Lecture-5: Muslim Family

“For thy Sustainer has ordained that you shall worship none but Him. And do good unto [thy]
parents. Should one of them, or both, attain to old age in thy care, never say "Ugh" to them or scold
them, but [always] speak unto them with reverent speech, and spread over them humbly the wings of
thy tenderness, and say: "O my Sustainer! Bestow Thy grace upon them, even as they cherished and
reared me when I was a child!" (Quran 17:23-24)

Family is the bedrock, cradle of human civilisation. Family gives mooring, anchor, stability and
tranquillity among the close blood related and other members. (al-Qur’an 4:1, 30:21). A Muslim
family has some unique features, eg, it provides a secure and healthy ‘home’ environment for its
members, it guards against passions of whims and desires and channelize them to wholesome
and meaningful pursuit, it proliferates human virtues, such as, love compassion, sacrifice,
justice, etc, and it provides a refuge against any difficulty. (Women in Islam by Aisha Lemu &
Fatima Heeren, The Islamic Foundation, UK).

Distinct Role of Family members

Family is the microcosm of a society and as such there are distinct role for its members. It is
incumbent on parents to provide their children with basic human necessities, such as food,
cloth, shelter, education and medical support. This is treated as an Ibadah for the parents. It is
also important for the parents to provide their children with love, warmth, compassion, etc. As
human being consists of body and spirit, parents must provide their children with the life skills
and spiritual nourishment. (al-Qur’an 31:13-19)

Children have their own share of responsibilities at home. (al-Qur’an 2:83, 4:36, 17:23-24, 29:8,
31:14-15, 46:15). There are many traditions regarding children’s responsibility toward their
parents. Bukhari and Muslim narrate, ‘A man came to Muhammad (pbuh) and asked permission
to go to Jihad. The Prophet asked him, “Are your parents alive?” The man said, “Yes”. The
Prophet responded, “Then strive to serve them.”

The rights and responsibilities inter-twined. One’s responsibility is the other’s right. Rights and
duties of husband, wife, parents and children are inscribed in Shariah.

Good Conduct in the Family

Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) has emphasised the importance of good conduct in the family. “The
best of you is the best to his family and I am the best among you to my family”. “The most
perfect believers are the best in conduct, and the best of you are those who are best to their
spouses (Tirmidhi). There are many more traditions on this. Prophetic examples need to be
followed. He had occasional lively, but innocent, fun and humour with his wives, especially with
ummul Mu’minin Ayesha (RA). (Tirmidhi)

Sharing Tasks
Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) shared household works with his wives. For genuine economic
reasons both the spouses might need to engage in financial activities. But rearing up and
educating children cannot be compromised. There should be frank discussion and consultation
between the spouses. Children need to be involved as and when necessary and also in order to
train them to become responsible in life.

Ingredients of a Blessed Family

Happy family brings a sense of belonging, anchor and root that build balanced personality to
contribute in the society. Unhappy family creates disaffection, pain and frustration that give rise
to broken personality, full of confusion. Distortion in family leads towards ‘distorted personality’
who could turn to be dangers to society and even to humanity. Unhappy and distorted families
have their own root causes. What are the ingredients of a blessed family?

Love
Love is at the core of family life. It is the gel that produces a rock-solid relationship among the
members. Love emanates from heart. Hearts join and create the fountain of love between
people. Love is imbedded in human nature and a gift from Allah. Human history has exceptional
stories on love affairs. Love for one’s own children is obvious. But love between husband and
wife, the two grown up people, needs nurturing. Pure physical attraction can not create love or
maintain it for long. People looking for a ‘family life’ can contribute to permanent love. They
have the best chance to succeed in their relationship. An Islamic vision of life in the family
makes love exceptionally rewarding. This needs Allah’s special blessing without which men and
women could be in the pit of fire (al-Qur’an 8:63).

Love should not be blind, except for Islam. Islam demands unconditional love for Allah and His
messenger, above anything else, including one’s life. (al-Qur’an 9:24). Love between parents
transmits to children. Children growing up in a family where parents lack minimum level of love
may grow up with emptiness. Love has external manifestation and that is natural. This should
not be so ostentatious that it creates public indecency. Ostentatious love in public is not
consistent with Islamic and human decency and as such deplorable.

Kindness, Care and Compassion

These tender feelings are at the heart of family and social life. Allah, “Most Gracious, Most
Merciful” (al-Qur’an 1:2), has created man out of His love and mercy and demands from us the
same.

Have mercy on those in the land, so that the One in Heaven will have mercy on you. (Sunan al-
Tirmidhi)

Allah is kind and He loves kindness in all affairs. (Sahih al-Bukhari and Muslim).

He who is deprived of leniency is deprived of goodness. (Muslim)~

When Allah, the Exalted, wills some good towards the people of a household, He introduces
kindness among them. (al-Musnad, Sahih al-Jaami).

Allah loves kindness and rewards it in such away that He does not reward for harshness or
anything else. (Sahih Muslim)
Children deprived of kindness and compassion in their childhood are punished for no fault of
their own. Parental indifferences and ill temper kill their childhood and may rob them of their
future happiness.

Respect
One who does not respect the elders and show kindness to the young ones is not among us.
(Hadith)

Human beings are the manifestation of divine will, with Allah’s ‘spirit in each of them, and as
such deserve due respect. Every human being grows up with certain traits of personality. Even
the twin brothers or sisters have unique characteristics. Respect for an individual is a natural
demand that brings reciprocity. We all learn from each other, even from a tiny baby. Every one
has opinion on different aspects of life. Respect for opinion and the freedom of expression give
rise to motivation and creativity. Of course, the formulation and expression of opinions depend
on family and social environment. Positive encouragement is essential to achieve these.

