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(Born January 9, 1968) Joey comes from an Italian American[2] family of 8 children, of which he is the only
male. He is 1/16th Portugese, but it isn't known which side of the family this comes from. He has 7 sisters:
Mary Therese, Mary Angela (with whom Chandler fooled around at Joey's birthday party), Dina, Gina,
Tina, Veronica, and Cookie. Joey is from, and was presumably born in, Queens, NY. As a child, he was
extremely accident prone.[3] He also had an imaginary friend, Maurice, who was a space cowboy.[4]
He moved apartments four times in the series. The first time, he moved to his own lavish apartment away
from Chandler (with whom the psychotic Eddie moved in) after he got the role as Dr. Drake Ramoray
on Days of Our Lives, though he moved back soon afterward due to his loss of the role. The other times
were when he and Chandler moved into what is usually Monica's apartment, after winning it from her in a
game in "The One with the Embryos". They were later forced back to their own apartment by the girls.
Joey is a "stereotypical" actor: oversexed, under-educated and constantly looking for work. He was
ordained as a minister in The One with the Truth About London, and officiated at both Monica and
Chandler and Phoebe and Mike's weddings. It is revealed in The One After "I Do"that Joey has size
seven feet, which he is secretive and defensive about. He also has a soft toy penguin named Huggsy (his
"bedtime penguin pal"), whom he is very fond of and does not like to share. He also doesn't like sharing
food and has a huge difficulty with simple mathematics (evidenced by his using a calculator to add
together 500 and 500). In sports, Joey likes the New York Yankees in baseball, New York
Knicksin basketball, New York Giants in football, and the New York Rangers in hockey.
Joey's first line at the show was "Come on, you are going out with the guy! There's gotta be something
wrong with him", when Monica refuses to give details about a guy she dates. His last line is a response to
Phoebe that said "I guess this is it". Joey answers "Yeah. I guess so."
[edit]Personality
Joey is characterized as a simple-minded but good-natured womanizer who loves food. He particularly
loves meatball sub sandwiches. When asked if he would give up sex or food he had trouble deciding and
kept blurting out sex or food, eventually yelling "I want girls on bread!". InThe One with the Ride Along, he
appears to be saving Ross from a putative gunshot, when it was actually his meatball sandwich that he
was trying to save; it was just near Ross. He also loves the "Joey Special"—two pizzas. He is something
of an idiot savant in matters of romance, often relying on his catchphrase pickup line "How you doin'?" but
capable of good ideas when the situation arises. This is alluded to in the episode "The One Where Ross
Dates a Student", when Chandler, referring to Joey, says "A hot girl's at stake and suddenly he's Rain
Man" when Joey suggested Ross work out which of students called him the 'hottie of the paleontology
department' by comparing the handwriting of the note to the handwriting in the class essays. In another
example, Joey made up an anecdote referred to as the "Europe story" or the "magic story"; apparently,
anyone who hears it will immediately want to have sex with the teller.[5] This was proven to be effective in
"The One With the Videotape", when it was discovered that Rachel successfully used the story on Ross
(although, as Ross was aware of the story beforehand, the mere fact of Rachel using it would have been
enough to imply that she was hitting on him). He is also clever at other times, for example, in "The One
With Ross’s Teeth", while the other five friends (except Chandler) sat around at Central Perk pondering
why their bosses don't like them, it was Joey who pointed out, "Maybe it's because you're all sitting
around here at 11:30 on a Wednesday."
Joey is extremely promiscuous with women. In "The One with Monica's Thunder", Chandler ask Joey,
"You've had a lot of sex, right?", to which Joey replies, "Today? Some ... not a lot." He sleeps with many
of the interns and extras on shows on which he works (Although he was prepared to decline an offer to
have sex with a casting agent because he wanted to be cast for his acting skills rather than his sexual
performance; his integrity prompted the agent to give him a bigger part than the one he originally
auditioned for). He has apparently been sexually active for a very long time; he undid a 16-year-old girl's
bra when he was nine, slept with his teacher in the seventh grade, and he had a wild spring break when
he was 13. He is very charming to all women but can never seem to get into a committed relationship.
He is also shown to be something of a Stephen King fan, stating he reads The Shining over and over
again, as well as being a fan of a film adaptation of one of his novels, Cujo. He also became a fan of the
classic novel, Little Women after Rachel asked him to read it to see if it was better than The Shining. Joey
grew to love the novel and became grief-stricken when one of the main characters was dying.
Other known roles of Joey's during the run of Friends include a spot in a commercial for "Lipstick for Men"
that aired only in Japan, aninfomercial for a device that lets you pour milk out of milk cartons, a leading
role in the World War I period film Over There, and a starring role in a very short-lived cop show
called Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E, which was cancelled halfway through its first series. In terms of stage work,
he appeared in a play called Boxing Day in which his character of "Victor" goes to outer space, and
played the leading role of Sigmund Freud in the play Freud! Monica and Chandler also once discussed
having seen Joey in a version of Macbeth. In season one Chandler also states having seen Joey in a
remake of "Pinocchio".
In one episode, Joey was up for a starring role in a film in which he had to play a Catholic immigrant. The
film called for a nude sex scene, but Joey didn't realize until after he landed a casting call that he lacked
an essential piece of equipment for the role. When Joey explained the situation to Monica, they frantically
tried to artificially create one using Silly putty. All seemed to go well until Joey stripped nude at the casting
call and his 'foreskin' fell off, prompting him to respond, "Well, that's never happened before."
In addition to the quick cancellation of Mac and C.H.E.E.S.E., Joey also had some other remarkably bad
luck in terms of his acting career. He filmed a role in a Law & Order episode that was cut from the
completed episode—Joey was only "seen" as a corpse in a body bag. He was also cast in
the independent film Shutter Speed, but it was shut down before filming began. Also, he was fired from
a Burger Kingcommercial. Later, on the spin-off show Joey, Joey turned down a role in
a sitcom called Nurses to star in a different series pilot. His pilot did not get picked up,
while Nurses became a huge hit.
However, his acting career has had some better moments. In Joey, it is revealed that Joey's character of
Dr. Drake Ramoray died again onDays of our Lives when a nurse stabbed him while he was operating on
her husband ("Joey and the Wrong Name"). He won a Daytime Soap Award for "Best Death Scene". In
later Joey episodes, Joey landed a starring role on the prime time soap Deep Powder. When he got fired
from that job, he almost immediately bounced back by snagging a leading role in the big-
budget action picture Captured.
Joey briefly mentions to the gang that Al Pacino is his idol. In Friends, Joey has the poster for the 1983 Al
Pacino film Scarface in his bedroom. The same poster is seen in his house in Joey. In one episode, Joey
was hired as Al Pacino's "butt double"—a role he later lost due to overacting.[6] He also mentioned that his
favorite movie is Die Hard.
