volturi and what makes this clan of vampires so powerful.
He says they have two strong warriors, Alec and Dakota Fanning. We all know that
Dakota Fanning can make a vampire crumble to the ground in a fit of agony using
nothing but her mind powers. (As can the real Dakota Fanning, but only when she's really
pissed and wearing her power crown.) Alec, on the other hand, has the opposite power.
He can numb a victim and take away her senses, making her blind, deaf, and without any
sense of pain. This causes panic and makes it easier for the other vampires like Marcus
(giggle) to kill the desensitized enemy.
Since Bella is immune to Dakota Fanning's powers, it stands to reason that Alec would be
powerless against her as well. The suddenly brazen Bella suggests that she try to take out
Alec, whose powers can work on a large group of vampires at the same time, and then
beat up Dakota Fanning, whose powers only work on individuals. With those two
powerhouses taken care of, the Cullens can attack with full force.
I love this. There's no sarcasm hand here. The setup for this battle makes sense, for once.
I think Alec and Dakota Fanning, the creepy-yet-strong vampire teens, make wonderful
enemies, and their powers are much more interesting than Marcus' ability to see
relationships and Esme's ability to live a wasted life.
The downside is that this part of the chapter lasts only a few sentences before the book
returns to its natural state of tedium and illogicalness. Plus, Stephenie Meyer has never
written a satisfying action scene, and I'm worried that this book will end with Bella
telling us, "There was a huge war. It was epic. We won. Then Edward and I danced naked
in a pool of infinite love, the waves of passion hugging our souls like a robe made of
dreams and gods. Loam."
It's about time that Bella actually takes action instead of waiting for the bad things to
happen like she always does. I'm almost impressed with her willingness to fight. Then I
remember she let thousands of Italians die, one of whom was probably a young man who
never had the chance to experience true love. And then my hatred of Bella bubbles up
inside me like a burp that cannot be burped.
But before Edward can give Bella a lesson on vampire wrestling, the nervous couple
must prepare for Tanya's visit. By the way, when is the last time Bella or Edward went
hunting, and why isn't Bella concerned with blood anymore? Oh, right. Because of
chromosomes and hybrids and whatnot. I think "whatnot" is the best way to explain all
the problems with this series.
It's up to Edward to tell the Good Vampires that Optimus Beyonce isn't a vampire baby,
but instead a mysterious hybrid creature. I could do this with a simple text message, but
Edward must involve passion and mystery because he's a walking punch line.
Meanwhile, Bella is still trying to figure out who the mysterious J. Jenks is without
Edward realizing what's going on. Because J. Jenks was introduced near the end of the
book, and because I have no faith in Miss Meyer's writing ability, I'm willing to bet this
Jenks character is some sort of all-powerful godlike creature that will solve all problems
with his mighty battle cry, "Deus Ex Machina!" And then the Volturi will be defeated,
the Cullens will be safe, and out of nowhere Bella will be given a wish-granting unicorn
named Cupcake Icing, and yet she'll still find something to moan about.
Tanya and her family (Carmen, Kate, and Eleazar) arrive, and Edward's big plan is to
hide Bella, Jacob, and Optimus in another room while he explains the situation. Is the
trickery necessary? Again, why couldn't Edward explain this over the phone before they
got there? Oh, that's right. It's because of whatnot.
Edward invites the Tanya family into the dining room and explains that there is great
danger approaching. He asks them to listen carefully to what is hiding in the other room.
The vampires quickly identify Jacob, but they also hear Optimus' fast and gentle
heartbeat. Edward then asks Tanya's gang to have an open mind about what he's about to
show them.
It would be fantastic if Edward then performed some sort of erotic magic trick, but alas,
he does not. Instead, he invites Bella and Optimus into the room and tells Tanya that the
child isn't a vampire baby, but a vampire/human hybrid. I'm surprised and disappointed
that the term "ta-da" is not uttered once. Edward needs to work on his showmanship
skills. I punctuate everything I say with "ta-da." It never fails to impress. Ta-da. I also use
the phrase when saying goodbye to my dad, but with a slightly less arrogant emphasis
and a longer pause between the two sounds.
At first, the other vampires back away, because they are vampires, and vampires are
over-dramatic morons. They don't believe Edward, and know that a vampire baby is
against the rules. Edward is able to calm everyone down, and reminds them that Optimus
has a heartbeat, and as such, cannot be a real vampire.
Optimus asks to touch the guests to show them the truth. This is when the festival of face
touching begins. For pages and pages, Optimus touches faces. She's the most amazing
face toucher in the world and would easily win the gold medal for face touching at next
year's Over Dramatic Olympics. Sure, a simple handshake would have worked too, but
face touching is so much more ridiculous and pompous, i.e. it's a very vampire thing to
do.
Eventually Tanya's family see the truth and understand that Optimus isn't an evil monster.
They vow to help convince the Volturi that Optimus is just a super baby and not a
vampire at all. And should a war break out, they will defend the Cullens. Roy G. Biv,
indeed.
The chapter ends with Bella hopeful that they will be able to talk some sense into the
Volturi. There's also a small subplot about Eleazar, and how he thinks the Volturi are
coming to Forks for a different, more mysterious reason. I'm only mentioning it because
it will probably be important later and because whenever I write the name "Eleazar" I
also say it out loud in a flamboyant accent. Eleazar!
Prediction:
The Volturi prepare for battle.
CAIUS: So, boss, why are we waiting a month to attack?
ARO: Because we need time to gather our forces, you fool.
CAIUS: But a whole month? Couldn't we do that in, like, an hour? Just send out a mass
email or blow the big summoning horn.
ARO: No. It takes a month. Stop asking questions.
CAIUS: Lame. I could build a freaking house in a month.
ARO: You could not. Leave me alone.
MARCUS: Wassup, haters? Marcus here to tell you that Seth Rogen loves his wife.
ARO: So what?
MARCUS: Maybe we can use that against the Cullens. That would be totally viper!
ARO: How…why is that viper? Wait. Don't answer that. I really don't care.
CAIUS: Are we taking a hot air balloon to Forks? That would sort of explain why it's
going to take 30 days to get there. Can I pull the torch thingy in the balloon if I promise
not to get chocolate on it?
MARCUS: I wanna pull it too! This is going to be viper! Caius, get a picture of me
pulling the fire thing for my Facebook page. But don't tag me in the photo if I look fat.
ARO: No! We're not taking a hot air balloon! We're taking a damn plane!
CAIUS: You didn't have to yell.
MARCUS: But why is it going to take a month? Are we walking?
CAIUS: I don't want to walk. Do we have to walk? Can I bring a pillow pet? Can I bring
two?
MARCUS: Why is it going to take so long?
ARO: Because…
CAIUS: Because why?
ARO: Just because, OK?
MARCUS: Oprah thinks Ben Stiller is ugly. That's how I'm going to defeat Emmett.
QUIL: Hey guys. You don't know me, but I thought you should know that my girlfriend
has no concept of death and when she spots roadkill, she assumes the animals is taking a
nap. It's cute, but also psychologically damaging, just like our relationship. It's pretty
viper.
MARCUS: Totally.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 31
Chapter Thirty-One:
Talented
Better Title: Pretty Girls Get
Two Gifts
Picking up from the last

