10 Days

to Better Relationships

MICHAEL S. SORENSEN
 00 INTRODUCTION

01 D AY 1
Responsibility:

TABLE OF CONTENTS
The Foundation of
Healthy Relationships

06 D AY 2
Validation:
The Most Powerful
Relationship Skill You
Were Never Taught

09 D AY 3
Presence:
The Lost Art of Giving
Your Full Attention

12 D AY 4
Empathy:
The Power of Getting Into
Other People’s Shoes

15 D AY 5
Vulnerability:
Learning to Show The Real
You

19 D AY 6
Expectations:
The Silent Killer
of Relationships

25 D AY 7
Communication:
No One Can Read Your Mind

27 D AY 8
Language:
It’s What You Say And How
You Say It

31 D AY 9
Appreciation:
The Quickest Way to
Brighten Someone’s Day

35 D AY 10
The Wrap-Up:
Your Relationship Cheat Sheet
 Introduction
WELCOME!
My name is Michael Sorensen—I’m the au-
thor of the award-winning, best-selling book,
I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill Be-
hind Extraordinary Relationships and will be
your personal guide throughout this book.
I’m thrilled you’re here, as the principles and
practices we’ll discuss over the next 10 days
(or however long you take to read this book)
are powerful. If you complete the 10 days,
and act on the principles herein, you will be-
gin to see results immediately.
The principles we’ll discuss here are univer-
sal. They’re applicable in any relationship (ro-
mantic, professional, or otherwise), remain
true across cultures and languages,
Alright, enough with the intro. Let’s dive in.
and are no respecter of age, gender, or
background. They are rooted in the human
desire for belonging and connection, and are
therefore appreciated on some level by ev-
eryone.
Out of respect for your time, this book stays
pretty high-level. My aim here is to give you
a working understanding of the key princi-
ples of connection, and give you actionable
suggestions to begin applying them immedi-
ately. If you have questions that are not ad-
dressed here, I invite you to search my blog
for more in-depth articles, and/or send me
a message. I welcome feedback and would
love to hear from you.
 DAY 1

Responsibility:
The Foundation
of
Healthy Relationships

01
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

Who is Responsible
for Your Happiness?

I KNOW THE WORD “RESPONSIBILITY”

ISN’T EXACTLY THE SEXIEST WAY TO

BEGIN A BOOK ON RELATIONSHIPS,

BUT HEAR ME OUT.

hose job is it to make you happy?

W Your spouse’s? Your girlfriend/

boyfriend’s? Boss’s? Parents’?
Children’s? Who has the power to make your
day wonderful or completely ruin it?

All healthy relationships require a solid un-

derstanding of the following truth: You, and
only you, are responsible for your own
happiness. No one can make you happy or
sad, no one can ruin your day, and no one can
break your heart without you letting them.

Sure, people will do things you don’t like, for-

get important events, say unkind things, and
otherwise not show up how you expect. All
of that is real. What’s also real is that none
of that directly affects your happiness. It’s
how you choose to react to those situations
that affects your happiness.

02
Research has shown that happiness
stems from our own internal interpreta-
tion of what is happening, and that we can
therefore choose to be happy, even in the
most difficult of situations.
William Shakespeare said it best:
“
There is nothing
either good or
bad but thinking
makes it so.
Relationships are wonderful. They can
add tremendous amounts of happiness
to our lives. But they are not in existence
to provide a happiness we can’t already
find within ourselves.
A relationship in which one or more indi-
vidu al expects the other to “make” them
03
happy is a breeding ground for manipu-
lation, frustration, and disappointment.
Partners in such a relationship will always
feel some level of dissatisfaction or re-
sentment, because their partner will never
quite meet all their needs.
If you’re expecting someone else to
make you happy (or expecting to make
someone else happy), you’re setting
yourself up for disappointment.
In contrast, a relationship in which both
individuals own responsibility for their
own happiness sets the stage for hon-
esty, thoughtfulness, and selfless love.
Partners in such a relationship work on
becoming whole, complete, happy people
on their own, and welcome a relationship
as added friendship, support, love, and
partnership. They take responsibility for
their own needs by communicating them
to their partner or addressing them them-
selves.
This enables them to love unconditionally
and give without expectation.
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

Better
Relationships Start
With You
Over the course of this book, we’ll dive
into dozens of powerful, proven tech-
niques to improve your relationships. As
you begin to practice these techniques, take
time to check in with yourself and your ex-
pectations.

Are you taking responsibility for your own

happiness or are you expecting others to
make you happy? Are you reading the chap-
ters thinking, “he/she should really do this!”
or are you looking inward, thinking “I see
where I can improve.”

Got it? Try it.