[edit]Other jobs
Joey was also briefly employed at Central Perk as a waiter. Facing a dry spell in his career as an actor,
Joey was persuaded by Gunther, the manager, to take a job serving coffee.[7] At first Joey tried to hide his
new job from his friends, but they eventually figured it out. He did not like the work but, true to his nature,
soon found a way to use his position to meet and ingratiate himself to attractive women by giving them
free food, a practice to which Gunther quickly put a stop. Joey didn't take his job very seriously and spent
a lot of his working hours sitting and talking to his friends. Eventually he was fired for closing
the coffeehouse in the middle of the day to go to an audition while Gunther was running a personal
errand. Rachel later persuaded Gunther to give Joey back his job, but once Joey found more steady
acting jobs he eventually just stopped showing up. His absence was barely noticed. In a later episode,
Joey realizes he forgot to tell Gunther he quit to which Gunther replied that he would've eventually fired
him anyway.
Another one of Joey's jobs when he was low on money was as a sperm donor for an experiment that
a hospital was conducting; at the end, the hospital would pay any donors $700. This was later mentioned
when Monica was trying to get over her breakup with Richard Burke. She decided that she wanted a baby
so she was looking for sperm donors and realized that one of the anonymous donors was Joey. Joey was
later very offended when he learned that his sperm had not been very popular.
Some of Joey's other jobs have included selling Christmas trees, dressing as Santa Claus and as
a Christmas elf, working as a tour guide at the Museum of Natural History where Ross worked,
offering perfume samples to customers at a department store, and as a Roman warrior at Caesar's
Palace in Las Vegas.
He also worked at the restaurant "Alessandro's" where Monica was head chef, nicknaming himself
"Dragon" while on the job. Monica hired him just so she could fire him to intimidate the other employees
who paid Monica no respect, but he made a lot of tips and backed out of the deal, only to realize how
important his getting fired was to Monica. He then set himself up to be fired the next day.
He spent one episode working with Chandler as an entry-level processor. He treated the job like another
acting role where he was "Joseph the Processing Guy" and created a complex back-story for the
character. Chandler began to dislike the Joseph character when he started showing up Chandler while
working. Joey eventually left after Chandler pretended to sleep with Joey's pretend wife and he realized
that Chandler disliked the Joseph character.
Prior to Monica and Chandler's wedding, when the two admitted that they were having trouble finding
someone to perform the ceremony, Joey volunteered for the role, subsequently getting himself ordained
over the Internet to entitle him to perform the marriage. He has apparently retained this role at least until
Season Ten, when he performed the ceremony for Phoebe and Mike's wedding, claiming that priests are
allowed to ride the subway for free (Although he states that the Bible must be read very carefully to
identify the passage that permits this).
[edit]Relationships
[edit]Chandler
Joey was originally shunned by Chandler when he came in for a roommate interview, and Joey thought
Chandler was gay. However, Mr. Heckles, another building resident, interfered with Chandler's originally
selected roommate, allowing Joey to move in (In "The One with the Flashback" set in 1996, Joey moved
in 3 years before although in "The One with All the Thanksgivings" it shows that the gang knew Joey was
Chandler's roommate in 1992 and he would have been his roommate for quite some time). Joey's first
couple of days involved a brief, mutual attraction with Monica. This subsided and Chandler and Joey
began to grow close and become best friends, as Joey's relaxinglifestyle began to grow on Chandler.
Later in the series, they bought a chick and a duck together, whom Chandler had named Yasmine and
Dick, respectively. A long-running gag depicted Joey and Chandler occasionally fighting with each other
like an old married couple, with Chandler often assuming the wife role while Joey assumed the husband
role—this eventually ended when Chandler became permanentlypaired with Monica. Joey moved out
temporarily when he found success as Dr. Drake Ramoray, but soon moved back in. At the end of the
series, Chandler and Monica made it clear to Joey that their new house outside of the city would have a
room for him.
[edit]Ross
Joey's relationships with the other Friends have always been very friendly. He is best friends with
Chandler, and Ross is a close second (although Ross has been referred to as his best friend several
times). At a time when Joey and Chandler had problems, when Chandler had kissed Joey's girlfriend,
Joey had stopped acting as Chandler's best friend and replaced him with Ross although this only lasted
until Chandler spent Thanksgiving in a box in order to show his respect and apology towards him. Joey
and Chandler had remained best friends ever since.
Furthermore, Joey and Ross shared a moment in an episode after watching Die Hard all night. They fall
asleep on Ross' couch, which is eventually enjoyed by Joey who tried to coerce Ross into more nap
sessions with him. Also, earlier in the series, after much persuading by Joey, Ross gives in and kisses
him to help him practice kissing men. In response, Joey replies that the audition was already over, he
hadn't gotten the part, but the kiss was very well received.
[edit]Monica
Joey allowed Monica to hire and fire him to prove to her employees that she was not a pushover. When
he discovered that Monica and Chandler had developed a romantic relationship, he agreed to keep it
secret until the two were ready to reveal it to the rest of their group. He also called Chandler moments
after suspecting Monica of having an affair with a mystery male he had heard in her apartment.
Rachel and the other women on the show have been the object of many sexist comments from Joey,
especially Monica. Chandler once put it, "Your long-standing offer to have sex with my wife is much
appreciated." This apparent boorishness notwithstanding, however, he always enjoyed a close
relationship with Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe; LeBlanc once speculated that Joey saw the girls as sisters
more than potential romantic interests.
In one of the later episodes, Joey had a romantic dream about Monica, and thought that he might be in
love with her. Things were later cleared up, and Joey has considered her a friend ever since, but later
after he had that romantic dream he never really wanted to see her because he was too embarrassed.
[edit]Phoebe
When Phoebe was a surrogate mother for her brother's triplets and suddenly craved meat, Joey offered
to eat no meat until the babies were born, to compensate for her consumption and, in a way, preserve
her vegetarianism (no extra animals would have to be killed). In The One With All the Cheesecakes, it is
shown that the two tried to meet once a month for dinner in order to discuss the other Friends. When
Phoebe was upset because she'd turned thirty-one without having had the perfect kiss, Joey kissed her
so that she could cross that off of her list (also adding that he was one-sixteenth Portuguese when she
mentioned that she hadn't met any Portuguese people).
Interestingly, Joey did share romantic feelings for Phoebe. Joey thinks Monica is hot and Rachel too, and
is shown flipping for them at several instances. Joey dates Phoebe's twin sister Ursula, which upsets
Phoebe. According to Joey, "Phoebe is Phoebe, Ursula is Hot".
When Monica finds out that Joey "sees a friend in a different way", she assumes it to be Phoebe. Phoebe,
overwhelmed by the news, approaches Joey, only to find that it is Rachel for 'heaven sakes'. Phoebe also
has Joey locked in as a backup for her marriage.
When the Friends believe that the group may have to split up, Phoebe and Rachel conspire to form a
separate group by themselves, but Phoebe insists that Joey be invited to their new group as well.