chapter, Edward, Bella,
and Jacob are
entertaining Tanya's
crew of good vampires.
They're trying to figure
out why Aro and the Volturi are coming to Forks, and how to stop a possible massacre.
Edward is a lousy host and doesn't even offer his guests refreshments. Would it kill the
guy to squeeze out some dead dogs and give everyone a glass of Puppy Juice? And when
is the last time Bella went hunting?
Eleazar, whose last name is without a doubt Smartypants, is surprised at the level of
Optimus Beyonce's abilities, and curious about Bella's immunity to vampire powers.
Bella quickly says she's not immune to all vampire powers, just those associated with the
brain. Alice can still see Bella's future, because decisions are made not in the mind, but in
the spleen, and Jasper can still alter her emotions, because we all know emotions come
not from the brain, but from the duodenum. It makes perfect sense.
Eleazar says Bella is a shield, a common term for any vampire that can repel another's
super powers. Upon hearing this term, Bella asks, "What does that even mean?" Really?
The term "shield" is too hard to decipher, Bella? You can't use some simple context clues
to crack this code? It's hard to believe that such a brilliant high school student would be
thwarted by the term "shield." I happen to have the unedited manuscript of Breaking
Dawn, which further shows Bella's trouble with the word. See for yourself:
Eleazar said I was a shield. What does that even mean? Perhaps it means I'm part balloon
and can communicate with ice. Maybe being a shield has given me the power to turn
wood into eggs and control cardboard with my eye beams! "Shield" must be Latin for
"She who can make ducks fall in love."
How can this straight-A student not know what a shield is? If a mysterious European
named Eleazar came up to me out of nowhere and said, "Dan, you are a shield," I would
say, "Cool. That means others can't harm me. That's obvious. Can I have fifty cents for
the vending machine, mister? Why not!? Jerk."
Eleazar, who must be rolling his eyes, explains to Bella that when he was a Volturi, it
was his job to find and categorize various vampires based on their powers. Bella is a
Shield because of her immunity to mental powers. I guess that would make Edward a
Snoop, Jasper a Chill-Out Dude, and Alice a Plot Device.
He asks if Bella has ever tried to use her shielding powers to protect someone else. Could
she expand her power to make a force field around others besides herself? Of course,
Bella hasn't tried that yet, because she's selfish and was super busy looking up simple,
common words in the dictionary.
Bella isn't the only shield in this world. Renata (whose name sounds like an Olive Garden
appetizer) is Aro's bodyguard, and she's also a shield. If you try to attack Aro, Renata will
step in, and your mind will forget what you were doing. That's a handy super power. And
if you listen closely, you can hear Marcus in the distance screaming, "Yeah, but can she
tell which Glee cast members were canoodling in the makeup trailer!? She ain't so viper."
Eleazar theorizes that Bella is immune to Renata's shielding technique. This could lead to
an epic battle of Shield vs. Shield. Yep, that'll be exciting to read. Why not fight using Q-
tips or bubbles instead? Or have a whisper war.
Bella, still flabbergasted over this odd "shield" word, wonders if it's possible that she's
been given two special powers. Not only is she a shield, but she also has super-duper
willpower, which made her time as a newborn vampire seem more sexy than manic.
Could she be the only vampire with double powers?
Of course. That makes perfect sense. The girl who gets everything she ever dreams of
should also get a bonus power, because being a perfect woman isn't easy. Bella is so
perfect that scientists are using tiny hammers to make minuscule, precise dents in all
shelled animals so that when you hold the shell to your ear you'll hear the phrase, "Bella
is better than you."
She's so perfect. Did you know that writing Bella's name in the upper-right-hand corner
of an envelope is equivalent to using a 98-cent stamp? She also won a Nobel Prize in the
categories of Mathematics and Best Kiss. If you look at her directly, her beauty will make
you forget prime numbers, and your teeth will fuse together. And if you whisper her full
name into the wind, you will summon a Sex Dragon.
Kate, Tanya's easily forgettable sister, speaks up and asks if Bella can project her power
on others. Kate's power is the ability to make a person believe he's in great pain. It's
similar to Dakota Fanning's power, but instead of a burning sensation, the victim feels an
electric shock. What a great power. And if you listen closely, you can hear Marcus crying
in the distance, "That's not so viper. At least I can tell if your boyfriend thinks Jen's butt
is better than yours. That's how I'm going to become President of Vampires!"
The thought of projecting her power to keep others safe thrills Bella. If she could make a
mental cage around Optimus, then the Volturi may not be able to hurt the baby.
Desperate to learn how, she tugs on Kate's arm like a kid tugs on mom's arm when he
wants a cookie, or the way Optimus tugs on Jacob's arm when she wants to go to an Ezra
Pound poetry recital.
Kate tries to shock Bella with mind-powers, but it doesn't work because Bella is
wonderful. Bella is so perfect that the word "cake" is being replaced with "Bella flesh."
Bella's mind fills with hope. She need to protect the baby. The somewhat annoyed Kate
isn't sure if she can teach Bella how to project, and says it takes a lot of practice.
Meanwhile Edward and Eleazar have a confusing, one-side conversation as Edward
replies to all of Eleazar's internal thoughts. This happens so often in the book. We get it,
Miss Meyer. Edward can read minds. You don't need to do this stupid little gag in every
other chapter.
Eleazar explains that there's a vampire named Chelsea in Aro's army. Her super power is
the ability to break up or bind relationships. If you and your boyfriend are having a fight
about walruses again, Chelsea could restore your relationship. If you hate the sight of
pickles, Chelsea could make you honor and respect pickles. Her powers work on large
groups, as well, which comes in handy on the field of battle. If you listen closely, you can
hear Marcus whimper, "But…but…I can see relationships. That's better than creating or
destroying relationships because…I'm taller. I'm so viper. I'm HYPER VIPER!"
According to Mr. Smartypants, Aro uses Chelsea to break up groups of vampires, and
then she convinces any unique vampire to join Team Volturi. We all know Aro has a
thing for powerful vampires. He collects them like my strange uncle collects mannequin
torsos. As a Volturi, Eleazar would tell Aro about a particularly powerful vampire, and
then Aro would destroy that vampire's entire coven and use Chelsea to convince the lone
vampire to join his team.
Because Aro, Chelsea, and all the other Volturi are coming to Forks, Eleazar thinks this
has little to do with Optimus Beyonce. Aro's using the baby as an excuse. His real goal is
to kill the Cullens and then make Alice or Edward or Bella join his army. Aro really
wants Alice on his side. He admires her power. He must also admire other ridiculous
things, such as dog sweaters, Christmas lights in February, and Star Wars Episode 2:
Attack of the Clones.
It all falls into place. Alice saw that the Volturi were coming for her. Instead of being
turned against her family, she ditched them with Jasper. It almost makes sense. But this is
Twilight. Why couldn't Alice just say all this instead of writing cryptic notes? Oh. I
forgot. Because chromosomes, whatnot, and love.
I'm not convinced that was her plan, and I'll bet my knees that Alice and Jasper will
triumphantly return before the book ends. And how does this relate to J. Jenks? Never
mind. Don't answer that, because I don't really care and you'd just be wasting valuable
internet space with a response. Instead, tell me who the red pawn on the cover is suppose
to represent. Bella is the queen, obviously. Maybe the red pawn is Optimus, but wouldn't
Optimus be on Bella's side? I bet it's Mike Newton spying on Bella's ass like a pervert.
Bella hears a car approaching and at first worries that Charlie is stopping by, but Edward
says it's Peter and Charlotte, two vampires that I'm sure are important, but I don't care
enough to remember.
Prediction:
The battle begins!
CHELSEA: I have turned the Cullens against each other.
MARCUS: So what? Who cares?
CHELSEA: By using my relationship powers, we will easily win.
MARCUS: I'm not listening. You talk too much. And you're short.
CHELSEA: Soon Bella will be ours!
MARCUS: I beat Guitar Hero 8 on Expert…on my first try. It's not even out yet. It was
hyper viper. You couldn't do that. You have little hands. You probably couldn't even hold
the guitar with your dwarf hands.
CHELSEA: The Volturi will reign over the world of vampires!
MARCUS: Aro says I'm his favorite. But don't ask him about it, because it's a secret and
he'll just lie to you. I think he hates you. He got me an iPod for my birthday. I bet he
didn't even get you a present.
CHELSEA: The world of man will serve us!
MARCUS: I know that Aro likes me best because I can see relationships. That’s a very
good power. It's the most powerful power of them all. I can do a handstand.
CHELSEA: Our numbers are growing. It's only a matter of time before vampires take
control!
MARCUS: This one time, Aro took me bowling. Just me and him. It was so much fun. I
bet he's never taken you bowling. He let me enter my own name on the scorecard. My
name was "V-eye-Purr." It was hilarious. Then we went surfing and high-fived a lot.
CHELSEA: The immortal will rule the earth!
MARCUS: Aro lets me eat ice cream for breakfast all the time because we're best
friends.
CHELSEA: I will help shape the future of vampire culture!
MARCUS: I can do a handstand. Wanna see? Are you watching? Watch! [Marcus does a
handstand] See! Beat that, Chels-pee! Haha. Your name is like pee.
QUIL: My girlfriend cried for two hours after I accidentally stepped on her snow angel.
Women…know what I mean?
MARCUS: Totally. Who are you, and would you like to see my handstand?
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 32
Chapter Thirty-Two:
Company
Better Title: It's OK to Kill
People You Don't Know
I need to vent. I need to

let this out. Once it's
done, I will put
Breaking Dawn down
and walk away from the
world of vampires for a
week. I may drink a cup of ginger tea and watch The Dark Knight and Jaws at the same
time. After this chapter, I think I deserve that little bit of heaven.
It's not that this chapter is any worse than the others. There's nothing here we haven't seen
before. But the book is taking its toll on my mind. All the awful little things are adding up
in my head, like drops of acid rain in a bucket. If I don't empty this bucket, I will die.
I apologize in advance for the anger you are about to witness. If your computer has a text-
to-speech function, you should turn your volume down. It's gonna get loud. Even if your
computer is politely silent, you may want to step back from the screen. The words will be
strong. Some of them may not even be words at all. I may need numbers to express my
level of frustration. When numbers fail me, I will use colors. When colors fail me, I will
use ampersands.
You have been warned.
78& Purple! 88 &&&&&&&
Of all the books in the world, how the hell can this one sell billions of copies? Who is
reading this novel? Who is reading this specific arrangement of letters and spaces? Who?
I want names. I want the names of every person who has ever read this book, and I want
to go to their homes and ask them, "Why?" That's all. I will simply ask why and walk
away. I don't expect an answer. I won't get an answer. There is no answer.
This book is bad. It's so very, very bad. It's about horrible people doing horrible things.
It's about baby dating. It's about depressed old men who fall in love with depressed high
school girls. It's not about romance. It's not about adventure. It's not about growing up or
finding your place in the world. It's about sadders.
What's a sadder? Everyone in this book is a sadder. If a hiker is one who hikes, and a
baker is one who bakes, than a sadder is one who sads. This is a sad bad book. I hate it. I
hate every page of it. I hate that it makes me hate it.
Orange 3233 &&& Silver!!
In this chapter, Bella thinks it's OK to kill people. Yep. You read that right. She doesn't
mind murder, as long as it means keeping her stupid baby safe and the murder is 5 miles
away.
A bunch of new vampires show up at the Cullen house to help fight off the Volturi, and
most of these new good guys drink human blood. Bella and Edward allow this because
the good guy vampires will do the killing in another town. Bella has one sentence to say
about this. Just one. She spends entire chapters discussing the beauty and significance of
magnets, but when it comes to murder, she's the queen of brevity, simply saying:
"The compromise made me very uncomfortable, though I tried to tell myself that they'd
all be hunting somewhere in the world, regardless."
I'm so sorry that this makes you feel uncomfortable, Bella.
Is she describing her thoughts on murder, or the way it feels when her sock bunches up in
her shoe?
Hey Bella, do you know what else feels uncomfortable? Telling your son that mommy
isn't coming home for dinner because she was murdered by "nice" vampires. Yep…I bet
that feels pretty uncomfortable, too.
Not only is Bella OK with these vampires killing innocent people, one of whom was
probably a grandma on her way to the mall to pick out a new purse that's she been saving
all year to buy, but Edward lets these vampires use his car to do their killing. Do
vampires need cars? And Eddie, while you're lending cars, why not give these killers a
map to the orphanage and some murder hammers while you're at it? Whatever. I still can't
believe Edward and Bella, the heroes of this book, think murder is neat.
Some may say, "Dan, there's nothing Bella can do!"
And I say, "Eat my sweaty hat, you fool." Bella never needed to be a vampire. She could
have told the world that vampires existed and saved thousands of lives. The Cullens
would probably be killed, but they've lived long lives. I wouldn't shed a tear if Esme
didn't get to see her 100th birthday, and though Carlisle is a doctor, the world has plenty
of doctors. Emmett is pretty cool, but he could stay with me in my room.
So don't tell me that Bella must let this happen. She doesn't. She's only going along with
it because she's in too deep and is too weak-minded to help humans. She made a foolish
decision to get involved with murderers, and I have no sympathy for her or her dumb
silly baby. People are dying! She is letting people die just to save the life of her goofy
baby, and I'll bet my eyes that Optimus is some sort of Forever Being who can't die, so
this whole thing is pointless.
But let's forgive Bella's hatred for humanity. Let's examine this ultimate plan. The good
vampires arrive, some from Europe, others from the Amazon, etc. It's not explained how
they get to Forks, but let's say they took a plane. Within a few weeks or so, the good-guy
army is assembled. It's war time!
These new vampires are so diverse and unique, with names such as:
Tanya
Senna
Tia
Zafrina
Tuba
Scuba
Algebra
Erotica
Cholera
Paprika
And so on…
Hey Miss Meyer, you do know that not all names need to end with an A, right? Whoever
told you that was probably just messing with you.
At least these new vampires all have deep personalities and are fully-realized characters.
For instance, Zafrina comes from the Amazon, so she "has a long face" and Tia has hair.
Wow. I can't tell if I'm reading a work of fiction or looking through a window.
Everything is so real. (Sarcasm body.)
Anyway, the vampires prepare for war. Neat, right? The stage is set. The good guys are
ready for battle. Tension hangs in the air like fat hummingbird. How exciting! Except for
one little problem.
Where! The! Hell! Are! The! Volturi!
Weeks fly by! Word is spreading throughout the world that all the nice vampires are
meeting at the Cullen house. The Volturi would know something is up. They closely
watch the world of vampires. They have spies and trackers to search for any and all
vampire news. Bella tells us that the Cullen Congregation is the biggest group of
vampires ever assembled outside of Italy. And yet the Volturi are still taking their sweet
time?
Zafrina came from the Amazon. She showed up in, like, two days. The Amazon! Do you
know how difficult it is to get a flight out of the Amazon? It's much harder than getting a
flight out of Italy, I assure you.
Are the Volturi crawling to America? Maybe they're digging a hole through Italy to get
here. Was their flight delayed for 720 hours? Did they get hung up at Sea World? That
could kill a few days, trust me. Perhaps they took a side trip to Pluto.
The good-guy vampires hang out in the house all day, and kill innocent people at night.
They don't seem to care about Jacob, which is so convenient that I'm surprised Miss
Meyer didn't write, "Oh, by the way, werewolves and vampires are no longer mortal
enemies because of this magic candy bar that Embry ate."
When not dating babies, Jacob sits in the back of the room, minding his own business and
allowing dozens of people to die in Seattle. Oh how the mighty have fallen.
During this time, while the Volturi are no doubt traveling to America on tricycles and
Segways, Bella wants to learn how to fight. Edward tries to show her a few moves, but
stops and says he can't teach her because he's a sadder. That's right, folks. Once again,
Edward won't teach Bella how to defend herself. He'd rather she get mutilated by
monsters than have to pretend-box his lover. Awww…how sensitive. Edward is a
wonderful man. (Sarcasm hammer.)
Edward, I'm sending you a box filled with fun things that are nice. When it arrives, open
it up blindly, making sure your face is directly over the top of the box. If you smell
boxing glove leather and a tightly wound spring mechanism, don't worry about it. Just
place your lovely face over the box, and open. Just do it. DO IT!
Bella tries to get fighting lessons from Emmett, but he's far too awesome to really help
her out and instead beats her up for the fun of it. Emmett, I'm sending you a box filled
with fun things that are nice, including poems I wrote about this other guy I know named
Emmett Cullen. It's not about you, though. Honest.
The other vampires teach Bella how to fight, while Edward is busy digging Bella's grave
and the Volturi are busy coming to America in a car driven by a timid student driver who
slams on the breaks whenever he goes faster than 14 MPH.
Kate, the vampire who can shock you with mind-powers, teaches Bella how to push her
shielding power outward. This takes up about 788 paragraphs as we watch Bella try and
try again to protect Edward with her mental shield. It's a lot like listening to a little kid
play the first four notes of "Mary Had a Little Lamb" again and again. You just want to
shake that kid and yell, "Finish the song, you stupid vampire named Bella Swan!"
Only after Kate pretends to threaten Optimus does Bella learn to push her shield outward.
After that, she can do it without much difficulty, and Bella Swan-Cullen becomes 67%
more perfect.
There's talk about a missing Amazon vampire, and Alice's master plan, but this chapter
pissed me off so much that I'd rather not mention Alice. It ends with two Romanian
vampires arriving. One is named Vladimir. I guess this is Dracula, or at least he's
supposed to be Dracula-esque. The Romanian vampires were once in charge of all
vampires, but they were overthrown by the Volturi, as Marcus no doubt screamed his
mighty battle cry, "My neighbor is cheating on his wife…with another man!" Marcus is
so very powerful. The Romanians don't care about Optimus. They just want a chance to
fight the Volturi. I like them very much.
There's a glimmer of hope that a huge battle will ensue, but I'm guessing the Volturi
won't get here for another two months, as they are likely traveling to America in one big
marching band parade. Marcus is their fife player.
Sorry for the rant. We're so close to the end, but like eating the world's largest
cheeseburger, it's these final few bites that are the toughest to swallow. I'm not sure I can
do it.
Prediction
Bella entertains her guests.
BELLA: Welcome to the Cullen house. I hope you'll find everything you need.
TIA: Thank you. By the way, I need to kill a few people and drink their blood.
BELLA: No problem. Just don't do it in town, because I have two friends and I don't
want them to die.
TIA: Cool.
ZAFRINA: Belly, I need to make a phone call to an evil dictator and give him valuable
secrets about America and its defenses. Where's the phone?
BELLA: Here. Use my cell phone. [Hands over the phone]
SENNA: Where do you keep your hack saw? I want to do unspeakable things to kittens.
BELLA: Hmm…I have a rusty butter knife. Will that do?
SENNA: Even better!
GARRETT: Ms. Swan-Cullen, I wonder if I may trouble you for a pack of matches.
BELLA: [Gives him matches] Here ya go. What's it for?
GARRETT: I like to burn hospitals.
BELLA: Oh. The hospital's pretty big. You better take more matches, silly goose.
QUIL: My girlfriend is so…wait. What the hell is going on here? Bella lets people die?
She doesn't care? And me and my pack of werewolves don't try to fight these monsters?
CLAIRE: I'm three years old. All I care about in the world are chicken nuggets and
Elmo. I believe in the Easter Bunny and mermaids. I am entertained by shiny objects,
songs about farming, and the alphabet. And even I think this story is ridiculous.
McDonalds!
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 33
Chapter Thirty-Three:
Forgery
Better Title: The Case of
the Stupid Mystery
Who is J. Jenks? Why

