Friend: a person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual

affection, typically exclusive of sexual or family relations.

“Friends how many of us have them?” “Friends ones we can depend on?”
Whodini

Friends, how many of us have them? I’m talking about true friends, one’s who
don’t say hurtful things, to make themselves look or feel better.

Friends ones we can truly depend on to be honest with us even when the truth
hurts both of us. I say the both of us because sometimes it hurts your friend to
have to tell you the truth.

Where do true friends come from? Who do they come from? As

young girls we learn a lot from our mothers. A lot of times we grow up to

mimic the things that we see our mother do. We see our mothers being a

good wife, a good mother, good daughter, good sibling, but what about

being a good friend? However a lot of times things are different for young

boys. Their father talk to them about being a good honest man and being a

good friend. Even if that father was doing his own thing, the young men will

still get the talk about how to be a good and honest man. Even if the father

was creeping across town, the young men still got that spill about being a

good and honest man. Fathers talked to their sons about how they should

respect their friends, not to fight with their friends. If they had a fight with

their friends, their dad would tell them to go outside, be a man and

apologize. On the other hand if I told my momma that someone was doing

something to me. We were rushing out that door not to have us to talk it
out, but to check whoever was messing with me. Over the years men have

developed this secret code that all their friends know about. I really believe

that this code is not even discussed with their friends, it’s just understood.

They don’t even have to be friends, they can be a friend of a friend and the

code is understood I’m talking about “the bro code”.

What happened to the girl’s code? Why did we not learn a secret

code that’s shared amongst us girls? Where did the jealousy come from?

How did not being happy for other women seep into our hearts? Do you

know what your ideal friend would look like? Do you ever self evaluate

what type of friend you are? Growing up a lot of us fantasized about getting

married. Having this idea husband, how old we want to be when we get

married. How many children we want to have. What type of wife and

mother we want to be. We want to have this so called perfect life but what

about our friends? Our friends are probably nowhere in this fantasy life. We

are writing our stories but we are not including our friends.

Life is not perfect, so of course with anything, we will have our trials

and tribulations. So this same thing applies to our friends, but these trials

and tribulations shouldn’t be constant. To have a friend from childhood to

adulthood is a BLESSING!

We should love each other through thick and thin. As women we

should support each other’s ideas and dreams. You shouldn't have to dim

your light to be friends with someone. With all this darkness in the world,
we all need to shine. The world needs us, after all we are the carriers of life.

Many women believe that one of the biggest attracting qualities of a man is his
ability to make her laugh. Have you ever seen a clique of female friends talking
together and chatting energetically? Without a doubt, one thing you would notice
among them is laughter. They laugh without restraint because they’re in their
‘girl’s world.’

For a woman, having a friend in a spouse is equally invaluable. They want their
husbands to make them laugh and be friendly with them. As a result of this,
friendship both outside marriage and in marriage is equally needed.

So, being friends with people is something that cannot be traded for anything. A
life without friends will be frustrating. Nonetheless, it’s easy to point fingers at so-
and-so and say, “that person is my friend.” But we need to know who our true
friends are and who are leeches disguising themselves as friends.

John Maxwell affirms that trust is the foundation of every relationship. Hence, we
must build trust among one another and prove ourselves to be trustworthy
friends.

When you gather people around you in the name of making friends, alas! You
might not be really making friends; you might be putting yourself in trouble.

Before you label anyone as your real friend, first learn to give them the
opportunity to prove themselves. Otherwise, you can just give them the epithet
of being called your friend while knowing deep down that they’re just another
person out there.

If a person is your friend, first, they would love you unconditionally. You know,
among spouses, it’s possible to leave end the relationship on the basis of one of
the two parties losing affection and desire to love the other person.

Hence, it’s easier to end such marriage on the basis of lost love. Yet, this is not so
with friendship. Hence, friendship can outlast marriage because they’re no deep
emotional attachment. So, as a friend, loving someone you call your friend should
be unconditional because you are choosing them as your friend from a rational
standpoint of decision making, not emotional standpoint of falling in love.

Hence, a decision to love someone you call a friend should be unconditional and
nothing should make you change that decision. This is what characterises a true
friend.

A true friend will never leave you no matter what. It doesn’t matter if you’re not
rich, famous, intelligent, good looking, sociable, etc., when someone chooses to
be your friend, that decision ought to remain. Hence, unconditional love is what
characterises true friendship.

You know, when a person is successful, it becomes easier to know who their true
friends are. This is because there is a tendency for people to become jealous of
their friend.

