CHAPTER 8

“Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her”.
Jesus
John 8-7

Forgiveness

I am surprised at how many people choose to hold onto anger and resentment for years and years. They focus on what the other
person has done or not done that has become the cause of their affliction. As we realize that we ourselves are the source of our
own misery, we begin to move forward to inner growth. “Whoever has never sinned let him throw the first stone,” asked Jesus. Still,
multitudes of people throw stones at others directly or indirectly daily. A person can choose to hold onto anger and
disappointment and blame his parents or another person for the grief in one’s life. Another can try to get back at those who have
caused him pain by trying to retaliate and so on the cycle continues. As a community, we can lose objectivity and cause
destruction and harm to others. This is the root cause of wars and crime in our society.

According to Hinduism, at the present time, we are in the Kali Yuga age. The characteristics of this age are destruction, and
spiritual, psychological, and moral darkness. I see so many religious devotees who go through life judging others. They speak ill
of others actions and of their “heathen” faiths. People separate themselves from others for self-serving purposes and because of
ignorance instead of acknowledging our oneness with everything in nature and having the internal ability to live in harmony with
all of life if we choose to. How can we get out of the Kali Yuga age when entertainers earn more money than those in the
helping professionals such as firefighters, nurses, counselors, social workers, police officers, and not to mention child actors
making hundreds of millions of dollars while there are people out there unable to feed their children? Society has placed more
importance on entertainment rather than healing, altruism, learning, and spiritual development.

For some people, it is easier to go through life with the masses in spiritual darkness instead of looking for strength within that
will bring forth light. “Seek and you will find” is the echoing encouragement in the canonic Gospels. Seeking and emanating our
inner light into the world requires work, faith and dedication. It requires a collective effort. We must make a conscious decision
to keep the inner spiritual light burning, even in the Kali Yuga age. Humanity can move out of this stage into the Dwarpa Yuga
only through a collective effort that will bring light and equilibrium in our lives.

The moment I realized one day how anger and hatred were keeping me trapped in darkness, I decided to work on forgiving
those who have afflicted me. Day after day forgiveness took over the darkness within my mind and filled my heart with light and
warmth. The act of forgiveness is a very difficult process. It almost seems unnatural for us to love those who have harmed us
since it does not agree with our sense of self-preservation. After all, we use all sorts of defenses even though they can eventually
hinder our spiritual growth and harm us in the long term. I think that karma is at work when we consciously make a decision to
change for the better. I refer to karma as the steps along the journey that make us more spiritual, more humane and not the cause
and affect of the rebirth process. Rebirth to me means spiritual evolution and transcending from the lower ego-self to the higher
cosmic consciousness. Some other names by which people refer to it is Atman, God, Higher Self and Spirit.

There is a mind body connection that exists and even our physical health can be shaken up when there is an imbalance present at
the spiritual level. People can get high blood pressure and heart attacks when constantly flooded with feelings of anger, anxiety,
and resentment. A person is made up of a lower ego-self and a higher, spiritual self. The lower self clings to destructive feelings,
thoughts, and behavioral patterns over and over. It is only when the higher self illuminates the lower self that one gains an
understanding of its presence and power within. What is done in darkness will come to light and once you find the truth, it shall
set you free. You will become free of anger, hatred, resentment and clinging to the habits of the old ego-self. Narrow is the path
that leads to life, but truly you will feel alive once you embark on it. The moment you realize that your oppressor feels miserable
himself, and that he is preventing his spirit from embracing the God within, pity and forgiveness can take place in your heart.
We are reluctant to forgive those who throughout life continue hurting and disappointing us. The thing is, if you have not been
afflicted, you will have no ground for forgiveness and genuine compassion towards that person. It is as though forgiveness can
be born only through our pain. Forgiveness does not come to us without a price. We must strip down our ego-self from pride,
hatred and grudges. We need to also accept the fact that even though we may forgive the person that has hurt us, he may not
change and continue hurting us. Only our inner strength, our God within will carry us through such times. Of course, in certain
situations, if a person feels endangered by another like in an abusive relationship, it makes sense that this person will try to leave
the oppressive situation. When we truly forgive, we do not look back ever again because we have sent forth our gift – the gift of
forgiveness. Ultimately, to forgive another is to forgive yourself for the time you have kept your soul in the darkness unable to
experience compassion, love, and open-mindedness due to anger, fear, and resentment. Salvation after all is saving oneself from
the blindness of ignorance and allowing our higher self to do the work for us in the present moment.

Another kind of forgiveness is to literally forgive yourself for the mistakes you have made and have made you feel guilty as a
result of them. Living in a physical world having to meet the many demands of life and pay attention to our ego-self; we are not
perfect. If we stay stuck in our old ways of thinking, feeling and behaving, it may take us longer to reach the God within us for
guidance and strength. How can we learn to be forgiving of others if we do not forgive ourselves?

As long as we cling to our ego-self, we will find it harder to practice forgiveness. On the other hand, if we view our hurts though
the eyes of our spiritual self, we will gain greater understanding of the nature of life and our role in it. Perhaps we will even, on a
certain level, find a reason for our suffering through the acts of those around us. Many people enter counseling because they
have been hurt, whether physically, sexually, emotionally, or psychologically. For some, the abuse has been over a period of time,
and for others it has occurred only on several occasions. Nevertheless, the former and the latter client can carry the pain within
for many years afterwards. As a result, they do not allow their inner self to find peace. The hurt and resentment take over their
feelings and they remain mentally, emotionally and spiritually still under the control of these events. Ultimately: “men are not moved
by events but by their interpretation of them.” (Epictetus)

In a sense, forgiveness is an act of self-denial. It is the opposite of self-preservation and self-righteousness. When we forgive, we
really do not expect anything in return. We may even initially feel vulnerable again. When we live without the decision to forgive,
we prevent our self from being free from the bondage of anger, resentment and pain. In fact, as long as we feel such destructive
feelings, we are under the control of the person who has afflicted us in the first place. We may do this consciously or
unconsciously. In the former, we may have openly said I do not want to do anything with so and so because they have hurt me.
In the latter, we may turn to overeating, displacing our anger onto others or stay depressed. “Happy are those who remain faithful
under trials, because when they succeed in passing such a test, they will receive as their reward the life which God has promised to those who love
him.” (The Letter of James 1:12) Happiness is reached when a person is internally free from pain, the perceived control of others
in his life, free of anger and emotional torment.

Each person carries the God within because God is not a separate external entity but an internal presence. If we cannot love
God, meaning one another, we will not be able to receive the reward of embracing our divinity. The more we cling to hate and
our anger, the more we reinforce and strengthen this karmic pattern in our life. I have seen a person who holds another one
responsible for their pain go on in life and hurt others. Perhaps this person is displacing his anger onto another person, which
gives them the faulty feeling of having or being in control. In reality, such a person has lost control of their self and, to an extent,
of their life. This behavior can have many forms, from abusing one’s wife verbally; acting out angrily around one’s children,
scamming people for personal benefit, being cruel to animals and so forth.

Forgiveness is a personal act and the other person does not even have to find out if we have forgiven them or not. We will find a
sense of peace when we truly let go of our grudges. Forgiveness is reached through the mutual work of our heart and mind as
they become free of blaming someone else. You do not have to run with open arms to the person whom has hurt you. Instead,
you can say to yourself – “Today I am free of your actions and words and from today on I claim inner peace in my life.”
Ultimately, we cannot nor should we want to control another person. We can exercise our freewill to help us move on. It is
necessary to remember to honor the freewill of another along our journey.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Rossi Davis is a licensed counselor and certified hypnotherapist.

www.rossidavis.com