1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Truly, Michelle
TRULY
Help! Michelle, help.

MICHELLE
Truly? Truly, what are you doing, selling things door to door?

TRULY
It's a long story. Can I come in, please?

MICHELLE
Yeah yeah yeah. It's open. Did you just see Katniss run by?

TRULY
Oh, with a bow and arrow? Yeah. Will you grab that, please? What a nightmare.

MICHELLE
Did you not think it's strange that Katniss ran by?

TRULY
No. This is a nightmare.

MICHELLE
Truly, what's going on here?

TRULY
Well, I went to take all this to the shop. It's my new fall line.

MICHELLE
And you're liking the polka dots this year.

TRULY
Very much. And I went to put my key in the door, and it doesn't fit.
 2

MICHELLE
Whoa. That's a recurring dream I have. Then I go up to my place, but it's only sorta kinda my
place, all my stuff's there, but it's got 80-foot ceilings and weird wallpaper, and I go to put my
key in the lock, only it's totally the wrong shape.

TRULY
Do you want to hear about my story or not?

MICHELLE
Yes, go on.

TRULY
It's my stupid landlady. She locked me out.

MICHELLE
What? Why?

TRULY
No reason except that she hates me.

MICHELLE
But she can't do that. You have a lease.

TRULY
Yes-sss.

MICHELLE
Truly, do you have a lease?

TRULY
No.

MICHELLE
So you're paying her month-to-month?

TRULY
 3

Yep…I mean, when I was paying her.

MICHELLE
You haven't been paying her?

TRULY
This is not the time for judging, this is the time for hugs.

MICHELLE
Facts first, hugs later.

TRULY
I had a lease, for five full years, and then she sent me the new lease and she had raised the rent so
much I got mad and I threw it into the fire.

MICHELLE
You were reading it next to a fire?

TRULY
No, I lit a fire and I threw the lease in.

MICHELLE
Wow, you really wanted to burn that thing.

TRULY
Very very much. I know I don't have a fireplace, so I had to find an Irish pub. And then I had to
buy a pint, 'cause it's rude not to after you use their fireplace to burn your lease… and it's sexual
by the way.

MICHELLE
What is?

TRULY
Your dream about the key. Blatantly.
 4

MICHELLE
Look, Truly, focus for me here. Your behind on your rent, you don't have a lease, this is not good.

TRULY
I know. It's very bad. I tried to talk to my landlady about it, but she's not answering my phone
calls and I can't get an appointment until March.

MICHELLE
So you want to leave your stuff here for awhile?

TRULY
Can I? I just need sometime to think and regroup and figure out how I’m going to come up with
an extra $1200 a month.

MICHELLE
Absolutely. I have a little room in my armoire. We'll hang them up nice, and we'll figure this out.

TRULY
Thanks.

MICHELLE
This is really cute. I love the color. How much is this?

TRULY
$1200 a month?

MICHELLE
Let me think about it.
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Melanie, Ginny

MELANIE
I'm thinking of getting bangs.

GINNY
Oh yeah?

MELANIE
Something different. What do you think?

GINNY
You need a change?

MELANIE
Well, yeah.

GINNY
Your life is boring?

MELANIE
Ginny...

GINNY
your friends are boring?

MELANIE
Oh boy.

GINNY
New life, new friends, new bangs.
 2

MELANIE
Ginny please, get over this Cozette thing. I'm sorry I didn’t tell you about Roller Derby, but I
didn't tell anyone. Not my parents or my brother.

GINNY
Your brother?

MELANIE
I just mean...

GINNY
You didn't tell Charlie? But you're so close with him. You tell Charlie everything.

MELANIE
I was just...

GINNY
I didn't know you didn't tell Charlie. If you didn't tell Charlie, then clearly, I'm overreacting.
Aren't I Aren't I overreacting?

MELANIE
There's no good answer.

GINNY
Say your best friend suddenly had a secret life that you didn't know about. When you found out,
would you feel mad, betrayed? Like maybe your best friend wasn't actually your best friend at
all? Or…once you found out she didn’t tell her brother either, would you feel fine and forget it
ever happened?

MELANIE
Sorry.

GINNY
Whatever.
 3

MELANIE
I talked to her twice. It's not like we're best friends.

GINNY
She named you.

MELANIE
Come on.

GINNY
Cleo-smacktra? How many seconds of thought did she put into that one?

MELANIE
Cozette just happened to be at the rink when I was there. It's not like I called her up and said "I'll
tell you all my secrets, Cozette."

