Conventional Sitcom Pilot, Mother-in-Law Themed (First 9

Pages)

Rodney Ohebsion
INT. APARTMENT - DAY
JESSICA (45) and CARL (45).
JESSICA
My mother’s coming in to visit.
CARL
When?
JESSICA
Any minute now.
CARL
Great.
He goes to the closet, grabs a baseball bat, and holds it as
he watches the front door.
JESSICA
Honey. Try to get along with her.
CARL
I will.
JESSICA
Put down the bat.
He puts the bat up against a wall.

CARL
You know what your mother’s gonna
do the second she walks in here?
JESSICA
Of course I know. She’s gonna give
us an hour long critique where she
acts like we’re a welfare family
that lives in the ghetto. We’re
gonna offer a counterargument about
how we live in an upper middle
class neighborhood, as evidenced by
the fact that our neighbor is a
prominent proctologist. And then
she’s gonna ignore that
counterargument, and continue her
critique for another two hours.
CARL
Fantastic. You stay here and handle
that routine, and I’ll go next door
and get a rectal exam. I’d rather
have our neighbor put his hand in
(MORE)
 2.

CARL (cont’d)
there than have your mother get all
up in my business.

JESSICA
Honey. Just, you know. Cooperate a
little.
CARL
What is your mother doing in town,
anyways? Let me guess. Her rich
boyfriend is taking her to a rich
person’s rich party where every
rich person there will marvel at
how the caviar is in no way, shape,
or form a Chicken McNugget.
The doorbell rings again. Jessica opens the door to reveal
LINDA (70).
JESSICA
Hi, Mom.
LINDA
Hello, dear.
They hug.

CARL
Hi, Linda. Welcome back to our
home. If there’s anything you don’t
like about it, don’t speak now.
Just do that thing where you
forever hold your peace, i.e. you
keep your thoughts in your head and
don’t blab the out of your mouth.
LINDA
Hi, Carl. Thank you for having me
here. As you might imagine, I
really enjoy making this annual
pilgrimage to the ghetto.
JESSICA
Well--this has gotten off to a good
start. Better than last time, at
least.
CARL
Well, I’ll give your mother some
credit. Every time she comes here,
her manners are five percent
better. At this rate, she’ll be
tolerable by the year 2050.
 3.

LINDA
I’ll be dead by the year 2050.
CARL
That’s what’ll make you tolerable.

JESSICA
Carl!!!
CARL
Sorry.
(to Linda)
May I take your coat, mother?
LINDA
I’m not wearing a coat.

CARL
Then how about I just hang you in
the closet.
JESSICA
Carl!!!

LINDA
It’s okay, Jessica. This is just
how your husband behaves. He
compensates for his poor home by
being a poor excuse for a
son-in-law.
(to Carl)
By the way--nice shirt, Carl. Did
you buy it Walmart, or did you
shell out the big bucks and shop at
Target?

CARL
Nice personality, Linda. Would you
describe it as a nail on the
chalkboard, or a pain in the...

JESSICA
Carl!
LINDA
(to Jessica)
So where did you first meet this
thing you call your husband? Was he
panhlandling outside of a Walmart
or a Target?
She pauses for a few seconds, and turns to Carl.
 4.

LINDA
Your turn.
CARL
You win this round, Skeletor.

JESSICA
Carl! Enough!
(to Linda)
Mother--can I get you a drink?

LINDA
Do you have any of that cheap
whiskey your husband drinks?
JESSICA
Yeah.

LINDA
Great. Pour it down the drain, and
bring me a glass of wine.
Linda sits down. Jessica walks over to a small bar in the
living room, opens a cabinet, and takes out a bottle of wine
that she puts on the counter.
JESSICA
So how was France?

Linda is examining the table in front of her.

LINDA
What’s with all the dust?
JESSICA
France was dusty?
LINDA
No. Your table is dusty.
JESSICA
Well, I dusted a couple of days
ago.
LINDA
Well--I guess I should’ve come here
a couple of days ago.

JESSICA
So when did your flight arrive? I
would’ve picked you up at the
airport.
 5.

LINDA
I’ve, uh, actually been here for a
week.

JESSICA
Why didn’t you call me? Actually,
you did call me a few days ago. Why
didn’t you mention you were in
town?

LINDA
Well. I didn’t see the need. I
mean, just because I’m in the same
city as you, that doesn’t mean we
have to talk about it.

JESSICA
So, what have you and Tom been in
doing for the last week?
LINDA
Tom’s still in Europe.
JESSICA
Oh. So you came here, alone, a week
ago, and you didn’t tell me?

