Revelations - 13

Contemplating the conundrum of how to stay in one place while I drove around aimlessly
wasn'tparticularly helpful, yet I didn't want to go home. I was stalling, waiting as long as I could
beforewalking into the arguments that I was sure to be the center of when I got home.
They all knew now that Bella had found out the truth.
I suppose it could look cowardly of me to postpone my inevitable return home. Perhaps the
fact
that I didn't care if Rosalie trashed my Vantage meant that my mental health was in question,
but
in truth, I was just tired of fighting. I didn't want to listen to their thoughts, annoyances,
accusations, or worry. Ever since I met Bella I'd been in a civil war. Almost entirely an internal
war, and I was both the enemy and the ally.
This mental exhaustion was beyond anything I'd ever experienced as a vampire. It didn't
seempossible, yet I couldn't escape the feeling. There was no alternative besides this. The war
mightnever end and I would have to learn to live with that.
Regardless, I couldn't stay away all evening.
I turned the car around and drove quickly home to make my nightly appearance, knowing that
soon I would leave again, to take solace in Bella's dreams. Although a part of me still felt
voyeuristic, I couldn't find any other moment of rest, other than when I watched her sleep.
Besides, staying away wasn't possible.
I was a sick twisted infatuated vampire, trying not to annihilate my reason for existing while I
watched her sleep, and telling myself that I was there to 'protect' her.
I shook my head in disgust, and as I got closer to the turn off, I caught the tone of each of my

family members minds, divided all because of me.

"Rose« Babe, she had to figure it out sometime. It won't help wrecking the car."

"I'm not wrecking it, Emmett. I'm just taking what is mine." The jerk would deserve it even if I

did
wreck his precious car.
I moved my attention to Esme's mind as she was looking out the back window toward the
garage
where Rosalie was disassembling my Aston Martin. Poor boy. Going through all that he has
and
Rose has to do this. "Alice?" Esme said aloud, "are you sure we shouldn't« intervene?"
Alice shook her head. "Trust me. Our lives will be easier if we leave her alone right
now." Alicedidn't bring to mind what vision had made her assure everyone that letting Rosalie
disassemblemy car was the best outlet for her anger, but I did see her newest vision. Rosalie
ignoring me. Icould live with that. That, in itself, was almost worth losing my car. I could always
buy a newsports car, and it wasn't like I had a chance to use it much.
He deserves better than that. He's trying so hard. Esme thought, but Rosalie wasn't ruining it.
No,
she was just taking it apart piece by piece to get to the tiny oil pressure sending unit that I'd
lether replace 5 years earlier. Parts of, not only the engine, but the interior, hood, seats, tires,
andanything that could be removed without damage were scattered over the lawn.
It was a depressing sight.
Though Rosalie's voice was even as she answered Emmett's questions, she was still angry. Her
thoughts were smug through the anger and somewhat victorious as she took back what was
hers
in the most inconvenient way possible. Self-centered as always, I tried to ignore what was
happening outside and listened to the more important discussion indoors.
Jasper's unsaid thoughts where angry as well. And Edward thought Emmett and I were
reckless.
How long do we let her stay human when she knows too much as it is? I'd known how upset
Jasper and Rosalie would be when they knew that Bella had found out, but it was too late to
give
them the prepared speech I'd come up with.
I was surprised when I realized thatJasper was preparing his own speech. It wasn't like him to
bring a topic of argument up. I was suddenly apprehensive and sped up as I followed the
winding
driveway.
"Every moment she spends with him puts us at risk, Carlisle,"Jasper said aloud. "They have
been
seen together, and if this ends badly there are sure to be questions." His thoughts were
calculating
and logical, but he mainly felt protective of Alice. Worrying about her sadness if her new best
friend died before she even got to be introduced.
"You see!" Rosalie screeched from the backyard as she tossed another screw into the grass."We
should have dealt with her when we had the chance!" She'd heardJasper of course and her
mental
insults were punctuated with a clank as she tossed the muffler onto the hood of my Vantage
that

was only a few feet away from the river bank.

Esme watched Rosalie's progress in disbelief, as I speed up to the house.

"That wouldn't have helped, Rosalie," Carlisle assured her evenly, speaking just loud enough so
she could hear him. "He's falling in love with her just as Alice predicted, and Bella would have
had
to find out the truth at some point."
"I wasn't referring to killing her, but you must see, Carlisle,"Jasper went on, "That he is not
strong enough to change her. If he tried, he would fail and she must be changed soon. It is the
safest way to proceed." Leave no evidence.
That was whyJasper was arguing with Carlisle. He was trying to convince Carlisle to turn her.
I remembered the vision of Bella, pale with red eyes again. Her expression fathomless, forced
into
a soulless existence because of my own stupidity.
"NO!" I shouted. He wouldn't do it, I couldn't let anyone do that to her. I stopped the car in
front
of the house, jumped out, and raced inside.
Carlisle heard me coming and knew that I'd caught the last part of their conversation. He held
his
hand up to me, his face was full of concern. I saw my own panicked expression reflected in his
eyes. Let me finish speaking, Edward. He thought quickly and then said, "Bella's transformation
is
between Edward and herself. We have no right to force either him or her to make that
decision."
I felt easier at his words, but the tension did not leave my limbs.
Calm down, Edward,Jasper thought as he sensed the anxiety rolling off of me, You must see
that
it's the easiest way.
"Easiest for who?" I looked at him pointedly. "You can keep your distance. I'm not going to
take
her life away just for convenience."
Jasper turned to Alice and asked, "What is the likely-hood of Bella surviving Saturday?"
"Hopefully, not much," Rosalie muttered as she tossed a wrench to Emmett.
"Rosalie«" Esme said sternly, turning back to look through the window, "I don't want to hear any
more from you. You're getting your part back and after this you won't say another word about
Edwardor Bella."

Rosalie nodded, and didn't say anything more, but I knew she'd prefer Bella's death than have
herjoin our family at this moment in time. Her reasoning was utterly ridiculous though and I
brushedher thoughts away like the toothless insults that they were.
Alice glared toward Rosalie for a moment before her eyes glazed over as she concentrated. I
saw
in her mind again the meadow with Bella looking at me and sunshine on us both. Rainbows
danced
across her face, her eyes were deep pools of wonder, then the vision was hazier, more blurry. It
was hard to see it clearly, but I was almost sure that in the vision my ear was pressed to Bella's
heart. I gasped, how could I be so close to her? Was that right? The possible futures blurred
through Alice's mind, my reaction effecting them.
But I couldn't be sure of what I'd seen. Could that really be a possibility? I was suddenly elated
and equally devastated, because Iwasn't strong enough. The blurry futures so jumbled by my
own
insecurity showed the possibility of her death as well. One minute I'm close to her and the next
she's lifeless, broken in my arms.
No, that wouldn't happen. I shook my head, the internal war raged on and I saw the visions
again
swirling in Alice's mind, now Bella was leaning against me. Like a bird trapped in the claws of
a
tiger, I told myself.
I couldn't speak.
Carlisle and Esme watched me curiously, puzzling over the conflicting expressions that played
across my face.
Jasper was weighing Alice's feelings of growing confidence, as well as sensing my own
conflict
while the visions played out.
When Alice looked atJasper again she said, "There's still a chance of course, but Edward is
getting

more sure that he won't hurt her. The odds are definitely better. Maybe 70/30 that she lives."

I groaned, that wasn't good enough.

She looked at me and silently apologized. I'm sorry about earlier. I freaked out, but it's

changing
all the time. I don't think you will hurt her. You must be doing something right.
Yes, the thing that I was doing right wasattempting to make no mistakes. The only problem is
knowing what thingsar e mistakes. I thought of earlier today when I'd touched her face. Even
the
memory made my hand tingle,that had been a mistake, so how could the visions Alice had just
had of my being close to hernot be mistakes too?
I was suddenly aware of Esme's beaming face. Can it be? Esme thought, It will work out«I'm
so
glad. What a sweet girl she must be« She still wants to spend time with him« of course she
would.
Half of myself rejoiced along with Esme and the other half as always tried to explain why it
was so
wrong. I read my own euphoric and despairing feelings inJasper's mind as he thought of is own
confidence in Alice, but he knew as well as I did how quickly the future could change from
one
snap decision. And that's what the problem was.
"Is her smell less appealing to you then?" Carlisle asked, curious as usual. Or have you simply
gained more strength by resisting?
"No," I admitted feeling ashamed again, "But I have noticed that it's easier to resist and ignore
my
instincts when I'm around her often."
Ah, of course. Carlisle nodded. Just as I learned to resist.
I wanted to roll my eyes, but didn't want to be rude. What he'd learned to endure was far
beyond
what I was capable of, but it did give me hope.
Emmett entered the room just then, since, apparently, Rosalie was finished using him as a tool
rack. "Hey, sorry about the car, Edward," he said quietly. I'll help you put it back together if
you
want. He told me in his mind so that Rosalie wouldn't hear his promise. Or I could get you a
Vanquish. The top speed is one-ninety. He grinned at the thought of an even more powerful
sports
car. Only, don't tell Rose it was my idea.
"Don't worry about it." I shrugged, answering all his thoughts at once. A disassembled car was
theleast of my worries at the moment. Perhaps I'd donate the parts to some college or trade
schooland give the mechanic students something memorable to put together. And a new faster
carwouldn't do me much good when Bella could barely stand it when I drove at a hundred. I
wantedto have her with me more than I wanted another toy.
Alice smiled and waved her tiny hand at me. "So if you don't care about the car and Bella's
safer
the more you get used to her, then what are you doing here? You'd better go get used to Bella
some more." The sooner you gain some confidence the sooner I'll get to talk to her!
Emmett chuckled. Self-torture« yep« just like a mad-man.
This is wonderful«Perhaps a new car for a wedding gift«
"What?" I said involuntarily, my progress to the door halted immediately. Esme's forward
thinking

was a little too much for me.

"Oh, sorry« I'd talked to Alice before, and« it's a possibility," she said sheepishly.

"Alice«." I said tentatively, not sure if I should be angry or not, knowing how she couldn't

seem to
help herself from getting caught up in visions of the future.
"Hey, don't worry about it." Alice waved at me again, guessing what Esme must have thought
about. She danced to my side, pushing me back toward the door. "You just go and smell Bella
some more for me and everything will be fine, you'll see." Her tinkling laughter mixed in with
her
words.
Hey, whatever floats your boat. Emmett was chuckling at his interpretation of what our
unexplained conversation could have meant and at my expression as Alice shoved me. My
shoes
were slippery enough on the hard floor that I was sliding slowly backwards, my body was still
ridged from the shock of Esme's thoughts.
I stared into the faces of my family for a moment- all but Rosalie of course who was very
pointedly
trying not to think about me as she put her tools away. The doubts and fears and pride and
confidence and humor in their varied minds, just compounded my own internal struggle. Yet, I
knew where I wanted to be and what I wanted to be doing.
Carlisle smiled at the indecision on my face. His thoughts were only slightly concerned, wanting
me to be happy, but he simply said, "Go to her."
It was the only thing I needed to hear right then. Turning, I raced out the door. Before I'd made
itto the bottom of the stairs, however, I heard them making bets for Saturday on if I'd bring
Bellaback alive or not. I groaned inwardly.
No mistakes. I vowed again.
As I moved through the damp wood, I wondered how it was possible that each night when I ran
away from my family and all that was familiar, every step closer to Bella felt more like home.
The
magnetic pull, growing stronger just as I'd sensed before, was equally frightening as it was
wonderful.
She was already asleep when I reached her house and I quickly moved from the shadows of the
forest, climbing up to her window and inside her room noiselessly.
There was something wrong tonight. Though her face remained calm, not a single worried line
taking away any of the peace from her face, she was obviously restless. She tossed and turned,
and several times she startled herself awake, though her eyes didn't ever stay open long enough
to focus on anything around her. Her sleep was so important to her health and it bothered me
that
I couldn't do anything to help her sleep.
I kept a careful distance, knowing it was wise, but struggling with every thought I had of how
to
calm her. Each thing that I came up with, stroking her hair, singing to her, all were tainted by
who
I am. She would recoil at my touch, or anything I did would shock her awake. Finally, after too
many hours of tossing, Bella fell into a deeper, dream filled sleep.
Looking again at the stack of books near her bed, I finally felt brave enough to move closer to
see
them, or perhaps my curiosity was finally too much to handle. I held my breath and forced
myself
to only look at the books and not at her as I bent to retrieve the stack. I felt an odd relief as I
held
the tattered books that I'd been eyeing for so long. Before I was overcome with the desire to
move
even closer to her, I swiftly carried the books to the rocking chair and then allowed myself to
breathe and look at her again. She was still deeply asleep, her tangled hair was the only
evidence
of how she'd tossed previously.
Her scent hit me again as I let myself breathe, but it was becoming more tolerable. The pain
scorched my throat, I had the stack of books to distract me. Emmett was probably right. It was
insanity to put myself in this fire every night, trying to desensitize myself, yet what was the
alternative? The more I burned, the safer Bella would be. Many people would have thought the
same of Carlisle when he began practicing medicine, and I forced myself to remember that
hope.
What was she interested in? Whuthering Heights,Shakespeare, and the complete works ofJane
Austin, the same worn copy that I'd seen her reading before. These three were all at the top of
the
stack and seemed the most used. Under them, I was surprised to see Sophie's world - a novel of
the history of philosophy. It looked almost new compared to the other books, and I was
surprised
that had a book that I'd never even heard of. I decided I'd have to read it some other night while
I
watched over her sleep.
What other books were in her head? A poetry collection of Emily
Dickinson andTennyson. These I
knew well, and as I gazed at her hair tangled across her pillow and, as I thought of the Lullaby
that she'd inspired, I remembered a line from Tennyson. There is sweet music here, that softer
falls than petals from blown roses on the grass, or night-dews on still waters between walls of
shadowy granite, in a gleaming pass. I closed my eyes and thought of the meadow I was going
to
take her too and of Alice's most recent vision, blurry though it was. I inhaled deeply, willing
myself
to grow stronger, more accustomed to her scent.
After I finished looking at all the other titles and took note of their variety, I carefully placed
the
stack back on the floor by her bed exactly as I'd found them. Then I walked around to her
nightstand to look at the stack of CD's.
I was closer to her now than I'd ever allowed myself to be during my nightly visits. She was on
herside facing toward the nightstand, and the urge to touch her face, as I had done only once
before,felt overwhelming. My hand tingled again and I moved quickly back to the rocking
chair before Icould read the titles on the CD cases.
No mistakes.
I couldn't touch her now and risk her waking up. I would just have to be patient and go very,
veryslowly. Losing control even if it was just wanting to be closer to her wasn't acceptable, and
I knewI needed more practice being near her.If being close to her wasn't a mistake in itself.
Why did love have to be so complicated?
Knowing what her favorite music is will just have to wait for my questions tomorrow. I smiled
at
the thought of finally being able to ask her all the questions that had been burning in my mind.
For the rest of the night I sat in the rocking chair and compiled my list so that I'd be ready
when Ipicked her up for school. The real question that I always had in the back of my mind I
wouldn't beable to just ask her. Knowing how she thought, the tone of the voice in her head,
was probablysomething I could never experience, but perhaps I could somehow ask enough
specific questionsto piece together what her mind might sound like.
If only I could hear it myself.
How many minds did I wish I could block out forever and the one person that I would give
anything to just get a glimpse into the inner workings of her mind was, apparently, forever
barred
from me.
Some people thought in linier ways, and other people thought disjointedly or like they were
finding
their way through a maze. I wondered how her mind worked, trying to imagine the sound.
Would
her minds voice sound like? Her speaking voice? She always said so little in school and yet her
expressions said so much more than her mouth, and whenever she did speak it seemed that
everything she said surprised me. Whatwas her process of thought?
The night passed quickly as I mused and thought of ways to encourage her to speak her mind.
Iwas ecstatic when the morning light filtered through the fog, brightening her room. Once I
heardCharlie stir, I knew it was time to leave her side.
I ran home, changed, and quickly drove my car back to Bella's house, arriving just as Charlie
washeading out the front door. I waited where he wouldn't notice me, until he drove out of
sight andparked where the cruiser had been.
I saw Bella sneak a peak out her window, and laughed at the surprised look on her face. Hadn't
she figured out by now that I was unable to stay away from her? I thought about knocking on
her
door so I could properly escort her to the car, but also didn't want to rush her if she wasn't
ready
yet. After all, she'd still been in bed just a short time ago.
Before I had time to wonder what the proper etiquette for our newfound situation was, Bella
wasshutting the door and making her way to the car, while I tried to remind myself to tone
down myenthusiasm and ordered my list of questions with the easiest ones first.
She paused before opening the passenger door. It reminded me of how I'd scared her
yesterdaywhen she asked why she couldn't see me hunt, but today was my turn for questions
and I wasgoing to make her feel as safe as possible.
"Good morning," I said, my non-scary voice forced, it came easily around her. I smiling at her
expression as she took her seat. She was staring at me with those wonder filled eyes again, like
she was still waiting for me to disappear. I looked over her face, seeing the tiredness that was
inevitable after the way she'd tossed and turned last night, "How are you today?" I added.
"Good, thank you," she said, and her face brightened as she smiled at me.
I was worried about the circles under her eyes. I wished I could help her sleep more soundly,
wondering again if singing the song that she'd inspired would help. But, she'd have to know that I
was there, and it seemed unlikely that she'd appreciate my nightly vigilance. No matter how
often
I heard her say my name as she slept, I couldn't believe she'd actually appreciate the idea of me
watching her each night. I stared at the circles under her eyes again and wondered what she had
dreamed of that kept her from sleeping deeply. Maybe the dreams of me weren't exactly peaceful
ones.
"You look tired," I said, and quickly started trying to count the actual number of hours since
she'd
calmed down. The time I spent with her always flew by in such a blur, it was hard to
determine.
Not enough for her to feel awake and refreshed.
"I couldn't sleep," she admitted, shifting her hair over her shoulder as she usually did when she
didn't want me to see her face.
"Neither could I," I said, unable to resist, and trying to make her feel more comfortable. As
strange as it was getting used to the idea that Bella wasn't bothered by the realities of my life,
in