GINNY
Cozette can do anything. Cozette's a wizard. She's magic and perfect, and worldly, and so so hip.
She's Carnaby Street in pointe shoes.
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Melanie, Ginny

MELANIE
Every year! The same decades-old projector, the same terrifying movie, the same 1976 "Miracle
of Life.” You know what the miracle is? That anybody got pregnant given the amount of body
hair going on.
GINNY
No more talking. I'm already nauseous.

MELANIE
Why do they even call it health class? What's healthy about it?! You go in, you’re healthy, you
come out, you're sick! They should call it sick class.
GINNY
Thanks, Seinfeld.

MELANIE
Wow. Are they organizing a union?

GINNY
Occupying Wall Street?

MELANIE
Doing the finale from "Les Mis."

GINNY
I just don't understand how they got so popular so fast.

MELANIE
Maybe they give out the full-size candy bars at Halloween.

GINNY
He wasn't wearing that tie before.

MELANIE
Or those pants.

GINNY
And she speaks Spanish?
 2

MELANIE
And Japanese and French, and Latin, and Farsianurdu.

GINNY
Come on.

MELANIE
I heard it from a good source. Fluent Urdu.

GINNY
That's the captain of the football team. Sitting next to the guy who dresses like Chewbacca every
weekend.
MELANIE
And he's wearing his Letterman jacket.

GINNY
Well, it is chilly today.

MELANIE
Didn't their relationship used to revolve around one of them stuffing the other into a locker?

GINNY
It's like they're the high school U.N., bringing together all sorts of people who have never been
together before. And really shouldn't be together now.
MELANIE
That kid graduated two years ago.

GINNY
I'm sorry, there are cliques and groups for a reason. First of all, if everyone got along with
everyone, there would never be a decent book written, a decent movie made.
MELANIE
John Hughes?

GINNY
Would have worked at Bed, Bath & Beyond. No "On The Road," no "Catcher In The Rye.”
Separation breeds discontent, which fuels society. They are defueling society. Messing with the
social ecosystem of the school. And it looks like she's bringing back yellow, and I look terrible in
yellow.
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Michelle, Boo

BOO
Today's a good day to order the fried chicken. We change the grease the first of the month.

MICHELLE
Oh, but I like the taste of old grease. It's got wessonality.

BOO
Sorry.

MICHELLE
This'll do. Hey, take a look at this for me, will you? I'm not gonna say any more about it, just
give me your thoughts.

BOO
Well, it's a car.

MICHELLE
It's a human.

BOO
Those aren't headlights?

MICHELLE
Those are eyeballs.

BOO
She's cute.

MICHELLE
It's a man.

BOO
Is something eating his face?
 2

MICHELLE
This is happening, yes.

BOO
Who is this?

MICHELLE
It's a potential blind date. A close friend of mine is trying to set me up with him and she knows
me, so he might be great, but I get nervous around new people, you know?

BOO
Absolutely.

MICHELLE
I either clam up or I talk too much.

BOO
That's a tough balancing act.

MICHELLE
But I'm not meeting enough people. I should probably be going out more, right? You know,
taking more chances. I'm soliciting dating advice from a 16-year-old, aren't I?

BOO
I'm 17 now.

MICHELLE
Oh, well, happy birthday.

BOO
Could I ask you for some advice?

MICHELLE
Uh... I...

BOO
Carl wants me to meet his parents.
 3

MICHELLE
Yeah, I didn't quite say yes.

BOO
I don't know what to do.

MICHELLE
Well...

BOO
I'm freaking out a little.

MICHELLE
Okay okay. Let's see. Meeting the parents. Well, Boo, my first piece of advice would be "don't
go."

BOO
I have to.

MICHELLE
Oh. Well then, my second piece of advice would be "don't go."

BOO
I have to.

MICHELLE
Oh, well then, my third, fourth and fifth piece of advice would be...

BOO
I got it, thanks. But I have to go.

MICHELLE
All right, all right. Well, let me just say this. The key to getting along with Carl's parents...

BOO
Is to be myself.

MICHELLE
What are you, high? No. The trick is to be whoever it is you think they want you to be.
 4

BOO
Oh.

MICHELLE
And to say whatever it is you think they want you to say. Trust me. It's the only way.

BOO
So, don't be myself?

MICHELLE
Right.

BOO
Well, that's good, because I really don't know who I am.

MICHELLE
Well, there you go. Oh, and keep an eye on your watch because I'm telling you, 90 minutes in to
the second, evenings like this go south fast.

BOO
How so?

MICHELLE
Well, you could slip and tell an off-color joke. I did that once. Or you could get drunk and call
your boyfriend's dad a pickle-puss. I did that once. Or you could think it's funny to move the
dog's mouth around and make him say dirty things. I did that once. You're not drinking, so that'll
help, but at that 90-minute mark cut if off.

