Chapter 3: Empathy (Emotional Action)

I.Introduction
The term “empathy” is used to describe a wide range of experiences. Emotion
researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled
with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.

Empathy is the experience of understanding another person's condition from their

perspective. You place yourself in their shoes and feel what they are feeling. Empathy is known
to increase prosocial (helping) behaviors.

Contemporary researchers often differentiate between two types of empathy: “Affective

empathy” refers to the sensations and feelings we get in response to others’ emotions; this can
include mirroring what that person is feeling, or just feeling stressed when we detect another’s
fear or anxiety. “Cognitive empathy,” sometimes called “perspective taking,” refers to our
ability to identify and understand other peoples’ emotions.

The ability to see things from someone else's point of view is known as empathy which
was coined by those touchy-feely Germans to convey the idea of sharing another person's
emotions. It differs from sympathy, which is the ability to understand and feel sorry for others.
Empathy involves emotional engagement with someone by temporarily taking over their identity.
Not just standing in their shoes, but feeling their blisters. An empath is someone who has unusual
sensitivity to other people's feelings. A psychopath has none.

"Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." - Jack Handey

Empathy is a key attribute of emotional intelligence, or EQ, which is prized by some

companies almost as highly as IQ. If you want to get on in an organisation, you have to get on
with people first. It's also a component of neurolinguistic programming (NLP), which enables
you to build trust with other people by observing and mirroring their behaviour and language,
including their body language.

"Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you
criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes." - Jack Handey

Judging creative ideas, on the other hand, is a subjective, qualitative process. It is heavily
affected by individual preference, which in turn is influenced by personal experience and
prejudice. The problem is further compounded when we have to gauge how an idea will appeal
to other people - namely, our customers.
 This requires us not just to adopt a stranger's point of view, but to temporarily abandon
our own. The trick is to wipe the slate clean of your individual knowledge, beliefs and
experience about the subject, clearing your memory cache like shaking an Etch-a-Sketch. Only
when you empty your mind can you fully absorb the views of others. This is a rare gift, even
within creative agencies; we all carry our personal luggage, and it is hard to leave it at the door
when we are closely involved in a brand or project. But if you master the art of serial identity
theft, you can achieve true insight.

- to live in their emotional skin and feel what they feel. That is true empathy.

The secret of personal fulfilment, they say, is to be yourself. The secret of effective
understanding is to be someone else, one person at a time.

II.How to Understand People: Ask, Listen, and Get Real

To be empathic, you have to think beyond yourself and your own concerns. Once you see
beyond your own world, you'll realize that there's so much to discover and appreciate!
People who are accused of being egotistical and selfish, or lacking perspective, have
often missed the big picture: that they are only one person in a world with billions of other
people (although, yes, this can be overwhelming if you think about it too long!)
Using Empathy Effectively
To start using empathy more effectively, consider the following:

 Put aside your viewpoint, and try to see things from the other person's point of view.
 When you do this, you'll realize that other people most likely aren't being evil, unkind,
stubborn, or unreasonable – they're probably just reacting to the situation with the
knowledge they have.
Validate the other person's perspective.
Once you "see" why others believe what they believe, acknowledge it. Remember:
acknowledgement does not always equal agreement. You can accept that people have different
opinions from your own, and that they may have good reason to hold those opinions.
Examine your attitude.
Are you more concerned with getting your way, winning, or being right? Or, is your
priority to find a solution, build relationships, and accept others? Without an open mind and
attitude, you probably won't have enough room for empathy.
Listen.
Listen  to the entire message that the other person is trying to communicate.

 Listen with your ears – what is being said, and what tone is being used?
 Listen with your eyes – what is the person doing with his or her body while speaking?
 Listen with your instincts – do you sense that the person is not communicating something
important?
 Listen with your heart – what do you think the other person feels?
Ask what the other person would do.
When in doubt, ask  the person to explain his or her position. This is probably the
simplest, and most direct, way to understand the other person. However, it's probably the least
used way to develop empathy.
It's fine if you ask what the other person wants: you don't earn any "bonus points" for
figuring it out on your own.
For example, the boss who gives her young team members turkey vouchers for the
holidays, when most of them don't even cook, is using her idea of a practical gift – not theirs.
Practice these skills when you interact with people. You'll likely appear much more caring and
approachable – simply because you increase your interest in what others think, feel, and
experience. It's a great gift to be willing and able to see the world from a variety of perspectives
– and it's a gift that you can use all of the time, in any situation.

Here are some more tips for an empathic conversation:

 Pay attention, physically and mentally, to what's happening.