Anyone could encourage anyone to strive to attain success, but when the success
finally comes, then we get to see the true friends. This is why there is a saying
that goes, “It’s lonely at the top.” When you’re at the top, it’s easy for people to
begin to envy you even though they used to be your friend.

You Should Be Your Friend’s Secret Keeper

The intimate conversations that we share with our friends, should stay

between you and the people who are present at the time. This rule

shouldn’t change when you are mad at that person or have a

disagreement. You should never get so angry that you start to expose each

other’s secrets. Am I my sister’s keeper? I sure hope so, but in this social

media world we live in. Some people believe that it’s their page and they
can share what they want to on their page. You have a little dispute with

your friend, so you decide to vent on social media. You are opening the

doors for a lot of hurt and pain. You think you’re posting this subliminal

message but your friend immediately knows you’re putting her business out

there. And with one click you put a spike in your friendship. Ladies, it’s not

worth the likes or comments. Your friendship and your friend’s feelings are

worth so much more. And your other friends should be like,”sis take that

down”! For your people that are supporting this type of foolishness, you

may want to rethink your relationships. Don’t go there. The devil is forever

busy, trying to get new people on his already full team. Am I my sister’s

keeper? Yes, I am.

Under no circumstance is it ok to display your friend’s or former

friend’s business. When a friend tells you something in privacy, it should

remain that way. Even if you no longer talk to that person. Don’t be that

friend that, if you happen to fall out with someone, they are wondering if

you're going to tell something that was shared with you in privacy. You

know that friend that says, now, I’m not supposed to say anything about

this so don't’ tell anybody else. Then she proceeds to tell you something

that her friend shared with her in private.

For some reason some people get so angry that they just want to talk to

someone. They just can't wait to tell someone about someone else’s

business. Really?! If you are that mad or upset, write it down. Make a video
of you talking to yourself because after you claim down, you will realize that

you made the right decision by not going to social media, or phoning that

friend. Keep your friend’s dirty laundry to yourself. What are you trying to

gain?

You both decided to trust each other before conflict separated you both.
However, it would be unreasonable to carry over the secrets of your friendship
and throw it open for everyone else.

The friendship occurred between 2 of you. Everyone else was not involved.
Hence, they should be involved now. They should hear what your friend confided
in you to tell you.

If you go about spreading secrets of your friends to others, it would be as though

your friend gave you some amount of money to keep for him/her before the
friendship ended, then you now go about sharing that money with other people
because you’re no more friends. This is inhuman and irrational.

There are too many problems in the world, but when we have a backbiting friend,
we have someone that is adding to the problems in the world. You should go on
with your life, doing your own thing, pursuing your own business, and fulfilling
your own dream instead of going about running your mouth doing what ought
not to be done.

As a friend, you ought to focus on the telling other people good things about your
friend to other people that might be interested in hearing. If the only thing people
are interested in hearing is bad, then don’t tell anyone.

You must decide to not be one who spreads negativity around. Everyone has their
flaws. If we decide to focus on the flaws and problems of people around us, we
might never run out of things to say.

Don’t let anyone tempt you into backbiting. This is because if someone is
interested in hearing bad things about others from you, surely, they would be
interested in hearing bad things about you from others.
There was a story of Socrates and his acquaintance being involved in a
conversation. One day, a person met Socrates and told him that he had
something to tell about Socrates’ friend, which he heard from someone else.

But Socrates was wise, he was ready to be on the receiving end of backbiting.
Before the gossip started, he said ‘hold on a minute.’ He then asked that man to
pass a test before he went on with what he wanted to say.

The test was called the Triple filter test and it consists of 3 questions. The man
agreed to take the test and Socrates said, “Before you tell me what you heard
about my friend, I want you to filter what you are going to say.”

The first filter of the test is TRUTH. Socrates asked, “Are you sure what you are
telling me is absolutely true?” The man replied that he heard it from someone
else hence he didn’t know if it was true of not. This means just failed the first part
of the test.

Next, Socrates gave him the GOODNESS test. Socrates asked him, “is what you are
about to tell me about my friend good?” The man again replied in the negative;
He said ‘no’.

The last test is the USEFULNESS test. So Socrates asked if what he was going to
tell him about his friend is useful. The man again replied ‘no’.

So, Socrates concluded that the conversation wasn’t necessary. This is the kind of
mind-set you should adopt about spreading negative news about people whether
they are your friends or not.

Shine sis shine!

