4/8/2019 - 4/14/2019
MALLET NEWSLETTER
The Avenging Crusader Chronicle and Bathroom Companion
Should We Rely on the
University’s Support?
By Taylor Jordan
It’s important for Mallet to stay on the
University’s good side. That’s a big part of
why we have a Board of Governors, a Risk
Management chair, and why we work to
promote an image of Mallet as an
educational and service-leadership-oriented
organization. At the same time, there’s
always a possibility that our efforts to justify
their support fail. What would happen if the
University turned against us?
It wouldn’t be the first time. Mallets of the
past have been fiercely independent at times,
depending on the circumstance. The Machine-
run University could betray us at any time
without the support of our sponsors. That’s why
I think that we should consider alternatives to
University patronage. Of course, there’s no
reason for us to hope for a break with the
University. Our relationships with faculty and
staff are very important. That doesn’t mean,
however, that we must accept that the existence
of Mallet depends on this support, and that
Mallet would cease to exist without it.
IN THIS ISSUE
Upcoming Events
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Mallet Welcomes New Ads
By Taylor Jordan
At least nine new people have been added to the Mallet Assembly during Abraham
Hausman-Weiss’ stint as Admissions Committee Chair. He’s done a great job at reaching
out to potential members and Mallet’s population is growing. Soon, we will have enough
manpower to overrun the normies.
In addition to recruiting new ads, Abe has set up a mentorship program linking new
members to older ones. This intergenerational connection is intended to bridge the gap
between those who are leaving and those who are coming in. Mallet is rife with history
and traditions, but these must be passed down to be preserved. Abe’s mentorship
program helps us do that.
Ad week is another part of this bringing-in process. This week will feature various
activities in which mentors and their mentees compete together to be the ultimate
dynamic duo. The festivities will culminate in the Welcome Party this Friday, where we’ll
celebrate our new members with food and other party favors at the Highlands.
New members can consult the Mallet Wiki at wiki.malletassembly.org to learn about
Mallet’s past and present. It’s an ever-changing website with articles on every active
member and lots of other Mallet-related subjects. If you want to edit the wiki yourself,
see about our wiki-editing parties. You can also go to http://www.mallet-assembly.org/
for access to the events calendar, Mallet Constitution, or the digital library.
In the Constitution, you’ll find the basic administrative rules of the Assembly,
including a description of all official executive positions and committees. Each executive
position has its own “bible” detailing the responsibilities of the position. New members
should read these before accepting a position, or at least after. Just know that if you get a
job in the Assembly, you must do it. Otherwise, you may be impeached or have to resign.
If you resign, you’re not allowed to run for anything the following semester, but it’s
possible to change this rule through constitutional amendment.
Writers of Mallet Opinion Section
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Upcoming Events Ad Week

Monday 4/8 – Exec Meeting
This week is dedicated to our
Wednesday 4/10 – Study Hours beautiful bouncing baby ads. Mallet events
6 PM at the drawing room this week will focus on bringing in the new
generation of Mallet. If you’ve been added
Thursday 4/11 – Stitch n’ Bitch / Scrapbooking this semester, make sure to stop by the
6 PM at the drawing room Welcome Party this Saturday; It’s the first
Wiki-editing Party phase of your acculturation.
7 PM at the drawing room

Friday 4/12 – Ad Week Scavenger Hunt

8 PM at the Highlands

Saturday 4/13 – Welcome Party

9 PM at the Highlands

Sunday 4/14 – Family Dinner

5:30 PM at the drawing room

CONTD.
Wiki-Editing Party
The Mallet wiki is a repository of information
Should We Rely on the about everything Mallet. Unfortunately, the Mallet AI
is currently still unable to surveil us and edit the wiki
automatically. That’s why we get together from time
University’s Support? to time to update it with all the latest quotes, history,
etc. Come by to set the record straight! Otherwise,
By Taylor Jordan
who knows what we’ll put on your page.

Now that we’ve established that

it’s a good idea for Mallet to be self-
sufficient, in case things don’t go well
with the University, we must determine
how to proceed in the case of such an
event. Being kicked out of the Highlands
would be devastating to the Assembly
because it would add a new cost: rent.
An ideal situation way outside of
current capabilities would be for Mallet
Family Dinner
to be independent in terms of land and
food. This may sound weird, because it The family dinner is here again. Bring a
Fresh dish and a big appetite. The Mallet potluck,
is, but it would be dope for Mallet to aka Progluck, is a way to eat a balanced meal despite
only having the ingredients for fried pickles. It’s also
have its own property, so that the something that brings cohesion to the group. After all,
a family that eats together is at least together for that
Assembly was beholden to neither the amount of time.
University nor a landlord. Bonus points
for growing organic crops to feed
ourselves for free.
Realizing a vision like that, if we
choose to accept it, requires a clear
financial vision. If we wanted to prepare
for the contingency of University
betrayal, then we’d need to get ready for
a drastic reduction in revenue and also
credibility. Promoting a positive image
of Mallet is just as important with this
as with everything else.