Phoebe's loyalty is proved again when she states that she could live in Las Vegas, since it has everything
she needs, "Including Joey!". He in turn invites her to live with him in the mansion he expected to own
when he becomes rich from having a hand twin. Phoebe also once says, "When the Revolution comes, I
will have to destroy you all." After a moment's pause, she adds with a smile, "Not you, Joey".
When Joey learned from a customer at Central Perk that Phoebe was apparently a porn star, although he
subsequently rented some of 'Phoebe's' movies to reveal his latest news to the others, he refused to
watch the movies even when the other four decided to do so, although he showed a new interest in them
when he learned that it was actually Ursula rather than Phoebe.
In The One With the Red Sweater, when Joey believed Phoebe to be pregnant, he proposed marriage,
claiming the world is too scary for asingle mother. This proposal was apparently made without entirely
romantic intentions. Phoebe says yes and accepts his ring, but Monica tells Joey that it is Rachel who is
pregnant, so Joey proposes to Rachel and must retrieve the ring from a reluctant Phoebe.
Phoebe also sets up Joey with many of her friends. On a double date, Joey sets her up with a stranger,
Mike, whom she eventually marries.
[edit]Age
Joey's age is not consistently treated. In "The One with the Birth", which aired on May 11, 1995, Joey
says he is 25 which would make him younger than Monica who said she was 26. In "The One Where
Joey Moves Out", which aired less than a year later in February, 1996, Joey says he is 28. The latter
would put his birth in 1967 or early 1968, which allows him to be older than Chandler, which he must be if
the events in "The One Where They All Turn Thirty", from February 2001, are correct. In "The One With
Russ", which aired in January, 1996, Joey says he has been acting for 10 years. In "The One With The
Cake", from October 2003, it's said that in 17 years Joey would be 52 which means his age is 35 that
time.
[edit]Post-Friends
[edit]Joey TV series
After the 2003/2004 final season of Friends, Joey Tribbiani became the main character of Joey, a spin-
off TV series, where he moved to L.A. to polish his acting career. His sister Gina Tribbiani and her son
Michael were two other central characters of the show. Gina is a straightforward woman who proudly
dresses in revealing clothing. Michael is a shy science major at Caltech who is not good at socializing
with women. Joey becomes good friends with an attractive female attorney named Alex, who, along with
her husband, a traveling musician named Eric, is Joey's landlord. Joey hires a new agent named Bobbie
Morgenstern, who is herself rather boorish, and not very sympathetic to Joey. Michael, wanting to get out
on his own away from his mother, moves in with Joey, though Gina is still a frequent presence at Joey
and Michael's apartment (still appearing to do Michael's laundry, for example).
Lucy Liu eventually joins the cast as the executive producer of Deep Powder. Joey also begins a romantic
relationship with a neighboring photographer named Sarah (Mädchen Amick), his first ongoing
relationship that lasts more than one episode since his fling with Rachel onFriends. This too, however,
ends when Sarah leaves Joey for her new job in Washington DC, feeling that their relationship wasn't
serious enough for her to stay.
Following Sarah's departure, Alex separates from Eric and finds solace in Joey's arms, but this too does
not last.
Then, after being killed off Deep Powder, for being too demanding, because he thought "America loves
me", Joey got his first real big break on the blockbuster movie Captured.[8]
He later buys a house that burns down and sees his sister reunited with the father of her child. As the
series ends, he is in a committed relationship with Alex and watches his sister marry the father of her
child creating a new family.
Joey's final line was, to Alex, "There it is, you did it".[9]
1. How you doin’? Always ask how someone is doing. When there are problems, give them a
listening ear. When there aren’t problems, they will like it that you’ve asked. Showing interest
every once in a while makes us a better person, not only in the eyes of others, but also towards
yourself! And, of course, it is a great pick-up line.
2. Pizza is a snack. Pizza isn’t a good meal, it’s just a snack. Eat pizza when you feel like a
snack. Have pizza for lunch, pizza is more than a quick dinner. Enjoy pizza, everytime you want!
3. Never give up. Joey is an actor with not that much success. He had played once in a
commercial, he played Kevin who couldn’t open a milk package. But he keeps doing what he
wants to do and eventually becomes ‘Dr. Drake Romoray, neurosurgeon.’ Friends stopped after
10 seasons and what did Joey do? He started the show ‘Joey.’ Don’t give up.
4. Don’t act smarter than you are. Joey is honest, when Ross starts to talk about
paleontology, Joey says he doesn’t understand it. He knows he is pretty stupid and he is not
afraid to admit it. Don’t act smarter than you are, eventually, people will look through your act!
5. Invent cool games. FIREBALL! Come on guys, invent some cool games, submit them here
in the comments and let’s go play them!
6. You can’t do it alone. Than Joey, he is fun without the others, but not that much fun. Joey
needs other people, his spinoff was bit of a flop. Don’t forget that you are not alone, find
likeminded people and enjoy.
Those are 5 things we can learn from the legendary Joey Tribbiani. These 5 things could make us a
lot cooler. It won’t make us a Joey, but it will definitly develop our personalities. Good luck.
Funny quotes by Joey
"Friends: The One Where No One's Ready (#3.2)" (1996)
Joey: Here it is, buddy boy. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh, my God, that is so not the opposite of taking someone's underwear.
Joey: Look at me, I'm Chandler, could I *be* wearing any more clothes?
Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in
the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole."
Joey: Okay.
[He gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave]
Chandler: What are you doing?
Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions.
Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair.
Joey: THAT'S RIGHT. I'm taking the ESSENCE.
Chandler: Oh-ho, he'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room.
Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is: You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own.
Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!
Joey: Look at me - I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going
commando!
Chandler: Ugh UGH!
Joey: Phew! I tell you, it's hot with all this stuff on. I better not do any - you know - lunges!
Phoebe: They don't know we know they know we know. And Joey, you can't say anything.
Joey: Couldn't if I wanted to.
Joey: Hey check it out. Ugly Naked Guy's got a naked friend.
Rachel: Omigod. That's our friend. It's naked Ross.
Monica: Yeah, and Dad, Chandler didn't melt your records. Ross did. And Dad, you remember that
mailman you got fired? He didn't steal your playboys, Ross did.
Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn't break the porch swing, Monica did.
Monica: Ross hasn't worked at the museum in a year!
Ross: Monica and Chandler are living together.
Monica: Ross married Rachel in Vegas and got divorced... again!
Phoebe: I love Jacques Cousteau!
Rachel: I wasn't supposed to put peas in a trifle.
Joey: I wanna go!
Judy Geller: That's a lot of information to get in thirty seconds. All right, Joey, if you wanna leave, just
leave. Rachel, no, you weren't supposed to put peas in the trifle. It did not taste good. Phoebe, I'm sorry,
but I think Jacques Cousteau is dead. Monica, why you felt you had to hide the fact that you had an
important relationship is beyond me.
Rachel: Joey, what is wrong with your appartment? It's like a hundred degrees in there.
Joey: Did it make you want to walk around in your underwear?
Rachel: No.