What do you expect to get from current or
future relationships? Are you looking for
your significant other, coworkers, or friends
to make you happy?

If so, take a few moments to step back and Recommended Reading

Loving What Is: Four Questions
figure out why. What can you do to begin to
That Can Change Your Life
find happiness on your own, and bring a full,
complete person back to the relationship?

04
 DAY 2

Validation:
The Most Powerful
Relationship Skill You
Were Never Taught

05
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM
TODAY WE’RE DISCUSSING A POWERFUL (YET SURPRISINGLY
LITTLE-KNOWN) RELATIONSHIP SKILL: VALIDATION.
his powerful tool has had such a
T significant impact on my relation-
ships (romantic, professional, and
otherwise), that I wrote an entire book about
it to try to share the wealth with others.
Have you ever seen the YouTube video, It’s
Not About the Nail? Hilarious. A man and
a woman sit together on a couch, while the
woman complains about a constant pain
in her head. The camera eventually cuts to
reveal that she has a giant nail sticking out
of her forehead, but when the guy suggests
that maybe that’s the reason for the pain,
she gets frustrated and says “it’s not about
the nail! Stop always trying to fix things and
just listen!”
What makes this video so funny is the fact
that, while ridiculous, we have conversa-
tions like that with others all the time.
That’s because we as humans have a
deep-seated need for connection—regard
less of our age, gender, or background. (Yes,
07
men need it just as much as women). We
need to feel heard, understood, and appre-
ciated, even when we already know how
to fix a problem we’re facing. That feeling
comes—in large part—from validation.
“
Validation is,
in essence,
the act of helping
someone feel
heard and
understood.
It has the power to calm fears and con-
cerns, add a boost to joy and excitement,
avoid or quickly resolve arguments, make
people much more open to your advice, and
much more.
In other words: it’s awesome.
 How to Validate
Effective validation has two main components:
1 2
It identifies a specific emotion
For example, let’s say you’re talking with
your significant other at the end of a long
day. You can tell something is bothering
them, so you ask what’s up.
“Ugh, I can’t stand Kate!” they say. “You know
this work event we’ve been planning? She
keeps changing the plans and doesn’t seem
to listen to—or care at all about—what the
rest of us want to do. It’s driving me crazy!”
What would you say? While it may be tempt-
ing to jump in with advice or assurance, re-
search has shown that choosing to validate
is often the best way to help.
So, you might say something like:
07
It offers justification for
feeling that emotion
“Serious? Ugh, that would drive me crazy!”
Notice how that response:
1. Identifies a specific emotion (feeling
crazy), and
2. Offers justification for feeling that
emotion (you would feel the same way).
By holding off on the advice for a moment,
and instead showing that you hear and
understand where your significant other
is coming from, you demonstrate respect
and appreciation in a way that will instantly
strengthen your connection.
Sound easy? It is. But does it really make
that big of a difference? You’d be surprised.
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

Validating Invalidating
Responses Responses
There are, of course, countless ways to val- Invalidating responses are often born out
idate. As long as you show the other per- of good intentions, but they do anything but

son that you recognize and accept their help. An invalidating response is anything

emotions, you’re validating: that minimizes or dismisses another per-

son’s feelings:
“Wow, that would be confusing.”
“You’ll be fine.”
“He really said that? I’d be angry too!”
“It could be worse!”
“Ah, that is so sad.”
“At least it’s not [fill in the blank].”
“You have every right to be proud;
“Just put a smile on your face and
that was a major accomplishment!”
tough it out.”
“I’m so happy for you! You’ve worked
“Don’t worry; things will work out.”
incredibly hard on this. It must
feel amazing.” “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Dive Deeper
How to Validate Someone
When You Don’t Agree

What to Do If Your Partner Recommended Reading

Isn’t Great at Listening I Hear You: The Surprisingly
or Validating Simple Skill Behind
Extraordinary Relationships

08
 DAY 3

Presence:
The Lost Art of
Giving Your Full
Attention

09
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

IN TODAY’S FAST-PACED, EVER-CONNECTED WORLD,

WE HAVE DOZENS OF DISTRACTIONS VYING FOR OUR ATTENTION.

ith all that we have to do, it’s

W

“
tempting to think that as long
as we seem attentive in a con-
versation, it’s okay to let our mind work on
other things.

