Bern ar d D eVo t O

W ITH I L L U STRATIONS BY

W IL L IAM B ARSS

HO U G HT O N M IF F L I N C O M P AN Y B O ST O N
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 R H 1 948 1 9 49 1 9 5 1 BER R
C OP Y IG T , , BY NA D E
D V O TO
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AL L R H S RESER E
IG T N H R H
V D I N CL U D I G T E IG T TO RE RO
P DU C E
H S O OR R S HEREO A
T I B OK PA T T F IN NY F OR M

01113 : R i mmin g fi rms

A R C M SS H SE S
BIB I DG E A AC U TT

R PH AI NTED I N T E U S. . .
 Co n te n ts

I . Th e American Sp irits

II .
$

For the W a ywar d and Begu i led 27

III . T h e Enemy

IV . The Hou r
 T h e Ame r ican Spir its

E ARE a pious people but a proud one too,

aware of a noble lineage and a great inheritance Let

.

us candidly admit that there are shameful blemishes

on the American past of which by far the worst is
,

rum Neverthel ess we have improved man s lot and

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enriched his civilization wi th rye bourbon and the

, ,

martini cocktail In all history has any other nation

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done so much ? Not by two thirds

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Whiskey came first $ it has been the drink of

atr i ots ever since freedom from her mountain
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p
2 Th e Ho u r

he ight unfurled her banner t o the air T h e Ameri .

can people achieved nationality and Old M on o n ga

hely in a single generation which should surprise ,

no o n e since nations flower swiftly once thei r genius

has budded Look for instance at the I rish for
.
, , ,

many centuries a breed of half naked cave dwellers -

sunk in i gnorance and sin and so mewh a t g i ve n t o

c ontentiousness T hen the gentle learned St Pat
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, .

r ick appeared among them He taught them t o make

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usquebaugh and at once they became the most cul

t u r e d people in the world N o o n e challenged the i r
.

supremacy certainly the Scotch didn t till I n splr a

,
’

tion crossed the Atlantic and set up a still in P e n n syl

vania .

Or look nearer home at the Indians Gentler than

, .

the Irish they were an engaging people whose trust

,

we repaid with atrocious cruelties (As when a fter .

,

the F rench had educated them to brandy we forced ,

rum on them ) Yet a thoughtful man may wonder

.

W hether they had it in them to rise t o cultural di s t i n c

tion T hey e voke both p i ty and dismay : north o f

.

Mexico they never learned t o make a fermente d bev

erage still less a distilled one Concede that they had
,
.

ingenuity and by means o f it achieved a marvel : they

took a couple of wi ld grasses and bred them up t o
corn But what did they do with corn ? Century
.
4 Th e Ho u r

succeeded century and regarding it as a mere food

, ,

they could not meet the challenge on which as Mr , .

T oynbee has pointed out their hopes o f civilization ,

hun g Across the continent every t i me the rains

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,

came some of the corn stored in their granaries began

to rot Would i t be doom the Age of Polish ed Stone
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,

forever or toward the stars ? T h e historian watches

, ,

h i s breathing suspended and sees the pointe r settle

,

toward decline T hey threw the spoiled stu ff out for

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the birds angrily reproaching their supernaturals

, ,

and never knew that the supernaturals had given

them a m ash .

T h e Americans got no help from heaven or the

saints but they knew what to do with corn In the .

heroic age our forefathers invented self government -

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the Co n st i t u t l o n and bourbon and on the way t o

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them they inv ented rye ( If I don t get rye whiskey

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$ ’

”
I surely will die expresses one of Mr T oynbee s i n
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exorable laws of civilization more succinctly than

e ve r he did ) Our political institutions were shaped
.

by our W hiskeys would be inconceivable W ithout

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them and share their nature T hey are distilled not

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only from our native grains but from ou r native

vigor suavity generosity peacefulness and love of
, , , ,

acco rd Whoever goes looking for us will find us

.

there
 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 5

It is true that the nation has never quite lived up

to them F r o mthe beginning a small company have
.

kept i dealism alight but the generality have been

,

content t o live less purely and less admirably T h e .

i deal is recognized everywhere $ it is embo died in an

American folk saying that const i tutes our highest
tribute to a fir s t class man He s a gentleman a
-
,
$ ’

scholar and a judge of good whiskey

, Unhappily .

it i s more often generous than deserved Anyone who .

will work hard enough can become a scholar and ,

nearly anyone can have or acquire gentility but there ,

are never many judges of good whiskey Now there .

are only you and I and a few more One reason is that .

there is l i ttle good W hiskey to j udge we do not hold

o u r fellows to the fullness of the nation s genius ’
.

In the era called Prohibition we lapsed into a bar

b ar i sm that wa s all but comple te though that dark
time did contribute some graces to our culture .

I n those days one heard much scorn of P r o h i b i

tion whiskey but the truth is that there was j us t
,

about as much good whiskey then as there had been

before or is now ( It was then moreover that a taste
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, ,

fo r Scotch previously confined to a few r ich men

,

who drank an alien liquor as a symbol of conspicuous

waste spread among us
, a blight which the true
born American regards as more destructive to t h e
6 Th e Hour

ancient virtues than Communism T hink of it less .

as a repudiation of our heritage than as the will t o

believe If we paid the bootlegger for Scotch we
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,

thought we might get the Real Old M cCoy though

, ,

o n e whiskey is as easily made as another where they

print the label and compound the flavori ng ) Such .

good whiskey as existed was hard to find but when

hadn t it been ? Be low the level of the truly good we
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went on drinking the same stu ff we had drunk b e

fore We are still drinking i t now T h e untutored
. . .

are and the unworthy

, .

T h e bootlegger that is did just what the publican

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had done during o u r golden age when the saloon ,

business was organized on a basis of straightforward ,

standardized adulteration Pick up a manual of.

trade practices published i n that van ished ti me You .

will find listed eleven grades of rye or bou rbon ( up

t o fifteen in manuals that recognize a more fastidious

hierarchy of castes ) that the proprietor o f an honest

place is to compound on his premises T hey are .

arranged in the order of their cost to him T h e first .

five contain no whiskey at all $ they are neutral spirits

plus wate r and some sophisticating ingredients $ the
cheapest on e has n o flavoring but sugar T hen come .

five more grades neutral spirits and whiskey mixed

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i n varying proportions e ight to one in the cheapest

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 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 7

fi f t y fif t y
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in the most expensive plus flavoring a n d ,

coloring matter So to the eleventh which consists

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o f two raw whiskeys in equal amounts plus a dash ,

of a somewhat better one plus prune j uice to supply

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body and finesse and the manual says this is con

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s i der e d the finest of all grades as it contains n o ,

spirits Once you got past the eleventh yo u reached

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,

unadulterated straight whiskey at its rawest and

could then progress by regular steps to the best
bonded stock If you could trust the publican
. .

Let us contemplate some of the adulterator s art ’

.

One of the pests who still intrude on the fellowship

is the knowing man You have seen him . all too
often — take a bottle of whiskey j iggle it a l i ttle ,

( perhaps after graceful ritualistic passes ) and then , ,

holdi n g it at a slant call your attention t o the beads

,

that form along the edge nodding h i s sagacious ,

head a connoisseur who can t be fooled T h e old

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tim e saloonkeeper took t h o u gh t o f him T h e man '

m
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ual says to take four parts of the oil of sweet al onds

( a benzaldehyde f rom which the p r u ss I c acid has

been removed) add it to one part o f chemically

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pure sulphuric acid neutralize the mixture with

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ammonia and then dilute the results with twice as

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much neutral spirits T his it remarks is used

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$

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$

to put an artificial bead on inferior liquo rs Or .

10 Th e Ho u r

s aving t h e proprietor so much hand labor We have .

shifted the b ur de n o f adulteration from him to a

-
w
z

working partnership between the manufacture r and

t h e Bureau o f Internal Re v enue We hav e however
.
, ,

retained the frankness of the manuals Everyth i ng .

o r at least quite a bit is printed on the lab el for

y o u to see. If you want less fusel o il which is, re

move d by the distilling process but restored i n the

flavoring extract you can clim b through t h e hier
,

archy at your pleasure If you trust the bar D o n o t

. .

be cynical : there are some bars which yo u can trust

and which will serve you no more adulterants than
y o u may order by brand name But of these
. h ow

many can you trust not to practice dilution? If you

have found one and you will from time to time
— you have found a precious thing and you are a
judge o f good whiskey .

Never be cynical about bars in fact though it is

, ,

right t o be wary A glory of American culture is

.

that there is no place so far and no village so small

that you cannot find a bar when you want to .

( T rue, in some of the ruder states it must present

itself fict i t i o u sly as a club or nostalgically as a speak
easy ) Many are more resourceful than the label
.

admits many others water their whiskey many are

, ,

bad or even lousy Almost all provide instruction

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12 Th e Ho ur

for an inquiring mind in the cubic capacity of glass

ware and how the eye may be misled by the shape
and the hand by weight But do not scorn any of.

them not even the neon lighted or the television

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equipped for any may sustain you in a needful

,

hour And each of u s knows a fair number of good

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bars and perhaps even a great one T h e good bar .