truth, it was nice being able to be so honest with her.

"I guess that's right," she laughed. "I suppose I slept just a little bit more than you did."

"I'd wager you did."

"So what did you do last night?" she asked.

"Not a chance," I told her with a quiet laugh. "It's my day to ask questions."

"Oh, that's right," she said in a tone that made me think she wished I'd forgotten. "What do you
want to know?"
What didn't I want to know« So much about her was a mystery to me.
"What's your favorite color?" I asked, starting with the easy questions but intensely interested
at

every detail that made her unique.

"It changes from day to day," she shrugged, not taking the question seriously I guessed.

"What's your favorite color today?"

"Probably brown," she answered, glancing down at her sweater. Did she only say that because

she

happened to be wearing that color today?

"Brown?" I snorted, this wasn't going to work if she didn't answer my questions seriously.

"Sure. Brown is warm. Imiss brown. Everything that's supposed to be brown ± tree trunks,

rocks,
dirt ± is all covered up with squashy green stuff here." Her face had pulled together into an
almost
scowl with the pucker between her eye-brows appearing again.
I was wrong. Shewas taking my question seriously, but even the answer to a simple question
likewhat her favorite color was surprised me. Her reactions were always so fascinating. I stared
intothe pool of her deep brown eyes, filled with sincerity, and agreed with her. Brown was the
mostbeautiful color I'd ever seen. I was struck by how everything about her was warm and
trusting,and in that instant I understood her answer.
"You're right. Brown is warm," I said, and without thinking I lifted my hand and brushed her
chestnut hair back behind her shoulder. It felt like silk threads between my fingers. I had to force
myself to put my hand back on the steering wheel, gripping it tightly. I wasn't following my no
mistakes rule as well as I should.
When we pulled up to the school I quickly thought through the next section of my questions,
and
still plagued by the mystery of what the stack of CD's by her bed consisted of, I started with that.
"What music is in your CD player right now?" I asked, remembering the empty jewel case at
the
top of the stack.
"Linkin Park," she said, smiling in such a way that I knew there must be a story behind it. I
grinned at her in return, reaching to pull my own copy out to show her. It was always nice
when I
learned something else we had in common.
"Debussy to this?" I asked skeptically, hoping she'd explain what the look had meant. Instead,
she
just stared at the CD and shrugged.
Sensing she still wasn't truly at ease talking about herself with me, I exited the car and walked
around to open her door for her. But again, the slow pace I was forced to move at in the
crowded
parking lot prevented me from reaching her door before she opened it herself. I contented
myself
with walking close to her, but kept my hands in my pockets so I wouldn't be tempted to take
her
hand in mine as I wanted to do.
Before she had time to speak I started questioning her again. Mainly just going through the

questions about her favorite things.

"What's your favorite season?"

"In Phoenix, fall. In Forks, summer."

I could understand that, she loved the sun and warmth, but apparently not the hottest time in

Phoenix.

"Favorite breakfast food?"

"Eggs."

"Why?" Perhaps it was a dumb question, but I wanted to know.

"They're cheep and fill me up more than pop tarts."

"Do you have them often?"

"No."

"Why?"

"Because I'm generally running late."

"Do you like them scrambled?"

"Not as much as fried, but I'm not very good at making them that way."

"Sunny-side-up?"
"Eww. No."
I chuckled quietly. What was it with humans and how their eggs were cooked? And why did
this

small detail about her fascinate me so much?

"What's your favorite household chore?"

"Cooking, I guess. I almost always cooked for my Mom." She made a slight face at that and I

wondered why. "Charlie's a terrible cook."

"Why did you cook for your mom?"

"Well, she liked to experiment in the kitchen and it didn't always turn out so good."

"You don't experiment?"

"I do actually, but I tend to put things together that were actually meant to be together." Her
expression turned bemused and she smiled up at the ceiling and I held the door of the school
open
for her.
"What are you thinking? You looked like you were remembering something just then." How I
wished I could see that memory too.
"Oh, well« I was just thinking about the time my mother put cumin and cloves in the
spaghettisauce." She glanced at my blank expression, but I asked the follow-up question before
she couldsay more.
"What are they supposed to go in?"
"Usually cumin goes in chili, or something, and cloves goes in pies or cookies." She looked up at
me and smiled. "It was a little weird to say the least."
I couldn't remember much about the taste of food and wondered at the skill that she had.
Perhaps
I could learn to recognize the proper combinations of ingredients by their smell even if it
wasn't
appealing to me? I was suddenly sad, only because I could never properly experience anything
that she prepared.
"What is your least favorite chore?" I continued quickly, hiding my sudden despondency.
"Well, folding clothes is like torture, so probably that." She chuckled softly, and I gladly
thought of
how quickly I could do that job for her, but perhaps she'd think it was too personal a thing for
me
to help with. I wondered if I could fold clothes without her knowing it. Maybe while she slept?
She
might just think that Charlie had done it. I didn't want to offend her though, or give away my
uninvited presence in her house at night. I shook my head, picturing myself as not only the
guarding vampire but the helpful elf.
I was pathetic.
After a few more random questions, I had to leave her at her first class and walk the opposite
direction to my own classroom. I thought about ditching. It wasn't like I was learning anything
in
my classes anyway, but contented myself to simply being right at her classroom door when she
came back out so I wouldn't lose any time for my next round of questions.

"What was the last book that you read before moving to Forks?"

She paused briefly before answering. "Gone With the Wind. I finished it on the trip up here."

"Why did you start reading it?" I wondered if it was some school assignment or if she chose to
read it voluntarily.
"My mom always wanted to read it, but never got more than half way through. She ended up
just
watching the movie, but I wondered if the book was any better than the movie was."

"Did you like the book more than the movie?"

"No, they were pretty similar, but when I read the book I understood the characters more than
just watching the movie."
"Which part of the story did you appreciate the most," I asked, thinking of the beginning of the
story and how innocent their lives were before the war.
"The ending."
I looked at her in surprise wondering how she could think that. I'd always thought it was so
depressing.
She answered my unspoken question before I could ask it. "When she's begging Rhett to stay
she's finally realized what she had all along. She had the pot of gold and coveted the pot of
bronze, but didn't know till the end."
"But he doesn't believe that she's sincere and he leaves. The story ends with her alone."
Howcould she appreciate an ending like that? She was such an unusual girl. Didn't most girls
adorehappy endings above all else?
"It's a good ending because even though it's sad and ironic she doesn't feel defeated. She cries at
first but then she just knows she can win him back because she's Scarlett O'Hara and can just
think about it tomorrow, like it's a challenge to her."
"Because she can endure anything?" I guessed, wondering what it was about the character that
appealed to her.
"Yes« in a way, but at the end she has nothing left to prove to herself because she's proven
overand over again that nothing will stand in her way. She knows that and is stronger by all
that shewent through. So, it's not just endurance, she knows she can overcome things."
At that point I had to leave her at her next class and go to my own again. I still couldn't believe
that each moment she could surprise me more, and we'd only talked about one book.
I never could understand Scarlett O'Hara's appeal, she'd always reminded me too much of
Rosalie,
self-absorbed and grasping for more. Yet, Bella was able to see something else in the character
that I'd never considered. Maybe the appeal to Bella was the strength that she perceived in the
character. Bella always seemed so frail and so helpless, and she was physically more frail than
other humans, but I remembered the look of fierce determination when she was about to be
attacked in Port Angeles. I realized suddenly that her strength of spirit was infinitely more
substantial than I'd considered before.
In between each of our classes I continued to ask her questions about the books that she'd read.
Each answer seemed to give me more hints into her character, and though it did reveal more
about her in some ways, it only made me see just how much I still didn't understand.
When we got to talking about Sense and Sensibility, for instance, she explained how she
disliked
Marianne at first because she came across as childish and superficial for most of the book and
flung herself into her love for Willoughby ignoring the quiet pain of her sister. I could
completely
agree with this admission, but noted how she said she'd viewed Marianne at first and how she'd
described Scarlett.
"You said you disliked her at first, but what about the end?" I asked, wondering as I always did
if
there was more to her thought process.
"Well, I still didn't like her at the end, but she was the character that I remembered the most."
Bella looked down the hall as if she were seeing a different world in her mind than the one
around
her.
"What did you keep remembering about her?" I couldn't keep from trying to read her mind
even
though it was useless.
"It was sad because she agreed to a half-life in a way. Her marriage with Colonel Brandon was
probably a happy marriage, but she left most of herself behind." Bella's eyes pooled
momentarily
with unshed tears and I was struck by her tenderness. She obviously felt more deeply than she
ever let on. "The real Marianne is gone at the end," Bella went on sadly, "She's more mature by
then, but that carefree passion that was so much apart of who she was, burned away through
her
grief."