Not only can the lack of

Nothing could be further from the truth.
When we’re not fully present, people no- presence be visible, it can
tice.
also be perceived as
Have you ever had the experience of talking inauthentic—which has
with someone whose mind was obvious-
ly elsewhere? Maybe they kept glancing at
even worse emotional
their phone, looking over your shoulder, or consequences.
checking the time. It’s tough to feel like you
matter to them in that moment. Whatever
When you’re perceived
they’re distracted by, it’s apparently more as disingenuous, it’s
important than talking to you.
virtually impossible to
Not a great feeling.
generate trust, rapport,
Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma or loyalty.
Myth, points out that:

10
 How to Be More Present
Tip 1
LET PEOPLE KNOW WHEN
YOU’RE DISTRACTED
If someone asks to talk when you’re dis-
tracted or unable to take a break, let them
know and ask if you can talk at a later time.
You might say:
“I’m sorry, I’m right in the middle
of a stressful project and would be
distracted if we talked right now.
Can I call you in an hour? I want to
give you my full attention.”
This may seem a little off-putting at first,
but it demonstrates great respect for the
other person. As we’ve already discussed,
the alternative—pretending to listen—will
do more harm than good.
11
Tip 2
MAKE YOUR
ATTENTION OBVIOUS
When you are talking with someone, show
them they have your undivided attention
by:
Closing your laptop, even if
your screen is off.
Taking your earbuds out, even
if music isn’t playing.
Turning the TV off, even if it’s
muted.
These little actions go a long way in boost-
ing your presence. Not only do they help
you avoid distraction, they show the other
person that you care about them enough
to focus entirely on them.
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM
Tip 3
BE MINDFUL OF THE “IPHONE EFFECT”
If you’re questioning whether or not the
above actions really make that much of a
difference, consider this: research has
shown that the mere presence of a smart-
phone can lessen the quality of a conver-
sation—even if it’s just sitting on the table.
No joke.
In a 2014 study dubbed “The iPhone Ef-
fect”, researchers paired up 200 partici-
pants and invited them to sit down in a cof-
fee shop and chat with each other for about
ten minutes. Research assistants observed
the conversations from a distance and paid
special attention to whether a mobile device
Got it? Try it.
The next time you’re speaking with
someone, check to see how present
you are. If you’re anything less than
100% engaged, take the necessary
steps to get there.
Presence makes all the difference.
12
was used, touched, or placed on the table
during the conversation.
When the time was up, participants were
asked to respond to a series of questions
and statements designed to measure feel-
ings of connection, empathic concern, and
the like.
The results?
If either participant pulled their phone out
or placed it on the table, the quality of the
conversation was rated to be less fulfill-
ing compared to conversations that took
place in the absence of mobile devices.
Recommended Reading
The Charisma Myth: How Anyone
Can Master the Art and Science
of Personal Magnetism
 DAY 4

Empathy:
The Power of
Getting Into Other
People’s Shoes

13
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

EMPATHY IS THE ABILITY TO UNDERSTAND AND SHARE THE

FEELINGS OF ANOTHER, AND IS A CRITICAL ELEMENT OF

STRONG, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS.

hen we have empathy for another

“
W person, we put ourselves in their
shoes and feel what they are feel-
ing. We seek to understand where they are
coming from and try to imagine what they
SYMPATHY
are going through.
“I’m sorry you’re not
feeling well.”
Empathy is Different
EMPATHY
From Sympathy
“Ugh, the flu is no fun at all.”
Sympathy is a feeling of care or concern for
another person, often accompanied by a

“
wish to see them better off or happier.

Sympathy is standing on the outside of a

situation, looking in (e.g. “I’m sorry you’re
sad.”) Empathy is stepping into the situation SYMPATHY
and feeling the emotion (e.g. “Wow, this is “I’m sorry you’re frustrated.
sad.”). I hope you figure it out.”

When we sympathize, we feel for someone EMPATHY

because of his or her pain. When we empa-
“Ah, that’s so frustrating!”
thize, we feel the pain with them. For example:

14
 Tips for Developing Empathy
If you’re struggling to feel empathy for another person
(and we all do, from time to time), the following tips may help:
TIP 1
GET CURIOUS
Ask yourself the following questions:
“What is this person’s background?
Could past issues be influencing their
reaction?”
“What if someone had done that
to me? How would I feel?”
“If I haven’t had a similar experience,
have I ever felt a similar emotion?”
“What if that were my
[child/parent/job/dog/etc.]?”
Asking questions such as these often un-
covers an element or two of the other per-
son’s circumstance that strikes a chord in-
side you.
15
TIP 2
LOOK AT THEM
Pause for a moment, let go of whatever
thoughts may be zipping through your head,
and take a moment to truly see the person
across from you on a deeper level.
Make eye contact. Recognize that they are
a human being with fears, hopes, uncertain-
ties, pain, and joy. Recognize that their life
may be a lot harder than you know.
This can be a surprisingly powerful expe-
rience when done with sincerity. Taking
time to recognize that another person may
be hurting, or may be especially excited or
hopeful about something, will help you get
out of your own head.
 TIP 3

IMAGINE THEM AS A CHILD

Got it? Try it.
This may sound odd, but imagining anoth-
The next time someone shares some-
er person as a young, vulnerable child often
thing with you, see how well you’re em-
makes it easier to feel their emotion.
pathizing with them. This needn’t be a
negative emotion, either. If someone is
If you’re having a hard time empathizing
excited, proud, etc., you can still step into
with your friend during an embarrassing
their shoes to feel what they’re feeling.
situation (perhaps you think he should “just
Once you feel empathy, remember to val-
get over it”), consider how you would feel
idate!
if you looked over and saw a four-year-old
standing there with fear, shame, and embar-
rassment visible on his face.