BOO
Thanks. I've gotta go. He's only got one nose, right?

MICHELLE
I hope.
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Michelle, Sasha

MICHELLE
We've got to stop meeting like this.

SASHA
Or take it to the next step. Marry, have a couple of kids.

MICHELLE
Who bears the children?

SASHA
How about we alternate?

MICHELLE
That'll work.

SASHA
I thought you had a date tonight.

MICHELLE
I ended it early. Marion was definitely not my type.

SASHA
You went out with a chick?

MICHELLE
It was a guy. Now for some reason I feel weirdly compelled to defend him. John Wayne's real
name was Marion.
SASHA
And he changed it to John.
 2

MICHELLE
True. Very true. Poor Marion. So, let me guess... you're here rehearsing the turn, twist, slide, kick
you saw Baryshnikov do in "White Nights” and you're not leaving till you nail it?
SASHA
I was meeting Roman.

MICHELLE
Sasha...

SASHA
Relax. I just canceled it.

MICHELLE
But why here? Why not your house?

SASHA
My house is a disaster zone. There's no way I'm talking him there.

MICHELLE
So it's here? In a place that smells like sweaty tights, because that'll really get you in the mood.

SASHA
It's nothing that calls for mood. We just want a place to talk and hang and listen to music.

MICHELLE
What about school?

SASHA
I'm with my friends at school.

MICHELLE
Oh, Sasha, you don't know the first thing about dating. As soon as you meet a boy, you dump
your friends. That's what boys are for.
SASHA
I did not know that.
 3

MICHELLE
So you don't need the talk.

SASHA
The talk?

MICHELLE
The talk…The talk…

SASHA
No… But you can give it anyway. I'd love to hear your version.

MICHELLE
Well, it's a good one. You'll never use a public toilet seat again.
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Sasha, Boo, Melanie, Ginny

SASHA
What's the matter with you, Boo? You seem pensive.

BOO
Carl is going to ask me to marry him.

SASHA
What?

GINNY
How do you know?

BOO
I heard him talking to his mom when I met the parents last night.

MELANIE
Holy crap. This is big.

GINNY
He's going to have to wear lifts at the wedding or else the kiss will look stupid.

SASHA
So you've had sex with him?

BOO
No, Sasha! If I had, I'd have told you.

SASHA
Why in the world would you tell me?

BOO
Are you forgetting the pact? The eighth grade pact? We all vowed to call each other after it
happened. You vowed to call us while it happened.
 2

MELANIE
That sounds like me.

GINNY
Boo, whatever that pact was, it was two and a half years ago.

SASHA
We were babies.

GINNY
I was still taller than Melanie.

BOO
I thought it was nice, made it less of a scary thing.

GINNY
It was nice, Boo. We'll tell each other, I promise.

MELANIE
What is going on here?

BOO
What is she carrying?

GINNY
I think it's a picnic basket.

SASHA
She rode up to school in a scooter. Where did she get the picnic basket?

MELANIE
And she's wearing a suede dress. She was not wearing that this morning.

BOO
Or this afternoon when she changed.

SASHA
It's her third outfit.
 3

BOO
Beautiful spread.

GINNY
That's wine. I mean, is that legal? Isn't she 16?

SASHA
Mitch Alvarado.

MELANIE
He gave her a peck on the cheek.

GINNY
How in the world does she already know Mitch Alvarado?

BOO
I've been going to school with Mitch Alvarado since kindergarten. I still haven't met Mitch
Alvarado.

MELANIE
This is so urban and sophisticated. I'm gonna puke.

SASHA
Ginny, we need information. Go grill the brother.

GINNY
Me? Why me?

SASHA
Because we voted and you won.

GINNY
You didn't vote.

SASHA
Who wants Ginny to go talk to the brother?
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Michelle, Milly

MICHELLE
Milly, Michelle Simms. Remember?

MILLY
I remember

MICHELLE
Can I run something past you really quick?

MILLY
Sure, what’s up?

MICHELLE
I was wondering if you're in the market for any new business ventures.

MILLY
Maybe, but nothing illegal… no drugs, no guns, no girls.

MICHELLE
This wouldn't involve drugs or guns or girls. Well, not dirty girls. There would be girls, though.

MILLY
I was joking. I joke sometimes.

MICHELLE
Oh, okay. Well, you know all that land that Fanny Flowers and I own? Well, it's just kinda sitting
there idle, and I was wondering if you'd like to buy any of it.
MILLY
It's not zoned for commercial development, so what could I possibly do with it?

MICHELLE
Oh, I don't know. Bocce, croquet? It's great land. The candle guy loves it.
 2

MILLY
Why are you looking to sell?

MICHELLE
Because we need capital. We're adding a performance area.

