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What does the Mirror Say?

James Bryden
Performance Coach

A Guide to Finding out The Truth about Yourself


James Bryden is an Executive Performance Coach.
He specialises in helping people in high stress
occupations to function much better at work, in
relationships and at home.

He is also a distributor in Australia for Harrison


Assessments; an excellent workplace behaviour
assessment tool used for recruitment, personal & staff
development and career guidance.

The insights outlined in this booklet are a very small


part of a comprehensive program designed to make
your life clearer, easier to handle, more enjoyable and
more productive.
Contact Details:

James Bryden, REACH Performance Coaching


Phone/ fax: 08 92583420 Mobile: 04 2121 0444
Email: james@reachperformancecoaching.com.au
What Does The Mirror Say?

www.reachperformancecoaching.com.au

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Chapter 1

“Holding a grudge is like drinking poison then


waiting for it to kill your enemy” Nelson Mandela

I took an instant dislike to a young man I had never


seen before. It was quite unreasonable, and at first I
never tried to understand it. I was refereeing indoor
soccer, and as soon as he took to the court to play
with his new team I started to give him a hard time. I
couldn’t stand him, right from the start.

I picked on him mercilessly. I penalised him every


opportunity I could for the slightest indiscretion and
sent him off regularly. What I saw was a cocky,
arrogant boy who cared for no one but himself. He
was a good player who enjoyed being the centre of
attention and who treated the opposition with
contempt.

Every time I blew the whistle for some perceived


violation I could actually see he was wondering,
“What did I do wrong? What have I done to make
him hate me like this? What is going on here? I’ve
just come here to enjoy myself and I am being picked
on.”

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I could see that, and yet I kept up my unreasonable


prejudice against him. I didn’t like myself much for
it, but I felt powerless to stop it.

And then, one day, it hit me - right in the heart.

When I looked at him, I was seeing myself at his age.

I had not realised it, but his mannerisms, facial


features, attitude and style of play were very similar
to my own.

And I did not like what I saw. From that moment on I


was never bothered by him again. In fact, I felt sorry
for him.

That realisation started me thinking about my attitude


and other upsets in my life. I began to reflect on other
situations that may have reflected my own behaviour.
I can now see that most upsets of a reactive or knee-
jerk nature that I have are not about what I think they
are.

They are about me.

All I have to do is find out the real reasons. This book


may help you do just that for yourself. I hope the

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What Does The Mirror Say?

simple act of “making the darkness conscious” will


go a long way toward healing the past for you.

Chapter 2

I firmly believe that being very clear on what you


want is critical to your success, whatever you
consider that to be.

If you are full of emotional static and have beliefs


that are no longer valid then it makes sense that
identifying and removing them will make you far
more capable and your mind much clearer.

Even from very young age I knew something was


wrong, I didn’t feel comfortable around the other kids
and always had this strong feeling of not being good
enough.

I left school at 15 after stumbling my way through.


I’d had no interest in studying anything other than
football (soccer). I was an expert in just about all
aspects of the game, I don’t know whether I was
good at it because I enjoyed it or I enjoyed it because
I was good at it, but it ruled my life.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

One thing I did enjoy other than football however


was reading. I learned more from encyclopedias than
I did from the classroom. I don’t think I ever did one
evening’s worth of homework the whole time I was
at school. I guess I was a rebel.

Although I had no problems in terms of love and


affection from my family there was always a sense of
lack and that my place in life and that of those around
me were working class and we would never rise
above that.

Having said that, I spent the rest of my life trying to


rise above it. I felt the need to rise above my
perceived mediocrity. The problem was that
whenever I looked like succeeding in anything I did I
would always do something to sabotage and bring
myself back to “reality”.

This characteristic (which was driving me crazy)


finally ended when I went bankrupt at the age of 42
and lost everything.

It was entirely self-created from start to finish and I


could (and did) blame no-one else but me.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

My salvation came in the form of a 75 –year-old


woman called Betty. After the bankruptcy I was in a
fairly poor state to say the least and a friend of the
family suggested I get some help.

After receiving Betty’s phone number it took me


another two weeks to pluck up the courage to call
her.

Chapter 3

Betty had a remarkable ability to help people see


themselves in a totally different way. The first time I
went to see her I was really nervous and did not know
what to expect but she put me at ease and we started
to chat. The thing that struck me most about her was
that she was not well off but she seemed quite
comfortable and happy regardless of her
circumstances.