The sadness in Bella's eyes struck me. I'd always seen Colonel Brandon and Marianne as a
beautiful example of the right kind of love, not just the passionate fiery love, but a love that
was
alive and healing to both of them. I could see Marianne's sadness, but more than that was the
wisdom that she'd gained. I saw the beginning of their love at the end of the book as something
that would keep growing, getting better and being better for them rather than just a 'happy
marriage.' But Bella hadn't seemed to admire the type of love that Marianne exemplified either.
In
fact, Bella seemed more reserved and shy, the very opposite of Marianne, yet she obviously
felt
deeply for her. Even if she said she didn't like the character really.
What did this mean? Did she wish she were more outgoing?
My speculations about how she'd answered each question plagued me as I sat through my
classes.Fortunately, none of the teachers felt inclined to call on me and I was free to speculate
until I waswith Bella again at lunch.
I wanted to talk further about these things, about the characters and my own opinions of them
aswell. I could have discussed the plot and character qualities of each part from all the books I
askedher about, but there would be time later. Right now I needed to just get an overview of as
much ofher life and opinions as possible.
Unable to get away from the topic of books for a while though I picked another good overview
question. "What's the oldest book that you've read?"
"Don Quixote, probably. I didn't finish it though," she said in between bites of her lunch. "Does
it
still count?"
"Sure it counts, but why didn't you finish it." Sometimes the act of leaving something undone
toldjust as much about a person as finishing it, and she didn't seem like the type of person that
wouldnormally abandon anything.
"I thought it was interesting enough, but parts of it were«just« vulgar," She wrinkled her nose
like she'd just smelled something terrible, "It got on my nerves."
I laughed and wondered again if she'd ever stop saying things that would surprise me. My
reacti
on
must have surprised her too. She looked up quickly when I laughed and choked on a bite of
food,
blushing deeply.
"Okay, so Don Quixote can be tossed in the loony bin," I said, hoping that she would see that I
wasn't laughing at her.
I continued the list of questions each time I walked her to her classes and hardly let her eat as I
worked through the list at lunch.
My list didn't seem to get any shorter though as I kept thinking of new questions to ask. We
talked
about Mrs De Winter in Daphne DuMaurier's Rebecca. Bella's combined revulsion in the
character
and pride that the character had been able to pull off all her deception off was fascinating to
me,
and this was coming from one who was so bothered by double standards and who had said that
she didn't like to lie. It seemed that the only accomplishment I would get from all of these
questions was just a deeper fascinating into her personality and the silent workings of her
mind.
She began to respond more quickly with her answers as the day progressed without over
thinking,
but there was the occasional blush after an answer that always lead me to ask more questions.
Like when I'd asked her what her favorite gemstone was.
"Topaz," she blurted out and then blushed deeply.
I was about to ask her favorite flower, but I had to find out why she flushed and turned her
head
away from me. Such strange reactions she had. Why would she blush at such a thing?
I tried the persuasive "Please" that seemed to work so well before, but she wouldn't look at me,
finally I reminded her that we were past the evasiveness.
"Tell me," I blurted out, feeling like I'd lose my mind with curiosity, and asking questions was
supposed to be helping that!
"It's the color of your eyes today," she said quietly, looking down at a strand of her hair that
she
was fiddling with. "I suppose if you asked me in two weeks I'd say onyx."
I was speechless for a second and then felt happier than I'd been all day, but I couldn't let that
feeling reign in me or take the time to remind myself why she shouldn't know me so well. It
was
too late for remorse regardless, and I couldn't stop asking her more questions now that I'd
started. So when I found my voice again, I just launched into the next round.
I had to stop my quizzing when Mr. Banner came into the Biology lab to set up the boring
movie
that we'd started the day before. Remembering how hard it had been yesterday, being so close
to
Bella in the dark, I scooted my chair farther away from her just before Mr. Banner turned out
the
light.
It didn't help.
That same electric spark was ignited between us. Bella seemed tense as she leaned forward
over
our table and rested her chin on her folded arms. Her fingertips gripped the edge of the desk. I
wondered again what she was thinking, having the answers to some of my questions only made
me want to know her even more deeply. She grew more fascinating to me at each passing
moment. Even though I still wished I could just read her mind, I realized in that moment that,
in
some ways, learning about her in this conventional way was more enjoyable. It was like
putting
puzzle pieces together instead of just seeing the picture. Or perhaps it was more like exploring
a
maze or a garden. Perhaps exploring a jungle would be a more appropriate description of her
thoughts, filled with surprising exotic rarities around every corner.
..Can't believe she likes him. Just look at him stare at her« Disgusting, Freak.
Mike interrupted my thoughts as the movie started, brightening the room slightly. He was
thinking
daggers at me again, but it didn't matter anymore. I just smiled when I remembered how Bella
had chosen me, said "yes" to me, and now I was the one allowed to unlock her secrets. He'd
done
a pretty poor job of it when he'd had the chance, and his imaginary Bella was not at all like the
girl
who sat beside me and who I was getting to know.
It was easy to tune him out when I was watching Bella. I wanted to touch her hair, brush it
awayfrom her face again so that I could see her eyes. The electricity between us jolted me as I
thoughtof this and I forced my hands to stay in their tight fists.
It would never be enough so don't start. No mistakes. Nomore mistakes.
I kept telling myself this, thinking of her delicacy, and the more I thought of her in that way
the
more I wanted to feel her soft skin under my finger tips. I thought of Alice's hazy vision of
Bella in
the meadow with me so close to her, but I couldn't be sure that's really what I saw. Knowing I
wanted to be near to her could effect one of Alice's visions, yet I've already decided not to
make
any mistakes. Couldnot touching her be the mistake? But what if I was only thinking that now
because I was trying to give myself an excuse to allow a mistake?
Either way I shouldn't touch her now because I'm not sure. It is always better to err on the side
of
caution. I told myself, yet the more I thought of touching her, the more I really knew I
shouldn't
and the more I wanted to anyway. I breathed in deeply, focusing on the burning that I felt in
my
throat to clear my head. It helped only marginally.
When the lights were finally turned back on, Bella sighed. I stood up waiting for her. I couldn't
say
anything as I walked her to gym. My list of questions disregarded for the moment as I tried to
convince myself why I should not allow myself to touch her face again.
It was a good memory, I told myself, but that's all you get.
My finger tips tingled again with that same fire I'd felt before, this same time yesterday, when I
allowed myself to touch her face. As we approached the door to the gym I wondered if I'd feel
that
same fire if her skin touched the back of my hand.
My good sense lost the battle and I reached slowly up to her temple and stroked down to her
jaw.
I turned, before I could talk myself into anything more than that, and walked away. My entire
hand was now on fire and the tingle went part way up my arm.
Emmett saw me then as we walked into Spanish class together. Any new experiments with
humans on your mind? He thought, chuckling, as he remembered the little performance we put
on
yesterday.
"Not today," I said, still thinking about how I should not touch Bella anymore.
Wow. Emmett thought looking at me closely, he looks different.
I saw myself through Emmett's eyesand wondered what he was talking about. "What?" I
whispered under my breathe.
You've lost your touch man. I bet you couldn't scare anyone now even if you wanted to.He
chuckled again. Seriously, you look like Bambi did when he was in love.
I glared at him.
Oooh, like that look can scare me.
I saw my face through his mind and had to agree with his assessment. He'll be laughing over
this
for the next decade.
I bet I could beat you in a fight now, even if you did cheat.
Hearing his thoughts wasn't cheating. "Don't count on it." I whispered, smirking at his childish
humor.
He just had time to chuckle again before class started and we both had to fain the usual amount
of
attention.
When I met Bella outside of her Gym class her smile beamed up at me and I grinned back
before I
launched into my cross-examination again. We'd already made it through over half of the
questions that I'd compiled and I began asking her things about her childhood.
"What activities were you interested in when you were younger?"
"I took ballet for awhile, but I was never any good at it. I think Mom was hoping to find
something
that would help my coordination, but the year I twisted my ankle at the big recital, she decided
it

was probably a lost cause."

"Anything else?"

"I tried ice skating once."

"And how did that go?"

"She considered putting me back in ballet."

I laughed loudly, and was happy to see her laughing with me. With every question I asked, she
grew more and more animated. Perhaps one day I would be able to see a photo album or
something form when she was young.
We sat in my car in front of her house while the sudden down pour blurred the scenery outside.
I
asked about her home in Phoenix and what things she missed. She told me about the scent of
creosote, "bitter, slightly resinous, but still pleasant," she'd said. The sound of cicadas inJuly,
how
the trees looked feathery in their barrenness, the expansive sky. Why she thought the barren
landscape was so beautiful, how each shape and angle of the rocks and spiny vegetation was
held
in stark beauty by the sun. I was full of wonder with each passing moment as her eyes seemed
to
light up, as if the sun that she described was shinning from their brown depths. Not even the
rain
that continued to pour outside the car seemed to dampened her spirits.
When she'd finished describing almost poetically the beauty of the Arizona landscape, I asked
herabout the house she'd grown up in. She described in detail what her cluttered room looked
like,and what books and things she left behind that she wanted to ask her mom to send to her.
Whenshe was finished telling me about her mother and how mush she missed her, she looked
up at me.I was thinking of all that she'd said and the life she'd left behind. She should go back
to that.
"Are you finished?" She probably wondered why I didn't have another question immediately
ready,

but I didn't have much more time with her.

"Not even close ± but your father will be home soon."

"Charlie!" she gasped, then looked around bewildered, like she'd forgotten everything else in

the
world but us. I knew exactly how she felt. "How late is it?" she asked, and I hated to admit that
our day was coming to an end.
"It's twilight," I muttered, realizing that this used to be my favorite time of day. It meant the
sunno longer hindered me or my family, and we felt freer somehow. Yet now, with Bella at my
side, Ifound I wanted the day to keep going. She loved the sun and light, and when she was
asleep Iwouldn't be able to talk with her. Talking to her seemed to be the only thing that mattered
in mylife now. She was truly changing my perspective.
When I turned, seeing her curiosity, I recognized that earnest desire to know every detail of my
world.
"It's the safest time of day for us," I explained. "The easiest time. But also the saddest, in a
way...the end of another day, the return of the night. Darkness is so predictable, don't you
think?"
"I like the night. Without the dark, we'd never see the stars. Not that you see them here much,"
she added, and I laughed at the childlike way she nearly pouted. I'd never admit it to her, I
didn't
want her to think I was patronizing or belittling her, but I couldn't help but find her petulance
endearing. The strangest things seemed to irritate her. She'd surprised me once again by her
sudden appreciation for the darkness when so much of what she missed was the warmth and
sunshine.
"Charlie will be here in a few minutes. So, unless you want to tell him that you'll be with me
Saturday..." I suggested, wishing hopefully the she'd help me protect her in some small way.
"Thanks, but no thanks," she said stubbornly, grabbing her books. "So is it my turn tomorrow,

then?"

"Certainly not!" I said, feigning shock. "I told you I wasn't done, didn't I?"

"What more is there?" she asked, a hint of her earlier nervousness coming back.

"You'll find out tomorrow," I teased, reaching to open her door for her. I was just beginning to
enjoy the sound of her heart racing from my close proximity, when something completely
unwelcome interrupted it.
This is totally out of line. The treatyshould cover this. He shouldn't be here« and with Charlie's
daughter«
"Not good," I said under my breath, debating for a moment whether I should whisk Bella away
tosomewhere she wouldn't have to deal with what was surely coming. Of course, I knew that
wouldonly make things worse.
"What is it?" Bella asked worriedly.
I looked toward her and willed myself to remain calm. "Another complication," I said, trying to
keep the edge out of my voice.
Wow, awesome car« nothings stock at all on that thing« man I wish I had the money for the
part
I need.
I quickly opened Bella's door and sat back firmly in my seat, determined to hold my
groundsteadily with Charlie so near and Billy's son beside him. This was not the time or place
for aconfrontation.
"Charlie's around the corner," I said to Bella, as I heard his muffled thoughts drawing closer. I
was
actually more concerned with the other people coming, and assumed they were the
Blacks.Jacob
did seem to be smitten remembering Bella's attempted flirtation to pump him for information,
but
I didn't think I needed to worry about him. No, his father was the one wishing that he could
interfere in our relationship.
Bella jumped out of the car, and I hated that I had to leave her there. She'd understand soon
enough the necessity of it, but it didn't make it any easier to drive away. With a hard pump on the
accelerator, I put as much distance between Billy and me as I could. Part of me wanted to stay
behind, to make sure Billy didn't do or say anything to upset her, but I knew no good could come
of my staying and listening in.
Even after I got home, I was upset with the thoughts that I'd heard in Billy's head. After all, I
hadn't broken any treaty, even though Billy's own son did. I hadn't done anything wrong, I hadn't
even informed my family about how Bella wastold about us. They just thought that she'd figured
it out on her own. It irked me that Billy would think this was any of his business.
When I got home I decided to calm my mind at the piano. Much to Esme's delight, I played all
of
her favorites, as well as the piece Bella had inspired.
Emmett andJasper were outside wrestling the entire time I was home. Rosalie was with them,
watching and giving them pointers, much to their annoyance, I realized with a smile. Alice
occasionally thought of her visions of being friends with Bella, but nothing to give me any
concern.
Thankfully their thoughts and opinions didn't disturb me much, and I let the music surround
me
until my mind turned to a more pleasant topic.
While I played, I stared at the bottle cap that I'd placed on the piano again and thought through
everything that Bella had said. What was it about her that was so compelling? I realized that it
was
a certain spark, a passion, hidden from the unobservant, but still there, underneath everything
that she loved and believed. In some ways she was an odd blend of opposites, yet unlike
myself
they weren't warring against each other. The unlikely and unique, seemingly opposite things
about
her that I'd only gotten a glimpse of today, fascinated me more than anything else. The
backwards
way in which she seemed to think was baffling. She was utterly dissimilar to any other
seventeen
year old mind that I'd ever known.

Knowing her more fully gave me a small amount of confidence, even through my doubts, to
believe that there would not be a time that I would ever hurt her. I'd come to realize that
hurting
her would be like hurting myself and that was even more true now the more I grew to love her.
I could hurt heraccidentally though«The thought tortured me again, but I wouldn't do that if I
could keep perfectly controlled around her.
I wondered how likely that was, if that were truly possible. I'd begun to sense so many
strangeand unexpected feelings around her that I didn't know if Icould trust myself. If I did allow
myselfto touch her again or hold her I'd have to be concentrating the whole time on every side of
mynature. Keeping the thirst back and not killing her in that way, and holding her gently enough
tonot crush her and kill her in that way. Add all that to balancing these new human emotions that
Iwasn't used to feeling let alone controlling.
If Alice's blurry vision was remotely possible, this was going to take a lot of concentration. I
had
no way to gauge my reaction to that electricity that always sparked between us when we
touched,
and I was afraid that it might distract me enough to lose a measure of concentration, and then I
could hurt her.
Panic overwhelmed me for an instant as I envisioned her death, that other blurry possible
future in
the meadow. I couldn't let that happen above all else.
Maybe I should cancel our plans.
Suddenly, Alice interrupted my thoughts. Edward, stop freaking out! Whatever you keep
thinking
about is messing up this weekend and I wanted to say hi to Bella tomorrow! She frowned at me
from across the room. Anyway, you promised I could at least meet her when we leave to go
hunting after lunch.
I sighed, realizing it wasn't helping anything to perpetuate these thoughts of indecision. I
haddecided today that I would ask Alice to go hunting with me tomorrow, buthadn't promised
thatshe could officially meet Bella. She had not only seen the vision of me asking for her to
join mebut apparently had seen an unsaid promise too, and I let it go, nodding at Alice.
I'll take her to my meadow on Saturday as we planned. I thought firmly. Alice smiled then and
turned back to her computer.I couldn't help smiling too. She could be extremely irritating, just
like
any little sister, but the camaraderie we shared always squelched any anger that I felt toward
her.
Bella was counting on our time together regardless, and at any other place I wouldn't be able to
stand in the sun with her. If I didn't keep her with me she would probably go to Seattle like
she'd
originally planned and the inevitable catastrophe waiting for her wherever she went was a
given.
At least if I kept her with me I was the one in control of her safety rather than some uncaring
fate.
I could stand in the sun with her in two days and she would see me for what I am.
And she would finally run, screaming at my alienness.
How could I delude myself by thinking otherwise? Really, what good was it to be so concerned
with

being able to hold her or not when she wouldn't want that after seeing me anyway?

It's bound to happen at some point.

