TH E

C OM lC A NNUA L ,

T H O M A S H O O D , E SQ .

L O N DON
A . H . BA ILY A ND C O .
,
CORNH I

m ncocx ifivn .

QD
 PR E FA C E .

C ovn rx ov s
'
a nd Gentle Rea der l— for the eighth tim e
'

eeti — for a s th e s hort - fi ngered little progeny

g r ng

ex cla im s a t her gra nd pia no, Tha nk Goodness I ha ve

”
rea c eh d an Octa ve a t la s t ! Th e Com ic ha s lived to

see a secon d Oly m pia d ; a n d a s no Com petitor a ppea rs

in the A ren a , it m a y m o es tly a ssum e tha t it is crowned
d
w ith success .

A nd now for a few words under the rose : if, indeed, it

be not too la te for even the L a s Rose of Sum m er I

t . am

a fra id, if you ha ve rea d m y A n nouncem en t, tha t the

p resen t Volum e will seem n ot to quite squa re with tha t

Circula r: you will ex pect a little m ore politica l pepper

a nd s pice tha n willbe foun d in the sea soning . The truth

is , I a m a ll a broa d , not fi gura tively but ge ogra phica lly

in a rem ote la n d
, where before The Tim es a rrives, it is
b
vi n a m es .

“
like the good old tim
”
ther out of
es, ra da te ; a nd co n

s e uentl
q yI t m ne ws, a s som e pers ons receive their
ge y

g a m e , too fa r gone to be of use . This d

a cci ent of dis

ta n ce esca ped m y m em ory whils t penning the prom ises

conta ine d in Pros pectus I forgot the difi cnlty of
‘

m y .

es tim a ting t he prospects of E ngla n d , a nd fi ving m y

o wn vie ws of them , when Engla n d itself wa s out of

sight. M oreover, not ha ving Elia Ess a y

’
recen tly rea d s

on Dista nt C orres pondents I overlooked , the possi bility

of the true becom ing fa lse , a nd the fa lse true, -
of

“
the d
un one be ing do n e; a nd the done un one, —in
d
the interva l between m y s pecula tions a nd their pub

lica tion . Thus ,

whils t I wa s sitting, un sha ve d ,
in m y

old clothes , a rguing on pa per for H ebrew E m a ncipa tion

— the a ct wa s , perha ps ,
a ctua lly p a ssed ; a nd the Jews
enga ge d in an a pp ro pria te Je wbilee . A t the ver y tim e
I wa s con tendin g, with a ll the s tiffnes s of a steel pe n,

for the righ ts of Dissenters to m a rr y a ccording t o their

own form s — the Disse nters — m a rr y com e up m igh t

be st a nding in a n a lta r
’
d pos ition , a nd in possession of
 PR E F A C E .

a ll their rites . I m ight ha ve been getting up a n urge nt

m il for the Re pea l of the Corn La ws — when the Corn
la ws ha d been re ula rly
g outla we d , a t the poetica l

pe tition of Eben ezer E lliott a nd C a rney W ehbe . At

the sa m e hour, w hils t I wa s writing in depreca tion

of Sa bba th Bills ,a nd Pa rlia m enta ry Piety —
-
Sir A ndrew

ha d, percha nce , em bra ced Juda is m , a nd e x cha n ge d

Sun da y for Sa turd a y . M y Strictures p b
re ro a tin g Bull
ha iting in E x eter Ha ll , m igh t ha ve been p
a ntici a te d by
the nuisa nce a ba ting its elf into a dis pla y of Ca lves . A

Series of Nine Ta les , with C uts , illus tra tive of the cruelty

of M ilita ry Flogging m ight ha ve becom e superfluous by

L a w ha ving tied up the Drum m ers or the A rm y its elf
ha ving reverse d the pra ctice by cutting the ca t . I

m ight ha ve been insis ting on a fa irer m o e of

d Regis

tra tion — when the whole s ys te m ha d been Rum fordized

a nd the Books d
or ere d to be kep t on the principle of
schem e for the settle m en t of
’
Cobbett s Regis ter . A

the A gita te d I i
rs h C hurch — m ight ,
ha ve foun d the

A gita ted Irish C hurch turne d into an Englis h Cha pel

b 2
 P R E F A CE .

of E a se . A proj ect for the gra dua l E x tin ction of

Tithes m ight ha ve been ren ere d d —

useless by the clergy

throwing up Tithes , a nd a da pting the Volunta ry

Principle as a Volunta ry for the Church Orga n . A

Frien dly W a rning to C onserva tives a nd Des tructives

on the Da nger of Division with a n offer of M edia tion

m ight ha ve a ddressed itself to Pa rties a lrea dy boun d

by a n a llia n ce offensive a n d defensive ; ha nd a nd lov
g e

with ea ch other, a nd foot a nd shoe to every body else .

I m ight ha ve put forth a La m ent for the defun ct Close

Corpora tions , when the Corpora tions ha d j um ped into
t heir skins a ga in a n d were s tufling out their old Bodies .

The A bolition of Sinecures E nforced— m ight ha ve

foun d the Gentlem en-

with -
nothin
g
-
to -
do, pla ced on a

d
re uce d Sca le of Duties . My Ca ll for a Cha nge in

Curren cy m ight ha ve proved quite un ca lled for— the

Circula ting M edium being a llowed to get cha n

ge ( fa r

things ex cep te d ) wh enever q

re uire d . The Policy of
Free Tra de A sserted a nd A ssured m ight ha ve been
p
a n tici a te , d by Tra de ha ving been presented with
 PR E F A C E . ix

th e Freedom of th e World in a pillbox . A M odest Plea

fo r the better Protection of Copyright m ight ha ve been
fores ta lled by the a ppointm ent of Ca p ta ins Gla s cock ,

M a rrya tt, a nd Cha m ier a s litera ry cruisers to ca rry new

,

Pira cy La ws into effect . A W ork on the Working of

t he Ne w Poor La ws m ight ha ve turned out a work

of su pereroga tion— there being no Poor for La w s

t o work u on, the p Phila n thrOpic Pa rty ha ving tra ns

form e d a ll the pa upers , a t their own errpens e, in to Poor

G entlem en . A n d, fi na lly, how foolis h I shoul d ha ve
”
looked with m y R em a rks on the Fra nchise, or th e

Com pla int of a Ten Poun

d Voter , a l
shil ing short

-
if in the m ea ntim e voters were a dm itted by a voir

dupois , a s a tes t of their w eigh t in the C ountry

Thus you see, dea r Courteous Rea der , how m uch ex

ca llen t Politics I m igh t ha ve thrown a wa y u on s ha

p
‘

dows : to nothing of the disa gree a ble da nger of

’

sa y

writin g for the Pa rty which wa s out, inste a d of th e

Pa rty tha t wa s in . For if Knowledge be Power , then

Power should be Knowledge ; a nd they ough t a lwa y s

to he found on the sa m e si e d . I ha ve therefore re

 PB E F A C E .

lucta ntly circum scri e bd the s phere of m y uti t con

tenting m yself with furnishing a Report on A gricul

tura l Dis tress , which, like the p

re ort of a un
g , will

serve to sta rtle the deep silen ce tha t ha s brooded over

the Pa rlia m enta ry E nquiry on the sa m e su bj ect .

The Ode to Dr . Ha hnem a nn is recom m en e dd , with

infi nites im a l res pect , to the consi era tiond of those

M em bers of th e Fa culty who, a da pting the doctrine of

m inute doses prescribe
, for their pa tien ts on Tem per
a nce Principles ; an d ha ve es ta blished their Dis ensa r p y
in Pum p Court . I ha ve onl y furth er to decla re , t ha t

t he A necdote of Sim on Pa a p is true a nd tha t the

incidents of the Fa ta l Ba th s ta n d equa lly on the soli d

leg s of fa ct .

A nd now, Courteous Rea der, fa rewell— for a nother

t we lvem onth, fa re well ! Whether you will ever y ea r

from m e a g a in is a periodica l problem only to be solved

by Tim e. Percha n ce , y ou would not a lrea d y ha ve seen
so m a n y of thes e m y A nnua ls , but for a severe visita tion

I suffer un er, d a nd which n o thing but the Com ic ca n

relieve . You will re m em —
ber for who ha s not rea d
x ii su e s
p ur .

Perha ps he is '

a resurrection of Hera clitus . He neve r

writes down the wor d la ugh ter “

without idiotic for a

prefi x ; sm iles a re a pish grim m es , a n d he serious ly

a ss ures m e, wha t I a s serious ly believe , tha t he is insen

”
si ble to j ests , a detes ter of clen ches ,
a n d one who could

never see the fun in w ha t is ca lled fun M iserrim us

shou ld be his m otto . He da te s from Slough — but it

m us t be the Slough of Des pon d : his ver y sea ls s ee m

to bea r the im pression of dum ps . M a n is m a de

to m ourn is his fa vourite quota tion ; but he culls

funerea l flowers besides from Young s Night Though ts ’

,

Bla ir s Gra ve, a nd H ervey s M e dita tion s a m ong the

’ ’

Tom bs . H is le tters a ccor dingly a re m e re Dirges in

Pros e des cribes long wet wa lk thro

’
. He life as a a

va le of tea rs by la nd — a nd a Wa iling voya ge by

wa ter . Now, lik e M ilton, a nd a ll other m en, 1 ha ve ,

when un well, m y fi ts of I II Pense roso but let m e be

ever so hypped a nd low, the recei pt of one of his e pis

tles fi n ds “in m y lo west dep th a lower s till .
”
For a

week a fterw a rds, I am as g ra ve a n d sa turnin e as if I

ha d been vis itin g the Ca ve of TrOphonius ; I drea m

 P R EF A CE .

e ven of m y Gloom y Unknown in the likeness of G ia n t

Du pa it cut in Cy press a nd wa ke though it be a Ma y

m orning , with the yellow fog -

da m ps of Novem ber

ha ng n g S
y pirits I f he would but le t m e a lone !
’ '

o ver m .

bu t tis in the his Sect M ela n choly ha s

’
not na ture o f .

m a rke d him for her own , a nd he w a n ts every body

to be ta rre d with the sa m e stick . I ha ve tried to eva de
his p d
corres on ence : but by m ea n s of feigned ha nds,

cha ng e of sea ls a nd other a rtifi ces, he co n trives to poke

his dis m a ls a t m e, with the som bre pertina city of a

ca rrion cro w boring a dea d horse . The onl y thing

w hich s tOps his croa k is the Com ic . For s om e three

m on ths , fro m its publica tion— a s if he ha d given m e

o ve r a s incorrig ible or incura ble — I am free from the

persecution of his fa vours : but a fte r tha t bright

period ha s ela pse d, he sets in a ga in with his a ccus tom e d
severity : g en era lly with a le tter of d
con ole nce on the

levity of m y s pirits Then he m ounts

. his hobby a ga in !

— he va ults on m y ba ck , a nd for the res t of the yea r

d
ri es m e w oe worth him like a Bla ck Bru nswicker with ,

Dea th s hea d a nd M a rrowbones for his cogniz a n ce .

’
a
x iv PR EF A C E .

Judge the n, C o urteous Rea der, with wha t gla dness of

hea rt I am no w penn ing the la s t sen te nces of a book

which, if it will no t kn ock m y To rm en tor on the hea d

quite so effe ctua lly as Sindba d bra ined his Ba ck

-
fa re

with a g rea t s tone , will a t lea st s tun a nd dum bfound

him for three m oons to com e . M a y it do a s m uch for

o
y ,u dea r Re a der,— though but for a fe w hours ,— if

y ou ha ve Dull Ca re upon y our Shoulders !

lu vs: r A FO R Ga m m on ?
 CONTE NT S .

THE FA T A L B A TH

T HE B L UE RO A R

' '
FRO M AN A BS E NT EE
'
A LE I I ER

L OVE L A NE

D RI N KI N G S O NG

A N I N TER CE PT E D DI S PA T C H

T HE DE SE R T BOR N
-

HI TC H I N HA L L

ODE TO DO C TOR H A H NE M A N N

SKET C HES ON T HE R OA D

THE M OR N I NG CA L L

THE WO N DER F U L DO G

T HE F R ES H H OR S E

T HE DEA D RO B BE R Y
 CO NT E NT S .

S PA NI SH P R I DE
A G R I CU L T UR A L D I S TR B S

AN IR I S H I A N

DO M ES TI C PO E M S
JO H N JO N ES

O DE TO M ESSRS . G R EEN , HOLLO ND , A N D M O NC R M A SO N

 L I ST O F PL A TE S .

D- I G N E R .

”
Fron tispiece . A wa y with M elonch oly T H ood .

m a rria ge
’
A Dissen ter s

Close cor ora p tion s

Wha t will t he piers do nex tP

H e dip
- -
na Tyra n n u s

A ba re possibility

A fi nish ed dra wing

Jewish disa bilities— fi rs t rem ove

B a con is in dem a nd, &c .

They ’
ve t hrown o ut the bill

A nim a l spirits

A nim a ls a fter La n dsee r

A m a gn um bon um

Lo vers Sea t
’

We ha va t
’ ’
m et this a ge
 T H E C O M I C A NNUA L .

TH E FA T A L B A TH .

h is d
s el om tha t m edica l m en a re of a ccor d in their

th eories : the differen ces of doctors ha ve, in deed ,

pa ssed in to a proverb ; but if there be a ny on e point

B
2 ru n F A TA L B A TH .

on which th eir pinions entirely ha m onise, it is

o
g on

the propriety of ba thing with a n em p ty s tom a ch . The

fa m ous Doctor Kra nkengra ber, in his m os t fa m ous

"
book , ca lled Im m ersion dee ply Cons idered , forbids ,

d
un er a ll kinds of cor orea p l pa ins a nd pena lties , the

use of the col d ba th , a fter the m id da y

-
m ea l Ta ke
”
it, he ys em pha tica lly u va lue your life,
sa , as y o

hea lth, a nd conse uent q pea ce , com fort, a nd h a pp iness,

”
by a ll m ea ns before before before dinn er
, , , . I t is a

high a uthority to se t up a g a in s t ; a nd y e t if th e pen

were m
y p rofess iona l im plem ent instea d of the s wor d
— coul d I write trea tises, a s elo uen tly a s the
q le a rn ed

E s cula pia n,— I would cry to the en ds of the ea rth,

ba the , as y ou love yourself, or love a n y one else , - as

y ou love the precious m ea l itself— ba the afl er afte r afl e r , , ,

dinner ! L et the ca ndid rea der decide be tw een us .

I t is now nea rl y twen ty yea rs sin ce I m et the lovely

a nd fa scina tin g Chris tina F no w, a la s ! Chris tina

Von G a t our Ca sin o Ba ll . I ha d on l y the

h a ppiness of d a ncing on e wa ltz with he r— but w ha t a

wa ltz it wa s ! It ne ver left of? ! She ha d com pletely

turned m h ea d— not one turn from righ t to left, or
y
but she ha d it p inning for ever ! Like
'

se s et s
 TH E F A TA L B A TH .

the h a rm on ious everla s ting re volut ion s of the pla nets ,

wa s th a t da n ce with its m u s ic in m v m em ory . A ll

the res t of the night, or a t lea s t the fe w hours of

m orn ing slu m ber a llow e d m e by m y m ilita ry duties ,

tha t in efi a ble w hirl, with the sa m e bright a ngel for m y

pa rtner , we nt on in a drea m
E very o ne who h a ppen ed, like m yself , to be a broa d

in Coble n tz , on th e fi rs t of M a y, 1835, m us t re collect

the re m a rka ble whirlwin d of tha t da te , a nd its m em o

ra ble effects. I sa w it com e down t he M oselle.

twirlin g roun d a j a ck da w or t wo, som e hides of

lea ther, line n, a nd o th er a rticles , ca ugh t up in its

vort e x ; a nd the n, p a ssing o ver th e Rhin e towa rd s

Tha l Eh renbreits tein

-
, where I w a s then qua rtered , it

disa ppea red in t h e direction of Em s. B u t it left its

m ys te rious in fl uence behin d . A fter g a z ing for a

m om en t a t th e pla ce where it ha d va nished, a ll o f a

su dden , s trikin g up a popula r a ir in a whis tle, a

coun tr m a n y ca ugh t hold of a wom an who ha ppened

to s ta n d n ea r h im , a n d com pelled h er, w ith g entle

violen ce, to re volve with him in the na tion a l da n ce .

The hin t took . A se con d pa ir bega n to turn— a thir d

13 2
 TH E F A TA L B A TE .

the infection sprea d -

ea ch ca ugh t hold of a neigh

hour, m a le o r fem a le — till in th e s a ce of

p a fe w

m inutes , sol diers, ofi cers , civilia ns,

wom en, la dies , m ai d serva nts ba rge m a s ters pea s a nts

-
,
-
, ,

old or y oun g ,were a ll s pinning . T here wa s n ot a n

individua l to be seen, on either ba nk . or on the bridge ,

but wa s enga ge d in the univers a l wa ltz !

A la s ! the lovely Chris tina wa s to m e as tha t

t orn a do ! S he not onl y m a de m e whirl m yself , bu t

every thing els e to whirl roun d m e . My though ts

flowed in circles : I coul d n ever p roj ect them in a

s tra ig ht lin e to a ny given p oint . I wa s a hum an

hum m ing top , a lwa -

ys hum m ing tha t one dea r a ir by
Z irkel tha t I ha d da nced to . My bra in beca m e diz z y
a nd g idd y
— the ea rth reele d benea th m e , the sk y s pun
roun d a bove m e . I n short, I wa s e ddying in en dless
circles in tha t M a els trom of Pa s sion ca lle d Love .

The dis covery of m y s ta te wa s no s ooner m a de tha n

I s trove to collect m y se nses, a nd so erl b y re view t he

pa s t , in or erd to estim a te m
y ch a n ce of event ua l bliss .

lled the a fi a ble

'
I reca sm ile, the fra nk ha nd, th e ten der

g la n ce, of C hris tina ; a nd e s pecia lly her rea dy Ja

 THE F A TA L B A TH .

reg im ent , a pproa ched to em bra ce m e, I seize d him by

the wa is t a nd a ctua ll y turne d him roun d in pres m ce

But it wa s too s weet to la s t . O ne m orn ing th e

telegra ph on E hrenbreits tein, with its a rms a ll a brod ,

bega n to m a ke s ign a ls ; w hich m fond fa n cy m ere ly

y
con verte d into an invita tion to the o ther teleg ra ph on

the top of the P a la ce , to com e a n d wa ltz with it

there wa s , ho wever, a da rker purport in its m otions .

O ur ba tta lion wa s or ere d d to Pos en !

I ha d da nced into delig ht , a nd wa s now doom ed to

m a rch out of it . On d
co ns i era tion, I determ ined to

brea k m y m in d to Christina before I went ; bu t no

opportunity offered , a nd with m y hea rt broken instea d

of m y m in d I
, turned m y ba ck to Coblentz a nd the

trea sure it conta ine d . M y wa ltzing wa s over . O ne

g oo d turn des erves a nother, bu t, in doubt whe ther tha t

g oo d turn would ever com e, I wen t on, without a

’
m ngle s pin j ys
’

, to our ourne end .

I found the Polish city the sa m e tha t I ha d left it ;

but e ver y tra ce of ga iety wa s go ne . I s till went, it is

true, to ba lls where wa ltz es , ga llows , a nd m a zurka s .

 TH E F A TA L B A TH .

w ere da nced ; but I wen t in boots up to m y kn ees . I

ha d ma de a vow never to w a ltz a ga in a nd wa s keeping

it better tha n vo ws a re gene ra ll y obs erved , when an

e vent occurred tha t se t m e spinning a g a in a s fa s t as

ever I t wa s
-
Christ ina hers elf, who entere d the ba ll
room ia the tra in of the Prin cess I coul d
ha ve ea ten m y lon g boots without sa uce ! At a ny ra te

I wished them s uccessivel y on the legs of ever y ugl y

villa in th a t da n ced with her . To go the whole length

of a co nfes sion, I a lm os t w ished her a m ild s pra ined

a nkle hers elf ! I t went a g a ins t m e to look on ; a nd a s

fa s t as th e g i ddy pa ir whirled one wa y, a s s wiftl y in

m ere con tra riness I seem e d p

to s in with a re vers e

m otion . Form e rl
y ! I wa s a ha ppy hum m ing to p ;
-

I wa s no w a whipping top -
, la shed by th e un s a ring p
ha nd of j ea lous y till I reele d a g a in ! Possibly I

shoul d ha ve en ded , lik e ce rta in ro ta r y fi reworks, with

a n ex plos ion ,
-
a t a ll e ven ts I s houl d ha ve flown o ff to

m y qua rters , w hen a few gra cious w ords from the

Princess converte d the ce n trifuga l int o a ce n tri e ta p l

im pulse . I t wa s an invita t ion to a dinner a nd ba ll on

the succee ding Sunda y , a t which m y form er pa rtn er
8 ru n F A TA L Ba rn .

would be present . Chris tina herself d

con escen e d d to

ex press plea sure in the prospect of m ee ting m e there

a nd when I ven ture d to solicit h er prom ise , enga ge d

herself to da nce with m e, a s I fa ncied , with a sligh t

blush . Gra cious hea vens ! how I p

s un — or els e I ha d

becom e ! I whirled
’
cons cious of the ea rth s revolution

hom e without feeling m y long boots , or the legs tha t

were in them ,— I wa s a s pirit — s om ething

, eth erea l

a ze phyr wa ltzing with a ze ph yr , in a g en tle whirl

wind, tha t ca rrie d us up spira lly

, , e
ev n in to the seventh

hea ven ! A g a in Chris tina a nd H a pe were one a n d th e

sa m e person . I wen t to bed, a nd drea m t tha t ha ving

offere d in a wa ltz, a nd been a c ce pted in a w a ltz, we

w a ltz ed off to the a lta r toge ther .

N ever were six such long da ys in vented a s ushered

in the blesse d Sun da y H owever , the y were so tedious

tha t th ey wore them selves out a t la s t ; a n d ex a ctly a s

the clock s truck three ,— lovers a re n e ver la te — I foun d

m yself a t the C ha tea u , or ra the r in its Pa rk , in which,

ha ving com e too ea rly, I preferred to a m us e m yself

till the com pa ny a rrived . I shoul d ha ve been in tim e

if m y horse h a d wa lke d ; but he ha d ga llopped - I

A BA R E POSSIBI L I T Y .
 TH E F A TA L B A TH .

s eem e d destined to prove in m y own person tha t in

m u ch ha s te there is little s p eed .

Th e w ea ther wa s wa rm , a nd I wa s s till wa rm er ;

m fa ce, as I looked a t it in s e clu ded la ke to which

y , a ,

I ha d sa un tered, wa s as hot a nd flushed as if I ha d

j us t w a lt zed with a hea r . I looked a t m y wa tch , a nd

th en at the wa ter, blue a s the sky itself, a nd s tu dded

w ith s n ow -
wh ite lilies ; th e very ree s d bowed ia

vitin gly , a n d s eem e d to whis per, Pra y , w a lk in

I t wa s irres istible . In a trice, I wa s s tri pped , a nd

lux uria ting in the cool elem en t. A fter lingerin g a

little a t th e brim to e nj oy an a ir ba th I , s truck out

d
t owa r s the m i ddle , n ow diving like a wild duck , a nd

p
t hen s ringing like a trout, or sa ilin g a wa y a fter a

p riz e lily .
’
Twa s d elicious —Lovel
y n a m eless Na ia d
— tha n ks for tha t refres h ing em bra ce ! Th a n k s for

the presen t of those white p orcela in lily -

cu s p ! Tha nks
for th e voca l m elody of th y ree ds ! A thous a n d tha nks

for th a t liquid, a zure, hea ven — b , o

u t h — a th ousa n d
thousa n d , billion s , trillion s, qua drillions, quin tillions ,

decillion s of tha nks ba ckwa rds ea

y , hot, ferven t,

ea rnes t, a nd bitter m a lediction s for a ll the res t !

The L eech wa s se nt, but not in m ercy t here

10 run r u n . B A TH .