Linda looks around.

LINDA
Your cabinets are dusty, too.
JESSICA
Mom. What’s going on?
LINDA
Nothing’s going on. I’m in town,
I’m visiting my daughter, her home
is dusty, and her husband is a
schmuck.
CARL
(to Jessica)
Can I please go visit our neighbor
the proctologist?
JESSICA
(to Linda)
Mom. What is going on?

LINDA
Well. I’ve been in town for a week.
I’ve been living at my cousin
Helen’s house.
 6.

JESSICA
So you’ve been living ten blocks
from me for the last week, and you
haven’t dropped by here once?

LINDA
Three weeks.
JESSICA
Okay. So you’ve been in our
neighborhood for three weeks, and
you haven’t dropped by once?
LINDA
Well. Yeah.
CARL
I really appreciate that, Linda.
Well--I guess you gotta get back to
cousin Helen. I’ll get your coat.
JESSICA
Mom. Why have you been living with
Helen?
LINDA
Well. You see, honey. Tom and I--we
broke up. And, uh, my investments.
They haven’t been making me much
money lately.
JESSICA
How much money have they not been
making you?

LINDA
I’m broke.
JESSICA
Broke?! What? How?

LINDA
Honey. It’s a very complicated
financial matter.
JESSICA
Give me the simple version.
LINDA
I already gave you the simple
version.
 7.

JESSICA
Which is...
LINDA
I’m broke. That’s the simple
version.

JESSICA
So you’re not with Tom anymore, you
have no money, and you’re living
with Helen?

LINDA
Well. Yes, yes, and no. Helen and I
had a falling out. And, uh, my
stuff is at her house. In three
suitcases.

CARL
Well. Let’s go through a list of
your other cousins, and figure out
which one you’re gonna live with.

JESSICA
Mom. Carl and I would love to have
you stay here.
CARL
... If she moves in here, I’m
moving in with cousin Helen.
JESSICA
Honey. Don’t get crazy.
CARL
I’ll tell you what’s crazy. Your
mother was supposedly coming here
for a three hour visit. A three
hour visit. Now her ship is setting
ground on the shore of this two
bedroom apartment.

JESSICA
Yeah. So what?
CARL
Well. I mean, if she lives here,
where will she sleep?
JESSICA
How about in the extra bed?
 8.

CARL
Why the hell do we have an extra
bed?

JESSICA
You put one in the office.
Carl grabs the baseball bat.

JESSICA
What are you holding that for?
CARL
Isn’t it obvious? I’m gonna use it
to smash up the extra bed.

The front door opens, and CHLOE (16) walks in.

CHLOE
Grandma.

She gives Linda a hug. Then she looks at her father, and
notices his angry body language.
CHLOE
What’s going on? Why is dad holding
a bat? And why does he look the way
he does whenever the Democrats say
something.
JESSICA
Well. See. The thing is. Your
grandma’s gonna live with us for a
while.
CHLOE
Oh. That explains the bat.
(to Linda)
Why are you moving in with us?
LINDA
Well...
CARL
She’s broke.
JESSICA
Carl!
CARL
Well--I’m just saying. Yo mamma’s
so broke, she waves a popsicle in
the air and calls it
air-conditioning.
 9.

JESSICA
Carl! Enough!
CARL
Can I do a "yo-mamma’s-so-white"
joke?

JESSICA
No. Now here’s what’s going on. My
mamma--I mean, my mother, is gonna
be a member of this household. And
we’re all gonna learn how to get
along. Carl--you’re gonna do your
part. And mom--you’re gonna do your
part. That’s it.
CARL
(to Chloe)
Yo mama’s pretty bossy.
INT. HOME - (DEN) DAY
Carl, Jessica, and Linda are watching TV.

LINDA
So. What are you gonna have for
dinner?
JESSICA
Well. According to our longstanding
family tradition, Wednesday is
pizza night.
LINDA
Pizza night?

CARL
Yeah. It’s the night we order a
pizza. Hence the name pizza night.
LINDA
I see. And I’ll bet on Thursday you
have SPAM right out the can, and on
Friday it’s heroin right out the
needle.

CARL
We can’t afford SPAM with out
welfare checks. So Thursday is
roadkill night. And now that you’re
a member of the family, you’ll be
in charge of scavenging for dead
possum. Them’s good eatins, granny.
 10.

refer to picking up Susan’s things from Helen’s home

plot involving Chloe - Linda gets Chloe to break up with her
boyfriend, or Chloe gets sick
conflict with the proctologist neighbor

Linda thanks Jessica but not Carl