UAIS PRESS
PAGE 2
1985
By: Eric Krysinski
This just in! Finally, all High School
newspapers have been banned! Several
international organizations have de-
cided to band together and fight the
garbage that has been rotting children’s
minds for years. The UN agrees that
high school newspapers are the biggest
threat to children’s minds next to the
Jersey Shore and Lucky Charms cereal.
Luckily, legislation has been put in place
to prevent any more of these filthy pa-
pers from being published. Soon, all of
radio will be banned, and all that will
I j u s t d o n ’ t l i k e yo u
By: Juana Gasso
You know that person or maybe that
group of people that you absolutely
cannot stand. I’m talking about the
ones that go beyond all of your per-
sonal pet peeves
until your driven off
the edge of a cliff
into a dark, bottom-
less abyss where a
terrifying monster
waits to devour the
sanity that is left,
leaving you with
your deepest, most
homicidal wishes.
Yep, that’s the one.
The one that is ut-
terly oblivious to
the most obvious
non-verbal cues: glaring, ignoring,
knuckle-cracking. You can’t tell them
Happy New Year
By: Salwa Choudhury
Okay, get this. I’m going to write my
New Year’s Resolution list instead of
writing an article OR my math home-
work. Check me out, I’m getting
ahead! So first I’ll start off with myself,
obviously. Okay… I will take a Mental
Health Day (MHD) each month, just
to prevent any imploding that might
occur within my cranium. What next,
what next… oh, right! I will resurrect
my social life, rather than pondering
―What does life mean, really?‖ and/or
analyzing life through different types
play is glorious opera and
unbiased, politically correct
talk shows hosted by Alan
Rickman. After that, everyone
who listens to hip hop will be
tortured within an inch of
their life with wet noodles,
and the chaos in the streets,
along with clubbing, will be
wiped out. Soon after that,
the government will deem it
necessary, correctly so, to
remove that accursed first
that you hate them because you’d rather
drive yourself nuts being in their presence
than be labeled class jerk for eternity. The
feeling of being anywhere within strangling
distance of this
person is
equivalent to
the experience
of being tail-
gated for the
past fifty miles:
talk about road
rage. No mat-
ter how fast
you drive, it
seems as
though that
person is al-
ways upstag-
ing your rearview. In this situation, there are
two choices. Either stop altogether in hopes
of biological cells. Oh, I got a good one!
I’ll start being nice to freshmen… whoa,
that’s a bit too extreme for my taste. I’ll
start acknowledging their existence.
Baby steps. Speaking of new kids I should
start being nicer to, I’ll stop spreading
rumors about that mysterious little note-
book Mr. Hume is always reading and
writing in, and I’ll admit Mrs. Carpenter
probably does something other than
Geometry in her spare time. Hmm… I will
finish my list of New Year’s reso
UAIS PRESS
amendment. If only newspapers
had been banned earlier, happi-
ness would have died out years
ago. Make sure to never read any
newspaper at any school ever,
and never, ever think that the
press can do something for
you. No newspapers, because
who needs free speech anyway?
of no crash, or wait to be driven off the
cliff and be destroyed by the correspond-
ing soul-devourer. It’s coming down to
those last moments for me, and I have to
make a choice. I divvy up the courage
hidden by my insecurities and slam the
brakes at the same time I shut my eyes.
There’s a loud, colorful explosion, but I
don’t feel anything. I open my eyes,
glance into the mirror and realize that the
only one there is me. Crippled and alone.
It took me sixteen years to realize that all
this time I’ve disliked others, I’ve truly
hated myself. Why? Because I go beyond
all of my personal pet peeves until I drive
myself off the edge of a cliff into a dark,
bottomless abyss where a terrifying mon-
ster waits to devour my sanity, leaving me
with my deepest, most suicidal wishes.
Unless of course, I simply stop.
 VOLUME 3, ISSUE 3
Ib’s got Talent
By: sana Chishti and Leanne Pregizer
Coming into IB, we knew we were going to
be surrounded by academically talented
students, but we never expected to encoun-
ter so many people who had talents besides
the ability to complete
three hours of four-
column notes ten min-
utes before they are due.
Everyone knows of the
kids who flaunt their tal-
ents, but what the stu-
dents do not know is that
there are plenty of stu-
dents modest of their
talents. For starters, there
are those that can really carve it up on the
ice. Many of us enjoy ice skating when we
can, but others go for the gold and com-
pete: Lauren Smith and Erin Maki. Another
student, Christina Sudyk, recently took sec-
ond place in nationals. Aside from figure
skating, Chad Moyer is pretty well-known on
the ice too with his hockey team of a few
years. There are also people who are musi-
R e ca pt ur in g th e Magi c