I have been guilty of telling a genuinely

scared friend to “man up” even though I
would never have said such a thing to a ter-
rified four-year-old.

Imagining others as younger, more vulnera- Recommended Reading

ble versions of themselves is a great way to Born for Love: Why Empathy
is Essential—and Endangered
help feelings of empathy flow a little more
freely.

16
 DAY 5

Vulnerability:
Learning to Show
the Real You

17
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

ONE OF THE MORE DIFFICULT PARTS OF A RELATIONSHIP

(ESPECIALLY ONE OF THE ROMANTIC PERSUASION)

IS LETTING THE OTHER PERSON SEE THE REAL YOU.

nd I mean the real you—
A not the half-real you that
you post on Facebook or
Instagram; or the first-, second-,
third-date you that is on their very
best behavior and has everything put
together.
I’m talking about the imperfect you—
the one with flaws, fears, hopes,
dreams, passions, and insecurities.
you are, not for who you pretend to
be, or even for who you’re striving to
be.
This doesn’t mean you can’t strive to
grow and improve, take care of your-
self, dress well, etc. It simply means
that none of that matters in a relation-
ship if you don’t feel you are worthy of
love and respect exactly as you are.
We can have no true, meaningful
connection without vulnerability.

As uncomfortable as that may sound,

Why Let People See
the Real You?
Because that’s the person you are. If
you want to feel true, lasting connec-
tion with another human being, you
need to feel that they love you for who
much of the world agrees. Brene
Brown’s TED talk, The Power of Vul-
nerability, is one of the top 10 most-
viewed TED talks of all time. “True be-
longing only happens,” Brown states,
“when we present our authentic, im-
perfect selves to the world.”

18
 What Does
Vulnerability
Look Like?
We are emotionally vulnerable any time we
open ourselves up to opinion, rejection, dis-
agreement, ridicule, etc. For example:
Saying “I love you” first
Going “all in” in a relationship,
knowing it may not work out
Initiating sex with your spouse
Asking someone for help
Sharing your hopes and dreams
Sharing your fears and
insecurities
Asking someone’s opinion
Sharing an unpopular opinion
The key point to remember, though, is this:
until we are willing to risk rejection, dis-
agreement, and ridicule, we forfeit the
opportunity to experience acceptance,
agreement, praise, and connection. We
can’t close to one and remain open to an-
other.
Alfred Lord Tennyson said it best: “‘tis bet-
ter to have loved and lost than never to have
loved at all.”
19
How to
Embrace
Vulnerability
Okay. So you think there may be something
to this, but you struggle to open up. How to
you improve? While there’s no one-size-fits
all approach, the following tips may help:
STRENGTHEN YOUR
1
SELF-CONFIDENCE
Make a list of wins and successes in your
life—large and small. Make an effort to fo-
cus on your strengths rather than your
weaknesses. Practice positive thinking and
consider daily affirmations. Exercise. Do an
act of service for someone. The more con-
fident you are in yourself, the easier it be-
comes to open up to others.
FOCUS ON THE REWARD
2 As we’ve already discussed, you
cannot have the good without risking the
bad. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t
take. Retrain your brain to focus on the po-
tential upside of a risk, rather than the fear
of what might happen. Go after what you
want instead of hiding from what you don’t.
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

PRACTICE
3 At the risk of oversimplifying things,
Got it? Try it.
the fact is this: the more you do it, the easi- Pick one person you’d like to connect
er it gets. Find small opportunities to share better with today, and share a less-than-
a less-than-perfect part of yourself with perfect part of yourself. Share an embar-
someone. Share an opinion. Ask for some- rassing story. Tell them how you’re feel-
thing you want. You will have some uncom- ing. Ask for help. The risk is well worth
fortable experiences, but you will also find the reward.
that you can handle them. You live. Life
moves on. And if you can keep yourself cen-
tered, you become better because of it.

One Important Note:

Embracing vulnerability does not mean
sharing everything with everyone. You
can—and ought to—be selective in what Recommended Reading
you share, and with whom. You’ll want to be Daring Greatly: How the Courage
reasonably confident that the person you’re to be Vulnerable Transforms the
Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead
talking with will be respectful and validating,
and you’ll want to keep things appropriate
for the situation.