did Alice secretly
instruct Bella to visit
Jenks? What is Alice's
big plan? And when
we're all living in outer
space, will horses still serve a purpose? Some of these questions are answered in this
Nancy Drew-ish chapter.
I actually liked Good ol' Chapter 33. It's different than the rest of the book; baby dating
and condoned homicide are only hinted at instead of written about explicitly. It starts off
with Bella and Jacob taking Optimus to see Charlie. Because the Cullen house is filled
with vampires, it's not safe for Charlie to visit his granddaughter, so Bella offers to drive
the Wonder Child to him instead. Jacob tags along, because his relationship with Optimus
is healthy and suffocating.
You might be wondering why Bella, Jacob, and Optimus would venture outside on their
own, knowing that the Volturi could strike at any time and would easily destroy them.
That's because you're smart. I'm proud of you. Good job! I'm giving you 60 Dan Points
and a blue star. (I used all the gold stars to decorate my teeth.) But I don't have an answer
for your question. Let's say they're not worried about the Volturi because of…a magic
piano. Cool? Cool.
Besides, the Volturi are no doubt traveling to America via helium balloon bundles, and
won't arrive until Spring 2013.
When riding in a car with a three-month-old child, even one who grows at an alarming
rate and will one day grow up to be God II, you may want to use a child safety seat. I
know. I know. Optimus is an immortal being made of pure sunshine and custard. But if
you're trying to blend in with society, a safety seat is a step in the right direction. Instead,
Optimus sits on Jacob's lap.
So…um. Yeah. You're thinking it. I'm thinking it. We're all thinking it, but let's not
actually use words to express our feelings regarding Optimus' "safety seat," and let's be
mature and professional about all things regarding Jacob's lap. (Though when I read this
part I said, "Eww," so loudly that it shook my teeth and blurred my vision for 17 hours.)
On the way, Bella tells us that Optimus was intrigued by the Romanian vampires, the two
guys who once ruled the vampire kingdom before being overthrown by the Volturi. These
old dudes have a skin unlike the other vampires, and Optimus is the only Cullen brave
enough to ask, "Hey you, what's up with your skin?" Only she uses different words. I
wouldn't dare type the words here, because the speech of Optimus is so powerful and
beautiful that our mortal minds cannot comprehend the sounds and language. Like a
squirrel's inability to understand a poem, so too are we unable to process the language of
Optimus Beyonce. Praise onto her.
The Romanians told Optimus that back when they were in charge, they sat around all
day, every day. Sitting on their thrones for year after year caused their bodies to nearly
petrify and the result is an odd, craggy appearance. When the Volturi burned down the
Romanian castle, these two vampires were able to rise out of the thrones and escape, but
the other Romanian vamps were not so lucky, because they had been turned to stone due
to their sloth. Now the last surviving Romanian vampires want revenge.
How cool is that?! Old vampires turning into stone, and now seek revenge against the
Volturi! That's great! Why isn't there more vampire lore in this book? I'd much rather
read about the old vampire wars than witness Bella contemplate the meaning of a wind.
Before they arrive at Charlie's house, Bella tells Jacob that she needs to run an errand
while he's having lunch with Charlie and Sue Clearwater. Are Charlie and Sue having
special hugs? Sue's husband died and Charlie is a sad lonely man, so it makes sense. Way
to go, Charlie! Maybe if you have another kid, you could sell its tasty blood to Edward
for, like, a billion dollars.
After a short visit with her dad, Bella leaves Optimus and Jacob so she can track down J.
Jenks. The address she found online leads to a rough neighborhood. We know it's rough
because Bella tells us it has not only a tattoo parlor, but also a bar. Bella, run! You're not
in a town. You're in the depths of hell itself!
The address is for an abandoned building. Feeling defeated, Bella isn't sure what to do
next, but then she notices a well-dressed man sitting and whistling outside the building.
She rolls down the window and chats with the mystery man. Long story short, the
mystery man works for J. Jenks, and he gives Bella the address to a law office in a strip
mall where she can find the elusive Jenks. On the way, Bella brags about her driving
ability. BTW: I wrote, "And I don't care," after each and every sentence in this book.
Bella finds the office and finally meets Jenks face to face. And the mystery is revealed! J.
Jenks is really Mike Newton, who has been working with the Volturi all along! And the
Death Star is fully operational! It's a trap!
Kidding. Jenks is a lawyer who makes fake legal documents for vampires. [yawn]
I would say this is a letdown, but I've set my expectations to the point that if Jenks were a
plate of moldy bread, I would be happy. Vampires need forged documents, so it makes
sense that they have a slimy lawyer in their lists of contacts. Though I wonder why none
of the vampires decided to become a lawyer to cut out the middleman and make the
documents themselves without running the risk of exposure.
Carlisle couldn't do it because he's a busy doctor, and Esme, Jasper, Alice, and Rosalie
couldn't do it because they're busy playing online Uno all day. Emmett couldn't do it
because he's busy hurting the guilty. Edward couldn't do it because he spent a century of
his life in high school. Time well spent. If the Cullens ever need to know the Pythagorean
theorem or how to cite a magazine article, they can turn to super-smart Edward. High
school has trained him for the real world.
Jenks can provide all manner of identification, from passports to birth certificates to
Emmett's "Hunt Sharks With Fists" license. The lawyer does his business with the
Cullens through Jasper. He's never met the rest of the vampires, but seems to be afraid
and nervous. Afraid of Jasper? Really? Who would be afraid of Mr. Sideways?
Jenks asks what Bella needs, and at first Bella isn't sure. Alice never explained what to do
once Bella found Jenks; she just told her to seek him out. Using huge leaps of logic, Bella
figures that Alice wanted her to find Jenks and get Optimus a fake I.D. so that if the
Volturi attacked, Optimus could run away and roam the country under an assumed name.
Letting a baby wander the globe on her own is silly, so Bella thinks it would be wise to
also make a fake I.D. for Jacob so that he could raise Optimus and keep her safe if Bella
and Edward are (hopefully) killed. Hmm. Allowing your baby to be raised by her 17-
year-old boyfriend might seem like a good idea on paper, but I'm not sure it would work
out so well in real life.
All the arrangements are made for Bella to pick up the paperwork next week. Before
leaving, Jenks acts peculiar, possibly because he's worried that Bella will move sideways.
Bella asks what's wrong, but Jenks says everything is fine. Then Bella misses her
husband and drives away.
Meanwhile, the Volturi are slowly traveling across America in a conga line. They should
be here any month now.
Prediction
In the next chapter we catch up with Alice and Jasper
ALICE: I sure hope my plan works.
JASPER: [Sitting on the floor, making a drawing using markers, glitter, and pipe-
cleaners] Explain it to me again. And did you use up all my purple glitter?
ALICE: I used none of your glitter. This is the plan: I send Bella to see Jenks. Bella will
realize that her baby needs a fake passport. This will keep the baby safe.
JASPER: But what if Bella doesn't understand? Your plan relies heavily on coincidence.
ALICE: Of course Bella will understand. She's smart. She's read Wuthering Heights a
lot.
JASPER: Maybe you should have told her exactly what to do in your top secret note.
ALICE: But I'm a sneaky girl. (giggle)
JASPER: OK. But why didn't I just get the fake documents, like, a week ago? It's not
like I was busy.
ALICE: Because I'm a sneaky girl. (giggle)
JASPER: Got it. But isn't it risky to send Bella on a mission by herself when the Volturi
will strike at any moment?
ALICE: I can see the future, you turd. If Bella decided to be attacked by the Volturi,
then I would know it.
JASPER: I'm not sure I follow that logic.
ALICE: I'm not sure I follow your FACE!
JASPER: Well, I just made a decision. I decided that you're a skanky bee-yotch. Can
you see that future?
ALICE: Oh, I've seen that future...and this is what happens! [Alice rips up Jasper's art
project]
JASPER: Hey! I was making that for Mom! It was going to be her Valentine!
ALICE: Stop crying. You can make another one.
JASPER: Nuh-uh! Not with purple glitter. We're all out of purple! I hate you! I hate you!
I want to go home! My feet hurt and I'm missing all my shows!
ALICE: Shut up, Jasper. We can find you something else to give Mom for Valentine's
Day.
QUIL: Hey guys. Couldn't help but overhear. Let me give you a word of warning about
Valentine gifts. If you ask to see the Toddler's section at Victoria's Secret, the clerks will
be less than helpful.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 34
Chapter Thirty-Four:
Declared
Better Title: Baby's Worst
Christmas
It's a Twilight
Christmas! As expected,
Bella picked out the
perfect gift for her
child's first Christmas.
No, it's not a stuffed animal. It's not a toy kitchen, or doll house. Optimus won't be
getting a tricycle, a trampoline, or even a box of crayons. She won't find any toys under
the tree. None. Not even one lone Polly Pocket shoe, the kind that are so tiny because
they are made of only 18 atoms. A baby, even one who magically matured to the age of
3, wouldn't want silly toys. The world's wisest mother knew this and bought Optimus one
gift. A locket.
A locket isn't the worst present in the world. It has meaning. It's sentimental. Optimus is
so grown-up that she may even appreciate it. But come on! Come, the hell, on! Buy this
kid some Play-Doh! Get her one of those sexed-up Bratz dolls. Give her a princess wand,
or Hungry-Hungry Hippos, or some freaking wooden blocks! At the rate your child is
going, she'll be 34 years old by Labor Day. She has only weeks to be a child. Let her
have toys, you rich, precious, awful, awful, precious, awful, precious idiots!
To be fair, Optimus does receive two other Christmas presents. From dad, she gets an
MP3 player filled with Edward's favorite songs, because all toddlers love to rock out to
the slamming tunes of 18th-century chamber music. And from Jacob she gets a hand-
woven bracelet, which Bella says is the Native American equivalent of a promise ring.
How romantic! Now all the other toddlers at daycare are going to be so jealous.
OPTIMUS: Check it out, ladies! He put a ring on it!
JENNY: I can do a cartwheel.
BRIDGET: My hair tastes like snow because there's snow in my hair.
OPTIMUS: The theme of my wedding is going to be "Moonlit Beach."
JENNY: My cat throws up all the time, and then my dad stepped in it! [Uncontrolled
giggling]
BRIDGET: I'm a horse! [Makes horse noise]
ROGER: Hey Optimus!
OPTIMUS: Step off, Roger. [Points to her promise bracelet] This bitch is spoken for.
Don't hate.
ROGER: Wanna play blocks?
OPTIMUS: What the hell are blocks?
Edward isn't thrilled that his daughter is engaged, but Bella is happy because she knows
Jacob must raise Optimus should Bella and Edward be killed in the Great Vampire War.
It's a huge responsibility for Jacob to raise his lover, but you must remember that at the
rate Optimus is growing, Jake only has to keep an eye on her for about a month, and then
Optimus will be old enough to take care of herself. And then she'll die of old age by
October. So Jacob can surely handle it. It's exactly like taking care of your friend's fish
while he's away on vacation, except you don't have sex with the fish.
There's a small moment in this chapter when Bella wants to practice fighting techniques
with Emmett, but Edward won't let her.
Emmett is here? Hi Emmett! Hey Emmett, according to Google Maps, you live 2,931
miles away from me. If I don't make any stops for food or fuel, and sit on a pile of
absorbent kitty litter, I can make the trip in 48 hours. So I can be there by Sunday or
Monday. Oh…hey, did you know Monday is Valentine's Day? That's super weird, right?
Didn't plan that at all. I swear. OK, see you then!
Anyway, Bella wants to practice with Emmett but Edward says no. Huh? Not only does
Edward refuse to teach his wife basic self-defense, but she can't even learn some tips
from The Pain Maker? Why? I dare you to explain this. I double wolf dare you.
I don't know why Edward stops Bella from training. And Bella doesn't offer any
explanation either. I'd understand if she had said, "Edward wouldn't let me train with
Emmett because he's a horrible husband who would rather I die than make a fist." But she
doesn't say that. She says nothing and does as she's told. What a wonderful relationship
these two kids have.
After spending Christmas with her dad, Bella returns home and finds the vampires inside
having a murmur party, which is sort of like having an argument, except everyone is a
complete toolbox.
Alistair has left, saying there is no hope against the Volturi and it's better to run than to be
killed or turned into one of the Volturi's slaves. Amun also wants to leave, but his
boyfriend/slave boy Benjamin wants to stay and fight. Benjamin is the super powerful
young vampire who can control the forces of nature with his thoughts. If the Volturi are
after anyone, it's probably him, despite Marcus's whines of, "He's not so great. I can
connect four drinking straws together and make an Ultra Straw! And it only leaks a
little!"
Amun is very protective of Benny, and doesn't want anything bad to happen to his prized
possession. Amun says they're all doomed, while the Romanian vampires say now is the
time to rise up against the corrupt Volturi. There is a brief tiff, and finally Amun agrees
to stay, but drops a few hints to imply he will switch sides should the battle turn ugly.
Meanwhile, the Volturi are traveling across America in an epic game of leapfrog,
stopping often to take pictures of pretty trees.
Amun's fight leads to a long section of the chapter in which every vampire stands up and
says, "We are with you, Carlisle! We will help you against the Volturi!" It's dramatic. I'm
sure in the film, lush orchestra music will accompany these passionate speeches.
(Or Yakety Sax!) But is this really necessary?
These vampires have been here for weeks and weeks. Surely they had already allied
themselves with the Cullens. This is like a football team making it to the Super Bowl and
moments before the kickoff, the quarterback says, "By the way, guys, I just want you to
know that I'm on your team."
Stephenie Meyer is trying to make it seem emotional and important, but she's simply
rewriting the same events again and again. During the battle, I wouldn't be shocked if we
saw dialogue such as this.
BELLA: We must protect Optimus! Attack the soldiers on the left flank!
TANYA: I want you to know that I stand with you.
BELLA: That's terrific, but the soldiers are advancing.
ELEAZAR: I have long been a friend of the Cullens, and I too will stand with you.
BELLA: Neat. But seriously guys, we should be attacking the Volturi, not making
impassioned speeches.
SENNA: You have my support. As a child I saw the true cost of war and know that it's in
times of struggle that…OUCH! [Senna is decapitated]
KEBI: You can count on me to help you…[Kebi is bitten in half by a Volturi]
BELLA: Come on, guys! Just start fighting!
GARRETT: I will fight for you, Bella. The Cullens shall feel my love and friendship
during… [Garret is killed by Marcus' beach ball.]
After all the flowery speeches, it's clear that the vampires will stick with the Cullens, as
the Volturi travel to Forks via tightrope.
And then everyone goes hunting. This means Bella and Edward kill wild animals, while
the other vampires kill kindly old men sitting in the park. It's OK though, because the
kindly old men live 300 miles away, so there's no chance that Bella will know them.
Bella is a hero and role model, and her image should be tattooed on your body as a sing
of respect. (Sarcasm hand…which is tattooed with some killer tribal art, a yin-yang, and a
portrait of Batman wearing Robocop's helmet.)
While slurping down elk blood, Bella has a horrible thought: What if her shielding
powers won't work on Alec or Demetri? Optimus can use her powers on Bella's mind, so
it stands to reason that others might be able to punch holes through Bella's defenses.
Edward isn't worried. He thinks Optimus is the only one who can affect Bella's mind
because Optimus has the opposite power of …you know what? It doesn't matter. There
are only five chapters left. Let's just plow through this and then forget it ever happened.
Just like middle school.
Prediction:
Bella buys more presents for Optimus.
BELLA: I went out and bought our baby presents for the rest of the year.
EDWARD: Great! What did you buy?
BELLA: For Valentine's Day, I'm giving her a piano key.
EDWARD: Hmm…why?
BELLA: It's symbolic of music and the harmony of the world. For Easter, I'm giving her
a basket filled with my own breath.
EDWARD: That's nice. But she's been dropping hints about wanting a Nintendo Wii for
a while.
BELLA: Is "Nintendo Wii" the name of a glass vase? Because I was going to give her a
glass vase filled with sea water for the Fourth of July.
EDWARD: No. It's a video game console.
BELLA: Video…game? Is that some sort perfume? Perfume would make a lovely gift
for the Summer Solstice! Babies love perfume. Great idea!
EDWARD: Um…
BELLA: Anyway, for her next birthday, I'm giving her a single kiss on the forehead, and
next Christmas, I'll give her a jar of raspberry preserves. She may not want it now, but
when she grows up, she will truly appreciate the raspberry preserves.
ROSALIE: Bella, your daughter has picked up a dead raccoon in the woods and is
carrying it around, calling it "Baby." She even dressed it up.
BELLA: Tell her to come inside and I'll let her play with a cup of water and her own
shadow.
QUIL: For Valentine's Day, I gave my girlfriend a diamond bracelet. She gave me a
chicken nugget which she bit into the shape of a heart. She also bit a cookie into the
shape of gun and zapped me. Then she yelled, "Crashed Potatoes," and ran into the
basement giggling. I shouldn't have let her eat that cookie. Women...
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 35
Chapter Thirty-Five:
Deadline
Better Title: And then there
were five.
This is it, gang. Five