Behind every successful woman, is probably a supportive, loving friend or

two. In the world of reality tv and social media we think it’s ok to be mean

and cruel to our friends. I stopped watching certain reality tv shows

because of what it was doing to some women. Some of these women have

so much to offer each other and the world. But, when the producers of the

shows are done editing to get that right clip, the right words with the right

facial expression, at the right time. Friendships are ruined right before our

eyes. Women are trying to outdo each other and just not being supportive

of each other. Imagine seeing your friend being able to achieve her dream

and you there to support and cheer her on. The support that comes from

friends, could be what helps your friend to finish inventing the next great

thing, become the next CEO, become that successful entrepreneur, or write

that book that she has been talking about for years.

Sis, is there something I can do to make this a little easier for you?

Yes, treat your friend like a precious jewel, because having a true friend is

sometimes a rare find. Your light will not be dimmed by tightening up your

friend’s lightbulb so it can shine brighter. Be that friend that offers a helping

hand. Ladies, let's cheer our friend on into another tax bracket. Ladies, we

are so much stronger together. This is not a competition because friends

don’t compete.

Instead of competing with one another, we ought to cheer each other. The
success of your friend should not intimidate you because their success is your
success and their failure is shared.

Friends ought to be together whether in good times or bad. Hence, the events
you experience shouldn’t separate you but bond you and your friend. Success is
event that you can use to know who your true friends are. Well, what about
failure? What about trying times?

Have you ever gone through a hard time and you just needed someone to talk to?
At such a time, you don’t want criticism, cynicism, false accusation or any such
thing, what you need then is a friend that understands you and wants to relate to
you heart to heart.

Really, the presence of a presence of a friend during hard times isn’t enough. This
is because if all he is doing while being with you is putting poison inside you. What
you need to hear are pleasant and heart-warming words. You need words that
make your world go round instead of words that add salt to your wounds.

Encouragement is quite important in your quest to success. Think of the word

‘motivation.’ People have thought of motivation pills and wished a
pharmaceutical company somewhere would manufacture some of these
motivation pills. But since there are no such pills on the earth, what other
substitute can we use to motivate ourselves. The answer is simple: The
encouraging words of a friend.

Such words of encouragement can be the impetus that motivates you to

greatness. So having friends in your life that encourage you is a rare gem. I
remember when I just got into college, I had a friend that was in the final year.

She was a bundle of motivation for me back then because I always received her
text messages before I confronted quite daunting situation in college. For
example, on the day of my matriculation, I was still new and feeling lonely as a
freshman. I got a text message from her that made me feel not so lonely anymore
because someone thought of me and reached out to me on that day.

Mrs. Laurence was a lecturer in the University. One night after a teaching class, he
found a sticky note on the window of his car. It read, “You are a beautiful soul in
and out” and I featured a little heart. She never did find out which of her friends
did that for her, but it stayed on her heart and it’s permanently attached to her
dashboard because it means a lot to her.
There are many things that our friends could do for us that motivate us beyond
measure. So make sure you don’t let anything come in between you and your
friend. Let every conflict be settled amicably among you two. Let the beauty of
friendship provide satisfaction for both of you. Cherish your friends and never let
them go.

It shouldn't always be about you

How many of us have that friend, that never calls until they need

something. They never call just to chit chat. It’s never, “hey girl!, I was just

calling checking on you.” Please don’t be that friend. That friend, that when

the phone rings, they look at it, and when they see who’s calling they are

stomping their feet. You are that selfish friend, that no one wants to hear

friend because it’s always about you. You immediately go into talking about

what you have going on, what advice you need before you even say hello.

It’s ok to call someone just to chat and ask them how they are doing. I had

a friend that I talked to at least 2 times a week but didn’t know that I was in

the midst of a divorce from my first husband. She didn’t know what I was

going through because it was always about her. When I told her that we

were divorcing, she actually tried to offer some advice. She wanted to know

if it was possible for us to work it out. She missed all of the conversations

about how unhappy I was. All the conversations about how this man was

an alcoholic and emotionally abused me every time he got a chance. Wait

a minute, are you kidding me? So, you really think that me and my children

should stay in this toxic relationship? Oh, I forgot, you really don’t know

what I have been going through for years, because you never listened to

me. It has always been about you. Friendships should not be one-sided. Of

course, there may be a time when one of you needs the other one more.

Friendships are like any other relationship, it’s give and take. She's a good

friend to you, but what are you to her? Are we even friends? These one

sided friendships can become toxic. These types of friendships can be

really draining. Of course, we all have certain friends that we go to for

advice. But you and your problems shouldn’t be the focus everytime we talk

to them. Don’t make your friend pull out the old school Janet Jackon card,

“what have you done for me lately?” Girl, give your friend a break…..