20
 DAY 6

Expectations:
The Silent Killer
of
Relationships

21
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM
TODAY’S TOPIC IS A BIG ONE.
re you aware of your expecta-
A tions? Of what you’re expecting
from the people you interact with?
You probably expect more than you think.
Think of a recent interaction where you
became frustrated, angry, or disappoint-
ed. This could be with a romantic partner,
coworker, friend, or family member. What
caused the upset? Did they leave dirty dish-
es in the sink? Did they not respond to your
email or text? Did they not invite you to go
out last weekend?
In most cases, the anger, frustration, or hurt
you feel has more to do with your unmet ex-
pectations than it does with whatever actu-
ally happened.
Doing the Dishes
Say you come home one evening and notice
that your roommate or spouse has left a pile
of dirty dishes in the sink, for the hundredth
time. “He always does this!” You think to
yourself, fuming over his lack of respect.
“I’ve asked him a thousand times to do the
dishes and I still come home to a full sink!
22
”What’s your expectation here? That he’ll do
the dishes, right? But what if he did do the
dishes—just earlier that morning? Or what if
he was planning to do them later that eve-
ning?
Your expectation here isn’t just that he’ll do
the dishes, it’s that you’ll come home to a
clean sink. It’s that he’ll do the dishes right
before you get home, or not leave dirty dish-
es in the sink in the first place.
So the next question is: did you commu-
nicate those expectations to him? If you
were specific about wanting to come home
to a clean sink, then you may want to talk it
over again. But if you said “please do your
dishes more often,” can you really resent
him for not knowing you actually meant
“please make sure the sink is empty when I
get home each night?”
In this situation, your resentment has noth-
ing to do with your spouse or roommate. He
did what you asked him to. Your resentment
has to do with the fact that you had other
expectations that you weren’t conscious of,
but are still holding him accountable for.
 Uncommunicated Expectations
are The Problem

There is nothing wrong with expecta-
tions—even high expectations. It’s when
we aren’t aware of those expectations,
and/or don’t communicate them to peo-
ple they involve, that we run into issues.
“My husband is so inconsiderate.”
Why?
“Because he doesn’t ever offer to
help with the laundry.”
You have an expectation that your hus-
band will offer to help with the laundry.
Have you told him this?
Maybe he’s willing, but thinks you enjoy it?
“I feel like my girlfriend doesn’t
care about me.”
Why?
“Because she never texts me first.
I’m always the one to send the first
message. If I wait for her to reach
out, she never does.”
You have an expectation that your girl-
friend will initiate conversations with
you. Have you told her that? What if
she’s enamored by you, but believes it’s
the man’s role to initiate things?

See how quickly a lack of awareness and communication can

cause issues?

23
 How to Recognize
Hidden Expectations
To recognize hidden expectations, look for re-
sentment or emotional turmoil in your life. Nine
times out of ten, you’re upset because reality did
not live up to your expectations.

1
If you’re upset with your friends
because you feel they weren’t
thoughtful enough on your birthday, what
were you expecting? Got it? Try it.
A surprise party? An evening out together? Did Think of a person or situation you’re
you communicate any of that or just expect feeling upset about and do some dig-
them to read your mind? ging for any unexpressed expecta-
tions. If you identify one or more, con-

2 If you get upset when your spouse
comes home from work and plops
sider sharing them with that person. If
you notice you have an expectation of
down in front of the TV, what were you ex- something ahead of time, decide to ei-
pecting them to do? ther:
Help make dinner? Watch the kids so you can 1. Be okay if it’s not met, or
have a break? Are they being rude or have you
2. Communicate that expectation with
simply not communicated your expectations to
the person it involves.
them?

24
 DAY 7

Communication
No One Can Read
Your Mind

25
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

IN THE LAST CHAPTER, WE DISCUSSED EXPECTATIONS, AND HOW

UNACKNOWLEDGED, UNCOMMUNICATED EXPECTATIONS ARE OFTEN

THE PRIMARY CAUSE OF RESENTMENT AND UPSET.

To clear those up and enjoy

W healthy and connected
Healthy
relationships, we have to be-
come masters at communication.
communication
requires facing
Healthy
difficult subjects,
Communication Heals
asking questions,
Relationships—romantic or otherwise—are
messy. Two people with different back-
explaining intentions
grounds, preferences, etc. will not always and expectations,
see eye-to-eye, making misunderstandings
and disappointments inevitable. sharing feelings,
and taking time.
In today’s world, though, many people give
up on relationships too quickly. The mo-
ment things get tricky, they bail. Or they sim- It requires vulnerability, empathy, validation,
ply resign themselves to living in an unhap- presence, and personal responsibility—all
py, conflict-laden life. The fact of the matter things we’ve discussed thus far in this book.
is this: any relationship can be improved And while it’s impossible to make you a
if both parties are willing to work on their master of communication in one chapter,
communication. the following tips can help.