Joey: Still not hot enough!
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Doesn't Like Dogs (#7.8)" (2000)
Chandler: And, Joey, while I'm gone don't let Ross look at any maps of the States or the globe in your
apartment.
Joey: Don't worry. It's not a globe of the United States.
Joey: [about Rachel's assistant, Tag] If he doesn't like you, then this is all just a moo point.
Rachel: Huh. A moo point?
Joey: Yeah, it's like a cow's opinion, you know, it just doesn't matter. It's "moo".
Rachel: Have I been living with him for too long, or did that all just make sense?
Rachel: If a guy just broke up with his girlfriend, how long do you think is an appropriate time to wait
before you... make a move?
Phoebe: I'd say about, a month.
Monica: Really? I'd say three or four.
Joey: Half hour.
Rachel: Interesting.
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Finds Out (#1.24)" (1995)
Chandler: [Rachel is opening presents on her birthday]
[pointing out a gift]
Chandler: OK, this one right here is from me.
Rachel: [picks it up] OK... ah, it's light...
[shakes it]
Rachel: ... it rattles... it's...
[opens it]
Rachel: Travel Scrabble! Oooohhh, thank you!
[she gives it back to him]
Rachel: [Chandler looks dejected. Rachel picks up another gift] This one's from Joey... feels like a book.
Thinks it's a book... feels like a book. And...
[opens it]
Rachel: ... it's a book!
Phoebe: Oh, it's Dr. Seuss!
Joey: [to Rachel] That book got me through some tough times.
Melanie: There is a little child inside this man!
Chandler: Yes, the doctors say if they remove it, he'll die.
Rachel: [Rachel picks up the next gift] Who's this from?
Chandler: Oh, that's Ross's.
Rachel: Oh...
[opens it]
Rachel: ...
[sees it is a pin]
Rachel: Oh my God. He remembered.
Phoebe: Remembered what?
Rachel: It was like months ago. We were walking by this antique store, and I saw this pin in the window,
and I told him it was just like one my grandmother had when I was a little girl. Oh! I can't believe he
remembered!
Chandler: Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?
[pats his Travel Scrabble game]
Phoebe: Oh, it's so pretty. This must have cost him a fortune.
Monica, Rachel: I can't believe he did this.
Chandler: Come on, Ross? Remember back in college, when he fell in love with Carol and bought her
that ridiculously expensive crystal duck?
Rachel: [Everyone looks at him. He realizes he just spilled the beans about Ross's crush on Rachel] What
did you just say?
Chandler: [panicked] ahem... um... Crystal duck.
Rachel: No, no, no... the, um, the... 'love' part?
Chandler: [stuttering incoherently] F-hah... flennin...
Rachel: Oh... my God.
Chandler: [rubbing his temples] Oh, no no no no no...
Joey: [pats Chandler on the leg] That's good, just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.
Joey: Well, the tough thing is she really wants to have sex with me.
Chandler: Crazy bitch...
Joey: Ya, well, i still got a week left to go in the program and according to the rules if i wanna get the
money i am not allowed to conduct any personal experiments, if you know what i mean.
Monica: Joey! We always know what you mean.
[talking to Ross]
Joey: ...I may only have a couple beers in me, but... I love you, man.
Chandler: I'm still on my first. I just think you're nice.
Joey: Ok Ross, you're gettin a divorce... you're angry, you're hurtin... can I tell you what the answer is?...
STRIP JOINTS! Come on! You're single! Have some hormones!
Ross: But I don't want to be single... I just want to be married again
[Rachel walks in wearing wedding dress]
Chandler: And I just want a million dollars!
[They are reminiscing on their worst Thanksgivings, Phoebe remembers some from past lives]
Joey: Hey, how come I can't remember my past lives?
Phoebe: That's cause you're brand new honey.
Phoebe Buffay: A house for dolls. That's great. When I was growing up I had a barrel.
Joey: You had a barrel for a doll house?
Phoebe Buffay: No, just a barrel.
Phoebe: [watching E.T] You know what's sadder than this? Bambi. I cried for 3 days to that. No, 2. Cause
on the third day my mother killed herself, so I was partly crying for that.
Chandler: See now that I can understand crying over, but Bambi is a cartoon.
Joey: You didn't cry when Bambi's mom died?
Chandler: Yes it was very sad, when the guy stopped drawing the deer.
Joey: [Joey thinks Phoebe has been acting in porno videos] A guy in the coffee shop told me he was a
fan of Phoebe's. I thought he was talking about her singing, but he claims she is a porn star. So, I went to
the adult video store and picked this up.
Ross: [taking the video] Let me see that. 'Buffay, the Vampire Layer' starring Phoebe Buffay. All right, let's
check it out!
Joey: Guys, Phoebe is our friend. I refuse to watch this.
[goes over and sits at the table with his back to the TV]
Ross: Wow! I didn't know Pheebs had that particular talent.
Rachel: Wait a minute; Phoebe doesn't have a tattoo on her ankle! My God, that's Ursula!
Joey: [jumping up from the table] Ursula! Alright! Run it back! Run it back!
Ross: Boy, Phoebe is going to be pissed. Why is Ursula using Phoebe's name?
Phoebe: [coming in the apartment] Hi everybody, what are you ...
[screams and points at the TV]
Phoebe: Ahhhhhhh! What am I doing?
Mr. Treeger: [notices that Joey and Chandler have free porn] Wow, hey. That lady is all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and BAM. It was like
finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the tv. I never got it back again.
[pause]
Mr. Treeger: And I'm sad.
Joey: [to Chandler] Why would he turn off the tv?
Mr. Treeger: [notices that Joey and Chandler have free porn] Wow, hey. That lady is all kinds of naked.
Chandler: Yeah, Joey just pressed something on the remote and it just came on.
Mr. Treeger: Yeah, it happened to me once. I was just flipping through the channels and BAM. It was like
finding money.
Chandler: Like finding money with naked people on it.
Mr. Treeger: Then I made the mistake of turning off the tv. I never got it back again.
[pause]
Mr. Treeger: And I'm sad.
Joey: [to Chandler] Why would he turn of the tv?
Rachel: Ross! Chandler wrote something about me on his computer and he won't let me see!
Ross: He won't he won't. Because, isn't that, the short story, you were writing?
Chandler: Yes, yes it is, the short story... that I was writing.
Rachel: Well, let me read it!
Ross, Chandler, Joey: NO.
Rachel: Come ON!
Joey: Hey, uh, why don't you read it... to her?
Chandler: All right! Uh... It was summer... and it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely grey couch. "Oh
look!" cried Ned. And then, the kingdom was his forever THE END.
Ross: That's it that's all you wrote? You're the worst writer in the whole world!
Joey Tribbiani: You know how we're always saying we need a place for the mail?
Chandler Bing: Yeah?
Joey Tribbiani: Well, I started building one. But then I decided to take it to the next step.
Chandler Bing: You're building a Post Office?