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extends across America the quiet place the place

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that answers to your mood the upholder o f the ,

$

tavern s great tradition the welcom i ng shelter and

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refuge and sanctuary a n d any man of virtue and

studious habits may count on fi n dmg it I f you hear .

o f any I ve missed let me know Let us all know

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,

But a bar though often a necessity and often an

,

ornament of culture is for a need a wh i m or per

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haps an urgency F or the fleeting hour F or the mo

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ment the high moment or the low F or perhaps

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the meeting and may her eyes warm and sparkle

when she comes in the door ten minutes late s o ,

that you will always be one up on her You could .

not meet her at a better place Long ago on 5 2d .

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Street I but let that go I was saying b ars are a

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convenience an assist a stay and an upholding but

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the Americans are a home loving people and the -

best place for the devotions proper to their a u t och

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t h o n o u s liquors i s the home And let s be fair : .
 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 13

though there is never much good whis key there i s ,

always enough fO take care of those who can a ppr e ci

ate it T h e surest proof of the moral foundation of
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the universe is that you can always find good wh i s

key if you will go looking for it Resolution ob s t i .
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nacy and the spirit of our pioneers will take you t o

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it in the end though you had better provide you r

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self with thick soled shoes for the route may be

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hard and is certain to be long — and beset with

gyps liars and the knowing man I don t know why
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’

but there are more b rands of good rye than there are
of bourbon And I don t know why the G o d
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damned Navy is permitted to monopol i ze so many

of them — but there s a tip for you K eep green
’
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your friendships i n the service for at any t i me the ,

ofli ce r s store may have an excellent o n e that a com

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mi sar y (one who has not crystallized his tons i ls t o

rock candy w i th rum) found on a back road i n Wes t
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Vi rginia and bought up I have struck Navy i nstal .

la t i o n s a thousand miles from salt water and fiv e

hundre d miles from fresh that had ryes worth
traveling fully that far for y es worth listen i ng ,

to commanders talk about M a cAr t h u r .

But don t let me get garrulous so early i n t h e

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eve ning I was saying there are a lot o f sound fou r

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year old and eight year old ryes that seldom or neve r
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14 Th e Ho u r

get advertised Maybe there are more small distil

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le r i e s that make rye the family stillhouse I n th e

vale and maybe that counts Or maybe it s that
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’

I m a rye man myself But there they are A whole

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saler who has grace and enlightenment buys them ,

or a club does or you have intuitive frien ds or a

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sudden streak of luck Regional ryes perhaps but

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no means small ones You have your obliga

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t i ons If yo u find o n e new to you the rest o f us are

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t o hear about it And the dealer s name
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Well you sa y how good is good wh i skey? Out in

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the bourbon country where the honor of the taste

buds runs l SO proof you can get an argument in
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ten seconds and a duel in five minutes by asserting

t hat i t i s as good as it used t o be He re t h e little
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s tillhouse comes in again Men grown reverend

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a n d wise w i ll tell you that the glory depar ted when

the big combine bought up the family dist i llery .

T hey are remembering their youth and the smell o f

mash in a hundred K entucky valleys T here was ar t .

then they say and the good red liquo r had the i n
, ,

t e gr i t y o f the artist and h i s soul t o o and between ,

Old Benevolence and Old Mr T his there were .

differences of i ndividuality but none of pride and ,

h ow shall Amer i ca have heroes again or even men , ,

 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 15

with thi s dead level nonentity they force us to drink

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now?
T hey scandalize and horrify the modern distiller .

T h e little stillhou s e he tells you was steadily poi

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s oning K entucky T h e old time distiller s mash was

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not only uncontrolled and vagrant he got his feet

in it and no doubt his hogs t o o and it spoiled o n ,

h i m or went contrary or deceived him T hose r e .

membered subtleties were only impurities or may ,

be eccentricities of the still go mg haywire or the ,

leniency o f the gauger or most like ly an old man s

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lies He himself with his prime grains his pedi greed

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,

yeast h l S scientific procedures controlled to the

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S ixth decimal place and his automatic machinery

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that protects everything from the clu ms me ss and

corruption of human hands h e is making better
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bourbon than the melancholy gaff ers ever tasted in

the old time .

We have run into a mass of legend and folklore .

It reveals that we are a studious people and serious

about serious things but it does make for prejudice
,

and vulgar error (You want to know where I stand?

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You must never besmirch yourself with a blend so n ,

what do you suppose bond is for?) Devoted men ,

hewing their way through it have come o u t with one

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16 Th e Ho u r

finding that leans a little toward the o pl mo n o f the

elders T h e old time distillers known locally as the
.
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priesthood put their whiskey into bond at less than

,

proof that is with the percentage of alcohol below

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fifty F our years of the aging process brought it up

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to proof and they bottled it as it was uncut T h e , .

modern distiller known eve rywhere as a servant of

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the people impelled by government regulation and

,

the higher excise bonds his stuff at a few per cent ,

above proof Aging in bond increases the percen

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tage still more so after bottling he cuts it back to

,

proof with water .

T here is instruction here : when you add water to

whiskey you change the taste In the moment of
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pure devotion therefore the fa i thful drink i t

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stra i ght . Se e to it that your d emeanor is decorous

and seemly at that moment Attentively b ut slowly .
,

with the poise o f a confidence that has neve r been

betrayed since the F ounding F athers wi th due con ,

s ci o u sn e ss that providence has bestowed a surpassing

bou n ty on the Americans or that they have earned i t

for themselves Our more self consciou s brethren
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the oenophilists are good men too and must not be

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dispraised but they vainglori ously claim more than

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we can allow T heir vintages do indeed have many

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beaut i es and blessings and subtletie s but they are

18 Th e Ho u r

per cent ( it is several thousand now) the wi se and

provident and kindly bought it by the keg i n fact ,

bought kegs up to thei r ability to pay and bottled ,

it themselves in due time and laid it away for their

posterity Bette r t o inherit a rye so la i d away i n
.

1 9 1 5 than great riches I have known women p a st

.

their youth and o f no blatant charm to make happy

marr i ages because Uncle John deplored by the fam
,

i ly all his life long as a wastrel had made them his

,

residuary legatee T here is no better warranty of

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success in marriage $ an helpmeet s o dowered will

hold her husband s loyalty and tenderness secure
’
.

A r ye thus kept becomes an evanescence essential ,

grace It i s not to be drunk but only tasted and t o be

.

tasted only when one i s consc i ous o f hav i ng lived

purely .

And i n a world growing daily more b leak wi th

science it is good to know that art keeps its se
,

cr e ci e s
. Just as the scientists have never learned
precisely what happens in the emulsion of a photo
g raphic film when light strikes it s o their most ex
,

h a u s t i v e researches have never let them I n on what

happens to whiskey during the aging process T here .

is par o do x : the alcohol should leave it before the

water does but the alcohol remains and some o f the
water goes no o n e knows why o r whithe r
,
.
 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 19

T here is mystery : what happens does so not in the

w ood o f the keg or in the char that has been burned
o n its surface but i n the zone between them which ,

is quite imaginary but somehow there And what .

happens is beyond analysis by chemistry or anything

e lse simply a tendency that whiskey Shares with
,

man and all his works a tendency to live by its baser

,

self departs from it and the good triumphs W h o

, .

wants t o know? Enough that whiskey becomes ,

s ometimes good whiskey

, ( Here the fellowship
. will
shout : Glory $)
F o r the palate s sake then we drink wh i skey
’

, ,

straight We drink it straight too in patriotic com

.

memoration of the dead who made us a gr eat nation .

T hey walked up t o the b a r stood on their own two

,

feet o r on o n e foot if the rail had been polished

that morning and called for whiskey straight in
,

confident expectation and awareness o f the national

destiny and we were a sound society and without
, ,

fear .

All those decades all those bars T h e Holland

, .

House or the Astor Hou s e or the St N icholas toward .

which the Englishman on tour made by hackney

coach from the boat so that the magnificence of the
,

New World could burst on him in his first hour

s uch acres of mirrors such mountains of glasses
, ,
 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 21

such gas chandeli e rs tipped with a thousand points

of flame and all the ryes and bourbons of a conti
,

nent to cleanse away the peat taste of his Scotch -

.

T h e K nickerbocker I had at least this break

from fate that I got here in time to know the K nick
,

e r b o cke r It has been exactly reproduced in the

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most beautiful corner of paradise with the Starry ,

heavens stretching away admission by card only and

,

saints to serve a probationary period before they can

get cards T h e Murray Hill the Parker House the
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Planters House the St F rancis

,
. the Silver Dollar ,

Joe s Place the Last Chance Saloon

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, river boats -

and tents at the railhead and tables se t up under the

elms when the clergy met in convocation or the
young gentlemen graduated from college the last
Americans in knee breeches the first in trousers , ,

deacons in black broadcloth planters in white ,

linen cordwainers and longshoremen and princi

,

pals o f seminaries for young women and hard rock -

men and conductors on the steam cars and Cir cu i t

$

riders and editors and rivermen and sportsmen and

peddlers twenty t wo hundred counties forty
-
,

eight states the outlying pos s essions T h e roads ran

, .

out in dust or windswept grass and we went on we ,

came to a river no o n e had crossed and we forded it ,

the land angled upward and we climbed to the ridge

22 Th e Ho u r

and exulted the desert stretched ahead and we

,

plunged into it and always the honeybee flew

ahead of us and there was a hooker of t h e real stu ff
at d ay s end and one for the road tom orrow Noth
’

ing stopped us from s e a to shining s e a nothing ,

could stop us the jug was plugged tight with a corn

,

cob and we built new commonwealths and consti

,

t u t i o n s and distilleries as we traveled the world ,

gaped and destiny said here s how

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’
.