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Writers of Mallet
Mallet is home to many talented writers. This part
of the newsletter showcases some of our work. All
Malleteers are free to contribute, but entries must
be short enough to fit on a page.
Submit your writing to
MalletScribeOverlord@gmail.com to be featured.
Catch-a-Ride (excerpt)
By Theodore Monk
Mr. Darimor’s house is bigger than I
expect, complete with a gated wall wrapping
around the estate like a feudal lord. I park out
front, leaving the car on as I get out and walk
around to the passenger side, wet asphalt
shimmering in the streetlights, a deeply purple
night sky reflecting off puddles. I lean against the
car door, hands clasped at my waist as I wait.
I had been explicitly told that Mr.
Darimor is one of Timpot’s newest customers,
which I could have easily figured out for myself.
The Venn Diagram of people who can afford
Timpot’s drivers, and of people who operate on
third-shift schedules, and of people who don’t
have a vehicle of their own, has only the barest
overlap. Anyway, I knew my regulars by heart:
Franklin Torvald, Jackson Zheng, Leonida
Werner, and Scott Baliss. No Mr. Darimor in that
roster, until tonight.
I didn’t even have a first name to go off of.
When I asked Timpot, I could see his brow
furrow, as it almost always did the moment you
spoke to him about anything.
“What, are you trying to steal his fucking
identity?” he asked, shaking his head, “Jesus,
Alex, just call him Mr. Darimor.”
Mr. Darimor it was. My fingers twitch as
I wait, and I glance at my wristpiece. 3:02. Man
needed a ride so bad, and he couldn’t even be on
time for it.
Finally, I see his front door open, light
bleeding into his yard before snuffing out again.
In the brief flash of visibility, I see a distinctly
plump silhouette with hints of baldness, the
edges of a gray business suit, and the reflection
from a pair of wire-framed glasses. I heard the
clack of stiff-soled business shoes as he came
down the paved walkway, the screech of a rusty
gate as he helped himself out. I open the car door,
smiling under the streetlight as I point toward
the awaiting seats.
“Your chariot, Mr. Darimor.”
All my regulars chuckle when I say that,
charitable enough to pretend that I’ve said
something charming. I get no such reaction from
Mr. Darimor, who spends a half-second looking
at me like a lunatic before stuffing himself inside.
Closing the door behind him, I make sure it’s all
the way shut before cursing to myself, softly, and
half-jogging back to the driver door.
“Where to, Mr. Darimor?” I make sure to
use their names a lot. They seem to like that.
He dabs at his head with a beige
handkerchief, and I get a better look at him in the
light from my console. He is, indeed, quite
plump, a number of folds around his chin(s) and
his neckline. He’s not completely bald, but he’s in
about the same zip code, a thin line of salt-and-
pepper hair circling over his ears and around his
neck.
Through his glasses, he looks at me and
says, “201, East Edger’s Street. You know where
that is?”
He has a voice that was, somehow at once,
both low and nasally, like he’d had a cold and
huffed sulfur hexafluoride at the same time.
(Contd. on pg. 4)
MALLET
He shakes his head, then hesitates. “Do you have
anything… relaxing?”
“You bet I do, Mr. Darimor.” I turn back
toward the console. “Gustav, play sleep playlist,
on shuffle, on repeat.”
In moments, the car fills with soft, low
cello notes, accompanied by violin, as I put it in
gear and pull away. I open my mouth to speak,
piano joining in in the background, when I see
Mr. Darimor in the rearview.
The fat bastard had passed out almost
instantly. His head is slumped onto his shoulder,
glasses askew on his face and a dribble of saliva
already creeping out over his bottom lip. I cough
a single laugh, hitting the turn signal and getting
us onto the interstate.
It’s always a lonely experience on the road.
It’s not that there’s not people – even so early in
the morning, there’s always somebody needing
to get somewhere – but there’s a loneliness
nonetheless. I look over and see a brand-new
Toyota Phaedra, slick red and driving down the
highway at the speed of light, its apparent owner
cross-legged in the back seat and flipping
through a book. I look in the other direction and
see an older model, one of those BMW Triumphs,
its owner leaning into his palm and staring at the
streetlights.
We make eye contact. He nods, I nod
back, and I accelerate past.
Eventually, after a few turns, I end up at
a stoplight, brake lights glaring at me from all
sides. I look to one side again, and in the back of
a white Phaedra, I see someone getting head.
I blink, looking on a little too long, long
enough that the recipient notices me and gives
me a drunken smile, complete with a knowing
nod. His eyes are mismatched, one green
surrounded by white, the other blue surrounded
by black. He has a single golden tooth replacing
one of his canines, and there’s a dark tattoo
running down his face in a pattern I don’t
recognize.
I don’t want to recognize it. I look away,
red-faced and grimacing, sounds of a slow
electric guitar in my ear. I flick on the turn signal,
taking an early left, and I glance in the rearview
at Mr. Darimor.
Still out like a light, of course. Indeed, in
that entire ride, it doesn’t look like he’s so much
as shifted, hands still dead at his sides and head
still lolled over at the exact same angle. It’s not
until I pull up at 201 East Edger’s Street,
checking my mental note just to be sure, that he
begins to move.
“Are we here?” he grumbles, wiping his
mouth with the back of his hand.
“Yes, sir, we are,” I say, meeting his eye in
the rearview, “Was just about to wake you up.”
His face darkens at that, like I’ve just
suggested I would have picked his pocket. “Well,”
he says, undoing his seatbelt and pulling on the
door handle, “Come on, then.”
I raise my eyebrows, hands still on the
wheel as I turn over my shoulder. “What?”
(Contd. on pg. 4)
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“Indeed I do, sir,” I say, as
sycophantically as I possibly can. I make a mental
note, that good old shutter sound going off in my
head at the thought of 201 East Edger’s St.
“And this car doesn’t have any GPS
systems, right?” he asks, forehead cocked so that
he’s looking at me like an old photo of Stanley
Kubrick.
I shake my head. “Got it all right here,” I
say, tapping my temple, and I do. “Would you like
any music, sir?”
MALLET
He looks at me like I’m an idiot, yet again.
“I said come on, then. I need you to come inside
with me.”
Ah, no, I think. No, not in a thousand-
million years, not in this lifetime of the universe,
not in any lifetime of any conceivable
arrangement of the universe. No, nuh-uh, not a
snowball’s chance in hell.

