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cal-Theory-by-Adalbert-Waffling
Contents:
Chapter 1
Thaums -17-
Chapter 2
Fire -39-
Water -43-
1
Earth -51-
Wind -55-
Electricity -61-
Void -65-
Surprise -69-
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
2
Foreword, Backward, and
Edward by Marcus Montefiore
4
that a beginner could grasp and build on in
the future. It took him two years to complete
the work, and another twenty of editing
before he could get all the words under seven
syllables. Despite his honest intentions, the
book is still a hard read and takes up the
whole first three years at Hogwarts and is
referenced in Charms, Transfiguration, and
Potions. The Houselves have strict
instructions to whisper passages from it to
sleeping students. The publication of that
work, Magical Theory, was one of those rare
and beautiful things that did exactly what the
maker wanted it to do: it gave the general
wizarding public a working knowledge of
magic. While it's true that there are some
wizards and witches that, through a limit of
their own talent or inclination, will only ever
think of magic as pretty lights that make
things happen, there were wizards that
ingrained the new information and ran with it
5
to the cutting edge. That basic knowledge of
how the smallest parts work they could
gradually build up more complex spells. In
the decades following Magical Theory's
addition to the syllabus of Hogwarts there
was a dramatic increase in magical
innovation. In the centuries before, new
spells were invented once in a lifetime. In the
first year of Magical Theory's publication,
seventy-two new charms were invented.
Concurrently, God only knows how many
new curses were invented that first month,
which goes to show that knowledge is the
arms dealer that sells to both sides.
Nightmarish implication of tailor made
curses notwithstanding, Magical Theory,
while debatable as a force for good or evil,
was indisputably a force to be reckoned with.
When the pureblood supremacists lost the
battle to have muggleborns excluded from
Hogwarts in 1880, their next move was to
6
attempt to have Magical Theory restricted as
reading material. Their plan backfired in the
most hilarious way possible; nothing makes a
book more popular than banning it. Magical
Theory has been translated into more than
thirty-two languages, though the title has
never been available in French. When wizard
kind came out of hiding at the conclusion of
the WWIII, Magical Theory was the first title
to be digitized under the new government's
reformation initiative.
7
game; that everything that can be invented
has been invented; what with our forests that
generate electricity, and floating buildings.
However, I remind you of a time when fire
was high tech. We had a long way to go then;
we have a long way to go now. You could be
the one that brings us to the next level and it
all starts here: the first level.
Best Regards,
Marcus Montefiore
8
Chapter 1
The Basics
9
But it was even before that that the Mayans of
the Yukatan told of a Cave that led to the
underworld and those who made the
pilgrimage would be unstoppable warriors
and great lovers. The Mayans did not go half
way on their fairy tales.
10
The tablet was found at the bottom of an
impressively deep mineshaft in a region of
Canada that has oddly variable gravity to this
day.
11
Magic as Energy
12
into steam; pigs into bacon. Combine the
iron, fire, and steam in the right pattern (what
the hell, throw in the bacon) and you've
created a steam engine. This engine (with or
without bacon) can swiftly move huge, heavy
loads vast distances.
13
Thaumatalurgical Energy
ake pure Earth Element
thaumatalurgical energy. It
can be arranged in a
tetrahedral, syzygic, or a
Hadron array to conjour a variety of ferrets,
transfigure a teacup into a waterfowl, or
varnish a deck chair.
14
these well defended filing cabinets, pentagon
shape, ten to fifteen layers deep can create a
dampening field, extending seventy
kilometers in any direction, excluding south
by southwest, that will prevent earthquakes.
This arrangement would be useless in New
Guinea without the preliminary
Ornithological inclusion of at least four
nuthatches. This is probably a bad example,
if for no other reason than it is impractical to
varnish a deck chair.
15
Basic Rules of Magic
here are four basic rules to
remember when
understanding magic.
16
Thaums
17
The International Confederation of Wizards
resisted metricizing for decades because they
believed it was too complicated.) The tool
used to measure magic is the Thaumometer.
18
Measuring in Thaums
our average thaumometer
looks a bit like a cross
between a telescope and a
mirror, if either were made
of wood. If you don't have a precision
instrument handy, which people generally
don't, it only weighs a few kilos, but it's the
size of a passenger bus, there are some rules
of thumb to estimate thaum usage.
19
make the trip between Totleigh and
Heathrow in less than four hours would use
84 thaums.
20
Internal Thaum Reserves
t's important from a safety
perspective to know how
many thaums you,
personally, can use before
fatal exhaustion sets in.
21
The Syntax of Magic
econd is the syntax of magic.
As any child, and many
species of parrot, can tell you,
if you want to cast a magic
spell, you have to know the magic words.