26
 Tips for Improving
Communication in Relationships
Tip 1
TALK
(OR BETTER YET—ASK)
This seems like a no-brainer, but if
communication in your relationship is
poor because you don’t want to talk
with each other, you have to get the
wheels turning again before the other
tips here will work.
If asking your friend or partner about
their day feels mundane, ask their opin-
ion on something you know they’re
passionate about. Ask about some-
thing you know they’ve been wrestling
with or working on.
Ask more personal, thoughtful ques-
tions to get past the small talk and into
a shared interest.
29
27
Tip 2
SEEK FIRST
TO UNDERSTAND
Remember that you never have the full
story. Whether you’re in a heated argu-
ment or someone has simply asked for
your advice, seek first to understand
the situation before diving into accusa-
tions or solutions.
Ask clarifying questions
“Are you upset because I didn’t call
last night?”
Check your assumptions
“I assumed you didn’t want to
come—was I mistaken?”
Invite greater clarity
“Could you help me understand why
you feel like I’m not listening?”
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

Tip 3
BE CLEAR (AND HONEST)

How comfortable are you

with stating your opinion?

How honest are you when

someone asks how you’re feeling?

Do you ask for what you want,

or do you hope people
will figure it out?

Healthy relationships depend on the

ability of both parties to comfortably

share their thoughts, feelings, prefer-
ences, etc.

If you struggle with this, make a con-

scious effort to improve. Start with
small steps. Find “safe areas” to prac-
tice in—relationships where you know
the other person will be respectful— Got it? Try it.
and gradually work up courage and
confidence to speak your mind in any Make communication a priority today.

situation. Whether at work, at home, or out with

Not only will this improve satisfaction
in your life, it will make things easier for
those you interact with as well. When
they trust that you’ll speak up when you
have an opinion or need something,
they’ll feel less like they have to read
your mind, walk on eggshells etc. Win/
win.
friends, pick one or more of the above tips
and see if you can enhance or simplify a
conversation.
In the next chapter, we’ll dive deeper into
communication, looking specifically at
how our language—how we say what we
say—can make or break a relationship.

28
 DAY 8

Language:
It’s What You Say
and
How You Say It

29
COMMUNICATION IS NUANCED. THE MESSAGE WE SEND—AND HOW IT’S

RECEIVED—IS SHAPED AND MOLDED BY OUR BODY LANGUAGE, TONE

OF VOICE, HISTORY WITH THE OTHER PERSON, AND MUCH MORE.

n this chapter, we’ll take a look at a few simple-yet-powerful language tweaks

I to help navigate difficult conversations at home, at the office, or with your
friends and family.

The Power of Words

Nope.

“
Words are far more powerful that we give
credit. They are often our primary tool for
communication and, like any tool, can be
used to help or harm. We’re not going to
Sticks and stones take the time to discuss the need for being
kind with your words here in this book—that
may break my bones
should be a given. What we’re going to fo-
but words can never cus on today is how certain words or phras-
es, used even with the best of intentions,
hurt me.
can still cause negative reactions or com-
promise your intended message.

30
 1
WATCH OUT FOR “BUTS”

When used to connect two phrases in a sentence, “but”

effectively dismisses the first phrase altogether. When
giving praise, showing understanding, or validating, it
can instantly undo all your hard work.

For example, imagine you get a haircut and a friend of

yours walks up to you and says:

“I really like what you’ve done to your hair, but . . .”

What is she going to say next? You don’t know for sure,
but it will probably be something negative. She “likes it
but . . .” At this point, you’ve likely forgotten the compli-
ment and are fixated on what will come next.

Now imagine she says:

“I really like what you’ve done with your hair, and . . .”

Now what? What’s coming next? You still don’t know,

but you do know that she likes your new ‘do. She could
say just about anything she wants, and it wouldn’t de-
tract from the fact that she “really likes what you’ve
done with your hair.”

When we say, “I get that you’re frustrated but I don’t think

he meant to hurt you,” we diminish the impact of the first
half of the sentence—the validating part—and all the oth-
er person hears is “you shouldn’t be frustrated.”

Make an effort to replace “but” with “and” and you’ll be

amazed at how it frees you up to speak candidly while
maintaining trust and safety in the conversation.

31
 2
LEAD WITH “I” INSTEAD OF “YOU”

A common mistake people make during tense con-

versations is launching in with direct “you” statements
such as:

“You’re wrong.”

