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Grena

Jacey Grena

Lauren Brandenburg

ENG101

20 August 2020

Motherhood Memoir

Giving birth is something that is beyond rewarding, and to experience it multiple times is a

blessing. Although it can be a very draining and an exhausting experience, it is one that not

everyone experiences. Morphing from a single person to creating another human being, to be a

parent, the change is exhilarating. I have learned patience, unconditional love, and how to

function as a zombie. Well not really a zombie but very much sleep deprived that everyone asks

if you are okay, because you look terrible. From birth to motherhood there is so many

experiences and knowledge that your intake.

I was 24 when my husband and I decided to start trying. Trying can be such a weird word in

motherhood, and conception. Some women try for months, years, and others one time is a go.

We tried for a few months and didn’t think it would be as fast as it was. I finally took a

pregnancy test 10 days past my period start day and saw those two lines. Those two lines that

some don’t want, and some wait forever for. I quickly ran into the bedroom and showed my

husband who in turn cried. Backstory, he was told due to a varicose vain on his testicle that he

would have issues with having children. I had so many emotions happy, sad, terrified of birth.
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Watching all the Hollywood movies with screaming women who were being portrayed as crazy

definitely made me nervous.

Unfortunately, during my pregnancy, we found out we were high risk due to single umbilical

artery. Normally there are 3 blood vessels; one vein and two arteries, but ours was on vein and

one artery. It can cause problems with the kidneys, which we found out wasn’t an issue at 20

weeks, but it can also cause premature birth or baby to stop growing in which they would need

to induce early. I also have a condition when pregnant that causes my blood platelets to get low

which can also cause premature birth as well. I continued to freak out about birth and delivery

weekly. They worried I would go into premature labor so much that I worried, until the closer

we were to his due date the more my body showed it wasn’t ready. My midwife Janelle was

very pushy into having an induction. She wasn’t very informed about two vessel cords and low

blood platelets, or so I have been told by other doctors.

I was induced on November 9th at 2 am. It started with half a pill and then Pitocin. The room

that I was so excited about bringing my child into this world in was not the room I received.

Instead of receiving the natural birth room that came with a huge pool, tub and nice big bed

with relaxing flowers painted on the ceiling, I got the more medical room. The medical room

wasn’t terrible, but it was plain with green walls, cold and daunting. After 8 hours of no cervical

progress, they gave me a break from Pitocin and tried this creepy balloon trick. The balloon

failed, and while she was trying to place it in, she forced my cervix open more and broke my

water. Pitocin started again, this time the contractions started becoming more intense. I could
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physically feel my whole-body crumble at each contraction. I desperately wanted a natural birth

or as close to one as I could. I tried laughing gas, and everything started morphing into weird

shadows, but the pain continued. I was finally ready to push, the feeling of needing to poop

overcame me. I begged for the nurse to grab the doctor, told my husband if I can’t push, I will

die. Screaming like I was being murdered the midwife finally came in and I began to push. The

ring of fire started and pushing past that was like being burned and continuing to hold the hot

pan. After his head came out, I felt relief, and then he was laid on me, Jackson was born. The

crying of a baby made all the pain I endured fade away into the depths of darkness. This mother

feeling took over and I began shushing the baby and trying to breastfeed.

Coming home with my first son was like a haze, and grim almost. I was so happy to be able to

leave, but we lived with my parents until we found a new apartment, so the coming home part

wasn’t as fun. I was confused on breastfeeding and because I had my son during the weekend,

they didn’t have a consultant to help. My mom put me down about breastfeeding constantly,

so much so that I ended up giving up breastfeeding and switched to formula. My son had colic

and would cry all time of the day and night which meant I slept whenever he slept. My son

stopped having issues once he was about 4 months old. We lived in an apartment and when

your husband works full time in a kitchen it’s like being a single mom. My husband was home to

sleep and every once and a while had a day off, but since he worked so much he didn’t know

how to help or what to do for my child. During this time, I learned a lot about motherhood,

from feeding, and crying to how to handle everything alone. I began doing some work from
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home side gigs and taking care of all our finances. After I started getting a hang of everything, I

decided I would be happy if we added to the family even without help. My son was 9 months

old when we found out I was pregnant again. We had only tried once this time, so I was

definitely not expecting to be pregnant. Although I hear even with women who have issues that

after you have one child it is easier to become pregnant again.