If you would refer to someone as a true friend, you must see them as someone
that is willing to give sacrificially. This giving isn’t necessarily amount money or
material things, giving includes time, money, energy, and all those intangible but
invaluable thing that we can give to people we call our friends.

When you see someone that is only interested in what they can get as opposed to
what they can give, then that relationship is going to suffer. Friendship is about
being there for one another.

Imagine having your birthday tomorrow and you’re absolutely sure that your
friend is going to make a cake for you—even without you asking for it. Now, you
don’t need a soothsayer to tell you that’s a good friend that you’ve got yourself. If
giving is free-flowing, then the friendship is certainly a great and admirable one.

Janet’s mother had been battling cancer since Janet got into college. Her mother
tried her best to do all that needed to be done to get rid of her cancer but nothing
seemed to work. The battle continued for about 3 years, this was Janet’s senior
year in college. In her senior year in college, her mother passed away.

Her dad, who lived in California, wanted her to come live with him. But Janet had
a friend who you could consider to be true friend, her name is Joy. Joy met Janet
in their first class together in college and they’ve been friends ever since.

On hearing that her friend’s mother is dead, she invited her to stay with her and
her father until she graduated. Interestingly, Joy’s mother had also passed away a
couple of years back and she could easily sympathise with Janet because she’d
previously experience the same thing.

Due to the fact that Joy invited Janet over to live with her, she was able to finish
college. Janet would never forget the benefit that she derived from her very
benevolent friend.

Imagine if Joy ever needed something in the future and she reached out to Janet
for help. Without a doubt, Janet would be very willing to go ahead and hep her
friend, even when it’s not convenient for her.

This is the goal of friendship: Mutual giving. When you have a friendship like that
of Joy and Janet, you have a friendship that you can call true friendship. This is
what we should strive for with our friends.

Thou shall not talk about thy friend behind their back

Sometimes for whatever reason, friendships just don't’ work out. There probably
was something said that you don't like, but you should always handle the
situation with class. If your friendship ends, that’s not an open invitation to share
your former friend’s business.

There was a time when I was a bit of a jerk. I mean I was a no-nonsense person
and I easily got back at anyone that did try to offend me. Although that time is
over now because I’ve gone through a process of change.
However, there is an experience I will like to reminisce that happen between me
and one of my friends in college. So, I was mad at one of my friends for some
harsh words she said to me. Her name is Katy. Katy was this talkative person that
never hesitated to tell you whatever comes out of her mouth whenever she felt
like it.

Incidentally, Katy had said the same harsh words she said to me to another friend
of mine. This other friend of mine is Tobi. So, it occurred on that day that Tobi
sent me a message on Facebook and things sort of got out of hand—we started
fighting and cussing and talking harsh at each other.

The next day, Katy was really pissed at me while Tobi went ahead to tell her that I
had initiated everything. Indeed, if you looked at out chat you would find out that
I indeed started being mean. But our rift afforded Tobi the opportunity to say
something about me that ought to be kept secret, same with Katy. They were
both backbiters. And this happened because we had some little misunderstanding
among ourselves.

This incident taught me some lessons. First, whatever started our fight emanated
from the fact that I never chose to accept that I had done something wrong. And I
decided to learn my lesson. However, no matter how close I am to a friend, if I am
not certain about the person’s ability an capacity to keep secrets, I would not
disclose them to her.

Of course, this might mean that you wouldn’t have anyone to confide in, at least
till you find someone who is trustworthy, however, you might not be able to
repair the damages that have been incurred from letting a parrot disguised in the
name of a friend hear some of your secrets.

You see, just because someone is a backbiter doesn’t mean that they
wouldn’t want to confide in you to help them keep their secrets. The attitude of
backbiting is in them, not you. Hence, they could be bold enough to tell you some
secrets about them while, on the other hand, choose to expose your own secrets
to the public whenever conflict separates your both.
Now, in such case as this, never be tempted to copy them. The temptation might
be strong but if you budge, it will be like you decided to let a fool tell you how to
act. It would be like you’re copying someone that is doing evil just because you
feel it’s fun to do that.

Of course, it might be fun to go around telling other people secrets and intimate
things that ought to stay in your friendship, however, that action would put you
and your friend in the same category backbiters.

Sometimes less is better

Friendships are beautiful and wonderful to have. But you should have

standards. Don’t sacrifice your integrity, your character or your dignity just

to have friends. I think you should have non negotiables in friendships just

like any other relationship. God sends different people in our lives. But, it is

never for you to use, or you to be used. We have to be careful about who

we call friends. Sometimes people are just passing by and we want to stick

our claws into them. We have all heard the saying, some people come in

our lives for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime.