She specialised in identifying and eliminating


negative aspects of our personality she called
Identities. These are the parts or aspects of us that are
counter productive and operate outside of our
conscious behaviour. For instance, when I was in the
company of someone I considered important or
highly intelligent I used to feel inadequate or inferior.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Outside of those situations there was no problem, I


was confident and comfortable with myself. With the
right trigger the identity of being “inferior” took over.

Through a process of self observation and inquiry


followed by a short visualization procedure I was
able to see that Identity for what it really was.

Nothing.

The only power it had over me was the power I gave


it. All the energy I had put into it was now available
to me in a positive way. Not only did I feel better, I
was more able.

Her remarkable ability had me challenging my


assumptions about myself and the world around me.
This had a profound effect. I realised I had spent my
time fighting life instead of embracing it.

I also learned that the past starts right now and is


something I cannot change no matter how upset I get.

She showed me how worrying about something over


which I had no control was pointless.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

And if I did have control, then there was also no need


to worry or be anxious because I WAS in control.

Being able to confront or face feelings and “look


them in the eye” without judgment helped me see
them for what they are, phantoms or illusions. I found
that very liberating.

She took me from knowing ABOUT these things to


KNOWING. Just reading about an issue or being told
about a solution to a problem won’t necessarily stop
the feelings from arising. Clarity has real power.

She helped me KNOW this truth.

There is now a sense of gratitude within me for the


bad times as well as the good because these upsets
are the doorway to finding out the truth about me.

So, on the one hand I could now be grateful when


good things happened, and on the other I could also
be grateful for the bad things because they were
learning experiences. In fact, they were just
experiences, neither good nor bad, because the only
significance anything had was the significance I
gave it.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Chapter 4
“The highest form of maturity is self inquiry”.
Martin Luther King Jr.
As I continued using this approach on myself it
reconfirmed what I had learned already. All upsets
were an opportunity to learn the truth about me.
Many people won’t look at themselves, maybe
because they’re scared of what they may find out.
I worked with a man some years ago who was very
angry - he seemed to carry a chip on his shoulder. His
whole world view was based on the belief that
nobody can be trusted; it’s every man for himself and
that people will cheat you if they get a chance. As a
result of this belief he attracted the sort of people who
lived up to that expectation - very much a self-
fulfilling prophecy. The trouble was that he didn’t
realise that when he used the words “nobody can be
trusted” that that clearly included himself. He flatly
refused to consider that maybe his beliefs were the
cause of his misery.
Blaming others was and probably still is an easy way
out for him.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Most of our problems arise from a resistance to “what


is”. No amount of moaning and groaning is going to
change what has happened yet we persist.

“Clear thinking requires courage rather than


intelligence.” Thomas Szasz
The really sad part about stories like this is that the
fear of what you might find out about yourself is
greater than the pain you are actually in.
Ultimately this fear is baseless. What is scary is the
fear itself.
These types of reactionary upsets are like gold and
something to be grateful for because they are
wonderful opportunities to gain self-acceptance and
bring you more into the present.
But how do you do that?

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Chapter 5

“Our deepest fears are like dragons guarding our


deepest treasure”. Rainier Maria Rilke

One of the ways to heal the past is to follow this


simple process:
• Locate or remember a time someone or
something upset you.
• Observe what it was about that person or
situation that you did not like.
• Write your thoughts down, i.e. he was selfish,
arrogant, and ignorant and so on.
• Consider what it was about the situation that you
were resisting.
• Go through each of the items you have written
down one at a time, honestly look at yourself and
see if any of them may apply to you at times.
You may see yourself as sometimes selfish for
instance.
• As soon as you realise that the part of him you
don’t like is exactly what you don’t like about
that part of yourself, take another look at him.
Do you still feel the same way? The simple act
of acknowledging something you were not

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What Does The Mirror Say?

consciously aware of is part of the healing


process.

I was playing for my local soccer team one Sunday


morning some years ago. During the game a few
things had not gone our way, and I found myself
blaming the referee for our shortcomings. As we
were leaving the field I went over to the referee (who
was only doing it as a favour) and abused him.
Among the words I threw at him were “useless”,
“incompetent”, “weak” and well, you don’t really
want to know the rest. But, I’m sure you get the idea.

Almost immediately after this outburst I felt a great


deal of guilt and apologized profusely to him and the
other players, but it was some years later when I
recalled the incident that I applied the mirror to it. No
surprises here, but it is a good snapshot of how I
viewed myself at the time.