Chandler Bing: [about the entertainment center being too large] Ah, good job Joe.
Joey Tribbiani: Wow. It's big.
Chandler Bing: Yeah, so big that it actually makes our doors look smaller.
Joey Tribbiani: Maybe my ruler's wrong.
Phoebe Buffay: Maybe *all* the rulers are wrong.
Joey Tribbiani: Every inch of this is glued down, it'll take forever, just leave it.
Monica Geller: You can't just leave it, you gouged a hole in my dingy floor.
[Joey puts the toilet brush over the hole]
Monica Geller: That's nice, they can put it back there after the doctors remove it from your colon.
"Joey: Joey and the Perfect Storm (#1.5)" (2004)
Michael Tribbiani: Well don't do the one with the dialogue 'cause you dont know that one
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah but I haven't studied the dancing in that cowboy thing at all
[does dance move]
Gina Tribbiani: [laughing] oh, please do that one!
Joey Tribbiani: Ooo Sandiago ... only 28 more days till sea world.
Joey: Come on, man, you never wanna do anything since you and Janice broke up.
Chandler: That's not true. I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day. I wanted to start
drinking in the morning. Don't say that I don't have goals!
Rachel Green: Maybe there's some kind of league that we can join.
Phoebe: Isn't there a National Football League or something?
Joey: Yeah, but they only play on Sunday and Monday nights.
Rachel Green: Oh shoot. I work Monday nights.
Joey's Doctor: Now, ordinarily Mr. Tribbiani, we try to break up the stones up with shock waves, but
they're too close to the bladder now. Which means we can either wait for you to pass them or else go up
the urethra!
Joey: [interrupting] Whoa-whoa! No-no-no-no-no, nothing is going up! Okay? Up, up is not an option -
what's a urethra?
[Monica whispers in his ear]
Joey: Are you crazy?
Joey Tribbiani: I dont care how old you are as long as you're under my roof you only live by my rules. And
that means no sleeping with your girlfriend.
"Friends: The One Where Joey Loses His Insurance (#6.4)" (1999)
[Joey has a bad hernia and is in massive pain]
Phoebe: Hey! Maybe you'll die!
Joey: [voice cracks] Chandler, I'm scared.
Phoebe: No, we can go together. Just don't wait too long, because I'm outta here sometime before
Friday.
Joey: But I don't wanna die.
Phoebe: No, no, it'll be fun. We'll come back and haunt these guys!
Joey: Wait, could I come back and haunt Monica and Rachel when they're in the shower?
Chandler: That's my girlfriend!
Joey: Hey, I'm dead!
[Ross and Chandler have been arm wrestling for a long time]
Mona: Wow. They must both be very strong.
Joey: Or equally weak.
Boy in the Cape: My friend told me you were giving out money.
Rachel Green: I was but now we got candy.
Boy in the Cape: I'd rather have the money.
Rachel Green: Well, that's not your choice. Happy Halloween.
Boy in the Cape: This isn't fair.
Rachel Green: Well, is it fair that all you had to do was put on a cape and I have to give you free stuff?
Boy in the Cape: Shut up.
Rachel Green: You shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You can't tell me to shut up.
Rachel Green: Uh, I think I just did. And uh oh, here it comes again. Shut up.
Joey: Uh, Rach...
Rachel Green: No. I got it. I'm good, I got it.
[back to the kid]
Rachel Green: Now I had one more thing to say to you. Oh, right. Shut up.
Boy in the Cape: You're a mean old woman.
[crying, running away]
Rachel Green: No, wait, shut up. I mean don't cry. No I'll get my check book.
[runs after the kid]
Rachel: You know, Joey, I could teach you to sail, if you want.
Joey: You could?
Rachel: Yeah! I've been sailing my whole life. When I was fifteen my dad bought me my own boat.
Phoebe: Your own boat?
Rachel: What? What? He was trying to cheer me up! My pony was sick.
Monica: [reading Joey's letter from his stalker] Wait a minute; this wasn't mailed to "Days of Our Lives". It
wasn't even mailed. Joey, this woman was in our building; she knows where you live.
Joey: All right! I got my own stalker!
Chandler: You're so lucky; I have to share my stalker with five other guys at work.
Rachel: Joey, remember when we talked about good thing-bad thing? This is a baaaad thing.
Joey: [mumbling over a cell phone to Chandler] Mmmm mmm mmm mmmm mm mmmm mmmmm
mmmmm mmmmm.
Chandler: Like that thought never entered my mind.
[All sitting around coffee table talking about their "weirdest place"]
Rachel: Come on, someone go.
Monica: OK, I'll go, Senior year of college on a pool table.
Ross: That's my sister.
Joey: OK, my weirdest place would have to be... the women's room on the second floor of the New York
City Public Library.
Monica: Oh my God. What were YOU doing in a library?
Ross: Phoebs, what about you?
Phoebe: Oh um... Milwaukee.
Rachel: Um... Ross?
Ross: Disneyland, 1989, 'It's a Small World After All'. The ride broke down. So, Carol and I went behind a
couple of those mechanical dutch children... then they fixed the ride and we were asked never to return to
the Magic Kingdom.
Phoebe: Ooh, Rachel.
Rachel: Oh come on, I already went.
Monica: You did not go.
Rachel: All right... the weirdest place, would have to be... oh... the foot of the bed.
Ross: Step back...
Joey: We have a winner!
Chandler: [the girls are trying to keep their apartment after losing it in a bet with the guys] Open up, open
up, open up!
[pounds on door]
Monica Geller: We'll discuss it in the morning!
Chandler: What the hell is going on?
Rachel Green: We took our apartment back!
Phoebe Buffay: I had nothing to do with it. Okay, it was my idea, but I don't feel good about it.
Chandler: We are switching back right now!
Monica Geller: No we're not! We're not leaving!
Chandler: Well, you're gonna have to leave sometime, because you both have jobs, and as soon as you
do, we're switching it back! There's nothing you can do to stop us! Right, Joe?
Joey: I don't know.
Chandler: What?
Joey: I don't wanna move again!
Chandler: I don't care, this is our apartment! And they stole-you stole it-our apartment, and we won that
apartment fair and square, twice! And I am getting it back right now. I'm getting back right now!
Rachel Green: All right. We figured you might respond this way, so we have a backup offer.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, no more offers. You can't offer anything to us!
Rachel Green: Let us keep the apartment and...
Monica Geller: As a thank you, Rachel and I will kiss for one minute.
Chandler: [next scene, Joey and Chandler are returning to their apartment, stretching while walking]
Totally worth it!
Joey: That was one good minute!
Dr. Ross Geller: [about Emily] She lives there. I live here. I mean, she'd have to move here.
[pause]
Dr. Ross Geller: She should move here!
Joey: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: I can ask her to live with me.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Dr. Ross Geller: Why not? I mean, why not?
Chandler: Because you've only known her for six weeks! Ok? I've got a carton of milk in my refrigerator
I've had a longer relationship with.