more chapters to go.
Five blogs away from
the finale. It's so close, I
can almost taste it, and
it tastes like electric
cupcakes. I started this assignment in May of 2009. Now, nearly two years later, I'm more
than ready to wrap things up. Do you know what it's like to have a teenage grump talk to
you for month after month about her wonderful vampire boyfriend and her horrible
perfect life? I'd rather eat olives. Honest to God, olives! Yes, I started writing, "I don't
care," after every one of her sentences. But that doesn't help. It only cramps my hand.
Luckily, this chapter is short. The J. Jenks nonsense is wrapped up, and the chapter ends
with the vampires standing in the forest clearing, waiting for the Volturi, who are no
doubt traveling to Forks via Razor Scooters. (Marcus, however, can't seem to get the
hang of it. His feet are too large for the slender metal board, so he's running after his
buddies dragging the scooter behind him while screaming, "Wait up, guys! Come on!
Guys!")
The J. Jenks mystery seems misplaced in the story, and slows down an already sluggish
plot. I understand that Optimus must be protected and needs a false passport if there's any
hope at all that she will escape the massacre. It's creepy that Jacob will become her
father/lover, but at this point, if one of the vampires shouted, "I want to make love to a
rooster," I wouldn't even flinch. But I don't know why this J. Jenks subplot is dragged
out. I also don't know why Breaking Dawn wasn't just 30 pages tacked on to the end of
Eclipse, but it's too late to go back now. I also don't know why it still feels like my
sunglasses are resting on top of my head when it's been three hours since I removed them.
My guess: Ghost glasses. (Kind of scared.)
Bella escapes from her master Edward long enough to hop in the Volvo and sneak off to
meet with Jenks and pick up the forged documents. She joins the sleazy lawyer at a fancy
restaurant, and the handoff is made. There's some talk with Jenks, but it doesn't go
anywhere, or mean anything. Maybe the Jenks subplot isn't so misplaced in this story
after all. SSSSSSNAP!
With the paperwork handled, Bella drives home in the dark night. She doesn't bother
turning on the car's headlights because she can drive faster without them. That makes a
lot of sense. Light waves emitted by the headlights would obviously have a negative
force on the car's momentum, similar to the way a flashlight will shoot out of your hand
the moment you turn it on if you're not careful. (Scientific Sarcasm Hand.)
I know. I know. Bella doesn't turn on the headlights because it would attract attention
from the cops. Cops can't see silver Volvos at night. It's a well-known fact.
Back at home, she notices the other vampires are out killing innocent human beings, one
of whom was probably a pediatric nurse who helped soothe frightened children about to
have tonsil surgery. That nurse lived 300 miles away from Bella, so it's OK that she'll
never see another sunrise or experience another hug.
Bella, who has so far equated the guilt of causing serial murder to a feeling of mild
discomfort, now comes out and says, "I tried not to think of their hunting in the night,
cringing at the mental picture of their victims." That's very nice of you Bella. Try very
hard not to think of the dozens and dozens of people being slaughtered because you
couldn't keep it in your pants until after you became a vampire. You're so very brave.
With the house to herself, Bella snoops around Alice and Jasper's room looking for cash.
She wants to send Optimus and Jacob off with enough money to get them someplace
safe. She finds thousands and thousands of dollars just lying around, and stuffs the money
into a small backpack/purse that Optimus can carry. (Kids are well known for their ability
to handle huge responsibility and thousands of dollars.) She also writes goodbye letters to
her daughter, Jacob, and her parents, and stuffs them in the purse as well.
She hopes Alice will be able to find Jacob and Optimus and help keep them safe with
Jasper's patented sideways maneuver. However, Alice's powers don't apply to Jake or
Optimus, so she won't be able to locate them easily. To help Alice, Bella thinks long and
hard about Rio de Janeiro, making a clear decision to send Jake there. She writes it down
in big capital letters, because I guess Alice is an idiot child who responds best to large
fonts.
Bella hopes Jacob will take up the mission of learning about vampire/human hybrids in
South America. Oh yeah! Optimus is still growing at a super fast rate and will probably
die of old age soon. She didn't receive medical attention earlier because Bella and
Edward were too busy having sex for three months to care for their daughter's health.
They are great parents. (Sarcasm spit.)
In South America, Jake can track down the mysterious cleaning woman who seemingly
knows everything about everything, but for reasons too complex for Stephenie Meyer to
explain, cannot be reached by simple telephone.
So the backup plan to send Optimus with Jacob is set. There's not much to do now but
wait for the Volturi to arrive. They should be here any day now, as they travel across the
country via bumper cars. According to Alice's vision, they will strike after the first
snowfall. When snow is in the forecast, Edward and Carlisle hang out in the forest
clearing, trying to lure the Volturi to this battlefield.
Bella, Jacob, and Optimus camp out in the forest too. The other werewolves are
patrolling the woods, willing and ready to chomp down on some bad vamps. My love of
the wolves grows and grows. Baby-dating aside, these furry warriors are dependable and
brave. Think about it: the wolves have nothing to gain. Sure, Jake ordered his pack to
protect Optimus, but Sam and the others are helping out simply because werewolves are
badass soldiers whose only purpose is to fight evil. I just wish they didn't fall in love with
children so often.
If the tables were turned, and the wolves needed help from the Cullens to fend off a huge
army of evil, do you honestly think the Cullens would lend a hand? Emmett might,
because his drug of choice is fist violence. But I can't see Rosalie jumping up and down
screaming, "I wanna help the wolf-people! Yay!"
Werewolves are great. But why do they have to love babies? Why? It's not fair! It's just
not fair to ruin such awesome characters. If Stephenie Meyer wrote Star Wars, Han Solo
would say, "My ship is the fastest in the galaxy, and by the way, I think girls are scary
and I live with my mom."
I wish I were a werewolf. All the calf flexing I've done in the past two years has left me
with nothing but sore legs and a beard. I guess that's close to being a werewolf. I did kill
a deer with my mouth last night, but I didn't feel super powerful and mighty. I just felt
sad…and sticky.
Bella pulls Optimus aside and has a heart-to-heart talk with the three-month-old baby.
She tells her daughter that there may be a time when she must leave with Jacob and run
away. Optimus doesn't like that, but quickly understands her mother's words, as she
touches the locket in a gesture so heart-wrenching it made me burp.
This section is quite sad and tragic…if I believed for one minute that Bella was in any
danger. Come on. I know Stephy Meyer too well by this point. There's no way in hell
Bella or Edward will be harmed in any way. Not even a paper cut will befall the woman
so perfect that if you say her name underwater, a legion of dolphins will swim towards
you, offering gifts of coral necklaces and gowns made of mermaid scales. Bella won't die.
She won't. I bet everything I have on this, even my secret recipe for peanut butter Corn
Flake candy.
Bella. Will. Not. Die.
And so this gut-wrenching farewell is laughable at best and sleep inducing at worst. It's
like watching a Bugs Bunny cartoon in which Bugs gathers his loved ones and says, "I
am about to be hunted by a short, angry, malformed man who has a speech impediment.
I'm not sure I will survive. I want you all to know how much I love and care about you.
Don't cry, for my spirit lives on in your hearts and minds. Farewell. Time to die."
We all know Bugs isn't going to die. Even if he's shot in the face at point-blank range, his
only injury will be a gun-powdered face and crooked ears. Bella is Bugs Bunny, except
less likable and much less believable.
This scene is a waste of time because there's nothing at risk here. This is why a good
story teller will actually set up real consequences for the characters. Not to belabor the
Harry Potter comparisons, but in those books you knew that any character could die after
the fourth book, because J.K. Rowling killed off Cedric. There was something to be lost.
Not here. Not ever.
The chapter ends with all the vampires standing at the ready as the snow softly falls. It's
dramatic and tense, and I hope that the next chapter actually includes a decent fight
instead of Bella telling us what it's like to touch snow as a vampire for 30 pages.
112 chapters of Twilight down. Four more to go.
Prediction
BELLA: My darling child, I'm giving you this backpack. Inside is a lot of money and
important information. Please be careful, dewdrop.
OPTIMUS: You can count on me, mommy! I'll be a super good!
BELLA: You are so brave and smart for a three-month-old.
OPTIMUS: Duh.
JACOB: So you want me to run away with Optimus…alone? Like, alone-alone?
BELLA: Yes. You will be her father and guardian, and I want you to…why are you
wearing that satin robe?
JACOB: Um…it helps me run.
BELLA: And where is that Barry White music coming from?
JACOB: My phone. The sexy sounds of B. W. helps me run.
BELLA: And why are you lighting scented candles? I suppose that helps you run, too.
JACOB: Yes, particularly the candle called Night XXX-tasy.
BELLA: And the coconut body oil?
JACOB: I thought everyone slathered on body oil when trying to hide. No? Hmm.
OPTIMUS: Mommy.
BELLA: What it is, my little snow pea?
OPTIMUS: I accidentally lost the backpack.
BELLA: What?!
OPTIMUS: I just wanted to see if it would float in the river. And it did. And now it's
gone. And I'm sorry. And I want Popsicles for dinner.
BELLA: But…but…the money? It's gone? And Jacob, why are you running an ice cube
over your body in a suggestive manner?
JACOB: Helps me run. [Looks at Optimus] Who's your daddy, princess?
QUIL: My girlfriend cries when she vomits because she thinks vomit is her organs.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 36
Chapter Thirty-Six: Bloodlust
Better Title: Forest Chumps
This is it! The battle is