22
dead muggle language that refuses to die).
Lumos, clearly is Latin; Ducklifors, clearly
isn't. The fact is magical syntax is actually its
own language unto itself.
23
A) Magical Syntax predates every other
language and has outlasted every one of
them.
24
several times, for decades, but not in the way
that decent people would describe in print.
(For further reading on the subject, see
Hariyama's biography:
AAAAHAHAAAAAHAAHHHH!)
25
n Culinary magic, making a
pot of coffee just right
requires chanting for half an
hour. Most spells, though,
have simple keywords such
as Alohomora, or Jellylorum. Magic is not so
much a servant that requires careful
instructions, but can be compared to a lover
that needs to be wooed, and in some cases a
politician that needs to be bribed.
26
The Number Seven
27
In reflection of this, the field of arithmancy,
the math of magic, calculates in base 7.
Instead of going 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10,
counting would go 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 10, 11,
12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 20, and going a little
further 64, 65, 66, 100, 101, 102… and so on.
28
Slood Dynamics
hird is Slood Dynamics.
Slood is a naturally
occurring substance that can
be found easily and
abundantly.
29
never found it. They've gotten along fairly
well without Slood, but they always have the
feeling that something is missing, and this has
caused a lot of psychological issues.
-Slood floods,
-Slood tides
-Slood rain
-Slood snow
30
- Slood blizzards
-Slood typhoons
-Slood quakes
-Slood eruptions
-Slood drought, and more.
31
explanations of the different effects, so we
won't delve into it in this text.
32
Magical Temperament
33
When water gets below a certain
temperature, it will turn into ice. If magic was
the authority in that domain, every so often
cold water would turn into good whiskey to
avoid freezing.
34
bored. It is this distinctly human inclination
to cause trouble that makes the study and
implementation of magic difficult and very
often dangerous.
35
Chapter 2
36
seconds after her story fell apart due to the
fact that it in no way reflected the physical
evidence, eyewitness testimony, and damning
evidence written by her on the bathroom
wall, she would be weeping contritely and
promising to amend her ways.
37
unique flavor, mixing red and blue to make
purple, or combining country and western
music to create evil.
38
Fire
39
dragons. She was the first person recorded as
saying, "Where there's smoke, there's fire."
40
is classically associated with destruction
(forest fires, volcanoes, arson, burnt pasta) it
is actually a living element.
41
Fire element does not like being used when
the sun is not up. It acts persnickety if used
with Water. It will be more voracious if there
is a large party nearby. It will occasionally
cause people to get sick the day before an
important meeting or wedding.
42
Water
he second fundamental
element is Water. Water is
the sustaining element,
everything that lives needs
water, and by extension, pees.
43
Technically speaking, it's disappearance
wasn't magical. The issue started with the
Witch Thocekles, who lived in Atlantis.
44
nothing for tourism. Thocekles had been
studying the Water element and its defensive
applications.
45
surrounding the city. Atlantis was forever safe
from their enemy's armies, as well as the then
problematic lobster people. Without having
to worry about maintaining a standing army,
Atlantis could dedicate its resources to
innovation.
46
vampire fiction (the undisputed highest
earner).
47
volcano, move, because it will do whatever it
takes to murder you.
48
one house with thriving begonias while all the
muggles were trying to keep their babies
alive.
49
Water hangs around on commuter trains and
makes people suddenly and severely need to
use the bathroom.
50
Earth
he third fundamental
element is Earth. Earth is
the element of substance.
Earth is the simplest and
hardest element.
51
will) who originally studied and cohesively
explained the Earth element has become
something of a legendary figure. Her true
name has long been forgotten, whenever she
is referred to in antiquity, she is simply called
'The Old Potter Woman'.
52
the resulting enchantment would create or
change an object.
53
54
Wind
he fourth fundamental
element is Wind. Officially,
Wind is the element of
change, but people in the
field casually refer to it as the Douchebag
element, and throughout this text it will be
qualified with a similarly derogatory adjective
whenever it is brought up.
55
unaccountable, has no sense of responsibility
or punctuality, and keeps making fart jokes.
56
control the winds and send her ships farther
and faster, thus cornering the market on
trade.
57
The Dungbreath element is used in
hovering, flying and levitation charms. It can
also cause weightlessness when it's used as
part of a larger enchantment.
58
In the case of brooms every single twig has to
be charmed to ensure the broom doesn't start
phoning it in midflight.
59
previously been oppressing. This leads
theoreticians to believe that Wind has a real
mean streak.
60
Electricity
he fifth fundamental
element is Electricity. This
is one of those times when
Muggles were ahead of the
Wizards.