“This is your fault.”

“You don’t work as hard as the others.”

When you’re in a confrontational discussion, “you”

statements can feel aggressive and abrasive. To avoid
that, lead instead with “I” (or a form of “I”):

“I disagree.”

“I feel like this may actually be your fault.”

“It feels like you don’t work as hard as the others.”

Leading with “I” emphasizes the fact that you’re sharing

your perspective and prevents the comment from feel-
ing like an accusation. If you say to your spouse, “You
were insensitive yesterday,” you’re probably going to get
into an argument.

But if you instead say, “I felt like you were insensitive

yesterday” or, even better, “I felt embarrassed when you
pointed out my mistake to everyone yesterday,” it keeps
the focus on you. You are sharing how your spouse’s
comment affected you, rather than accusing him of be-
ing a mean person.

32
 3
AVOID ABSOLUTES

Absolutes are terms such as “always,” “never,” “constant-

ly,” etc. If your conversation includes an observation of a
habit or tendency, it can be tempting to say “you always
do this” or “you never do that!”

Aside from the fact that each of these statements leads

with “you” instead of “I,” they are abrasive because they
are absolute. While it may be true that the other person
has a hard time listening to others, it’s highly unlikely
that they never do. Claiming that someone “always”
does something is equally false.

This type of observation can be softened by leading

with “I” as discussed above, or by replacing the absolute
term with a non-absolute.

The phrase “you always do this” can become “you do

this often.” The statement “you never clean up after
yourself” can become “you rarely clean up after your-
self.”

33
 Got it? Try it.
Pick one or more of the above tips and
focus on implementing them during
your conversations today. Again, simple
adjustments can make a significant im-
Recommended Reading
Crucial Conversations:
pact. Tools for Talking When
Stakes Are High

34
 DAY 9

Appreciation:
The Quickest Way
to Brighten
Someone’s Day

35
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

THIS BOOK WAS WRITTEN TO SHARE SIMPLE

ACTIONS THAT MAKE A BIG DIFFERENCE.

TODAY’S TOPIC IS NO EXCEPTION.

If you want a sure-fire way to doubt, shame, and/or an overall feeling of

I boost your charisma, deepen not being good enough. Is it really any won-
your relationships with others, der why we’re so drawn to people who see,
and brighten someone’s day, get in the love, and appreciate us?
habit of regularly expressing appreciation
for others. Humans have always craved acceptance
and appreciation, but in today’s demand-
A Little Love? ing world, even the simplest compliment
or acknowledgement can make someone’s
The world can be a rough place. Whether
entire week.
we’re dealing with tight deadlines, angry
bosses, frazzled spouses, disobedient chil-
And the best part? It’s free to give. What’s
dren, mental or physical illness, ever-grow-
more, when people feel like their efforts at
ing to-do lists, overbooked calendars, or
something are recognized and appreciat-
impossible expectations, it’s easy to feel
ed, they are significantly more likely to con-
overworked and overwhelmed. These chal-
tinue those efforts. Everyone wins.
lenges are often accompanied by self-

36
 Simple Ways to Show Appreciation
1. START THE DAY OFF RIGHT
In his book, Don’t Sweat the Small
Stuff, David Carlson recommends tak-
ing a moment each morning to think
of someone to thank. This could be a
teacher, a parent, a friend, a coworker,
or even the stranger who allowed you
to merge into traffic.
In fact, I found this very practice to be
so powerful, I included it as one of the
daily prompts in the 3-Minute Morn-
ing Journal.
37
The point is, we all have much to be
grateful for, and much of what we have
in life (even down to a positive feeling)
is the result of generosity from someone
else.
Get into the habit each morning of iden-
tifying someone you can thank and you’ll
be shocked at how much more positive,
kind, and generous you become in turn.
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

2. RECOGNIZE
3. WRITE A NOTE
THE UNRECOGNIZED

One of my favorite ways to brighten
someone’s days is to show apprecia-
tion for “the little things.”
If I can tell someone put a little extra
work into a project, I’ll make a point to
let them know I noticed. If my girlfriend
goes out of her way to stop by the of-
fice for lunch, I’ll message her later and
let her know I appreciated her taking
time out of her busy day.
If an old friend comes to mind, I might
reach out on Facebook and thank
them for their friendship. Showing ap-
preciation for the little things can make
a big difference.
Compliments and kind words are nice,
but if you want to create a little more
“oomph” to that compliment, consid-
er sending a written (yes, old-school,
hand-written) message.
I have a board up in my bedroom of
dozens of hand-written notes people
have given me over the years and I
read them often. It takes a little more
time and effort on your part, but that’s
the point. People recognize that, and
the positive effect grows exponentially.