If it were possible to walk on the edge of this painful blade without falling into either chasm of

her
death or the death of her soul, she would still be giving up too much by loving me. Our time
together was numbered no matter how I looked at it.
Especially after learning so much about her today, I knew that she deserved far more than
anything I could give her. But she needed to know why she shouldn't love me, and I wondered
if
seeing me in the sun, seeing how utterly different we are would convince her why she should
run.
I would let her go, but how will I survive if she leaves me?
Balancing- 14
I timed my arrival to Bella's house the same as yesterday, parking immediately after Charlie
was
gone. Bella came out of the house and walked straight to the passenger side and jumped in. I

couldn't help the smile that spread across my face when she was near me.

"How did you sleep?"

"Fine. How was your night?"

My smile widened as I remembered how I'd watched her sleeping peacefully and how I'd heard

my
name cross her lips more than once. "Pleasant."
"Can I ask what you did?" She sounded like she knew I was keeping something from her. Or
maybe that was just my guilty conscious.
"No." I was glad I still had a good excuse. "Today is stillmine," I reminded her, unable to hold
back the satisfied smile that spread across my face.
We were far enough down the list to the part where I had sectioned out questions about the
people in her life. I had more questions about her Mom and what they did together. Other
relatives
and school friends, what she missed about them and what she didn't miss.
By lunch, she was no longer showing any signs of embarrassment as I pressed for more details,
and I felt a sudden bout of confidence, finally asking the question I'd been the most interested
in.
"What about old boyfriends?" I asked as casually as I could manage. "Did you leave any
broken
hearts behind when you left?"
Her face turned red, and I wondered if perhaps she was about to tell me something I didn't really
want to hear. After all, I was still getting used to the feeling of jealousy. I tried to keep my
expression relaxed as I waited for her answer.
"Not really," she finally said, though she was still blushing. "I mean, no one showed me much
attention, which was pretty much how I wanted it. I guess I had a crush or two growing up, but
I
never felt compelled to do anything about it."
"So you never met anyone you wanted?" I asked, watching her face closely. Why would she
blush
so much if that were really the case?
"Not in Phoenix," she replied firmly, her eyes staring unblinkingly into mine.
Ah, she wasn't blushing about the past, and I again wasn't sure quite how to handle her
assurtion.
Caught again between what I wanted and what I kept telling myself Ishould want, I wasn't sure
what to say. To have her so often admitting that she wanted me when I knew that I was the last
person she should be around was at once frustrating and oddly«gratifying. I desperately desired
to give her anything and everything she wanted, yet the only thing she seemed to want was to
spend time with the one person she shouldn't be with. It was the world's most ironic paradox.
Edward. Don't forget about her truck. And can't I please talk to her yet? You have to tell her
why
we are leaving early from school anyway.
Alice's not so subtle commentary, along with a quick smile in my direction, interrupted my
thoughts from across the room.
"I should have let you drive yourself today," I said, but knew why I'd intentionally let this
dilemma

slip my memory.

"Why?" she asked in surprise.

"I'm leaving with Alice after lunch." Was it wrong for me to conveniently arrainge everything so
that I could spend as much time with her as possible?

"Oh," she said, frowning slightly. "That's okay, it's not that far of a walk."

"I'm not going to make you walk home." I couldn't believe she'd think that I could be so
unchivalrous. As I'd surmised before, she was obvious not used to being taken care of. That
would

be changing for her very soon. "We'll go get your truck and leave it here for you."

"I don't have a key with me," she sighed sadly. "I really don't mind walking."

Like a little thing as not having a key would stop me. "Your truck will be here, and the key will

be
in the ignition ± unless you're afraid someone might steal it," I teased, laughing at the thought.
"All right," she said, a hint of defiance in her voice. I could almost hear the challenge as she
was

obviously trying to figure out what I was up to.

"So where are you going?" she asked when I refused to divulge my secret.

"Hunting. If I'm going to be alone with you tomorrow, I'm going to take whatever precautions I
can." I wondered if this would make her realize the danger she would be in and change her
mind.
"You can always cancel, you know," I felt compelled to add. If she showed even the slightest
bit of

hesitation, I would not allow myself to go through with our plans.

"No," she said quietly. "I can't."

"Perhaps you're right." It seemed to be too late to back out now, and the war in my mind of

right
and wrong raged on again as it had since the first moment I was near her.
"What time will I see you tomorrow?" she asked quietly. Her eyes dropped down to the table,
and
once again her obvious desire to be with me made the one side of my nature euphoric at the
realization.
"That depends ... it's a Saturday, don't you want to sleep in?"
"No," she answered quickly, and I tried to hide my smile along with the secret of my nightly

vigilence.

"The same time as usual, then. Will Charlie be there?"

"No, he's fishing tomorrow," she said, clearly elated about the fact. I felt my fists clench at the

realization that I couldn't even tell myself he was at home waiting for her.

"And if you don't come home, what will he think?" I pressed. Please, give me something.

"I have no idea," she said casually. "He knows I've been meaning to do the laundry. Maybe

he'll
think I fell in the washer."
She was trying to make light of what I was most fearful of, and I was suddenly infuriated. She
really did have no sense of self-preservation at all. It was such a basic survival instinct that I
often
had felt like there must be something truly wrong with her brain, yet all humans were like this
to a
degree and I knew now that she was just being stubborn. She met my glare with her own and I
knew I would not be able to change her mind about telling Charlie.
"What are you hunting tonight?" she asked calmly after a few moments of our glaring match,
obviously in a hurry to remind me how completely normal she found my atrocious existence. I
might have thought she was putting on an act for my benefit, but her heartbeat and breathing
remained perfectly steady. It was as if she'd simply asked me what I was having for lunch, which
was, in fact, the case.

"Whatever we find in the park. We aren't going far."

"Why are you going with Alice?"

"Alice is the most...supportive." That was an understatement; she was practically flying out her
seat at this very moment as she saw how many minutes it would be before she'd get to be
introduced to her future best friend.

"And the others? What are they?"

I tried to think of the nicest possible way to say it.

"Incredulous, for the most part," I sighed, and I saw her glance nervously toward my family.

"They don't like me," she said flatly, and I wondered suddenly why it should bother her to think
that a family of vampires didn't care for her.
"That's not it," I said, though it wasn't entirely true. Rosalie had made her opinion very clear.
"They don't understand why I can't leave you alone," I added, hoping that would help her
understand that it wasn't about her.
"Neither do I, for that matter," she mumbled, the little pucker between her eyebrows appeared
again.
I shook my head in disbelief. "I told you: you don't see yourself clearly at all. You're not like
anyone I've ever known. You fascinate me."
She glared at me, clearly doubting my words. She didn't seem to realize what a great
compliment
it was for someone who can read minds and has existed for so long to say this about her.
"Having the advantages I do, I have a better than average grasp of human nature. People are
predictable. But you ... you never do what I expect. You always take me by surprise," I said,
trying to explain it to her. By the look on her face, I didn't think she could accept the
compliment.
Her gaze left mine, her expression turned dismal, and I hoped she didn't think that I found
herfascinating just because I couldn't read her mind. What may have started as pure intrigue
hadquickly grown to admiration and affection, and before I knew what was happening, I'd
fallenunwittingly in love with her.
"That part is easy enough to explain," I continued when she still didn't look at me. I had to
makeher see how extraordinary she was in every way. "But there's more...and it's not so easy to
putinto words²"
That's it, Edward. I'm done. I just don't have it in me to sit here and listen to your ridiculous
lunchtime love confessions...
Rosalie's sharp thoughts broke through my already disjointed speech, and I turned to see her
staring directly at Bella. Bella was staring back with wide eyes at Rosalie's hateful glare.
She's not worth it. Look at her, she's the most uninteresting looking human here. And
forthat we
are risking our way of life.
I hissed softly in her direction, and it was enough. Without a glance at me, she turned to
Emmett
and motioned for them to leave. When I looked back at Bella, her eyes were wide. I could only
imagine how much worse it would have been if she'd heard what I'd been forced to hear.
"I'm sorry about that. She's just worried. You see...it's dangerous for more than just me if,
afterspending so much time with you so publicly..." I turned away, ashamed, not wanting to
finish thethought.
"If?"
"If this ends...badly." I couldn't bear to look into her eyes any longer. I dropped my head into
my
hands and let the guilt and the fear wash over me. I should have left, I should have let her hate
me from the start. At least then she'd be safe. Though my head was in my hands, I saw her inch
her hand toward my hair, and I longed to feel her soothing touch in my miserable moment. I
couldn't blame her, though, when she pulled away at the last second. Why would she want to
be
near me when I had just confessed my family's fears that I would kill her? I was amazed again
that she wasn't running for the door.
"And you have to leave now?" she asked.
"Yes," I whispered, chancing a glance at her face. She was looking at me with disappointment
±but not fear. She must just be sad that I was leaving and not afraid. Ridiculous, of course, but
apart of me was thrilled again at the thought of how she wanted to be with me.
"It's probably for the best," I added, trying to lighten the mood. "We still have fifteen minutes
of

that wretched movie left to endure in Biology² I don't think I could take any more."

Bella jumped when she noticed how Alice suddenly was standing behind me.

"Alice," I acknowledged.

"Edward," she said for Bella's benefit. I knew she was beaming without so much as a glance at
her.
I'm here. It would be rude not to introduce us.
"Alice, Bella ± Bella, Alice," I said flatly. I couldn't hold off the introduction forever.
There, now that wasn't so bad was it?
"Hello, Bella. It's nice to finally meet you," she said, and thought. It's about time. I glared at her

for one quick moment.

"Hi, Alice," Bella said shyly.

"Are you ready yet?" She said and then thought excitedly. Or can I join you and get to know

Bella
too?
"Nearly. I'll meet you at the car." She quickly walked away, mentally complaining the whole
timeabout having to wait so long to get to officially meet her best friend and then not even get
to talk to her.
I marveled at her unwavering persistence.
Bella looked away from Alice's retreating figure and said, "Should I say 'have fun,' or is that
the

wrong sentiment?"

"No, 'have fun' works as well as anything." I smiled at her, trying to brighten her mood.

"Have fun, then," but she was obviously trying to sound happier than she felt.

"I'll try." I couldn't stop smiling as I was amazed to realize again how she didn't want me to

leave

her "And you try to be safe, please."

"Safe in Forks. What a challenge," she muttered sarcastically.

"For you itis a challenge. Promise."

"I promise to try to be safe," she said, placating me. "I'll do the laundry tonight. That ought to

be

fraught with peril."

"Don't fall in," I teased.

"I'll do my best."

It was clear that we were now simply stalling, so I reluctantly stood up. The sooner I finished

hunting, the sooner I could get back to her.

"I'll see you tomorrow." She sounded morose now.

"It seems like a long time to you, doesn't it?" I asked, realizing again how every second away

from
her felt like an hour. She nodded at this, and I smiled again, gratified in an odd way that she
felt
pained about our time apart.
"I'll be there in the morning," I said, allowing myself to reach over to her face for only the third
time and stroke down her fragile cheek bone. Her eyes sparked at my touch as my fingers
tingled
from her warmth. I forced myself to turn quickly and walk away.
Once I was out of sight from the school, it didn't take long to run to Bella's house and climb
through her window as I always did. The key was easy enough to find. I thought of Bella's
incredulous face when I told her not to worry about the key. Everything has a distinct smell,
and
humans weren't as sensitive to this. It didn't take long to find it in a pocket of a pair of jeans
under a pile of dirty clothes in the laundry room.
I chuckled a little when I realized she wasn't kidding about needing to do laundry. I almost felt
bad
that I'd been keeping her so distracted.
Almost.
I drove her truck back to school and fished a piece of paper out of my pocket. I penned, "Be
safe,"
across it and, as I gently folded my little reminder, wondered if Bella would think me too
pessimistic. It didn't seem likely that anything would happen to her in the few hours I was
away,
but I hoped that knowing I was thinking of her would make her especially cautious.
It was never difficult to meet up with Alice when she always could see where I'd be going next,
soquite soon, we were in the park hunting together. As we caught the scent of a few deer a
hundredor so feet away, I made a face at the smell.
She noticed my grimace and turned to me. "You know, I wouldn't have minded if you wanted
to go
farther for a better variety," she said.
"I know, but I wanted to stay close to home."
Bella's ruined your appetite in more than one way it seems, she thought, laughing at the face I

made again.

"Come on Let's get this over with." I rolled my eyes at her and we started to run.

When we were on the way back from hunting, Alice was thinking of Bella and saw that she

would
take something to make her sleep more deeply than usual. Hey, that's it! She thought excitedly.
You can practice being close to her since she took that, and there won't be a chance that you'll
wake her up!
"Alice," I said slowly shaking my head while I ran next to her, "It's already wrong for me to be
in
her room without her knowing I'm there when she's asleep, and now, what? You're saying I
should
lean over her and smell her so I can tempt myself even more to practicenot killing her?"
She shrugged. "Seems logical to me."
I suppose it did, but it still seemed wrong.
Once we got back home, I went straight to Bella's house to watch her sleep again. I couldn't
help
myself anymore, and after tomorrow she might not want to have anything to do with me. How
many minutes did I have left before the running and screaming came? Maybe Alice was right,
and
I should try and prepare myself more. It was better in this controlled environment and with her
lying perfectly still. Charlie was in the next room, and that would remind me to stay grounded.
It
was right for me to keep her safe by coming nearer to her than I normally would, but first I
wanted to do something.
She'd done laundry while I was hunting, and I wondered if she'd left any clean clothes
unfolded. Iwent to the laundry room where I'd found her key earlier and saw two baskets full
of clean clothes.One basket was folded, and the other wasn't. I moved quickly even for me,
folding all the clothesin the basket in just a few minutes. A chuckle rumbled quietly in my
chest as I pictured myself asthe helpful vampire -elf and also how Alice had probably laughed
at my odd behavior as soon as Ithought of doing it.
When I was back in Bella's room, my good mood made it easier to be nearer to her. My
helpfulness didn't make my uninvited presence any more acceptable, but it made me feel better.
Less guilty.
I did practice some as Alice had suggested, kneeling by Bella's bed. I watched her sleep from a
much closer distance than I had before. She barely moved all night, lying on her back with her
hair
smoothed out across her pillow. One strand of hair slipped down from her pillow, and I leaned
closer to look at it. I could see each individual hair and the slight variations in the brown, a slight
red shone from one strand, an almost gold seemed to glow in another. The color all together was
more lively and glossy than a fresh chestnut. I wanted to run my fingers through her hair.Just
once while I was here, I pinched the little gathering of hair that had slipped down her pillow
between my fingers and moved it up above her head on her pillow again. I couldn't allow myself
more, the overwhelming pull to be closer to her terrified me, and I moved away.
Watching her from my usual spot in the rocking chair, I began to wish that it were possible for
me
to sleep²not just so that I could be human and not be a continual source of danger to her, but
just so that I could dream about her and speak her name in my own sleep.
I left before dawn to run home and give her some time to wake and get ready before I ran back
to
her house. I changed clothes and cleaned up, only saying a brief good morning to my family
before taking off again. My nerves were frayed enough as it was without their dubious,
concern,
and joyful thoughts hammering in on me from every side.
I left quickly.
The light of morning filtered through the trees as I ran to Bella's house. Since she'd said Charlie
would be fishing today, I deduced that he would be long gone by the time I arrived. Not
wanting to

interrupt her morning routine though, I stood off to one side of the house, just out of sight. I
grinned when Bella peeked out the window not once, but twice, each time with increasing
excitement. Far too anxious, I found myself knocking at her door a bit before our normal
meeting
time, but since I knew she was up, I couldn't seem to make myself wait any longer.
As I listened to her fumble with the lock, the gravity of the day seemed to come crashing back
in
on me. Worried for about the millionth time that we were making a mistake, I felt my mood
darken as doubt filled me again.
When Bella finally got the door open and was staring adoringly up at me, for a moment, all my
worries disappeared. She looked lovely in her tan sweater and blue jeans, casual, comfortable,
and
magnificently warm. The neutral colors highlighted the pink in her cheeks and the warm brown
of
her eyes.
"Good morning," I smiled, unable to stop myself from taking another head-to-toe look at her,
and

chuckled.