 Listen carefully, and note the key words and phrases that people use.
 Respond encouragingly to the central message.
 Be flexible – prepare to change direction as the other person's thoughts and feelings also
change.
 Look for cues that you're on target.
Key Points
Developing an empathic approach is perhaps the most significant effort you can make
toward improving your people skills. When you understand others, they'll probably want to
understand you – and this is how you can start to build cooperation, collaboration, and
teamwork.
III. Connecting with Others through Empathy
Being able to practice empathy is one of the most important skills you can learn. In a
world that spends so much time picking at flaws and igniting fear and anger in people, empathy
can be a balm to that fear and anger. It can help you, and others, lead a more fulfilling and
healthier life. Empathy means you have to put yourself in their shoes and be aware of and
sensitive to their feelings to help them.

1 Listen. Listening is one of the most effective ways you can demonstrate empathy to other
people. When you are practicing active listening, you are listening with purpose.[1] You aren't
fiddling about on your phone, or thinking about what you're going to make for dinner tonight,
you're really taking in what the other person is saying.
 If you're listening to someone and you get distracted by thinking about dinner or whatever it
is you want to say next in the conversation, bring yourself back to the present by saying "I
was just thinking about ___(last thing you remember them saying)__ and I was wondering if
you could repeat what you just said so that I don't miss anything."
 Look the speaker in the eye (don't stare, but try to maintain eye contact), and sit facing the
person. Don't let your gaze drift all over the place, because it will look as though you aren't
paying attention and that you don't care what this person has to say. (Eye contact is culturally
based. Some people feel it's rude and many autistics feel literally threatened by it. If you
aren't sure, ask what they would prefer.)
 Active listening requires three things.[2] First, paraphrase what the person said to show that
you understood the content. This is a general listening skill as well. Second, reflect back your
emotional reaction. Reflecting back your emotions is a key part of empathy because it helps
the person better understand and regulate their own emotions. This is a core reason why we
require empathy from others. Their reactions help us regulate our own responses and make
sense of it in the world. Third, indicate how your response makes you want to behave.
Expressing your behavior is another key element, because again you are demonstrating that
you understand their emotional state and helping them figure out a behavior to move forward
with.
2 Open up. Just listening to someone isn't going to build a bridge between the two of you.
Opening up emotionally is an incredibly difficult and brave thing to do but it will deepen the
connection with another person.[3]
 Empathy is a two-way street. It's about sharing vulnerabilities and an emotional connection.
To truly practice empathy, you have to share your own inner landscape with someone else as
they reciprocate
 This doesn't mean you have to spill your life story to every person that you meet. You get to
decide who you're going to share yourself with, but, to practice empathy, you have to be open
to the possibility and the opportunity of opening up, especially with the people you least
expect.
 Once you find an individual with whom you'd like to be more open, try the following: rather
than leaning on thoughts or opinions in conversation, attempt to express your feelings about a
given topic. Try to start your sentences with "I", or in the first person. For example, "I am
very glad we got to hang out today." Finally, refrain from answering a question with "I don't
know" especially if it is a personal question. People often respond in this way to prevent from
going deeper with another person. Try to come up with an answer that truly expresses how
you feel.
3 Offer physical affection. Now, you can't do this for everyone and, obviously, you should ask
before you give someone physical affection to make sure that it's okay (even if you've known
them for awhile). Showing physical affection, however, can boost oxytocin levels and make both
of you feel better.[5]
 If you know the person well, give them a hug, or put an arm around their shoulders, or a hand
on their arm. Not only does this show that your attention is focused on them, but it creates a
connection between the two of you.
 Oxytocin has been known to help people better interpret other people's emotions, so a
consensual hug can build up your emotional intelligence as well as the emotional intelligence
of the person with whom you're empathizing.
4 Focus your attention outwards. Pay attention to your surroundings and to the feelings,
expressions, and actions of the people around you. Be mindful about how others you interact
with might be feeling.[7]
 Notice your surroundings, really notice them. Pay attention to sounds, smells, sights and
register them consciously. People tend to register things unconsciously. For example, think
how many times you've walked or driven somewhere and have no memory whatsoever of
getting from A to B. Take in your surroundings mindfully.
 Research has shown that practicing mindfulness about your surroundings and the people
around you makes you more likely to extend empathy towards them and to help when
someone needs it.
5 Withhold judgment. This is an important step when practicing empathy and when practicing
mindfulness. It can be really hard to withhold immediate judgment, especially when first meeting
or interacting with someone. And yet, this is a crucial step towards being empathetic.[9]
 Try to gain a deeper understanding of someone else's perspective without immediately saying
that it is bad or good. In this way you're able to get to a deeper level of understanding. This
does not necessarily mean that the other person is right or good, but taking the time to gain a
deeper perspective will help you in developing empathy towards them.[10]
 Of course, this is not to say that if someone is acting a reprehensible manner (saying racist or
sexist things or behaving like a bully) that you shouldn't intervene or say something.
Speaking up is an act of courage and compassion.
 Making snap judgments about others is a fundamental aspect of being human.[11]We
developed this ability from our ancestors in order to read potentially dangerous people and
situations. However, this innate mechanism can be hard to override.
 The next time you find yourself making a snap judgment about another person, try to
override this judgement by: 1) Looking deeper at the person for ways you can empathize
with a situation the person is going through. 2) Noting a few things this person probably has
in common with you (when we can uncover universal commonalities, we are less likely to
judge others). 3) Asking the person questions, so you can learn more about their unique story.
6 Offer help. This shows that you see what someone is going through and you want to make life
easier for them. Offering help is a great act of empathy, because it shows that you're willing to
take time out of your day to do something for someone else without asking anything in return.[12]
 Offering help can be as simple as holding the door for a person who's entering the same
building as you, or buying a coffee for the person behind you in line. It can be as big as
helping your grandfather set up his computer and talking him through how it works. Or, it
can be offering to take care of your sister's kids for the weekend so she can take a break.
 Even just offering the opportunity to help, can be an empathetic gesture. Tell a friend that if
they need anything they can ask, opening up the way for providing help and support.
Building Up Your Empathy