Got it? Try it.

What can you do today to show appreci-
ation for another person? Who can you
compliment or recognize? Shoot them a
quick text or email right now, or make a
point to write a letter or complimen them
Recommended Reading
later during the day.
Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

38
 DAY 10

The Wrap-Up:
Your Relationship
Cheat Sheet

39
 MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM

WHEW, WE MADE IT.

TEN DAYS, BUT A LOT TO THINK ABOUT.

While we’ve covered significant ground, and

you are hopefully already seeing positive results,

it goes without saying that it takes longer than

ten days to make a deep, lasting impact.

To wrap things up (and make it easier to quickly

review and practice the principles we’ve

discussed), we’re ending the book with

a two-page summary of the most important

takeaways. Much easier than having to flip

through every chapter when you’re

wanting a refresher.

40
 Stronger Relationships
in 10 Days

D AY Take Responsibility for Your D AY Hone Your Validation Skills

1 Own Happiness
2 Humans have a deep-seated need to
feel heard and understood.
You (and only you) are responsible
for your own happiness. We don’t just want someone to listen,

Healthy relationships are made up we want them to validate.

of two individuals taking responsi- Effective validation:

bility for their own happiness. This 1. Identifies a specific emotion, and
doesn’t mean they don’t want close 2. Offers justification for feeling that
relationships, it simply means they emotion.
don’t need those relationships to feel
You can validate someone, even if
whole.
you disagree with them.

D AY Give Others Your Full Attention D AY Develop Greater Empathy

3 In today’s world, we are surrounded by

4 Empathy is different from sympathy.
distraction. When we sympathize, we feel for

When we’re not fully present, people someone because of his or her pain.

notice (and it damages your relation- When we empathize, we feel the pain

ship). with them.

Let people know when you’re distract- Ask questions to better understand

ed, and set up another time to chat. what they’re going through.

When talking with someone, close Imagine the other person as a

your laptop, put the phone away, and child—a younger, more vulnerable

turn off the TV. version of themselves—to help

feelings of empathy flow a little more
freely.
D AY Embrace Vulnerability D AY Watch Your Language

5 We can have no true, meaningful

connection without vulnerability.
8 Words have power—use them wisely.

Use “I” instead of “You.”

Vulnerability requires emotional
Watch out for “Buts.”
safety (i.e. someone who will respect
Avoid Absolutes.
you and what you share).

Embracing vulnerability doesn’t mean

sharing everything with everyone.
D AY Appreciation is Powerful

You can—and ought to—be selective 9 Life is difficult; we’re all doing our

in what you share, and with whom. best.

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

D AY Become Aware of Your Expectations Show appreciation for specific things

6 There is nothing wrong with expec-

tations—even high expectations. It’s
people do.

when we aren’t aware of those expec- D AY Enjoy the Journey

tations, and/or don’t communicate
them to people they involve, that we
10 Life is all about relationships. With
family, friends, coworkers, and lovers,
run into issues. human connection is what brings

To recognize hidden expectations, vitality and meaning to life.

look for resentment or emotional
turmoil in your life.
Once you recognize an expectation,
resolve to either:
1. Communicate it with the person
it involves, or
2. Be okay if it isn’t met.
Relationships should bring joy. In
this realm, practice makes better, but
never perfect. Always strive to lift,
love, and serve, and enjoy each step
along the way.

D AY Make Communication a Priority

7 Regular and candid communication

is vital to any relationship—romantic
or otherwise—and is worthy of
constant practice and improvement.

If you’re expecting something, say so. If

you’re worried about something, bring
it up. If you’re curious about some-
thing, ask. If you’re upset, talk it out. MICHAELSSORENSEN.COM
 A Final Note
Relationships take work, focus, time, and energy.
Like everything in life, you reap what you sow. But I’m
not aware of anything in life that can yield more joy and
happiness than strong, meaningful relationships. Make
them a priority, and you will do well in life.

It is my sincere hope that you’ve found the principles and

practices valuable, and that you’ll continue to practice
them in your day-to-day life.

If you’ve found this information helpful, or you have

additional thoughts, questions, or concerns, I’d love to
hear from you. Shoot me a message , and I’ll get right
back to you.

All the best,

Michael
 About the Author

Michael S. Sorensen

Michael S. Sorensen is a best-selling author and relationship

coach by day, and an avid reader, researcher, and personal
development junkie by night. His award-winning book has
skyrocketed to the #1 spot on Amazon’s best-seller lists and is
changing the way people around the world approach
relationships in business, love, and life.

For more tried-and-true insights, life-enhancing tips, and details

on his upcoming work, visit michaelssorensen.com.

© 2019 Michael S. Sorensen