61
A muggle named Benjamin Franklin
discovered how to make miniature lightning.
The Ministry for Magic thought he had
stumbled upon some kind of magic and
ordered the local prefect, Vicera Bathroy, to
eliminate him. Since the muggle was
prominent in the local government and a
widely published journalist, so in the interest
of not drawing attention to the lightning
machine, Bathroy confiscated all his research
62
and inventions, wiped his memories of the
machine, set fire to the street, and blamed it
on the redcoats.
63
included in the execution of the full body
bind, the victim wouldn't feel the effect for a
week and a half. Electricity is more powerful
when used in areas that have high metallic
concentration; muggle cities are a prime,
tragic example.
64
Void
he sixth fundamental
element is Void. Void, as
the name implies, is used in
dark magic. Void is used in
spells that makes objects vanish, break,
explode, or causes harm to something alive.
65
notoriety spread as far as Egypt. She is
credited with creating the first Nundu (a
Nundu is a colossal murder-beast that has
never been neutralized by less than 100
skilled wizards working together.)
66
Void is strongest when the sun is down and
during an eclipse. It will make exactly one
sock disappear from the laundry, leaving you
with an odd number.
67
68
Surprise
he final fundamental
element of magic is
Surprise. The Witch who
first discovered Surprise
was Dactylos, a German who owned the
largest flobberworm ranch in the civilized
world during the great flobberworm craze of
the 1700s.
69
Cultivating flobberworms is less time
consuming than, say, making a sandwich, so
she had time left over to study the mysterious
seventh element.
70
remain mysterious, the wild card of magical
chemistry.
71
72
Chapter 3
he Seven Fundamental
Laws of Magic As we
previously explained, then
emphasized, then restated,
magic will do whatever it wants.
73
things that either can't be done or can't be
done by sane people.
74
First Law
75
In simplest terms, if you mess around with
the foundation, you'll shake everything at the
top. There are very simple basic things that
we all take for granted and some misguided
people try to mess with them.
76
Physiology, Medical Science, or Sanity, you
know that a heart isn't supposed to be outside
the body. Miraculously, the first symptom
wasn't death, and his blood kept pumping as
normal. As he so wanted, he did not fall in
love. Probably because he had mutilated
himself, no women were willing to test his
resolve.
77
Examples include the heart from the body,
the body and the soul, the soul itself should
remain whole. The mind shouldn't vacate the
body if for no other reason that something
else might end up in the body while it's
vacant. It isn't even possible for the casual
person to even conceive spells that would
affect the indivisibility of such things.
78
Second Law
79
turn a writing desk into a hog. However, this
is merely a facsimile. If you were to cut open
the hog you would find it's not flesh, but
sawdust, and the hog would be strangely
laidback about being cut open.
80
The wizard Geppetto once made a very
convincing puppet, the legendary Pinocchio.
The story tells of a fairy that turns Pinocchio
into a real boy.
81
duplicating a living animal, working under the
assumption that life can be multiplied, or at
least divided.
82
months, and then she started getting
complaints that the dogs she sold couldn't
learn any new tricks. They did not seem to
grow fond of their owners. A few more weeks
and she was getting complaints that the dogs
were…rotting. The minute the real poodle
was duplicated, it stopped being a living
animal and became two self-propelled meat
bags. The problem was remedied by putting
two real poodles together and mainlining
doggy love potions.
83
84
Third Law
85
To the casual observer not armed with a
microscope, the brick has disappeared. This
theoretical brick was tested in practice by the
witch Phirela in ancient Sparta. She vanished
a brick in a completely sealed room then
apparated outside.
86
and also depending on what is in the air at
the time.
87
course of a day. There wasn't enough gold
flecks flying through the air to make the coin
all at once, but eventually enough of it blew
within range of the spell. She posited that you
could make a self-casting device, possibly
many, that would collect gold like a reservoir
collects water.
88
Fourth Law
89
been either Inferi (a human corpse that is
moved around by an enchantment to do
certain tasks) or a person, who never died,
under a debilitatingly strong Confundus
charm.
90
from the occupant waking up and trying
desperately to claw their way out.
91
legends don't even make direct eye contact
with the idea.
92
people, nor can they communicate with the
dead, nor can they give us any hint as to what
is on the other side.
93
94
Fifth Law
95
The only thing a potion can accomplish is
creating a fixation, an obsession with a
person. The sensation only lasts as long as
the potion is in the victims system. Once the
effect wears off, the balance kicks in. In the
hours following the recovery the victim who
was previously seeing sunshine and rainbows
will have a change in attitude that can best be
described as homicidal. The person they
were previously smitten with will be the
object of their vindictive disdain. This after
effect is the reason love potions aren't actually
used very often. There is a similar effect with
cheering charms. There is a comedown
period after the charm wears off, the victim
would be hard-pressed to feel excited about a
dancing bear in a revealing nightgown.