Learn to recognize and name your feelings, before allowing them to drive any
decisions. That's right.

1 Practice curiosity about strangers. Part of showing empathy is being interested in other

people, especially people that you know nothing about and who are outside of your social circle.
These can be the random people you meet on the bus, or who you're standing in line for coffee
with.[13]
 This sort of curiosity moves beyond simply talking about the weather - although that is
always a great place to start. You want to understand a little of another person's world,
especially a person that you might not normally talk to. It will also require opening up about
yourself, because you can't have this type of conversation without giving of yourself, too.
 Having these types of conversations is also a great time to test your empathy, because some
people don't want to talk, so you can learn to pick out these behaviors and leave these people
alone. Check for things like whether they reading a book, wearing headphones, facing away
from everyone and not making eye contact.
 If a person makes eye contact with you, smile at the person encouragingly. Then, try to find
something about their surroundings or personal characteristics in which you can use as an
opening to engage in a conversation. Some examples may include: commenting on a book
the person is reading or asking the person for help or an explanation about something in your
environment. Continue to smile encouragingly and use the other person's name sporadically
in conversation.
 Also, always make sure that you care for yourself in these situations. If you feel threatened or
uncomfortable by the person you're talking to, end the conversation and get away. Trust your
instincts.

2 Volunteer. Sometimes, people are only motivated to reach out and help others after they
themselves have been in need. If you want to develop empathy for others, volunteer now.
Volunteering promotes understanding of the needs of the community and allows you to connect
with people you may not otherwise meet in your everyday life. Dedicating a portion of your time
to those in need also has amazing mental health benefits.[14]
 Do some research regarding your local community to determine which populations may be in
need. You can volunteer with your local Habitat for Humanity, at a homeless shelter, the Red
Cross, or even offer to tutor school children.

3 Challenge your own prejudice. It's hard sometimes to remember that just because you firmly
believe in something doesn't mean that it's right. Take time to analyze your own prejudices.
Learning to see individual people rather than "welfare moms" or "terrorists" or "gangsters" will
help you practice your empathy.[15]
 Search for things that you share in common with someone who you originally see as one
specific label and use that commonality to forge a connection with that person.
 Also, challenge your biases and assumptions. Ask yourself why you think that all poor
people are lazy, or all people with mental health issues are dangerous, or that all followers of
a certain religion are terrorists. A lot of assumptions and prejudices are bases on erroneous
information that has become widespread. Educate yourself and listen to the groups that are
affected by this misinformation.