"What's wrong?"

"We match," I said lightly. I always liked when our dissimilarities were lessened. She smiled

too
when she saw what I was wearing.
We walked toward the truck, and with a triumphant smirk, Bella went straight to the driver's
side,
reminding me of our agreement.
"We made a deal," she said, not hesitating for a moment before climbing in. I sighed,
reluctantly

taking my seat on the passenger side. "Where to?" she asked.

"Put your seat belt on ± I'm nervous already."

She sighed but put on her belt and repeated, "Where to?"

"Take the one-oh-one north," I instructed.

I wasn't sure if it was because of how wary I was about the day, or if I simply wasn't used to
traveling at normal, human speeds, but Bella seemed to be driving slower than even the speed
limit allowed.
"Were you planning to make it out of Forks before nightfall?" I teased, but it would take some
time
to hike to the meadow after all, and I didn't want to waste our day in this oxidizing hunk of
metal.
"This truck is old enough to be your car's grandfather ± have some respect."
Although I was tempted to resume asking her questions, I didn't want anything to make her
uncomfortable today, and she seemed perfectly content driving together in silence. I thought it
odd at first ± most people were so eager to break the silence ± but after a few minutes, I
decided
to accept it with welcome relief. With my constantly having to hear everyone's internal chatter,
I
relished the quiet, and if Bella was happy, then I was happy. I leaned back and focused on the
steady rhythm of her heart beat and quiet breathing. Alice had been right about practicing last
night. Even though the burn in my throat and scent of her blood was as potent it seemed more
tolerable at this easy distance than when I was so close to her as she slept.
I waited until the last possible moment to break our peaceful silence, by telling her, "Turn right
onthe one-ten." She turned, and I settled back into my seat again. "Now we drive until the
pavementends."
"And what's there, at the pavement's end?"
"A trail," I said noncommittally.
"We're hiking?" she asked, a hint of fear in her voice. I knew it wasn't her first choice for
Saturday
afternoon activities ± she'd never seemed the outdoorsy type ± but I was fairly certain the
beauty

of where we would end up would make it worth it for her.

"Is that a problem?"

"No." She attempted a smile, but I could hear her heart start to race.

"Don't worry, it's only five miles or so, and we're in no hurry."
We returned to our mutual silence, but now that I'd sensed her nervousness, it was not as
comfortable as it had been before. Her heartbeat didn't slow, and small drops of sweat dewed
along her hair line. What had she thought we were driving to? She couldn't have thought we
were
going to a populated area since I'd explained how she would get to see me in the sunlight.
What
else is there to do in the forest besides hike? Was she finally beginning to realize the danger?
The
evil huntsman taking Snow White into the forest to cut out her heart could be playing through
her
mind right now. Yet, I could not know this.
"What are you thinking?" I finally asked. I felt like I'd asked it so many times before, and I
never

knew if she was telling me the whole truth or filtering for my benefit.

"Just wondering where we're going," she said lightly.

"It's a place I like to go when the weather is nice," I said, glancing at the clouds Alice had
promised would be gone by later this morning.
"Charlie said it would be warm today." Bella nodded, she too was watching the clouds. I knew
she'd been curious about the mystery of my appearance in the sun, and I could feel her growing
more anxious as the moment of truth approached. Was that why her heart was racing? The
ideas
of what I could look like in sunlight. The odd alienness of a non-human? I was growing more
nervous as the minutes ticked by, and I wondered again if she was starting to see the danger in
being alone with me.

"And did you tell Charlie what you were up to?" I asked hopefully.

"Nope."

I'd suspected as much, but I had a fall back plan.

"ButJessica thinks we're going to Seattle together?" I confirmed. As much as I hated to think of
Jessica during our day together, reminding myself without a doubt that I would be held
responsible

if Bella went missing seemed like the wisest thing to do.

"No, I told her you canceled on me ± which is true."

"No one knows you're with me?" The monster inside me reared up at the thought while venom
pooled in my mouth.

"That depends...I assume you told Alice?"

"That's very helpful, Bella." My voice was far too harsh, and I hated myself for snapping at

her,
but I couldn't contain all the things that were simultaneously running through me. Couldn't she
have given me any help at all?
"Are you so depressed by Forks that it's made you suicidal?" I asked, too viciously again. I had
to
get myself under control.
"You said it might cause trouble for you...us being together publicly," she said calmly, as if it
were
the most normal thing in the world she were discussing.
"So you're worried about the trouble it might causeme ifyou don't comehome?" I was nearly
snarling at her, though some remaining sane portion of my brain told me that she'd been acting
out of the best intentions. The fact that those intentions were utterly absurd, however, was hard
to
ignore.
She just nodded in response to my accusation. Looking for any outlet to channel my
frustration, I
started muttering under my breath.
Of all the ridiculous things...she's looking out for me, doesn't even care about herself at
all...how
am I supposed to keep her safe when she has no sense of self-preservation...no wonder she's
always getting into trouble...
I could feel the anxiety radiating from her. My change in mood hadn't helped her already
nervousattitude, and I was determined to regain my composure by the time we arrived at the
end of theroad. I focused again on her steady breathing and closed my eyes as the truck
bumped over theroad and came to a stop.
She parked and got out of the car without looking at me, and I glanced over my shoulder to see
her taking off her sweater. The heat didn't matter to me, but she'd wanted to see me in the
sunlight and taking off my own sweater now would be more natural as I followed her example.
"This way," I said. As I turned away from her to look into the dim forest, I unbuttoned the top
fewbuttons of my white shirt, deciding that it would be less of a shock to her if she could get
used tomy inhuman skin before seeing it fully in the sun.
"The trail?" she asked, and I felt a twinge of guilt for having misled her. I heard her frenzied
steps
as she circled the truck and stumbled to my side.
"I said there was a trail at the end of the road, not that we were taking it." I was still looking
intothe forest, trying to compose myself, not only of my own fearfulness and anger ± but of a
suddenbashfulness. What would she think as she saw more of my alienness?
"No trail?" she asked warily. I'd been hoping for something that would calm me, and sure
enough,
her panic was enough to remind me of my role as her protector. Venom stopped pooling in my
mouth, and I swallowed, my muscles relaxing.
"I won't let you get lost," I said, smiling as I turned to look at her.
I had expected her to relax at my assurance, but she stared at my chest for a moment and
herface looked angry and even slightly sad. She was shocked at how different I am, I was sure
of it.That could explain the sadness, but the anger? Maybe I'd done more damage than I
realized byspeaking harshly to her before. I couldn't think what else could cause this reaction.
"Do you want to go home?" I asked, part of me hoping she wouldn't want to go through with
our
plans today.
"No," she said, stepping closer. She looked at me as if I were the one going to run away. I
couldn't

understand what her expressions meant.

"What's wrong?" I asked softly, cursing myself for having upset her.

"I'm not a good hiker. You'll have to be very patient," she said, and even without being able to
read her mind, I knew she wasn't telling me the whole truth. Still, I didn't want to force her to
talk
about anything she wasn't comfortable with.
"I can be patient," I said, playing along. "If I make a great effort."
I'd tried to make my voice light and teasing, hoping to urge a smile from her. Though the
corner of
her mouth turned up, she still looked miserable.
Great.
I'd ruined our whole day because of my own fears and insecurities, but if our time ended with
her
being too upset by how different I am and she runs, then, at least she will finally be safe.
So what if no one knew we were together.I knew we were together, and that I was personally
responsible for keeping her safe. That would be enough. It had to be.
When she still didn't speak, I sighed deeply. "I'll take you home," I offered, giving her one
more
chance to retreat if it was what she truly wanted. I felt I was back to my former, more
trustworthy
self, but if I'd frightened her too deeply to proceed, I would respect her wishes.
"If you want me to hack five miles through the jungle before sundown, you'd better start
leadingthe way." She nearly spat the words at me, and I was baffled that her mood today seemed
to beshifting as often as mine usually did.
She just stood there, glaring at me, and I eventually realized she was waiting for me to
decide.Although at the moment, neither of us seemed emotionally stable enough to go through
with ourplans. I started walking, knowing I couldn't disappoint her.
I did my best to help make the hike easier for Bella, hoping that would improve her mood. As I
helped her through the rougher parts in the forest, the electricity between us unbelievably
heightened each time I accidentally touched her skin. Occasionally, I noticed her glancing in
my
direction, but she still seemed upset. I wasn't sure how to respond to this new mood of
hers.Was
I really this repulsive? Of course I was, but she seemed determined to follow through with our
plans regardless.
Hoping to break her from her sullen mood, I asked her a few random questions that I didn't
have a
chance to get to in the last two days. I found out that birthdays had never been a big thing for
her. Bella's Mom generally threw something together at the last minute and often the plans
wouldn't work out, so they'd do something quiet and at home.
"That's how I like it," she shrugged. "Usually when my Mom tried to do something big, I could
talk

her out of it before it got out of hand."

"What was your favorite birthday present?" I asked, wondering what sorts of trinkets she liked.

"I can't remember any that stand out." She shrugged.

Hmm«was this normal for humans? To care so little about birthdays and presents? Perhaps this
was another thing I could remedy for her, but knowing Alice as I did, she'd already be planning
the
next big events for several years down the road and all their possibilities depending on the
decisions that her new "best friend" could make regarding them.
Later, I asked about her grade school teachers, wondering if she'd had a favorite teacher that
influenced her. I asked anything and everything I could think of to try to make her smile.
Eventually, she started to relax again, and I noticed it made her pace speed up slightly.
"Did you have any pets as a child?" I asked.
"Well, my Mom is allergic to dogs, so that was out. I did get a goldfish once, but it died, and
after
the third replacement died too, I just gave up on the whole institution."
I laughed loudly.

Both our moods were beginning to brighten, and the more animated she became, talking
abouther life, the faster she seemed to climb over the trees and rocks. She even stumbled
significantly less.
As the hours passed, the clouds began to disappear. The sun was shining, but the trees created
adense cover above us. Bella's expression brightened when she looked up toward the green
lightbrightening above us.

"Are we there yet?" she asked, feigning a frown at me.

"Nearly," I promised, feeling my own anticipation growing. "Do you see the brightness

ahead?"

"Um, should I?" she asked, squinting.

"Maybe it's a bit soon foryour eyes," I teased.

"Time to visit the optometrist," she mumbled.

I slowed down as we approached the trees that veiled the sun-lit meadow from Bella's view and
watched as she hurried toward the glow of light. She looked like an explorer about to unlock a
hidden treasure. Walking a few steps behind her, I found myself holding my breath as she burst
through the edge of the forest and stepped into the sun. Her skin bathed in the warm light, and
her hair shone with that same reddish tint that I saw only once before. Only today, unlike that
time before, I would be able to stand beside her in the sun.
I waited at the edge of the meadow, still hidden under the shade of the tress.
Bella walked slowly through the grass, sighing appreciatively. I couldn't help but smile right
along
with her ± but for a different reason. The beauty of the meadow could have been a swamp in
contrast to how lovely she was in comparison. Her fair skin glowed delicately in the light, as if
she
were a rare porcelain doll, and her reddish brown hair shimmered and moved as she walked.
I wanted desperately to join her, but I couldn't bring myself to step out into the sunlight yet.
She
needed to truly take in all the beauty of my personal sanctuary before I forever marred it by
adding the image of myself.
Of course she would be frightened, and her odd behavior before we started hiking confirmed
my
fears. Yet, would she be frightened enough to run away? Or would she have some other odd
reaction that I never could seem to predict?
Soon she seemed to realize that I wasn't next to her and turned to look for me. I was surprised
that her expression was concerned and feared for a moment that I had walked too far into the sun
and inadvertently revealed the truth before I was ready. Then her eyes found mine, and her face
instantly softened. She took a step towards me and reached her hand out like she wanted me to
take it and join her. As much as I wanted to hold her hand in mine, longed to feel that spark her
touch always ignited, I refused to feel the rejection that would most certainly follow when she
saw
my alienness. I couldn't bear to feel her hand ripped away from mine when the repulsion set in.
So
I held my hand up, silently urging her to wait just a little longer.
I sighed and took in a deep breath of air I didn't need. Preparing for the worst, I closed my eyes
and stepped out into the sunlight.
Confessions -15
As I lay on the grass, my skin reflecting a rainbow of light on Bella's face, all I could think
was,
She can see what I really look like and she's still with me.
She hadn't run. I'd expected fear, curiosity, repulsion, but her main expression seemed to be a
pleasant surprise. I didn't understand her.