The fi rs t s tep I m a de ou t of the wa te r dis closed m y

fa te ! Sha rp as is the bite of th e blut egel
-
, on la nd ,

when we a re , perha ps , n ervous l y ex pecting it, I ha d

ne ve r n otice d it in s wim m ing ; pa rtly from a certa in

chill y nu m bness pa rtly , fro m the con s ta nt m uscula r

ex ertion, a n d pa rtly from th e fre uen t q prickin

g of the

broken ree ds . A gla n ce s uflice d. There th e y were , a set

of cu ppers on e a ch ca lf ! A s ye t I could s ca rcely ha ve

los t a thim ble -

full of the vita l fluid ; but I felt as

fa int, as sick, a n d a s rea dy to fa ll full length on th e

g ro un d , as if I ha d los t qua rts of it !

The firs t din n er -

bell sounded . I t wa s no tim e to be

nice, a nd I to re off on e or t wo of the blood suckers by

-

force ; but the fl ow of g ore tha t follo wed proved to m e

tha t I ha d bette r ha ve left them a lo ne . Then I trie d
to s ha ke them off by da n cing , a nd ha d they been ea ch

a ta ra n tula , the y coul d n ot h a ve bitten m e in to m ore

fra n tic es pering . But they held on like sa ilors in a

storm . I looked at m l
y g
e s a n d ra ve d! I th ought of

Chris tina a nd g roa ne d! I n the folly of desp era tion I

g na s he d m y tee th a t the leeches, a nd shook m y fi s t at

them , a nd then, trying m y very useles s powers of per

sua s ion , I a postrophised the m , s uck, s uck, s uck,
ye
12 m s F A TA L B A T H .

persona l in their cha ra cte r but, now, the y pointedly

a ddressed them s elves to m e. Firs t I hea rd the clung

of a on
g g ; then the flouris h of a hun ting horn -
; n ex t

the reca l u on the p bugle ; a nd, fi na lly, a g e nera l a bo ut :

in which m y dis tem pered fa n cy seem e d to dete ct the

clea r s wee t voice of Chris tina a bove a ll the res t ! I

w on der, w ith wa te r so h a n dy, I did not co m m it s ui

ci e. d B ut sort of res igna tion , very difi erent from

'

the m a rble Res igna tion which typifi ed Coun t Pfefi er '

heim lea ning over his depa rte d la dy , ha d ta ken posses

sion of m e. I t wa s grim a nd l om — I ha d resolved
g o y
to try pa tience , a ca tholicon pla s ter , efi ca cious in

ever y possible ca se , with the sole d ra wba ck tha t n obody

ca n g e t it t o stick on . For m y o wn pa rt I soon

, g a ve

up the rem ed y . I ha ppen ed to rem em ber the trouble

I d
en ure d , when I rea lly wa n ted lee ches, to m a k e the m

bite , a nd I coul d em ula te Job no lon ger . I wis hed

is such ecs ta s ies we do n ot look before we lea p in wish

ing, — tha t I ha d been a ffected with Hydrophobia , ere

tha t fa ta l ba th— tha t I ha d been turned into a s erpen t

a t Schla ngenba d , or boiled to ra gs in the Kochbrunnen

 TH E F A TA L B A TH

r w rs n r C O U L D SEL L o ur

A t la s t the cla ng our cea se d; but in lieu of it , I

hea rd the s erva n ts run n ing a bout bea ting th e woo d for

m e , a n d ca llin g m e by na m e . I f I ha d been wise I

s h o uld h a ve a ns w ere d — but I wa s no w w ork ed up to

th e fren z y fi t o f n ervous n es s ; I felt m y s itu a tion ,

e x ce pt in m y ow n e y e s , s uffi cien tly ludicrou s — a nd I

drea de d les t s om e m is chievous w a g , or, p erha ps , riva l,

s ho ul d deligh t to ex hibit m e in a ridiculous light to

C hris tin a . I n tru th , I s h oul d h a ve been , if dis

co vere d , a la ugh a ble fi gure e nough. To s a ve tim e

It ra n F A TA L nA rn .
'

e ven tua lly, I ha d dress ed m yself s o fa r as I coul d

conceive , then, a g en tlem a n , in full uniform a bove ,

e ven to his cocke d ha t, but belo w perfectly ba re

,

legg ed, with three leeches ha nging to on e lim b , a nd

four to the o th er ! I s houl d think n o crim ina l e ver

felt m ore a n x ious of con cea lm en t tha n I did as I too k

refu e a m on s t the ta lles t ree s d !

g g
To p a ss th e tim e, I ha d no be tter a m us em ent th a n

t o wa t ch the leeches , how the y s welle d a nd filled, a n d,

fi na lly, rolle d off ; g g

or e d with m y precious blood , a

pa ilful of which I w ould ra ther ha ve sh e d for m y

coun try a t a ny con ven ien t tim e a nd pla ce ! A nd

Christina — wha t coul d sh e thin k of m y a bse nce ?

Why , s h e cou ld onl y look p
u on m e , a s I looked on

m y leeches , with a vers ion a nd disg us t , whils t h er

in fern a l ne igh our, b th e Colonel , in the s plen did

un iform of the R o a l G ua ry d , for s uch I pa in ted him ,

beca m e every m om en t m ore a g reea ble . Of the n ex t

fi ve m inutes I ha ve n o m enta l re co rd m y im pression

is , tha t I wa s s ta rk, s ta ring , ra ving , ra m p a nt , m ad !

A t leng th the la s t of m fell ofi , — a n d

'

y torm e n tors

w h en be tou ch ed th e groun d, as I ha d serve d a ll his

 Ta n F A TA L B A TH . 15

fe llows , I wea ned him w ith a s to ne from ever suck ing

a g a in . I t wa s a poor reven
g e, for, a fter dea th , the y

be quea th ed to m e a n ew m ise ry . The bloo d would not

cea s e fl owin g , even though I plucke d a ll the na
p off

o n e s i e of m d y h a t to a pply to the w oun ds . I forgot

h ow it w ould look a fterw a rds s tri pped of its felt . I

w a s fa m ished bes ides — but m y cruelles t hunger wa s in

m y h ea rt . Oh ! Chris tin a — It s eem e d an a ge , e re a t

la st I da red to cree p in
g g erly in to m y w hite Kersey
m eres ! M y wa tch m a rk e d it to ha ve been bu t three

h ours !

I return e d to the Cha tea u a t th e pa ce of a hea rse ;

fea ring to put on e foo t before t he o ther, a n d looking

s ha r ply every o th er s te p a t m y legs . A s for the

a n tici a te p d celes tia l wa ltz — I see m e d doom ed to m a k e

o ne of tha t drea ry cor s p of lo ng -

vis a g e d g e n tle m en

w ho prefer to look on . I a rrive d, however, s ta inless,

potles s —on l I wa s o bliged to keep on e s i e of m d

s , y y
ha t to m yself . An a ttem pt wa s m a de to ra lly m e on

m y a bs en ce but m y e x cus e of ha ving los t m ys elf in

pa ssed “
ofl very curren tl y; a nd a tra y wa s
th e fores t

ordere d for m y refreshm ent. B ut I w a s un a ble to ea t

16 TH E F A TA L B A TH .

a m orsel I coul d only fi ll a g la s s of wine to pledg e

Chris tina , who ha d n ot sho wn a n y sign of resen tm en t ;

on the con tra r , she a

y ppea red to co m m isera te m y wa n
dering s in the wild woods . I n the m ea n tim e th e ba ll
bega n . A s I en tere d the room ,
in a bla z e of ligh t, I

fa n cie d th a t ever y e ye wa s directed towa rds m y legs

m y h ea d s wa m , a nd for a m in ute I see m e d wa ltzin g

with the whole a ss em bly a t o n ce ! Christina looked

t wice re proa chfully to wa rds m e, ere w ith the a ir of a

m a trim onia l m a rtyr s a lutin g his des tined bride I , wen t

up a n d cla im e d her ha n d . The m us ic s truck u p we

beg a n to wa ltz , a t lea s t she did, t urning m e roun d with

her, as though she ha d been pra ctis ing the da nce for

the fi rs t tim e with a la y fi g ure

-
. Stiflly a n d col dly a s
I m ove d , m e thought I felt the circula tion in ever y vein
a n d a rter y becom in g
,
m ore a n d m ore ra pid from e ven

s uch en tl i e A t la s t the whirl cea sed, a nd we

g e ex erc s .

s a te down a g a in s i e d by side . H ow I wis he d for the

despise d long boots up to th e kn ee s, in which I m igh t

ha ve cha tte d a t m y ea s e ! I t w a s im poss ible . I n eve r

p
o en e d m y lip s e x ce t p to sa
y y e s a n d n o, in the wrong

pla ce ; so m e tim e s where I s hould ha ve a ns wered I wa s

18 Te e F A TA L B A TB .

ing , a ccording t o h is de testa ble rule . Oh th a t he

coul d ha ve felt m y burn ing tem ples , m y thro bbing

pulse , m y p a lpita ting hea rt ! H a d tha t floor before
m e been a pond I ,
veril y believe I shoul d ha ve pra c

t ica lly illus tra te d his I m m ersion deeply C ons idere d

w ith m y pockets full of stones . I once or t wice en dea
voure d to ca tch the eye of Chris tina , but in va in . I

a ddressed her, a n d s he looked a s col dly on m e a s one

”
of our ka chel ofens
-
on a born E nglis hm an !

I w ould fa in ha ve sought a n ex pla na tion ; but this

ha ugh ty trea tm ent sea le d m y lip s . I no longer a ttri

bute d her es tra ngem ent to a n y other ca use tha n the

im puted fi ckleness of the sex . M uttering som e thing

to the Princess a bout in disposition I left her ba ll , with

ou t blessing it , a nd flew hom e . Three da ys la ter I

wa s a g a in a t her Cha tea u determ ined
. to decide m y
fa te . Christina ha d quitted Posen ! I n two sho rt

m on ths a fterwa r s th e d Berlin Ga z ette inform ed me

tha t s he wa s m a rried to a Colonel of the Ro ya l G ua rd .

I never beheld her a ga in : but a she cous in of m in e,

A Ge rm a n s tove , ea se d with white tiles .

 TH E F A TA L B A TH .

who wa s her bosom frien d a n d co nfi da nt ,

in a fter y ea rs,

thought prop er , a m on gs t oth er m a tt ers of fe m inin e

curios it y to in q ire on wha t g rounds h er unfortu na te

,
u
kinsm an ha d been re pelled . The a n s w er s h e did m e

the fa vour to ex tra ct, a nd kindly s en t it t o m e, by wa y

of a correction , a n d a ui e d proba bly s houl dI e ver

g , ,

drea m of a ddress ing a la d y a ga in . Th e rea d er is

w elcom e to pa rta ke of the docum en t : it ru n s thus :

You a s k m e, dea res t Be ttine , why I did no t like

y o ur cous in A lbrech t ? Under the se a l of our s is terly

c on fi den ce , I w ill fra nkly con fe ss to y ou, tha t it wa s

th rough no fa ult of m in e . I w ill e ven ow n t o s o m e

t h ing like a preferen ce , up to tha t m em ora ble e venin g

t th e Princes s L I ha d th ere determ in ed to w a tch

’
a . a .

h im n a rrowly, b
to o s erve ever y ligh t a n d s ha de of his

ch a ra ct er— a n d u kn ow the res ult D id you e ve r

yo .

hea r o f th e young Coun t Schiinborn '

a n d th e eg regious

p erso na l va nity which brough t him to his fa te ? Sus

pecte d of corres on en ce p d with th e revolte d Pole s ,

he

dis a ppea red ,

a n d a ccor ding to the cus tom with deserters ,

a vilel y da ubed effi

g y ,
with his na m e a t full leng th

un der it , wa s sus pen ded o n the public ga llo w s . He

c 2
 20 TH E F A TA L B A TB .

wa s s till s k ulking in disg uise a t Berlin , a nd m ight

doubtless ha ve eflected his pe— but shocke d t the

‘

es ca a

libellous picture t ha t profess ed to re present him , he

wa s a ctua lly a rres te d on e m orn ing , a t the fi rs t da wn of

lig ht, brush a nd pa le tte in ha nd pa inting , up th e o dious
portra it to s om ething m ore res em bling t he persona l
a ttra ction s of th e orig in a l ! A nd n ow for our Al rech t b .

Con ceive him s ittin

g la ng uis h in l
g y
— a Na rciss us with

out his pond — i seeing n othing, a dm iring n o thing , but

h is o wn certa in l y w ell turn ed

-
legs Fa n cy him

s tre tchin
g th e m , cro s s ing them , og ling the m in a ll

poss ible a d
ttitu es, ta king ba ck a nd fron t views o f

them , a nd a lo ng the ou ter or inn er d

s i e. I m a gin e
him co q ue tting with the m , ca rele s sl y dropping a ha n d

ke rchief over them , as if to veil their bea uties ; s li ding

his e na m oure d h a nd down them by tum s, — a nd then ,

w ith g rea t relucta n ce brought to da n ce on the m , if

da ncing it m igh t be ca lled, so la nguidly , as if he fea re d

to w ea r o ut th e dea r delica te lim bs by the e x e rtion .

Suppos e him a fterwa rds, rela psing into his form er s elf

con te m pla tion , s o e x clusivel y , as to n eglect the co m

m on politeness of a n a n sw er e ven to a question from a

 TH E F A TA L B A TB . 2l

la d y a n d a
— la dy to whom h e profess ed to show pa rti
cula r a ttention . A nd n ow , dea res t a nd best Bet tine ,

y o u ha ve m
y secre t . I t is ver y w ell t o m a rry a m a n

w ith ha n ds om e legs , but on e would n ot choos e to ha ve

t he m a lw a y s run n ing in his hea d .

PA s
’
e P H IL OSO P H Y .
 T HE BLU E B OA R .

’
Trs kn own to
’
m a n, tis known to wom a n ,
’
Tis know n to a ll the w orld in co m m on,

H ow politics a nd p a rty s trife

V ex public , e ven priva te , life ;

B ut, till som e da y s a g o, a t lea s t

They ne ver w orrie d bruta l bea s t .

I wish you could ha ve s een the crea ture ,

A ta m e dom es tic boa r by na ture,

G one w ild as boa r tha t e ver grun ted ,

By Ba ron H ogge rha useu hunted .

H is ba ck w a s up, a n d on its ledge

The bris tles ros e like quickse t hedge ;

H is eye wa s fi erce a n d red a s coa l,

Like furna ce , shining through a hole,

A nd res tles s tum

’
d for m ischief seeking ;
H is very hide with ra ge wa s reekin g ;
 TH E B L U E B OA R

A nd oft he gn a sh d his crook e tusks ,

’
‘

d
Chewing his tongue ins tea d of husk s ,

Till a ll his j a w wa s white a nd yea s ty ,

Showing him sa va ge, fi erce, a nd res t y .

A n d wh a t ha d d this ight y p 9
’
ca us m va our

A dirt y fra gm en t of a pa per,

Tha t in his ra m bles he ha d found,

Lying n egle cte d on the groun d ;

A relic of the M orning Pos t ,

Tw o ta ttered colum n s a t the m os t,

But which our irrita te d swine

( Deriv d from Lea rned Toby s line )

’

Diges ted ea s y a s his m ea ls,

Like a ny quidnunc Cit at Peel s ’

.

He rea d , a n d m use d , a nd pored a nd rea d ,

H is shoulders shrugged, a nd s hook his hea d

Now at a line he ga ve a g run t,

Now at a phra s e took sudden s tunt ,

A nd snorting turu
’
d his ba ck upon it ,

B ut a lwa ys ca m e a g a in to con it ;

I n short he petted up his pa ssion,

A fte r a ve r y hum a n fa shion,
24 TH E B L U E . B OA R

When Tem per s ’

worried w ith a bone
She ll n either like
’
nor le t a lon e .

A t la st his fury rea ch d the pitch

’

Of tha t m ost irrita ting itch,

When m in d a nd will , in fever d fa ction ,

’

Prom pt blood a nd body in to a ction ;

No m a tter wha t, so bone a nd m uscle
Ma y ven t the fren z y in a bus tle ;
B ut whether by fi ght da nce
‘

a or

I s left to im puls e a nd to cha n ce .

So s tood the Boa r , in furious m oo d

M a de up for a n y thing but good ;

H e ga ve his ta il a g
ti hter twis t,

As m en in a nger clen ch the fi s t,

A n d threw fresh p
s a rkles in his eye

From the volca no in his fry

R ea dy to m e the pa rish poun d ,

To pull the pigsty to the groun d,

To la y Squire Giles, his

’
m a ster, le vel,

R e a dy , indeed, to pla y the devil .

So , stirre d by ra ving dem a gogues ,

ve s een m en rus h, like bid dogs

’
I ra ,
26 TH E B L UE R OA R ?

Tha t ca m e a cross him Whig or Tory ,

I t w ould ha ve been a tra g ic s tory

But fortun e in terposing n ow,

Brought Bessy in to p —
la y a Sow ;

A fa t, slee k, philosophic bea s t , ,

Th a t n ever fret ted in the lea s t,

Whether her gra ins w ere sour or s weet ,

For gra ins a re g ra in s ,

a n d she coul d ea t .

’
A bsorb d in tw o grea t s che m es ca p a cious ,

The fa rrow, a n d the fa rin a ceous,

If ca res she h a d, they coul d n ot s ta y ,

She dra nk a nd w a s h d them a ll a

’
, wa y .

I n fa ct this philosophic sow

Wa s ver y like a G erm an fro w ;

In brief— as wit s hould be a nd fun ,

If so ws turn Qua kers ,

she wa s on e ;

Cla d from the duckpond , thick a n d sla b ,

In bra n n ew- m u ddy suit of dra b .

To s till the s torm of s uch a lubber,

She ca m e like oil— at lea s t like blubber

H er pig ta il of a s pa ssive sha pe
As d
’
droop d d
’ ’
ever o er po w er n a pe
 TH E B L U E B OA B . 27

— he r deep
H er s nout, sca rce turnin g up

Sm a ll ey es ha lf s ettle d into sleep

H er a m ple ea rs , depen den t , m eek ,

Like fi g -
lea ves sha ding eith er cheek ;

Whilst , from the corner of her j a w,

A s p rout of ca bba ge , g ree n a n d ra w,

Protruded — , a s the Dove , s o s ta n c h

For Pea ce , su pports a n olive -

bra nch ,

H er very grun t, so low a nd m ild,

Like th e soft s norin g of a chil d ,

I n quiring into his disquiets ,

Serv d lik e the Riot A ct,

’
a t riots,

H e la id his res tive bristles fla tter,

A n d took to a rg ue f y the m a tter .

Bess O Bess hea vy !

’
0 , , he re s ne ws

They
’
m ea n to m a n ci a te the p Jews !
Jus t as the y turu
’
d the bla cks to w hites,

They w a nt to g ive the m q

e ua l righ ts ,

A n d, in the twinklin g of a s tee ple ,

M a ke Hebre ws quite like ot her peo ple .

H ere , rea d— but I for g e t y our fe tt ers ,

’
You ve s tudied litters m ore tha n letters .
28 TH E B L U E B OA B .

Well quoth , the Sow, a nd n o g rea t m iss ,

I
’
m sure m i
y gn ora n ce is bliss ;
Conten tedly I bite a n d su
p,
A nd n ever let m fl fla re up ;
y a re -

I Vhils t you ge t wild a nd fum ing hot

W ha t m a tters Jews be Je ws or n ot ?
Wh ether the y go with bea rds like M oses ,

O r ba rbe rs ta ke th em by the n oses ,

Whether they live perm itted d wellers , ,

In C hea p side s hops , or Ra g Fa ir cella rs ,

O r clim b their w a y to civic pe rches ,

or churches ?
”
Or g o to s yn a gogues

Churches — a
y there th e ques tion gra pples
No , Bes s th e Jews will g o to Cha ppell s ! ’

To cha pel— well— wha t s tha t to you

’

A Berkshire Boa r , a nd n ot a Je w ?

We pigs — ,
rem em be r the re m a rk

Of our old d rover Sa m uel Sla rk ,

W hen trying , but he tried in va in ,

To coa x m e in to S erm on L a ne,

Or Pa tern os ter s pious Row

’

B ut s till I s too d a nd grunted No !

 TH E B L U E B OA B .

Of La ne of Creed a n e ua q l s ce rner,

Till bolting off; a t A m en C orner ,

He crie d k
’

, pro vo d a tm y e va s ion,

Pigs blo w
'
,
’
em
’
a r n t o f no pers ua sion ! ’

The m ore s the

’
pity Bes s — the m ore
, ,

Sa id, with sa r on ic d grin , t he Boa r ;

I f Pigs were M e thodis ts a nd Bun ya ns,

They d ’
m a ke a s in of s a g e a n d onions ;

The curs e of en dless fla m es e n dorse

On e ver y boa t of a pple -
s a u ce ;

Give brine to Sa ta n , a n d a ss ess

B la ckpuddings w ith bloodguiltines s ;

Yea , ca ll dow n hea venly fi re a n d sm oke

To burn a ll E ppin g into co ke !

A y, crie d the Sow, ex trem elv pla cid ,

In utter ce n tra s t t o his a ci d,

A y, tha t would be a Sect indeed !

A nd e ver y s win e would like the cree d ,

The sa usa e- m a king cu rse a n d a ll

g
A n d should so m e broth er ha ve a ca ll,

To thum p a cu shion to th a t m ea sure,

I would sit un er d him with plea sure ;

30 TH E B L U E B OA B .

Na y, put down ha lf m y priva te fortune

Norton
’
T ’
d
en ow a cha pel a t Hog s .

But wha t ha s this to do , m y dea ry ,

With their new H ebre w whigm a leery

Sow tha t you a re ! this Bill , if curren t ,

W ould be as g oo d as our dea th -

wa rra nt

A n d, with its legisla tive fris kings ,

Loose twelve new tri es u on our gris kins

b p !

Unj ew the Je ws, wha t follo ws then ?

Why , the y ll ea t pork like other m en

’

A nd you sha ll see a Ra bbi dish up

A chine a s freely as a Bishop !

Thousa nds of y ea rs ha ve pa ss d ’

, a nd pork
Wa s never s tuck on H ebrew fork
B ut no w, su ppose th a t relis h ra re

Fry, ha rsle t, pettitoes , a n d chin e,

L eg, choppe rs, ba con , ha m , a nd loin,

A nd then, beyond a ll goos e or duckling ”

I Yes, yes — a little tender s uckling !

‘

O r l us t be held the a p tes t sa vour

B ut s tike the ea g e r m ou th to sla ve r !
 TH E B L UE B OA B . 31

M erely t o look on such a g run tling,

A plum p , white , sleek a n d sa pp y runtling ,

It m a kes one — a h ! rem em bra nce bitter !

”
It m a de m e ea t m y ow n dea r litter !

Think, th en , with this wa ken d fury ,

’
n ew

H ow w e should fa re if trie d by Je wry

A pes t upon the m e ddling Whigs
There ll be pretty run
’
a on pigs !
This ve r y m orn a Hebrew brother ,

With three ha ts s tuck on one a n o ther,

A nd his poke
'

o er a rm a ba g , or ,

A thing pigs never fi nd a j oke ,

Stopp d,— rip the fellow h e kn e w

’
thoug h
’
I ve neither coa t to sell n or s hoe ,

A nd cock d his nose — righ t a t m e, love y

’

Jus t like a poin ter a t a co ve y!

To se t our onl y friends a gin us !

Tha t neither ca re to fa t nor thin us !

To boil , to broil , to roa s t, or fry us,

But a ct like rea l Chris tia n s by us

A m urra in on a ll le is la tors
g !

!
’
Thin wa s h, sour g ra in s , a n d rotten ta ters
32 TH E B LUE B OA R .

A bulldog a t their ea rs a nd ta ils !

The curse of em pt y troughs a nd pa ils

Fa m ish their fl a nks a s thin a s w ea sels !