By: Joseph Schroder
With the release of the penultimate movie
in the Harry Potter series Harry Potter and
the Deathly Hallows Part 1, Potter fans are
sure to be abuzz until the conclusion of
the saga in July 2011. The series, started
in 1997, has lasted fourteen years includ-
ing the movie productions, and has made
its author J. K. Rowling what some esti-
mate to be the first billionaire author. The
novels have inspired everything from
video games to candy, clothing, card
games, viral videos, and more. Even the
critics must admit that for better or worse
Rowling has captured the imagination of
millions. But how does one go about cap-
turing imagination with such success?
As in all hunting enterprises, it is Imagination’s one
important to note the nature of the prey: limit then is that it is
that is to say, it is crucial to understand
what imagination is. Its definition has
been dressed up and glittered with a vari- cannot imagine a gigantic spider if they
ety of cliché sayings about its usefulness,
but when it comes down to it, imagination larly, a flying broomstick cannot be
is the ability to mix concepts and attributes thought of if a broomstick is unfamiliar to
from our experiences which were previ-
ously unconnected. Several examples will imagination is a most beautiful and in-
serve to illustrate the point more clearly. If genious toy. It allows us to take the ob-
one wishes to imagine a centaur, a crea-
ture half man and half horse, they must
fuse the ideas of a man and horse in their transforming our ordinary world into
PAGE 3
cally talented. There are many students in
regardless of volume or temperature. Like
marching bands all over the district.
students here, the teachers have their fair
Samantha Schneider, Melanie Marchi,
share of talents too. During her off time, Mrs.
Corrine Wallace, Ellen Studzinski, Mi-
Hall can often be found hanging out at local
chelle Kattula, and Nicki
gyms, but, she is no gym rat! Mrs, Hall has
Pitman all play instru-
been leading fitness classes for over twenty
ments in their respective
years. Her favorite class to teach is Boot
high school bands.
Camp at L.A Fitness in Warren because she
There are more students
loves to laugh at the young tough kids that
on that list, but if this
can’t keep up with the ―old ladies.‖ Then
article got any longer,
there’s Mr. Lietz, who is good at everything
the editors would have
music-related. He enjoys writing songs, per-
to put it through Jenny
forming, playing guitar, bass and piano
Craig. Speaking of mu-
There’s also Mrs. Yeokum for her famous
sic, Nicholas Zacjiw
farm animal impersonations, and of course,
plays guitar in his spare time—as rare as
Mr. Dobbie’s amazing storytelling skills. So,
that is. He also competes in the American
whether it’s athletics or simply unique abili-
Guild of Music every year. Just like other
ties, these students and teachers definitely
schools , there are always those students
have some pizzazz when it comes to express-
who have talents nobody would expect.
ing themselves. In the end, the variety of
For instance, Jae Smith and Emily Graves
talent we have in this program provides all
both share a passion for fencing. And,
the entertainment we need to get through
let’s not forget Josh Cho, who manages
the week.
to fall asleep in every one of his classes,
mind. Likewise, if a person imagines a something extraordinary. A single tree be-
flying car, they have taken the idea of a comes a thousand, a branch a sword, and a
car and attached to it the attribute of house a castle.
flight a previously unconnected quality.
Rowling has succeeded because she
The amusement derived by the use of
has created a setting most suitable to imagina-
our imagination proceeds from our joy in
tion. Her world is a synthesis of the arcane
taking real objects and combining, exag-
and the ordinary; it is mysterious and magical
gerating, and twisting such things. enough to pull us in and ordi-
nary enough for us to relate to.
As wonder-
The setting is not some fairy
ful as this trait is, it
land far away, but modern day
does have its
Great Britain. Wizards and
boundaries. We
witches use brooms as well as
have said that imagi-
trains, buses, and chimneys for
nation mixes con-
transport. Just as imagination
cepts and objects
allows delight in the ordinary,
from our experience.
so Rowling excites the reader in
allowing them to view the eve-
bound by what we ryday world through the lens of
experience. One magic.
Long after the ―boy who lived‖ has
have never seen a spider before. Simi- gone and the next must-read novel has taken
its place the faculty of imagination will remain.
So let’s make the most of it. Need a reprieve
the thinker. This limitation put aside from the dreaded routine? Spend some time
experimenting and use your imagination. You
never know where your ideas may lead you.
jects we see every day and play with Just look at Rowling.
them in our mind. We are capable of
 PAGE 4 UAIS PRESS