4 Use your imagination. A good imagination is one of the cornerstones of showing empathy
towards something. You're not going to be able to experience every single thing that can happen
to a person, but you can use your imagination to give you an inkling of how it might feel and use
that understanding to empathize with them.[16]
 Actively imagining what someone else might be suffering can help you empathize with
them. So, instead of deciding that the old man on the street begging for money is
automatically going to use what he gets on booze, try imagining what it would be like to
live on the streets, on the mercy of unmerciful people, in a system that punishes people
like veterans, the mentally ill, and the destitute.
 Research has found that people who read fiction tend to be better at understanding
emotions, behaviors, and intentions. So read widely and try to branch out into the works
of marginalized people.[17]

5 Practice experiential empathy. This means getting a direct experience of another person's

life, the "walk a mile in another person's shoes" adage. The writer, George Orwell, lived on the
streets of London to discover what it was like for those on the margins of society. Orwell made
friends, changed his view on the destitute (deciding they were not "drunken scoundrels"), and
changed his views on inequality.[18]
 You don't have to go quite that far, but consider taking on all the things that your mother
does in a day for an entire week. You'll discover how difficult it is to manage both the home
and work, and you'll have a better appreciation for how much work she has to do. You may
even decide to pitch in a bit more.
 Likewise, if you're religious (or atheist) consider attending the service of another faith, not to
ridicule or to feel superior to, but to learn what it is like for them.
6 Treat people as being important.[19] Start treating people as if they have as much importance
as you do. Recognize that you aren't the only one living in this world and that you aren't some
superior being.
 Take each person as they come. Don't lump them into stereotypical groups with erroneous
one-size-fits-all labels. Each person is an individual and comes with a set of flaws and
strengths.

7 Practice loving-kindness meditation. Meditating is a great way to help yourself deal with

things like depression and anxiety and just the stresses of day to day existence. Practicing loving-
kindness meditation, however, can help make you more empathetic.[20]
 Start by doing regular meditation. Sit somewhere comfortable and focus on your breathing.
When thoughts start to intrude, accept them and release them from your mind. Visualize
yourself as an object of loving kindness. Don't start thinking about all your flaws and don't
start thinking about all your strengths either. Simply see yourself as worthy of love.
 Once you've got the loving kindness to yourself down, start practicing it for 4 different types
of people: someone you respect, like a teacher; a dearly beloved person, like a family
member or friend; a neutral person, someone at a store, someone you saw outside that day;
and a hostile person, someone with whom you are in conflict.
 To keep you on track it can be helpful to repeat a mantra to yourself, like "loving-kindness"
to remind you when you get off track and to help keep you focused on holding the feelings of
loving kindness, even towards the hostile person.

Warnings
1. Don't be discouraged if you don't do it right the first few times. Like anything else,
showing empathy effectively takes repetition to become a habit.
2. Do not tell the person what he or she should have done or should do. Often, he or she
already knows this.
3. Avoid "why" questions when trying to understand another person. Sometimes, this comes
across as accusatory.
4. Make sure you show empathy genuinely. The other person can see through insincerity
and your relationship, thereafter, would come to an end.
IV. Listening
Do you want to master the art of listening? If you tend to zone out when someone's talking, or
you notice that people don't often choose you as a confidant, it's time to start practicing this skill.
Taking an active, engaged approach to listening will improve your relationships and enrich your
experience of the world. If you want to learn how to listen with undivided attention and respond
in a way that keeps people talking, keep reading.

Giving Undivided Attention

1 Remove distractions. The first thing you should do when someone starts talking is to put
away anything that might distract you from his or her words. Turn off the television, close your
laptop and put down anything else you are reading or doing. It's very difficult to hear and
understand what someone is saying when you are surrounded by other sounds or activities vying
for your attention.
 Whether the conversation you are having is over the phone or in person, it can help to
move to a room that is free from distractions. Go to a place where you won't be
interrupted by other people.
 Many people find it easier to have deep conversations outdoors, where there are fewer
distracting screens and gadgets. Try going for a walk in the park or in your neighborhood.

2 Stay focused. When the other person speaks, focus on what they are saying. Don't let your
mind jump ahead to what you think you should say in reply. Watch the person's face, eyes and
body.What is the other person really trying to say?
 Part of staying focused and really listening involves interpreting a person's silences and
noticing his or her body language, too. These nonverbal ways of communicating are just
as important as words.
3 Be unselfconscious. Many find it hard to concentrate during conversations because they feel
self-conscious about how they appear to the other person. It may help to know that if someone is
speaking their mind to you, it isn't likely that they're judging you at the same time. The speaker is
grateful that you're lending a listening ear. Part of being a good listener is having the ability to
stop thinking about yourself during the conversation. If you're busy thinking about your own
insecurities or needs, you aren't paying attention to what the other person is saying.