M a y a ll their children ha ve th e m ea s les ;

Or in the s tra w un tim ely s m oth er,

Or m a ke a dinner for the m other !

A ca rtwhi p for a ll la w in ventors !

A nd ru bbing p os ts -
s t uck full of tenters !

Yokes , m s ty rings , a n d ga tes , t o hitch in,

A nd pa rish pounds to pine t he flitch in,

Cold , a nd high w ind s, the Devil se n d

’
em

cker en d
’
A nd then m a y Sa m th e Sti em

’
T wa s s tra n ge to hea r him how he s wore !

A Boa r w ill curs e , th oug h like a boa r ,

While Bes s ,
like Pity , at his side

H er s win e -
su bd uing vo ice su pplied !
She ba de him s uch a ra
g e dis ca rd ;
Tha t a n ge r is a foe to la rd ;

Tis ba d for s uga r to ge t wet,

’

A nd quite as ba d for fa t to fre t ;

a rgue d thus a t la s t
The Bill you fum e at ha s n ot pa sa d
’
,
 33

For w hy, the Com m ons a nd the Pee rs

Ha ve com e together by the ea rs

Or ra ther, as we pigs re ose, p

ta il bes ide the other s nose ,
’
On e s’

A nd thus , of course, ta ke a dverse vie ws

Whe ther of G entiles or of Jews .

W
’
h o knows ? They sa y the Lords ill will
-

H a s thrown out m a n ya wholes om e Bill ,

A nd p rha ps
’
som e Peer to Pigs ro
p p itious

M a y s wa m pa m ea sure so Je w dis h
- -
us

The Boa r wa s ’
conquer d : a t a gla nce,

He sa w there rea ll
y wa s a

Tha t a s the H ebrew nose is hooked ,

The Bill wa s equa lly a s crooke d;

A nd m ight outla st tha n k , pa rty em bers ,

A dozen tri es of
b Chris tia n m em bers ;
So down he settled in the m ud ,

With s m oother ba ck , a nd cooler blood ,

As m ild, as quiet , a Blue Boa r ,

As a ny over ta vern door .

 TH E B L UE BOA B .

M OR A L .

The cha nce is s m a ll th a t a n y m ea s ure

Will give a ll cla sses equa l plea sure ;

Sin ce Tory M inisters or Whigs ,

plea se the Pigs

’

Som etim es ca n t even .

R UNN I N G F OR THE OA KS .
 36 A L nrm Fnou A N A BSENTE E .

a n d neig h ours b onl y beca m e a wa re of it by ca lling

u on p him , a nd fi n ding no one a t hom e but the ba iliff ;
w ho inform ed them tha t Mr . Cha rles De la M otte ha d

g one off he did not know where, nor for how long .
a nd tha t the G ra nge wa s to be let for the sea son .

80 m ys te rious a flight of course g a ve birth to a

g rea t dea l of local spa cnh fi nn a t the tim e ; but, like

other popula r topics, it got m uch the worse for wea r ;

a nd in the course of a few weeks the n a m e of the

fugitive wa s sca rcel y rem em bered . His long a bsen ce

a nd ut ter silence, however, a la rm e d his friends ; a nd

th e nex t of kin to the property wa s becom ing pa r

ticula rly a nx ious a s to the fa te of his rela tive, when

the genera l solicitude w a s pport unely

O re lieved by

p
the recei t of the following letter from the m issing

Tb Willm a n Pla y fa ir, E rq , H a w/t es ter

. .

M v DE A n We rA n,

Tim e, who brings down a ll thing s, ha s I hope

ere this killed your rese ntm ent, or a t lea s t winge d

it, so t ha t it does not ta ke quite so high a flight,

as it did, doubtless , when you discovered tha t I ha d

 A LE TTER F ROM A N A B SE NTEE .
‘

go n e ofl ; lik e the coclm ey s

’
un
g , without a word of

wa rnin
g t o m y best friend . The fi rs t ex plosion m us t

ha v e been a wful ! Your tem per wn a lwa ys ver y like

’
H a ll s quickg ring fi gun ow p
er ; d a nd you took ca re

to keep it dry a nd rea dy for use. Thous a nds of

ilm cd , I ha ve fa ncied the efi ets of the burst ;

‘
m m y

po or cha ra cter quite bla ckened , lying a bout in a hun

without the lea st fea t ure of a n old

fri end or a goo d fellow to be m a de out from them .

T his wa s the only dism em berm ent ( to fla t ter yo u)

w hich g a ve me a ny pa in o r concern Of course . there

w ere plenty of cha rita ble persons rea dy to in ven t crin

fl tha t
'

m ina l rea s ons for m y go ing o ; but I trust e d

e ven their udg m ents j would com e to rig hts w hen the y

found tha t no tra desm a n ha d lost his m oney nor a ny

ge n tlem an his wife . I ha d never been a ba nker nor a

ta x -
ga therer, nor in

I t wa s onl y in the a rticles of frien dship a nd confi

dence tha t I wa s a defa ulter a nd here I m us t cra ve

m pa rdon ; urgin g, however, certa in circum s ta nces

'

yo

in e x tenua tion . My se cre t m a y now be divulged ,

when the event ha s sta m ped the cha ra cter of the

38 A L nrrnn F norr A N A BsB N Te n .

p
en ter ris e . You know how m en becom e tra ito rs , or

b
re els, a ccor ding t o the s uccess of their a ttem pts ; a nd

the design , th e ex ecution of w hich now a ffor s d m e

s uch pride a nd plea s ure , would, ie

untr d, ha ve been
denounced a s a schem e founde d on ex trem e w ea kne s s .

To be s ure it w a s a wea k ness tha t besets very grea t

m e n ,— a m hition : but how the wa lls of your s nuggery
w ould ha ve rung a ga in with la ughte r, ha d I confu s ed

beforeha nd the na ture of m y a spirings tha t m y

p
to m os t a im ,
which w a s directed a ll a cros s the As

la ntic, wa s to — shoot a n elk ! To think of m e , a

y o ung ba chelor not a bsolutely frigh tful, a nd well to

do in the world — who m ight se ttle down whe never

he chose in do m es tic felicity , or look forwa rd to m a ke

a fi g ure in Pa rlia m en t , to think of m y lea ving behin d

a ll the delecta bles of courting , m a rr ying , p
s outing .

a nd fra nking , encoun tering a ll the da ngers a nd dis

a greea bles of the sea , a t the risk besides of being set

down for a d
m ur erer, seducer, s win dler , hea ven knows

wha t, —for the purpose of killing a coa rser kind of

venis on Your rea son would ha ve reco ile d a nd kicked

a t the idea ! A t present we sta n d p

u on other term s .
A NI M A L P
S I R I TS .
 A L E TTE R F R OM AN A s sa s r s s .

I ha ve s hot m y elk ; a nd, should you think lightly

o f s uch a fea t, I ca n retort proudly ,

with m y m uz zle

in the a ir,
“Go a nd do it yourse lf if you ca n ! ”
Ha d

1 fa iled , tw a s a nother thing You ber how

’
. rem em

we ro a s te d poor H a wkins ,
who, led by a n a m bition

w ith w hich I ca n sym pa thise , wh en C ross wa s o bliged

d
to or er m ilita ry ex ecution on Chuny p a id ,
h is two

uinea s for a shot a t the elepha n t, a n d m is s ed ?

g
S hould you s till s neer a t m y ex pedition , a nd de

term ine t o run m e down I ,

’

ca n ta ke s helter like a

hun ted deer , a m ongs t a herd of a uthorities. I m ay

be the gre a tes t of the sort, but not the fi rs t ; Lord

John R ussell, Profes sor lVils on , IVa terton, A udubon

Wa shington Irving Colonel Ha wker , , a nd m a n y o thers ,

a re not a ba d fellowship to fa ll into a n d ea ch ha s, like

m yself,e ndea voure d to s hoot his elk . By this phra se

I do no t litera lly m ea n the killing of a n a nim a l of

the deer kind , som e eigh t or ten feet high, but the

bringin g down of som e ob ect j bigg er tha n ever we

brought down before . This wa s m y m a inspring in

m y ex pedition . Before y ou un de rva lue its s treng th,

pra y j us t rea d a n ex cellen t a rticle , in a by gone

-
num
 40 4 m m "to: A N A lum n a .

ber of Bla ck wood, ca lle d, Chris topher in his Shoot

”
ing Ja cket , a nd then com pa re it with your ow n

ex perience . H ow eloquen tly the a uthor describe the

Shooter s from
‘

Prog ress , popping a tom tit oil

‘
a t wig,

to killing a Hooper on a la ke ! The gra dua l clim b

from row- ha il up
s arp to s wa n- shot ! By the wa y, the

sho t- m a nufa cturers , no s hots proba bly th em s elves ,

num ber their pellets m os t unphilosophiea lly, ba ck

wa rds . Dus t ought to be num ber one !

”
tifully less , so often quoted , ha s no rel sh i for a true

lover of the trigger, nor, indee d , for a s ports m a n of

a ny cla ss wha tever . I sha ll never forg et the wry

fa ce with which Tom Pope receive d a proposition to

look in at Ca rpenter s ’
Boh r M icros cope ! H e did not

ca re to lea rn tha t there a re s wim m in g th ing s in wa ter

too s m a ll to rise a t a m idge or to ta ke a m ite . When

he wa s a boy he wa s fond of sniggling for sa le ; as

a m an he longs, a nd ha s a ct ua lly sa ile d— to ta ckle

'

t he A m erica n Sea - Serpent !

The reveren d Richa rd Rodwell, an old cron y of

Tom s —a
’
m e m ber of the sa m e clu b:a nd a cele ra ted b
tra iler , ne ver thought a ny pike big enoug h tha t he

m i lled cut, till he '

m et with one th a t pulled him in,

a nd by the la st a eooum s I ha d of him , he wa s of to

th e Lifi y a fter s a lm on : twa s in the regula r course

'
‘

o f th ings . I rem em ber , when I ha d ca ught stickle

ba cks with a bent m inikin, ho w soon I go t to a

c ook e d cork ing - pin, to hook t he m innows with ; nor

ca n I forge t the grea t j um p by which, skipping gud

ge m s, blea k , a nd other sm a ll fry, I fi shed a ll a t once

for j a ck ! The a rlier tin y g ra da tions were disca rded .

I f you look at a foot rule, the fi rs t inch is g enera lly

-

divide d a nd su bdivided in to fourths a nd eighths , but

th e o ther ele ve n m a rk nothin

g m a iler tha n ha lves .

So it is in s porting : we ste p a t the com m encem en t,

but s tride a fte rwa r s . d To give a no ta ble ca se in

poin t : A n derson, a fter leis tering keppers on the T weed ,

overlook ing dia l ks, dolphin s, a nd other m iddlings , wa s,

-

when I left E ngla nd, wha ling m a d ; -

a nd by this tim e ,

pro a bly, the

b bra n new -
ha rpoon I sa w ha nging over

his m a ntel- s helf ha s been buried in blubber .

To turn to shooting -
look a t the g un itself ! I f the

bes t inform ed
-
pers ons 1
5 k correctl y on the su bj ect ,
42 s no rt A N A s s a m
-
A L ETTER as .

t he ba rrel a t ea ch discha rge ea

p a ndr ; tha t is to sa y ,

t he fo wling piece d fa r in it lies t o

‘

- en ea vours as as

becom e a ca nn on . The m an who ca rries th e . u

g n is

m a nufa cture d of som ething like the sa m e m et a l. He

cra ves , a t ova shot a lm ost, for bigger m e som e
-

y ga ;

huge thing, tha t he sha tter a ll its bull: a nd e wd

‘

m ay

”
its being . A t the ver y tim e tha t he is ta kin g a im at

a ha wk, he wishes it wa s a n ea gle . A propos de hott er .

A udubon in words tha t brea th e a nd burn , ha s given

i thrillin g description of bis ecs ta sy

t on knocking do w n

a Golden Ea gle with his rifle ; but is he con ten t, a t

this present m om en t, with tha t n ew fea ther in his

ca p ? Q uite t he reverse I t is well known tha t

’

. on

the com pletion of his truly s plendid Ornithologica l

Work , he in ten ds a n orienta l vo a ge y in the tra ck of

Sindha d, ha lf believing , a nd thre e qua rters hoping

,

t ba t the ex is te nce of tha t s tu en ous p d bird , the Roe,

is not a fa ble .

I f you ever kne wa nything of Lloyd , you ought to

k now tha t it wa s his ca sua ll y being the ha ppy ins tru

m en t in shooting a ra bid Newfoundla nd , tha t fi rs t

g a ve him t he hint of go ing to Norwa y to put bullets

 A M a n m om A N a s s um e s .

into hours . To ta ke a j um p to politics , in a pplica tion

of the sa m e principle , is it not proba ble tha t th e

tro ubling the ra bbits a bout Woburn , in his boyhood ,

driving bigger a nim a ls ou t of bigger boroughs ?

m ore likely : es pecia lly if y ou ca ll to m in d

t h e m a gnifi cent wish of Ja ck La ng ton , when the

”
working the ca ts in his E s se x wa rrens bega n to

e t s ta le with him B ut perha ps you ha ve forgotten it

g . .

"
I wa s
‘
n e ither m ore nor less ,
tha n tha t he coul d
ferret the Tha m es Tunnel with a C rocodile , a nd

bolt H ippopota m i !
Ma y m y o wn Elk hobby- now venture to hold up

its dim inid led he a d ? Or m us t I intrench m yself

behind M ex a m ples ? I will, a t a ll events , pla ce

be tween n s tha t of Wa shington Irving . When I ra d

his quie tly ex ultin

g recor d of killing his buffa lo , 1

would ha ve wa gered a hundred to on e tha t he would

ne ve r rest content with tha t sin

gle ex ploit , in s pite of

his professions to the con tra r y . A nd I shoul d ha ve

w on . H ere he is , in s now-s hoes, w ith his rifle on

!an cock, a nd a s Elk - e a lous of m e a s

j m a n ca n be .
44 a t erm s no rt a n m u m .

Supposing him to ha ve done th e trick, will he res t

eve n there ? The question e ua ll

q y touches your
hum ble serva nt ; a nd, bet ween ourselves, till I be

fa irly shi
p ped for Engla n d, I sha ll not feel m ys elf
s ecure from further wa ndm inp '
t Suppose, tha t in a

fresh a ocess of the s portin tit “

which grows by
g pp
a e e,

tha t it feeds on, the

”
A m erica n Gs ofliey a nd m y s elf

shoul d plun into t h d th of his na tive forests ,

ge e ep s

hoping in som e hitherto un trod en d recess to fi nd

living specim en s of thos e surpa ssing m onsters whereof

we ha ve as yet seen on ly t he orga n ic r m a ins ? e The

g rea t Cra yon ma y no w feel a bove dra wing a ba dge r ,

but coul d he resis t the tem m a tion of s ketc hing a

Ma m m oth ?
A s for m yself , a m ore wind from the

Ba ck Woods tha t whispere d of a M ega therium , would

be s ure to turn m y nose in tha t direction like a

The la s t tim e I wa s a t Brighton , som e kind friend,

whose na m e I do no t e x a ctly recollect, took m e over

to Le wes with him , to see th e m useum of M r Gid eon

.

M a ntell, so rich in fossil relics, including the giga n tic

Igua nodon , discovered in Tilga te Fores t . Sha ll I

46 A LE TT ER s nort A w A ns a N rrs '
.

Did you n ot t hen wis h your fi rs t spa rrow a pa rtridge ,

your pa rtridge a phea s a n t ? N a y , did you not o n ce

u on a tim e ex cha n e
p your s in l ba rrel for a dou ble
g g e

your duck -
gun for a s wivel? Ma ny m lckles m a ke

a m uckle ; a nd a s core or t wo of ducks a nd da ppe rs

a t one shot, w a s for the tim e y o ur E lk . I t w a s t hus

tha t, hopeless of a m a m m oth , the ve te ra n, C olon e l
H a wke r , wished for a n q
e uiva len t, in the s ha pe of a

t housa n d or t wo of th e A m e rica n woo d -

p igeons ,

w hich we re flying oVer his hea d in colum ns t we n t y

m iles long by fi ve in width . He ha d been a im ing at

the m for a m in ute or s o, with the fore -

fi nger of his

left ha nd, the th um b s ervin

g for a trigger, when th e

irresis tible w ish ca m e a cross him Oh tha t I ha d

Ha ll s powder m ills here, with the pa tent s hot m a n u

’
-

fa cto ry o n the to p o f them , to let fl y a t y e !

I t w a s whils t killin g a buck in C a shiobury Pa rk ,

th a t I fi rs t lon ged to s hoo t a n E lk . I w a rra n t the

g a m e -k
ee er, a sp we looked a t the dea d deer , se t m e

down for a n idio t, when I pronounced it a ve r y little

o ne : but m m in d w a s poss ess ed by the o the r im a ge

y .

The idea l a nim a l th enceforwa rd h a unted m e night a n d

 A L E TTE R m an a n A nsm rn s 47

da y ; som etim es s ta n ding a t ba y , som etim es s pringing

m e, a nd, like Es op brute s it ha d the g ft of
’ ’

a t s ,

hum a n p
s eech, perp etua lly crying out, Com e , a nd

' ”
kill m e It be ca m e a m on om a n ia . I felt tha t I

co ul d onl y put a n en d t o th e fi ction by m a king it a

rea lit —
y a nd the deed is done Oh ! tha t u ul d
.
y o co

ha ve seen him p
s ring te n fee t p d
u w a r s, a n d t hen fa ll

he a dlong on the t ra m pled snow ! B ut I w ill n ot

fores ta l m y na rra tive . Pen a nd p a per a re too t a m e

for it— you sha ll ha ve it hot from m y lips ! So pra y

com po se y our ris i ble m uscles a ga ins t m y re turn : or

sh oul d you feel the m tickling, re m e m ber there ha ve

been m ore Quix otic ex pe ditions tha n m ine, a nd worse

o bj ects of a m bition , tha n s hoo ting E lks . You ha d

better brea k the truth to m y friend s a t H a tfi eld before

I com e hom e : but, m in d , with no ri diculous inve n

tions ta cke d to it, to m a ke m e the la ughing s tock -

of

t he pla ce . Tell G eorge h e sha ll ha ve a hoof . I sh a ll

no t be long a fter m y le tter in com ing to ha nd — Till

w hen I am , m y dea r Willm a n ,

Yours e ver trul y ,

C . De LA M o rr s ' '
.
 A L ETTER F ROM A N A B S ENTEE .

P . S
. Ten Ga rters ,
- the In dia n , ha s brough t a n

a ccoun t tha t som e m onstrous bea s t, — nobody kno w s

wha t,— ha s been see n a bout twent y lea gues to th e

no rthwa rd . I am j us t g oin g to se t of with him , a nd

a nu m ber of other hunters , in pursuit of it . W ho

knows ? It m a y , perha ps , be a M ega t herium !

P HC N IX DO H ES T I C US .
 LOVE LA NE .

Is I shoul d love :a ma iden m ore,

A nd woo her ev ry hope to

’
crown,

’
I d love her a ll the country
.
’
o er,

But n ot decla re it out of town .

One even , by a m os sy ba n k ,

Tha t held
’
a hornet s nes t within,

To E llen on m y knees I sa nk,

H ow sna kes w ill twine a roun d the sh in

A ba shful fea r m y soul unnerv d ’

,

A nd ga ve m y hea rt a ba ckwa rd tug ;

Nor wa s I cheer d when she obse rv d,

’ ’

Whils t I wa s sile nt, Wh a t a slug !

50 LOV E L A N E .

’
A t len g th m y offer I pre fe rr d,

A nd H ope a kin d re ply forebode

A la s ! the onl y sound I hea rd

Wa s , Wh a t a horrid ugl y toa d!

d to give her a ll m y hea rt,

’
I vow

To love her till m y life took lea ve ,

’
A nd pa inte d a ll a lover s s m a rt
q

E x cep t a w a sp gon e up his sleeve !

B ut whe n I bide
’
ven tur d to a

H er fa ther s m othe r s
’
her
’
a nd gra n ts

Sudden, she sta rte d up. a nd cried,

“O dea r I am a ll ove r a n ts !
”

Na y, when beginning to beseech

The ca use tha t led to m y b ;
re uff

The a ns wer wa s a s s tra n ge a s pee ch ,

A Da ddy -
Longlegs sure enough

I s poke of fortune— hous e — , a nd la n s , d

A nd s till re ne w d the wa rm
’
a tta ck,

’
Tis va in to ofler
'
la dies h a nds

Tha t ha ve d
a s pi er on the ba ck !
52 LOV E L A N 8 .

A t la s t, em bolden d
’
by m y bliss ,

Still fi ckle Fortune pla

’
dm e foul,

For when I s trove to sna tch a kiss

She
’
s crea m d— by prox y, through a n

Then, Lovers doo m d to life dea th

’
, or

Shun m oonligh t, t wilight, la nes, a nd ba ts ,

Les t you shoul d ha ve in selfsa m e brea th

To bless your fa te— a nd curse the g o a ts !

BR IDGE SI Z E .
 DR I N KI NG

B v a M em be r o f a Tem pe ra nce Socie ty , a s s ung by

M r Spring, a t Wa term a n s H a ll
’
. .

C o u r, pa ss roun d the pa il boys

, , a nd g ive it n o qua rte r ,

Drin k deep , a nd drink oft, a nd re plenis h your j ugs ,

Fill up, a nd I ll give you

’
a t oa s t to your wa te r

The To w cock for e ver ! p

tha t o en s th e plugs !
T hen h ey for a bucket , a bucket , a bucke t ,

Then hey for a bucke t , fi lled u p t o the brim !

Or, bes t o f a ll n o tion s , le t s ha ve it by

’
ocea n s ,

iVith plen ty o f room for a s ink o r a s w im

Let tope rs of g ra pe j uice

-
e x ultingly va pour ,

But le t us j us t wh isper a word to the elves ,

We wa ter roa ds , horses , silks, riba nds, ba nk pa per -

,

Pla nts poets

, , a n d m us es , a n d w hy not ours elves ?

Then he y for a bucke t , &c .

54 na m x rs o so r
ts .

The vinta the y cry think of Spa m s a nd of Fra nce s ,

‘

g e ,

The j igs, the boleros , fa nda ngos, a nd

j um ps ;
’
But wa ter s the s pring of a ll civilis ed da nces ,

We g o t o a ba ll not in bottles , but p um p s

Then he y for a bucket , &c .

L e t others of Dorches ter qua ff a t their plea sure ,

Or honour old M eux with their thirs ty rega r d

W e ll drink A da m
’
s a le, a nd
’
we g e t it pool m ea s ure ,

Or qua ff hea vy we t from t he butt in the y a r d

Then hey for a bucket , &c .

Som e fla tter g in, bra n dy , a n d rum , on their m erits,

Grog, punch , a nd wha t n ot, tha t en live n a fea s t :

Tis true tha t they s tir up the a nim a l spiri ts ,

B ut m a y n ot the a nim a l turn out a bea s t ?

Then hey for a bucket , &c .

The M a n of the A rk, who contin ued our s pecies ,

H e sa ve d us by wa ter, -
but as for the wine,

W e a ll know the fi gure, m ore sa d tha n fa cetious ,

He m a de a fter ta s ting the j uice of the vine .

Then hey for a bucke t , &c .

 D R I N KI N G SO N G .

I n wine le t a lover rem em ber his j ewel

A nd pledge her in bum pers fi ll d brim m ing a nd oft

’

But we ca n dis tinguis h the kind from the cruel,

A nd toa s t them in w a te r, the ha rd or the s o t f .

The n he y for a bucket , &c .

d in their pa ssion ca n ne ver o erlook it,

’ ’
Som e cross

But ta ke to a pistol , a knife, or a bea m

Whils t te m pera te s wa in s a re ena bled to brook it

B y help of a little d
m ea n ering s trea m .

Then hey for the bucket , 810 .

Should fortune dim inish our ca sh s s um to ta l,

’
-

Dera ng in g our wits a n d our priva te a ffa irs,

Thoug h so m e in su ch ca ses w ould fl y to the bottle ,

There s ’
n ot hing like w a ter for drownin g our ca res .