But there are times when neither the palate nor

patriotism is to be consulted and this is a versatile
distillate ministering to many needs T h at other
, .

supreme American gift to world culture the ,

martini will do only at its own hour But man s lot

, .
’

is hard and distres s ful and he may want a drink at

almost any hour midafternoon after dinner at
, ,

midnight and some say in the morning (These last

, .

drink rum to hell with them ) At such times you

.

may add water to the American spirits Charged .

water is permitted with rye if you like it that way

, ,

and i n the splendid city of St Louis wh ere civiliza

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,

tion took residence long before the Yankees stopped

honing their crabbedness on rum call it seltzer ,
.

But always plain water with the corn spirit and the -

good will of a united people shows in the localisms ,

”
bourbon and branch water o u r brethren say
 T h e Ame r i ca n Sp i r i ts 23

south of Mason s a n d Dixon s Line bourbon and

’ ’

”
ditch west of the hundredth meridian (You may .

detect the presence of the Adversary by a faint odor

of brimstone and a request for ginger ale ) And .
,

except when yo u are in a wayward mood no ice ,

.

Ice is for cocktails .

T h e water bids our genius Show its gentleness ,

taking you by the hand and leading you as softly as

the flowers breathe toward loving kindness Or as -
.

the homing bird soars on unmoving wings at even

tide On this firm foundation the Republic stands
. .

I n England they call for a division and the minis

try falls in Russia they shoot a thousand commissars
, ,

but I n fr eedom s land they recess speak the hal

’

lowed names of Daniel Webster and Henry Clay ,

and send out for a statesman s standby and some ’

soda Strife ceases the middle way is found the bill

.
, ,

gets passed and none shall break our union

, .

But first of all this touch softer than woman s is

, ,
’

to restore you and me to humanity I do not need .

the record a priest or a philosopher to remind me

, ,

what I a m timorous blundering self deceived , ,

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,

preposterous ground down by failure and betrayal

,

of the dream evidence that though mankind has

,

developed past the earthworm it has not got much

farther And you you don t fool me I know you all
.
,
’

,
24 Th e Hour

too well I need only look at you or hear you speak

, .

I f you were t o quote the catechism G o d made ,

me you would be lying and on the edge of blas

,

h e my or o v er the edge
p , .

T h e hell we are T his i s me rely a moroseness of

.

tired and buffeted men an illusion and help is at , ,

$

hand to brush it away When wear iness and dis .

co u r a ge me n t come upon us there are many things

we might put into o u r heads to steal away our

brains Marx the K o ra n of abstaine rs M e i n
, ,

K a mp f addresses made at Commencement or on

,

Mother s Day the C h i cag o T r i b u n e But we we re

’

, .

nourished in a tradition of goodness and the right

and we don t and I ll have mine with soda but not
’

,
’

drowned T h e barb is blunted the knife sheathed $ a

.
,

star appears above the treetop t h e h a r sh v0 1 ce s of ,

fools die out and all unseen there was a fir eburning

,

on the hearth In a few minutes we will see each

.

other as we tr uly are sound men stout hearts lovers , , ,

of the true and upholders of the good T here s a .

’

good deal in what you re saying and y ou say it mar ’

ve lo u s ly well Dismay annoyance resentment

.
, ,

we should have remembered that they are traps the

w orld sets for the unwary T h e battle is to the .

brave the game to the skillful the day s job to who

, ,
’

shall do it fortified We needed only a moment of .

 Fo r th e W ayw ar d an d
Be gu ile d

HE FELLOW SHIP avo i ds controversy but

must sometimes accept i t nevertheless or even preci
pitate it T hough a small company we need fear n o
.
,

threat brought against us from without but e rro r

or dissension within our ranks could bring us down .

T hat is why in austere dedicat i on to American cul

ture I now ventu re i nto a field where no o n e can s ay
anything without being violently attacked and
attacked by virtuous men who err only through
i gnorance not sm One o f ou r greatest ar ts is i n
, .

27
28 The Ho ur

danger T h e worst is this threat comes from

.
,

schismatics and heretics within our small ban d of

true believers who should be of o ne united heart t o
hold our frontiers against the heathen Error stalks .

the streets and disputation has brought d arkness

over the land I am not On e to withhold the light
i

. .

I know how many enraged f anatics will jam the

offices of Western Union as soon as they catch sight
of my text But I know too that sometimes wisdom
.

has its victories T o recall to wisdom some who

.

have strayed from it and to discover wisdom to some

who have sought but not found it I proceed to ex ,

plain the philosophy of the martini cocktail .

F irst we must understand what functionally a , ,

cocktail is I wi ll inquire into no man s reasons for

.
’

taking a drink at any hour except P M T hey are . .

h i s affair and he h a s a rich variety of liquors to

choose from according to his whim or need $ may
they reward him according to his deserts and well
beyond But when evening quickens in the street
.
,

comes a pause in the day s occupa tion that is ’

known as the cocktail hour It marks the life .

ward turn T h e heart wakens from coma and its dysp

.

nea ends I t s strengthening pulse is t o cross over

.

into camp ground to believe that the world

,

h as not been altogether lost or if lost then , ,

 F or t h e Way wa r d an d B eg u i le d 29

not altogether in vain But it cannot make the .

grade alone It needs he lp $ it needs my brethren

.
, ,

all the help it can get I t needs a wife ( or some

.

other charming woman) of attuned impul s e and

equal impatience and maybe two or three friends but ,

no more than t wo o r three T hese gathered together .

in a softly lighted room and with them what it ,

ne eds most o f all the bounty of alcohol Hence the

, .

cocktail After dinner you may if you like spend

.
, ,

an hour or so sipping a j igger of whis key diluted to

any a t t enua t ion t h a t m a tches your whim with soda
o r branch water But at . P M we must have . .

action When we summon life to reveal forgotten

.

benisons and give u s ourselve s again we do so per ,

e m t o r i ly Confirm that hope set the beacon burn

p .
,

ing and be quick about it So no water

, . .

T here are only two cocktail s T h e bar manuals .

and the women s pages of the daily press I know

’

, ,

print scores o f messes to which they give that hon

o r a b le and glorious name T hey are not cocktails
.
,

they are slops They are fit to be drunk only in the

.

barbarian marches and mostly are drunk there by ,

the barbarians It is however a fact of gr eat sadness

.
, ,

that as well sometimes they are drunk by people o f

, ,

good will people fit for our fellowship We will

, .

labor to bring them out of the darknes s they wander

30 The Ho u r

in charitably assuming that they wander there as

,

vi ctims of history I hav e show . n that our fore

fathers were a great pe Ople : they invented rye and
bourbon T hey were also a tough people : noth i ng
.

s o clearly proves it as that they su r vived the fearful

m i xtures they also invented and then drank A .

defect of their qualities I s uspect led them into

, ,

abomination T hey had the restless m i nd the i n

.
,

s t i n ct to experiment and make combinations We .

o t radar from that instinct and Congre s s and the

g , ,

Hearst press and many other marvelous o r mys t er i

,

ous works And we got four generation s ago in a

.
, ,

sudden blight mixtures of all the known ferments

,

and distillates that whim malice mathematics or , , ,

an evil i magination could devise When the i n

, .

s t i n ct reached an apex o f genius we must remem ,

ber it flowered into the martini But it bequeathed

, .

us too a sore heritage of the slops I have mentioned ,

and as the twentieth century came on the most

ominous of these was probably the Bronx .

F o r the Bronx was fashionable T h e ga y dogs of .

the Murray Hill Age drank it the boulevardiers ,

who wore boaters with a string to the left lapel and

winked at Gibson Girls as far up F ifth Avenue as
’

5 9 t h Street I t had the kind of cachet that Maxim s

.

had or Delmonico s or s a y the splendid Richard

,
’

,
 F or t h e Wa ywa r d an d B eg u i le d 31

Harding Davis at the more splendid K nicker

bocker bar o r 0 Henry in his cellar restaurant or
, .
,

the bearded (or Van Dyke cd) cr i t i cs of Park Ro w -

.

T h e Bronx had orange juice in it I t spawned the .

still more re grettable Orange Blossom Infection .

spread and there were worse compounds on the same

base as I shall shudderingly have to say at some
,

length later on And then swiftly came the Pl a gue

.
, ,

and the rush of the barbarians in its wake and all ,

the j uices of the orchard went into cocktails Now .

,

bathtub gin was not a good liquor though gen ,

t le me n there have been worse and still are But it

, .

was not bathtub gin that came close to destroying the

American stomach nervous system and aspiration
, ,

toward a subtler life Not the gin but the fruit .

j uices so basely mixed with it : all pestilential all ,

gangrenous and all vile A cocktail does not contain

, .

fruit j uice .

In that sudden roar the word you m ake o u t is

Daiquiri Y e s yes I know I have alluded to rum
.
, , .

before we m ust not deny that it exists and is drunk

, ,

and as a historian I must give it its due I t gave us .

political freedom and Negro slavery It got ships .

built and sailed forests felled iron smelted and

, , ,

commercial freight carried from place to place by

men who if their primordial capitalist bosses had
,
34 Th e Ho u r

saying whiskey o n the rocks suff er them pa

t i e n t ly But do not let tolerance get out of h a nd A
. .

few months ago in Chicago a t a once respectable ,

bar I was o ff ered Whiskey on t h e Blarney Stone

,

the ice was colored green Let the place be inter .

dicted and its proprie to r put to the torture ) T h e .

slug of whiskey is functional $ its lines are clean

m
.