My failure was to not accept responsibility and


understand that the result of the game was really in
my hands and those of my teammates, not in his. My
eagerness to pass judgment on him was really a
way of blinding me to my own perceived faults.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Having said that, this does not mean that I just


changed the point of blame on to me so I could be
even harder on myself.

It became an opportunity to understand myself better.


After all, if my feelings towards him could suddenly
disappear due to this realization, then maybe I could
do the same for the feelings I had for myself.

It gave me hope.

Chapter 6
"When you become immobilized by what anybody
else thinks of you, what you are saying is that
someone else's opinion of you is more important
than your own opinion of yourself." Dr. Wayne
Dyer
I remember being at a function and being introduced
to somebody who seemed to look down on me. I
sensed sarcasm and that this person felt they were
superior. My feelings were a mixture of feeling
inferior and being angry.
Looking back on the incident using the mirror it is
clear that again, I was seeing something in a person
that I did not like about myself. That is, I sometimes

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What Does The Mirror Say?

behaved in the same way towards other people I


considered inferior to me. Dropping the need to judge
others has been a wonderful release for me as I am
learning to be more accepting of myself.
Because I have given up blaming people, which is a
very destructive form of judgement, I no longer have
the need to forgive anybody for anything. That does
not mean I cannot hold them accountable for their
actions - I can. What it does mean is that if I don’t
assign blame, I accept that what is, IS. There is
nothing and nobody TO forgive.
Looking through the eyes of the mirror I can see that
their pain is my pain. They are stuck in their own
stuff just as I was. If you are like most other people
then you are probably much harder and more
judgmental on yourself than you could ever be
towards anybody else.
Imagine meeting somebody whom you instantly
dislike because you consider them arrogant. The
other person sees the same in you and an argument
starts over something trivial.
Then you have the sight of two people having a go at
each other when all they are really doing is having a
go at themselves.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

It is bizarre and funny looking at it from this angle


but that is what happens. Has something similar
happened to you?
Chapter 7
“When one experiences truth, the madness of
finding fault with others disappears.” Goenka
All sorts of problems you have with other people and
situations can be examined and with a little practice
you can catch yourself while the incident is taking
place or at least shortly after.
I was on my way to work one morning, walking
along the footpath on a busy road in an industrial
area, when I noticed a vehicle approaching with its
left indicator on. The driver wanted to turn into the
driveway that I was just about to walk over. I stopped
and waved him through.
Well, that is exactly what he did but he drove straight
past without even looking at me or putting his hand
up to say thank you. My immediate reaction was one
of anger at his apparent rudeness.
Almost immediately I asked myself what it was
about his actions that I did not like. After a few
seconds’ reflection I realized that it was his apparent

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unwillingness to acknowledge me that got my blood


boiling.
But wait a minute, isn’t that what I have been doing
to myself all these years? And to others?
I have been more than willing to note everything that
I’ve done wrong and beat myself up over it,
reinforcing my inadequacies, but I have never
acknowledged the good things I have done.
Wow!
That poor man was an unwitting accomplice in
another act of self-healing. He may not have seen
me, maybe he did deliberately ignore me, he could
have been under a lot of stress or there was some
other reason entirely.
Whatever it was, it belonged to him, not me.

Chapter 8

Sometime ago a young man called Bill came to see


me because he was finding it hard to cope at work.
He found himself getting really irritated at a female
co-worker far too often and didn’t know why. He
knew it was irrational but couldn’t stop it.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Bill and I sat down together and had a look at what it


was he did not like about her behaviour. The trait she
displayed that he recognized as his own was
selfishness.

He saw that that was exactly how he had been


behaving at home, refusing to help around the house
and generally being uncooperative with his parents,
especially his mother.

Bringing that to the light of day caused him to take


stock and start to consider others as he would
consider himself.

While it is very obvious that someone who takes and


does not give is very selfish the converse can also be
true. That is, someone who will only give and refuses
to receive is also selfish.

Why is that?

Simply put, they are not allowing others to give.


Denying others the opportunity to do what you love
to do is not a fair exchange - is it?

Anna found herself getting slightly irritated with her


mother at a family barbecue one evening. She

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overheard her mother putting herself down with a


throwaway comment similar to “I couldn’t do that, I
am not smart enough”.