Hard Hit ting Helmets

By: michael snider
BAM! One hit to the head from an oncom- James Harrison, Brandon Meriweather, and complaining that it takes away from the
ing defender, and an NFL player’s career is Dunta Robinson. All their fines combine to physicality of the sport. This was often
over due to being paralyzed from the neck a grand total of $175,000 with Harrison debated among sport analysts if it would
down. This is exactly the situation the NFL being fined $75,000 and Meriweather and bring down the ratings of NFL games;
is now trying to crack down on to avoid Robinson being fined $50,000 each, surely however no such results came after the
killing the dreams of young football play- this is just pocket change for these multimil- implicated rule. Thus proving that we as
ers. The NFL is now fining any player who lionaires; however, with fans care more about the pure
chooses to make a helmet to helmet hit in their change of tackling game itself rather than simply the
order to cut back on any chance of trau- techniques one has to bone crushing hits that could ruin
matic injuries on defenseless players. Some believe the new rules are someone’s NFL career, after all we
are arguing that these fines are taking changing the mindset of are simply spectators, we aren't
away from the ―physicality‖ of the sport; some players. The most the ones taking the hit, but we
however the defenders in the NFL seem to recent instance of this also have to consider that this is
have been making adjustments in order to helmet to helmet offense part of the risk these players take
both save themselves money and help came on Sunday Night when signing their multimillion
protect their fellow players. Football with Baltimore Raven's Jameel dollar contracts.
McClain laying out Pittsburgh Steeler's
Over the last two months NFL Heath Miller, who consequently was left While there might still be some
tacklers have been adjusting their tackling laying on the turf for at least five minutes minor adjustments to be made to the ever
methods in order to cooperate with NFL with medical attendants. Oddly enough changing NFL rules hopefully after all is
commissioner Roger Goodell's new rule referees did not assess a penalty; however, said and done the NFL will not be respon-
which states that any player who leads after the game referees did acknowledge sible for any more traumatic injuries to
with their helmet to hit another player will that it was a missed call and the NFL fined players. With this new rule I believe it is
be assessed a fine based upon how inten- McClain $40,000 for the hit. safe to say this is a step in the right direc-
tional the hit was. Players that have al- While most fans agree that it is tion to perfect the protection of NFL play-
ready been assessed this fine include: right to put player safety first some fans are ers.