Perhaps the fr i end for who you make it will want

two or three drops of bitters F ine : there is no harm .

in bitters so long as they are Angostura

, all others
are condiments for a tea shoppe cookbook If he -
.

wants fru i t salad in it remind him that cocktails are

,

drunk not eaten but go along with him as far as a

, ,

thin h a lfsli ce of orange or better one of lemon peel

, , .

Deny him pineapple cherries and such truck as you

, ,

would cyanide If he asks for sugar tell him you put

.
,

it i n to begin with and thereafter be wary in your

,

dealings with him F or sugar means that he 1 5 back

.

sliding and will soon cross the frontier to join the

heathen with bottles of grenadine and almond ex
,

tract i n his pack But before you give a slug o f

.

whis key to anyone be sure that i t i s cold Cocktails .

are cold .

With the other cocktail we reach a fine and noble

art and we reach too the wars over the gospel that
,

have parted brothers wrecked marriages and made

, ,
 F or t h e Way wa r d an d B eg u i le d 35

enemies o f friends It is here that the heresies

.

burgeon and the schismatics bay I suppose it is .

natural enough T hose who seek the perfect thing

.

must have intense natures $ there are many roads for

them to take all difficult none lighted more than fi t
, ,

fully No wonder if they mistake marsh fires for

.

light or when they find a light believe it is the only

,

one F rom their love comes their tireles s ness to de

.

fend and praise their love tenaciously arrogantly , ,

intolerantly vindictively We may understand how

,
.

cults form with the martini as with all arts how ,

rituals develop how supers titious or even sorcerous

,

beliefs and practices betray a faith that is passionate

and pure but runs easily to fanaticism But though .

we understand these matters we must not be lenient

toward them for they divide the fellowship Always .

remember that differences among ourselves will give

arms to the heathen F righten a woman with a bit of
.

ritual and you may produce a hostess who will serve

Manhattans Affront a man with cu lt i sh sn o b b e r y
‘

and you may t Ur n him God forbid to rum

, , .

F o r instance there is a widespread notion that

women cannot make martinis just as some islanders ,

believe that they cast an evil spell on the tribal fish

nets T his is a vagrant item of male egotism : the art
.

o f the martini is not a s e x linked character Of men

-
.
 F or t h e Way wa r d an d B eg u i le d 37

and women alike it requires only intelligence and

care oh perhaps some additional inborn spiritual
,

fineness some feeling for artistic form which if it

, ,

isn t genius will do qu i te as well O r take the super

’

, .

s t i tion
,
for I cannot dignify it as a heresy that the ,

martini must not be shaken Nonsense T his perfect . .

thing is made of gin and vermouth T hey are self .

reliant liquors stable of stout heart $ we do not have

, ,

to treat them as if they were plover s eggs It does ’

.

not matter in the least whether you Shake a marti n i

or stir it It does matter if splinters of ice get into
.

the cocktail glass and I suppose this small seed of ,

fact is what grew into the absurdity that We must not

bruise the gin T h e gin will take all you are
$
.

capable of giving I t and so will the vermouth An , .

old hand will probably u se a simple glass pitcher as ,

convenient or functional $ it has no top a n d s o can

not readily be shaken But if a friend has given you .

a shaker there are bar s trainers in the world and you

,

need have no ice splinters in your marti n is ( T h e .

strainer made Of spiral wire conduces to language

that i s unseemly at the cocktail hour $ get one that
has perforations instead ) .

A martini I repeat is made of gin and v ermouth

, , .

Dry vermouth Besides many bad v ermouths .

,

F rench Italian and domestic there are many good

, , ,
38 The Hou r

ones With a devoted spirit keep looking for one

.

that will go harmoniously with the gin o f your choice

and is dependably uniform i n taste You have found .

a friend $ stay with it S tay with them both store

.
,

them in quantity lest mischance or sudden want

overtake yo u and in a world o f change you will be
,

able to count on your martinis from season unto

season year to year
, .

Heresies more vicious than these vindicate the I n

S t i n c t of the faithful to do their drinking in their

homes We have proved our f riends but anyone

.

else s invitation to a cocktail party or casual s u gge s

’

tion that we stop by for a drink may take us to a

house where martinis are made of swee t vermouth
or of sweet mixed with dry It is a grievous betrayal
.

of trust $ the bottles should not even be kept on

neighboring shelves still less brought n ear the
,

martini p i tcher Indeed sweet vermouth should not

.
,

be kept on any shelf in my house or yours $ the

heathen put it to many uses but we know none for it .

And I suppose nothing can be done with people

, ,

who put olives in martinis presumably because in ,

some desolate childhood hour someone re fused them

a dill pickle and so they go through life lusting for
the taste of brine Something can be done with peo
.

ple who put p i ckled onions in : strangulation seems

 F or t h e Way wa r d an d B eg u i le d 39

But there is a deadlier enemy than these the ,

man who mixes his martinis beforehand and keeps

them in the refrigerator till cocktail time You can .

no more keep a martini in the refrigerator than you

can keep a kiss there T h e proper union of gin and
.

vermouth is a great and sudden glory $ it is one of the

happiest marriages on earth and one of the shorte s t
lived T h e fragile tie o f ecstasy i s broken in a few
.

minutes and thereafter there can be no remarriage

, .

T h e b e fo r e h a n de r has not unders tood that W hat is

left though it was once a martini can never be one
, ,

again He has sinned as seriously as the man who

.

leaves some I n the pitcher to drown .

A voice from the floor reminds me that there may

be dire emergencies T rue though not in your own
.
,

home $ they usually come when some hostess whose

On b e of our en em ies dri n k s ome t h i n g t h e y c all a

e t ri

G i b so n T h e y a r e n o t dri n k i n g a cock t ai l t h e y a r e d ri n k
.
,

i n g gi n wi t lf a n o n i o n i n i t S t i ll i t i s w e ll t o k n ow t h e
.
,

n am e . T h e cock t ai l hou r m ay ove rt ak e you s om e t i m e wh e n

you a r e far fr om a n y b ar you kn ow I t i s n ever s a fe t o.

o rder a m ar t in i a t a s t ran ge b ar order a slug of wh i sk ey .

B u t i f you fe el v e n t u re som e you m ay g e t s om e l e ad i n g by

,

w ai t in g t i ll some o n e el se i s s erve d a m ar t in i I f i t h a s a .

p r o n ou n c e d colo r t h e b ar t en d e r i s a fe lo n a n d you w i ll b e
,

fart h er alo n g t ow ard you r de sire i f you orde r 3 G ib so n a n d .

comm an d h i m t o l e ave t h e on i o n o u t .
40 The Hour

favorite drink is green mint mixed with whipping

cream asks you to make martinis Sh e has s weet .

vermouth She is the o n e who buys it We ll make .

,

the proportion practically unthinkable s ay seven to ,

on e and remind your companions that the

product has a high muzzle velocity If Sh e has sherry .

you will be much better off Govern the proportions .

according to its dryness $ five to one will do if it is

very dry and put a pinch of common table salt into
,

the pitcher T hese drinks are not martinis they are

.
,

only understudies but they damn no souls T hey

, .

are incomparably better than Manhattans marsh ,

mallows or rum, .

Sound practice begins with ice T here must be a .

lot of it much more than the catechumen dreams

, ,

so much t h a the gin smokes when you pour it I n

t
.

A friend of mine has said it for a ll tim e his formula

ends and five hundred pounds of ice
$
F ill the .

pitcher with ice whirl it till dew forms on the glass

, ,

pour o u t the melt put in ano t her handf ul of ice

, .

T hen as swiftly as possible pour in the gin and ver

mouth at once bring the mixture as close t o the
,

fr eezing point o f alcohol as can be reached outside

the laboratory and pour out the ma r t l ms You must
, .

be unhu rried but you must work fast for a diluted ,

martini would be a contradiction in terms a viola ,

42 The Ho u r

may make it four t o one or a little more than t hat ,

wh i ch is a comfort if you cannot do fractions i n yo u r e

head and an assurance wh en you must use an u n

familiar gin But not much more T his is the V l Ole t
. .

hour the hour of hush and wonder when the a ff e c

, ,

tions glow and valor is reborn when the shadows ,

deepen alo ng the edge of the forest and we believe

that if we watch carefully at any moment we may
, ,

s e e the unicorn But it would not be a martini i f

.

we should s e e him .

So made the martini 1 5 only one brush stroke

,

Short of the perfect thing and I will rebuke no one

,

who likes to leave it there But the final brush stroke

.

i s a few drops of oil squeezed from lemon rind on

$

the surface of each cocktail Some drop the squeezed .

bit into the glass $ I do not favor the practice an d

caution you to make it rind n o t peel if you do , , .

And of course you will use cocktail glasses not cu ps

, , ,

o f silver or any other metal and they will have ,

stems so that heat will not pass from your hand to

t h e martini Purists chill the m before t h e fi rst
.

round If any of that round ( or any other) is le ft in

.

the pitcher throw it away

, .

T h e goal is purification and that will begin after

the first round h as been poured so I see n o need ,

for preliminary spiritual exercises But it i s best .

 F or t h e Way wa r d an d B eg u i le d 43

approached wi th a tranquil mind lest the necessary

,

speed become has te T ranquillity ought normally

.

t o come wi th sight o f the familia r bottles If it .