Then hey for the bucket , &c .

See drinkers of wa ter, their wits n e ver la cking ,

Direct a s a ra ilroa d a n d sm oo th in th eir ga its ;

B ut look a t the bibbers of w ine , the y go ta cking .

Like ships tha t ha ve m et a foul wind in the s tra ig hts .

Then hey for a buck et , &c .

56 n a m x rnc s o me .

A fi g then for Burgun dy Cla ret, ,

or M oun ta in ,

A few sca n t y g la s se s m us t lim it your wish ,

B ut he s the true toper tha t goe s to th e foun ta in,

’

tha t veril y drinks lik e a fi sh

Then hey for a bucket , &c .

M ER R Y A ND WI S E .
 A N I N T ER C E P T ED DI SP A TC H .

una ble to con nect d

the i ea of polite hos tilities , with

a n unm a nnerly sol diery . I t is difiicult, for insta n ce,

to con ceive a n Urba n G ua rd devoid b

of ur a nity .

A civil w a r, to deserve the n a m e a nd s a tisf y the

Fa ncy, m us t ha ve for Com m a nder in Chief , o n e ither

si e, a
d fi n ished Gen tlem a o — if of the Old School, the

b etter— a s devote d to the w r iter in m odo, a s to the

fortiter in re . With a punctilious sens e of the bla nd

n a ture of the s trife he is enga ge d in, he will m a ke

politeness d
the or er of the da y . The pa s s word will

be Sir Cha rles Gra ndison a nd s houl d he feel com

pa lled to publicly deliver his sen tim e nts , he will m a ke

a ge n teel a ddress do duty for a n oflensive m a nifes to .

‘

E very ofi cer un der him will ra nk for com pla isa nce
a nd a m e nit y with a M a s te r of the Cerem onies . H is

dra goon s, with their bes t beh a viours , will be m oun te d

on well bre d horses : his
-
cuira ssiers as polished as

their corslets , a nd as fi nely te m pered a s t heir s wor s . d

His infa ntry, a ll reg ula rs , will a dhere to the s ta n da rds
of pr po riet y, as w ell a s to the reg im en ta l colours : the

h
’

a rtill ry w ill a dopt the tone of

go o d society ,— a nd the
60 A N m rnnc s p m n n rsra rcn '
.

bes t coul d for their enterta in m en t, till I s houl d be

prepa red for their p

rece tion , a s well a s of a ny friends

the y m ig ht bring with them . I fla ttere d m yself ,

in deed, tha t I shoul d en o j y the com pa n y of their

whole a rm y , a nd they were so g oo d a s not to dis

a ppoint m e. A lively ca nnona de quickly a nnounce d

their a pproa ch by a sa lute , which wa s cor dia lly
re turn e d fro m the whole o f our ba tteries ; a n d th en

a clou d of s kirm ishers pushe d forwa rd to our fron t ,

a nd com m e n ce d a libera l e x cha nge o f com plim en ts

with our tira illeurs . Our ca va lry in the m ea n tim e

ha d sough t a n in troduction to their hors e, which w a s

m et in the ha n ds om est m a nner, a nd m a n y intim a cies

were form e d, tha t on l y en e d d with life . The ca va lry

a t le ng th re tire d, but d
evi en tly with re g re t, a n d m a n
y
reitera te d prom ises of s oon com ing a g a in .

Their m a in body now a ppea red m oving in the bes t

dis position tow a rds us ; whils t the rifles on the fla nks

pa id the m os t m a rke d a ttention to our oflice rs, who

re ceive d m an y b
su s ta ntia l tokens of their rega r d . A

q
clos er a c ua inta n ce wa s no w sou h t with a n em press
g
m en t quite fla t tering ; indeed it wa s diffi cult to re ply
62 A N i n s s now m an D IS PA TC H .
-

in their ca m p . In j us tice to their generos it y I m us t

no t om it to s ta te tha t we foun d it a bunda n tly

provisioned the a rtiller y en tire ly pla ced at o ur

com m a n d -
the whole ba gg a ge devoted to our use .

a nd e ven the m ilita ry ches t left ver y m uch a t our

m ice .

The list of ca s ua lties is not y e t m a de up— but I

am in possess ion o f som e of the deta ils . The 19 th

wa s politel y invited to a m a ske d ba ttery , a nd a

succession of ba lls , kep t up with a s pirit tha t th e

reg im en t, a nd M a j or Sm ith in p a rticula r will lon g

‘

re m e m ber . Cornet Bower is deeply indebted to

a la nce r, who help ed him off his horse ; a nd Ca p ta in

to the s kill of a ca r bineer ; a nd Lieutena nt Power

w a s fa voured with as s
pecifi c a rem e dy for de term i

na tion of blood to the hea d . C olonel Boult wa s

ha ndsom ely presen ted w ith the freedom of the

fi eld, enclose d in a shell ; a nd M aj or Brooke is

a bsent , ha ving receive d a pressing invita tion tha t

 A N w '
r a a c s rr s n m a p s rcn . 63

he coul d res is t— to visit the ys ’

not w ell en em

qua rters .

I ha ve th e hon our to be , & c , & c , & c . . .

( g
Si n ed ) M A N NE R S .

( C oun ters i ned

g ) C n s s r s nrrs t n .

THE ARM Y , WI TH T H R EE T I M ES TH R E E .
 TH E DESE RT BO RN -
.

Fly to the desert, fly with m e.

”
— La m r Hm Br a n n on .

Tw a in the wilds of Leba non its ba rren

’
s , a m ongs t

To think u onp it, e ven now, m y ver y blood it chills

M y ske tch -
book s prea d before m e , a nd m y pe ncil in m y

ha n d,

I ga z e d upon the m ounta in ra nge, the red tum ultuous

sa n d
,

The plum y pa lm s ,
the som bre fi rs , the ce a rs ta ll a nd
d
proud ,

When 10 ! a sha dow pa sa d a cross’

the pa pe r like a clou d ,

A nd looking up I sa w a form , a t
p gfi ure for th e s cen e ,

M ethought I s too d in pres en ce of som e orienta l queen

The turba n on her hea d wa s white a s a ny driven sn o w ;

A purple ha nda lette pa s t o er the lofty brow below ’

,
 T H E D E S E R T- BOR N.

There wa s a som ething in her a ir tha t drew th e spirit

Be yond the com m on witchery tha t dwells in wom

’
ans

eye !

With reverence deep , like a n y sla ve of tha t pe culia r la n d ,

I bowed m y forehea d to the ea rth, a nd kisse d the d

a ri

sa n d;
A nd then I touched her ga rm hem , devoutly
’
ent s as a

Dervise,

Predes tina ted ( so I felt) for e ver to her service .

Nor wa s I wrong in a ug uring thus m y fortune from

her fa ce,

She knew m e, seem ingl y , as well as a ny of he r

ra ce 5

Welcom e ! ”
she crie d, as I uprose subm issive to m y

feet ;

It w a s or a ine
d d tha t you a nd I shoul d in this dwelt
m eet

A ye, a ges s in ce, before thy soul ha d burs t its pris on

 m s n s s na r- s o a n . 67

T hen cla pping, a s the Ba s terna won t, er a ll- com m a n

h d
ing ha n ds,

score of m ounte d A ra bs fa s t spurring o er th e

’
A ca m e

sa n ds ,

Nor rein
’
d they u p their foa m ing stee s d till in m y very

fa ce

They blew the brea th im pe tuous, a nd pa n ting from the

Fea r n ought, ex cla im e d th e ra dia n t on e, a s I s pra ng

’

Thy precious fra m e nee d never fea r a blow from

T hy n a ta l s ta r wa s fornm a te a s a n y orb of birth,

A nd fa te ha th heldin s tore forthee the ra rest gift of ea rth .

Then turning to the dusky m en , tha t hum bly wa ited nea r ,

She cried , Go bring the B m ur rrU Ir —for lo ! the

”
M A N is here !

0 fl went th b q tra in a s swift a s A ra b

’

o se uious
'

coul d flee,

But Fa ncy fond outra ce d them l

a l, with bridle
a nd free,
r ?
68 r un “ se a r-
s o ns .

a tta ck, som e fa ir Cir

’
A nd brought m e ba ck , for love s

ca ssia n bride ,

’
Or G eorgia n girl, the Ha rem s boa st , a nd fi t for s ul

ta n s
’
d
si e ;

M ethought I lifted up her veil, a nd sa w da rk y

e es

benea th ,

’
M ild z elle s , a s no w y brow ri e p lips, a nd pea rly
as g a ,

tee th,

A s wa nlike neck, a s h oul er roun d d ,

full bosom , a nd a

wa is t

Not too com pa ct , a n d rou n ded lim bs ,

to orie n ta l ta s te

M ethough t— but here, a la s ! a la s ! t he a iry drea m to

Behold the A ra bs lea ding up a m a re of m ilky w hite !

To tell the truth , without res erve, eva sion, or re m ors e,

The la s t of crea tures in m y lo ve or likin g is a horse

Whether in ea rly youth s om e kick un tim ely la id m e fla t ,

Whe ther from born a n tipa thy , a s s om e dislike a ca t,

I l d bea r kind, from M a nx

’
n ever
y et cou th e s g ia n t

d
s tee s

D own to thos e little bea rish cu s b of Shetla nd s sha gg y

’

breeds
A s for a w a rhors e, he tha t ca n bes tride one is a hero,
I erely to look a t su ch
‘

a si
gh t m y coura
g e s ink s to z e ro .
'

70 ru n h a sn t
'
- B oa s .

But, ha pless one ! I ca nnot ride- there s som ething

’
in

a horse

Tha t I ca n a lwa ys honour , but I never coul d d

en ors e

“
To s pea k still m ore com m ercia lly ,
in r
iding I am quite
A verse to m uning long, a n d a pt to be pa id off a t sigh t :

I n lega l phra se, for every cla ss to d

un ers ta n d m e s till,

I never wa s in s tirrups yet a tena nt but a t w ill ;

Or, if you plea se, in a rtis t term s , I .

never w en t a - s tra ddle
On horse without of keeping in the
’
a ny a w a nt

I n short, a nd here I blush d, held

’
a ba sh a nd
’
d,

hea d full low,

Im on e of those
’
whose infa nt ea rs ha ve hea rd

chim es of
’ ”
Bow !

The la dy sm iled, as houris sm ile, a down from Turkish

A n d bea m s of cruel kindness shone within her ha zeleyes ;

”
Stra ng er, she sa i d , or ra ther sa y, m y n ea res t, dea res t
frien d,

T here s
’
s om e thin
g in y our e es,y your a ir, a nd th a t
72 wa s D ES E R T B OR N
-
.

With m a n y a boun d she ca per d ’

roun d a nd roun d m e

like a da nce ,

I fea red indeed so m e wild ca ress would en d the fea rful

A nd felt m y s elf, a n d sa w m yself— the pha nta s y wa s

L ike old Redg a untlet, with a shoe im printe d on m y

forehea d !

On bended knees, with bowing hea d , a nd ha nds up

' ’
ra is d in pra y r,

’
I begg d the b d Sulta n es s the issue to forbea r ;
’
tur a n

’
I pa in ted weeping orpha n ba bes , a roun da widow d wife,

A nd drew m y dea th a s vivi dly a s others dra w from life ;

”
Behold ,
I sa id, a sim ple m a n, for such high fea ts

unfi h

Who ne ver yet ha s lea rn d to kno w the

’
crupper fro m

th e bitt ,

Wherea s the boldes t horsem a nship , a nd fi rst eques tria n

s kill,

W ould well be ta s k d to
’
ben d so wild a crea ture to the

will
”
.

a ll in va in, to supplica te a nd kneel,

’
A la s ! a la s ! twa s

T he qua drupe d coul d n ot ha ve been m ore col d to m y

a ppea l !
74 m s n s sna r- a o a u .

Good hea v n ! to see the

’
a ng ry gla nce tha t fla s hed upon

m e now !

A chill ra n a ll m m a rrow through— the dro ps w ere

y
on m y brow !
I kn ew m y doom , a n d s tole a gla nce a t t ha t a ccurs e d

"
A nd there she stood, with n os trils wide, tha t s nufl d

the s ultr y a ir .

H ow lion like she la s h d her fla nks with he r a bunda n t

'
-

While on her ne ck the s torm y m a ne kept toss ing to the

g a le !

H ow fea rft s he roll d

’
her eyes between the ea rth a nd

sk
y,
A s if in wild un ce rta int y to ga llop or to fl y

W hile with her hoof she scoop

’
d the sa n d as if before
s he a ve
g
My p lunge into e ternit y she m ea n t to dig m y g ra ve !

A n d I, t ha t ne ercoul d ca lm ly bea ra horse s pla y

’ ’
sa rs a t

O r hea r w ith out a y a r d of j um p his shrill a nd su dden

76 m D ES E R T- B OR N .

W hen lo ! to bring m y horrid fa te a t once unto the brun t ,

T wo A ra bs seize dme from behind , two others in th e

front ,

A nd ere a m uscle coul d be s trung to try the strife forlorn

'

I found m yself , M a zeppa like,

-
u on the
p Desert - Born

Terrifi c wa s the neigh she ga ve, the m om ent tha t m y

Wa s felt p
u on her ba ck, as if e x ulting in her freight ;

Whils t dolefully I hea rd a voice tha t set ea ch nerve

“
j a r :

Ofl with the
‘

bri l
de — quick —
a nd lea ve his guida nce
”
to his s ta r !

A lla h ! il A lla h !
”
rose th e sh out, — a nd s ta rting with

a bound ,

T he drea dful Crea ture clea red a t once a doz en y a rds of

g roun d;
A nd g ra sping at her m a ne with both m y cold convul
s ive ha nds,

A wa y we flew— a wa y a wa y a cross the shifting sa n s d !

M y eyes w ere clos ed in u t ter drea d of s uch a fea rful ra ce,

B ut ye t by certa in signs I kn e w w e went no ea rthly p a ce ,
 TH E D E SE R T B OR N -
.

For turn whichever wa y we m ight, the w in

d with equa l
force

Rush d lik e torrid hurrica ne s till dverse

’
a a to our

cours e

O ne m om en t close a t ha nd I hea rd the roa ring Syria n

Sea ,
’
The n ex t it onl y m urm ur d like the hum m ing of a bee !

A n d when I da red a t la s t to gla nce a cros s th e wild im

m en se,

Oh ne er s ha ll
’
I forget the whirl tha t m et the diz z y
sens e !

Wha t seem ’
d a little s p rig of fern , ere lips coul d reckon
t w a in ,

A pa lm of forty cu bits high , we pa ssed it on the

pla in !
Wh a t tongue cou d t
l ell,
— wha t pen cil p a int,
— wha t e n
p
des cribe the ri e ? d
Now —
oE no w on — n o w up _now down ,
— a nd flung

from si ed to d
si e !

I tried to s pea k , but ha d n o voice , to sooth e her with

its to ne

My sca n ty brea th wa s j olte d out with m an y a su dde n

g roa n
78 rm : u nse a t - B onn .

M y j oints were ra cke d— m y ba ck wa s s tra ine d

, so fi rm ly

I ha d clung

My b
’
n os trils u h d, a nd thrice m t th h d itt
g s
y ee a en

through m y tong ue

I Vhen lo — fa rewell a ll hope life — s he turu d

’
of a nd

fa ced the rocks,

None but a flying horse coul d clea r those m ons trous

g ra n ite blocks !
So thought 1 little kne w the desert pride a nd

fi re,

Deriv d from deer lik e da m a nd lion hea rted

’
a m os t -
,
-

sire ;

Little I d the y of m uscle blood a nd bone

’

g uess energ , , ,

with h l d h
’
Bound a fter bound ,
ea g er s p ring ,
s s e c ea r ea c

m a ssive stone

huge grey rock

’

Nine m orta l lea ps were pa ss d before a

M y tim e wa s co m e ! tha t gra nite hea p m y m onum en t of

dea th !
She pa used , she s norte d loud a nd long , a nd drew a fuller

brea th
 m s DESER T -
B OR N .

Nine s trides a nd then a louder bea t tha t wa ru d m

’
e of

her spring,

I felt her rising in the a ir like ea gle on the wing

But oh ! the cra sh — the hideous shock — the m illion

spa rks a roun d!

H er hindm ost hoofs ha d s truck th e cres t of tha t pro

digious m oun d
W ild shriek d the hea dlong Desert
’
-
Born or els e
’
twa s

dem on s m irth
’

One second m ore, a nd Ma n a nd M a re ;

’
roll d brea thless
on the ea rth !

1»

H ow long it wa s I ca n not tell ere I revived to sense,

A nd then but to endure the pa ngs of a g on y inten se ;

For over m e la y pow erles s a n d s till a s a ny s tone,
'

Th e C urse tha t ers t ha d so m uch fi re, s trength, s p irit , of

its own .

M y hea rt w a s still—
’
m y pulses stop
p d m idwa y twix t

life a nd dea th ,

W ith p a in unspea ka ble ’

I fe tch d the fra gm en t of a

brea th ,

N o t vita l a ir en ough to fra m e one short a nd fee ble sigh ,

Yet tha t I loa th d beca use it would not let m e die

’
even .
80 m s D ES E R T- B OR N .

Oh ! slo wl y , s lowly, slowl y on , from s ta rr y ni

g h t till

m orn,

Tim e fla pp d a long , with lea den wings,

’
a cros tha t wa s te

forlorn !

I curs e d the hour tha t brought m e fi rst within t his

world of s trife

A sore a nd hea vy sin it is to scorn the gif t of life

B ut w ho ha th felt a hors e s weigh t

’
o ppress his la bouring

brea s t ?
W hy a ny who ha s ha d, like m e , the N IG HT M A R E

on his ches t .

n—
’
n e ws m a 1s on r un s a r
ca s m .
 82 n rrc m n H A L L
'
.

Ha ll will proba bly rem ind the rea der of an I nsect

Hos pita l , at Sura t, des cribed by Lieutena n t Burnes ;
it wa s evidentl y a House , whos e m em bers would ha ve

vote d una nim ousl y for the a d m ission of a few

No . 1 .

To M ess rs Ta ppin . a nd Co .
, H om e A g ents , R eg e nt

Stre et, L on don .

Mn . T O PP I N ,

M r G roves
. being blind with a s tin
g
e y elids , as big as a pidg eon s ’
egg , I am n ecessita te d
to write, though un a ccustom e d to business , to sa y w e

suflbring in silence longer I t is

’
ca n t go on a ny .

m ore tha n flesh a nd blood ca n bea r ; a nd I re a lly

w on der, Mr . Tuppin, you coul d a llow a ge n tee l

fa m ily like ours, to dom estica te the m selves in H itchin

H a ll . There ha s been a s ha m e ul f wa nt of ca ndo ur in

live
’
the tra nsa ctio n . Fix tures is one thing ; but

things is a nother, a nd I don t ’

rom a nce, whe n I sa y

we a re ea ten u
p a live ! I f the house wa s a p idg eo n
house , we coul d not s wa rm m ore with flea s , a nd

y o u -
k no w - w ha ts
besides ; a nd they a re things I
n e ver coul d a bide in a ll m y da ys . A hin t from yo u
 m rcm n H A L L
'
. 88

would ha ve been onl y civil ;

“

but as I sa i d before,
there w a s nothing like oa ndour in the ca se . My

da ughter Belinda , , sa ys , she is s ure there a re

scor pions , a nd if you coul d see her in fla m ed ca lf

of a leg , I am s ure you would sa y there wa s so m e thin

g
out o f the com m on run . M a tilda thinks it m us t be

Ta ra ntellers , a nd a s da ncing is the onl y cure , I ha ve

ha d the dra wing -

room ca r e t p ta ken up in ca se ; which

as it w a s onl y j ust fi tted a nd pu t down I , consi er d

a
g re a t in convenien ce , es pecia lly as a little ca ndo ur

wo uld ha ve sa ve d a ll the trouble . M r Tuppin, it s

.
’

’
on e m ai ds work to s wee p down the s p iders , a nd the

coo k sa ys she is quite s ick of sm a s hing the bla ck

hea dles . I ex pect e very da y tha t the footm an will

g ive wa rn ing , for he is of a s erious turn , a nd

la ins he sing his hym in the kitche n

’
com ca n t
p ns

the crickets The m ai s d p

’
for . won t slee in the

ga rret s beca use of the dea th wa tches-

in the wa lls ;

M r Tuppin, there the m oth in pboa rd

’
a nd, . s e very cu

ra ther ha rd to ha ve
’
in the house ! It s d m ufl
‘
a goo

a nd Mr G
’
a nd ti ppet m ined, . . s g rea t cos t besides ,

for wa nt of a little ca ndour Our linen is going in

c 2
84 m rcum HA LL .

the sa m e wa y . I wish you coul d see one o f Mr .

G best fi ne shirts : they re full of holes

’ ’
. s as as a

cullen er, a s d I thought a t fi rst from the clothes -

pegs ;
but the la un dress sa id it wa s the cock roa ches, a nd
-

s ure enough , I foun d a dea d o ne in the dra wer .

C om m on ca ndour woul d ha ve inform ed we were com ing

in a fter a West I ndia C a p ta in ; but I su ppose

s uch m a tters a re secrets in tra de . Mr . G . is as

m uch put out of the wa y a s I am , for he is very

pa rticula r a bout his cella r, a nd the wood lice, -

or

som ethings , ha ve ea t a ll th e sea ls o ff the corks, so

tha t he knows no m ore tha n t he m a n in the m oon

wha t he is putting before his friends B ut

’
. tha t s n ot

the wors t . Mr G . . is no t so q
s uea m ish as so m e

people a bout , a n im a lculus but I a ppea l to yours elf ,

M r Tuppin, if it s ble dressing ha ppened

’
. a g reea in , as

this ver y m orn ing , to fi nd a hundred legs in your

boots ?
“For m own pa rt it is lucky I am a bove in te r
y ,

fering in the kitchen, for I ca n t

’
bea r a liza rd, a nd

he s
’

cook s a ys the efts com e up t he sink hole, a n d -

s

positive our g us ts a nd m uskitoes a re bred in th e

 H I TC H I N H A L L .

cis tern . A s for flies,they s tick to ever y thing as thick

as curra nts on a brea d puddin g

-
, a nd the blue bottles
-

ha ve blowed m ore m ea t tha n would keep a poor

M r Tuppin, for
’
fa m ily I t s pa ying ther dea r not
'

. ra , .

m eeting with a little ca ndo ur — a nd I am sorr y to

sa y we a re in debted to your cl
o seness for as m a ny

disa ppointm ents a nd disa greea bles out of doors The .

ga r ender g ru m bles from m orning to night a bout his

ha rd pla ce , a nd sa y s the blights a re beyond every

thing, to sa y nothing of s orts he never sa w before .

Tha t wa s ca ndid too —I ca nnot g o n ea r m y g ree n

house, for it is a ll a live a nd Ba rron ha s left off

‘

lighting the stoves in the hothouses, for the wa rm th

ha tches out such s wa rm s of gru s,

b a nd flies, a nd

insects , as he sa ys would a s tonish your ha t o ff your

h ea d . A s th e sa m e sort of thing ha ppened the fi rs t

oven I don t doubt his

’
tim e we hea te d the , correctness ;

but rea ll y , Mr Ta ppin da m p a nd denia l

’
.
,
it s a grea t , .

a nd dra wba ck both , to Mr G . . a nd m yself, when we

a re so ver y fond of ga rd ening, but of cours e decline

e n oying o nl y the plea s a nt f picking a nd

j un pa rt o

s crunchin
g . I ndeed I ha ve never s et foot in the
86 m rc n m B A L L.

g roun s , d
since sitting down on the a nt s n est, a nd our

friend, M r La ird, ys it s p
s ecies he never sa w
’
. sa a

before, ex cept in A frica . I t is ver y plea sa nt ,

Mr .