I could not comprehend how her reaction was possible, and couldn't help but wonder what else
she was thinking and not saying. Yet all I wanted to do at this moment was bask in her
acceptance. I could finally be myself with her, and even more astonishing was that she seemed to
want me to be myself.
I kept my eyes closed for the most part and just let her get used to seeing me. Occasionally I
peeked at her when my curiosity got the better of me, but her expression was the same surprised
enjoyment. So odd. All she did was sit near me with her hands and chin resting on her knees and
stared at me.
Her warm brown eyes were deep pools of wonder. She looked at me as if I would disappear at
any
moment and seemed to be memorizing me in case I vanished. I so often felt that way when I
watched her sleep, that it only seemed far that I should give her a similar opportunity to look at
me.
More than once I wanted to reach out to her, to touch her warm, sun-kissed skin, but wasn't
sure
she would appreciate the gesture and the coldness I would inflict. Besides, she was still getting
used to me. To calm this desire, I sang Bella's lullaby softly. Eventually she asked me what I
was
doing. I told her I was singing, but wasn't ready to explain that she'd inspired it's composition.
The wind tangled her hair gently and blew her scent around me, but the pain and thirst were
easier to manage after being near her as much as I had in the last week. I felt a warm tingle on
the back of my hand and opened my eyes to see her stroking my skin with one shaking finger.
I smiled and asked the question that I'd wondered ever since I stepped into the sun, "I don't
scare

you?" I tried to keep the question light, playful, even though I meant it seriously.

"No more than usual," she said,

Her reaction made me smile even wider. and I wondered how much I usually scared her. I

closed
my eyes again, enjoying her light touch, and heard her move closer to me as she traced
invisible
lines up my arm.
"Do you mind?" Her voice sounded shy.
"No," I said, thinking that her touch was better than anything I'd known in the whole of
myexistence. The tingling fire that I felt in my hand each time I'd touched her face was
nothingcompared to this. I sighed. "You can't imagine how that feels."
She traced back down my arm to the inside of my elbow. I flipped my hand over so she could
trace my palm. She jumped when I did this, and I opened my eyes for a second, worried that I'd
frightened her, but was relieved to find that she was only startled.
"Sorry," I closed my eyes again, "It's just so easy to be myself with you."
She lifted my hand then and I saw her holding my palm inches away from her face staring with
an
unreadable expression. With no other voice in my head but my own, and this mysterious mind
next to me, I couldn't help myself from finally asking, "Tell me what you are thinking. It's still so
strange for me, not knowing."
"You know, the rest of us feel that way all the time."
Touché. "It's a hard life," I said, trying to keep the sarcasm out of my tone. I thought again of
how
much I wished I could be human with her. I would give up everything and endure the fire of
the
venom again if I could be human, to be close to her without fighting the desire to take
slaughter
her at each second. "But you didn't tell me," I reminded her.
"Iwas wishing I could know what you were thinking«" she hesitated.

Another deflection. "And?"

"I was wishing that I could believe that you were real. And I was wishing that I wasn't afraid."

"I don't want you to be afraid," I said softly. How could I so oftenwant her to fear me and yet

still

wish she didn't? Was it right to desire her trust if I didn't deserve it?

"Well, that's not exactly the fear I meant, though that's certainly something to think about."
Surprised, I sat up to look more closely into her eyes. What did she mean? I was so curious that

didn't realize I'd allowed myself to be closer than I'd ever been before.

My face was only a few inches away from hers when I asked, "What are you afraid of then?"

Instead of answering me, she leaned closer and breathed in deeply.

The pulsing rhythm at her throat and the maddening scent of her blood assaulted my every

sense.
The monster within rejoiced and nearly took over my mind. I could only run the other way,
ripping
my hand from her grasp. At the edge of the meadow I stared at her, fighting to regain control
of
my mind. The monster gnashed it's teethe, attempting to break free from my careful control.
"I'm« sorry« Edward," she whispered her face full of shock and hurt.
"Give me a moment," I said, and as I looked at her sad, longing eyes, I knew I could deserve
her.She saw something I never wanted her to experience, just how close I was to losing control
andkilling her. I felt ashamed, hating myself again. How could she ever believe I love her
when sheknew how desperately I was trying not to murder her?
After a few seconds the venom stopped pooling in my mouth. I held my breath as I walked
slowly
towards here, making sure that I could come nearer without hurting her. Assuring myself that I
was in control again.
When I sat down a few feet away, I was composed enough to take a few experimental breaths.
She still looked so sad that I smiled hoping to comfort her. "I am so sorry," I said, and then
wanting to lighten the mood with a joke I added, "Would you understand what I meant if I said
I
was only human?"
She only nodded once without smiling and slowly her heart rate quickened as understanding

spread across her face. I could smell the adrenaline pulsing through her veins.

She finally fully understood. She was afraid of me.

Though I hadn't imagined it possible, it only made her smell more desirable. I smiled at the

irony.
Isn't this what I'd wanted? For her to be afraid of me enough to leave so I couldn't hurt her?
I could guess what she was thinking now, but I needed to say it out loud. She had to fully
understand what I was. "I'm the world's best predator, aren't I? Everything about me invites
you
in - my voice, my face, even mysmell. As if I need any of that!"
Without thinking I jumped up again and raced around the meadow in half a second. "As if you
could outrun me," I laughed humorlessly, and grabbed a two-foot-thick branch from a spruce.
Ripping it from the trunk, I threw it into another tree, leaving a gash in it's bark when the branch
shattered into it.
I ran back to stand two feet in front of her then, willing her to finally realize why she should
leave,
why I should have left long ago. "As if you could fight me off," I said gently, wanting her to
understand. She needed to know what I was.

Her eyes were wide staring at me, more afraid than I'd ever seen her, but she didn't run.

Suddenly, I realized that I didn't want her to leave.

I didn't care if it would be better for us both if she did. All I could feel was regret for my rash
behavior.
"Don't be afraid," I pleaded. Suddenly it didn't matter that I couldn't deserve her because I
would
never stop trying. "I promise«" I started to say, stopping when I realized the statement wasn't
strong enough. "Iswear not to hurt you." In that instant I decided that Iwas strong enough. I
would keep her safe from myself. It didn't make any of this easier, but making that decision
gave
me enough determination to keep my promise. When she didn't respond I wondered if I was
already too late. Had I scared her too much? If she left now it would be only what I deserve,
but I
was selfish enough to try again.
"Don't be afraid," I whispered taking a slow step towards her. Cautiously watching her
stunnedexpression, I sat down even more slowly just a foot away, and said, "Please forgive me.
Icancontrol myself. You caught me off guard. But I'm on my best behavior now."
She still didn't say anything and I sought to lighten this dark mood. "I'm not thirsty today,
honestly," I winked, and at that, she finally laughed breathlessly.
"Are you all right?" I asked, wanting to reverse time and have her trust again.
I carefully put my hand back in hers and she looked down at it before looking into my eyes.
Thenlooking down at my hand again, she started to deliberately trace my skin with her finger
tips. Shelooked at me then with a timid smile, and I smiled brightly back, ecstatic that she still
wanted tobe near me.
"So where were we, before I behaved so rudely?"

"I honestly can't remember."

Again, I felt ashamed for my behavior as I perfectly remembered what she'd said before I

frightened her. "I think we were talking about why you were afraid, besides the obvious reason."

"Oh, right."

"Well?" I prompted, but she just went back to tracing my hand. How could a few moments seem
like an eternity to an immortal?
After several seconds ticked slowly by, I couldn't stand the silence anymore. "How easily
frustrated
I am," I sighed.
She looked at me then with a new spark of understanding in her eyes and immediately said,
"Iwas afraid« because, for, well, obvious reasons, I can'tstay with you. And I'm afraid that I'd
liketo stay with you, much more than I should." She looked down again depriving me of her
eyes toknow further what she meant.
There seemed to be more, but I could understand what she'd already said. It was what I'd
expected. She'd thought of becoming a vampire and doesn't want that.
"Yes," I nodded, "That is something to be afraid of indeed." I thought of the horror of taking her
soul away, and Alice's vision of her with blood red eyes, no longer the deep brown that revealed
so
much to me when her voice did not. The vision couldn't show if Bella regretted the change or if
she
hated me for ever coming into her life.
"That is something to be afraid of, indeed. Wanting to be with me. That's really not in your
best
interest."
She frowned when I said that, and I said again what I'd been thinking for so long, "I should
have

left long ago. I should leave now, but I don't know if I can."

"I don't want you to leave," she mumbled, staring at my hand.

"Which is exactly why I should," I said, thinking again of why she shouldn't care for me. "But

don't
worry. I'm essentially a selfish creature. I crave your company too much to do what I should."
"I'm glad."
"Don't be!" I pulled my hand from hers thinking of how her scent burned in my throat at this
moment and every other. I knew what I was and I never could escape this life. "It's not only
your
company I crave! Never forgetthat. Never forget I am more dangerous to you than I am to
anyone else." I stared into the forest, disgusted at how I'd had to run away from her just a few
minutes ago to keep myself from sinking my teeth into her neck.
"I don't think I understand exactly what you mean - by that last part anyway," she said.
I smiled at the simple curiosity in her expression, and the irony considering the subject she so
calmly brought up.
"How do I explain? And without frightening you again« hmmm." I put my hand back in hers
and
looked down as she tightly held my hand again in both of hers.
"That is amazingly pleasant, the warmth," I admitted, and then thought of how I could explain
her
scent without using a food analogy. When I couldn't think of anything else that would make
any
sense to her I just hoped the analogy wouldn't be too offensive.
"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors? Some people love chocolate ice cream,
others

prefer strawberry?"

She nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy - I couldn't think of another way to explain."

She smiled encouragingly, and I smiled back wryly knowing that she was encouraging my
explanation and not the topic behind it.
"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a
room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a
recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy,
the rarest, finest cognac - and filled the room with it's warm aroma - how do you think he would
fare then?"
We sat silently, staring into each other's eyes. She seemed to be trying to read my mind now as
I'd so often tried to read hers. I thought the analogy wasn't vivid enough so I attempted a
different one.
"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy.
Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."
"So what you're saying," understanding sparking in her eyes, "Is, I'm your brand of heroin?"
Her
tone sounded teasing, though her observation was quite accurate.
"Yes," I smiled rejoicing that I could make her understand even a little bit. "You areexactly my
brand of heroin."
"Does that happen often?"

I looked away from her, feeling ashamed again for what I am and what I've done. "I spoke to my
brothers about it," I started to say, not wanting to admit the truth of our dark world, but she
needed to know. "ToJasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our
family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the
differences in smell, in flavor." I looked at her then wondering if I'd offended her when I
referenced tasting human blood.
"Sorry,"
"I don't mind. Please don't worry about offending me, or frightening me, or whichever. That's
the
way you think. I can understand, or I can try to at least.Just explain however you can."
I looked into the sky, away from her eyes and took a deep breathe before finishing my
explanation. "SoJasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as," I paused
looking for the right word. Appetizing? Delectable? Savory? Umm« "Appealing as you are to
me.
Which makes me think not. Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he

understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"And for you?"

"Never."

She seemed to be watching the word I'd just spoken as if it were hung in the air in between us.

"What did Emmett do?"

That was the wrong question to ask, and I wasn't going to answer it. I clenched my fist inside of
her open hands, willing myself to not think of what I'd seen in his mind when Bella was so near
to

me, so fragile and accepting.

"I guess I know," she finally said.

I looked at her then wanting her to understand just how hard it was for us to deny our nature in
the first place, to live the lifestyle that we'd chosen. Trying to defend Emmett I said, "Even the
strongest of us fall off the wagon, don't we?"
"What are you asking? My permission?" Her voice was sharper than I'd ever heard it. Then
more
quietly she asked, "I mean, is there no hope, then?"
"No, no! Of course there's hope! I mean, of course I won't«" I stared into her eyes wishing I
could
make her see just how much she meant to me, how much I'd already suffered through, forcing
myself to keep her safe.
"It's different for us. Emmett« these were strangers he happened across. It was a long time ago,
and he wasn't as« practiced, as careful, as he is now." I watched her as she thought of these
things and understanding flickered in her eyes.
"So if we'd met.. Oh, in a dark alley or something«"
"It took everything I had not to jump up in the middle of that class full of children and -" I
couldn't
finish the thought and looked away from her, swallowing the venom that pooled in my mouth.
The
repulsion I felt for myself made it easier to speak of these things without bringing back the
uncertainty that I'd felt at the beginning of the day. "When you walked past me, I could have
ruined everything Carlisle has built for us, right then and there. If I hadn't been denying my
thirst
for the last, well, too many years, I wouldn't have been able to stop myself."
I looked at her then, remembering my rudeness that day. "You must have thought I was
possessed."
"I couldn't understand why. How you could hate me so quickly«"
"To me, it was like you were some kind of demon, summoned straight from my own personal
hell
to ruin me. The fragrance coming off your skin« I thought it would make me deranged that first
day. In that one hour, I thought of a hundred different ways to lure you from the room with me,
to
get you alone. And I fought them each back, thinking of my family, what I could do to them. I
had
to run out, to get away before I could speak the words that would make you follow«" I looked
at
her then seeing the shocked realization spreading across her face. She had no idea that she'd
been
in such danger.
"You would have come," I said, expecting her to deny it.
"Without a doubt."
I looked at our hands again frowning at my futile attempts to avoid her. "And then, as I tried
torearrange my schedule in a pointless attempt to avoid you, you were there - in that close,
warmlittle room, the scent was maddening. I so very nearly took you then. There was only one
otherfrail human there - so easily dealt with."
She shivered once, and then again. She was realizing what really was going on that day.
Probably
picturing too much, so I went on quickly, "But I resisted. I don't know how. I forced myselfnot to
wait for you,not to follow you from the school. It was easier outside, when I couldn't smell you
anymore, to think clearly, to make the right decision. I left the others near home - I was too
ashamed to tell them how weak I was, they only knew something was very wrong - and then I
went straight to Carlisle, at the hospital, to tell him I was leaving."
Of all the things I'd told her throughout the day, I didn't understand how that would be the
piece
of information that shocked her. But there she sat, wide eyed and clearly surprised. Didn't she
realize that I'd left? I'd thought about her every second I was away. I wanted to ask her what
she
did during those days. It had been nagging at me, wondering what I'd missed during my
pathetic
escape attempt, but her eyes were urging me to continue, and this day was hers.
"I traded cars with him - he had a full tank of gas and I didn't want to stop. I didn't dare to go
home, to face Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene. She would have tried to
convince me that it wasn't necessary«" I paused, ashamed to be admitting my cowardice. "By
the
next morning I was in Alaska.
"I spent two days there, with some old acquaintances« but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd
upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was
hard
to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with
temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an
insignificant little girl" - I grinned thinking of how blind I was then to this beautiful woman
sitting
before me - "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back«"
I looked away from her then, letting the truth finally spill out, "I took precautions, hunting,
feeding
more than usual before seeing you again. I was sure that I was strong enough to treat you like
any other human. I was arrogant about it.
"It was unquestionably a complication that I couldn't simply read your thoughts to know what
your
reaction was to me. I wasn't used to having to go to such circuitous measures, listening to your
words inJessica's mind« her mind isn't very original, and it was annoying to have to stoop to
that.
And then I couldn't know if you really meant what you said. It was all extremely irritating." I
would
save her from the knowledge ofjust how irritating it really had been hearingJessica's unkind
thoughts and seeing Mike's fantasies.
"I wanted you to forget my behavior that first day, if possible, so I tried to talk with you like I
would with any person. I was eager actually, hoping to decipher some of your thoughts. But
you
were too interesting, I found myself caught up in your expressions« and every now and then
you
would stir the air with your hand or your hair, and the scent would stun me again«