96
Sixth Law
97
Seventh Law
98
For every spell that repairs a horse cart, there
are five curses that cause a horse plague. For
every spell that makes gold, there are five
goblins that will steal the shirt off your back
and bill you for the defrocking.
99
you have a cold, sleep it off. If you want
revenge on your enemy, learn to forgive. If
someone you love doesn't love you back,
we've all been there honey; get rip roaring
drunk, sleep in the next morning, and move
on; there's someone out there for you.
100
Chapter 4
101
species even possess sentience, which is the
ability to think intelligently, feel emotions,
and act freely. This means that humans are
not the only intelligent species on the planet
(not even the most intelligent species on the
planet).
102
Vampires were human; they procreate by –
redacted- their human victims (you don't
want to know).
103
is the absence of sentience or extreme co-
dependence.
104
threat. More humble centaurs will freely
admit that the whole thing is hit or miss.
105
They are no more than a phantasmagorical
footprint left in the ether. They are not free
floating souls, as evidenced by the fact that
the ghosts display distinctly human
psychology. They desire to taste food, and
they retain a fear of death. Souls are
immortal and don't fear death any more than
a cat fears a goldfish and don't hunger for
food any more than a rock.
106
would shatter their whole world view and
there would be rioting in the streets.
107
Muggles are aware of the existence of Octopi,
but have never discovered their vast dark
magic powers, though I can't imagine why.
108
destroyed without raising even further
questions. The muggles seemed quite content
with the explanation that these were giant
extinct animals and never brought up the
possibility of magic.
109
Dragons are newer to the world than the
invention of writing paper. A dig in Mongolia
found a protodragons alongside the ancient
bodies of ash encrusted humans.
110
both fully human and the progenitor of
Goblinkind.
111
that's what they should do. This does not
logically justify showing them reckless cruelty,
but some people still do it all the same.
112
Chapter 5
113
This is a good thing, for the most part. Most
people who are riding on a broom stick
wouldn't want the broom to get ideas about
turning into a hat rack and making an
unexpected transformation while flying a mile
over the Aral Sea.
114
Hadrian's Wall from a 15-foot tall blockade
to a 3-foot high sheep fence. This impressive
feat is famous for weakening Rome's grasp of
England and driving the emperor Hadrian
insane with confusion. In honor of his
research and subversion, these limits are
refered to as Gamp's 5 Exceptions to
Elemental Transfiguration.
115
disappointed that this is precluded from the
outset, but come to accept that this
arrangement does more good than harm.
116
he first exception is food.
Food cannot be conjured
or transfigured from a non-
food substance. This
limitation is often cursed by hungry witches
or wizards who are either lost in the
wilderness or don't feel like walking to the
kitchen. There are work-arounds for this
problem. If food is already present it can be
duplicated. A clever witch can make a bagel
last for a month, though one can't imagine
anyone willing to try. The reason for this
appears to be the complexity of food. What
117
we've always simply labeled as 'meat' or 'grain'
is actually complex chains of acids,
carbohydrates, and salts.
118
he second exception is
metal. Metal is,
proportionally, even more
stubborn than food. It can't
be conjured, transfigured, or even vanished.
This has been an underlying theme in the
struggle between muggles and wizards. It
started so long ago when humans began
designing an economic system, deviating
from their long history of eating raw meat
and living in trees. Gold had been
discovered, but had no practical application.
It was soft; useless for tools or protection, but
by this same token, it could be easily bent
into artistic shapes. By dint of being pretty, it
119
was adopted as a currency. With the advent
of currency, people could devote themselves
to industries besides growing food and
avoiding tigers.
120
The advent of ballistics allowed for ranged
attacks, which were previously exclusive to
wand wielding persons.
121
sharp you could cut yourself just by looking
at it.
122
he third exception is slood.
Slood is totally immune to
the effects of any kind of
magic.
123
he fourth exception is life.
Life cannot be created by
magic, as discussed earlier
in the fundamental laws of
magic. However, this rule is so important, it
needed repeating. A skilled witch or wizard
can turn conjure canaries out of thin air.
124
moving all together. They are merely a cheap
imitation of life. Unlike with food, life cannot
be duplicated. Any attempt to do so would be
… ugly.
125
he fifth exception is time.
As anyone who has ever
sat at the bedside of a
dying loved one can attest,
you can't create more time.
126
Honestly, if you wanted to transfigure time,
there's no consensus on which direction
you'd even point your wand.
127
much liquor in him after they buried him the
ground threw up.
128
129
130