4 Be empathetic. Another key to listening is being able to put yourself in the other person's
shoes. If someone is confiding in you about his or her troubles, step outside yourself and imagine
what it's like to be him or her. True communication happens when people understand each other.
Find common ground with the person who is speaking and do your best to see things from his or
her point of view.

5 Become a better hearer. You're probably heard it said that there's a difference between
hearing and listening. Hearing is a the physical act of sensing sounds, while listening is the
ability to interpret those sounds as a way to understand the world and other people. The nuances
in what you hear should inform the conclusions you make as a listener. For example, a person's
tone of voice can indicate whether he or she is joyful, depressed, angry or scared. Ultimately,
honing your sense of hearing will make you a better listener.
 Work on your sense of hearing by paying more attention to sounds. When was the last
time you closed your eyes and let your sense of hearing take the wheel? Stop once in a
while and just listen to your surroundings so you can better appreciate the knowledge that
can be gained by hearing.
 Listen to music more carefully. We are so used to having music in the background now
that we don't often make it the sole focus. Close your eyes and really listen to an entire
song or album. Try to pick out individual sounds. If many elements are present, such as
in symphonic music, try listening to a single instrument as it travels through the flow of
the entire orchestra.

Having Open Body Language

1 Lean forward a little. This simple body language indicates to the person speaking that you are
interested in hearing more.[1] Your body should be facing the person who is talking, and your
torso should be at a slight forward angle. The lean doesn't have to be over pronounced to be
effective.

2 Make eye contact, but not too much. Making eye contact during a conversation also indicates
that the person to whom you're listening has your undivided attention. Eye contact is a very
important way to establish open lines of communication. However, you don't want to sustain eye
contact for a prolonged period of time, because that can make the person speaking feel
uncomfortable.
 Research shows that during one-on-one conversations, most people make 7-10 seconds of
eye contact before looking away.

3 Nod in acknowledgement. Nodding your head is another effective way of showing people

you're talking to that you're right there with them. You can nod in agreement or as a way of
nudging the person to say more. Just make sure you nod during appropriate points in the
conversation; if you nod when someone tells you something disagreeable, they may feel you
aren't really listening.
 You can also encourage the person to keep going with short verbal comments, like "yes,"
"I see," or "uh huh.

4 Don't fidget or slouch. Make sure your body language conveys interest, not boredom. If
you're busy picking your nails, tapping your feet, crossing your arms or leaning your head on
your hand, most people will end the conversation quickly so as not to bore you out of your mind.
Sit up straight to show that you're engaged in the conversation.
 If you are disabled and need to fidget in order to listen, find discreet ways to do so, such
as wiggling a foot or squeezing a stress ball with your hand resting on the table. If it's not
 right in front of their face, they probably won't mind. If your conversation partner
mentions it, explain that this helps you listen, and ask them to continue.

5 Use appropriate facial expressions. Remember that listening is active, not passive. It's
important to react to people's words - otherwise, they may as well be writing in their journals.
Show you're interested by smiling, laughing, frowning, shaking your head, and making other
expressions and gestures that are right for the moment.

Responding without Judgment

1 Don't interrupt. It's rude to interrupt someone while they're talking, because it shows that
you aren't really listening - you're too eager to make sure your own two cents are heard. If
you tend to jump in with your opinion before the other person has finished speaking, make a
point of quitting your habit of interrupting. Wait until a person has finished his or her thought
before you speak.
 If you do interrupt (everyone does it from time to time), it's a good idea to apologize and
ask the person to please continue what he or she was saying.

2 Ask questions. Keep other people talking by asking questions that indicate you've been
listening and would like to know more. You can ask a simple leading question, like "What
happened next?" Or something specific to the topic at hand. Chiming in with phrases like "I
agree!" and "Me, too" can also help to move the conversation along.
 You can repeat what someone is telling you as a way to clarify his or her point.
 It's up to you to decide how personal your questions should be. If your questions are
interpreted as crossing a line, the conversation will quickly shut down.

3 Don't be critical. Be open to understanding the other person's point of view, even if you're
discussing a subject upon which you disagree. Criticizing the person for saying something you
found inadequate or silly is a sure way to keep the person from confiding in you again. A good
listener stays as nonjudgmental as possible. If you have a counterargument, wait until the person
is finished making his or her point before stating it.

4 Have an honest response. When it's your turn to speak, respond honestly and openly - but
always politely. Offer advice if the person requested it. If you want the relationship to grow, and
you trust the person to whom you're talking, be willing to share your own opinions and feelings
in return. Contributing something of your own to the conversation brings the act of listening full
circle.