near. The good
vampires have formed a
line in the forest
clearing. They wait
silently. Shapes glide
forth from the darkening
woods. The menacing
Volturi have arrived at
last, floating into the battlefield on a cushion of hate and malice. Tension drips from the
thick winter's air. This is it!
And then Aro, Caius, and Marcus emerge from the forest holding hands. *sigh*
It's not mentioned in the book, but I bet Emmett is laughing his ass off. I know I am.
Holding hands? That's how the mighty Volturi make their grand entrance into battle? It
wouldn't surprise me if Marcus were wearing a ribbon in his hair and licking a big old-
fashioned lollipop.
Hand-holding aside, I like Aro. He's a fun villain, one who is sinister yet charming. He's
like The Emperor in Return of the Jedi, or Lucky, the evil leprechaun on the box of
Lucky Charms. Though he only appears in a handful of paragraphs, Aro expresses more
personality in these short scenes than Edward showed us in four long books.
But holding hands? Are these super villains going to war, or are they catty BFFs having a
slumber party?
CAIUS: Hey Cullens, you want to play truth or dare?
ARO: I stole one of my dad's beers and I have ten straws. Who wants to taste it?
MARCUS: My stomach hurts. Can someone call my mom and have her pick me up?
ARO: Shut up, Marky. You just don't want to play Seven Minutes In Heaven because
you don't know how to kiss.
MARCUS: Nuh-uh! I kissed, like, ten girls last year at art camp. You don't know
because you weren't there. And they all said I was good at kissing.
ARO: Liar.
EDWARD: Um…are we going to fight?
ARO: We're waiting for you to get sleepy. The minute you fall asleep we're going to
write "Turd" on your forehead in permanent marker. That'll teach you to mess with us.
EDWARD: But I don't sleep.
ARO: Hmm…well, we're going to make you take off your shirt and then we're going to
circle all your chubby areas with a permanent marker! That will ruin your self-esteem.
EDWARD: I have no chubby areas.
ARO: We're going to egg your house.
EDWARD: Nooooooooo!
ARO: Bella, I dare you to kiss Marcus on the lips. If you refuse, we get to dip your hair
in toilet water.
MARCUS: Seriously guys. My stomach hurts. I better go.
The hand-holding Volturi leaders have the obvious advantage. Not only did they bring
the Volturi guard, but they rounded up a few random vampires to act as witnesses to their
unique brand of justice. Plus, they have Mighty Marcus. Bella knows she can't win this
fight, and thinks all hope is lost.
Good.
Sending Optimus with Jacob is out of the question because there are too many evil
vampires, and surely one of them would be able to track down the pedophile and his
lover. So….um, was all of that J. Jenks stuff pointless? Thanks for killing trees,
Stephenie Meyer. If she wrote The Lord of the Rings, the story would contain a few
paragraphs in which Gandalf writes love letters to Sauron just in case things don't turn
out so great.
After a few moments of awkward silence, Carlisle breaks the ice and says hello to his old
pal Aro. This leads to a conversation about motives and justice and vampires. Aro wants
to kill Optimus because vampire babies are illegal. Carlisle tries to explain that Optimus
is a hybrid and not a full-blown vampire, but Aro suspects trickery and doubts Carlisle is
telling the truth.
During this tense standoff, Marcus must be sending his brother important information
such as, "Bella really likes Edward a lot," and, "Bella does not enjoy volleyball very
much at all." Marcus is the most powerful creature ever to exist in a work of fiction.
(Sarcasm hand…that Marcus probably wants to hold.)
Irina, the evil b-word who ratted out the Cullens, is now standing with the Volturi. Aro
calls her forth and demands to know the truth: is the child on Bella's back the same one
Irina saw? Scared, Irina says she isn't sure, because Optimus looks older now. Caius slaps
Irina across the face a few times, and that's why I crossed out Irina's name in this chapter
and wrote "Dumb Stupid Bella" above it.
I won't lie. It felt good.
Aro steps in and touches Irina to read her mind. He sees that Optimus has indeed grown.
Now Aro doesn’t know what to think. He came here to kill Optimus and most of the
Cullens as punishment, but if the child is some super vampire freak, he wants to study
and learn from Little Miss Perfect.
Aro is still unconvinced, and demands that Edward comes forward so he can touch him
(giggle) and learn the truth. This causes Bella to lose her mind. She panics, knowing that
the evil Dakota Fanning could use her mind powers on Edward, sending him into a
seizure of pain. But there's nothing Bella can do because she's pathetic and I hate her.
Edward walks towards Aro, and Dakota Fanning smiles. This smile enrages Bella,
causing her to become 291% more perfect. The rage unleashes Bella's power and she can
now spread out her love shield to protect all the good guys and Edward.
This takes up a few paragraphs as Bella explains her newfound super-duper-duper-power.
Apparently she can encase the entire world and possibly Pluto in her shield of love. Then
she realizes Edward cannot be inside the shield if Aro is going to touch him and learn the
truth, so she lowers her defenses.
Aro acts cool as he chats up Edward. His dialogue isn't great, but he's such a sneaky
bastard that it's fun to see him interact with the lullaby lad. Smiling, Aro takes Edward's
hand and reads all of Edward's thoughts, learning the truth about Optimus. After
witnessing Edward's mind thoughts, Aro says he no longer wants to kill Optimus, but is
intrigued by her existence.
He asks to meet Optimus, and Bella freaks out again. Edward will only allow Bella and
Optimus to come forward if she can bring along two bodyguards. Bella picks Jacob and
Emmett, of course. This is as close as I will ever get to seeing my idea for a TV show
starring Jacob and Emmett called Jammet: Rocket Time Adventure.
Aro greets Optimus and she says hello. He's about to touch her hand to read her mind, but
since she's a Cullen, she'd rather touch faces, and reaches up to Aro's head. The leader of
the Volturi is impressed with what he sees, and tells his army that there has been a
mistake. The child is not a vampire baby, but indeed a vampire hybrid.
He then returns to his army, saying there is much to discuss.
Wait.
What? What the hell just happened?
There's a battle, right? The next chapter is called "Jammet: Rocket Time Adventure,"
right? Emmett is going to kill a bunch of bad guys, and Jacob will bite the heads off
Marcus and Caius, right? Right? RIGHT?
Oh God. Oh please tell me this wasn't the big fight. Please tell me that the final few pages
in this book are rife with blood and fists. I've been good. I read all the chapters, even the
one in which Jacob talked about balloons. I read the freaking balloon chapter! I did my
part. I choked down 670 pages of this drivel, all of which lead up to this war, the war I
was promised. The war I demand.
Now where the hell is my war?
I'm afraid to read on. I'm afraid of what I will find in the last three chapters of the
Twilight Series. I swear, if this story ends with Bella picking posies with Marcus while
Edward plays Clue with Dakota Fanning, I will…I will…be so angry…I can't even think
straight…I can't even finish writing…so angry...why are my legs shaking? Why are my
fingernails growing? My sense of smell has improved. My teeth are suddenly sharper. I
have a strong urge to stick my head out of car windows. My calves are flexing on their
own…
THIS IS IT!
Werewolf ahoy!
Prediction
Aro returns to his guards and discusses their options.
ARO: Listen up. The baby isn't a vampire. It's a hybrid. What should we do?
CAIUS: Kill it. No good can come of this.
MARCUS: Can I have some money for the vending machine? They have Cherry Coke.
Cherry Coke is viper!
ARO: Marcus, can you pay attention, please? This is important.
MARCUS: Did you know the girl on How I Met Your Mother has a crush on Zac Efron?
ARO: How can that possibly help us? And stop holding my hand!
CAIUS: So we will kill the child and then destroy the Cullens.
ARO: Hmm…that's one idea. What if instead of hurting the Cullens, we buy them a cake
with butter cream icing?
CAIUS: Why would we buy them cake?
ARO: Because cake tastes like dirt to them. They couldn't enjoy it.
CAIUS: Ok…but what about the hybrid?
ARO: We wait until she grows up, and then we write nasty things about her on
Facebook.
CAIUS: That might work.
MARCUS: If I use my own money, can I buy a goldfish?
ARO: No. You get too upset when they die.
MARCUS: Nuh-uh. I'll be good this time. Honest. Can I?
ARO: I wish I could kick you out of the Volturi.
MARCUS: But you can't because I'm so super powerful, right?
ARO: Yeah…exactly. Stop holding my hand.
QUIL: Hey guys, is this war going to take much longer? My girlfriend is making ketchup
sandwiches for dinner. It's her specialty.
MARCUS: Hey mister, I'm going to get a fish. It's gonna be viper!
QUIL: That's nice. Why are you holding my hand?
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven:
Contrivances
Better Title: Annoyances
Albert Miller is there.