I already know that the higher your standard, the less the number of friends you
have. Yet, that is exactly what I suggest—have high standard. Come to think of it,
which one do you prefer? To have many people around you that are fake and
dangerous. These people mask themselves as friends but can backbite, hurt or
stab you in the back anytime, perhaps you don’t.

On the other hand, you might not have many friends in your life, but the few you
have are like having a thousand friends because these one will always be there for
you, they will always have your back, they will never stab you in the back or hurt
you unawares.
Well, I’m sure what you’re thinking. You are thinking of having people in your life
that are trustworthy friends, even if they are not many.

But how does one come by these kinds of friends? How do you search for people
like these? What you need is to develop personal standards and values that you
must also make sure you are able to identify in your prospective friends before
you let them in your life.

Now, one thing that you should look out for is in how much they prioritise you.
Are you in their priority list? If value you as a person, they would value you as a
friend. Equally, if you are valuable to them, you would be in their priority list.

If someone doesn’t prioritise you, it becomes hard for you to enjoy your company
with them, hence you feel worse after seeing them.

These so-called friends become leeches that drain your enemy and cause
emotional havoc for you when you’re around them. You begin to feel drained,
unsteady, manipulated, anxious, etc. These kinds of people are not friends at all.
And you shouldn’t let them be your friend.

When next you are looking for a friend, look for someone that is supportive. That
person must support your goals, aspirations, dreams, etc. You see, it’s either
they’re for you or against you. Don’t let people that are you so-called friends
cause you to not reach your goal. Learn to watch out for enemies disguising as
friends.

Now, on other thing you must consider is that you must share common grounds.
One of the most important places you must share common grounds is in the area
of values and moral.

There is probably nothing that brings people together as much as their common
belief, values, moral, inclinations, prejudices and so on. Even experts will tell us
that we’re attracted to people that are similar to us.

As a result of this, we must make sure that we look out for similarities as that is
one of the key components that ensure real friendship. You see, when you have
similarities, it becomes easy for you both to add something to each other’s life. It
becomes easy for you both to be supportive to each other. Hence it’s an
important factor in choosing your friends. Once you have few friends that have
these qualities, then you’re much better than someone else with many friends
that are not really good friends.

Sometimes being a friend is not convenient or pretty

It’s not always convenient to be a friend. Sometimes we have to listen when you
don’t want to listen. Go when you don’t want to go. Pray when you don’t want to
pray and stay when you don’t want to stay. Sometimes friendships put us in
uncomfortable places. These places are not unsafe or unpleasant, it's just
uncomfortable because it’s not where you want to be at the time. That friend
needs us and have our girl’s back.

It takes effort to be real with your friends. Being real means being authentic. It
means choosing not to be phony or pretentious with your friend. If you try to find
out yourself, you would prefer to be friends with someone that is true to
themselves and genuine with you. This takes effort because, sometimes, you
might have to be vulnerable to be authentic with people.

One way to real is to be honest. If you make a promise to your friend, for
example, it might be difficult to live up to the expectation of your friend because
delivering on your promise is hard.

Yet, your decision to remain honest shouldn’t be one that you rethink. People
love honest people. If you are going to be making promises but find it hard to
deliver, then don’t make it. When you disappoint your friend, you are just proving
yourself to not be trustworthy.

Everyone knows that it’s not very easy to be a listener. But as a friend, you should
learn to listen to people. This is one of the things that make relationship
inconvenient. Relationship demands give and take. When we listen, we’re giving
as much as when we talk, even more.
It’s easy to sit down all day, talking about what happened with you and what you
are planning to do the next day, but no one really enjoys that; no one really
enjoys being on the receiving end of someone gabbing. Yet, when you take time
and effort to listen, you give your friend something that they really value.

Listening to people talk takes a lot of effort, yet it’s not something we come by in
everyday people. Although it’s a bit inconvenient, apart from listening, we must
try to make time out for our friends to and out with them and play with them.

And, while hanging out with them, it’s possible that they tell us some things that
are really personal and they wouldn’t want to hear it in anyone’s lips. Yet, there’s
this sweet feeling that comes with telling people things that you ought to keep
secret.

Yet, it’s very wrong to not keep your friend’s secret. It’s easier to do the opposite
but you should do it. Instead of backbiting, you should encourage your friends.
Although, this might be a little bit inconvenient too, yet it’s a mark of a true
friend.

You know that feeling of jealously that comes with seeing someone that is your
friend go way ahead of you. Well, it is a feeling that we should try to smother.
Instead of feeling jealous, convert that energy to love. Use that moment as an
opportunity to build your friendship by encouraging her and telling her words that
will incite her to succeed.