My Second labor and pregnancy were not as intense. One of the hardest factors was that my

third trimester was all done during a pandemic. The unknown of the disease, and if my husband

would even be able to be in the hospital with me was freaky. Going to appointments alone

while my son stayed at his grandparents was hard for me. I had never left him alone with

anyone, so going to those appointments caused a lot of anxiety and stress. Labor was easy

minus my older son being at his grandparents, in fact it was pretty uneventful until I began to

push. I woke up to my water leaking at 8am, and denied I was in labor. I had no pain, no steady

contractions; how could I be in labor? I started having slight contractions at 11 am and I mean

they were so slight I barely thought they were contractions. We went to my parents’ house to

see them and leave my son there when my labor progressed. The light contractions started

having some pressure, and steadiness so we decided to go to the hospital. The hospital had a

new rule my husband couldn’t come in with me unless I was in full labor and admitted into a

room. I knew I was in full blown labor at this time I could barely walk alone and was hysterically

crying that I would have this baby all alone while my husband Idled in the car. I make it to

triage; they make me pee in a cup to check if in fact my water broke. They never did get around
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to checking the pee, and that was so tough to pee in a cup holding myself up alone wondering

when my husband would make it and they didn’t even check it. The nurse put an IV in checked

my cervix and as she did, I went from 5cm to 7cm dilated within seconds of her checking. She

called for my husband to be with me, and he made it up just before I was placed in a room.

After being placed in a room I was ready for pushing so fast. I remember the contractions

getting harder as I stared at the ceiling of these beautiful flowers that were hand painted there.

My midwife Jen came in and was so encouraging, asked if I was ready to push and I didn’t have

that push feeling yet, but the nurses told her I was. She quickly realized that my baby was sunny

side up which I guess is hard to push out. It took about 30 minutes of trying to transition the

baby into a better position. Doing different stretches and techniques I finally had the push

feeling. I felt him come out, and for some reason at that moment I remembered the birth of a

horse I had watched when I was a child. I thought that birth was so peaceful and loving. I

watched my son come out and he was placed on me. He was born at 4 pm only 8 hours after I

woke up. Jameson was born.

Jackson was 18 months when we had his brother on May 1st. My first son Jackson

immediately took to my newborn Jameson. They had a bond instantly and I am so grateful for

that. I had to help him overcome some jealousy, which he still randomly gets today. He started

throwing tantrums and acting out for attention, that was something I didn’t think about when

having a second child. I also didn’t know how my love was going to spread to both of them. I

knew my love would be so different when having Jackson, because it was something I never
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experienced. To my surprise I love both of my children exactly the same, they both are my

world and I can’t imagine a world without them. There are trying days, and I barely get through

them. I learned though that patience and taking breaks that include meditation and praying

help.

Motherhood is such a wild ride. You push this baby out and then all of a sudden instinct

takes over. Just like when you learn to swim or ride a bike how you never forget how to do that

is how it feels to become a mom, it’s something that was just inside of me. I know for a lot of

women that moment never comes. They desperately either want to have children or want to

just have instinct take over and become the mom they thought they would be. There are so

many different things women go through when becoming a mom. Some of which is realizing no

two births are the same. No two moms will have the same experiences and same motherhood

challenges, but we are all in it together. Being a mom, I have learned that a mother’s love is

different than a father. Yes, fathers love their children and work for them and do anything they

can, but mothers love grows deep. Each baby leaves an imprint inside you from carrying them,

and you never fully recover that birth. No matter how joyous or painful you will always be able

to remember and somehow feel how it was carrying them. You forget your pain and just bask in

the joy of all their smiles, laughter, firsts and gibberish. They make you change the person you

thought you were and make you this strong force that you never knew was inside of you. I

never knew how much I could love something unconditionally before having children. How they
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can just magically take over your entire world and flip it. You truly can’t understand being a

mom until you are one.