And Allan Miller. Oh
man, that sounds like a
dumb name. After that
comes Allan G. Miller.
Followed closely by
Allen Miller, Allen R. Miller, and Allen V. Miller. Isn't that nuts? Up next is Alvin
Miller. His phone number has a 7 in it. More like "Al-Fun" Miller…am I right?
Oh, sorry. I've decided to stop blogging Breaking Dawn, and instead to blog the phone
book. So far, it's much more interesting and involved than the Twilight Series. I can't wait
to get to the B's!
I should finish Twilight, though. As boring and tedious as it is, it can't get much worse
now. All the bad, awful parts of the book must be finished and these final chapters will
wrap up everything, right?
Wrong.
So very, very wrong.
First the good news. I have turned into a werewolf. My anger towards these books ignited
my werewolf gene during the last blog and I'm now a full-blown werewolf. When in wolf
form, I am super strong, Ihave super hearing, I'm really good at basketball, and my level
of amazingness increases by seventeen units. It's great.
However, I did fall in love with my pencil mug. It was love at first sight. The mug is like
a balloon tethered to my soul. Never before have I experienced a feeling as powerful as
this. I love you, pencil mug! But I will wait until you are older before I kiss you. That is
sensible and romantic.
No one better mess with my beloved pencil mug! I will protect Mugsy (that's her
nickname) at all cost. I shall die defending my betrothed! She is my balloon! Mugsy, I
want to be both your father and your kissing-friend. It's not strange. It's passionate.
But even my wolf powers and inappropriate love cannot help me handle the awfulness of
this chapter. The chapter drags out the tension between the good vampires and the bad
vampires, and feels like the longest chapter in this book, filled with wordy speeches that
can be best summed up thusly:
ARO: The baby isn't a vampire, but could still pose a threat. Perhaps we should kill it.
GARRET: Don't kill it.
ARO: I will think about this.
MARCUS: I will help by writing insightful, viper tweets regarding Charlie Sheen's
relationships.
Caius wants to kill everyone and doesn't understand why Aro is taking his sweet time.
When Aro tries to explain that Optimus is a hybrid, Caius looks for other reasons to kill
the Cullens, such as their friendship with the werewolves.
And then this book takes another long trip down Wacky Avenue. Uh-oh. I'm starting to
tremble and my hair is growing at an alarming rate. Must. Calm. Down.
[Dan listens to Enya and rubs warm cotton balls on his belly.]
With two sentences, Stephenie Meyer changes her mind about everything she has written
prior to this. Remember the werewolves? Guess what. They're not werewolves.
AGH!
[Dan turns into a wolf.]
Hooooowl! Woof! Woof! Bark!
I'm Wolf Dan! I'm mad! I want to eat villains and my basketball skills have increased
significantly! Bark! Bark! Jetpack! Jetpack! Hoooowl! Woof.
Wait…am I a werewolf? If Jacob isn't a werewolf, then what the hell am I?
[Dan transformed back into a human to think this through.]
Edward and Aro explain that the werewolves are actually shape-shifters who could
change into any shape they wanted. Wha-wha-wha-WHAT?!
There are real werewolves. They live in Europe, transform under the full moon, and are
true enemies of the vampires. But Jacob and his pack aren't really werewolves. They are
shape-shifters. Read this paragraph a dozen times. It still won't make sense.
And now you can probably guess how I got this book-shaped bruise on my forehead.
"Convenient" isn't even the proper word for this shoddy prose. "Barfy" is more
appropriate. Had Ms. Meyer written Romeo and Juliet, it would have ended with Romeo
saying, "Oh, by the way, I'm not really a Montague. I'm a Richardson. So there is no
problem with our relationship. Also? My tears cure tuberculosis and my snot grants
wishes."
This is bad writing. Meyer is changing the story at the last minute because she's lazy and
thinks her readers are idiots. This is a story-telling technique used by little kids as they
yammer on about a made up tale, quickly adding in new bits of information as needed.
Example:
"And the dragon was really a rabbit and the rabbit ran away and then the princess got
married and then there was a magic balloon that she could float on because it was her
birthday and she had magic powers on her birthday and she went to France because that's
where the magic flute was and she was also a ballerina. And the rabbit's name was Stacy.
The End."
I wouldn't feel as angry if this plot point had been hinted at before, or even if it were
presented as the answer to a big mystery. As it stands, it's a throwaway sentence used to
plug a plot hole.
BOOK EDITOR: Why would the evil vampires let the werewolves live?
MEYER: Um…chromosomes.
BOOK EDITOR: You used that already.
MEYER: What if the werewolves aren't werewolves?
BOOK EDITOR: That sounds kinda awful.
MEYER: [Petting her evil crocodile] Do you know what else sounds "kinda" awful, my
dear? The sound of your flesh hitting the courtyard floor below.
BOOK EDITOR: You'd never! The fall would kill me. They would lock you up for
murder!
MEYER: Accidents happen, my dear. Accidents happen…
The werewolves are shape-shifters. What does that even mean? And if they could take on
any shape, why are they all wolves? You'd think at least one of them would choose to be
a dinosaur. I know I would.
So am I a werewolf or am I a shape-shifter? As much as I love werewolves, I'd rather be a

shape shifter. Dinosaur Dan ahoy! [Dan flexes his toes, desperately hoping that toe
muscles are the key to dinosaur transformation.]
If they aren't really werewolves, why do they act like wolves? Why do the respect the
alpha male, just as wolves do? Why are they so similar to werewolves? They look like
werewolves. They act like werewolves. Aren't they werewolves? If a man baked bread
his whole live, wouldn't he be a baker? Nope. Stephenie Meyer would call him a Flour
Sorcerer, and he would probably fall in love with a zygote.
So Caius can't arrest the Cullens for befriending werewolves because they are not
werewolves, and vampire culture has no laws regarding friendship with shape-shifters.
Huh?
These werewolf-esque creatures killed a bunch of vampires. Surely the Volturi would
find that reason enough to attack, even if the wolves are not true werewolves. If you're
fighting a war with Finland, and a Norwegian man kills your brother, are you going to
say, "Damn. I would attack that Norwegian man, but since he's not Finnish, there's
nothing I can do. Would you like some tea and biscuits, Norwegian Man?"
I expected more from the Volturi. But then again, it did take them 30 days to travel across
America, perhaps because they rode in hot dog carts pushed by strong wind.
Still looking for a fight, Caius calls forth Irina and asks if she thinks the Cullens broke
any laws. Irina admits that the Cullens are innocent and apologizes for misinforming the
Volturi and wasting everyone's time. Caius flashes some shiny object and the evil
vampire attack Irina, ripping her to shreds.
Good. At least someone dies in this book. But let's see if I understand the Volturi's legal
system.
If you tell a human that vampires exist, the punishment is a free trip to Italy followed by a
mild warning, super powers, and immortality.
If you are a wolf-like creature who kills vampires, the punishment is nothing, as long as
you're notreally a werewolf.
If you waste the Volturi's time, you are brutally torn apart and burned to death in front of
your family.
Hmmm. Seems fair.
Dear Makers of Angry Birds,
If the Volturi find out about your fun, addicting, time-wasting game, you have much to
fear. Come to my house. I will grant you sanctuary, as long as you make me a level of
your game that takes place in outer space and features cosmic dragons. Hope you like
spaghetti.
- D.B.
By the way, Bella's love shield is now more perfect than before. Not only can she
envelope all of her friends in this cocoon of convenience, but she can see her friends as
shiny dots of sparkling light in her mind…or something. I have no clue what this means,
but for paragraph after paragraph Bella describes seeing her friends as forces of energy or
warmth or some crap like that. I offer 700 Dan Points to anyone who can explain this
love shield crap.
Why can't she see her friends like a normal person? I can see my friends. I don't need my
friends to shine like a chemical fire in my mind. If I want to know where my buddy Griff
is standing, I look in his direction and then…whadyaknow! There's Griff. Hi Griff! And
then Griff and I get tacos.
Does this power of perception make me a superhero vampire? Am I a werewolf? Am I a