Now, when conflict arises, you must learn to not get caught up in the need to
keep on fighting and cussing. Again, it’s easy to feel like fighting and hating your
friends when conflict arises, yet, it’s not a great path to take.

When conflict arises and you apologise, you are doing something that’s naturally
difficult for you. Yet, that is the work that comes with friendship. Let it be that you
see friendship as an opportunity to train yourself, through inconvenience, on how
to make good relationship with people.
One other thing that can be a big work is watching the back of your friend always.
For example, when you see your friend getting into a dangerous situation, the
easy thing to do will be to lean back and relax. But that is not correct when you do
it to your friend. Real friendship takes a lot work if and it’s what make the
relationship work.

God sends different people in our lives. Do we call these people

friends? How do we treat our friends? How do our friends treat us? I think

we use the word friend pretty loosely. I think it’s possible for a person to be

passing by, and we stick our claws into them and the next thing we know,

“hey friend!” Some people come for a reason, some for a season, and

others for a lifetime. In my opinion,I don’t feel that everyone is worthy of

having the friend title, and that’s ok. But,I do feel it is possible to take away

something from every relationship.

Warning signals!!!

1. I know I’m not being a good friend, I’m going to do better.

2. My friends always tell me that I don’t ever answer the phone when

they call.

3. Girl, my friends know that when I say I’m coming, that I’m really not

coming.

4. My husband or boyfriend tells me that I need to work on being more

supportive of my friends.
5. I’ve never had a true friend or best friend.

6. I just don’t trust women.

7. My kids are my friends

8. My friends just do too much!

9. Every friend I have ever had, has turned out not to be real friends.

10. She's just not a nice person.

Have you ever gone shoe shopping and you see this pair of pumps that

you just love. You got to have these shoes! You asked the shoe salesman

for a size 8. He comes back and informs you that they only have a 7 ½.

You sit and think to yourself, I want those shoes. You tell him to bring the 7

½, you think you can make it work. He brings the shoe back, you manage

to get the shoe on, but your toes are so bunched up in the shoe that you

can’t even stand up in them. That’s how we are with our friends sometimes.

We try to force relationships. We are constantly making excuses for your

friend. We are trying to make something work that just doesn’t fit. It doesn’t

necessarily mean that person is a bad friend. She’s just not the friend for

you. Sometimes you can like a person and think, I think we can be friends.

But you have absolutely nothing in common with this person. You are

enduring this dry, boring friendship, for the sake of saying this person is
your friend, or because this person gives us something to do. I'll bet that

the other person really feels the same way about you.

Friends have always been important to me. I strive to be a good friend, a

loyal friend, the friend that’s going to tell you the truth, that supportive

friend, a friend to the end. I started writing this book in 2017 after giving

advice to a friend about something I thought she should already know. One

of those situations is like, no girl, you can’t date your friend’s ex boyfriend.

She called for advice and I’m like, no you don’t do that. She was like why?

So, I asked her for permission to bring another mutual friend into the

conversation. After she explained to the friend what she asked me. The

mutual friend was like, NO, you don’t do that. We both thought, that’s just a

girl code. During our conversation, I realized that she truly didn’t

understand what this did to her friend. Several friends have come to me

with different scenarios for advice. For some reason, people come to me

about friend advice and dog advice.( I have 2 dogs and I guess now I’m the

dog whisperer). I moved to Atlanta on October 12, 2019. The first couple of

months, I was busy unpacking and trying to get organized. December, it

started to creep in, the it I’m referring to is loneliness. I started to feel like

we made the decision about moving. Although, I prayed about this

decision. I knew it was going to be a lot of hard work on my part. Moving to

a city where I only have 1 cousin, and maybe 3 people that I hadn't seen or

talked to in years. For the holiday, my 2 older children and grandbaby came

to visit. I had my grandbaby to occupy me for 2 weeks but after January

4th, it really hit. What happened to the new year, new me? I have never

been the lonely type. I have always been able to enjoy being alone during

the little time I did get in Arkansas. I missed my friends. I went to a

networking event and I was talking to this young lady, and she talked about

not having friends and not wanting friends. I stood there and really didn't

know what to say. She expressed that she just doesn’t trust women and

have never had someone she could rely on or trust. My heart went out to

this young lady, because I couldn’t wait for this event to be over, so I could

call my friends and tell them about it. I knew then that I had something that

I needed to share in the form of this book that you are reading.I’m not

claiming to be an expert in this situation. I claim to be a person that loves

and supports my friends, and just so happened to have friends that I

believe loves and supports me back. How do women make it without

another woman there to have their back. I know it’s possible but why do

you want this? I think of all the joy I get out of seeing my friends succeed

and I know that my friends get that same joy when I succeed. In my

opinion, I believe that women have our guard with women just like we do

with men. One thing I know for sure. To have a good friend, you need to be
a good friend. I have 2 best friends. My friend Tamikia and I have been