’
doesn t feel free t o hum some simple tu ne as you
,

g o about your preparations $ i t should be nostalgic

but n o t sentimental neither barbershop nor jazz
, ,

between the choir and the glee club D o n o t whistle .

,

fo r your companions are sinking into the quiet o f

expectation And you need not sing for presently
.
,

there will be s i nging in your heart .

 En e my

CAN T si t around all afternoon $ there

’

evil to be d ealt with We might as well begin with

.

the soda fountain for that is where a lot o f it begins

,

and I have already shown you the distressing spec

t acle o f peopl e trying to get back there by way o f

cointreau and white mint or rum and Coca Cola -

.

Americans are t o o indulgent to their children $ th ey

give them too much mone y to spend on sweets I .

don t suppose the stu ff does the m any i mme diate

’

harm but it d oes give them false values Chocolate

.
,
46 Th e Ho u r

maple syrup two dozen other syrups $ marshmallow

, ,

fudge butterscotch two dozen other goos $ the whole

, ,

catalo gue o f pops tonics phosphates and trade

, , ,

marked soft drinks that would co rrode any plumb

ing except a growing child s they may seem i n ’

nocent but they aren t An ice cream soda can set a

’

.
-

child s fe e t i n the path that ends in grenadine and

’

when you s e e someone drinking drambuie creme de ,

menthe Old T o m gin or all three stirred together

, ,

and topped o ff with a maraschino cherry yo u must ,

remember that he got that way from pineapple milk

shakes long ago Pity him i f you like but treat him
.

as you would a carrier o f typhoid F or I f the Re .

public ever comes crash i ng down the ruin will h ave ,

been wrought by this lust for sweet dri nks .

T hen there are publishers T hey are usually r e .

garded as Servants o f the good l ife and i t s true that ’

many of them as i ndividuals do live soundly with

, , ,

i mpeccable O bservances with marked devotion to ,

good liquor But that only shows that we can never

.

relax our vigilance anywhere in any circumstance ,

o f life F o r there is no publisher in the United S tates

.

who has not spread infection far more widely than

all the typhoid carr i ers wh o ever lived T hat they .

have succeeded in getting the virus into your home

and mine doesn t matter for we are immune to i t
’
.
 T h e En e my 47

But they have got it there Go out to the kitchen .

and look at the books your wife keeps on the shelf .

Pick up one and glance through it T hen think of .

the American homes that have not been immunized .

’
I m talking about cookbooks Every publishing .

house has from three to a dozen of them and they

are money in the bank Soon or late usually not .
,

very late this season s novel about the bitch with

,
’

the compassionate heart in rural Georgia or the

court of Louis $ V stops selling A cookbook never .

does In season or o u t fat years or lean it is the

.
, ,

mainstay of the publishing business T h e grand .

children o f the author wh o lived i n the era when

,

recipes began take four pounds of butter and four

”
doz en eggs se t up trust funds for their gr a n dch i l
,

dren and the publisher loves them more warmly

,

than the novelist wh o makes Book o f the Month - - -

Club every ti me I don t know how many cookbooks

.
’

are sold but i t must be upwards of a million copies

a year Eve ry copy has enough virus in it to infect
.

a city o f fifty t housand $ every copy is a recruiting

o fli ce for the enemy .

Presumably when the plates are worn out and a

new edition is called for the publisher hires some
o n e to go over and check the recipes in all sect i ons

but one If he finds some solecism about chervil out

.
,
48 Th e Ho u r

i t comes I dare s a y even t hat they sometimes actu

.
, ,

ally make and taste the white sauce to see whether

s omeone h a s pulled a howler But the section fr a u du .

”
le n t ly labeled
$
Beverag es has stood unmodified
s ince it was fi rst perpetrated $ no one has bothered

t o s o much as correct the typographical errors F ur .

t h e r mor e i t is the same in all cookbooks having

, ,

one out o f copyright in 1 8 9 5 And if the time whe

g n .

it was written was the lush days of four pounds o f

‘

butter in the pantry it was also the holy horror era

,
-

i n o u r drinking mores As I have shown the basic.

,

idea was t o see how many ingredients you could put

i nto a dr i nk especially a cocktail and still survive
, ,
.

Year by year that mania of ou r nat i onal adolescence

,

killed more Americans than smallpox the Colt r e ,

volve r or the Indians Yet publishers go o n i n

, .

dor s i n g the same toxins to mo r e than a m i llion

women a year .

F o r it s women who buy cookbooks and women

’

wh o use the Beverage section T hei r male counter .

par ts own comically wri t ten ptomaine manuals -

stolen from j erry T homas and bound i n stainproof

covers called $ o lly D r i n ki n g$ P r os i t F o lks$ or T h e
, ,

G e n t s G u i de t o B a r t e n di n g ( T hese too are com

’
.

missioned printed and sold by publishers ) I am

, ,
.

not concerned with the married women wh o use

 T h e En e my 51

turned Great Uncle Harry s kidneys to pumice and

-
’

brought him to the grave thirty y ears before his

time ?
T his subj ect is as repugnant to me as it can pos
s i b ly be to you b ut we have got to face what goe s on .

Passing over twenty pages o f emetics and mickey

fin n s compounded on other bases which the cook
b ook assures a hostess are wonderful take a look at ,

what can be and i s done with gin In the first two

, , .

o f five pages devoted to what it calls gin cocktails $

I find formulas each under a jolly n a me that tell a

, ,

woman to add to honest gin : grenadine $ chartreuse $

creme de menthe $ grenadine lemon juice and egg , ,

white $ cherry brandy kirsch sweet cI de r and rasp

, , ,

berry syrup $ cointreau and lemon juice $ cr eme de

menthe egg white lemon j uice and orange j uice $
, , ,

lime j uice and apricot brandy $ claret orange juice , ,

and Jamaica ginger $ grenadine egg white lemon , ,

juice orange bitters and sugar

, ,and s o help me ,

God a Seizure that says to mm gm two t o one with

,

port and add a dash of orange bitters Merely to .

read the formulas paralyzes the stomach muscles for

as much as twenty minutes and a single sip would
send the iron dog of the epoch they or 1 g1 n a t e d in
galloping toward the nearest fire hydrant But there .

you are T hese books are sold freely over the

.
52 The Ho u r

counter even in these days of national peril A per

, .

fe ct ly nice woman might obey any of those i n s t r u c

tions and don t forget for a moment that she
’

might offer the resul t t o you

u
.

Sh e is probably about twenty seven give or take-

,

a couple of years and let s do what we can for her

,
’
.

Sh e has lived alone too long s h e had a happy child

,

hood and nobody has ever told her that Childhood s

,
’

sweet tooth is how s h e went wrong ( By t h e way .

,

never accept a divorced woman s invitation to cock

’

tails until you have looked into her divorce $ it may

very well have resulted from something that began
take a cupful of gin and fou r tablespoonfuls o f
”
grenadin e ) Sh e is a bright girl though and when , ,

a man takes her to a bar sh e suppresses her impulses

and ord ers what he does or else says Scotch on the $

rocks ( T h e only innate fault in women as drink

’

e r s is that they think too highly of Scotch ) All her .

friends are civilized and so she has always had decent

cocktails in the home T h e trouble comes when sh e
.

de cides to wipe the slate clean and have twenty

people i n to cocktails He r boss would have been
.

fired long since if sh e didn t do his thinking for him

’
.

Sh e can show the Income T a x people exactly where

they are misconstruing their own regulations Sh e .

can beat the racket at a fur sale But the moment she
.
 T h e En e my 53

starts thinking about g1 v1 n g a cocktail party in her

own apartment her self co n fide n ce begins to ooze
-

away T h e insecurity of the single gnaws at her and

.

by the time sh e has made out the list of guests she s ,

’

licked Sh e makes straight for a cookbook

. .

Nothing is going to change that Sh e will always .

make for a cookbook till o n e of those parties achieves

its purpose we know that nineteen of the twenty
guests are just smokescreen — and he proves it to
her in their own pantry T h e only thing to do is to
.

change the cookbook .

And a good idea from every point of V iew So not .

,

only for a million women and twenty million

stomachs they would not knowingly endanger but
also On behalf of public enlightenment I o ff er the ,

f ollowing without fee or royalty to all publishers

who will contract to substitute it for the Be verage
section in their handbooks .

Ce qu i l fa u t co n n a i t r e des co kt els
’

P o u r les h os t ess es
’

1 Relax sister $ it s easy And the more you ll relax

’ ’
. .
, ,

the easier it will be Memorize this : simplic i ty i n

.
,

t e gr i t y nothing mysterious nothing fancy nothin g

, , ,

sweet .
54 The Ho u r

2 T hr o w
. away that bottle of grenadine Never buy .

another one .

3 Leave today s special at the liquor store alone

’

i t s fo r cause T h e re ason the man cut the price on

’
‘
.

that stu ff i s that he couldn t move it $ people recog ’

11 1 s it as what it i s Go without lunch for a couple .

of weeks if you have to or cut the guests fr om twenty ,

to ten Cheap liquor is grudge liquor

. .

4 Get two whiskeys Scotch an d either rye or bour

.
,

bon ( I m being easy on your budget A rye man

.
’
.

won t be o ff ended by bourbon or vice versa but

’

Scotch drinkers want Scotch and you ve got to give

’

it to them Never touch the stuff myself ) Bonded

. .

rye or bourbon $ or if you really are hard up u n , ,

bonded but straight Never a blend even a blend .