S p i d e r m a n P h a r m ac y b y P l a n t s s o l e m n ly b at t l i n g
By: Nicola Fiorvento
The latest album by Plants Solemnly Bat-
tling takes music where it has never been
before; namely, the closest thing any-
body has ever come to releasing the 10
Plagues of Egypt in audio
format. Despite its cult
following in suburban
high schools, hipster
hangouts, and the fifth
and ninth circles of Hell,
PSB’s albums are consis-
tent in one thing only:
their ability to shatter
every critic’s hope that
there is no way that their
current album can be
any worse. Spiderman
Pharmacy takes those
hopes and shatters them
like a ceramic garden
gnome in a fight against John
Cena(which, incidentally, may be the
next season of WWE Smackdown. Send
me a check, McMahon!) This is PSB’s first
album since November’s Glowing Radio-
7 Pukes out of 5
active Tumbleweeds, and may in fact be ear realizes that it was recorded using the
the same album, with the words rear- built in microphone of a 10 year old laptop.
ranged. The title song in the album begins It begins with ―Once, there was a man, no, a
with a sound which can only be described Spiderman, who worked at a
as that PHAAAAAAAARRRRMMMAAAAAAACCCY-
of a YYYYY! La do do dee!‖ and continues very
guitar much the same way for thirty minutes, end-
with ing far too long after you realize you need to
two kill two people: yourself, and Johnny Karvan,
strings the band’s writer, lead vocalist, and only
being member. Following this track, I tracked
played down Johnny, and made him eat his own
by a CD, so I can’t tell you about any of the oth-
man ers. Either way, if you still insist on buying
with the album, and I implore you to, Johnny
no needs money for an operation to remove CD
hands. shards from his digestive tract, you can pur-
Then, chase it at-
the
―Nicola! Why are you messing around with
vocals
our music section? Get back in your cage!‖
come in. Fans say that the shoddiness of
screamed The Editor.
the sound recording is intentional, that it’s
meant to sound like a lone man being Gotta go!
crushed by the technocratic gears of the
consumerist machine, but a better trained
VOLUME 3, ISSUE 3
Music Reviews
By: Adam Maksymetz
★★☆☆☆
Black Eyed Peas: The Beginning
Last year the Black Eyed Peas (better
known as Will.I.Am., Fergie, and two
other dudes) made a ground-breaking
pop record in which nearly the entire
album was played on radio. It
took three years to make this hit
record so for some reason they
decided that the next album
should only take a year worth of
writing and any lyric holes
should be filled with heavy auto-
tune and remixed beats. The Black Eyed
Peas need to ―E.N.D.‖ this ridiculous
―Monkey Business‖ and remember the
methods they used to be so good at. This
album’s single may have been good for
the glow dance, but other than that will
be highly forgettable. Without hesitation
a two out of five stars.
Next month’s reviews shall include:
MUSIC NEWS:
The Following bands are rumored to have albums released later into 2011: Aerosmith, Beastie Boys, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nick-
leback, Green Day, Van Halen, Lady Gaga.
Upcoming Concerts
Kid Rock: 1/15 (Hold out all fans he will most likely open up two more venues soon as he has in years past)
Avenged Sevenfold: 2/05
★★★☆☆
Kid Rock: Born Free
The All-American bad boy may not al-
ways have the best songs, but easily
makes up for it in his concerts. In this
album, he takes a shot at mellowing
down to his roots and writing
an anthem for Detroit. Al-
though most people may not
enjoy country, especially from
a rock/rap star, he is able to
make it sound a lot
more heartfelt and
meaningful than most country
albums. Kid Rock also makes sure
that the sounds produced are
able to work well with collabora-
tors including:, Red Hot Chili Pep-
pers drummer Chad Smith, Tom
Petty pianist Benmont Tench,
Metallica guitarist James Hetfield,
and backup vocals from Bob Seger ,
Sheryl Crow, Zac Brown , and T.I. Al-
though this may not go down as his
most famous album, it is still a good
example of him being one of the most
versatile musicians in mainstream rock
and earns three and a half of five stars.
PAGE 5
★☆☆☆☆
Ke$ha: Cannibal
When 95.5 decides to play ―We R Who We
R‖ on the radio, a few things may go
through your mind: Doesn’t this sound just
like TiK ToK? Wait a second, don’t all her
songs sound the same? And, was the title
stolen from Toys R Us? The answer to the
first two is definitely yes, the third is highly
possible. As previously discussed, a good
album takes time to grow and improve.
Ke$ha obviously believes in
rushing the development of
her albums, like a true IB-er,
and spent a mere six months
preparing for it. Don’t worry,
her lyrics are still as
―empowering to women‖ as
ever. The entire album has
the same beats, thanks to
auto tune, and the lyrics all
contain a common theme too steamy to
quote in a school newspaper. This album
gets one of five stars for pity points, in the
hope that she’ll be happy with it and just
go away.
 PAGE 6 UAIS PRESS