Amy: Ok, how about this? If you guys die, and the crazy plate lady dies then do I get the baby?
Chandler Bing: No, if crazy plate lady... if Monica dies then I would get Emma, right?
Rachel: Well, actually...
Chandler Bing: Actually, what?
Ross: It's just that in that case then Emma would go to my parents.
Chandler Bing: What?
Amy: [to Chandler] Hurts, doesn't it?
Joey: Who has to die for me to get her?
Chandler Bing: So, if Monica's not around I'm not good enough to raise Emma?
Ross: No, that is not what we are saying
[looks down]
Ross: .
Joey: Yeah, he's lying. He looked down.
Chandler Bing: Well, what is wrong with me? Am I incompetent? Because I managed to survive whatever
it is that killed the three of you.
Chandler: Yo, paisan. Can I talk to you for a sec? Your tailor... is a very bad man!
Joey: Frankie? What are you talking about?
Ross: [Ross enters and touches Chandler on the shoulder, who flinches]
Ross: Hey, what's going on?
Chandler: Joey's tailor... took advantage of me.
Ross: What?
Joey: No way. I've been going to theguy for 12 years.
Chandler: Oh, come on. He said he was going to do my inseam, and then he ran his hand up my leg, and
then there was definite... cupping.
Joey: That's how they do pants! First they go up one side, they move it over, then they go up the other
side, they move it back, and then they do the rear.
Joey: [Chandler and Ross stare at him] What? Ross, would you tell him? Isn't that how a tailor measure
pants?
Ross: Yes. Yes, it is... In prison! What's the matter with you?
Chandler: That's the magical story you use when you want to have sex.
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do YOU know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy.
Joey: [raising his hand] some guy.
Rachel: No, she told me his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: [raising his hand again] Ken Adams.
Joey: Listen, the next time you talk to him, can you ask him which one the strongest "Power Ranger" is?
[Ross and Chandler laugh]
Ross: Oh, yeah.
Monica Geller: Ha,ha, ha, oh my life is just so amusing. Could we drop it now?
Joey: Sorry.
Ross: It's morphin time!
Joey: Stegosaurus!
Chandler: Tyrannosaurus!
[Joey, Ross and Chandler cross their arms like the "Power Rangers" do]
Interviewer: One last question. Other than "Days of Our Lives" what other soap operas do you watch?
Joey: Oh I don't watch soap operas. I mean excuse me, I have a life you know.
Interviewer: Thank you. I'm sure the readers of Soap Opera Digest will be very interested to hear that.
Joey: In my spare time I... uh... read to the blind. And I'm also a Mento for the kids. You know, a mento...
a role model.
Interviewer: A Mento?
Joey: Right.
Interviewer: Like the candy?
Joey: Matter of fact, I do.
Rachel: Finally. I get to see what Joey Tribianni is like on a date. So, you got any moves?
Joey: No. I'm just myself, and if the girl doesn't like that then...
[breaks down laughing]
Joey: I'm sorry, I couldn't even get through that.
Joey Tribbiani: Between Monica, Phoebe, Chandler and Ross if you had to, who would you punch?
Rachel: No one, they are my friends. I wouldn't punch any of them.
Joey Tribbiani: Chandler?
Rachel: Yeah, but I don't know why.
Joey Tribbiani: It's like I would have said in that science fiction movie if I'd have gotten the part "our men
are in there and we have to get them out, even if I have to sacrifice my most precious thing in the world,
my time machine"
Chandler: Did that movie ever get made?
Joey Tribbiani: It did not.
Joey: Maybe we can lure them out somehow. Do you know any bird calls?
Chandler: Oh, tons. I'm quite the woodsman.
Phoebe: I just saw somebody that looked like you in the station. I was going to go up to him to tell him.
But what does he care he looks like you.
Joey: Thanks Phebes, that just cost me four bucks.
Monica: Joey, you've been acting weird for a couple of days, now. What's wrong?
Joey: Nothing... Well, something. I kinda had a dream, sorta... Ahh, forget it.
Chandler: Come on. What if Martin Luther King said that- "I kinda had a dream, sorta..."?
Gary: [to Phoebe] You're the prettiest fake undercover whore I've ever seen.
Joey, Chandler: Nice!
"Friends: The One with Monica's Thunder (#7.1)" (2000)
[Joey comes out from his room wearing ridiculous clothes. He has to look nineteen for an audition]
Joey: 'Sup? 'Sup, dude?
Chandler: [putting his hands up] Take whatever you want, just please don't hurt me.
Joey: So, you're playing a little Playstation, huh? That's whack. Playstation is whack. 'Sup with the whack
Playstation, 'sup? Huh? Come on, am I nineteen or what?
Chandler: Yes, on a scale from one to ten, ten being the dumbest a person can look, you are definitely
nineteen.
Joey: But I-I-I can't stay too long, I gotta get up early for a commercial audition tomorrow and I gotta look
good. I'm supposed to be playing a 19-year-old.
[Everyone stops in their tracks upon hearing this]
Chandler: So when you said, "Get up early, " did you mean 1986?
Joey: You can't have Thanksgiving without turkey. That's like Fourth of July without apple pie, or Friday
with no two pizzas.
Joey: If you want a strong name you should name him "The Hulk".
Phoebe: I don't know about "Hulk", but I like the idea of a name starting with "The"!
Monica: [on Candler moving in] Have you found a way to tell Joey yet?
Chandler: No. I keep saying "Joey, I have to..." and then I end with "go to the bathroom". I think he may
think I'm sick.
Joey: [enters the apartment] Hey, you feelin' better, man?
Joey: So, Ross and Rachel got married, Monica and Chandler almost got married, do you think you and I
should hook up?
Phoebe Buffay: Oh we do, but not just yet.
Joey: Really? Well, when?
Phoebe Buffay: Okay umm, well, first Chandler and Monica will get married and be filthy rich by the way.
Yeah. But it won't work out.
Joey: Wow.
Phoebe Buffay: I know. Then, I'm gonna marry Chandler for the money and you'll marry Rachel and have
the beautiful kids.
Joey: Great!
Phoebe Buffay: But then we ditch those two and that's when we get married. We'll have Chandler's
money and Rachel's kids and getting custody will be easy because of Rachel's drinking problem.
Joey: Oh-oh, what about Ross?
Phoebe Buffay: I don't want to go into the whole thing, but umm, we have words and I kill him.
Joey: Gina, I know he's your baby, but it's time to move on. Change can be good!
Gina: Oh, it's easy for you to say.
Joey: No it's not! No! Look... Nobody understands wantin' things to stay the same like I do. I was HAPPY
in New York! Okay, and I tried really hard to keep things from changing. But everyone else got married,
and had kids, and moved on. They all changed! So I'm givin' change a shot. And it has been *hard*. But...
just hoping things stay the same... it doesn't work.
Gina: This is the best part. Sit here and lean back.
Joey: Is that the middle of the HOLLYWOOD sign?
Gina: That's the OLLYWOO sign.