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed to death in front of my eyes." I knew this was the
answer to the question that had plagued her for far too long, so I continued quickly, "Later I
thought of a perfectly good excuse for why I acted at that moment - because if I hadn't saved
you,
if your blood had been spilled there in front of me, I don't think I could have stopped myself
from
exposing us for what we are. But I only thought of that excuse later. At the time, all I could think
was, 'Not her.'" I closed my eyes, agonizing for what I am and for admitting all of it. Out loud,
my
confession sounded so much more horrendous to my own ears.
"In the hospital?" she asked, and I was startled that after all I'd confessed, she was still
searchingfor more answers from my darkest moments. How much more truth could she take?
Yet I forcedmyself to continue.
"I was appalled. I couldn't believe I had put us in danger after all, put myself in your power -
youof all people. As if I needed another motive to kill you." We both flinched as I let that word
slip outand I continued quickly, "But it had the opposite effect. I fought with Rosalie, Emmett,
andJasperwhen they suggested that now was the time« the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle
sided withme, and Alice." I tried my best not to show anything on my face, but it was
impossible to think ofAlice and that night without also thinking about her two unacceptable
visions for Bella's future.
"Esme told me to do whatever I had to in order to stay." I shook my head remembering
hermotherly thoughts of wanting me to stay and rejoicing at Alice's vision that I'd fall in love
with Bella.
"All that next day," I went on, "I eavesdropped on the minds of everyone you spoke to,
shockedthat you kept your word. I didn't understand you at all. But I knew that I couldn't
become moreinvolved with you. I did my very best to stay as far from you as possible. And
every day theperfume of your skin, your breath, your hair« it hit me as hard as the very first
day."
I looked into her eyes then thinking of my love for her. "And for all that, I'd have fared better if
I
had exposed us all at that first moment, than if now, here - with no witnesses and nothing to
stop
me - I were to hurt you."
"Why?" she asked, not seeing, even though I'd told her everything I'd done to keep her safe,
how
much I love her.
"Isabella," I carefully said, wanting her to fully understand how much she meant to me, and
then
quickly decided it might be better to keep the mood lighter, I ruffled her hair playfully. "Bella,
I
couldn't live with myself if I ever hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me." I dropped
my
head again in shame. "The thought of you, still, white, cold«to never see you blush scarlet
again,
to never see that flash of intuition in your eyes when you see through my pretenses« it would
be
unendurable."
With that, I met her gaze and all the pain I was feeling, all the agony I'd suffered fighting the
monster inside disappeared, and I realized that there was no reason to hide my feelings. She
was
finally going to know the truth. She would finally understand.
"You are the most important thing to me now. The most important thing to me ever."
I watched her closely she didn't say anything, and I wondered if I'd said too much. If she could
ever care for me after I'd admitted my abhorrent desire and cowardice.
She stared at our hands for a moment and then said, "You already know how I feel, of course.
I'mhere«which, roughly translated, means I would rather die than stay away from you." She
frownedfor a moment and then said, "I'm an idiot."
That sent me over the edge. I grinned, like the absolute fool that I was and laughed in
agreement,
because her reactions really were ridiculous.
"Youare an idiot," I said and as I laughed she looked into my eyes and laughed with me. We
laughed together at the sheer impossibility of our love and what had brought us to this moment.
Then we just smiled at each other for a while.
"And so the lion fell in love with the lamb«" I finally said, and she looked away, hiding her eyes,
but her heart rate sped up and her hands felt warmer around mine than they had before. I
recognized her shy reaction at my confession of love, and if she needed time to let it sink in, I'd
give her as much as she needed. I'd give her anything.
"What a stupid lamb," she sighed.
"What a sick, masochistic lion," I said, correcting her. I looked back to the forest where I'd had
to

run from her only a few minutes before.

"Why«?" she began, pausing uncomfortably.

I smiled, encouraging her to continue. "Yes?"

"Tell me why you ran from me before."

"You know why," I said bitterly, not wanting to think of it again, more determined than ever to
keep complete and perfect control when we were together, to never let her be afraid again.
"No, I mean,exactly what did I do wrong? I'll have to be on my guard, you see, so I better
startlearning what I shouldn't do. This, for example" - she stroked the back of my hand again -
"seemsto be all right."
I smiled again, enjoying her touch. "You didn't do anything wrong, Bella. It was my fault."
"But I want to help, if I can, to not make this harder for you," she insisted, tender concern
written
on her face.
"Well," I said reluctantly, not wanting to re-live the moment, but wanting to be honest with
her.
"It was just how close you were. Most humans instinctively shy away from us, are repelled by
our
alienness«I wasn't expecting you to come so close. And the smell of yourthroat." I said
urgently,
the burn flaring in my own throat again as I remembered, but I was in control this time. There
was
nothing for her to worry about and I checked to make sure her eyes weren't fearful.
"Okay, then," she said as if I were talking about something completely unimportant, rather than
her survival. Then in possibly the cutest gesture I'd ever seen her make, she tucked her chin
under her collar, smiled, and said, "No throat exposure."
I laughed, ecstatic that I was able to talk openly with her about everything now.
Of course I didn't want her to think she needed to start wearing turtlenecks everyday, so I
quickly
clarified.
"No, really, it was more the surprise than anything else."
Slowly, I reached up to touch the side of her neck. Her skin was so soft, so delicate, and I
wondered what it would be like to brush against it with my nose« my lips... She seemed to like
my
touch as much as I relished hers, so I left my hand on her neck, feeling her pulse under my
fingertips.
"You see," I told her calmly. "Perfectly fine." And I really was. Even as I listened to her pulse
race,took in her luxurious scent, I couldn't feel even the slightest lapse in my control. All I
could thinkabout was how I wanted to touch her more and make her heart race faster.
The man was finally winning the battle with the monster. Even though part of my mind still
gnashed for control my decision to never hurt her gave me that strength that I'd been so
desperate for. Knowing this and feeling overwhelmed with the thought that I could finally
touch
her the way I'd longed to do, I decided to test myself just a bit further.
As Bella's heart raced, her cheeks turned their familiar shade of pink. I didn't want her to be
embarrassed about her reactions to me. I enjoyed them. They reminded me that at least some
part of her longed for me as I longed for her and gave me another glimpse into her mind.
"The blush on your cheeks is lovely," I said softly, and watched, pleased as the shade
deepened.
Reluctantly, I took my other hand from hers and it fell lifelessly to her side. She didn't want me
tolet go either. It was the most amazing feeling to be so wanted. Eager to show her my
intentions, Ibrushed my fingers lightly along her soft cheek. She sighed and I felt her relax
beneath my touch.Encouraged, I brought my other hand up from her neck and cupped her face
delicately betweenmy hands, always aware of how utterly breakable she was.
"Be very still," I whispered. Keeping my eyes locked with hers, I silently reminded her not to
make
any sudden movements as I leaned closer. My fingers were still tingling from the sensation of
touching her face and neck. I wanted to feel that warmth on my face, wanted to feel that much
more human with her.
I pressed my cheek against the hollow at the base of her throat, and took one shallow breath to
see how much more potent her scent would be in such close proximity. The thirst raked at my
throat, but I was so happy to be touching her that I could almost forget the pain.
Assured that I was still in complete control, I listened to her uneven heart beat and her
quickbreathing, reveling in the fact that it wasn't brought on by fear. When her breathing
slowed, Icarefully let my hands slide down the sides of her neck.
She shivered and my breath caught in my throat. I marveled at the impossibility that she cared
for
me and wanted me near her as much as I wanted her. I left my hands resting on her shoulders
and brushed my nose gently across her collarbone, inhaling her sweetness. The burn in my
throat
was nearly forgotten because I was finally touching her as I'd longed to do, and she was
actually
safe in my arms.
So often, since the moment that I'd realized I loved her, I had wished this were possible. My
nose
and face tingled as I skimmed down her collar bone to her chest, pressing my ear to the
thumping
rhythm of her heart. Eventually her heart slowed to a normal pace and she relaxed into me. I
lost
all track of time, treasuring each precious beat of her heart. I realized then that there was a
middle point to Alice's visions and we were enjoying it now. Now I knew that I could be with
her as
she was. She could stay human, she wouldn't have to lose her soul to be with me or risk near
death every time I was in her presence. I could be near her, even as close as this, feeling her
warm breath in my hair, and she would be safe. Impossibly, I'd made myself safe enough for
her
to be near me.
The side of my face grew warmer the longer I held my ear against her heart, and eventually I
no
longer felt the burn in my throat at all because so many new human emotions and desires were

overshadowing it and growing stronger as I held her.

I sighed, finally releasing her. "It won't be so hard again," I said assuredly.

"Was that very hard for you?" she asked.

"Not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be. And you?"

"No, it wasn't bad«for me."

I smiled at her inflection. "You know what I mean."

She smiled, and I took her hand. "Here," I said, placing her hand on my face. "Do you feel how
warm it is?"
Her eyes were intent. "Don't move," she whispered.
I closed my eyes and held perfectly still as she traced the outlines of my cheek, up to my
forehead, down across my eye lids, tracing a warm tingle down my nose, and across my lips.
Feelings I had never known filled me as she touched my face and mouth. I let my lips part and
breathed her scent in, almost tasting her sweetness and feeling the tingly fire from her finger
tips
spread through my lips.
Did she have any idea what she was doing to me? This feeling was so new, and so completely
unexpected. On the one hand I wanted to pull her close and inhale her luscious scent until it
drove
me mad. But more than that, I felt a new kind of desire, one I hadn't believed myself capable of
and still didn't understand fully. My lips burned under her touch in a completely different way
than
my throat.
Too soon, she stopped. I opened my eyes then, hungry for more, and I saw the desire in her
eyes
as well. Could I find the strength to kiss her as well? I pictured leaning into her and feeling the
heat of her lips against mine. Her pulse speed as my eyes bore into hers.
"I wish," I started to say, "I wish you could feel the«complexity«the confusion«I feel. That
youcould understand." I lifted my hand to her hair and gently brushed back a strand that had
blownacross her face.
"Tell me," she breathed.
"I don't think I can. I've told you, on the one hand, the hunger - the thirst - that, deplorable
creature that I am, I feel for you. And I think you can understand that, to an extent. Though" - I
half-smiled - "as you are not addicted to any illegal substance, you probably can't empathize
completely. But«" I paused, lightly tracing her lips with my fingertips remembering her touch
on
my own. "There are other hungers. Hungers I don't even understand, that are foreign to me."

"I may understandthat better than you think." She smiled.

"I'm not used to feeling so human," I admitted, "Is it always like this?"

"For me?" She paused. "No, never. Never before this."

I held her hands in mine, looking at their fragile delicacy. Could I always be able to handle her

as
softly as I needed to and not break her? "I don't know how to be close to you," I said aloud. "I
don't know if I can."
She leaned closer to me, cautioning me with her eyes and placed her cheek against my chest.
"This is enough," she sighed.
Even with her desirable scent floating around her head right under my nose and completely
vulnerable leaning against me, at each moment I felt more human. I carefully wrapped my
arms

around her and leaned my face against her hair.

"You're better at this than you give yourself credit for," she commented.

"I have human instincts - they may be buried deep, but they're there."

And they were, so many new feelings that I'd never known. I never could have known them in

all
the decades of my existence because she wasn't alive then. We held each other until the
lightbegan to fade and the shadows of the trees crept close to us. She sighed and I knew what
shemust be thinking.

"You have to go."

"I thought you couldn't read my mind."

"It's getting clearer." I smiled at how I was beginning to know her in so many ways. Then I had

an
idea and pulled her away from me so that I could look at her face. "Can I show you
something?" I

was excited that she could now be close enough to me to experience this.

"Show me what?"

"I'll show you howI travel in the forest."

She looked nervous.

"Don't worry, you'll be very safe, and we'll get to your truck much faster." I grinned in

anticipation, sure that she'd enjoy the ride as much as I always enjoyed running.

"Will you turn into a bat?" she asked warily.

I had to laugh then, the look on her face was priceless. "Like I haven't heardthat one before!"

"Right, I'm sure you get that all the time."

"Come on, little coward, climb on my back."

She hesitated still looking at me as if I'd turn into some winged creature at any moment. I smiled
at the thought, and reaching for her, I swung her onto my back. She clamped her legs and arms
around me and said, "I'm a bit heavier than your average backpack."
"Hah!" I snorted, rolling my eyes at the thought of her feathery lightness being a problem for
me.In fact,I had never felt so light as I did now. I took her hand and pressed her palm to my
nose,inhaling deeply. "Easier all the time." I noted.
And then I couldn't hold my excitement in any longer.
I started running.
The exhilaration was even more intense as I realized just how far we'd come today. I never
thought it would be possible to be so close to her, and when I remembered her fingertip on my
lips
I wondered again if it would be possible to be closer still, to kiss her. I'd never even considered
this as remotely possible before today, but I was certain now that if it became too hard for me,
I
would be able to stop. I wouldn't hurt her. I was sure of this now, and my joy at this revelation
led
me to run even faster. We were at her truck in just a few minutes.
"Exhilarating, isn't it?" I said when I stopped, then waited for her to climb off my back. When
she

didn't move I was worried.

"Bella?"

"I think I need to lie down," she gasped.

"Oh, sorry," I said, realizing that she might be feeling some motion sickness, but she still didn't
move.
"I think I need help." Her voice was weak.

I gently loosened her hold on me and couldn't help laughing quietly. I was still so elated with
thisnew sensation of having her close without fear. I moved her from my back and cradled her
in myarms for a moment before laying her on some springy turf.
"How do you feel?" I asked, observing the look that I'd seen before - after the blood-typing in
biology.
"Dizzy, I think."
"Put your head between your knees," I suggested, remembering how it had helped her then..
Eventually, she raised her head. She still looked pale. "I guess that wasn't the best idea," I
thought aloud.
"No, it was very interesting." Her voice was still shaky.

"Hah! You're as white as a ghost - no, you're as white asme!"

"I think I should have closed my eyes."

"Remember that next time."