,

of straight whiskeys Some charged water $ perfectly .

sound people may want a highball at t he cocktail

hour they re going to stop o ff at a couple of other
’

parties before dinner No ginger ale — I said no .

,

ginger ale A bottle of the driest sherry $ ask a friend

.

you trust what brand he likes ( Cool i t a little if .

you want to but don t chill it —you might as well ’

boil it Don t have much to do with people who

.
’

drink sherry at any time except with the S OU P $

the re s something wrong with them It s i n o ffe n s w e
’ ’
.
,

though so long as it s dry ) Get American gin and

,
’
.
 T h e En e my 55

get it in the highest pr i ce range Cheap gin is for .

hangovers $ whatever imported gin may be for it ,

isn t for martinis

’
.

5 Orange bitters make a good astringent for the

.

face Never put them in anything that is to be

.

drunk .

6 Nothing sweet If I m repeat i ng myself it s b e

’ ’
. .

cause I know you and have got to check up on you .

7 Remember what I ve said about ice Your neigh

’
. .

b or h o o d store sells it About a dollar s worth

’
. .

8 T urn down the thermostat

. .

9 If somebody insists on an old fashioned and you

.
-

s e e no way out dissolve the damn sugar I n a little

,

water before you put the wh iskey in it won t dis ’

$

s o lve i n alcohol If somebody asks for o n e made o f

.

Scotch say no politely if you can manage to but s a y

, , ,

no .

1 0 Nothing sweet and that goes double for v er

.
,

mouth .

1 1 I have already declared the gospel i n full but

.

let s make the m

’

ain points again Martinis slugs o f .

,

whi skey highballs and i f you must an old fashioned

, ,
-
.

Nothing el s e You don t care to know anybody who

.
’

wants anything else And everything you serve must .

be cold No surplus no dividend nothing for the

.
, ,

pot Mix every round from scratch

. .
58 Th e Ho u r

don t serve anyth i ng fussy and the woman who mixes

’

cream cheese and Roquefort and stu ff s celery with

it does not belong among us .

And there is no hango ver in our liquor unless you

ar e too young for your own good Get the kind o f .

liquor I ve told you t oand u s e it properly and you ll

’ ’

face the dawn without a flutter or a qualm and s o

will all your guests But maybe one of them takes
.

more than we have learned is bright? Or maybe that

guy doesn t respond as fast as you had hoped and
’

you take o n e or t wo ab ove yourself? Well a vast ,

deal of nonsense is talked about preventives and

cures of hangovers Practically all of it is talked by
.

people we don t want in the house Only the Chuck

’
.

and Mable type I ll be telling you about in a minute

’

would swallow cream or olive oil or such stu ff b e

forehand what a hell of a way t o approach a good
hour and a good drink $ Or that folklore about
Vitamin B If I must speak plainly anyone wh o
.
,

takes a massive dose of Vitamin B will within an

hour need to bathe with Lifebuoy or stay out in the
’
open air If I must continue to speak plainly don t
.
,

overdrink .

But since you ask me here s what your family,

’

doctor does when he finds that the last two have

crept upon him unaware I t s a three shot treat .
’
-
 T h e En e my 59

ment best taken before going to bed but also e ff e c

,

tive tomorrow morning Up to a teaspoonful of .

baking soda in a glass of water or the equivalent of ,

some other alkalizer T wenty grains o f aspirin or

.

some other mild opiate And three quarters o f a

.
-

grain to a grain and a half (depending on how you

react to it) of nembutal seconal o r any other bar
, ,

b i t u r a t e of equal strength Stomach head j itters

.
, ,

that does it And next time pull up at the three

.

quarters post .

’
I ve been talking about people who go wrong
through ignorance or unfortunate upbringing not ,

wickedness and about portions of American culture

,

where the blight is curable Now for the corruption .

that has honeycombed enormous sections o f a f air

and pleasant land and for the enemy the barbarians
, , ,

the real bastards It is alarmingly probable that you

.

don t know how fearful this decadence is or how

’

widely it has spread We are amiable people our

.
,

kindly sentiments kept act ive by the ki ndly liquor

we drink and disposed t o believe that in a country
,

o f equal opportunit y for all the natural goodness o f ,

mankind will lead everyone to cultivate the same ex

ce lle n ce we practice T hat is a dangerous state o f
.

mind $ it could open the city and the citadel t o the

screeching horde wh i le we talked at ease over a
60 The Hou r

mar tini Which is why I had better in all humility

.
, ,

tell you my own experience $ it brought me to grips

w i th evil and i t s harsh moral is that the underground
can get to members of a man s own family ’
.

I t befell at Christmas time a se a son when we

,

think charitably of nearly everyone and everything .

Chimes in church steeples fill the lavender evening

with carols a lmost as heartwarming as the sound of
martini s stirred in a pitcher an d after a couple that
,

have been stirred properly the carols from loud

speakers along the avenue are not really offensive .

We glow with loving kindness and the fellowship is

-

willing to relax its discipline and let those of i t s

members who have a strong sense of ceremony drink
eggnog or T o m and Jerry Not me Not I judge .
, ,

any of the purest Ho t drinks are for people wh o

.

have had skiing accidents though it is an open ques

,

tion whether anyone who skis is worth giv ing li quor

to or his life worth saving Cream and eggs have
.

their place but that place is not an alcoholic drink ,

and it is no more right to foul up honest liquor with

them than to poison it with spinach juice You give .

them to invalids ? I don t know why T rue every

’
.
,

invalid every su ff erer everyone to whom your sym

, ,

pathy goes out will be cheered strengthened and

, , ,

restored by a Slug of good whiskey Or half a dozen .

,
 T h e En e my 61

decently spaced Bt u don t con fuse whiskey with

.
’

diet and don t mix them Remembe r always that the

’
.

three abominations are : ( l ) rum ( 2) any other ,

sweet drink and ( 3 ) any mixed drink except one

,

made of gin and dry vermouth in the ratio I have

given .

What s that? Does this hold for punches ? Se e

’

he re have I got t o stick my neck out about every

,

thing? Well you as ked for a ruling It is true that

, .

many stirring scenes and high moments in the

American past are associated with punch But o ur .

national past contained other things we would n o t

countenance now and can t be proud of So does ’
.

o u r personal past I confess that there were times .

whe n I drank punch even times when I persuaded ,

myself it wasn t as awful a s it tasted When I wa s

’

young I was as foolish as the next one and I went ,

through the whole repertoire both ways from F ish ,

House including the traditional punches of elegant

,

and select societies and the even more fe arful ones

that have come down in some very odd family lines .

’
Let s be honest T here is no such thing as a good
.

punch $ there isn t even a drinkable o n e I t s sweet

’
.
’

’
isn t it? It s mixed isn t it? It has got rum in it hasn t
’

,
’

,
’

i t? It is invariably an ignoble thing it i s made to ,

serve liquor t o people economically — i f you can t ’

62 Th e Hou r

serve good liquor to a lot of people serve good liquor ,

to a few people Put it this way Maybe you like a

. .

good Burgundy or a Pouilly or a Champagne How

, , .

would you like it mixed with root beer and Veg 8? -

As I was saying There had been premonitory

.

signs like the froth that runs in a stream ahead of a

,

flood but I did not recognize them for what they

,

were I s a w li s t e d among the N e w Yor ke r s s u gges

.
’ ’

tions for Chri s tmas gifts an expensive machine

which at a touch of one button would deliver three
gin and at touch o f another button one of vermouth .

I tolerantly reflected that among my friends are some

who if they received this obscenity for Christmas
, ,

would need a new gin button long before the ver

mouth one showed wear and then fatuously forgot ,

about it Next walking up F ifth Avenue I stopped

.
, ,

to look at a j eweler s window an d s a w there a satin

’

lined case somewhat larger than a woman s traveling ’

bag containing a corkscrew a bottle opener and a

, , ,

silver j igger all with large ornate horn handles

, ,

a n d the set priced at $ 8 5 Probably 3 this year

( 1 5 0
.

and on sale at a thousand places ) With the same .

foolish tolerance I thought ah ye s the rich , and , ,

though this was a pustule of the plague before my

eyes thought no more But my heedlessness was
, .

shattered on Christmas morning I found at the foot .

 T h e En e my 63

of the tree — no fl i n ch i n g now let s face it they ,

’

Were given to me by my wife — a dozen glass stir

r ing rods each containing a thermometer and each
-
,

thermometer marked with a green colored zone b e -

tween 5 0 and°
the zone said the box top of
, ,

proper and pleasurable drinking T his horrified me .

and I was aroused at last but panic did not strike till
a few days later when the mail brought me a cata
,

logue from a shop where I had once bought a cock

tail shaker : a simple undecorated article I take my
, ,

oath a clear glass pitcher of convenient size with a

, ,

handle and a lip that facilitates pouring in no way

quaint or cute T hat catalogue Spread the full hor
.

ror before me and I saw what evil had spread among

my countrymen while I drowsed in lotos land an ,

honest drink in a plain glass in my hand I sought .

out other catalogues I visited many stores and made

.

many inquiries T here had been no error or mis

.

take $ the evidence o f the first catalogue stands F ash .

i o n a b le hou s ehold goods shops sell the same cloacal

-

objects gifte shoppes sell them your favorite depart

, ,

ment store sells them the terri fying truth is that you
,

cannot walk half a mile in any bu s iness district in the

United States without finding some of them o ff ered
for sale and sold .