Tuppin , to be pla g ued with the onl y things of the

sort in Engla nd ; but of cours e y ou wa s no t a w a re

of the foreign a nts , or com m on ca ndour would ha ve

dicta ted a m ention . I Vith a proper wa rning before

our eyes, we certa inl y should ha ve never em bra ced
such drea dful disa greea bles sufl er with, but
'

as we

we never ha d a ca ndid s ta tem ent of wha t we were

to ex pect . As s uch, M r Tuppin,

. I h0 pe you will

feel due to your own cha ra cte r, to g e t the hous e off

our ha nds a s s ee p dily as possible, a nd without a ny

further ex pense to the deceived pa rties . I n the

m ea n tim e, Mr . To ppin , regret ting your wa nt f

o

ca nda ur, I rem a in, for M r G . . a nd m yself ,

Your very obedient Serva nt,

Ma nx G n ov s .

Hitchin Ha ll , H a rts .
 m r cm u H A L L . 87

No 2 . .

To M rs G rove, H itchin H a ll, H erts

. .

M A DA M ,

In a bsence of Principa ls , am desired to inform ,

it is not cus tom a r y to furnish such m inute pa rticula rs

as a lluded to ; ca nnot, therefore, consi er ca n our a s d d
com prom ised by not including flea s, & c , in lis t . of

fi x tures . Beg to sa y, we '

m us t decline letting a ga in ,

ex ce pt on usua l term s , a s enclose d , a nd am , M a da m ,

for I\1ppin a nd Co ,
'
.

Your m o . obedt . St .

”
JO H N Sn o a '
r.

No 8 . .

To Sa m ue l Pip e, E s q , F la . m ing o F ire A ssura nce

Com pa ny , Com hill, L o ndon .

St a ,

I t is m y un plea sa nt duty to a dvise you, tha t on

t he night of the l oth I ns t . the m essua ge a n d tene

m ent ca lle d H itchin Ha ll ( No , . wa s burnt

d own to the ground without sa lva g e. I t wa s form erly
88 H rrcm u H A L L .

in the occu a tion p of the Hitchin E ntom ologica l

Society ; a nd the secreta r y , who wa s ver y curious in

kee ping a nd breeding a ll sorts of insects , dd

res i e on

the prem ises . I ha ve a scerta ine d beyond doubt

, , tha t

the fi re wa s ca use d by a pa n of burning chu coa l a nd

brim stone ,
i nten e dd to destro y the la rva , &c .
, bein g
s hut up in a bed -
roo m , by the new tena nts .

I am , Sir,

Your very hum ble Serva nt ,

“Pa ra s H a wx u u a '
sr .

L e

H BN- TO M O L OG Y.
 OD E TO D O C TO R H A H NE M A N N ,

T H E H OM fE O P A T H I S I
' '

T HE QU I NA R Y S Y ST E M .

WE L L , Doctor,

G rea t con coctor

Of dicines help in dis tress ;

’
m e to m ans

Diluting down the s trong to m eek,

A nd m a king e v n the wea k wea k,

’
m ore

Fine by deg rees , a nd bea utifully less

Founder of a n ew sys te m e conom ic,

To druggis ts a ny thin g but com ic ;

90 on e TO n ocron. H A W A NN .

Fra m d the whole Olla pods to fret ,

’
ra ce of

At profi ts , like thy doses , ver y sm a ll ;

To put a ll Doctors Boys evil ea se ,

’
in

Thrown out of brea d , of h si

p y ,o a n d of pla ce
A nd show us old A potheca ries Ha ll
’

”
To L et .

H ow fa re thy Pa tients ? a re they dea d or living,

Or, w ell a s ca n e x pected be , with such

A st yle of pra ctice , libera lly giving

A sum o f m ore to tha t which ha d too m uch ?

Dos t thou preserve the hum an fra m e , or turf it ?

Do thorough dra ugh ts cure thorough col s or no t ? d

Do fevers yield to a n y thing tha t s hot ?
’

Or hea rt y dinners neutra lise a s urfeit ?

I s t good
’
a dvice for gas tro nom ic ills ,

W hen Indiges tion s ’

fa ce with pa in is crum pling ,

To cry Dis ca rd those Peris ta ltic Pills ,

Ta ke a ha rd dum pling ? ”

Tell m e , th ou Germ a n Cousin ,

A n d tell m e honestly without a diddle ,

Does a n a t te nua te d dose of ros in

A ct as a to nic on the old Scotc h ddle
fi
 OD E TO DOCTOR H A H N E M A NN . 91

T ell m e, when A nha lt C oethen ba bies wriggle,

Like eels j us t ca ug ht by sniggle ,

M a rtyrs to som e a ci dity interna l,

Tha t gives them pa ngs inferna l,

M ea nwhile the lip grows bla ck, the eye e nla rges ;

Sa y , com es th ere a ll a t once a cherub ca lm , -

The ha lf of ha lf, of ha lf, a drop of va rg es

Suppose , for ins ta nce, p Leip zig s pla in

’
u on ,

’
A soldier pillow d on a hea p of sla in,

In urgent wa n t both of a pries t a nd proctor ;

When 10 ! there com es a m a n in g reen a nd red .

A fea therless cock d ha t

’
-
a dorns his hea d,

I n short a Sa x on m ilita ry doctor

Would he , in deed , on the ri

g ht trea tm en t fix ,

To cure a horrid ga ping woun d ,

M a de by a ba ll tha t weigh d a pound ’

I f be well peppa r d it with ’

num ber six

Suppos e a felon doom ed to s wing

Within a rop e ,

M igh t frien ds not hope

To cure him with a s tring

92 on e s o n ooro a H A B NE M A NN .

Suppose his brea th a rriv d t a full st0 p,

’
a

The sha des of dea th in a bla ck clou d before him ,

W ould a quin tillion th dose of the New Drop

Re sto re him ?

Fa ncy a m an g one ra bid from a bite ,

Sna pp ing to left a n d right,

Sebright s houn ds ,
’
A nd giving to ngue like on e of

T errifi c sounds ,

The pa llid n eighbourhood with horror cowing,

To hit the proper hom oeopa thic m a rk ;

”
Now, m ight n ot the h a te ta s te in life of ba rk,

Stop his bow wow ing ? - r

Na y, with a w ell kn own rem e

-
dy to fi t him ,

Would he not m end , if, with a ll prop e r ca re,

H e too a ha ir

Of the dog tha t bit him

Picture a m a n— we ll sa y
’
a Dutch M einheer

In d
evi ent e m otion,

Bent o er the bulwa rk of the B a ta vier,

’

O wning those s ym ptom s queer

feel in the ocea n,

’
Som e a Sick Tra ns it o er

Ca n a n y thing in life be m ore pa thetic

T ha n when he turns to us his w ret ched fa ce
 OD E TO D OC TOR H A H N E M A NN . 98

But would it m en d his ca se

'

To be decillionth -
dos d

With som ething like the ghos t

Of a n em etic ?

Lo ! da rken d
’
now a room

L ook through the drea ry g loo m ,

A nd see th a t coverlet of wildes t form ,

T os t like the billows in a s torm ,

W here ever a nd a non , with groa ns , em erges

A gha s tly hea d

W hile t wo im pa tien t a rm s s till bea t the bed,

L ike s wim m er s s trugg lin h

’
a s tron
g g wit

There L ife a nd Dea th a re on their ba ttle pla in

-
,

W ith m a ny a m orta l e cs ta s y of pa in
I Vh a t sha ll s upport th e body in its tria l,

Cool the hot blood , w ild drea m , a nd pa rching s kin,

A n d ta m e the ra g ing M a la dy w ithin

A sn iff of Nex t -
to
-
Nothing in a phia l?

Oh ! Doctor Ha hnem a nn , if here I la ugh,

A nd cry toge ther, ha lf a nd ha lf,

94 ro noe roa H a m vm sa rm
'
on e .

’
E x cuse m e, tis a m oo d the bj ect brings
su ,

To think, whils t I ha ve crow d like cha nticleer

’
.

Percha nce , from som e dull eye the hopeless te a r

Ha th gush d, with li h l i a t schis m
’
m y g t e v ty ,

To m ourn som e M a rtyr of E m piricism !

Percha nce on th y I ha ve giv n

’
own s s tem
, y ,

A pa ng , p
s u erfl uous to the pa ins of Sorrow,

Who weeps with M em or y from m orn till e ven

Where com fort there is none to len d or borrow ,

Sighing to o ne sa d stra in,

“She will no t com e a ga in ,

To -
m orrow, n or to - m orrow, n or to m orro w -

Doctor, forg ive m e, if I da re prescribe

A rule for thee thy self, a n d a ll thy tribe,

I nsertin g a few seriou s words by s tea lth

A bo ve a ll p rice qf we a lth

The B ody Je we l, —
’
s not
f or m inds
p ro mfie,

Or ha nds , to ta m p er with in p ra ctice va in

L ilse to a Wom a n s ’
Virtue is Al a
’
ns H ea lth .

A he a ve nl
y gifl within a holy s hrine

To be a pp roa ch d
' '
a nd touch d w ith serio us
f ea r,

By ha nds m de p ure. a nd hea rts of fa ith se vere,

E vn
’
the P riesthood the ON E divine l
a s
f
o
 ro n ooro n H A H N E M A N N . 95

B ut, z oun ds! ea ch fellow with a s uit of bla ck ,

A n d, stra nge to fa m e,

With a diplom a d
’
na m e,

Tha t ca rries two m ore let ters pick -

b
a - a ck ,

With ca n e, a nd sn ufl
'
box , pow der d
’
wig ,

block ,

I nven ts his dose , as if it were a chris m ,

A nd da res to trea t our w on rous m echa nis m d ,

Fa m ilia r a s the works of old Dutch clock ;

Yet, how would com m on sen se es tee m the m a n,

Oh how , m y unrela te d Germ a n cousin ,

Who ha ving so m e su ch tim e keeper on tria l,

-

A nd fi n ding it too fa s t, enforc d the dia l,

To s trike p
u on th e Hom oeopa thic pla n
Of fourtee n to the dozen .

Ta ke m y a dvice ,
’
tis giv n without
’
a fee ,

Drown , drown your book ten thousa n d fa thom s

deep .

Like Prospero s benea th ’

the brin y sea

For s pells of m a g ic ha ve a ll gone to sleep !

Lea ve no decillionth fra g m en t of your works ,

To help the in teres ts of qua cking Burkes ;

A id in d
m ur ering ev n widow s m ites,
’ ’
not
96 on e TO
'
n oc ron H A H NE M A N N .

A nd now forgive m e for m y ca n did zea l

,

I ha d not sa id so m uch, but tha t I feel

Should you ta ke ill wha t here m y M u s e in dites ,

A n O de ling
-
m ore w ill se t you a ll to rig hts .

B EL L ON T HE B A ND .
98 m a s s on ra t now .

of Down, s prea d “a ll before him where to choose his

”
pla ce of res t .

'

I t wa s in a sim ila r m oo d , a fte r a long dusty

rought
’
d y dog da y s j ourney tha t
-
, I en te re d the

Dolphin, a t Bedha m p ton I nodded . in a t th e door ,

winked a t th e lights , blinked a t the com pa n y in the

coffee -room , ya wn e d for a g la ss o f negus, s wa llowed

it ha d been “
it with m y eyes shut, a s though a pin t
of na ppy surren ere d d m y boots , clutched a ca ndle

s tick, a nd blundered , s li sho

p d , up the sta irs to num ber
nine .

Bless ed be the m a n, sa ys Sa ncho Pa nz a , who fi rs t

inven ted s leep : a nd blessed be hea ven tha t he did no t

t a ke out a pa tent , a nd keep his discovery to him self .

M y clothes dropped off m e : I sa w through a drows y

Grea t Na ture a
’
ha ze the likeness of a four pos ter: -

secon d course wa s s p rea d before m e -

a nd I fell to

without a long g ra ce !

b ody— there s
’
Here s a
’
a bed !

ll — here s
’
T here s a p o
i hea d !
’
w a

’
T h i here s light
’
e e curta n — ?
r s a a

The re s ’
a puff— a nd so Good Night !
 u ni c ults o n T H E a o a n
-
. 99

It would ha ve been gross im providen ce to w a ste

m ore w ords on the occa sion for I wa s to be rouse d

’
four o clock the procee d
'

up a gn n a t nex t m om m g t
,o

by the ea rl y coa ch . I determ ined , therefore , to do as

m uch slee p within th e in te rva l as I co ul d; a nd in a

m in ute, short m ea sure, I wa s with tha t d

m a n a rin,

M orphe us, in his La n d of Nod .

H ow in tensely we slee p w hen we a re fa tigued !

Som e as soun d as t0 ps, others a s fa s t as churches .

For m y g wu pa rt I m us t ha ve s lept a s fa s t as a

Ca thedra l — , as fa s t as Young Ra pid wished his fa ther

to slum ber : -
na y a s fa s t a s the French vetera n w ho

drea m s over a ga in th e whole R ussia n ca m pa ign while

dozing in his se ntr y box

-
. I m us t ha ve s le pt a s fa s t a s
fa st p os t- coa ch in m fou p t — or ra ther I m us t
a y r os er
-

ha ve slep t like winkin, for I s eem ed ha rdly to ha ve

clos e d m y eyes , w h en a voice crie d S leep no m ore !

I t w a s tha t of Boots , ca lling a nd knocking a t th e

door , whils t throu gh the ke yhole a ra

y of ca ndlelight

da rte d into m y cha m ber .

Who s ’

there ?
”

It s
’
m e, your honour, l hum bly ax pa rdon — but

H 2
100 a rs rcns a o n r a n no w .

som ehow I
’
ve oversleeped m yself , a nd the coa ch be

gon e by
The devil it is l— then I ha ve los t m y pla ce

N0 , not ex a ctl y your honour

, . She a t0 ps a bit a t

the Dra gon, to ther the town if your

’
end a nd
’
0

honour wouldn t
’
o bj ect to a bit of a run

T —
ha t s enough com e in Put down the light
’
.

a nd ta ke up tha t ba g— m y coa t over your a rm a nd

wa is tcoa t with it— a nd tha t

’
cra va t
.

Boots a cte d a ccording I j um pe d out o f

to or ers d .

bed— pocketed m y nightca p— s crewed on m y stocking s

— plunged in to m y trowsers — ra m m e d m y feet int o

wrong righ t a nd le ft boots — tum bled down the ba ck

s ta irs —burst through a door , a nd found m yself in th e

fresh a ir of the s ta ble ya rd , holding a la ntern , which ,

in sheer ha ste, or s pleen I pitched ,

into the horsepond .

Then bega n the ra ce , during which I com fl eted m y

toilet, m nning a nd fi ring a ver a b l volle y at Boots ,

a s often a s I coul d spa re brea th for one .

“A n d ou ca ll this wa king m e up— for the coa ch .

y
My wa istcoa t — Why I coul d wa ke m ys elf too la
-
tch

without being ca lled . Now m y cra va t — a nd be ha nged

 s u rc nns o n m a s ca n . 10 !

to u — Confound tha t st one — a ud iv m e m

y o g e y
coa t . A nice roa d— for a run — I su ppos e you keep

it—o n p p ur os e. H ow m an y gen tlem en — m a y you do

w eek — I ll tell— you wha t If I — run— a foot

’
a .

I pa used for wind ; while Boots ha d st oppe d of his

own a ccor d. We ha d turned a corner in to a s m a ll

q
s ua re ; a nd on the opposite side, cert a inly s to od an

in n with the sign of The D ra gon, but without a ny

s ign of a coa ch a t the door . Boots s too d beside m e,

a gh a s t , a nd s urvey in g the hous e fro m the top to the

bottom not a wrea th of sm oke ca m e from a chim ne y;

the curta ins w ere closed o ver ever y win dow , a nd the

door wa s clos e d a nd shuttered . I coul d ha rdly con ta in

m y in dig na tion when I looked a t the inferna l som

nolent vis a ge o f the fellow, ha rdly yet broa d a wa ke

he kept ru bbing his bla ck -

lea d e esy with his ha nds, as

if he would ha ve rubbe d them out .

Yes , you m ay w ell look — you ha ve overs le pt

y ours elf with a vengea nce. The coa ch m ust ha ve

pa ss e d an hour a g o— a nd the y ha ve a ll gone to bed

”
a ga in 1
“N o , there be no coa ch , sure enough,
”
solilo uiseq d
102 s u rcn a s on r un
s no a n .

Boots, s lowly ra ising his y

e es from the roa d, where he

ha d been sea rching for the tra ck of recen t wheels, a nd

fi x ing them with a depreca ting ex pression on m y

fa ce No, there s coa ch I thousa nd
’
. no ax a

pa rdons your , honour— bu t you see, sir, wha t with

wa iting on her, a nd ta lking on he r, a nd ex pecting on

her, a nd giving notice on her, ever y night of m y life ,

your honour why I som etim es drea m s on her— a nd

’ ”
tha t s the ca se a s is now !

YO U ’
VE wa ts ! )
n m : 10 0 s oo n ,

”
1 tw s r a w us a n m a m .
10 4 s n rcna s on wa s a os n .

j us t i
j g s a bout a bit while the cha p with the s tick ha s

then down
’
got his ey e on em , a nd drop s a gin o n

a ll- fours, but j us t a s I m ight da nce m yself like, with

a fore m e 2
”
Now you m ention it, I a nswere d, I ca nno t

reca l e ver seeing a dog da nce with a ny thing like

”
en o m ent.
j y
I ll la y lif h s ir,
”
d the
’ ’
t sa i
‘

m y e y ou a ven ,

coa chm a n. I
’
ve ta ught m y own bitch to da nce
bit, but it s onl y when I her locked in the
’
a gets up

for she ll bolt if sh e ca n, a nd I don t

’
then
‘
’
room , set

y
e es on her, ma yha p for a week . The m om en t she

sees the fi ddle she turns '

a wa y her hea d, a s if it wa s

a n old tin kettle, a nd tucks her ta il between her leg s

”
but tha t s
'

in ca s e, -
na ture .

A nd wha t else m ight .

the Wonderful Dog
”
perform ?

Perform sir ! I
'
bles t if he didn t
’
perform
‘

m a
,

wonderful sight, better tha n the pla yers a t Richa rd

H e fen ced like

’
let a lone tha t he couldn t ta lk
’
son s, .

a
go od
’
un, a nd bes t tim e to a song as reg ula r
10 6 sx s ron ns on m a n on .

when to verify the coa chm a n s a m ortion, the

’
a m ved,
'

of the veh cle

door at the ba ck
i opene d , a nd a la rge

white woolly dog bounded out , who a fter running a

few pa ces on a ll- fours , got p

u on his hind legs a nd

the hum a n fa shion . A fa t wom a n, a nd a n equa lly

fa t m a n, then scra m bled out of the little house p

u on

wheels, but m y interes t wa s a ll a bsorbed by the dog ,

a nd lea ving the rest of the com pa ny to repla ce his

resi en ce d in sta tu quo, I g a ve m yself up to the stud y

of the ca nine Phenom enon . I coul d ha rdly enough

wa s, tha t, even in such a su dden em ergency , could not

m a ke him lose his q

a c uire d m a nn er . B ut m y s ur rise
p
ha d no t et a rrive d t its pitch ; m y a stonishm ent
y a

m ay be conceive d , when I sa w him put his pa w to

his hea d, as if to a scerta in tha t it wa s sound, then

feel down his ba ck a nd loins , a nd fi na lly, a long his

hi nd legs ; a e n ui e biped of my own s ecies coul p d

g n

not ha ve g one through the ex a m ina tion m ore

n a tura ll y! He nex t folded his fore legs , as if they

ha d been a rm s in rea lit y; a nd settle d him self to

wa tch the righting of his conve a nce, a ndy th e PM ‘

 Bus i ne s s on r m : R OA D . 10 7

la sting longer tha n suite d his hum our, he re pea te dl y

tried t o urge on the work , by im pa tiently wa ving his

in which his ca rria ge re quire d to be lifts d . A t la st

the little house s too d a g a in on a ll its wheels , a nd th e

coa chm a n bega n to m ove tow a rds the m iles tone , with

the inten tion, no doubt , of renewing his q

a c ua inta n ce

to he a t hom e a ga in , s ud enl d y d
s ta rte up , a droitly

dodg ed pa st our Whip , a n d run ning m a n- fa shion to

the la dder, which he a s cen e dd dog fa shion, threw

-

him s elf in to the ca ra va n with a som ers et , tha t ex cite d

a un iversa l a bout of la ughter . The fa t wom a n nes t

followe d, then the fa t m a n , a nd the door clos ed . We

ha d res um e d our sea ts on the coa ch, a nd the Ro cket

wa s a bout to go 0 3; when the fa t m an a ppea red a ga in

a t the door of the ca ra va n , a nd a ddressed us genera lly ,

B egg ing your pa rdons , gem m en , I hope you

won t
’
not m ention a ny thin g as you ve’
see d . It

would on ly be a -
ta king the brea d out of our m ouths ,

without a- putting on it into your own . The dog ,

gem m en , is a poor dwa rft a nd we onl y does it out

10 8 sn a rcn s s o n m a s ca n.

cha rit y like , to ge t him bit wittles

’ ’
0 a 0 . So y ou

see, gem m en

I coul d not hea r wha t followed ; for our coa chm a n

s ta rte d his te a m so s u ddenly , tha t we ha d enough to

do to preserve our sea ts , a nd for two m iles further be

kept his horses in a ra ttling ga llop , tha t put a ll con

versa tion out of the question . A stee p bill a t la s t

o bliging him to a lter th e pa ce , we fell into ta lk on

the la te occurrence ; for m y own pa rt I , coul d no t

help la ughing a t the whim sica lit y of the device , bu t

our Jehu , who evi entl d y felt sore on the subj ect,

looked a t the m a tter in a very different light .

“ It

”
wa s, he sa i d , a reg ula r bit of hum bug , a down righ t
swindle , a nd n othing else, a nd it w ould onl y ha ve

sa rv d the little va rm in t right to ha ve him

’
guv a

proper good sha king by the scruff o the nec

’

”
The trick is n ot without precedent , sa id the

tra veller, turning towa r s m e , d though the s tor y may

not be genera lly known in E ngla n d . I t wa s pla yed
of at the ex pen se of the good citize ns of A m ste rda m ,

by Sim on Pa a p , the celebra te d, or a s Irish O Brien ’

use d to ca ll him , t he G rea t D wa rf . H e ha d rea pe da

g oo d ha rves t by ex hibiting his dim inutive proportions
 sn ron ns o n m a no a n . 10 9

to the Dutch ; but Sim on , for a m an of his inches ,

went ex tra or dina ry lengths in dissipa tion in fa ct he

wa s a little ra ke, a n d the m one y wen t as fa s t as it

ca m e . The show beginning to get s ta le, he did no t

fi nd his person p y
a so well as it is su pposed to do in

defa ult of the purse , a nd it beca m e necess a ry to hit

upon so m e ex pedient for ra isin

g the win d . A ccord

ingly ha ving ta ken form a l lea ve , in the cha ra cter of

th eir g ra t eful, o bliged , a nd hum bly b dien t d wa rf

o e ,

he got him self sewed up in a skin , by so m e of his

confe era tes , a nd,

d in a few da y s , Sim on Pa a p a ga in

ma de his a ppea ra nce before an a dm iring P ublic , as a

Wo s n s nrur . Do o ! A s he ha d well s tudied his pa rt ,

a nd perform ed it to perfection , he wa s hon oured with

the pa trona ge of the m os t dis tinguished persona ges in

A m s terda m , a nd la rge sum s were offered for him to

his su ppos ed m a ster, but of cours e declined . A m ongs t

his other a ccom plishm en ts , the Wonderful Dog coul d

ta ke a ha nd, or ra ther pa w, a d
t ca r s , a nd a s Sim on

wa s a sha r p pla yer , he bega n to be looked upon a s a

lucky dog , as well a s a cle ver one, when a n untowa r d

even t brought his golden dog da ys to a n end . He

pla ying in coflee house French

'
wa s a -
a ga ins t a
110 m rou ra o n m a R OA D .

ofi cer, a nd ha d won to s uch an a m ount tha t the

la tter coul d not help venting his ve x a tion by a few

sha r p cuts of his ca ne , a n i nfliction which ins tea d of

ca llin
g forth a whine or a howl, produced a y
ver

tion in Pa a p s m other tongue

’
dis tinct ex cla m a -
. A wa re

of the sli p , he im m e dia tely bolte d out of the h ouse ,

as if he ha d got the hydrophobia , a n d the s a m e nig h t

s ecretl y quitted A m s terda m , lea ving , like a rea l m ad

”
dog, a goo d m a n y bitten people behind him .