Through her previous work with me she had learned


how to apply the mirror. On closer inspection she
found that was exactly what she had been doing to
herself for a large part of her life. Yet she had not
been consciously aware of it.

Until now.

Andy was at a business meeting one evening and


started talking to a woman with a Scottish accent. He
took a dislike to her almost immediately and
withdrew from the conversation and possibly some
new business.

When we looked at this incident together a week or


two later he was able to understand the cause of his
discomfort and deal with it.

She had came across to him as being a “know it all”.


On reflection, he recognised that quality in himself at
times. Also, her accent and looks reminded him of an
aunt he had when he was young that he disliked
intensely.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

Fortunately, he was able to meet with her again soon


after and discuss doing business together.

As a result of our work, she no longer bothered him


as he had “made the darkness conscious” and learned
to be more accepting of himself.

Chapter 9

It is said that emotions are the body’s reaction to a


thought. Fair enough.

It follows then to say that if there was no bodily


reaction to an event or thought then there would not
be an emotion.

In a sense, all you would be left with is an opinion, a


viewpoint.

In her book Molecules of Emotion, Candace Pert puts


forward a strong argument that not only do thoughts
trigger feelings by the release of chemicals in the
brain, but the opposite is also true. Feelings affect
thoughts. Just think of a time you were sick. The

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What Does The Mirror Say?

chemicals communicate in both directions, from


brain to body and body to brain.

She has the view (which I share) that the


subconscious mind IS the body because that is where
the emotional memories are stored.

Whether we like to admit it or not, our subconscious


minds run the show.

If we consciously aim for a goal that subconsciously


we believe we do not deserve or are not worthy of,
then the subconscious will win. It wins because it
uses feelings to get its own way.

You are not aware of the real reasons, all you know is
you don’t feel good and that is enough to stop you.
Of course, gut feelings can be and often are beneficial
as well.

All I am suggesting is that you take a look. It may


well change your life.

People who learn to steer their subconscious mind so


it is pointing in the same direction as their conscious
mind are far more likely to achieve their goals than
those who do not.

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What Does The Mirror Say?

We call this congruence.

My job as a performance coach is to enable my


clients to be as congruent as possible so that self
sabotage and other self limiting behaviours are
minimised.

Simple isn’t it?

It is okay to write or say this, but it is not so easy to


stop the feelings coming up when things aren’t going
so well.

Or is it?
As I outlined earlier, I am so confident in my ability
to help you that I am offering you a trial session so
that you can see and experience for yourself why
investing in yourself is the best investment you will
ever make.
It costs nothing to find out.
Contact Details: James Bryden, REACH Performance Coaching

Phone/ fax: 08 92583420 Mobile: 04 2121 0444


Email: james@reachperformancecoaching.com.au
www.reachperformancecoaching.com.au

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What Does The Mirror Say?

James Bryden
Executive Performance Coach

So what do you want? More money?


More time? Less stress? More freedom?
Better relationship(s)? To just be happy?

In virtually any area of your life that you are


unhappy with, James has the technology
and skills to improve your performance
dramatically.

Evan Kolbe of Kolbe Systems understands the value: "All my


success derives from my mind. It makes sense then to look after it.
The end product to all this is getting what I want, when I want it,
and enjoying the process....Thanks Jim...... you are a true
professional in a field that needs you".

Vittorio Natoli of Viva Photography had this to say: “Not


knowing what to expect I consulted with James on a personal issue
dealing with long seated issues that I did not know how to resolve.
I quickly learned that James was very talented in his field…”

Mark Hutchison of It’s Bamboo is also a great believer in James’


methods because of the difference it has made to him in business
and personally. “I have been able to achieve things I never
thought I could before. Jim approaches problems in an alternative
yet very practical way.

I was so impressed with his methods I enlisted his help with my


employees. I have not been disappointed.”

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What Does The Mirror Say?

James is so confident in his ability to facilitate your personal


growth that he is offering a trial session so that you can see and
experience for yourself why investing in yourself is the best
investment you will ever make. Session availability is limited so
early bookings are essential.

He and Dr. Donna Brandes (who was a great help putting this
together) also run various workshops in the Perth area. These can
be tailored to suit any organisation.

Check James’ web site or www.synergyworks.com.au for more


details.

Contact Details:

James Bryden, REACH Performance Coaching


Phone/ fax: 08 92583420 Mobile: 04 2121 0444
Email: james@reachperformancecoaching.com.au

www.reachperformancecoaching.com.au

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