What is it like in a house where the family has

64 The Ho ur

been s eized by some fearful madness such as the

tarantelle ? What is it like when you vi s it such a
house and find strangers once your friends staring at
you with bright eyes out of d elusions that report
to them images of fever hallucinatory images of ,

nothing that exists in the clean sane world? I can ,

give you an idea for I can tell you what it 1 S like in

,

the American home that has made drinking whim

s i ca l .

Chuck the host i s wearing a white canvas apron

, ,

that h a s stamped on 1 t a picture of a mustached bar

tender shaking u p a drink $ droll legends have been
painted on the bar and block capitals above the bar
tender s head read
’
Name your P i z e n Gents , , .

Chuck s wife Mable h a s on a similar apron that

’

makes her appear to be clad in a big corset with ex

e r a t e d falsie cups and ev er so funny Umbrella
a
gg
-

drawers you know gay nineties stu ff daring as all

, ,
-
,

hell If the kiddie s h a ve not yet been sent upstairs

.

with a handful of marshmallows from Chuck s bar ,

they are dancing up and down and screaming with

’
laughter costumed in little aprons j ust like Popsie s
,

and Mom s Signs have been tacked up in the hall

’

a pointing hand which says T o the Bar Check $

.

”
your Morals or Don t T ake Yourself So Blamed
,
$ ’

”
Seriously or Danger : Men Drinking or up to
, ,
66 Th e Ho u r

a dozen others just as witty Mable likes t o protect

.

h erfurniture and God knows sh e h as to with the ,

people sh e entertains but in the spirit of things

-

likes to do so with hospitable glee So sh e has set up .

”
$
Cutie C o a s t r a ys e a éh of which has a different
,
$

gay gag (such as Danger : Hangover Under Con

struction or perhaps the s e t of eight will Show a
stripteaser in successive stage s of her act .

All this sets a gay mood and wins j olly smiles from
the guests but the really hilarious merriment does
not begin till Chuck gets to work He has a torso .

”
squeezer for limes though the de s ignation is i n
,

accurate for it isn t in the shape of a torso i t s a pair

’

,
’

of legs daringly naked ( He also has a bottle stop

, .

per with legs issuing from it ) T here are torsos on .

some muddlers but they will be discovered only by

d i scerning people who hold one to the light so that
it casts the shadow of a breast He has bottle stop .

pers with torsos on them too some bound with what

,

you can be s ure he calls a bras but some hot $

damn $ quite nude He has lots of b O t t le openers

, .
,

all comical but discarded as he found funnier gags .

He is not likely to surpass the newest one which he ,

now leads o ff with I t is called Horse s Rosette and ’

the catalogue says I t s the south end of a Chestnut

,
’ ‘ ’

horse done in natural rich russet Chuck backs i t .

 T h e En e my 67

over a bottle capand the roar of laughter he gets is

worth the four fif t y he paid for it-
.

T hat is only the first roar When you take a .

cigarette the box plays How Dry I Am One o f .

Chuck s bottles plays the same tune another one

’

F o r He s a Jolly Good F ellow and if you go u p

$ ’

”
stairs one of the world s greatest laugh producers
$ ’

will play one loudly on the toilet paper roll Want

, ,
-
.

a cocktail ? ( Chuck calls them that ) He uses a .

Shaker waggishly made in the form of a dinner bell ,

with a handle to swing it by T hat s for tonight .

’

he has another one that looks like a fire extingui sher

”
though it s stamped T hirst Extinguisher of course
’ $

and a third that has very stewed roi s terers on it and

a fourth with formulas for half a dozen reliable
vomitories Your cocktail glass narrows to a rounded
.

base s o that you cannot s e t it down — we don t ’

linger over drinks here and a female nude is

stretched over that bottom ( Bottom s e e : co n vu ls
.
,

ing ) Or maybe tonight the glasses wit h tipsy stems

.

remind you i t s brave and m anly to get soused or

’

, ,

more likely Chuck uses those whose stems are nude

,

women which the page says will make the guest

, ,

more interested in the glass than in the drink If .

you don t want a cocktail — and you don t

’
the ’

highball glass will have comic souses on it maybe , ,

68 The Ho u r

or an electric bulb in the base will light up when

you take it off the table .

Maybe $ but in his glassware ( and every other a d

ju n c t of the bar where it s possible Chuck prefers
’

)
to bring whimsy and liquor and nudity together He .

f
has retired the gla sse s t h a t had prankis h pink ele
p h a n t s on them and all the others that were just gags ,

however s i de splI t t I n g T h e new one s are all girls

. .

T h e girls are wearing clothes on the outside o f the

g lass
, the side someone else sees but a s you drink you
,

make out that on the inside either they are taking

,

o ff their clothes or they didn t have any o n to begin

with Another s e t has gi rls who are dres sed when

.

you pour the drink in but naked after the picture

h as soaked for a while But the one Chuck thinks is
.

the drollest has an O paque frosting except that a

clear space h a s been left in the shape of a keyhole \

and as you drink oh boy what you can see through

, , ,

that keyhole $
Lots of other naked and half dressed girls too -
.

T h e legs on the bottle stopper T h e bottle stopper .

with the other half of a naked girl on it the o n e ,

with half a girl in a bras and another one with a,

girl in bras and panties for you can be quite sure

,

Chuck calls them panties And don t miss the s e t o f

.
’

eight mugs whose handles are nudes successively

 T h e En e my 69

sprawling toward the rim and finally falling over it .

Next to undres sed girls the funniest gags are souses .

Some of the glass es have sou s es on them some have ,

wisecracks about getting soused there are drunks on ,

lampshades and trays game room walls are spotted

,
-

with framed jokes about hangovers and falling u p

stairs And one of Chuck s pourers
.
’
a pourer is
$

a gadget you put over the neck of the bottle is in

the shape of a drunk hanging on to a lamppost He .

h a s a red nose for humor and h e s holding out a

’

, ,

bottle which is the spout you pour through $ the

lamp on the post lights up and i t s marked Sa y ’

When .

Chuck certainly has done it up brown T here are .

lots Of other gags some of them neither girly nor

,

stewed jus t laughable T here are stoppers that look

, .

like hillbillies Mexicans F renchies Indians hobos

, , , , .

Some of the pourers shut themselves O ff and some

make cracks about Scotch means stingy F unniest .

damn thing h e s got though is the hat he presently

’

, ,

o ff ers you or pu t s on himself $ it has an i ce bag in the

crown and a bandage for the forehead and ear plugs
and pockets for Bromo Seltzer and the wisecracks ,

printed on it would double you up He has bottles .

that look like everything except bottles and a bar

radio that looks like a bottle He has six i n one i m .
- -
70 The Ho u r

le me n that will do anything to a drink except

ts
p
swallow it big hammers for little ice cubes a tray
, ,

tha t looks like a violin paper napkins with limericks

,

on them a sh trays in the shape of false teeth comical

, ,

dolls that hold pretzels and potato chips and every ,

where you turn big cit r ds with formulas for drinks .

You know what the formulas are T hey re just .

’

like the one s in the cookbooks only they re witty ,

’

and have w i cke d a llu s i on s to girls s cattered through

them T hey tell you to mix milk and honey with
.

Scotch Or cr eme de cassi s and sweet vermouth and

.

rye and Soda Or pour some whiskey over tansy

.

leaves Or Irish and grenadine Or sloe gin and dry

. .

vermouth and Scotch and bitters and phosphate and

powdered sugar and a little nutmeg on top Or stir .

into whatever liquor you re using some whipped

’

cream laced With grenadine Or to bo urbon add .

grenadine mixed with strong Pekoe and curacao and

evaporated milk and confectioner s sugar and cinna ’

mon Merely to read them threatens to produce

.

emesis and there is greater nausea in realizing that

these things are actually drunk T hey are drunk .

by Chuck in a funny hat and Mable who has just

wound up the music box in the toilet and their
group of merry friends from glasses which light up
,

and d i sp la v a blonde taking o ff her skirt .

 T h e En e my 71

My country,o h my country $ these are the louts

$
,

who but for the fellowship could bring thee down .

But brethren give them one moment of compassion

, ,

s o little aware of liquor s o little worthy of it that

, ,

they must make it coy and cute and leering of such ,

small personal resources that it can free the m to no

wellbeing of their own T hey do not like the good
.

n ess of good liquor for they kill its taste with dis
,

gusting things T hey do not get fro m it the r eco n cil

.

i a t i o n that knits up the raveled day for you and me ,

fo r they have to buy their wit on printed cards .

T hey have not got the imagination nor the com

an i o n a b le n es s nor the human sensitiveness that
p
g ood drinking nurtures to a glow T hey d rink their .

messes to the end that a slight mechanical lewdness

may seem daring T hat they may look at a woman
.

and a drink o f liquor without panic T hat they may .

bray with a brassy laughter when someone fresh from

a jokeshop produces still another glass this time in ,

the shape of a chamberpot Even the stimulation .

they get is not the benevolence of alcohol but sys

t e mi c poisoning a rebellion of the stomach against
,

the filth they pour into it T o their infantile minds

.

there is something glorious and heroic in getting

drunk and yet for all their daring they never get
there It is not drunkenness that makes them pass
.
72 Th e Hou r

out on a game room floor littered wi th last century s

-
’

vaudeville jokes not drunkenness j ust botulism

, , .

One moment only then put pity away from you

, .

F o r if they live the city and our fellowship will fall

, .