F O RG I V E M E TH I S O N C E .
112 m m ea n n o s es .

vehicle , a s if he ha d been a t the desk of a snug count

ing hous e in M incing

-
La ne Instea d of a Price C urrent
. ,

he held in his ha nd a slen der pa m phlet , which w a s

pro b bly
a a re lig ious tra ct, for whenever his e es y left
the pa per, the y inva ria bly took an u pwa rd look, before

ta king a sw ee p of the wide verd a nt horizon . A t the

fi rs t gla nce it occurred to m e tha t his horse ha d bolte d ;

la r wa s lying on the grou n d; the long reins beside it ;

the sha fts were whole, a nd unin ure j d; not a single

stra p wa s broken , but reg ula rl y unbuckled I felt com .

letel in the da rk Horses a re occa siona lly ta ken out

p y .

of ca rria ges, when the m ob is in the hum our to a ct a s

th eir subs titutes ; but Sa lis bury Pla in is perha ps the

ver y la st pla ce in En gla nd for one to look for pcpu

la rity . Determ ined to fa thom the m ystery I , d
ro e up

to the phenom enon , a nd with a polite a pology begged ,

to tender m y best s ervices, in a ca se I coul d not help

fea ring wa s one of em ergen cy . The offer wa s well

receive d, but m y a ssista nce declined in the quiet a nd

la conic s tyle su ppos ed to be peculia r to the ta citum

s ect which owns Fox for its founder .

 s x n rcn s s ON T H E n o a n 113
'
.

I tha nk thee, frien d, — but there is n o nee d.

”

”
I am ha ppy to hea r it, I re plied , I wa s in

Friend, we ou
gh t to fea r n othin g but sin .

I beg your pa rdon , sir, but

T hou ha s t
”
n ot ofi ended
'
.

It occurre d to m e, tha t possibly your present po

a ition wa s the result of som e a cci ent d
Frien d, there is no such thin
g a s a ccide nt — a ll is

I confess I felt ra ther s ce tica l on the

p su bj ect ; there

seem e d so little of a hea venly dispensa tion , in being

pla nted in his peculia r situa tion . I coul d n ot help

thinking , tha t if one m ight desire a bles sing , ten thou

d worldly a dva nta ges were prefera ble to the doubt

ful one of sitting in a cha is e , w ithout a horse, in s uch

a vicinit y . I n the m ea n tim e, the Qua ker resum ed his

rea ding ; a nd g a ve m e leisure to look a ll round , with

the in w a rd conviction of s eeing s om e s tout, se a te,d

d
el erl y na g g ra zin
g so erl b y , by perm ission , on th e

bunda n t herba ge I wa s s till m is ta ken ; there wa s

”

a .

n othin
g to be seen , ex ce tin g a p few sheep, within the
114 sx nrcn s s ON
'
rn n R OA D .

whole ra nge of the horiz on . My curiosity in cre a sed ;

I coul d ne ither m a ke up m y m in d to ride o ff , n or to

a ga in a ccos t the ta citurn qua ker , who seem e d m ore

deeply a bs orbed tha n ever in his tra ct . A t la s t, as

he pa used , a ppa rently to diges t the contents of the

la s t pa ge he ha d been rea ding, I venture d on a fresh

a tta ck .

I am a fra id, sir, tha t while you ha ve been e nga g e d

with your book , y our horse ha s s tra yed fa rther o ff tha n

you a re a wa re o

I tha nk thee , frien d , sa i d the m a n of few words ,

turning over a n ew lea f, m y horse is in s ure

ha nds — a n d a a in he buried his m ind in the pum

g
phle t . Qua ker a s he w a s, I felt so m ewha t piqued at

his quietis m , a n d a ccor dingly de term ined to oblig e him

to s p ea k to the m a tter in ha n d .

”
Pos sibly , s ir, sa i dI , y ou r horse ha s ca s t a shoe,

a nd ha ve him to the t bla cks m ith

’

y ou se n t nex s

The Qua ker rea d on .

”
If so, I continued, I con g ra tula te you on pos

”
sessing a book to a m use your leisure .

N0 a n s wer
 s x s rcn ns O N
'
TH E R OA D . 115

I wish , — ra ising m y voice tha t I coul d a n tici

pa te better wea ther for y ou, sir, tha n the clou ds seem

to threa te n . I ’
m ver y m uch a fra i d we sha ll ha ve a

”
storm .

Still m ute a s a fi sh .

I t wa s on ce m
y m isfortune , sa i d I , getting quite
provoked , to be ca ught in one, j us t a bout this very

spot z— an d I a ss ure you , sir, it wa s very fa r from

Mum a s ever .

W ha t wa s w orse, sir, I got benighted -

a n d there

ca n t be a wretcheder pla ce in a ll E n gla n d for s uch a

dilem m a . I wa s six hours a drift , a t th e ver y lea s t, on

”
this infern a l w a s te .

I m igh t as well ha ve ta lked to Stone Henge its elf .

The perverse Fox ite kept his lip s herm etica lly s ea le d;
I ha d ga th ered up the reins, turne d h
’
a nd m y orse s

hea d, a nd wa s a bout to ri ed o ff in a huff; when his

voice un ex pectedly s a lute d m e .

Friend, I wish thee a g oo d j ourney .

I t wa s on the tip of m y t on
g ue, a ccording t o the

r 2
116 s ra
'
s ON TH E R oa n .

com m on re oin er, j d to wis h him the sa m e ; but th e

a bsurdity wa s m o pa lpa ble ,

d
cons i ering his m ea n s o f

tra velling ; a nd a s it wa s a question of som e diffi cult y ,

wha t as pira tion to offer, un der s uch circum s ta nw s, I

found m y s elf re uce d d to a ver y a w kwa rd s ilence . In

the da y s or rea lm s of en cha n tm en t, it w ould h a ve bee n

o therwis e ; for ins ta nce, one m ight ha ve w is hed him

pa ir of flying dra gons , or a tea m of pea cocks , or

turne d ha lf a dozen of t he fi eld -

m ice into as m a ny

crea m -
coloure d A ra bia ns — but as wis hing ha s los t a ll

m a gica l po wer, I wa s j us t on the poin t of m erely lift

ing m y h a t, as a fa re well courtes y, when he a g a in ad

dressed m e .

Friend, shoulds t thou m ee t t he m a n who ha th m y

horse, I t
will ha nk th ee to bid him m a ke goo d s peed
with the w ork in ha nd .
”

With the g rea tes t plea s ure , s ir, provided y o u will

”
fa vour m e with th e m ea ns of re cogn iz ing th e m .

Friend, thou ca n s t net e rr. The brute crea ture

ha th three white legs, — with w ha t is ca lle d a bla ze on

his forehea d — a nd a long ta il, un ocke d d by the cruel

 sx rcrcn x s O N m
'
s: n ow . 117

a bom in a tion of shea rs . Res pecting the rider, I ca nnot

s eap k, seeing tha t I did not ta ke the pa rticula rs o f his
out wa r d m an .

I thin k, sir, I shoul d know your horse -

but is it

pos si ble , m y goo d sir , you ca n h a ve entrusted him to an

? ”
utte r s tra nger

”
Thou sha lt hea r , fria nd, — a nd stowin
g a wa y his

book , cla s ping his ha nds over his wa is tcoa t, a nd twirl

in g his thum bs ro un d ea ch oth er, the Qua ker bega n

his rela tion . The boy Jona tha n he , sa id, ha d la tely

been sorel y ex tra va ga nt in the a rticles Of oa ts a nd bea ns

for his horse , whereof followed not on l y wa s te a nd cos t ,

but like wise the bm te crea ture, a ccor ding to the scri p
ture, wa x ed fa t a nd kicked . Whence it ca m e to pa ss ,

a m ong s t other tria ls a nd s ufferings , for the hea ds trong

s p irit of viciousness t o possess its elf so powerfully of

the horse, j us t a t m id wa y Of his j ourney, there or there

a bouts , as to be beyond a ll con trolling with the lea ther

con triva n ces . Whereupon h e ha d resigne d him self

in wa rdly to the p ow er of gra ce , which ha d se nt present

help in need, n a m el y by
, ra is in
g up a m a n out Of a

bush , a n utter s tra nger, indeed, but a Christia n , with

118 sx m n ns ON m s ca n .

bowels of m erc y , who ha d g ra ppled the w ilful o ne by

the hea d ; m oreover, un erta king, d before procee ding

further, to a ba te the violen t tern per thereof, by a bun
da nt ga llopping to a nd fro u on thep pla in .

I su ppose an involunta ry sm ile m ust ha ve pla ye d

a cross m y fea tures a t this pa rt of the s tor y , fOr the

worthy Q ua ker e vi entl d y pene tra ted m y thought, a n d

in t ruth I ha d m y doubts upon the ca se .

I perceive, frien d, thou thinkes t I ha ve en trus te d

m y horse to one of the wicke d ones — but tho u ough t

to ha ve a m ore cha ri ta ble o pinion Of t hy bre thren in

the flesh . I feel a s secure of the brute crea ture, a s if I

ha d him here between m y thig h s . I t w ould ha ve don e

the goo d to see the hones t m a n , how he wrought with

him , at pe ril of his own life a nd lim b ; as well as to

hea r his com forta ble discourse . I re m em ber his ver y

words Only sit still in the sha y he ith, a nd
’
.
, sa

keep your m ind ea s y w onderful fresh a t prwe nt,

’
— he s

but I d to the sort, — a nd when you ge t him in

’
m us e

won t know him from

’
the sha fts a ga in, you a

’
m ouse .

The m en tion Of a m ouse, from som e sort Of a s s ocia

120 e x e rc is e s o n m e R OA D .

I t is tha t ver y a rg um ent , frien d, which s tirs up m y

concern . I ha ve sore fea rs tha t the vicious horse ha th

wa y with the hones t !

’
run a m an

A nd for m y pa rt , sir, I ha ve fea rs too, tha

— t the
”
vicious m a n ha s run a wa y with the hones t horse .

The benevolent Qua ker ga zed ea rn es tly a t m e for a

m inu te, s hook his hea d, pulled out the tra ct a ga in fro m

his pocket , hem m e d , put on his s pecta cles , he m m ed

a ga in, a n d forthwith , in a m ost solem n tone , com

w eneed a n ex tem pore s erm on on the tex t of Judge

"
no t , les t ye be j udge d . As I ha d la y a ppointm ents of

som e im porta n ce I ,
found m yself obliged to interru t p
him in the m iddle of his hom ily -
a nd with an a ppro
pris te a polog y, a nd a reitera tion Of the hope which ha d

g iven occa sion to the lecture, I took m y lea ve To a

m a n o f the w orld, I need not sa whi h of us proved

y c

to be in the rig ht ; but for the sa ke Of the d

chil ren of

sim plicity I , will give th e q

se uel . A bout a yea r a fter
wa rds , I encoun tere d our worthy Qua ker a t a public
m eeting in the m etro olis
p ; a nd he shook his hea d the

m om en t he sa wm e.

Thou wa s t correct, friend, he

”
sa i d, a la s, too cor
 s x s rcu us ON ru e R OA D . 19 1

rect , in thy j udgm e n t of the hones t m a n u on p Sa lisbury

Pla in . Of a s uret y , it w a s a fresh horse tha t drew m e

thither — a nd verily, I wa s n ecessita te d to buy m e a

f re s h horse to dra w m e ba ck a g a in .

'

rr s s s rr us n um n o s r us a s .
 T H E D EA D R O BB E RY .

H ere ’
s th a t will sa ck a city .
— He nry th e fi ft h

Os a ll the ca uses tha t in duce m a nkin d

To s trike a ga inst them selves a m orta l docket ,

Two em inen t a bove th e res t we fi nd

TO be in love, or to be out of pocket

Both ha ve m a de m a n y m ela n chol y m a rtyrs ,

of a ll the felonies de
’
B ut p rha ps , se,

By ponds , a nd pis tols , ra z ors, ro es , a n d

p g a rters,

Two thirds ha ve been through wa nt of a. d .

Thus ha ppen d it with

’
Pe ter Bun ce ;
Both in the dum p : a nd out of them a t on ce,

From a lwa ys dra w ing bla nks in Fortune s lottery ,

’

A t la s t, im pa tien t of the light of da y,

He m a de his m in d up to ret urn his cla y

Ba ck to the pottery .

ig ning a ra in
g t th tha t drove him m a d,
g oo
 H e toss d the m oul d to left a nd right,
’

The sha bby co mu ca m e in sight,

A nd d to his double
’
soon it open -
kn ocks,

When lo ! the s tiff un

"
tha t he thought to m eet,

Sta rts su dden up, like Js eky in - -

a - box ,

Upon his sea t!

A w a ken d from his

’
tra nce,

For s o the la uda num ha d wrough t by cha nce ,

Bunce s ta res up a t the m oon, n e x t looking le vel,

H e spies a sh a dy Fig ure, ta ll a nd bon y ,

Then shudders out these words A re you—the—De vil?

-

”
The Devil a bit of him , sa ys M ike M a honey,
onl
’
Im y d he re hOpin g no a ffront ,
’
com ,

To pick up honestly , a little blunt

Blun t ! e ch oes Bun ce , with a hoa rse croa k of

la ughter,

Why , m a h, I tum
’
d life s ’
ca n dle in the socket ,

W ithout a ra p in either pocke t,

”
of tha t sa m e blunt lookin g a fter !
’
For w a n t y ou re

”
Tha t s ’
true , sa ys M ike ,
a nd m a n y a prett y m an

Ha s cu t his s tick u pon your ver y pla n ,

N ot w orth a co pper , him a n d a ll his trum ps ,

A n d yet he ’
s fetch d ’
a da cen t lot Of s tuff;
 ra n D E A D R OB B ER Y . 125

Provided he wa s s oun d a nd fresh enough,

”
A nd dea d a s dum ps .

I ta ke quoth Bunce
, , with a ha rd w ink, the fa ct is ,

You m ea n a s u bj ect for a s urgeon s

’
pra ctice ,

I hope th e ques tion is n ot out of rea s on,

B ut j us t su ppose a lot of flesh a nd bone ,

For ins ta nce, like m y o wn,

W ha t m ight it cha nce to fetch no w, a t this sea son ? ”

Fetch is it a ns wers M ike, why prices differ ,

But ta king this s a m e s m a ll ba d j ob of ours ,

I k by the pow rs !
’
rec on ,

I
’
ve los t te n pound by your not being s tiffer !

Ten pounds Bunch echoes in a sort o f fl urry,

0 d z oun ds

Ten p ounds ,

H o w s wee t it soun s , d
"
Ten pounds !
A nd on his feet pp
u s ringing in a hurry

I t seem d the o e ra tion of a

p m inute
’

A little scuffle — th en a wha ck

Sna tche r s sa ck
’
A nd the n he took the Body
A nd poked him in it !
126 ru e D E A D n onns m r .

A ver y pa ntom im e for tricks a nd s trife !

la tely in Dea th s s tock,

’
See Bunce , so pa ssive
I nves ted , n ow a s a ctive a s a g riffi n,

W a lking — no ghost — in velveteen s a nd s m ock,

To sell a s tiff un !
’

A fla sh of red, then on e of blue ,

A t la s t like ligh thouse ,

, ca m e in view

B unce ra ng the n igh tbell ; wi e p d his highlows mu ddy ;

H is erra n d t ol d the sa ck prod u ced ;
A nd by a slee py boy w a s in troduced

To Dr O ddy , writing in his

. s tu dy .

The ba rga in did no t ta ke long tim e to set tle,

Ten poun ds
O dd z oun ds !
H ow w ell it s oun ds
”
T en pounds ,

Bunce s p a lm in soli d m e ta l
’ ’
Chink d into .

W ith j oy ha lf -
cra z e d,

’
It s ee m d s om e t rick of sen se , som e a ir
y ga m m on ,

H e g a z ed a nd g a z ed ,

A t la s t, pos sess d with the old lus t

’

of Ma m m on ,
 rn B D E A D R OB B E R Y . 127

Thought he, with wha t a ver y little trouble,

”
This little ca pita l I now m igh t double
A nother s cuffle of its usua l brevity ,

A nd D octor O ddy , in h is s uit Of bla ck ,

Wa s fi nishing, within the sa ck,

”
H is Thoughts upon Longevity !

The trick wa s done . W ithout a doubt ,

The sleepy boy le t Bunce a nd burthen out

Who com ing to a lone con venien t pla ce ,

’
The body s tripp d ; hid a ll the clothes ; a nd then ,

Still fa voured by the luck of evil m en ,

Found a new cus tom er in Dr . Ca se .

A ll m ore m in ute pa rticula rs to s m other,

L e t it s u flice,

Nine guinea s w a s the p rice

For which on e doctor boug ht the othe r ;

As on ce I hea rd a Prea ch er sa y in Guinea ,

You see how on e bla ck s in bring on a n udder,

Like little nigg e r p icka ninn y ,

A -
riding pick a —ba ck
-
u onp him m u dder !
Hum ph sa id t he Doctor, w ith a sm ile sa rca stic,

Seem ing to tra ce

Som e likenes s in the fa ce,

128 m s ne w s osss a r .

So dea th a t la s t ha s ta ken old Bom ba s tic !

B ut in the ver y m iddle Of his j oking,

The s ub e ct, s till un con s cious of the s coff

j
Seiz ed a ll a t with ba d fi t of choking
'

o nce a ,

H e too w a s ta ke n of !

Lea ving a fra g m en t O n the H oopin g Cough .

Sa ta n s till sen din g luck,

A noth er body foun d a no ther buy er :

For te n pounds te n the ba rga in ne x t w a s s t ru ck,

Dea d doctors g oing highe r .

Here , sa id th e purcha ser , with sm ile quite plea sa n t ,

Ta king a glim pse at his depa rted brother ,

’
H ere s ha lf a guin ea in the wa y of p resen t,

Subj ects a re s ca rce, a nd when you g e t a n othe r,

”
Let me be fi rs t . Bunce took him at his word ,

A nd su ddenly his Old a trocious trick did,

Sa cking M D t he third, . .

”
E re he m ul d furn ish H ints to the A fllicte d .

Flus h d w ith
’
success ,

B e yo n d a ll h ope or g ues s ,

H is ne w de a d -
ro bbery upon his ba ck ,
 r m : ns a n a o s s s a v . 129

Bunce l
pot d
t e — such high flig hts am bition ta kes,

To trea t the Fa culty like ducks a nd drakes ,

”
A nd sell them a ll ere th e y coul d utter Qua ck !
But Fa te Opposed— A ccording to the s chools,

Whe n m en becom e insuffera bly ba d ,

The gods confer to drive th em m a d

M a rch h a irs p
u on th e hea ds Of A pril fools !

Tem m ed by the Old dem on a va ricious ,

Bun ce tra ded On too fa r in to the m orning

'

Till nods, a nd winks , a nd looks , a n d si n s sus

g picious
E v n w ords m a licious,
’

Forced on him ra th er a n un plea sa n t wa rning .

G la d w a s he to perceive beside a ,
wicket,

A porter , orna m en te d with a ticke t,

Who did not seem to be a t a ll too bus y

Here , m y goo d m a n,

Just show m e, if you ca n ,

A doctor s— if
’
you wa nt to ea rn a tiz z y!

A wa y the porter m a rches ,

A nd with g ra ve fa ce, b q
O se uious precedes him
Down crooke d la nes , roun d corners , un er a rches
d ;
130 run o , w s a nner .
c

A t la st. up a n .
di m inish ed m isa ds him

A lm os t im pervious to the morning .

“I ,

There, tha t s a dccm

’
Th en shows door
’

a reckcq
’
a d,

rm right ”
w a s Bun ce . a s a ny ta m ;

A nother ven t ure— a nd then up I iv it !

g e

H e rings — the door, j ust like a ,fa r i y porta l ,

untouch d
’
Opens by m g rtel
-

H e gropes his wa y in to . a dingy 10 m

A n d hea rs a voice com e
gro wling throug h the gloom ,

Well— eh ?— W ho ? Wh a t ! — Spea k out a t once ! ”

”
I s till, sa ys Bunce ,

I ’
vc
g ot a s ort of a rticle to sel l;
M edica l gem m en knows m e very well .

B ut think I m a gina tion how it shock d hen

’

TO hea r the voice roa r out , Dea th ! Devil ! d n

— !

Confound the va ga bon d , he thinks I am

A rhu a r b b -
a nd m a g nesia
-
Doctor !
”
N O Doctor ! dropp d his j a w ,
’
ex cla im d Bun ce,
’
a nd

B ut loude r s till the voice bega n to bellow ,

Yea —
yes, — O d zounds — I a m a Doctor, fellow,
A t la w
 TH E DE A D ROBBE R Y.

d — Of things
’
The w ord suflic . Bunce fea red the m os t

( Nex t to a ghos t )
Wa s la w, -
Or a ny of the lega l corps ,

H e dropp d a t once his loa d

’
of flesh a nd bone
,

A nd, ca rin g for n o bod ,

y sa ve his own,

Bolte ,d— a n d live d securely till fours core .

From n ever trou bling Doctors a ny m ore !

A PP R O PR I A TI ON C L A USE .
 SPA NI SH PR I DE .

A YA R N .

I r wa s in the yea r 1812 — , th ere or tberea bouts , — for

’
I ca n t be m ore pa rticula r , s eeing a s how I kep t no

log, ex ce t m p y ow n hea d— but we wa s sen t to cruise

ofl the Spa nish

‘
coa s t in th e B a y of Bis ca y , with d
or ers

to m a k e ourselves a s com forta ble to the Dons, a nd a s

uncom forta ble to the M oun seers , as we coul d . Now

the French in their m a rches wa s oblig ed som etim es to

t rea d pre tty close to th e shore, a nd th en we pelted

a wa y a t them with our g un-
boa ts , w hich kept working

a long with them on a pa ra llel . Well , one da y it wa s

m y turn to ta ke a s ell in th e p boa ts ; a nd a s no s -em y

sigh t, L ufl, ther tha n be idle, ta kes it in
'
w a s in our ra

his hea d to go a nd overha ul a bit Of a ca s tle, a bout s

ble s leng th from the bea ch So we pulls right
’
ca . for
’

the la n d, a nd a pa rty of us , m vself for one, g oe s a shore

13 4 s es n i a n pa ws .

m a king up our m in ds to a s pree with him , in com es

the Lufl, a n d scra full grown bow to th e old Don,

'

pes a -

who re turne d it with the lea s t bit of a nod you eve

s ee d
. Finding m ch a sha bby wn of a m lute the

Le ft na n t took pull like, his ba cks ta ys a nd s too d

’

a , at ,

up a s s tifl a s he could, which wa s som ething m ore tha n

p
u ri ht, a s m uch a s to sa y, I perceive none Of m y
g
ba tters ; but the Don wa r nt of the sa m e Opinion for
’

he lea ne d over the ba ck Of his cha ir till it cra ck ed

a g a in ; while his chin seem e d looking o ver the

Left hea d
’ ’
Then the Left na nt s lews him self
’
na n t s .

ha lf a turn roun d to la b
r oa r d , a nd preten ds to he look

ing a t th e pictures , a nd the Don slews him self ha lf a

t urn to b
s ta r oa r d pretending to ta ke a in ch of s nufll
,
p
I t wa s a reg ula r m a noeuvrin
g to get the wea ther g ua ge

—a t la s t the Left
’ ’
of ea ch other s dig nity na nt p
O ens

w ith a com plim e n t , a nd the Don re turns it with the

biggest words he ca n pick , for he ta lked good dictiona ry

E nglish enou
gh . W e co uldn t ’
entirel y m a ke it out,

e x ce t p tha t he wa s a Don, two thousa nd yea rs old , a nd

sitt ing there to keep his own ca s tle a gin the French

the m ore fool he — with as ood a cha nce a s a bum ln a t

g
136 s es m s u PR I DE . !

tc him ! I go t a s ta ggerin g ra p on the pa te w ith th e

hilt, when it ca m e down a ga in . H e w a s the prou des t

beg ga r I ever see , out a n d out I took a n observa tion ,

whe n they m a rche d m

1 inla nd , tha t he a lwa y s forge d

a -
hea d of m e , if it wa s onl y th e brea dth of your ha n d ;
bes ides cutting through a fore m e, whe ne ver w e ca m e

to a na rrow wicke t or the like . A s for ta lkin g , h e

n ever o en e p d his lips wide enough for a cockroa ch to

q
s ueez e bet ween them , till we ca m e to the pris on a nd

then only p
to a x for a se a ra te cell a ll a lone to him self .