This is real

Highlanders Have Increased Lung Capacity

By Taylor Jordan
Anthropological research shows that people
whose ancestors have lived at high elevations for
thousands of years tend to have larger lungs than
sea level populations (Leonard 2018). It’s
thought that this adaptation helps people deal
with the low oxygen levels caused by the low air
pressure in the mountains. The study collected
data from Tibetan, Peruvian, and Ethiopian
highland communities.
There are two main adaptations to this
problem found at different levels in different
Move to the Highlands and your lungs will grow so big
populations: increased lung capacity and
increased basal metabolic rate. The latter means that you’ll be able to blow vape clouds like me.
that sea-level-centric body-mass index (BMI)
criteria may not apply the same way to
indigenous highlanders as they do to people
from low elevations. Without these adaptations,
highlanders would be more susceptible to
hypoxia, like their low-elevation counterparts.

Opinion:

Taking Care of Mallet’s Financial Future

By Taylor Jordan Aside from investment, planning could help Mallet allocate
resources. Future treasurers ought to make flexible budgets for
Mallet should create an emergency fund, like Mallet insurance. the upcoming semesters. These budgets should consider our
It would allow the Assembly to create independent wealth through amount of revenue and what we have already decided to fund.
This way, we wouldn’t accidentally overspend.
investment. This investment would ensure that, even if the University
Our current system makes it impossible to plan or pursue
decided to cut Mallet’s funding (or withhold it, as Housing already
financial goals. None of the blame for that belongs to our current
has), the Assembly would be able to continue off-campus as a private
Treasurer; it’s just how it’s been done so far. Since each
entity.
reimbursement or allocation is proposed individually, there is no way
Why invest our communal funds? Currently, our money is
to see how they all fit together to create value for Mallet and for the
idling. If we keep our treasury in liquid cash, then it depreciates over
community. If we could foresee these expenses, we could make sure
time, because other people’s money will appreciate faster. If we keep it
that we put our limited resources to the best use.
in the savings account, it at least keeps up with inflation, but that’s still
We should also consider partial, instead of full, donations of the
not the best place to put it. The money that we aren’t currently using
revenue from service events. Mallet has done some great charity work,
could be used to generate more revenue for Mallet.
but we shouldn’t feel that our service would be insincere if Mallet
The stock market is doing well right now. Many can give as
retains some of the proceeds and donates the rest. Most Greek
much as a 7% increase on our investment. However, stocks can be
organizations hold fundraisers that are only partially for charity.
risky, and the Assembly would have to decide by voting whether to
Giving a certain percent of a fundraiser’s revenue to charity is still
take those risks. Even so, there are also mutual funds that would
giving, and it’s not unbecoming of a charitable organization to keep
provide a less risky way to mobilize our treasury. For comparison, the
some small part of what it earns. It can be ethical, but only if the
federal Social Security Fund gets about a 4% return and it’s going to
money we raise for ourselves goes to furthering the Assembly’s ability
run out in 2035. Our treasury probably accrues at around 1%.
to do meaningful community service.
Mallet should democratically decide which companies are
In conclusion, I think that Mallet should weaponize our treasury
socially and environmentally conscious enough, or commercially
for social and environmental protection. We should create a
viable enough to trust with our money. We should vote on which
democratically-controlled fund, to prepare for a worst-case scenario,
businesses to invest in, and allow members to raise objections about
which generates revenue by supporting positive businesses.
any of these choices for any reason.

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