"Next time!" She groaned in alarm.

I laughed again at the look on her face.

"Show-off," she muttered.

I knew that it would just be a matter of practice, like everything else about our relationship.

She
was apart of my world now, and I was apart of hers. I leaned close to her face, wanting more to
practice.
"Open your eyes, Bella," I said quietly. She was surprised, but didn't shy away, so I continued,
"I

was thinking, while I was running«" I hesitated, trying to find the right words.

"About not hitting the trees, I hope."

"Silly Bella," I chuckled. "Running is second nature to me, it's not something I have to think

about."

"Show-off," she muttered again.

I smiled at her. "No, I was thinking there was something I wanted to try."

I took her soft face, holding it gently between my palms, and for a moment, she stopped

breathing
altogether. It wasn't until then that I realized I'd been holding my breath. I took one careful breath
in. Even with her face inches from mine, her intoxicating scent filling my nose, and her moist
lips
parting as she realized what I wanted to do - I was in control.
I moved very slowly toward her until I could taste her scent as well as smell it. Her breath
washing
over my face was so warm, just like her touch, and I paused to marvel at how wonderful it felt.
Taking another deep and cautious breath I knew I was still in control, and I watched her eyes
close
softly. A quiet sigh escaped her lips and it was all the reassurance I needed. There was no need
great enough to make me harm her, now or ever. So I let my own eyes close, and pressed my lips
to hers.
It was the most magnificent feeling, the painless burning that I felt from her fingertips
multiplied
into a tingling passion. I could taste her on my lips but it didn't ignite the painful thirst as I had
expected. It made me long for more of her embrace. The electricity that sparked between us
when
we touched was now a bolt of lightning.
Suddenly, Bella's heart beat erratically and I could smell adrenaline pumping through her
veins.
Her fingers knotted in my hair as she pulled me closer. Her warm lips parted with wild gasps,
and

the hint of her flavor became a real taste as her breath and saliva found my tongue.

Her reaction was too much.

I froze, clamping my jaw shut.

Gently, I moving her face a few inches away from me while simultaneously forcing the beast

back
under my control. I held my breath for a moment as I stared into her eyes to calm myself. The

maddening desire to drink her blood raged inside of me, gnashing at the bars of my control.

After a moment of taking in my expression she just whispered, "Oops."

"That's an understatement," I said with the air that I was holding in my lungs.

She tried to move her head from between my hands and said, "Should I«?" Probably thinking it
would be easier for me, but I didn't want her to disturb the air with her scent and looking into
her
eyes was helping me.
"No, it's tolerable. Wait for a moment, please." I was growing more practiced with controlling
myself. I could hear the snarling and desire ringing in my head, but it wouldn't escape my
control.
And after a few moments, I'd calmed myself enough to breathe normally again and let her go. I

smiled slightly at the thought of her reaction to my kiss.

"There."

"Tolerable?" she asked.

I laughed, thrilled by the success. "I'm stronger than I thought. It's nice to know."

"I wish I could say the same. I'm sorry."

I wasn't quite as sorry for her reaction as she seemed to be and joked. "Youare only human, after
all."
"Thanks so much," she said, looking annoyed.
I jumped to my feet then and offered her my hand. She still seemed a bit off balance and I was
enjoying the fact that now I could take her hand in mine and act like myself around her. For so
long I'd wished I could simply hold her hand and we'd come much farther than I'd imagined
could
be possible. I felt carefree for the first time in so long, it probably would have made me dizzy
if I
were human.
"Are you still faint from the run? Or was it my kissing expertise?" I teased, grinning at how
utterly
human I felt at this moment. For the first time in my existence I was untroubled by my
monstrous

desires. Today, the beast was the loser.

"I can't be sure, I'm still woozy," she said shakily, "I think it's some of both, though."

"Maybe you should let me drive."

"Are you insane?" She gasped, shock written on her face. Was she teasing me?
"I can drive better than you on your best day," I said. Her fear of my driving ofall things was
what

was insane. "You have much slower reflexes."

"I'm sure that's true, but I don't think my nerves, or my truck, could take it."

"Some trust, please, Bella." It seemed a silly thing to remind her when she'd already trusted me
with her life so often today.
She pursed her lips and stared at me a moment before shaking her head. "Nope. Not a chance."
I couldn't believe what she was saying to me. Was she reallythat afraid of my driving? I didn't
think she was really serious till she started to walk to the drivers side. When she swayed
slightly, I
caught her around the waist and said, "Bella, I've already expended a great deal of personal
effort
at this point to keep you alive. I'm not about to let you behind the wheel of a vehicle when you
can't even walk straight. Besides, friends don't let friends drive drunk," I quoted, chuckling at
the
thought ofwhy she appeared that way.
"Drunk?" she objected.
"You're intoxicated by my very presence." I grinned, enjoying the fact that she felt the same
way
around me as I felt when I was with her.
"I can't argue with that," she sighed and dropped the keys, knowing I'd catch them before they
hit

the ground. "Take it easy - my truck is a senior citizen."

"Very sensible," I nodded. I wouldn't mind driving slowly this once.

"And are you not affected at all? By my presence?" She sounded annoyed.

I looked at her then, willing her to understand just how much I loved her. I simply bent my face

to
hers and brushed my lips slowly along her jaw. Back and forth from her ear to her chin,
breathingin her intoxicating aroma. Inside I felt like Icould be drunk, reeling from her touch,
her scent, andthis new exuberance after being depressed and unsure for so long.
"Regardless," I finally murmured, "I have better reflexes."
ind over Matter - 16
The trucks sluggish speed and loud engine seemed like a blessing now instead of a frustration,
because I was holding Bella's hand. After today's accomplishments I thought that nothing
could
bother me again. It didn't matter right now about the future, of right and wrong, of Alice's
visions,
I could only enjoy this moment. We were closer now than I'd ever dreamed possible. I'd not
only
been able to control myself enough to kiss her, but she had actually wanted me too.
I had never kissed anyone before today (at least not this kind of kiss) and I smiled again at her
reaction.
We drove south-west, and as I looked into the setting sun, I thought of what Bella meant to me.
I'd thought of an analogy before, but now it was more true than ever. Her chestnut hair blowing
out the open window, twisting in and out, tangling around her neck and shoulder, and her
exquisite face beaming up at me.
She was my sun.
I didn't know how or why I was so fortunate that she could care for me. It was an impossibility.
The sun rising in the middle of my night, yet here she was.

My carefree mood made me feel like singing. I turned on her radio and smiled at the song that
filled the car. It was "You Send Me" by Sam Cooke. I'd heard it many times and sang along,
knowing now what the writer might have felt like when he came up with the lyrics. The words
were
a poor, rather trite, interpretation for my emotions, but it made me chuckle to think how
appropriate it felt right now.
"You like fifties music?" she asked, looking curiously at me.
"Music in the fifties was good. Much better than the sixties, or the seventies, ugh!" I shuddered
in

mock disgust. "The eighties were bearable."

"Are you ever going to tell me how old you are?" she asked quietly.

"Does it matter much?" I smiled at her, feeling too happy to think that anything could matter at
this moment except basking in our new love.
"No, but I still wonder«" she grimaced, making me think it might matter at least a little to her.
"There's nothing like an unsolved mystery to keep you up at night."
"I wonder if it will upset you," I mused, staring into the setting sun again. There seemed no
reasonto keep my past from her after all, but there was always the chance that something I say
could betoo much to handle and she'd run screaming like she should have long ago. I wanted to
prolongthe time that I had with her before she changed her mind about me, but, I couldn't
refuse to tellher more about myself. I didn't want her to continue to love me under false
pretenses.
"Try me," she said interrupting my thoughts.
I sighed and looked into her eyes, wondering if my real age would bother her too much. She
seemed just curious though, so I looked again at the sun sinking below the trees, the shadows
growing longer, and after turning the radio down, I started my story.
"I was born in Chicago in 1901." I paused briefly to glance at her face. Her reaction was
unsurprised and I smiled at how her responses were always so opposite from a normal persons.
"Carlisle found me in a hospital in the summer of 1918. I was seventeen, and dying of the
Spanish
influenza."
She gasped and I looked at her again, wondering what had shocked her. Her eyes were full of
concern and I realized that she must be worried for my suffering.
"I don't remember it well - it was a very long time ago, and human memories fade." I thought
back to those hazy memories. They were of course much more clear in Carlisle's mind and I'd
seen
them from his perspective, but I couldn't remember how it felt to have that disease. "I do
remember how it felt, when Carlisle saved me. It's not an easy thing, not something you could
forget."
"Your parents?"
"They had already died from the disease. I was alone. That was why he chose me. In all the
chaos

of the epidemic, no one would ever realize I was gone."

"How did he«save you?"

I wondered how much I could truthfully say without giving her too much information. I didn't

want
her to know how to become a vampire because I never would allow that to happen to her. The
least she knew about the mechanics of it, the safer her soul would be.
"It was difficult. Not many of us have the restraint necessary to accomplish it. But Carlisle has
always been the most humane, the most compassionate of us«I don't think you could find his
equal throughout all of history." I paused wondering again how much she should know. "For
me, it
was merely very, very painful."
I knew of course that she'd want more information, but she didn't need to know more and I
wasn't
going to explain it. To distract her from the questions that were inevitably still rolling in her
mind, I
said, "He acted from loneliness. That's usually the reason behind the choice. I was the first in
Carlisle's family, though he found Esme soon after. She fell from a cliff." I edited Esme's story
slightly. It wasn't for me to tell, but perhaps one day Esme would choose to tell Bella about the
death of her child and attempted suicide. "They brought her straight to the hospital morgue,
though, somehow, her heart was still beating."
"So you must be dying, then, to become«" she trailed off seeming afraid to say the word.
"No, that's just Carlisle. He would never do this to someone who had another choice." I knew
howhard it had been for him being alone so many hundreds of years and felt my respect for
him growas I thought again of his compassion and pure intentions. "It is easier he says, though,
if the bloodis weak." I looked at the dark shadows of the trees blackening the road in front of
us, and hopedshe'd let the subject go.
"And Emmett and Rosalie?"
"Carlisle brought Rosalie to our family next. I didn't realize till much later that he was hoping
she
would be to me what Esme was to him - he was careful with his thoughts around me." I rolled
my
eyes, thinking how absurdly mismatched Rosalie and I would be. "But she was never more
than a
sister. It was only two years later that she found Emmett. She was hunting - we were in
Appalachia at the time - and found a bear about to finish him off. She carried him back to
Carlisle,
more than a hundred miles, afraid she wouldn't be able to do it herself. I'm only beginning to
guess how difficult that journey was for her." I glanced at Bella, thinking of how hard today
had
been even without fresh blood as Rosalie had to endure. I lifted our joined hands and brushed
down her cheek with the back of my fingers.
"But she made it," Bella prompted looking out the window again.
"Yes," I murmured. "She saw something in his face that made her strong enough. And they've
been together ever since. Sometimes they live separately from us, as a married couple. But the
younger we pretend to be, the longer we can stay in any given place. Forks seemed perfect, so
we
all enrolled in high school." I laughed. "I suppose we'll have to go to their wedding in a few
years,
again." The charade seemed a little silly sometimes, but Alice always had fun designing a new
wedding dress for her, and the honey-moon trip was always a welcome relief for me from
Rosalie's
thoughts. Though I did miss Emmett when they were gone.
"Alice andJasper?
"Alice andJasper are two very rare creatures. They both developed a conscience, as we refer to
it,
with no outside guidance.Jasper belonged to another«family, avery different kind of family. He
became depressed, and he wandered on his own. Alice found him. Like me, she has certain
gifts
above and beyond the norm for our kind."
"Really?" Bella interrupted, looking fascinated. "But you said you were the only one who
could hear
people's thoughts."
"That's true. She knows other things. Shesees things - things that might happen, things that are
coming. But it's very subjective. The future isn't set in stone. Things change."
My jaw clenched shut as I remembered the two futures that Alice had seen of Bella. One of
hercold and lifeless, drained of blood, and the other of her with the flaming red eyes of a
newbornvampire. I glanced at her quickly resolving again that I wouldn't let either future come
to pass. Iknew now that there was a middle ground.
"What kinds of things does she see?"
"She sawJasper and knew that he was looking for her before he knew it himself. She saw Carlisle
and our family, and they came together to find us. She's most sensitive to non-humans. She
always sees, for example, when another group of our kind is coming near. And any threat they
may pose."
"Are there a lot of«your kind?" She seemed surprised and I wondered if the knowledge of what
we
are was finally sinking in.
"No, not many. But most won't settle in any one place. Only those like us, who've given up
hunting you people"- I glanced at her quickly-"can live together with humans for any length of
time." I wasn't quite sure how to admit what our natural food source was when I wastalking to
my
natural food source. She didn't flinch however so I continued, "We've only found one other
family
like ours, in a small village in Alaska. We lived together for a time, but there were so many of us
that we became too noticeable. Those of us who live«differently tend to band together."
"And the others?"
"Nomads, for the most part. We've all lived that way at times. It gets tedious, like anything
else.

But we run across the others now and then, because most of us prefer the North."

"Why is that?"

I parked in front of Bella's house and turned off the engine. Knowing that her father wasn't

home
yet, I wasn't worried about staying next to her for a while longer.
"Did you have your eyes open this afternoon?" I teased. "Do you think I could walk down the
street in the sunlight without causing traffic accidents? There's a reason why we chose the
Olympic
Peninsula, one of the most sunless places in the world. It's nice to be able to go outside in the
day.

You wouldn't believe how tired you can get of nighttime in eighty-odd years."

"So that's where the legends came from?"

"Probably." I shrugged.

"And Alice came from another family, likeJasper?"

"No, and thatis a mystery. Alice doesn't remember her human life at all. And she doesn't know
who created her. She awoke alone. Whoever made her walked away, and none of us
understandwhy, or how, he could. If she hadn't had that other sense, if she hadn't seenJasper
and Carlisleand known that she would someday become one of us, she probably would have
turnedinto atotal savage."
Bella seemed on the verge of asking more questions when her stomach growled. I realized that

she hadn't eaten during the whole day that she was with me.

"I'm sorry, I'm keeping you from dinner."

"I'm fine, really."

"I've never spent much time around anyone who eats food. I forget." I was bothered that I wasn't

taking better care of her and vowed to pay more attention to all her needs in the future.

"I want to stay with you," she pleaded.

"Can't I come in?" I asked, hopeful about the idea that I'd be invited in, instead of sneaking in

as
I'd been doing every other night.
"Would you like to?" She seemed surprised that I'd even consider the idea.