For m y own pa rts , thinks I , the m ore the m errier, a n d

I wa s fa r from cons a rn e d to fi n d the old D on lock e d

up a long with me not tha t he wa s s ocia ble t a ll, bu t

’
-
a

quite the reverse ; for he a lwa ys ga ve m e a s wide a

berth as the w a lls w oul d let him . H e took m igh t y

pa ins besides, , to s uaq t him s elf down the s a m e m om en t

tha t I did, fo r fea r of his sta n ding to m y sitting , — I
’
ca n t te ll y ou ha lf his Spa nish tri cks , to keep up his

i nit —
d g y, but one wa s a lwa ys to kee p to b
s ta r oa r d
a nd a nother to be e verla s tingly cover d in m pa n y
'

y com ,

whereby he a te , dra nk , a nd even p d

slee e in his
slou ch d ha t
’
. I t wa s the m ost diverting thing in life ,
136 s e s s rsu ra ins .

he hus tles m e a wa y from m y own hole tha t I h a d

,

picke d with m y own ha nds , to ge t out fi rst A s s oou a s

.

”
we were both outs ide , Now, C a va liero -
, sa ys I , s queez

ing m y voice into a sm a ll whisper, we m us t skulk pa s t

it w
”
the se ntr y -
’
s no you m ust , sa i d I , a nd

”
com e un der the sha dow ,
-
but the devil a bit he d
’

m a p,but s ta lked a lon g, bolt upright , like the ghost in

th e pla y , with the full m oon s hining , with a ll its

m ight , on his infa rna l rufl! L uck y for us , the sentr

y
ha d got his dea d lig hts ’
-
up, a nd coul n t see a ny thing d
but wha t he wa s drea m ing of, so we ge ts un diskivere d

to the ra rnpsrts . I ha d ma de p
a ro e o f m y sheets , a nd
ha d it fa st in no tim e , to one of the guns , then , m a n
-

ning the n tv for I knew wha t s ort of a cus to m e r

g g y,
a s

I ha d to dea l with , I scra ped m y best bow , a nd invited

the old Don to go down a fore m e . It wa s doing t he

ha ndsom e thing by him a ny h ow —but a fter ivin a

g g
look over, he furls up his a rm s one within a nother,

s nd tum s his bs ck on m y rope , as if it wasn t fi t to ’

ha n g a dog . I thought a t fi rs t a s how he fa ncied it

 s ea m en P R I DE . 13 9

d idn t look s trong enough

’

; but it wa s nothing a fter

a ll but his Spa n ish pride — Wha t do you th ink the old
’
s tiff- ba cked begga r s a id ? I don t Obj ect to the ro e , p
’ ”
sa y s he, nor I don t obj ect to esca pe , sa ys h e ; but

I ll s ta n d here till the da y of j ud m ys

”
be ,
’

g ent , sa

before I ll pe ys he , by le tting
’
esca , sa

do wn

‘l l l /

’
w no ss as m m .
 A G R IC U LT U R A L D I STR ESS .

A P A S TOR A L R EPOR T .

ON E Sunda y m orning — service done

M ongs t tom bs ton es shining in the
’
su n,

A knot of bum pkins s tood to cha t

Of th a t a nd this, a n d this a n d tha t ;

Wha t people sa id of Polly H a tch

Which s ide ha d won the cricket m a tch ;
A nd who w a s cotch
’
d, a nd who wa s bow l d
’

H ow ba rley bea n s a nd ta te rs sold

’
, ,

Wha t m en coul d s wa llow a t a m ea l

When Bum pstea d Youths would ring a pe a l

A n d who wa s ta ken off to j a il

A nd where th ey brew d the s tronges t a le

’

A t la s t this q ues tion they a ddress ,

Wha t s A gricultura l Dis tre ss

’

B OD c B .

For m y pea rt , it
’
s a thought 0
’
m ine,

I t be the fa n cy fa rm in line,
g
 A G RI C UL T URA L D IS TRE S S .

Like yonder gem m a n ,

-
him I m ea n,

A s took the Wills nigh the Green,

A n d turn d his ttle in the whea t ;

’
ca

A nd ga ve his porkers ha y to ea t ;

A nd sen t his footm a n up to town ,

To a x the Lounou gentry d own ,

To be so kind a s m a ke his ha y ,

E x a ctly St Sw ithin s da y ;
’
on .

W ith conse uen cesq y ou m a y g uess

H a gricultura l Dis tre ss

”
Tha t s ’
.

La s t M on da y m orning , M a s ter Blogg

Com d for to stick ba con hog ;

’
our -

B ut th hog he cock d kn owing ey e,

’ ’
a

why ,
’
A s if he twig g d the rea s on

A nd dodg d dodg d nu such a da n ce

’ ’
a nd
’
,

He did n t give the noose a cha n ce ;

’

80 M a s ter B log a t la s t la y s off,

A nd sha m s a ra ttle a t th e trough,

W hen s wis h ! in bolts our ba con hog -

A twix t the legs 0

’
M a s ter Blog ,

A n d flOps him down in a ll the m uck ,

A s ha dn t
’
been swept up by luck
 A N TO N ! » DI STRE SS .

Now tha t, a seordin

’
to m y gum s .
”
Be Ha grieulturs l M ao .

s i nus.

No, tha t t it, I tell ee fis t ;

’ ’
am

I bring wors er th a t !
’
ze a cs se rra
'

La st Frida y w eek, I ta kes a sta rt

To Rea ding , with w hom a nd ca rt ;

Well , when Ps a s et the

’
ta ters do wn ,

I m eets a cron y a t tbe C rc wn ;

A nd wha t betw ix t the a le a n d Tom ,

It s
’
da rk a fore I s ta rts for hom e

So whipping ha rd, by long a nd la te ,

A t la s t we rea ches nig h the ga t e ,

A nd, s ure enough, there M a s te r sta nd,

A la nte rn fla ring in his ha nd ,

W hy , Gils s,
’
a s ya be, wha t ’
s tha t nn thea r
’
?

chestnut
’
Yond horse bea n t m y boy
'
m en !

He
’
bea n t not wo rth a log o
’
Bes s !
’

There H a gricult ura l Dis trm !

’
s

Tha t s no thin
’

y e t, t o Tom
’
s m is ha p !
A go oing th rou h the a rd
-
poor cha p
g y , ,
 cs s r s s s r. Dis ru ss
sa sr . 163

When up he shies like hesd en ta ils ;

Nor would the Boil lot Tom a - be .
“
Till he ha d tose d the best a three ’

A nd there lies Tom with . broken horses ,

A j ob for Doctor Jones ;

’
s urgeon s

Well , Doctor J one s la ys down the la w,

There ’
s two cra ckt ribs , besides a j a w,
’
Ea t well, ys he stufl out
’

sa , your ca se ,

But how wa s Tom , poor cha p, to chow ,

Seeing how he d broke his

’
as ja w?
’
Tha t s sum m ut to the pint yes -
w
, y s,
e

Tha t H a griculntun l Distress !

’
s

I Vell, turn a nd turn a bout is ibis

Tom ba d a nough, a nd so s the m a re ;

’ ’
s

B ut nothing to m y loa
.
d of h a
y
You see, t wa s
’
ha rd on qua rter da y, -

A nd ca sh wa s wa nte d fo r the ren t ;

80 up to Lounou I wa s sent,

TO sell a s prim e a loa d of ha y ,

As dried on sum m er s da y
’
ever .
.
144 A G R I C UL TU RA L D I ST R E SS .

Well , s t a nding in Whitecha pel Roa d ,

A cha p com es up to buy m y loa d,

A n d looks , a nd looks a bout the ca rt,

cute a n d s m a rt
’
Preten ding to be

B ut no g rea t j udge, a s people sa y,

Ca us e why P he never s m elt the ha y
’
.

he ple cha p
’
Thinks I, as s a sim ,

He 1
1give
’
a sim ple price m a yha p ,

Such buyers com es but no w a nd then,

80 sla p I a x es nin e
’

pun ten .

Tha t s dea r ’

,
’
sa ys he, a nd pretty quick
H e ta ps his lea thers with his stick,

Suppose,
’
sa ys he , we wet our cla y ,

Jus t while we ba rgin bout the ha y

’ ’
.

So in we g oe s, m y cha p a nd m e

H e drinks to I , a nd I to he ;

A t la s t, sa y s I , a little ga y ,

It tim e to ta lk a bout tha t ha y

’ ’
s .

Nine pund, ’
sa ys he, a nd I ’
m your m a n ,

Live , a nd let live— for tha t ’

s m
y pla n ’
.

Tha t ’
s true , sa ys
’
I , but s till I sa y,
It s nine for tha t
’ ’
ha y
’ ’

pu n te n ere .

A nd so we cha flers for a bit,

'

A t long a nd la s t th e O dds we split ;

16 6 s o s lc nt r uu t m s r a s ss .

Which did n t ta s te the worse ’

, s urely ,

B ut lord ! when I la id down the note,

I t s tuck the victua ls in his throa t,

A nd chok d him till his fa ce a ll grew

’

Like pickling - ca bba ge , red a nd blue ;

With such big goggle eyes , Ods na ils !

They seem d air-com ing out lik e ils !

’
sna

A he, ha lf m a d with pa ss ion

’
note, s a
ys ,

Why , thou dom d fool? thou

’ ’
st took a fla s h

Now, wa s t tha t a pretty m ess ?

’
n

Tha t H a gricultura l Disness

’ ”
s .

com m .

Phoo ! phoo ! You ’

ne n othing nea r the thing !

You onl y a rgy in a i ng

r ;
’
Ca use why ? You n e ver ca res to look,

Like m e, in a n
y la rned book
B ut scholla rds know the wrong a nd right

Of every thing in bla ck a nd white .

W ell , Fa rm ing, tha t ’

s its com m on na m e,

A n d A griculture be the sa m e :
 A G RI C UL T URA L DISTR ES S .

Then wha t rem a ins — B ut one thin m ore,

g
A n d t ha t ’
s th e F a rm ing of the P oor

n on o n, n roo , a rm s, n os , 87 . s m oN .

Yea — a
y e — sur
e — for sa rtin —
y es !

H a gricultura l Dis tress !

’ ”
Tha t 3

wn o a n s ra m is n o r a s ua rt n s
 150 A N ra rs m us .

A version being a Trim m er , or, a s he des cribeth him ,

a M a n who sits on both Sides of th e House a t once .

H e holds the Em era l d Isle to be the brightest R uby in

the British Crown ; a nd recom m en s d E ngla n d a nd

Irela nd to unite in repea ling the Union . H e ha th a.

Schem e for re ducing Tithes from a Ten th to a Fifth

a n d a noth er for furthering the E duca tion of the Poor ,

by m ea n s of Sun da y Schools twice a IVeek .

In Hos pita lity he is Prince - like, for he giveth a ll he

”
ha th, though it be but a Pota to . I t is n ot m uch ,

he sa ith, but you a re a s welcom e a s the Flowers in

M a y, if it wa s twice as little .
”

I n A m ica lity, he will s tick to his Friend 80 long as

he ba th a stick to do it w itha l ; for he is n ot so m uch

a M e m ber of a Club , as a Club is a M em ber of him

to wit, his Shillela gh, which, as it ca nnot write written

H a nd , m a kes a lwa ys its M a rla — To see him in his

Glory , as the Fidus A cha tes of a ll M a nkind, you m us t

behold him at the Fa ir of Donn ybrook, where the

Hea ds look up a t the Cudgels , like a S cottish M a n a t

a n a ul d A cqua inta nce , when he sa ys unto him , Com e,

i a cks
’
g e s er
y cr
152 AN I R I SH I A N .

of Cha nce , but he is a pt to outrun it as well as his

o wn ; whereupon he beta kes h im self to Poteen , which

con soles him for his Single Blessedness by , m a king it

seem double . To conclu e, d he en ds , as he ha d lived ,

with Spirit ; for, ta king a Drop of th e Crea ture , he dies

lik e a Crea ture of the Dro p ; to wit , in a Rope ; for

why ? as he sa ith , I t is better to ha ng , tha n to be

”
dependent .

”
co st s , a n so us , P A D DY .
 D O M EST IC POEM S .

It ’
s ha m e, ha m e, ha m e .
-
A . Co m m uni s m .

The re
’
s no la c e lik h m — Cu
p e o e . a r .

I T ha s often been d
rem a rke — a n d never m ore likely
t ha n a fter hea ring John A nderson, m
y Jo,
”
sung by

Broa dhurs t , at a public dinner— tha t there is a s pecies

of Poetry , indigenous to Scotla nd, w hich m ight em

pha tica lly be ca lled Dom es tic . The L a n d of Ca kes is ,

in deed, peculia rly rich in song s a nd ba lla ds of hous e

hold interes t , which , like th eir s tock Tra g edy of

D oug la s , m a y be sa i d to be Hom e -
ma de . The Ca le
donia n M use does not m erel y ta ke a w a lk roun d the

prem ises specula ting

, on the dom es tic com forts , or dis
154 nou z s rrc s o m e.
'

within ; but she is invited a nd goes ba n, fa r hm ;

m a kes herself quite at hom e ; a nd is trea ted as one

the fa m ily
”
of She sits down like a o ip a s sh e is ,
.
, g ss

at the ingle si e ; d ta kes a peep into the m uckle pa t ;

pries into the cra dle ; a nd does n ot hesita te to s pier in to

the She
”
dubious pa renta ge of young wee Dona ld .

a u
g ges the m ea l tub - a nd inform s hers elf of the s tock

of siller in ha nd . There a re no secrets with her . The

g u ed wife a nd g u e m a n d unfold to her their m ost pri

va te a ffa irs . T hey describe to her how they slee p ,

with a pint s tou p a t their bed feet ; a n d confi de to

her a ll their pa rticula r tifi ca tions a nd grieva nces

g ra .

Johnny com pla ins of a wea ry pound of tow ,

-
tha t his

wife does not drink hooly a nd fa irly, -

a nd hints tha t

h e should not be sorr y to see the term a ga nt dished up

in her winding s heet t— Jea nie tells of hisex tra va ga nce,

-

in not wa nting to ta ke his old cloa k a bout him ; a nd

a sks coun sel on the sta te of his grey bre eks . The

Da ug hter, if she be at hom e, gets the M use in a

corner, lets her into the na m es a nd num ber of her

lovers ; des cribes the d
m o es a nd freedom s of their
 DO MESTI C POE M S. l 55

wooings a nd repea ts a ll their lo ve - nonsense ver a b tim .

In s hort, a Fa m ilia r of the I nquisition coul d n ot be

m ore fa m ilia r w ith a ll the recesses of their priva te life :

onl y wha t the M us e knows she publishes ; a n d, in the

s ha pe of ba lla ds a n d songs , s prea ds her hom e news ,

sca n a l a n d a ll,
d throughout the pa rishen .

The E nglish , on the con tra r y ,

ha ve fe w Poem s o f
this na ture . The M use does n ot sing like a cricke t

from our h ea rths a nd with an a bunda nce of hom e m a de -

wines , we ha ve s ca rcely a h om e m a-
de song . This is

a g a p in our litera ture , a va ca n t sh elf in our Fa m ily

Libra ry , tha t ought t o be fi lled up . I ca n not s u ppose

tha t we a re n a tiona lly defi cient in the fi reside feelings

a n d hom ily a fi ections which inspire a dom es tic ditty

'

but ta ke it for gra n ted , tha t the vein e x is ts , though it

ha s not been w orked . I n the hope of dra wing the a t

Ba rds to the subj ect , I ven ture to ofi er a

‘
tention of o ur

few p
s ecim en s of Dom es tic Poem s , s uch a s —
”
to u se

d
th e wor s of D octor W a tts I wis h so m e ha ppy a nd

d
con es cen ding Genius would un erta ke a nd
d perform
”
m uch better .
 B Y II E NE A L R E TR OSPE OTI ONI .

0 Ka te ! m y dea r Pa rtner , throug h j oy a nd through

W hen I look ba ck a t Hym en s dea r da y ’

,

Not a lovelier bride ever cha ng d to

’
a wife;

Though y ou re no w
’
so o ld, wizen d,
’
a nd g re y!

Those y
e es , then , w ere sta rs , shining ru ers of
l fa te !

But as liquid a s s ta rs in a pool ;

Though now they dim , they a ppea r, d K
’
re s o m y ea r a te ,

Jus t lik e g oos eberries boild for a fool ! ’

Th a t bro w wa s like m ar ble , s o s m ooth a n d s o fa ir ;

Though it wrinkled so crookedl y now

’
s ,

A s if Tim e, w hen thos e furrows w ere m a de by the sha re ,

Ha d been tipsy whilst driving his plough !

Your nose , it wa s s uch a s the scul tors a ll chose ,

p
W hen a Venus dem a nded th eir skill
’
Thoug h n ow it ca n ha rdly be reckon d a nose,

B ut a sort of Poll Pa rro ty bill !

-
 no u s s ri c
'
roa ms . 15 7

Y our m outh it wa s then quite

, a ba it for th e bees ,

Such a n ecta r there hun g on ea ch lip

Though no w it h a s ta ken tha t lem q

on- like s ueez e ,

N ot a blue bottle
-
com es for a s ip

Y our chin , it wa s one of Love s ’

fa vourite ha unts ,
From its dim ple he coul d not ge t loose ;
Though now th e n ea t ha n d of a ba rber it wa n ts ,

Or a sing e, lik e the brea st of a g oos e !

H ow rich were those locks , so a bunda n t a nd full ,

W ith their ringle ts of a u urn s o b deep !

Th ough now the y look only like friz zles of wool,

By a bra m ble torn off from a shee p !

Tha t neck , n ot a s wa n coul d ex cel it in gra ce ,

While in whiten ess it vied with your a rm s ;

’
Though n ow a gra ve kerchief y ou properly pla ce ,

To concea l tha t s cra g en d of -

your cha rm s !

Your fi gure wa s ta ll, the n, a n d perfectly s tra ight ,

Though it now ha s two twis ts from u right

p
B ut bless y ou s till bless y ou m y Pa rtn er ! m y Ka te !

Though y ou be su ch a perfect old frigh t !

158 us
-
no uns rt e m .

II .

The sun wa s slum bering in the Wes t .

On A n na s soft a n d l brea st
’

gen t e

M y hea d reclin e d at la s t

clos d
’
The da rkness a roun d , so dea r
To fond congenia l s ouls,

A nd thus she m urm ur d a t m

’

y ea r,

”
M y love, we re out of coa ls !
’

T ha t M is ter Bond ha s ca ll d a ga in,

’

I nsisting on his ren t ;

A nd a ll the Todds a re com ing up

To see us, out of Ken t

I quite forgot to tell you John

H a s ha d a tipsy fa ll

I m sure there s som e thing i

’ ’
g o ng on

With tha t vile M a ry Ha ll! ”

Miss Bell ha s bought the sweetest silk,

A nd I ha ve bought the res t

Of cours e, if we g o out of town.
Southend will be the bes t .
160 no us s rlc ro a st s.
'

Untouch d by sorrow, a nd unsoil d by sin

’ ’

( Good hea v ns ! the child is s wa llowinga

pin !

Thou little tricks y Puck !

With a ntic to s so y funnily bes tuck ,

Light a s the singing bird tha t wings th e a ir

( The door ! the door ! 1tum ble down the s ta ir

he 1 ’

Thou da rling of thy sire !

( Wh y Ja,n e , h e ll set his

’
pina fore a -
fi re

Thou im p of m irth a nd j oy

In Love s dea r cha in so s trong a nd bright a

’
link,

Thou idol of thy p a rents — ( B ra t the boy !

There goes m y in k ! )

Th ou che u
r — b but of ea rth ;

Fit pla yfellow for Fa ys by m oonlight pa le , ,

I n ha rm les s s port a n d m irth,

Th dog will bite him if h e pulls its ta il ! )

( a t

Thou hum a n hum m ing -

bee, e x tra cting honey

From y blossom in the world tha t blows

’
ev r ,

Sing ing in Youth s ’

Ely-um ever sunn y ,

( A nother tum ble — th a t

’
s his pre cious nose !)
162 o o u a s rrc Po s u s .

Thou pretty opening rose !

( Go to your m other , chil d , a nd wipe your n os e !
Ba lm y a nd brea tlnng m us ic like the South,
’

( H e rea ll y brings m y h ea rt into m y m outh !)

Fresh a s the m orn, a nd brillia nt a s its s ta r,

( I wis h tha t win dow ha d an iron ba r ! )

Bold as the ha wk, ye t gen tle as the dove ,

( I ll tell you wha t, l

’
m y ove,

I write, unless he bove !

’
ca nnot s sen t a

IV .

a ss n m u m s

Lulla by , oh, lulla by ! ”

Thus I hea rd a fa ther cry ,

L ulla by, oh, lulla by !

The bra t will never shut a n eye

Hith er com e , s om e power divine !

Close his lids, or open m ine !
”

L ulla by, oh, lulla by !

Wh a t the devil m a kes him cry P

L ulla by , oh, lulla by !
Still h e s ta res— I won der wh
y,
A T O TA L P
EC L I S E TH E SO N .
16 4 ho rss s r rc ro a st s .

Lulla by , oh . lulla by !
Sleep his ver y looks deny
Lulla by , oh, lulla by ;
Na ture soo n will s tupify

My nerves rela x ,— m
y y
e es gro w dim

Who ’
s tha t fa llen — m e or him ?

’
us a s s A
 JOH N JONES .

A PA TH E TI C B A LLA D .

”
I sa w the iron e nter in to his sonl . - Sm ts
1 .

Jon N J ores s he wa s a builder s clerk ’

,

On nine t y pounds a yea r ,

Before his hea d w a s engin e- turn

’
d

To be a n engineer !

For, fi nding tha t the iron roa ds

W ere quite the public ta le ,

Like R obin Redbrea s t , a ll his hea rt

Wa s set u on a ra il.
p

But oh ! his schem es a ll en e dd ill,

As schem es m ust com e to nought,

With m en who try to m a ke short cuts ,

When cut with som ething sh ort .

 JOH N JO NE S .

H is a ltitudes he did n ot ta ke,

Like a ny o th er elf ;

B ut fi rs t a s p irit level took

-
,

Tha t levell d him him self

’
.
,

Then g etting up , from left to right

So m an y ta cks he m a de ,

The ground he m ea nt to go u on p
Go t y well survey d
’
ver .

H ow cro ws m a fl
y y he did n o t ca re

A s ingle fi g to know

H e wis h d to m a ke a n iron d
’
roa ,

A nd not a n iron cro w .

80 , going to the Rose a nd Crown ,

To cut his s tudies sh ort,

The nea res t wa y from p int to pin t,

H e found wa s through a qua rt .

A ccording to this rule he pla nn d

’

H is ilroa d
’
ra o er a cup ;

B ut w hen he ca m e to la y it down,
No so ul w ould ta ke it up !
 JOH N JO NES . 16 7

A la s ! n ot his th e wily a rts

Of m en a s shrew d a s ra ts ,

W ho out of one s ole leve l m a ke

A precious lot offla t:

In va in from Z to crooked S ,

H is devious line he show d ; ’

For som e directer roa d .