Sound the trumpet a n d s e t up our standard in the

square F rom all parts of the city the honest the
.
,

virtuous and the kindly will repair to it T o the

, .

sewer with their drinks smash their glassware in t he

,

fireplace and tha t mug whose handle is a bent and

,

gartered knee will make a useful bludgeon for their

skulls Death and damnation to Chuck Mable and
.
, ,

all their progeny and f riends to the last of them ,

without heir or issue till the air is pure again and

,

we can walk the streets of a clean and qu I e t city ,

aware that we have saved our heritage .

’
And speedily F o r it s getting on toward six o clock
.
’

.
 Th e Hour

HE VI SION i s for the appo i nted time .

It would be good to know what great man

covered distillation We never will but when his
.
,

earliest disciples were finding o u t what a still could

do words too had power T h e water of life they
.
,

called the myste ry a qu a v i ta e ea u de v i e T hey

‘

, , .

s poke well .

May six o clock ne ver find you alone T h e mys

’
.

t e r y s heart of he arts is mutuality Men put down

’
.

their packs t o share the vanishing away nor can a

-
,

75
76 Th e Ho u r

man hold a weapon in one hand if he has a drink in

the other But if you should be alone when evening
.

comes on then this beni gnant spirit is a good com

,

panion Not by first choice a bar unless you are b e

.

nighted on the road Or in the streets but if so then ,

surely a bar — and worth going a fur piece or a ,

r ight smart one to find the proper kind Better per

,
.

haps a club Avoid the U n i ve r sI t y Club any college

.

,
,

club for it will be full of young men T h e young

, .

are not unsound as such it i s they who properly ,

'

schooled must succeed u s But it does take them an

, .

unconscionable time to learn that we do not hold

football rallies at six o clock T hroughout the last
’
.

quartering of the sun it has been an open question

if we would make it and the odds gr ew longer with
the shadows We have crossed the lin e with spectral
.

fingers missing us by only a hairs breadth In the mo .

ment when we realize that we have made it after all

and the heart whispers Not T oday we want no ,

noise A loud voice afflicts the ear worse than drums

.
,

though raised in comradeship and song is not to be ,

borne .

Much can be said for the kind of club called stu ff y .

F or one thing the bartender must meet the constant

,

criticism of experienced and discriminating men ,

the best of whom also compose the Cellar Commit

 The Ho u r 77

tee and buy thoughtfully F or another propriety .

,

and age combine to make the membership speak in

whispers F or fifteen years I have belonged to such a
.

club and though that term has brought me to the

estate where my friends grandchildren stand up and
’

offer me their chairs I still remain a probationer

,

plugging for the first form If I hear a whisper .

”
speaking of the war I know it is not my war which
$

was also Black Jack Pershing s but at the latest ’

Admiral Dewey s and more likely the one our Con

’

federate members won .

So it is a good place to reach just ahead of the

pursu i ng feet T iptoeing across the almost dark
.

cavern of the lounge ( at the hour all lamps should

be shaded and only a few of them lit for if the body ,

is in shadow the soul will the sooner turn toward the

s u n ) I take my drink to a chair so big that one s head
’

cannot be seen above its back by a window that ,

faces a cross town street We are near enough the

-
.

avenue to hear the traffi c diminishing T his is an .

hour of dimin i shing of slowing down of qu i e t l n g

, , .

T hus islanded in dimness and the murmur of traffic

fading toward silence one is apt for the ministration
, .

Calm against background tumult is an essential of

the hour $ it is the fir e li gh t shining through the cabin
window on the snow of the forest the strong shack
’

,
78 Th e Ho u r

beside a lake whose waters a gale is hurling up the

shore .

( Cabin. T h e martini is a city dweller a metro ,

politan I t is not to be drunk beside a mountain

.

s tream or anywhere e l se in the wilds not in the open ,

there or even indoors And thi s is not due to the

.

facts that one must carry two kinds of liquor and

that ice is hard to come by I have sometimes taken.

gin and vermouth with me to the wilderness my

trade requires me to visit and by good staff work
have located ice A martini is never bad and I could
.

not be brought to dispraise it but it does not har

mo n i z e with campfires and sleeping bags It does .

not feel at home on r 1 ve r boats either — o n any ,

sm all boats Whiskey is forthright and therefore

.

better here All cultural subtleties belong to the

.
(

city — where else are wome n b eautiful ? )

Which brings us to Marjorie At six o clock take .
’

Marjorie t o a bar And now we must be certain it i s

.

the right bar T his is one of the most satisfying of

.

all the settings and combinations that l i fe a ff ords .

And we owe it we owe both Marj or i e and the bar

to the age which I have said was mostly dark t o ,

Prohibition Prohibition sanctioned women to

.

share liquor with men frankly wi thout su r r e pt i ,

t i o u sn ess or shame F o r the unilateral saloon — a

.
80 Th e Ho u r

p i er and anchorage and buttress of virtuous living

but sometimes of unpleasing decor and often much
too boisterous at S lx o clock — i t substituted the ’

speakeasy T h e speakeasy was quietly decorated and

.

happily illuminated and both the pretense of se

, ?

crecy and the presen ce of women enforced quiet b e

havior and good manners When Repeal came we .

had the sens e to apply the le sson and a good bar to

day is i n di s t i n gu i s hh b le from a good speakeasy of
1 930 .

$ uiet and softly lighted o f course not necessar i ly , ,

tiny but at least small only a fe w stools for the sol i

,

tary and if banquettes then not violently colored

, ,

if booths then not cramped T here is no more fi t .

ting place for the slackening of exigency the with ,

dr a wa l of necessity T ime is extensible n o hour

.
,

must be met there is no pressure t o go anywhere

,

else we could eat next door but we ll take that

-
’

up later on don t bother about it now Sh e is a

,
’
.

p retty woman and she will be prettier ve r y soon .

And sh e cannot sustain now the contrari eties of

other hours and moods $ they yield to the sovereign
solvent So it i s Marjorie s presence that reveals the
.
’

fullest meaning of the water of life $ what it truly

dissolves away is loneliness Sh e and good liquor at .
82 Th e Ho u r

as well as I do what snarling the wind carries My .

friend slips out of humanity even as we do and , ,

when with detached amazement he sees that he has

lasted till the end of the day s job like us he starts ’

homeward fully aware that he h a s no chance of mak

i ng it T hat last s h uddering half hour $ the soul
.
-

s hredded to excelsior the heart deaf and blind the

, ,

nerves carrying the overload that will burn o u t the

last fuse Like us he hears t h e jaws snap shut behind
.

him as he goes through the door But mark what .

happens n o w He makes for a hot bath And there

. .

he lies steaming and his accomplished wife serves

h i m martinis that have the halo of perfect i on .

No T h i s is too little spiritual $ there is too much

.

selfishness too much ego too much disregard It

, , .

forfeits too much Bad enough to reduce a free Splr l t

.

and an artist to a servitor but worse to monopolize

,

artist and art focus the hour on himself and scorn

, ,

the fellowship .

Build the citadel strong I give you instead the

.

knowledge that when you open that door on libera

tion there will be not only Marjorie but two or three
or even four friends too If one or t wo are women
.
,

let them be like Marjorie soft spoken rewarding t o

,
-
,

look at o f quick intuition Let the children play

, .

quietly apart or be locked in the coal cellar T h e .

 Th e Hour 83

room quiet the lamps shaded dusk beyond the win

, ,

dows and o n the little table a big bowl o f ice and

, ,

more vermouth and gin than we can possibly want .

Whiskey if you s a y so but why? , Marjorie and I

have mastered the martini .

T h e moment of tableau is far finer than that when

the house lights go out the footlights go on and the
, ,

conductor raises his baton to bring the strings and

woodwinds in on the first beat He has no symphony
.

so rich a s ours Does it matter what the newsboys

.

are yelling in the street? T here With that taste .

illusion ebbs away $ the water of life has swept us

i nto its curr ent .

T h e rat stops gnawing in the wood the dungeon ,

wal ls withdraw the weight is lifted Nerve ends

, .

that stuck through your skin like bri s tles when you
blotted the last line or shut the offi ce door behind
you have withdrawn into their sheaths Your pulse .

steadie s and the s u n has found your heart You were .

wrong about the day you did more admirably than

,

you believed you did well enough you did well

, , .

T h e day was not bad the season has not been bad
, ,

there is sense and even promise in going on .

Ho w fastidiously cold a second martini is to the

palate but how warm to the heart being drunk , .

What you seem to hear is not distant music but h ope

84 Th e Ho ur

re echoing in a now lighted secrecy These are good

- -
.

men wise considerate indomitable T here is more

, , , .

richness than you remembered and you yourself

have rediscovered the wit and sureness that the illu
sion hid Observe the pinkness in Marj orie s cheeks
.
’

the eagerness in h e ié eyes $ sh e i s shrewdly and subtly

.

formed $ how s agacious the way sh e has done her

hair how pleasant her dress how responsive he r
, ,

fingers .

T h e walls are breached Are down T here were . .

no walls .

Certainly I ll have another one T h e water of life

’

was given to u s to make us s ee for a while that we

are more nearly men and women more nearly kind ,

and gentle and generous pleasanter and stronger , ,

than without its vision there is any evidence we ar e .

It is the healer the weaver of fo r g1 ve n e ss and recon

,

ciliation the ju s t ifie r of us to ourselve s and one

,

another One more and then with a spirit made

.
,

whole again in a cleansed world to dinner , .