Even though family members live under the same roof, every one has a world of his own that
needs to be respected. As children grow older, they need to learn the etiquette of a Muslim
house. Islam teaches decency, and family is the first institution where they should learn them.
Islam requires members of the household to seek permission when entering into another
person’s room. Parents, of course, need to know what is happening in their children’s world, but
they should do this with full honesty and without being intrusive and insensitive.

Consultation
Allah (SWT) has commanded believers to conduct their affairs and settle their differences in
consultation (al-Qur’an 3:159, 42:38). It is illuminating that Allah (SWT) discussed with His angels
about His plan to create man on earth. This is mentioned in the Qur’an. Consultation is the
prophetic way of life, which Prophet Muhammd (pbuh) practised in his domestic and public life.
In order to teach his ummah of the importance of consultation he even decided to go against his
own opinion in the battle of Uhud.

Consultation produces confidence, trust, interest, mutual respect and team spirit in the family. It
enhances creativity and responsible outlook among members of the family. It gives a sense of
ownership in everybody’s mind, which is essential for any venture to succeed. It helps cure the
disease of arrogance and egotism. It is the pillar of successful Islamic social life. Consultation in a
family creates lively and dynamic environment. However, consultation needs diligence and
relevance.

Loyalty
Loyalty has relational aspect and a wider meaning. The minimum requirement in a family is that
husband and wife must be loyal to each other in their marital relationship. Infidelity is a grave
sin, punishable in harshest manner. While fidelity is rewarding in both the worlds, infidelity
brings suspicion, mental torture, frustration and a ‘hellish’ atmosphere in this world and a real
Hell in the Hereafter.

Compromise and Sacrifice

Family is about generations of close knit people living together, with shared space and other
material resources. Sharing itself needs compromise and sacrifice. Sacrifice has many
dimensions. Proper spending of time and wealth for the family is also sacrifice and in Islam this
is treated as worship. Sacrificing one’s opinion for wider benefit is also difficult for many.

Sacrifice starts from the conscious understanding of what it means. It is an inescapable

phenomenon in the world of creating human destiny, in Islamic work. Sacrifice is linked to self-
surrender to Allah and the fullest conviction for Islam. It is an essential Islamic training that
builds an individual’s character and personality in order that he plays a meaningful role on
earth. Sacrifice of the last Prophet (pbuh) and his blessed companions, in the wake of
insurmountable barrier, was the stepping stone for the ascendancy of Islam. The history of
mankind teaches one single message, e.g., sacrifice is at the core of victory.

Justice
Justice is at the heart of Allah’s creative design. The creation of Heaven and Hell is because of
this unfulfilled justice on earth. The Arabic words, ‘Qist’ and ‘Adl’, are very wider indeed. Justice
is inter-twined with Truth. Maintaining proper balance between rights and responsibilities is also
justice. Justice in the family does not necessarily mean equal share in everything for every one.
In real world, Justice means equitable and balanced dealings. Most importantly, dealings in the
family should not be seen as unjust, especially by the children. We may not be fully aware,
children are keen observers of what happens around them and what their parents say or do. It
becomes all the more important that parents become extra cautious in their behaviour and
dealings. Family is a mini-state and justice established there has impact on the society.

Openness and Transparency

When parents are open and transparent in their affairs, they have tremendous positive effect on
the children. This may sometimes put parents on the spot, but this is what it should be. Prophet
Muhammad’s (pbuh) personal and family life was in the full glare of history. If parents attempt
to hide some of their bad habits from their children, they have serious negative consequences
on the children’s personality. Muslim parents cannot play the role of Jekyll and Hyde.

Islamic Ethos
Establishment of an Islamic ethos in the house is the parental responsibility. Children do
contribute to that, according to their age and maturity. When rituals and spirit of Islam are
consciously cultivated and practised in a family, they create a dynamic and happy environment
where each member guards the other from evil. This gives rise to a positive learning atmosphere
in the society.

Together Towards Paradise

Virtue proliferates in a righteous family where husband and wife lead a meaningful Islamic life
(al-Qur’an 33:35). They protect each other (al-Qur’an 9:71). Everyone in the family contributes
to the blissful atmosphere. Blessed Muslim families contribute to the blessed societies and
ultimately the ummah of purpose. In a cautious and responsible family no one can fall through
the net. Every one watches out so that no one is lost in pitfall (al-Qur’an 66:6). Supplication for
children by the parents is rewarding. Allah likes this. This is a prophetic practice. It creates love
and respect for each other. The Qur’an and Hadith books contain many supplications of this
nature.
Questions:

1. What is meant by ‘family is the bedrock, cradle for human civilisation?

2. What is meant by ‘rights and responsibilities are intertwined’ with regard to family?
3. What is implied by 'the best in conduct'?
4. Elaborate ‘virtue proliferates in a righteous family’.
5. What is the difference between the love for Allah and the love between husband and
wife? How are they connected?
6. " Parents, of course, need to know what is happening in their children's world." Why is
this important and how is this linked to respect?
7. Give a list of the positive outcome and effects of having consultation in a
family.
8. Give 5 examples of important situations in which parents have to exercise justice.
9. How and why does lack of openness and transparency from parents have serious
negative consequences on the children's personality?
10. Give 10 ways of establishing an islamic ethos in the house.
11. Give a few references in the Quran for supplication for children.