The 31 Holy Items

Pictured: Rev. Farndu and Dr Edwards

These are the 31 Holy Items from Elvis' fixed,

absolute and unchangeable shopping list. The
following things were "to be kept in the kitchen
and house for Elvis AT ALL TIMES EVERY DAY."

I. Unfrozen ground round meat

II. Hamburger buns
III. Mustard
IV. Ingredients for meat loaf and sauce
V. Bacon
VI. Wieners
VII. Cans of sauerkraut
VIII. Pickles
IX. Potatoes and onions
X. Brown 'n' Serve hot rolls
XI. Six cans of biscuits
XII. Peanut Butter
XIII. Assorted fresh fruits
XIV. One case regular Pepsi
XV. One case orange drinks
XVI. Three bottles of milk & half-and-half cream
XVII. Freshly squeezed, cold orange juice
XVIII. Banana pudding (made fresh each night)
XIX. Brownies (made fresh each night)
XX. Vanilla and chocolate ice cream
XXI. Shredded coconut
XXII. Fudge cookies
XXIII. Cigarettes
XXIV. El Producto Cigars
XXV. Matches
XXVI. Spearmint, Doublemint & Juicy Fruit gum
XXVII. Dristan
XXVIII. Contac
 XXIX. Sucrets
XXX. Super Anahist nasal spray
XXXI. Feenamint laxative gum

Sermon by Minister Anna

I want you to ask yourselves today, what’s missing in your life? Did you
have that funny feeling when you first saw Him? Or when you first heard
Him on the wireless, his heavenly voice filling you with excitement, making
your body shudder at the very thought of His divine excellence? Can't you
hear Him crooning, throbbing like a bass that's been playing in the
background all along? Can't you see Him, sneering and swaggering like He
owns the world — are you not blinded by his glorious sequins and gaudy
excess? Can't you feel His Divine Corpulence filling your body until it's
bloated beyond recognition and ready to explode with holy rapture?

I think you can.

You can because, deep down, you've always believed in the resurrection of
Elvis. You've seen the 1968 Comeback Special, how much more proof do
you need that Elvis was divine? In your hearts, you know Elvis was the King.
And you know also that you must renounce false gods like Celine Dion, and
Madonna and most of all Michael Jackson, the Anti-Elvis. (Unhand our
princess, Evil Gloved One!)
I would ask you now to be upstanding and open your hymnbooks to Hymn
number 2, page 2 of your hymnbooks, "The Wonder Of You"

[Congregation sings]

You may be seated.

You know that Elvis has a hunka burnin' love for whosoever believeth in
Him.

Don't be cruel — don't reject that love. I know you may be feeling all shook
up, touching His spirit for the first time. As minister for the First
Presleyterian Church, I've brought many people to Elvis. I've seen, first-
hand, the awesome power of the King. It has happened to me. I know how
terrifying it can be.

But I ask you today to overcome that fear. I ask you to accept Elvis into your
heart, and let not His terrible judgment be passed upon you, as it was
passed, years ago, on those who would betray Him. I ask you to be
something more than a hound dog, to finally catch a rabbit and be a friend
of His!

Won't you accept Elvis now, finally? Won't you love Him tender, love Him
true? If you do, He will return that love to sender a thousandfold. And not
with any pie-in-the-sky, either, but with your just desserts right here on
earth.

Because the King commands us to enjoy the smorgasbord of life. He

wants us to indulge ourselves, to overindulge — He wants us to
gorge, in fact. Not only at mealtimes my friends, but in every way. He
wants us to overindulge in all worldly pleasures…The most glorious
and divine pleasures of Rock n’ Roll, extravagant outfits with capes,
giant sunglasses, classic cars and perhaps the most joyful of all, the
pleasure of knowing that you are among you the enlightened. For by
so doing, we praise and glorify the name of Elvis, He who hardly
skimped at the banquet of life.