A look into UAIS Bands

Interviewed by: Christopher Stark & Kevin Teller
Band Name: Gone By Sunset
Genre: Pop/Punk and Alternative
Members: Noah DeLeon, Aaron Rush, Mike Merluzzi, Aaron Bradley
Influences: Hawthorne Heights, All Time Low and Taking Back Sunday
Do you have any completed original material?
Yes
If so, are there any underlying themes you mean to communicate to the listener?
Girls
What is a song that you regularly play?
Cute Without the E by Taking Back Sunday
Do you have anything recorded?
Yes
If so, is there a title, and where can people get a copy?
It’s called Gone By Sunset, and someone can get it from any of the members.
How long has the band been together?
Eight or nine months
How did the band form?
Aaron Rush and Mike knew each other because they both played in various bands, but the current lineup of Gone By Sunset pretty much met up
this summer and started playing together.
Is the band playing any upcoming shows?
Yeah, check our Myspace or Facebook
Where are some spots that the band has played?
The Pike Room, The Premiere Concert Theatre, Static Age, and various acoustic shows at parties
What is the current status/goal of the band?
Get signed and record in a professional studio. Also, we have wristbands with the band’s name on them, so see Aaron Rush or Noah DeLeon for
those.

Myspace: http://www.myspace.com/gonebysunsetmusic
Facebook: Yes

Teachers of the months’ favorite bands

Interviewed by: Adam Maksymetz and Kevin teller
Teacher name: Mr. Dobbie Teacher Name: Mr. Layson
Favorite Bands (Lowest to highest) Favorite Bands (Lowest to highest)
5. U2 5. Eagles
4. Coldplay 4. Dropkick Murphys
3. The Beatles 3. Willie Nelson
2. Oasis 2. Elvis Presley
1.Radiohead 1. Queen
Favorite Song: Paranoid Android– Radiohead Favorite Song: Simple Man-Lynyrd Skynrd
 VOLUME 3, ISSUE 3 PAGE 7

High five of the month

Interviewed By: Eric Krysinski and Zachary wyrzyKowski

Some may know her as the wicked awesome lady of the lunch, the woman in UCS apron, or Denise. I was lucky enough to be privy to an interview,
and you would be very surprised to learn all that I did.

Eric: So we have a few quick questions for you, if you don’t mind.
Denise: Go right ahead.
E: So what is your favorite sport, and why?

Denise: Baseball. How can you not love the greatest game in the world? How can you not love the Tigers, your home team? We’ve had season
tickets for 14 years, and we already sit behind home plate. There’s nothing better than going out there on a nice summer day, with all the people
watching.
E: What’s your favorite movie?
Denise: I would probably say Beauty and the Beast, it was the first movie
we took my daughter to see. It was very cool that we got to see an almost
private screening, there was no one there! But yeah, it just brings back a
lot of fond memories.
E: So what is your favorite genre of music?
Denise: Well I like everything except rap, metal and hardcore country. I
own a CD/Vinyl store, so I like everything. I especially love jazz, I like
going down and seeing the Jazz festival. It’s just a cool scene.
E: Are you a winter or a summer-type person?
Denise: Summer, definitely summer. 85 is the only way it should be.
E: What happens to be your favorite pizza topping?
Denise: Black Olives, for sure.
E: Ok, Coke or Pepsi?

Denise: Coke, hands down, no questions asked. Regular Coke, all the
way.
E: M&M’s or Skittles?
Denise: M&M’s heated up in the microwave so they’re a little bit mushy! You guys have to try it for sure!
E: Ok, thank you!
Denise: No problem!

Brought to you by The Uais press Newspaper Club:

Juana gasso Joseph Schroder Chris stark Michael Snider

Megan penzkofer sana chishti Shobi mathew Leanne pregizer
Salwa choudhury Adam Maksymetz Kevin teller Chelsea pridmore
Eric Krysinski Nicola Fiorvento Megan Schram Zachary wyrzyKowski