Journal 4- Round 2: Electric Boogaloo

I wrote a second entry for journal 4 to give you a sense of before and after. Abigail from
two weeks ago was a dumb bitch. She was happy, productive, and had her shit together. As soon
as we got the email that we wouldn’t be coming back, I broke down. I cried for hours. Especially
when my parents told me I couldn’t live at my apartment in Boone. I can’t focus, I have so many
papers to write. Depression and Anxiety have pushed me down to the ground and keeps kicking
me to keep me there. I cannot think straight. I struggle to get out of bed every day. I put my
hammock out in the front yard and pulled my bike out of our sunroom to get in a little
recreational exercise to get some endorphins flowing, but I have absolutely no motivation or time
to do any of it. I notice that I am more highly irritable and more easily frustrated. My relationship
is falling apart because I can’t control my emotions. Emily, I am falling apart. I know there are
so many more people that are feeling the same way and struggling way harder than I am. I know
there is always going to be someone who has it way worse than I do in any given situation, but
that also doesn’t mean I can’t recognize my own feelings about it all. I feel as though I have lost
all freedom in my life and that the only choice I am given is to sit and wait for something to
happen. Whether it be good or bad. I feel alone and powerless. I don’t know how to cope with all
of this. No one in my life has ever given me an example of what a healthy coping mechanism is.
My mother just eats when she copes. My father bottles up all of his emotions and ignores the
problem until he bubbles over with anger at random things. There is never a silent moment at our
house because he is always playing music to help him be more at ease, but none of it helps. My
brother lives with his wife but was laid off so now he won’t stop going places and then going
over to my grandparents house. He is ignoring every warning the CDC put out. Not to mention
that he has been sick with what is probably walking pneumonia for over two weeks and refuses
to go see a doctor about it. Sounds suuuuper smart, right? Well this man is literally about to be a
dad. I fear for that kid sometimes. Anyways, my parents house is so messy and loud, as if it was
designed to stress me out. I brought my dog home so now we have four roaming the house so it
gets chaotic. I am trying so hard to get all my work done but I get distracted every five minutes. I
knew this would happen, but they wouldn’t listen to me when I said I wouldn’t be able to focus. I
have a job here, but they cut all of my hours that second week of spring break. I am stuck and I
can’t get out. All of this is fucked, Emily. All of it.