Pennsylvania State University Mack.

docx (Friday, August 7)

Passionate Pursuits Lead to Lifelong Dreams (okay title, but a colon title would be better)

Computers are my passion--they build relationships and edify worldly solidarity. (doesn’t explain
why they are your passion, just the benefits of them). These miraculous machines tell stories,
afford people the opportunity to go to college who would not normally attend, and allow for
individuals to develop businesses and prosper. Computers grant people the opportunity to
connect with people regardless of their location, nationality, culture, or language. (solid points
and worded clearly)

The first time I fell in love with computers was during a computer class that I attended when I
was eight. My teacher assigned an addition problem to the class. I used a calculator to solve it.
(could be one sentence). I was faster than my peers, so I was excited and waved my hand
eagerly when I was done (could be worded differently). I wanted my teacher to praise my
expediency. He just smiled and said, “Let me show you a faster way.” (great anecdote and
leaves the reader anxious to know what the teacher showed him).

He opened an Excel spreadsheet and entered the problem. The answer was instantly displayed
neatly and orderly. This was the first time that I had experienced efficiency. From that moment, I
began to learn computers by myself. I filled my room with newspapers and magazines related to
computers. I immersed (great vocab word) myself in this newfound knowledge that gave me
complete joy.

My interest in computers continued (sentence not needed). When I was in the seventh grade, I
explored computer programming solitarily. I told my computer teacher about my interest in the
field. He told me that if I wanted to learn programing, (could be one sentence), I should begin
with C Programing Language. I took this extracurricular class, taught by my computer teacher,
to learn it (not needed). I soon discovered that it was quite a challenge for me; I was surrounded
by twelfth graders and college students. Although I felt overwhelmed, I met with my teacher
daily after school. After several weeks of tutoring, I was able to make some simple programs in
this language. Gradually, I gained relationships with many friends in the class; now, my friends
and family refer to me as the “computer expert.” (this is cute!).

I arrived in America 5 (spell it out) months ago as part of an exchange program. The many
experiences that I have encountered in America are helping me with my success in university.
During the past few months, I am becoming accustomed to American culture and did well in an
American high school. Besides taking academic courses, I have joined the Be a Leader Club,
which allows me to hone my English speaking skills both formally and informally. These
experiences will all assist me when I attend college so that I can maintain personal relationships
with diverse people and communicate effectively. (this whole paragraph had nothing to do with
computers or how it assisted him in communicating with others to eventually go into college.)
Everyone has a passion, a desire to do something with their lives. Some complete these goals
and become doctors or engineers and still others never meet these goals. Others surpass their
dreams and become neurosurgeons or lead patent engineers. For me, learning computer is a
lifelong dream that I know I will fulfill, and if afforded the opportunity to attend your university, I
know that I will surpass this goal and continue to thrive in this exciting, rewarding field.

This essay has some grammar issues and could be worded more clearly. However, the essay
was overall effective and personal. The personal stories added to the author’s character and
created a connection between the author and the reader. But it did not do an excellent job of
connecting the main part of the essay to why it helped the author interact with people in America
and how it would be utilized in college.