MILLY
You're expanding your dance studio?

MICHELLE
No, we're building an amphitheater.

MILLY
An amphitheater? Really?

MICHELLE
Yeah.

MILLY
An outdoor amphitheater?

MICHELLE
For our kids' performances, and if it's as nice as I think it's going to be, we'll rent it out to others
for dance events, theater.
MILLY
Like plays?

MICHELLE
Sure.

MILLY
Now this I'm interested in.

MICHELLE
You're interested in?

MILLY
Partnering on the amphitheater.
 3

MICHELLE
Partnering? No, wait. The amphitheater wasn't what...

MILLY
I'm a patron of the arts, you know?

MICHELLE
I did not know.

MILLY
I just saw "Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” at the Ventura Performing Arts
Center. Mario Lopez was so good.
MICHELLE
Yes, he is good, but...

MILLY
And I even did a little acting myself in high school. "Up The Down Staircase,” I was just one of
the kids, but I caught a bit of the bug. Do we have drawings yet?
MICHELLE
Not really.

MILLY
I've got a great architect. We should get him started on this. I love this idea. Can we get together
next week and get this rolling?
MICHELLE
I guess.

MILLY
I know there are tons of details to iron out with you, me and Fanny, but it will go smoothly. This
is not one of those awkward "I buy low-income housing and kick everyone out to build condos"
things like last week. This is a labor of love. You should call Fanny and tell her about this.
MICHELLE
I definitely should.
 1

Show: Bunheads
By: Amy Sherman-Palladino
Scene Type: Comedic
Characters: Michelle, Milly

MICHELLE
Oh, geez! Milly, what the hell?

MILLY
We have a major problem.

MICHELLE
How did you get in here?

MILLY
Taftpokirip is convening a meeting to discuss the amphitheater.

MICHELLE
We have an alarm.

MILLY
Nothing good ever comes from these people meeting.

MICHELLE
It was set. The alarm was set.

MILLY
I should have known something was up. It's my job to know when something's up.

MICHELLE
How did you disable the alarm?

MILLY
Michelle, please. I own property.

MICHELLE
That explains nothing.
 2

MILLY
We have to nip this in the bud. These local yahoos are always causing problems. They never
want anything to change ever. Electricity freaked people out at one point. And water. Let's live
together in filthy quarters and not bathe. The apes are still shaking their heads over that one.
MICHELLE
What could their problem be? We did everything right. We filled out all the paperwork. I didn't
even sign in pink ink 'cause Fanny told me not to.
MILLY
If there's not a real problem, they'll invent one. That's what people do instead of reading a
newspaper.
MICHELLE
Well, crap. This is terrible. They made it seem like it was nothing. Just another standard meeting.

MILLY
Who did?

MICHELLE
Sal and Sam.

MILLY
You talked to Sal and Sam?

MICHELLE
Yeah.

MILLY
When?

MICHELLE
Yesterday.

MILLY
Yesterday?

MICHELLE
Uh, yeah, they came in and they...
 3

MILLY
And what? They came in and what?

MICHELLE
They told me about the meeting?

MILLY
You knew about this?

MICHELLE
Sort of.

MILLY
You knew about this and you didn't call me?

MICHELLE
I was with the tutus.

MILLY
Always. Always call me. The minute anything happens that can't be answered by reading a Judy
Blume novel, call me. This is how they got The Edge, you know.
MICHELLE
The Edge? U2 The Edge?

MILLY
All the man wanted to do was build some eco-friendly houses in Malibu. And the next thing you
know, they scheduled a meeting. I told him, "Edge, get back there and stop that meeting. I don't
care what crazy crap Julie Taymor's doing." Didn't listen.
MICHELLE
You know The Edge? Like personally?

MILLY
We carpooled for a while. Never count on a rock star to get a kid to a piano lesson on time.

MICHELLE
Hey, how about we do something to butter them up? Like stage a ballet for a town festival or
something?
 4

MILLY
The Edge tried that too. Appeasement. He offered to put in a park. A dog run. He even offered to
play "The Joshua Tree" in its entirety at one of the kids' birthday parties. And do you know what
that got him?
MICHELLE
Nothing?

MILLY
Man's still sitting there with his thumb up his backside.

MICHELLE
And I'm assuming he need that thumb to play, so...

MILLY
We need to move quick, intervene, throw them off their game.

MICHELLE
Great. How?

MILLY
We need to schedule a meeting.

MICHELLE
But we already have a scheduled meeting.

MILLY
No, we need to schedule a meeting before their meeting.

MICHELLE
So like a pre-meeting meeting.

MILLY
A preemptive meeting. Home turf advantage is not just for football anymore.