shape-shifter? I'm so confused. Mugsy, hold me.
Caius feels let down. He wants a reason to kill the Cullens. Aro, who is still a cool villain
despite his affinity for hand holding, has a more subtle way to detonate the fury of his
witnesses. He speaks to the vampires, asking them for opinions on what should be done
with Optimus.
Aro then dives into a multi-page speech about the need for secrecy. He looks to his
witnesses and asks if they can trust the Cullens to remain hidden from humanity, or if
they will eventually lead to the downfall of all vampires.
Garrett (the good vampire) interrupts Aro's pep talk. In another lengthy speech, Garrett
tries to convince the vamps that the Volturi came here to kill Optimus and are now
making up excuses for their justice. He tells them to either stand with the Cullens or live
for eternity under the corrupt thumb of Aro, Caius, and Marcus (giggle). It's a powerful,
epic speech.
And so the big moment of this book, and the entire series, has nothing to do with Edward,
Bella, or Jacob, and instead a little-known vampire we first met a few chapters ago gets to
be the hero. Wouldn't this scene have worked better if one of the characters we knew
made the impassioned speech? Hell, if Mike Newton showed up and convinced the
vampires of the Volturi's corruption, I would have felt something. Or if Emmett killed the
lot of them with a modified lawn mower. But Garrett? Who the hell is Garrett?
And am I a werewolf or not? This could really screw with my tax form.
Some of the random vampires run away. Most stick around to see what happens next.
Sensing trouble, Bella tells Optimus to flee with Jacob as they planned. Optimus says
goodbye to her parents and hops on Wolf Jacob's back.
It is not explained why Jacob doesn't shape shift into a giant hawk or spaceship to make
matters easier. But I assume the answer has something to do with chromosomes and
Stephenie Meyer's inability to tell a story without sounding like a hyper second grader
who just ate cake for the first time.
The good vampires huddle close together, knowing that Aro will soon give the order to
attack. I would say this was exciting, but the exact same scene has occurred 78 times in
the last three chapters, so pardon me if I yawn.
Edward says to Jacob, "Goodbye Jacob, my brother…my son." And with that, I rip off
my own foot and smack myself in the face with it until I forget who I am.
Murmurs: 6 (Book total: 103...double digits!)

Prediction:
JACOB: So I'm not a werewolf?

EDWARD: Nope.
JACOB: But I look like a werewolf.
EDWARD: You're not a werewolf.
JACOB: And you knew this all along?
EDWARD: Yep.
JACOB: This is shocking. [Jacob leans against a tree.]
EDWARD: Stop leaning on that whale.
JACOB: Huh?
EDWARD: You're leaning on a whale.
JACOB: This is a tree.
EDWARD: No. It's a whale. A shape-shifting whale. Stop leaning on it. It doesn't like
that.
JACOB: I'm confused.
EDWARD: All trees are really whales in disguise. Why do you think trees are so big?
JACOB: That makes sense.
QUIL: Hey, guys. Couldn't help overhear your conversation. Quick question. What
muscles should I be flexing if I want to transform into the ball pit at the day care center?
You know…just for fun.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 38
Chapter Thirty-Eight:
Power
Better Title: I Have No
Idea What the Hell Just
Happened, but I'm Left
Feeling Angry, Tired,
Cheated, Bored, Gassy,
and Weak
This is the penultimate

chapter. Bella says words. Edward is stupid. There is mention of love. And that's all I
really understand. Like many sections of this book, I went back to reread this chapter,
trying to figure out what happened and how the war was avoided and everyone walked
away like best buddies who promise to stay in touch until they meet again at summer
camp next year. After the second reading, I'm still as confused as a horse watching
LOST.
My only explanation is that my copy of the book is missing a page in which Bella
discovers a magician's hat and uses it to somehow wish away all danger. Or, maybe I'm
just an idiot. Or, maybe Stephenie Meyer got tired of typing words and randomly
shouted, "Done!" as she handed in her manuscript.
Here's what happens…I think.
Everyone is ready to fight in the forest. The Volturi are holding a short meeting off to the
side to decide if Optimus will ever be a threat to vampire culture. Meanwhile, Bella is
using her super shield to protect all the good vampires and werewolves. She's still seeing
people as dots of light, and I still think she is suffering from a brain tumor. Poor thing.
And then the only action in this entire book takes place. Evil Alec uses mean mist to try
to attack the good vampires, but Bella's shield blocks it. The good vampire Benjamin,
who can control the elements, hurls snowy wind at Alec's mist.
Let me see if I have this straight. After spending two years of my life reading these
books, flipping through more than 2,000 pages of drivel and cliché, I'm rewarded with a
fight between mist, snow flurries, and an invisible bubble?
Mist.
Snow flurries.
And an invisible bubble.

This isn't a war. This is weather. Are they trying to bore each other to death? Maybe
they'll ramp up the violence by attacking with shadows and drizzle. I've read school
reports on A Tale of Two Cities that were more action packed and dynamic than this
"battle." The Wikipedia entry on barns has a better, more satisfying conclusion.
Collectively, these books cost about $40. Give me thirty-five cents and I'll write you a
better, more involved climax, and if you make it forty cents, I'll even toss in a leopard
named Tito and laser-guided chainsaw. For $40, I expect…no, I demand there be a fight.
A real fight. A fight with fists, claws, and loud, wet crunching noises. I'm not even asking
for jetpacks. I knew in my heart there would be no jetpacks. But this?
Mist?
Snow flurries?
An invisible bubble?
Was this book written by an adult or a gaggle of 7-year-olds at a slumber party? I'm not
even pissed. I'm confused. And it only gets worse.
Alec's evil mist is blocked by Bella's bubble, and the good vampires sense they might
actually win this fight. They begin calling out who will kill which baddie. Kate wants to
attack Jane. Vlad is itching to kill Alec. Edward will go after Demetri.
No one wants to attack Marcus because that would be like fighting a baby penguin… a
baby penguin with a ridiculous and useless power. Marcus just hangs out in the back,
probably sitting crossed-legged and playing with his Star Wars figures in the dirt while
whimpering, "I don't even want to fight in your stupid war. Wars are for girls. Wars do
not make one great. Isn't that right, Yoda?" He then does his best Yoda impression and
says, "Yes! Viper are you."
Aro calls for a vote from his two brothers. Caius says they should kill the baby. Marcus
says they should leave it alone. And then Stephenie Meyer herself writes, "It was as if
Marcus hadn't spoken at all." Damn…even his own author thinks he's a doofus. Poor guy.
Aro is about to cast the tie-breaking vote, when suddenly Edward becomes really happy.
No, he didn't just think of a new title for his lullaby about a sleepy tree. He senses
something, and starts asking Aro pointed questions about this trial.
After some bloated speeches, Aro claims that if the Cullens can somehow prove that a
hybrid vampire is not a threat, the Volturi will leave. But Aro doesn't think this is
possible because Optimus is the only hybrid in the entire world.
Or is she?!
Nope. She's not. Thanks for reading these blogs. Hope you had fun.
The End
Oh…you want me to explain what happened? I don't wanna. It involves a certain
character that rhymes with callus, a character I loathe more than I loathe sunburns. A
character who is so horrible that I would rather watch the ending of a brutally honest
Hilary Swank movie than witness this character's perky face say things.
It's Alice. She's back. And I hate her.
This was Alice's big plan: Go to South America and find another vampire hybrid. She
then brings this hybrid back to Forks to prove to the Volturi that hybrids are nice.
That's it. This is what she couldn't tell Edward. This is what she kept hidden from her
family. Why? Why? Why?
I know Aro can read minds, and that's why Alice needed to be secretive. If she had told
Edward, "Brother dear, there's a hybrid that I will find in another country and bring back
to Forks," and then Aro touched Edward (giggle), Aro would know Alice's secret.
But so the hell what? It's not like this was a surprise party.
What would happen if Aro knew of Alice's plan. It might have actually helped. Aro
knows Alice is a powerful psychic, and would have wanted to learn more about this
hybrid before making any rash decision. Aro is a villain, but he's smart (sort of), and if
another hybrid existed, he would want to study and learn about these creatures instead of
assassinated an entire clan of good vampires.
So all the hidden message, trips to J. Jenks, family abandonment was worthless.
Completely worthless.
I hate Alice.
Oh…I forget to mention that Alice just happens to arrive during the thirty-three seconds
that Aro is mulling over his verdict. Had she stopped to get a Slurpee or tripped over a
rock on her way, everyone would be dead. Good timing, Stephenie Meyer.
The hybrid's mother's sister (you read that right) does the talking. She describes growing
up someplace where there were vampires in the forest and how her sister had sex with
one of these creatures and then became pregnant. The baby killed the mother during the
delivery, and then bit the sister, and now the sister is a full-blown vampire but the baby is
a nice and kind fully-grown hybrid.
This story goes on and on, because exactly what you want at the end of a four volume
book series is to listen to a heretofore unmentioned character explain things in wordy,
convoluted detail while the main characters who you've been following for book after
book stand around aimlessly. They teach you that in Story Telling 102. (Story Telling
101 involves tips on using psychic characters to move a lazy story forward, and Story
Telling 103 deals with shape-shifters and how it's totally cool to bring this up in the final
few pages of a novel.)
The hybrid interrupts his aunt and explains that he grew at a rapid pace until the age of
seven, when he reached maturity. He has stayed at this "age" for 150 years.
Two things bother me:
1. This means Jacob can have sex with a 7-year-old.

2. It doesn’t explain why hybrids need to mature fast. He just tells us what we already
know. What's the point? It's like reading a mystery novel that ends with, "That man was
murdered. Probably for some reason or another."
Another thing bothers me: This hybrid can turn humans into vampires, but not all hybrids
are venomous. (Convenient, no?)
But a vampire's powers come from the venom. This was explained in one of the books,
right? So if Optimus has no venom, where does he strength, intelligence, and agility
come from? Chromosomes, you stupid idiot. Have you learned nothing!?
And what's the deal with the werewolves being shape-shifters? With only one chapter
left, will this plot hole ever be discussed and explained? Some people have told me that
Jacob's pack can only turn into wolves. So, wouldn't that make them werewolves?
Anyway, Aro believes this full-grown hybrid's story and orders the Volturi to go home.
They will not trouble the Cullens again.
Huh?
You travel all the way to America's North West with your entire army of vampires, and
you decide to go home and play Xbox simply because some sexy stranger hopped out of
the woods and said, "Hybrids are nice and fun!"
Why would Aro believe this guy? And even if this hybrid is nice, that doesn't mean all
hybrids are nice. We know that some hybrids are venomous, so clearly not all hybrids are
the same. There's a very real chance that Optimus will grow up to be an evil witch hell
bent on destroying the Volturi.
The hybrid says his vampire father still lives in the forest of South America and is
creating all sorts of hybrids with various human women. (His dad must be hooking up
with women through Match.com.) The Volturi don't like this and plan to investigate, but
leave Optimus and this grown-up Hybrid alone because…um…the book is ending.
[Dan straps on his roller skates]
One chapter left. It's almost time!