best friends since we met, in the 6th grade. My friend Teresa and I met in

1999, when we were line sisters pledging Delta Sigma Theta. I have other

really good friends, but these 2 are my thick and thin. You may not talk to

you

Respect your friend

When did we get so disrespectful? Growing up we had no choice but to be

respectful. All of this talking back to parents, teacher, school bus driver, the old
man or lady at the store, was unheard of. Talk back if you want to, I take that
back, we probably did talk back, but it was so low, we couldn't hear ourselves.
Somewhere we have lost respect for one another.

Some of this disrespect has spilled over into our friendships. You can’t say you’re
my friend and dismiss my feelings. If I tell your friend tell you that something you
said or did hurt her feelings. Respect her feelings and talk about it. Just because
you don’t think that you hurt her feelings doesn’t mean it didn’t happen.

It’s those that are closest to us that can hurt us the most. When you have a friend
that you’re close to, it becomes easy for them to hurt you because they have all
the time and opportunity in the world to say words and do things that could
offend you.

One reason for this is when you’re too familiar with them. This is why they say
familiarity breeds contempt. Yet, even with familiarity, you can still be friends
with people without letting contempt come in.

One way you can achieve this is when you choose to control your reaction.
Choose to remain composed and don’t say those hurtful words that could offend
your friend. Of course, you may not be able to control your feeling but you can
always control the way you respond.

When you first recognise the need to respect your friend, then the decision
becomes easy. Hence, choosing to change how you respond when you’re
offended start with valuing your friend enough to know what you can and cannot
tell them.

Of course, a friend is someone you can easily tell anything, but you should know
that that doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings that can be hurt. When you
identify certain words that will offend anyone—whether they are your friend or
not—the first thing you should do is to cancel those words from your vocabulary.

Actually, this issue of respecting someone shouldn’t be just pertaining to our

friends. It should be for everyone that you relate to. Yet, because it’s likely that
your friends will get offended by you much more often than other people in your
life, you must learn to then apologise.

When your anger overwhelms you and you say something harsh, make sure you
go back to apologise to them. Perhaps, when next you get angry, you must find a
way to walk away from that place. It’s better you don’t say nothing than for you
to say something and end up spoiling your relationship.

You don’t have to walk away from them rudely. You can just tell them that you
have to catch up with something or just go for a walk. Depending on where you
are or what circumstances surrounds you, it might not be convenient or possible
to walk away. Hence, in such a situation, calm yourself down and hold your
breath.

And dialoguing with your friends can be a great means to repairing conflict. If you
respect your friend enough, you should go ahead to talk about what they did to
hurt you.

Never let things go without addressing them. When you go to someone to talk to
them about issues that bother you, you are showing them that you value them
enough to address issues between you and are willing to reconcile with them.
Now, after addressing the situation, one thing you must decide to do is try to
identify and not let the issue come again. What I mean is you must recognise
patterns of hurtful behaviour in yourself and try to not let them come up again.

Girl, can we just be friends?

Girl, why does being your friend have to be so hard? Friendships should be

fun and full of life. I shouldn’t have to go into deep meditation before I talk

to you. Stop being so serious, taking everything the wrong way, thinking

every is a subliminal message about you. You know that friend that you have

to think about what you’re going to say before you say it. Girl! You got me

thinking so hard that I really forgot what we were talking about. We all have

our days, when we may not be in the mood. We don’t want the person next

to us breathing. You know those days when everything gets on your

nerves. Don’t get me wrong, we all are a little sensitive sometimes and just

don’t want to be bothered. When you are that sensitive and have no sense

of humour all of the time! Girl! Can we just be friends? Can we just chit chat

and laugh without it feeling like someone has completed a task after talking

to you?

Loosen up! If you’re friends with someone, you should really be friends. If you’re
too serious, then you’re not really being friends with them. One definition of a
friend is someone that you can tell anything and be very playful with.
If being playful doesn’t come easy to you, then you should learn to shake it up
and loosen up to be more jovial than you currently are. If you and your friends are
going to enjoy your company, then you must decide to cut out every iota of
seriousness and become very playful with them.