Joey: I can see the OLLYWOO sign! And into that woman's bathroom. And now she sees me. Hi,
neighbor!
Janice Litman: Janice has a question, who of the six of you has slept with who of the six of you?
Phoebe: Its like a dirty Math problem
Dr. Ross Geller: The answer would be none of us
Janice Litman: None of you have gotten drunk and stupid over the years?
Joey Tribbiani: Well that's a different question
Janice Litman: I find it hard to believe a group of people who spend as much time together as you do has
never bumped uglies, I've got another question, who of the six of you has almost?
Rachel Green: [They all quickly get up] Can I get anyone more coffee?
Joey Tribbiani: Hey there's a dog out there!
Dr. Ross Geller: [Reading his speech to Charlie] ... By using CT scans, and computer imaging, we can in
a very real way bring the Mesezoic Era into the 21st century.
Charlie Wheeler: [In astonishment] It's great. You're gonna be the hit of the conference.
Dr. Ross Geller: Oh, and you know what, that'll be even better tomorrow because I won't be constantly
interrupted by Joey checking to see if they put chocolates on my pillow yet.
[opens the door for Joey, Chandler and Rachel]
Joey: Hey guys!
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Joey] The chocolates aren't here yet.
Joey: [Walks in in disappointment] Dammit!
Charlie Wheeler: [to Joey] Ross just read me his speech. It's fantastic.
Chandler Bing: [to Charlie] Oh, is it on the computer? 'Cause I'd like to give it a read.
Dr. Ross Geller: [to Chandler] If you want to check your email, just ask.
Chandler Bing: What?
[Realizing Ross caught his bluff]
Chandler Bing: 'Kay.
[Friendlily pats Ross on his chest]
[Joey and Chandler are looking at the apartment that Richard is selling]
Catherine: All the appliances are included. There is a lot of light, a new kitchen... I think you guys would
be very happy here.
[Joey and Chandler laugh]
Chandler: No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. We're not together. We're not a couple. We're definitely not a
couple.
Catherine: Oh. Okay. Sorry.
Joey: Well... you seem pretty insulted by that. What? I'm not good enough for you?
Chandler: We're not gonna' have this conversation again.
[Joey walks into Monica and Rachel's apartment and does a dance step on the way]
Rachel Green: What was that?
Joey Tribbiani: What?
Rachel Green: You just did a little dancy thing.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I didn't.
Monica: Yeah you did. You did a little hop.
Rachel Green: You are so enjoying this.
Joey Tribbiani: No, I'm not. And it wasn't a hop. It was a pademarie.
[Joey covers his mouth in embarrassment and Monica and Rachel laugh even harder]
Ross: Monica categorizes her towels. How many categories are there?
Joey: Everyday use...
Chandler: Fancy...
Joey: Guest...
Chandler: Fancy Guest...
Ross: Two seconds.
Joey: Uh, uh... Eleven.
Ross: Amazing. Eleven is correct.
Joey: [seeing he and Ross are wearing the same shirt] Stupid Gap on every corner!
"Friends: The One Where Monica and Richard Are Just Friends (#3.13)" (1997)
Joey Tribbiani: [Robert's 'goods' are on display as he reaches for a quarter in his sock. Chandler is
pushing against Joey to 'keep away' from the sight] What are you doing? Get back on your side of the-
[sees Robert's 'show.']
Joey Tribbiani: Helloooo!
Rachel: [upset because Joey's just ruined the end of 'The Shining' for her] All right... Okay. Laurie
proposes to Jo and she says no even though she's still in love with him. And then he ends up marrying
Amy.
Joey Tribbiani: Hey! Mine was by accident! All right. The boiler explodes and destroys the hotel and kills
the dad.
Rachel: Beth dies.
Joey Tribbiani: [completely horrified] Beth... Beth dies?
[to Chandler]
Joey Tribbiani: If I keep reading is Beth gonna die?
Chandler Bing: No, Beth doesn't die. She doesn't die, does she, Rachel?
Rachel: What?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey is asking if you've just ruined the first book he's ever loved that didn't star Jack
Nicholson.
Michael: I'm going to my room to study. What are you going to do?
Joey: I'm luring Alex's husband over with a pretend maintenance problem, because he's the Super, but
my real plan is to prove to him that I'm sexy.
Michael: We lead very different lives, you and I.
"Friends: The One Where They All Turn Thirty (#7.14)" (2001)
Chandler: [to Joey who's removing his tie] Would you put that back on? Monica's gonna be here any
minute.
Joey: But it hurts my Joey's Apple.
Chandler: [frustrated] Okay, for the last time. It's not named for each individual man.
"Friends: The One with the Giant Poking Device (#3.8)" (1996)
Joey Tribbiani: If homo sapiens were in fact HOMO sapiens - is that why they're exctinct?
Dr. Ross Geller: Joey, homo sapiens are people!
Joey Tribbiani: Hey, I'm not judging.
Dr. Ross Geller: I have to go to work for a few hours. Some kids messed up the Homo Sapien display.
Joey Tribbiani: What did they do?
Dr. Ross Geller: Well, they painted over the word 'Sapien' for one thing, then they rearranged the figures.
Let's just leave it at that.
"Friends: The One with the Worst Best Man Ever (#4.22)" (1998)
Joey: [Ross, Chandler and Joey are discussing the best man for Ross and Emily's wedding] Wait, Wait!
Why does Chandler get to be best man? He was yours last time!
Ross: Well, I've known Chandler a long time.
Joey: Wait a minute! C'mon Ross, I don't have any brothers; I'll never get to be a best man!
Chandler: Joey, you can be best man at my wedding.
Joey: [looks at Chandler and then back at Ross] I'll never get to be a best man!
Joey: [about the duck] I've got him really well trained. Stare at the wall. Hardly move. Be white
Joey Tribbiani: [On Ross in the video] Lookin' good, Mr. Kotter.
"Friends: The One Where Chandler Crosses the Line (#4.7)" (1997)
[after Chandler kisses Kathy]
Joey: You're so far past the line, you can't even see the line. The line is a dot to you.
Chandler Bing: [rushes in] Oh my god! Underdog has broken loose and is flying over the city!
Joey: The balloon?
Chandler Bing: No, no... The actual cartoon character...
Joey: Remember when your mom used to drop you off at the movies with a jar of jam and a spoon?
Rachel: [pause] You're so pretty.
"Friends: The One with the Princess Leia Fantasy (#3.1)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: - Oh, and by the way, there is no Count Rushmore!
Joey Tribbiani: - Yeah? Then who's the guy that painted the faces on the mountain?
Joey: [watching Carol nursing Ben] If you blow into one side, does the other get bigger?
Joey Tribbiani: [at Estelle's memorial] Thank you for coming. We are here to pay our respects to a
wonderful agent, and a beautiful woman. Inside.
"Friends: The One with the Baby on the Bus (#2.6)" (1995)
[Flipping a coin to choose between "ducks" and "clowns."]