Prediction:
EMMETT: Wait. What the hell just happened?
BELLA: Isn't it wonderful! The Volturi left and no one was hurt!
EMMETT: Well, Irina was ripped to death and then burned.
BELLA: My baby is safe!
EMMETT: And the Volturi are still a corrupt and powerful vampire dictatorship.
BELLA: My baby has pretty hair.
EMMETT: At any moment, the Volturi could make a move against not only the Cullens
but all of humanity.
BELLA: Look at my baby's tummy. Isn't it the cutest tummy in the world?
EMMETT: You heard Aro. He's threatened by human technology. Are we honestly
going to stand around and wait for him to declare war on the humans?
BELLA: My little snow pea, show us your twirl dance. Everyone, watch my darling
child do a twirl!
EMMETT: Not to mention the thousands of innocent people the Volturi kill in Italy.
BELLA: Who wants tummy kisses?!
EMMETT: I'm just saying that it's rather despicable for us to allow the Volturi to walk
away. We're hardly heroes. I don't even know why I bothered to bring my sledge hammer
and sledge harpoon.
JACOB: Hey, quick question: When, exactly, is Optimus' seventh birthday? I'm making
a motel reservation.
EMMETT: [Bows his head] I'm so sorry, Dan Bergstein. I really am.
Blogging
Breaking
Dawn: Part 39
Chapter Thirty-Nine: The

Happily Ever After
Better Title: Can I Be
Done Now?
And lo, the horror of

night is broken as
morning's sun silently
rescues the world from
the dark. I made it
through the end. I did it. And I could not have done it without you by my side. Thank
you. If my body were strong enough to cry right now, I would create rivers of tears as I
turn the book's final page. Tears of joy. Tears of anger. Tears of mild hunger. We made
it. Now let us celebrate by ripping this book apart good and proper while eating ice cream
by the fistful!
The evil vampires still pose a threat. Thousands of innocent humans continue to die.
Jacob can, and will, have sex with a seven-year-old. Jacob has no education, no job
prospects, no money, no future. Optimus will have no friends her own age, no childhood,
no friendly interaction beyond her teenaged boyfriend and family. Her social skills will
be stunted, like the strange kid in gym class who prefers to lick his own fingers rather
than talk to fellow classmates. No one learned a lesson. No one made a sacrifice. No one
changed.
But Bella and Edward live happily ever after.
Not much happens in the final chapter. I'm not even sure why I put on my Surprise Pants
while reading it. I shouldn't have expected anything substantial or interesting. So my
Substantial Hat was also unnecessary.
Everyone praises Bella for ending the war with her love shield. I thought the war ended
because it was fundamentally flawed and based on an illogical premise, but Edward set
me straight by explaining how Bella's shield showed the Volturi the power of the Cullens
and so Aro left. He just left. That's it.
Edward and Bella celebrate and think about the future. They laugh at the thought of their
child having sex with Jacob. Everyone has a good time, they chat, they smile, they kid
around, and meanwhile in Italy, a busload of volunteer workers are killed without mercy,
eaten alive by the Volturi. But hey…isn't Optimus adorable?!
It's hard to believe the Cullens let the Volturi walk away. The Cullens had the upper
hand. They could have killed the Volturi, taken control of the vampire government, and
set things right. Instead, they sit around and dress Optimus in new pink sweaters.
I've seen wallpaper that was more heroic.
The book ends with a great deal of love talk and murmurs. Bella has better control of her
love shield, and lowers her defenses to let Edward finally read her mind. Isn't it romantic?
It's so lovely and sweet. The perfect end to a perfect novel. (Sarcasm tears.)
And that's it. That's how the series ends. The last line is:
"And then we continued blissfully into the small but perfect piece of our forever."
I bet you $700 that line was written by one of those magnetic poetry word scrambles.
But it's over. I'm done! I'm free!
Murmurs: 3 (Book grand total: 110...but I may have missed one, so let's say 111)
Mutters: 0 (Book grand total: 59)
Murmur/Mutter Contest Winner

This might be controversial, but judging by the many people who entered the contest with
a guess of 111 murmurs and 59 mutters, I believe I missed a murmur. This also means
many of you are dirty, dirty cheaters who used computer programs and dark magic to
count the words. Still, I'm going with 111 and 59, and if you picked those numbers, you
are correct…cheater. As stated in Blogging Eclipse Part 27, in the event of a tie, one
winner shall be chosen at random. I threw a dart at my computer and the winner is…
Sweety1992. Congrats! Please contact the Sparkitors and we'll send out the drawing and
poem shortly. If you want the poem or drawing to have a specific theme, shout it out in
the comment section.
Prediction (Of Bella's fulfilling life)
Two Days Later
EDWARD: We saved the day!

EMMETT: Well, actually, we only saved one baby. Everyone else is still at risk.
BELLA: We are true heroes!
EMMETT: The Volturi will attack again, and in the meantime they slaughter thousands
of…
BELLA: My baby is cuddly!
QUIL: You know what's strange about writing love songs to a toddler? Not a damn
thing.
One Year Later

BELLA: Maybe we should get a house plant.
EDWARD: Hmmm…maybe.
QUIL: What-what! My girl be looking fine in her light up sneakers, y'all. Sexy. As. Hell!
Mmm.
Two Years Later
BELLA: Seriously, we should get a house plant.

EDWARD: I'm still not sure if that's a good idea.
ESME: Hey everyone, I just counted all the vents in our house. There are 24 vents.
ROSE: Neat! That's the same number of vents we had yesterday.
ESME: I wonder what it'll be tomorrow.
QUIL: My girlfriend wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up, or the Statue of
Liberty.
Three Years Later
BELLA: Everyone in Europe was killed by vampires.

EDWARD: Bummer.
BELLA: I wish there was something we could have done to prevent the massacre.
JASPER: Move sideways, perhaps.
ESME: Guys, we have 25 vents in our house! Though there's a good chance I counted
the vent in the hallway twice.
CHARLIE: Why don't any of you get jobs?
ROSE: Anyone want to play "Think of the Highest Number"? I'll go first. I'm thinking of
76.
JASPER: 79!
EDWARD: 93!
EMMETT: I hate everything about you.
BELLA: 17!
QUIL: My girlfriend was riding the swings with her "friend" Justin at school today. She
parades around the school in her sexy, form-fitting Dora the Explorer backpack. So I
called her a slut. She called me a fart. Why is love so hard, man? Why?
JASPER: 1,000!
Four Years Later
EDWARD: 21,934,991!
ESME: 21,934,991.6!
JASPER: 22,000,000!
CARLISLE: 22,000,001!
EVERYONE: Oooooooh!
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks Justin is so cool just because he wears a necklace and his
mom lets him drink soda. So I rang his doorbell and ran away. Love makes you do crazy
things.
Five Years Later
BELLA: Maybe we shouldn't buy a house plant.

EDWARD: You're right.
ESME: 24 vents!
QUIL: I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. Yesterday she came home wearing blue
raspberry lip balm. Wearing it! Usually she just eats it. She must be trying to impress
somebody. And her breath smelled like Sprite. Hmm…
Six Years Later
BELLA: This year I think we should focus on helping society with our many gifts.
EDWARD: Or we could spend the entire year listing all the things that are blue.
BELLA: OK…the sky. Smurfs. Jeans. My dad's hat. Some birds.
EDWARD: Did you mention blue crayons yet?
BELLA: Not yet.
EDWARD: Blue crayons!
JACOB: Hey guys. Is Optimus ready?
BELLA: Ready for what?
JACOB: Um…never mind.
QUIL: My girlfriend and I talked things out. I promised to respect her privacy and she
promised to stop hanging out with boys who drink soda and have cell phones.
BELLA: Blueberries!
Sixty Years Later
BELLA: If we did get a house plant, and I'm not saying we should, but if we did, maybe
we could put it in the kitchen.
EDWARD: You're wise.
ESME: There are three vents in the kitchen. Just sayin'.
OPTIMUS: Mom! Mom! I went outside today and saw these very tiny people
congregating around a metal angled plank!
BELLA: Those were schoolchildren, my dear. They were playing at the park.
OPTIMUS: Are they related?
BELLA: No. They're probably just friends.
OPTIMUS: F…fr…friend? Is that a type of bread?
BELLA: No.
QUIL: Do you know what the best part about an immortal teenager making out with a
sixty-three-year-old woman is? Everything.
And then everyone laughs as the Volturi enslave the world.
The End
Breaking Dawn Final Thoughts:

No.
Final-Final Thoughts:
After spending nearly two years reading these book, I'm still dumbfounded by the success
of the series. The first book wasn't horrible, but hardly the sort of thing that should ignite
mass fandom. New Moon had its moments, thanks to Jacob and the wolves, but it was as
boring as shampoo instructions, and half as funny. Eclipse exists simply to kill trees and
drag out the story. And Breaking Dawn is the worst book I've ever read.
I'm glad I read the books, though. It was fun writing about them every week, even if I
seemed miserable at times. Letting my feelings spill out on the internet help me stay sane
during the horror. And you guys made it a billion times better with all the hilarious
comments and support. I even enjoyed the hate mail.
Huge, huge, huge bucket of thanks and love goes out to my editor Emma Chastain for
coming up with the idea in the first place and for making my words more good. You are
better than cake. (And thanks for letting me write disgusting Quil jokes week after week.)
And a cyber hug to everyone at SparkNotes for making this happen and allowing me to
clog up their webzone with crudely drawn pictures of girls with spaghetti hair.
Let me leave you with a poem:
There Were No Jetpacks

Jacob dates babies, Edward's a joke.

Bella's as strong as a runny egg yolk.
Rose is quite nasty, Jasper's a bore.
Alice is worse than a cankerous sore.
Esme does nothing; is she even there?
Carlisle's only trait is the hue of his hair.
Emmett is fun, though absent a lot.
He must have been training the shark that he caught.
And to Stephenie Meyer, I do tip my hat.
You made billions of dollars with the world's biggest brat.
But you can't harm me now, I'm finished with you.
Go back to your castle, and your villainous zoo.
I shall read something better now. Something good filled with joy.
Perhaps I shall blog about a wizarding boy...
You are my life now.

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BLOGGING THE TWILIGHT SAGA

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PREFACE 8

TWILIGHT BLOG PART 1 (THE FIRST 50 PAGES) 9

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 2 11

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 3 13

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 4 14

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 5 16

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 6 18

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 7 21

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 8 23

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 9 25

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 10 27

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 11 30

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 12 33

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 13 35

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 14 40

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 15 42

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 16 45

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 17 48

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 18 51

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 19 54

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 20 57

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 21 61

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 22 62

BLOGGING TWILIGHT: PART 23 65

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 1 70

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 2 75

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 3 79

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 4 84

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 5 88

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 6 91

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 7 95

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 8 99

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 9 103

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 10 107

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 11 113

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 12 117

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 13 121

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 14 126

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 15 131

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 16 135

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 17 140

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 18 145

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 19 150

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 20 154

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 21 158

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 22 163

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 23 168

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 24 173

BLOGGING NEW MOON: PART 25 178

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 1 184

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 2 191

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 3 197

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 4 202

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 5 208

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 6 214

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 7 220

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 8 225

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 9 231

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 10 236

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 11 241

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 12 248

BLOGGING ECLIPSE: PART 13 254