The writers of the public press

A ll sneer d a t his design
’

A nd pen n y liners wouldn t give

’
-
a -

A penn y for his line .

Yet s till he urge d his da rling schem e ,

I n spite of a ll the fa tes ;

U ntil a t la s t his zigz a g wa ys

Quite brought him into stra its .

H is m on e y gone , of course he sa n k

In debt from da y to da y,

H is wa y would not pa y him -

a nd s o

He coul d not pry his ws v .

 JOH N JO NE S.

Sa id he, a ll pa rties run m e down

H o w bitter is m y cup

M y la ndlord is the onl y m an

Tha t ever runs m e up !

A nd he begins to a n: of scores,

A nd then he ra il d a Fortune , since

’
t

He coul d not ra il a t York !

The m orrow , in a fa ta l noose

They foun d him ha nging fa st

This sentence s cri bbled on the wa ll,
’ ”
I ve got m y line a t la s t !

Twelve m en upon the body sa te ,

A nd thus, on oa th, did sa y,

We fi nd he got his gra d ,

’
ca use

”
He couldn t ha ve his wa y
’
.
 ODE

TO M E SS RS . G RE E N, H O L L O ND, A ND M O NC K DI A SON, O N

T H E I R L A TE B A L L O ON E XPE DI TI O N .

H e re we go up, up, up,— a n d the re we go do wn, down,

downy . — O r n B A L LA D
. .

O lofty -
d d
m in e m en

A lm ost beyond the pitch of m y goos e pen !

A nd m ost infla te d words !

Delica te A riels ! e therea ls -

birds
Of pa ssa ge ! fliers ! a ngels without wings !

Fortuna te riva ls of I ca ria n da rings !

M a le witches, without broom sticks ,— ta king
-

Kites — without strings !

17 0 o ne .

V ola tile spirits ! light m ercuria l hum ours !

0 give us soon your sky a dven tures truly ,

A ll flying rum ours !

Tw o legg d high fliers !

'
- -

Wha t upper s tories

-
you m us t ha ve to tell !

A nd b dy
no o ca n contra dict you well ,

Or ca ll you lia rs !

Your Re g ion of Rom a n ce will m an y cove t ;

Besides tha t , y ou m a y s cri bble wha t you will,

A nd this grea t luck will wa it u onp ou

y , s till

A ll criticism , y ou will be a bove it !

Write , then, M ess rs M cuck M a s on, H ollond,

.

Gree n
’
A nd te ll us a ll you ha ve, or ha vn t seen

!
’
T wa s kin d, whe n the ba lloon we nt ,
out o f to wn ,

To ta ke M on ck M a son up a nd se t him down ,

For when a gen tle m a n is a t a shift

For ca rria ge — ta lk of ca rt s a n d i
gg ,
s a n d coa ches !

Nothing to a ba lloon a pproa ches,

For g ivin g one a lif t
 o ns . 17 1

0 whe n M r Frederick Gye

sa y , .

a s e ck— a m o te — in frien ds hip s eye,

’
Seem d bu t
’
p
Did an
y tong ue confess a sort of dry ness
Seem ing the soa ring ra s hn ess to re uke ; b
O r did ea ch feel him s elf, like Brunswick s Duke,
’

A M os t Serene H ighness !

Sa y , a s you cross
’
d the Cha nnel ,

W ell clothed in well a ir d lin en -

’
a nd wa rm fla nnel,

H ow did your com pa ny perceived a fa r , ,

A flect the ta r
'

M ethinks I s ee him cock his wea ther e ye

A ga ins t th e sky,

Turning his rum in a ting quid full oft ,

W ith wonder sudden ta ken a ll a ba ck

My e yes ! sa ys he,

blow d if there
’
I t tlzree 1
’ ’
m a rn

Three little Cherubs sm iling up a loft,

”
A wa tching for
-
poor Ja ck !

Of cours e, a t such a heig ht , the ocea n

A ffected no on e by its m otion

17 2 o ne .

B ut did interna l com fort dwell with ea ch ,

Quiet a nd ca se ea ch com forta ble skin in ?

Or did brown H ollon d of a su dden blea ch
A s white as Irish linen ?
Cha nging his na ti e v hue ,

Did G reen look blue

I n short wa s P rha ps M onck M a son

'
a n y a ir- sick
!

Wa s forc d to hu m
’
a n a ir -

pum p in a ba son !

Sa v, with wha t sport, or plea s ure ,

M ight you fi ll up your lofty leisure

Like Scotchm a n, a t High j inks !

Hi h
( g pys - wa s an a ppm pria te ga m e m e

O r ca rds— but pla ying ver y high

Or skying coppers, a lm ost to the sky

Or did you lis ten, the fi rst m orta l ea rs

Tha t ever dra nk the m usic of the s pheres

O r m ight you into voca l m usic t
g ,
e

well a llow d,
’
Or, a s the a ltit u e sod
”
Percha nce , y ou blew a clou d .
17 4 o na .

Sa y, a fter y our ga s tronom y ,

Kept you a wa tch a ll n ig ht,

M a rking the pla ne ts brigh t,

Like three m ore A irys, s tudying a s tronom y

Or n ea r the m idnight chim e,

Did som e one ha ul his nigh tca p on his hea d,

Hold out his m ounte d wa tch , a nd sa

y hig h

To g o to bed ?

Didn t your com ing

’
sca re

The b
so er Germ a ns , un til every ca p

Ro s e lifted by a frighten d fell of ha ir ;

’

M ea nwhile the ver y pipe , ma yha p ,

E x ting uish d, lik e the vita l s p a rk in dea th

’
,

From won der locking up the sm oker s

’
brea th !
Didn t they
’
crouch like chickens , when t he kite

H overs in sight ,

To see your vehicle of huge dim ension

A loft , like G ulliver s
’
La puta — na y,
I ’
d better sa y ,

Th e I sla nd of A scension 1 ’

W ell wa s it pla nn d ’

T
o com e down thus into the G erm a n la n d,
 O DE . 17 5

W here Honours you m a y s core by such e ven t,

For, if I rea d the prophes y a right ,

You li ha ve the E a gle

’
-
Order for your flight ,

’
A n d a ll be Von d beca use
, of your des ce nt

wa n m u . ra t w as no s ex r ?
 t w -
a i n a ss t Om i t

A Co ncise H is to ry of the M e m bers of bo th H o u ses of

Pa rlia m e n t, the ir C on nex ion s , P urs u its , & c . W ith a Sy n o p

t ica l Ta b le o f the ir Votes o n t he L ea ding Q u es tio ns a n d P rin

e ipe l D ivis io n s , fro m the D ivis io n o n t he R e fo rm B ill to t h e

prese n t Pe riod ; Pa rticula rs o f the la te E le ctio n s ; A Sta t e

m ent o f the G ross N u m ber po lle d o n e a ch D a y a t t he se ve ra l

C o n tes ts in I re la nd ; Su m m a ry o f the Num be r o f M e m be rs

re turne d in ea ch C o u n ty ; A n A bstra ct o f the g ra d ua l A ltera

t io n in the R e prese n ta t ion o f t h e H o use of C o m m o ns , fro m

the R e ig n o f Ed wa rd the Firs t ; A g ra dua ted Sca le o f the
N u m be r of Vo te rs A
in the
; L is t o f Unite d
th e Kin g do m
B o ro ug hs e n fra n chis e d a nd dis fra n chise d by the R e fo rm B ill ;
The M e m be rs o f the fo rm e r a n d the la te Pa rlia m e n t w ho h a ve
not bee n t e - e le c te d ; The Na m es of those by w ho m t he prin

e ipe l M in is te ria l A ppo in t m e n ts ha ve be e n fi lled fo r n e a rly t he

la s t C e n t ury ; A nd a n A na ly s is o f the re la tive Stre n g t h o f th e

t wo g re a t Po litica l Pa rties in the H o us e o f C o m m o ns .

By R . B M o ss s , E sq
. .
,
Pa rlia m e n ta ry A g e nt .

N um b
h a v e een th e Pa rlia m en ta r G u ides ,
ero us a s Pocket C o m y ’

p a n io ns ,
’
Dire cto ries , ’ ’
A ss is ta n ts , a n d I nst ruct ors pu lis h ed s ince b
t h e pa ss in g o f th e R e fo rm B ill, we ca n pos itivel a s s ure a ll th os e wh om it y
m a y co nce rn , t h a t a wo rk o f t h e k in d in a ll resp e cts so co m pre h ens i le , so b
b
v a lu a le , s o co m ple te , a n d so ex ce llen t a s th is , h a s no t be tb re een pre b .

s en ted to t h e co un tr y
T h e ch a n g es e fi ec ted in th e re presen ta t io n o f th e
.
’

co un tr y by y
t h e R e fo rm a n d B o u nda r B ills , a re d e fi n ed with a s t onis h ing
a ccura cy . b
A fter a m a ss o f th e m os t va lu a le info rm a t ion , t h e im po rta nce
o f which to t h e e lect ive od b y
ca n n o t be o ve rra te d , t h e wo rk con ta ins t h e
w h o le o f th e s ta nd ing ord ers o f t h e t wo H o u s es o f Pa rlia m en t N o e lecto r .

sh o uld be with o ut th is in va lua le little vo lum e

" —
b 8un , A ug 7, 1835 . . .

T h e re is in M os se s Pa rlia m enta ry G uide a m o re e x ten s ive m a ss o f

’

we ll d iges te d p ra ct ica l info rm a tio n , t ha n in a n y o th er co m pen d ium o f th e

-

k ind t h a t h a s fa llen und e r o ur no tice We s h o uld reg a rd it a s a n ind is pen

.

b b
sa le o o k o f refe ren ce t o e ve ry on e con n ec ted n e a rl o r rem o te l wit h y y
y
Pa rlia m e n ta r a fi a irs — Cb urt Jo urna l, A ug 8. 1835
” '

. . .

A very c0 p lou s a n d us e ful G u ide , co m p reh e nd ing a ll th a t wa s

in fo rm er rod u c t io ns o f th e
p "—
sa m e cla ss , with m ore s u pplie Mr d by
'
osse s . M
o w n in t e lh g en ce L itm ry Ga z e tte
. .

Se ve ra l N e w E d itio n s o f t h is Wo rk a re pu blish ed in th e
co u rs e o f e a ch Se ss io n , w ith the la tes t co rre ctio ns .
 TB S

R E SO U R C E S A N D S T A T I ST I C S O F N A TI O N S .

E x hibiting the G eo g ra phica l Pos it io n a nd Na tura l B es o ur

ces ; the A rea a nd Po pula tio n ; t he Po litica l Sta tis tics , ia
clu din g G ove rn m e n t, R e ve n u e , a nd E x pe n ditu re ; th e C ivil,
M ilita ry, a nd Na va l A ffa irs ; the M o ra l Sta tis tics , includin g
R e lig io n , a nd E du ca tio n ; the M ed ica l Sta tis tics, includin g
C o m pa ra tive M o rta lity , & c a n d th e E co no m ica l S ta tis tics ,
.

including A gricultu re, M a n ufa c tures , Na vig a t io n , Tra de , & c .

of a ll Na tions .

B y Jo a n Ma ,
E s
q,
c c a tso o a F o f L o n d
.o n a n d P.a ris ;

M e m be r o f the So cié té R o y a le d A g ric u lt u re , M a n u fa ct ure

’

’
et C o m m e rce , A utho r o f B rit is h A m e rica ,
Mr M a cg reg o r s work is ca re fully co m pile
.
'
fro m th e es t e x is ting d b
a u th orities . a n d , consequ e nt l , is a s p e rfe ct a s it cou l be m a d e . in t h e
y d
p rese n t s ta te o f s ta t is t ica l s c ie n ce ; b u t m u ch , v er m u ch rem a ins to be y
b b
do ne e fore we ca n o ta in a n y a cco un t o f t h e R eso urces a n d S ta tis t ics o f
Na tio ns , a pproa ch ing to a tole ra le d egree o f a ccura c b ”
— 4t hem e um y . . .

I f th is work be con tinued in th e s t le of its com m encem e n t , it w ill y

be o f essen t ia l use to th e po liticia n a n d m a n o f bus in ess — Sua da y Tim es
”
. .

i n term s o f dese rv ed p ra is e we no ticed t h e 0 ing port io n o f M r .

M ’
a cg reg or s proj ec t T h e p la n is a d m ira l la id o wn . a n d th e n um ber
.
y b
before us is a sa t is fa ct h p ro o f o f t h e A u th or a ca re a nd a ility in wo rk ing b
it on Week ly True un .

We do no t know t h a t we ever m e t wit h a work so full o f u se ful m a t

te r. Wh a t m ult itudes o f v olum es m ig h t be a nd n o dou bt h a ve be en , ,

e la bora te d fro m th e m a teria ls be fo re us Wh a t m ria d s o f s pe ech es T h is . .

work m ig h t be lled
t h e po lit icia n s tex t boo
ca S ca rce ! a ny s u j ect
'
-
b
th a t ca n co m e b
e fo re a se n a te . bu t m a y be fo un d h ere e h a ve ee n . b
d y
ex t rem e a ccu ra c , t erseness. a nd y e t clea rness dis pla e
s to nis he a t th e yd
throug h out. — L incoln Ga zet te
”
.

I n O n e V o l fca p 8vo
. . .
, p rice 6s .
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M O D E R N A N T I Q U I T Y ,

A nd o rn s n ro a st s
'
.

B y the la te R e vere nd C . C . C o nro rr, A uth or o f L a co n ,

&c . &c .

T o th e Poem s o f th e la te R ev C C o lton a m ela nch ol interes t

’
. . y
b
a t ta ches , a s we ll fro m th e ir in t rins ic ea u ties , a s from t h e eculia r cir
cu m s ta nces un der wh ich m a n y
o f th em were writ te n ey .

y
a ll t h e o rigina lit o f t h ou g h t , a ll t h e b
o ld ness a n d force of e x press o n for
wh ich M r C o lton s L s cou is rem a rka le , a nd, in ee ,
’
. b
ea r a clos e re d d b
b
sem la nce t o th e a ph o ris m s o f th a t ce le ra t ed wo rk , possess in g a ll its b
k eennesa o f e pig ra m m a t ic po in t a nd richness in j us t a nd a ppm pria te
sim iles Th e na m e o f t h e ir a u t h o r will be a s uffi cien t pa s sport to p o p u
.

la x it
"—
y New M on thly M a g a z in e , A ug us t 1, 1836
. .
 A TR EA TISE
0 8 TI !

C A I -C U L U S .

, E sq , o f L inco ln s I n n , la te
’
B y Jo a n Bu tt . Fe llo w -
of St .

Joh n s C o lle g e , C a m bridg e ;

’

A nd the Re v Th orn s L un a , M A , Fe llo w

. . . of St . Jo hn
’
s

C o lleg e , C a m bridg e .

This D a y is P ublishe d, in clo th boa rds , price 155 .

TH E COM E D I E S O F A R ISTO P H A NE S,

Tra ns la ted into C o rres po n din g E n g lish M e tre s ;

B y B E NJ A M I N D a m : W A LS H , M A , . .

Fello w o f Trin ity Co lleg e, C a m bridg e .

I n Three Vo ls . V ol . I .

A ris to h a nes , th e m ost inge nious m a n of a n a ge th a t wa s tbrt ile of

gre a t w it s .
p— R iclna vd B en tley ,

Jus t Publis he d in Thre e Vo ls . Pos t 8vo .

S C E N E S A N D S T O R I E S,
By a CL a a on uN m Da a r.'

Writte n d uring his C o n fine m en t in the D ebto r s Pris o n

’
.

T h e bo ok itself is well written , con ta ins m a n y us em l, th oug h t o so m e

perso ns uu ta ble tru ths : it w ill re pa y th e no vice fo r its perus a l, by
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h im wit h a p ict ure o f da ng ers pa ss ed Th e se crets o f th e prison h o use
.
g -

h t to be fully ex posed , a nd , we h a ve no do u bt . th eir ex position in t h is

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p .

Pos t s ro . 2s 6 d
. .

THE D R E A M o r E UG E N E a a a u ,

TH E M URDE RE R .

B y Ta on a s H oo n , E sq .

m
a s sed w ith D es ig n s o n Wood , by W HA I VE Y .
Pa rlia m em
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A v er y cE
‘
ng ra ve d by B a a x s ro n a n d W a rs m .

in form er prod ut
”
o wn in t e llig e n e
c .

ls ca p 8vo w ith Pla tes , price l s

“C
1
Se ve ra l Np t
.
, ,
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co u rs e o i A TTL E o r TH E A NNUA L S,
A FR A G M E N T .
 C OM M I B C I A L W OR K S.

Jus t publishe d, in 8vo ,, price 9 3

A G U I D E T O M A R I NE I NSU R A NC E S ,

C o nta in ing the Po licie s o f the Principa l Co m m e rcia l To w ns

in the World . With C la uses pro per to be ia
t he D eta ils of

set ted the re in , in o rde r to a vo id th e in co n ve n ie nces tha t m ig ht

res ult fro m pa rt ic ula r L a w s a n d C u s to m s , o r from a n y O m is

i
s on o f C onditions in the printed C o ntra cts a lsoC o m pa ra tive
Ta b les , e x hibiting a t a g la nce the principa l co ndit ion s o f t he

se vera l Po licie s, a n d the ris k s w a rra n te d by the m L a s tly ,

.

th is Volum e co nta ins R e m a rk s on the m ut ua l re la tio n be twe en

the I n s ured a nd I ns u rers .

By J . Va ne s s a ,
E sq .

Th is Boo k con ta ins cop ies o f th e P olicies o f th e

T owns in th e World i t is a work t h a t wa s very m u
. a nd wh ich
w ill be fo un d o f g re a t us e t o a ll M
erch a nts enga ge d in Fo re ig n C o m m erce
”
.

— 8tesen e on A vera g es .

M r Va
. y d
uch er ha s certa in l ca rrie ou t, in h is wo rk , a ll th e et a il tha t d
y y
wo uld be n a t ura ll im plied fro m h is in tro d u cto r observa t ions . H is sta te
m en ts a re a t once a ccura te a n d concise , a n d th eir will a m ply re
pa a ll wh o a re in te res ted in M
a rin e i ns ura ncess , w e th er a s un de rwriters
o r na m e d A nd we ca nnot a
. too h ig hly e ithe r of th e g e nera l a rra ng e
m en t o f h is inform a t ion o f t e m ode a nd va rie t y o f efe rences m a de or
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r .

o f h is ta bula r com pa risons — M a m ing Ne w : a nd Public Ledg er

”
. .

I n 1 V o l 8vo . . boa rds , price 5 5 6 d . .

,

A N E S SA Y O N A R B I TR A T I O N;
M ore pa rticula rly as it re la tes to Co m m erce a nd M a rine I n
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E ditio n , in w hich th e L a w a nd the Pra ct ice a re bro ug ht do wn
t o the pres e n t Da y .

B y R ona “ Srm n s, E sq .
,
 E L L I S S ’

L A W S T H E C U S TOM S ;
m ro ua vo w u a s ,

E A C H S O L D S E PA R A T E .

VOL . I .

TH E

LA WS A N D P R A C TI C A L R E G U L A TI O N S,
W ith E x em plide d Form s,

O N E VE R Y S UB JE C T C O N N E C T E D W I TH

1
51m m !)
She win g wha t is re uis ite
q to be do ne , fro m the B uildin g of

a V esse l to the co m m e n ce m e n t o f he r fi rs t Vo ya g e ; a nd w ha t

Q ua lifi ca tio n s he m ust co n tin ue to po sse s s, in o rder t h a t s he

n a ble d to e n o y the P rivile ges o f B ritis h Sh ip ; a nd

m a y b e e j a

em bra cing , a m o ng s t o th ers , the follo w in g j

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dee m e d to

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’

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V oya g e fro m the U nite d King do m to th e diffe re n t Po rts e nu

m e ra te d in the L ist , a nd ba ck C o ns tructe d Ta ble s of the fo l

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or

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cording to the nu m ber of Pe rso ns on boa rd, a nd th e Proba ble

D ura tio n o f th e Vo y a ge o ut a nd H om e ; & c & c &.c . .
 VOL . II .

TH E

LA WS A N D P R A C T I C A L R E G U L A TI O
w rm E x E M PL I F lE D F O R MS .

C O N NE C T E D WITH

fl a hig a ttott a ns G a m m a ;
V I 2.

L a ws R e la tin g to t he I m po rta t io n , E x po rt a tio n , Wa re

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C lea ra n ce of Ves se l ; Tra ns h ipm e nt o f G ood s ; B o n d No te s ;
C ock e ts ; S m u gg lin
g ; &c &c
. .

WA TER -
SI D E
A ND GENE R A L PR A C TIC E

m ) : c us tom s ;
VI Z .

R e g u la tions fo r the A ppo in t m e n t, I n s truct io n , a n d C o n

d uct o f the O ffi ce rs o f the C us to m s ; A Sta te m e nt o f Va rio us
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E x a m ina tio n , a nd D e livery Foreig n G o ods ; Ta bles o f
of

Ta re s a n d o the r A llo wa n ces to w h ich the M e rch a n t is e n t itle d

a cco rd ing t o pre se nt Pra ctice ; a n d a D es criptive A cco un t o f

t h e G e n e ra l A
ppea ra n ce , D is tinct ive M a rk s , the C o untry o f
Prod u c tio n , a nd the U s e s to w h ich co m m o n ly a pplie d, o f th e
P rin cipa l A rticles of Com m e rce , &c &c &c . . .
 ’

10 N EW WO R K S P UB L I S H E D B Y

I n 8vo . se w e d, ri
p ce ls .
, ,

M A R I N E I N S U R A N C E S .

The ir I m po rta n ce , t he ir R ise , Pro gres s , a n d D ec line ,

a n d the ir C la im to Fre e do m fro m Ta x a tio n ,

B y Ja n a s B i s cn o rr .

d y
T ra e h a s a lwa s been th e es t s up b a rt o f a ll N a tio ns .
clpa l ca re of th e wises t " L ord Chest er
’
. -
0 Sp eech , Oct 8, .

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A N S WE R S so w e Q U E ST I O N S
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OL D A ND NE W T E S T A M E N T,
I N TW O PA R TS.

Prin cipa lly des ig ne d fo r D ivinity Stude n ts ,

B Y T HE R E V S A . MU E L T E N I SO N M O SS E ,

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FR ITH IOF S S A G A TH E L E G E ND
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, OR
O F F R I T H I O F,
By E za ra s Ta o Na a , t ra ns la te d fro m the G erm a n.

Th is is a g rea t Poem .
”
— S un .

T his Work is em in en tl y entitled to p ublic fa vour .

"—
L itera ry G a zette .

I n foo ls ca p 8vo .
, clo th, price 73 . Seco nd E ditio n .

N UTS TO C R A C K;
on,

G un s , o ut a z a , A NE C DOT E S , A N D FA C ETI B o r o x ro a n A N D
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d Q
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B y the A uthor qf Fa cetice Ca rua brig ien sis, ‘ ‘
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BY
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W O R KS O N C H E SS

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B UBLI S H ED B Y

A . H . B A I L Y 8. C o .
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G uide u p the R hine

G uide to Pa ris , seve n th edition

G uide thro ug h Fra nce

G uide to St Pe te rs burg
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Ne w B e lg ium G uide
Brussels G uide
C oa s t Co m pa nio n , com ple te in one volum e

D itto in Pa rts , viz .

G uide to G ra vese nd, H ern e B a y, a n d C a n terb ury

D itto to M a rg a te , R a m sg a te , a nd D o ve r
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Pictu re of L ondo n
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A Visit toLo ndo n , o r Stra nge rs G uide
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G erm a n I nte rpre te r
Te n M inutes A dvice
’
on a Se a Voya g e
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I m proved .

Do . A G uide to B e lg ium .

A G uide to S w itz erla n d .

A N e w Picture of L on do n .