Joey: Ducks is "Heads", because ducks have heads.
Chandler: What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?
Joey: [about assigning between whether ducks or clowns should be be heads or tails of a coin] Ducks is
heads, because ducks have heads!
Chandler: What kind of scary ass clowns came to your birthday party?
"Friends: The One with Monica and Chandler's Wedding: Part 2 (#7.24)" (2001)
Monica Geller-Bing: Chandler, for so long I wondered if I would ever find my prince, my soul mate. Then
three years ago, at another wedding, I turned to a friend for comfort. And instead, I found everything that
I'd ever been looking for my whole life. And now here we are with our future before us and I only want to
spend it with you, my prince, my soulmate, my friend. Unless you don't want to. You go!
Chandler Bing: Monica, I though this was going to be the most difficult thing I ever had to do. But when i
saw you walking down that aisle, I realized how simple it was. I love you. And surprises that come our
way, it's ok, because I will always love you. You are the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life
with. You wanna know if I'm sure?
Joey Tribbiani: You may now kiss the bride. So I guess by the powers vested in me by the state of New
York and the internet guys, I now pronounce you husband and wife. O WAIT! Do you take eachother?
Monica Geller-Bing: I do.
Chandler Bing: I do.
Joey Tribbiani: Look, I have somewhere I need to be, so if we can shoot the scene fast, that'd be great.
But, I don't need to tell you, you're a professional.
Richard Crosby: ...I'm wearing two belts.
Joey Tribbiani: Are you drunk?
Richard Crosby: No!
Joey Tribbiani: Yes, you are!
Richard Crosby: Well, all right.
Gina: You know what, it's crazy, but maybe we can get one of the news helicopters to come down and
pick you up.
Joey: That's great! Okay, we just gotta get their attention. Uh, Ooh! Let's lie on the pavement and use our
bodies to spell out 'Joey Tribbiani needs to get to the Tonight Show fast!'
"Friends: The One with the East German Laundry Detergent (#1.5)" (1994)
Joey: Oh my God, Angela. Well I don't wanna seem too eager. One Mississippi, two Mississippi, that
seems good.
"Friends: The One Where Ross and Rachel Take a Break (#3.15)" (1997)
Ross Geller: [About calling Rachel] We just had a fight... Shouldn't I wait?
Chandler Bing: This isn't like swimming. Pick up a phone!
Chandler Bing: [To Joey] You know, that whole waiting before you swim after you eaten thing is a myth?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah, tell that to my Uncle Murray.
Chandler Bing: Why? What happened to him?
Joey Tribbiani: Nothing He just *really* believes that.
"Friends: The One with Barry and Mindy's Wedding (#2.24)" (1996)
Chandler Bing: [Chandler is waiting for his cyberchick to arrive] Where is she, where is she?
[grabs Rachel]
Chandler Bing: Oh, hey, I have a question, where is she?
Rachel Green: Chandler, relax, Chandler, she'll be here.
[Chandler then sits down]
Chandler Bing: [gets up after noticing a beautiful blonde walking in] Oh, oh, oh, that's her.
Dr. Ross Geller: [after seeing her] Yeah, 'cause life's just that kind.
Phoebe Buffay: Chandler, you gotta stop staring at the door. It's like a watched pot, you know if you keep
looking at it then the door is never gonna boil. I think what you have to do is try not to...
Chandler Bing: [Chandler gets up] Oh my God!
Janice Litman: [pause] OH... MY... GAWD!
[Chandler rushes over and kisses her]
Rachel Green, Dr. Ross Geller, Phoebe Buffay, Joey Tribbiani: OH... MY... GOD!
"Friends: The One After Joey and Rachel Kiss (#10.1)" (2003)
Rachel Green: Joey.
Joey Tribbiani: Is he gone?
Rachel Green: How are you doing this?
"Friends: The One with Rachel's Going Away Party (#10.16)" (2004)
[Rachel walks out the door, without giving Ross a "good-bye"]
Dr. Ross Geller: What?! I don't get a good-bye?!
Joey Tribbiani: Lucky bastard!
"Friends: The One Where Rachel Goes Back to Work (#9.11)" (2003)
Phoebe Buffay: Who's going to die?
Joey Tribbiani: Um...Man with Eyepatch!
"Friends: The One That Could Have Been: Part 1 (#6.15)" (2000)
Rachel: Guess what? Barry and Mindy are getting a divorce.
Joey: [looking at Ross] What is the matter with you?
Monica: No. Barry and Mindy.
Joey: Oh, sorry, I hear "divorce" and I automatically go to Ross.
"Friends: The One Where the Monkey Gets Away (#1.19)" (1995)
Joey Tribbiani: You're a monkey lost in the city. Where would you go?
Chandler Bing: Well, he's new in town, so he would first go to the touristy places. Okay, I'll go to Cats, you
go to the Russian Tea Room.
"Friends: The One with the Secret Closet (#8.14)" (2002)
Joey Tribbiani: Do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler Bing: Yeah. Oh, wait, I'm not a nine-year-old girl.
Joey Tribbiani: Then why do you throw like one?
"Friends: The One with the Soap Opera Party (#9.20)" (2003)
Rachel Green: You are having a party tonight?
Joey Tribbiani: I am kind of having a thing for the Days of Our Lives people.
Rachel Green: And you weren't gonna tell us? How did you thing you were gonna get away with that?
Joey Tribbiani: I do it every year.
Rachel Green: You do it every year?
Joey Tribbiani: I didn't have to tell you that!
Rachel Green: That's why you got us tickets to that play! To get rid of us!
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And last year, is that why you sent us to that Medieval times restaurant?
Joey Tribbiani: Yeah...
Rachel Green: And the year before that, when you set up that nightime tour of that button factory!
Joey Tribbiani: I can't believe you guys went for that one!
"Friends: The One with the Cheap Wedding Dress (#7.17)" (2001)
[Host]: [after realizing Kristen, currently Ross' date, has left during their argument] Gellar, party of two?
Ross Geller: Ya hungry?
Joey Tribbiani: Does a bear shit in the woods?
"Friends: The One with the Race Car Bed (#3.7)" (1996)
Joey: There will come a time in each of your careers when you'll have a chance to screw over another
soap opera actor. I had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I'm ashamed to say that I took it, I
advised a fellow actor to play a role, homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as it
turned out, they... liked the stupid gay thing and cast him! And now, he's got a two year contract opposite
Susan Lucci, the First Lady of daytime television, and me, me I'm stuck here teaching a bunch of people,
most of whom are too ugly to even be on TV!
"Friends: The One with All the Wedding Dresses (#4.20)" (1998)
Chandler: Oh, she's got you running errands, you know, picking up wedding dresses... Wah-pah!
Ross: What's wah-pah?
Chandler: You know, whipped. Wah-pah!
Joey: That's not whipped. Whipped is wh-tcssh!
Chandler: That's what I did. Wah-pah!
Joey: You can't do anything!