Of course, playing with someone doesn’t mean you should disrespect them. Yet,
you must not neglect the aspect of being playful with them. If your friendship
with them doesn’t include any form of playfulness, then your friendship is at risk.

So, whenever your friend is playful with you, you must try to also play around
with them. Don’t stifle your playfulness. Don’t smother your playfulness. Be free
with her. Loosen up.

Now, the biggest hindrance to being playful with your friend is the unwillingness
to be vulnerable. But being vulnerable is important in every relationship.

The more you can show up and be real is the extent to which you are going to be
having a meaningful life. And this extends to all the relationship in your life
including your friendship relationship.

So every time you let down your guard, you’re creating an opportunity for
friendship and happiness in your relationship. When you are like this, it becomes
easy to receive feedback from your friend about what you’re doing that they
don’t like.

When you choose to let down your guard, you become less finicky and less
sensitive to them when they try to correct you. Really, you need someone that
can look you in the eye and tell you that you’re ruining your life. Friendship isn’t
just about being nice to each other all the time. Friendship also includes telling
each other the truth. And the truth might hurt but it’s important that you get to
that level where you stop being so serious that everything offends you.

So choose to be open to receiving both love and correction from your friend.
Friendship shouldn’t consist of just having the good sides of someone. It also
includes having to deal with their bad part.
This means that trying to hide who you are is not going to make the friendship
blossom. If the relationship is going to blossom, then it will blossom with a lot of
openness.

Being open might be a form of sacrifice on your part, but if you think the
friendship is worth it, then it’s important that you take the risk of being open, less
sensitive and having your friendship light up everything between you and her.

You should not lead your friend on

You know how you are dating someone, or should I say think you’re dating

someone? You know that person that is sending all the signs, that you are

just not getting that the relationship is over? We sometimes do our friends

the same way. Your so called friend is walking around thinking that she has

a friendship. I know sometimes it’s time to let that friend go, but you haven't

told your friend that’s it’s over. Stop giving out hints and thinking that she’s

going to get it. You start making excuses, instead of telling you it’s over.

You start saying things like, I don’t call her, if we talk it’s because she calls

me. We don’t hang out anymore, so she should know we’re not friends

anymore. You make all of these excuses, while your friend is still in friend

love and doesn't know that the two of you have broken up. Now, how

childish is that? I’m sure some of you have been in relationships with a

man, and you thought it was more than it was. I have and it doesn’t feel

good.
It’s so heart breaking to do such to anybody. If you don’t value your relationship
anymore, stop hurting her. Let her go! Don’t let her keep suffering in the hope
that things will get better in the relationship.

It is as though you are in a relationship but you’re actually alone. That feeling
hurts a lot. So, no one should experience it. Nothing comes out from the
relationship except for heartbreak, wounds and scars.

Hence, you should be bold enough to tell her that you’re not interested anymore
in the relationship. If you delay, you’re only hurting her and killing her slowly. It’s
ultimate suffering when that happens.

Your mantra should be: Love her or leave her. Don’t lead her on. If you’re only
comfortable with her being your friend, then that is what you should tell her—
and as soon as possible. If you delay, it will hurt her even more. Hence, the earlier
you say it is the better for her.

Many times when a girl feels this way, she begins to work hard. She begins to do
all she can to gain your love where in fact you already know that nothing will ever
make you fall in love with her.

You might think it’s cool and fun to play around with her feelings but, come to
think of it, if you were the one in her shoes, what will you want anyone to play
around with you that way? Of course not.

You wouldn’t even want anyone to play around with your sister that way. Hence,
don’t do it to anyone. When you keep on enjoying the benefit of someone’s love
without you doing anything, then that is pure evil and should not be encouraged
at all.

If you’re going to love someone, then it must be a 100% love. Never start a
relationship when you know that you don’t totally admire this person. Don’t keep
them waiting.

If you know you are not ready to shower her all the love that she needs, then it’s
important that you state it specifically. Be a man. Come to terms with how you
feel. Examine your heart. Understand yourself. When you get to be sure that you
don’t love her, then it’s time to tell her.

Don’t ever assume that she will know. Don’t ever assume that she will understand
your signs and signals—she won’t! The only thing that she will understand is your
words of rejection, not your actions.

Tell her you reject her by your words. Don’t expect her to pick it from your
actions. She loves you and isn’t willing to let any assumption in her mind tell her
the opposite.

Now, after telling her you don’t love her, don’t allow her to be close to you as a
friend. Don’t let her be your friend. She is not in the emotional state to be your
friend. She needs all the space she can get. She needs all the distance she can get.
Hence, don’t let her be led on again. Just leave her alone.